Complaining, Comparing, and Coping - Letters from Esther Perel
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- A live conversation with Esther Perel about complaining, comparing, and coping in this moment of prolonged uncertainty.
I'll be discussing this month's Letters from Esther, The Joy of Complaining. Read it here: estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-joy-of-complaining
This is the first of a monthly live series to explore a topic relevant to our relational health. To sign up for the newsletter series, and to view our latest entry, visit estherperel.co...
Dear Esther, thanks so much! During the day, I am quite fine (have to show a nice face to my son.. co-workers..single mom, you know?) but at night i feel somth in German is called 'WELT Schmerz' an overwhealming albeit abstract feeling of sadness for the world.
Read Tina gilbertson's book, constructive wallowing, re healing painful feelings. Excellent.
Like you've been carrying the whole world on your shoulders. I know what welt schmerz is...
Fantastic question back...what so challenging to you...about handling my insecurities ;)
Thank you Esther
Suggestion: Turn on the closed captioning. Go to the three dots. Menu. Closed captioning. Choose. Good luck!
❤️
Hello Esther, this is a most interesting thing for me right now. I’ve been doing physical labor since I was a teenager and this forced vacation is a blessing. I’m sequestered by myself on a private beach and able to bike along the ocean everyday. I believe it’s my reward for trials I’ve endured the last couple of years. And I’m enjoying every minute. 🐬🐬😁💗
you are an unbelievable AMAZING woman and you have changed, touched, shifted, transformed SO MANY lives. please keep talking and teaching. we need these conversations
Thank you Esther for giving us permission, the green light to face our complaints so that we can deal with them and bring them into the light. You are my relationship 'go to' person and the advice and insights are always spot on.
Thank you for helping me with my relationships. Your books are brilliant but seeing and hearing you is true beauty. You make me smile and feel like I have the power to change.
My intimate partner denies my right to complain and have personal needs before him. But now I'm locked with him and I don't have access to my quenching buddies who actually DO have sense of humor. T.T
We are allowed to vent out our negative emotions, especially at these dark times.
Hello ester. I love to listen to you and your voice !! I am single and alone here in canada. And i am enjoying the solitude but still working !!
Thank you, Esther! I look up to you as a therapist and also as a woman. You make me feel very proud of my choices because as I hear what you have to say I feel very validated since our thoughts and speeches are very much alike. Thank you VERY much! Kisses all the way from Brazil
I love these conversations so much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Verbalizar las multiples emociones que experimentamos ante esta nueva realidad, nos lleva a partir de un nuevo punto de partida. Nuestros alcances y limitaciones en un perimetro que en dimension fisica parece reducido pero al redimensionar nuestras posibilidades de expander nuestra creatividad, reusar tiempo y espacios en lucrativos momentos de lucidez. Asi, exparcir mental y emocionalmente una nueva ruta hacia la puerta que abriremos con una mirada nueva a lo que nos rodeaba.
I listen to this EVERY WEEK to stay grounded
Thank you Esther for such amazing informative session, I admire your transparency, I believe humour is a key happiness, learning a lot from you 💕😘
24:10 "Humor is the best way to deal with stuff that you cant really control "
YES! Thank you Ester. 😁Your talks are insightful and full of truth. At the same time, entertaining and so vital to our emotional processes and self-reflection.
After watching this I shared it with my favourite kvetching buddy! Our kvetching sessions are always full of laughter and we both feel lighter and truely heard. Thank for this, so many gems in here 👍🙏
My husband recently retired. This has caused a lot of arguments for us! I’m not happy,& I know he’s not either. Need help!!!!! I’m feeling ignored, he’s not listening, I get him to talk & 5 minutes later right back to the same situation. I don’t know how much more I can take. 24 years of marriage! HELP
Tambi..... watch Esther Perrel talks. You can google on UA-cam or Instagram .
I love your advice regarding use of humor and playfulness! I think that can help people maintain connection while still making an important point. It lightens it up a bit!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world. I love how you’re able to speak about such topics in such understandable ways. Thank you!
