How to Disagree Without Destroying Relationships|With Dr. Sean McDowell
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- Опубліковано 7 лют 2025
- When was the last time you had a conversation where you disagreed with someone... and it was respectful?
If there's one thing my good friend Dr. Sean McDowell is passionate about, it's this: how to have productive and respectful conversations with those we disagree with. In the past, this is why I adored apologetics so much. Two people would passionately debate a topic, then set their differences aside with a high five, go to dinner together, and even share pictures of their kids. That kind of camaraderie feels rare today. Many people might fear being "canceled" by their "tribe" or criticized for associating with someone who holds opposing views. Perhaps this shift is because so many spiritual topics have become emotionally charged and unnecessarily divisive. We all sense this tension. And we all feel it. So let's talk about it.
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Thanks for having me, Melissa. Loved this convo and your heart for building good relationships with people!
Terrible tragedy at Abundent Life Christian School in WI. Just this morning in Greensburg PA I saw an ad for gun range saying it makes "a great date night"
I respect your work thank you
@seanmcdowell at 30:08 was the video you were referring to from Nate Sala aka Wise Disciple?
This was a wonderful video. I have been quite ashamed of myself for years now, because I started out a very gentle and patient listener, but through the years I allowed the social climate around me to change that. I did need to become more assertive, but I blew right past assertiveness and went straight into aggression. Obviously the speed with which I spiralled into that cruel way of conversing reveals that my overly agreeable disposition was partially a cover up for some overly disagreeable personality traits buried deep down, so ultimately it just brought my flaws to the light. It’s been a struggle to find the sweet spot, so this conversation is very helpful.
I have a relative with whom I disagree and I have taken what James says about being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. I have left 2 Churches that went affirming, so I know where to draw the line. We cannot compromise the Gospel to become people pleasers. However we can listen and love the lost without agreeing with her or him.
Amen. We must fear the Lord more than the world.
It’s the hardness of their hearts
"Apologetics" gives them the impression that we're willing to apologize for our position. Not enough people bother to look up the exact representation of the name.
When my family member started going off about abortion rights during Thanksgiving, I wish i had said "I love you so much, and I respectfully disagree with you. I won't force you to listen to why I disagree with you, but if you ever have questions I am always here for you. I'm so glad we get this time to be together, life is so short. What else have you been up to?" But instead I just smiled and nodded and excused myself to the restroom.
I’m reading “Gleanings in Genesis” by Arthur W Pink, and in the book, he mentions that some of our enemies, adversaries, will come from our own household and family. That really hurts, to be rejected by family.
That’s me we were all born and raised in the word of faith prosperity Kenneth Copeland Church I named my daughter after Jesse Duplantis from the get-go a baby. I was born into that religion. My eyes were finally opened in 2020 and now I see it’s not what can God do for me it’s what he did for me that mattersbut my family still thinks I’m legalistic because God is love. Yes, we are all sinners. Yes but God is also wrath and he is not OK with sin.
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.
One of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is to seek first to understand, then be understood. This has helped me talk to people who are upset, angry, etc.
I've been listening to people for a few years since I've first seen Sean. I don't know anyone else in my life that listens besides my pastor. It's daunting, it's weighty because of how much I must give since no one else does.
Wonderful interview. We all have people in our lives that we need this style of conversation with. I just don't want to lose those close to me by putting a sword between us. Understanding each other's side is so much better then turning my back on them or affirming them. Thank you!
Solid spiritual boundaries without being a jerk about it. I like that.
Spontaneously, before having watched the video, my thought is that it his is a generational problem: in my generation (in my sixties) and older it is natural to ”agree to disagree ” and still respect eachother. I remember the horror when I the first time (5-10 years ago ) encountered people that couldn’t accept my opinion but started screaming at me….
Now, I will watch the video on this interesting topic
facts!!
@ exactly, discovering the truth through rational discussion or finding the line in opinion between perspective vs taste
I thank you both for this conversation. I have learned much and have been blessed in many different ways. I'm going to save this to listen to again. Christ's peace to both you you !
