@@KeepTheDoubleSpace I agree, but also, it makes sense that an absentee parent won't give you as much as the kids he did have a life with. It doesn't make the sting better, but that's why he should share the will, bc they deserve the conversation they never got in the first place, they deserve something. Why should the father get to have peace from their questions and anger when he didn't close those wounds? I would say no to money from an absent family member, but if they were absent I'm not expecting anything from them in the first place. Tho it will be another story if the father didn't send the mother's any money to help raise the children he helped bring into the world.
"The hostility in the first story is because people recognize the pain caused by having a parent that didn't want them." I mean, yea, it's not much of a surprise. Like he's done before, he's letting the consequences of having too many children be someone else's problem.
It’s very clear which commenters on the first story aren’t farmers. Thinking of a farm as “assets” or “property” is such a narrow perspective. A farm, when done well, is a relationship with the land. It’s not something to take lightly, especially if that relationship has been maintained over multiple generations.
im from a farming village and i think that dad is a coward. he needs to explain his decision to the children before he dies and they never get a chance for any closure.
I was going to say this! It's not just property, it's basically a living thing! A farm is a functioning organism that needs care. Plus it's 500 dependents. Can't just sell off the farm in chunks to pay equal amounts to kids, it's still running with livestock and employees!
The first story troubles me for one reason, he's concerned about his family legacy but ignored 70% of his children? I'm not saying he can't be hypocritical, but it also doesn't surprise me the AITA forum wasn't sympathetic. I may agree that it's his property to do with as he chooses, and in that regard is NTA. But that verdict in one instance doesn't preclude him from being a jerk. To put it mildly.
Yes, thank you! That’s exactly why I had such difficulty with this one. Does he have the right to leave his property to whom he wants? Yes. But financially, the ranch is probably worth much, much more than the 10k he’s giving his other kids. And he was already an absent father by his own admission. And all the kids whom he didn’t raise are also getting less. So yeah, he’s technically correct but also an AH.
@@Gafafsgexcept his values didn’t change and he is not concerned with family (legacy), he is only concerned with his own legacy and a farm. That’s not legacy, that’s just a bunch of cows and few people, if any, apparent from him probably care about it being a family farm. Legacy is supposed to be something meaning and long-lasting one leaves behind. What he is leaving behind is that most of his children will remember him as an uncaring and absent father.
@@s.a.4358 The OP states that the farm has been in his family for generations, so it definitely isn't "just a bunch of cows and few people" and not just about him. In my opinion that is a lot more of a legacy than how one person in the chain of people who have owned it, treated their kids. The animals on the farm are living beings, who deserve to be taken care of by people who know what they are doing. Also the farm is the livelihood of the people working there and it seems the two kids, who he plans to leave it to, have planned their lives in a way that they want to continue the family farm. When most of someone's estate is in a form of a business or property that some of their heirs want to keep and others have no interest in, there really aren't any easy solutions. The two children working on the farm, probably don't have the assets to buy their siblings out, since farm work isn't hugely profitable. Selling the farm so the rest of the children can have an equal amount of cash, isn't really fair to the children that have put their lives into keeping the farm either. Do you think that if the father leaves more money to the children, they will remember him as something else than uncaring and absent father?
He didn't "ignore 70% of his children." The exact opposite. He bequeathed stuff to everyone. We don't know how mortgaged or successful that farm actually is. Is it worth the same as the amounts he gave his other children? Probably not, unless it's mortgaged to the hilt. How precarious is the ranch's position? It makes sense giving it to the person who studied agriculture.
I get the feeling that with the first story, a lot of people have an emotional reaction and just consider OP as AN a-hole rather than considering if he's THE a-hole from his specific question (about disclosing the will, not its contents). On a lighter note, beautiful curls in this episode 😍
I don't know if you can completely separate those two things though. He's hiding it because he fears people will be mad, so it is relevant to understand if they have the right to be mad.
I think a bigger part of the problem is the proximity to the contents of the will itself. People feel manipulated by the wording of the question to implicitly endlistening to the will which just....
Not unlikely, but the whole story is giving Succession meets The Fall of the House of Usher vibes. I mean, do we know for sure that posters on /aita aren't just coming up with fictional stories? I can totally see an author testing the limits and impact of their story on aita to see how audiences would react to it in terms of plausibility and characterisation 😃
For the first story - there are ways of including all children AND keeping the ranch intact. He could create a trust, include a clause that X percent of profits from the ranch will be directed to the trust, and each child will get an annual payment for 10 years. Tie it down with ranch ownership (can't sell for 10 years etc.), put a legal firm as a trustee, and Bob's your uncle. A bit complicated, but doable.
This, so much this. There must be a way his other children can financially gain whilst not being responsible for the day to day management of the farm, keeping the legacy intact and supporting ALL of your children. How are his other children supposed to see this as anything other than playing favourites and confirming that they didn't matter to him?
I don't imagine ranches have high profit margins so how are the two siblings supposed to survive off of only a small portion of the ranch's profits even though they are doing all the work and probably would not be able to maintain a second job?
@@jess-mx One quarter of a steer runs $350 or more. If you are raising grassfed organic beef it has probably gotten more. It was 10 years ago that I looked into it. If you have a top notch bull you can even market the semen for artificial ingemination. If you have enough land you can even make your own hay. Two people who know what they are doing can make a living off of 500 cattle. Especially if that is 500 breeding cattle. Calves are born in the spring and grown and sent to market in the fall so unless you keep replacements you are sending about 450 (minus some from 500 due to losses) to market each fall.
This is what I was looking for! I don‘t know much about legal / financial stuff but I was just thinking there has to be a way to distribute it evenly. The only thing I would disagree with is the idea that the farm can‘t be sold because if only two kids are responsible for all the work, this will be their only job so they need to be able to make a living off of it. If for some reason that ever changes, they should be allowed to sell it, otherwise it could financially ruin them.
Story 2: unexpected pregnancy happens all the time whether someone is financially ready or not BUT I cannot understand putting your family (the wife and baby) in that precarious of a situation on purpose and hoping that other people will bail you out.
That’s the thing. If Tammy had not planned to become pregnant (due to financial reasons, not feeling ready, etc) but then decided to keep the baby, she’d still be a brat for the way she is acting, but I think some more understanding would be warranted. That is not the situation though. She made efforts to get pregnant and then is doing stupid things such as calling in sick when she knows she cannot afford any loss of income - it’s not unusual for someone who is pregnant to experience sickness, so calling in sick when she was not is a complete lack of foresight. Not only is OP not the a-hole but Tammy doesn’t sound mature enough to have responsibility for a fully dependent human being.
Unexpected pregnancy doesn't happen at all if people have the sense to use at least two forms of contraception responsibly at all times. We all know one is never 100%. Some people are just careless and stupid.
@@faithpearlgenied-a5517 I was conceived through supposed sterility (one ovary, and only one tube that was also blocked by scarring), and hormonal birth control and condoms. My sister was conceived through supposed sterility, hormonal birth control and spermicide. Sometimes shit just happens.
@@danitini14 this! People do get pregnant even if it looks like they are unable to. On a more positive note, as someone who would like a child but cannot get pregnant, your story gives me hope that it may still happen 🙂
I think my issue with story 1 is what do the other kids know? It’s all well and good explaining to Reddit why he chose to leave the ranch to Kathie and mark, but if the other kids don’t know that it’s because of their experience/ he believes they have the want/ drive to continue the ranch and it’s sentimental value, and they’ve been left completely in the dark, then I wouldn’t be surprised if they see that will and think ‘there’s old dad playing favourites even in death’. By not discussing the Will with them, how are they to know why these three kids are being treated differently -and arguably better - than the others?
I thought the same thing: yes, he doesn't have to disclose, but since he's clearly thought about each of his kids when making the will, why wouldn't he want them to know why he made the decisions he did, rather than leaving them to speculate & tear each other apart.
For the second story I feel like it is a little bit weird to not buy of off the registry for a baby shower or a wedding for example, because you don’t know what someone already has or what would be of great use to them. Of course I do expect that there would be cheaper items on there as well. The only reason I would deviate from the registry is if I know the person really well and am absolutely sure something would help them greatly and they had not thought of it, or deemed it too expensive.
Honestly, might be controversial on the last one, but locking the door is just something you've got to learn to remember to do. ESPECIALLY in that kind of situation. I speak as someone who is neurodivergent and had to learn this. Locking the door should be your main focus when you leave the house. I am currently living in my first flat which requires a key (used to student accom with key cards and stuff and doors that lock automatically) and the way I handle this is that I never put my keys away when I'm at home. Instead of putting them in my purse, I put them on top of my bag and other stuff I will need to go out in a very visible place. When I leave the flat, I pick up the keys and keep them in my hand because I know that if I ever forgot them, I wouldn't be able to get back in, and I live alone. I go out of the door with them still in my hand and they don't go into the purse until the door is locked. This is not something you can afford to drop the ball with. This man is putting his partner and children's lives at risk. No matter how hard it is and no matter how much neurospicy brain may not want to, this is simply something that you have to do. Every brain works differently, but even considering potential neurodivergence, there will be a way to get the brain to remember this one thing, even if that's the main thing or only thing you can remember. Don't think of it as "I'm leaving the house." Think of it as "I'm locking the door and then I'm leaving the house."
AuDHD here and I can confirm that this is something you just need to learn. I, like you, place my keys on top of my coat/bags so that they are in my hand when I exit the door. I don't put them away until the door is locked and I have double checked that it is correctly locked. I forget literally everything else, but this is something I _had_ to learn to live my life independently... so I did.
This! I get the feeling that OP’s husband is not really taking the situation seriously or taking accountability. He says he wants to remember and wants to be able to guarantee it, but what steps is he actually taking to make this happen? This is about the safety of his partner and his children, as well as his own safety.
This sentiment just makes me remember all of the times of growing up as a neurodivergent person and people not understanding that sometimes you can't just learn things because your brain works different. I myself did as well learn to close the door and tripple check but neurodivergence is a spectrum and everyone has different limits. So therefore we shouldn't say I can so you should too but instead try to be helpful with advice like what could help, what helped me learn or like Shaba said Apps or automatic locks. Also we don't know how much the husband tried and how much communication has happened between OP and their husband so maybe we shouldn't automatically assume he didn't try different methods since we don't have his perspective. Like OP said they didn't even consider automatic locks.
@@viviewtreash-production1107 There will be a way around it - and if you actually read my comment, I did offer solutions. When it's something THIS important, you've just got to find a way.
@viviewtreash-production1107 yeah it sucks, but at some point you just have to make a habit of it. Yeah you'll forget from time to time, but that's how it is. This isn't like if you can't focus on driving or remember which is D, N, and R so you just don't ever drive a car. You can't avoid leaving your house. I lived somewhere that was bad. Break-ins were common and so was violence of all kinds. I grew up somewhere that had (and still does have) a LOT of drugs and people with mental health issues (it has, more than a few times, made the top *100* worst trailer parks in the entirety of the United States. Think about how many 1000s of them there are and what it takes to make that list.) But it has a very different culture to the ghettos/PJs I moved to. People wouldn't stick their nose in your business, but if they caught someone trying to break in, chances are they'll either stop you or tell the person you robbed. The way they see it is that if you're robbing from their neighbors, what's stopping you from robbing them? Even if they don't name you specifically, people talk and if there have been a string of break ins before or since you might just wind up with a group of angry hillbilly/rednecks walking up on you while you're walking home from the corner bar one night. That waffle over: we didn't have to lock doors. Meanwhile the PJs I moved to you had to lock them, even when you were sitting at home watching TV at 1 : 00 in the afternoon. Especially at night. It wasn't uncommon for thieves to go down the hallways and jiggle each door handle to see who has their door unlocked so they could rob them later or stake their apt out as an easier target. These are people that have no issue pulling and discharging guns during a B&E and robbing. It's the type of area that they will shoot you if you don't give them your stuff but they'll also shoot you if they mug you and find out you don't actually have anything to give. (Within the 1st few weeks of me living there, that's exactly what happened to a young teen right out in front of my building. Broke kid from the PJs didn't have anything of monetary value to take. So the mugger took the kids life.) It sucks, I speak someone that is AuDHD myself, but sometimes you *HAVE* to learn ways to cope and manage. Forgetting from time to time is okay, but it can also have very deadly consequences.
With the 9 yr ols brother I would gather my siblings and talk to my parents (without baby brother present) and tell them that they "can't have the cake and eat it too" and that because of Joe's behaviour they might need to pay a professional babysitter to take care of him. Maybe the baby brother has some kind of special needs that needs to be addressed. My experience working with kids in kindergarten and schools tell me that often times older parents, 50's and up, are more inclined to brush off special needs as just "misbehaving". It might of course just be that Joe is misbehaving because he can and because of the family situation, but his needs should be considered to maybe rule out anything else. Either way it is not the siblings responsibility and OP would not be the drama.
For the last one, I think if the husband is dismissing her concerns then she has every right to be angry. As a woman so many of these things are more dangerous than they might appear to a man. If she is telling him ‘I don’t feel safe, and you are doing things that make me feel less safe’ and his response is ‘no promises, I might do it again’ then that’s not okay.
About the hostility, I think it comes from a place of experience, as someone who was a safe haven baby, it's really hard for me to hear about absent parents or parents who abandoned their kids and then ask for sympathy. I do agree with you though it was OP decision to split his assets as he chooses but I do think the kids have a huge right to hate him for it, wills are tricky things and really do pull family apart.
Yep, I always think it’s important to remember that even if your choices are your own to make, people can also choose to disagree and judge you for them. Your decisions don’t exist in a vacuum.
What does it mean that someone has the right to do a thing, but also people have the right to be mad? In my mind if someone is in the right, the people who disagree are wrong.
@@alex_blue5802 having a right is a different thing than being right. I have the right to go in drunk to work tomorrow. My boss would then be perfectly entitled to sack me for it even though I had the right to do so. It being my right to make my own decisions doesn't make the decisions themselves right or free me from the consequences or judgment of those decisions.
First story: NTA for not disclosing the will. But TA for abandoning your children. Because this is specifically about the will disclosure, it is therefore a NTA. Would it be the right thing to disclose the will and let your kids know individually why you are doing things, allowing them the opportunity to hear it from you? Yes it would. But that was not the question.
First story… the question wasn’t about who gets what, but about not disclosing that info. I say not the drama because if he knows it’s going to ruin his final time with his kids, then why disclose? Not the drama
Story 2, with the entitled pregnant "friend"... I can understand her worry, but tons of people don't buy gifts until a few days before a baby shower. Sometimes even the day before or morning-of on the way to the shower. IMO two weeks beforehand is way too early to start poking people about it.
A registry is a suggestion list, it is not a list of obligatory presents. Nobody has a right to demand any kind of gift and if Tammy doesn’t have the money to buy the necessary thing for her child, she is definitely not in a financial position to have a child.
@@s.a.4358exactly. Same goes for wedding registries. I've seen couples (not just the bride to be,) get upset at the idea of people not getting gifts of the list. Or both the newlyweds talking down on people that turned up with gifts off the list (and the expected gifts are ALWAYS expensive.)
When people say 'you are allowed to do this, NTA' I feel like they're not understanding the question. The first OP isn't asking if he's allowed to distribute his belongings the way he wants to, he's asking if doing so makes him the drama. Saying "OP is allowed to do with his property as he wants" is kinda irrelevant Also like other comments pointed out, the excessive hostility is directed at the fact that OP is an absentee parent. I guess people on either side are forgetting what the subreddit is about.
This always comes up with questions of money. Obviously someone can choose how to spend their money, but that doesn't erase the morality of their choices. What choices you make and why absolutely matter here. I think OP has put some good thought into his decision, but it is still unequal and I can see why his kids might be hurt and upset. The chance to explain and help everyone make peace with it only exists while OP is still alive. Saying "I don't want to deal with it, they can fight after I'm dead," seems selfish to me. If you're going to make a choice, stand up for that choice.
I feel like you'd stop noticing it over time. Hopefully by then, it'd become a habit. I'm not sure if this would work for me, though. The way I do it is to physically put the keys on top of the bag I take everywhere with me, leave the flat with them in my hand and don't put them back in my purse until the door is locked and I'm in the lift.
