I’ve been married to one for 49 years. I try to be a good Catholic. I do daily scripture readings, attend a womens Bible study in my parish, spend quiet time with God, etc. I try to fill myself up with Gods graces; but, then my husband sucks a good deal of my happiness from me. I battle with depression every day. I’ve reached out to a parish priest for spiritual advise. Waiting for a response from him. God bless you.
This planted a seed for me that blossomed when I realized I was being passive aggressive with my husband. I went back, apologized and told him in a straightforward manner what I needed. Here’s hoping that recognition continues.
I'm not entirely sure if I'm passive aggressive or not. I definitely have trouble expressing my feelings but I don't really get what I want in a manipulative way. If I want something, I'm simply too afraid to ask for it and then get upset when I don't get that thing. Oh boy, I wanted to discover more about myself this Lent and we're only a few days in. Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
I have struggled within my marriage for 62 years. My husband has so many good qualities but I have sought counseling for verbal abuse and a general sense of not being able to explain my deep down sense of.unhappiness.. this information describes so clearly what I live with (daily since retirement.). I need more information. Thank you.
This is an excellent description of passive aggressive behavior, thank you!!! If calling your partner out on passive aggressive behavior is not safe for you, it could be a sign of abuse. You can call the domestic abuse hotline confidentially with your concerns. Stay safe.
I didnt know I was passive aggressive. My daughter called me out on it. I started to research passive aggressive and was sad to see they say such people always are and cant change. I disagree. I work on it daily. You can control it if you admit and become aware of this behavior. Being a mom of 5 made me this way 😄 🙏
I was married to a man who was like this for 54 years. I had to find my own way with my own friends doing things that I enjoyed without him. There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and that is why I had to find my way through life with other people. He thought he owned me and our children. We were the "things" that were his. Of course they left the house as soon as they could to have their own lives. He passed away 8 years ago and I still struggle about forgivness. He was in a skilled nursing facility 3 hours away. I hope he had time with God to ask for forgivness. As a Catholic I believed there was no way out and that I had to stay. The one thing that helped was spending time alone with the door closed/locked praying the rosary. I still relive some things, but am trying with God's help to put it behind me. It is not easy at age 83 to forget.
Had listened when you were often on the radio ...had not heard you lately on radio, so grateful to learn that you are still speaking! Adding you to my prayer tree, Matt - have a commitment to daily rosaries +
Love 💕 your book “Life is Messy” Thank you 😊 Matthew Kelly! “I started writing 📝 a book on my life, not long after I graduated higher school. When one day my neighbor who was in grade school came over to use my computer. I let her copy my “book on life” to a floppy disk 💾 and missed-placed it. By the time I discovered it. . .it vanished, was blank.😏 One day while down sizing, cleaning clutter, donated all my computers for reused parts.” It’s amazing how much value you can put into a short-page-book! 🤩 Thank you again Matthew, “I feel like I could help thousands of people too! Just like you, helping me.” You make me want to start writing ✍🏻 💕
@@MatthewKellyAuthor Oh 🙌🏻 Yes, your book makes me realize I’m not living Gods will. Just taking care of this three archer Ranch is not enough, and buying and reselling to help the poor in my Shop. “No, not enough.” The name of my book: “Growing Up as an Outsider Who was Always Looking In.” I was called retard, Dummy, and felt like a Blockhead. In school I couldn’t read or write as well as my classmates. My kindergarten teacher probably wrote M R on my personal record, I don’t even remember anything in those days except how the classroom or play-areas. I was born in 1964 when dyslexia was not even heard of, and our children with dyslexia their brain needs to be woke up and worked with before the age of two. My dyslexia was not discovered until the age of 11 or 12 when I was going into third grade. I came from a wonderful, large family. . . There were strict orders for them to all 🛑 STOP calling me those terrible names. They felt bad when they found out I wasn’t stupid, my brain just worked differently than other people’s brains do. I don’t write nothing bad in this book about my brothers and sisters. “But they were still not happy with the thought of me even writing this book.” That’s the only reason the book is not already published. 🤫 😔 I love your book, because yes I’m STUCK been STUCK! Two or three years now. After rereading your book and sharing it with others it’s just a Miracle the GOODNESS it brought out of me & other’s! “Makes me want to get up on stage and SING 🗣 now!” Never felt this way about myself. Always carried low self esteem about myself, and sometimes too negative. But now I could flourish. 😊 🙌🏻 💕 🌼 💕 🌺
Great tips for recognizing this type of behavior. I like "don't delay in pointing it out when you see it being used," so true and very helpful for breaking the pattern instead of falling down the rabbit hole!
Thanks for this video...I really needed to hear this message based on people in my life right now. It's great advice for understanding others and myself when it comes to passive-aggressive behavior.