First objection that comes to my mind is Psalm 1:1 "Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers"
It is one thing to understand. It's even specific to have empathy. But it is another thing to be convinced because you've gone in with empathy and wanting to please a person than when you are needing to stand up for what the Word says. Scripture is so very abandoned these days, I prefer in every encounter with any one who calls themselves a Christian to ask if they base their beliefs at all on scripture. And if they do not, why not?
God bless you! You are are a really good teacher and clearly have a heart for God's purpose in the kingdom.
Thanks, Melissa and Sean! Two of my favorite Christian apologists, having such an important and timely conversation. Merry Christmas!! ❤
Great conversation guys. Thanks for pursuing thru truth while remembering to Love others as ourselves
Can you do a video project about suddenly angry grown children who flip on their values, going woke and learning to despise their (actually pretty decent) “toxic”parents for their faith and blame them for “ruining their entire lives” by raising them with traditional family values? I think it’s an epidemic. It’s a war against God. And there is zero tolerance and lots of punishing cruelty. But yes thanks for this video. There are different situations and hearts.
I will say this doesn't sound too new of an issue. Kids are super rebellious. I was like that too but grew out of it and appreciated what I had. One of my sisters still acts like that when she's drinking but that's it. My parents just gave space
@@nickhutcheson8580 I think the new issue here regarding that topic is just that social media is such a big influence. Now kids have a platform to share and complain with other kids and it fuels their fire and makes them bold in their decision to walk away from parents. And their decision to walk away emboldens other people to do the same and it’s a sad, vicious cycle. But prayers are still heard and God can always turn things around.
I would love to watch a video on this topic. I’m living through this as well 😢
I agree that this would be a great and helpful topic
As someone who has witnessed this and felt some resentment myself (though still Christian and in contact), a lot of it comes down to parents not realizing that things they don’t personally consider hurtful actually ended up hurting their children in some way. That can include accurate theology, not because it’s true (it is) but because of how it’s presented. I know a former church me never who is now estranged and lesbian primarily because when she had questions, her dad was condescending toward her and antagonistic. He said some very hurtful things to her that she told me verbatim. I remember my mom also saying or doing things that she thought nothing of but that haunt me to this day. The kids who turn away aren’t always right, but I think a lot of surprised parents would be less so if they asked without implying that their children are making things up about how they truly feel or think. There’s almost always a reason even if it’s buried deep down.
I commend you both for your kindness, caring, and your efforts. When people live their lives in rebellion against God, and deny the truth of the Bible, what’s the difference between a heretic and a progressive Christian? If they’ve hardened their hearts, and live a lie to serve the lifestyle they desire, how do you broach that? Thanks for the video.
i was always told that the only way to defeat an idea is to fully understand it
I’ve had professionals and otherwise wise people tell me NOT to discover how some people in my life think because I would be entering a dark place!
I agree, some things are better left unsaid and there is a scripture that says we aren’t to even know what people do in the dark. It’s a find line. Apologetics doesn’t save anyone…. Jesus, the Gospel does. If they hear and turn away from the gospel message, we are to wipe the dust off our feet and move on.
Thanks for having Sean Mcdowell on, I'm now exited about his new book. I follow him on utube and watch his show often. Great person for this book, this topic. In that regard I have been checking in with your utube show, as with everybody, it depends on the topic of your show, fir a few years now. I just realize I admire you, and primarily for reasons you discussed today. You're a great person to interview Sean on this book. I just subscribed to your show on utube. Thanks for all you do. I don't always agree but often I do. I don't agree with Sean, or anybody, 100% of the time: I'm a person with my own thoughts feelings and beliefs. That said, I admire your approach with those you agree with as well as other qualities of yours. Thanks again, I've got much ti learn from you as you are more mature on this topic and on others, and in certain areas you are just spiritually more mature.
This was a a great interview from two of my favorite You Tubers! I really enjoyed this. I have a brother who feels quite differently than me about certain political issues. He lives in another city and when I give him a call just to check in, after a few minutes he wants to jump into the latest political controversy. This brother is recently retired so he has the time to intensely watch some of these news channels. I am still working and I am not as current as he with the latest issues and at times my brother can really be annoying with this. I am so glad that I listened to this interview, it gave me some good tips. Thanks so much.