For some people that can be a great solution, but for others it might not make much difference. My ADHD sometimes gives me a kind of super narrow focus where if something isn't moving I won't notice it no matter where it is or how objectively important it is. I can't count how many times I've put something next to or even ON my purse so I won't forget to take it (a library book, a water bottle for the car, reusable shopping bags for Aldi, etc)... then when I leave I thoughtlessly shove the thing aside, grab my purse, and leave without the other thing because my brain catalogued it as unimportant. Even if I just put it there a couple minutes ago. When this happens, I tend to not realize I forgot something until somewhere between the end of my street and halfway through my errands.
I started to hang the keys I'm a hook near the door where I would see it on my way out. When I first moved into my very own place, with no other adults, I would always lose them or forget them. It's simple but it really works. It sucks when your ADHD brain filters it out as background but that's why it's important to develop it as a force of habit early on. Everytime you go outside, even if it's just to check the mail or take out the trash, take them with you. *Note:* I lived in a small little apt and the apt door was at the end of a very small hall that lead into another hallway. If you are talking about ANY doors that lead directly outside or have any sort of window or if your door has a windos, always, *always* make sure the key hook/bowl is well out of arm's reach. This way they can't just break the panes and swipe them to unlock the door.
I am also team hook and I highly suggest a carabiner. When you are on the move you attach the keys to yourself (belt loop thingy) when you are home you attach the keys to their home. I also recommend the shelf hook contraption so you have your coat of the season on the hook, keys on the hook, shelf for sunglasses, and you can put your phone and travel cup on the shelf while you tie your shoes. All the routine elements need to live in ONE spot.
I'm actually with Shaaba on the first one. Most important point is that OP's will is OP's decision. He does sound pretty reflective. It makes absolute sense to give the ranch to the people who would be interested in caring for it if he wants it to be kept in the family instead of sold off, and it also makes sense to me not to disclose the contents of the will. Makes sense to be curious about the contents of it, but you're still not owed that information - and your priority should still be the fact that your loved one/family member is dying and you have very little time left with them.
I agree with everything except the end.. Obviously the children do not necessarily see him as family/ a loved one or a father figure so they have every reason to be mad and expect something from him before he dies because through his life he seemed to not give them anything. Their priority is their lives since they learned from him to put themselves first because he didn't. At the same time he doesn't owe them information about the will or anything in it.. it's his decision but his children are allowed to be mad and confront him because it's now or never. It seems like he was a bad parent for most of them so they do not need to be better.
@@viviewtreash-production1107 Yeah that's understandable. They still need to respect that this person is going to die but I guess quality time may not be something they're particularly interested in. However, if someone hadn't treated me well or been a part of my life, I'm not sure I'd care about if I got their money or not.
I disagree with your stance on it being okay not to split assets equally but that aside: He’s setting Ronnie up to be HATED by the other kids. If the content of the will is something you’d be upset about, imagine how angry you’d be at the sibling (who has always been favoured over you and is a lawyer, so is already the most privileged of them all in this situation) that was involved in it and kept it a secret. He may not have even considered it and I doubt it’s intentional but he’s absolutely setting Ronnie up to take the fall for him.
@@leggyegg2890 No, people's assets are theirs to split as they see fit. I would split everything evenly if it were me, but it's incredibly important to respect people's right to choose even if we don't agree with the decisions.
@@unapologeticallylizzy If someone in my family made a will that discriminated for really gross reasons, I wouldn't try to contest the will but I would be mad at that family member. We can respect someone's legal rights while also saying the decision was unfair.
1st story: I get the children will feel wronged when they see the will and OP wants to avoid it, but I also think OP is NTA. If he discloses his will right now, it's going to become a never ending battle to have him change the will. Once he passes, there's no changing it. So I think it is best to not disclose it
guys its 2am and it just hit me that the guy in the first story is (or was at the time of writing that) alive and not back from the dead to get opinions from reddit i think i should go to sleep
The first one NTA. I firmly believe that nobody has the right to make presumptions on anyone else’s will. They are not entitled to it. The idea of fighting over a will, especially when someone isn’t already dead is absolutely disgusting and so disrespectful. The idea that in a persons last year their family cares more about fighting over their monetary scraps than actually being with that person is horrible.
I'm a parent, and I find myself agreeing with the really harsh responses to the first person's story. I just cannot imagine treating my kids the way he treated his own throughout their lives. That second one, I definitely think the mom to be is acting entitled. At the same time, that baby shower and the registry is, for a lot of people, the only way to ensure they have essential, non-optional items that baby needs. And buying things that aren't on the registry can result in redundancies that are really unhelpful. When I had my oldest, I had a pack and play on the registry, and my grandmother decided another one looked better, so bought a different one. This resulted in another person buying the one that was on the registry, and we wound up with two of these. I would actually argue that it's kind of a rude social faux pas to buy gifts that aren't on the registry. Which I think means I'm saying everybody sucks there. That last story, I over-identify with OP in this. My whole family is AuDHD. We all forget things. But my husband (soon to be ex husband... yes, we're getting divorced) forgets DANGEROUS things. He constantly leaves doors unlocked, and this includes when I was literally receiving death threats from my ex boyfriend. We were actively being threatened and he still kept forgetting to lock doors. But that's not even as bad as the fact that occasionally the kids and I find he has left drawers and cabinets open that are positioned where they can trip people or hit them in the head. My husband actually had to get stitches in his head when he hit his head on the microwave door that he had forgotten to close. He also sometimes forgets to turn off our gas stove. No matter how much empathy I have for our entire family's ADHD struggles, I don't have so much that I'm willing to risk our family's lives on it. I'm really ready to get out before he burns our house down. /too much personal stuff
I completely disagree on the baby registry thing. Not only should people not rely on a registry to get essential not-optional things (ask for them, fair, but not rely on it in the sense of not being able to buy it yourself) but people are giving you a GIFT, an optional gesture of goodwill and caring. A registry is there to give people suggestions of what one might find useful or nice, not to dictate people’s behaviour.
@@angiep2229 if you care about whoever you are inviting to your baby shower, please don’t be ungrateful about gifts you are getting. Nobody is obliged to gift you anything in the first place, be gracious they do. I highly doubt 5 people will buy you car seats (unless you invite 100s of people to the party maybe). Guests might actually buy something useful or thoughtful, which you didn’t even think about.
@@s.a.4358 Not to worry, I have no plans to throw any kind of shower, baby or bridal or anything! You'd be right where birthday parties and other gift giving situations are concerned, but showers have pretty specific etiquette that is not the same at all. I'd totally buy whatever for a holiday or birthday, but if I'm invited to a shower and they have a registry, I follow that.
for the first story, nta. like shaaba i'm also shocked at how the forum responded to this one even as someone who has dealt with an absentee parent. ultimately, the decision of what to give to who is up to op as it's their will at the end of the day. although he may have not been the best father to them, given the circumstances with his prognosis it's super insensitive to be pestering someone in that situation about their will and pressuring them to disclose it. i'd at least have the decency to keep it quiet or private and put the animosity on hold to at least try and make the remaining time the parent has left as smooth and hassle free as possible.
I feel the exact same way. I know it's not fun to be raised with one parent barely peeking in, but that doesn't excuse being exceedingly cruel in return. You don't have to treat absentees like a parent, but you should still treat them as people. And, excuse me sounding pretentious here, but farms aren't pretty little mansions you can give to anyone. They require a lot of work, and should go to the people who are willing to put that in.
For the last one, they could hang a bell on the door knob. The bell would be a reminder for the husband to lock the door as he leaves, and be an alert for when someone is opening the door.
ry 1: No one is entitled to anything in a will, and the idea that anyone has a right to tell OP how to distribute his assets is appalling. When my grandmother passed I had relatives who felt entitled to tag things in the home I shared with her to mark them as "theirs." Op has every right to choose. I am gobsmacked that people went off on him.
I definitely think it's weird as well. He literally left money to the grandchildren he probably never met. I also wouldn't want anything to do with someone who abandoned me, would probably have donated the money to further serve the bond honestly.
First one left me quite confused. OP may be a bad a father and a bad person, but the way he is dealing with his stuff makes sense and it shouldn't even have to. He could leave the stuff the randomly and still it wouldn't be assholy per se. If anything, because he has been an absent father I would have no expectations as a child and if my dad had been an absent asshole my entire life, leaving me more or less money wouldn't make up for that. OP doesn't sound like someone who thinks he is entitled his children's love, or like he is using money to blackmail the kids into coming back into his life. I am quite surprised he is leaving anything at all to the kids tbh. I feel like people on Reddit were calling him out for being a terrible father in general, but that's not what the post was asking 😅
I feel like "You have people who you were closer to" doesn't count when the situation is really "You have some kids you couldn't get out of raising." The first OP is a coward who couldn't show up for his kids in life and is preemptively choosing not to do so in death. The least he could do is go with the "fair" option and leave the decision making up to the siblings, not just his favorite (because how did no one catch how unfair it was to make one of the kids, much less one of the ones he raised, much MUCH less one of the ones he plans to give the lion's share to, the executor of his will??)
On story 1- i think a big reason the forum went after the OP was that he was treating his kids unequally. Sure its his property and his to choose what to do with, but he is still favouring two of his kids over the others. If this wasnt a will, and he was deciding to pay for two kids college and not the rest, he would be deemed YTA for not paying for all of them. This is the same situation- he is setting two kids up for the rest of their lives with a property and a business, and leaving the other kids with significantly less. A tractor alone is worth several hundred thousand dollars. Not to mention the property itself, the cattle, other equipment etc. He could have included something for the other kids, such as percentages of profits to be paid to them etc if they dont want to be actively involved in running the farm. Instead he fobbed them off with a few thousand while giving his two favourite kids a business worth millions. That favouritism is a pretty big kick in the teeth to kids that he was already a shitty father to for their whole lives
So in this scenario would the other children (those recieving a percentage of the profits) be financially resposible if the farm/ranch lost money?Just because it is a successful buisness now does not mean it is a successful buisness after the "father" passes. Sorry I am a bit jaded. I am in a situation with a grandparent in the late stages of dementia. An uncle decided he is not getting his fair share and broke into what was grandmom's house and changed the locks. However my sister and I owned the house and grandmom was lving tenant. Uncle had no contact with family for 15 years. So sorry he is not getting a thing. Grandmom didn't have much left besides te house. So I do not think evenly distributing things from a parent is a neccessary thing.
@@trishbarsby2516 I mean, did your grandparents neglect your uncle by their own admission and outright favour their older children in the will because they themselves chose not to get to know your uncle and didn't think he'd do what they wanted him to with the inheritance? Because if so I'm gonna struggle to have any sympathy here for grandparents here, and if not then the situations aren't really comparable.
@@katharineeavan9705the oppisite. He was the favorite and my mother was ignored. No sympathy for the grandparent just pointing out everyone says inhreitance should be equal and I am calling Why should the two share the profits? Why should they take on the "sins" of an older generation. Hope that makes sense.
Shaaba you are right. Even when OP was an absenty father, the whole equal split is total rubbish and just based in greed. When my grandfather was in his last years he asked us if we are interested to inherit the farm that he owned but was kept up by a family that paid a low rent on it. We all visited the farm with him what was nice as we could see were our grandpa grew up. Neither me nor my siblings are farmers and we have no connection to the region where the farm is located, so we said no. On the day of visit my grandpa signed the farm over to the family that lived there for three generations now and their joy is inheritance enough. To know that someone who really values the farm got it is an amazing memory. Money is not everything and the 10K each kid gets is a lot of money in my eyes.
I mean he was an absentee father for all the kids, he takes in 3 others, not by choice btw he admitted he "couldn't refuse" for the first 2 and only took in the 3rd after they were kicked out. So the 3 he actually cared for for some degree get more than what the other abandoned kids get. I can guess that the other kids probably want something out of the guy who was supposed to be a dad. So yeah, he screwed them all over in life and death here. He has all the right to leave whatever he wants but I still agree he screwed them all over regardless. These are the consequences of having many children and not being a dad. Edit: some of them might even think they're getting nothing and other kids are getting something which would also be an issue here about the will. The will is essentially being used as a gauge on which kids he actually "loved".
His reasoning for not wanting to disclose the will is selfish. He doesn’t want to have a discussion or see his children argue while he is still alive, however he knows they will argue when he is dead. He’s not even making an attempt at getting them to argue less, cause less upset of anything - he fully knows it will happens and just cannot be bothered. I suspect that the reason the children want to see the will is because they suspect it will not be an equal division and they want to know where things stand, possibly have a discussion about it with their father. The way a will is divided and discussions around it are reflections of family dynamics while the person was alive, as well as between the different family members. There is probably already tension between the different children, due to the fact that they were not treated equally by their father and feel hurt - which causes resentment against other half siblings - and the father is fuelling that through his actions. A point can be made that OP is not the a-hole for how he made up his will (not my opinion but I can see the argument) but he is definitely an a-hole for not wanting to explain anything and leaving a messy situation behind knowingly.
When you say he has the right, do you mean legally or morally? Because no one was contesting the legality of wills. The main question is about morality. As you have said, morally this is complicated and his children have the right to talk to him about it.
The OP is assuming that the 2 named offspring will continue to to run the ranch. While those assets maybe worth more in terms of capital than the cash the others will receive, it's going to take time and effort to maintain. There could be a proviso in the will that if the business is sold then the funds raised from the sale should be split equally.
Okay for the first one, YES the man appears to have been a bad parent. But that's not the question. The question is about him not disclosing his will to his kids who are badgering him about it. Which he is not an a-hole for. I don't care how bad of a parent he was, that doesn't excuse their behavior of caring more about the money than him and fighting over it before he's even gone. I mean I can't even imagine finding out someone is DYING and then responding with "Can I see the will? How much am I gonna get? I wanna make sure I get my cut!" Like WTF? That's disgusting!
I get what you’re saying but I doubt they started asking immediately, we’re missing a lot of context there. They’re obviously right to have questions when they know their dad hasn’t been there for them and they’re right to be suspicious because he IS planning to screw them over.
Abandoning a child is abuse. I doubt you would feel sad if a parent that did any other kind of serious abuse was dying, and as the child of a father who abandoned me, I wouldn't be sad to learn he died, either. He decided he would be dead to them the moment he walked out.
I'd say that depends on how bad a parent he was. Obviously he was quite shite, coz those are his own kids and he should have been there to teach them to be less shitty.
@@doggytheanarchist7876 I think that's putting a little too much blame on the dad. There were apparently several other adults in their lives (remember that they don't all share the same mom and some had step parents) that could have "taught them better" but didn't. Plus most of his kids are adults. So saying it's mostly his fault that they act like shit now isn't fair. Again not saying he should be excused for being absent, that was shit of him. I just don't think it excuses the adult kids behavior.
@@beththedarkmage3359 I never said they shouldn't be sad or angry that he abandoned them. I said it's disgusting that their reaction was to ask what money/things they're gonna get when he drops dead. That's inappropriate no matter their relationship. And most people who are mad/upset at an absent parent don't automatically jump to "you better give me a bunch of money when you drop dead" 🤨 That's greedy and immature.
First story: I think the OP sounds like a very thoughtful person in terms of the will. It’s not always the fair thing to divide an estate equally, and you are making sure everyone gets something.
It sounds like he put a lot of thought into it, but he's denying his children the chance to hear those thoughts by keeping it secret. It kind of feels like the easy way out to me.
3rd story: I live in constant terror of forgetting to lock the door (might be ADHD or anxiety or just how my brain works, still working on it). My main issue is that I am scared of not doing it so it is not necessarily the same thing, but some hacks I've been recommended by my therapist are - saying out loud "I AM LOCKING THE DOOR" while you do it - taking a picture or video of you doing it (sounds time consuming but it really forces you to focus) - putting a post-it at the door or outside the door (not something related to the lock in case it gives people ideas, just something generic that you know) - like everyone said, automatic doors or doors with a padlock if you can afford it, that's honestly the best option for me Good luck! ❤
I think 🤔 I think the first one you are coming from the position of "is it wrong/illegal" type thinking. I think the forum was coming from a place of "you're being a jerk to your family". Many members of my blood neglected/abandoned me as a kid. I personally don't expect anything from their wills and certainly wouldn't try to put myself in their sphere in an attempt to get something. That said I would probably have to work through a variety of thoughts and feelings when I find they are dying/have died. One of those things would probably be money/item related. My bio father for example has never been a parent or anything my entire life. So I do understand the concept that like "hey your will, you leaving me something when you die, is literally the last opportunity you will ever have to give me something to leave me something to do anything that a typical parent would do" and you can't even do that kind of reaction.....if any of that makes sense!
