3 Misconceptions About Enmeshment
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- Опубліковано 25 чер 2024
- (which are IMPORTANT to understand if you are trying to heal from family enmeshment). Family enmeshment is often misunderstood. Understanding enmeshment is very helpful if you are healing from an enmeshed family.
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via UA-cam, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.
This is excellent. My therapist uses this term a lot and I've had some difficulty trying to understand what exactly it means. My family on the surface appears close, functional and and everyone does what they are expected to do, but the reality is there is a lot of criticism, gossip and manipulation going on behind the scenes. I don't really know anyone in my family and they don't know me because it's not really safe to share anything about yourself. It was terribly confusing growing up thinking there must be something wrong with me, why do I feel uncomfortable around my family when everything seems fine? No one is in jail, my parents are still together, everyone gets along and shows up for holidays. I'm learning all this now at 35 but I feel like I could have gone the rest of my life just feeling internally uncomfortable and not having a sense of self if I hadn't had the good fortune to travel far away for work and find a good therapist. It's an insidious family system.
Thank you for sharing. I think many people will be able to relate to your comment. So glad the video was helpful, and that you are on your road to healing!
Katie, you are definitely not alone. My family dynamic is slightly different from yours, but what you wrote so beautifully resonates with me fully.
Enmeshing parents see the child's life as "food" to eat and to degustate and not to create something together. Enmeshment goes in only one choosed of the abuser direction and is extremely hard to stop. Thank You!!
Yes. And you are welcome!
It is exactly that! I wonder if a good ten year therapy to differentiate from a fusional family is actually successful if you end up not talking to them at all. They cut you off for being or becoming yourself. They dont help and they dont enjoy your progress. Then you cut them off because you choose a functional future instead of a toxic, jealous, intrusive, present. You cut off because you are not the same person whereas they never change.
How wonderful you've done the work! Unfortunately, sometimes cut off is needed.
i believe this is my enmeshed husbands fear. if he stands up for himself and asserts himself then they will all cut him off
If they're toxic, it's not a bad decision if you cut them off at least for a while. My family was very demanding of me while giving nothing in exchange. I worked alone in life and I bought my own house with 35 and I had a boyfriend, too. Results my mother was very envious of me and she ruined all my plans. I realized once again that I couldn't trust her. I should have never told her anything about. If you keep in contact with a narcissist, talk about the weather.
I resonate soo much with this comment. It s hard, yet harder seems to be to get rid of all the ' bad stuff' they left in us...
Absolutely great video. I want to add another misconception, which is that enmeshment is primarily about giving negative reinforcement in response to a family member exhibiting undesired behaviors. In my experience, it is actually the way in which POSITIVE reinforcement is used that makes enmeshment so sinister, as well as discreet. Growing up, i recieved tremendous amounts of love, praise, and support if I expressed desirable behaviors - whether or not they felt right to me. However, if i expressed undesirable behaviors or thoughts, my family would essentially dissociate from my presence completely, and only return to being present and loving once I buried the "unaceptable" feeling and returned to the status quo.
The way I have heard it explained is that while the boundaries within the family are very weak to nonexistent (in incest families), there is a rigid boundary around the family, and rigid rules and roles that members are not permitted to deviate from.
Yes, that is a good explanation as well!
Interesting! I grew up in an Enmeshed Family and they're still trying to keep me in the enmeshed system with my father as the 'head' even though I'm happily married with my own adult child. I had to put up strong boundaries to keep them from interfering 3 times a day. They still think I need to be brought back into their cultish family system where everyone has to think the same. So glad I'm out and have done a lot of healing work in therapy.
So awesome to hear about your healing work! How wonderful you put in the time and effort. I wish you the best!
This is wonderful. So many lights went off watching this. I have always labeled this as being an insular family. Is that another concept? I also cannot count how many times my mother would say I was not 'being myself' if I did not act the way she wanted me to.