This is timely. Thank you very much for this.
GREAT conversation!!! You always do, Melissa - now I have another helpful UA-cam channel to listen to in Sean's.
First I disagreed with a close family member about the Roman Catholic Church -- she and her husband were adamant that the unbiblical beliefs and practices of Roman Catholics do not necessarily keep them out of heaven. I was particularly concerned about this mindset because they are in Christian ministry themselves, and in a position to influence people who look to them for guidance. After some years, they came into contact with another missionary couple who talked to them about the issue. They changed their minds, and I was glad and relieved.
Now I've discovered that they are all for women in the pulpit. As before I've done all I could to warn them to take the Bible seriously. We need to respect God and His Word. But they insist that it's a matter of opinion, and see nothing wrong with it. They are part of a congregation where there are women in the pulpit. So having spoken and written what I could about the matter, I'll have to be patient and keep praying.
Man, this is a wonderful interview and I'm finding myself wanting to be more like Sean here. This is both inspirational and convicting,
Loved this, thank you! I want to read the book. 😊
Im 2min in and I already know - this is going to be very helpful! Thank you, guys!
Such an awesome conversation! Thank you ❤
This message reached me at the right time. I have pretty much always avoided apologetics because most of the people I've met who really researched it were not approachable, and any time I said anything they didn't agree with, they verbally attacked me. This has not happened one time but several. And just recently, my brother brought a friend of his to our home who was so aggressive to my family and me when we made a statement, my mom started crying and had to kick him out. This last instance seriously discouraged me and took away all motivation to read the Bible. It just seems like any time I try to engage with the Bible openly I get chastised or punished in some way. Why has Christianity caused so much strife and contention in my life between me and others who claim to have a relationship with Christ? I dunno. But I want take the advice from this video and be the listening ear to others that I never had.
Thanks for your work! I wanted more people to cover this. New Thought actually linked to New Age movement originally, but more East openly used in New Age. Both are from Kabbalah Judeo-Masonry: Peale, Carnegie, etc. Tony Robbins is into Kundalini.
Thanks for sharing 🙏🏿
His grace and mercy be upon you both and your loved ones 🕊️🥛🍯
I love when a channel I subscribe to hosts someone from another channel I subscribe to!
I would love to listen to a conversation with Preston Perry
Great conversation!! Thank you
What really saddens me is the phrase, "Oh that's the Old Testament". I think that's got to stop. You can't fully understand the New Testament without understanding the Old Testament. Jesus is In the beginning to Amen in Revelation.
Absolutely! John 5:39.40 Jesus saying: You search the scriptures and in them you think you have life but they are what speak of Me and yet you are unwilling to come to Me so you may have life.
Yes!
I love the Old Testament, and it is the same God
Thank you very much my sister God bless, I'm still praying.
So many people conflate sympathy with empathy. There is a difference.
Melissa and Sean let's goooooo 😎
My dad was one of those Christians who wouldn't listen to anyone else without arguing. Sad thing with that is that I didn't value anything he said
One note I would say to SWING to the Gospel, from these wordly culture convos, is when getting to the point he or you say "Lets agree to disagree" say, "btw did you know that phrase was created by a Christian?" Pause and say, John, "Have you ever really understood the Gospel? Like truly had it articulated rightly?" And then go into it. RayComfort style.
I'm a former staff member of Campus Crusade for Christ known as CRU today. This might sound mean, but how has a desire to engage in dialog currently working inside of CRU today? I'm sadly reminded of the cancelation and cruelly of Sean's father, Josh, when he stepped on the toes of the ruling class there at CRU. There is the ongoing systematic cleansing of all staff members who disagree with the pervasive and ungodly spirit of the social justice gospel that rules the administration. In fact, it is also in attack mode in so many churches now. The opposite side of how we navigate disagreements is fixed on wanting to win and not just listen and talk. People, there is only The Gospel, not a social gospel.
Shame. People trading the eternal kingdom for the temporary world. And teachers leading people astray will be judged the harshest.
Great advice here!