Yea I think so too. AITA is not "am I legally right." It's a difference between could and should. I think he should share the will with those that want to know bc he says he's confident in it. He isn't entitled to a nice peaceful time from the majority of his kids who felt neglected by him. He deserves to be at peace with the ships he did foster, and to spend his time as wants, but some will be mad about it, but that's due to his own choices in life.
I can see the reasoning even from an ethical perspective. The ranch is OP’s. He wants it to survive him. So he is leaving to the kids who will ensure its survival. But…OP also admits to being an absentee father to most of his kids, including all the kids who will not have a stake in the ranch. The ranch is also an extremely valuable financial asset, and selling it and splitting the profits would net each kid far more money. I think the commenters are working from the perspective that the OP *should* feel like he owes his kids more after being an absentee father. To be honest, I agree.
Thanks @AJDudz12 I hadn’t considered the will as “the last chance to give your kid something”. Not necessarily changed my mind but you did widen my perspective. Big thanks
With questions of money I feel like legal rights and moral rights are often conflated. Obviously someone has the legal right to spend their money how they see fit, but that doesn't automatically confer morality onto every decision.
I think the both the notion of an absentee parent and the blasé description of that behaviour from OP1 is why the responses are so harsh. I would be surprised to see responses of the same intensity for that story with the change that OP1 was an involved parent. I'm pretty willing to bet it's a response to their image of OP and not to the question OP is posing.
For the last one, I’m a very forgetful person at times, especially when my anxiety is out of control and I’m running on autopilot because my brain is full of bees. I 1000% set alarms on my phone to remind myself to do things. If I know I’m leaving at a specific time, I’ll set an alarm for myself 5 minutes before that time to remind myself to grab a bag, or turn off x and y, or grab the envelope with money for the storage unit so I can drop it off on my way. It’s definitely more of something contingent on having manual initiative, but you highlighted more automatic things as well. I feel like the frustration on the OP’s part is incredibly valid, especially if their spouse is in the mindset of “oh well there’s nothing I can do about it” even if they haven’t tried. My mental struggles and inability to remember does not negate the harm I have caused to others as a result of them, and clearly there is a lot of duress and potential consequence to forgetting to lock the door in this neighborhood that the OP has experienced specifically and has trauma regarding. I think rather than giving up when he falls short, the spouse should take the initiative to see what options may work for him.
With the first one, it does feel like most of the forum was focusing on "you're an asshole because you weren't a good dad"...but that can't really be fixed at this late date, and that's not what the question was! The decisions about how to split up assets are very logical, and there is no OBLIGATION to discuss the will. However, I do think it is a little cowardly not to address the conflict that OP can see brewing that he helped to create! If it were me, I think I'd try to sit the kids down (preferably in person, but at least on a Zoom call or something) and be like: "Listen. I'm sorry I wasn't a very present father for many of you, and unfortunately I probably don't have the time now to repair those relationships. Regarding my will - everyone gets something, so please rest easy about that. I don't have a lot of cash, so it won't be a ton, but no one is getting left out entirely. My biggest asset is the farm. I have a sentimental attachment to i because it's been in the family and I'd like to keep it in the family. Child A and Child B have the the skills to run it and the interest to do it, so I'm going to leave it to them. Child C has been using the car, so she gets that. The rest will get split between everyone else. I know you may not respect me, but please respect your siblings by not squabbling over the estate. Just call me an asshole now, because whatever anger you're feeling toward me is not their fault."
For the last story, I'd second Shaaba's suggestion of an auto-locking door. That way nobody needs to stress about it. I'd lean *against* getting a keypad one, though? In sketchy neighborhoods having visibly better security than the houses around you can make a home look like a juicier target for thieves, increasing the chances of a break-in attempt. And if they worry about getting locked out, if OP has a neighbor or nearby family member who they trust enough, they could give that person a spare key. Then all they'd need to do is walk over and get it or call the person to come let them in.
The first guy should tell the kids who will inherit the ranch so that they can decline if they aren't actually interested in carrying on the family farm, and so that they can brace themselves for resentment from their siblings. In the second story, there could be several medical reasons someone would not wait to have a baby, and others that cause a pregnant person to need eat on specific schedule, that they maybe don't want to disclose to someone who is a "work friend." At any rate, the OP seems to be at a point where the mother-to-be can do no right. It's probably time for some distance.
1st story: NTD. Asking to see a will is tacky af. The question isn't about how he distributes his stuff. It's about whether he should reveal the will's contents. It's not going to change, so why start trouble? I'm impressed that he didn't give it all to the three he raised, ngl.
For the last one, I’d take a point outside and inside the front door and call it the key spot. When the husband lands in that spot, he must stop and think about whether or not he locked the door. If he isn’t sure, he can go back and check. I think having a specific spot will help him to remember that there is something he’s supposed to remember, and it’s a small step from there to remembering to lock the door.
"I was in the life of only those two out of six because their mom died, and the one I took in because otherwise homelessness...." Man that's bad. I really hope this is a road to Damascus situation. Just split the damn liquid money among the non-ranch running kids and set up a trust for the ranch up to be managed by a trust company when the first of these ranch running children are 60 and after that, to be sold or split up evenely among the kids (or their kids if they are dead by then), with reasonable fixed salaries for the two kids and with all IFRS/GAAP income (revenue after depreciation, salaries, cost of sales, interest, and tax) being split among the kids until then.
I think if he had wanted to be more fair.. the ranch has got to be an established business given the size of the operation he can will the land to one person but he should set up all the kids as trustees to the business so profit sharing would be equal. It's not a perfect solution but it would certainly be a step towards equal treatment...
Agree! So many people seem not to realize that a ranch is a business and not a "piece of property"! No one would sell and divvy up a business when they died! Giving majority ownership to the two who care enough to run it and shares to the rest makes sense. I mean everyone else is already getting $10k, which is a LOT of money.
Farms and ranches in the US don’t typically make much money. 500 head is not a large operation by far and the ranch most likely makes just enough to stay in business or they are operating at a loss. The ranch sold as a whole (business, land, cattle, etc), especially to a large conglomerate, is worth much more in the short term but may provide a modest living to the 2 kids in question in the long term
The third story I have a trick that’s way less expensive. But it’s not guaranteed to work as good. When I was in uni, ich used to forget my keys at home. That got so tiring, that my roommate got me a key ring with a little stuff skunk on it. This nearly doubled my keys in volume, but from that day on (10 years ago) I only forgot my keys once more. The new weight and bigger form helped me to remind me that I needed to take it with me, that I need to look the door usw. It kinda rewired my brain
For the 3rd one, ask your parents how they'd feel if you got a dog, refused to train it, and then constantly dumped it on their doorstep unbidden claiming they're obliged to dogsit. Even better, imply that's something you're considering and ask if they'd sue if they got bit.
My parents have a small ranch with just 20 cows. Even with how small that herd is I am dreading inheriting the herd, transport and/or sale requires a great deal of paperwork which can take months. During that time the cows and other pets would need to be fed twice a day. My parents live over a 100 miles away and are very isolated (mail service stops 3 miles away from the house) and I would have to quit my job to care for the cattle until I could meet all the legal requirements needed to take them to auction. This would be incredibly detrimental to my life and finances.
I have an absentee father I went no contact with him. I do not expect him to give me any part in his will or my sibling. He had two kids. He is not present in either of our lives and is a horrible person now. This may be pride and how he raised me but I would not accept anything from his will. Then again if it went to me or his wife, if I didn't accept his will and what he was willing to give to me that I would keep it and sell it for all it's worth or burn it down... the fact that their father is trying to be there for them. It may not be what they want, but it's better than what I assume my father will do in the end. They should be grateful they get anything and that he wants them to not argue at all even though he kind of deserves The hate that his children are giving to themselves instead of him. I don't know. That's just my perspective. He's a better person than my father and my father did raise me and my sibling. I was left with trauma from his raising of me and I think so was my sibling.
Also keeping a family farm in a family can be seen as very important because if its sold it will probably go to a mega corp. And a lot of farmers and ranchers hate seeing the mega corps taking over everything.
27:55 9000% agreed! A personal anecdote; I ( NB 31 ) and my husband ( M32 ) will have been married for 13 years this October. We are both ADHD, which can also be described as kinetic. I am also autistic, which means my memory is crap, my impulse control is low, my ability to sustain motivation outside what interests me is lower, I'm clumsy AF, and the spoken word don't work so good for me going in or out. Due to childhood shite I also cope with PTSD, and frequently need reassurance. He is also forgetful, can be impulsive, and if he's spaced out he can take a few minutes to come back. Over the years, communication has been key. Him *welcoming* me to use text chat when I'm non verbal. Both of us accepting our memories are fallable and fighting about Who Said What A Week Ago Is Stupid And Exhausting And Pointless and it's just easier and better to say "I don't remember." And continue having a conversation. Him learning that Love Is Contained In The Info Dump and encouraging me whenever I get uncertain or emberassed by my own enthusiasm, and me likewise encouraging him when he goes off about his favorite things. When feelings are hurt, we let eachother know. Its still anxious, even with practice, and I often fumblefuck my words when I Am Feeling So Much All At Once And Also Need To Speak, but since he's not afraid he messed up in some deep and unforgivable way? He's calm and paitent as I express myself, listens carefully, gives me his view, and we hash it out from there. 98% of the time one of us misunderstood something and I got Confused which progressed to Anxious, at which point I spoke up. I apologize if I failed to seek clarification, he'll apologize for not clarifying, we make a plan how not to trip over something like that next time, and we hug it out. He's a wonderful man, and I am thankful to have him in my life.
One thing about the OCD assisting apps - if anyone is struggling with those sorts of anxieties, also consider that sometimes constant reassurance can encourage the anxieties to come back and multiply! It’s ultimately a person-to-person thing so do what works best for you, but I’ve definitely encountered situations where the better advice is to find ways to make peace with the lack of certainty that is inherent of life. Eg “I ticked this off on the app… but what if I ticked it off absent-mindedly simply because I usually do it every day! Or what if I thought I switched that off but actually the switch flipped back the other way as I lifted my finger…” People with OCD are very likely to just feel worse and worse the more certain they try to be about something.
As a child of an absentee father, i don't get where the kids who barely knew him get off with demanding a share. Especially with most of them being 'of age' - they could have sought him out sooner and made a relationship with him. I don't think he owes any of them besides those with whom he lives/d in the end. Especially with something like owning a farm. Even if someone got it that didn't want it/understand/appreciate it, they won't get how to properly sell off the assets. There's a good chance they'd just sell to highest bidder, which no doubt would stick housing, or a strip mall or something there. Or even mining for oil, etc. Owning a farm is a huge responsibility and has a long legacy before and after yourself to make it work. The ones who are angry and upset are just money-grabbing, which is shameful.
If there is no will it will get shared equally amoungst the remaining children. This seems to make a lot of people feel entitled to an equal split. I always get the feeling that people who care so much what they are left are reliant on it to save them from bad spending habits or left them up. The only ones who should be asking are the ones running the farm and living there so they can make a plan if OP were not leaving it to them.
My mother (86), who I broke off contact with years ago, recently contacted my daughter asking for my social security number. Considering that this is a huge security risk for my financial safety I asked my daughter why my mother needed it. My daughter told me my mother was working on her will. Now this could mean a few things. Our family tradition is to liquidate assets and set up an annuity for the adult children's retirement. It's always worked, and how her mother managed her assets. However, given our estrangement, it could be she had set this up and is now cutting me out. And I am fine with that. I truly believe that our assets prior to our deaths are ours to distribute as we please, and family drama should not intrude. So if I'm cut out, so be it. I really think that if someone spends all their money before they die on their care or on frivolous things, it's their business and not ours. I do not wish her any harm or grief, but our history was harsh and painful. I expect nothing.
First story: my father and i are not really in contact. He has two other daughters who keep in touch with him. When he dies, i fully expect to get less than them (or even nothing at all). It is only natural considering im not close to him.
The first story, it's important to remember that he didn't close down lines of communication with any of his kids or at least he didn't seem to. He was an absentee father for sure, but it sounds like he didn't activate try and ignore his kids. If some of them are adults and don't want to have contact that's on them as much as him. This means that he's under no obligation to give them more than what he's giving. $10000 a piece is a fair share
The next time they get asked or volun-told to watch Joe they should say, "I'm sorry I don't have the authority to do that". "Alexa, my husband forgot to lock the door again, please lock the door". Honestly you could put one of those on a schedule as well to ensure that it's locked every night. On the real I had a sign next to my apartment door with a list of all the things my ex-husband needed to remember to take with him, because I got tired of having to drive to his job everyday to give him what he forgot.
I feel like the first one is NTA or maybe ESH. If the children only care about the will when their father is dying, they obviously don't have a relationship that entitles them to something with sentimental value. As he has been an absent father, he can't really blame them from not caring. It's not like he's leaving anyone completely out of it either. No amount of money can make up for a shitty parent. My grandparent died a while ago and after that, there was a huge drama, mostly from the relatives that hadn't had any contact to them in years. They weren't left anything in the will and they were really mad. I did get something, which was nice, but it wasn't enough that I would have had a relationship just because of the money. I had a relationship with them, because they were important to me and someone I wanted to spend time with. Death and inheritance seems to bring out the worst in people, so I can see, why he doesn't want to spend the rest of his time dealing with that. I do hope he's right about the two kids wanting to keep the farm going. Is it just in the movies that a will has a disclosure that if they sell the farm, the money has to be divided to everyone?
All four of these are NTAs for me. For the first one I was also taken aback by the idea of OP's asking to see his will after the announcement of his prognosis. I was aware of the overall division of assets for my grandparents on both sides of my family but not the full details. For my parents, I am aware of the contents of their wills simply because for my Mum she had to get documents and things in order before having a surgery (which thankfully went well) and she gave me the information for it all, and for my Dad he's just splitting it 50/50 with my brother and me. My Mum recently updated her will which she again notified me of all the changes. So whilst I am in a position of having the knowledge of the contents of my parents' wills, I would never have demanded them to tell me that information, especially if it was after learning one of them was given such a prognosis as OP got. Second one for OP's comment about her "friend's" financial situation I personally feel isn't harsh. My read of it was that she wasn't dictating on when Tami should get pregnant, more pointing out that in her *opinion* it would make more sense to wait until she's in a more financially stable place, especially as if this was the case then Tami may not have felt the same kind of stress in regards to people not buying gifts from the baby shower registry. Third one, when OP said about how their parents say they don't have the right to discipline Joe, yet previously called their parents amazing and undeserving of Joe's treatment of them, honestly made me wonder what way the parents are raising and disciplining Joe instead. He's only 9 so it does make me first think to place more of the blame regarding his behaviour on his parents. There is the possibility that OP's parents were amazing for OP and her siblings, but with the youngest brother it is somewhat common to see parents be softer/lackadaisical with teaching their child boundaries etc. when the parents are older and there is a rather significant age gap between siblings. Fourth one, my best advice to avoid the requirement of the husband needing to remember to lock the door is, if they are financially able, change the door to being one whose locking mechanism is on a snib (i.e. the only way to get into the house is if you have a key, and you can double lock it for added protection where even with a key the lock won't turn).
I would say with the will one, that maybe having a stipulation (if it can be enforced) that if the ranch is sold in the future a percentage is distributed to those who didn’t initially inherit it initially. Minus whatever profit has been made since inheritance. Like if the 2 kids running it make it profitable, they should get to keep 100% of that profit. I’ve never heard of people discussing what’s IN a will when you know someone’s dying, but I have heard making sure they do think about and have one in place being brought up. My aunt used to point to some decorative plates of hers that she said I’d inherit once she died. Like I was 4 when she told me and obviously I was indifferent to it. Inherited as an adult, they now sit in my attic as I don’t know what to do with them. I’ve no interest in them but selling them feels unloving somehow.
