Why It's So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult
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- Опубліковано 3 чер 2024
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Making friends is hard, and unfortunately, as you get older, it gets harder.
In this episode, we look at research behind friendships, plus the complicating factors people experience in making new friends as they get older.
And for anyone struggling with their social lives, we share practical tips on how to meet and keep new friends.
Enjoy and, good luck out there.
00:00:00 Mark’s takeaways from his birthday trip to Mexico
00:05:15 Introduction
00:06:09 What makes a friendship
00:07:32 Achieving proximity in today’s world
00:11:26 How partners and kids complicate things
00:14:04 Being friends with people with kids
00:17:43 Seasons of friendships
00:18:38 The shrinking pool of people we can be friends with
00:25:32 How to make adult friends
00:28:12 Making friends through hobbies and groups
00:32:55 Making friends through following up
00:34:45 Drew’s formula for friendships
00:37:13 What is a “friend”?
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This one is so easy. The older you get the less you are willing to humour people who arent like minded, your tastes start to narrow and the quantity of friends goes with it. The more you want frendships based on more than getting drunk and watching the football, the more you realise how few people you ACTUALLY get on with
This is true to an extent but also it takes a lot of low level "around other person" time to develop friendships and when you're older there just isn't a lot of that
@@Sx-xy2zi I can agree with that. Speaking for myself I've found that if the friendship is still very superficial after the "low level" time then I stop hanging out with them
@@mattiusbattol yes that's true, it needs to develop into something more to be worth it
@@Sx-xy2zi FACTS.
Yeah, as we get older we’d rather form real connections over just hanging out. Quality beats quantity.
As a 53 year old guy who is single and has no kids, I observed that friends drift apart with life changes such as marriage, having kids, moves and careers. Not a bad thing at all but just how life turns out. I have nothing in common with my old “friends” whom I’ve known for decades. I’m content as a lone wolf but am always open whilst meeting new people. There is no blueprint for anyone’s life. Everyone is different. Cheers and best wishes.
No blueprint, true, but it would be nice to have a bit more balance.
I am ten years older than you and am in similar situation. Most friends I had either moved or died. The one advantage I always had was that I never required to be around people, I was perfectly fine by myself. I sometimes feel that I should want to be around people more, but I don’t have the desire for it. I have two people I talk to on the phone few times a week because it is pleasure and they have no specific demands to “maintain” our friendship, it is just easy and simple, no pressure. I am definitely open to making new friends, but I just don’t think I am missing out.
So u hv no friends at all ???
people are full of their own self interest, friends are not loyal, especially males. Soon as they get a partner etc they change quick. The idea of community is dead
I dont get how someone can hear, "people tend to be more happy when they have friends" and comment the complete opposite. I'm not as old as you and I know the importance of life experience but everyone, EVERYONE I've met in my life, that don't have friends (my parents included) are almost always miserable. And the opposite is true as well! The only place I keep seeing that, "you are better off alone" is on the internet, this advice is spreading like wildfire and everyone Is just eating it up. Respectfully, I think you're just used to it, but all of you need to stop saying it's OK not to have friends because of XYZ. I've been a victim of all the things, all of them, from fake friends, yet I live my life as the last qoute on this video "if you want a friend, be a friend". I've benefitted immensely from this, I've been helped by countless people and have been listened to in my time of need and I urge everyone to get their heads out of their asses and start to care more for someone else and see their life change. The world is becoming a pit of hopelessness and everyone has their priorities completely backwards and this is one of the reasons. I urge who ever os reading this to search on youtube "my life as an ugly person without friends"
People think finding a friend is enough, but neglect to do the work of maintaining a friendship.
When or if you get to the 4th stage, there's no need to maintain it.
@@steelearmstrong9616Anything worthwhile does for sure
Good point, staying connected with consistency.
How to maintain tho, advices?
It’s way too much work making time to hang out much less actually connecting
When I was younger I was obsessed with being liked and it was awful for my well-being. I did so many things I didn't want to do and hung out with people I didn't like. The older I get the less I care about external things like peer approval and popularity and a side effect of that is I went from 50 shitty friends to 3 good ones, and I couldn't be happier
What broke the camel back for me was the dread of two different friend groups I put into two separate containers collide, making notice of my own hypocrisy.
Same but I have no friends because people just don’t fucking like me.
Well done!!
