It's really weird being gay because so much of society's portrayal of a man is in contrast or opposition to a woman. It's hard to see myself in media and use that as a cue for my gender because so much of mainstream media doesn't really portray the sort of gay man that I am.
@@haftrox1 Not the original commenter but I feel similarly (also gay). For example, Hannah was talking about how she always identified with song lyrics referring to girls. Let's take Perfect by Ed Sheeran. "Baby, I'm dancing in the dark //With you between my arms." As a gay girl, I'd be looking at that and thinking of myself as the singer talking to the girl in my arms, if that makes sense? But then I'm identifying with the male voice in the song. And I can't resonate with the majority of female singers (let's take Taylor Swift's Blank Space "You're the King, baby, I'm your Queen ". I can't see myself as the singer here, because my partner wouldn't be a "King." This applies to media outside of songs too. Did that help?
@@hopeparis5796 Yes it does. It's funny because as someone who has toyed with the aro/ace identity, I've never identified with or seen myself in those kinds of song lyrics either. I can totally imagine the frustration when looking for something to resonate with but the only thing available is heteronormative.
"Things like remembering family members' birthdays and making sure cards are sent..." This is a hugely under-appreciated talent/chore within households/relationships/groups, well done to anyone who is this person, you are awesome.
You know, I hated cards (long story) and I am 58. Yes, I sent them because "society" dictates you do so. Anyway, always sent the appropriate cards and left it at that, never giving it a second thought. Until.... my father passed last july and those cards mean so much to me. So I am glad I always sent those cards, even though my heart wasn't in it at the time, they didn't know it and it did mean a lot to them.
I am a woman who never wears makeup and I disagree with the "when women don't wear makeup, they're asked if they're ill or tired" because I never get that. I think it's more that when you change your default, people will comment. And probably because we're more conditioned to focus on women's looks, we are more likely to comment when women do it. An eye infection forced me to wear my glasses to work and even before arriving I was dreading that the whole day I'd be subjected to the "you got glasses?! Wow you look so x!!" comments. Days like that are when you want to tape a card to your forehead- "yes, I do have glasses. Let's move on."
Since I don’t wear makeup my bare face is my default face and I don’t get comments about being tired. But for my friends who usually wear makeup, they do get told they look ill or tired without it since their made up face is the default face people have seen.
When I started my current job I changed how i dressed/presented myself on a daily basis because how masc/femme I feel varies drastically, but eventually I forced myself to look the same every day due to all the comments about it and wishing I could broadcast "yes I was in a dress yesterday and today I look like I work in an auto shop, I'm not "finding myself" I'm just dressing how I feel!!!". Someday I hope people can judge less about how people present themselves on any given day compared to the previous one.
I've never once worn makeup, and nobody has ever commented on it. My brother wore glasses for some time, and when he stopped using them it just looked so odd to look at him because I was so used to what he looked like WITH glasses, so I don't think this is necessarily about being conditioned to notice women's looks. Although I don't know, I guess it could be.
Early thoughts, but everything you love about being a woman is sort of everything I hate about being a man. I find myself feeling very mixed hearing women describe their experiences. I'm happy for them, but I feel a lot of... I guess it's envy? That it's not something i get to experience without stigma. That closeness of friendship, the idea of being the follower in a dance, feeling like i'm allowed to express myself in more varied way. I haven't been able to properly cry since i was a teenager. I think i need to examine some of this shit more haha.
Sending hugs. And wishing you the best on this exploration. Wherever you land, if you're closer to yourself, it'll come with all sorts of happiness that I wish upon everyone.
this is why breaking down gender norms (and “smashing the patriarchy”, if you will) is helpful for *all* people. because, you’re right, those things you mentioned shouldn’t be stigmatized bc of someone’s gender.
Sending some hugs your way mate. Know you are not alone though, I'm pretty much in the same boat. Though the past few years have been trying to throw off and ignore "the norms" and go out and try doing things I now love. Still a lot of anxiety, and bigotry I witness. Just for dancing I get comments about wanting to hang around little girls off grown men and women. Thankfully the dance community has no such bias and agenda.
I feel the same way, I like my body but that's sex not gender and like how men seem to want to solve problems rather than just speak about it and empathise about it. but I actually hate masculinity nowadays which seems rooted in sexism, oversexualisation, conservatism, machoism, lack of human contact... I just feel like the idea of manhood is so much more restrictive than womanhood. The only other things I like about being the man is the opportunities imposed by the patriarchy though I wish those weren't linked to my gender.
I'm actually glad I never started wearing make-up regularly as I feel like that's kind of saved myself from that expectation. I remember as a teenager people saying things to me like 'oh you haven't got into make-up yet' as though I inevitably would. But I've always saved it as something just for fun or for special occasions. Which I think means people do see my no make-up face as my default face because that's how I look 99% of the time.
I’m very much into makeup but it’s always been an expression of my creativity. If I feel like putting on makeup, it’s bold, dramatic, colourful and very present. If I don’t, my face is bare. I’ve always felt like it should always be treated as an accessory instead of a necessity. But capitalism strikes again. 🤷🏾♀️
Absolute same. It's such an unnecessary chore and expense imo and I think I look great without it! The handful of times I've worn makeup I do think I looked even more beautiful but I don't think I need it. The key is not setting the expectation among people you know because they will think you look absolutely fine and normal without it. And I think the feeling Hannah mentioned of society's expectation that we should have a base layer of makeup at all times is a projection of the insecurities of people who have been made to feel that they don't look good enough without it.
Same thing as you, I never wear make-up, only on special occasions when I want to feel extra fancy (maximum 5 times a year I would say), and I'm so glad for it. I don't look "tired" or "weird" when not wearing any make up, as some women do, and it is liberating ! But also i'm French and we do tend as wearing less make up than other countries, so it might have helped
Trans girl here :-) Awesome video! I feel like a lot of those moments of confusion throughout are a direct result of the WHOs definition of gender. I wouldn't say that it's necessarily a bad definition, but I would argue that it is incomplete. While it is true that gender can be thought of as a social construct, and it is generally more useful in more circumstances to think of it that way than to imagine it as a biological imperative, it is not entirely divorced from our biology, depending on what aspect of gender you're examining. A better way to think of gender is as an umbrella term or a category with subcategories including things like identity, expression, roles, etc. When examining some aspects, such as reproductive roles, biology is going to have a much bigger influence than if you're talking about what kinds of clothes are traditional for men or women, for example. Since terms like 'sex' and 'gender' can be broken down further, and terms like 'feminine' and 'masculine' are really built up of large numbers of trends, as opposed to being rigid, monolithic categories, it gets really complicated! I cannot possibly do the subject justice (and probably oversimplified things here), but I highly recommend Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl" if you want to learn a more nuanced take on gender that might clear up some of the confusion you seemed to have when your self discovery seemed at odds with the idea that gender is wholly socially constructed. I should caveat that Serano's book is not strictly about gender: It is really intended as more of a book about feminism, and properly defining gender in all of its forms is simply a first step to making those points.
Blatantly untrue… as long as gender assignment incurs societal expectations, there will be people whose identity “matches” what they were assigned and people whose identity doesn’t. I understand that this may have been intended as encouragement, but it ultimately comes off as invalidating. Trans people exist. Get over it.
@King Slayer it literally is a social construct, it's defined that way by every academic article, journal or health organisation on the planet. Just because you're only learning this recently does not make it 'woke bullshit', it's okay to learn new things my dude. Also cis is the latin prefix for 'same as' while trans is the latin prefix for 'different', which is why non-trans people are cis-gendered.
I used to identify as trans and now I identify as cis. I feel that having explored my gender has really benefitted me as a person - to be more compassionate towards others and to understand different parts of myself!
Same. I used to think that just because I didn't fit the female stereotype, that meant I was a boy. I personally don't feel a strong connection to gender as a concept, but it's important to see how things shape and affect who you are.
Same! Nice to know there are other cis girls who also thought they were trans! Question: do you feel happy as a girl or do you sometimes wise you were actually a boy/not a girl? Sorry if this sounds weird, you don’t have to respond of course. I just recently came to the conclusion that I am a cis girl and I’m still a little pained by it. Wanna know if other people can relate.
speaking as a trans person, the way you discuss this with such nuance and inclusion while also being so self-reflective and personal is so wonderful and refreshing! i wish more cis people took the time to reflect on their genders with depth and care, and threads (and videos) like this are such a rad thing! thank you for this
A lot do but to be honest we get attacked as much as anyone else and that’s not even the whole story. Honestly I miss the days when we could just love each other regardless of what we are.
For the "feeding my gender" question, I think about the "not like other girls" trope which I was drawn to as a teen/younger adult. So I still make a conscious effort to do "girly" things like watching the To All the Boys trilogy or shopping for "impractical" things that bring me joy and are cute. But it will be fun to go back to ordering craft beers at bars/restaurants when my husband orders a fruity cocktail.
ooh I love that yess!! Thinking about it in that way I think feeding my gender would definitely include not feeling guitly about things I would previously have called "guilty pleasures" (perhaps because they were seen as very feminine)
That day in a German airport when a waitress (it was a woman) served my ex bf the beer and I got the "hugo" cocktail and, looking at her, I swapped the drinks - because _why?_
@@blancabt They deliver it to the wrong person almost every time! Same with wine. I like dry, earthy reds and my husband prefers sweet, fruity wines. They never deliver it to the right person.
this was such an interesting video! as someone who has recently come to terms with their transmasc identity i found it strangely affirming to listen to you explain how and why you identify as a woman and be like "nope, not me" hahaha
I'm wondering if more people are questioning their gender during the pandemic due to the lesser need to present to other people. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned being genderless at home. I present in quite a feminine way normally, but when I'm at home I care more about comfort and accessibility, which I think has an impact on how I view myself. As shallow as it may seem , I feel like much more of a woman when I wear a long skirt and a face of make up than I do when I am at home in leggings and a baggy t-shirt, where I feel almost genderless. I also feel like more of a woman when I'm in a nurturing position for others eg teaching or childcare, than when I am alone and just caring for myself. I'd never really thought of it in this way before but it's a really interesting insight into gender fluidity and, as you said, I think it is important for those who identify as cis just because it is the 'default' to explore it if they can!
Current-day gender ideology is contradictory and confusing, when it is actually quite simple. If you're female you're a woman. If you're male, you're a man. Wearing sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt doesn't make you less of a woman than when you're wearing a dress and heels. A man who wears a dress doesn't suddenly become a woman. He is a man who chooses to wear a dress and that's fine.
@@simfimpim well they become those things socially. But ya their gender doesn't change only what they identify with changes thus their social interaction may be that of a woman
I Never question my identity. I only find you guy so annoying trying to force pronouns. Just mind your own business and let people live. How hard is that. Too hard for your toxic group.
There's probably a lot of things that don't apply when we're alone, if we thought about it enough. Our names for one thing. That's used to identify us to others, or for others to communicate with us. On our own, we are just us - me, myself and I. This could get really deep. :-)
i began considering being non-binary because although i feel mostly comfortable with being referred to as a woman etc, when i need to ask myself, at any time, what do i feel like..? i always struggle and think..well..me.
@@thenerrdpit7441 We have different ways of getting there but we seem to arrive at the same conclusion. If you put everything else aside, all the labels, descriptions and so on, at the end of it all I arrive at me. I am me. :-)
Yesss! At home, free to be as we are. Not looked at as what society expects us but as an unique individual. I feel people see what it is stereotypically expected first than the real person in flesh and bones just in front of them. Living alone gave me time to think about it, really interesting and challenging 🤗
My least favourite part of being the "household manager" is than when I ask my husband to do somehing (take out the trash, go to the baker's) it feels like I'm bossing him around, yet the only reason I ask him is because I remember it needs to happen and he doesn't. If I didn't ask him, we would be stuck with our trashbag for another week, or without bread.
I can completely relate to this! And I think it‘s because it is still socially expected for the woman to organize the household so the men don‘t feel the need to think about what needs to be done - they want to help and will do it without question but it is still always seen just as „help“ and not their responsability to think about what needs to be done and organize it!
There's a cartoon that talks about exactly this that I think all men should see. I'm not sure if this link will work english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ If not just google "mental load emma" and show it to your husband. It was a huge eye opener for me when I first saw it and made me realise that my view of myself as a 'really good husband' was a little short-sighted.
absolutely agree w your points about a woman’s “default face” I used to be SO annoyed by that in college. like when people would ask me if I didn’t sleep well/if I was sick when I didn’t wear my usual tinted-moisturizer-blush-highlight-mascara regimen that made me look so dewy and fresh all the time. and yet no one bats an eye when guys walk around w crusty unmoisturized skin, eye bags or uneven skin tone 😩 (like I am such a ho for skincare my skin could be spotless and totally moisturized and yet I would still look “sick” - I guess bc my eyes look small without mascara?? idk it was bs) I had a revelation when I decided to stop wearing makeup to my corporate office job and found out everyone treated me the same bc we were all adults just there to do finance research and no one cared if my eyelashes were perfectly curled and fanned out. it was so liberating. and maybe all those years in college it wasn’t really that ppl judged me it’s just that I took a few of those comments to heart when I shouldn’t have. and maybe if I didn’t always wear makeup ppl would’ve associated my no-makeup face as my normal.... all that being said, I do still feel more “put together” with makeup on, even just my daily “natural” makeup look. but you’re right, that’s all probably bc of socialized pressure to be pretty as often as possible.... and now after spending a year not wearing makeup in quarantine, I think it’s further engrained in my head that wearing makeup = when I have my shit together bc this whole past year I have not had my shit together.... so now that’s associated w the no makeup and sweatpants regimen 😅 didn’t mean to write an essay in a comment oops lol leave a like if this was relatable 🥴
100% agree! I believe it's all about what ppl are used to seeing. Like how people who always wear glasses look weird if you see them without glasses for the first time (and the other way around). Same goes for braces. Thats why I try to make a point to switch up my look frequently if I'm entering a new space so the people will get to know me in various styles and get used to all versions of me.
