When I Was 14 - Poem by Dawn Saylor When I was 14, I got down on my knees because he said I would if I loved him. And what did I know then? when I first betrayed my body. Sold it for a kiss and a smile, taught to please at any cost, left the fight for independence in the backseats of cars. On stained leather interior dank with the smell of expectations, I traded integrity for security and called it love, leaving pieces of an empty shell falling behind, my mother patting my head and saying “What happened to that nice boy you were dating? ”. Well, I pushed memories farther down buried beneath piercing sunlight, dreamed my night would come to save and prayed scraping already skinned knees while I cried myself to sleep. So I bit the apple in confusion, abandoned my innocence beneath the tree of knowledge and became as bitter as the fruit I couldn’t refuse. Time and again, giving in, giving up, waiting, always wanting something more than pick-up lines, promising more than promiscuity, clothing myself in false hopes, enclosing my weariness in frail arms for years… Cars turning into bars with one lamp, and piles of discarded clothing, and I heard myself say “no” over and over. But he didn’t hear me, wouldn’t listen when he called me a “whore”, penned me down and took the only innocence I had left. And I was searching still for purity, lurking in hidden corners, hips swinging, lips pouting, trading in shattered innocence for bared and brazen offerings I learned how to control, and three years of vengeance passed while I was that woman despised. While they begged for plastic perfection found in the temptation inches from their faces I could feel the longing, the lies when they said “You’re so beautiful” And it wasn’t enough And so he loved music more than me, loved work more than me, loved money more than me, loved her more than me. And I loved him more than me. And I gave in to where I thought love hid; to the times I thought it was real. We give in to what men want, we paint ourselves with what we think are colors of rainbow, when we’re really cloaked in hips and lips, the brutal realities that leave us grasping tatters of the illusions of love and longing and the shattered threads of innocence. Until we wear our own colors and part the curtains we’ve draped over our mirrors in mourning and look ourselves in the eye, and say “With you I feel like Isis and I am beautiful”.
I'm so sorry that at 14, the guy you told "no" to didn't respect that. At 21, the guy I said "no" to last week surprisingly complied and settled for cuddling instead- which is a lot more intimate and romantic. It's mostly always the guy, not us who should be blamed
texasstains Sorry i know this I know this is late however your cooment is wrong. She wasn't raped at the age of 14 go back and read or listen to the poem again she gave up her innocence at 14. SHE SAYS " When I was 14, I got down on my knees because he said I would if I loved him. " In other words she gave him orale sex because she thought he would stay and because she "loved him". She wasn't raped until she got older when she realized that boys and then men where only calling for the sex she provided. "always wanting something more than pick-up lines, promising more than promiscuity, clothing myself in false hopes, enclosing my weariness in frail arms for years… Cars turning into bars with one lamp, and piles of discarded clothing, and I heard myself say “no” over and over. But he didn’t hear me, wouldn’t listen when he called me a “whore”, bringing me down and took the only innocence I had left." Her mother never gave her the proper self worth, never told her that her wasn't to be used and sometimes people say things to get what htey want, case in point "what about that nice boy you were dating". It comes down to this women and girls need to know what their worth is, they need to know that just because some one says if you love me than you'll do this isn't love but being used. Some parents out here are to afraid of speaking about sex to their children and so for a time it was in health class that we learned about sex or friends who are the exact same age and know little to nothing themselves. Don't teach boys not to rape, that is not a productive attiude at all. They already know its wrong, teach children how to speak up for themselves and how to defend themselves.
I love the "Hi my name is Becky" wave in the beginning!!!!! Got you all off guard, then she dropped some knowledge on you! Damn good poem, well done!!!!!
You may not remember me from Bar 13, but I remember you. We are the Preacher's Kids daughters who chose poetry to speak help give voice to our experiences. It's good to see you again, here, online. Keep doing what you're doing.
