Autism, Sex & Relationships (Autistic Person Reacts to Jubilee)
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- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
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Autistic Person reacts to Jubilee's 'How do Autistic Couples Experience Love?'
💛 WATCH NEXT💛 :
Jubilee's Previous Video (spot the fake autistic person):
• Who is FAKING Autism??...
Reacting to Autism TikToks:
• Autistic Person Reacts...
Reacting to ChatGPT's Take on Autism:
• Well, this is Insultin...
00:00 Let's gooo
📖 Books I'd Recommend about Autism:
*Aspergirls by Rudy Simone:
amzn.to/3xSZ6Mg
*Unmasking Autism by Devon Price:
amzn.to/3LhMV3j
*Chloe Hayden's Book (where was this book when I was 17?? PLEASE READ!):
amzn.to/40fKx2m
*Links with a star are affiliate links. The channel will receive a small commission if you buy anything on Amazon after clicking through with this link. There's no extra cost to you and any money will go towards putting out more content. I'd love to post twice a week and put more time into research for these videos. Thank you so much - I really appreciate every like and comment!
DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.
Thank you so much for watching and for all of your lovely comments this week! I hope you found this entertaining/helpful. Apologies that all of these relationships were straight (or at least straight-passing, I should say!) Seems a bit mad when you consider how many autistic people aren't. But the couples they included seem awesome and I really appreciated their honestly! 🥰
A few videos you also may enjoy:
Jubilee's Previous Video (spot the fake autistic person):
ua-cam.com/video/dn9_fKFmbHw/v-deo.html
Reacting to Relatable Autistic TikToks:
ua-cam.com/video/J0m_9ft1Wuo/v-deo.html
@@Avendesora true!!!
Through in vitro people can choose the sex of their offspring.
Have you seen the show love on the spectrum ❤. Netflix I think
Gay means happy every word means what it does for a reason
Off subject but how old are you Meg
I have to agree that as a female with late diagnosed autism, the reason my marriage is going on 16 years is that my husband likes my autistic traits. My encyclopedic knowledge of weird stuff? He thinks it’s cool. Ability to identify songs within 3 notes? A superpower as far as he’s concerned. And he says I add a certain “interesting chaos” his life needs to be interesting. I certainly am different, and different is just what some people need.
aw I love that. I'm glad you have someone that appreciates your "quirks"
I am bad at processing sound information, so being able to identify a song is from 3 notes is 100% magic to me.
My mom’s dad was like that and so was my mother actually, how can anyone get the song with three notes, but my grandad might.
he probably just thought you were an easy target after having been denied by other women lol
@@Danuxsy how did you arrive at that conclusion?
"I think people become more attractive the more that I like them.." so trueeee!!
I had idealized aesthetic types of what I wanted from a partner... but, my significant other didn't look like what I thought I wanted. we just spent so much time together, bonding and going through different things... I slowly fell in love and they became what I wanted.
I loved what you commented! U summed it up perfectly ❤
Maybe demi sexuality?
I came to say the same thing. For me it's an expression of my demisexuality. Trust is attractive. Bonds are attractive. The reciprocation of deep conversation and vulnerability is attractive. The more of someone's story I know, and the safer I feel with them knowing mine, the more attractive they become. Almost universally. I resonate a lot with "relationship anarchy" because of this, and the traits I value in close friendships are the exact same ones I value in partners, so romantic relationships are just the ones that I commit the most time to.
Yup. It just seems natural. Way more natural than specifically seeking out someone for a relationship (just causes anxiety in my experience).
I become friends with the people I spend time around. I'm in or have been in romantic relationships with people I've been friends with.
That quote sounds pretty obvious, as who you like is who's you're attracted to and vice versa, and who you're attracted is who you care to look at. But then, I get what you're saying.
I and my youngest son are both autistic. He has zero interest in dating, women, any of that. I, on the other hand, can't function without a romantic partner. I was married for 25 years until 2015. I didn't find out I was autistic until I was 54. When my ex left, her exact words were "You are too difficult for me to love." LUCKILY I currently have GF who has been pursuing ME! I never thought it could happen. Nobody has ever treated me like she has. It is amazing. She accommodates my overreactions, my brain weasels, all the stuff that drove my ex nuts. She just ... handles it.
Again, I'm blown away, I never thought someone would love me like I love them.
I’m so sorry that you had to wait so long to find out you’re autistic, but am very glad you know now. I hope that knowledge has helped you. It’s similar in my family - we all seem to have quite different experiences of intimate relationships. It’s so interesting!
That's beautiful and I'm so happy for you!
I love that "brain weasels" 😂.
This is amazing, gives me hope too. I only found out that I'm autistic a few years ago when I was 32. Hopefully I can find my other half some day if someone can put up with me 😅
Last time I had a gf was 9 years ago. I feel like I'll never be in a relationship ever again since I'm an undesirable
@@IaconDawnshire oh I feel ya there. It's been over 10 years for me.
I'm autistic and asexual, 35, never been in a relationship and never want to. Just has zero appeal to me. I'm also very uncomfortable with even the idea of any kind of physical or intimate contact with another person. I don't mind a hug from a friend or family member but that's it. Whether that's from being autistic, asexual or a mix of both I don't know.
sounds like youre aroace! im audhd and asexual but feel romantic attraction!
I think that’s aro ace because if you were just ace and not aro then you would still want to be in a relationship or at least not uncomfortable by the idea
Op might not identify with the aromantic label or just simply might not use that label, not use the split attraction model, etc. Aro people might want to be in a relationship, and non aro people might not want to be in one. It's not that clear cut... I know y'all come from a place of good intention but let's not apply labels on other people in their place 🙏🏻 Saying this because personally I don't want a relationship either, but I do not use the aro label. I'm just ace. And I constantly get the "so you're aromantic too" but NO 😂 I'm just ace, people don't know my romantic orientation, I don't use any other label, that's the whole point 😂 I don't know if op has the same experience, but being in the community I thought you'd appreciate the perspective.
@@giulsomino so you don’t believe that romantic and sexual attraction are separate?
@@ferninthehouse I do believe they are separate for most people! As concepts, it's very useful to think of them and explain them as separate. Just, some people don't separate them for themselves, or just place more importance on one so they don't label the other, or use only one label because it's the most meaningful to them, or maybe there's some other reason for which they don't use a certain word.
Thank you for acknowledging autistic aces!! It is really important to challenge harmful views of autistic people and how there sometimes is an assumption that autistic people are asexual because they are autistic and it being framed as a lack of empathy or a "problem." That is invalidating to both autistic people and asexual people. They are two different aspects of a person, we are not ace because we are autistic we are ace because we are ace. Thank you again!💜
Yessss, thank you for saying this. I really hope asexuality is better understood and more commonly accepted in the future.
As an asexual autistic person yes! While partly a factor of not feeling like I want sexual stuff is because I don’t like physical affection I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything but “WHAT THE” whenever an anime I’m watching shows fan service. For me it’s a fan disservice. 😂
@@gailasprey7787 Fan disservice for sure! I appreciate anime showing how adorable and beautiful certain characters can be because I love women, but not the exploitative stuff please. Even if someone was allosexual I don't see how objectification of a character feeds into those feelings. It is often done in such a dehumanizing way.. Always have felt very grossed out by it not because of nudity but because a lot of it is objectification and straight up sexual harassment. I will stick to rewatching all my good shows!
ditto. Ditto on everything you said
@TinyGhosty this guy gets it. also women are so cool i wanna be a women when j grow up
I agree with the 'gravitate towards those who are neurodivergent' and it's making me laugh how many people I feel drawn to who then either disclose their diagnosis or that they think they are. I think also people who are generally 'different' even if they're neurotypical (maybe they are into a really niche subculture or they're lgbtq+ or from a different culture) because they understand not fitting in.
I also agree that kindness is the most important thing to look for.
