you can't breastfeed here 👀 r/AITA
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- hi peaches, in today's deep dive into the subreddit AITA we're talking parents and parenting, latching babies, baking colleagues, and that awkward moment when someone says you look pregnant but you're not. oops. grab a cuppa and let's go fishing 🎣 🍑 ✨
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Be kind and have a great day (:
Breastfeeding. Baby needs feeding. Then baby gets fed.
It's really simple. Baby's needs come before people's sense of propriety and constructed social niceties.
You could always leave the room if you are offended by something so natural.
If you can't separate breasts from their primary function and the sexualisation of boobs, then it's a you problem.
I will die on this hill. lol
I will die on this will alongside you
I’ve been saying this for YEARS
Planting flag 🚩on hill and making stand as well!
Is the hill large enough for me too? This is the hill I want to die on!
Yesss no other animals have sexualized breasts. And even if you do, that is not the important use of them
@@momamiandkiddokelsi9027
The more the better
We shall make a shieldwall!
It's impolite to comment on people apperance, but in this situation there's another risk. Just imagine "I thought you were pregnant" - "I was. We lost the pregnancy". Aaaaand you're a giant AH in 2 seconds flat.
Equally people struggling with infertility, hearing someone bringing up something you may never be able to have and/or be desperately be wanting could be really hard to deal with
Happened to a person i know. she was literally having a miscarriage right there, while she was out with her daughter. When a stranger come up and talking to the daughter about wouldn't she like to have a sibling, poor lonely child, she really needs a sibling. WHILE the mom is having a miscarriage right there (unbeknown to anyone present but her). Know your place and be careful what you say.
Came here to say this. You never know what someone else is going through. I get that as family, the sister might have had other reasons for her misconception about SIL's pregnancy or be coming from a place of good intentions, but there are still better ways to go about asking/clarifying.
My partner has suggested we get house cleaning, maybe twice a month, only to dust of and do the cleaning we cant.. We both have very low energy due to long covid, my partner works full time IT, and i don't work because i can't, so i basically take care of all cleaning in the house, but its a lot and having someone come, dust off and maybe washing the floor once in a while would be so good for me. But having someone come so often is excessive.. Especially when both people aren't working..
I do have low low energy, but i swing the vacuum once a week, i clean up all messes, wash all clothes and hang it to try and fold it, i collect trash, i load the dish washer, i buy groceries, water the flowers and basically do everything BUT dusting off as its too much work.. My partner makes food most days, and help with the trash, but he also works full time.
For the banana bread one, info: did they TELL her that they don't like banana bread OR did they just reject it without telling her? I feel like a reason is good to say amd it's not really a massive private issue so I would've straight up said I dislike banana bread. Perhaps she thought they were just straight up rejecting it? She still shouldn't have resorted to name calling anyone can reject something if they so please.
I always make it abundantly clear what things I dislike. Like lots of types of cakes. To be clear I like the taste and look of cake however they make me sick alot of the time probably because of the overly sugared frostings and my minor allergy to eggs. So I will either not eat cake or take a small sliver of cake cause a little won't usually cause any issue. Also perhaps it was her first time making banana bread, I dislike people who think it's just so easy to make things you may not make ever or all the time. It usually does take me alot of time to bake something for the first time or I mess up a step. Baking really isn't that hard when you practice it, but being new to doing it is full of mess ups and time wasters.
I disagree. You should be able to say no without a reason.
@@HighAsHeckPriestess "No is a complete answer" is the best sentence I've learned on the internet.
Making baked goods for one person in a workplace is odd to me, banana bread is by its nature shareable. She could've offered it around to her immediate coworkers, and saved a slice for the new friend on the other floor at lunchtime, if they wanted.
AHHHHH another single from Shaaba!!!!!
it sounds like the wife from the cleaning story is just rich and spoiled ngl. like you don't actually need a cleaner to come in EVERY DAY. that's ridiculous. your house won't get dirty that fast and you also don't need your bed to be made, nothing will happen to the bed if it is not made. i understand hiring someone to come like every few weeks or every month to do like hoovering/dusting etc, but expecting your partner to pay for a service you explicitly agreed they would not pay for because they don't want it... is spoiled. maybe i'm being too harsh here, i understand chores are boring and can be stressful, but also it just feels like she's spoiled. everyone else does chores, if you don't want to dip into your savings to continue funding the cleaners then suck it up and deal with the "stress" of doing your own dishes and your own laundry and emptying your own bin in your hobby room. You could probably still pay for a cleaner to come in like once a month to hoover if you really don't want to do that part (i would totally pay for someone to hoover my house if i could).
I had to leave my work due to I’ll health prior to that myself my dad and sister all worked full time my dad i split the chores (my sister is a nurse who works almost as much as dad and i combined) and all bills where split between us since I left work the housework is now my responsibility dose it annoy me yes do I enjoy doing it no way but i do that in exchange for my dad and sister paying my 3rd of the bills between them leaving me with only my phone and streaming which I can pay from my disability each month
Lies. No one dislikes banana bread. Fake news.
(I kid. There's always reasons. I can't judge. )
Tbh although I detest bananas I actually don't *hate* banana bread, I won't eat a large amount and prefer the crusty bits at the ends/edges that are the most cooked bits, but banana bread > banana anything else.
With the banana bread thing - another reason she should have cleared it with OP is that OP might have food allergies or insensitivities that would have prevented them from eating whatever she made. It sounds like OP DIDN’T have that issue, but the person making the banana bread had no way of knowing that ahead of time.
Banana allergy is a real thing so very well could be true. I'm allergic and had people not believe me so now I don't even bother explaining and just say no. I would've just accepted and tossed it or given it to someone else.
Yep, I’m allergic to bananas, so that was my first thought. Doesn’t sound like it’s the case here, but you never know! Or OP could just have dietary restrictions/requirements/preferences. It’s ok to feel a little hurt that your well-intended gift couldn’t be received, but I do think the reaction was a bit much (and I say that as a very sensitive person).
@@anonymoususer5853 yeah and even some people have wheat allergies, gluten free etc you could really make someone sick and have no idea what someone else might not be able to eat
@@anonymoususer5853 I may have just accepted it as well, but then that may open the door to her attempting to make you more and/or questions about why you don’t eat it in front of her. It can be so frustrating if someone can’t take a “no thanks” as an answer!