So interesting, because I've never been into make up and would never want to wear it regularly, but having skipped over it I now don't have the skills/equipment to make that an option for myself! I'd love to be able to make my face up on occasion, but without the passion to put in the time to learning I remain unable to.
I am a man and can assure you that your makeup or lack of or wearing a prom dress or jeans and a t shirt are all fine. I dont care if people come to work to do a good job and be reasonable. I am way older now and used to look at the cute 25 year old girls all dressed up for each other. I am way past that. I have a daughter older than that. Women.. wear what your comfy in.. dress and heels or jeans and sneakers. You will be judged by what kind of person you are.. and not more. At least by me
haven't finished the video yet but wanted to quickly address the terminology with gender: Personally I find it very useful to make a distinction between gender identity and gender expression. Like the WHO puts it, your gender identity is your deeply felt experience of gender, while your gender expression is how the identity interacts with the world and either complies or defies societal expectations. to give some examples: My gender identity is female, my gender expression is feminine. Someone else could also identify as a woman but have a butchy/masc-leaning, or even neutral gender expression. This is particularly noticeable with Non-binary people: as they naturally have a non-binary gender identity, but all sorts of gender expressions: from masculine, to feminine, to androgynous or even a varying one depending on the situation. hope this clears it up! I think having nunced distinctions is very useful even if they can be abstracted to just "gender". Imo cis people are the ones who need to step up their language, not the other way around 😝
Lockdown and being alone with my thoughts was strangely liberating for me, which I realise is an immense privilege. It enabled me to put my life into perspective and my relationship to me gender. I define myself as queer, both for my gender and sexuality. I will use 'she' because I very, very, very strongly relate to sisterhood, defend sisterhood and womanhood. However, my relationship with my own gender is a bit more complicated than that. Specially due to my sexuality which partially subtracts myself from the male gaze and therefore what 'woman' means in our patriarcal society. So... I am young, so I guess I'll see how this all develops!
I think the point you make about being genderless when you're not around others is really interesting. Labels, as a concept, only really exist for others. They are a way for us to relate to others, to communicate a certain facet of ones sense of self, to find community in people who are similar. But when we're alone, we don't need those things. We don't need to find a way to describe ourselves, because we know ourselves, and that knowing is enough. Without labels, we have to take each other at face value - you just are you. It's interesting to think about.
As a genderqueer person, these questions made me realise how unimportant my gender is to me. I view gender (both as a concept and my own) like space, as a concept it is like space because there is so much nuance that I don't think I will ever fully understand everything about it, I might get a general idea and overview and a deeper understanding of small parts, but not all of it. My gender is like space because it is mostly empty, sure there are some areas with lots of stuff and that are fascinating, but most of it is inconsquential and empty because of how little connection I feel to gender, the areas full of interesting things are the few bits I feel connected to. Those bits are just elements that resonate with me, most of them relate to either femininity or androgyny, there is the occasional connect to masculinity, but they are rarer and most of the connections to any gendered things are to constructed things.
I am a (cis) woman but I feel like I have a pretty good mixture of typically 'feminine' and 'masculine' traits. For example, I often don't shave, I almost never wear makeup, I don't have a 'girl gang' and do almost all of the DIY in our house. But I'm also very emotional, I love clothes and interior design, I love rom coms and I like caring for people. I don't think I feel like a woman at the core of who I am but I'm perfectly happy identifying as a woman. But one of the things that really marks me out as 'feminine' is that, despite generally doing well academically and having had a job since I was 15, I have always wanted lots of kids and to be a housewife. And I feel like, these days, this isn't seen as cool or aspirational. As women we're supposed to want to be powerful career women following in the steps of Michelle Obama etc. That's never been my priority but I've always felt ashamed. It's sad that, in some ways, we've ricocheted from one expectation of women to another.
I relate to this! I am cis woman and feel comfortable identifying as a woman because I am very comfortable in my physical appearance as a woman, I dont feel pressured to look a certain way but I genuinely enjoy dying my hair, experimenting with different makeup looks, painting my nails etc. But in terms of my mindset I often relate more to men than women in the way that they see the world. I find that women who act out certain feminine behavioural stereotypes really get on my nerves! And I don't have a group of girl friends, I have 3 good female friends but none of them really know each other and only 1 of the 3 is inherently "girly".
I believe sitting down and introspectively looking at all of our 'labels' is an important part of developing our sense of self, even if it does leave us with more questions than answers sometimes. Great video! :D
interestingly enough, my male partner takes on the responsibility of keeping up with family and friends and all kinds of social obligations (and he's amazing at it too). it's something that i am terrible at and it makes me feel very anxious and uncomfortable, despite happily filling most other feminine roles in our relationship like cooking, cleaning, decorating our home, etc.
I used to feel insecure about the ways I'm "not feminine enough" according to society. But in grade 12 when I had just started going out with my boyfriend, we had this weird guest speaker come in and talk about gender roles in a very binary way (it was a private school and the teacher who brought this woman in was only temporary). My boyfriend and I realized we fit a lot of the opposite stereotypes/roles and that made us both feel much better, as he was teased for crocheting, and I was teased for not wearing makeup or very feminine clothes. We work well together and the ways we don't fit the binary, do fit with each other's personalities.
I have not worn makeup in over a year now. Really made me question my relationship with it, and I came to the same conclusion as you. I will definitely do this exercise since I'm clearly grappling with some of these concepts.
I've been questioning makeup in a different way. I don't like it unless it's for costumes or very fancy events, but I worry that when I have job interviews, people will think I don't care, or aren't clean (for some reason being made up makes people think you're more clean, even though makeup can be dirty). It's an odd place to be in. I stopped shaving for a while too, and it's been great. I do feel uncomfortable in shorts if I'm not wearing knee high socks (I often have to wear special socks for a disability I have), but I feel better about myself, oddly enough.
I guess some people think they are or feel ”gender-less” if they don’t express femininity or masculity in relation to themselves or others, but for me my gender identity is pretty much directly related to my physical sex. When I am by myself I feel like a woman because I have a vagina. Like I get that this is not true for everyone, but it’s true for me. If you can have gender dysphoria based on your physical sex, can’t I feel like gender ”affirmation” based on my physical sex?
@@user-xm1od9nb1m The thing is, the very notion that you would associate your body with an idea of gender is because it was taught you by others. If you weren't living in a society where that was the way it was, you probably wouldn't think of yourself as "a woman" or "a man" or whatnot.
@@user-xm1od9nb1m Because the fact that the notion was passed on to you by socialisation doesn't mean you feel comfortable in it. But, equally, you wouldn't have a notion of gender if you hadn't been socialised within that framework.
I LOVE THIS. I noticed something interesting halfway through the pandemic when I moved in with my boyfriend and basically havent interacted with another person since. Before this I was living with housemates and other family members (all women). Since living with one other (male) person, I have completely stopped thinking about how I present myself to the world. My to do list about the hair cut I'm going to get, the new jewellery i want, the piercings have all entered my mind again when I think about returning to society again. But these thoughts never went away when I was still living with other women. So do I perform my gender to feel a sense of belonging with other women, and to show where I fit among them, as opposed to differentiating myself from what I am not (i.e. presenting myself as the opposite of masculinity)? I don't know! But it's SO INTERESTING.
Holly Cow Hannah!!!! When it comes to deep conversations think its fair to say this one ranks up there...... interesting to hear your answers need to go spend some time to be able to come up with my own :-0
11:31 OMG, I relate so bad. I'm also a cis-het-monog woman and I feel this so much. Like I'm proud when I feel like our two-person household looks clean and that the pantry is always stocked, I always know what's for dinner and never really run out of anything and remember everyone's birthdays and who we need to call and all that. But I also can't shake off the feeling, like - when we have children (which we plan to), am I going to be the mum who does everything, no one ever helps her and the husband is completely unaware which child has which shoes and where the raincoats are? Because that fricking scares me. And I've trying to go against that but when I'm also trying to be more "together" and have the flat look a way that if someone comes I won't be ashamed...these two seem to be going against each other. I don't do it all alone, my partner does clean with me, cooks and all that but I'm always the one who says "the bathroom needs to be cleaned" or remember to buy toilet paper or reminds him that his mum's birthday is coming. And I never know if I'm just good at it or if it's because I've been raised that it's supposed to by my responsibility and my job and he wasn't. I'm fully aware that this isn't nearly the most important point from the video but it just felt so relatable, sorry for the article.
im pretty young (17) to be thinking about children and household management but i feel so similarly that i have almost ‘put myself off’ of having children because i don’t want to be the stay at home mother who is the main carer for the children and would want to be a career focused person... but feel as though its impossible to achieve both, having children, and being the ‘breadwinner’ so to speak.
Upon realising that I'm a lesbian I started to feel a lot less connected to womanhood. None of the things that are traditionally linked to being a woman really apply to me because its so centred around being appealing to men within society. I think I've always felt a bit uncomfortable being seen as super feminine by thoes around me eventhough I do like some stereotypically feminine things. I think I like the idea of just calling my gender queer or using lesbian as a label for my sexuality as well as my gender. I think I do still have some connections to womanhood though because I've been raised as a girl and society percieves me as a woman. Its really complicated and im not sure that I'll ever be sure about it. Im more connected to womanhood than manhood for sure but I don't know if woman really explains it all for me anymore?? In an ideal world everything would just be neutral and id just be like a weird blob or something haha. I feel like a person with the experiences of a woman if that makes sense.
It is interesting how much of gender is also heteronormative. As a non-binary person with often “feminine” presentation, I feel equally “straight” when interacting with men because they’re a different gender (though they don’t always feel the same). I ALSO feel “straight” when interacting with women because the relatability and joy in she/her pronouns is just not there for me… but that ends up meaning I don’t hit it off with lesbians romantically. Generally I date best with other bi people because they don’t find gender quite as prohibitive. I also find myself feeling “gay” when other NB people are around because they relate and I enjoy them and they say everything that no one else groks or identifies with!
As a trans person I had to ask myself all of these questions and more, and I feel more confident in myself for it. It's really just about tapping in to yourself and what you really want your life to look like to be happy - that's the goal for me anyway 😊
My mom told me that my hairy armpits were disgusting and gross. I tried asking her if my dads armpit hair was disgusting but she still insisted my body hair was nasty. Guess who’s not shaving until she’s moved out
Being a CIS male, I initially struggled answering the feeding my gender question as I feel like it absolutely doesn’t need feeding. But then I realised what it’s really asking was what needs to be done to help your gender grow in the right direction! So... removing the toxic masculinity norms and making it ok to ask for help when you need to lean on others.
I guess when you are feeling the societal pressures and you feel you can't do what you want to do because of your gender, just do it anyway and tell yourself you are doing the rest of your gender a favour by setting an example 😊
@@simfimpim - Stoicism is sometimes necessary for everyone, particularly in situations where immediate action is necessary and there isn't time to "process what you're feeling." The easiest example of that are soldiers in combat: ask anyone who's engaged the enemy and they'll tell you that they were terrified the whole time, but they recognized that the best way to survive the engagement is to set that terror aside and focus on winning the fight.
@@Nejim11 why is it offensive to you? cis is not the same thing as straight or hetero. I am cis but I am not straight. cis is the only word that means what it means.
The part that is really surprising to me is that apparently, people don't think about this anyway. I have done so, so have my friends and we have even talked about it with each other, I just assumed that was a "normal" thing people do?
Why would it be?. The # of people who identify as a gender other than the one they are biologically is minuscule by comparison to those that DO identify as the gender they are biologically. I don't even think it's a full 1% of people. When it's that small it can pretty much be ruled out as "normal" to talk about.
@@pustulio81 then again, how many go around feeling uncomfortable in their own skin and the context of the community around them, thinking there's something wrong with themselves just because they don't have any words to express themselves with or anyone to compare similiar experiences with?
@@pustulio81 I have read estimates from 0.1 to 1%. It almost does not matter, though. Even if everyone affected was really outspoken about this - and often enough they are not - the big mayority of people will go trough their lives without knowing a single one of them to a degree that this would be a topic of discussion. There is just nothing to think or talk about.
@@hmpeter you can and probably should still think and talk about things that are not within your daily experience. That's how we become empathetic and understanding of people who maybe don't fit that "statistical norm".
@@SonsOfLorgar If you're uncomfortable in your own skin, or in the community you're around, then you're part of that tiny fraction of people who probably needs to talk to people about it. As for the remaining people, there's no confusion. They're already comfortable with who they are and the community they're in. They don't really have a reason to think about their gender as they already know it fits who they are.
hi ! trans person here!! loved the idea of this video - think something similar to this tag/re-doing it with an actual trans person could really add to the conversation. i think it would add a whole extra level of nuance that i'm not sure can be achieved as a cis person answering these qs! (not a dig, us trans folk just think abt this a lot!!)