It is definitely a biological thing. On a subconscious level we are connecting with those who are like us. I didn’t even think I was autistic until the last few years. All my friends from college, back in the early 90’s, were weird and unique like me. I didn’t think about looking into autism until a second cousin of mine presented with select mutism, and had high intelligence ever since he was a kid. I tend to think autism is hereditary, so I looked at my father and one of his cousins. All presented with similar traits, not necessarily mutism, but traits that were actually very close to being on the spectrum. Now, for the last few years of reading and watching videos, I self diagnosed myself according to the DMS-V 5. My friends also seem to on the spectrum as we are all have very similar traits and personalities, although at least one seems to present far more extreme on the spectrum.
I highly suspect most of my longterm friends of being neurodivergent in some ways even though none of them are diagnosed (some because their countries are less accessible).
Same lol. But I do prefer being friends with neurodivergent people cuz if I’m not I’m the outsider in a group of outsiders.
Yeah. I didn't know terms such as "autism" "neurodivergent" etc. and I'd always gravitated towards people of this caliber, because I am not very normal myself. It's not even a conscious decision, just happens. All my friends have been "socially off" in some manner.
Bros and sisters, this IS speciation in Progress. This IS one species becoming two. You are Not accidentally drawn to people WHO are Like you: If you have a child with someone from the neurotypical Line there can BE strong genetics conflicts between the genetic lines that might make the child seriously sick or disabled.
About being drawn to other neurodivergent people:
I'm autistic and have ADHD (the predominantly inattentive type), and I seem to often be drawn to hyperactive people (at least as friends). Even though they can tire me out at times and I can be a bit of a drag, it seems like we balance each other out: they inspire me to be a bit more spontaneous and daring, and I prompt them to think before they do something (too) reckless or inconsiderate.
It can be a really enjoyable dynamic, so long as there is enough common ground (struggles/interests/opinions).
One of my closest friends is very obviously ADHD and she was my first advocate! Her joy in spontaneity and her extroverted nature really pull me out of my anxiety. Also, when I am overwhelmed, she supports me in such a way that my meltdowns are super short (relative to the norm) and we can still continue to have fun. I'm back to laughing my butt off 20 min after sensory overload/distress.
Just describing it or seeing how we interact from a stranger's POV, it probs looks like we are romantically involved, but our bond is purely platonic and is rooted in a deep trust.
Accepting my ADHD, and later my autism, was a smooth process thanks to her. I love my Lizard ❤
i am hyperactive and i seem to be drawn toward people that are opposite from me (SOMETIMES,.. I AM DRAWN TO HYPER PEOPLE TOO). i also have anxiety so even tho i get hyper a lot i have a lot of nervous breakdowns in public. my friend who is blunt and stoic (on the outside) calms me down - just by their presence alone - in situations when im nervous in or overwhelmed by emotions and need someone to talk some sense into my mind/stop me from feeling too much. and she can order for me lol when im too nervous. we're both introverts but im super shy and anxious all the time, she's the type of introvert that does not give a fuck haha.
As an autistic person I can definitely say I personally want physical and emotional intimacy, but that’s me. The thing I’ve found harder to establish and keep with NTs in long-term love relationships is emotional intimacy. I’ve not had that problem with close friendships… of course, my closest friends are autistic and I’ve only had romantic relationships with NTs. Also, we didn’t know I was autistic.
As an autistic male, I 100% agree with you. I want the intimacy and connection, but have never found that relationship. It’s getting more difficult as I get older. I don’t like putting all my efforts towards one if it tends to not work out. I hate dating apps and talking to random people makes me uncomfortable and socially anxious.
@@taoist32 I'm a woman (but I am trans, so I looked at it from the guy's perspective when I was younger), but I've been working on both getting better at noticing and understanding what I'm feeling, and building up the courage to be open about it ASAP. I hate unresolved situations, and I have no issue being friends with someone I like, so it's healthier to just be open about my feelings and deal with them immediately so I can put all my effort into just being a good friend. I know "be more mindful" is kind of shitty advice but being open and honest about your wants and needs is important and mindfulness is about helping you figure out what your wants and needs actually are. Anyway, good luck!
@@fakeweeb8655 Thank you. Sometimes I think I’m too honest, and it makes everything awkward.
@@taoist32 You do have to balance it with consideration for how the other person might take it, which can be especially difficult for us. I just try my best to be genuine, clarify myself (and ask for clarification if I didn't catch something), and apologize promptly if I realize I did say/do something rude.
If someone sees you trying your best to communicate, and acts like a jerk because of it, then you probably wouldn't have got along with them anyway. That helps me be less afraid of putting myself out there. Sometimes it still doesn't work, and that feels awful. But I've met some great people by taking a risk, too.
I think they are confusing ace with autism
I thibk autistics are big on consent before intimacy or physical touch is because they were often forced into physical affection as kids (Ex: go hug Grandma, whats wrong with you?!) Or as teens exploring sex and relationships, may have been forced or coerced into intimate situations they werent ready for. Im autistic/ADHD female, and people have touched me without my permission since i was little. It's a part of our autonomy. So us constantly askimg for consent is our way of showing that we care and dont want you to be uncomfortable
I'm on the spectrum and I have a huge problem with sexual intimacy, I am not asexual but this is definitely to much for me. I avoid romantic relationship because of this, I feel like this is not "normal" for many people. But seeing all this beautiful couples make me think there maybe still hope for me ❤
I feel the same way 💖
I'm also not good with intimacy. I'm in a relationship with someone who loves physical intimacy and I find myself always trying to break it up with acting goofy or just trying to make it less intense.
I’d recommend experimenting with mind/mood-altering substances, like pot or MDMA or even alcohol. Once you have a good experience, you won’t need the drugs to enjoy it.
@@vickielawson3114 the only substance I haven’t tried is acid and ketamine. Lol
@@vickielawson3114
Sorry, chemical conversion therapy doesn't work, and has a ton of trauma risks.
Your suggestion is something that has hung a lot of people back in their closets.
It's not something they need to fix.
Y'all need to get over yourselves and be nice to folks that are different from you.
One of the reasons my ASD and ADHD weren't diagnosed until very recently (I'm 22, it's been less than three years, and even the ASD is not official, but rather has been pointed out by my formally diagnosed autistic friends) is because I wasn't disruptive. My ADHD is of the inattentive presentation, I learned to talk, read and write earlier than normal, and my stimms weren't that noticeable. My stimms would be things like singing, toe walking, dragging my feet, sucking my lover lip, biting and sucking on the ends of my hair, doing little jumps, or biting my nails. And when I was overwhelmed sensory wise, it wasn't always an issue because my ADHD and ASD worked together to keep me inside my head and not paying attention to anything going on around me, so it looked like I was just well behaved. I would lose myself in the activities of our workbooks or exercises the teacher wrote on the whiteboard because I found seeking information or solving math problems really fun, and it would make me happy. I loved jigsaw puzzles, I loved reading. But since I also liked things like climbing trees and playing bulldog and play-fighting, my parents thought I couldn't possibly be autistic. I was just shy. I was just really smart. I was just really well behaved.
But no. I'm not shy, I just lack social drive, I'm not that interested in having many friends or getting to know strangers. I'm not "very smart," my brain just likes making associations between things and solving problems with patterns. I'm not "well behaved", I'm just lost inside my own head and sometimes I'm nonverbal. I'm not special. I'm just AuDHD.
No i think you are very much smart.. The fact that you are humbling yourself lol. That is also a indication of a very smart person 😊
Have a good day
Huh, you just described my life perfectly (maybe exept for the liking math part) lol. I'm 35, undiagnosed and currently researching autism/ADHD, but everytime I think "Yep, I'm probably autistic" the imporster comes up and yells "Stop finding excuses, you're just lazy!". Probably because I should be doing something productive right now but can't bring myself to do it.
Anyway, don't think you're not "very smart" because you "just follow a pattern". Identifying and following patterns is really hard for a lot of people and just because it comes easy to you that doesn't make you less smart :)
PS: I loved to read your comment, it was so well written!
Cool how you managed to balance and are aware of how you function. Well expressed too.
Wow! This sound so familiar to my own life. It’s nice to see I’m not the only one who flew under the radar.
