I don't know if this will help anyone but it helped me to find my "sense of self" I created a huge mood board and put things/people/memories etc I liked in a bid to help me understand what I actually like/patterns of behaviour which helped me to understand who I am as a person
This really does help. I've found that in order to start my recovery, I need to find out who I am in order to be kind to her first. I also recommend Daniel J Fox's website that has a few worksheets about sense of self - one of them's a personality test so it helps to identify what traits you have that are pervasive across multiple people.
Oh totally! I created a booklet called "self" and put my values, things I like, mbti, personality yests, goals, dreams...etc - as a form of mirroring back to me who I am. Cause I tend to forget...lol...
Malcolm Z I got :. recognizing what is going on in my mind (self talk) and learning to change my self talk, claiming the emotions a being MY emotions (no one 'makes' me angry, I get angry.) to be more rational. From, "she always pisses me off." To : "there are times when I feel upset by something she says." I "own" my thoughts emotions, and actions and stop blaming others.
Malcolm Z yes and it goes on and on and on and you're alone and you're blamed for not going about it correctly which causes more pain and humiliating to boot which then makes you vulnerable to psychopaths and you're alone alone alone not to mention punished for even admitting you have this disorder.
Nah it's really not like that nor is it like what Laurie said exactly. As you practice awareness it becomes much much easier to let go of anger and sadness, because you see that what you imagine those other people did or think is not _actual_ . It is made up in your mind and projected into the other person. Because it becomes easier to let go, you don't start to swell up from all the projections you are taking back into yourself and then feel. You just let it go, and become better and better at recognising and letting go as you stay aware and practice. Basically I would recommend that just for some time, whenever you feel something, instead of assuming it's because of what the other person did, turn your assumption around on yourself and think that it is because of what you did. Don't think this in a damning way, but in an empowering way. _I_ interpreted something quickly and unconsciously here, and then feel this because of my interpretation+projection. Of course sometimes this won't be quite true, and someone else might actually have done something that wasn't very nice, but you'll figure that out soon enough if you truly consider if it might have been you yourself. The most convincing reason to practice this, to me, is that it puts back power in your hands. You're not at the mercy of what you feel anymore. You can do something.
I was diagnosed at 38 with borderline personality disorder I've been in therapy therapy for about 10 years but my last couple sessions my therapist and I discovered that I was really angry at my mother for kicking me out at 14 years old but the thing that I noticed is that I didn't come back home I didn't run back to her and the fact that I didn't tell the police was that I accepted my abandonment and I'm 43 now and then I came to terms that what was done to me was unnatural it was wrong it's impossible for a person to accept neglectful parent but like I said I'm 43 years old I accept myself everyday I'm a survivor of a narcissistic parent and that makes me a superhero I was abandoned I accepted and still I survived it 😭💯🐞
I had a narcissistic parent too. Congratulations on your progress and for sticking with treatment. That's really horrible what happened to you. Heartbreaking 💔.I wonder what happened to your mother. I found out that BPD is 50 percent heritable which is a very high genetic component to it. I think my NPD mother had it too, which is very sad. I found out she was traumatized, like I was. Thank God I never had kids.
I’d like to share- I had spent about five years dedicated to my recovery before I met someone who pursued me romantically so persistently that I started unraveling with my boundaries. I then pursued a relationship with this person and further unraveled myself for five years. I just want to say that recovery can take such a long time even for people who have never really manifested full on BPD but were raised by a parent with BPD as well as histrionic personality disorder. I entered talk therapy at a very young age so I was extremely aware of the risks I faced growing up with a mother like this. Still, being around certain people can unravel even the most self-aware. Be careful and stay committed to your boundaries.
Yes, everything he said is true. I have bpd. My bpd has gotten better just in the ways he was talking about. I haven't been to a therapist yet. Meditation and mindfulness got me to this point. I'm excited about starting therapy next week!!!
@@shazaashraf680 I have borderline. I have been in therapy for about 3 months. I still feel bored and empty sometimes. But the difference now is that I can reflect on it and then take action to feel better without drinking or risky behavior. Therapy is working for me. I hope if you have the opportunity that you will try it.
thats great to hear you say that. meditation and mindfulness is a HUGE part the puzzle and its sad that people down play its importance because they think 'they were born like this' so that means that things will never improve. all of the great spiritual texts of the ages tell stories of transformation of the mind. mental illness is not a modern phenomenon. unfortunately we are detached from nature and spirit nowadays so many don't find healing. ofcourse therapy and trauma resolution is the other matching part of the puzzle ! sounds like you have great insight and positive belief in yourself, so I think you will find great healing.
I've done years of therpay, 2 full programmes of dbt, transfurance psychotherapy, emdr, parts work, somatic experincing, deep brain Reorienting, cbt, trauma focused therapy, advance flash technique. I still have times of total recovery and then remission. Normally triggered by unprocessed trauma or hormones, family stress, work stress. It's a constant work to keep myself in my tolrance window and watch out for episodes. I still suffer a lot with splitting eposides, some emotional regulation. But I'm a lot less impulsiveness and have a harmonious relationship with my system and relationship with self.
I love when he says"I'm interrupting myself" love that i do this a lot. cool to put a label to it that helps me focus. Also great points on bpd, very relatable. Can tell you are very knowledgable about the personality disorder.
Its all about the anger. The biggest issue is struggling to process emotions and information due to emotional numbness from anger. I solved the equation for why the anger and no longer fit the diagnosis for BPD.
@@elisei50 I hope to publish it and have it peer reviewed, but I do not have the academic or social clout to do so. I feel like often times with personality disorders, it starts with an event. Possibly traumatic, possibly not. Basically like PTSD, but the difference is that from a young age, it starts us on a path or doing things that create the personality disorder. Ill-advised ways of coping. Porn, stress eating, self-harm, drugs, alcohol, and various other things that aren't really good ways to address problems or manage stress. In cases like this, I feel like you could treat the underlying issues if you could figure them out and the rest (the rest being the majority of the personality disorder) will work itself out with time and therapy.