My husband and I live 2 blocks away from a street that is lined with bars. The area itself is pretty safe but since we are so close to a place where people get drunk, we get a fair amount of drunk people walking home past our house. This is fine. they normally just stumble home without causing any issues. However there have been times when someone was too drunk to realize that they have the wrong house. One particular time I was outside tending the garden and a daytime drunk stumbled up onto my front porch and tried to unlock the door muttering to himself that his key was broken. I had to explain to him multiple times that his key is not broken, it's just the wrong house. Once he understood what I was saying he apologized and continued on his way. For these reasons my husband and I keep our doors locked just to prevent any unexpected visitors from wandering in the wrong house. Now, I have ADHD but my brain has me triple checking that I locked the door when leaving. I'll lock it, forget and turn around to check, then walk away then come back to check and then check again a third time after getting to the car. My brain remembers I need to do the thing but never registers that I have done it and it freaks out until I have confirmed it multiple times.
For anyone struggling with stuff like remembering to lock the door, especially those with ADHD, the answer could be rituals/routines. Rituals don't rely on outside stimulus or on us not being distracted because we will automatically follow through them that vast majority of the time out of habit. They may take some time to put in place than stuff like sticky notes, but they're more effective in the long run. Pick a specific order for the actions you need to do so that each will prompt you to do the others - i.e attach your work ID to your keys when you get home and take it off, and only put your ID on when you've left the house, meaning you have the keys jangling at you and have to take them off, prompting you to at least remember they exist and doors need locking. Once you've got yourself to do this a few times, it'll be easier to remember because part of you will be expecting your keys to jingle when you put your ID on, so even if you forgot to attach them yesterday, your brain will still be prompted to remember that they exist. Bonus points: you're less likely to forget either item because they're both part of your routine and will each remind you of the other. On the other hand, if I stick a piece of paper to the door, my brain will learn to ignore it very quickly, and even before that happens it isn't going to help 100% of the time because the second I'm no longer looking at it I'm liable to get distracted - like when you go to another room for something specific and are thinking about it the whole way but the second you're through the door you haven't a clue why you're there.
I've exxperienced a major family drift because of will/probate... as in it literally split my family apart. I won't go into too many details but essentially my dads siblings didn't honour my grandparents will (even going as far as to 'change' the will when my grandma - a widow - was medically incapacitated due to my aunt literally running her over - accident?? hmmm?? very convenient.!! It literally made the news in Australia it was THAT bad) Still, my fathers siblings were able to pick and choose what they wanted... and went far further than that, committing major fraud.There was no happy ending sadly.
Last case: NTA. I'm in a neurodivergent couple (autistic married to ADD), and the biggest challenge for us is to avoid justifying stuff with "oh well, that's how my brain works". Of course the husband isn't doing it on purpose to hurt his family (keep in mind that we have no indication whatsoever that he IS neurodivergent, but let's say even if), but what IS he doing on purpose to solve the situation?
I live in student halls at the moment and while we do have security nearby, it really surprised me how often my flatmates will just leave the flat without their key (and therefore without locking their doors as they must be locked manually). The reason I know this is because you NEED the key to get back in, so I'm frequently interrupted by them asking to be let in. Surely this would incentivise you to take the key with you so you're not bothering people all the time? I keep my key in the same place in my room and have not once forgotten to take it out with me, despite the fact that I often go in and out of the flat multiple times per day for lectures/society activities. I am also neurodivergent, but I guess for some ND people their brain does the opposite 🤷♂
First story: the a-hole move wasn't how he split his will, that was his to decide and only caring about someone's death because of what you get from the will is a bit a-holey (doesn't apply in every situation though). No no no the a-hole move was him not doing the most basic father thing as to explain why each of his children are getting what they are from the will, and he is avoiding the fall out the same way he avoided giving them the dad they deserved. The least he can do as their biological father is to not leave a burning hell hole of a situation to happen when he dies.
About the door locking - if you have that problem and enough funds, you might want to install electric lock that you can control trough an app in your phone. Works great with me and my adhd, and now I don't lock myself out of the house even if the door is always locked.
sometimes when leaving the house I forget to lock the doors too, it's not like someone can just walk in, you still need a key to open them from the outside because it only has a nub where the handle is from inside (so no turning for opening) but it does make it easier to pick the lock or something than if you lock it (turn the key once or twice depending how secure you wanna feel about it ig) and as much as leaving notes would sound like a great idea, it only works on me while it's still new. the moment my brain gets used to an object being in a place it will learn to ignore it being there and I legitimately won't see it even if I'm literally looking directly at it, simply because my brain made it part of the background. sort of like how games or cartoons can have interactable objects visually different to the background drop yk, interactable is more noticeable and background doesn't have any clear lines and can make it hard to tell what's there other than a specific vibe it gives
I'm really torn on Tammy. Regarding not being able to afford to have kids, I'm with you when it comes people having no right to judge, because anyone cam get pregnant at any point, finances can change etc. But what throws me is that she put herself in debt to get pregnant, it was an active choice. And, I know it may not be directly comparable but bear with me, if someone bought an expensive dog such as a sharpei, needing expensive care, but from the outset couldn't afford that care...we'd be upset right? Like they obviously hadn't planned for this decision or the responsibility of taking on caring for a life. I see this as the same, am I wrong? If she had gotten pregnant or if her finances had changed for another reason it'd be different but, to me it just sounds like she wanted a baby and didn't think through a selfish decision. 😬❤
We have door knobs that locks automatically, and there’s a little electronic number pad on it to unlock the door. When you install them, you choose a code, and then you can either use the key to open it or the pad with the password. It’s the best thing ever, we close the door it’s automatically locked and we don’t need the key. It’s a life saver with a adhd brain!
I sing "lock-y lock-y door" (like the Minecraft Diggy Diggy Hole song) in my head every time I encounter a door that needs locking. I sing it out loud at my partner or friends when they forget to lock something important.
th hurt that dad is causing by not opnly talking to his kids about the will, will looong surpass the legacy of his farm. what a coward. divide your stuff however you want but have the decency to give your children an explanation and a chance to understand before you die. You THINK you know which of your kids will be best for the farm, but it didnt sound like he knew his kids all that well, so maybe they see it in a different way and will be incredibly hurt by his decision. thy will feel unloved, underappreciated, underestimated, forgotten and it might even cause a permanent rift between the siblings. THAT will be his legacy.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I have OCD, and thank you for pointing out that OCD is so much more than people realize. I would love for you to do an episode about it to educate people about what OCD really is and to get them to understand that it's not a joke or an adjective. Even if you don't, though, just that one little statement there, that people often don't understand the full scope of OCD, means a lot to me. Again, thank you. ❤ Also, on the toilet paper thing, tell Jamie to remember that beards are cool, mullets aren't.
for the door locking three practical tips: cheap: 1.put up a sign on the door and on the place where you keep the keys ("LOCK DOOR"). 2.create a "ritual" for leaving the house, where he always follows the same steps (shoes on, grab key, lock door, take pic of locked door, sent pic to you, get a heart back from you). expensive: 3. get a doorlock that can only be closed by using the keys (cannot be pulled shut). this way he has to use the key and only has to remember to turn it a second time. I work with amazing but very scatterminded people (myself included) and a combination of these helped alot. for me the taking a pic of something i had to do helped me a lot for my anxiety, bc i would wake up dreaming i forgot to turn of the sound system at work and i could just check my phone and see I turned of the mixer, etc. it was also good as proof, since some colleagues did a very poor job and I always had proof that when I left everything was in order.
I think, for the absentee father story, that it’s really reach he wants to keep the ranch thriving after his passing to preserve the familial totale when he hasn’t tried to be a family to his very own children when he was alive.
The one with the locking door-case, my first thought was code-door. Bc they have security systems that you can turn on when you leave the house empty, you can unlock on your phone and change codes in an app. Such as if you have workers in the house, you can set up a code for them temporarily, then delete it or keep it inactive when they shouldn't be there. It's such an awesome solution, and you can just get the code-doorlock or a whole security system, so depending on financial situation you can buy the main lock and then add on later. Like it will tell you if windows etc are left open too if you have sensors on them! I always forget to lock my door, so jealous of my parents' lock bc I live in the main street of town.. I really should lock but I keep forgetting it in an ADHD-haze..
Lock door: I too have forgotten to shut the front door. It was so disconcerting. I was lucky enough to always live in fairly safe places. I still suck at locking my doors but I always make sure to lock other people’s things when I am responsible. I think leaving very visible reminders can be helpful.
When I was a kid and I left for school I would only lock the screen door not the wood door (we just didn’t have enough sets of keys for both) and I would do the same when I got home just to make easier for my mom to get inside. When I went to college my apartment didn’t have a screen door since we had a security gate at the front of the building. I didn’t notice I never locked the wood door when I got home until my roommate specifically pointed it out. I realized it was because there was no screen door to trigger the habit. This being said, it only took one reminder from her for me to check myself and thankfully we never had a break in during that time.
The last story feels EXTREMELY familiar to my ADHD experiences. The number of times I got reamed by my parents because I forgot something that they couldn't imagine forgetting. Notes and alarms don't tend to help for long. ADHD is literally a disorder of executive function so "normal" aids don't always work. I agree with the idea of an auto-lock, and that the situation needs to be addressed one way or another. It makes sense to be angry and to express that. But OP shouldn't bring all of that energy to the table when trying to problem solve. Coming at him with anger and shame is guaranteed to fail. It doesn't present solutions. It only beats down the hope of doing better.
Thank you so much Shaaba, I know that you probably won't see this comment, but as someone with OCD, hearing you suggest things like that app are so helpful and you're also just so understanding. Not only for that, but also just thank you for being you and brightening my days :)
My brother and father always thought it was weird when my mom and I would automatically lock certain doors, but my mom and I have both lived by ourselves and they haven't. Just a difference of habits and it's not as big a deal either way where we are. I would be upset if I didn't feel safe without locked doors no matter where we lived, especially with kids around. It also feels like it might be a privilege of being a man and feeling secure enough to not need to? Might be a stretch, but it feels like that sometimes..
With the locking the doors one, I can absolutely relate and sympathize, but the husband really needs to brainstorm things that would help him to remember, because it’s a serious matter of safety. I have ADHD, and I used to forget to lock my car on occasion; often enough that it was concerning. Luckily, nothing was stolen or anything, but it kept making me feel awful for forgetting. So, I worked out a system to remind myself to always check before walking away. When I first open the door, I immediately hit the Lock switch, locking all the doors. Then I gather my stuff, make sure I have my keys with me, then shut the door. When I shut the door, I keep my hand on the door handle, and I pull the handle once it’s closed, to make sure it’s locked. If it’s not locked, the door will reopen, and it’ll remind me to make sure it’s locked. At this point, it’s all second nature, but it was a habit I needed to work on. I hope OP and their husband can find something that works for them! ❤
I think for the first one, I would've said NAH, and drawing on some of the other responses, maybe suggest that the OP try actually _talking_ to all his kids and asking them what they want, and also explaining how much the family ranch means to him and what he'd hope they'll do with it after he's gone. After not really being there for most of them, it seems like that kind of openness and honesty is the least he could do to make it up to them. But then I've never exactly experienced an absentee parent, just one who was emotionally distant for a long time, so I don't know if this approach would help.
hi shaaba!! i just wanted to say thank you for making videos, with my adhd i usually need to have something playing in the background, but when i'm overstimulated it tends to backfire. your voice is genuinely so nice and soothing though that it doesn't make the overstimulation worse and really helps me out! i hope you're having a really good day, you deserve nothing but kindness!
There's no way that if my parent had only a short time to live that i would be pestering them about their will, or even thinking about it! I find his kids actions unbelievable.
That's probably because your parents love you, and didn't abandon like 70% of their kids. I have an absentee father and I genuinely wouldn't care if he were dead. This man not only abandoned me fully once he realised my mother wouldn't sleep with him anymore (I was 8 months old), we know since that he has left several families behind and this is a pattern of behaviour. He has no excuses, his adoptive parents were lovely people who raised him well and he wasn't old enough to remember the parents before. My mum even tried to get someone to track him down so he'd have to visit me here and there (she didn't care about his money) but they couldn't find him. Wouldn't be surprised if he took on other names to dodge responsibility. And let's just remember that OP was not having kids at a time with no contraception. It was widely avaliable since the 60s. Yeah, he had a kid when he was 15, which was likely a mistake, but after that, he knew what he was doing. He knew his actions would result in another child he'd likely abandon after having the first. I just don't think you guys get how it's perfectly natural and okay for people who have been abused and/or neglected to stop feeling sorry for their abuser. Until you've been in that situation, please don't tell victims how to feel. Of course they feel entitled to something in the will, it's the bare minimum their absolute joke of a father can do after not being in their lives likely from baby age and- we don't know because he doesn't mention- likely not paying all of the child support, either. I wouldn't put it past him. Plus the fact we don't know of any other horrible things he could have done, since he's the narrator, but welcoming three of the kids back certainly would feel like favouritism if I was one of the others, even though it was admitted by him it was forced.
@@beththedarkmage3359 ofcourse I understand your feelings and yes you do have the right to be angry. If I had an absentee parent I still wouldn't care about their will though, I wouldn't want anything from them.
For first story - I agree with your verdict in this situation, but I can see why OP is getting torn apart. My partners dad was similarly absent, but later present for his step kids and I think after death those wounds open up all over again. Receiving one last slap in the face after OPs death isnt going to help. Hes NTA for doing what hes doing but trying to make it more equal would have been one way to show some care for his kids after all the crappy years.
When I was 18 I would always get locked out of my apt because I forgot my keys and locked the door knob. My Dad was kind enough to buy a door knob with a code. It automatically locks until the code is put in, and I still have a key for the deadbolt. $100 isn't nothing, but sometimes it's helpful to pay the ADHD tax forwards
On the last one generally, the sticky note idea is good and for ADHD folk we have to accept that so many things won’t work for us and some things will, and those things that work are limited time. We have to build a collection of strategies we can rotate through because yeah the sticky note reminder will cease to exist once it’s been there long enough (specifically how long really depends on the individual). This mindset of accept it will eventually fail, like a tolerance to pain medication, so you don’t beat yourself up even more when it does. For the door, they should consider using more than one method at a time, and definitely the electric lock, which has a manual key option if the power is out. One of my personal methods for remembering (most) the things in the ‘out the door sequence’ is to make up a story, song, rhyme, whatever feels right. Every item I need is listed, and checking the door is locked is the last bit before let’s gooo.
The hostility in the first story is because people tend to not like absentee parents.
People got TRIGGERED lol
@@enigmaticinsomniac rightly so I think
Yup...neglecting you in life and then snubbing you in death makes people mad, justifiably so.
@@KeepTheDoubleSpace I agree, but also, it makes sense that an absentee parent won't give you as much as the kids he did have a life with.
It doesn't make the sting better, but that's why he should share the will, bc they deserve the conversation they never got in the first place, they deserve something.
Why should the father get to have peace from their questions and anger when he didn't close those wounds?
I would say no to money from an absent family member, but if they were absent I'm not expecting anything from them in the first place.
Tho it will be another story if the father didn't send the mother's any money to help raise the children he helped bring into the world.
"The hostility in the first story is because people recognize the pain caused by having a parent that didn't want them." I mean, yea, it's not much of a surprise.
Like he's done before, he's letting the consequences of having too many children be someone else's problem.
It’s very clear which commenters on the first story aren’t farmers. Thinking of a farm as “assets” or “property” is such a narrow perspective. A farm, when done well, is a relationship with the land. It’s not something to take lightly, especially if that relationship has been maintained over multiple generations.
im from a farming village and i think that dad is a coward. he needs to explain his decision to the children before he dies and they never get a chance for any closure.
I was going to say this! It's not just property, it's basically a living thing! A farm is a functioning organism that needs care. Plus it's 500 dependents. Can't just sell off the farm in chunks to pay equal amounts to kids, it's still running with livestock and employees!
The first story troubles me for one reason, he's concerned about his family legacy but ignored 70% of his children? I'm not saying he can't be hypocritical, but it also doesn't surprise me the AITA forum wasn't sympathetic. I may agree that it's his property to do with as he chooses, and in that regard is NTA. But that verdict in one instance doesn't preclude him from being a jerk. To put it mildly.