I also relate to your comment! Currently deep diving into audhd and relationships due to a breakup, but I’ve been lightly researching asd and adhd for a few months now. I’m amazed at how much I relate to the content I’ve been finding. And I also go back and forth on whether I’m really possibly on the spectrum or just have a few traits that make me able to empathize with people in the soectrum. 🤷🏻♀️
I have sensory issues. I cannot stand bodily fluids. I don't like wet, slimy textures. Kissing is gross to me. Being sweated on, having someone else's body hair or body fluids on me makes me feel sick at the stomach. I struggle with claustrophobia and overstimulation. The sensations, the sounds, the fluids, the claustrophobia. My feelings about this were atrributed to immaturity and trauma. Now, with the knowledge of ASD, my mum and I have discussed my sensory issues . We have both concluded that while the trauma plays a role in my struggles with sexuality, my sensory issues play a bigger role. I would need an extremely understanding partner. Religion gets in there to muck with things, too.
I have been told that these feelings are because I must be a lesbian. Admittedly, this is possible. I even came out as a lesbian nearly a decade ago. ? Time is an issue for me, but my dad was still alive and not at death's door, so it had to be 8ish or more years ago now.
I'm definitely on the ace spectrum. Appearance doesn't matter. I have to really know the person; I'm very attracted to intelligence. I love to hear about people's special interests. I can't do casual sex. I WISH I was sexually free!! I judge no one.
It's been a decade or so since I had sex. I have had very few sexual experiences in the past 20 years!!!
Do what makes you happy. And sex is only a part of a relationship. There's a lot to be said about simply sharing a sunset or the like with someone you like, corny as it sounds.
Personally, I enjoy just listening to someone talk about something they really are passionate about.
I heavily relate
I seriously resonated with Chai in this video!
I grew up in multiple separate environments where I grew accusomed to only receiving affection while receiving comments like "I'm sorry that I hurt you, but I felt like I had no choice because you're such a terrible person." I used to be a giant teddy bear & it's something I'm still trying to work back towards, but everything in relationships feels so forced to me. I was in a relationship for 1.5 years & was almost never one to seek attention or affection. It feels deeply unnatural to me to hold hands, hug, etc. I still do it, but definitely far far less than my ex would've liked & I often found myself pulling my phone out during snuggle sessions because I was painfully bored and uncomfortable.
Now that I'm single again, I am not seeking out a relationship. I really dont feel like I was missing out on something that huge, especially if the bond is not there for both people. I'm willing to be single for many years until I find someone who resonates more with me.
I'd also like to share my somewhat unique perspective on the question of having children on the spectrum. Because my father & his sisters are not on the spectrum, but their father was & never got diagnosed. It can be iscolating. My grandfather truly tried his best to bond with his children, but even after his death, I heard them complain that they were resentful of the fact he never expressed interest in their hobbies or spent time together unless they did something he liked. He was an angel. I adored him. I loved snuggling on the couch with my grandma and watching whatever show my grandfather wanted. I always wanted to sit next to him during dinner even though he never spoke during the meal. But he was simply nonverbal & his children held that fact against him & never put in a real effort to understand him.
Being autistic & having a neurotypical child is a very difficult challenge for some. It's definitely easier nowadays than it was in the 70s, but you have to make an extra effort to ensure that your child understands that their autistic parent's different neurotype does not detract from the love they feel for the child. Nor is the child "missing out" simply because their parent bonds differently.
I appreciate this discussion. My decades of difficulty with recognizing feelings of love and expressing affection have been catching up with me this week, and it’s been a week when I keep seeing the autistic UA-camrs I follow, mostly women, talking about how emotionally open they can be, which feels a bit hard to hear right now. I know this can be true...autistic people are not all closed off and non responsive, and it’s important to refute blanket stereotypes, but it’s also important not to forget those of us who do have issues with alexithymia and reciprocity. Yes, formative experiences always play a role, but I can sense things about myself that I just plain started with (both my parents were undiagnosed ND in various ways).
Really autistic women are being open. What bullshit. Do you take me for a fool. I'm closed off. It started with early childhood trauma and abuse. I fucked up my relationship with my ex because I was verbally angry and repressed my emotions to which I still do. Don't act like you understand or care. As someone on the Autism spectrum love never came easily to me. It's over for me.
My husband and I are both autistic and finding out about our autism was the best thing for our relationship! We always got along great but there are certain traits that are easier to tolerate and accept within the context of autism. Just as it is for myself.
Except if you're like me. You ruin your relationship with your then girlfriend with anger issues and a lack of understanding your challenges with opening up stems from childhood trauma and abuse. You have it, lucky. Too lucky, and people like you have more to lose. I had more to lose since the day I was born.
You talking about how you can’t imagine having been autistic and NOT in a loving/supportive home hit a sore spot in me. I was homeschooled so I was only ever at church or at home. I was never away from the ridicule, constant critiques, and still don’t know how to take my mask fully off around other people, even if they are safe.
I wonder if growing up in a non-supportive environment leads to automatic burnout, because that has seemed to be the case for me.
trauma + masking burns me the fuck out
This was so lovely. I was sitting at the table and my husband was sitting at his computer and I kept turning to him and telling him about how nice our relationship is because I can relate so much from the people in the video. We may both b autistic, but neither of us r diagnosed, both scored high on the AQ test
My girlfriend and I are both on the spectrum, she lives in another country and I fell in love with her without ever having seen her face actually (we did a lot of voice/text chat). Turns out she is very attractive but it's really just the cherry ontop 😊. I love her autistic traits, I find them very sweet and charming. Stuff like overstimulation is something I can understand, and since this is a relatively new relationship we're just taking the time to learn how to support each other in our bad moments as well. We're both snuggly little gremlins and are pretty well matched in pretty much all areas. I feel really lucky to have found someone who loves me so much and understands me on such a deep level ♥
This gives me hope. My neurotypical mother was abusive to me and then my neurotypical husband was too. They both would poison my mind as to why I shouldn't get close to people (who I later puzzled out would have helped me.) I feel safer alone, am to the point I'd be open to a relationship, but just don't want to put the effort in to look for one. (Back in my day, it happened naturally. Now it seems to be all about signaling availability through apps.) This gives me hope that their are neurodivergent and neurotypical people both who appreciate autistic people for the full human beings they are. Thank you so much for reacting to this. I would have never found it without you. :-)
I completely understand Chai about the consent. It makes me feel really awkward, but I need to be told if something is okay.
this is unrelated, but i volunteer for after-school care at a local primary school, and one of my 2nd graders looks so much like you did in the childhood pictures you've shared. she's also autistic, as am i, and i love her to bits (i feel honored that i'm one of her "safe people"). it's fun watching your videos and thinking about how she might turn out as an adult reflecting on her childhood memories. i hope she remembers me fondly. anyway, great video as always! i found it very validating to hear so many autistic outlooks on relationships and intimacy 🥺
I feel that the "standard" depiction of romantic relationships in movies and such has been very damaging to my ability to form and maintain romantic relationships. The idea of a "happily ever after", in particular, has caused me to go through so many partners without sticking to any of them, because I had been conditionned to believe that once you find "The One", things just fall in place like puzzle pieces and it's all smooth sailing once you're "together". It should be effortless.
For most of my life (I'm turning 39 this year), I was convinced that I'm just unable to sustain a romantic relationship. Of my previous relationships, the longest had lasted 6 months, the rest were usually much shorter - I just got bored and/or frustrated, and left. I ended up believing that I'm bad at it, that I should just give up on trying and remain alone. That was really disheartening, though, because I've always craved affection and a feeling of belonging. I don't want to be alone - I need a partner in life.
For the past couple of years, I have been trying to build something with someone who understands and accepts how I'm wired and what I need. It's been difficult, but this time I'm trying to hold onto the idea that a meaningful relationship does require (and is worth) quite a lot of effort. Fingers crossed.
My mom's been loving for the most part, but didn't believe I was autistic when I first told her I thought I might be. She didn't dispute it when I got professionally diagnosed. My dad, on the other hand, I remember him criticizing every little thing which made me stick out-- how I walked, how I dressed, where I'd put my hands when I was doing things, how I talked, et cetera. I am sure that he knew that there was something different about me, and I'm sure that he hated it.