This is really useful. I have (or had) BPD symptoms after being discarded by someone that I now believe is a cluster B type. I suspect it's more PTSD than BPD, as I never used to be like this and wouldn't really care if people said/did negative things to me. I was very thick skinned until I met him (it was unfortunately right after dealing with a very stressful family crisis, so I wasn't paying attention to red flags and was just happy to have met someone that seemed really kind and attentive). But I had a mental breakdown after all the gaslighting, humiliation, breadcrumbing/ignoring stuff he did and for a long time I had zero ego and was convinced everyone hated me and wanted to hurt me. I didn't want to leave the house or speak to anyone for over a year and still find it difficult. Although I'm slowly recovering. It's sick, as it's a situation where you really need the help and support of people around you but you push everyone away and isolate yourself instead. Now I'm having to go back and apologise to my friends and family for disappearing for so long and hope they can understand it wasn't anything they did. Although I'm now so used to being alone that I'm not sure I'll ever go back to the happy, friendly, talkative person I used to be. I'm still very paranoid at times. But maybe that's a good thing, as I was far too trusting and naive before and let people used me as a doormat.
Our stories are almost identical. I am forcing myself to be talkative and fun. What has changed is, I have been working on an inner toolkit (boundaries). I learned about psychopaths/sociopaths/manipulators…added their tactics to my toolkit. It’s weird but in my head I now have the option to choose between doing the “right or wrong” thing. So, I’m training myself to walk around and being my confident self. It’s great power to know that I have a “let there be carnage” button built in. The inner pain & suffering is something I live with daily. It’s so horrifying to see how people used to prey on me as I walked around all kind & naïve indeed.
Buddhist practice has been the best thing for me and well as most recently at age 51 of getting this diagnosis to understand what I’m lived with all my life. The danger of meditation is seeing the first positive change as definitive instead of a path. That’s been a learning lesson so turning to ethical principles to help this lost sense of self seems at least as important as sitting meditation. I wish you all well in your respective journeys of healing.
Negative Core beleifs are the root cause of BPD. Figure these out in absoulte clarity with a threpaist and understand how these were formed . Use EMDR to reprogramme trauma associated with these beleifs if any. Make this your number one focus. Number 2. Re-Programme and replace feeling with a parent model of your choosing. Imagine yourself as a kid, write down the attributes of your ideal loving parent and flood your self with these images and feeling 3 times a day every day. Picture you as a child and your loving, caring, accepting parent behind you telling you that your doing ok. Rinse repeat
What you're basically suggesting is self-compassion (and loving-kindness) practice. I agree. Self-compassion is very powerful. It can help to also add an awareness increasing process though, like the one this therapy proposes. It's good to try to become more aware of what you project out of yourself. The danger if you don't do this, is that you could fall back into old habits very easily, because you won't recognise what you're doing (projecting).
How do I get over feeling silly about giving myself love as if I were a child? I have an extremely critical and mean inner voice who really really berates me in a sadistic way, and I feel like a fool thinking of myself as a child as I am an adult. I think I find it pathetic to be honest. But I know it’s what I desperately need. Do you think that feeling will go away as I do the exercise three times a day as you suggested? Do you have any thoughts on why doing inner-child work is not pathetic? I just can’t imagine someone I respect needing to do that, but I also don’t have a lot of respect for myself anyway...
mallory or searching on the internet, getting to know more about it and using others experiences as group therapy :) don’t lose hope, you can do it !!!
Dont know where in the world you are based but I am under a mental health team in UK meaning my therapist + other treatments are free through their services
@@laura72339 crazy how I just saw your comment from a couple hours ago, when this video is years old. Here in the US if your insurance doesn't cover mental health treatment (which a decent amount of insurance company's will cover like 12 therapist visits a year.) No specialty services. A specialist, or doctor who is able to treat, and prescribe, is gonna run someone at least $500 per visit. Not even including the price of meds.
@@anniebeaittie715 the video was recommended to me today despite being an old upload. Oh my goodness that's truly appalling!! Even 12 sessions a year = 1 a month which wouldn't be enough for most individuals!!
That does help a lot, but you can't forget that independent research and self-discovery is massively important. A lot of people with BPD don't get better because they refuse to believe they even have it. I, on the other hand, started heavily researching it and thinking back to all these memories and analyzing them in this new context, and it opened my eyes to just how flawed my thinking was. That realization alone progressed me through my healing far more than just "going to therapy" has. My current therapist almost wants to believe that I don't even have it because I present so well and that I'm so open and aware of a lot of it. Have to remind her that I've been on this journey for a while and she only sees an hour of me a week; I have to catch myself a lot even now when I'm about to have an emotional cycle or do something toxic and destructive.
when he was reffering to his patient as "her" i felt as if he was talking about me. Im glad I can live a normal life; feels good to know this is fixable.
Plz could u talk about how to deal with extreme emotional shift after recognizing it...because I know I'm in that state but it is hard for me to handle myself...I accept it...but I'm scared of myself because I don't know what I am going to do next
Small dose Psilocybin or mdma can help with a close friend in a comfortable environment. Its very healing. Research Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies. Just make sure you are not taking any other medication at the time especially SSRI or MAOI. rollsafe.org/start-here/
I go through the same... I say your same exact words. I am insisting to find the right therapist... I finally got diagnosed after 15 years of failed therapy.
Tobiah Micheal de saint Aubin weird... so you never take medication? If you look at medical studies regarding psychedelics...you might be surprised. Far better than many of the narcotics out medical systems (which I used to work for) would hand out like candy...creating loads of dependency and addiction issues, opioid crises and deaths... get curious, before you judge.
It's so frustrating I have known for years my initial reaction was ridiculous But could not n still can't stop initial reaction but I have decreased the time I loose it for lack of a better word ( crying yelling kicking stuff etc) I have 3 kids and have had to have family pick them up a few times Always right before I start my pd because I have pmdd It is scarry because I could ruin myself or others life in 1 min and I usually am like that for20 - 45 mins go thru all feelings then I'm ok ... But getting thru that can be difficult If I idealize suicidal ideations I have to be weary . Not something to play with Cbt and dbt have helped me substancially I also take lamictal which does help with some of the rage and impulsivity
I tryed psychotherapy it was amazing after my 12 sessions I felt positive about my life that positivity lasted for a year and a half and then I got bullied at work my emotions got out of control and everything started again I was in pain.
BPD has it origins in abuse and trauma. BPD is the result of trying to protect the self with an exaggerated version of the self. Psychotherapy helped you get in touch with your loving self, but didn’t teach you about how to protect yourself from maltreatment. I think if you learned about healthy assertiveness you will have the right set of skills to defend yourself against the things that bother you appropriately. And then you won’t feel yourself spiraling down to the emotionally triggered, aggressive version anymore. I think people experiencing BPD generally have a hard time advocating for themselves in a healthy, assertive manner.