"I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies"
@@natebit5781
I'd rather have $1
I have learned there's a huge difference between acquaintances, pals, friends and like-minded friends. Like-minded are the best. I no longer use best friend term as a 50 year old woman. It's wonderful to have 3 or 4 like-minded kindred spirits ❤, who help me grow and we nourish each other emotionally, intellectually and soul-wise.
Well said! 1000%
That's a good idea. I do want to drop the best friend term too. I have so many friends I connect with all equally. I can't have just one bestie
Gen Xer here. Everything in the video is true. If you are lucky, you have 1-2 deep friendship that last the test of time. Due to physical relocation and employment changes, friendships faded away for me. The ones you thought would be there forever just aren't. That hurt the worst. Not having good enough hobbies to meet people is another problem. Im at the point where Ive just accepted this is how it's going to be. Ive also come to realize making new friends just isnt a priority for others as we age. Most people have their set group of friends already.
Totally agree! I have good enough hobbies but they are solo hobbies like reading and drawing.
Making friends has been a major struggle in my life. My parents moved all the time, divorced and made me change school every year. It was hard. My adult life has been difficult too, trying to maintain friendships. For a while now, I just do my own thing and I stopped wasting my time trying to fit in because I will never fit in. I've accepted this.
I can relate to this. Moved countries a lot..divorce..no childhood friends..no close friends who I see regularly..I feel you!!
Same here.
More schools than most people my age had school years 😅
I heard one person comment about how they'd had three different primary schools.
I had to stop myself from saying "that's three different schools in the same year, right?"
Only three primary schools and the one highschool.
I'm sitting there thinking "wow. this man had stability"
Hard to grow roots and connections when you're living in constant disruption.
Glad to not be alone in this type of childhood experience.
Thanks guys
🫡
@@TheKrispyfortsame here! 13 primary schools... Lol
Also feel the same as OP in that I am learning to accept that I just don't fit in and am grateful I have one really good, close friend but don't expect to gain more than that.
@@mikescardiaries how the fck do you cope with moving country... 99% of people die around 10 miles from where they were born - it must take some serious balls to move country
The big one that kills friendships is income inequality. It gets hard to be around people that are in a different income bracket (on either side). You don't have the same problems and finding common ground is difficult.
Money changes everything
Very true, although I’d like to add onto that education level.
dont forget success/accomplishments/accolades, which is usually correlated w income - that nasty green-eyed monster comes out
@@mattg5978intelligence level more appropriately. Theres many " educated" who got in on a sports scholarship or checking some box, that have room temperature IQs.
the same with cousins/relatives etc. Income gap creates a different world
Your own children teach you more about yourself than you realize. I started to realize this when my son was around three years old. Great learning experience!
As for friendships, it can be hard making friends because so many people are not aware of what they love. I started paying attention to my friendships and noted the best friendships were ones that were committed (showed up when they said they would), uplifting (after our time together I learned something), trusting (their behavior matched with their values) and vulnerable ( I could be honest with them).
It’s such a waste when a parent refuses to learn anything from their child. A parent like this believes they know-it-all and they are an authority. There is no humbleness in their personality. Pretty narcissistic actually.
Yup, my only two friends are from middle & elementary school but they’re the only two people who GIVE me energy. After hanging out with them I feel better and more energized…after hanging out with most people I feel drained. I just don’t have the emotional or mental energy to deal with that.
Getting rid of my friends is one of the best things I could have done for my mental health. Not only are they overrated, none of them will support you in difficult situations, in the end they just turn out to be a burden, a waste of time, energy and money . “Friends" are only necessary for children and adolescents.
I have let go of friendships as well. I am not in a season of my life to focus on having friends. I am busy from 5 am to about 8 pm. But, I am happy with being busy and feel fulfilled each day, which is very important.
We all spend 2/3 of our day working and sleeping. That leaves 8 hours for everything else. Being in my 20s, single and living in a low maintenance apartment left much time for friends and people my age at the time had free time as well. The 30s to 40s brought spouse, kids, dogs and a high maintenance house. I have to wake up at 4 am to have any free time. friends at my age have minimal free time. A spontaneous night out in my 20s requires 6 weeks of planning today. Life changes!
@@nickp9992I think their point was if they had more time, they would love to spend time with friends. Not that they don’t want to spend the little they do have with family.