Conversely, she would say, ' You were really being yourself today' if how I was that day agreed with her idea of who I should be. It was EXHAUSTING. I never felt free to be myself. If I was, it was mocked, so I would escape with friends. The message I always received, whether verbal or non-verbal, was to follow what was expected. On boundaries, I had to be very careful because my mother would sneak into my things and, find them and then confront me. One time, she read a journal of mine and then did that. I felt so violated. I never left anything out again, hiding books, letters, etc., in a locked chest. All of these things were extremely difficult, and through time, therapy, and lots of work on myself, I have come to a place where I feel better, but it's a process. I will note that with my children, I completely respect their privacy and treat them this way. My goal with them was always to give them space and honor who they are.
Thank you for your videos on enmeshment. This is a core issue that my own life has been centering around. I naturally went through an individuation process that helped me stay sane (for lack of a better word) through navigating myself within the scope of enmeshed family dynamics. Your are the first person who has actually addressed individuation as the opposite of enmeshment. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and all the suffering to make sense of family dynamics was worth it. Thank you!!
Your voice is warmly alive which is as helpful as the important things you share. Thank you. k
So nice of you to say so. I hope the videos are helpful!
Excellent! My family exactly, I was the only one that questioned the craziness of my disfunction family.
Yes, a truthteller... I was one in my family as well...
I felt I had to cut off mother because she did to much evils on repeat. She doesn’t want to apologize or learn a different way or change.
"The bond that you share with your family is one of love and joy in each others life. Very rarely do members of one family stay under the same roof" Paulo Coelho
Always calm, peaceful, wise and sweet. Eternal Blessings dear Barbara..
😂 I wish I was ALWAYS that way! (I'm working on it!) But thank you for your kind comment. I do wish you all the best!
13:34 Being cut off from your own emotions IS the root of the problem for one struggling to overcome an enmeshed family system. There's no room for individuation and creativity because it threatens the public image a rigid family must project.
Being a pariah and being cut off from the family is a paradox, being cut off and being a 'former' member at the same time. It is like a chain and ball that follows you around because your family name is part of your identity.
Separating the familial emotions ingrained since your formative years from the stunted nascent emotions that weren't allowed to express themselves then would be a possible solution. It can be a long and arduous task. Changing the family name is a hard first step, but a necessary one.
I've been estranged from my family for 7 years now. In therapy.
Thank you.
Wishing you the best. I hope therapy helps to bring internal peace.
Usually with a cut-off thing at least in my family and a few other families that I've had dealings with they will Gaslight and absolutely convinced everybody that that person is the crazy uncle or the crazy one or the one that was always in trouble or you know something like that they'll try and vilify the person and you know say you're a young child who came into the family after that person was cut off then you have no idea so of course you're afraid of that person or you avoid them at all costs or something it's almost like a flying monkey saying with narcissist you know like we don't talk about Bruno
Completely resonates ❤
Amazing video! My in-law family and their extended family are clearly enmeshed. It's like textbook material! My family also has some enmeshment issues that I need to explore more now that I'm seeing the light. Thank you for this fantastic, enlightening information.
Good luck !
Thank you 👏🙏
You're welcome 😊
Thank you for this.
You are welcome!
Great video
Superb as usual.. never heard of enmeshment before
Sounds interesting. I walked away from my son's enmeshed family (he probably learned it from me as I was raised in a very unhealthy family). Then they refused to communicate or respond when I tried to make peace from a healthier place a couple of years later. I'm fine alone but the stress of that period of time contributed to a small heart attack which forced me to get healthier too. I feel bad that I've lost my grandchildren but one is still living in their home, where I lived for a brief time. That was when I saw the unhealthy enmeshment up close and personal. There are things we can't control, but I'm in a much healthier place. A lifetime of learning has made it easier to have healthy boundaries, and avoid unhealthy people. But I don't seem to find many healthy people in my apartment building...most are not.
Sorry to hear about the family situation, so painful and how wonderful for you to work through it! Wishing you the best!
Very good one
Thank you! Cheers!