@@BBFCCO733 now, you must find a therapist please. i have a crazy story i could share with you because of my Mother who is refusing to get therapy when she direly needs it. If you truly have BPD and you can recognize your flaws associated with BPD that’s amazing. But seriously, #1 thing to do is to seek help. Help starts with the therapist.
My son has BPD and refuses to accept it - yet. He is in a treatment center. How can I advocate for him? He in his early 30's and has been behaving in frightening ways. The BPD has only just become apparent to me, thankfully because of a young woman who refused to give up on him. Me and this young lady were kept from communicating by my son but now we are on the same page and comparing stories and he has all the signs of bad other than self mutilation BUT the things he has been doing put him severely in harms way. For me to be able to hear from people who are dealing with this will help so much. Learning how they finally came to the conclusion it was bad, and the successes and failures in dealing with it - will help us to help him. I am frightened to death for him. He is really hurting.
You explained it to the tee of what my recovery was like, I didn't even realise I had bpd until I learnt to focus on my thoughts and feelings I learnt this by watching a video called "the secret of self control" Amazing how a video can change your life..
GotFaculty what’s the biggest thing that helped you recover? I’ve been struggling so much with my bpd. I have awareness now and have been paying attention to my thoughts/feelings/actions and I’m even able to assert more self respect now than I could before so I am very slightly improving. But I have lots of trouble with my emotional outbursts as they are getting worst the older I get not better. I feel out of control of my emotions
It comes down to keeping it to yourself, not showing much emotion. The mental health industry is peopled by those that are lacking in emotion. They have a disdain for emotion of all types and the expression of those emotions. They don't like sensitive, high strung or artistic temperaments. Most psychiatrists fall at the opposite end of the continuum and frequently display an almost psychopathic disposition. I'm surprised the mental health industry didn't try to have Princess Diana committed.
You sound like you never had a decent therapist by spewing such ignorance. If it wasn't for mental health professionals I would of never known I had control in the situation. I don't know about you, but feeling these emotions at the level I do with BPD isn't fun, it's not enlightening, and it doesn't make me more artistic. It is hard feeling things on such a level, and people deserve to know that they can manage these feelings. It's not about hiding your bs, it's about dealing with it. It's about acknowledging there is room for growth. Opening one's eyes and being mindful to the situation so that it can be changed. I was forever lost in my own feelings, until I realized I could actually do something about it. I wouldn't wish that feeling of helplessness or "this is just me" on anyone. It's lonely, and it's a rough road that I still continue to walk down...
@@BBFCCO733 but if you’re working in a field where you’re around vulnerable people, then don’t be a selfish prick and only think about yourself, you’re not there for that. You’re there to help people. So have a good attitude about it or get a different job. Period.
What about the issue with the inability to experience any sort of true, lasting love? It’s just attachment, infatuation and neediness with no sense of true love which is the most tragic part
Forget the symptoms,fight the causes....and the very family who killed any soul of its...might recover first...then comes the destroyed one...dare to fix ...bpd is CLEARLY A FAMILY DISORDER...not one person s situation,or whatever someone considers as family, if not had one...no child growing up in fear and insecurity,will give you people..... flowers
My mother should not have been permitted to have children. I have gone no contact with her because of the severe bullying and now she is going for my daughter next she is a narcissistic evil woman
Well, it's somtimes true I would say. It is also genetic. Not in the sense that people are 'wrong' or 'defective', but in the sense that maybe they have a very sensitive predisposition, and then if the parent is a bit .... burdened .... problems can develop. Of course there are clearly cases where the parents are just really shitty. I won't deny that.
This is very true. It is a family disorder. My father had borderline personality disorder, my mum is a narcissist, I have borderline personality disorder, my brother does too
I can regulate and integrate after a year of therapy, but I still have trouble with the self-sabotage, self-infliction of harm, physical and psychological. I felt as if my Borderline was indeed "cured" until I noticed certain obsessive repetitive behaviors that harm me, and I hadn't even taken notice they never fucking stopped. I just want to stop hurting myself....
I found this video beneficial in that we can start to understand that there are different pathways to managing BPD, based on his observations. There was no advice, simply food for thought by way of observations.
so much wisdom in 7 minutes .... "control and mastery". controlling our minds. not being controlled by our minds. we need to believe in our own power. only then we will shift from being the victim, the 'fucked up one that is too fucked up to be any different'. nah, you can. self awareness. this guy said it. it takes work but that doesn't mean control and mastery isn't possible. I used to treat my boyfriend like shit until one-day I said, this isn't okay. there is an aggressive angry part of me that I need to recognise. I cant keep excusing this cos I'm 'fucked up'. and I practiced awareness of it and reigned it in. our relationship is much better now.
These learned skills sound quite doable for some with bpd; however, mindfulness is no doubt needed for proper processing. Certainly it is possible to "fall off the wagon"...as everyone does regarding misbehavior. No one is always a saint. Even I eat too many cookies in one evening..sometimes
Sometimes I find myself in an unjust situation and I get into an angry episode that last about 3 days. Yelling and screaming it out helps, but ruins my relationship who is in my company or the even worse target of my anger.
Woow Dr thanks so much🎉 I am from the second type of people. May have a strong and Quick Reaction on a trigger, but because of therapy I’ve learnt how to deal with it and I can now act in a more “normal” way then before.
Really weird explanation from a professional. I would say that Borderline can start to heal when he starts to control the sub-presonality switch consciously (so it will not switch)..he will maybe experience great emotional injury but can control to act on thousands stupid impulses from imatured and very trauamtized sub-selve who is trying to take over the mind instantly. Traumatized people have fragmented personality and borderlines have a special set of sub-selves which are highly reactive. Borderline is very similar to a dissociative personality disorder, they just don't change the voice while they change the sub-selve which brings a different sets of reactions and emotions and may not have to have a capacity to acces empathy, so some sub-selves may be very aggressive and unemotional and cold and dangerous. When borderline will manage to stay as long as possible in a Real-self and will manage to control the antisocial sub-selves then that's a good recovery trajectory, but huge introspection is needed.