Teach your daughters where to draw the line and how to protect their borders. Dont be lazy and let them go out to find out the hard way.Empower them with knowledge.Teach them self respect,self preservation, even self defense if need be.
lora reedus In a perfect world of course we should.Unfortunately this isnt one and the reverse gets taught (boys are taught to use girls,girls are taught to put up with being used as items,just look at pop videos and that is the message). So Im suggesting you counter it by educating your daughters for their protection. Im no dreamer about what should be and what actually is the case and my daughter was never one to be messed with. She still holds that aura of fully owning her own space.A few have dared to try and step into her space uninvited and gone down hard much to the joy of her one boyfriend of 12 years.
Honeysucklebommie What ?? So you're saying let's just do things that way because that's the way it's always been done? I'm in high school the majority of boys i've heard speak about this subject joke about rape and say you should like knock her out or something. It's disgusting. Most boys know rape is bad, but plenty of them don't understand what is considered rape. You have to be some sort of psychotic crazy person to grab someone and sexual assault them while they tell you to stop. But it's not uncommon to slip something in someone's drink and wait until their knocked out or just wait until they're drunk enough.
You really need to learn how to read in context. Im on your side . What Im saying is advertising and social media are teaching you girls to be sub servant to males wants;just look around you ,listen the lyrics they are sneaking into your tunes, watch all the video clips of girls rubbing their asses over men in clubs this is teaching both male and females. Im saying parents need to teach girls to have boundaries drawn around them. Also stop putting words into my mouth and second guessing my intentions and yes if you need to slap some male away down one day it may save your life,but learn how to do it properly.For the record (this should go without saying) but seeing you questioned my intentions by thinking the total reverse:parents also need to teach young males how to respect young females but you know what,Im not holding my breath on that one.
Wow talk about a talented poet. It's harsh and deep, holds NOTHING BACK and takes you with her on a journey only poet would understand ...even more so if it's NOT a true story! *FIVE STARS* The ending the best!!! BRAVO!
Even though not with a boyfriend but... Happened when I was 8 years old... Still can't forgive that to myself. Its amazing that she os capable of talking about it so openly...
I cried... Right before my 16th bday was when I entered an all-around abusive, 2and-a-half-year, relationship. I'm 18 and a half now. Still just a baby, I know what it means to trade every piece of self worth for security. Some days, I regret everything, and just want to erase it all. Other days I'm happy... The nightmare is over and I've LEARNED. Doesn't mean that remembering it won't burn and singe me even after a lifetime more of experiences, but I can handle it even if I shed a few tears.
I originally came across this in 2011....and Again I share this..... I might be "BE Love" on Facebook now.....but just like anyone who's been to the very bottom and had to face themselves, without anyone to 'rescue' them and without trying to maintain some bullshit persona or delve into some bullshit religion, drug or outlet of escapism..... yep to experience the very core of my own rock fucking bottom....so.... we can wallow in the muck and mire of our own self hatred and loathing for as long as we choose or we can decide to choose another way....and my way..... which is only for me.... is where I Am now.... No one spiritual path will be exactly the same for any one else and the whole point is to be true to yourself, to discover who you truly are behind or beyond all the bullshit you pick up along the way.... it's your perfect path...and darkness is just a glorious as light... I respect another's path...and I don't try to tell anyone how to be or experience their own path to authenticity. What I give to others, is what I give to myself. So it's all about non-judgement and respect..... Why I share this?..... because it's almost my story too....and it's her raw expression of her truth and experience..... how fucking perfect is that? We eventually become Self Aware and responsible and no longer play the 'victim' role and become Self Empowered and grateful for the 'path of suffering' that burns off all the bullshit pretenses.
Now, at fifty-five, its only in the last year or so that I've had the courage to part that curtain ... to see myself clearly, to assess the paths that led here, rather than where I thought I'd be. Venerable old age is not so far away now, and places to turn back to the intended pathway are scarce, at best. And there comes at this age the realization that the real journey is only beginning ... the journey to accept what I've done, whom I've become ... and keep on walking.
"I traded integrity for security and called it love"
When I Was 14 - Poem by Dawn Saylor
When I was 14, I got down on my knees because he said I would
if I loved him.
