We just had our first marriage counselling with our pastor and it was mostly about sex. Our sex life has been active but not satisfying due to insecurities and lack of communication. God has shown me it's a holy gift we need to nurture and talk about with our spouse and there's no shame in that
We need more conversations like this in the Christian community. Sex is a gift from God for the covenant of marriage, therefore we should be leading the conversation. Thank you!
Those gifted to write/counsel on the topic, continue to help unpack the dynamics jewels relationally, biblically & nourishing to family ....yes, redeem & lead more wonderfully
Exhaustion is my # 1 problem, followed closely by a lack of my husband's leading the home. At 10pm, sometimes midnight, when I finally finish all my house work and chores, the LAST thing I want is sex. Not only do I do all the things including homeschool our children, I'm also the spiritual leader so something has to give!
Sis please try to get through to him (open his eyes to the reality of your home situation) before your frustration or resentment increases. Gary Smalley's ideas creating word pictures works wonders.
I am no expert, but this is what I have tried/variations of it. 1. share baby sitting responsibilities with another family I trust to leave my kids for 1 to 2 hours. If they Sat you take Sun. As often as you can. 2. Get pizza for meal so your not doing dishes and get kids to bed early so yoi can your husband have more time, would really help if you voice your need out when your not tired or upset. 3. Put kids favorite movie with bunch of snacks and and shut the door. 4. Lets your kids help out and your husband and it gives you time back....you really will wo der what to do with the first time it happens. 5 Pray
Two relevant conversations on Focus on the Family from many years ago come to mind. Dr. Kevin Leman on "Sex Begins in the Kitchen." A husband that does what needs to be done in their home, in terms of cooking, cleaning, helping with the children, etc. connects with his wife's heart. Dr. James Dobson on "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women." During this discussion, he shared that if they had to make a choice, the vast majority of the thousands of women that he had counselled would forego physical sexual intimacy for meaningful emotional intimacy with their husbands.
This just makes me want to lash out. I've *always* done a lot of domestic stuff, but my wife couldn't care less! She just expects it, sometimes I feel like I'm parenting her, too! Don't go telling young people that the husband has to be domestic as well, & the wife will be attracted to him. That's not the way it works!
What needs to be addressed is the tradition of some people going into marriage to lay down and die. They don't understand that marriage is about new life and living. It's like a small business, it involves constant change.
@@howardruns having no expectations is wonderful. It takes the burden and pressure off. I learned in Nar Anon (I'm a mother of a Recovering addict). I now live this way with my husband. It's very freeing. Expectations are not fair to the ppl we love. We basically are saying you have to be the way I expect and if you aren't I am mad and upset and offended.
@@sarahlockridge7879, I kind of hear what you are saying maybe. If I love someone, in the context of a committed romantic relationship, I definitely have reasonable expectations of them. I have very similar expectations of myself in the context of our relationship. Otherwise, we may as well be roommates, rather than husband and wife, if a relationship made it there.
"But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ" Ephesians 4:15 Holy Scriptures says we plainly communicate in love. When we submit ourselves to the leading of the Holy Spirit our spiritual gifts are used to build up and edify each other so that there can be growth in love. This goes for all areas of our lives.
There is another element as well..when a woman hits a certain age there is NO denying the low level of libido due to hormonal changes and no amount of talking and being connected with your spouse will help that..Im not saying every woman but majority need some help hormonally wether thats natural hormone replacement or something similar
In cultures where every issue is handled indirectly meaningful communication in this area is more of an issue. Not so much in cultures where you look someone in the eye and say " Here is where you can improve"
What about when illness and especially physical brokenness with the man and the wife?? It is a big problem. Could you hive help on that side please? Thank you!
Some of these stories are cool and applicable no doubt , but it works only when both spouses are engaged to satisfy each other. Other than that, these stories are disconnected from reality.
Both spouses should be engaged to to satisfy each other. If they aren’t, there are often deeper issues that need to be addressed first. The Pastor that did our marriage counseling told us that the relationship should be built from the ground up - Spiritual -> emotional -> physical
Hi Angela - The book includes a chapter on difficulties, but other resources might address disability or illness more specifically. We have a couple of articles along these lines (bddy.me/369pXcj and bddy.me/3Lvq9m8), and the book Restoring the Pleasure offers practical help for couples facing barriers with intimacy (bddy.me/3oGeSWk). The authors' website has additional resources, as well (bddy.me/3JmrzO5). We hope this is helpful. Blessings!