They focus on TFP and from what you are describing is a different approach. I find more weird the fact that your writing seems much more deeminign to the TBP patient. TBH
Behold for each mood is likened unto the ever changing seasons Some dark or dull Other's bright or warm Remember that all seasons Pass on by and Change.
Bpd might of been easier to recognize and control if I had been diagnosed and treated correctly. But I guess if you factor in abuse, neglect and trauma it become’s much more difficult to pin down. One time I was hospitalized they did a 3 hour test that revealed I had bpd. But they never went into detail on what it was or how to treat it. So I continued on cycling and feeling completely out of control! I did try to commit suicide a couple of time’s. But for the most part I never stopped looking for help. Sadly it is very hard to find someone that know’s how to treat a person with bpd. I’m still searching. It should not be this hard to find help. Bpd is not well understood. I can honestly say that I have never found a therapist that actually knew what it was. There is just no education out there. At least where I have looked for 31 years. Even with a very supportive husband it has been a terrible struggle to just stay alive and keep pushing.
Talking and analyzing the symptoms,all the time,projection,split,etc,is all...a talk..about the possible help people involved in bpd can get...not the very person....one must fight the causes,not the symptoms,if you care for a loved one, or anyone to get better...
In my experience, i don't think it ever goes away. I can be ok for months and then a trigger happens and all of my symptoms whoosh back in. It's horrendous 😢. Then i have to use DBT skills ❤
The getting beyond people not liking me and isolating with no friends is where I'm at......It's very difficult for me to look past that and make friends......any advice/video advice?
A lot with BPD also have c-ptsd. Generally most personality disorders ( Cluster B ) are prolonged trauma responses that are very heavy. Maybe going to a traumatherapist instead helps. For heavy cases there is also Ego State Therapy and neurofeedback can help the brain regulate.
It's really hard...so hard that unless u feel it u will not understand...n this has lead to the self harm tough I'm lot in control but I know that I'm prone to it still once I cross that point beyond which I have no control...the point where my emotions take control of the "sane and controlled" part of me...what should I do then???plz plz plz help me
@@Leahv103 If DBT doesn't work, maybe there is also too heavy c-ptsd involved. Maybe Schematherapy, Ego State Therapy or neurofeedback can help. I wish you two the very best!
Isn't scenario two, where an individual can modulate the response just a step in the direction of existing in scenario 1? And wouldn't a sense of *perceived safety* actually be what prevents making that leap?
Yes, but sometimes you can't reach step 1 with therapy alone, because the brain is that disregulated. In these cases the pwBPD could try out neurofeedback. If you're interested in this approach you can look for Bessel van der Kolk and neurofeedback here on youtube.
At 5:11, Frank Yeomans introduces a category of persons who never stop having that initial reaction. Can we find a way past that? Not if he is entirely right. Perhaps a deeper investigation may find a way past it? I would guess so. A more subtle understanding is hard, nearly impossible, to winkle out. Can the therapist's intuition help?
Maybe I don't understand enough but certainly people with bpd don't react to every single thing? But as far as what might heal that I thought it was interesting what Lois Choi-Kain, director of the Gunderson inst. said that therapy is not the end all and be all of healing. But then the question is what will the person even be open to even if it can work?
I've been in psychoanalysis for 3 years in the past, and now I am starting dbt, and I really hope I can achieve all the results that you mention here. :) Will be hard work
It made my thoughts less messy but really I don't think it was usefull for borderline cause now I'm kinda starting to integrate and feel less anxious. At least not traditional psychoanalisis
@@jazmin6031 i am in psychonalisis for 4 years and i dont think it is going as expected :( there is no dbt option where i live and i am in pain. What happened with ur jurney? I am happy to see smone on the same path, if we would talk i would be super appriciated.
Oh dear the drinks at work who hated me so I isate because she got me fired.I hot tired of her flirting and calli g me a fudgepacket.I'm.sixty three good luck on that I I herited my mo.s mass on my liver .I'll die the same way because I was scapegoated
I don't know if this will help anyone but it helped me to find my "sense of self" I created a huge mood board and put things/people/memories etc I liked in a bid to help me understand what I actually like/patterns of behaviour which helped me to understand who I am as a person
That’s a really good idea!
This really does help. I've found that in order to start my recovery, I need to find out who I am in order to be kind to her first. I also recommend Daniel J Fox's website that has a few worksheets about sense of self - one of them's a personality test so it helps to identify what traits you have that are pervasive across multiple people.
That’s interesting, thanks!
Oh totally! I created a booklet called "self" and put my values, things I like, mbti, personality yests, goals, dreams...etc - as a form of mirroring back to me who I am. Cause I tend to forget...lol...
I do this too!
It all comes down to accepting a lot of pain, feeling it, but not acting it out. At least that's what I get from this.
Malcolm Z
I got :. recognizing what is going on in my mind (self talk) and learning to change my self talk, claiming the emotions a being MY emotions (no one 'makes' me angry, I get angry.) to be more rational.
From, "she always pisses me off."
To : "there are times when I feel upset by something she says."
I "own" my thoughts emotions, and actions and stop blaming others.
Malcolm Z yes and it goes on and on and on and you're alone and you're blamed for not going about it correctly which causes more pain and humiliating to boot which then makes you vulnerable to psychopaths and you're alone alone alone not to mention punished for even admitting you have this disorder.
Nah it's really not like that nor is it like what Laurie said exactly. As you practice awareness it becomes much much easier to let go of anger and sadness, because you see that what you imagine those other people did or think is not _actual_ . It is made up in your mind and projected into the other person. Because it becomes easier to let go, you don't start to swell up from all the projections you are taking back into yourself and then feel. You just let it go, and become better and better at recognising and letting go as you stay aware and practice. Basically I would recommend that just for some time, whenever you feel something, instead of assuming it's because of what the other person did, turn your assumption around on yourself and think that it is because of what you did. Don't think this in a damning way, but in an empowering way. _I_ interpreted something quickly and unconsciously here, and then feel this because of my interpretation+projection. Of course sometimes this won't be quite true, and someone else might actually have done something that wasn't very nice, but you'll figure that out soon enough if you truly consider if it might have been you yourself. The most convincing reason to practice this, to me, is that it puts back power in your hands. You're not at the mercy of what you feel anymore. You can do something.
Yes I agree
Amazing, thank you!!!!! This is one of the best lines I've ever heard.
