Great discussion. I (ENFJ) found it interesting that the topic of sarcasm came up. My INFP mother uses it quite often in her humor and I tend to not offer it back to her in the interaction. She'll tend to think I've missed the sarcasm, but I haven't - my personal mode of communication just tends to be very earnest. I will sometimes use sarcasm in situations where no one present will be hurt by it, but my priority in communication is to be understood and not to ridicule in any way. Sometimes a sarcastic response will just stay in my head as a thought and not be spoken.
I had the same reaction. I think, the point is that we don't understand sarcasm when it is used in a wrong situation. For example, when there is a conversation about a deep topic and somebody uses it as a protection from getting vulnerable. Or in a case when we are not in a rapport with the person who uses it. In other cases we thrive from sarcasm. :-D At least I do. :-D
really? for me while i do use sarcasm from time to time, when it's used on me im completely dumbfounded and locked in this loop of thinking about why they did such statement. are they serious? are they joking? what prompted them to make a joke about that? if it's not a joke, should i be grateful for being observant of me? if it's a joke, maybe it says more about them more than me?- these questions flood my mind within seconds because i want to figure out this interaction and this person im engaging with. and most of the time i just end up following my ooga booga brain, act literal, and take it as a complement, and return a genuine and positive comment about them instead.
@@CyAA-ri2us I'll be honest. I got assessed by an MBTI practioner and it turns out I am an INFJ, so this might be why I felt my experience was different :)
I tend to interrupt someone taking sometimes, and finish the sentence, it’s because I am overly excited and it just comes out of me. I try to control it, but that doesn’t always happen. I do apologize. As an ENFJ I really appreciate this video. I have grown a lot since my 20s. A meditation practice and a practice of checking in with myself about my wants and needs has really helped me to stop people pleasing.
SARCASM is not confusing to ENFJs. We can read people really well and sarcasm is second nature. I have to even be careful not to be too sarcastic with people who don’t know me thanks to many others not getting it. Great video, you two! Keep up the good work.
Hey, just a reminder that we're not all the same and you can't speak for everyone :D ENFJs who are neurodivergent, like myself, have a hard time picking up on social cues *while being incredibly good at picking up on behaviour patterns and analyzing it* because we had to learn it in order to survive in the neurotypical social spaces. :)
Understanding people is my hobby and love language! I like to watch police interrogations with body language analysis. I'm probably a walking lie detector at this point, haha :) As far as sarcasm goes - I enjoy it when it's comedic, but when someone uses it to convey something they are serious about, it rubs me the wrong way and I find that person to be rather negative. I will usually ignore it - which may come off like I didn't understand what they were saying. I've definitely let bad relationships run too long in my life, and been unable to appropriately set boundaries with people, so the relationship inevitably ends in a way similar to an INFJ "door slam". Thank you for the insights!!
I feel exposed from this. You’re exactly correct on every point. I don’t think anyone realised that I don’t get sarcasm at all, because I cover that up really effectively. So well done noticing that! I’ll add to what you’ve said too. People don’t realise that beneath the social behaviour and future planning and high energy of the ENFJ we are actually extremely fact driven and can relate well to INTJ in the way that logic and fact is sought and processed. Can’t stand opinion (I’d never show that in a conversation with you) and can’t stand gossip, because these things have no fact and they also create disharmony. When there’s social disharmony that I can’t fix it’s highly distressing, and I’ll go into Ti completely and fact collect, research, only peer reviewed data. I will then switch from the mediator and peacemaker to the fact machine and tell someone they’re completely wrong, show them the evidence and they’ll take it hard, and this is how I lose friends. The switch to logic seems really out of character to people who have only seen the tender, caring, giving and conforming side of me. But there comes a point when the delusion of their opinions are too divisive within the group or community and are creating too much disharmony to remain unchallenged. We struggle enforcing boundaries but highly respect yours, we are people pleasers, we have no real sense of self so we’re chameleons. We alter our identity in the moment primarily based on your feelings and needs. We can be your carer, your counselling service, your personal planner, your fact finder, your mediator, or your entertainment, and feel very confused later about our own boundaries we completely ignored to please you and question who we really are, it’s a lot more of a problem for us than others realise. We will be there for and try to help the weak, damaged and even the real bad guys, always seeing the best or the potential in them, which looks like a nice trait but the downside is that we do get abused or end up in toxic or dangerous situations at times, and waste that energy and effort that we should be putting into people who love and care for us. These issues iron themselves out with age though. But this is the downside of this combination of traits/functions.
This was very insightful, thank you for sharing this. ENFJ - a social chameleon and the saviour of oppressed people. Only a socially young person won’t pick up sarcasm. Yes we bend ourselves to build rapport with others but our core values cannot be broken and we put you in place not matter who you are. Only exception is if we will safe others by compromising this. ENFJs need to be more selfish, take alone time to identify and analyse yourself, your goals, needs and work on achieving them. Save yourself before saving the world.
ENFJ here, great video i have one pointer to say of course take this with a grain of salt or dont but i personally know and feel you both weren’t very well versed nor really super knowledgeable this is more of a jist type of thing that can fall into general aspects. either way yall did amazing !
I'm an ENFJ and yes, I'm a chameleon and a different person with different people but it's not something that fustrates me... the fact is that I see others as possibilities to experiment with myself, to learn new things, even those ones I wouldn't be attracted to in a first place and, fundamentally, I'm not deeply interested in anyone (other than family, boyfriend and maybe 1-2 friends). OK, I always have the task to make others comfortable and be seen, but I'm not emotionally invested...it is something more about Justice than Emotion. I'm completely ok alone and the others are for me threats to contain, to leave me free to take care of my inner world, my interests, etc. it's true that i don't have a "project" or vision about me, but because i don't take myself so seriously and i want to learn as much as possible. Even at the career level, I have changed career several times, questioning myself, learning new things, taking more degrees and PhDs, but not to make a career "vertically", but to experiment and become "wider" and wiser. And the "anger" thing: PERFECT! Even the sarcasm one: I really think tha sarcasm is the result of aggression + arrogance + stupidity, and I love clarity and distinction, not ambiguities potentially painful for third parties.