Well yes it is but let us remember we are all sinners and we don’t know there pain. See psalms and David’s lamenting and joy Laugh is here on earth definitely finite, but oh the good we can do if but just remember some simple factoids Heaven is infinitely more good news to away in the city of the Angels and the Lord!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Many psychologist like to say not speaking is passive-aggressive. I disagree. My Beautiful Beloved Mother used to always say to my brothers and I "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" that is the approach I like to take often. My father was a mean, Sicilian Marine. He was the exact opposite of my Humble, calm Mother. I have much of him in me, so I just take the shut your mouth approach. I eventually speak out when I have calmed down.
I have calmly confronted this on several occasions with my spouse. It escalates the situation every time. Not certain there is a solution most times. Most passive aggressives are immature and selfish. Not interested in change. It’s a huge cross to bear on the other side of such a person
Calmly confronting passive aggressive behavior can be dangerous if you are dealing with someone who has a personality disorder such as Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder. Stay safe, CN. If you suspect your spouse has a disorder, please consider reaching out to professionals for support: a counselor who specializes in this, or the domestic abuse hotline. I pray for your health and safety.
I've lived with a PA husband for 25 years. I doubt my own sanity, question every decision I "HAVE TO" make, and am exhausted with being responsible for everything. Of course I have recognized, defined, set boundaries, gone to therapy and done everything recommended except the final step: getting out. I am afraid our only son is like him. Why wouldn't he be? All he sees is his weak, ineffectual dad sulking and victimized by his raging, angry mom. At this point in my life, it seems impossible to change.
My husband is always late, and if we agree on getting something or doing something together, later after the fact its" well I only said so because you wanted it.
Matthew, I'm wondering if you've thought of WHY people do this? In my case, it's because I'm not heard - I usually do this at work. Not as much the aggressive part, but the passive resentment part, definitely. When you use passive-aggressive to get what you want, it's because other methods aren't working! Mind you, I know some folks learned it from their parents and never tried to act differently with others, so they are definitely missing out on deeper relationships. I'm mostly fine at home, but there are times when I realize my spouse doesn't want to hear my line of reasoning as to why he should do something - sometimes you have to pick your battles. Then I just do it myself, trying not to resent that. There are so many times he has to pick up my slack, I try not to resent having to pick up his. I think keeping score is poison, really. But at work, the boss is so difficult to work with that EVERYONE avoids talking to him on certain subjects, and he can be out of touch and unwilling to hear that he is making a mountain out of a molehill. From what I've seen, most of us nod and say "sure boss" and then quietly do the least amount possible on the time-wasting request. It sounds awful, but if we do exactly what he tells us, we do end up wasting time and making the company look bad to our vendors and providers. Passive-Agressive is not at all a good way to interact with your spouse, but people don't come up with it because they're stupid or evil. It's a coping mechanism which works in some situations and much less well in others. Some folks know they're doing it, some don't. It's sort of a way of avoiding conflict, so I suspect abused and dominated people use it because they feel they have no other way to express themselves or get what they want. So I'm just thinking the first question should be "Why do they feel they need to use this tactic?"
Maybe it's not only on them . What about how few times a person asks for help even though they have been let down just to find that nothing has changed and they are still having no issue letting the person down even more . Yes it can be a bit angering.
But sometimes if we are suffering from burn out becasue we take off and take on way more than we can do!’ So we have to step up and say no not today!! This is what my bear clanneds and other clanners teach me!! 😘💯🫶🙏🏻💚😭🙌🏻🥰❤️🇺🇸🎼🎤🎵
I’ve been married to one for 49 years. I try to be a good Catholic. I do daily scripture readings, attend a womens Bible study in my parish, spend quiet time with God, etc. I try to fill myself up with Gods graces; but, then my husband sucks a good deal of my happiness from me. I battle with depression every day. I’ve reached out to a parish priest for spiritual advise. Waiting for a response from him. God bless you.
This planted a seed for me that blossomed when I realized I was being passive aggressive with my husband. I went back, apologized and told him in a straightforward manner what I needed. Here’s hoping that recognition continues.
Powerful, thank you for sharing Kelly. I am delighted this resonated with you.
Passive-Aggressive behavior is is a way of controlling others - Thank you for the wisdom Matthew.
Unfortunately, I grew up in this sort of toxic environment. I'm 63 and still can't shake off my past. But I'm working on it.
I'm not entirely sure if I'm passive aggressive or not. I definitely have trouble expressing my feelings but I don't really get what I want in a manipulative way. If I want something, I'm simply too afraid to ask for it and then get upset when I don't get that thing. Oh boy, I wanted to discover more about myself this Lent and we're only a few days in. Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
I have struggled within my marriage for 62 years. My husband has so many good qualities but I have sought counseling for verbal abuse and a general sense of not being able to explain my deep down sense of.unhappiness.. this information describes so clearly what I live with (daily since retirement.). I need more information. Thank you.