For that first one : I actually hate how everyone called them the drama for refusing something they didn't want, people have to right to refuse things. She didn't have to blow up over something like that, OP didn't want it so they politely decline. Forcing someone to take something they don't want isn't okay, simple as that.
Edit : spelling
I'm vegan so if people offer me something, I say no thanks. It's not that I'm against them making it. But if they ask why and I say because I'm vegan, then they either feel they need to make vegan options in the future, or that I'm criticizing their food. It's totally OK to not want something. Everyone has their reasons, and it should not be taken so personally.
Agreed. I have a gluten intolerance. I have to tell people no often if they try to give me food as a gift and it has gluten. Sometimes saying no is the right option.
I always thought that those sitcom situations where someone accepts something they don't like to be polite, and then gets stuck having to pretend they like it every time it's given to them, were ridiculous situations made up for laughs. Every commenter that thinks OP is the AH is actually one of those sitcom characters :\
Part of me feels OP could have tried a teensy tiny bite, but refusing doesn't make OP the A just at most a slight bit impolite. The other person instantly getting angry though, that's a weird jump and pretty A behavior imo. In any instance when I ever bring food for someone without discussing it first, I bring something I'd like to eat as well. If they refuse, there's more for me! Haha
I could not agree more with you. I was going to say about allergies & diet regimes for everything from weight loss through veganism to type 2 diabetes, but others have already mentioned these kind of things. Not everybody will eat your food, & you have to accept that, or at the very least ask about food when you are eating lunch. Listen to people, ask them about stuff, then gift accordingly. How is that so hard???
As I once said to my Aunt, it's the food I didn't like, I said no to, not her being a person I wanted to have a relationship with.
what a good way of putting it
1979, my mum's firstborn was a baby, very easy, bouncy, baby boy.
She was on a train, in one of those old-timey small carriages, with a stranger; a very prim and proper older man.
So when Tom woke up and conveyed "it is now food time please", my mum said, awkwardly, "my baby needs to eat, so-"
"Say no more." said the gent, got up, left the carriage... and stood guard. People wanting to go in, he stopped them, said "there's a lady feeding her child, she needs privacy"
I'm glad we've moved on from that age. But even then, a good man knew it was his duty to bear the inconvenience, to provide the privacy that was then still deemed necessary.
Nearly 45 years later: no excuse.
This story made me a bit emotional, thank you for sharing it 🥹 I do believe that if you are a good person, your goodness will shine through, even when you have more to learn yet. If your first instinct is being kind, you're halfway there ❤
Hmmmm this happened in 1979?
@@LouforYous possibly early 1980, but Tom was a baby for a relatively short period of time, like most people.
@@erinjohnson7329 in the UK?
@@LouforYous yep. Presumably England, presumably somewhere Midlands-ish.
I'm confused as to why Reddit was so offended at the guy not wanting to accept the banana bread. Like I'm a sensitive person myself, but like people shouldnt be forced to accept food they don't like.
Exactly. If you really don’t like a certain food, there’s not much you can do about it. For me it’s anything zucchini related. 😅
As someone who does not like banana bread, I would also tell her no. I would add that I don't like banana bread, but it was a sweet thing to try and do for me. I appreciate the effort, but I do not want it to go to waste so she should give it to someone who likes banana bread. If she insists, as she did in the story, she can get bent. Sorry not sorry, at that point she is just being an ass.
Also.. I would never ever gift FOOD if I wasn't 100% sure they liked/could even eat it! They could be allergic to any number of ingredients in the recipe and no one is entitled to your medical history. Just saying no I don't want it or no I don't like it should be enough. She can say she's disappointed but .. then she should recognize that's on her, "oh that's so disappointing, I should have asked.. sorry to put you on the spot. What are some of your favorite breads/foods?"
(Also as a side note, as someone who works in a multi floored office building.. if someone who I occasionally bumped into in the break room tracked down my cubicle and showed up out of the blue with an unsolicited gift.. I would assume that it was a romantic overture. My GUESS is that the girl was embarrassed because it felt like she was being rejected ROMANTICALLY after putting herself out there)
@@InThisEssayIWill... I agree with your first statement. I have a gluten allergy and I’ve had people try to gift me food with gluten in it. I have to politely tell them I can’t eat it.
I’m autistic and I just cannot fathom why you would lie over NOTHING. It’s bread. She can eat it herself, she can freeze it, she can give it to other people. If she wanted a guaranteed yes, she should’ve asked something the day before, or waited a few meals to make something. Based on the her reaction, I think we may understand why she is alone at lunch.
But seriously, why lie? You don’t build friendships on lies. Stop the bullshit and just be HONEST with people. The more that people are honest, the less “weird” it’s going to feel. It’s like those polite refusals of offers of drinks at someone’s house, when you are actually supposed to say no on the third try. Why the hell is that a thing? Just say yes or no. Throw in a Please or Thank You to be your courteous dance.
I’m autistic and I just cannot fathom why you would lie over NOTHING. It’s bread. She can eat it herself, she can freeze it, she can give it to other people. If she wanted a guaranteed yes, she should’ve asked something the day before, or waited a few meals to make something. Based on the her reaction, I think we may understand why she is alone at lunch. Also, making something specifically for someone you just met once is WEIRD. Back off, that’s over eager and suggests a high level of neediness.
But seriously, why lie? You don’t build friendships on lies. Stop the bullshit and just be HONEST with people. The more that people are honest, the less “weird” it’s going to feel. It’s like those polite refusals of offers of drinks at someone’s house, when you are actually supposed to no until the third offer. Why the hell is that a thing? Just say yes or no. Throw in a Please or Thank You to be your courteous dance.
Yeah, I'm also autistic and I tend to lie about those things since I've been taught pretty firmly that politeness > boundaries. It's a bad habit that negatively effects me and the giver, and one I want to get out of, not something to encourage
@@osheridan it’s hard knowing when you are supposed to basically lie to be polite, when the lie is self-serving protector, or whatever the motivation or circumstance or purpose might be. There’s so many “polites” that require lies, and others that don’t, and it’s really hard to keep track of it all. And the thing is.. it’s different in every country, region, culture, and even by family. You get kinda used to lying. I hate it, and I still find myself doing it a lot out of habit as a recovering people pleaser.
Like my Sister’s in laws have an open door policy. If you want to show up, you just show up and calling or texting ahead could be perceived as rude. I’ve heard it’s common in some Indian, Asian, cultures. Meanwhile my family and my in laws, you need to at least text before you head over.