Don't stress too much. Alot of ENFJ's do miss sarcasm when they're healthy actually. It's when ENFJ's are in a FeSe loop they become hypersensitive and notice pretty much everything and become defensive.
Alexis you are a great speaker, thank you for this 😀 Garrett's comments about lack of long term vision because of Extraverted Sensing also really resonated with me, and brought me straight back to a time when I was doing exactly that! Keep the content coming :)
I absolutely love this video. As an ENFJ I will say at first I was scared to watch it when I saw the title cus I was like "oh no I don't know if I wanna notice these things about myself" but the way you went about this is so respectfully done, elegant and really smart. Keep up the great work! I think it's also interesting seeing how many people commented on the sarcasm part, and seemingly took that almost like an attack. I didn't, personally. But I definitely think with unhealthy ENFJ's they can take little things they perceive as criticisms really badly and then react impulsively by trying to control the situation in some way shape or form, including commenting on this video trying to defend themselves lol. So maybe that's just something they can work on in and of themselves is realizing that they only have control over themselves and their opinions, and that (especially if they're stuck in a FeSe loop) not everything is meant to be taken to heart.
Just watched your INFP video that came out today & thought I better listen to the ENFJ (me) again. My husband is an INFP & I was thinking, I wonder how many INFPs will take their video in a non personal way to be able to achieve their dreams. Then I thought, well I better reassess my own accountability in self growth too. And..... Realized here I am always self analyzing myself and again never giving myself any recognition for the kindness, love, and energy I show upon so many and not myself. I need to love myself but it just feels so foreign to me or overly egocentric. But I don't take very good care of my health and because I spend so much time and energy doing things for others, I have nothing left for me and at the end of the day I can tend to feel a little resentful. Which is ripe for codependency and manipulative behaviors in ENFJ to use what good deeds I've done as guilting another. I hate it but I am guilty of this. Not consciously doing it, so at least if I'm aware of this toxicity within me I can catch it. All I wish is that people would care about others more. There's too much rage in the world, too little service to others, no one allows for other people to be having a bad day anymore, but instead everything is a fight and taken personally. My son (16) is an ESTP, so his spouting out shocking Trump supportisms with myself being about community and my husband (his stepdad) being an INFP is an intersting dynamic & his real dad is an INTP. I have had substance abuse problems, am sober from substances now, but I feel I am addicted to other things non substance that most wouldn't ever consider a problem. But it means I'm still trying to numb or distract myself from something painful or emotionally overwhelming. I can be super sarcastic. My dad is an ISTJ and him and I love to go back and forth in sarcastic banter. My mom is an ESTJ and she's just mean. Her and I have a strained relationship. I have a hard time understanding her mindset. And always being criticized and never being able to make her proud growing up effected my self esteem greatly. If something isnt done her way, it's wrong, period. Hmmm. My dad says there's more than one way to skin a cat. He used to tell me also that, 'life's not fair, get used to it,' and honestly that tongue and cheek saying has helped me more in life than anything else. Just knowing when to let go, to focus on self care, bc i can't be a martyr for humankind. Well with that horrifically long rant, I'm off to try to do self lovey things today. Now, what does that even look like??? ... clueless... Thanks for all your videos btw.
(Note sure if you will even grasp what i will be saying or taking it to heart, if you do you will grow , if you don't you remain..live is that simple ) You see i think its just your empath speaking and its not balanced.. You coming from the point imo that people should care more about others... But that is a wrong starting point to begin with.. People should care more about themselves first then they can care about others..is the healthy starting point. You don't put others ahead of you..there is nothing noble about that in fact..its pretty self defeating aspect. Its not a good quality//it just mask itself as 'Good' but it has far more 'dangerous' consequences on long run and therefore hard to notice. Many things sprout from that *feeling alone *feeling used *resentful *fluctuating self esteem etc IF people make themselves strong and then they have a weak point..Its GOOD to help But if People refuse to make themselves strong , and you keep helping them...YOU JUST ENABLING THEM to remain 'weak'. You think people can grow stronger when always live in their SAFE zone? You think people can gain more confidence if they never step outside their comfort zone? You might be thinking you are doing good...but sometimes you are just blocking people from actually realizing their full potential...like a over protective mother/father. You paralyzing people growth. That's why you start from the notion..you only help those or invest in those that actually do the work themselves.. All the rest can live in their desperate 'momentum'..but its not our task to keep them out..ITS THEIR OWN TASK, THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITY. Thats what HEALTHY relationships are about.. Keep yourself out of trouble by having BOUNDARIES, so that you CAN PROTECT others from having TROUBLE. thats just my 2 cents. I'm INTP..so its coming from my dominant TI which is your inferior..take it for whats its worth :) And its good to help people!! But not at the cost of your own 'sanity' because when you collapse..who is going to help you?? The weak people you tried to pull out the pit?
As an ENFJ-T, I can tell you that I used to be highly sarcastic. I was told once that I have a smart mouth. That really stung. ENFJs are quick witted and know just how to cut to the quick. After I became a Christian, God helped me in that area. Much of it was a defense mechanism from a troubled childhood.
I am an ENFJ and I do agree with the Extraverted Feeling annoyances. I still have faults within that realm and can be a hypocrite at times. But, I love how eventually I learned that you don't need to rescue people, or, put yourself down to "save" someone. It is nice to help but it's best to lend a ladder to someone in the ditch rather than jump in with them. (my sister who is an INFJ does this A LOT and it KILLS ME but also humbles me cause I relate badly! To that fault! ) . So Enfjs, take care of yourself if the person doesn't want to get out of the ditch and learn from their own mistakes despite your help. Leave them be because people are smarter than your unintentional "savior complex" is saying. I know you mean well but it doesn't hurt to be "selfish" it might seem more selfless than you think when you look after yourself too. Again, im not saying we have a god complex or we are selfish when trying to genuinely, be selfless but they do say you can't love others if you don't yourself. Part of giving your love to the world means regardless of how you feel or who you feel responsible for. Do your damn hardest to watch your own back. Also some people are just not grateful no matter how hard you work for them. You actually earn more respect when you give people independence and faith in them. Help but don't be a carpet.
