How Do I Stop Yelling at My Girlfriend
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- How Do I Stop Yelling at My Girlfriend
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My ex used to scream at me but he saw absolutely nothing wrong with it. This guy is really going to have to find a powerful "why" he wants to change in order for it to work.
You’d pick him over a guy who’s a 6 and makes less than 100k a year every time
@@mreit28 Absolutely not. I chose a man who loves and respects me and we’ve been going strong almost 2 years now. I feel sorry for men who think that’s how dating/love works. That’s going to get you nowhere.
You wish that was true. But if you had a hotter richer guy hitting on you, you’d drop the guy you’re with like a bad habit and you know it…and the world would applaud you for being a ‘strong smart independent’ woman after you dropped him.
@@mreit28 Stop make judgments about women based on your own experiences. Youre seriously triggered by her comment; get the help you need because bitter is not a good look. I also chose a man who loves and respects me. 28 years together and I would walk through FIRE for that man. I have had wealthier men hit on me; it didnt mean SQUAT then and wouldnt now. She is 100% right-painting all women with the same brush is going to get you nowhere with them; kinda like where it sounds like you are now.
@@amiblack8294 looks like you’re the one who is triggered. It’s hard hearing inconvenient truths, it’s understandable that you’re lashing out.
When you start screaming you have lost all battles.
I hope he's serious about changing because this is where abusive behavior begins, the fact that he admitted he gets a sense of power out of raising his voice if he remains the same he won't be able to maintain relationships unless its under duress.
Llll
There are plenty of women who love loud, aggressive, crazy, borderline violent men. I think those things turn them on. If said guy makes plenty of money, it turns those women on even more. Some women will shut up and put up.
Glad to see the caller has some self awareness at 21
Kudos to the caller for realizing that the root of the issue was behavior modeled by his parents. That is important and shouldnt be minimized. Children learn what they live and when they are adults, they live what they have learned. Kudos also to him for wanting to get help for the issue. His issue is that he doesnt know how to regulate his emotions. When he learns how to do that, he wont exhibit that behavior anymore. People growing up in abusive homes often dont know how to regulate their emotions. There are some amazing resources on youtube to help him with this if he just types in the words HOW DO I REGULATE MY EMOTIONS?
Couldn't agree more! Emotional regulation is key here.
@@pinkfairydust83 Thank you :) Yes, emotional regulation does not come naturally for people who have grown up with abuse. Abuse creates RAGE and not just for some. For all, although people deal with it differently; some people turn it inwards (depression), some turn it outwards (anger/rage/abuse), some cope with drugs and alcohol, etc. I feel for the caller bigtime but give him props for wanting help (although he didnt get it here).
@@amiblack8294 absolutely. I'm a psychotherapist and work with this day in, day out. Was disappointed in John's response here.
@@pinkfairydust83 Thank you for that validation. Its sad how prevalent this is. I hope the caller gets the helps he needs. John is a nice guy but his approach here is quite lukewarm and isnt likely to help this caller.
Credit to the young man for asking...... how do I fix this behavior now. He acknowledges the problem. Now he gets to work on the solution.
ooh!! I think my husband is one that "loves chaos", he loves the argument, he loves to win. BUT he's realised he also loves peace, so we have peace in out home and when I notice he wants to bring the chaos (signs are going into a shell, he knows chaos in the house is not good, so he withdraws a tiny bit), thats when its time for him to hang out with others, mates, brothers, people he can banter with who won't care if he gets a bit heated. While I have some mum time or girl time, then he comes back and its peace again.
My father is 70 years old and needs to hear this.
Nobody learns unless there are actual consequences. If he still has the same company, if the people in his life keep putting up with it, then he won't see any reason to change.
Have you all allowed him to scream at you or have any of you distanced yourself from him ?
@@susieq8008 the last time it happened was a couple weeks ago (I’m 40 btw, he is 70) and I told him he was acting ridiculous and I didn’t feel safe with him. He stormed out of my house. He left me a halfhearted apology voicemail but never actually said sorry. It’s still frosty tbh. I’m so over it. I’m 40 for crying out loud.