I feel like a lot of autistic people including myself feel like they're "too much" for someone. If a person you're dating or friends with, or even family dont enjoy your aspects of neurodivergency, then they aren't the one for you. If some things dont match that's fine and normal but if they dont like you **because** you're autistic or neurodivergent, then that's a problem ❤
Just a little reminder that many people like you and that you’ve built a great community and that your channel is very helpful to me and many others.
Thank you so much for your videos! They have helped so much with my imposter syndrome. Intimacy was hard to understand from what I learned from my peers.
I’m so glad I could help 😊 Thank you so much for watching!
I get sensory issues when there's unexpected tongue-kissing, too many kiss sounds, or sounds too close to my ear (because they're too loud). I also have trouble with certain textures and smells, and some vibrations in certain places - I hate the feeling of electronic toothbrushes!
thank you for all ur kind words towards those of us who grew up undiagnosed in abusive/unsafe households :< i'm unfortunately still there but your acknowledgement and empathy really means a lot ❤️
Hopefully you find your way out. I only got out of the whole situation till I was 30. I haven't gone back.
I'm so happy I've found your channel!!
I binge watched all your videos when i found them
And it's been so neet to learn about autism!!
Keep up the great work!! ✨
Thank you SO much! That's made my day!
I can agree with the demisexual (I didn't realize it was a thing until this year). People would always be making remarks of, "Oh, he's cute!" "Don't you think he's hot?" Then I'm over here like, "They look like a person...." (happened all the time with my best friend's mom; I never understood it or how people would have celebrity crushes--it's like you don't even know them...). A lot of times they don't even register on my radar. If there's any chance of me getting in a relationship (been in a total of 1 my 30+ years on this planet and that was earlier this year---and maybe one in college, but that one's a gray area because I was chatting with someone on an online game and our relationship was unclear), I have to feel a connection to you as a human being and feel safe and interested. Otherwise, people are people. I have a general love for humanity (despite being super drained by interacting with them), but romance is a tricky thing.
Hard to pick up on flirting, too; just goes sailing right over my head. I always end up thinking they're just being nice/kind; for me, you treat other people as you want to be treated, so it just makes sense for being to treat each other kindly (although the same courtesy hasn't really been given to me). One of my best friends recounted this tale of when some guy confidently walked up to me and started complimenting my hair. Apparently, I told him, "Thanks!" and went about my day, not thinking anything of it. She thought it was hilarious. I have no recollection of this, but it wouldn't surprise me at all. You need to be very direct with me and spell things like that out because otherwise, I'm over here completely oblivious. Not trying to be. I know flirting and such are things people do; it's just a foreign language that my brain struggles to process.
I feel like I wrote this -- nice to know there's others out there 😅
Autistic ace transbian married to an autistic ace transbian and honestly it's the most fulfilling relationship I could ever hope to have. We have complete love and faith in one another and are able to understand each other in ways neither of us would have ever expected to be. It made me kind of sad to hear the things you said about being skeptical of autistic people being in a relationship together since every time I've ever been in a relationship with an NT person they've done nothing to help me and hurt me so much both unknowingly and knowingly, yet with my autistic wife we've been able to support and care for each other through some very, very terrible things that I wouldn't have made it through without somebody like her.
Plus unlike with family or most friends, if I'm doing something "weird and/or disruptive" I can give her a very short explanation and that's it. I already don't like talking much, especially when it's something non-important, so this really feels wonderful for me.
I wish you the best and I enjoy your videos, take care!
It makes me happy and sad at the same time to see those lovely young couples. We all deserve love. I am 38 and ace. I´ve never found a partner to love me for who I am and to love back. I can barely make friends bec I am weird or perceived as such so that people keep their distance. I can´t figure out how other people do it. I can´t. I also live in a country where I don´t even dare to tell people I´m autistic without fearing consequences, bullying or back lashing on me. It made me sad to see people don´t feel loveable. I feel the same, but it makes me sad for them not to see their potential. It is easier to watch and observe. I always feel strongly for others. I feel like my ship has sailed and I missed it. I am happy you and the couples in the video have found someone.
When I hear you describe yourself it sounds like you're describing me. I also can't figure out how people make friends. I was also in my 30s before I had a romantic relationship, and I was absolutely certain that I would never find anyone who was attracted to me. It's hard to describe just how astonishing it was to me when it did happen. I still feel astonished at the thought of being loved.
I'm one of the undiagnosed (now 54 years old and seeking a formal diagnosis) people watching your videos who had a "not geat upbringing situation".
In fact that childhood family situation is one of the things that made me think my oddness and lack of socialabiloty was probably normal under the circumstances and masked my autism from me and every one else.
Obviously I was damaged emotionally and I and I think a lot of people - I certainly did - assumed that that emoitional damage caused me to be "poorly socialised" - not know how to fit in, to lose my cool in situations other people might not, not be able to cope well with certain situations.
And you're right. It's really fucking hard. Like a 20 year heroin habit that ended up at over $200 a day at the end.
And without that I have become more what I now know to be autisitc. And am feeling more and more autistic all the time.
I grew up in the 70s and 80s when autism was known but not well understood here in Australia and was essentially associated with "mental retardation" and Down Syndrome - ironicallly I had an aunt who I did spend time with who earned a PHD in psychology and was woring with autistic kids when I was a kid.
The thing about being interested in what you're doing overriding bodily function is true for me. I soemtimes find it hard to leave what I am doing and as a result end up with a "damp spot". Same for drinking. To the point that I dehydrate and get a migraine, because I haven't bothered to drink for a day.
I also somewhat identify with Chai not wanting to say "love" I'll say it, but only if I am very sure that that love would continue to exist even if we broke up.
And I am no longer willing to say something like " I would never leave you" and I ask people not to say it to me. I know I will never forgive any one who leaves me after saying they won't, even though I know neuro typcial people mean soemthing different to what I understand that phrase to mean.
So if someone says "I would never leave you" or words to that effect, I tell that what that means to me and what my expectation would be, so please don't say it - and please understand why I will not say that. The best I am freely willing to say is "I don't think it would be easy for me to leave you".
I understand that is not "romantic" for some people, but I am at the point now I feel I need to try and work out how to start being true and authentic to myself.
Your last paragraph is precisely how I think of that topic as well
Sometimes I read something from someone of a different generation and it's just like I wrote it. It's just a little spark inside that feels warm, and relatable. It's tough here in Australia for some of us that don't fit their current model to get help, but at the same time, we are trying. Getting there. Plus at least we care enough to look at the outcomes.
Best of luck friend, shine on.
Intimacy and sex is not something i need, but i can and will do it for my partner, tho i unfortunately had some bad relationships with guys who kinda forced or shamed me into intimacy and they have really hurt me and my body..
Unfortunately i have some kind of PTSD reaction whenever i try to have penetrative intimacy with my current partner (who treats me good and respect my boundaries) and that is a result of my previous experiences, lucky i feel safe with him so we work on it slowly, but its hard :)
Also, i would embrace my child with or without autism, BUT i am afraid for getting a child that requires way more care then what i can give them..
Its not that i dont want a mentally or physical disabled child but i am scared that i would not be able to give them the care they need..
My best friend have an autistic brother and he is very different to a degree where he does not socialice at all, he cant understand nerotypical people at all, he needs some amount of home care to clean and make food, he is more "disabled" then others and i would be afraid that if i got a child like that i wouldnt be able to handle it :/
Hey! It’s Christina from the video (yes I’m autistic and so is he)! That guy I was with turned out to be totally insane :) loved this video and you look super cool too hehe
Thank you so much for being here and posting. This is quite entertaining and educational.
Thank you so much, Tiffany! I’m so glad you liked it 😊
I just got diagnosed this year in March. My sister had to tell me that past experiences were trauma including telling me that I was bullied by my teachers. I had NEVER been told that before and I always felt stupid for feeling so horrible about these past experiences when I was actually autistic and was ostracized by classmates and teachers. I did EMDR a while ago but never thought of these experiences as trauma so I never brought them up. Highly recommend EMDR by the way. Really helps with the effects of trauma. I’ll probably be doing more EMDR for things like this. 😢
Edit: I’m also in the process of figuring out if I’m Bi or Ace because I’m ok with some intimacy but I also don’t feel like I absolutely require it either. I’ve been in intimate relationships before but I typically don’t like hugs (with exceptions for family or certain situations). Also, I grew up in a home with interpersonal violence until I was about 3. I ended up with my mom and she helped get me and my sister in therapy though I didn’t care when I was first introduced. Funny enough, I ended up becoming a Social Worker and work in the mental health field. It’s possible for autistic people to do what they would like with their lives! It just might mean getting different supports and changing the environment. I was lucky to get accommodions for school. Love this video and channel.