I live in a university town, and I would make friends but two or three years later, they're gone and I never hear from them again. Even the faculty doesn't usually stick around longer than that, since getting tenure became less and less common. A couple of my old high school friends suddenly made contact with me after 30 years and that was a major disappointment. They turned out to be real jerks. One of them texted me twice, and then she accidentally sent me a text that she meant for the other one and she was already complaining about me! Behind my back, like high school. Nuts to that.
Wow, after 30 years you'd think people would have matured... apparently not.
It’s so fitting that the final statement in this video is about how we often value romantic relationships over friendships, when it could be argued that friendships are the most valuable relationships of all..that’s a real mic drop moment. Nailed it on that point.. 👌🏼
I’m a shy highly introverted person. As a teenager, I fantasized about having awesome friends while at the same time not doing enough to get real ones. When I was 18-25 I probably had the right amount of friends but they came with heavy alcoholism. As a 38 year old, I don’t really care about having friends anymore, I guess I get enough human interaction at work but outside of work, my wife and kids are more than enough to keep me sane.
i still speak to a bunch of my friends but a lot i realised weren't friends, move 30 minutes away from them and watch how your "friends" go fast... most people think they have friends, in reality they dont. Family takes up all my time pretty much, I dont think you can do family stuff and have a ton of friends at same time, life don't work like that
You sound exactly like my husband … I am the opposite , can’t leave without friends
@@stanislavageorgieva-kabaiv6162 and you sound like my wife. I guess oposites do attract.
How do I find wife and kids
The hard part for me is finding the Venn diagram mix of shared interests, time available, and the other person not being an a-hole.
Good one :D
Haha exactly
100%
After 35, my goal is to make myself my own best friend.
this is the best thing to do. We have devolved into a kind of modern chaos and all this analysis while interesting really misses how we are no longer smaller tribal communities that don’t know what’s going on all the time everywhere.
I’m doing this
"The most important relationship you will have in your life is the relationship with yourself."
Agreed! Nothing is better than alone time. Getting some lotion, watching a skin movie and pulling on the meat rocket is bliss
But talking to oneself gets old really quick
1. Be intentional about your hobbies and inerests
2. Wanna friends be a friend
3. Make plans and invite people
sounds easy but people neglect
Most people are not permanent, so you can't count on them. Gotta find happiness within and be emotionally self-reliant.
Ego food
Absolutely right!
Learnt it the hard way
"The most important relationship you will have in your life is the relationship with yourself"
@@themacocko6311not really, most people do not care about anything unless it benefits them. Most “friends” nowadays are just looking at what they can gain by being around you
Being an adult and cultivating friendships is an intricate journey. It’s dotted with times of deep connections, periods of solitude, and moments of transformation that reshape my life. Each stage brings its lessons, influencing me and my relationships in unique and often positive ways.
I have acquaintances but very few friends. This is because people come and go and my tolerance for putting up with senseless behavior has diminished. I’m a pretty self reliant person. Cultivating mindful friendships take patience, respect, and time.
I can’t make friends as an adult because I just can’t stand being around people anymore. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve just lost complete interest in people and am happier alone. I’m 37. It’s weird to feel like this and sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me but I feel better this way so it is what it is..
Nothing wrong with you I’m 41 & don’t really have close friends. I’ve no interest in listening to people’s problems & crazy opinions on things 😂
i feel similar, but i think im at the point where it might be a concern for when i get older. Its one thing to be content in your own company by choice, but when you get to be an age where you're too old for any new people to even want to be around you, you may be further isolated.
@@Cargo_Bay
Just go to assisted living if that happens.
@@nickp9992 hah. Im still decades (hopefully) away from that, but yeah. In the event i'm still sort of a loner who cant care for myself, that would be the way to go.
I’m 37 and have no friends. Just discovered I like books.
I was a total extrovert but now friendships feel like another chore that I end up dreading
What I don't understand is how "everyone" says they are so lonely, want connections and are done being single and want friends... and yet, I can leave my place at 4:50am for the gym every morning, finish my day at 5 or 6pm and not once come across ANYONE looking for any of that.
This reminds of a line from the movie, ‘Green Book’: The world is full of lonely people afraid to make the first move.
Rejection sucks.
The fear of rejection sucks even more and can be paralysing.
