“I’m Like A Receptionist For My Mind” - Steven Wright, After A Few Cups Of Coffee
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- Опубліковано 20 чер 2024
- Legendary comedian Steven Wright makes his first appearance on The Late Show, much to the delight of superfan Stephen Colbert. Watch as they talk about everything from Johnny Carson to Jesus, and how coffee helps ignite Steven’s joke-writing process. Steven Wright’s first book, “Harold,” is available now.
#Colbert #StevenWright #Harold #Books #Coffee
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Stephen Colbert brings his signature satire and comedy to THE LATE SHOW with STEPHEN COLBERT, the #1 show in late night, where he talks with an eclectic mix of guests about what is new and relevant in the worlds of politics, entertainment, business, music, technology and more. Featuring bandleader Louis Cato and “THE LATE SHOW band,” the Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-nominated show is broadcast from the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. Stephen Colbert took over as host, executive producer and writer of THE LATE SHOW on Sept. 8, 2015. - Розваги
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize”. A true genius and great guy.
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried". Pure genius.
That one was him? That has been stored in my head for decades and I thought it came from a comic.
“My uncle was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus, and when he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car.” - Steven Wright 🤣
"Everything is within walking distance ...
If you have the time."
Wright is a genius. Here's another old favorite of mine: the other day I made instant coffee in a microwave oven. I almost went back in time.
LOL
Epic
I think that might be my favorite of all time. It blows peoples' minds.
One of mine too! I was going to post it, but saw yours ❤😂
I bought used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
“ There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.”
"I put spot remover on my dog and now he's gone" ..stuck in my head🤪
I was just thinking that! And he would act like he was moving a chair and yell Go on through! Or pull his shirt out and yell I’ll be right in into his chest. Love him!
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.”
- Steven Wright
Another round of bread and circus..
'I had a pony named Nikki!'
Some people don't know the difference they make. I was 17, driving cross country alone, scared and having a really bad day. When I finally got to a hotel, I turned on the TV. Steven Wright was on and I laughed and laughed... and felt so much better. Thank you for the joy!
Since smiling causes serotonin to be released into one's brain, it makes you feel better even if you don't mean it.
Glad you made that hotel on that trip! Found some "comfort food" to enjoy.
May all your road trips go well in the future. 😊
@@jhandle4196
Yes. Act happy and you often end up actually happy. Usually turns out better to act happy than grouchy. Everyone else enjoys you more.
that’s a very cool story
I thought that was the beginning of a Steven Wright joke.
One of Wright's golden oldies: "Walked into a restaurant that had a sign saying, 'Breakfast any time.' So I ordered French toast during the renaissance."🤣
Perfect !
I remember it as French toast in the Middle Ages
Memory is fallible. It was in fact "the Renaissance." @@Mary-oc5ns
they stole that line in Swingers
Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
What a great comedian! One liner that stuck with me, “Why do they call them apartments, when they build em all together?” 🤯 😂 🤣
Also, why do we drive on Parkways, but we park in driveways?
Both of those are Gallagher. Another funny 80s comedian:
"Why do we call them 'buildings' when they're done building them. Oughta call 'em 'builts'."
"Cargo goes by ship. A shipment goes by truck. You have a 'pair of panties', but just one 'bra'."
"Why do they call it a 'TV set' when you only get one?"
"Teacher said we were gonna learn to read, and our first word was 'big'. Oh boy! She put three letters on the chalkboard and said it was big. I said, 'hey, that's little'. She said, 'no, this is little' and wrote a word that was twice as big. I said to myself, 'this is gonna be hard...'"
"I went to a restaurant that offered breakfast anytime. I ordered French toast in the Renaissance."
That’s my FAVE: French toast in the renaissance 😂😂😂❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉
@@luciamiller1555 yes!
My favorite Wright bit When I was a kid we had a sand box.....it was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually...
YES!
The best!
"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer..."
I always feels like he wants laugh,😂 it’s better to make jokes that you enjoy, ppl will follow. He’s hilarious, i started getting into him a few years ago. I love when he does interviews.
My favorite Steven Wright, "I used to make ice cubes, but I lost the recipe."
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to mix it with
0ne Steven Wright joke that sticks with me is: “I think it’s wrong that only one company sells Monopoly”.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory, it was great but you couldn't park anywhere near the place
I love his joke about naming his dog stay....'come here, stay..'