And what did I know then?
when I first betrayed my body.
Sold it for a kiss and a smile,
taught to please at any cost,
left the fight for independence in the backseats of cars.
On stained leather interior dank with the smell of expectations,
I traded integrity for security and called it love, leaving
pieces of an empty shell falling behind,
my mother patting my head and saying
“What happened to that nice boy you were dating? ”.
Well, I pushed memories farther down
buried beneath piercing sunlight,
dreamed my night would come to save
and prayed
scraping already skinned knees
while I cried myself to sleep.
So I bit the apple in confusion,
abandoned my innocence
beneath the tree of knowledge
and became as bitter as the fruit
I couldn’t refuse.
Time and again,
giving in,
giving up,
waiting,
always wanting something more than pick-up lines,
promising more than promiscuity,
clothing myself in false hopes,
enclosing my weariness in frail arms for years… Cars turning into bars with one lamp,
and piles of discarded clothing,
and I heard myself say “no” over and over.
But he didn’t hear me,
wouldn’t listen when he called me a “whore”, penned me down and took the only innocence I had left.
And I was searching still for purity,
lurking in hidden corners,
hips swinging, lips pouting,
trading in shattered innocence
for bared and brazen offerings
I learned how to control,
and three years of vengeance passed
while I was that woman despised.
While they begged for plastic perfection
found in the temptation inches from their faces I
could feel the longing,
the lies when they said “You’re so beautiful”
And it wasn’t enough
And so he loved music more than me,
loved work more than me,
loved money more than me,
loved her more than me.
And I loved him more than me.
And I gave in
to where I thought love hid;
to the times I thought it was real.
We give in to what men want,
we paint ourselves with what we think are colors of rainbow,
when we’re really cloaked in hips and lips,
the brutal realities that leave us grasping
tatters of the illusions of love and longing
and the shattered threads of innocence.
Until we wear our own colors
and part the curtains we’ve draped over our mirrors in mourning
and look ourselves in the eye, and say
“With you I feel like Isis and I am beautiful”.
he loved music more than me, he loved work more than me, he loved her more than me, and I love him more than me...
"I traded integrity for security and called it 'love'" .... Beautiful.
Such an important poem. Loving this for years.
...I needed this when I was 14
I'm so sorry that at 14, the guy you told "no" to didn't respect that. At 21, the guy I said "no" to last week surprisingly complied and settled for cuddling instead- which is a lot more intimate and romantic. It's mostly always the guy, not us who should be blamed
teaxstains no its women tooo for being too well ya know
......
+33X 33X are you avoiding saying it because you already know you're wrong or...................
texasstains Sorry i know this I know this is late however your cooment is wrong. She wasn't raped at the age of 14 go back and read or listen to the poem again she gave up her innocence at 14. SHE SAYS " When I was 14, I got down on my knees because he said I would
if I loved him. " In other words she gave him orale sex because she thought he would stay and because she "loved him". She wasn't raped until she got older when she realized that boys and then men where only calling for the sex she provided. "always wanting something more than pick-up lines,
promising more than promiscuity,
clothing myself in false hopes,
enclosing my weariness in frail arms for years… Cars turning into bars with one lamp,
and piles of discarded clothing,
and I heard myself say “no” over and over.
But he didn’t hear me,
wouldn’t listen when he called me a “whore”, bringing me down and took the only innocence I had left." Her mother never gave her the proper self worth, never told her that her wasn't to be used and sometimes people say things to get what htey want, case in point "what about that nice boy you were dating".
It comes down to this women and girls need to know what their worth is, they need to know that just because some one says if you love me than you'll do this isn't love but being used. Some parents out here are to afraid of speaking about sex to their children and so for a time it was in health class that we learned about sex or friends who are the exact same age and know little to nothing themselves. Don't teach boys not to rape, that is not a productive attiude at all. They already know its wrong, teach children how to speak up for themselves and how to defend themselves.
