Start Conversations with Confidence - Esther Perel

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  • Опубліковано 23 січ 2025

КОМЕНТАРІ • 121

  • @roamgarcia4918
    @roamgarcia4918 7 років тому +179

    To start small talk, I've made a resolution to say a compliment to a stranger everyday. If nothing else, it at least makes them smile

    • @analisantos7289
      @analisantos7289 6 років тому +8

      YES! That is beautiful! Please, yes!

    • @Fayarin
      @Fayarin 6 років тому +1

      And, how did it go?

    • @pixie89
      @pixie89 5 років тому

      Awesome

    • @gailmarie1961
      @gailmarie1961 5 років тому +16

      I do that too! And I also thank people that I believe are not sufficiently recognised if I have a chance...e.g the guy who sweeps the floors in the streets ; I just stop the person to say ...Thank you, your job is so necessary to us all and I don’t think people realise what life would be like without people like you to help us enjoy clean streets!
      Anywhere you look there can be beauty if you want to see it. Gratefulness is also wonderful as a feeling, you can choose to be thankful for every little thing that is positive.
      I lived in Paris where everybody went to work in dark clothes and showed dull faces every morning. So, I decided to walk smiling ....I assure you it is contagious...people smile back without even knowing what is in your mind! Universal language really.

    • @sailormoonx9774
      @sailormoonx9774 4 роки тому +1

      Please don’t. It’s uncomfortable especially from a stranger.

  • @hannahi9355
    @hannahi9355 7 років тому +183

    Her dress sense is impeccable:)

  • @pikamontr
    @pikamontr 8 років тому +220

    I don't know why but the whole "using" your shyness as an endearing trait actually made me laugh. I don't know why I never thought of that; I guess I got bombarded with people telling me to just be more confident that such an idea never occurred to me.
    As always, you're great! x3

    • @deardeer6139
      @deardeer6139 3 роки тому +1

      Realise that it needs a lot of confidence to show you are a little shy to approach ... So, men AND WOMEN, do it, use it!

    • @voyance4elle
      @voyance4elle Рік тому

      It's indeed very endeering! (As a non-shy person who finds shy ppl attractive)

  • @dudette2c
    @dudette2c 6 років тому +51

    I really like her blazer! Aside from being a brilliant person she's got an elegant edgy style.

  • @fernandavalerio2313
    @fernandavalerio2313 7 років тому +66

    This woman is a huge source of inspiration, happiness, ideas and insights... What a beautiful brain!!!! Amazing..

  • @pageboy1974
    @pageboy1974 8 років тому +66

    I like the idea of using situations where you aren't going to see people again as practice, that lowers the pressure.

  • @sarabovo2151
    @sarabovo2151 5 років тому +33

    I love this woman and her emotional intelligence. Such an inspiration!

  • @venusvolante9322
    @venusvolante9322 4 роки тому +12

    I have felt a sense of fakeness when someone starts a small talk with a compliment of my look (sweater, makeup, etc). I have learned to be receptive of the assertiveness (confidence). I had to find the courage to respond with a thank you (smile) and think of a way to mimic the behavior (do I give compliment or do I ask their name?) Small talk is a dance.

  • @sabinemcgee3413
    @sabinemcgee3413 7 років тому +91

    Esther Perel, your hair and outfit are beautyful. That needs to be said!

    • @Present4
      @Present4 3 роки тому +2

      Agreed. She is beautiful in every way actually.

  • @billmarcellino2276
    @billmarcellino2276 7 років тому +46

    The technical term for small talk is "phatic communication," and Esther is right that it has an important social function--it's a kind of "social lubricant" that helps us negotiate day to day life. But it also opens the door to more intimate, substantial connection. Phatic talk opens the possibility of asking not only "How's it going," but also "Hey, how are you?"