I'm a 68 yr old Australian ENFJ who has lived and worked in NYC, London and Hong Kong. Americans confuse sarcasm and irony. What we in the rest of the English speaking world call irony, Americans lump all together as sarcasm. Sarcasm and irony are similar but very different. Sarcasm is negative and meant to be insulting but irony is saying the opposite of what you mean as a joke. I'm well known for my use of ironic one-liners that have people in fits of laughter.
ENFJ-A here. I am often viewed as not understanding sarcasm, but I am from the Northeast and sarcasm is used in a way that seems quite rude, so I just don't acknowledge it - ignoring bad behavior, I guess. I also believe in letting people fall on their on sword
Your videos are helping me so incredibly much. I’ve been wondering for years if I was bipolar or some other form of disorder. I now know through your videos that I am just a dysfunctional ENFJ. I also understand now after 10 years of playing music and quitting about five years ago why I can’t play music as a business. I started playing music right after I had my only child as a way to deal with pretty bad postpartum. The music is my introspection. And if I try and do the music in that extroverted manor, it loses all its medicinal qualities and I just people please. I become a squirrel trying to get a nut drowning in everyone else’s lives. Seriously thank you. 🖖🤘♥️
Good evaluation of us ENFJ's. I think all of us need to learn how to work with or balance group and individual needs. I had a boss that really taught me that. I don't think any of us are passive aggressive, but you were accurate about we let things slide until we just can't anymore.
This was really helpful! I really struggled at my last position because everyone thought I agreed with them and thought like them even though I didn’t because I genuinely understood how they think and affirmed them. when around them I would even question if they were right. If it stayed with me in my thoughts after I knew it was wrong to me. People would vote for me to represent them etc and when they discovered I didn’t really think like them it caused issues for me. Even though I am very good at being in-tune with people, I find working with people to be emotionally challenging because it’s a lot to take in as people can be very toxic.
I also had a teacher throw a chair !! xD I really see that frustrated anger in Ni/Fe people. The one I know is sober because he knows that alcoholic problems run in his family. Like he understood as a teenager that he shouldn't even start drinking because of what it could lead to down the line. Very responsible. And very Ni focused (I don't know if he is INFJ or ENFJ). So that's really interesting that you brought that up.
Not gonna lie....it took me a VERY VERY VERY long time to understand sarcasm and what it was so I 100% agree with the sarcasm comment. I've never heard it before but yh, sarcasm goes over my head. Lol
Hey, another ENFJ here :D Not understanding sarcasm? All the time (might be also because I have ADHD though... :D). I tend to take a LOT of things too seriously and immediately begin looking for solutions for the thing I presume is a problem until someone stops me all weirded out like "Hey, nobody asked? I don't want to change my behaviour? I don't care about this? It's just a funny thing, calm down." I've learned to stop and think about (and usually ask) whether the person wants my help or simply to share their own ideas or views. But you have no idea how painful it is to know that there's something that could be made better and *I can't*. Also, not taking care of themselves? Big mood. All the time, unfortunately. :D (Immediately started explaining the possibilities of why that is because of my background until I realized nobody probably cares... Yeah, I tend to forget not everyone wants to know absolutely everything about everyone.)
@@braxtonmills1235 Well, I appreciate that but 1. How old are you exactly?, 2. Are you sure you're an ENFJ?, 3. Friendships aren't randomly developed with people in youtube comments :D
I'm an ENFJ and i have a work colleague who is likely one as well and he sucks up to the boss so much it's sickening and to make things worse he's not very good at his job so he is rather disliked! If I was to talk about some of the biggest ENFJ struggles they would be: with Ti because we feel clever until we meet a Ti dom then we feel stupid because we probably haven't thought things through as much as we thought we had, Si is a real headache for us! We find being methodical rather boring so we'd rather skip to the answer, I admit I get very frustrated with Si doms. Fi can also be quite an issue because Fe users need to 'feed off' Fi. I remember friends of mine expressing their opinion about people and was like a foreign language to me, I didn't evaluate people and things that way and learning from the wrong source could be a real problem for an Fe dom I think.
I think in the use of Fe that it's more conflict avoidance or not wanting to hurt someone's feelings as to the why they affirm rather than disagree. This creates an assumption that they are on the same side or have the same beliefs but I don't think it's intentional as a way of being disingenuous but rather avoiding a debate which is draining.
As an ENFJ that was seriously mentally unhealthy at different points in time, it is especially difficult to question the empathy for others going through difficulties. There were times when I felt all I needed was support and understanding through my difficulties and when there was someone there, it did make all the difference. I am much healthier in all sorts of ways, especially boundary setting. And I can be more acutely aware of how catering to the ‘weakest’ can hurt others, however, I can’t say that people like me aren’t entirely unnecessary in a world filled with people that prefer to just get on with it, leaving others behind
The sarcasm one kinda threw me, lol. I often find a lot of other people around me don't pick up on it when it's glaringly obvious to me. I also found it interesting about the anger and "no boundaries" thing. I can see why or how those things might seem out of the blue or unfair. For me, I'm just waiting for people to do the right thing. It pisses me off that I have "parent" adults (or just people who should know better) into doing that they're supposed to do. So I wait for them to do it. I drop hints for them to do it. I ultimately realize they really just don't care to do the right thing or hear me when I remind them, and it pisses me off more. So, now I'm snapping at people to get it together. Now that I'm older I'm better about calling things out before they reach that point, but it irritates me that I have to. (Though I'm not flipping chairs.) Overall, though, most of these things were temporary problems when I was younger. I didn't really come into my ENFJ-ness until I was an adult. (I was terribly introverted before, due to a lot of bullying and emotional abuse). I think a lot of that background made it so that I have to "read the room" all the time and evaluate the creature I'm about to interact with. It's not so much about false affirmations as it is picking my battles. And I often really do see their perspective and don't think it's worth it to disabuse them of their beliefs in that moment. I actually think it's on them to dig for what I think if they really cared to, and maybe realize that some people are more complex. That being said, I don't shy away from disagreements like I used to when I was in a darker place. I actually laughed when it came to having multiple reasons for a "no" to something (that an ENFJ doesn't want to do). I don't think this is exclusive to ENFJs (?), but sometimes, when something is suggested, there is a literal onslaught of subtextual problems and logistical headaches that the suggestion causes me that I can't even verbalize it. So I toss out the first one that makes it to the top of the pile. And just the thought of having to put energy into thinking MORE about why there are SO many issues with the suggestion is bothersome and I don't even want to deal with it. So if pressed, I'll say the next obstacle that bothers me (probably in a jumbled way) and the next and the next. So it sounds like a lot of excuses, but really, it's the totality of those things that hit me all at once and are annoying to have to even express. Anyways, I see why and how a lot of these conclusions are reached (this is not just the agreeable, affirming ENFJ in me, lol). Again, I absolutely saw bits of this in me when I was younger and less equipped to reflect on these things. That being said, this gives me something to think about and reflect on going forward. I'll be honest, these days I am alone all day (writer). The idea of being around people as a giver became exhausting in my 30s and I cut back on it when I had a child who really DID need me. I feel really selfish because of it. But I also don't feel as stressed.
