Ditto that! Such a good message, FJ. It is nice to know we aren't this way because we are crazy, and it is nice to have a strategy in this all-too-common scenario.
Be brave fellow INFJs ... it is okay to be you. Completion not perfection. Just because you are good at something, does not mean you have to do it. --- Follow your intuition and take your brain with you. I fought for my right to go to University and have never regretted it. I did not wait for others' approval because their opinions did not match my goals and dreams. I let others catch up with me. Surprisingly, some will catch up decades later and statistically a significant many did not. --- Today I live my dream life with my spouse who I met that first semester in University (we married 19 years later). Time is precious ... live today!
" completion not perfection" & "Just because you're good at something does not mean you have to do it"... I absolutely love your quotes. I will take that in my spirit. It truly speaks to me. I was led to read this . Thank you, thank you. ♥️
When an INFJ gets older they realize that NO ONE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS. Then they figure out they NEED to trust themselves instead. It's a Ti NO BRAINER Or do I mean Ti BRAINER??? Help ! I think too much and I can't get up!
Samesies. I thought the world was this big super organised sophisticated network of people who knew more than me. I often stop and smile. Like this evening and realised it again just before i watched this video.
This is so accurate it hurts. Even when I try to 'stand up' for myself, I end up letting them say what they want and keep what I think to myself because I *know* what's best *for me* ... "sort of".
Frank, I miss these types of videos from you, man. Your new scripted stuff is great, super funny, but I miss your heart-felt messages. This is where I'm at in my life right now, thanks for sharing.
I feel that when you're INFJ and have the courage to take a decision without consulting everybody, it is not only the need for validation that makes things harder but also the fear of failure/rejection. We let others question so much our decisions that we became insecure if our decisions are right/wrong.
Kind of ironic how everyone in the comments (including me) already knew that they need to follow their own decisions more often, and to stop looking for approval from others, but your video provided the approval they needed in order to realize that they can actually start applying this concept into their lives. Thanks for the video FJ! Was definitely very accurate for a lot of us here ✌️
I've been watching your videos for a few weeks, and I've been finding them really great. You're the first INFJ UA-camr that I've actually fully understood the perspective of. This video couldn't have come at a better time for me and has made me realise how much I am still allowing Fe to affect my decision making in this negative sense.
Im fully realiting with you 😊, I have same feeling listening to Frank, I even tried with a few other UA-camrs but after moment Im just switching vids off 😅
I wish I would have found this channel sooner. You make a difference in the world, people need to hear this. It took me 35 years to follow my own mind, because I felt selfish and didn't trust myself. Thanks again!
These INFJ videos are changing my life... I have been struggling with this particular validation seeking for years without a way to put it into words. Thank you Frank. Now I know what I can try to work on.
I’m not an INFJ but I went through something similar and I didn’t follow my dreams for a long time. Now I’m playing catch-up. In the end, honey, it’s your life, and it’s finite. Go after your dreams, baby. Do what makes you happy. I think there’s a lot of us out there who enjoy seeing your happiness, Frank. Your friend, the pumpkin, doesn’t say much to dissuade you from your dreams. He’s a good friend. 💖
Ugh, the identity thing. I remember people telling me in high school that I didn’t know who I was but I felt that deep in my core, I did/do. I would ask people’s advice because I like to be well informed and “collect” the various ways of looking at the issue. I like to hear if I have any blind spots because I value constructive feedback. Also, we have many layers to our personality and we show those layers over a lifetime which means to an outsider it feels like we are always changing, evolving, or “coming into our identity” but we’ve always known intuitively who we are. Most of the time I think we are assessing where we fit in the quest of looking for “my tribe”. Further, people didn’t take a deep interest in getting to know my identity because I spent a lot of time asking them questions to get to know the ins and outs of who they are. They were so distracted and indulged by the undivided attention I was giving them that they didn’t take the time to return the interest. It seems people look to those questions from us as opportunities to tear us down but in my head it was, “You don’t know me! I’ve got layers you’ve never seen.” 😆 Even if I couldn’t voice it. I think we were easy targets for people with low self-esteem. We keep our identity for ourselves until it’s safe to come out because when we do put ourselves out there it brings out a lot of ugly in people and who wants to see all of that? If I say a counter opinion to a controversial debate, yeah, I’m putting myself out there but if it attracts some person yelling at my opinion in return... no thanks. I’ll just pretend to not have an opinion. It doesn’t change who I am I just don’t wear who I am on my sleeve like a lot of other types do. It’s a mistake for people to assume we don’t know ourselves just because we like to take the time to get to know others, the world around us, and ourselves in said world.