Then there’s a country like Germany, where you are just expected to answer bluntly and honestly. I’m sure there’s some nuances that are difficult for autistic folk, but man it sounds nice compared to most of the “polite British” culture that permeates so much of the US as the cultural majority.
From the sounds of things they were talking to each other regularly at lunch before the banana bread incident happened? So it's not QUITE as weird as making something for someone you only met once, if I understood the story correctly. Still, I definitely don't think OP should have lied like some people were suggesting. I'm neurotypical so I understand where they were coming from - usually, if someone (neurotypical) does something for you, they attach a lot of emotion to it. If their *efforts* aren't appreciated, they think you don't appreciate *them*. It's not actually about appreciating the result, but about appreciating the effort made, most of the time. (Anyone who insists you try something you don't like is ridiculous.) The "diplomatic" part would be phrasing, so the (neurotypical) person knows that their thoughts were appreciated, just not the result. "Oh, that's very kind of you! Unfortunately, I really don't like banana bread. I'm flattered you thought to make me something though!" Something like that. I suspect OP was just... blunt, and not very socially adept, and so this woman now feels like they're rejecting HER and not just her bread.
Even as a neurotypical person I recognize that this behavior isn't LOGICAL, but... that tends to be the way we think, even though it's silly.
Breastfeeding: get over it dude it's 2024.
For the cleaner story: I'm almost wondering if the wife's need for a cleaner is based more in emotional/social needs rather than a physical need for things to be clean. My grandmother (who is blind) has a cleaner, and part of the reason she comes as often as she does is because the two of them are friends. If the wife feels a sort of famillial/platonic connection with this particular cleaner, then I think that could explain why she seems to be so upset about this, as well as explaining the need for the cleaner to come so often.
It didn't SOUND like that from the post, but the way it was worded (that the wife was used to cleaners being in every day if I'm remembering right) makes me wonder if something about having them in frequently feels like part of a "normal" family dynamic for her and she feels lost or unstable without that particular structure, so it's a huge adjustment for her.
@SRHtheHedgehog I totally see your point, but I think it's really important to remember that this story isn't from her point of view. If the op is assuming something or if the wife is having trouble communicating or identifying what she's feeling, then it's entirely possible. Not that I'm trying to say this is absolutely what's happening, but 3 sides to every story and all that. I just felt it was a little unfair to assume the wife in the story was spoiled.
When it comes to cleaning, there is only ONE chore I refused to do. DISHES. And that's for two reasons: 1: I do all the cooking for my family. If I cook, you clean. And 2: When I was a kid, my step dad was a white-glover (meaning he would literally check how clean stuff was with a white glove) and he always made me do the dishes. EVERY DAY! Got a date on Saturday night and didnt get home till your 11pm curfew? Got an away game four counties over? Spending the night at a friends and wont be back till mid-day tomorrow? Tough Luck. You better believe those dishes were LEFT WAITING for me. So...eff doing the dishes.
I am sorry you had to live through that😣
I feel you. No white gloves, but my stepdad was so through that I swore he was seeing stuff!
I would spend HOURS washing dishes, getting soaked, trying desperately to clean them enough. Once he made me carry a pot around the house as punishment for not finishing all the dishes cuz I missed a cup.
I’ve genuinely never understood when people associated “not wanting the food I made” with “not liking me”. I make food all the time to share with people, and sometimes it’s at a spur of the moment without me stopping to ask if said person liked x or if they had any food allergy to x. And if they said they didn’t want it, regardless of if they disclosed a reason or not, it’s like “cool, no worries. Oh hey, for the future what do you like?” Which makes for a nifty conversation starter.
Hell, I know people who won’t eat anything prepared at someone else’s house or given by someone else in general due to hygienic reasons (had a coworker who outright would not participate in any potluck because she didn’t know if the people had pets and if they kept up the cleaning for said pets. Which is something that never even crossed my mind before until she mentioned it). Chances are, unless they explicitly say it is, it’s not about you.
Emotional repression
I'm wondering if the wife who won't clean hasn't ever learned how and might be embarrassed that she doesn't know how. It isn't as intuitive as people who are used to it think. Maybe the OP could offer some coaching while explaining that they won't be paying for a professional.
I've been looking for this comment! I was also thinking that maybe the wife didn't know how to clean properly and efficiently, especially since she's had a maid since she was a child. I'd say have the housekeeper come twice a month for maybe 2-3 months, and op should help the wife learn how to do various chores or at least help her find videos on how to do the chores. That would be a good compromise for cutting back on expenses while also helping the wife's stress.
That or neurodivergent I and it's hard for her to clean like me I have adhd and when I use to go over family members houses I use to clean bc it was fun and alot of my family has adhd so their rooms and houses weren't clean either but when it comes to my own room I have to classic adhder chair with tons of clothes on it multiple piles of clothes I can't wear that I keep forgetting to put on poshmark/depop I feel she and I could benefit from body double it's were you need another person in the room who doesn't need to help you but just them being their gives you the push to finish the task , also I know a youtuber for Harriet talked about her hoardering issues when she was unmedicated with adhd and got a cleaner the video is called( I got dragged on Twitter because I'm a hoarder. Let's discuss it ) but I do see it could be your point to the idea that women are natural cleaners isn't true and it's harmful
Regarding the breast feeding.. I was worried about how weird it might be trying to breastfeed in front of even a nurse let alone my dad, who lives with us. After a day or 2 of adjustment absolutely no issues. I'd just whip a boob out, no stress. He didn't care, I didn't care, baby was fat and happy❤😂 I don't understand people who make it weird or uncomfortable when it doesn't have to be.
We do separate laundry. I'm picky about how my clothes are washed. I always use cold water, I'm careful about which fabrics I put together (like no jeans with delicate fabrics ECT...) and have a lot of items I hang to dry. My partner has fewer delicate fabrics and puts everything in the dryer. She also sometimes uses high heat in the dryer when I only use the lowest heat setting. It's not reasonable for me to expect her to magically know all my rules for specific items in the wash.
Same in this household. My partner does their own laundry and the kids but I’m fussy about it so I do my own.