I see Dr. McDowell is a fan of Spiderman (name on his T-shirt) and Batman.
Kindness and charity patience
As a newcomer to the Church, it appears like a lot of Christians are afraid of getting the answer to God's ways wrong, so they follow the herd. Imo God understands we're weak and ignorant, so will judge our intent. A sincere attempt to bring peace through understanding while making mistakes would be loved by God.
Well Christians should not be weak. He will judge you harshly be😢we know the truth and afraid to speak up. It doesn’t matter what your intentions are. You have to be bold and don’t compromise the truth and speak it.
@@rosamaundallen1035 Of course, I was more talking about people who are afraid of making a mistake, so they stay quiet.
@@pagetvido1850My misunderstanding. Sorry.
@@rosamaundallen1035
2 corinthians 12:9-- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I agree with you. We could stand to learn from the Jewish people and their ability to wrestle with God like our mutual patriarch, Jacob. Wrestling entails getting things wrong.
Parents who are caring for children with special needs understand this concept. If you don't, you can't understand and help your child.
yes, the tribe has come for me :)
Politics is a flash point. I just prefer to not jump in that pool. Same with charismatic doctrines. I realize I can't change anyone. I leave it and pray for them (and myself)
The number of negative interactions I’ve had with other believers because they decided to tell me exactly how and why I was wrong the second they learned that I disagreed with them on a secondary or tertiary issue without listening to me at all is disappointing.
Great article❤️
Any advice on how to have productive conversation with other Christians who share extreme conflicting beliefs? I have an issue with shutting people out when I feel like they could be toxic (not that they are toxic). I guess a better way to ask my question is, how do you have these kinds of conversations without becoming defensive as a person. I hope my question makes sense.
Here are seven variations of "Understanding does not equal affirmation," written using principles from Made to Stick-Simple, Unexpected, Concrete, Credible, Emotional, and Story-driven:
---
1. Simple:
"Just because I understand you doesn’t mean I agree with you."
2. Unexpected:
"Understanding your viewpoint isn’t a handshake of approval-it’s just listening."
3. Concrete:
"Listening to your story doesn’t mean I’m signing my name at the bottom."
4. Credible:
"Even therapists know this: understanding your feelings doesn’t mean endorsing your actions."
5. Emotional:
"I hear you, I see you-but I don’t have to co-sign what you’re saying."
6. Story-Driven:
"A mapmaker can know the terrain of a forest but not want to live in it. Understanding is the map-affirmation is a home."
7. Sticky Phrase:
"Listening doesn’t mean loyalty, and understanding isn’t agreement."
---
Each version targets a different angle while staying memorable and clear. Let me know if you want to refine or focus on one!
I think the Bible is more dependable than the writings of M. Scott Peck.
"You will know them by their fruits." (Matthew 7:20)
From Wikipedia: "While Peck's writings emphasized the virtues of a disciplined life and delayed gratification, his personal life was far more turbulent.[6] For example, in his book In Search of Stones,[9] Peck acknowledged having extramarital affairs and being estranged from two of his children. In 2004, just a year before his death, Peck was divorced by Lily and married Kathleen Kline Yeates.[6]"
Should influencers that are saying they’re Christian, then say that same sex marriage is okay, or go against any other CLEAR teaching is okay not be rebuked sharply? That’s biblical. Titus 1:13-14.
There is no such thing as “progressive Christians” either. The truth doesn’t change with time or “progress” with culture. You are either a Christian or not. You don’t add on an adjective to an exclusive belief about Jesus and what He taught, said, and did.
Progressive Christian is an oxymoron.
Hi😎 Have you considered the book , “we need to rethink Ramans 8 “ thank for making people think!
I love my neighborhood. Y'all got problem's.
Depart from evil.
Good advice. Unfortunately there is no chance of conversation with Ruckmanites.
I think it’s also fear of losing one’s job especially if you’re a hand to mouth family. I think it’s fear of being doxed which we see happening so much these days. It’s a fear of personal safety and the safety of loved ones as well because people are detectives nowadays and better than a private detective. When laws aren’t in your side there’s a lot to fear as well
Taking EVERYTHING PERSONALLY, in conversations, is common in our time of individualism.