A LOT of men especially need to hear this. I've dated a lot of men who have uncontrollable tempers & competition (believe they have to win) issues, and they believe it is perfectly normal.
Trust me, he might hear it but won’t listen. Or he’ll listen but doesn’t hear it. And if he does hear it he won’t put the dots together that we made him listen to this because that what he did to us, and he still sometimes does. My dad: he cannot handle not being right, or when we don’t agree with him, he’ll raise his voice still. I’ve learned he’ll never understand the hurt he brought to us, he will continue to say “how he wasn’t like his dad, he didn’t do that”, while he still hurt us pretty bad and he did do just that. But in his mind he didn’t and he was perfect. I love my dad, but hate that side of him. It took years, years, of accepting that he won’t change. And be accepting and grieving that part of the story, I managed to continue having a reasonable relationship with him as an adult. I don’t forgive him for what he did, I just told myself that’s what happened when we were young, as an adult if he yells I will just let it be, most cases he’ll be the one walking off because I don’t react to his bullshit anymore. But it’s still super complicated, and some days I cannot handle it at all. I still get triggered by people fighting, my oldest sister is someone that yells to her husband, and it just puts me in this state of mind of when I was a kid. I freeze up, can’t move, and I’m scared. When the moments passed I get angry at myself, but I started to walk back to the people, I’m still learning; trying to return to the people in certain situation. It being my sister (the hardest yet), or friends, and colleagues (when I’m being told off or something) I try to return to them the next day, or the moment I calmed down by telling them the injustice I just went through “the moment you said xyz, it made me feel xyz. I don’t agree because xyz reason, and I would appreciate if you could withhold from yelling at me next time”. The last part is truly the wounds he gave me, I cannot argue or defend myself. I get scared, it makes me feel like a kid, that anxious feeling of having to be quiet because dads in a bad mood today. And eventhough, you were doing so much your utter best to be quiet he’d snap still and just yell, sometimes throw objects, and sometimes smack you for not being quiet or when we were messing around. Result: me the youngest, I’m a mega righteous person, worked my ass off to be noticed, tried perfection in everything I did, and I cannot defend myself when someone blames me for something (that I didn’t do) or confront someone for doing something that’s truly not right (lying, withholding tip money, etc). The moment a person is a gaslighting type I start to feel on edge, anxious, and I just disassociate myself with them. Still got much to learn (31yo), but standing up for myself, by actually saying something back when I am in the anxious status has helped tremendously for my own self. And as for my dad, he can do whatever he wants to do. I don’t owe 💩 to him, and I (we) have to be the bigger person by being able to communicate with him. But knowing he won’t change, and if he truly snaps, I’ll just don’t go visit him for some time until I can handle it again (so not healthy). But because of my mom, I can’t cut him out, but have told my mom I won’t tolerate 💩 anymore. And my mom? Oh dear, she’s the typical mother that just goes silent and didn’t do anything except for the “you knew your dad would get angry, why’d you do it anyways”, or she would come and cuddle you until it felt okay again. Both aren’t healthy, and I’ve dealt with that mental loath too, but I’ve noticed that blaming and hating kept me stuck in the past. And by letting the past in the past, knowing we weren’t to blame, and that I’m me the adult (not the child anymore), I managed to become more grounded in the past couple of years. Which feels amazing, though I still struggle from time to time, I found my own family that can give me emotional support and comfort. Although, there will always be something missing, that longing that I still can’t cut out completely. And I think I’ll mourn that idea, that longing for parents I’ve never had for the rest of my life.