Also, your point about the teacher . As an ENFJ that’s why we don’t set boundaries or correct because even though people are responsible for their own behavior such as yo unsaid being in time it’s still the enfj fault for communicating it late. But I didn’t hear you include in the end people in a college course know to be on time and if you were one of those people apply it and take responsibility for it
Is it werid that as a ENFJ i am saying i am glad your saying what you dislike about us constructively and i am glad there are things you dislike about us? I mean no one is prefect your gonna dislike something in someone. Though, I guess the way it is said is good for self reflection aka something we are not awesome at. Ty.
i appreciate your definition of Fe. I think it kind of shows the flaw with this psych theory. because everyone kind of sees Fe as being concerned about what other people are feeling. which is how it feels, as an xNFJ. But if we are so overly aware of what other people are feeling, wouldn't that mean that we introvert feelings? Wouldn't that mean we take in the "feeling" information from other people??
no, because Fi (introverted felling ) is associated with understanding your own emotions whereas Fe (extraverted felling) is concerned with others emotions. they're different because Fi is focused on one's desires whereas Fe is concerned on social harmony. -intp I do get annoyed when you guys don't seem genuine and are just trying to please people, but when you guys are genuine It feels like one of the best things. Id rather you guys disagree with me when you do so I'm aware of what you guys genuinely feel, I can't read peepole like you guys
God all of this felt a bit too close haha. The sarcasm thing, I definitely understand sarcasm and use it as well, but for whatever reason part of me takes it literally and that responds first too, before the part of me that comes up with a quick joke can get it out.
The title called me out, and I'm watching this- Know what! No. You have your opinions. 7:30±1:00 I understand that. 8:45 I used to. Now, I use the ULTIMATUM. 12:30-15:00. We're basically psychics. Same with INFJs. 16:30 PUT DOWN THOSE DRINKS!!! Love the video! It's very true and informative! ~ENFJ
Sarcasm is my 2nd language 😂 ENFJ here❤ Since i read people really well...i can feel they're being sarcastic...my husband being a ISFJ doesnt always catch it
Finishing others sentences, 🤔 I would expand on that and have noted they are quick to jump to conclusions and speak for others based on their own feelings yet this is part of their diplomatic nature
What would you say the biggest reason for them to not say what is bothering them but rather vanish or ghost? I just find it confusing since they love people and are good at getting closer but when they turn back it is just all of a sudden… since there is no hint
I’m and ENFJ and i’m confused by your last point about the 50/50 so basically your asking us to go against what you told us is a growth point. Why not state that you will lead the conversation but don’t feel like you have to care for the person in that moment and that it’s okay to just be responsible for ourselves. It did seem like you lead with your make up so please share that and make that point clear.
Lot of ENFJs I know are nice but not the teddy bears, let's all be in harmony many seem to describe. I think not many have met a real ENFJ. They like to be with people and among the group and can understand people well enough intuitively to know how to manage them by using emotions in whatever way necessary to produce a certain effect. Not taking care of body? Say whaaat? Most like being around people, why would an enfj not take care of their body. I can't imagine. Im extremely sarcastic..
Great discussion. I (ENFJ) found it interesting that the topic of sarcasm came up. My INFP mother uses it quite often in her humor and I tend to not offer it back to her in the interaction. She'll tend to think I've missed the sarcasm, but I haven't - my personal mode of communication just tends to be very earnest. I will sometimes use sarcasm in situations where no one present will be hurt by it, but my priority in communication is to be understood and not to ridicule in any way. Sometimes a sarcastic response will just stay in my head as a thought and not be spoken.
My god thank you. My friends think I don‘t get sarcasm the thing is that I just don‘t want to when it‘s hurting me or other people
@@Indrameiller Hey how are you doing how's the ENFJ life going ;
totally relatable ☺️ - fellow ENFJ
@@fancyflamingo Hows life going Faye Miss Fellow ENFJ ;; ::
as istp.. incorrectly finishing sentences or incorrectly intuiting... my friend who is clearly an enfj does this all the time... super annoying
as an ENFJ, I disagree with the sarcasm point. I use sarcasm all the time for comic effect, so I wouldn't agree. love your videos!!
I had the same reaction. I think, the point is that we don't understand sarcasm when it is used in a wrong situation. For example, when there is a conversation about a deep topic and somebody uses it as a protection from getting vulnerable. Or in a case when we are not in a rapport with the person who uses it. In other cases we thrive from sarcasm. :-D At least I do. :-D
Lol I’m so literal… so I guess yes… I miss sarcastic comments sometimes 😂😂😂
I'm sarcastic AF. 😆
really? for me while i do use sarcasm from time to time, when it's used on me im completely dumbfounded and locked in this loop of thinking about why they did such statement.
are they serious? are they joking? what prompted them to make a joke about that? if it's not a joke, should i be grateful for being observant of me? if it's a joke, maybe it says more about them more than me?-
these questions flood my mind within seconds because i want to figure out this interaction and this person im engaging with. and most of the time i just end up following my ooga booga brain, act literal, and take it as a complement, and return a genuine and positive comment about them instead.