Honestly speaking I knew her for last couple of months. But ,, after listening few talks,, I was floored. She is too good,, with in depth understanding and experience about her work. My respects and admiration for Esther's work: India, Assam.
Interesting to listen to your thoughts. I think I need to change how I say some things and when. For example I wish my for more quality time together with my husband, but I can see that he just hear the complain and not my wish.
I love the way she articulates such complex emotions... Deepest gratitude for this enlightening live..💜
Tired of hearing how bad the COVID-19, people thinking we will never be able to hug or kiss our friends. How cold? how we look forward to life when simple things in life are no longer available.
I just found your video, but I've been slowly reading this fun & in-depth well written book: *_"Born To Kvetch"_* by *Michael Wex*
Has anyone else read this and I'm looking forward to exploring @EstherPerel books soon too!
*_Thank you all for being here and allowing us to Regain Faith in Our Humanity_* #kvetch
my current complaint is also about self criticism, when my professors hair is dirty i think- she must be so busy and important, she doesn’t even have time to wash her hair, when my hair is dirty, i tell my self i’m such a slob. when a joga techers feet are dirty and has rough skin, i think- wow, they probably work out outdoors so much and don’t even care about beauty standarts, when mine are even a little rough, I think- why can’t I be more ladylike and really, my husband deserves better. it get’s so ridiculous sometimes, it makes me laugh at this point.
thanks for the video, so good!
She mentioned 2 writers in the beginning, could you hear who are them?
I had to listen to it over and over to try to understand the names.
I found:
Barbara Ehrenreich and Susan David. I think these are the names. Let me know if you can find the books she is talking about! For Susan David I think the book is emotional agility, but I’m not sure about which book of Susan David
Can I double like this?!
Thank you. I enjoyed this and I had some of my questions answered. Well done on another well balanced educational video.
Thank you very much for your great work.
On the funny side:
I have a great deal of experience with complaining, history, heritage + self
This is why I stopped the first time at minute 8, thinking this is already 8 minutes of defending complaining...
than I got back the other day because I know I can trust the source:
This is what I understood so far about complaining:
The basic need to be aware of what is unpleasant, while creating the opportunity to change either the mindset or the situation regarding the complaint.
One deals best with 1 complaint at a time, while mood and respect for the other is very important in the process
I cannot stand people who constantly complain . Its irritating ! I complain once in awhile I'am not perfect but people who complain day in and day out about the slightest little things is irritating.
1. Keep tone civil
2. Stick to 1 concern
3. Leave the luggage closed 😂
I still have a right to... ________ 💜
Haha... I finally recognize I married my mother 😂
You're great! Thank you! I might try this 'complaint chart' at home and with my students...
23:14 What is the difference between complaining about self and the others?
23:48 Is there a correct way to complain?
You are so good at this, so articulate. I have been taking notes from this talk the whole time. This is so relevant and so helpful. Thank you!!
Oh, and I would say it's impossible for you to bore.
I think the way I differentiate venting/complaining v. gossip is - are the details of my complaint an experience happening to / with me? Or am I slandering another an including details in my story which don't drive the story forward to edify me, them or the situation? Gossip tends to be an energy of slander, whereas complaints/vents tend to be the exasperated experience I am having w/ another, or situation which needs named, aired and sometimes a solution. Gossip results in nothing but controlling another person's view of another person in a situation no one can control.
Love it when your Jewishness- Polish Jewishness at that- comes through
You maybe have evolved , Ester , but to me , it’s the errr ing on the “ other woman” or the “ darker sadder “ sides of life , that touches n inspires me the Most! Thank you!
From someone that her childhood reminds yours
Esther's eyebrow lift looks absolutely fantastic
Agree!
Esther, I often listen to “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life” from Monty Python when I’m feeling helpless and overwhelmed by things outside of my control. Men are being crucified in the scene, and whistling. The scene always makes me feel better. I also watch the witch scene from Monty Python when I feel persecuted by people who don’t know what they’re talking about. The actor says, “Who are you who is so wise in the ways of science?” after finding proof that a woman was a witch by comparing her weight to that of a duck. I feel like that woman sometimes. It’s so absurd that it helps.