Well Frank, by George , I do believe you have disclosed a critical issue here. You have addressed a hard truth. If you are someone this resonates with, do yourself a favor and listen to the man! This is valuable information. Frank words frank spoke to play over in your head until they become part of your dna are, “YOU ARE ENOUGH!.” Here’s two more words from The Word. They are, “Be Still.” Listen to the inner voice. That’s your soul talking to you. I have it from the ultimate authority that you can trust the inner voice. Huge problems can be avoided by doing this. Once you let the “peanut gallery” in to your space, your Screwed! Removing them will require you to do tenfold the very thing you tried to avoid in the first place. That is, getting a backbone, developing your Ti, & taking responsibility for your future. I always wanted to believe that people are inherently decent and would not plot to see another person fail. I was wrong. Hard lessons learned. Note: Lessons is plural. And in the end, you alone reap what you sow. If I end up having to pick up the pieces, I at least want to have the satisfaction of knowing they are my pieces. Not developing your own identity will allow others to control you. This will leave you frustrated, and that negative energy turned inward is lethal. Well done Frank. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Which "Word" are you talking about? Because that quote, "Be still", comes from the word of God --- from the King James Bible which states in Psalms 46:10 - Be still, and know that I [am] God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
I think one ought to know one's identity, but even more important than that is to know the identity of the true God. Not to know about Him but to really seek God with a drive of: Who is God, really? What is His name? That's where the quote comes from. The Lord commanded the people to 1.) Be still. AND 2.) Know that *I* am God. The ultimate authority, thus, doesn't come from the self or others, but from the Creator who designed and fashioned your soul together. We are blind guides unto ourselves but God can open up our eyes and lead us as the Good Shepherd. Oh, and His name? His name is Jesus Christ! May the Lord bless you and good day!
Take advice from an infj in their early 40’s who is finally doing things for herself. I spent 35 years of my life asking everyone before I did anything. I I tuned around, looked at my life. Then realized, I helped everyone achieve their goals and dreams, but didn’t achieve my own. However, I still have lead a happy life regardless of this due to my love of helping people. But, for myself, I’ve finally started volunteering in animal rescue which is a passion of mine. Which, took me away from people in my life who were used to me always being there for them. However, I finally started doing something I valued, and absolutely loved. I had to stop due to health issues. As soon as they’re under control I’ll be right back to animal rescue work.
I feel fortunate that I lived next door to my high school's creative writing teacher. He was my ride to school in the mornings and from school many afternoons, and through conversations with him I was able to establish a sense of, "It's okay to work on the thing I really want." I feel like that has served me extremely well. I would have responded to this video, "I'm not like that! I make my decisions based on what I want!" except that my dad has illuminated to me multiple times quite the opposite. He has even, while talking to me about the strengths of my personality, talked about my tendency to actually know what I want to do, but to call upon multiple resources to confirm that my decision was good. Even my goal of working to get into grad school, which was something I had considered for years but never told anyone, didn't start to fruit until a university trumpet instructor told me, "You could really be a serious player if you wanted." Thanks for your words of encouragement as I pursue goals that seem crazy and impractical. :)
Hi Frank. Many thanks for the video and congratulations for managing to articulate these quite complex INFJ reactions in a clear way. My 2 cents about this topic is that, as an INFJ myself, I have always felt that I knew what I needed to do with my life based on my intuition. Acting upon it was however a full other story. I always discussed the decisions I intended to make with my family and friends but never could really back them up in a convincing way because they were based on things which were obvious and logical to me thanks to my INFJ intuition but that I could never really word accurately (good luck trying to explain an intuition). So I have very often avoided making the decisions I thought were right by the lack of validation I received or by buying into an alternative options that were proposed to me (I.e. “hey son why don’t you just study the law instead of psychology?”). In my early twenties, my assumption was that the ones I loved and whose opinion I respected had to know better than me because they had chosen studies or jobs and looked happy with them. I, on the other side, was very insecure with my own ideas and plans and felt so lost with my own life decisions that I could only conclude that the others I love and respect who made the right decisions for themselves HAD to know better than me. Obviously I was wrong but it took me a lot of time to get to the conclusion that I was the only one who could know what to do. The same way it took me time to learn to “trust my guts” and to follow my insights instead than the ways validated by my peers. I only discovered about MBTI and my INFJ profile in my early 30s and it was so mind blowing to realize I was not an alien and to read and hear from people going through similar situations than the ones l had encountered. I know this is a very typical “INFJ discovers he’s not alone” kind of statement but this is exactly how I felt. I’m now 35 and although I still sometimes look for validation from peers in my decision making process, I have learned and accepted that I could only rely on myself to make decisions and that I should not be scared to make decisions that no one backs-up. It has been a long and difficult process for me to learn that via my own life experience so I believe that the video you made is great as it will maybe help other INFJs facing this issue to get quicker to the conclusion that they should trust themselves to make the decisions they believe are right. So all in all, thanks for that and thanks for sharing :). Cheers.