@@twinning1944 ya, early on in us living together, like 10 years ago, I just about had a heart attack when she tossed all my load into the dryer on high heat, so she could use the washer. In my head I had to be like "breath....don't be a psycho, don't be a psycho, don't be a psycho, she didn't know". Out loud I think I was more like "heeeyyyyyy....so this might be be abnormally important to me, but I try really hard to protect my nice clothes from being ruined in the washer in dryer. I know you were just trying to be helpful and also get your own laundry started. In the future it would probably be best for you to just toss them in a basket and let me sort through them."
That’s the reason I am responsible for the household laundry 😅 If my partner needs to take over I will give him very detailed instructions about what can go in the dryer, what needs to be washed with what, etc but tbh I try to avoid the situation. Doing laundry is also a chore I kind of like so it works for us that I do it and it’s only if I am away for a while that my partner will do laundry, and then usually only his own, which suites me fine.
I have OCD, so I do my own laundry and have to rinse the washing machine after my mum uses it for hers, because I could not stand having my clothes mixed with somebody else's, even family. Is it weird? Yes, but I want it that way.
@@marial870 do what you got to do, as long as it's not a compulsion that interferes with your life. I kinda get it though. When I lived at home, I never minded sharing the wash with my dad, cause he always smelled clean and was as conscientious about his uniform shirts as I was about my shirts. But I couldn't allow my clothes to mix with my brothers, cause at least when we were teens, he was always stinky and his clothes still smelled a bit like him after they were washed.
Geez the comments under the 1st story is some kind of neurotipical bullshit I was not ready for. "yes you are the asshole, because you didn't lie and didn't pretend that you like something, you don't actually like, for the sake of who the fuck knows what, some very serfice level fake af relationships, because the woman can't stand someone saying no to her" wtf?
The cleaning one doesn't make that much sense to me. Why do they have to clean so much, and why is this person doing all these chores despite the cleaning ladies coming the next day?
Maybe because they're a neat freak and don't want the cleaning ladies to think they're a slob. My mom was like that. Everything had to be spotless, her kitchen floor was so clean you could eat off of it.
It sounds to me like OP learned good cleaning habits and wife didn't get the oportunity to do the same growing up. I'd have suggested they cut the cleaning way back and he help her develop the habits so cleaning is no longer stressful but just something that happens automatically. There's an insane amount of content available for people like OPs wife. I know because I didn't have good habits and was killing myself trying to keep up the house when I first got married. I still feel like I have a ways to go and I'm realizing that with my disability some tasks it is worth it to outsource. Cleaning and even just tidying is a skill that has to be developed. Frankly imho the drama here is the parents who failed to teach their child how to take care of themselves. MIL should be coming over to help or paying for the cleaning, or FIL if they're the more cleaning minded spouse. However, saying even with love to just "get over it" is like telling someone who never learned to read to just read it. She needs to learn how sure, but it's not something you master overnight and expecting that is only going to make it more difficult to learn.
Honestly it's probably just second nature to OP to do those things if they grew up doing them. It didn't sound like they were doing any deep-cleaning- wiping down the sink and shower when they're done with them is probably the most extra-sounding of anything they listed, but wiping them down immediately after use is a great way to help prevent hard water stains and soap scum buildup, and is frankly just a good habit to have (especially if your water is super hard even with a softener). Everything else except dusting imo (unless allergies) just sounds like things that would be nice to not have to wait for cleaners on- especially the floors if they walk around barefoot and the kitchen if they do a lot of the cooking.
It got me wondering what degree of stress OP’s spouse is experiencing, I think the impact on mental health is worth considering if this is causing significant distress. Developing skills and habits definitely could help alleviate stress if that’s the only issue, but if there’s other factors contributing to the stress perhaps having cleaners is worth the relief for them.
@@UntitledWorkInProgressi agree,
yes they can’t afford a cleaner right now but i think it could help OP and their wife to have a real discussion about why cleaning is so stressful for her and how they can come to a compromise together. there must be a reason if it stresses her out that much.
I wonder if the banana bread person was hoping that a romantic connection was happening? The putsize reaction suggests a bigger disapointment than just banana bread related.
Yeah, I wonder if it was a pretext to a little lunch date. Still don't think he's TA.
I to suspect this since she tracked him down.
It all started with banana bread love…..
Could be. Pushing gifts to strangers is kind of a stalker thing.
That might be the missing piece here, yeah.
Refusing food you don't want and didn't ask for doesn't make you an asshole.
Being weird about breastfeeding does make you an asshole. She's right to avoid her dad during this time.
Re: the partner who grew up with a cleaning service, if she's had that all her life, she may genuinely not know how to do basic cleaning with confidence. There may be an element of insecurity underneath the want, and she may need to be taught how to do laundry/sweep/mop etc. properly. Not being taught "basic skills" can be weird and difficult to confront as an adult. That being said, she needs to learn and understand that yeah, budgeting means if you can't afford a thing, you learn to live without it.
Food pushers are the worst. No means no, regardless of the topic. If I say I don't want your food, I don't want it and I don't need to explain why. No is a complete answer.
For the last one: as someone with an autistic friend that I sometimes need to coach about social norms and what he should avoid saying, the sister is being the AH. My friend accidentally called someone fat. When I explained to him why he was being rude, he took it on the chin and said that while he didn't fully understand, he wouldn't do it again. No guilt-tripping, no gaslighting. Just a "sorry" to the person he offended and hasn't done it since. Sister clearly has never been called out before and needed it
But she never actually called anyone fat...
@@kathleenanne7868 not outright, but it had the same effect/connotation behind it. It's kind of a socital norm that by calling someone who isn't pregnant, pregnant, you're implying that they have gained enough weight to appear pregnant. Doesnt help that even after it was explained that she offended the wife she doubled down and didn't apologize for mis-speaking. While it was never her intention, she still should've apologized
For the first story: what if OP had allergies, and was just trying to be polite? Is OP then obligated to disclose that to "justify" not taking the bread?? Of course not!
No means no. If someone politely declines to eat something you made them _without asking,_ you're not even an entitled to a reason why. Just accept the refusal and move on. OP is absolutely NTA.
Banana bread: what if gf/intolerant of ingredients/got eating issues? I would never make food without knowing dietary needs/preferences first
#3 OP does their own chores when they had a maid come in every other day? Sounds like the wife liked the status and ability to get her area seen to. Doesn't sound like OP was getting much benefit from this at all.
4:09 no consent is a thing. If someone says no thank you then walk away she does not seem like somebody who will respect boundaries and if she won't respect the boundary over banana bread what other boundaries does she not respect?