I'm agender, and when I play games where I can create my own character, I usually am an alien or other non-human type character, and often leave the question of gender out of my character's identity entirely (and I'm looking back at games I played before I identified as agender). I don't really get how to "be" a woman or a man. I'm afab and am happy to be called female, but I don't feel female. I totally related to your struggle of trying to figure out what defines you as a woman.
I'm Autistic and one of the things I really like about it that people are always a blank slate until they give me information because that way I can learn about them the way they want to...and on the other hand, I never really understood how the expectations of me being a woman looked like (which also came with a huge set of problems but that's not the point here). That's why I find it incredibly interesting to hear about it from a different perspective
About the being genderless when at home thing, I feel like we have our gender all the time but sometimes it just doesn’t matter. Being completely alone for weeks in my apartment, I still innately feel like a woman, I just don’t think about it as much as when I have to present as such to the outside world. Idk, gender is very complicated and personal but also societal....that’s my point of view but I love to hear other people’s
I've been thinking about this recently a lot. I don't feel uncomfortable being referred to as a girl or a she but I don't feel a connection to womanhood. I don't feel like a girl. But then it's like what even does it mean to be a girl? I wouldn't be uncomfortable being referred to as a he or they. I just feel like me, not a girl or boy just me. Idk if anyone else can relate but it's just what I've been feeling recently. I just wish gender was as much a part of your identity as hair colour or height you know?
Does that depend on how much you can let go of society when you are alone? I remember shame when being home alone, but doing things that conflict with the gender norms.
@@starhunter9085 it’s transGENDER, and gender is actually a separate thing from sex. There are lots of UA-cam videos that explain the difference really well, I suggest you take a look at them :) Let me know if you want specific suggestions for videos
@@hannahwitton Well that certainly gives you something to think about!! Although, the only Power Rangers I've seen had Rose McIver as Yellow Ranger and she's great like you (blonde too), so that's a plus. :-)
Thank you for making this video, Hannah. As a transwoman, this sort of video is great for the normalisation of those who may have dissonance with their gender. One thing I want to add is about how you felt hesitant to comment on your body as things you like about being a woman. I think those are fair to say, with the caveat that it doesn't define womanhood, because of the existence of dysphoria in transpeople. For me, I never identified with any of the parts of my body that are considered 'male'. As for female bodies, I often liken it to phantom limbs; It feels as if something should be there on my body but isn't. For me, this is an indication that my gender is separarte to my sex. I wouldn't have these issues if I wasn't trans. So for a cis person to like those things about their body, I feel that's a good point to their conclusion they're cis. That said, not all trans people have dysphoria, so it shouldn't be one's only indication.
‘I wonder if I would dress less feminine/ present my gender differently if I had small boobs’ Oof. This one got me. I have definitely had this thought too.
Oh god, I’m afab and have identified as a girl/woman my entire life, but then a couple of weeks ago i started having this gender crisis, and I’ve not thought that much about it since because I just SPIRAL. I just feel like ultimately gender is not only a social construct but also a patriarchal construct - like if we lived in a vacuum where the patriarchy and gender did not exist, would the concept gender still exist?? Or would we just all be ourselves and express ourselves however we wanted to? At the same time i don’t want to change anything about myself in the way that I express myself at the moment (not even my pronouns? I’m comfortable with she/her), but it just makes me so angry and annoyed to know that no matter what I do, because I express myself femininely, I will always be perceived by others as a woman which means I will be discriminated against because of gender inequality and misogyny. Gender as a whole feels very frustrating to me at the moment and I kind of wish it didn’t exist because then I think mine and everyone’s lives would be a lot easier. But I don’t know, my thoughts on this are still all very messy so other people might not agree with me and that’s completely fine :)
There are matriarchal societies in India where the women run things, and the men are much less dominant, and take more subservient roles, so I think it's wrong to ascribe gender roles as a creation of the patriarchy, even if the roles we see for women (in the west) are largely perpetuated by inertia and the patriarchy
@@hitchikerspie Thank you! I didn't know that but it makes sense, and yeah what I wrote in my comment was more or less my brain vomit and also very western focused because that is what I have experienced. That being said I am aware that this patriarchal construct of gender is very much a colonial feature as well - I remember reading somewhere that societies in some African countries looked very different to what they are like now in terms of gender and sexuality before they were colonised by European countries. I definitely need to and really want to do more reading on this, one book i've heard about (which is where i heard about the African countries thing) is The Invention of Women by Oyeronke Oyewumi
@@sofiaolendraru4901 Nah it's cool, we all enjoy a good word vomit to get things off our chest every now and then. I've seen a couple recommendations for that book and it sounds like a great read, I hope you enjoy it :D
This was super interesting. I identify as a cis "mostly-woman" because I love being a woman but I would also say I'm slightly fluid - at one point I threw around the possibility or using ze/zir pronouns and I don't feel *super* uncomfortable if I get misgendered (i used to rock a pixie cut and am quite flat chested). Definitely going to dive into this more!
I am SO HERE for cis people examining and talking about their gender! This was a brilliant video and your answers were really interesting. Have you read 'The Mental Load'? It's a feminist comic which, as well as other things, talks about the often taken-for-granted labour that cis women dating cis men end up doing - organising diaries, knowing what chores need to be done around the flat, etc. I found it interesting that you find yourself doing those things because you're better at them but expect Dan to do more of the manual things around the flat - have you ever sat down together to discuss how you divide this labour up, and if/why it works for you to do it this way? Your thoughts on make-up and the ways you're expected to perform your gender were fascinating - personally I've only started wearing lipstick since stepping into my transness, because I could explore it for myself without the pressure of having to be 'good' at it because I was a woman. There is so much bullshit around women being seen as "unprofessional" if they're not wearing make-up. I would definitely love you to talk more about your thoughts on make-up and gender if you did decide to experiment with not wearing it when you feel you are "supposed" to but only when you want to! I did find it interesting that you started with a definition of gender that didn't mention non-binary people at all - I understand that you were probably looking for an 'official' definition, but it felt like a very 'cis' definition! I do love your visualising of gender as space though - in that analogy I'm definitely out among the stars, making myself a part of the cosmos while I explore it.
yes I have read that comic and I showed it to Dan and actually when I felt like I was doing too much of the "mental" I made him sit down with me and we read it again together. We've had lots of chats about how we divide up household labour and I think we're at a much better place now i.e. we now have our areas of responsbility instead of every single thing being 50/50. I have done a video about makeup (I think on my More Hannah channel??) I can't remember how much I go into about gender in it but probably a bit as it's so tied into how I feel about makeup! That's really interesting you've started using lipstick now, I've heard from other AFAB trans people that once they realised they were trans/came out/started presenting the way they wanted wearing makeup was something that they felt they could do more of, like you said, without the gender expectations! and yeah the WHO definition is still very binary, it worked because I was talking about cisness in this video but yeah I was surprised there was no mention of non-binary in there and I don't know why I didn't voice that outloud in this video! would love to know if you know of any "official" definitions of gender that do include non-binary! I hope you're having fun among the stars!!! I think I'm floating in Venus' atmosphere 🎉
I am 60 years old. My identity is Woman not Cis Woman. I was called a Tom Boy as a child. I was a girl. I enjoyed playing with boys and girls, boys toys and girls toys. I was me and I never cared what others thought. I have never worn dresses, skirts, high heels or long hair. I have never worn makeup (read the ingredients It poisons your skin). I do not need makeup. I look good without makeup because my skin is not being poisoned. I have never felt pressured by others to wear makeup and have never followed trends or fashions. I have never connected with my peers. I am a Woman. I am me. I am Autistic. I am me and have always been me and have never followed the crowd. Womanhood is being born biologically female with breasts, uterus, hormones, periods and the possibility of giving birth. None of which biological males naturally experience. Just enjoy life. Be yourself. However, do not expect others to change themselves in order for you to be yourself. I am a Woman not a Cis Woman.
You picked the Power Ranger idea right out of my brain! There are so many moments from when I was a young girl that i think back to, and am unsure if they were early expressions of my feelings towards my gender identity, or if they stemmed from the “I’m not like other girls” mentality.
A really interesting follow up to this vid would be your thoughts on gender and bringing up children, and how you and Dan want to approach it as parents in the future. Like how can we bring up children in the future to think about this, and to allow them to explore it and feel comfortable with it.
Ok this has to be one of my favorite videos of yours. You've just re-awoken a part of me, the critical thinking, analyzing part of me that I miss since finishing university. One of the aspects I loved so much about being in university was that these types of discussions where you fall down analytical rabbit holes would be so common. You could be in line for coffee and having a conversation of this type and level with someone. When I finished university I found it difficult to have these types of discussions with anyone I was interacting with; it felt like everything became very superficial and just a collection of routines and pleasantries. It's like the intellectual part of myself has been starving for stimulus. The best way I can normally put it into words is that my brain is bored.
Idk, for me I've always been fine being misgendered when I'd dress a certain way or type in a chat and people would assume my gender (have done many different ways) and I just never cared? I care more that other people care so much when they know my sex/ determine that I "fit" into whichever identification they think I am and get upset when I don't care or when, say, I don't dress to fit into that identification. For the most part, I think I do come across a cis to most people and I'll use those pronouns sometimes. Personally though? I just feel like a person...not trying to say that gender isn't important! Just that in my own self-understanding, it's almost completely irrelevant. Great video topic, Hannah!
as a trans person, this video was very fun and refreshing ! it can often feel like cis people have a tendancy to not understand or even think about gender in as nuanced a way as most trans people so to see a cis person taking the time to go through these questions and really Think about these things was very wonderful to see
Abso-frickin'-lutely. It goes deeper than just gender. Question everything about yourself. I wouldn't have found my true self until I started really questioning things I never thought I had to question before.
I was cis until I realised I think about myself neutrally. I think gender discussion should be brought up at school to help everyone cis and trans together.
The only time I thought about it at school was when people would judge me, we had to get into groups based on gender, or one time when someone was talking about binary gender roles and my partner and I looked at each other and were like, "we don't fit these, but we fit the roles together," and I remember that clearly as being a big moment in the early part of our relationship. The school I went to had unisex uniforms, but girls were allowed to wear skirts if they wanted, so it was nice to dress in a neutral way, as I don't really have a connection to any gender.
The sunflower picture totally resonated with me! Love it :) Also I loved the video. I had a Uni class about sexual orientation and gender (in the context of psychotherapy) where we also explored our gender. That was so interesting, because I (identifying as a cis woman) had never really thought about it before, or at least not that closely. Totally agree that everyone should reflect on it. One question I particularly liked was „When was the first time you remember identifying as/feeling like xyz“.
the stuff about being "genderless" at home really makes me think about my friends who went through changes on their gender identities in the middle of the pandemic, being mostly... at home 🧐 maybe being alone with thoughts and away from socialization helped realize some things!
Oh this video is making me think so much, it's wonderful!! This is a really interesting topic, especially as a cis woman, I have never questioned my gender or analysed why I am a woman. Great video ❤️
With makeup, I realized in college that certain female friends wore makeup every day, and then it felt quite jarring when I'd see them without it, because I wasn't used to their faces as they naturally were because I never saw them that way. But being in theatre and acting classes where people are often encouraged to come to class as naturally as possible, I rarely wore makeup so people were just used to my face? I don't know if I had a particular point about that, but it's something that's always got me thinking about its implications.
Yesss thank you for saying talking about feeling genderless during lockdown. I'm a trans man and I'm honestly glad I'm not alone in the because I low-key had a few moments where was like "am i even a man, wtf?" but then I put on regular clothes and I was like, "oh yeah it's just because I haven't been in social situations lately." Basically my gender had become basketball shorts and hoodie. I've been trying to put on clothes that feel more gender euphoric to me, rather than just physically comfortable, because that has been a major missing part of my gender experience lately. It's also super wild, because I've now spent about a third of my medical transition in quarantine, and I increased my HRT dose in the meantime, so I've been experiencing changes that most people probably aren't picking up on over zoom, etc. I'm still not sure how I feel about that whole bit.
I love this! Cis people can also experience gender euphoria! Gender euphoria was the biggest thing that confirmed my transness for me, and I love that more cis people are starting to examine their own genders too! Gender is so complex and fascinating and it’s a really intimate thing to explore about yourself
I was literally sent home from a job because I looked ill (I just wasn’t wearing makeup). I tried to explain this but in the end just went home 😂 I’m often told I look tired or ill without it and it makes me upset lol
Can't you insist that you're not ill and stay anyway? Unless you were happy getting the day off. Whatever the case, it really sucks that they treated you that way.
@@lwaves hahaha I did I was like I’m fine, I just have no makeup on. This is what I really look like but I think they just thought I was trying to hide my Mental Health or something
Ugh yeah, a good part of why I wear make-up is because I'm naturally very pale and also chronically ill, and if I ever didn't wear make-up to school or university I'd constantly get asked if I was ill 😩
Fun tip from a demigirl: we are often annoyed when people say that "everybody does/feels xyz" but maybe also consider that if you relate to non-cis, non-binary experiences, that might also mean that you're not a cis or binary as you thought.
Thank you so much for this! 😍 I love these questions and your thoughtful approach to them. I’ve experienced so many of the dilemmas you described, and I love the part where you explain that it’s not behavioural or physical characteristics that have been ascribed to womanhood that make you a woman, but a feeling of connection to womanhood in language and art. It was important for me personally to realise that pretty much nothing is innate to any particular gender identity, and that feelings of either connection or aversion to certain words are pretty informative of identity.
the way you explained how you feel about being referred to as a woman (gender euphoria?) is exactly how i feel about my name. when people use it im like !! yes thats me! you know who i am!