So so true! I’ve asked myself hundreds of times in frustration why can’t I stand up for myself! Then on those rare occasions when I have stood up for something that was very important to me, I was told, why are you doing this, your always the easy going one? Thanks for explaining this.
I mean, if the pumpkin thinks we can do it then who are we to argue? I just want to put this out there for anyone struggling with this: you are peoples too; your ideas (and values) are important! If you need to picture your exact situation as if it’s happening to someone else in order to let yourself think about it, do it. My demon Ti/Fi friends make me so sad because I can see how awesome their ideas and values are but they hide it or, worse, don’t see it. Sometimes I want to shake them and yell, “STOP REJECTING YOUR AWESOMENESS! I REFUSE TO VALIDATE YOUR SELF INVALIDATION, SO THERE!”
Thank you, Frank, I needed this. I felt low today and now I understand why - people I wanted validation from were criticising me and it almost made me feel I can't do this big step (I'm learning how to code almost from scratch and want my career to go that way). I'm aware of all the things that can go wrong, but somehow it feels more threatening and so much worse if someone else says it - as if it's more important to me, so now I understand why is that and I need to change it. Your videos always cheer me up! By the way, I never comment on youtube, so you can feel proud, haha. Greetings from Czech Republic. :)
Thank you! :) I think it would be suitable for lots of INFJs, as programmers can often work remotely from home, and going everyday to work and facing all the people can be pure suffering, also I found out it can cause problems with focusing on work, when I have to talk to people or they are talking to me, it's like having to switch from one mode (being nice to people and being able to talk to them) to another (focusing on work, high productivity). It's hard for me to switch so quickly and often and also talking to those people all day takes my energy faster than working all day. :) (I guess I'm problematic individual, but I hope you fellow INFJs can relate!
Thank you so much for making this video. I've reached this point in my life that I don't even know what I want. I feel soul-less, flavor-less, and identity-less because I've always focused on what others thought and wanted more than on what I think and want. Until seeing this video, I honestly thought there was something irrevocably flawed in me because the world has little patience (if any) for INFJs. But now I understand why I've always done this, and I see how to move beyond it.
Hi! It's been a blessing to meet you. It's like you fully understand the struggles that are upon us. Sometimes I feel like I'm the richest person on earth, everything is at my reach but I struggle with the question that is am I allowed to just becouse it's right there, just because I can, and if wouldn't it be better to take a step down and help others to achieve their goals... It's like the Midas touch. I can make gold out of scrap but then I'll end up feeling more alone. My head sounds like a mother Teresa working her way into managing my abilities towards other, like it's a freaking sin to think about myself for once. I just recently got separated after 19 years and I felt absolutely lost just because I don't know myself. I spent so long shelf away somewhere that I got to be completely lost with no identity or nothing to identify myself with... My trick has been to relive the person I was before my ex and it's even not his fault, I did it to myself. And yes, it does feel like a demon always talking us down. I did therapy once and the advice I got was to put other first in order to pursuit happiness. At church I was the same but none of that made sense... I thank you with all my heart for being such a support by giving words to the feelings inside!) You're making an enormous impact in people's lives!!)