@@CyAA-ri2us I'll be honest. I got assessed by an MBTI practioner and it turns out I am an INFJ, so this might be why I felt my experience was different :)
I tend to interrupt someone taking sometimes, and finish the sentence, it’s because I am overly excited and it just comes out of me. I try to control it, but that doesn’t always happen. I do apologize. As an ENFJ I really appreciate this video. I have grown a lot since my 20s. A meditation practice and a practice of checking in with myself about my wants and needs has really helped me to stop people pleasing.
SARCASM is not confusing to ENFJs. We can read people really well and sarcasm is second nature. I have to even be careful not to be too sarcastic with people who don’t know me thanks to many others not getting it.
Great video, you two! Keep up the good work.
Hey, just a reminder that we're not all the same and you can't speak for everyone :D ENFJs who are neurodivergent, like myself, have a hard time picking up on social cues *while being incredibly good at picking up on behaviour patterns and analyzing it* because we had to learn it in order to survive in the neurotypical social spaces. :)
@@trebaneconapise7793 Ok, but you are neurodivergent... Not the average ENFJ that can definitely understand sarcasm
Understanding people is my hobby and love language! I like to watch police interrogations with body language analysis. I'm probably a walking lie detector at this point, haha :) As far as sarcasm goes - I enjoy it when it's comedic, but when someone uses it to convey something they are serious about, it rubs me the wrong way and I find that person to be rather negative. I will usually ignore it - which may come off like I didn't understand what they were saying. I've definitely let bad relationships run too long in my life, and been unable to appropriately set boundaries with people, so the relationship inevitably ends in a way similar to an INFJ "door slam". Thank you for the insights!!
You seem so cool ; Do you want a ENFJ friend :)
I feel exposed from this. You’re exactly correct on every point. I don’t think anyone realised that I don’t get sarcasm at all, because I cover that up really effectively. So well done noticing that!
I’ll add to what you’ve said too. People don’t realise that beneath the social behaviour and future planning and high energy of the ENFJ we are actually extremely fact driven and can relate well to INTJ in the way that logic and fact is sought and processed. Can’t stand opinion (I’d never show that in a conversation with you) and can’t stand gossip, because these things have no fact and they also create disharmony. When there’s social disharmony that I can’t fix it’s highly distressing, and I’ll go into Ti completely and fact collect, research, only peer reviewed data. I will then switch from the mediator and peacemaker to the fact machine and tell someone they’re completely wrong, show them the evidence and they’ll take it hard, and this is how I lose friends. The switch to logic seems really out of character to people who have only seen the tender, caring, giving and conforming side of me. But there comes a point when the delusion of their opinions are too divisive within the group or community and are creating too much disharmony to remain unchallenged.
We struggle enforcing boundaries but highly respect yours, we are people pleasers, we have no real sense of self so we’re chameleons. We alter our identity in the moment primarily based on your feelings and needs. We can be your carer, your counselling service, your personal planner, your fact finder, your mediator, or your entertainment, and feel very confused later about our own boundaries we completely ignored to please you and question who we really are, it’s a lot more of a problem for us than others realise. We will be there for and try to help the weak, damaged and even the real bad guys, always seeing the best or the potential in them, which looks like a nice trait but the downside is that we do get abused or end up in toxic or dangerous situations at times, and waste that energy and effort that we should be putting into people who love and care for us.
These issues iron themselves out with age though. But this is the downside of this combination of traits/functions.
Ngl I feel read to filth … 😂 this is insane thanks there no doubt in me now that I’m enfj
Wow this is so on point!
@@nianexus135I felt that same way reading this.
This was very insightful, thank you for sharing this.
ENFJ - a social chameleon and the saviour of oppressed people.
Only a socially young person won’t pick up sarcasm.
Yes we bend ourselves to build rapport with others but our core values cannot be broken and we put you in place not matter who you are. Only exception is if we will safe others by compromising this.
ENFJs need to be more selfish, take alone time to identify and analyse yourself, your goals, needs and work on achieving them. Save yourself before saving the world.
Great video! Thank you. For your research, I have always gotten sarcasme.
ENFJ here, great video i have one pointer to say of course take this with a grain of salt or dont but i personally know and feel you both weren’t very well versed nor really super knowledgeable this is more of a jist type of thing that can fall into general aspects. either way yall did amazing !
Really enjoyed this. Garrett is good at this too. Look forward to the infp video
I'm an ENFJ and yes, I'm a chameleon and a different person with different people but it's not something that fustrates me... the fact is that I see others as possibilities to experiment with myself, to learn new things, even those ones I wouldn't be attracted to in a first place and, fundamentally, I'm not deeply interested in anyone (other than family, boyfriend and maybe 1-2 friends). OK, I always have the task to make others comfortable and be seen, but I'm not emotionally invested...it is something more about Justice than Emotion. I'm completely ok alone and the others are for me threats to contain, to leave me free to take care of my inner world, my interests, etc. it's true that i don't have a "project" or vision about me, but because i don't take myself so seriously and i want to learn as much as possible. Even at the career level, I have changed career several times, questioning myself, learning new things, taking more degrees and PhDs, but not to make a career "vertically", but to experiment and become "wider" and wiser. And the "anger" thing: PERFECT! Even the sarcasm one: I really think tha sarcasm is the result of aggression + arrogance + stupidity, and I love clarity and distinction, not ambiguities potentially painful for third parties.
Ok 100 agree but I NEED to know … what is your enneagram?
I revoke my sarcasm point haha, thank you for the corrections!