I do think unless someone is a part of another marginalized group the type of "unlovable" feeling autistic ppl face due to prejudice is p different than non autistic people, especially now that we know allistics can pretty reliably statistically sus us out as "odd" even if they're not actively thinking we are autistic
Yes, I think you're right, unfortunately!
I call it being on the island of misfit toys. One of my big special interest is the occult and Satan in particular. That usually does not attract your rank and file person.
I need other nerds who are into sci-fi books and electronic music, robots, tattoos and fun clothes. Not to many people want to be that free spirited when they are over 50. So, I sit on the shore looking for boats .
Yes, but it seems impossible. I would like to just meet one person I feel I have a mental connection with that just accepts me for who I am. Physical intimacy would be nice too but without a mental connection I feel no connection or attraction.
10:00
Yeah, that kinda was my case.
I was diagnosed a year ago, at 31 years old.
Months later, my trans egg also cracked.
My parents never showed me much affection, and even my mon's hugs, somehw, feel like hygs from a badly programmed industrial robot.
My dad spent all my life insulting me for being weird or "not normal", and tried to train and condition me into acting like he thought I should.
It was a constant stream of complaints "walk straighter", "don't swing your arms like that", "look me in the eyes", "stop talking about nerd shit nobody cares about", "eat slower".
And every time my mom tried to "help" me with anything it was so irritating, like she was trying to insult or humiliate me. Later I found out I have some sort of aversion to charisma...?
Will discuss that with my new therapist tomorrow, the old one never even understood what the problem was with that.
Aversion to charisma, hmm interesting. Well good luck in therapy
@@heedmydemands Well, I don't know how to describe it.
It's s tha whenever I hear someone use emotional manipulation tehniques or the type of speechcraft intended to sway people's opinions on debates, I feel personally attacked.
It's a knee-jerk reaction of "get your fingers off my brain"
No matter if it's directed to someone else, or they were using it for something positive or meaningless.
And there's people who just use it all the time, without being aware of it, ammong them my mom and one of my cousins.
I can know intellectually that they don't want to screw me over, we're just talking about gossip, but they open their mouth and I hear Kent Hovind selling me a pyramid scheme with a side of kool-aid.
On the plus side, I'm imune to salesmen and cult leaders🥳
@@ampeyro well that's a win for sure, immunity to cult leaders and salesman. Yeah I might b a bit put off or maybe just it gets my guard up if I notice I'm being sweet talked
@@ampeyroOMG I hate creationists too... So much so that it is actually disruptive to my everyday life!
I just want to say that your channel really makes me feel seen. Thanks a lot!
I have just started dating someone. He has ADHD, but he does still find my autism hard to deal with, and that makes me really nervous at the idea of being in an actual relationship with him. Despite that I have fallen in love with him extremely quickly, and it is super difficult as it is quite clear he doesn't feel as strongly towards me whereas I regularly tell him how I feel about him. I have been in relationships in the past where my feelings for that person have really clouded me, and it makes me feel super vulnerable going into dating. I really care about him, but I feel like I am having a constant argument with myself about whether I should let him in. I am super talkative, and have literally no filter, so I worry that I open up too much.
I actually feel really similar to you in this way. I have a hard time not telling someone I like, how much I like them! My filter goes out the window and I have to really try hard to keep healthy boundaries so it’s not too much for them.
Immediate reaction to the video title, in terms of my own experience: emotional intimacy, yes; physical intimacy, not really.
Thank you so much for sharing!! 🥰
As an autistic person, I find the way society says love should be weird. Like they just combine sexual, romantic, and aesthetic attraction into one. I think I experience all of those but usually not for the same people, that would be ridiculous lol.
Sex ≠ intimacy
your comment about good parents being so helpful really resonated with me. Of course they could have been a bit better, maybe if they had understood I was an autistic child I could have gotten better support. But they were loving and supportive and I don't know if I would have made it without them.
I managed to scroll through _all_ the comments just to find an ND person like me, to no avail 😭💔. I'm asexual & very likely ND, but I crave physical intimacy. I hate when ppl reduce that to just sex. It's not.
I fantasize almost every day (it doesn't interfere in my life) about hugging, hand-holding, cuddling, snuggling, hair combing, squeezing, biting, nibbling, gnawing on, etc my future partner. Idc if the latter isn't seen as affectionate 😂. I'm very much touch starved & that's my love language. I have like, the opposite of a sensory issue, where I'm *hypo* sensitive and need more stimulation.
I'm starting to realise I romantically gravitate towards ND men & women, but it's so common to hear ppl on the spectrum talk about how much they hate touch and that worries me. I totally get not needing sex, but outside of that I'm needy. I think I have fear of rejection too bc my family used to also pull away from my affection.
I'm also a contrarian in that it takes forever for me to actually "fall in love" (I think I've never been through that). I relate to the term demisexual, since as a kid I often marveled at fictional pairings marrying after mere weeks of knowing each other. I can count on half a hand how many "crushes" I've had, but the emotions were short-lived & not intense. I tend to be logical in my approach. Having said all this, if my only shot at a relationship filled with mutual tactile desire is with a neurotypical ace, I'm afraid I'll have to jump ship.
I think I’m audhd, I’m asexual, and I absolutely want physical intimacy in a romantic relationship. Lots of people exist. I hope you find someone who works for you and vice versa.
@@sludgemuffin2447 Thank you, same to you!
I’m 24, autistic, hyper sexual, and a hopeless romantic. However, I don’t really like physical contact. I read a lot of fanfics, which helps
I am a thinking introvert too. I love going to a cafe and studying people. I also enjoy going to a musical performance alone and focusing 100% on the performance without being distracted by small talk. As a person who loves art,crafts, photography, music and research on the internet, I also love time at home. I don’t have many friends but the ones I have really know me well. I work in a factory and most times I can work alone. Luckily my work colleagues also know me well so if I have to work in a team, they understand that I’m very quiet. Thank you Dr Ramani for explaining the four types of introvert. Lots of love from the UK ❤️
I use to not have to mask at home until my mom got with a step father for several years. I never had any chance through out my teens and half of my early twenties to recharge it. I only had one opportunity when I went away for a job in Hong Kong for 6 months and that wasn’t enough to recharge. It was all the constant masking and more I was always forced to do around him and increasingly, other members of my family like my brother. A year ago, I had started getting really bad headaches. Even with him gone after the new year started, I still feel the need to do this and still have these headaches.
How old r u? Did u ever try talking about it with your mom? I'm so sorry. I hope u can find a way to ease the strain on yourself
@@heedmydemands I am 23. I have told my mom about the masking, but never the headaches. Thank you.
@@SS-yj2le good luck
Don't worry about not passing it on. Your neurotypical relatives with kids, and you, have (or rather, it's a statistically justifiable assumption I think) had kids with an above average polygenic predictive score... but also, the genetic factors that contribute to autism are so widespread in the genome and numerous and just generally prevalent and most of them each have teeny weeny (by genetics standards at least) effects. I think autism is a word we've used to describe a phenomenon that's just a region of the evolved probability distribution of human neurology, associated with particular traits in social behaviour (many of which the dominant culture claims to value) and in sensory perception, that also make us vulnerable to forms of trauma that, under usual circumstances*, only we experience, such as the combination of overstimulation, and being often inadvertently gaslit about it by well-meaning and/or ignorant neurotypicals... Genetics are involved, but not in a way like you could have for eye colour. Actually just in general this is why eugenics and selective animal breeding doesn't have good results; any change in a measured phenotypic trait will have a knock-on effect on much more complex traits, and these effects will typically be what I'd call entropic - increasing the total randomness in the 'open dynamic system' that is an individual organism, thus reducing the precision with which a member of the newest generation resembles (in whole-genome terms, not just the target trait) members of the naturally-evolved generation that was the first to be selectively bred - and therefore leads mostly to a generalised deterioration across all those massively-polygenic traits. Eugenic thinking does all sorts of other harm, especially in the process of being implemented (i.e. human rights violations, promotion of bigotry...), and we as autistics/neurodivergents etc need to be wary of that possibility, but there's probably, imo, no feasible way a eugenic policy could actually prevent autism, and certainly not without serious negative consequences across the entire phenotype. So eugenicists actually can't 'win' on this front.