Yes, thank you! That’s exactly why I had such difficulty with this one. Does he have the right to leave his property to whom he wants? Yes. But financially, the ranch is probably worth much, much more than the 10k he’s giving his other kids. And he was already an absent father by his own admission. And all the kids whom he didn’t raise are also getting less. So yeah, he’s technically correct but also an AH.
It’s almost like people’s values can change over time 🤯
@@Gafafsgexcept his values didn’t change and he is not concerned with family (legacy), he is only concerned with his own legacy and a farm. That’s not legacy, that’s just a bunch of cows and few people, if any, apparent from him probably care about it being a family farm.
Legacy is supposed to be something meaning and long-lasting one leaves behind. What he is leaving behind is that most of his children will remember him as an uncaring and absent father.
@@s.a.4358 The OP states that the farm has been in his family for generations, so it definitely isn't "just a bunch of cows and few people" and not just about him. In my opinion that is a lot more of a legacy than how one person in the chain of people who have owned it, treated their kids.
The animals on the farm are living beings, who deserve to be taken care of by people who know what they are doing. Also the farm is the livelihood of the people working there and it seems the two kids, who he plans to leave it to, have planned their lives in a way that they want to continue the family farm.
When most of someone's estate is in a form of a business or property that some of their heirs want to keep and others have no interest in, there really aren't any easy solutions. The two children working on the farm, probably don't have the assets to buy their siblings out, since farm work isn't hugely profitable. Selling the farm so the rest of the children can have an equal amount of cash, isn't really fair to the children that have put their lives into keeping the farm either.
Do you think that if the father leaves more money to the children, they will remember him as something else than uncaring and absent father?
He didn't "ignore 70% of his children." The exact opposite. He bequeathed stuff to everyone. We don't know how mortgaged or successful that farm actually is. Is it worth the same as the amounts he gave his other children? Probably not, unless it's mortgaged to the hilt. How precarious is the ranch's position? It makes sense giving it to the person who studied agriculture.
I get the feeling that with the first story, a lot of people have an emotional reaction and just consider OP as AN a-hole rather than considering if he's THE a-hole from his specific question (about disclosing the will, not its contents). On a lighter note, beautiful curls in this episode 😍
I don't know if you can completely separate those two things though. He's hiding it because he fears people will be mad, so it is relevant to understand if they have the right to be mad.
i 100% agree with this. they have the mindset “bad people deserve bad things” which holds no nuance and doesn’t address the actual question.
I think a bigger part of the problem is the proximity to the contents of the will itself. People feel manipulated by the wording of the question to implicitly endlistening to the will which just....
For the first story, he’s 58 and his eldest is 43. So he was *15* when this kid was born?!
I noticed that too, but my cousin was apparently 15 when he had his first kid so it does happen.
It does happen (as soon as you are biologically sexually mature you can give birth) but it also is indicative of the kind of life he led.
I know it can happen, and I know it’s physically possible. It’s just gross.
Not unlikely, but the whole story is giving Succession meets The Fall of the House of Usher vibes. I mean, do we know for sure that posters on /aita aren't just coming up with fictional stories? I can totally see an author testing the limits and impact of their story on aita to see how audiences would react to it in terms of plausibility and characterisation 😃
@@elliest55 I like that theory!
For the first story - there are ways of including all children AND keeping the ranch intact. He could create a trust, include a clause that X percent of profits from the ranch will be directed to the trust, and each child will get an annual payment for 10 years. Tie it down with ranch ownership (can't sell for 10 years etc.), put a legal firm as a trustee, and Bob's your uncle. A bit complicated, but doable.
This, so much this. There must be a way his other children can financially gain whilst not being responsible for the day to day management of the farm, keeping the legacy intact and supporting ALL of your children. How are his other children supposed to see this as anything other than playing favourites and confirming that they didn't matter to him?
I don't imagine ranches have high profit margins so how are the two siblings supposed to survive off of only a small portion of the ranch's profits even though they are doing all the work and probably would not be able to maintain a second job?
@@jess-mx One quarter of a steer runs $350 or more. If you are raising grassfed organic beef it has probably gotten more. It was 10 years ago that I looked into it. If you have a top notch bull you can even market the semen for artificial ingemination. If you have enough land you can even make your own hay. Two people who know what they are doing can make a living off of 500 cattle. Especially if that is 500 breeding cattle. Calves are born in the spring and grown and sent to market in the fall so unless you keep replacements you are sending about 450 (minus some from 500 due to losses) to market each fall.
This is what I was looking for! I don‘t know much about legal / financial stuff but I was just thinking there has to be a way to distribute it evenly. The only thing I would disagree with is the idea that the farm can‘t be sold because if only two kids are responsible for all the work, this will be their only job so they need to be able to make a living off of it. If for some reason that ever changes, they should be allowed to sell it, otherwise it could financially ruin them.
Story 2: unexpected pregnancy happens all the time whether someone is financially ready or not BUT I cannot understand putting your family (the wife and baby) in that precarious of a situation on purpose and hoping that other people will bail you out.
That’s the thing. If Tammy had not planned to become pregnant (due to financial reasons, not feeling ready, etc) but then decided to keep the baby, she’d still be a brat for the way she is acting, but I think some more understanding would be warranted. That is not the situation though. She made efforts to get pregnant and then is doing stupid things such as calling in sick when she knows she cannot afford any loss of income - it’s not unusual for someone who is pregnant to experience sickness, so calling in sick when she was not is a complete lack of foresight. Not only is OP not the a-hole but Tammy doesn’t sound mature enough to have responsibility for a fully dependent human being.
Unexpected pregnancy doesn't happen at all if people have the sense to use at least two forms of contraception responsibly at all times. We all know one is never 100%. Some people are just careless and stupid.
@@faithpearlgenied-a5517 I was conceived through supposed sterility (one ovary, and only one tube that was also blocked by scarring), and hormonal birth control and condoms. My sister was conceived through supposed sterility, hormonal birth control and spermicide. Sometimes shit just happens.
@@danitini14 this! People do get pregnant even if it looks like they are unable to.
On a more positive note, as someone who would like a child but cannot get pregnant, your story gives me hope that it may still happen 🙂
I think my issue with story 1 is what do the other kids know? It’s all well and good explaining to Reddit why he chose to leave the ranch to Kathie and mark, but if the other kids don’t know that it’s because of their experience/ he believes they have the want/ drive to continue the ranch and it’s sentimental value, and they’ve been left completely in the dark, then I wouldn’t be surprised if they see that will and think ‘there’s old dad playing favourites even in death’. By not discussing the Will with them, how are they to know why these three kids are being treated differently -and arguably better - than the others?
Yes, even if he leaves a note I feel like he has deprived them of the opportunity to hear his thoughts on the matter and ask questions.
I thought the same thing: yes, he doesn't have to disclose, but since he's clearly thought about each of his kids when making the will, why wouldn't he want them to know why he made the decisions he did, rather than leaving them to speculate & tear each other apart.
For the second story I feel like it is a little bit weird to not buy of off the registry for a baby shower or a wedding for example, because you don’t know what someone already has or what would be of great use to them. Of course I do expect that there would be cheaper items on there as well. The only reason I would deviate from the registry is if I know the person really well and am absolutely sure something would help them greatly and they had not thought of it, or deemed it too expensive.
Honestly, might be controversial on the last one, but locking the door is just something you've got to learn to remember to do. ESPECIALLY in that kind of situation. I speak as someone who is neurodivergent and had to learn this. Locking the door should be your main focus when you leave the house. I am currently living in my first flat which requires a key (used to student accom with key cards and stuff and doors that lock automatically) and the way I handle this is that I never put my keys away when I'm at home. Instead of putting them in my purse, I put them on top of my bag and other stuff I will need to go out in a very visible place. When I leave the flat, I pick up the keys and keep them in my hand because I know that if I ever forgot them, I wouldn't be able to get back in, and I live alone. I go out of the door with them still in my hand and they don't go into the purse until the door is locked. This is not something you can afford to drop the ball with. This man is putting his partner and children's lives at risk. No matter how hard it is and no matter how much neurospicy brain may not want to, this is simply something that you have to do. Every brain works differently, but even considering potential neurodivergence, there will be a way to get the brain to remember this one thing, even if that's the main thing or only thing you can remember. Don't think of it as "I'm leaving the house." Think of it as "I'm locking the door and then I'm leaving the house."
AuDHD here and I can confirm that this is something you just need to learn. I, like you, place my keys on top of my coat/bags so that they are in my hand when I exit the door. I don't put them away until the door is locked and I have double checked that it is correctly locked. I forget literally everything else, but this is something I _had_ to learn to live my life independently... so I did.
This! I get the feeling that OP’s husband is not really taking the situation seriously or taking accountability. He says he wants to remember and wants to be able to guarantee it, but what steps is he actually taking to make this happen?
This is about the safety of his partner and his children, as well as his own safety.
This sentiment just makes me remember all of the times of growing up as a neurodivergent person and people not understanding that sometimes you can't just learn things because your brain works different. I myself did as well learn to close the door and tripple check but neurodivergence is a spectrum and everyone has different limits. So therefore we shouldn't say I can so you should too but instead try to be helpful with advice like what could help, what helped me learn or like Shaba said Apps or automatic locks. Also we don't know how much the husband tried and how much communication has happened between OP and their husband so maybe we shouldn't automatically assume he didn't try different methods since we don't have his perspective. Like OP said they didn't even consider automatic locks.
@@viviewtreash-production1107 There will be a way around it - and if you actually read my comment, I did offer solutions. When it's something THIS important, you've just got to find a way.
@viviewtreash-production1107 yeah it sucks, but at some point you just have to make a habit of it. Yeah you'll forget from time to time, but that's how it is. This isn't like if you can't focus on driving or remember which is D, N, and R so you just don't ever drive a car. You can't avoid leaving your house. I lived somewhere that was bad. Break-ins were common and so was violence of all kinds. I grew up somewhere that had (and still does have) a LOT of drugs and people with mental health issues (it has, more than a few times, made the top *100* worst trailer parks in the entirety of the United States. Think about how many 1000s of them there are and what it takes to make that list.) But it has a very different culture to the ghettos/PJs I moved to. People wouldn't stick their nose in your business, but if they caught someone trying to break in, chances are they'll either stop you or tell the person you robbed. The way they see it is that if you're robbing from their neighbors, what's stopping you from robbing them? Even if they don't name you specifically, people talk and if there have been a string of break ins before or since you might just wind up with a group of angry hillbilly/rednecks walking up on you while you're walking home from the corner bar one night. That waffle over: we didn't have to lock doors. Meanwhile the PJs I moved to you had to lock them, even when you were sitting at home watching TV at 1 : 00 in the afternoon. Especially at night. It wasn't uncommon for thieves to go down the hallways and jiggle each door handle to see who has their door unlocked so they could rob them later or stake their apt out as an easier target.
These are people that have no issue pulling and discharging guns during a B&E and robbing. It's the type of area that they will shoot you if you don't give them your stuff but they'll also shoot you if they mug you and find out you don't actually have anything to give. (Within the 1st few weeks of me living there, that's exactly what happened to a young teen right out in front of my building. Broke kid from the PJs didn't have anything of monetary value to take. So the mugger took the kids life.)
It sucks, I speak someone that is AuDHD myself, but sometimes you *HAVE* to learn ways to cope and manage. Forgetting from time to time is okay, but it can also have very deadly consequences.
With the 9 yr ols brother I would gather my siblings and talk to my parents (without baby brother present) and tell them that they "can't have the cake and eat it too" and that because of Joe's behaviour they might need to pay a professional babysitter to take care of him.
Maybe the baby brother has some kind of special needs that needs to be addressed. My experience working with kids in kindergarten and schools tell me that often times older parents, 50's and up, are more inclined to brush off special needs as just "misbehaving". It might of course just be that Joe is misbehaving because he can and because of the family situation, but his needs should be considered to maybe rule out anything else.
Either way it is not the siblings responsibility and OP would not be the drama.
For the last one, I think if the husband is dismissing her concerns then she has every right to be angry. As a woman so many of these things are more dangerous than they might appear to a man. If she is telling him ‘I don’t feel safe, and you are doing things that make me feel less safe’ and his response is ‘no promises, I might do it again’ then that’s not okay.
About the hostility, I think it comes from a place of experience, as someone who was a safe haven baby, it's really hard for me to hear about absent parents or parents who abandoned their kids and then ask for sympathy. I do agree with you though it was OP decision to split his assets as he chooses but I do think the kids have a huge right to hate him for it, wills are tricky things and really do pull family apart.
Yup, you can't expect the kids you abandoned to be happy that you came back.
Yep, I always think it’s important to remember that even if your choices are your own to make, people can also choose to disagree and judge you for them. Your decisions don’t exist in a vacuum.
What does it mean that someone has the right to do a thing, but also people have the right to be mad? In my mind if someone is in the right, the people who disagree are wrong.
@@alex_blue5802 having a right is a different thing than being right. I have the right to go in drunk to work tomorrow. My boss would then be perfectly entitled to sack me for it even though I had the right to do so.
It being my right to make my own decisions doesn't make the decisions themselves right or free me from the consequences or judgment of those decisions.
@@katharineeavan9705 that's how I feel about it so I'm confused why everyone is saying OP has a right to do what he wants. It doesn't seem relevant.
First story: NTA for not disclosing the will. But TA for abandoning your children. Because this is specifically about the will disclosure, it is therefore a NTA. Would it be the right thing to disclose the will and let your kids know individually why you are doing things, allowing them the opportunity to hear it from you? Yes it would. But that was not the question.
But step one of "the right thing" is the thing he specifically chose not to do. So isn't he actually doing the wrong thing?
First story… the question wasn’t about who gets what, but about not disclosing that info. I say not the drama because if he knows it’s going to ruin his final time with his kids, then why disclose? Not the drama
Story 2, with the entitled pregnant "friend"... I can understand her worry, but tons of people don't buy gifts until a few days before a baby shower. Sometimes even the day before or morning-of on the way to the shower. IMO two weeks beforehand is way too early to start poking people about it.
A registry is a suggestion list, it is not a list of obligatory presents. Nobody has a right to demand any kind of gift and if Tammy doesn’t have the money to buy the necessary thing for her child, she is definitely not in a financial position to have a child.
@@s.a.4358exactly. Same goes for wedding registries. I've seen couples (not just the bride to be,) get upset at the idea of people not getting gifts of the list. Or both the newlyweds talking down on people that turned up with gifts off the list (and the expected gifts are ALWAYS expensive.)
When people say 'you are allowed to do this, NTA' I feel like they're not understanding the question. The first OP isn't asking if he's allowed to distribute his belongings the way he wants to, he's asking if doing so makes him the drama. Saying "OP is allowed to do with his property as he wants" is kinda irrelevant
Also like other comments pointed out, the excessive hostility is directed at the fact that OP is an absentee parent. I guess people on either side are forgetting what the subreddit is about.
This always comes up with questions of money. Obviously someone can choose how to spend their money, but that doesn't erase the morality of their choices. What choices you make and why absolutely matter here. I think OP has put some good thought into his decision, but it is still unequal and I can see why his kids might be hurt and upset. The chance to explain and help everyone make peace with it only exists while OP is still alive. Saying "I don't want to deal with it, they can fight after I'm dead," seems selfish to me. If you're going to make a choice, stand up for that choice.
I think the whole "it's his will he can do what he wants" is just saying he can choose if he wants to disclose it or not prior to his death
@@jess-mx I know, and that is not my point
@@jess-mx people can always make their own choices though. What matters is why we make those choices and how it affects others.
Maybe I'm wrong but I thought that AH=wrong in the subreddit. Like, not asking if I'm a jerk, but whether I'm on the wrong.
For the last story, as someone who also has ADHD, my suggestion is to tape a sign over the doorknob saying to lock the door.
I feel like you'd stop noticing it over time. Hopefully by then, it'd become a habit. I'm not sure if this would work for me, though. The way I do it is to physically put the keys on top of the bag I take everywhere with me, leave the flat with them in my hand and don't put them back in my purse until the door is locked and I'm in the lift.