OK but also she met somebody once who she's been around at the gym. it's pretty presumptuous of her to assume that he was going to have lunch with her in the first place much less that he would be happy to have her spend hours working on a gift that he didn't want.
6:33 oh my God I nursed for five years and both my kids had trouble latching in the beginning. This is so creepy!
Also… Have a pediatric dentist check for an tongue tie or a lip tie if you're having trouble latching.
YES! This.
I love baking. I frequently make banana bread. It takes a little over an hour in the oven. I’d be scared of banana bread that took hours.
Also if I’m baking for someone I try to know what they like or can eat. Say if I was baking for my friend I’d make sure it was vegan and if I had a new friend I would ask what kind of things they liked. Or I would have an ingredient list in case. Also getting a little hurt is fine but calling the person an ahole for not liking a food is not
Yup, my mom used to pop it in the oven & take my big brother for a tricycle ride around the block. The banana bread would be ready by the time they got back ~50 minutes later.
Why would accepting the banana bread and giving it to someone else the first story be better? What if op gave it to someone the friend also knows and doesn't know the context and tells the friend? That would hurt more than just telling the truth.
Exactly! It also sets some weird precedent where she keeps bringing him things that he doesn't like and he keeps accepting them "to be polite".
It's things like this that cause people to end up in long-term relationships without knowing basic things about the other person.
Where does it stop? For their 50th wedding anniversary is she going to make him banana bread, because "he loves it" and she used to make him one every week when they first got close?
Congrats to the new song. 🎶
Late diagnosed ADHD here. I never understood the concept of polite lying. It creates so many issues and you have to remember all your lies. Yeah I'm sometimes rude but when I give a compliment people know that I mean it and if friends don't want an honest opinion they do not ask.
Also what is it with the covering up of mums who feed their babies. It is the most normal thing in the world people (to feed a baby not to cover up 😇), if you don't like it look in the other direction.
As an autistic ADHDer, I concur. Like I was over at someone’s house, and they asked if I wanted something, I said yes, and my friend elbowed me and said “you’re supposed to say no a couple times first.its polite.” I thought saying please, thank you, you’re welcome, waiting my turn, and not taking all of one item was signs of politeness, not this bullshit dance lying with a no when I know I want that thing.
I have a legitimate fear of food, eating is a whole thing for me, if someone got mad bc I wouldn't eat a foreign food from someone I just met I would literally be at a loss for words xD
edot: people saying 'every sucks here' for that one is truly baffling
For the cleaner story: I have bipolar disorder and when I get bipolar depressed. It's different from regular depression. It's hard to do dishes, make my bed, do my laundry, and even take a shower. You're just so deep in that depression. I would only justify getting a cleaner during that time if I can afford it, but since I can't I do my best. Otherwise I would never get a cleaner cuz I hate people touching my things.
I can't get over the fact that the woman came to his desk to give him banana bread that she wanted him to eat at lunch, why not just bring it at lunch then and offer it to him there?
Honestly she sounds like a stalker. Good riddance for OP, probably.
"Wow, how thoughtful of you!" is a great preface for refusal.
I wanted a cleaner every other week and my husband didn't. We were both unable to keep the house as clean as we wanted, so he let me hire one. I'd never ask him to pay for it, though
Seems to me, it's not really about the banana bread. She misunderstood his friendliness and wanted to progress further into a relationship. Him refusing the bread was (in her mind) actually a rejection of her as a potential partner. He's still NTAH.
First one - if it took her "hours" to make banana bread she doesn't know what she's doing, and it's not safe to eat it. Also NTA. I think she came to strongly, should have give it a week or so.
I'm picturing the banana bread baker frantically mixing up batter after batter, with different loaves labelled “more sugar”, “avocado oil”, “chocolate chips” etc., in her apron streaked with banana mush that reads “cooking is an art, baking is a SCIENCE” tasting banana bread after banana bread, and each time with a clenched fist and widened eyes declaring “it's just not _right_ !”
I think the first one, he probably should've thanked her for the thought, then said no thank you. Addressing the kindness before rejecting the item may have helped.
It’s not kindness. It is a social imposition to demand gratitude for something unasked for. It’s entitled.
Why isn’t the onerous on her to ask, “Hey, I like baking. Is there a dessert you like?”
Then OP could have said, “Oh, we’ll, I don’t like banana bread.” Or OP could have even said, “No thanks.”
Just flopping the bread down and demanding, “EAT IT AND THANK ME!” is not about caring how OP feels.
OP is nta but a kinder rejection may have helped smooth over the situation. If they still want to be friends with this person then they might want to go out of their way to handle it with grace.
It's quite hypocritical to get upset about something someone says to you while simultaneously not allowing themto express that they're upset about something you said to them, lol, especially if the thing you're upset about is that someone else complained about your words being upsetting.
Wow, that got circular/meta kinda quickly.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but it seems to me that if the extent of your relationship to someone is that you ate lunch at work with them a handful of times, then tracking down their cubicle to give them baked goods is kind of overstepping boundaries.
Especially if you fly off the handle when they don't want to share lunch with you. Big yikes.
The first one, exactly, if you accept the first banana bread and say omg this is delicious this is how you end up with a lot of banana bread for the rest of your friendship.
God forbid you do this with zucchini bread (and you don't like zucchini bread), to a coworker who grows zucchini.
1. NTA, consent doesn't only matter in the bedroom
2. NTA, does he want you to starve the poor thing?
3. NTA, your wife needs to learn personal responsibility
4. NTA, as a neurodivergent person I tend to say the wrong thing as well, you know what you do then? Just say sorry and don't say it again
#1 NTA - the coworker should have said something like "I qas thinking of making some banana bread, would you like some"
#2 NTA- for obvious reasons
#3 NTA- they should go back to twice a month for rhe cleaners, which would drop the cost from approximately $750 a month to around $100-$150, which the wife could presumably afford. They could do moderate cleaning in between. I've never had cleaners fwtw.
#4 NTA- if someone is pregnant they will probably tell you, if they feel you need to know."It's okay to be wrong," is something everyone needs to hear.
I feel like there is a compromise to be made on the cleaner story.
The last story. How is one needing to "grow up" and yet being "too serious?" Trying to DARVO so hard she's talking in circles.
At first, I thought you meant Shaaba, and I was confused. I had to rewind to catch what you were referring to.