*usual circumstances being, abelist design of literally everything, e.g. fairly ubiquitously, spaces where children socialise are acoustic and visual hell for anyone prone to overstimulation.
We’re a family of 5 and we’re all autistic. My kids are brilliant, my husband is brilliant! Sure we face challenges/have issues but I don’t think we are the problem. We see the world in a way I wish everyone had a chance to experience.
I’m not diagnosed, but I am wondering if I’m autistic and adhd, and your videos help so much! I relate a lot to autistics, and I feel seen(understood might be a better word) while watching you videos or neurodivergent youtubers(and TikTok’s) In this video at 19:07 I was like “oh my goodness that’s what it could be???” Cuz sometimes I’ll be ok with my friends hugging me or like touching my hair, then other times I’m like “woah I don’t like thisssss maybe later-“ cuz it can be so uncomfortable but other times it’s so nice! Thanks for making this video! :D
As an autistic woman love and intimacy for me is pretty much like ‘normal’ people.
I originally went to therapy for childhood trauma, discovered I had CPTSD then a few years into therapy at the age of 46 I was diagnosed as being Autistic. It had been a wild ride. One of the things that has been an issue as been sex. But I am grateful to have a partner who is understanding and patient. But 46 years of not knowing I was Autistic is ...a struggle. lol
this kind of gives me hope but I feel like I'm a stage where I couldn't even trust someone to love me
I’m 66 self diagnosed. Currently divorced almost 6 yrs now.
Sorry about your divorce. It’s hard at our age. I’m just about 62, just received an AuDHD diagnosis, but my marriage has been struggling for years and it’s finally disintegrating. I’m understanding myself better but it’s too damned late. Maybe it always was.
My 19yo autistic butt is going to answer these questions!!!
1)I fell in love quickly.
Yes, but also no. I have very strong feelings towards people I like, romantically or platonically. So I 'loved' my partner very soon, but in a platonic way if that makes sense. I use the word 'love' a lot because I feel more than the word 'friendship' contains, either romantically or platonically. It changes per person.
2) My partner wants more physical intimacy than me.
Nope, we're pretty much 50/50. We like physical intimacy the same and we like to hug each other. We both have moments where we don't want that and we can accept that. About the NSFW stuff, again about 50/50. S3x is nice, but sometimes I don't want to, and sometimes they don't want to do it. It's fine.
I do have no-touch-zones that nobody can touch. It is my shoulders, don't touch them.
3) I was nervous to join this relationship.
Yeah, I was scared that they were going to get bored of me soon and that they were going to hurt me. We've been together been 2018 so I have been proven wrong.
4) I want kids on the spectrum
No, I don't want children and if I would want them I wouldn't want to put them through all the pain I went through because of how people reacted to my autism
5) I have felt difficult to love
Yes, I know what my personality is like and I know people don’t like me. I never had many friends and at the moment I have three friends (including my partner). I still feel unlovable since I have very bad qualities and I am a bad person.
I'm also 19 and autistic, and I suppose we'll make a chain of responses.
1) I honestly don't know what that means. I simply don't understand the concept of falling in love at all. I understand caring about someone and having friends, but I honestly don't get how relationships are different.
2) I'm not a huge fan of the idea of sex, especially since our society likes to treat it as a commodity or one-night thing. It's not personally applicable, though.
3) N/A
4) I wouldn't mind, but I don't want them to struggle with it.
5) I know I am. I've been told this constantly, not just with love but with friendships in general. It's just hard to keep something like that maintained for me.
@@ccedev you’re lovable :)
@@fennaknaepen9906 You were right. I just found someone. Thank you for being confident.
@@ccedev I’m so happy you found someone !!
Thank you for touching upon that topic so sensitively! I really enjoyed watching and can relate to many experiences. Almost smiling the entire time 🥰
One time I was laying my head down cuz I was tired and didn't really care bc I was paying attention and everything then the teacher called on me to answer a question thinking I was asleep or something and I just answered instantly (and correctly) and they left me alone the rest of the class lol
I definitely am more on the asexual side, and just plain don't get the appeal....I would love to be in a relationship with no sex. Just like a G rated, Hallmark style partnership lol. Fact is, I truly believe sex IS overrated, and it was never meant to be used as this recreational sport in the manner it is these days, with the rise of porn. It's quite sick, and the majority of people are feeling the negative effects of that. It's simply fact. We are over sexualised. Monks had the right idea encouraging people to experience what it's like not having it, and not missing it. It is VERY hard for me to feel interested, or attracted to someone. When I feel that way, it also doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. I just want to BE with them, share life. But I still need to find them attractive, even though I don't want to sleep with them. I feel romance, but very little interest in sex.
I am on the spectrum and for me, I find a disconnect between sex and love. Don't get me wrong, sex is great but I have got to be very turned on to go there with another person. I prefer porn and my own fantasy life to get that physical release.
As far as love goes, if I really fall hard over time, it's gonna be with someone very odd. They also need to have obsessions that take up a lot of time. I want my own cave in our home and only want to be around them when we are both available for planned fun (going out, making supper ect.).
Also, I have a touch rule. If I am super attracted to someone, I refrain from touching them. I can touch anyone else, hug them or make eye contact, but the person I desire won't even get a handshake. When we finally do touch, we will need to find a room right away. It just explodes into kissing, smelling and hair pulling ect.
Quite a few of my family members are autistic, including my self.
My father, and my uncles and aunts have been in-and out of numerous relationships. And have had kids with multiple partners.
I’ve noticed they all struggle to stay in a long term relationship. As well as my self.
Right now I’ve been together with my partner for over a year. And we’ve been living together for almost a year too.
All my dad wants is love but he can’t connect with anyone… it hurts my heart to see.
Undiagnosed but strongly think I’m neurodivergent. In school, asexual and not interested in romantic relationships. My first sexual relationship at 21 years old was super awkward and I was not impressed. But then I became enamored with a man who seemed to always have an opinion about things and knew what he wanted. So it was easy to try to be what he wanted, but never caring about how I felt. It was 8years of toxicity and drug addiction before he passed away. I survived and now with my husband who supports me as I am.
I get anxiety if my husband tries to hold my head or neck for a kiss. But we’ve come to the agreement that butts are fair game! I love a good goosing and I love poking my husbands bum. It’s our love language.
My son definitely shows some neurodivergence with sensory sensitivity and dyspraxia but very empathetic and so smart. He likes to break out in song instead of conversing. It’s lovely
10:01. Yes, I had a terrible childhood and was undiagnosed until last year. I’m glad I have this community now, it makes me feel more seen then ever.
For me,On the spectrum it is the opposite. i have always had a hard time with social cues and found out that after crossing the point of consent i always felt so much easier to connect with peoples physically. Like this set of codes is so much easier to translate than other body language, eye contact, subtext within a conversation etc. Like it is another set of codes within which it is much more honest...
I'm autistic and have always known I was a lesbian since I was like 12. However while I would literally die to have a girlfriend I'm a bit icky about mouth contact so scissoring and fingering are probably the only 2 types of sexual contact I can feel comfortable with.