I need this question answered: At what point is the idea of responsibility for the wife to perform a thing, in a similar way that a man has to handle his responsibilities despite how they feel? It is almost impossible to make another person "feel" a type of way, nor should that particular responsibility be placed in the hands of another person. Any ideas on this would be appreciated. Men will do whatever is needed to be intimate. But...If my wife isn't in the mood due to something that happened with the kids, or a girlfriend, or family member, how are we to handle that? I understand that a hard day at work may not have her in the mood when she gets home. But if it has been 4 hrs later, and I am being denied because of a bad work day that had nothing to do with me, how is that ok? Asking sincerely. I would welcome the conversation and perspective
It’s helpful, to me, when my husband takes the time to have a nice conversation, snuggle non-sexually, take care of something on my “to do” list, play with our child while I have a bath (so that I feel clean and attractive), etc. I can just be “on demand” but that’s not emotionally satisfying or fun for me, personally. I hope that provides some insight into your situation.
@@danielleg1504 I respect your answer, and what works for family. That is what is most important! But to respond, i will have to say No it didnt really shed much insight. My question is really could you give him what he needs not in response to any of those things you mentioned being done, but simply because he is in need and it is your responsibility to meet that need?
We just had our first marriage counselling with our pastor and it was mostly about sex. Our sex life has been active but not satisfying due to insecurities and lack of communication. God has shown me it's a holy gift we need to nurture and talk about with our spouse and there's no shame in that
We need more conversations like this in the Christian community. Sex is a gift from God for the covenant of marriage, therefore we should be leading the conversation. Thank you!
Makes no sense unmarried couple wrote this book
@@Noor-ym1em They are both married to other people.
Those gifted to write/counsel on the topic, continue to help unpack the dynamics jewels relationally, biblically & nourishing to family
....yes, redeem & lead more wonderfully
Glad to hear common lens ...limits within Christian circle on sexuality & reviving the sparks in intimacy as couple or devotional walk
Exhaustion is my # 1 problem, followed closely by a lack of my husband's leading the home. At 10pm, sometimes midnight, when I finally finish all my house work and chores, the LAST thing I want is sex. Not only do I do all the things including homeschool our children, I'm also the spiritual leader so something has to give!
Sis please try to get through to him (open his eyes to the reality of your home situation) before your frustration or resentment increases. Gary Smalley's ideas creating word pictures works wonders.
You do not have to wait until the end of the day. Why not 3pm? 6pm? Make it a date so that y'all are not so tired!!
This is so common.
@@MatthewinGooseneck, you completely missed her point, Brother.
I am no expert, but this is what I have tried/variations of it. 1. share baby sitting responsibilities with another family I trust to leave my kids for 1 to 2 hours. If they Sat you take Sun. As often as you can. 2. Get pizza for meal so your not doing dishes and get kids to bed early so yoi can your husband have more time, would really help if you voice your need out when your not tired or upset. 3. Put kids favorite movie with bunch of snacks and and shut the door. 4. Lets your kids help out and your husband and it gives you time back....you really will wo der what to do with the first time it happens. 5 Pray
Two relevant conversations on Focus on the Family from many years ago come to mind.
Dr. Kevin Leman on "Sex Begins in the Kitchen." A husband that does what needs to be done in their home, in terms of cooking, cleaning, helping with the children, etc. connects with his wife's heart.
Dr. James Dobson on "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women." During this discussion, he shared that if they had to make a choice, the vast majority of the thousands of women that he had counselled would forego physical sexual intimacy for meaningful emotional intimacy with their husbands.
This! 100% If only my husband would read those books and take them to heart.
This just makes me want to lash out. I've *always* done a lot of domestic stuff, but my wife couldn't care less! She just expects it, sometimes I feel like I'm parenting her, too!
Don't go telling young people that the husband has to be domestic as well, & the wife will be attracted to him. That's not the way it works!
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your heartfelt comments! We’re here for you if you need us -- 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). Blessings!
What needs to be addressed is the tradition of some people going into marriage to lay down and die. They don't understand that marriage is about new life and living. It's like a small business, it involves constant change.
Having NO expectations is most healthy in my opinion.
Wow! That does not sound like an ideal way to live -- especially at home.