I just made banana bread. It took an hour to bake. Not HOURS, plural
on the note of laundry: i always fond it interesting how many variances households have for their individual laundry.
growing up, everyone's laundry was done together, mainly because it was very easy to distinguish who's things where who's based on size and style. my brother and i have a 7 year age gap and we grew up with a single mother so, everyone's laundry was obvious to sort.
fast forward to now: each member of my household does their own laundry and we keep our things separate because 3/4 of us wear the same underwear type and we all have the same basic fashion (jeans and t-shirts) and two of us are similarly sized. it's a pain to look at sizes when sorting through things. keeping everything separated just makes things easier for everyone to keep track of their own things and not have accidental mix ups. nothing like thinking you're ready to walk out the door, only to realize your shirt is 3 sizes too large or you underwear feel a little awkward because they're your teenage son's.
Ahhh I've never been here this early. I'm excited to watch this today after a very rough month. Can't wait to listen to the new songs!!
sending the biggest hug, manifesting that your upcoming months are much better for you than the last 💛
I understand your point for the first one, and in an ideal world, what OP did would be acceptable, but in the culture of gift giving, turning it down seems ungrateful (maybe Americans employ more white lies to spare people's feelings? Then again, I remember having to accept gifts I didn't like when I lived in Scotland too). My point is, while this was straightforward to you, I wasn't surprised when some of the forum didn't agree with you. I maybe would've tried it but mentioned other treats I actually like so she would have better ideas in the future? Also, doesn't bread dough have to proof for hours, or is banana bread different?
Yeah I don’t think OP was wrong to turn down the banana bread. However, generally when a friend/someone you’re friendly with makes you a gift, just saying “no thanks I don’t like that” comes off as rude. Another comment mentioned they usually say something to show they appreciate the thought/effort someone else put into making it, and I agree. This is probably where OP went wrong. Some acknowledgment is probably what the lady was after, hence why she highlighted the time it took to make. Ultimately gift giving is often about more than just the gift. It’s also about affirming and strengthening the bond between the gifter and the giftee. By not appreciating the lady’s effort, OP has more or less communicated he is not really that invested in the relationship. Which is fine, if anything the lady may have been overly invested in the relationship and I think she way overreacted to having her bread turned down. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she stopped talking to him much going forward.
Also banana bread isn’t usually an actual bread. It’s more of a loaf cake that gets called bread because of the shape.
This bananabread story is soo similar to the tea consent campaign!
My husband (38M) & I (37F) have both a joint & seperate laundry. His work clothes get their own wash to avoid contaminating everything else. I also use cloth wipes with my bidet - we agreed those would be washed in bulk separately on hot to keep him from feeling yucky. The rest of cleaning, yeah we hate. But allocate who does what (I'll vacuum, but he'll empty due to my allergies) (I do the bedding cuz I'm nutty about the lines) (he'll more often take trash out, cuz I set up recycling & dishwasher). So yeah, no good reason to have a cleaner when you're having financial hardships, & maybe they're separating things fort more than growing up with a cleaner. Sounds like it's time for a grown up chat 🎉
As someone who breastfed my first son for 2.5 years and is currently breastfeeding my second son (7 months and counting), I can’t tell you all the random places I’ve had to whip out a boob, and thankfully no one has ever made it weird. I can’t believe OP’s dad is being such a jerk about it. 🙄
OMG NEW SONG I CANT WAITTTTT 🎉🎉🎉🎉
WAAAAAA 🥹
First story - unless OP is allergic to bananas, just say how appreciative you are that she went to all that effort & that you don’t usually like banana bread but that you!d be glad to try it with her at lunch…in other words, be tactful but honest.
any time I've made banana bread or anything else I offer to people and ask if they're interested FIRST.
What kind of company does the first person work at where you can't find out where one of your colleagues' office cubicle is?
I will sometimes comment on people's experience in a way not linked to self expression. But it's more like "you look radiant today " or "I can see the benefit of that vacation on your face, you look fantastic" or "you seem more relaxed today, feeling better ?" If I know they've been going though tough times.
OK about the first thing: I have a similar story. I once baked too much brownie and brought some of it to my neighbor with whom I had made small talk here and there. I rang her bell, offered some brownie, she said no thank you, and closed the door in my face. I must say I felt pretty rejected and it cooled down that relationship and I didn't even cook this dish for my neighbor the way the person in the post did so the feeling ofrejection must have been even harder.
Obviously this was a surprise, and this lady hoped that OP likes banana bread and that they could enjoy together. She meant well and did a nice gesture for this work colleague. Maybe she would have fell less silly if the other person acknowledged the gesture - there is a difference from a perfunctory "no thanks, I don't like banana bread" and leave it there to "that is such a beautiful gesture! Thank you so much! Ooh but I'm so sorry, banana bread is not my thing at all. But gosh thank you, so nice!"
But it isn't nice to assume that someone will like what you bake for them, if you haven't cleared that up first. It's a bit creepy, tbh. Trying to guilt people with gifts they don't ask for can be a stalker move. Not saying it always is, but OP has every right to refuse something they DID NOT ASK FOR.
@@marial870 I don't debate the right to refuse something you did not ask for, but it is still a nice gesture that should be acknowledged as such in my opinion.
This was someone with whom they ate at lunch regularly who went to meet them at yet another part of the company building, it is not a stranger stalking you at your home.
@@urugozo I don't consider it nice if it wasn't cleared up beforehand. Nice would be if the person offered and did it after OP confirmed his interest. Pushing something on people isn't nice. Plus, this sounds like attempt at emotional blackmail with the "I spent hours making it for you."
And looking up where OP works is a bit stalkerish, IMO. She could have waited at the cafeteria.
@@marial870 Agree to disagree. I do consider it a nice gesture even if it was not spoken about it beforehand. It is a surprise, albeit an unfortunate one. And if a colleague would bake me something I would be happy, even if it happened to be something I don't particularly like. (A kiwi tart ugh! haha)
They both work in the same place, this lady just found Ops cubicle, is it THAT big of a deal? She probably was just excited.
The only thing that might make it uncomfortable would be if this was cake with romantic expectations. That is tricky. But if it was just friendship cake I see no issue. In any case, one should reject it gently and appreciating the gesture accordingly.