What a great routine. Most people don’t have that kind of rigor and discipline. Good for you! Too, it’s much easier for people to complain about what’s going wrong than doing something about it. XOXO
@@TheKrispyfort true but its better to get rejected than living a isolated/antisocial life forever or most of the time! Ppl need to understand this and not be afraid of rejection!
@Mr_MarkManson1. SCAMMER 🤩
I don’t find it hard to make friends- but being single in my thirties, a frequent traveller for work, while most of my friends are settling down / having kids - it can be difficult to maintain close friendships. My closest friends are the ones who live similar lifestyles/ work the same kind of job as me - we understand each other and can pick up where we left off even after a long time. The biggest challenge for me is when I’ve realised with certain close friends, our values no longer aligned or their character had changed in a way that was hurtful to me. It’s hard to let them go after time invested but it’s important to let go of bad friendships.
Great chat, thank you... I have a Level 4 friend (Stuart), who I've known since Grade 3 (1983). Our lives are very different now (he's married, 3 kids) & sometimes we don't see each other for a year or more, but we always 'click' & are very happy when we meet up. Also, both of us are very close to each other's parents (sometimes I contact them more than him).
Making friends compared to back when we were kids, we all could connect by sharing a toy or candy. But as adults, there are invisible barriers that make it hard to connect.
Well, Mark pointed out the importance of having the same interests. In this light you can compare sports, culture, politics or whatever topic with toys/candies.
@@the_notorious_bas not politics unless you're an activist or politician. Politics is creating our mental blockage to dictate what we're allowed to consume. It's an uncompromising position, that can mutate more toxicity than religions
@@Defactodissident I hear you. One of my friends is very much into politics, but I cut him off every time he tries to start a debate.
Sure. It was really easy in kindergarten. I met my first ˋˋboyfriend“ there because I was the only one who didn't laugh at him and who looked after him after he threw up across the table. Apart from that, yes, you shared your toys and became friends. Just that. Kids are more open-minded, less complicated.
@@the_notorious_bas Oh man I had those types of friends too. Not just with politics, but it’s like they would turn every single conversation into a debate. There’s always that perpetual disagreement enthusiast.
It’s interesting you mentioned about adopting hobbies as a way to make friends. I’m in my mid thirties and I started taking guitar lessons back in November. I’ve found that while learning a new craft you’re never too old to start something as an adult. Also I’ve developed a common interests amongst the other more experienced musicians there. I’m thankful that I have a new community of people that I hang out with, share the same interests and constantly growing as a musician. Sometimes the perfect time to start a hobby is when you’re an adult and you can finance hobbies you could not have as a kid.
Travel creates intimacy because people are creating new shared experiences. The fact that the experiences are shared enhance those experiences. Like, everytime tou see that friend it would be like hey, that's Mark, we went to Mexico together... good times!
I have never been a kid person period. It is so nice Mark feels the same way. People have looked at me strangely for not being a kids person either. I have tried dating people with kids too. So no one can’t say I didn’t try to be open mind about it either. I did give it a chance. It’s society “norm” that people are supposed to want/like kids but in reality it is not always the case. Long time listener and first time leaving a comment. I love your work Mark. This podcast help explain what I am going through too so thank you for that. Friends when you are younger and I am starting to get closer to 40. I am seeing a big shift. So this helps me understand what is going on more too.
Same here. Thankfully it's growing more acceptable for women to speak up about not wanting kids. But it's hard to talk to people of my parents' generation about this (I am F40s) or certain sectors of society. Plenty of negative stereotypes still exist about us. A few enlightened people out there don't fall for the usual "selfish" narrative that less educated or ultra-religious people like to spout, but instead say that we are doing the planet a great service by choosing not to procreate.
Recently I’ve took a break from dating and have been wanting to make new friends. Both seem impossible sometimes at this point. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places but many people start off being nice and communicating well then they I guess lose interest? I do blame the economy and wages with also the hours people have to work just to pay bills and are tired at the end of the day so they don’t wanna hang out. But man the past year everyone has been very weird with me. Doesn’t matter if I’ve talked to them for several years or just met them. People are getting more isolated and also more rude imo. I’ve been ghosted so much in the past few years it’s crazy but people claim they want to have social relationships and be friend and or date but then tell you I’m not looking for something serious mainly in dating situations. People rather hang out with coworkers or friends they’ve had for years, family and that’s it.