Don't stress too much. Alot of ENFJ's do miss sarcasm when they're healthy actually. It's when ENFJ's are in a FeSe loop they become hypersensitive and notice pretty much everything and become defensive.
i miss sarcasm although i think thats possibly due to trauma etc.
Alexis you are a great speaker, thank you for this 😀 Garrett's comments about lack of long term vision because of Extraverted Sensing also really resonated with me, and brought me straight back to a time when I was doing exactly that! Keep the content coming :)
I absolutely love this video. As an ENFJ I will say at first I was scared to watch it when I saw the title cus I was like "oh no I don't know if I wanna notice these things about myself" but the way you went about this is so respectfully done, elegant and really smart. Keep up the great work! I think it's also interesting seeing how many people commented on the sarcasm part, and seemingly took that almost like an attack. I didn't, personally. But I definitely think with unhealthy ENFJ's they can take little things they perceive as criticisms really badly and then react impulsively by trying to control the situation in some way shape or form, including commenting on this video trying to defend themselves lol. So maybe that's just something they can work on in and of themselves is realizing that they only have control over themselves and their opinions, and that (especially if they're stuck in a FeSe loop) not everything is meant to be taken to heart.
Just watched your INFP video that came out today & thought I better listen to the ENFJ (me) again.
My husband is an INFP & I was thinking, I wonder how many INFPs will take their video in a non personal way to be able to achieve their dreams. Then I thought, well I better reassess my own accountability in self growth too. And..... Realized here I am always self analyzing myself and again never giving myself any recognition for the kindness, love, and energy I show upon so many and not myself. I need to love myself but it just feels so foreign to me or overly egocentric. But I don't take very good care of my health and because I spend so much time and energy doing things for others, I have nothing left for me and at the end of the day I can tend to feel a little resentful. Which is ripe for codependency and manipulative behaviors in ENFJ to use what good deeds I've done as guilting another. I hate it but I am guilty of this. Not consciously doing it, so at least if I'm aware of this toxicity within me I can catch it. All I wish is that people would care about others more. There's too much rage in the world, too little service to others, no one allows for other people to be having a bad day anymore, but instead everything is a fight and taken personally.
My son (16) is an ESTP, so his spouting out shocking Trump supportisms with myself being about community and my husband (his stepdad) being an INFP is an intersting dynamic & his real dad is an INTP. I have had substance abuse problems, am sober from substances now, but I feel I am addicted to other things non substance that most wouldn't ever consider a problem. But it means I'm still trying to numb or distract myself from something painful or emotionally overwhelming.
I can be super sarcastic. My dad is an ISTJ and him and I love to go back and forth in sarcastic banter. My mom is an ESTJ and she's just mean. Her and I have a strained relationship. I have a hard time understanding her mindset. And always being criticized and never being able to make her proud growing up effected my self esteem greatly. If something isnt done her way, it's wrong, period. Hmmm. My dad says there's more than one way to skin a cat. He used to tell me also that, 'life's not fair, get used to it,' and honestly that tongue and cheek saying has helped me more in life than anything else. Just knowing when to let go, to focus on self care, bc i can't be a martyr for humankind.
Well with that horrifically long rant, I'm off to try to do self lovey things today. Now, what does that even look like??? ...
clueless...
Thanks for all your videos btw.
Love this. -infp
(Note sure if you will even grasp what i will be saying or taking it to heart, if you do you will grow , if you don't you remain..live is that simple )
You see i think its just your empath speaking and its not balanced..
You coming from the point imo that people should care more about others...
But that is a wrong starting point to begin with..
People should care more about themselves first then they can care about others..is the healthy starting point.
You don't put others ahead of you..there is nothing noble about that in fact..its pretty self defeating aspect.
Its not a good quality//it just mask itself as 'Good' but it has far more 'dangerous' consequences on long run and therefore hard to notice.
Many things sprout from that
*feeling alone
*feeling used
*resentful
*fluctuating self esteem
etc
IF people make themselves strong and then they have a weak point..Its GOOD to help
But if People refuse to make themselves strong , and you keep helping them...YOU JUST ENABLING THEM to remain 'weak'.
You think people can grow stronger when always live in their SAFE zone? You think people can gain more confidence if they never step outside their comfort zone?
You might be thinking you are doing good...but sometimes you are just blocking people from actually realizing their full potential...like a over protective mother/father.
You paralyzing people growth.
That's why you start from the notion..you only help those or invest in those that actually do the work themselves..
All the rest can live in their desperate 'momentum'..but its not our task to keep them out..ITS THEIR OWN TASK, THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITY.
Thats what HEALTHY relationships are about..
Keep yourself out of trouble by having BOUNDARIES, so that you CAN PROTECT others from having TROUBLE.
thats just my 2 cents.
I'm INTP..so its coming from my dominant TI which is your inferior..take it for whats its worth :)
And its good to help people!! But not at the cost of your own 'sanity' because when you collapse..who is going to help you??
The weak people you tried to pull out the pit?
As an ENFJ-T, I can tell you that I used to be highly sarcastic. I was told once that I have a smart mouth. That really stung. ENFJs are quick witted and know just how to cut to the quick. After I became a Christian, God helped me in that area. Much of it was a defense mechanism from a troubled childhood.
This was immensely insightful.
I just want to thank you both! These videos are really helpful as I continue researching my true type. This one really hit home for me. ☺️
I am an ENFJ and I do agree with the Extraverted Feeling annoyances. I still have faults within that realm and can be a hypocrite at times. But, I love how eventually I learned that you don't need to rescue people, or, put yourself down to "save" someone. It is nice to help but it's best to lend a ladder to someone in the ditch rather than jump in with them. (my sister who is an INFJ does this A LOT and it KILLS ME but also humbles me cause I relate badly! To that fault! ) . So Enfjs, take care of yourself if the person doesn't want to get out of the ditch and learn from their own mistakes despite your help. Leave them be because people are smarter than your unintentional "savior complex" is saying. I know you mean well but it doesn't hurt to be "selfish" it might seem more selfless than you think when you look after yourself too.