@@marial870if my neighbor offered me brownies unsolicited I WOULD consider that nice. They were clearly thinking of me and hoping I would enjoy them. I'm not obligated to accept, but I would thank them for the thought.
Dude, the 30yo sisters retort made me think of talking to my 7yo foster kid.
#2 Grandma can visit you.
My first thought about food from people you don't know very well: I have tons of food allergies. I don't eat stuff from others. Buffets and pot lucks are roulette to me. I understand the "trying to be nice/kind" part of things, but if I were to accept that one banana bread, then who knows if it would become a weekly thing? And then I'd end up with a bunch of banana bread that I couldn't eat, or whoever I was giving it to would ask me to please stop. Whole new can of worms! Just politely say no, if they want to get in a huff about it, that's their problem. They should have asked first. Sometimes not all surprises are good ones even though they meant well.
People have the right to refuse food I dislike bananas in and shape or form. I have since I was a child I tried for years but still at 48 dislike bananas. I would not eat the banana bread. It been pointed out by a few that she may like/have a crush on him she did hunt him down after all. And maybe she took the rejection of her banana bread sh took ad a rejection of herself.
The first story has the same vibe as the video using tea as a metaphor for consent.
I'm a breastfeeding mom. If you have a problem with me breastfeeding you either have a problem with me or with my child, who usually comes with me. So no I'm not coming.
Story 1: so confused at Reddit attacking OP here. It’s not rude to be honest unless honesty is unnecessary, unwarranted and hurtful? It was necessary and warranted because OP was being forced to do something they don’t want to do which literally what non consensual means! You should never force someone to eat something just to please someone else’s feelings! Why is Op eating the bread necessary in her mind? Like huh? Biggest red flag to say away from this woman in the future in my opinion. It’s on her she wasted her time cause she didn’t ask first
Exactly!
The story about the coworker with the banana bread: not taking "no" as an answer is a bit of a red flag.
I spend today sick in bed, this litterally made my day so much better ❤
#1 - The girl totally wanted to be more than friends. She felt let down. I do *not* think it's okay to accept it, as that would give her the wrong idea. I want to say NAH, except that her reaction to your no thank you was out of proportion.
#2 - NTA, mostly. Wait, back up, this dad who's criticizing BFing-- how were his kids fed?! Okay, fine, I guess he's from a generation when formula was really pushed on parents. But formula is super expensive, and there have been shortages. This dad needs to get his head out of his arse and tell himself that even though he's not comfortable see his daughter's breasts, it's only in the context of feeding the baby, and he can look away or leave the room. BFing reallllllyyy hard when you're new to it, and there are a lot of variables that can make getting situated even harder. Baby has to learn how to do it right, too. OP has the right to stay home with baby until she can be treated with respect, allowed to feed her child comfortably, and baby can latch on properly. Maybe don't stay away for a full year, but do set the boundaries that you need.
#3 - NTA. The wife needs to accept that they have less money and need to live within their means. She needs to accept responsibility and clean up her own messes. Maybe make less of a mess. And for goodness's sake, don't have kids with her if she can't handle cleaning. Kids are beyond messy, and I can see her expecting a nanny and even more cleaning. If you can afford it, fine, but in this situation, no.
#4 - NTA OP clued his sister in, and that's fine.
I have a housekeeper once a week who is relatively inexpensive AND I STILL CLEAN UP. In order for her to spend her time well I make sure the floor is free so she can vacuum better. I make sure all the dishes are in the kitchen and that I have put away the clean clothes.
What I'm saying is, it's pretty ridiculous to have everything done by a housekeeper. It just makes no sense. And to be stressed out by cleaning? Girl you need to get over yourself, if you've never learned now is a great time
Same. We have a weekly cleaner, who I am really grateful for, but that doesn’t mean no cleaning at all happens the rest of the week. Beds still need to be made, kitchen still needs to be cleaned from the normal messes of cooking, cat throw up needs to be dealt with, laundry needs to be done, etc.
We were very fortunate growing up to have someone who came daily to clean but also mind us when we were little, as both my parents works full time and were not home when we came from school, but as my brother and I got older (and eventually the cleaner also came less frequently as the childminding part of the job was not required anymore) we were also expected to tidy our rooms, put away our clean clothes, and do small daily chores like dishes, clean the cat litter box, etc - increasing as we got older. My parents’ saying was always that the cleaner comes to clean, not to tidy and not to be responsible for our mess. They are helping, they are not a personal maid.
*One of my babies (now 23 years old) had a hard time nursing. We did our best, and I fed him whenever and wherever he was hungry. (Years later, we realized there had been a medical reason for the difficulties, but he's okay now.)
*Having cleaner come to the home is a luxury, regardless whether or not it feels like one. Sorry, but she's spoiled. I grew up with people cleaning our house, but I can't imagine wasting money on that. I should also add that while I was married (for 18 years) I did almost all of the housework.
*Whoever you are, reading this, have a beautiful day/night!
🙏❤🏳🌈🏳⚧🟦
I can see where reddit is comeing from on the banana bread story, but I agree they were a bit too harsh on the guy. Personally, I probably would have said something like, "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me! Actually, I am normally not the biggest fan of banana bread, but I would be happy to try it." It gives the other person an out to recind their offer, but, if they still accept, knowing that you don’t like banana bread means their expectations can be set as to your reaction upon tasteing it. It also in a way acknowledges their hard work and that you appreciate the thought of them makeing something for you.
Lady was still ultimately the drama, because who responds that way? But, I do think there were slightly better options the dude could have done.
Part of me thinks she has a crush on OP, and was reading way too much into the rejection of the banana bread. Especially because I get the impression that they didn't know each other that well, but she still tracked down his desk across five floors and spent 'hours' making a gift completely unprompted.
It is really unfortunate to me, the number of guys who don’t realize how judging a woman for breastfeeding normalizes her body being defined only by his enjoyment or discomfort. Plenty of moms struggle with their bodies being objectified during pregnancy and breastfeeding, and then even when they try to focus on doing what’s best for the baby they have to consider at all times if there’s a man in their vicinity whose discomfort weighs more heavily than her infant’s basic need. And the social stigma there is such a norm for society. 😓
I think the brother in the last one did the perfect thing. I would have thought he was the asshole if he attacked her after saying it. I’m autistic and sometimes social norms go right over my head. It was incredibly kind and understanding of the brother to text the sister and gently explain.