Your comment reminded me that after the pandemic I had an appointment with my ophthalmologist. We were chatting and she said that the behavior of her patients, and the patients of her colleagues, had really changed. People are no longer showing up for appointments and don’t call to cancel or even afterward to explain the no show. She said it was really strange and seems to be the new normal.
Some people were emotionally hurt and disappointed in their friendships and lost trust in people . They would avoid making new friends because they are afraid of getting hurt again. Finding a sincern friend who likes you unconditionally and would never betray you is as rare as a diamond in a mine. There are other factors to having no friendships, There is truth to the saying " Watch your enemies close and watch your " friends " closer. A smiling face sometimes dont tell the truth .
Thanks for putting one together. I frequently struggle with this. I have tons of friends from various parts of my life, but as someone who just turned 30, moved back to my hometown and live alone, and am witnessing my friends move on with families (I'm a single person), it is a perpetual challenge to find the kind of friendship that I crave from my college years.
When you are young, one is clueless as to what goes on in the world, so the young literally talk to anybody. As one ages, one realises, there are lot of morons who walk these lands. And they need to be avoided as they are a liability to all those nearby. I dont think its hard to make friends as an adult - its just that there are fewer people one actually wants to make friends with.
Once you are ignored, leave them alone. You are ignored for a reason.
It is especially hard in your 30s if you are single and dont have/dont want kids - as most ppl are paired up and with kids. It gets boring to constantly hear them talk about kids so the moment I hear about it, i instinctively want to run off 😂
I find it annoying when people brag about their kids like how smart they are, etc. I feel like telling them: "no. your kid isn't special. Statistically, they will just be average."
Nailed it, at 32 that's where I'm at.
@@azintern2 It also annoying to other parents when parents brag about their own kids. Being a parent is just another life challenge with all the horrible parts. You follow convention to give your kids as normal an experience as possible and there are just complete a$$holes along for the ride. I can’t tell you the number of awful park interactions I’ve had. Don’t even get me started on school interactions. All of you without kids…the grass is not greener over here.
When I turned 50 last year, I evaluated my friendships. I kept people who add value to my life and cut ties with those who I had shallow friendships with. As you grow older, you just don’t have the energy for all the BS.
As I grow Old, I lost the capacity to care..
I learned, the less people in ones life, the happier. Nothing is more calming and stress free as a phone on airplane mode 90% of the time.
@@modickens1272 "Nothing is more calming and stress free as a phone on airplane mode 90% of the time." Thats the grestest quote of the century. I'll have to carve that one on stone
@@user-oh6ev7mj5q thank you, its true.
Friends are over~ and underestimated at the same time.
Mexico City definitely 'punches above its weight" !
Happy birthday and great video. The topic is interesting: since covid it changed my friendships, not sure if anyone else can relate to this.
The good news is, have learned to fill the friendship void with hobbies and work that I enjoy fully, and embrace solitude. All this has me feeling that friendship is overrated. The more I dive into creative tasks, the less I crave 'hanging out' with 'friends'. But, I still enjoy seeing a hand full of longtime friends.
A friend is someone who is excited to see you as much as you are to see them, which is at least a little bit excited
Disagree with that completely. I think friendship is based on more important things than being exited. That's extremely superficial and very inconsistent.
@@themacocko6311 It’s part of the equation. Of course, it’s more than just that.
Mark and Drew, thank you so much for talking about this. I live in LA (not originally from here, work in post), and became a full time adoptive stepfather of two wonderful children (now 4 and 5). Every layer of complexity you've just described has been the crux of my social life for the last 3 years. Combined with (what you have succinctly pointed out) the group-thought focus of the culture, its become quite isolating in my search to find tenable, honest relationships. Thank you for highlighting this topic :)
About your phone story, I have a sentence that comes to mind every time I lose something, and it helps a lot, so I'm not gatekeeping. Every time a journalist asked Karl Lagerfeld about material things that he owned, he always answered:
'I wasn't born with it, I can die without it.' I love that sentence and I think about it often :)
I'm 40 and have made some amazing friends the past couple years. Just have to go out into the world and talk to people. Try new things. Any sort of class or workshop or learning experience is great for meeting people.
But, like the top comment says, as we age, we don't waste time with people that we don't have a strong connection with. Either choose, or life will choose for you, and you won't like it.