Anything is a reason to be offended!!
This makes debating very scary. And closes every door to listening, reasoning and possibly changing of mind?😮
I'm almost incapabel of distinguishing between thing/ topic and person...
My( hurt or offended) emotions often get in the way.😢
How can I empathize with someone who believes in a concept that blatantly disregards reality? If someone believes in a fallacy, we have an obligation to tell them it is a fallacy; it is not my problem if they react irrationally to that fact.
Doing it in patience, love and truth.
@HiThereHeyThere doing what though? If I show them they're wrong and they still choose to disregard it: Why would I stick around? Why would I empathize with someone who believes in falsehoods created to subvert the truth? I have an obligation to tell them the truth but I don't have an obligation to help them if they do not want help.
@@panzer00you open with acknowledging their emotions and THEN segue into the logic. Thats whst leading with loving patience can be.
You mean like Christianity?
Such a terrific discussion. I dont think it's possible to agree with even your closest friend on everything. Some of my views, especially those pertaining to my walk with Jesus, are iron clad. Others are still in flux. I think the older we become, the harder it is to be flexible. Judge Judy used to come harder on older jurors who were supposed to 'know better'. When we reach a certain age, we're less likely to be maleable and willing to see another's point of view.
I'm not sure any of this makes sense.
I have watched Sean may times and have questioned why he would have someone of an established view on or seek to even understand an attenable position. As of late, I have grown to understand a little better where he's coming from ...
Good thoughts. The very best example to think about is Jesus Himself. The world hated Him because He declared its deeds to be evil (John 7:7). My desire is to look at Jesus, as described in the Bible and to aspire to walk in His Love and Truth. Come Lord Jesus!
54:30
A ❤
The Bible instructs us to reason together. Those who haven’t surrendered their allegiance to Jesus cannot fully be reasoned with, can they?
great video
25:18 anytime, any place. If you know your stuff you can talk to anyone. Mind you I didn't say debate.
I listened twice…where did he mention Greg koukl? At what time stamp?
Def no need to read or listen to non Christian religionists at all, but also agree with Paul who said he wants to know nothing among you other than Christ.
Theres no need to have these political discussions with unsaved people since theyll cling to their sin loving views. I only want to share the Gospel, because who cares of their beliefs if they'll die tomorrow. Their eternitynis at stake. So....Once saved, get them in a church to get discipled, and God will transform them as he reveals truth to them.
Would he die on any hill? A lot of what he says feels like a very comfortable way to be a Christian the world loves.
I will have conversations with others, but make sure to include the gospel. I get from the word THAT is of utmost importance(it is the power that saves). Not writing books and having warm, fuzzy conversations.
But, we should be kind in the conversations and include the gospel while doing so.
❤❤
That is probably his #1 critique from other Christians honestly.
I’m in need of grace and there are hills i refuse to climb. I forgive most and understand how sin is suffocating. But I struggle with ppl who harm kids. I can’t accept anything about them. Honestly I feel like the demons of hell have been released and ppl are losing faith and respect.
Do most progressive christians even know that they are progressive?
Do they know in what ways their progressive beliefs differ from the Bible/traditionell christian beliefs?
Maybe we can ask for their view on a specific matter and instead of telling them " how it is", say " So you see it this way, my way/ the traditionell christian interpretation is..". Make it kind of a neutral comparison?
1:37 it's not a fight so no need to put your foot down
32:23 " there will be no other sign other than that of Jonah" jesus said. Go reread the book of Jonah.
I’m pretty sure we cannot avoid offending others because Jesus didn’t (Matthew 15:12). Conversation with them was not possible because Jesus’s counsel was to “leave them”. We should never want to offend anyone. But offenses are sometimes necessary and will come.
39:29 isn't that what jesus did throughout his ministry and ultimately with his death on the cross. He empathised with sin. If you can't then you should reassess your beliefs.
29:36 you preach with your conduct as a Christian not by word of mouth. Let them see the light in you an yearn to be Christian like you.