For some people that can be a great solution, but for others it might not make much difference. My ADHD sometimes gives me a kind of super narrow focus where if something isn't moving I won't notice it no matter where it is or how objectively important it is.
I can't count how many times I've put something next to or even ON my purse so I won't forget to take it (a library book, a water bottle for the car, reusable shopping bags for Aldi, etc)... then when I leave I thoughtlessly shove the thing aside, grab my purse, and leave without the other thing because my brain catalogued it as unimportant. Even if I just put it there a couple minutes ago.
When this happens, I tend to not realize I forgot something until somewhere between the end of my street and halfway through my errands.
Fair point. I do that too, after the note has been there a while.
I started to hang the keys I'm a hook near the door where I would see it on my way out. When I first moved into my very own place, with no other adults, I would always lose them or forget them. It's simple but it really works. It sucks when your ADHD brain filters it out as background but that's why it's important to develop it as a force of habit early on. Everytime you go outside, even if it's just to check the mail or take out the trash, take them with you.
*Note:* I lived in a small little apt and the apt door was at the end of a very small hall that lead into another hallway. If you are talking about ANY doors that lead directly outside or have any sort of window or if your door has a windos, always, *always* make sure the key hook/bowl is well out of arm's reach. This way they can't just break the panes and swipe them to unlock the door.
I am also team hook and I highly suggest a carabiner. When you are on the move you attach the keys to yourself (belt loop thingy) when you are home you attach the keys to their home. I also recommend the shelf hook contraption so you have your coat of the season on the hook, keys on the hook, shelf for sunglasses, and you can put your phone and travel cup on the shelf while you tie your shoes. All the routine elements need to live in ONE spot.
I'm actually with Shaaba on the first one. Most important point is that OP's will is OP's decision. He does sound pretty reflective. It makes absolute sense to give the ranch to the people who would be interested in caring for it if he wants it to be kept in the family instead of sold off, and it also makes sense to me not to disclose the contents of the will. Makes sense to be curious about the contents of it, but you're still not owed that information - and your priority should still be the fact that your loved one/family member is dying and you have very little time left with them.
I agree with everything except the end.. Obviously the children do not necessarily see him as family/ a loved one or a father figure so they have every reason to be mad and expect something from him before he dies because through his life he seemed to not give them anything. Their priority is their lives since they learned from him to put themselves first because he didn't. At the same time he doesn't owe them information about the will or anything in it.. it's his decision but his children are allowed to be mad and confront him because it's now or never. It seems like he was a bad parent for most of them so they do not need to be better.
@@viviewtreash-production1107 Yeah that's understandable. They still need to respect that this person is going to die but I guess quality time may not be something they're particularly interested in. However, if someone hadn't treated me well or been a part of my life, I'm not sure I'd care about if I got their money or not.
I disagree with your stance on it being okay not to split assets equally but that aside:
He’s setting Ronnie up to be HATED by the other kids. If the content of the will is something you’d be upset about, imagine how angry you’d be at the sibling (who has always been favoured over you and is a lawyer, so is already the most privileged of them all in this situation) that was involved in it and kept it a secret.
He may not have even considered it and I doubt it’s intentional but he’s absolutely setting Ronnie up to take the fall for him.
@@leggyegg2890 No, people's assets are theirs to split as they see fit. I would split everything evenly if it were me, but it's incredibly important to respect people's right to choose even if we don't agree with the decisions.
@@unapologeticallylizzy If someone in my family made a will that discriminated for really gross reasons, I wouldn't try to contest the will but I would be mad at that family member. We can respect someone's legal rights while also saying the decision was unfair.
1st story: I get the children will feel wronged when they see the will and OP wants to avoid it, but I also think OP is NTA. If he discloses his will right now, it's going to become a never ending battle to have him change the will. Once he passes, there's no changing it. So I think it is best to not disclose it
guys its 2am and it just hit me that the guy in the first story is (or was at the time of writing that) alive and not back from the dead to get opinions from reddit i think i should go to sleep
😂 that was my initial thought too!
The first one NTA. I firmly believe that nobody has the right to make presumptions on anyone else’s will. They are not entitled to it. The idea of fighting over a will, especially when someone isn’t already dead is absolutely disgusting and so disrespectful. The idea that in a persons last year their family cares more about fighting over their monetary scraps than actually being with that person is horrible.
I'm a parent, and I find myself agreeing with the really harsh responses to the first person's story. I just cannot imagine treating my kids the way he treated his own throughout their lives.
That second one, I definitely think the mom to be is acting entitled. At the same time, that baby shower and the registry is, for a lot of people, the only way to ensure they have essential, non-optional items that baby needs. And buying things that aren't on the registry can result in redundancies that are really unhelpful. When I had my oldest, I had a pack and play on the registry, and my grandmother decided another one looked better, so bought a different one. This resulted in another person buying the one that was on the registry, and we wound up with two of these. I would actually argue that it's kind of a rude social faux pas to buy gifts that aren't on the registry. Which I think means I'm saying everybody sucks there.
That last story, I over-identify with OP in this. My whole family is AuDHD. We all forget things. But my husband (soon to be ex husband... yes, we're getting divorced) forgets DANGEROUS things. He constantly leaves doors unlocked, and this includes when I was literally receiving death threats from my ex boyfriend. We were actively being threatened and he still kept forgetting to lock doors. But that's not even as bad as the fact that occasionally the kids and I find he has left drawers and cabinets open that are positioned where they can trip people or hit them in the head. My husband actually had to get stitches in his head when he hit his head on the microwave door that he had forgotten to close. He also sometimes forgets to turn off our gas stove. No matter how much empathy I have for our entire family's ADHD struggles, I don't have so much that I'm willing to risk our family's lives on it. I'm really ready to get out before he burns our house down. /too much personal stuff
I completely disagree on the baby registry thing. Not only should people not rely on a registry to get essential not-optional things (ask for them, fair, but not rely on it in the sense of not being able to buy it yourself) but people are giving you a GIFT, an optional gesture of goodwill and caring. A registry is there to give people suggestions of what one might find useful or nice, not to dictate people’s behaviour.
@@s.a.4358 This is how people wind up with five carseats. If you care about whoever you're buying for, PLEASE don't disregard their registry.
@@angiep2229 if you care about whoever you are inviting to your baby shower, please don’t be ungrateful about gifts you are getting. Nobody is obliged to gift you anything in the first place, be gracious they do.
I highly doubt 5 people will buy you car seats (unless you invite 100s of people to the party maybe). Guests might actually buy something useful or thoughtful, which you didn’t even think about.
@@s.a.4358 Not to worry, I have no plans to throw any kind of shower, baby or bridal or anything!
You'd be right where birthday parties and other gift giving situations are concerned, but showers have pretty specific etiquette that is not the same at all. I'd totally buy whatever for a holiday or birthday, but if I'm invited to a shower and they have a registry, I follow that.
for the first story, nta. like shaaba i'm also shocked at how the forum responded to this one even as someone who has dealt with an absentee parent. ultimately, the decision of what to give to who is up to op as it's their will at the end of the day. although he may have not been the best father to them, given the circumstances with his prognosis it's super insensitive to be pestering someone in that situation about their will and pressuring them to disclose it. i'd at least have the decency to keep it quiet or private and put the animosity on hold to at least try and make the remaining time the parent has left as smooth and hassle free as possible.
I feel the exact same way. I know it's not fun to be raised with one parent barely peeking in, but that doesn't excuse being exceedingly cruel in return. You don't have to treat absentees like a parent, but you should still treat them as people. And, excuse me sounding pretentious here, but farms aren't pretty little mansions you can give to anyone. They require a lot of work, and should go to the people who are willing to put that in.
lol every kid is getting 10k, grandkids getting 5k each, cars, a ranch, but he "doesn't own much"? man. these people shouldn't get mad about anything.
For the last one, they could hang a bell on the door knob. The bell would be a reminder for the husband to lock the door as he leaves, and be an alert for when someone is opening the door.
ry 1: No one is entitled to anything in a will, and the idea that anyone has a right to tell OP how to distribute his assets is appalling. When my grandmother passed I had relatives who felt entitled to tag things in the home I shared with her to mark them as "theirs." Op has every right to choose. I am gobsmacked that people went off on him.
I definitely think it's weird as well. He literally left money to the grandchildren he probably never met. I also wouldn't want anything to do with someone who abandoned me, would probably have donated the money to further serve the bond honestly.
First one left me quite confused. OP may be a bad a father and a bad person, but the way he is dealing with his stuff makes sense and it shouldn't even have to. He could leave the stuff the randomly and still it wouldn't be assholy per se. If anything, because he has been an absent father I would have no expectations as a child and if my dad had been an absent asshole my entire life, leaving me more or less money wouldn't make up for that. OP doesn't sound like someone who thinks he is entitled his children's love, or like he is using money to blackmail the kids into coming back into his life. I am quite surprised he is leaving anything at all to the kids tbh. I feel like people on Reddit were calling him out for being a terrible father in general, but that's not what the post was asking 😅
I feel like "You have people who you were closer to" doesn't count when the situation is really "You have some kids you couldn't get out of raising." The first OP is a coward who couldn't show up for his kids in life and is preemptively choosing not to do so in death. The least he could do is go with the "fair" option and leave the decision making up to the siblings, not just his favorite (because how did no one catch how unfair it was to make one of the kids, much less one of the ones he raised, much MUCH less one of the ones he plans to give the lion's share to, the executor of his will??)
At minimum he should get a lawyer he is not related to.
Your aita videos are the reason I don't hate monday 😭
Same! They give me something to look forward to ^^
taking off time from work isn't the asshole move, the asshole move is that america doesn't have good maternity leave
On story 1- i think a big reason the forum went after the OP was that he was treating his kids unequally. Sure its his property and his to choose what to do with, but he is still favouring two of his kids over the others. If this wasnt a will, and he was deciding to pay for two kids college and not the rest, he would be deemed YTA for not paying for all of them. This is the same situation- he is setting two kids up for the rest of their lives with a property and a business, and leaving the other kids with significantly less. A tractor alone is worth several hundred thousand dollars. Not to mention the property itself, the cattle, other equipment etc. He could have included something for the other kids, such as percentages of profits to be paid to them etc if they dont want to be actively involved in running the farm. Instead he fobbed them off with a few thousand while giving his two favourite kids a business worth millions. That favouritism is a pretty big kick in the teeth to kids that he was already a shitty father to for their whole lives
So in this scenario would the other children (those recieving a percentage of the profits) be financially resposible if the farm/ranch lost money?Just because it is a successful buisness now does not mean it is a successful buisness after the "father" passes. Sorry I am a bit jaded. I am in a situation with a grandparent in the late stages of dementia. An uncle decided he is not getting his fair share and broke into what was grandmom's house and changed the locks. However my sister and I owned the house and grandmom was lving tenant. Uncle had no contact with family for 15 years. So sorry he is not getting a thing. Grandmom didn't have much left besides te house. So I do not think evenly distributing things from a parent is a neccessary thing.
Yourbstory is the uncle splitting. Not the parents. Not the same thing. @@trishbarsby2516
@@trishbarsby2516 I mean, did your grandparents neglect your uncle by their own admission and outright favour their older children in the will because they themselves chose not to get to know your uncle and didn't think he'd do what they wanted him to with the inheritance? Because if so I'm gonna struggle to have any sympathy here for grandparents here, and if not then the situations aren't really comparable.
@@katharineeavan9705the oppisite. He was the favorite and my mother was ignored. No sympathy for the grandparent just pointing out everyone says inhreitance should be equal and I am calling Why should the two share the profits? Why should they take on the "sins" of an older generation. Hope that makes sense.
Shaaba you are right. Even when OP was an absenty father, the whole equal split is total rubbish and just based in greed. When my grandfather was in his last years he asked us if we are interested to inherit the farm that he owned but was kept up by a family that paid a low rent on it. We all visited the farm with him what was nice as we could see were our grandpa grew up. Neither me nor my siblings are farmers and we have no connection to the region where the farm is located, so we said no. On the day of visit my grandpa signed the farm over to the family that lived there for three generations now and their joy is inheritance enough. To know that someone who really values the farm got it is an amazing memory. Money is not everything and the 10K each kid gets is a lot of money in my eyes.
I mean he was an absentee father for all the kids, he takes in 3 others, not by choice btw he admitted he "couldn't refuse" for the first 2 and only took in the 3rd after they were kicked out.
So the 3 he actually cared for for some degree get more than what the other abandoned kids get. I can guess that the other kids probably want something out of the guy who was supposed to be a dad. So yeah, he screwed them all over in life and death here.
He has all the right to leave whatever he wants but I still agree he screwed them all over regardless.
These are the consequences of having many children and not being a dad.
Edit: some of them might even think they're getting nothing and other kids are getting something which would also be an issue here about the will.
The will is essentially being used as a gauge on which kids he actually "loved".
His reasoning for not wanting to disclose the will is selfish. He doesn’t want to have a discussion or see his children argue while he is still alive, however he knows they will argue when he is dead. He’s not even making an attempt at getting them to argue less, cause less upset of anything - he fully knows it will happens and just cannot be bothered.
I suspect that the reason the children want to see the will is because they suspect it will not be an equal division and they want to know where things stand, possibly have a discussion about it with their father. The way a will is divided and discussions around it are reflections of family dynamics while the person was alive, as well as between the different family members. There is probably already tension between the different children, due to the fact that they were not treated equally by their father and feel hurt - which causes resentment against other half siblings - and the father is fuelling that through his actions.
A point can be made that OP is not the a-hole for how he made up his will (not my opinion but I can see the argument) but he is definitely an a-hole for not wanting to explain anything and leaving a messy situation behind knowingly.
When you say he has the right, do you mean legally or morally? Because no one was contesting the legality of wills. The main question is about morality. As you have said, morally this is complicated and his children have the right to talk to him about it.
The OP is assuming that the 2 named offspring will continue to to run the ranch.
While those assets maybe worth more in terms of capital than the cash the others will receive, it's going to take time and effort to maintain.
There could be a proviso in the will that if the business is sold then the funds raised from the sale should be split equally.
Okay for the first one, YES the man appears to have been a bad parent. But that's not the question. The question is about him not disclosing his will to his kids who are badgering him about it. Which he is not an a-hole for. I don't care how bad of a parent he was, that doesn't excuse their behavior of caring more about the money than him and fighting over it before he's even gone. I mean I can't even imagine finding out someone is DYING and then responding with "Can I see the will? How much am I gonna get? I wanna make sure I get my cut!" Like WTF? That's disgusting!
I get what you’re saying but I doubt they started asking immediately, we’re missing a lot of context there.
They’re obviously right to have questions when they know their dad hasn’t been there for them and they’re right to be suspicious because he IS planning to screw them over.
Abandoning a child is abuse. I doubt you would feel sad if a parent that did any other kind of serious abuse was dying, and as the child of a father who abandoned me, I wouldn't be sad to learn he died, either. He decided he would be dead to them the moment he walked out.
I'd say that depends on how bad a parent he was. Obviously he was quite shite, coz those are his own kids and he should have been there to teach them to be less shitty.
@@doggytheanarchist7876 I think that's putting a little too much blame on the dad. There were apparently several other adults in their lives (remember that they don't all share the same mom and some had step parents) that could have "taught them better" but didn't. Plus most of his kids are adults. So saying it's mostly his fault that they act like shit now isn't fair. Again not saying he should be excused for being absent, that was shit of him. I just don't think it excuses the adult kids behavior.
@@beththedarkmage3359 I never said they shouldn't be sad or angry that he abandoned them. I said it's disgusting that their reaction was to ask what money/things they're gonna get when he drops dead. That's inappropriate no matter their relationship. And most people who are mad/upset at an absent parent don't automatically jump to "you better give me a bunch of money when you drop dead" 🤨 That's greedy and immature.
First story: I think the OP sounds like a very thoughtful person in terms of the will. It’s not always the fair thing to divide an estate equally, and you are making sure everyone gets something.
It sounds like he put a lot of thought into it, but he's denying his children the chance to hear those thoughts by keeping it secret. It kind of feels like the easy way out to me.