Married people tend to become very insular, especially in the first few years. They do also tend to only want to hang out with other couples-I think in part as some kind of mate guarding. They don't like their spouse being out and about with single friends in particular. Some do come back around after awhile when they are getting bored with their lives and the newness has worn off.
I get it, the whole nesting thing and all but it does suck for the unmarried friends who can feel left out or be made to feel inferior in some way. Married folks can be a bit smug in the early stages.
Did enjoy this podcast a lot and the formula to start with proximity x ( frequanty + duration) x (interest + emotion + history) and will for sure share this episode among some like minded friends of mine. What I've noticed as an disabled person, It is often easier to start and (especially) maintain friends who struggle with their health as well ( people who often a better understanding when one needs to change plans last moment of vary a lot with following up at periods for example) At times proximity takes in toll, but I do create a lot of time with phone calls that last hours (a skill more often developed in woman) Looking forward to hear the two of you twice a week in the near future, a doubble (Spotify & youtube) subscriber
This is the episode I asked for, and thank you for interviewing me about this topic.
The points you touched on won't be lost on me.
-Gary Reid
I am 63. I Lost my two closest decades-long friendships this year. One died and one of early dementia (alive, but can’t communicate and doesn’t know me). I am married and have two adult kids. I need real friendships outside of my family and I haven’t been able to make it happen. I moved to a new company because of an abusive boss and miss my work-friends. At my new job, I am the only member of management with my demographic and there is a firm divide between management and factory employees. Most of them have been there over ten years and already have their work friends. I miss having friends.
I don't know if you'll see this but my heart goes out to you. I'm 55 and lost 3 friends to death in the past few years. And one was only 36 so befriending someone younger is no guarantee. I hope you can find new friends.
@@slsilver481 Thanks for your kindness.
I also despise golf with every fiber of my being. I'll refrain from going on a rant, but it's tempting.
This is a terrific episode, and the idea of doubling down on your interests/hobbies is spot on! The key to success in any arena, friendships, relationships, business, etc. is to be authentic & true to oneself. Doing so leads to joy and self assurance, which is a magnetic quality.
Love the pod and the chemistry guys. Keep it up!
Great chat. Very insightful. Thanks guys
Thank you for the great reflections brought on this episode
Oh, the last bit with the friendship levels just hit hard. I think at one point i thought that with people that I no longer had common interests or didnt like them as much, I should just dispose of them, when in reality its always great to have someone like that whom you can rediscover years after like an old box of stuff you have in the attic and realize that you are great friends again.
This podcast is why I stay subscribed! I can totally relate to the sports thing and so many other aspects of this video. I am going to rewatch it again immediately.
Man you two are my favorite duo. I absolutely love listening to your podcast, keep it up!!
I really appreciate this video so much. Thank you for going over this topic as many of us are trying to navigate life transitions, friendships, raising kids and making a fulfilling life🙏🏼
I like how Mark explain the challenges we have in life in simple ways and how we can overcome them. Thank you Mark.
We are living the dream and moved to the island of Madeira almost a year ago. I really miss my friends back in California. Finally decided to really commit to joining different groups just like you recommended and follow-up with people I connect with. Also finding couples that my hubby and I connect with.
I work with a lot of adults, I have no desire to get to know them. Also, sharing too much with work people can backfire. You just decide its not worth it. ❤
I found a really good friend recently just by going to a new hobby I always wanted to go to. I got the courage and asked for her socials and since then, we’ve been friends. I would’ve struggled to even talk to someone a few years ago but the fact I can do this and it works is great. Now she’s even helping me get a job which I was struggling to get before.
Best wishes for joining the workplace
@@TheKrispyfort thank you
What was the hobby?
@@HerrEngelsmanArchery, I always wanted to try it but couldn't afford it and didn't have the time when I was younger.
You're blessed 😊
This was a great hang. As somebody who picked up 25 plus years of his life in Nashville and moved to Chicago, I’ve found it harder to meet new people beyond my friends I’ve made at work(who are all fantastic people), as life is filled with work, family, and what little time I have left to devote to my passion of writing and recording music. And I now I wanna surf. 😆
Wow, thanks for sharing. I will definately allocate time for friendship even when things are busy. I definate consider myself a friend of the podcast.
Hey Mark, I just wanted to thank you, I read your book The subtle art of not giving a fuck and now I watch your videos pretty regularly here on UA-cam. I have greatly enjoyed my journey of self improvement in which you have had a significant impact on. Thanks again for your work, it really does make a difference.