This is an excellent description of passive aggressive behavior, thank you!!!
If calling your partner out on passive aggressive behavior is not safe for you, it could be a sign of abuse. You can call the domestic abuse hotline confidentially with your concerns. Stay safe.
I didnt know I was passive aggressive. My daughter called me out on it. I started to research passive aggressive and was sad to see they say such people always are and cant change. I disagree. I work on it daily. You can control it if you admit and become aware of this behavior. Being a mom of 5 made me this way 😄 🙏
I agree with you. We can work at it and change.
I was married to a man who was like this for 54 years. I had to find my own way with my own friends doing things that I enjoyed without him. There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and that is why I had to find my way through life with other people. He thought he owned me and our children. We were the "things" that were his. Of course they left the house as soon as they could to have their own lives. He passed away 8 years ago and I still struggle about forgivness. He was in a skilled nursing facility 3 hours away. I hope he had time with God to ask for forgivness. As a Catholic I believed there was no way out and that I had to stay. The one thing that helped was spending time alone with the door closed/locked praying the rosary. I still relive some things, but am trying with God's help to put it behind me. It is not easy at age 83 to forget.
Thank you for sharing with the community Pam. Prayers for you and your family.
I hope you find closure. I have tried and it does not exist for me .
It's like you were describing my life. Very eye opening. Thank you for helping me see this and giving me hope to change it.
Had listened when you were often on the radio ...had not heard you lately on radio, so grateful to learn that you are still speaking!
Adding you to my prayer tree, Matt - have a commitment to daily rosaries +
Love 💕 your book “Life is Messy” Thank you 😊 Matthew Kelly!
“I started writing 📝 a book on my life, not long after I graduated higher school. When one day my neighbor who was in grade school came over to use my computer. I let her copy my “book on life” to a floppy disk 💾 and missed-placed it. By the time I discovered it. . .it vanished, was blank.😏 One day while down sizing, cleaning clutter, donated all my computers for reused parts.”
It’s amazing how much value you can put into a short-page-book! 🤩 Thank you again Matthew, “I feel like I could help thousands of people too! Just like you, helping me.”
You make me want to start writing ✍🏻 💕
I’m so glad the book resonated with you. And yes if you feel called to write, write.
@@MatthewKellyAuthor Oh 🙌🏻 Yes, your book makes me realize I’m not living Gods will. Just taking care of this three archer Ranch is not enough, and buying and reselling to help the poor in my Shop. “No, not enough.” The name of my book: “Growing Up as an Outsider Who was Always Looking In.” I was called retard, Dummy, and felt like a Blockhead. In school I couldn’t read or write as well as my classmates. My kindergarten teacher probably wrote M R on my personal record, I don’t even remember anything in those days except how the classroom or play-areas. I was born in 1964 when dyslexia was not even heard of, and our children with dyslexia their brain needs to be woke up and worked with before the age of two. My dyslexia was not discovered until the age of 11 or 12 when I was going into third grade. I came from a wonderful, large family. . . There were strict orders for them to all 🛑 STOP calling me those terrible names. They felt bad when they found out I wasn’t stupid, my brain just worked differently than other people’s brains do. I don’t write nothing bad in this book about my brothers and sisters. “But they were still not happy with the thought of me even writing this book.” That’s the only reason the book is not already published. 🤫 😔
I love your book, because yes I’m STUCK been STUCK! Two or three years now. After rereading your book and sharing it with others it’s just a Miracle the GOODNESS it brought out of me & other’s! “Makes me want to get up on stage and SING 🗣 now!” Never felt this way about myself. Always carried low self esteem about myself, and sometimes too negative. But now I could flourish. 😊 🙌🏻 💕 🌼 💕 🌺
Really great points Matthew. Managing our own emotions and confronting it head on is key when responding to passive-aggressive behaviors.
Thanks.
Great tips for recognizing this type of behavior. I like "don't delay in pointing it out when you see it being used," so true and very helpful for breaking the pattern instead of falling down the rabbit hole!
Very specific examples. We sometimes have this so frequently in our lives, we don't recognize it for what it is .ty
Indeed. Very welcome Barbara. I hope you will share with others who need to hear this.
Thanks for this video...I really needed to hear this message based on people in my life right now. It's great advice for understanding others and myself when it comes to passive-aggressive behavior.
This is a criminally underrated self help topic. BIG QUESTION. what if the person is on purpose doing it to be hurtful
I think being late all the time is a form of passive aggression as well.