I'm fond of the one where he was going to walk his dog across the country, get back home and tell him "that's it, you're done." I think about it whenever I have to walk my dog in the rain.
"Ever get that feeling where you lean back in your chair, and you feel like you're almost gonna fall over?..."
" I feel that way all the time."
-Steven Wright
By wearing two different thicknesses of socks at the same time
That's one of my all time favorites- here's another one; "Some people are afraid of heights...I'm afraid of widths!"
@@774kblake I went to the store to buy a shirt...the sales lady asked me what size I wear..I said extra medium.
That is precisely the way that I feel whenever I smoke weed.
@@markherring3513"I think I'm having a case of Deja Vu and amnesia all at the same time..."
Omg, lmfao, that "electric chair" joke was delivered in the perfect deadpan manner mastered only by comedic legends of eras past.
' l bought a humidifier and a dehumidifier and put them in my living room. Figured l'd let them duke it out.' A master of the absurd!
Classic
This one was one of my dad's all-time favorite jokes by any comedian.
"I added wax to the humidifier, and now my room is all shiny".
ive actually done this... but they had thermohygrometers so the humidifier would go on when it dropped below 40 percent. And the dehumidifier when it went above 45. Was for regulating my reptile room, but nonetheless I did find humor in the notion of running two devices that perform an opposite function
@@phorestpsy My neighbor, Bryan Suson, has a mess of reptile rooms.
You know how you know this man is a legend? Whenever a comedian comes on a late night show, people will write what the comedian said in the clip in the comments below. This is the first time I've seen people posting what someone's said for the past several decades. Amazing. One of the funniest comment sections ever, period. All written by Steven.
Agreed! this is a great read... my eyes awe watering 🤣
"My Grandma said, come here Steven: here's ten dollars and don't tell your mother. I said, it'll cost you more than that."
Laugh? I thought I'd need an ambulance! 😂
A national treasure..."I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
CLASSIC! :)
Similar to a joke I once heard a doctor telling ( in a pub, after a few drinks!)...
The doctor sees his patient on his round. "Mr Jones, I have bad news and good news"
"Give me the bad news first"
"We amputated the wrong foot first, but still had to remove your other one I'm afraid"
"Oh my god. What possible good news could there be?"
"The guy in the next bed wants to buy all your shoes".
I haven't heard that one and it's great.
It's especially good because it doesn't require perfect delivery, it's funny all by itself.
Before you criticize a man, you should walk a mile in his moccasins. That way you’ll be a mile away, and he can’t chase you because he won’t have any shoes.
"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name" - Steven Wright
OMG🤣.KILLING ME that is comedy genius
@guyrose6602 - My brother is a lawyer and likes all of Steven's jokes, except for the one you just quoted 😂🤣. Steven's non sequitur line of dark humor: "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize" always amuses me because of it's absurdity.
I watch this on UA-cam over breakfast. I was just about to take a sip of coffee when he said "I like to read music and listen to books." My hand just stopped while picking up the mug and I froze with it half way to my mouth and stayed that way for a full five seconds.
Yes, great mind 😊
That one got me too. I just froze in contemplation for a while
My favorite Steven Wright joke: "My grandfather once asked me how old I was. I told him I was 5. He said at your age I was 6. Then he cackled madly and threw a wooden spoon at the wall. He was an odd man."
Genius.
“Jesus loves you because he doesn’t know you”
That is the single greatest punchline in history.
That Korean father is straight up savage.
I’d buy that bumper sticker.
@@DynaGirl2000 for sure..!
@@ChubbyUnicorn 😂
I enjoyed the entire interview, but that one made me laugh 😂
Steven Wright: "You can't have everything. Where would you put it ?"
Oh man, I love that joke! Didn’t know that was him that said that! What a legend!
@@yogab one that has stuck with me is, "I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.'"
What do you add to instant water.
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."
After seeing Steven Wright in the 80s I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
*"I like to skate on the other side of the ice.”*
I'm glad to see him.
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
" I told my girlfriend I was going out, she asked for how long, I said the whole time"
This is the first time in the history of watching Stephen Colbert that I immediately started to search for a book his guest came to promote.
For some reason, the Steven Wright joke I remember even after all these years is the bit where he has this cute dental hygienist and, to prepare for his cleaning, eats an entire bag of Oreo cookies.
Did that get turned into a scene in Seinfeld?