Man this is a toughie to get past but it’s doable. Growing up I had the anger and yelling environment. And for the first years with my wife I was emotionally abusive. It is some sense of power that’s hard to explain because after you do it you know you were wrong. But you really have to take extreme ownership of it and change the behavior. And it takes a lot of work to get there but it is possible. When John mentions it’s an entire identity change he’s spot on. For me I eventually had to take a hard look and see that who I was becoming was the thing I’d grown up despising and almost becoming obsessed to not be that person anymore. And I had to kill the root anger inside first which was hard. But after time it can go away. Nowadays I don’t get upset hardly ever and don’t even grasp how I’d explode before because of how foreign it becomes. People who didn’t know me then don’t even believe that version of me existed because it really does take that extreme level of change to truly move past it. Otherwise you’ll just mask it in other ways which is equally as unhealthy as yelling can be. It’s a tough road but if you truly want to change you can but it requires extreme ownership and commitment to it.
Gen Zs normally very self aware about their mental health issues... Good job, guys!
They also overshare about their mental health.
@Sonja Ilic those aren’t the only 2 options. If I’m in a business meeting and an employee overshares about their mental health, it comprises the meeting and the client relationship.
@@l-train7876 yes, we need to learn awareness of when it’s appropriate to share those things. I will say though, a lot of older Gen-Z treat their coworkers like close friends and family because of how much time they spend at work. Their life is work so they will bring their life problems to work.
Ways to avoid this as a manager: help them prioritize people in their life outside of work, don’t let them work overtime, make sure they’re taking sick days and PTO days, keep things positive and professional.
Also, it’s VERY common to have mental health issues or a disorder. It’s not a rare thing. So, I think people are slowly viewing it as something so normal that it can be talked about like an injury or pneumonia. Older generations not so much I’ve found. Some of my older colleagues are catching up to us when it comes to education of different disorders that we learned about as teens or in middle school and normalized a decade ago. Ill just stay quiet and keep it pushing till we get to that point.
@@SF-op5ix your 1st paragraph mentions that they treat their coworkers like close friends because they work so much?? Everyone works 40+ hours, not just “older Gen-Zs”. As a manager it’s not my job to help my people prioritize anything outside of their job, that’s a super weird suggestion. And why are you talking to your colleagues about disorders? I feel like I’m on another planet.
Separate work from home.
Don't take home to work ! Learn early in your career that coworkers are NOT your family or your therapist. Go to work and do the job you were hired for. Nobody wants to hear your long drawn out....this is what happened to me and this world is just so mean and nobody loves me and my boyfriend did this. etc. That stuff stops at the door.
Power over self, power over your own identity, power over your own actions... THAT is true POWER!
This segment made me cry. Best of luck, Ryan, and bless you for deciding to break the cycle.
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. 🙏🏿🙏🏿
My partner yells at me all the time. So much so that when he is even slightly nice to me o jump for joy. This isn’t good. I feel broken. I feel abused. I feel sad. I feel stuck. I deserve better. I wish he was a better man. I want the best for him.
LEAVE. Give an ultimatum atleast. You have to choose, him or yourself?
Yelling is a choice! so is shutting up; changing the subject or walking away until u find something constructive to say in a congenial manner to solve the disagreement. if u continue your harshness onto others, they will leave and u will b alone. practice being congenial! i divorced my ex bc of his harsh abusive words n attitude towards me. no way did i want a future of that!
True 💯
This is true, but what I’ve seen in some situation, so I don’t think that’s the case with this collar, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard stories of or seen incident where the guy tries to walk away to avoid arguing, and the woman will get his way block the door and not let him walk away and corner him
I believe you, my son dated a girl like that, she was NUTS, hes quit that relationship and SOOO glad he did. Caller - one who calls; Collar - a leather strap around a dogs neck. @@tigernotwoods914
I'm a man who wil stop letting my childhood truama define me
Caller should also examine his triggers.
People think by yelling they are crossing a point but it only gives headaches 🤕 to another person.
You’re wrong. Obviously you’ve never had anyone constantly berate you or mentally abuse you. What a sheltered and wonderful life you’ve lived.