i just found your account today and i wanted to thank you like hundred thousand times because i dont know how i found your account but this was the thing i needed and after watching your infj videos i couldnt stop crying !!!! i just got answers to questions that i and everyone around me have been asking for a very long time 😭😭😭😭😭 i disconnected myself from everyone and deactivated all my social networking sites bcs everything was too much to take and even after doing all this i still felt so lost ..and a month later here i am watching your videos and finally getting the start i needed towards getting to know myself better ! i dont know if you will read this long ass word vomit or not but i genuinely wanted to thank you for making all these videos and helping lost souls like me 😭😭😭 *sending my love telepathically* hope u get it 😭✊
I did what you did, and unfortunately, not as fortunate as you, to know why did I feel really lost. And that was 4-5 years ago. I only started to know who I am, why am I being like this, like 1-2 months ago. Anw, cheer up, sis! Try to learn this 16 personalities and 4 sides of mind theories, especially about you, first. Because it works wonder to me, good luck 👍
Man, this has been the hardest thing to learn. At 25 years old, I’m finally realizing just how much I look to other people when making decisions. I’m coming off of a break up with a guy I was with for four years and I’m trying to figure out my own voice for the first time ever. Grateful for amazing content that reminds me I’m not the only one struggling with this! Thanks, FJ! You’re the man!! :)
This is exactly what I needed. I think it's really sad but true that people subconsciously do not want you to exceed for selfish reasons or maybe they're projecting their weaknesses onto you 🤷♀️even my own mother didn't think I'd succeed at a Fashion school I picked out so I settled for a cheap CNA program and it ruined my life and made me miserable. It's a hard fact of life to accept that about people but since I've started to realize that, I found that it's reason enough to start trusting my own judgement and go after the things I want. Still working on it but you're videos are helping a lot. I believe INFJs will never stop helping people so it's totally fine for us to be selfish when we need to be.
Thanks Frank for this. I really needed this. Just like you, after high school, everyone had an idea of what I should study and I followed them because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I graduated last year and now in my early 20's I've been feeling like I ought to have followed my passion in life instead. I was still being told to move a certain direction and after watching this I stood up to my parents and told them what I really wanted (I was shaking while doing this). Surprisingly my dad was like: okay it's your life! And I was like : why didn't I say this 4 years ago! Anyway I'm glad that I now have the freedom to pursue the line I want and its thanks to this video so THANK YOU!
This was immensely helpful for me to hear, thank you from the heart ♥ ♥ I've struggled with making decisions my whole life because I would always feel like I didn't have the right to assert my identity without getting other people's approval. I've always been a high achiever at school and when the time came to decide which college to go to I fell in the same old trap and did what others were expecting me to do. Now I'm getting a degree which I couldn't care less about because that's not what really fulfills me, then hopefully I'll start living my own life for the first time ever. If only I knew who I really am under all these masks...
I definitely agree! Though I've developed my thinking in a typically INFJ way... My sister is an INTJ, and I've learned logical thinking from listening to her. So sometimes I wonder if I actually am thinking for myself or just pulling a "what would my sister think?" As far as learning to stick to your guns, I highly recommend the book "Boundaries." After reading that, I went through a "toddler phase" and felt like I was saying no to everyone and everything; but now I feel that I've evened out a lot and for the better! I'm fortunate to have a family that encourages me to be the best I can be, but I've learned the hard way to ignore just about everyone else. I've had to create requirements for those who get a say in my life so I know who to listen to and who not to. I've also learned that ESTJs simply cannot understand me and I have to take any advice they give me with a giant grain of salt.
Thank you. I think I needed these words now. You know, I've been working more seriously on my Ti for a few years, but it's true when they say old habits die hard. Sometimes you have to remind certain things to yourself. These days I have to tell myself (about Ti): "You know that's the right thing to do, even if you don't feel it". Feelings are annoying sometimes. And I think you're right with people unconsciously not wanting you to succeed. They still love you, but they don't understand you at the same time. And it's unfair to be angry at them, but you have to keep a certain degree of distance from them. I hope I'm not sharing too much of my personal things, but I realized that there's someone -- who's very meaningful to me -- that's guilt-tripping me and is making me feel like I'm garbage because what I'm doing for myself -- working on my career... or the lack thereof -- is making them suffer (some sort of: "You think about yourself more than you think of me"). The thing is, they don't wanna hurt me; they just don't get it. And I've been making "big" decisions for myself for a while now, but sometimes Fe is still the bad guy and I can fall into that trap again and start feeling selfish. Sorry, I'm about to be depressing and maybe also write things that aren't fair to some people, so I'll stop here. I'm so thankful that I have some refuge in my "safe place" though. Bye, and thaks again for this video! Also, please thank your pumpkin on my behalf for believing in us.
Sorry to butt in, but it sounds like that other person is thinking about themselves more than they are thinking about you. If no one else will do it [think about you] I guess you'll have to do it yourself.