I love this so much that I shared it on my Tumblr blog! As a deminonbinary woman, I really loved hearing your takes on gender, and it helped me think about my own gender more. Thank you for creating this!
I like to think about the things that no one ever questions (like how we are expected to get married and have babies for example) But I’ve never thought about this.
" we are expected to get married and have babies for example" Is that a present norm in your society? Where do you live? I have actively decided to never have kids and haven't gotten any pushback so far.
@@deamon6681 It might also be more of a family expectations kind of thing. I don’t think that I will face major criticism from (German) society in general for not wanting to give birth or get married (to a man anyways, but that’s something else). But I still feel my parents’ and grandparents‘ expectations a lot.
I feel that alot in the US, especially from family and some friends. It took many years for my mom to stop just assuming she'd have grandchildren at some point, and possibly she still does assume that she just doesn't voice it anymore. I feel from the society point of view alot of the pressure is from religion and its impact on the people around me. I'm from the southern US so its Christian heavy and the idea of marriage before sex/children (since I was raised as sex=children) is very engrained.
One of the reasons that I did end up coming out as non-binary was what you were saying about belonging and relatability earlier… I just don’t feel that I belong and don’t feel that I relate and that’s been the same at every age I’ve ever been. There’s a really high rate of intersection between autism and specifically non-binary gender identity for exactly this reason… that really does nail it.
Thank you for making this video and talking about these questions, it was such an interesting and fun exercise to do! I definitely didn't discover anything new about me, but it was cool to think about something I never really thought about, especially in relation to society's views and expectations. I highly recommend it for anyone that wants to try it
Loved this video! I am a cis woman and one of my queer friends once asked me what I like about being a woman and why I identify as a woman. It made me realize how much of my gender is socially constructed and yet how meaningful it still was to me. I also think this is such a great exercise in empathy for cis people to begin to understand how much thought trans people put into gender when cis people hardly ever think about it.
As a non-binary person, I don't think you should feel that you can't feel good about your physiology as part of your experience of your gender. Many trans people (especially binary trans people) feel like this too, which is part of why things such as hormones and surgery is so important for many of us. As long as you're respectful of the fact that women look different, it's perfectly fine to think of your body as part of your personal gender experience. Anyway, this was a lot of fun to watch. :)
Examining gender through the lens of tokusatsu heroes, this is definitely a video for me! You're right, the yellow Power Ranger didn't have a skirt. The character in the Japanese source footage was actually a man but the producers decided the American version needed more balance. The currently airing season has a female Green Ranger who was male in the Japanese version, for her they specifically filmed footage of her suit including a skirt when she first morphed and her ripping it off because it wasn't her thing. She's also the first canonically LGBTQIA+ Power Ranger.
On the topic of making snap judgements about people that are later shown to be wrong, I remember reading somewhere that your initial reaction to something is what you have been taught to feel/think, and your subsequent thoughts/reactions actually define you as a person. For example, seeing a scantily dressed girl and immediately thinking 'she looks a bit slutty', but then immediately catching yourself and being like 'no, actually, she has great legs, and she looks awesome in that dress' doesn't automatically make you sexist - your first thought was just what society has drummed into us for years and it takes time to unlearn that way of thinking
This video is gold! As an Enby this video is such a good one for Cis people to get into. Also GENDER AS A CONCEPT IS SPACE and I'm a sunflower, is amazing, I love it. Basically, thank-you, and when I come out to my family I will be showing them this video to help them.
Its interesting what you said about makeup- I never wear it for everyday use and constantly get told "you're so brave" - I don't feel brave for going bare faced
I loved the point you made about make-up. I don't like that the fact that some amount of make-up as the baseline for women, and that its almost required in some situations if you want to be considered as professional or appropriate by some. I personally don't like to wear make-up, I don't feel like myself when I do so for me it is something I do only for other people because I feel that expectation. But without it I feel the pressure that I don't look my age (I look much younger, which in some cases can be a negative), and I don't look feminine enough. A very interesting video, I love all your content because it is thought provoking!
I'm a cis-bi-pol, love the new all in one terminology! I've never heard it expressed like that. I am pregnant mama with two toddlers already and I'm only in a relationship with their dad right now but, I'm still bi and poly. Thanks for letting me share.
Cis man here. I was immediately devastated by the first question. It's hard to identify what I like about being a "man"; it was always sort of there, and I've always had a hard time fitting in with "regular dudes". In my thirties, I wish I could have more meaningful conversations with my friends. This examination was useful in that I identify these troubles more with societal expectations than what I feel my gender is. This is sort of rambling, which I also took comfort in you doing in the video. A great food for thought piece.
Omg, this is great, it's kind of nice to see an in depth perspective of a cis person. It also kind of made me feel that I should have realised my ftm transness earlier, I had a lot of the opposite experiences to you and my answers would be super different.
I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot for the past year, and this is a really fantastic set of questions! It’s really interesting to see your perspective on this!
Literally yesterday I had a conversation about gender, someone asked me how do you define a woman and I had such a hard time with defining it without being transexclusionary and misoginistic. I concluded that what being a woman means is define by each individual woman and is influenced by cultural, social, family and emotional context.
Great video Hannah! Very interesting topic and questions. I am a cis-woman and I definitely related with the big boobs thing. I don't have any body dysphoria but on many days I like wearing more "masculine" clothes or present in a "masculine" way, and I honestly wish I had a smaller/flat chest and have even considered getting a binder (I haven't though cause I feel weird about it.. like that isn't something I am allowed to have) because I don't like how big my chest looks in certain clothes/it doesn't look like me or how I wanna look. Or I avoid certain clothes cause I don't like how my chest looks in them. But some days I also like wearing more "feminine" clothes that show my cleavage or are tight-fitting on my chest. I don't know if it is gender-related or just a confidence thing or not being able to find the right style of clothes for me. But honestly, I don't know... gender is dead as they say nowadays.
I find the concept of "am I my gender (or even gender identity) when at home" very interesting and not one I had thought of. As someone who seems to fall in the non-binary camp (which is a very confusing place to be for me) I find amongst many other things, I have to "put on" my outward presentation of male to fit in (or to not stand out). and this doesn't just include clothes (which are male-ish) but also how I walk and how I speak. My male persona feels like a coat that I have to put on in order to interact with the world. It's tiring. That rambled. Interesting talking point though.
I think it's interesting how language relates to gender identity. English being my second language, I found it hard to identify with a label or pronouns. To make things more interesting, my native language has only one third-person pronoun (which is gender neutral.)
I saw this video on my side bar. The title caught me and drew me in. Holy cow! So refreshing, fun, interesting and honest. Love your sense of humor. Your total presentation on this video is so wonderful. I just had to sub.
I love this video. I’ve struggled a lot trying to define my gender. For me being sexually abused from a young age really caused me to not want to be seen as “female” as I equated it with being weak. As I’ve become older though I consider myself a women who is lesbian, despite never wanting to wear makeup or wear a dress. As I think others can relate my experiences from a young age really messed up my sense of self and instilled fears around feeling like a women and what that means. Even my sexuality I’ve felt like I was lesbian (I prefer the term gay) since I was a younger teen but I’ve struggled for years (in therapy) trying to figure out if it’s bc of my past that I’m only comfortable with women. I do only feel sexually attracted to women and don’t feel anything at all towards men (except sometimes fear). I have accepted that I am gay, it’s where I feel I belong even if I will never figure out if I was made to be that way. I will never know.
Being the household manager is my biggest stress as a woman!! Honestly relate to this so much, I am good at it and it just naturally falls to me. It’s effort to have to tell my boyfriend to think for us when it comes to certain things - that is just twice the effort. Always in turmoil about this, I have found that putting in place routines helps as you can both be accountable xx
I really, loved and agreed on number of the things you said. When it got to the last questions on visualising gender, I feel like the universe description works, however, I was thinking on it more afterwards and also thought of another one. What if gender is like water, it is fluent and free-flowing, constantly changing shape, is kinda everywhere, it takes different forms, but it is also heavily manipulated by society.
you said you hoped for cis men to answer to those questions, here I am! -WHAT DO I ENJOY ABOUT BEING MY GENDER? Nothing, not that I hate it, it's just that I find it impossible to associate something with manhood instead of associating it with just me or humanhood in general -WHY DO I IDENTIFY WITH MY GENDER? Words are weird, they aren't completely fuzzy otherwise language wouldn't work but also they aren't perfectly specific, so basically I feel like I identify as my gender cause it can help people understand things about me, in particular how society treats me -WHAT GENDERED EXPECTATIONS DO I PUT ON MYSELF? DO I ENJOY THOSE EXPECTATIONS? WHY OR WHY NOT? I think I don't put expectations on myself, in general I always want to understand me regardless of any affiliation to any group, so Idk, I don't think I should act any differently than any other human, or put make-up, or don't put make-up, or dress a certain way, the way I behave is a result of what I think is just and fair and my own lazyness (no but really, how in hell do people find the motivation to put make-up on?) -WHAT GENDERED EXPECTATIONS DO I PUT ON OTHERS? WHY? I really hope I don't, but one thing has been on my mind for a while, if I'm talking with just one person I find it a bit easier to talk with women, I don't know if it's me or if men are pressured into not opening up as much and so I find it more difficult to approach them -HOW DO SOCIETAL PRESSURES AFFECT MY GENDER PRESENTATION? In general, since a very young age, I understood one thing "if I don't conform, if I keep doing my thing and behave like I feel is right for me, people that don't accept me will leave me alone and people that do will be more easily attracted to me, if I lie, I present myself in a different way than who I am, the opposite will happen", maybe I was lucky but in general it worked, so I present how I want to, one thing that I'm not doing but I think I'll try once I'll live on my own is nail polish, dark green nail polish, I bet I'd look pretty nice with it -IN WHAT WAYS COULD I BETTER FEED MY GENDER? WHAT SMALL THINGS COULD I DO IN ORDER TO MAKE IT HAPPY? Idk, I'm happy knowing who I am and the fact that I'm always ready to listen to myself and understand more, a bit like I do with everything, so it seems a bit silly to focus on my gender rather than focusing on my general identity -HOW DO I VISUALIZE GENDER AS A CONCEPT? WHAT DOES MY GENDER, IN SPECIFIC, LOOK LIKE? You know how whenever you go to wikipedia or you read an article you can find some clear numbers, like the Sun is X amount of kilometers away from us, but in reality every scientist would add error bars, there's always uncertainty and you can only decrease it but not remove it, everything is like that, there is no concept that is certain (ok, I think therefore I am, that one is certain, but I will not make the same mistake as decartes and go full religious from that), when it comes to social sciences it's even harder cause it's not a number followed by an error bar but a concept that every human that has ever lived or will live has in their mind, but everyone has a slightly different version that can also change with time, so in short the "best" way I can identify something like "man" would be to average out what everybody thinks "man" is and keep in mind that every human I use for the average adds some error to the error bar (and also I guess the graph it's in more dimensions, it's a mess, thinking about splashing colors on a canvas and saying "man is roughly where red is cause everyone agrees man is red but no one agrees on which parts of the canvas are to be considered red" is a better metaphor maybe) so Idk and I don't care I guess, damn I sound so annoying in these responses
"If a gender presents in a forest and no-one is around does it present at all?" My friend part way through the video.... haha
haha same.
*Tranzjenderizm isn't an actual thing since nobody can actually change their sex.*
They should read George Berkeley
OK so we got a thing called a phone. Then we got a thing called the internet. Then at last we got social media.
To paraphrase Contrapoints, I don't know what it is to feel like a man, or a woman. I just feel like s***.
And the flip side to this is what Abigail said: people ask me whether i feel like a man or a woman and the answer is I feel happy
Couldn't help but read that in her voice ❤️
My people! Hello and have a great day
I identify as Contrapoints.
It's really weird being gay because so much of society's portrayal of a man is in contrast or opposition to a woman. It's hard to see myself in media and use that as a cue for my gender because so much of mainstream media doesn't really portray the sort of gay man that I am.
Do you mind saying more about this? What do you feel is missing in portrayals of men, gay or otherwise?
@@haftrox1 Not the original commenter but I feel similarly (also gay). For example, Hannah was talking about how she always identified with song lyrics referring to girls. Let's take Perfect by Ed Sheeran. "Baby, I'm dancing in the dark
//With you between my arms." As a gay girl, I'd be looking at that and thinking of myself as the singer talking to the girl in my arms, if that makes sense? But then I'm identifying with the male voice in the song. And I can't resonate with the majority of female singers (let's take Taylor Swift's Blank Space "You're the King, baby, I'm your Queen
". I can't see myself as the singer here, because my partner wouldn't be a "King." This applies to media outside of songs too. Did that help?
@@hopeparis5796 Yes it does. It's funny because as someone who has toyed with the aro/ace identity, I've never identified with or seen myself in those kinds of song lyrics either. I can totally imagine the frustration when looking for something to resonate with but the only thing available is heteronormative.
*Tranzjenderizm isn't an actual thing since nobody can actually change their sex.*
"Things like remembering family members' birthdays and making sure cards are sent..."
This is a hugely under-appreciated talent/chore within households/relationships/groups, well done to anyone who is this person, you are awesome.
🙌🏼🎉
in sociology we called this emotional labour !!
You know, I hated cards (long story) and I am 58. Yes, I sent them because "society" dictates you do so. Anyway, always sent the appropriate cards and left it at that, never giving it a second thought. Until.... my father passed last july and those cards mean so much to me. So I am glad I always sent those cards, even though my heart wasn't in it at the time, they didn't know it and it did mean a lot to them.