I love that one! The one that stuck with me is “Everywhere is within walking distance if you’ve got the time.”
"One time my grandmother gave me 5 dollars and said 'don't tell your parents' " - "I said 'that'll cost ya more than 5 dollars ' "
"If you're driving at the speed of light... And you turn your headlights on... Will they do anything?"
Someone broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact replicas.
I'll never forget when I saw him live & he was playing his guitar, and suddenly started bouncing the spotlight off it into the audience. Then deadpanned, "It didn't do that when I bought it." The level of intelligence to suddenly come up with things like that is astounding.
Been a fan of Steven Wright for decades.
Just now realizing how much I miss him.
Remembering his joke about having been born Caesarian, how it hasn't affected him much, but that he always leaves a house through the window.
I LOVE that 😂❤🎉😂❤🎉
One of the lesser known jokes of his that I’ve long remembered as well. 👍🏽😂
You make it sound like he has passed away. He is still very much alive and kicking.
@@weary1 No, he's just fallen off my radar, and I had overlooked his absense in my life. Nothing to do with him, all my fault and definitely my loss. I'm glad I still have opportunity to appreciate him.
One of my favorite mindbending "jokes"of his: "What's another word for thesaurus?"
Ahahaha! So fricken clever!
American media is a psyop..
It’s low IQ escapism..
What about: "is there a synonym for synonym ?
One of the funniest comedians ever. Glad to see him still making this world a happier place!
Master of the "deadpan delivery".
FLUSH
Wondering what the reaction from the band was for the "read music and listen to books."
@@ianthesoccerref They reacted somehow, since he pointed to them. Made me curious, too.
And smaller, bringing us together. ...Still wouldn't want to paint it, though.
"I got a paranoid golden retriever, he brings back everything cause he isn't sure what I threw."
Actually got to see Steven Wright at Ding Ho's way back in the '80's - a true original and funny as hell.
I used to live near the Ding Ho in Inman Square. They used to have comedy and live music at night. Never ate there but did hear bands play there.
It's so good to see Steven Wright again after all these years. Great comedian and always loved his sense of humor and timing. Can't wait to read his book.
First off, my last name is severine so I thought we were related for a second...
Totally watch Louis CKs Horace and Pete. It's about a dive bar that's been handed down through generations. A lot of the show is just the conversations between the regulars who come into the the bar. One of em is Steven Wright, who is always there drinking water that they pour out of a Jameson bottle. Then they do this episode where Horace and Pete basically play their parents back in the 70s. All the regulars are different, but Steven is still sitting at the end of the bar looking the same age.
And Alan Alda plays an old school homophobe/racist... Must see.
@@dresinss Thanks for that suggestion. I will watch it.
He used to really crack me up before anyone else knew who he was. The deadpan delivery is classic.
@@dresinss - Yes! A rare and _brilliant_ show. I forgot our guy was in it. Thanks for the reminder, I'm overdue for a rewatch.
Pay Attention Grasshoppers, This is How to Be an Outstanding Comedian Without Offending Anyone! Thank You Steven Wright!
I am sure some Jesus lovers would find offence.
@@canadaclaret I'm Christian, and I thought it was pretty funny... :)
@@madnessbydesign1415 Stephen is Christian, too. He's Catholic, which is like O.G. Christian. I didn't say they would all be offended, just some. The self-righteous holier than thou types. You know the kind that are all anti-gay but usually secretly gay. The kind that take offence to show how upright they are. It's a good joke and most people would agree. I'm just responding to the idea that nobody would be offended by Wright, which I think might be an over-statement.
@@canadaclaret Oh, I understand. And I agree that the most 'offended' are typically the most guilty. I just like to remind people that not all of us are self-righteous douchebags, screaming about "God hates X". Some of us actually enjoy a good joke... :)
Have a few favorite one-liners of his, but one that sticks out is, "I just bought a cordless extension cord."
“I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes”
This is a good trick in practice too, if the plant soil is dry and you need to slow it down to let it soak in rather than fall straight through to the table ruining it
I had the the honor of seeing Steven and Mitch Hedburg perform in the same night.
Have you recovered yet?
Wow!
🤯❤
I’m envious
Wow, what an honor
The Steven Wright jokes that stuck with me:
There is a light switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. I was flicking it on and off the. I got a call from a woman in Germany telling me to cut it out.
My house is powered by static electricity. When I want to make toast I have to rub a ballon on my jumper.