I was diagnosed at 38 with borderline personality disorder I've been in therapy therapy for about 10 years but my last couple sessions my therapist and I discovered that I was really angry at my mother for kicking me out at 14 years old but the thing that I noticed is that I didn't come back home I didn't run back to her and the fact that I didn't tell the police was that I accepted my abandonment and I'm 43 now and then I came to terms that what was done to me was unnatural it was wrong it's impossible for a person to accept neglectful parent but like I said I'm 43 years old I accept myself everyday I'm a survivor of a narcissistic parent and that makes me a superhero I was abandoned I accepted and still I survived it 😭💯🐞
I had a narcissistic parent too. Congratulations on your progress and for sticking with treatment. That's really horrible what happened to you. Heartbreaking 💔.I wonder what happened to your mother. I found out that BPD is 50 percent heritable which is a very high genetic component to it. I think my NPD mother had it too, which is very sad. I found out she was traumatized, like I was. Thank God I never had kids.
Thanks for sharing ❤
Intergenerational trauma, passed down.
I’d like to share- I had spent about five years dedicated to my recovery before I met someone who pursued me romantically so persistently that I started unraveling with my boundaries. I then pursued a relationship with this person and further unraveled myself for five years. I just want to say that recovery can take such a long time even for people who have never really manifested full on BPD but were raised by a parent with BPD as well as histrionic personality disorder. I entered talk therapy at a very young age so I was extremely aware of the risks I faced growing up with a mother like this. Still, being around certain people can unravel even the most self-aware. Be careful and stay committed to your boundaries.
Yes, everything he said is true. I have bpd. My bpd has gotten better just in the ways he was talking about. I haven't been to a therapist yet. Meditation and mindfulness got me to this point. I'm excited about starting therapy next week!!!
Do you still feel empty and bored all the time?
@@shazaashraf680 I have borderline. I have been in therapy for about 3 months. I still feel bored and empty sometimes. But the difference now is that I can reflect on it and then take action to feel better without drinking or risky behavior. Therapy is working for me. I hope if you have the opportunity that you will try it.
thats great to hear you say that. meditation and mindfulness is a HUGE part the puzzle and its sad that people down play its importance because they think 'they were born like this' so that means that things will never improve. all of the great spiritual texts of the ages tell stories of transformation of the mind. mental illness is not a modern phenomenon. unfortunately we are detached from nature and spirit nowadays so many don't find healing. ofcourse therapy and trauma resolution is the other matching part of the puzzle ! sounds like you have great insight and positive belief in yourself, so I think you will find great healing.
your comment gave me hope , thank you so much
any update?
I've done years of therpay, 2 full programmes of dbt, transfurance psychotherapy, emdr, parts work, somatic experincing, deep brain Reorienting, cbt, trauma focused therapy, advance flash technique.
I still have times of total recovery and then remission. Normally triggered by unprocessed trauma or hormones, family stress, work stress.
It's a constant work to keep myself in my tolrance window and watch out for episodes. I still suffer a lot with splitting eposides, some emotional regulation. But I'm a lot less impulsiveness and have a harmonious relationship with my system and relationship with self.
We're all proud of you.
Well done!! Huge 🎉
I love when he says"I'm interrupting myself" love that i do this a lot. cool to put a label to it that helps me focus. Also great points on bpd, very relatable. Can tell you are very knowledgable about the personality disorder.
Its all about the anger. The biggest issue is struggling to process emotions and information due to emotional numbness from anger. I solved the equation for why the anger and no longer fit the diagnosis for BPD.
Me too! I FEEL things including anger.
How did you solve this please? I’d love to try your technique. This sounds great for you and I hope you’re still doing well.
@@elisei50 I hope to publish it and have it peer reviewed, but I do not have the academic or social clout to do so.
I feel like often times with personality disorders, it starts with an event. Possibly traumatic, possibly not. Basically like PTSD, but the difference is that from a young age, it starts us on a path or doing things that create the personality disorder. Ill-advised ways of coping. Porn, stress eating, self-harm, drugs, alcohol, and various other things that aren't really good ways to address problems or manage stress.
In cases like this, I feel like you could treat the underlying issues if you could figure them out and the rest (the rest being the majority of the personality disorder) will work itself out with time and therapy.
Frank Yeoman is so calm & his voice is soothing.
This is really useful. I have (or had) BPD symptoms after being discarded by someone that I now believe is a cluster B type. I suspect it's more PTSD than BPD, as I never used to be like this and wouldn't really care if people said/did negative things to me. I was very thick skinned until I met him (it was unfortunately right after dealing with a very stressful family crisis, so I wasn't paying attention to red flags and was just happy to have met someone that seemed really kind and attentive). But I had a mental breakdown after all the gaslighting, humiliation, breadcrumbing/ignoring stuff he did and for a long time I had zero ego and was convinced everyone hated me and wanted to hurt me. I didn't want to leave the house or speak to anyone for over a year and still find it difficult. Although I'm slowly recovering. It's sick, as it's a situation where you really need the help and support of people around you but you push everyone away and isolate yourself instead. Now I'm having to go back and apologise to my friends and family for disappearing for so long and hope they can understand it wasn't anything they did. Although I'm now so used to being alone that I'm not sure I'll ever go back to the happy, friendly, talkative person I used to be. I'm still very paranoid at times. But maybe that's a good thing, as I was far too trusting and naive before and let people used me as a doormat.
Our stories are almost identical.
I am forcing myself to be talkative and fun. What has changed is, I have been working on an inner toolkit (boundaries). I learned about psychopaths/sociopaths/manipulators…added their tactics to my toolkit. It’s weird but in my head I now have the option to choose between doing the “right or wrong” thing. So, I’m training myself to walk around and being my confident self. It’s great power to know that I have a “let there be carnage” button built in. The inner pain & suffering is something I live with daily. It’s so horrifying to see how people used to prey on me as I walked around all kind & naïve indeed.
Я вас понимаю
That's not bpd. Bpd forms in childhood the same as all cluster b personalities
Same I learned to say no
You were in a relationship with a narcissist, they tend to attract BDP people
Buddhist practice has been the best thing for me and well as most recently at age 51 of getting this diagnosis to understand what I’m lived with all my life. The danger of meditation is seeing the first positive change as definitive instead of a path. That’s been a learning lesson so turning to ethical principles to help this lost sense of self seems at least as important as sitting meditation. I wish you all well in your respective journeys of healing.