I went back to my disfunctional family... As in to help clarify situations and and... Well guess what? They almost lapidate me... I realized all the lies my mom told me were happening... And I was like Jesus when... These people don t need a rescuer... Or any solutions psychology oriented, as your courses, or therapy... They seem to be so deep in their mess... As I said... I packed my suitcase and never even called them again. Now the hard thing is to heal from this -rescuer role, or caretaker role... The super hero role I left out fibromialgia... Soo complicated, when we feel we have to give more than is needed😢...
Well, I kinda like this better than simply calling myself brainwashed. I could write a book, but one of the things I've had taken from me by the "enmeshment" is my words.
So sorry to hear that... I wonder how you can reclaim those words...? I hope the video was helpful!
@@BarbaraHeffernan yes, I did, thank you. I used to be an avid writer. I hope it's a part of me I can find again and that I can also overcome the physical muteness.
@@BarbaraHeffernan I'm not sure if links are acceptable, but if you are interested, the last thing I wrote is published online. 'Dear Doctor: a letter from a survivor of sexual trauma to all medical professionals'. I miss the girl who wrote it. I am working on finding her again.
I'll look it up. Thanks.
Can EMDR help heal enmeshment? Is there anything else you’d recommend? I’ve just signed up to virtual emdr thanks to your channel 💚
Hi! I'll be interested in knowing how Virtual EMDR works for you! Overall, therapy works on a lot of enmeshment concepts. I'm also launching a new Boundaries program which is geared for people who grew up in enmeshed families. Taking new actions with healthy boundaries is very helpful for healing and rewiring your brain. If you are interested, info is here: www.awakenjoy.life/boundary
Thank you 🙏
How do you know my family story so well?!
Hmmm… maybe we are related 🤣
I'm curious about what you think of Dr Ramesh who makes her living on just one topic: narcissism. Problem is she elaborates and expands the bounds and definition of narcissism so broadly that according to her, if you are hyper sensitive to people's rudeness or tone or disrespect; you are a narcissist. I would like your opinion.
I mean Dr. Ramani.
Hi: well, I am defnitely impressed with the frequency of videos she is able to put out! I think she is quite good, but I do agree that narcissism has become a buzz word, divorced from actual diagnosis. I haven't heard her say that about people being rude, but I agree with you that being sensitive to that does not make you a narcissist.
Hi: Your question inspired me to film a video...
Dr Ramani is brilliant and saved my life. I did not understand what was being done to me as the family scapegoat for 69 yrs or why ,until I came across her. If you are describing yourself as " hyper sensitive " and that's other people 's fault, unless you have a history of abuse and are reactiveto anything similar that triggers that, you probably are a narcissist, like it or not.
Enmeshment vs codependency: Pls can u explicate the difference.
I'd say codependency is a type of enmeshment... I think I talk about this in one of my videos, but I can't actually remember which one right now! This might deserve a video of its own!
How can i contact you?
Can you please give me your email address so that i can mail you
Hi: My website and other info are in the description to the video. I can not give advice via email or social media. But my services are listed on my website: www.awakenjoy.life.
So there's a way to not absorb?
Yes.
@@BarbaraHeffernan I have to find it and train it.
I cut them off for all these and for toxic reasons. These people kept me down far too ling
Yes, that is sometimes necessary. Wishing you the best!
Still not clear enough what enmeshed family system means.. better to have started by giving a clear explanation what it is all about.
Hi: I do have a video that goes into this:ua-cam.com/video/GVfQ3quLFK4/v-deo.html
Will also be coming out with another one next week that addresses this directly.
Wishing you all the best!
Hi again: Released a new video that does just this:
ua-cam.com/video/Xj8yvl0zrYA/v-deo.html
LMK what you think!
I'm not clear what emeshment is
I'll have another video in a week or two explaining enmeshment more clearly. I do have one that explains it in a "live" format, so sometimes a bit rambling perhaps 😂.ua-cam.com/video/GVfQ3quLFK4/v-deo.html
So what she’s saying is. “Even if you escape. You’re still enmeshed and reacting inappropriately and still need therapy.” Holy Shit that is not cool 😜 💩