Thank you 😭❤️ I feel appreciated lol
In a speech transcript I read about the parallels of this in the workplace, it's called being the glue
I am a woman who never wears makeup and I disagree with the "when women don't wear makeup, they're asked if they're ill or tired" because I never get that. I think it's more that when you change your default, people will comment. And probably because we're more conditioned to focus on women's looks, we are more likely to comment when women do it. An eye infection forced me to wear my glasses to work and even before arriving I was dreading that the whole day I'd be subjected to the "you got glasses?! Wow you look so x!!" comments. Days like that are when you want to tape a card to your forehead- "yes, I do have glasses. Let's move on."
Since I don’t wear makeup my bare face is my default face and I don’t get comments about being tired. But for my friends who usually wear makeup, they do get told they look ill or tired without it since their made up face is the default face people have seen.
When I started my current job I changed how i dressed/presented myself on a daily basis because how masc/femme I feel varies drastically, but eventually I forced myself to look the same every day due to all the comments about it and wishing I could broadcast "yes I was in a dress yesterday and today I look like I work in an auto shop, I'm not "finding myself" I'm just dressing how I feel!!!". Someday I hope people can judge less about how people present themselves on any given day compared to the previous one.
The same thing happens to men.
I've never once worn makeup, and nobody has ever commented on it. My brother wore glasses for some time, and when he stopped using them it just looked so odd to look at him because I was so used to what he looked like WITH glasses, so I don't think this is necessarily about being conditioned to notice women's looks. Although I don't know, I guess it could be.
@@shamidkpzdYesss this is how I feel 😅
Early thoughts, but everything you love about being a woman is sort of everything I hate about being a man.
I find myself feeling very mixed hearing women describe their experiences. I'm happy for them, but I feel a lot of... I guess it's envy? That it's not something i get to experience without stigma. That closeness of friendship, the idea of being the follower in a dance, feeling like i'm allowed to express myself in more varied way. I haven't been able to properly cry since i was a teenager.
I think i need to examine some of this shit more haha.
Sending hugs. And wishing you the best on this exploration. Wherever you land, if you're closer to yourself, it'll come with all sorts of happiness that I wish upon everyone.
Remember, crying is just one of the many natural ways we humans deal with overwhelming emotions of every kind.
this is why breaking down gender norms (and “smashing the patriarchy”, if you will) is helpful for *all* people. because, you’re right, those things you mentioned shouldn’t be stigmatized bc of someone’s gender.
Sending some hugs your way mate.
Know you are not alone though, I'm pretty much in the same boat. Though the past few years have been trying to throw off and ignore "the norms" and go out and try doing things I now love. Still a lot of anxiety, and bigotry I witness. Just for dancing I get comments about wanting to hang around little girls off grown men and women. Thankfully the dance community has no such bias and agenda.
I feel the same way, I like my body but that's sex not gender and like how men seem to want to solve problems rather than just speak about it and empathise about it.
but I actually hate masculinity nowadays which seems rooted in sexism, oversexualisation, conservatism, machoism, lack of human contact... I just feel like the idea of manhood is so much more restrictive than womanhood. The only other things I like about being the man is the opportunities imposed by the patriarchy though I wish those weren't linked to my gender.
I'm actually glad I never started wearing make-up regularly as I feel like that's kind of saved myself from that expectation. I remember as a teenager people saying things to me like 'oh you haven't got into make-up yet' as though I inevitably would. But I've always saved it as something just for fun or for special occasions. Which I think means people do see my no make-up face as my default face because that's how I look 99% of the time.
Good for you!
I’m very much into makeup but it’s always been an expression of my creativity. If I feel like putting on makeup, it’s bold, dramatic, colourful and very present. If I don’t, my face is bare. I’ve always felt like it should always be treated as an accessory instead of a necessity. But capitalism strikes again. 🤷🏾♀️
Absolute same. It's such an unnecessary chore and expense imo and I think I look great without it! The handful of times I've worn makeup I do think I looked even more beautiful but I don't think I need it. The key is not setting the expectation among people you know because they will think you look absolutely fine and normal without it. And I think the feeling Hannah mentioned of society's expectation that we should have a base layer of makeup at all times is a projection of the insecurities of people who have been made to feel that they don't look good enough without it.
I don't even own any. My wedding, on stage and one year living in the UK are the times I wear make up
Same thing as you, I never wear make-up, only on special occasions when I want to feel extra fancy (maximum 5 times a year I would say), and I'm so glad for it. I don't look "tired" or "weird" when not wearing any make up, as some women do, and it is liberating ! But also i'm French and we do tend as wearing less make up than other countries, so it might have helped
Trans girl here :-) Awesome video! I feel like a lot of those moments of confusion throughout are a direct result of the WHOs definition of gender. I wouldn't say that it's necessarily a bad definition, but I would argue that it is incomplete. While it is true that gender can be thought of as a social construct, and it is generally more useful in more circumstances to think of it that way than to imagine it as a biological imperative, it is not entirely divorced from our biology, depending on what aspect of gender you're examining. A better way to think of gender is as an umbrella term or a category with subcategories including things like identity, expression, roles, etc. When examining some aspects, such as reproductive roles, biology is going to have a much bigger influence than if you're talking about what kinds of clothes are traditional for men or women, for example. Since terms like 'sex' and 'gender' can be broken down further, and terms like 'feminine' and 'masculine' are really built up of large numbers of trends, as opposed to being rigid, monolithic categories, it gets really complicated! I cannot possibly do the subject justice (and probably oversimplified things here), but I highly recommend Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl" if you want to learn a more nuanced take on gender that might clear up some of the confusion you seemed to have when your self discovery seemed at odds with the idea that gender is wholly socially constructed. I should caveat that Serano's book is not strictly about gender: It is really intended as more of a book about feminism, and properly defining gender in all of its forms is simply a first step to making those points.
This is helpful to think about, thank you!
hannah: my gender is yellow
non-binary people: 👁👄👁
why? :)
@@pumpkingrantaire3861 yellow is the colour most commonly associated with non-binary people.
*There is no such thing as "cis", there are just male and female.*
Blatantly untrue… as long as gender assignment incurs societal expectations, there will be people whose identity “matches” what they were assigned and people whose identity doesn’t.
I understand that this may have been intended as encouragement, but it ultimately comes off as invalidating. Trans people exist. Get over it.
@@sillygoosegoose that is what i was told "if men are red and women blue I'd be yellow"
Once I really internalized that gender was socially constructed, I became so much happier. I was able to give myself permission to just be me.
🙌🏼
@@DanFrederiksen tf?
@@DanFrederiksen gender is a social construct, sex is not bc it’s determined by chromosomes
@King Slayer it literally is a social construct, it's defined that way by every academic article, journal or health organisation on the planet. Just because you're only learning this recently does not make it 'woke bullshit', it's okay to learn new things my dude. Also cis is the latin prefix for 'same as' while trans is the latin prefix for 'different', which is why non-trans people are cis-gendered.
*Tranzjenderizm isn't an actual thing since nobody can actually change their sex.*
I used to identify as trans and now I identify as cis. I feel that having explored my gender has really benefitted me as a person - to be more compassionate towards others and to understand different parts of myself!
Same. I used to think that just because I didn't fit the female stereotype, that meant I was a boy. I personally don't feel a strong connection to gender as a concept, but it's important to see how things shape and affect who you are.
Same! Nice to know there are other cis girls who also thought they were trans!
Question: do you feel happy as a girl or do you sometimes wise you were actually a boy/not a girl? Sorry if this sounds weird, you don’t have to respond of course. I just recently came to the conclusion that I am a cis girl and I’m still a little pained by it. Wanna know if other people can relate.
speaking as a trans person, the way you discuss this with such nuance and inclusion while also being so self-reflective and personal is so wonderful and refreshing! i wish more cis people took the time to reflect on their genders with depth and care, and threads (and videos) like this are such a rad thing! thank you for this
A lot do but to be honest we get attacked as much as anyone else and that’s not even the whole story. Honestly I miss the days when we could just love each other regardless of what we are.
For the "feeding my gender" question, I think about the "not like other girls" trope which I was drawn to as a teen/younger adult. So I still make a conscious effort to do "girly" things like watching the To All the Boys trilogy or shopping for "impractical" things that bring me joy and are cute. But it will be fun to go back to ordering craft beers at bars/restaurants when my husband orders a fruity cocktail.
ooh I love that yess!! Thinking about it in that way I think feeding my gender would definitely include not feeling guitly about things I would previously have called "guilty pleasures" (perhaps because they were seen as very feminine)
That day in a German airport when a waitress (it was a woman) served my ex bf the beer and I got the "hugo" cocktail and, looking at her, I swapped the drinks - because _why?_
@@blancabt They deliver it to the wrong person almost every time! Same with wine. I like dry, earthy reds and my husband prefers sweet, fruity wines. They never deliver it to the right person.
this was such an interesting video! as someone who has recently come to terms with their transmasc identity i found it strangely affirming to listen to you explain how and why you identify as a woman and be like "nope, not me" hahaha
ha love that!
@@hannahwitton Whereas I, on the other hand was like "see ! cis women and trans women DO have loads of experiences in common !"
Saaaaame
I'm wondering if more people are questioning their gender during the pandemic due to the lesser need to present to other people. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned being genderless at home. I present in quite a feminine way normally, but when I'm at home I care more about comfort and accessibility, which I think has an impact on how I view myself. As shallow as it may seem , I feel like much more of a woman when I wear a long skirt and a face of make up than I do when I am at home in leggings and a baggy t-shirt, where I feel almost genderless. I also feel like more of a woman when I'm in a nurturing position for others eg teaching or childcare, than when I am alone and just caring for myself. I'd never really thought of it in this way before but it's a really interesting insight into gender fluidity and, as you said, I think it is important for those who identify as cis just because it is the 'default' to explore it if they can!
Current-day gender ideology is contradictory and confusing, when it is actually quite simple. If you're female you're a woman. If you're male, you're a man. Wearing sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt doesn't make you less of a woman than when you're wearing a dress and heels. A man who wears a dress doesn't suddenly become a woman. He is a man who chooses to wear a dress and that's fine.
Probably not as your gender isnt societally dictated. It's rooted in biology
@@simfimpim well they become those things socially. But ya their gender doesn't change only what they identify with changes thus their social interaction may be that of a woman
I Never question my identity. I only find you guy so annoying trying to force pronouns. Just mind your own business and let people live. How hard is that. Too hard for your toxic group.
The idea of being genderless at home makes TOTAL sense.
There's probably a lot of things that don't apply when we're alone, if we thought about it enough. Our names for one thing. That's used to identify us to others, or for others to communicate with us. On our own, we are just us - me, myself and I. This could get really deep. :-)
i began considering being non-binary because although i feel mostly comfortable with being referred to as a woman etc, when i need to ask myself, at any time, what do i feel like..? i always struggle and think..well..me.
@@thenerrdpit7441 We have different ways of getting there but we seem to arrive at the same conclusion. If you put everything else aside, all the labels, descriptions and so on, at the end of it all I arrive at me. I am me. :-)
Yesss! At home, free to be as we are. Not looked at as what society expects us but as an unique individual.
I feel people see what it is stereotypically expected first than the real person in flesh and bones just in front of them.
Living alone gave me time to think about it, really interesting and challenging 🤗
@@thenerrdpit7441 Oh my god, same. Somebody put it into words.
My least favourite part of being the "household manager" is than when I ask my husband to do somehing (take out the trash, go to the baker's) it feels like I'm bossing him around, yet the only reason I ask him is because I remember it needs to happen and he doesn't. If I didn't ask him, we would be stuck with our trashbag for another week, or without bread.
THIS.
100%
I can completely relate to this! And I think it‘s because it is still socially expected for the woman to organize the household so the men don‘t feel the need to think about what needs to be done - they want to help and will do it without question but it is still always seen just as „help“ and not their responsability to think about what needs to be done and organize it!
@@Elliceinwonderland you are so right with this
There's a cartoon that talks about exactly this that I think all men should see. I'm not sure if this link will work english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
If not just google "mental load emma" and show it to your husband. It was a huge eye opener for me when I first saw it and made me realise that my view of myself as a 'really good husband' was a little short-sighted.
absolutely agree w your points about a woman’s “default face” I used to be SO annoyed by that in college. like when people would ask me if I didn’t sleep well/if I was sick when I didn’t wear my usual tinted-moisturizer-blush-highlight-mascara regimen that made me look so dewy and fresh all the time. and yet no one bats an eye when guys walk around w crusty unmoisturized skin, eye bags or uneven skin tone 😩 (like I am such a ho for skincare my skin could be spotless and totally moisturized and yet I would still look “sick” - I guess bc my eyes look small without mascara?? idk it was bs)
I had a revelation when I decided to stop wearing makeup to my corporate office job and found out everyone treated me the same bc we were all adults just there to do finance research and no one cared if my eyelashes were perfectly curled and fanned out. it was so liberating. and maybe all those years in college it wasn’t really that ppl judged me it’s just that I took a few of those comments to heart when I shouldn’t have. and maybe if I didn’t always wear makeup ppl would’ve associated my no-makeup face as my normal....
all that being said, I do still feel more “put together” with makeup on, even just my daily “natural” makeup look. but you’re right, that’s all probably bc of socialized pressure to be pretty as often as possible.... and now after spending a year not wearing makeup in quarantine, I think it’s further engrained in my head that wearing makeup = when I have my shit together bc this whole past year I have not had my shit together.... so now that’s associated w the no makeup and sweatpants regimen 😅
didn’t mean to write an essay in a comment oops lol leave a like if this was relatable 🥴
100% agree! I believe it's all about what ppl are used to seeing. Like how people who always wear glasses look weird if you see them without glasses for the first time (and the other way around). Same goes for braces.