Negative Core beleifs are the root cause of BPD. Figure these out in absoulte clarity with a threpaist and understand how these were formed . Use EMDR to reprogramme trauma associated with these beleifs if any. Make this your number one focus. Number 2. Re-Programme and replace feeling with a parent model of your choosing. Imagine yourself as a kid, write down the attributes of your ideal loving parent and flood your self with these images and feeling 3 times a day every day. Picture you as a child and your loving, caring, accepting parent behind you telling you that your doing ok. Rinse repeat
What you're basically suggesting is self-compassion (and loving-kindness) practice. I agree. Self-compassion is very powerful. It can help to also add an awareness increasing process though, like the one this therapy proposes. It's good to try to become more aware of what you project out of yourself. The danger if you don't do this, is that you could fall back into old habits very easily, because you won't recognise what you're doing (projecting).
How do I get over feeling silly about giving myself love as if I were a child? I have an extremely critical and mean inner voice who really really berates me in a sadistic way, and I feel like a fool thinking of myself as a child as I am an adult. I think I find it pathetic to be honest. But I know it’s what I desperately need. Do you think that feeling will go away as I do the exercise three times a day as you suggested? Do you have any thoughts on why doing inner-child work is not pathetic? I just can’t imagine someone I respect needing to do that, but I also don’t have a lot of respect for myself anyway...
@@natatattful I understand how you feel. For me i got to a point where enough was enough and i was willing to try anything.
@@jackdawcaw4514 Yes self compassion is important but the absolute priority focus should be self awareness. This is the first step to change imo
Matthew Leigh thank you for replying!
It all comes down to being able to afford a therapist who knows anything about it.
mallory or searching on the internet, getting to know more about it and using others experiences as group therapy :) don’t lose hope, you can do it !!!
Dont know where in the world you are based but I am under a mental health team in UK meaning my therapist + other treatments are free through their services
@@laura72339 crazy how I just saw your comment from a couple hours ago, when this video is years old. Here in the US if your insurance doesn't cover mental health treatment (which a decent amount of insurance company's will cover like 12 therapist visits a year.) No specialty services. A specialist, or doctor who is able to treat, and prescribe, is gonna run someone at least $500 per visit. Not even including the price of meds.
@@anniebeaittie715 the video was recommended to me today despite being an old upload. Oh my goodness that's truly appalling!! Even 12 sessions a year = 1 a month which wouldn't be enough for most individuals!!
That does help a lot, but you can't forget that independent research and self-discovery is massively important. A lot of people with BPD don't get better because they refuse to believe they even have it. I, on the other hand, started heavily researching it and thinking back to all these memories and analyzing them in this new context, and it opened my eyes to just how flawed my thinking was. That realization alone progressed me through my healing far more than just "going to therapy" has. My current therapist almost wants to believe that I don't even have it because I present so well and that I'm so open and aware of a lot of it. Have to remind her that I've been on this journey for a while and she only sees an hour of me a week; I have to catch myself a lot even now when I'm about to have an emotional cycle or do something toxic and destructive.
I have bpd and i am passionate intuitive.clever .actor .i feel everything
when he was reffering to his patient as "her" i felt as if he was talking about me. Im glad I can live a normal life; feels good to know this is fixable.
Plz could u talk about how to deal with extreme emotional shift after recognizing it...because I know I'm in that state but it is hard for me to handle myself...I accept it...but I'm scared of myself because I don't know what I am going to do next
Small dose Psilocybin or mdma can help with a close friend in a comfortable environment. Its very healing. Research Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies. Just make sure you are not taking any other medication at the time especially SSRI or MAOI. rollsafe.org/start-here/
I go through the same... I say your same exact words. I am insisting to find the right therapist... I finally got diagnosed after 15 years of failed therapy.
Ignore him, drugs are never the answer
Tobiah Micheal de saint Aubin weird... so you never take medication?
If you look at medical studies regarding psychedelics...you might be surprised.
Far better than many of the narcotics out medical systems (which I used to work for) would hand out like candy...creating loads of dependency and addiction issues, opioid crises and deaths... get curious, before you judge.
It's so frustrating
I have known for years my initial reaction was ridiculous
But could not n still can't stop initial reaction but I have decreased the time I loose it for lack of a better word ( crying yelling kicking stuff etc)
I have 3 kids and have had to have family pick them up a few times
Always right before I start my pd because I have pmdd
It is scarry because I could ruin myself or others life in 1 min and I usually am like that for20 - 45 mins go thru all feelings then I'm ok ...
But getting thru that can be difficult
If I idealize suicidal ideations I have to be weary . Not something to play with
Cbt and dbt have helped me substancially
I also take lamictal which does help with some of the rage and impulsivity
I tryed psychotherapy it was amazing after my 12 sessions I felt positive about my life that positivity lasted for a year and a half and then I got bullied at work my emotions got out of control and everything started again I was in pain.
BPD has it origins in abuse and trauma. BPD is the result of trying to protect the self with an exaggerated version of the self. Psychotherapy helped you get in touch with your loving self, but didn’t teach you about how to protect yourself from maltreatment. I think if you learned about healthy assertiveness you will have the right set of skills to defend yourself against the things that bother you appropriately. And then you won’t feel yourself spiraling down to the emotionally triggered, aggressive version anymore. I think people experiencing BPD generally have a hard time advocating for themselves in a healthy, assertive manner.
Holy Crap!! You just described me perfectly. Now what?
@@Ana-rb7ws Sounds right! Thank you!
@@BBFCCO733 now, you must find a therapist please. i have a crazy story i could share with you because of my Mother who is refusing to get therapy when she direly needs it. If you truly have BPD and you can recognize your flaws associated with BPD that’s amazing. But seriously, #1 thing to do is to seek help. Help starts with the therapist.
so sorry keep praying I know it's not easy
My son has BPD and refuses to accept it - yet.
He is in a treatment center. How can I advocate for him? He in his early 30's and has been behaving in frightening ways. The BPD has only just become apparent to me, thankfully because of a young woman who refused to give up on him. Me and this young lady were kept from communicating by my son but now we are on the same page and comparing stories and he has all the signs of bad other than self mutilation BUT the things he has been doing put him severely in harms way.
For me to be able to hear from people who are dealing with this will help so much. Learning how they finally came to the conclusion it was bad, and the successes and failures in dealing with it - will help us to help him. I am frightened to death for him. He is really hurting.