@@howardruns having no expectations is wonderful. It takes the burden and pressure off. I learned in Nar Anon (I'm a mother of a Recovering addict). I now live this way with my husband. It's very freeing. Expectations are not fair to the ppl we love. We basically are saying you have to be the way I expect and if you aren't I am mad and upset and offended.
@@sarahlockridge7879, I kind of hear what you are saying maybe.
If I love someone, in the context of a committed romantic relationship, I definitely have reasonable expectations of them. I have very similar expectations of myself in the context of our relationship.
Otherwise, we may as well be roommates, rather than husband and wife, if a relationship made it there.
Very interesting conversation about intimacy within the boundaries of marriage 🤔
Good for you, important topic!
"But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ"
Ephesians 4:15
Holy Scriptures says we plainly communicate in love.
When we submit ourselves to the leading of the Holy Spirit our spiritual gifts are used to build up and edify each other so that there can be growth in love.
This goes for all areas of our lives.
It is so true touch my Soul and you have my body
Some people are never lucky enough to have someone touch their soul so they settle for who around. That is why the divorce rate is up around 45%
Waiting for the audio book.. 😆
There is another element as well..when a woman hits a certain age there is NO denying the low level of libido due to hormonal changes and no amount of talking and being connected with your spouse will help that..Im not saying every woman but majority need some help hormonally wether thats natural hormone replacement or something similar
We're both older, ( 50s and 60s ) and going from 100MPH. to 0 in the space of 4 years is devastating to me.
@hedgemist691 that's why I said Natural hormone replacement very different than what your doctor will give
Growing up in 80's and 90's . . . All I learned on this topic came from TV, movies, soap operas I wasn't supposed to watch ... Not from my parents
I’m pretty sure that up to a point that is appropriate. Trust me, my dad shared waaay too much with me and it is traumatic.
How are they a Christian couple with different surnames?
In cultures where every issue is handled indirectly meaningful communication in this area is more of an issue.
Not so much in cultures where you look someone in the eye and say
" Here is where you can improve"
What about when illness and especially physical brokenness with the man and the wife??
It is a big problem. Could you hive help on that side please? Thank you!
Jim: “There’s always room for dessert.”
LOL 😂😂😂😂
Some of these stories are cool and applicable no doubt , but it works only when both spouses are engaged to satisfy each other. Other than that, these stories are disconnected from reality.
Both spouses should be engaged to to satisfy each other. If they aren’t, there are often deeper issues that need to be addressed first. The Pastor that did our marriage counseling told us that the relationship should be built from the ground up - Spiritual -> emotional -> physical
What do you do when checking in with your spouse is considered offensive?
Is there a chapter on dealing with disability or illness?
Hi Angela - The book includes a chapter on difficulties, but other resources might address disability or illness more specifically. We have a couple of articles along these lines (bddy.me/369pXcj and bddy.me/3Lvq9m8), and the book Restoring the Pleasure offers practical help for couples facing barriers with intimacy (bddy.me/3oGeSWk). The authors' website has additional resources, as well (bddy.me/3JmrzO5). We hope this is helpful. Blessings!
11:09-13:00
I need this question answered: At what point is the idea of responsibility for the wife to perform a thing, in a similar way that a man has to handle his responsibilities despite how they feel? It is almost impossible to make another person "feel" a type of way, nor should that particular responsibility be placed in the hands of another person. Any ideas on this would be appreciated. Men will do whatever is needed to be intimate. But...If my wife isn't in the mood due to something that happened with the kids, or a girlfriend, or family member, how are we to handle that? I understand that a hard day at work may not have her in the mood when she gets home. But if it has been 4 hrs later, and I am being denied because of a bad work day that had nothing to do with me, how is that ok? Asking sincerely. I would welcome the conversation and perspective
It’s helpful, to me, when my husband takes the time to have a nice conversation, snuggle non-sexually, take care of something on my “to do” list, play with our child while I have a bath (so that I feel clean and attractive), etc. I can just be “on demand” but that’s not emotionally satisfying or fun for me, personally. I hope that provides some insight into your situation.
@@danielleg1504 I respect your answer, and what works for family. That is what is most important! But to respond, i will have to say No it didnt really shed much insight. My question is really could you give him what he needs not in response to any of those things you mentioned being done, but simply because he is in need and it is your responsibility to meet that need?
Basically nobody, wife included, really cares what a man goes through to do his part.
Are Debra and Gary married 🤔...to other people?
Yes
I think they are just co-authors, married to other people not to each other..