Great conversation guys and being child-free as well I LOLLED hard😆 Another issue with kids, is that parents hardly have any time left. As a result most of my closest friends are child-free as well.
I believe one of the most counterproductive things you can do when looking to make friends is actually trying to make friends. When you focus on trying to make connections, you can interfere with the ones that happen organically. Focusing on having a good time in public settings, being yourself, and showing genuine interest in others makes people enjoy your company and seek you out every time they see you. It's a recipe for friendships at any age.
It's down to one aspect for me, genuineness. People just are not as real anymore. You spent years in close proximity with someone or a group of people. Only to find out they never really like you as a person to begin with. Most of us, including myself, get together with people with motives. What they can contribute to your life. What you can benefit from etc... Once I saw I was part of that circle. I just don't care about keeping friends anymore. Plus once I quit drinking, that narrowed down the number of friends a lot. Guess most people just don't want to hang out sober 😅
Big YES to 2 episodes per week!!! ❤❤❤
1. Never understood why anyone needs a friend. What for? 2. And if you need a friend, why are you agonizing over it? It should come natural. 3. Friendship should not be an obligation with duties. It should be an easy part of one's life. 4. If making friends or having them is hard work and agonizing, is it really worth having them?
Wow this is so helpful
I don't want to hang out people who have the same interests. I love to learn new things. Be interested in new things. To me, it is shared experiences and hardship that draws people together. Be willing to bear others burdens.
I would say that for men it’s exceptionally difficult to make friends if you’re not into sports. It’s seems like 90% of men are fanatical about sports. I myself find them to be mindless drivel as an adult and don’t see the appeal beyond spectacular highlights. Sports go hand in hand with drinking which is another wildly popular past time that I don’t enjoy. Having no interest in neither of these eliminates 95% of people because that’s all they ever want to do is talk about sports or drink.
Really enjoy listening to you and reading your books. I am in my 60's. I do not see things like I did in my 40's.
I’m 55, I’ve figured out nothing and doubt everything and it’s getting worse by the years.
Great show, Ladies.
Listening to the last part I just wanna say love u guys and the show
Many thanks for this episode. We moved to another state, a year and a half ago, because all the relatives on one side of the family have been living here for almost thirty years. However, I always will miss my best friends who still are in my former location. I am so thankful, though, that I met three friends here--one of whom is named Fernanda😊, incidentally--despite that they are so busy that I rarely have seen them. Last week, I was told that Fernanda and family will relocate to Florida in a few days. My son, who has no siblings, will be so disappointed because he will miss Fernanda's son; so, I have yet to break the news to him. I certainly agree that it's so difficult to make friends as an adult. Your suggestions are very helpful. Best wishes, Andrea S.
Great topic
acceptance ..... full acceptance, warts and all = deepest level of friendship
« I don’t dislike kids but I have never hung out with one and been like… that was cool. » 😂😂😂😂 I’m going to use that
Awesome video guys
I've attempted to reconnect with childhood friends but I've found that I've changed so much since I was a kid that we no longer are a good fit. It was sad at the time but I realize that who we are as kids is probably not who we are as adults.
As for the following up bit and going hard on a niche bit, that's a skill set you learn as a service-based entrepreneur. As an introvert I am not skilled at these seemingly obvious extrovert skills. But it has been important to remember that I'm not bugging someone by following up and I won't get in front of the right people without being in front of people that share my interests.
I loved Mexico too. They are really warm people. I find the culture very interesting!
Nice one.
"I think this is an under-discussed component of this issue, which is that as you get older and you take on this process of self-discovery and figuring out who you are, each step of progress you make along that path narrows the aperture of the friendships that you can potentially connect with."
There are three levels of friends:
1. Weekday friends: These people will only want to hang out with you on a weekday. Think of them as acquaintances or colleagues.
2. Weekend friends: These people will spend valuable time off work with you. In other words, they don't see you as work. You are closer now.
3. Public holiday friends: These people now spend Christmas with you because you are like family to them now.
Don't waste your time with weekday friends. See them one every 6 months and move on if they don't call back. Follow up on your weekend friends at least once a month and schedule meet ups. For public holiday friends, you need to surprise them every once in a while to show them how much you care.