I yelled and screamed at my ex on a couple of occasions. I also punched my door and slammed it. Instantly I calmed down and apologised. I don’t want to be that guy and I’m working hard not to be. I hope she can forgive me one day for doing that to her
In my own experience with correcting my bad behaviors, i had to learn to recognize my triggers and how they made me feel (somatic experience). For instance, i can tell when I've been triggered into dissociation when i catch myself staring into space and disconnecting from my body. I had to learn to fight that, even though it seems preferable to being present, by listing things i could see, feel, taste, smell, and hear.
So when you start to feel angry, take note of how your body feels. Are your ears burning? Are your muscles tense? Etc. Then focus literally on "self-soothing". In other words, breathe deeply, rub your temples, etc.
Y'know why you yell? Because when you feel the physical sensations of anger, you associate it with a feeling of helplessness. You lash out, like a cornered animal. It's not a "choice" in the sense that you love yelling at your gf and are excited for the opportunity. It's a choice" in the sense that there ARE MORE CIVILIZED WAYS to let someone know they've touched a nerve or crossed a boundary and you need to be an ADULT and teach yourself how to use your words respectfully without having a temper tantrum.
Yes, very true. And they key is to feel the emotion/sensation whilst staying embodied. Don't pass the unpleasantness onto someone else. If you stay with the feeling and don't somatically resist it, it will peak and then come down in a natural way and peace will restore.
Having a conversation is like playing a video game. I try, but I die every time and have to try something different. BUT I always die. I’m so sick of not getting it right. I’m starting to feel like I’m running out of lives.
I broke up with my bf because of how hurtful abusive and insulting he is during any discussion.
I hate him for how he is. I have so much resentment towards him.
I blocked him on every platform and don’t ever want to see him again.
Sorry. You didn't deserve that.
At least you did it correctly that is when you break up it should be blocking the person on everything and as if that person doesn’t exist unless you have children together, there’s no reason to be in contact with an ex at all. Even more so in your situation.
I like Dr. John a lot, however, I think he dropped the ball here. You cant simply will your behavior to be different by burying the urge down deep or your frustration down deep. One has to address the ROOT of the issue which is childhood abuse. Johns dismissing the origin of the behavior was a missed opportunity to emphasize to the audience how much the behavior you model for your kids then becomes THEIR behavior and lets get real-a lot of that dysfunctional learned behavior wreaks havoc in our relationships. I think it was worthy of a discussion in the least. I dont feel the caller was helped in this call whatsoever. I hope he seeks therapy in person or online to address his inability to regulate his emotions which is what causes him to fly off that handle like he does. I did the same thing for YEARS until I got to the bottom of it; only then was I able to modify it into healthier coping mechanisms/behavior. I wish him the best.
You simply have to choose to stop this behavior it’s extremely abusive! It takes practice and self awareness but can be done. John gave him some practical steps to take such as leaving the room before onset, changing identity, as well as asking yourself what is my body protecting me from? He also did very well tying his behavior and showing him where it comes from around the 10:20 mark.
@@flashthecorgi2053 Someone reaching out for help with this DOES reflects self awareness. You are mistaken about stating that one simply has to choose to stop this behavior. You obviously know nothing about growing up with abuse. John telling the caller to Bury It Deep as a coping mechanism is incredibly irresponsible. Its also potentially dangerous. Of course the callers behavior is abusive-it has its roots in abuse. Emotional regulation does not come naturally to people who have been abused. It has to be taught. Abuse creates rage and learning how to deal with that is what should have been addressed in this call. You cant just ignore the anatomy of abuse in this instance.The caller needed more than what John provided and should have been sent in the right direction in the very least. John messed this one up royally, sorry.
I didn't see where Dr John ever said his call in show was substitute for taking counseling services, this is just a call-in show. In fact he has adviced people to read books and go to marital counseling on multiple occasions on this show.
The fact that you wanted years worth of counselling in a 16 min Q&A video is simply strange
Also every counseling he goes to will offer self control, self awareness and accountability as a solution, just because it wasn't stretched over years or hours like you wanted it doesn't change that it works.