Innocence and purity can only last for so long when you are faced with corruption on a daily basis...wow great poem
Literally sobbing at this
I have never related to words so much in my entire life jesus christ I am in awe
she looks like cara delevigne and amazing poem
thank you!
I love her voice so beautiful
I love the "Hi my name is Becky" wave in the beginning!!!!! Got you all off guard, then she dropped some knowledge on you! Damn good poem, well done!!!!!
I love her passion and emotion in this
this is perfect
You may not remember me from Bar 13, but I remember you. We are the Preacher's Kids daughters who chose poetry to speak help give voice to our experiences. It's good to see you again, here, online. Keep doing what you're doing.
Man she's such a word smith.
Loved this very much.
Wow, this is absolutely brilliant. Way too real for me.
so inspiring & amazing.
Beautiful voices make beautiful poetry. Beautiful poetry makes beautiful voices 3
My heart and soule is crying. The importance of a good, real father figure. 🙏🏾🙏🏾
I love the crescendo in her voice it adds this grippingness to the story.
speechless. beautiful. just beautiful.
Beautiful
I saw this when I was 14. Im 24 now and till this day I know this peom word for word
And you still do at 31. It's ridiculous how much this still means to me. I'll never forget it.
every time i watch this, i get chills all over.
She is beautiful! I can't stop listening to it over and over again.
I want her to continue with this poem forever! It is soo beautiful
Teach your daughters where to draw the line and how to protect their borders.
Dont be lazy and let them go out to find out the hard way.Empower them with knowledge.Teach them self respect,self preservation, even self defense if need be.
Honeysucklebommie how about we teach men not to rape and hurt girls
lora reedus How about we educate both genders about the dangers of rape
lora reedus In a perfect world of course we should.Unfortunately this isnt one and the reverse gets taught (boys are taught to use girls,girls are taught to put up with being used as items,just look at pop videos and that is the message). So Im suggesting you counter it by educating your daughters for their protection. Im no dreamer about what should be and what actually is the case and my daughter was never one to be messed with. She still holds that aura of fully owning her own space.A few have dared to try and step into her space uninvited and gone down hard much to the joy of her one boyfriend of 12 years.
Honeysucklebommie What ?? So you're saying let's just do things that way because that's the way it's always been done? I'm in high school the majority of boys i've heard speak about this subject joke about rape and say you should like knock her out or something. It's disgusting. Most boys know rape is bad, but plenty of them don't understand what is considered rape. You have to be some sort of psychotic crazy person to grab someone and sexual assault them while they tell you to stop. But it's not uncommon to slip something in someone's drink and wait until their knocked out or just wait until they're drunk enough.
You really need to learn how to read in context. Im on your side . What Im saying is advertising and social media are teaching you girls to be sub servant to males wants;just look around you ,listen the lyrics they are sneaking into your tunes, watch all the video clips of girls rubbing their asses over men in clubs this is teaching both male and females. Im saying parents need to teach girls to have boundaries drawn around them. Also stop putting words into my mouth and second guessing my intentions and yes if you need to slap some male away down one day it may save your life,but learn how to do it properly.For the record (this should go without saying) but seeing you questioned my intentions by thinking the total reverse:parents also need to teach young males how to respect young females but you know what,Im not holding my breath on that one.
wow... shivers... the end of that got so real for me.
@Paul Ruckdeschel I think by Isis she is referring to the ancient egyptian goddess
Thank you! I was so confused by what Isis meant.
Wow talk about a talented poet. It's harsh and deep, holds NOTHING BACK and takes you with her on a journey only poet would understand ...even more so if it's NOT a true story! *FIVE STARS* The ending the best!!! BRAVO!
this is one of the original poems that inspired me to start writing slam poetry ... it gives me the chills every time
good god the goosebumps from this.
I have chills.
shes....amazing.
Beautiful, simply beautiful.
Gave me chills.
Holy shit.........
No words
WOW WOW WOW...THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!
Wow this brought me to tears so good so real and raw
I have major goosebumps, so wonderful.