  • @chilo2k
    @chilo2k 7 років тому +88

    I love her advice about small talk. I try to talk to random people everywhere. In the bus, on the train and in the elevator. People get surprised when I say something as if it was weird. I do agree that some people may have lost touch with that. Thanks @esther Perel

    • @camez2345
      @camez2345 7 років тому +15

      Cecilio Perez I'm the same way. I try to connect with people in a genuine way as I go about my day, but sometimes people are surprised or unreceptive -- which is fine, everybody is different. But if it happens too many times in a row, I want to just stop and say, "Wait - you guys do know that we're all gonna die one day, right?" Like, what are you waiting for to connect with people or be kind or just yourself? Time's a wastin', people.

    • @mairead354
      @mairead354 6 років тому +5

      Cecilio Perez True! Irish people love doing that (although sometimes it is just downright nosiness, especially if it's an elderly person from the countryside 😅) and that was something I didn't realise I would miss when I lived in Germany. Some cultures just don't lend themselves to that kind of spontaneous interaction with strangers and Germans famously don't usually do small talk. The fact that I also lived in a big city over there probably only exacerbated things, as I've heard similar things from friends who've moved to say, London, so it's not just a cultural thing.

    • @yuliabr9
      @yuliabr9 6 років тому

      You're right, but I don't have a partner to speak to. I don't live in the English speaking country and I'm looking for someone who can speak to me via facebook for example.😭

    • @analisantos7289
      @analisantos7289 6 років тому +5

      I so do that!!! Yes!
      I've come up with an ingenious way to make my day better when I'm feeling crappy (not downright miserable, just that level of crappy that is not great):
      1. I will find a woman on the street that is wearing something I like/think it's cool (mind you, I am an heterossexual woman, so, I find other women because it takes the sexual edge off);
      2. I walk up to them, smile and say "That is a very cool/beautiful/unique dress/coat/necklace/whatever! It looks great on you!".
      I've had one or two bad responses (as in "you're a freak" kind of look, combined with a shy "thank you" that reads "now please stop and go away"). But other than that, they react with amazing enthusiasm (many times they share the story of the piece in question) and we part and I get that feeling that they are going to tell their friends/family that this happened to them, and maybe they are going to feel better about themselves today, maybe today, if nothing else, I did THAT right.
      It's wonderful small talk and I reccommend it.

  • @neilcrowesongs9768
    @neilcrowesongs9768 5 років тому +5

    This is so more authentic than online dating coaches who are so goal and numbers oriented.

  • @luciem5372
    @luciem5372 4 роки тому +8

    Small talk--love it! Most older people know how to do it, young people need to learn how. Especially during this pandemic. Time to connect to other humans!

  • @1LaOriental
    @1LaOriental 5 років тому +15

    The power of vulnerability and authenticity! Yes!! ♥️

  • @rudeawakening3833
    @rudeawakening3833 2 роки тому +3

    Thank you for helping us -
    “ underdogs “ !
    The empowerment you teach us is priceless - and I so appreciate this .
    God Bless .

  • @lolar6085
    @lolar6085 8 років тому +41

    Thank you for shraring this tips on "small talk".
    Years ago I was alone in New York for a week and felt quite blocked to talk because my spanish accent .Most people I found there was very nice to me, even in elevators, shops, coffee bars. I have a very nice memory of the week because of that.
    I learned to do the same when returned to Spain and it is worthwhile to me. It is a kind of practice not only for shyness but to recognize our humaness to each other in stressing places. I truly appreciate smiles and "small talk" because I do not feel ignored or invisible in the city.

  • @tg7112
    @tg7112 6 років тому +5

    I love you Esther Perel.. Every word you speak has it's own personality, all of them put together just sets me in a new awe..every time.

  • @ClevelandTabla
    @ClevelandTabla Рік тому

    This is great! Just yesterday I had to have a difficult conversation with a new boss. Felt nervous, so I decided to first tell him I was a little nervous, which I did, and the conversation started by him saying never be nervous about talking to me, you can always talk freely to me about anything. So I’m glad I started off that way. Thank you for all the great advice and relationship wisdom!

  • @Scorpitarius05
    @Scorpitarius05 4 роки тому +1

    She is elegance and intelligence personified.