You explained it to the tee of what my recovery was like, I didn't even realise I had bpd until I learnt to focus on my thoughts and feelings
I learnt this by watching a video called "the secret of self control"
Amazing how a video can change your life..
GotFaculty what’s the biggest thing that helped you recover? I’ve been struggling so much with my bpd. I have awareness now and have been paying attention to my thoughts/feelings/actions and I’m even able to assert more self respect now than I could before so I am very slightly improving. But I have lots of trouble with my emotional outbursts as they are getting worst the older I get not better. I feel out of control of my emotions
@@Leahv103 how r u now dear?
This hombre definitely does NOT have BPD - he is as calm as a mountain lake at sunrise. A very worthwhile video - thanks.
Do you really think someone can't be ok for 7 minutes straight even if they do have bpd?
@@smerdopsis6092 They´re always on the borderline. It´s a difficult problem, with many degrees of seriousness. Good day.
@Dinah N Absolutely correct, it´s personal relationships where committment is involved, and fear of abandonment swings into action.
It comes down to keeping it to yourself, not showing much emotion. The mental health industry is peopled by those that are lacking in emotion. They have a disdain for emotion of all types and the expression of those emotions. They don't like sensitive, high strung or artistic temperaments. Most psychiatrists fall at the opposite end of the continuum and frequently display an almost psychopathic disposition. I'm surprised the mental health industry didn't try to have Princess Diana committed.
It doesn't come down to that at all. This whole post is one big defensive projection.
You sound like you never had a decent therapist by spewing such ignorance. If it wasn't for mental health professionals I would of never known I had control in the situation. I don't know about you, but feeling these emotions at the level I do with BPD isn't fun, it's not enlightening, and it doesn't make me more artistic. It is hard feeling things on such a level, and people deserve to know that they can manage these feelings. It's not about hiding your bs, it's about dealing with it. It's about acknowledging there is room for growth. Opening one's eyes and being mindful to the situation so that it can be changed. I was forever lost in my own feelings, until I realized I could actually do something about it. I wouldn't wish that feeling of helplessness or "this is just me" on anyone. It's lonely, and it's a rough road that I still continue to walk down...
Major generalisation of the professional body of therapists as well as the conditions many suffer from there please revisit your conclusion
I understand what you are saying. I think they do have emotions, but not so intense and extreme. But hey, not everyone is the same.
@@BBFCCO733 but if you’re working in a field where you’re around vulnerable people, then don’t be a selfish prick and only think about yourself, you’re not there for that. You’re there to help people. So have a good attitude about it or get a different job. Period.
"I'm interrupting myself" 😍😍
What about the issue with the inability to experience any sort of true, lasting love? It’s just attachment, infatuation and neediness with no sense of true love which is the most tragic part
Ooof I feel that x1000
Forget the symptoms,fight the causes....and the very family who killed any soul of its...might recover first...then comes the destroyed one...dare to fix ...bpd is CLEARLY A FAMILY DISORDER...not one person s situation,or whatever someone considers as family, if not had one...no child growing up in fear and insecurity,will give you people..... flowers
My mother should not have been permitted to have children. I have gone no contact with her because of the severe bullying and now she is going for my daughter next she is a narcissistic evil woman
Well, it's somtimes true I would say. It is also genetic. Not in the sense that people are 'wrong' or 'defective', but in the sense that maybe they have a very sensitive predisposition, and then if the parent is a bit .... burdened .... problems can develop. Of course there are clearly cases where the parents are just really shitty. I won't deny that.
Exactly .
@@jackdawcaw4514 No it's abuse I should know I have severe BPD . Terrifying horrific childhood .
This is very true. It is a family disorder. My father had borderline personality disorder, my mum is a narcissist, I have borderline personality disorder, my brother does too
Very insightful. Thank you
I can regulate and integrate after a year of therapy, but I still have trouble with the self-sabotage, self-infliction of harm, physical and psychological. I felt as if my Borderline was indeed "cured" until I noticed certain obsessive repetitive behaviors that harm me, and I hadn't even taken notice they never fucking stopped. I just want to stop hurting myself....
I found this video beneficial in that we can start to understand that there are different pathways to managing BPD, based on his observations. There was no advice, simply food for thought by way of observations.
This man knows what he’s talking about.
Yes.
Love me some Frank Yeomans! So greatful for all his work and public education!!❤
I can see how im different as ive gotten older but im having a very hard time dealing with myself during those times
so much wisdom in 7 minutes .... "control and mastery". controlling our minds. not being controlled by our minds. we need to believe in our own power. only then we will shift from being the victim, the 'fucked up one that is too fucked up to be any different'. nah, you can. self awareness. this guy said it. it takes work but that doesn't mean control and mastery isn't possible.
I used to treat my boyfriend like shit until one-day I said, this isn't okay. there is an aggressive angry part of me that I need to recognise. I cant keep excusing this cos I'm 'fucked up'. and I practiced awareness of it and reigned it in. our relationship is much better now.
Fantastic, thank you
Wow. His voice is so soothing! Great psychologist
These learned skills sound quite doable for some with bpd; however, mindfulness is no doubt needed for proper processing. Certainly it is possible to "fall off the wagon"...as everyone does regarding misbehavior. No one is always a saint. Even I eat too many cookies in one evening..sometimes
Sometimes I find myself in an unjust situation and I get into an angry episode that last about 3 days. Yelling and screaming it out helps, but ruins my relationship who is in my company or the even worse target of my anger.
Woow Dr thanks so much🎉 I am from the second type of people. May have a strong and Quick Reaction on a trigger, but because of therapy I’ve learnt how to deal with it and I can now act in a more “normal” way then before.
Did this Dr Pass away he was wonderful .
Then there's the rest of us who only get worse even after decades of treatment. Future very frightening.
Hey! How are you doing?
Really weird explanation from a professional. I would say that Borderline can start to heal when he starts to control the sub-presonality switch consciously (so it will not switch)..he will maybe experience great emotional injury but can control to act on thousands stupid impulses from imatured and very trauamtized sub-selve who is trying to take over the mind instantly. Traumatized people have fragmented personality and borderlines have a special set of sub-selves which are highly reactive. Borderline is very similar to a dissociative personality disorder, they just don't change the voice while they change the sub-selve which brings a different sets of reactions and emotions and may not have to have a capacity to acces empathy, so some sub-selves may be very aggressive and unemotional and cold and dangerous. When borderline will manage to stay as long as possible in a Real-self and will manage to control the antisocial sub-selves then that's a good recovery trajectory, but huge introspection is needed.