I also love this song!
Monthy Python was genius😊 I agree.
I always think back to the scene where the two knights fight in the forest. And one chops off the other's leg... That always makes me laugh, whatever mood I'm in, just thinking of it.
Thank you for putting this back in my mind too😊.
Thank you! So much food for thought I have to listen more than once. You are amazing!
I'm creating this to an activity with my college students!
Great idea! I'm going to try it too ; )
Is such good info with wonderful techniques to relate. Love you!
This was great! So practical. Love the sentence starters...
Frustration, sadness, difficult relationship with spouse, time going into media all the time
Thank you so much for this talk! I so needed to listen to this today!
Scale of 1-10 ... guage it! 🎉
One Love Jamaica W.I.
I love Susan David’s book.
Good morning Mrs Perel, many greetings from Greece!!! I would like a video about comparing ourselves to others 💞💞
Oh yes!
I second that
I am sooo glad that I found you. The information that you are sharing is amazing. I can see that if I can apply it to my relationship it will change our dynamic to something I never thought possible.
I cherish your honesty, transparency because I saw you and your life as perfect. Your human. Thank you for sharing.
Thank u Esther so much for ur insights. I want to add that ppl who object to mandatory mask 😷 wearing also have a feeling of their rights being taken away. And that’s a legitimate complaint too. Some may have a fear of sinister control being the motivators of the top down mandates too. So there r a lot of legitimate feelings motivating ppl to behave the way they r. Whether they r ardent believers in wearing masks all the time or individuals who don’t believe masks will save lives. Thank u for hearing my thoughts 💭 and complaints 🤗. And keep up the great work. I’ve learnt so much from u! Blessings
Esther, what if you have nobody to be lonely together with? What if you live far from home and have nobody to complain with? Doing anything together in a group in itself is already an antidepressant because it bring you the sense of belonging. However, a group, even a group of two is sometimes luxury for some people. This is especially torturing for people who grew up in a communal culture and are raised for loyalty over autonomy. For these people who have no choice but dealing with everything on their own, what do you suggest so that they don’t feel bad that they can’t feel bad that they feel bad?
Hi Esther, thanks for sharing your ideas, as they have significantly helped my relationships. In the current polarized political climate, how can an ideologically opposing couple have a productive political conversation? Context MS (25 y/o M, ENFJ-A, core values truth and responsibility) & GB (25 y/o F, ENFP-A , core values diversity and equality). Thanks!
Dear Ester,
I would like think that quarantine has made me more critical but that would be a lie. All my life I’ve regretted my criticisms, always towards my loved ones. My family has learned to love me that way and they in turn are branches of the same tree. But I wouldn’t want to lose my partner for this. I’ve learned to recognise and be mindful, but how do I prevent the outburst of criticism when you arrive tired and stressed and still have work to do and the house is a mess and nothing is done?
Thank you for helping me grow through out this years. Big imaginary hug to you and your followers.
Wow keep growing & loving 💜
Thank you Kim :)
Hope you and your loved ones are keeping well
@@andreazamudio2186 we are managing the Heartland flood
Much Love to You and your family
Hope this covid thing hasn’t further impacted the support for your people.
Is there still water there?
(Sorry for the ignorance as I’m writing from the opposite end of the world)
💜💜💜
Adapting to our roles from 1place. It's grounded Me in the finest sense. I regularly review my goals in becoming a respected & cherished Woman. & I've decided to focus on my true strength's for the past 10 weeks. I shift all my energy to delicious performance. In the Kitchen, In the Gardens & in the Bath. 💕 I love You Esther...
Hi Esther, if both sides agreed, is it possible to fix an unhealthy relationship? Or will it be only another "I promise this won't hapoen again" ?
But first, how can I tell that a relationship is not healthy?