@@flashthecorgi2053 she didn't watch, but I saw where she claims to be a psychologist maybe it's marketing and he is competition
As a minister, the part where you said, say this statement I already knew he was gonna say it wrong they never do it the first time you have to work them up to it lol
There might also be an issue about being heard. If his parents never listened to him when he was talking, shouting might have been the only way to be heard. It sticks with you.
It gets him power. He is not going to stop. It's too intoxicating to be in control.
If anything, he will get worse.
Its going to cost you relationships....when you can be happy
It makes him feel heard.
This call will probably deter people from calling in and sharing honestly.
Was thinking the same. This caller was so brave
Totally agree. John missed the mark BIGtime here.
@@amiblack8294 I think John is great and listen daily, he does a great job 95% of the time. Feel bad for this caller though lol
@@amiblack8294 he missed the mark for telling him to take time out and re address a situation when he is much calmer?
Or was it when he said whatever you're feeling has to do with your childhood not her, don't take it out on her?
Or remember relationships require feeling vulnerable and to learn to make peace with that?
Which one is it?
@@pinkfairydust83 I would like to see your counseling show where you show how it's done and if you can actually manage to attract people, let's check your comment section then.
9:30 very well put
I wouldn’t be asking why do I keep yelling? I’d be asking why do they keep staying? These people crank the abuse up to 100% and find vulnerable people to verbally abuse. In my opinion there is no therapy for you. Just a lot of failed relationships from people who decided they have had enough till eventually one day you will get tired of loosing friends and grow up.
Bro I needed this sooooo much I wish I could talk to u respectfully I need to talk to u thank u
Great tips! I love the advice ❤️
Loved this advice
There was a point where this was like the Adam Sandler movie Anger Management.
Im sorry, but I really get tired of people calling for help. Being brutally honest. Only to be told "you need to just stop doing that" or "that crap stops today, got it?". Does it really not cross his mind that these people don't know how to stop and that's why they are reaching so far down into the barrel they are asking for advice from a podcaster? It's like telling a drug addict or an alcoholic "you just stop using drugs. That crap ends, got it?" If it were just that simple they wouldn't need the help! And you can sure bet that any issues Dr John has, there is a good reason why he couldn't just "stop doing ______" . But the (men specifically) callers are expected to just shake off life long issues because Dr John told them they were a man baby throwing a tantrum. I really do like the podcast, but this pattern is becoming more and more obvious as I continue to watch and I feel really bad for the guys who call in REALLY looking for help because they don't know where else to turn.
Agreed, he just embarrassed him. His answer to the kid asking for help was just shame on you and do better next time. I feel sorry for the kid asking for help only to get a condescending answer and getting humiliated. The kids going to not want to ask for help and continue spinning out of control because that's the only way he knows how to deal with his emotions because that's what he learned from parents growing up. I'm a 31 year old guy who was raised in a daily anger environment which was abusive and I'm still dealing with anger to this day. People have compassion for all kinds of mental health issues but have no empathy for people who grew up in abusive angry households and have anger and ptsd from it.
Prayer is important. Say God
Once again begging women to have standards and not accept this behavior. I don’t care if he’s trying to improve. She should LEAVE. He can improve as a single man.
I agree, but if he is in treatment and trying to get help and putting the work in then her staying, if he’s legitimately working, gives him more of an incentive to continue with if she leaves that could be another trigger and he could spiral out of control even worse because nowhe just got dumped on top of all this and it feels almost like he’s doing all this for nothing
That's still on him. No one gets to put that responsibility on another human being. That's emotional manipulation.
I loved Jewel and Yma Sumac, for example
Dang this was sad
YELLING can be a whisper. Learn that.
It’s called fire and re wire. Dr Joe Dispenza has the perfect formula.
Respectfully
My father was a veterinarian
You're only 21? Let's address biology for a moment. The frontal lobe of the brain is not fully formed until we are well into to our twenties....the area of the brain responsible for impulse control, problem solving and social interaction. Make a conscious and willful decision to stop yelling. A short year from now, things will look different. Give yourself the gift of time. Become the adult you aspire to be. It really isn't that complicated.