  • @teacheralisonmedina
    @teacheralisonmedina 8 років тому +10

    I've just found your videos and I simply loved what you say.
    ps. I'm Brazilian, I also have a strong accent when I speak English. I used this to talk to random people during my trip to the U.S. the experience was amazing.

  • @annashui
    @annashui 7 років тому +9

    I love this woman she is very smart confident and intelligent always true what she said to herself and to another this channel really helpful for me and for another thank you !

  • @carolynwhelan8633
    @carolynwhelan8633 4 роки тому +1

    You are awesome. I have never been disappointed by your advice. You are so in tune with people and relationships. Thank You!!

  • @BenefitsofBravery
    @BenefitsofBravery 7 років тому +57

    You have a beautiful accent! I can’t imagine you trying to cover your accent.

  • @mily87ful
    @mily87ful 6 років тому +39

    When my bf and I went on our first date the 1st time he was sweating so bad , his head was so shiny and sweaty 😆😆😆 I was trying to act brave , he had no clue I was having massive hyperactive bowel sounds

  • @helenhopper8646
    @helenhopper8646 4 роки тому +2

    Love this lady!! I am very shy having a dog can help. Plus the love of coffee 😊💕🐾

  • @Moonlight_Sonata19
    @Moonlight_Sonata19 4 роки тому +1

    This woman saves my relationships on a daily basis

  • @EmilianoPancaldi
    @EmilianoPancaldi 7 років тому +6

    Thanks Esther for your videos! I love your accent (I'm italian, and my accent and my english is not very good): I watch your videos with pleasure because your answers are amazing for me and your speaking is very clear. In this video I've found some connections with what I've read in this book "Life zones" by Richard Corriere and Mc Grady. In particular when you say to try speaking with others (in the subway, at the museum, etc...) this is a typical trend in the public zone, where we can find connections with others without compromising our personal intimity. I'm a teacher and I realize that many, many people don't know this simple, but strong tip for solving several issues. Thanks for your presence on youtube. Good job!

    • @Bloquita5
      @Bloquita5 6 років тому

      Emiliano Pancaldi, you expressed yourself very well in English.

  • @monicaburtonlmft7230
    @monicaburtonlmft7230 6 років тому +1

    completely agree that we have lost small talk. So important to bring it back, gain connection again!!

  • @krystall7959
    @krystall7959 3 роки тому +1

    How do you start conversations with confidence while you are communication boundaries while keeping the other persons better interest in mind....
    I have been listening for a while now and am a huge fan! your advice has relieved so many! Thank you

  • @jacquelinedahan4568
    @jacquelinedahan4568 7 років тому +12

    Always fabulous advices and encouragements. Thank you so much!

  • @QuietClariti
    @QuietClariti 10 місяців тому

    Interesting take. I’m also very shy, but I’m exceptionally curious about other people. I find people fascinating. Thanks for sharing.

  • @grantbooysen6475
    @grantbooysen6475 7 років тому +13

    'Just smile at them.' #spoton Most of communication is non-verbal anyway! :)

  • @tel5690
    @tel5690 7 років тому +8

    Exactly....Esther...You are spot on...100%

  • @madanarathimadangopal5890
    @madanarathimadangopal5890 5 років тому

    Your style & confidence are just exemplary.u are beauty with brains.

  • @romir6643
    @romir6643 5 років тому

    Esther...in fact ur accent is beautiful...I try to copy it all d time.. I just love it. N u r such a confident person...

  • @lizmead7233
    @lizmead7233 2 роки тому

    You make it seem so easy!!! Thank you for your great suggestions. Love the accent too, glad you dont cover it up! LOL

  • @zaghag8888
    @zaghag8888 4 роки тому

    Eloquence and poetic style will ignite the flames of passion/

  • @LanAnh-jl3tc
    @LanAnh-jl3tc 7 років тому +6

    You're so inspiring, I love your advice. Thank you

  • @ericsychampanakhone9084
    @ericsychampanakhone9084 4 роки тому +1

    Hello Esther, I’ve been fascinated by you lately. Not just your intelligence but also your beauty. I’m a young 30 year old man and I’ve been fairly shy to say something. Our age difference is a bit taboo but as it is I’ve found some confidence and want to ask you if you would like to have some coffee with me sometime? I live in southern MA so if you’re ever around look me up. I’d be very interested in getting to know you face to face. 🌺

  • @Abdulmajid-wp8jt
    @Abdulmajid-wp8jt 5 років тому

    U r the light in darkness keep lighting ur love stay blessed 4ever amen

  • @Dashingdiva73
    @Dashingdiva73 7 років тому +2

    I wish I had this information twenty years ago! Excellent advice!