I use that first one on people all the time, and they think I'm being serious until I get to the punch line. My wife rolls her eyes every time I start telling it.
This is the one I remember the most as well!
"I went to a museum of children's art. It was all up on refrigerator doors."
He needs to do the Colbert Questionnaire!!! The answers would be epic!
I was thinking the same thing.
YES!
Please, yes.
Yes!!!
No one thinks like Steven Wright, he's just on a whole other plane of existence from the rest of us
I’ve always loved his humor
Steven Wright is a comic genius. "I'm going to get a full-body tattoo...only taller."
"It's a shame that whole families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
Hahahahaha
That's Jack Handey, one of his Deep Thoughts.
Definitely Jack Handy, but I see how you got there. 😂😂
My favorite from back in the day was when he said he put his car key in his house and drove it around for a little bit ….. so good
What a fabulous segment! It's so lovely to see him again. There are far too many of his one-liners that I adore, but my all-time favourite might actually be:
"I just bought a packet of powdered water, and I don't know what to add." 😆
My favourite was when he bought a house in the middle of the freeway. It was nice but he had to leave his drive at 70mph.
And he yelled at people to get the hell out of his driveway,
I remember the one where he accidentally put his car key in the door of his apt and the building started up. So he took it for a drive. It's my best remembered of his bits. That's not the whole thing but it does have him parking it on the expressway. Definitely go hear him do it all again! I never heard him do the bit you wrote, but it's very similar.
@@markherring3513 That was the end of the joke I just wrote about.
@@RetroDawn I know.
To my mind, Wright's best joke ever is: "I plan to live forever. So far, so good."
“The other day I... uh, no, that wasn’t me.” - Steven Wright
That was one of my favorites that I used all the time... still do 😂
OHHH I remember that one!!!!!!
The inverse of “About four years ago I…wait, no, it was yesterday.”
What a spectacular person to give the Colbert Questionert! Please have him back for it, we need to KNOW Steven…
Hadn't heard from him in years. So happy that he's still around. Loved his deadpan delivery. 3:07
Everything that comes out of this man's mouth is brilliant. The best thing about his comedy is its intelligence; there is always a little pause after his delivery while the audience catches up.
I've been a fan since I first heard him in the late '80s, and I never get tired of his material. He makes his audiences work -- between the mind contortions, philosophical deep thought exercises, and abdominal workout from laughing, you go home exhausted!
Steven Wright was my favorite male comedian of the 80’s and I’ve laughed that hard again watching this interview! Please have him on the show more often! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🤣🤣🤣
There is a TON of his stuff on youtube, including amazing interviews with Craig Ferguson
"I have a sea shell collection. I keep it scattered all over the beaches of the world." 😄
I’ve rarely seen Stephen laugh as hard as he at that Jesus joke.
Jesus only loves you because he doesn't know you 😂
He laughed so hard he choked. Thats no small feat.
That WAS "Comedy Gold" right there - Loved it.
As a Catholic, he couldn't help himself 😂🤣
@@markconforti7614 - he meant Colbert (hence the 'ph') but Steven Wright also laughed quite a bit in his recent interview/podcast with Bill Burr . Another one worth checking out.
“My friend is a radio DJ. When he walks under bridges, you can’t hear him talk.”
"I stayed up late last night, playing poker with Tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died."
Brilliant
I remember hearing that one when it was fresh!
Great how Stephen (ph balanced) adjusted his energy and pacing to Steven’s and leaned into the awkward pauses. Beautiful!
"Jesus loves you because he doesn't know you."
Writing that one down. ✏😆
Forget coffee, I bet he'd be sidesplitting on weed.
He just said he loves it...I think. And I do bet he loves weed too !!!!!! Lol
My stand-up joke about Jesus is...
"I have this problem...
I was raised Hindu and Jesus loves me, but I don't love Jesus,
and I'm not sure how to tell him.
I can't pray to him.
But don't worry, I do like Jesus.
And it's great that we share the same complexion."
@@janlee6455 Why not both, I'm retired and get to wake and bake every morning
I'm thinking I should make that into a t-shirt. Of course with it as a quote giving the credit where it is due.
My favorite Steven Wright one liner was: "I know when I'm going to die, my birth certificate has an expiration date on it".
Such a pleasure to see Steven Wright on your show. Please invite him back.😊
I love his surreal way of thinking.