3rd story: I live in constant terror of forgetting to lock the door (might be ADHD or anxiety or just how my brain works, still working on it). My main issue is that I am scared of not doing it so it is not necessarily the same thing, but some hacks I've been recommended by my therapist are
- saying out loud "I AM LOCKING THE DOOR" while you do it
- taking a picture or video of you doing it (sounds time consuming but it really forces you to focus)
- putting a post-it at the door or outside the door (not something related to the lock in case it gives people ideas, just something generic that you know)
- like everyone said, automatic doors or doors with a padlock if you can afford it, that's honestly the best option for me
Good luck! ❤
I think 🤔 I think the first one you are coming from the position of "is it wrong/illegal" type thinking. I think the forum was coming from a place of "you're being a jerk to your family". Many members of my blood neglected/abandoned me as a kid. I personally don't expect anything from their wills and certainly wouldn't try to put myself in their sphere in an attempt to get something. That said I would probably have to work through a variety of thoughts and feelings when I find they are dying/have died. One of those things would probably be money/item related. My bio father for example has never been a parent or anything my entire life. So I do understand the concept that like "hey your will, you leaving me something when you die, is literally the last opportunity you will ever have to give me something to leave me something to do anything that a typical parent would do" and you can't even do that kind of reaction.....if any of that makes sense!
Yea I think so too. AITA is not "am I legally right." It's a difference between could and should. I think he should share the will with those that want to know bc he says he's confident in it. He isn't entitled to a nice peaceful time from the majority of his kids who felt neglected by him. He deserves to be at peace with the ships he did foster, and to spend his time as wants, but some will be mad about it, but that's due to his own choices in life.
I can see the reasoning even from an ethical perspective. The ranch is OP’s. He wants it to survive him. So he is leaving to the kids who will ensure its survival.
But…OP also admits to being an absentee father to most of his kids, including all the kids who will not have a stake in the ranch. The ranch is also an extremely valuable financial asset, and selling it and splitting the profits would net each kid far more money. I think the commenters are working from the perspective that the OP *should* feel like he owes his kids more after being an absentee father. To be honest, I agree.
@@bethwoodward9437 I think you worded this very well!
Thanks @AJDudz12
I hadn’t considered the will as “the last chance to give your kid something”. Not necessarily changed my mind but you did widen my perspective. Big thanks
With questions of money I feel like legal rights and moral rights are often conflated. Obviously someone has the legal right to spend their money how they see fit, but that doesn't automatically confer morality onto every decision.
I think the both the notion of an absentee parent and the blasé description of that behaviour from OP1 is why the responses are so harsh. I would be surprised to see responses of the same intensity for that story with the change that OP1 was an involved parent. I'm pretty willing to bet it's a response to their image of OP and not to the question OP is posing.
For the last one, I’m a very forgetful person at times, especially when my anxiety is out of control and I’m running on autopilot because my brain is full of bees. I 1000% set alarms on my phone to remind myself to do things. If I know I’m leaving at a specific time, I’ll set an alarm for myself 5 minutes before that time to remind myself to grab a bag, or turn off x and y, or grab the envelope with money for the storage unit so I can drop it off on my way. It’s definitely more of something contingent on having manual initiative, but you highlighted more automatic things as well.
I feel like the frustration on the OP’s part is incredibly valid, especially if their spouse is in the mindset of “oh well there’s nothing I can do about it” even if they haven’t tried. My mental struggles and inability to remember does not negate the harm I have caused to others as a result of them, and clearly there is a lot of duress and potential consequence to forgetting to lock the door in this neighborhood that the OP has experienced specifically and has trauma regarding. I think rather than giving up when he falls short, the spouse should take the initiative to see what options may work for him.
With the first one, it does feel like most of the forum was focusing on "you're an asshole because you weren't a good dad"...but that can't really be fixed at this late date, and that's not what the question was! The decisions about how to split up assets are very logical, and there is no OBLIGATION to discuss the will. However, I do think it is a little cowardly not to address the conflict that OP can see brewing that he helped to create!
If it were me, I think I'd try to sit the kids down (preferably in person, but at least on a Zoom call or something) and be like: "Listen. I'm sorry I wasn't a very present father for many of you, and unfortunately I probably don't have the time now to repair those relationships. Regarding my will - everyone gets something, so please rest easy about that. I don't have a lot of cash, so it won't be a ton, but no one is getting left out entirely. My biggest asset is the farm. I have a sentimental attachment to i because it's been in the family and I'd like to keep it in the family. Child A and Child B have the the skills to run it and the interest to do it, so I'm going to leave it to them. Child C has been using the car, so she gets that. The rest will get split between everyone else. I know you may not respect me, but please respect your siblings by not squabbling over the estate. Just call me an asshole now, because whatever anger you're feeling toward me is not their fault."
For the last story, I'd second Shaaba's suggestion of an auto-locking door. That way nobody needs to stress about it. I'd lean *against* getting a keypad one, though? In sketchy neighborhoods having visibly better security than the houses around you can make a home look like a juicier target for thieves, increasing the chances of a break-in attempt.
And if they worry about getting locked out, if OP has a neighbor or nearby family member who they trust enough, they could give that person a spare key. Then all they'd need to do is walk over and get it or call the person to come let them in.
The first guy should tell the kids who will inherit the ranch so that they can decline if they aren't actually interested in carrying on the family farm, and so that they can brace themselves for resentment from their siblings.
In the second story, there could be several medical reasons someone would not wait to have a baby, and others that cause a pregnant person to need eat on specific schedule, that they maybe don't want to disclose to someone who is a "work friend." At any rate, the OP seems to be at a point where the mother-to-be can do no right. It's probably time for some distance.
1st story: NTD. Asking to see a will is tacky af. The question isn't about how he distributes his stuff. It's about whether he should reveal the will's contents. It's not going to change, so why start trouble? I'm impressed that he didn't give it all to the three he raised, ngl.
The way the light bounces off of the pink curls *chef's kiss* especially when the curls are bouncing
For the last one, I’d take a point outside and inside the front door and call it the key spot. When the husband lands in that spot, he must stop and think about whether or not he locked the door. If he isn’t sure, he can go back and check. I think having a specific spot will help him to remember that there is something he’s supposed to remember, and it’s a small step from there to remembering to lock the door.
My grandpa was told he had 6 months left and that he would die in early 2022. Lived to late 2023!
Mine was told the same in mid 2020 and lived until late 2022!
"I was in the life of only those two out of six because their mom died, and the one I took in because otherwise homelessness...." Man that's bad. I really hope this is a road to Damascus situation. Just split the damn liquid money among the non-ranch running kids and set up a trust for the ranch up to be managed by a trust company when the first of these ranch running children are 60 and after that, to be sold or split up evenely among the kids (or their kids if they are dead by then), with reasonable fixed salaries for the two kids and with all IFRS/GAAP income (revenue after depreciation, salaries, cost of sales, interest, and tax) being split among the kids until then.
I think if he had wanted to be more fair.. the ranch has got to be an established business given the size of the operation he can will the land to one person but he should set up all the kids as trustees to the business so profit sharing would be equal. It's not a perfect solution but it would certainly be a step towards equal treatment...
Agree! So many people seem not to realize that a ranch is a business and not a "piece of property"! No one would sell and divvy up a business when they died! Giving majority ownership to the two who care enough to run it and shares to the rest makes sense. I mean everyone else is already getting $10k, which is a LOT of money.
Farms and ranches in the US don’t typically make much money. 500 head is not a large operation by far and the ranch most likely makes just enough to stay in business or they are operating at a loss. The ranch sold as a whole (business, land, cattle, etc), especially to a large conglomerate, is worth much more in the short term but may provide a modest living to the 2 kids in question in the long term
The third story I have a trick that’s way less expensive. But it’s not guaranteed to work as good.
When I was in uni, ich used to forget my keys at home. That got so tiring, that my roommate got me a key ring with a little stuff skunk on it. This nearly doubled my keys in volume, but from that day on (10 years ago) I only forgot my keys once more.
The new weight and bigger form helped me to remind me that I needed to take it with me, that I need to look the door usw. It kinda rewired my brain
For the 3rd one, ask your parents how they'd feel if you got a dog, refused to train it, and then constantly dumped it on their doorstep unbidden claiming they're obliged to dogsit. Even better, imply that's something you're considering and ask if they'd sue if they got bit.
That first situation is so difficult to say anything. That kind of situation is so touchy and there's a lifetime of backstory we're not privy to.
My parents have a small ranch with just 20 cows. Even with how small that herd is I am dreading inheriting the herd, transport and/or sale requires a great deal of paperwork which can take months. During that time the cows and other pets would need to be fed twice a day. My parents live over a 100 miles away and are very isolated (mail service stops 3 miles away from the house) and I would have to quit my job to care for the cattle until I could meet all the legal requirements needed to take them to auction. This would be incredibly detrimental to my life and finances.
I have an absentee father I went no contact with him. I do not expect him to give me any part in his will or my sibling. He had two kids. He is not present in either of our lives and is a horrible person now. This may be pride and how he raised me but I would not accept anything from his will. Then again if it went to me or his wife, if I didn't accept his will and what he was willing to give to me that I would keep it and sell it for all it's worth or burn it down... the fact that their father is trying to be there for them. It may not be what they want, but it's better than what I assume my father will do in the end. They should be grateful they get anything and that he wants them to not argue at all even though he kind of deserves The hate that his children are giving to themselves instead of him. I don't know. That's just my perspective. He's a better person than my father and my father did raise me and my sibling. I was left with trauma from his raising of me and I think so was my sibling.
Also keeping a family farm in a family can be seen as very important because if its sold it will probably go to a mega corp. And a lot of farmers and ranchers hate seeing the mega corps taking over everything.
27:55 9000% agreed!
A personal anecdote;
I ( NB 31 ) and my husband ( M32 ) will have been married for 13 years this October. We are both ADHD, which can also be described as kinetic. I am also autistic, which means my memory is crap, my impulse control is low, my ability to sustain motivation outside what interests me is lower, I'm clumsy AF, and the spoken word don't work so good for me going in or out. Due to childhood shite I also cope with PTSD, and frequently need reassurance. He is also forgetful, can be impulsive, and if he's spaced out he can take a few minutes to come back.
Over the years, communication has been key. Him *welcoming* me to use text chat when I'm non verbal. Both of us accepting our memories are fallable and fighting about Who Said What A Week Ago Is Stupid And Exhausting And Pointless and it's just easier and better to say "I don't remember." And continue having a conversation. Him learning that Love Is Contained In The Info Dump and encouraging me whenever I get uncertain or emberassed by my own enthusiasm, and me likewise encouraging him when he goes off about his favorite things.
When feelings are hurt, we let eachother know. Its still anxious, even with practice, and I often fumblefuck my words when I Am Feeling So Much All At Once And Also Need To Speak, but since he's not afraid he messed up in some deep and unforgivable way? He's calm and paitent as I express myself, listens carefully, gives me his view, and we hash it out from there. 98% of the time one of us misunderstood something and I got Confused which progressed to Anxious, at which point I spoke up. I apologize if I failed to seek clarification, he'll apologize for not clarifying, we make a plan how not to trip over something like that next time, and we hug it out.
He's a wonderful man, and I am thankful to have him in my life.
One thing about the OCD assisting apps - if anyone is struggling with those sorts of anxieties, also consider that sometimes constant reassurance can encourage the anxieties to come back and multiply! It’s ultimately a person-to-person thing so do what works best for you, but I’ve definitely encountered situations where the better advice is to find ways to make peace with the lack of certainty that is inherent of life.
Eg “I ticked this off on the app… but what if I ticked it off absent-mindedly simply because I usually do it every day! Or what if I thought I switched that off but actually the switch flipped back the other way as I lifted my finger…” People with OCD are very likely to just feel worse and worse the more certain they try to be about something.
As a child of an absentee father, i don't get where the kids who barely knew him get off with demanding a share. Especially with most of them being 'of age' - they could have sought him out sooner and made a relationship with him. I don't think he owes any of them besides those with whom he lives/d in the end. Especially with something like owning a farm. Even if someone got it that didn't want it/understand/appreciate it, they won't get how to properly sell off the assets. There's a good chance they'd just sell to highest bidder, which no doubt would stick housing, or a strip mall or something there. Or even mining for oil, etc. Owning a farm is a huge responsibility and has a long legacy before and after yourself to make it work. The ones who are angry and upset are just money-grabbing, which is shameful.
If there is no will it will get shared equally amoungst the remaining children. This seems to make a lot of people feel entitled to an equal split. I always get the feeling that people who care so much what they are left are reliant on it to save them from bad spending habits or left them up.
The only ones who should be asking are the ones running the farm and living there so they can make a plan if OP were not leaving it to them.
My mother (86), who I broke off contact with years ago, recently contacted my daughter asking for my social security number. Considering that this is a huge security risk for my financial safety I asked my daughter why my mother needed it. My daughter told me my mother was working on her will. Now this could mean a few things. Our family tradition is to liquidate assets and set up an annuity for the adult children's retirement. It's always worked, and how her mother managed her assets. However, given our estrangement, it could be she had set this up and is now cutting me out. And I am fine with that. I truly believe that our assets prior to our deaths are ours to distribute as we please, and family drama should not intrude. So if I'm cut out, so be it. I really think that if someone spends all their money before they die on their care or on frivolous things, it's their business and not ours. I do not wish her any harm or grief, but our history was harsh and painful. I expect nothing.
In general, I'd say that a will is meant to be personal and private. However, you do also have obligations to all your children.
First story: my father and i are not really in contact. He has two other daughters who keep in touch with him. When he dies, i fully expect to get less than them (or even nothing at all). It is only natural considering im not close to him.
For the first one they could split ownership of the business as a separate entity from the property
The first story, it's important to remember that he didn't close down lines of communication with any of his kids or at least he didn't seem to. He was an absentee father for sure, but it sounds like he didn't activate try and ignore his kids. If some of them are adults and don't want to have contact that's on them as much as him. This means that he's under no obligation to give them more than what he's giving. $10000 a piece is a fair share
Mind you, he's an asshole for a lot of reasons, but the will is not actually one of them
The next time they get asked or volun-told to watch Joe they should say, "I'm sorry I don't have the authority to do that".
"Alexa, my husband forgot to lock the door again, please lock the door". Honestly you could put one of those on a schedule as well to ensure that it's locked every night. On the real I had a sign next to my apartment door with a list of all the things my ex-husband needed to remember to take with him, because I got tired of having to drive to his job everyday to give him what he forgot.
I feel like the first one is NTA or maybe ESH. If the children only care about the will when their father is dying, they obviously don't have a relationship that entitles them to something with sentimental value. As he has been an absent father, he can't really blame them from not caring. It's not like he's leaving anyone completely out of it either. No amount of money can make up for a shitty parent.
My grandparent died a while ago and after that, there was a huge drama, mostly from the relatives that hadn't had any contact to them in years. They weren't left anything in the will and they were really mad. I did get something, which was nice, but it wasn't enough that I would have had a relationship just because of the money. I had a relationship with them, because they were important to me and someone I wanted to spend time with.
Death and inheritance seems to bring out the worst in people, so I can see, why he doesn't want to spend the rest of his time dealing with that.
I do hope he's right about the two kids wanting to keep the farm going. Is it just in the movies that a will has a disclosure that if they sell the farm, the money has to be divided to everyone?
All four of these are NTAs for me.
For the first one I was also taken aback by the idea of OP's asking to see his will after the announcement of his prognosis. I was aware of the overall division of assets for my grandparents on both sides of my family but not the full details. For my parents, I am aware of the contents of their wills simply because for my Mum she had to get documents and things in order before having a surgery (which thankfully went well) and she gave me the information for it all, and for my Dad he's just splitting it 50/50 with my brother and me. My Mum recently updated her will which she again notified me of all the changes. So whilst I am in a position of having the knowledge of the contents of my parents' wills, I would never have demanded them to tell me that information, especially if it was after learning one of them was given such a prognosis as OP got.
Second one for OP's comment about her "friend's" financial situation I personally feel isn't harsh. My read of it was that she wasn't dictating on when Tami should get pregnant, more pointing out that in her *opinion* it would make more sense to wait until she's in a more financially stable place, especially as if this was the case then Tami may not have felt the same kind of stress in regards to people not buying gifts from the baby shower registry.