  • @andreaolivieri4838
    @andreaolivieri4838 6 років тому +1

    PLEASE MAKE MORE VIDEOS LIKE THIS 💖💖💖 you’re the best

  • @anastasiasongs
    @anastasiasongs 7 років тому

    You are so beautiful! Thank you for your wonderful advice and information. I also LOVE the Moroccan coffee tables!

  • @vanickkam1255
    @vanickkam1255 5 років тому

    Her advice is like music to my ears 🔥

  • @SXHQQSSS
    @SXHQQSSS 7 років тому +2

    WOW!! Fits my description!! I can make use of it!!! Thanks ;)

  • @jmcarbone2754
    @jmcarbone2754 4 роки тому

    I just discovered your videos and find your insights to be brilliant. Thank you.

  • @eclipsedawn9
    @eclipsedawn9 4 роки тому

    There’s power in accepting yourself

  • @_jen_____jen_
    @_jen_____jen_ 4 роки тому

    It is also about facing fear to overcome it again and again

  • @marqueztamen4137
    @marqueztamen4137 6 років тому +1

    Almighty Esther. How come a person became so good in understanding people behaviour?

  • @mihaeladog7187
    @mihaeladog7187 5 років тому +2

    Beautifull and smart at the same time ❤️

  • @joannelewis8038
    @joannelewis8038 3 роки тому +1

    It's a beautiful accent

  • @TT-sr4mu
    @TT-sr4mu 3 роки тому

    Perel's accent is 😍

  • @Kimmyha43
    @Kimmyha43 7 років тому

    Remarkable! Thank you for answering what I've always wondered.

  • @pixie89
    @pixie89 5 років тому

    And just for the record, I Love your accent 🥰🥰🥰

  • @queenfeminine8684
    @queenfeminine8684 6 років тому +1

    You look beautiful. Thank you for the wisdom x

  • @caroh2809
    @caroh2809 7 років тому +8

    Awww my crush always talks weather and sport as conversation openers with me because he’s really shy. What he should know is that I’m DYING for him to speak to me.

    • @Alberto00016
      @Alberto00016 7 років тому

      Caro H that's cute. You could make that first step, think about It.

  • @1LaOriental
    @1LaOriental 6 років тому +2

    The power of vulnerability! ♥️

  • @danielamondschein
    @danielamondschein 3 роки тому

    love the necklace!

  • @the_dark_forest
    @the_dark_forest 3 роки тому

    PLEASE make sure (as best you can) that you're not intruding. If it's obviously a group of close friends spending time together, they may have not seen each other in months or years, and this may be a special occasion. Also, consider, that if you are rejected, the person may have just gotten out of a very traumatic, possibly violent relationship, and they may be close to terrrified of their fellow man. They may be really struggling to get over abuse and are having a hard time learning to be social again. They may need baby-steps. Esther's comment about being honest that you're shy would make it easier for a person to respond to you as you're reaching out like the vulnerable, genuine human being we all are at times, and if say, a person has had an awful time recently, they would feel safer speaking with you for a longer period and perhaps explaining why they are supposedly 'rejecting' you. It's not that black & white. Also, people are sometimes genuinely in another relationship or just starting - about to start one. It happens a LOT. Gosh people get offended when you say you're in a relationship. It happens!!!!

  • @lindazhang8004
    @lindazhang8004 3 роки тому

    love it !! it is so true !!

  • @ottercai
    @ottercai 7 років тому

    You can also compliment someone or take note of something in their appearance and talk about that.