You didn't butt in, Grace! I appreciate advice (especially when it's given in a kind way). You know, that's what I wanna do. I'll be always there for that person, but I realized I need to do that from a distance. Thank you! :)
The main troublemaker while making decisions about college... those who have not been to college yet, beware of this. I was told by my parents a couple times to not be a teacher or a doctor while I was younger, and then I completely conditioned myself into this. I picked a major that seemed to fit their expectations and my academic performance, and had been working towards it for years. But when I had to finalise it, I panicked that I wouldn't be able to do my exams well, so I switched to something that seemed to be easier. (I'm telling you, college is NEVER easy. You will have many struggles even if you think you picked an easy major.) During the application process, my mom asked me if I ever thought about becoming a doctor. And now, doing a very challenging STEM major, she asked me if I considered switching to education. After all the times I was told to never do it... and then starting a sentence with "But if you really wanted that..." when I was already against it. The thing is, I have never thought about if I would be good or happy studying any of these after they told me to not do it. Luckily I recognised the pattern and now I'm trying to not let to condition myself against specialising in environmental science in grad school. Furthermore, my starter salary would be higher after finishing my bachelor's than theirs after working for 25+ years without a college degree, so I guess I can study whatever I want. Moral of the story, listen to other people's opinions, but don't make them yours. Get to know yourselves before deciding on college, know your desires, your strengths, your abilities and your weaknesses, and put these things first while making the decision. Everything else comes afterwards.
Thanks for this. I’ve been working on focusing on the meaning behind my passions. This keeps me from burning things to the ground. I just keep reminding myself that I’m on a path that I won’t let any negative thought pull me off.
While Fe is an admirable and useful process, as an INTJ I'm SO glad I seem to use Te over Fe haha. The Fe struggle seems pretty real with INFJs. I've had my own issues with my practically non-existent Fe however. Always interesting to hear the struggles of the other side.
Damnnnn when you brought up cleaning your room I felt that. I really want to eat more plant based and healthy but I feel so guilty bc maybe it's not what the other people in the house wants and I don't want to inconveniece them. So I haven't even been honest and expressed how much I want it and how motivated I am, and when I do I do it super passive agressively to protect myself for possible negative reactions. damn really made me reflect.
As an INFJ who turned more ENFJ over the years I can say this is 100% true. It's only been in the last 2 years I finally started trying to grab onto my identity and stop feeling like everyone else knows best and I don't. I used to call it the "Egor" complex, because I felt like i let everyone else rule over me. Great video explaining this, it's so refreshing to hear it's not just a codependency thing or something like that.
once again you have showed me another piece of the puzzle that is me and that is INFJ. Thank you for always explaining things so well. Thank you for being so insightful.
Everything you said is completely true! I'm in my 20's, only recently started self analyzing my identity and found that I am definitely a infj.... I found it very difficult to tell people things they don't want to hear. If I had an opinion that I truly believe in, I figured all I needed was confidence and just tell them. It does feel selfish at times because I feel so much emotion and absorbing what the other person feels, or like if I stood in their shoes I'd be like what a B**** lol.... but in a different perspective, it's good for them. Whether they want to listen or not, I am proud of myself for the courage to speak up and stand up for myself.
it's funny how he knows about that kid singing goodbye to the people who hated on me , well done frank :3... tbh i was always like this i seek for people to make a decision i need to try harder to make my own decision by my self. thank you again
I've struggled with this most of my life and it is has made it easier for toxic people to manipulate me many times. Now when I'm making a major decision I will keep it to myself so I can determine how I feel before getting anyone else's input. Its tough to hold back from sharing but I've learned that I only get more frustrated when I'm not feeling the support and validation that I'm looking for. I will give more attention to my Ti in the future, especially now that you've validated it :D
I’m seeing this video today & the timing was impeccable, regardless of age. I wish there were a way to put into words how much your words helped me. Thank you.
Thanks dear, your advice always helps me to get back to the Ti track. And maintain a balance between being emotional & rational. Thanks for helping INFJ’s
I'm having the conflict with others now in life for sure about direction and sometimes it feels like I'm not aloud to make my own decisions. I gotta stand up for myself. I would like to see a video on your thoughts about dealing with confrontational people as an infj.. if you don't have one yet. Confrontation makes me curl up and cry inside my mind.
I was too stunned to comment for a minute because you basically chronicled the early years of my life and I feel exposed! I believe I've unknowingly been able to develop this on a small scale but being called out really puts it in the forefront of my mind so I can be more aware and proactive. 🤯 This information is so crucial to my personal development which was my main reason for subscribing to your channel but I enjoy all of the content so thank you! BTW, the interview with Bo was terrific!