I also understand the sisters defensive reaction because when i have been in situations where I say the wrong thing i used to feel immediate embarrassment and self hatred because somthing that should have been obvious was not to me. I used to get defensive and abrasive so cover up the shame I felt.
Over all brother is not the drama but I do understand the sisters reaction and don’t think she is a bad person.
How did men think babies were feed before formula was developed?
Probably that women "politely" went away to do it, like with changing the diapers. So the men didn't have to see breasts in other than sexual context.
$190 a week for cleaning is like half my MONTHLY rent! Even when I was living in the most expensive place I've ever lived in with a sea view and my own bathroom, it was still only £120 a week!
Story 3: I’m almost speechless. That’s a lot of cleaning! Not the drama. Given how much OP does, what is the cleaner actually doing?
One Saturday morning I woke early at my best friend’s house with epic cramps. I called my dad and he came to pick me up. When we got home he grabbed me a hot water bottle while I foiled pain killers. 🥰
We had to stop paying for cleaner we could only afford through PIP. My partner has a physical disability and I have adhd which makes me naturally messy and struggle to remember housework. Yet we couldn't afford it, so I have to do it ! It's worth it in the long run to have a clean house 😸
For the banana bread one, part of me thinks that OP was maybe not as polite as we might believe in saying no. If it were me I would have been very clear that I really appreciated the thought and effort that person went through, but I just really didn’t like banana bread and it should go to who could enjoy it (if this were a universe in which I didnt like banana bread). That said* the coworker’s weird insistence that he try the bread right then and her guilting him make her for sure TA.
The dad/breastfeeding one, yikes. Make it clear to mom why you’re not comfortable coming, and hopefully her husband will listen to her.
The cleaning one, like everyone else, I agree that OPs wife sounds entitled and spoiled. Hardly anyone likes cleaning, but doing it is part of beibn an efing grownup. We only have someone come very sporadically as a special thing due to finances.
For the last one, it feels indicative to me of an increasing number of people not being able to accept any kind of feedback or call out. People are more fragile and take everything as a personal attack, and unfortunately, people excuse rude or hurtful behavior from people like OP’s sister and coddle them too much.
Banana bread does take a while if you are making a lot of them but no one should get upset for not trying it. Maybe he doesn't like banana's.......who knows.
In the first one, I would've been upset as the person with the banana bread if he had been really rude about it, but since none of us were there and tone does not translate to text, we cannot know for certain and politely declining is always okay. I definitely would've made sure to tell her that I appreciate the gesture a lot, but that I just don't like banana bread. I do think it's a good policy to try food you haven't eaten in a while again to see if you like it now, but that should never be an obligation. Giving people food is always a risk if you don't know them well. There's allergies and intolerances, people who are vegan, vegetarian or on a diet that's really important to them, some people fast for religious or other reasons, someone might have an eating disorder, and yes, sometimes people just don't like something. If I'm making something specifically for someone as a gift, I'll make sure I know beforehand if they would actually be able and like to eat it. Sometimes I make food and offer to share it and sometimes people say yes and sometimes they say no - both reactions are always fine!
Both me and my sister are Autistic, i can sometimes be a little blunt and direct, when people ask me my opinion they get it raw and unfiltered, but i am aware and working on that.
My sister is the type who could comment on someones body like that, and not understand why its rude - we have told her SO many times that she should not do that as it can be extremely hurtful for the person you make the comment about, and she just dosen't realize in the moment that it might be a thought best kept to oneself, and she does see why its not so nice to say stuff like that.
If we correct her she just go "oh yea right, shit.." She is worse then me, with being direct but she can also sometimes say it in a very hurtful way an tone, because she doesn't think about her tone of voice haha!
People should be able to take criticism like that and at least say "oh sorry, i will try my best not to say or do that again!"
Forcing someone to eat something they don't want to will cause the opposite effect. I would know my brother forced me to eat a grape and ever since I've had issues with eating fruits
First thought for the first story: "oh honey, it is not about the banana bread"
I'm EARLYYYY. Happy holi Shabaa 💜💙💚💛🧡❤💗
aww yay happy holi!
On the final story, it’s also important to realize that body issues can be very serious for some people. The sister may not know about past anorexia or bulimia or body dysmorphia. Saying “don’t take it so seriously” is forgetting that body issues can have real consequences and words can hurt in ways we don’t anticipate.
I have wicked allergies and ADHD. I'd love to have a house cleaner come by once in awhile, but its just not an option right now.
I love how you chose to title the video “you can’t breastfeed here” but the thumbnail says “forcefed banana bread” and my mind went “WAIT is this about some Karen being upset about a woman breastfeeding in public so she insists that the baby eats her homemade banana bread instead??” 😂
My husband and I do our laundry separately, other than towels and bedding. We both are set in our ways of how we want our laundry done. I even offered to help him fold once when I first moved in and he very sternly told me no.
i don't remember ever being this early but these videos always make my mondays
Banana bread takes three hours to make I should know I made it last month
I've never had banana bread take more than 90 minutes, from pulling out the ingredients to finishing baking. I guess if you're factoring complete cooling time then it'll be longer, but that's generally not considered in the sum of work time of baked good recipes.
The cleaner story…
They made a deal that she would pay for it herself because she wanted it (and because probably doesn’t know how to clean at all). That was the deal. It was clear and her now wanting OP to pay for it is… she’s making excuses to get OP to pay for it (feels like it).
Really really love your video’s, all the best from The Netherlands! 🤗🤗
in regards to the last post and the comment "dont tale it so seriously", this and sentenses like "dont take everythingso personaly" are phrases that I've heard waaayyy to many times by the people who bullied me in middle school
everytime something happened, like people excluding me on purpose or makeng rude comments in the open or bedind my back, everyone including the teachers always told me exactly that, aka completely gaslighting me about what was going on, to the point, where I seriously started doubting my view on reality and started to entirely neglect my boundaries (it's getting better now since I'm away from those people and I'm incredibly grateful for a now friend of mine, who at some point confessed to me that Iwas indeed right about what was going on and everyone was just gaslighting me)
I'm not saying that's the extend the sister takes it to here, it's just an example of how hurtful phrases like this can be and the amount of damage they can do if used repeatedly on the wrong person
The earliest I've ever been! 15 minutes isn't ultra fast, but faster than the 19 minutes of Jamie's last video.
I'm so early!
happy watching you early bird you
@@shaaba you're so sweet ❤️