Thats why I try to make a point to switch up my look frequently if I'm entering a new space so the people will get to know me in various styles and get used to all versions of me.
So interesting, because I've never been into make up and would never want to wear it regularly, but having skipped over it I now don't have the skills/equipment to make that an option for myself! I'd love to be able to make my face up on occasion, but without the passion to put in the time to learning I remain unable to.
I am a man and can assure you that your makeup or lack of or wearing a prom dress or jeans and a t shirt are all fine. I dont care if people come to work to do a good job and be reasonable. I am way older now and used to look at the cute 25 year old girls all dressed up for each other. I am way past that. I have a daughter older than that. Women.. wear what your comfy in.. dress and heels or jeans and sneakers. You will be judged by what kind of person you are.. and not more. At least by me
haven't finished the video yet but wanted to quickly address the terminology with gender: Personally I find it very useful to make a distinction between gender identity and gender expression. Like the WHO puts it, your gender identity is your deeply felt experience of gender, while your gender expression is how the identity interacts with the world and either complies or defies societal expectations.
to give some examples: My gender identity is female, my gender expression is feminine. Someone else could also identify as a woman but have a butchy/masc-leaning, or even neutral gender expression.
This is particularly noticeable with Non-binary people: as they naturally have a non-binary gender identity, but all sorts of gender expressions: from masculine, to feminine, to androgynous or even a varying one depending on the situation.
hope this clears it up! I think having nunced distinctions is very useful even if they can be abstracted to just "gender". Imo cis people are the ones who need to step up their language, not the other way around 😝
Lockdown and being alone with my thoughts was strangely liberating for me, which I realise is an immense privilege. It enabled me to put my life into perspective and my relationship to me gender. I define myself as queer, both for my gender and sexuality. I will use 'she' because I very, very, very strongly relate to sisterhood, defend sisterhood and womanhood. However, my relationship with my own gender is a bit more complicated than that. Specially due to my sexuality which partially subtracts myself from the male gaze and therefore what 'woman' means in our patriarcal society. So... I am young, so I guess I'll see how this all develops!
that's awesome for sure
I think the point you make about being genderless when you're not around others is really interesting. Labels, as a concept, only really exist for others. They are a way for us to relate to others, to communicate a certain facet of ones sense of self, to find community in people who are similar. But when we're alone, we don't need those things. We don't need to find a way to describe ourselves, because we know ourselves, and that knowing is enough. Without labels, we have to take each other at face value - you just are you. It's interesting to think about.
As a genderqueer person, these questions made me realise how unimportant my gender is to me. I view gender (both as a concept and my own) like space, as a concept it is like space because there is so much nuance that I don't think I will ever fully understand everything about it, I might get a general idea and overview and a deeper understanding of small parts, but not all of it. My gender is like space because it is mostly empty, sure there are some areas with lots of stuff and that are fascinating, but most of it is inconsquential and empty because of how little connection I feel to gender, the areas full of interesting things are the few bits I feel connected to. Those bits are just elements that resonate with me, most of them relate to either femininity or androgyny, there is the occasional connect to masculinity, but they are rarer and most of the connections to any gendered things are to constructed things.
I am a (cis) woman but I feel like I have a pretty good mixture of typically 'feminine' and 'masculine' traits. For example, I often don't shave, I almost never wear makeup, I don't have a 'girl gang' and do almost all of the DIY in our house. But I'm also very emotional, I love clothes and interior design, I love rom coms and I like caring for people. I don't think I feel like a woman at the core of who I am but I'm perfectly happy identifying as a woman.
But one of the things that really marks me out as 'feminine' is that, despite generally doing well academically and having had a job since I was 15, I have always wanted lots of kids and to be a housewife. And I feel like, these days, this isn't seen as cool or aspirational. As women we're supposed to want to be powerful career women following in the steps of Michelle Obama etc. That's never been my priority but I've always felt ashamed. It's sad that, in some ways, we've ricocheted from one expectation of women to another.
I relate to this! I am cis woman and feel comfortable identifying as a woman because I am very comfortable in my physical appearance as a woman, I dont feel pressured to look a certain way but I genuinely enjoy dying my hair, experimenting with different makeup looks, painting my nails etc. But in terms of my mindset I often relate more to men than women in the way that they see the world. I find that women who act out certain feminine behavioural stereotypes really get on my nerves! And I don't have a group of girl friends, I have 3 good female friends but none of them really know each other and only 1 of the 3 is inherently "girly".
I believe sitting down and introspectively looking at all of our 'labels' is an important part of developing our sense of self, even if it does leave us with more questions than answers sometimes. Great video! :D
Ahh, but it's the questions that leads to progress!
Progress is the fruit of curiosity and the questions is the path in between ^^
interestingly enough, my male partner takes on the responsibility of keeping up with family and friends and all kinds of social obligations (and he's amazing at it too). it's something that i am terrible at and it makes me feel very anxious and uncomfortable, despite happily filling most other feminine roles in our relationship like cooking, cleaning, decorating our home, etc.
Same!
I used to feel insecure about the ways I'm "not feminine enough" according to society. But in grade 12 when I had just started going out with my boyfriend, we had this weird guest speaker come in and talk about gender roles in a very binary way (it was a private school and the teacher who brought this woman in was only temporary). My boyfriend and I realized we fit a lot of the opposite stereotypes/roles and that made us both feel much better, as he was teased for crocheting, and I was teased for not wearing makeup or very feminine clothes. We work well together and the ways we don't fit the binary, do fit with each other's personalities.
Also "maybe my gender is just... yellow" WHY DO I RELATE SO MUCH TO THIS
I have not worn makeup in over a year now. Really made me question my relationship with it, and I came to the same conclusion as you. I will definitely do this exercise since I'm clearly grappling with some of these concepts.
good for sure
I've been questioning makeup in a different way. I don't like it unless it's for costumes or very fancy events, but I worry that when I have job interviews, people will think I don't care, or aren't clean (for some reason being made up makes people think you're more clean, even though makeup can be dirty). It's an odd place to be in. I stopped shaving for a while too, and it's been great. I do feel uncomfortable in shorts if I'm not wearing knee high socks (I often have to wear special socks for a disability I have), but I feel better about myself, oddly enough.
"Do I even have a gender if I'm not relating to other people?"
Ding ding ding.
You dont have to play a role if there is nobody there.
I guess some people think they are or feel ”gender-less” if they don’t express femininity or masculity in relation to themselves or others, but for me my gender identity is pretty much directly related to my physical sex. When I am by myself I feel like a woman because I have a vagina. Like I get that this is not true for everyone, but it’s true for me. If you can have gender dysphoria based on your physical sex, can’t I feel like gender ”affirmation” based on my physical sex?
@@user-xm1od9nb1m The thing is, the very notion that you would associate your body with an idea of gender is because it was taught you by others. If you weren't living in a society where that was the way it was, you probably wouldn't think of yourself as "a woman" or "a man" or whatnot.
@@robertofontiglia4148 why are people trans if it’s only socialized?
@@user-xm1od9nb1m Because the fact that the notion was passed on to you by socialisation doesn't mean you feel comfortable in it. But, equally, you wouldn't have a notion of gender if you hadn't been socialised within that framework.
I LOVE THIS. I noticed something interesting halfway through the pandemic when I moved in with my boyfriend and basically havent interacted with another person since. Before this I was living with housemates and other family members (all women). Since living with one other (male) person, I have completely stopped thinking about how I present myself to the world. My to do list about the hair cut I'm going to get, the new jewellery i want, the piercings have all entered my mind again when I think about returning to society again. But these thoughts never went away when I was still living with other women. So do I perform my gender to feel a sense of belonging with other women, and to show where I fit among them, as opposed to differentiating myself from what I am not (i.e. presenting myself as the opposite of masculinity)? I don't know! But it's SO INTERESTING.
love this comment, I can totally relate to all of it.
Holly Cow Hannah!!!! When it comes to deep conversations think its fair to say this one ranks up there...... interesting to hear your answers need to go spend some time to be able to come up with my own :-0
11:31 OMG, I relate so bad. I'm also a cis-het-monog woman and I feel this so much. Like I'm proud when I feel like our two-person household looks clean and that the pantry is always stocked, I always know what's for dinner and never really run out of anything and remember everyone's birthdays and who we need to call and all that. But I also can't shake off the feeling, like - when we have children (which we plan to), am I going to be the mum who does everything, no one ever helps her and the husband is completely unaware which child has which shoes and where the raincoats are? Because that fricking scares me. And I've trying to go against that but when I'm also trying to be more "together" and have the flat look a way that if someone comes I won't be ashamed...these two seem to be going against each other.
I don't do it all alone, my partner does clean with me, cooks and all that but I'm always the one who says "the bathroom needs to be cleaned" or remember to buy toilet paper or reminds him that his mum's birthday is coming. And I never know if I'm just good at it or if it's because I've been raised that it's supposed to by my responsibility and my job and he wasn't.
I'm fully aware that this isn't nearly the most important point from the video but it just felt so relatable, sorry for the article.
I would highly recommend reading this comic called "the mental load" english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
im pretty young (17) to be thinking about children and household management but i feel so similarly that i have almost ‘put myself off’ of having children because i don’t want to be the stay at home mother who is the main carer for the children and would want to be a career focused person... but feel as though its impossible to achieve both, having children, and being the ‘breadwinner’ so to speak.
As a trans person, we should crown you #1 ally at this point 🥺
Yep, does that make JK her arch nemesis?... That would certainly make for an interesting comic book lol
I'd be pretty having happy having her in that position... Although I do much prefer a council of allies...
As a mostly cis guy married to a non binary person, I can see why, though I find the council concept more appealing than any hierarchy.
Ah yes, the council of Allies, I like the sound of that
honestly
Upon realising that I'm a lesbian I started to feel a lot less connected to womanhood. None of the things that are traditionally linked to being a woman really apply to me because its so centred around being appealing to men within society. I think I've always felt a bit uncomfortable being seen as super feminine by thoes around me eventhough I do like some stereotypically feminine things. I think I like the idea of just calling my gender queer or using lesbian as a label for my sexuality as well as my gender. I think I do still have some connections to womanhood though because I've been raised as a girl and society percieves me as a woman. Its really complicated and im not sure that I'll ever be sure about it. Im more connected to womanhood than manhood for sure but I don't know if woman really explains it all for me anymore?? In an ideal world everything would just be neutral and id just be like a weird blob or something haha. I feel like a person with the experiences of a woman if that makes sense.
It is interesting how much of gender is also heteronormative. As a non-binary person with often “feminine” presentation, I feel equally “straight” when interacting with men because they’re a different gender (though they don’t always feel the same). I ALSO feel “straight” when interacting with women because the relatability and joy in she/her pronouns is just not there for me… but that ends up meaning I don’t hit it off with lesbians romantically.
Generally I date best with other bi people because they don’t find gender quite as prohibitive. I also find myself feeling “gay” when other NB people are around because they relate and I enjoy them and they say everything that no one else groks or identifies with!
As a trans person I had to ask myself all of these questions and more, and I feel more confident in myself for it. It's really just about tapping in to yourself and what you really want your life to look like to be happy - that's the goal for me anyway 😊
My mom told me that my hairy armpits were disgusting and gross. I tried asking her if my dads armpit hair was disgusting but she still insisted my body hair was nasty. Guess who’s not shaving until she’s moved out
Being a CIS male, I initially struggled answering the feeding my gender question as I feel like it absolutely doesn’t need feeding. But then I realised what it’s really asking was what needs to be done to help your gender grow in the right direction! So... removing the toxic masculinity norms and making it ok to ask for help when you need to lean on others.
I guess when you are feeling the societal pressures and you feel you can't do what you want to do because of your gender, just do it anyway and tell yourself you are doing the rest of your gender a favour by setting an example 😊
Stoicism in men is not inherently a "toxic" trait. Stoicism is for many men a coping mechanism.
@@simfimpim - Stoicism is sometimes necessary for everyone, particularly in situations where immediate action is necessary and there isn't time to "process what you're feeling." The easiest example of that are soldiers in combat: ask anyone who's engaged the enemy and they'll tell you that they were terrified the whole time, but they recognized that the best way to survive the engagement is to set that terror aside and focus on winning the fight.
I find the term cis offensive. Funny they ask us to use some pronouns but label us with a offensive cis. Strait or hetero is good enough.
@@Nejim11 why is it offensive to you? cis is not the same thing as straight or hetero. I am cis but I am not straight. cis is the only word that means what it means.
The part that is really surprising to me is that apparently, people don't think about this anyway.
I have done so, so have my friends and we have even talked about it with each other, I just assumed that was a "normal" thing people do?
Why would it be?. The # of people who identify as a gender other than the one they are biologically is minuscule by comparison to those that DO identify as the gender they are biologically. I don't even think it's a full 1% of people. When it's that small it can pretty much be ruled out as "normal" to talk about.
@@pustulio81 then again, how many go around feeling uncomfortable in their own skin and the context of the community around them, thinking there's something wrong with themselves just because they don't have any words to express themselves with or anyone to compare similiar experiences with?