He needs anger management. These types of people are ticking time bombs who know no boundaries. They tend to get near you in an aggressive, abrasive manner, and you don't know whether or not they'll strike you. It is an intimidation tactic that control freaks use.
This isn't true at all. The majority of people his age don't go around yelling at other people and are often empathetic. Did you go around yelling at people you liked at the age?
@@texan903 he needs therapy but not anger management because anger management rarely works doesn’t work for most people and my experience makes people angry and it doesn’t give you the tools to be successful where a legitimate one on one therapist but better serve patient and the situation
Nononono anger management is the worst thing for verbally abusive people. It teaches them that their abuse is outside of their control, and thus validates their actions. They need accountability, not the opposite.
@@sarahelo009 that’s not true at all. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe anger management works. It’s really useless, but it does not teach you that.
And my glasses
Hey im from Lichtenstein
Listen to women singers from the 90s or 60s
Krzyki wrzaski sprowadzają się do jednego krzyk wrzask w związku to już nuda.
Chodź się mówi, że bez haji dzień stracony o wracają do punktu wyjścia.
This call was brutal. Allow the guy to speak for gods sakes.
Fr. Delony was just talking over him and judging him for what he says.
Sounded fine to me. He is telling him his behavior is wrong and it needs changing. He is abusing his girlfriend!
I’m a wife who has a husband who talks like that to her. It’s very damaging to me personally, our family, and our kids. Our kids are afraid of their father. There is no warm comfortable safe environment where they feel free to tell him anything. Him speaking more usually ends up as the person justifying their behavior more…acting like the are the true victim.
@@dabd8175 You're something of an idiot, aren't you?? No one desrrves to be abused and humiliated by anyone, much less by someone tjey claim to love. He has to realise how his actions affect the people around him.
@@dabd8175 could she have refused to marry him? yes. It's not her fault that he's a bad husband/father. That's his choice. She married child in a 30+ year old body.
@@dabd8175 Its not that easy. She has children with this man now. Not everyone in a abusive relationship can just pick up and leave especially when children are involved. The blame should be solely on her husband not her.
My car sunglasses broke
I'm complicated, as a musician and singer for many years. I'm fond of grunge and metal
I truly do admire Dr. D's work but I think he handled this call EXTREMELY poorly. You got a young man, self-aware and trying to change for the better, but John wasn't willing to give him much grace.
Dr. John, you have to model and show him, tell him what words you are looking for. Why don't you talk about helping him manage the feelings that trigger him. He needs some therapy for sure to change his emotions and reactions.
This is a recycled post.
Why do I get the feeling that Doctor John pretty much wants this guy to bury his emotions so deep that one day he just boils over on both his girlfriend and his parents. Think about his parents cause this mess but dr. John want him to just bury those emotions. That is dangerous. Here's what this guy needs to do he knows he's got a problem he knows to deal with but making him feel like a piece of crap ain't going to do nothing except make this guy almost driving to the point of the barrel. He needs to get into major counseling and therapy and maybe just be single for awhile before he gets into a relationship
Did he tell him to bury his emotions or understand their origin , which is childhood and act responsibly because it has nothing to do with his girlfriend,
therefore take a time out to breathe and recenter himself when he feels like he is about to snap and discuss things when he's much calmer? What better advice could he get than that?
And he didn't prevent him from getting counseling or buying a new car , he just responded to his question/ email
also what do you think counseling will tell him? Keep screaming at everyone because it's your parents' fault?
Just stop yelling so much lol
John Delony: Let's not talk about your parents anymore.
Also John Delony: Continues to keep bringing up his parents.
Guys are "insertive". Mind your hands.
C'mon meow
U never know how disrespectful she is
This is not the way you fix abusive behavior. Hope that 21 year old man never takes this kind of advice ever again. This kind of problem needs a therapist, not advice.
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