I've heard it here and there, I want to hear it from you, because everything you said is full of positivity.
Stressed about Internet connectivity or bad audio/tools not working smoothly ( I’m working from home)..feels like a prisoner
29:09 sorry didn’t catch that, did she say he catches up with the kids to talk about the lonely?
Their LONGINGS* 💜
@@kimgordon3695 Amazing thank you :)
amazing advice - recognized so many things I do and my partner does to contribute to unnecessary frustration and tension. super session, thank you for sharing
Lost touch with your latest and have so needed them all during these unstable times of lock down!
Your methods are so clear.
Am going to get caught up and participate in the next.
Eternally thankful
oh and love hearing the use of Yiddish words, since those of our elders are no longer with us 🤗❤
I can relate to the cultural mindset you are talking about even though I am not native Belgium - in my case I would consider "happy" people as superficial. Despite the fact that I have evolved from this phase, it still comes back to me from time to time. Thank you for sharing.
You are a queen Esther, I already bought your books because the videos were not enough, love to listen all the knowledge you give us. Admirable woman!
Thanks Esther for the inside you gave in the video. Maybe it is just like you says. If you keep moving around in emotions than complaining is just another form of getting closer to yourself and actually see that this is also a part of everyone who takes the change of complaining. Its just another way of experiencing. But what is happening when you got stuck in it or it becomes your own virtual reality?
how do other people from outside can show you where youre at? what is needed from both?
Yeh. I like when you say this is the human experience. My sister who has cancer basically said i shouldn't be upset. But i said i yell, i do what ever. Talk .But i don't hurt anyone.
She also says i should become a Christain.. This is my reality and I am dealing with it and talking about it.And going to counseling when i need to. A counslor once told me her husband had cancer and he was in his late 20 yearly 30
She said I had a small child and i had so many things to do. So then someone told her to write down what her proritities was for the day
If she didnt get them done she was told not to be hard on herself. Her husband died and she had to explain to her 2 year old what happened. So if the dishes sit to long don't be worried about it. Worry about what is inportant. Then worry about the other stuff. If it doesnt get done don't br upset with yourself. My sister who has the brain tumour when for help a few times but quit. She talks to no one theraphy wise i just think she keeps it inside
Amen . if your are happy all the time you are out of touch.!!! . Keep on preaching sister!!! Love your insight❤
HOW can I not complain about the PTSD & ALL the PAIN & SUFFERING still.
My technology is crashing and that's making it hard for me to do my work from home.
Our government is attacking the universities and it's quite likely that my entire program will be cancelled, which means I'll be unemployed.
Thanks for remind ya we have the right to complain Love is making room for all emotions
I learn so much from watching you! Love from NJ
I just looove Esther, she's the place where i find pracę 🥰
Thank you Esther for sharing your knowledge ❤️
Hi Esther
Would it be to do privet session? Thank u
Brilliant as always! Grateful for all your videos, Dr. Perel. Thank you
You are SO right about everything you said.
I always love your talks, but this one was fresh and revolutionary! Please do another one with the reminding questions!! :)
Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge!
Thank you for discussing this interesting subject! It does helps me to understand my own resistance and this of my partner in moments of conflict..
am fed up with my friend A. because she is always soooo happy and life is a fairy tale for her, her Sun so to speak, throw a shade on me
Fetching even kvetching that Esther ❤️
Major anxiety and paranoia of the people i live with
Wow all of this is just so great!
thank you for lock down with a twist in humor🤓🎯🕊
Jij bent de bom, Esther!
The chat is not ON !
We cant write to you !
I want to be loved more
I feel overwhelmed for many tasks
I miss playing tennis with friends
Esther aged backwards 20 years these last 8 weeks of lockdown 😍
Always so great.
Disssatisfaction in me
they demand many tasks from me
Missed it today, enjoy your videos 🙏
What’s Cletch?
Is this now?
Thank you Esther.❤
Greetings from Cameroon once again EP
Good evening Esther!
How does one attend? 😍🥰
Family fights
Hi, interesting topics