Again, im not saying we have a god complex or we are selfish when trying to genuinely, be selfless but they do say you can't love others if you don't yourself. Part of giving your love to the world means regardless of how you feel or who you feel responsible for. Do your damn hardest to watch your own back. Also some people are just not grateful no matter how hard you work for them. You actually earn more respect when you give people independence and faith in them. Help but don't be a carpet.
Yeah I've learnt this too. It's not easy, it feels against nature, but it's the best thing you can do.
I'm a 68 yr old Australian ENFJ who has lived and worked in NYC, London and Hong Kong. Americans confuse sarcasm and irony. What we in the rest of the English speaking world call irony, Americans lump all together as sarcasm. Sarcasm and irony are similar but very different. Sarcasm is negative and meant to be insulting but irony is saying the opposite of what you mean as a joke.
I'm well known for my use of ironic one-liners that have people in fits of laughter.
I loved the last advise: make sure people know YOU. It was very powerful and I could relate🩷🤍
ENFJ-A here. I am often viewed as not understanding sarcasm, but I am from the Northeast and sarcasm is used in a way that seems quite rude, so I just don't acknowledge it - ignoring bad behavior, I guess. I also believe in letting people fall on their on sword
Your videos are helping me so incredibly much. I’ve been wondering for years if I was bipolar or some other form of disorder. I now know through your videos that I am just a dysfunctional ENFJ.
I also understand now after 10 years of playing music and quitting about five years ago why I can’t play music as a business. I started playing music right after I had my only child as a way to deal with pretty bad postpartum. The music is my introspection. And if I try and do the music in that extroverted manor, it loses all its medicinal qualities and I just people please. I become a squirrel trying to get a nut drowning in everyone else’s lives.
Seriously thank you. 🖖🤘♥️
Good evaluation of us ENFJ's. I think all of us need to learn how to work with or balance group and individual needs. I had a boss that really taught me that. I don't think any of us are passive aggressive, but you were accurate about we let things slide until we just can't anymore.
Omg you hit everything you said! 😮
This was really helpful! I really struggled at my last position because everyone thought I agreed with them and thought like them even though I didn’t because I genuinely understood how they think and affirmed them. when around them I would even question if they were right. If it stayed with me in my thoughts after I knew it was wrong to me. People would vote for me to represent them etc and when they discovered I didn’t really think like them it caused issues for me. Even though I am very good at being in-tune with people, I find working with people to be emotionally challenging because it’s a lot to take in as people can be very toxic.
This will help me very much thanks
As an ENFJ, all I thought when I saw the title was to please take the piss out of my MBTI. I’m ready to be read! 😂😊
This was such a helpful vid!!
I also had a teacher throw a chair !! xD
I really see that frustrated anger in Ni/Fe people.
The one I know is sober because he knows that alcoholic problems run in his family. Like he understood as a teenager that he shouldn't even start drinking because of what it could lead to down the line. Very responsible. And very Ni focused (I don't know if he is INFJ or ENFJ). So that's really interesting that you brought that up.
Not gonna lie....it took me a VERY VERY VERY long time to understand sarcasm and what it was so I 100% agree with the sarcasm comment. I've never heard it before but yh, sarcasm goes over my head. Lol
Hey, another ENFJ here :D Not understanding sarcasm? All the time (might be also because I have ADHD though... :D). I tend to take a LOT of things too seriously and immediately begin looking for solutions for the thing I presume is a problem until someone stops me all weirded out like "Hey, nobody asked? I don't want to change my behaviour? I don't care about this? It's just a funny thing, calm down." I've learned to stop and think about (and usually ask) whether the person wants my help or simply to share their own ideas or views. But you have no idea how painful it is to know that there's something that could be made better and *I can't*. Also, not taking care of themselves? Big mood. All the time, unfortunately. :D (Immediately started explaining the possibilities of why that is because of my background until I realized nobody probably cares... Yeah, I tend to forget not everyone wants to know absolutely everything about everyone.)
You seem so cool ; whats new with you do you want a ENFJ
@@braxtonmills1235 ...?
@@trebaneconapise7793 I want to be your friend because you a ENFJ and I admire you and think your cool :) I am also a ENFJ hows life going ;
@@braxtonmills1235 Well, I appreciate that but 1. How old are you exactly?, 2. Are you sure you're an ENFJ?, 3. Friendships aren't randomly developed with people in youtube comments :D
I'm an ENFJ and i have a work colleague who is likely one as well and he sucks up to the boss so much it's sickening and to make things worse he's not very good at his job so he is rather disliked!
If I was to talk about some of the biggest ENFJ struggles they would be: with Ti because we feel clever until we meet a Ti dom then we feel stupid because we probably haven't thought things through as much as we thought we had, Si is a real headache for us! We find being methodical rather boring so we'd rather skip to the answer, I admit I get very frustrated with Si doms.
Fi can also be quite an issue because Fe users need to 'feed off' Fi. I remember friends of mine expressing their opinion about people and was like a foreign language to me, I didn't evaluate people and things that way and learning from the wrong source could be a real problem for an Fe dom I think.
I think in the use of Fe that it's more conflict avoidance or not wanting to hurt someone's feelings as to the why they affirm rather than disagree. This creates an assumption that they are on the same side or have the same beliefs but I don't think it's intentional as a way of being disingenuous but rather avoiding a debate which is draining.
Also -- if someone really wanted my opinion, they could just ask and dive deeper. But most take my silence as agreement because it's what they want.
People as my projects, yup that's me
As an ENFJ that was seriously mentally unhealthy at different points in time, it is especially difficult to question the empathy for others going through difficulties. There were times when I felt all I needed was support and understanding through my difficulties and when there was someone there, it did make all the difference. I am much healthier in all sorts of ways, especially boundary setting. And I can be more acutely aware of how catering to the ‘weakest’ can hurt others, however, I can’t say that people like me aren’t entirely unnecessary in a world filled with people that prefer to just get on with it, leaving others behind
I'm enjoying reading all the other ENFJ's - I didn't know other people thought like me
The sarcasm one kinda threw me, lol. I often find a lot of other people around me don't pick up on it when it's glaringly obvious to me.