They focus on TFP and from what you are describing is a different approach. I find more weird the fact that your writing seems much more deeminign to the TBP patient. TBH
How does one stay their true self all the time?
These videos are so helpful esp where u mentioned abt the myths...it helped me...plz sir talk about how to control extreme emotions..
Behold for each mood is likened unto
the ever changing seasons
Some dark or dull Other's bright or warm
Remember that all seasons
Pass on by and Change.
I really like this Psychiatrist.
I wish I had sought help sooner had I been more honest with myself about how damaging of a person I was
You arrived in perfect time❤
Man, i love this guy. I wish he is my paychologist.
I love this man
im figuring out that i have to be on an antideppressent or else i feel like crap and im mean as hell, therapy is just showing me the crap that i do
Just found this,I'm not on meds at all and alot more stable but life has changed very much
@@seanmarie4653 which meds worked for you
This is actually quite helpful
Bpd might of been easier to recognize and control if I had been diagnosed and treated correctly. But I guess if you factor in abuse, neglect and trauma it become’s much more difficult to pin down. One time I was hospitalized they did a 3 hour test that revealed I had bpd. But they never went into detail on what it was or how to treat it. So I continued on cycling and feeling completely out of control! I did try to commit suicide a couple of time’s. But for the most part I never stopped looking for help. Sadly it is very hard to find someone that know’s how to treat a person with bpd. I’m still searching. It should not be this hard to find help. Bpd is not well understood. I can honestly say that I have never found a therapist that actually knew what it was. There is just no education out there. At least where I have looked for 31 years. Even with a very supportive husband it has been a terrible struggle to just stay alive and keep pushing.
Please don't give up .I lost my love to this. Keep searching and know your loved. Trust in the lord.
Talking and analyzing the symptoms,all the time,projection,split,etc,is all...a talk..about the possible help people involved in bpd can get...not the very person....one must fight the causes,not the symptoms,if you care for a loved one, or anyone to get better...
Grey is a beautifull color so it seems
In my experience, i don't think it ever goes away. I can be ok for months and then a trigger happens and all of my symptoms whoosh back in. It's horrendous 😢. Then i have to use DBT skills ❤
The getting beyond people not liking me and isolating with no friends is where I'm at......It's very difficult for me to look past that and make friends......any advice/video advice?
BPD leads to a spiritual awakening if you allow it.
"Momentaneously"? How fast is that? LOL
Tamara Jessup probably by the moment
IT'S NOT BRAIN CHEMISTRY IT'S TRAUMA!!!!!!!
A lot with BPD also have c-ptsd. Generally most personality disorders ( Cluster B ) are prolonged trauma responses that are very heavy. Maybe going to a traumatherapist instead helps. For heavy cases there is also Ego State Therapy and neurofeedback can help the brain regulate.
I can manage my BPD but I don't know how I would go in a romantic attachment..
It's really hard...so hard that unless u feel it u will not understand...n this has lead to the self harm tough I'm lot in control but I know that I'm prone to it still once I cross that point beyond which I have no control...the point where my emotions take control of the "sane and controlled" part of me...what should I do then???plz plz plz help me
Hazel Love how are you doing now? I’m struggling with this too
@@Leahv103 If DBT doesn't work, maybe there is also too heavy c-ptsd involved. Maybe Schematherapy, Ego State Therapy or neurofeedback can help. I wish you two the very best!
Isn't scenario two, where an individual can modulate the response just a step in the direction of existing in scenario 1? And wouldn't a sense of *perceived safety* actually be what prevents making that leap?
Yes, but sometimes you can't reach step 1 with therapy alone, because the brain is that disregulated. In these cases the pwBPD could try out neurofeedback. If you're interested in this approach you can look for Bessel van der Kolk and neurofeedback here on youtube.
Smart man i have bpd
At 5:11, Frank Yeomans introduces a category of persons who never stop having that initial reaction. Can we find a way past that? Not if he is entirely right. Perhaps a deeper investigation may find a way past it? I would guess so. A more subtle understanding is hard, nearly impossible, to winkle out. Can the therapist's intuition help?
Maybe I don't understand enough but certainly people with bpd don't react to every single thing? But as far as what might heal that I thought it was interesting what Lois Choi-Kain, director of the Gunderson inst. said that therapy is not the end all and be all of healing. But then the question is what will the person even be open to even if it can work?
I've been in psychoanalysis for 3 years in the past, and now I am starting dbt, and I really hope I can achieve all the results that you mention here. :) Will be hard work
It made my thoughts less messy but really I don't think it was usefull for borderline cause now I'm kinda starting to integrate and feel less anxious. At least not traditional psychoanalisis
Maybe was a good preparation for my dbt
@@jazmin6031 what about your sense of self
@@jazmin6031 i am in psychonalisis for 4 years and i dont think it is going as expected :( there is no dbt option where i live and i am in pain.
What happened with ur jurney? I am happy to see smone on the same path, if we would talk i would be super appriciated.
@@burakeyi hi. Where do you live. An in location.
good video ✅
To borrow from the tyrants playbook, everyone has to be on board for it to work. Now I see that this is NOT SO. Many thanks.
Do borderlines feel love …. I fell for one and I am not sure what to believe
You start to feel like you're acting someone else's life
It's fascinating. I have a hard time imagining how that would feel. I think I'm still catching myself.
Internal borders to concentrate on preguarding yourself
Carl Jung is the answer here
if you work on the MBTI parent function of the pwBPD... you might see improvement.
genius :)
Integrated? I have been trying to say this to anyone who will listen!! Its like Emotional D.I.D.
I thought the same thing!!!!
Dr Sam Vaknin
What he's describing sounds like RET,.
Oh dear the drinks at work who hated me so I isate because she got me fired.I hot tired of her flirting and calli g me a fudgepacket.I'm.sixty three good luck on that I I herited my mo.s mass on my liver .I'll die the same way because I was scapegoated
Is he drunk?
No.
X2Y2 mmm he seems drunk.
Are you? I infer from your stupid comment you must be.
No but you might be.
Lol 😆
Rose Skeeters has an interactive community online for BPD recovery , it’s fantastic and has really helped me!