This one is hard for me. How do we navigate it as a husband and wife? My husband follows the "deliverance ministries" and believes Christians can be demon possessed. That's a hard no for me.
So sorry you’re in that position. 😞 l’m reminded of 1 Peter 3:1 which the Holy Spirit can only help us do. Trust and lean on God for all of this. Let Him do the heavy lifting. ❤
Using the advice of this video, ask him questions genuinely curious, nor debating, so he feels that you'd be ready to change your mind if you're wrong. That's a genuine non-loaded conversation. Ask him questions, watch the videos he recommends, try to change your own mind... that's the art of critical thinking not afraid of being wrong. After a few weeks, he might calm down his own perspectives as well as yours, and the convo will be open and more beautiful. Truth isn't afraid of listening to different opinions. It doesn't need to mean you'll change your mind, but at least be genuinely be open to it. Your husband will pick up on subconscious verbal and body language cues
Always point him and people like him to the Bible and what it says about Christian doctrine. Anything that focuses heavily on something that is not the Gospel of Jesus Christ and what means to to mean to be a follower of Christ they need to leave it alone.
@@miracles_metanoia I am okay with listening to different opinions, but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm open to changing my mind on this particular topic.
Whether it's true or not, deliverance can help people kick sins, addictions etc. Whether it's placebo or not. @BobbiMac08
27:54 he'd not be as he is if god did not will it so. Only god can judge him.
Think I’ve made some pretty cordial and valid comments on here and you blocked them. Maybe go find them in your blocked comments and just because you disagree I don’t think I deserved that as a follower of Jesus
The problem w/much of the disagreements is the spread of simple irrationality (2+2=5, good is bad, bad is good, male is female, female is male, etc, etc). There's really no rational way to deal w/it.
The only avenue is the Gospel. If saved, sanity restored, renew their mind to truth via Scripture
True, but you can understand the emotional rationale behind these things without claiming the LOGIC is rational. It may not be, but there will STILL always be an emotional rationale that can be understood. That is to say, you read between the lines to see what wounds are opening up and speaking like mouths from within that person, and then you speak to that, and dont get distrscted by only thinking about how it doesnt make intellectual sense. Once someone sees that you understand whede they are coming from emotionally, they wont see you as an enemy, and if they dont see you as an enemy, they can hear the actual substance of your words without being in fight or flight mode.
Religion is irrational. Leave it behind.
41:08 question does the Human soul have a gender? Didn't jesus say that in the hear after there will be no marriage because people will be like the angel. Stop splitting hairs.
Melissa, I instantly thought of how nasty Alistair Begg was treated by a certain sector of Christians after commenting on his advice to the grandmother of a homosexual grandson. He advised her to go to his wedding, because it was important for her to guard the love. In guarding her love for her grandson, she guarded her influence for Jesus in his life.
I was disappointed in the nasty ridicule AB was slammed with. However, I was not shocked for the very reason you stated. Social media gives the hammers a place to slam nails.
1 cor 5 delineates between the non believer and the heretical/actively sinning believer, why dn it apply to ppl like Brandon?
If you're more concerned "relationships" than following Christ, you're not a very good Christian
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."...Romans 12:2
I agree, but it isn't conforming to the world to maintain your own strong faith while also playing the long game (aka just not ARGUING every time you see them. Which is not conforming.) to win someone you care about over to Christ by displaying Christ's love and patience. Think of how patient God has been with us and our constant trespasses against Him. It isn't a sin to be patient for the sake of a relationship that has importance. So long as you still stand firm in your own faith.
Dude's full of crap.
Do you have a way to articulate what you actually mean to say? Because that statement says nothing, that's just cursing.
Finding thoughtmates is harder than finding a husband...😂😂It's about time we unpacked that because we are Christians claiming the same values and doctrine. How did theology make so many enemies?
It’s like fighting, two ppl start fighting and it spreads to others. Part of the problem is that problems are easily shared on social media. My second cousin left his wife and kids claiming to be gay, he used social media to justify his decisions with his fellow seminary graduates by his research of biblical teachings. Unsantified hearts draw irrational conclusions on all sides.
@awethinic8379 It's usually the most logical people who show themselves to be irrational