@@pustulio81 I have read estimates from 0.1 to 1%. It almost does not matter, though. Even if everyone affected was really outspoken about this - and often enough they are not - the big mayority of people will go trough their lives without knowing a single one of them to a degree that this would be a topic of discussion. There is just nothing to think or talk about.
@@hmpeter you can and probably should still think and talk about things that are not within your daily experience. That's how we become empathetic and understanding of people who maybe don't fit that "statistical norm".
@@SonsOfLorgar If you're uncomfortable in your own skin, or in the community you're around, then you're part of that tiny fraction of people who probably needs to talk to people about it. As for the remaining people, there's no confusion. They're already comfortable with who they are and the community they're in. They don't really have a reason to think about their gender as they already know it fits who they are.
hi ! trans person here!! loved the idea of this video - think something similar to this tag/re-doing it with an actual trans person could really add to the conversation. i think it would add a whole extra level of nuance that i'm not sure can be achieved as a cis person answering these qs! (not a dig, us trans folk just think abt this a lot!!)
I'm agender, and when I play games where I can create my own character, I usually am an alien or other non-human type character, and often leave the question of gender out of my character's identity entirely (and I'm looking back at games I played before I identified as agender). I don't really get how to "be" a woman or a man. I'm afab and am happy to be called female, but I don't feel female. I totally related to your struggle of trying to figure out what defines you as a woman.
I'm Autistic and one of the things I really like about it that people are always a blank slate until they give me information because that way I can learn about them the way they want to...and on the other hand, I never really understood how the expectations of me being a woman looked like (which also came with a huge set of problems but that's not the point here). That's why I find it incredibly interesting to hear about it from a different perspective
About the being genderless when at home thing, I feel like we have our gender all the time but sometimes it just doesn’t matter. Being completely alone for weeks in my apartment, I still innately feel like a woman, I just don’t think about it as much as when I have to present as such to the outside world.
Idk, gender is very complicated and personal but also societal....that’s my point of view but I love to hear other people’s
I've been thinking about this recently a lot. I don't feel uncomfortable being referred to as a girl or a she but I don't feel a connection to womanhood. I don't feel like a girl. But then it's like what even does it mean to be a girl? I wouldn't be uncomfortable being referred to as a he or they. I just feel like me, not a girl or boy just me. Idk if anyone else can relate but it's just what I've been feeling recently. I just wish gender was as much a part of your identity as hair colour or height you know?
Omg...am I genderless when I'm alone?? 🤯
RIGHT!??! really makes you think
Mind blown
Does that depend on how much you can let go of society when you are alone? I remember shame when being home alone, but doing things that conflict with the gender norms.
*Tranzjenderizm isn't an actual thing since nobody can actually change their sex.*
@@starhunter9085 it’s transGENDER, and gender is actually a separate thing from sex. There are lots of UA-cam videos that explain the difference really well, I suggest you take a look at them :)
Let me know if you want specific suggestions for videos
Yellow Power Range didn't have a skirt because it was a man in the original source material.
aaaah!!
@@hannahwitton Well that certainly gives you something to think about!!
Although, the only Power Rangers I've seen had Rose McIver as Yellow Ranger and she's great like you (blonde too), so that's a plus. :-)
Thank you for making this video, Hannah. As a transwoman, this sort of video is great for the normalisation of those who may have dissonance with their gender. One thing I want to add is about how you felt hesitant to comment on your body as things you like about being a woman. I think those are fair to say, with the caveat that it doesn't define womanhood, because of the existence of dysphoria in transpeople. For me, I never identified with any of the parts of my body that are considered 'male'. As for female bodies, I often liken it to phantom limbs; It feels as if something should be there on my body but isn't. For me, this is an indication that my gender is separarte to my sex. I wouldn't have these issues if I wasn't trans. So for a cis person to like those things about their body, I feel that's a good point to their conclusion they're cis. That said, not all trans people have dysphoria, so it shouldn't be one's only indication.
‘I wonder if I would dress less feminine/ present my gender differently if I had small boobs’ Oof. This one got me. I have definitely had this thought too.
Oh god, I’m afab and have identified as a girl/woman my entire life, but then a couple of weeks ago i started having this gender crisis, and I’ve not thought that much about it since because I just SPIRAL. I just feel like ultimately gender is not only a social construct but also a patriarchal construct - like if we lived in a vacuum where the patriarchy and gender did not exist, would the concept gender still exist?? Or would we just all be ourselves and express ourselves however we wanted to? At the same time i don’t want to change anything about myself in the way that I express myself at the moment (not even my pronouns? I’m comfortable with she/her), but it just makes me so angry and annoyed to know that no matter what I do, because I express myself femininely, I will always be perceived by others as a woman which means I will be discriminated against because of gender inequality and misogyny. Gender as a whole feels very frustrating to me at the moment and I kind of wish it didn’t exist because then I think mine and everyone’s lives would be a lot easier. But I don’t know, my thoughts on this are still all very messy so other people might not agree with me and that’s completely fine :)
There are matriarchal societies in India where the women run things, and the men are much less dominant, and take more subservient roles, so I think it's wrong to ascribe gender roles as a creation of the patriarchy, even if the roles we see for women (in the west) are largely perpetuated by inertia and the patriarchy
@@hitchikerspie Thank you! I didn't know that but it makes sense, and yeah what I wrote in my comment was more or less my brain vomit and also very western focused because that is what I have experienced. That being said I am aware that this patriarchal construct of gender is very much a colonial feature as well - I remember reading somewhere that societies in some African countries looked very different to what they are like now in terms of gender and sexuality before they were colonised by European countries. I definitely need to and really want to do more reading on this, one book i've heard about (which is where i heard about the African countries thing) is The Invention of Women by Oyeronke Oyewumi
@@sofiaolendraru4901 Nah it's cool, we all enjoy a good word vomit to get things off our chest every now and then. I've seen a couple recommendations for that book and it sounds like a great read, I hope you enjoy it :D
This was super interesting. I identify as a cis "mostly-woman" because I love being a woman but I would also say I'm slightly fluid - at one point I threw around the possibility or using ze/zir pronouns and I don't feel *super* uncomfortable if I get misgendered (i used to rock a pixie cut and am quite flat chested). Definitely going to dive into this more!
I am SO HERE for cis people examining and talking about their gender! This was a brilliant video and your answers were really interesting. Have you read 'The Mental Load'? It's a feminist comic which, as well as other things, talks about the often taken-for-granted labour that cis women dating cis men end up doing - organising diaries, knowing what chores need to be done around the flat, etc. I found it interesting that you find yourself doing those things because you're better at them but expect Dan to do more of the manual things around the flat - have you ever sat down together to discuss how you divide this labour up, and if/why it works for you to do it this way? Your thoughts on make-up and the ways you're expected to perform your gender were fascinating - personally I've only started wearing lipstick since stepping into my transness, because I could explore it for myself without the pressure of having to be 'good' at it because I was a woman. There is so much bullshit around women being seen as "unprofessional" if they're not wearing make-up. I would definitely love you to talk more about your thoughts on make-up and gender if you did decide to experiment with not wearing it when you feel you are "supposed" to but only when you want to! I did find it interesting that you started with a definition of gender that didn't mention non-binary people at all - I understand that you were probably looking for an 'official' definition, but it felt like a very 'cis' definition! I do love your visualising of gender as space though - in that analogy I'm definitely out among the stars, making myself a part of the cosmos while I explore it.
yes I have read that comic and I showed it to Dan and actually when I felt like I was doing too much of the "mental" I made him sit down with me and we read it again together. We've had lots of chats about how we divide up household labour and I think we're at a much better place now i.e. we now have our areas of responsbility instead of every single thing being 50/50.
I have done a video about makeup (I think on my More Hannah channel??) I can't remember how much I go into about gender in it but probably a bit as it's so tied into how I feel about makeup! That's really interesting you've started using lipstick now, I've heard from other AFAB trans people that once they realised they were trans/came out/started presenting the way they wanted wearing makeup was something that they felt they could do more of, like you said, without the gender expectations!
and yeah the WHO definition is still very binary, it worked because I was talking about cisness in this video but yeah I was surprised there was no mention of non-binary in there and I don't know why I didn't voice that outloud in this video! would love to know if you know of any "official" definitions of gender that do include non-binary!
I hope you're having fun among the stars!!! I think I'm floating in Venus' atmosphere 🎉
I am 60 years old. My identity is Woman not Cis Woman. I was called a Tom Boy as a child. I was a girl. I enjoyed playing with boys and girls, boys toys and girls toys. I was me and I never cared what others thought.
I have never worn dresses, skirts, high heels or long hair. I have never worn makeup (read the ingredients It poisons your skin). I do not need makeup. I look good without makeup because my skin is not being poisoned.
I have never felt pressured by others to wear makeup and have never followed trends or fashions. I have never connected with my peers. I am a Woman. I am me.
I am Autistic. I am me and have always been me and have never followed the crowd.
Womanhood is being born biologically female with breasts, uterus, hormones, periods and the possibility of giving birth. None of which biological males naturally experience.
Just enjoy life. Be yourself. However, do not expect others to change themselves in order for you to be yourself.
I am a Woman not a Cis Woman.
You picked the Power Ranger idea right out of my brain!
There are so many moments from when I was a young girl that i think back to, and am unsure if they were early expressions of my feelings towards my gender identity, or if they stemmed from the “I’m not like other girls” mentality.
which one is it?!??! we'll never know!
A really interesting follow up to this vid would be your thoughts on gender and bringing up children, and how you and Dan want to approach it as parents in the future. Like how can we bring up children in the future to think about this, and to allow them to explore it and feel comfortable with it.
Ok this has to be one of my favorite videos of yours. You've just re-awoken a part of me, the critical thinking, analyzing part of me that I miss since finishing university. One of the aspects I loved so much about being in university was that these types of discussions where you fall down analytical rabbit holes would be so common. You could be in line for coffee and having a conversation of this type and level with someone. When I finished university I found it difficult to have these types of discussions with anyone I was interacting with; it felt like everything became very superficial and just a collection of routines and pleasantries. It's like the intellectual part of myself has been starving for stimulus. The best way I can normally put it into words is that my brain is bored.
Idk, for me I've always been fine being misgendered when I'd dress a certain way or type in a chat and people would assume my gender (have done many different ways) and I just never cared? I care more that other people care so much when they know my sex/ determine that I "fit" into whichever identification they think I am and get upset when I don't care or when, say, I don't dress to fit into that identification. For the most part, I think I do come across a cis to most people and I'll use those pronouns sometimes. Personally though? I just feel like a person...not trying to say that gender isn't important! Just that in my own self-understanding, it's almost completely irrelevant. Great video topic, Hannah!
as a trans person, this video was very fun and refreshing ! it can often feel like cis people have a tendancy to not understand or even think about gender in as nuanced a way as most trans people so to see a cis person taking the time to go through these questions and really Think about these things was very wonderful to see
Abso-frickin'-lutely.
It goes deeper than just gender. Question everything about yourself. I wouldn't have found my true self until I started really questioning things I never thought I had to question before.
I was cis until I realised I think about myself neutrally. I think gender discussion should be brought up at school to help everyone cis and trans together.
Many cis people think of themselves neutrally as well though...
The only time I thought about it at school was when people would judge me, we had to get into groups based on gender, or one time when someone was talking about binary gender roles and my partner and I looked at each other and were like, "we don't fit these, but we fit the roles together," and I remember that clearly as being a big moment in the early part of our relationship. The school I went to had unisex uniforms, but girls were allowed to wear skirts if they wanted, so it was nice to dress in a neutral way, as I don't really have a connection to any gender.
The sunflower picture totally resonated with me! Love it :)
Also I loved the video. I had a Uni class about sexual orientation and gender (in the context of psychotherapy) where we also explored our gender. That was so interesting, because I (identifying as a cis woman) had never really thought about it before, or at least not that closely. Totally agree that everyone should reflect on it. One question I particularly liked was „When was the first time you remember identifying as/feeling like xyz“.
the stuff about being "genderless" at home really makes me think about my friends who went through changes on their gender identities in the middle of the pandemic, being mostly... at home 🧐 maybe being alone with thoughts and away from socialization helped realize some things!
Oh this video is making me think so much, it's wonderful!! This is a really interesting topic, especially as a cis woman, I have never questioned my gender or analysed why I am a woman. Great video ❤️
With makeup, I realized in college that certain female friends wore makeup every day, and then it felt quite jarring when I'd see them without it, because I wasn't used to their faces as they naturally were because I never saw them that way. But being in theatre and acting classes where people are often encouraged to come to class as naturally as possible, I rarely wore makeup so people were just used to my face? I don't know if I had a particular point about that, but it's something that's always got me thinking about its implications.
Yesss thank you for saying talking about feeling genderless during lockdown. I'm a trans man and I'm honestly glad I'm not alone in the because I low-key had a few moments where was like "am i even a man, wtf?" but then I put on regular clothes and I was like, "oh yeah it's just because I haven't been in social situations lately." Basically my gender had become basketball shorts and hoodie. I've been trying to put on clothes that feel more gender euphoric to me, rather than just physically comfortable, because that has been a major missing part of my gender experience lately.
It's also super wild, because I've now spent about a third of my medical transition in quarantine, and I increased my HRT dose in the meantime, so I've been experiencing changes that most people probably aren't picking up on over zoom, etc. I'm still not sure how I feel about that whole bit.