  • @stephaneperron9852
    @stephaneperron9852 7 років тому +1

    Wow, I'm inspired

  • @yashasohtun1523
    @yashasohtun1523 5 років тому

    Love you Ester. This is really helpful :)

  • @nolleengonzales
    @nolleengonzales 5 років тому

    😢 Thank you.

  • @TheofficalNRA
    @TheofficalNRA 6 років тому

    She rocks.

  • @manuelyanez5578
    @manuelyanez5578 4 роки тому

    where can I send in a question??

  • @johndonaldson3619
    @johndonaldson3619 5 років тому +2

    Admit to your shyness then take the kick in the ass rejection and leave! Better still, fake the confidence and you'll have a MUCH better chance!

  • @JO-mg6xc
    @JO-mg6xc 3 роки тому

    Not a single woman has ever approached me to tell me that she’s shy and that we should be together. I feel like a failure, like a nobody, like a rainbow, I’m like a rainbow. I’m going to get rich, and then they will love me. Has anybody seen my pills?

  • @amyabernathy8875
    @amyabernathy8875 9 місяців тому

    Interestingly I developed a series of questions about the things that truly matter to me that I affectionately dubbed “the gauntlet” that I asked everyone to answer that I was interested in getting to know better…just to narrow down who to invest time in…the online dating market can be soooo overwhelming! I am now in a wonderfully meaningful relationship where we are both willing to engage in “the work”. That goes a long way.

  • @aznsolja84
    @aznsolja84 6 років тому

    Small talk is not actually one of my favorite subjects.. lol since most do practice small talk and engage in mundane topics that I find trivial (apologise.. I don't know what other word to use. Still working on positive communication skills) personally.
    And as a person who loves meaningful and deep conversations about anything, it is hard to find people who doesn't simply converse about cars, or money, or get rich quick strategies, make up, bar talks, etc. And most of the time, I tend to simply shy away when people engage in small talk for that matter.
    But now I see that it isn't the small talk that I do fear. It is the mundane topics that I hear. Haha. I understand it is ok. But I'm a natural knowledge seeker. And perhaps.. it is simply that I must choose were I go and align myself more wisely.
    But now I see the importance of small talk =) just not the typical small talk.. haha
    I can't.... it's mind boggling.. haha.

    • @clickchuu
      @clickchuu 6 років тому +2

      Ray Antonio I used to have the same mindset. Until I realized that I’m also an actor in molding the conversation. Small talk is only the start. Most people have interesting stories to share if you dig a little. It’s also on us to identify what we have in common and steer the conversation in that direction. It’s made it much more less tedious for me to talk to people. You can even make it into a game, a challenge! Prod a little bit. If they don’t take the bait and stay on a superficial level of conservation, you can walk away with no regret. But you’d be surprised how deep some people can be =] hope you find your people!

    • @MarokoJin
      @MarokoJin 5 років тому

      You can start with small talk unless you hear a deep conversation going on and you'll join in lol.
      Small talks can lead quickly to deeper subjects, this is where you can see if you found someone who's on the same level or not.
      Hmmm... I usually develop friendship for people with whom I can have a great conversation... That's not what I really look for with a life partner, it's better if we complement each other, I won't say no to a dude who isn't knowledgeable, he must have other qualities that I lack.

  • @ioanalee3223
    @ioanalee3223 5 років тому

    Does anyone have this problem where they just run out of things to talk about with their bf/gf?
    Or have stale conversations. Some of us really don't have many interesting things going on in our life or read many books so how do we continue to have engaging conversations?

  • @bugajk25
    @bugajk25 4 роки тому

    If you’re hitting on a woman compliment her shoes! Even if they are ragged and gross say those shoes look comfy! It does t matter who the woman is she will allow u to strike up a conversation.
    I love your shoes!! They look really comfortable! Where did you get them? Is that your favorite store? Do u like shopping bla bla bla - Whatever they’ll go on and on about their shoes and will open up about anything! It’s worked 💯 I approached a man hating butch lesbian on a dare! She was rude to everyone and I asked her about her gym shoes and she loved them and she hikes in a different brand but otherwise she was true to this brand told me about the ceo of the company bla bla bla! It works with any woman! That’s how I approach them! The way to a woman’s heart is thru her shoes! This works at the bar on job interviews! This works for women who are looking to make friends with women! Lol all around the world this trick works

  • @MUGEX
    @MUGEX 6 років тому

    Esther you are very beautiful. I will watch again:)

  • @eriksyring
    @eriksyring 5 років тому

    James Marshall is the guru here.