Even though not with a boyfriend but... Happened when I was 8 years old... Still can't forgive that to myself. Its amazing that she os capable of talking about it so openly...
heartbreakingly good.
I write, and I strive for this
She is so young to possess such old wisdom.
Wow. Absolutely beautiful.
In ten years, we're all gonna be that much better just from living, practicing, writing.
This hit me so hard.
She has such a pretty voice.
Ars Poetica! ,I love it### Powerful
That was so deep and just beautiful
One of the best I've seen so far
she's beautiful..
Dawn Saylor! Great!
This is so touching, I tried not to cry.... but this is too powerful.
This poem is greatness
This is lovely
I don't like this, I love this!
That was beautiful.
chilllllsss omg, so talented.
This spoke to me.
I cried... Right before my 16th bday was when I entered an all-around abusive, 2and-a-half-year, relationship. I'm 18 and a half now. Still just a baby, I know what it means to trade every piece of self worth for security. Some days, I regret everything, and just want to erase it all. Other days I'm happy... The nightmare is over and I've LEARNED. Doesn't mean that remembering it won't burn and singe me even after a lifetime more of experiences, but I can handle it even if I shed a few tears.
That was emotional.
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was amazing. I wish I had great spoken word like this
powerful. and your voice is truly beautiful.
i cried.
Amazing, truly inspiring. Wow thumbs up all the way. Great job
This is so inspiring!
i felt this
Really sad that we have to experience all that before we realize how truly beautiful we are....:(
This is fucking amazing.
You go girl, and you don't stop for no one.
Amazing
Inspiring. truly inspiring.
Wow, I wasn't prepared for that.
Thank you for explaining that.
"So He love music more than me, loved work more than me, loved money more than me, loved her more than me and I loved him more than me"
Deep
I originally came across this in 2011....and Again I share this.....
I might be "BE Love" on Facebook now.....but just like anyone who's been to the very bottom and had to face themselves, without anyone to 'rescue' them and without trying to maintain some bullshit persona or delve into some bullshit religion, drug or outlet of escapism..... yep to experience the very core of my own rock fucking bottom....so....
we can wallow in the muck and mire of our own self hatred and loathing for as long as we choose or we can decide to choose another way....and my way..... which is only for me.... is where I Am now....
No one spiritual path will be exactly the same for any one else and the whole point is to be true to yourself, to discover who you truly are behind or beyond all the bullshit you pick up along the way.... it's your perfect path...and darkness is just a glorious as light...
I respect another's path...and I don't try to tell anyone how to be or experience their own path to authenticity.
What I give to others, is what I give to myself. So it's all about non-judgement and respect.....
Why I share this?..... because it's almost my story too....and it's her raw expression of her truth and experience..... how fucking perfect is that?
We eventually become Self Aware and responsible and no longer play the 'victim' role and become Self Empowered and grateful for the 'path of suffering' that burns off all the bullshit pretenses.
So true i wish every woman colud see this and realize we are beautiful
Love this!
Deep.
Breathtaking! :D
AMAZING!!!!
Now, at fifty-five, its only in the last year or so that I've had the courage to part that curtain ... to see myself clearly, to assess the paths that led here, rather than where I thought I'd be. Venerable old age is not so far away now, and places to turn back to the intended pathway are scarce, at best. And there comes at this age the realization that the real journey is only beginning ... the journey to accept what I've done, whom I've become ... and keep on walking.
powerful. when I was 14 I was in a pretty terrible mentally abusive relationship.. I gave my virginity to him and this really spoke to me. thank you.
Awesome
Amen!
Holy ish..
I do relate to some parts of this because when I was 14...my innocence was stolen from me.
powerful
this pretty much explains everything
Bravo.
AMEN!
She wasn't selling her body for security, she was seeking comfort and, in order to obtain and retain that comfort, let him do as he pleased.
I second that. Ignorance is a terrible disease.
i love her raspy voice
Iol I was slow I had to keep up and I did as she delivered it with respect!
That...was deep
Every teenage girl in the world needs to hear this.