I also found it interesting about the anger and "no boundaries" thing. I can see why or how those things might seem out of the blue or unfair. For me, I'm just waiting for people to do the right thing. It pisses me off that I have "parent" adults (or just people who should know better) into doing that they're supposed to do. So I wait for them to do it. I drop hints for them to do it. I ultimately realize they really just don't care to do the right thing or hear me when I remind them, and it pisses me off more. So, now I'm snapping at people to get it together. Now that I'm older I'm better about calling things out before they reach that point, but it irritates me that I have to. (Though I'm not flipping chairs.)
Overall, though, most of these things were temporary problems when I was younger. I didn't really come into my ENFJ-ness until I was an adult. (I was terribly introverted before, due to a lot of bullying and emotional abuse).
I think a lot of that background made it so that I have to "read the room" all the time and evaluate the creature I'm about to interact with. It's not so much about false affirmations as it is picking my battles. And I often really do see their perspective and don't think it's worth it to disabuse them of their beliefs in that moment. I actually think it's on them to dig for what I think if they really cared to, and maybe realize that some people are more complex. That being said, I don't shy away from disagreements like I used to when I was in a darker place.
I actually laughed when it came to having multiple reasons for a "no" to something (that an ENFJ doesn't want to do). I don't think this is exclusive to ENFJs (?), but sometimes, when something is suggested, there is a literal onslaught of subtextual problems and logistical headaches that the suggestion causes me that I can't even verbalize it.
So I toss out the first one that makes it to the top of the pile. And just the thought of having to put energy into thinking MORE about why there are SO many issues with the suggestion is bothersome and I don't even want to deal with it. So if pressed, I'll say the next obstacle that bothers me (probably in a jumbled way) and the next and the next. So it sounds like a lot of excuses, but really, it's the totality of those things that hit me all at once and are annoying to have to even express.
Anyways, I see why and how a lot of these conclusions are reached (this is not just the agreeable, affirming ENFJ in me, lol). Again, I absolutely saw bits of this in me when I was younger and less equipped to reflect on these things. That being said, this gives me something to think about and reflect on going forward.
I'll be honest, these days I am alone all day (writer). The idea of being around people as a giver became exhausting in my 30s and I cut back on it when I had a child who really DID need me. I feel really selfish because of it. But I also don't feel as stressed.
Also, your point about the teacher . As an ENFJ that’s why we don’t set boundaries or correct because even though people are responsible for their own behavior such as yo unsaid being in time it’s still the enfj fault for communicating it late. But I didn’t hear you include in the end people in a college course know to be on time and if you were one of those people apply it and take responsibility for it
Is it werid that as a ENFJ i am saying i am glad your saying what you dislike about us constructively and i am glad there are things you dislike about us? I mean no one is prefect your gonna dislike something in someone. Though, I guess the way it is said is good for self reflection aka something we are not awesome at. Ty.
I am an ENFJ and I am notorious for missing sarcasm
You describe me 🥲🥲🥲. But I’ve learnt to let go people that are toxic to me 🥹🙏🏻
As an ENFJ I definitely have a hard time picking up on sarcasm, but then again I’m also autistic so no wonder dhhdjd
I disagree with the sarcasm, it is my main way of communicating
i appreciate your definition of Fe. I think it kind of shows the flaw with this psych theory. because everyone kind of sees Fe as being concerned about what other people are feeling. which is how it feels, as an xNFJ. But if we are so overly aware of what other people are feeling, wouldn't that mean that we introvert feelings? Wouldn't that mean we take in the "feeling" information from other people??
no, because Fi (introverted felling ) is associated with understanding your own emotions whereas Fe (extraverted felling) is concerned with others emotions.
they're different because Fi is focused on one's desires whereas Fe is concerned on social harmony. -intp
I do get annoyed when you guys don't seem genuine and are just trying to please people, but when you guys are genuine It feels like one of the best things.
Id rather you guys disagree with me when you do so I'm aware of what you guys genuinely feel, I can't read peepole like you guys
God all of this felt a bit too close haha. The sarcasm thing, I definitely understand sarcasm and use it as well, but for whatever reason part of me takes it literally and that responds first too, before the part of me that comes up with a quick joke can get it out.
The title called me out, and I'm watching this- Know what! No. You have your opinions.
7:30±1:00 I understand that.
8:45 I used to. Now, I use the ULTIMATUM.
12:30-15:00. We're basically psychics. Same with INFJs.
16:30 PUT DOWN THOSE DRINKS!!!
Love the video! It's very true and informative!
~ENFJ
Watching this video at 1 am and got to the Se part… caught red handed
Sarcasm is my 2nd language 😂 ENFJ here❤ Since i read people really well...i can feel they're being sarcastic...my husband being a ISFJ doesnt always catch it
Finishing others sentences, 🤔 I would expand on that and have noted they are quick to jump to conclusions and speak for others based on their own feelings yet this is part of their diplomatic nature
What would you say the biggest reason for them to not say what is bothering them but rather vanish or ghost? I just find it confusing since they love people and are good at getting closer but when they turn back it is just all of a sudden… since there is no hint
Probably burnout? Realizing they need to create boundaries to keep their mental health in check? ENFJ here, this is the only reason I can think of :D
I’m and ENFJ and i’m confused by your last point about the 50/50 so basically your asking us to go against what you told us is a growth point. Why not state that you will lead the conversation but don’t feel like you have to care for the person in that moment and that it’s okay to just be responsible for ourselves.
It did seem like you lead with your make up so please share that and make that point clear.
I'm an INTJ and my partner is an ENFJ.
Good try guys. Some good info.
Lot of ENFJs I know are nice but not the teddy bears, let's all be in harmony many seem to describe. I think not many have met a real ENFJ. They like to be with people and among the group and can understand people well enough intuitively to know how to manage them by using emotions in whatever way necessary to produce a certain effect.
Not taking care of body? Say whaaat? Most like being around people, why would an enfj not take care of their body. I can't imagine.
Im extremely sarcastic..