  • @nancyreyes5219
    @nancyreyes5219 3 роки тому

    I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling lonely!

  • @JO-mg6xc
    @JO-mg6xc 3 роки тому

    And women do not want shy men. They want men that can take charge, they want a good provider, a defender of the brood

  • @stevejason8679
    @stevejason8679 3 роки тому

    Now with every one birthed into their smart phones I imagine approaching people is a little awkward.

  • @elvansavkl7972
    @elvansavkl7972 7 років тому

    ah how nice she is.

  • @DaveKohler
    @DaveKohler 6 років тому

    Great accent ... :-)

  • @talithasuya8908
    @talithasuya8908 4 роки тому +1

    The person behind me in line is six feet away. #2020

  • @henrylyimo2713
    @henrylyimo2713 7 років тому +3

    I hope she has a clone meant for me ❤️🔥🔥🙌🏿

  • @johndonaldson3619
    @johndonaldson3619 4 роки тому

    HIM: I'm shy but I think you are attractive and I would like the chance to get to get to know you better, would you be interested?
    HER: Get lost creep

    • @karinpowers1018
      @karinpowers1018 4 роки тому

      You wouldn't say that as the very first sentence, right?

  • @youkoufarzi
    @youkoufarzi 6 років тому

    Did I say I love you yet?

  • @peterj.andros3996
    @peterj.andros3996 5 років тому +1

    On the surface there really isn't a lot to object to here and that's what worries me about Perel's teaching monologues. It's all meat and potatoes, no nuance, no shadows, little paradox. There's nothing that will rile anyone culturally who is white, middle/low/upper class, somewhat educated and armed with a ninth grade vocabulary. It's a very British influenced education that informs her personally and a British existentialism and pedagogy that has brainwashed countless people in the schools and universities. Perel is the new Norman Vincent Peale. A clinician turned self-help guru who has successfully organized a media outreach of current psychological babel. It's almost guaranteed Perel's messages are misunderstood by millions of people.

  • @TheElizabethjoanna
    @TheElizabethjoanna 6 років тому

    People forget how to talk they are dead no human emotions no vulnerability at all ☹️

  • @davidedelbraca6358
    @davidedelbraca6358 7 років тому

    I'll can stop the world one minut first ... I would'll knowing one first of the my action ..... now I'll have my woman with me .... she gone away

  • @eleonoraformatoneeszczepan8807
    @eleonoraformatoneeszczepan8807 2 роки тому

    A real person ... in person ... for real ... I don't see how ... sigh ...

  • @yukoohara9744
    @yukoohara9744 4 роки тому

    those coffee tables.......

  • @lynnyoung8443
    @lynnyoung8443 5 років тому

    you cant when you dont have it

  • @roberthopkins8089
    @roberthopkins8089 2 місяці тому

    Loosing small talk 100%

  • @richardeliasjames5190
    @richardeliasjames5190 4 роки тому +1

    *this woman would be in the HOLLYWOOD not here on*

  • @maryjaneharber7193
    @maryjaneharber7193 4 роки тому

    Its great to see a sexperts who is hot, intelligent....self thinking and passionate..... I like what see said in an other clip, nearly not dead,alive

  • @wouterhoff6912
    @wouterhoff6912 7 років тому

    ,

  • @Houseplantpixie
    @Houseplantpixie 2 роки тому

    I totally understand the accent thing. When I started my UA-cam channel (about plants 🪴) I put music on the videos (thought it might distract people) I am getting more confident and watching your videos are amazing ❤❤❤thanks for sharing your knowledge. I appreciate it 🙏 😌

  • @youkoufarzi
    @youkoufarzi 6 років тому

    Did I say I love you yet?