Also all the girls I've been attracted to are animated characters from movies and video games *cough*LUISA*cough* *cough*NEMONA*cough* so I can proudly say, "Yes I'm a lesbian but all my girl crushes are fictional!" xDD
Same here. I'm too scared/wimpy to go out and be somebody's GF. I have a ton of internalized ableism, so I feel like I would be undesirable and have to square my masking. I'm just frightened dying alone. 😢
I love being in my realitionship, but I am always convincing myself when it comes to sex. I have past trauma relating to sex, and I feel like I don't have enough control, and I get overestimulated. Its tough, but i internally fight myself to do it
The guy I am dating wants kids and his friends regularly remind me about that. I have always been really against the idea of having kids because my autism has caused me so many issues. I am now dealing with the issue too that I might possibly have ADHD too, and the guy I am dating has been diagnosed with ADHD, so I am like 'please, I don't want to make our kids suffer'. I have suggested to him adopting, but he wasn't a fan of that. It has led me to really think about whether I want to be in the relationship as it feels like a lot of pressure being placed on me. Just to clarify, he isn't the one putting the pressure on. He was okay with me saying that I wanted to wait a couple of years to get comfortable with us first, and then I would be willing to review my outlook. Its his friends that are the problem. I need to bring it up with him at some point, but we only talk privately on a call once a month due to our work schedules, so it has been super rough dealing with all this anxiety in the meantime.
Don't let anyone pressure you into having kids, it wouldn't be fair on anyone, especially you, if you had kids and then couldn't stand having them around. If they don't respect your decision then they definitely don't respect you as a person
This was an enlightening one, and I’m so thankful for your videos! It’s been helpful in my understanding of myself but also in my relationship
14:55 Literally my exact thoughts when they said "join a relationship". But even in polygamic relationships you still establish a new joint relationship rather than join the existing one.
"oh no I don't wanna get banned from the relationship"
like, these kind of questions bro 💀 them mfs talk like we're joining a cult
Touch and hugs were my coping mechanism for how scary I felt the world is. Obviously if it is someone I want to hug then I wish they'd never let go.
You're telling me I can't just eat strawberries and listen to S- Pop and have a girl? 😂
I'm confused by the first one he didn't say autistic people don't have sex just that it's overrated in his opinion
I find it so weird that there is a stereotype of Autistic people having no empathy like wtf!
I'm autistic and have a very high sex drive, and fall deeply in love. But I've learned it's easy for women to play me and and manipulate me. Modern dating seems to be a game where whoever is the most manipulative is the one who wins. I want intimacy but I don't want to play a rigged game that rewards terrible behavior.
I have taken two quizes today. The first was for alexithymia. I scored 115. This clarrified some things for me.
While watching this video. I paused and took the CAT - Q and scored 128. I would have scored higher had i taken this when i was much younger. I am fifty-two now. Over the past couple of years, i have been slowly demasking, though I called the process "Not Giving A Sh!t Anymore." I am tired of trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. As far as the score goes, I honestly don't know what it means. I have always felt socially awkward and full of anxiety or discomfort in social situations. Excpet when i was making super well. Now, i am not so sure it is anxiety as much as a lack of interest. I have zero interest in small talk and gossip, which is what most people seem to care about. Also, image. I just don't care to uphold a particular image anymore, just so people will like me. It's exhausting, expensive, time consuming, and incredibly disrespectful to myself. I also am not interested in group activities like partying and going to church functions.
As for the questions in this video...
I did fall in love quickly. Too quickly. I say too quickly because i often ended up with partners who later felt abusive, neglectful, sexually violating and demanding, controlling, and cruel. I always hated to admit how great it felt to be liked by someone. This absence of affection led me into some dangerous and painful traps. There was always that intial phase of romatisizing, "love bombing", and fawning that made me susceptible to narcissistic types. The love bombing i am talking about here is not the same as the manipulative love bombing of a narcissist in their grooming tool kit. I felt a strong sort of puppy love. I believed they could do no wrong. They were just so wonderful. In the beginning. I suppose that is the best way to describe it. A few partners felt uncomfortable because they didn’t feel worthy of love and certainly didn't believe i could actually love them in such a short amount of time. I was desperate to prove my love. To keep their interest and affection, inallowed them to mold me into their perfect partner. For as long as i could manage, anyway.
For all my relationships but one, sex was on fire in the beginning .
Sex is a huge topic, so i will avoid dropping a book.
What i will say is this. I have to feel emotionally bonded to my partner to want sex. This means that if my partner begins treating me poorly, or even treats others poorly, my attraction and desire for intimacy will lessen or disappear. This is one element. I also hate being manhandled and put on display in a compromising way. The more this happened, the more cold i became. Sex was also a chore. I have had to work real hard to get what i needed because the majority of my partners were lazy and selfish. Some threw tantrums in the middle of sex when i'd offer to show them what i needed and explained what i didn’t like. One partner actually told me that he had no interest in becoming a good lover because he wouldn’t be able to enjoy sex anymore. Sex with him almost always felt like rape. The last physical contact was actual rape.
What i enjoy more than sex is intimacy. Sex is not intimacy unless both parties are vulnerable and emotionally involved with one another. I want the hugs, the hand holding, and the cuddles. I do not like light touches or monotonous and mindless stroking of one area. I'd rather not be touched. However, the men in my life considered such intimacy as foreplay and always tried to take me where i didn't want to go. There were always unfavorable names attached this lack of desire.
I discovered today that i am demisexual, pansexual, but also currently under the asexual umbrella. This may be partly due to abuse and menopause. However, when i think back to my first sexual relationship, i realized that i didn’t enjoy intercourse. One of my major maskings as an adult forced me into a role of enjoying sex. Men, in my experience, were only interested in women who would have sex. They were not beneath threatening to leave me for someone less frigid. Someone more willing to accept their love. So i learned to equate sex with love, even when it felt nothing like love. The only way i could do continue having sex was by teaching partners, and also by taking charge of my own pleasure. Sex was exhausting, not always in a good way.
Most of the sex I have had left me feeling used and gross. I came up with a term, not understanding the masking i was engaging in, which was "self-inflicted rape." I had to force myself to have sex with people so they would continue to like me and not abandon me for someone more willing.
I always felt nervous about entering a relationship. Masks became less reliable. Triggers and vulnerabilities were more difficult to hide. This leads to that final question on being difficult to love. I have always felt that i was. I still believe that i am. The majority of people misunderstand and misinterpret things I say and do. They don't want to be correctecd. In addition, I have full blown meltdowns that i can't control that leave me feeling embarrassed. Sometimes stupid, or even petty. I am more direct and honest than a lot of people who only appreciate this side of me when not directed at them. When, inevitably it was turned on them, the relationships and friendships came to an end.
As for children on the spectrum, i never wanted kids. I didn't have any. Even though i have grown to love what makes me different, I would have a difficult time watching a child of mine going through the bullying, the relentless teasing, and ostracizing that I have experienced throughout my entire life.
I autistic, late diagnosed and was diagnosed while in a long term relationship. He grew distant. I’ve always had the sex stuff down and I found neurotypicals aren’t as into sex or don’t relate sex with intimacy the way I do.
Does anyone else get it confused if you really like someone or just like yourself around someone? I think I’m only now realizing that I’m the entertaining one and the catch. It’s took me almost 40 years to get some self confidence. Or maybe it’s a defense mechanism because I’m used to being rejected or people not liking me back. 😅. But I think I’m usually the one putting in all the effort. And just realizing it.
I also am uncomfortable initiating things because of misogyny and patriarchal neurotypical expectations. Women are often shown as being old and desperate if we show affection first or say anything first. I’m so afraid of pushing someone away. I almost always need affection and almost always don’t get it unless I have a sexual relationship with someone. Probably why I relate sex with intimacy. I feel like that’s the only way I get a hug.
The kids question was dumb, because a lot of people just don’t want ANY kids. 😅. I would actually want a kid on the spectrum and I think neurotypicals are illogical and mean for the most part. (There are some okay one, but they all bond through gossiping). But I also just don’t think I want ANY kids. Also, I would choose for others not to have neurotypical kids if they will continue to exclude and bully neurodivergent people.
Yes its the same for me. Everything is confusing and my past relationships were unbalanced and very traumatizing. Im done with relationships.
I’m late diagnosed and my upbringing was not good. Let’s just say lots of alcoholism and emotional neglect and no affection. And my dad hit me and mocked and bullied me a lot. Even at school it happened. I still mask around my family to this day. And I still live with them. Thankfully my mom has supported me and has had my back.