He resonates a lot to me. I'm from Brazil and he married a brazilian. I think my country, despite of its troubles, has something to teach to the world. Many things to learn as well. But as he says, and thinking about it, it's weird about the advantages and disadvantages. In the end, human beings have a bottom line.
Hi all, I just wanted to testify here that I'm a 63 yr old man. Ok Boomer?!! But as an old guy I don't have any trouble in this area. I make friends with a lot of different ppl of different ages and I think it's because I'm genuinely interested in ppls stories how they feel and see things. But I think this is just something that I've had since young. I've always liked big families and the difference tween the kids. There's always something going on. . Plus playing team sports I think has helped. I've somehow learned a way of making friends at all times in my life. I'm lucky I know. Best of luck to all of you. Don't be afraid of small talk. It's a bridge to deeper things
I'm 32, stay at home mom and I don't have any friends. It's not because I don't want them, that's just how the cookie crumbled over the years. Any time I try to make mom friends, it ends in attempts to get me to join an MLM downline. I guess I just don't have the time and energy to pay the lifestyle tax in wading through the muck to find a loyal friend.
I haven't had an actually decent close friend in years and it's really depressing
idk why but i thought i was the only one,.. good to know i'm not the only one that went from a vibrant social life to barely one, but honestly most times i don't mind it, but it can feel worrisome because "studies" show that to live a long happy life we need friends!
Other studies show that it’s just human interaction that’s important and give examples like connecting with the grocery store clerk or postal delivery person. A short, nice chat. And also having a positive, optimistic attitude.
"They expect the most of you but they don't expect anything of you." I like that.
The point about Golf is the socialization that goes on when one isn't actually playing. Most other sports there is limited downtime to connect with people, what I like about Golf is that people of different skill sets can play together. In a game like Tennis, this is not possible.
thanks Mark
I joke around that I must have a neon sign on the side of my house that says, "I'm on a zoom call! Start your leaf blowers!" It's the only explanation for the phenomenon.
One of my few wishes in life is that a law is passed to allows leaf blowers on only two days a week. I’d prefer one but two seems more reasonable. I despise them.
When we don’t like to connect with children, we are often less likely to connect with our own inner child. It used to be me😊 When we are good at connecting with children, we have empathy and a higher EQ emotional Intelligence. It’s a skillset we can develope❤
33:41 text convo is hilarious lmfao mark
Can you make a video on college friendships plz? it is difficult because there are sooo many options for friendships and hard to maintain em all and get close to them, especially when your part of a huge group like a fraternity.
Ok, what constitutes a friendship? My closest friend at the moment is a guy who lives in New Zealand and I live in Australia. My friend is around 36? and I'm 67. We play computer games, we met online when I was recently diagnosed with a rather nasty cancer and I didn't really have a hard time dealing with it but I really wanted some timeout, no brain zone. For some reason we clicked right away and have been friends ever since. My friend travels a lot, a pilot and about a year ago he was coming over to Australia to get a visa to Finland, he was doing a year off, working holiday. My friend wanted to go on a short road trip. I was a bit concerned because I was wondering what we'd have in common, other than computer games. We're not even politically on the same page. I was thinking of driving up the coast but my friend wanted to go to the outback, because he's a New Zealander and wanted to go somewhere where there isn't on the coast. Anyway, we laughed all the way to Charleville and Quilpie and we're still good friends. On Discord :)
I’m not sure what’s worse, being stuck alone on a desert island or golf.
I love you guys!
Pickleball! So true Mark! It has done wonders on the 3 components of my wellness: mind, body, and soul! Mind benefits: the quick thinking, firefights at the net, dopamine flows strong, learning new skills, and I feel just great. Body: best condition of my life, joints actually improved, play fasted so I am the slimmest in my adult life, metabolism is sky high so I can eat plenty of carbs without gaining weight, and my hormones are so balanced(I can hang a coat on it!). and my soul: the connections with people even if it's just one game with a partner, the vibe, the friendships, and the community! It's relatively easy for the majority of people to learn. Just go by some public open play rec courts and observe and you'll see laughing, good sportsmanship, and camaraderie like no other sport/activity. All ages and skill levels come together. Pickleball is solving many of today's issues of loneliness, social isolation, and sedentary lifestyles. Peace, Love, and Pickleball!
Pickleball as the answer to life, the universe, and everything! Lol. I think I have to try it!!