Surreal but still relatable and enjoyable for all ❤
@@mdaddy775 Absolutely!
"I have a map. Actual scale. One mile equals one mile".
- Steven Wright
spent an entire year folding it
“The present is a past factory.”
👍🤣✌️
Flew right over the audience's head.
@@worthless_opinionIt sold at least one copy of the book.
👍📖🤣
That may be the most thought provoking SW joke I have ever heard and that is really saying something
I hope he drinks a lot more coffee, writes another book, and is back on the show really soon
Me too !
He's brilliant. Hasn't lost his magic.
"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
Love, just love Steven Wright. A fan for decades.
I didn't know he was still alive. Turns out,he didn't either.
Two Stevens do make a Wright. 😂
Steven wright is a national treasure. Never been and doubtful there ever will be a comic genius like him. His deadpan delivery I’ve never seen with the possible exception of buster keaton. But buster keaton didn’t use words. Steven wright uses sets ups, deadpan delivery AND words. Just a plain old funny guy
I’ve been a Steve Wright fan since the 80s. Now hearing his view on coffee I love him even more.
“Everything is within walking distance if you have the time.”
"We have cars that park on driveways, and cars that drive on parkways."
"So, I turned the key in my apartment door and it started right up. So I decided to drive it around for a little while. A cop pulled me over, said where do you live? I said right here."
- Steven Wright
Making Steven Wright laugh has to be an amazing feeling as a comic.
I have been laughing at Steven Wright's one-liners nearly my whole life. I was in high school when he hit the scene. I honestly did not know he was still around. No new stand-up for quite a while. But the dude has a brain that makes me laugh all. the. time. I guess I will be purchasing the audio book.!
Hearing him deliver the text would be a must-have.
"honestly"
Awesome to see comedy legend Steven Wright on Late Night! That voice and unique style, there’s no comparison. I still remember his one liners I heard in the 80s/90s. His jokes are timeless (or as Steven says “the present is a past factory” 😂)
He has so, so many.....but the one that got me......."no matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
I'm from the Netherlands, never heard from Steven Wright but surely I'm going to look for more content. His one liners are gold!
Life-long fan of Steven. He's a comedian's comedian. I just love the way his mind works.
"I think coffee is one of the best things about being alive." -- Wise words.
Steven Wright has always been one of my favorite people-- truly a comic genius! ❤❤❤
I'm pretty sure I caught that episode of Carson when Steven Wright made his TV debut in 82. He's kept me laughing with every joke he tells.😂👍
Steven is great,
But Stephen's "Lot of people would love to see me dead" bit was golden.
Colbert’s improv and off the cuff skills are insane, that’s what makes him such a great host
@bobxyzp It sure as hell isn't his relentlessly unfunny limousine liberal lectures masquerading as jokes.
@@plev10 Triggered much? LMAO!
@@plev10You poor person.
@@plev10 Get some rest.
My quote is "history keeps getting longer."
That "electric" bit is the first time I've uncontrollably laughed out loud in front of my computer in a long time.
Same.
And a few minutes later, it happened again: "Jesus loves you ... because he doesn't know you."
Same here
I heard the electric chair bit years ago by Henry Youngman.
Wright has always been brilliant!
Best eight minutes of my year so far.
Stephen gets Steven to really laugh twice, which is great, and Steven gets Stephen to laugh harder than I've seen for a loooong time.
Gonna have to read that book now.
"This was George Washington's axe. Of course I had to replace the handle... and the blade."
Never thought I would laugh so much at two people arguing over which is the better way to spell their name.
"Every now and then I stick my head out the window, look up to the sky and smile for satellite photographs." 😂
He was one of the best guests to appear on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. He might be the most purest joke teller to ever do stand-up comedy.
very true. he really enjoyed Craig. I've never seen Steven laugh that much
It's incredibly rare that I hear an interview that makes me want to buy a novel, but I'd like to read what this guy wrote. :)
We all have our favorite Steven Wright bits. Mine starts with "Women come from another planet...it is a very moist planet..."
Even in conversation, everything Mr. Wright says is funny.🤣🤣🤣🤣
My fav SR joke - I used to live next door to a mime. I turned my stereo up all the way with nothing on; it drove him crazy.
"i lost a buttonhole."
I bought me some powdered water the other day...
But I didn't know what to add.
“The sky is falling! No, I’m just tipping over backwards...”