I love this! Cis people can also experience gender euphoria! Gender euphoria was the biggest thing that confirmed my transness for me, and I love that more cis people are starting to examine their own genders too! Gender is so complex and fascinating and it’s a really intimate thing to explore about yourself
I was literally sent home from a job because I looked ill (I just wasn’t wearing makeup). I tried to explain this but in the end just went home 😂 I’m often told I look tired or ill without it and it makes me upset lol
uuuugghhhhh!!!
Can't you insist that you're not ill and stay anyway? Unless you were happy getting the day off. Whatever the case, it really sucks that they treated you that way.
@@lwaves hahaha I did I was like I’m fine, I just have no makeup on. This is what I really look like but I think they just thought I was trying to hide my Mental Health or something
Ugh yeah, a good part of why I wear make-up is because I'm naturally very pale and also chronically ill, and if I ever didn't wear make-up to school or university I'd constantly get asked if I was ill 😩
Fun tip from a demigirl: we are often annoyed when people say that "everybody does/feels xyz" but maybe also consider that if you relate to non-cis, non-binary experiences, that might also mean that you're not a cis or binary as you thought.
Thank you so much for this! 😍 I love these questions and your thoughtful approach to them. I’ve experienced so many of the dilemmas you described, and I love the part where you explain that it’s not behavioural or physical characteristics that have been ascribed to womanhood that make you a woman, but a feeling of connection to womanhood in language and art. It was important for me personally to realise that pretty much nothing is innate to any particular gender identity, and that feelings of either connection or aversion to certain words are pretty informative of identity.
the way you explained how you feel about being referred to as a woman (gender euphoria?) is exactly how i feel about my name. when people use it im like !! yes thats me! you know who i am!
I love this so much that I shared it on my Tumblr blog! As a deminonbinary woman, I really loved hearing your takes on gender, and it helped me think about my own gender more. Thank you for creating this!
I like to think about the things that no one ever questions (like how we are expected to get married and have babies for example)
But I’ve never thought about this.
yesss question everything, we love to see it
" we are expected to get married and have babies for example"
Is that a present norm in your society? Where do you live?
I have actively decided to never have kids and haven't gotten any pushback so far.
@@deamon6681 It might also be more of a family expectations kind of thing. I don’t think that I will face major criticism from (German) society in general for not wanting to give birth or get married (to a man anyways, but that’s something else). But I still feel my parents’ and grandparents‘ expectations a lot.
I feel that alot in the US, especially from family and some friends. It took many years for my mom to stop just assuming she'd have grandchildren at some point, and possibly she still does assume that she just doesn't voice it anymore. I feel from the society point of view alot of the pressure is from religion and its impact on the people around me. I'm from the southern US so its Christian heavy and the idea of marriage before sex/children (since I was raised as sex=children) is very engrained.
@@deamon6681 latin countries are all about family so it is the norm to have babies.
Loved this and would love to see this from a cis male point of view as well.
What a fantastic and thought provoking post. So complex...and so many aspects to think about. Thankyou
One of the reasons that I did end up coming out as non-binary was what you were saying about belonging and relatability earlier… I just don’t feel that I belong and don’t feel that I relate and that’s been the same at every age I’ve ever been. There’s a really high rate of intersection between autism and specifically non-binary gender identity for exactly this reason… that really does nail it.
Thank you for making this video and talking about these questions, it was such an interesting and fun exercise to do! I definitely didn't discover anything new about me, but it was cool to think about something I never really thought about, especially in relation to society's views and expectations. I highly recommend it for anyone that wants to try it
Loved this video! I am a cis woman and one of my queer friends once asked me what I like about being a woman and why I identify as a woman. It made me realize how much of my gender is socially constructed and yet how meaningful it still was to me. I also think this is such a great exercise in empathy for cis people to begin to understand how much thought trans people put into gender when cis people hardly ever think about it.
As a non-binary person, I don't think you should feel that you can't feel good about your physiology as part of your experience of your gender. Many trans people (especially binary trans people) feel like this too, which is part of why things such as hormones and surgery is so important for many of us. As long as you're respectful of the fact that women look different, it's perfectly fine to think of your body as part of your personal gender experience.
Anyway, this was a lot of fun to watch. :)
Examining gender through the lens of tokusatsu heroes, this is definitely a video for me! You're right, the yellow Power Ranger didn't have a skirt. The character in the Japanese source footage was actually a man but the producers decided the American version needed more balance. The currently airing season has a female Green Ranger who was male in the Japanese version, for her they specifically filmed footage of her suit including a skirt when she first morphed and her ripping it off because it wasn't her thing. She's also the first canonically LGBTQIA+ Power Ranger.
On the topic of making snap judgements about people that are later shown to be wrong, I remember reading somewhere that your initial reaction to something is what you have been taught to feel/think, and your subsequent thoughts/reactions actually define you as a person. For example, seeing a scantily dressed girl and immediately thinking 'she looks a bit slutty', but then immediately catching yourself and being like 'no, actually, she has great legs, and she looks awesome in that dress' doesn't automatically make you sexist - your first thought was just what society has drummed into us for years and it takes time to unlearn that way of thinking
This video is gold! As an Enby this video is such a good one for Cis people to get into. Also GENDER AS A CONCEPT IS SPACE and I'm a sunflower, is amazing, I love it. Basically, thank-you, and when I come out to my family I will be showing them this video to help them.
Its interesting what you said about makeup- I never wear it for everyday use and constantly get told "you're so brave" - I don't feel brave for going bare faced
This was really interesting to watch and think about, it boggles my mind a bit but im here for it!
I loved the point you made about make-up. I don't like that the fact that some amount of make-up as the baseline for women, and that its almost required in some situations if you want to be considered as professional or appropriate by some. I personally don't like to wear make-up, I don't feel like myself when I do so for me it is something I do only for other people because I feel that expectation. But without it I feel the pressure that I don't look my age (I look much younger, which in some cases can be a negative), and I don't look feminine enough. A very interesting video, I love all your content because it is thought provoking!
Your hair looks really great in this vid!
I'm a cis-bi-pol, love the new all in one terminology! I've never heard it expressed like that. I am pregnant mama with two toddlers already and I'm only in a relationship with their dad right now but, I'm still bi and poly. Thanks for letting me share.
Hey, another bi and poly person!
Cis man here. I was immediately devastated by the first question. It's hard to identify what I like about being a "man"; it was always sort of there, and I've always had a hard time fitting in with "regular dudes". In my thirties, I wish I could have more meaningful conversations with my friends.
This examination was useful in that I identify these troubles more with societal expectations than what I feel my gender is. This is sort of rambling, which I also took comfort in you doing in the video. A great food for thought piece.
Omg, this is great, it's kind of nice to see an in depth perspective of a cis person. It also kind of made me feel that I should have realised my ftm transness earlier, I had a lot of the opposite experiences to you and my answers would be super different.
Your hair is seriously dreamy in this video 😍
Most people haven't done this because it really doesn't matter. I'm an individual not part of boxes
I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot for the past year, and this is a really fantastic set of questions! It’s really interesting to see your perspective on this!
Literally yesterday I had a conversation about gender, someone asked me how do you define a woman and I had such a hard time with defining it without being transexclusionary and misoginistic. I concluded that what being a woman means is define by each individual woman and is influenced by cultural, social, family and emotional context.
*Woman*
_noun_
adult human female
Sex at birth is OBSERVED not designated.
Great video Hannah! Very interesting topic and questions. I am a cis-woman and I definitely related with the big boobs thing. I don't have any body dysphoria but on many days I like wearing more "masculine" clothes or present in a "masculine" way, and I honestly wish I had a smaller/flat chest and have even considered getting a binder (I haven't though cause I feel weird about it.. like that isn't something I am allowed to have) because I don't like how big my chest looks in certain clothes/it doesn't look like me or how I wanna look. Or I avoid certain clothes cause I don't like how my chest looks in them. But some days I also like wearing more "feminine" clothes that show my cleavage or are tight-fitting on my chest. I don't know if it is gender-related or just a confidence thing or not being able to find the right style of clothes for me. But honestly, I don't know... gender is dead as they say nowadays.
I find the concept of "am I my gender (or even gender identity) when at home" very interesting and not one I had thought of. As someone who seems to fall in the non-binary camp (which is a very confusing place to be for me) I find amongst many other things, I have to "put on" my outward presentation of male to fit in (or to not stand out). and this doesn't just include clothes (which are male-ish) but also how I walk and how I speak. My male persona feels like a coat that I have to put on in order to interact with the world. It's tiring.
That rambled. Interesting talking point though.
I think it's interesting how language relates to gender identity. English being my second language, I found it hard to identify with a label or pronouns. To make things more interesting, my native language has only one third-person pronoun (which is gender neutral.)
I saw this video on my side bar. The title caught me and drew me in. Holy cow! So refreshing, fun, interesting and honest. Love your sense of humor. Your total presentation on this video is so wonderful. I just had to sub.
I think it is a great step to question these things and to question how you expect trans people to be able to explain them.
I love this video. I’ve struggled a lot trying to define my gender. For me being sexually abused from a young age really caused me to not want to be seen as “female” as I equated it with being weak.
As I’ve become older though I consider myself a women who is lesbian, despite never wanting to wear makeup or wear a dress. As I think others can relate my experiences from a young age really messed up my sense of self and instilled fears around feeling like a women and what that means. Even my sexuality I’ve felt like I was lesbian (I prefer the term gay) since I was a younger teen but I’ve struggled for years (in therapy) trying to figure out if it’s bc of my past that I’m only comfortable with women. I do only feel sexually attracted to women and don’t feel anything at all towards men (except sometimes fear). I have accepted that I am gay, it’s where I feel I belong even if I will never figure out if I was made to be that way. I will never know.
Being the household manager is my biggest stress as a woman!! Honestly relate to this so much, I am good at it and it just naturally falls to me. It’s effort to have to tell my boyfriend to think for us when it comes to certain things - that is just twice the effort. Always in turmoil about this, I have found that putting in place routines helps as you can both be accountable xx
I really, loved and agreed on number of the things you said. When it got to the last questions on visualising gender, I feel like the universe description works, however, I was thinking on it more afterwards and also thought of another one. What if gender is like water, it is fluent and free-flowing, constantly changing shape, is kinda everywhere, it takes different forms, but it is also heavily manipulated by society.
I absolutely love your description of understanding gender like understanding space and the universe - such a good way of putting it!
you said you hoped for cis men to answer to those questions, here I am!
-WHAT DO I ENJOY ABOUT BEING MY GENDER?
Nothing, not that I hate it, it's just that I find it impossible to associate something with manhood instead of associating it with just me or humanhood in general
-WHY DO I IDENTIFY WITH MY GENDER?
Words are weird, they aren't completely fuzzy otherwise language wouldn't work but also they aren't perfectly specific, so basically I feel like I identify as my gender cause it can help people understand things about me, in particular how society treats me
-WHAT GENDERED EXPECTATIONS DO I PUT ON MYSELF? DO I ENJOY THOSE EXPECTATIONS? WHY OR WHY NOT?
I think I don't put expectations on myself, in general I always want to understand me regardless of any affiliation to any group, so Idk, I don't think I should act any differently than any other human, or put make-up, or don't put make-up, or dress a certain way, the way I behave is a result of what I think is just and fair and my own lazyness (no but really, how in hell do people find the motivation to put make-up on?)
-WHAT GENDERED EXPECTATIONS DO I PUT ON OTHERS? WHY?
I really hope I don't, but one thing has been on my mind for a while, if I'm talking with just one person I find it a bit easier to talk with women, I don't know if it's me or if men are pressured into not opening up as much and so I find it more difficult to approach them
-HOW DO SOCIETAL PRESSURES AFFECT MY GENDER PRESENTATION?
In general, since a very young age, I understood one thing "if I don't conform, if I keep doing my thing and behave like I feel is right for me, people that don't accept me will leave me alone and people that do will be more easily attracted to me, if I lie, I present myself in a different way than who I am, the opposite will happen", maybe I was lucky but in general it worked, so I present how I want to, one thing that I'm not doing but I think I'll try once I'll live on my own is nail polish, dark green nail polish, I bet I'd look pretty nice with it
-IN WHAT WAYS COULD I BETTER FEED MY GENDER? WHAT SMALL THINGS COULD I DO IN ORDER TO MAKE IT HAPPY?
Idk, I'm happy knowing who I am and the fact that I'm always ready to listen to myself and understand more, a bit like I do with everything, so it seems a bit silly to focus on my gender rather than focusing on my general identity
-HOW DO I VISUALIZE GENDER AS A CONCEPT? WHAT DOES MY GENDER, IN SPECIFIC, LOOK LIKE?
You know how whenever you go to wikipedia or you read an article you can find some clear numbers, like the Sun is X amount of kilometers away from us, but in reality every scientist would add error bars, there's always uncertainty and you can only decrease it but not remove it, everything is like that, there is no concept that is certain (ok, I think therefore I am, that one is certain, but I will not make the same mistake as decartes and go full religious from that), when it comes to social sciences it's even harder cause it's not a number followed by an error bar but a concept that every human that has ever lived or will live has in their mind, but everyone has a slightly different version that can also change with time, so in short the "best" way I can identify something like "man" would be to average out what everybody thinks "man" is and keep in mind that every human I use for the average adds some error to the error bar (and also I guess the graph it's in more dimensions, it's a mess, thinking about splashing colors on a canvas and saying "man is roughly where red is cause everyone agrees man is red but no one agrees on which parts of the canvas are to be considered red" is a better metaphor maybe) so Idk and I don't care I guess, damn I sound so annoying in these responses