Well yes it is but let us remember we are all sinners and we don’t know there pain. See psalms and David’s lamenting and joy
Laugh is here on earth definitely finite, but oh the good we can do if but just remember some simple factoids
Heaven is infinitely more good news to away in the city of the Angels and the Lord!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Very true. I assume they don't want to be there in the first place if they are late. Why? That's another story.
Many psychologist like to say not speaking is passive-aggressive. I disagree. My Beautiful Beloved Mother used to always say to my brothers and I "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" that is the approach I like to take often. My father was a mean, Sicilian Marine. He was the exact opposite of my Humble, calm Mother. I have much of him in me, so I just take the shut your mouth approach. I eventually speak out when I have calmed down.
I have calmly confronted this on several occasions with my spouse.
It escalates the situation every time.
Not certain there is a solution most times. Most passive aggressives are immature and selfish. Not interested in change. It’s a huge cross to bear on the other side of such a person
Calmly confronting passive aggressive behavior can be dangerous if you are dealing with someone who has a personality disorder such as Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder. Stay safe, CN. If you suspect your spouse has a disorder, please consider reaching out to professionals for support: a counselor who specializes in this, or the domestic abuse hotline. I pray for your health and safety.
Who needs changing and why?
Imagine being married to such a person. A great definition of this common phrase.
Unfortunately there are many people in that situation.
I was married to one
a great reminder of what this is, what to look for.Thank you .
Dr. Phil once said being late all the time is like saying, ‘my life is more important than yours’
Very true.
If a person has a lot of responsibility, like kids and a lazy husband, then it is more important.
Thank you.
Yes yes 🙌🏻
Thank you Matthew 🙏🙏🙏
I've lived with a PA husband for 25 years. I doubt my own sanity, question every decision I "HAVE TO" make, and am exhausted with being responsible for everything.
Of course I have recognized, defined, set boundaries, gone to therapy and done everything recommended except the final step: getting out. I am afraid our only son is like him. Why wouldn't he be? All he sees is his weak, ineffectual dad sulking and victimized by his raging, angry mom.
At this point in my life, it seems impossible to change.
My husband is always late, and if we agree on getting something or doing something together, later after the fact its" well I only said so because you wanted it.
What about the “eye rollers” ?
Good point. Forgot about them.
Amen!❤️🔥🫶🇺🇸🧑🎤
Matthew, I'm wondering if you've thought of WHY people do this? In my case, it's because I'm not heard - I usually do this at work. Not as much the aggressive part, but the passive resentment part, definitely. When you use passive-aggressive to get what you want, it's because other methods aren't working! Mind you, I know some folks learned it from their parents and never tried to act differently with others, so they are definitely missing out on deeper relationships. I'm mostly fine at home, but there are times when I realize my spouse doesn't want to hear my line of reasoning as to why he should do something - sometimes you have to pick your battles. Then I just do it myself, trying not to resent that. There are so many times he has to pick up my slack, I try not to resent having to pick up his. I think keeping score is poison, really. But at work, the boss is so difficult to work with that EVERYONE avoids talking to him on certain subjects, and he can be out of touch and unwilling to hear that he is making a mountain out of a molehill. From what I've seen, most of us nod and say "sure boss" and then quietly do the least amount possible on the time-wasting request. It sounds awful, but if we do exactly what he tells us, we do end up wasting time and making the company look bad to our vendors and providers. Passive-Agressive is not at all a good way to interact with your spouse, but people don't come up with it because they're stupid or evil. It's a coping mechanism which works in some situations and much less well in others. Some folks know they're doing it, some don't. It's sort of a way of avoiding conflict, so I suspect abused and dominated people use it because they feel they have no other way to express themselves or get what they want. So I'm just thinking the first question should be "Why do they feel they need to use this tactic?"
I think passive aggressive people suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Look it up and you'll find similarities with Passive aggressiveness
Maybe it's not only on them . What about how few times a person asks for help even though they have been let down just to find that nothing has changed and they are still having no issue letting the person down even more . Yes it can be a bit angering.
Wish this was in written form rather than a video. Or maybe both?
The text is on my blog at MatthewKelly.com
Is aggressive - aggressive behavior better? I am probably guilty of PA behavior, but it can be better than outright anger and violence.
That’s why these folks wake up one day & have accomplished nothing in their lives . Especially when they hit retirement age.
Often, yes.
But sometimes if we are suffering from burn out becasue we take off and take on way more than we can do!’ So we have to step up and say no not today!!
This is what my bear clanneds and other clanners teach me!! 😘💯🫶🙏🏻💚😭🙌🏻🥰❤️🇺🇸🎼🎤🎵
Indeed. Great insight, thanks for sharing Myrna.