Watching your videos is so relaxing and wonderful. I learn a lot and you make me smile, thank you
3:52
I’m very much in agreement of valuing someone’s personality more than someone’s appearance. For romantic attraction, there of course needs to be physical attraction, but the most attractive things people are all sorts of variations of just being kind and overall good people.
the medium answer is HELL YES, but we can't due to our social deficientcy (for most of us), or as said, can't handle the touch stimulus of this activity (from others), and as we have DIFFICULTY making friends...... how the hell are we meant to "understand" the opposite sex, esp. enough to progress in ANY form of relationship.
We do sometimes need this stimulation (like any human would) as we are subjected to the same desire, and hormonal change that 'normal' teens and adults are, and sometimes this is also a 'stress releaf' for us, we still desire people, INTERNALLY, we just can't act on it!, and this also applies to the ubiquidous "valentines day"!- we hate it, with passion, as this shows us to our face, exactly what we CANT do, and makes us feel depressed!!
Both me and my partner are autistic and when it comes to like physical touch were almost on opposite sides of the spectrum. They don’t really like cuddling or holding hands or anything too much, but I would like happily jump into their clothes with them. We both compromise and make room for each-others sensory needs. Whenever I stay over almost always I get maybe 15-30mins if cuddles before we go to sleep and they let me keep like one point of contact as we sleep if my anxiety is high, I tend to hold onto the back of their shirt or something. Also in their room there’s a little space down the side of the bed with pillows blankets and plush so I can essentially cuddle myself up and get a similar cuddle sensation. It’s not quite the same but it kinda works. I’ll probably get a weighted blanket to go in my corner and that’ll be more effective.
Edit: I would also like to note that like my partner gives me more attention than just 30mins before bed. Throughout the day they’ll give me like little kisses or head pats and like little touches like a little thigh rub while I’m working on the laptop next to them.
I just thought it sounded like they didn’t fulfil my needs the rest of the time.
And there are days where they also feel cuddly in which case I might get multiple cuddles in a day. And usually I get a lot more in the winter because I’m always cold. But right now it’s like super hot summer and even i haven’t been super cuddly just because it’s wayyyyy too hot and I don’t like getting sweaty.
I’m one of those autistic people who it isn’t obvious so never quite got it right in relationships
I know deep down if they are a good person they won’t care but I still can’t get over that fear of rejection
I can't blame you, and unfortunately, even if they are, they can change over time. My wife was a much better person before we got married and she just kind of flipped out. It pretty much destroyed her as she isn't willing to accept that she can't just bully me into being somebody that I'm not and basically expects that I'll mask all the time and that's not me. I mask at work because I don't really have much choice, so I don't think I should be expected to do so at home as well.
That being said, I do think that there is somebody out there for me, but it may be easier to find somebody that doesn't live anywhere near you. The longest relationship I had previously, was mostly over text messages and emoticons and I really wish she hadn't had the integrity to admit that she probably wasn't going to be able to give me that time that I deserved.
I can totally relate to the "I know I need a wee..." thing. XD
As an autistic my feelings on sex are odd I think. I do not at all really crave sex and if I didn’t have my partner’s wants and needs to consider I would probably never think about doing it. That being said, I am not uncomfortable with the sensory experience, in fact I like it for the most part, otherwise I would not engage in it at all. But it’s a lot to go through too frequently so I don’t like having to think about it or engage in it more than once a week on average. So I still hold the position that on a personal level I genuinely do NOT need it and I never have.
You sound to be a sex positive asexual.
Jubilee should have had an autistic person write the questions.
I honestly felt pretty ambivalent about a lot of them, like a lot of the questions could potentially be asking multiple different things depending on how you think about it. I probably would have spent a good amount of time just standing in the middle.
Watching this and video where you were talking about your relationship, it seems like you are definition new age terminology of a twin flame couple.
I don't like that term necessarily because it seems a bit of level thinking about soulmate connections but you seem to complete each other in compassionate way and you both are very thoughtful of each other. I have forgot what it was like when someone would see me as I am and not means to an end or purely as an object.
I'm male and had a similar experience, it was only picked up on that I have autistic traits because my niece (and later on, my nephew too) was getting diagnosed and my mother was involved in support for the appointments, etc. I got diagnosed at 27 in the end.
growing up In an abusive home both physical and mental. It's VERY hard for me to trust poeple and accept physical touch, even compliment or gifts....any sort of love language other than quality time. Im hyper empathetic, so getting into a relationship is very difficult, especially after being in several toxic relationships. intercourse is a 50/50 but my libido isn't as high when I was with my partners. I know the since I have hyper empathy, I know that my partner will never care as much as I do...its crushing to think about but not everyone operates that way and it took me a VERY long time to realise, so I just stay single, to protect my mental and emotional health.
I’m 51 and autistic and asexual. I find it just gross and exhausting.
I was married 30 years to a toxic sex addict and it was really difficult to deal with.
I wouldn’t mind a relationship with someone.
I just don’t ever want sex again.
I'm so sorry that you went through that 😩💛
I'm not sure I'm autistic (hi, I just fell into the rabbit hole) but I've always thought "the game" had too many confusing rules. Nonetheless, I tried to play because I thought... I had to. But since I was never "good" at it, I eventually gave up. Even when people tried to help explain to me where I messed up, I couldn't understand why it would be wrong to "show interest early on" and it would be frustrating to hold back on my impulses. When I couldn't hold back, I'd embarrass myself. When I could, I'd lose interest. Either I would actively distract myself with something else, or I would convince myself I didn't care, and I'd get so good at it that I moved on by myself. I got so tired of this dissatisfaction that the thought of going back to trying to date kind of repulses me now... It's so much more satisfying reading romantic fiction, where I kind of know how the story ends.
23:00 i fully agree. I am 23, and my first response was ‘somewhat disagree’ for that exact reason. However, i like to use a different analogy. It is like if i was black, that i would wish my child to be white in the Netherlands, not because i think black or white, or neurotypical or neurodiverse are good or bad none of that debate. I do recognise however that a life as a white, neurotypical, male is just easier. Anything different from the norm at birth will be reason to anxiety later.
I hope however that in 20 years, with what your doing, and what youtube is doing, and with more change that isn’t the case anymore, but society doesn’t like to change if it isn’t the majority (in a democracy)
Why my husband who is borderline autistic loves me is because one he loves who I am, how I do hide who I am and he loves my looks, how I listen and love to care for him, how we can have fun together, he also loves how we can not demand each other to do things easy. I am introverted and he is extroverted and I remember he said to people before we got married he is so happy he found a autistic person to merry because they get me way more then the normal person which is so sweet❤❤❤
OMG I strongly relate to the “struggles to say I love you but reads love poems on stage”. Like when I say the three words I want them to really mean something, but at the same time I’ll totally write a song about a special someone and be okay preforming it in stage (if they’re okay with it too)
I'm in a difficult situation where it feels like I'm in a rare group of people that don't care at all about romantic relationships or getting married, but at the same time have a strong sex drive. Being autistic I'm scared of trying to "go out" and navigate the social landscape in order to find partners who also want a physical relationship. I feel the majority of people that are "nice and not abusive" are also the ones who want to take things slowly and go on dates first (because they ultimately want to find a romantic partner).
This put a smile on face because i can relate in a lot of ways. I prefer to be a little direct even though i might be awkward about it. Much like Chai!! But i had a hard time with dating because of the games people play. I have a hard time with intimacy, i want it, but am afraid of it. I try to tell people I have autism to begin with, but sometimes people don’t understand. The last girl i tried talking to didn’t end so well. I try not to fall in love so fast because the rejection does hurt. This video gave me some hope to just be myself again.
talking about how your strengths balance eachother out and how you dont think you could be with an extravert was interesting because im autistic and my boyfriend is a NT extravert which is great because he can take the lead in uncomfortable social situations 😂 hes still very supportive and understanding of my needs and when i want alone time to focus on my special interests he is happy to just go out with his friends and leave me to it 🥰 before dating him i would have had the same mindset about dating an extravert but it honestly is the best thing ever
Thank you for this great video!