Third one, when OP said about how their parents say they don't have the right to discipline Joe, yet previously called their parents amazing and undeserving of Joe's treatment of them, honestly made me wonder what way the parents are raising and disciplining Joe instead. He's only 9 so it does make me first think to place more of the blame regarding his behaviour on his parents. There is the possibility that OP's parents were amazing for OP and her siblings, but with the youngest brother it is somewhat common to see parents be softer/lackadaisical with teaching their child boundaries etc. when the parents are older and there is a rather significant age gap between siblings.
Fourth one, my best advice to avoid the requirement of the husband needing to remember to lock the door is, if they are financially able, change the door to being one whose locking mechanism is on a snib (i.e. the only way to get into the house is if you have a key, and you can double lock it for added protection where even with a key the lock won't turn).
I would say with the will one, that maybe having a stipulation (if it can be enforced) that if the ranch is sold in the future a percentage is distributed to those who didn’t initially inherit it initially. Minus whatever profit has been made since inheritance. Like if the 2 kids running it make it profitable, they should get to keep 100% of that profit.
I’ve never heard of people discussing what’s IN a will when you know someone’s dying, but I have heard making sure they do think about and have one in place being brought up.
My aunt used to point to some decorative plates of hers that she said I’d inherit once she died. Like I was 4 when she told me and obviously I was indifferent to it. Inherited as an adult, they now sit in my attic as I don’t know what to do with them. I’ve no interest in them but selling them feels unloving somehow.
My husband and I live 2 blocks away from a street that is lined with bars. The area itself is pretty safe but since we are so close to a place where people get drunk, we get a fair amount of drunk people walking home past our house. This is fine. they normally just stumble home without causing any issues. However there have been times when someone was too drunk to realize that they have the wrong house. One particular time I was outside tending the garden and a daytime drunk stumbled up onto my front porch and tried to unlock the door muttering to himself that his key was broken. I had to explain to him multiple times that his key is not broken, it's just the wrong house. Once he understood what I was saying he apologized and continued on his way. For these reasons my husband and I keep our doors locked just to prevent any unexpected visitors from wandering in the wrong house. Now, I have ADHD but my brain has me triple checking that I locked the door when leaving. I'll lock it, forget and turn around to check, then walk away then come back to check and then check again a third time after getting to the car. My brain remembers I need to do the thing but never registers that I have done it and it freaks out until I have confirmed it multiple times.
For anyone struggling with stuff like remembering to lock the door, especially those with ADHD, the answer could be rituals/routines.
Rituals don't rely on outside stimulus or on us not being distracted because we will automatically follow through them that vast majority of the time out of habit. They may take some time to put in place than stuff like sticky notes, but they're more effective in the long run. Pick a specific order for the actions you need to do so that each will prompt you to do the others - i.e attach your work ID to your keys when you get home and take it off, and only put your ID on when you've left the house, meaning you have the keys jangling at you and have to take them off, prompting you to at least remember they exist and doors need locking. Once you've got yourself to do this a few times, it'll be easier to remember because part of you will be expecting your keys to jingle when you put your ID on, so even if you forgot to attach them yesterday, your brain will still be prompted to remember that they exist.
Bonus points: you're less likely to forget either item because they're both part of your routine and will each remind you of the other.
On the other hand, if I stick a piece of paper to the door, my brain will learn to ignore it very quickly, and even before that happens it isn't going to help 100% of the time because the second I'm no longer looking at it I'm liable to get distracted - like when you go to another room for something specific and are thinking about it the whole way but the second you're through the door you haven't a clue why you're there.
I've exxperienced a major family drift because of will/probate... as in it literally split my family apart. I won't go into too many details but essentially my dads siblings didn't honour my grandparents will (even going as far as to 'change' the will when my grandma - a widow - was medically incapacitated due to my aunt literally running her over - accident?? hmmm?? very convenient.!! It literally made the news in Australia it was THAT bad)
Still, my fathers siblings were able to pick and choose what they wanted... and went far further than that, committing major fraud.There was no happy ending sadly.
They do make self locking door locks. They latch automatically anytime the door is closed.
Last case: NTA. I'm in a neurodivergent couple (autistic married to ADD), and the biggest challenge for us is to avoid justifying stuff with "oh well, that's how my brain works". Of course the husband isn't doing it on purpose to hurt his family (keep in mind that we have no indication whatsoever that he IS neurodivergent, but let's say even if), but what IS he doing on purpose to solve the situation?
I live in student halls at the moment and while we do have security nearby, it really surprised me how often my flatmates will just leave the flat without their key (and therefore without locking their doors as they must be locked manually). The reason I know this is because you NEED the key to get back in, so I'm frequently interrupted by them asking to be let in. Surely this would incentivise you to take the key with you so you're not bothering people all the time? I keep my key in the same place in my room and have not once forgotten to take it out with me, despite the fact that I often go in and out of the flat multiple times per day for lectures/society activities. I am also neurodivergent, but I guess for some ND people their brain does the opposite 🤷♂
First story: the a-hole move wasn't how he split his will, that was his to decide and only caring about someone's death because of what you get from the will is a bit a-holey (doesn't apply in every situation though). No no no the a-hole move was him not doing the most basic father thing as to explain why each of his children are getting what they are from the will, and he is avoiding the fall out the same way he avoided giving them the dad they deserved. The least he can do as their biological father is to not leave a burning hell hole of a situation to happen when he dies.
About the door locking - if you have that problem and enough funds, you might want to install electric lock that you can control trough an app in your phone. Works great with me and my adhd, and now I don't lock myself out of the house even if the door is always locked.
sometimes when leaving the house I forget to lock the doors too, it's not like someone can just walk in, you still need a key to open them from the outside because it only has a nub where the handle is from inside (so no turning for opening) but it does make it easier to pick the lock or something than if you lock it (turn the key once or twice depending how secure you wanna feel about it ig)
and as much as leaving notes would sound like a great idea, it only works on me while it's still new. the moment my brain gets used to an object being in a place it will learn to ignore it being there and I legitimately won't see it even if I'm literally looking directly at it, simply because my brain made it part of the background. sort of like how games or cartoons can have interactable objects visually different to the background drop yk, interactable is more noticeable and background doesn't have any clear lines and can make it hard to tell what's there other than a specific vibe it gives
I'm really torn on Tammy.
Regarding not being able to afford to have kids, I'm with you when it comes people having no right to judge, because anyone cam get pregnant at any point, finances can change etc. But what throws me is that she put herself in debt to get pregnant, it was an active choice.
And, I know it may not be directly comparable but bear with me, if someone bought an expensive dog such as a sharpei, needing expensive care, but from the outset couldn't afford that care...we'd be upset right? Like they obviously hadn't planned for this decision or the responsibility of taking on caring for a life. I see this as the same, am I wrong?
If she had gotten pregnant or if her finances had changed for another reason it'd be different but, to me it just sounds like she wanted a baby and didn't think through a selfish decision. 😬❤
Lol maybe I'm not torn maybe I just feel uncomfy with my conclusion idk.
We have door knobs that locks automatically, and there’s a little electronic number pad on it to unlock the door. When you install them, you choose a code, and then you can either use the key to open it or the pad with the password. It’s the best thing ever, we close the door it’s automatically locked and we don’t need the key. It’s a life saver with a adhd brain!
I sing "lock-y lock-y door" (like the Minecraft Diggy Diggy Hole song) in my head every time I encounter a door that needs locking.
I sing it out loud at my partner or friends when they forget to lock something important.
th hurt that dad is causing by not opnly talking to his kids about the will, will looong surpass the legacy of his farm. what a coward. divide your stuff however you want but have the decency to give your children an explanation and a chance to understand before you die. You THINK you know which of your kids will be best for the farm, but it didnt sound like he knew his kids all that well, so maybe they see it in a different way and will be incredibly hurt by his decision. thy will feel unloved, underappreciated, underestimated, forgotten and it might even cause a permanent rift between the siblings. THAT will be his legacy.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I have OCD, and thank you for pointing out that OCD is so much more than people realize. I would love for you to do an episode about it to educate people about what OCD really is and to get them to understand that it's not a joke or an adjective.
Even if you don't, though, just that one little statement there, that people often don't understand the full scope of OCD, means a lot to me. Again, thank you. ❤
Also, on the toilet paper thing, tell Jamie to remember that beards are cool, mullets aren't.
for the door locking three practical tips: cheap: 1.put up a sign on the door and on the place where you keep the keys ("LOCK DOOR"). 2.create a "ritual" for leaving the house, where he always follows the same steps (shoes on, grab key, lock door, take pic of locked door, sent pic to you, get a heart back from you). expensive: 3. get a doorlock that can only be closed by using the keys (cannot be pulled shut). this way he has to use the key and only has to remember to turn it a second time. I work with amazing but very scatterminded people (myself included) and a combination of these helped alot. for me the taking a pic of something i had to do helped me a lot for my anxiety, bc i would wake up dreaming i forgot to turn of the sound system at work and i could just check my phone and see I turned of the mixer, etc. it was also good as proof, since some colleagues did a very poor job and I always had proof that when I left everything was in order.
I think, for the absentee father story, that it’s really reach he wants to keep the ranch thriving after his passing to preserve the familial totale when he hasn’t tried to be a family to his very own children when he was alive.
The one with the locking door-case, my first thought was code-door. Bc they have security systems that you can turn on when you leave the house empty, you can unlock on your phone and change codes in an app. Such as if you have workers in the house, you can set up a code for them temporarily, then delete it or keep it inactive when they shouldn't be there. It's such an awesome solution, and you can just get the code-doorlock or a whole security system, so depending on financial situation you can buy the main lock and then add on later. Like it will tell you if windows etc are left open too if you have sensors on them! I always forget to lock my door, so jealous of my parents' lock bc I live in the main street of town.. I really should lock but I keep forgetting it in an ADHD-haze..
Oh my goodness, that picture of you & Jamie took for that 1800Drama podcast is a real hoot!
Lock door: I too have forgotten to shut the front door. It was so disconcerting. I was lucky enough to always live in fairly safe places. I still suck at locking my doors but I always make sure to lock other people’s things when I am responsible. I think leaving very visible reminders can be helpful.
When I was a kid and I left for school I would only lock the screen door not the wood door (we just didn’t have enough sets of keys for both) and I would do the same when I got home just to make easier for my mom to get inside. When I went to college my apartment didn’t have a screen door since we had a security gate at the front of the building. I didn’t notice I never locked the wood door when I got home until my roommate specifically pointed it out. I realized it was because there was no screen door to trigger the habit. This being said, it only took one reminder from her for me to check myself and thankfully we never had a break in during that time.
The last story feels EXTREMELY familiar to my ADHD experiences. The number of times I got reamed by my parents because I forgot something that they couldn't imagine forgetting. Notes and alarms don't tend to help for long. ADHD is literally a disorder of executive function so "normal" aids don't always work. I agree with the idea of an auto-lock, and that the situation needs to be addressed one way or another. It makes sense to be angry and to express that. But OP shouldn't bring all of that energy to the table when trying to problem solve. Coming at him with anger and shame is guaranteed to fail. It doesn't present solutions. It only beats down the hope of doing better.
Thank you so much Shaaba, I know that you probably won't see this comment, but as someone with OCD, hearing you suggest things like that app are so helpful and you're also just so understanding. Not only for that, but also just thank you for being you and brightening my days :)
My brother and father always thought it was weird when my mom and I would automatically lock certain doors, but my mom and I have both lived by ourselves and they haven't. Just a difference of habits and it's not as big a deal either way where we are. I would be upset if I didn't feel safe without locked doors no matter where we lived, especially with kids around.
It also feels like it might be a privilege of being a man and feeling secure enough to not need to? Might be a stretch, but it feels like that sometimes..
With the locking the doors one, I can absolutely relate and sympathize, but the husband really needs to brainstorm things that would help him to remember, because it’s a serious matter of safety.
I have ADHD, and I used to forget to lock my car on occasion; often enough that it was concerning. Luckily, nothing was stolen or anything, but it kept making me feel awful for forgetting.
So, I worked out a system to remind myself to always check before walking away. When I first open the door, I immediately hit the Lock switch, locking all the doors. Then I gather my stuff, make sure I have my keys with me, then shut the door. When I shut the door, I keep my hand on the door handle, and I pull the handle once it’s closed, to make sure it’s locked. If it’s not locked, the door will reopen, and it’ll remind me to make sure it’s locked. At this point, it’s all second nature, but it was a habit I needed to work on.
I hope OP and their husband can find something that works for them! ❤
I think for the first one, I would've said NAH, and drawing on some of the other responses, maybe suggest that the OP try actually _talking_ to all his kids and asking them what they want, and also explaining how much the family ranch means to him and what he'd hope they'll do with it after he's gone. After not really being there for most of them, it seems like that kind of openness and honesty is the least he could do to make it up to them. But then I've never exactly experienced an absentee parent, just one who was emotionally distant for a long time, so I don't know if this approach would help.
hi shaaba!! i just wanted to say thank you for making videos, with my adhd i usually need to have something playing in the background, but when i'm overstimulated it tends to backfire. your voice is genuinely so nice and soothing though that it doesn't make the overstimulation worse and really helps me out! i hope you're having a really good day, you deserve nothing but kindness!
There's no way that if my parent had only a short time to live that i would be pestering them about their will, or even thinking about it! I find his kids actions unbelievable.
People will argue it's his fault for being a bad dad but I definitely wouldn't be bothering an estranged parent about their will either.
That's probably because your parents love you, and didn't abandon like 70% of their kids.
I have an absentee father and I genuinely wouldn't care if he were dead. This man not only abandoned me fully once he realised my mother wouldn't sleep with him anymore (I was 8 months old), we know since that he has left several families behind and this is a pattern of behaviour. He has no excuses, his adoptive parents were lovely people who raised him well and he wasn't old enough to remember the parents before.
My mum even tried to get someone to track him down so he'd have to visit me here and there (she didn't care about his money) but they couldn't find him. Wouldn't be surprised if he took on other names to dodge responsibility.
And let's just remember that OP was not having kids at a time with no contraception. It was widely avaliable since the 60s. Yeah, he had a kid when he was 15, which was likely a mistake, but after that, he knew what he was doing. He knew his actions would result in another child he'd likely abandon after having the first.
I just don't think you guys get how it's perfectly natural and okay for people who have been abused and/or neglected to stop feeling sorry for their abuser. Until you've been in that situation, please don't tell victims how to feel. Of course they feel entitled to something in the will, it's the bare minimum their absolute joke of a father can do after not being in their lives likely from baby age and- we don't know because he doesn't mention- likely not paying all of the child support, either. I wouldn't put it past him. Plus the fact we don't know of any other horrible things he could have done, since he's the narrator, but welcoming three of the kids back certainly would feel like favouritism if I was one of the others, even though it was admitted by him it was forced.
@@beththedarkmage3359 ofcourse I understand your feelings and yes you do have the right to be angry. If I had an absentee parent I still wouldn't care about their will though, I wouldn't want anything from them.
For first story - I agree with your verdict in this situation, but I can see why OP is getting torn apart. My partners dad was similarly absent, but later present for his step kids and I think after death those wounds open up all over again. Receiving one last slap in the face after OPs death isnt going to help. Hes NTA for doing what hes doing but trying to make it more equal would have been one way to show some care for his kids after all the crappy years.
When I was 18 I would always get locked out of my apt because I forgot my keys and locked the door knob. My Dad was kind enough to buy a door knob with a code. It automatically locks until the code is put in, and I still have a key for the deadbolt. $100 isn't nothing, but sometimes it's helpful to pay the ADHD tax forwards
On the last one generally, the sticky note idea is good and for ADHD folk we have to accept that so many things won’t work for us and some things will, and those things that work are limited time. We have to build a collection of strategies we can rotate through because yeah the sticky note reminder will cease to exist once it’s been there long enough (specifically how long really depends on the individual). This mindset of accept it will eventually fail, like a tolerance to pain medication, so you don’t beat yourself up even more when it does. For the door, they should consider using more than one method at a time, and definitely the electric lock, which has a manual key option if the power is out. One of my personal methods for remembering (most) the things in the ‘out the door sequence’ is to make up a story, song, rhyme, whatever feels right. Every item I need is listed, and checking the door is locked is the last bit before let’s gooo.