You dont know how helpful this was to hear. Currently living on the road out of my car vlogging on my channel and its the first time I've had to face my Ti and it's been immensely rewarding
I'm so grateful for the videos you make. I have felt stuck for so long working hard but never getting anywhere and feeling like I didn't know what I am doing wrong, so I'd retreat into my head again to try to find the answer but it became a seemingly endless loop. Now I finally know what I was doing wrong; I wasn't using all the tools my personality provides. It will be uncomfortable and require a lot of hard work, but I finally know I have the means to accomplish my goals and for me; that's enough. Thank you Frank, your work is a blessing.
Thank you. I'm stuck in Fe. Trying to please everyone else. I'm trying so hard to let myself find out what I want.. When I have known what I wanted, I did amazing.
Thank you for posting this! My dreams will be extremely difficult to achieve, and the thought of that has been disheartening for me. Especially with having a super rough year and barely passing any classes. It’s taken all I have to not just quit college and give up on everything I have such a passion for. I keep having people tell me that I should go for something more attainable, but that’s not where my heart is, and if my heart isn’t in it, then I will always feel like a failure in whatever I do. I refuse to live like that.
Hey Frank, *thumbs up* right at the core. As an INFJ who focused more on Ti (my caregivers were high Te users and Fe doesn't cut it well with them), I became more of a rebel, but I had to develop Fe later on in order to get what I want without much clashes-- the art of harmony without it being at expense of self. Great last line! Best regards, Zee
Thanks for the great videos you've been made, these videos about INFJ make me feel that I'm not alone and understood, and they also help me with some issues
I'm so glad that there is a an INFJ creator online putting out this great content. I just learned that I'm an INFJ after a friend who's well versed MBTI recognized some patterns and behaviors in me and he suggested I might be. Been doing a lot of reading about it since and I feel so seen and recognized and not so alone anymore.
When I moved 12.000km away from home, I found myself going back to my friends constantly to ask their opinion on every important decision that I was making; but It stroke me as if I couldn't sort things out on my own; as if I was seeking their approval. I then came to the realisation that it wasnt me looking for their consent, but rather their actual opinions. That's what we do as human beings, we exchange information, we look for new perspectives; almost as a sort of network. I think that deep down we know what we want, but the approval that we wait is from ourselves, we just want to check other options first; as long as they don't determine our ultimate decision but rather collaborate to it. Maybe is just a matter of perspective, idk. Loving your podcast btw.
one of the best advice ever. I'm in college, I was studying something I hated for 4 years (that's a long time when you hate your life), and I just reoriented this year. My parents knew I was going to stop what I was previously studying but they didn't know what I was going to do next. Maybe cause I didn't know myself aha, but I had postponed my decision making precisely because of that fear of their opinion. bc I knew that if I asked for their advice or even just tell them they would naturally try to change my course and control me (subconsciously). So I solved the problem by not telling them a thing until I was actually enroled and it was too late to withdraw (I'm studying languages). and now everything's working out perfectly. it wasn't even a problem cause I just said "this is what I do and you have no say about it" (which is not usual for me) so they were a bit surprised but nothing more. sometimes you think you're taking a big risk by being assertive when actually no ones cares what you do. the problems start when you ask for advice to the wrong people when you already know what you should do. so yeah, be bold
Random thought, but I like that you post at 6 AM Eastern time. Gives me things to think about while I get ready for work, other than my usual thoughts about how I despise getting up when it’s still dark outside and how I just want to go back to sleep. So thanks! I’m normally an extremely headstrong person (check that 88th percentile assertiveness score on the Big 5 💪🏻), but I turn into a helpless, validation-seeking baby every time I need to make a financial decision. It probably has to do with the fact that my Se is garbage, but either way, I definitely relate to your story about picking a college. I wanted to go to fancy private school (probably just because I read too many books where people did that), but my parents both pushed me to go to whichever state school gave me the most scholarship money. It felt like settling at the time, but I did it anyways, and I’m glad I did, because my dumbass 17-year-old self would’ve gone six figures into debt for an English/Education degree otherwise. 😂 At some point, I’ll need to develop those financial decision-making skills on my own...but I’m lazy. 👀 Fun fact: Jerry Seinfeld went to my alma mater for a semester before leaving because he hated it so much, lol. The thought of a young, miserable Seinfeld being on my college campus in middle-of-nowhere Upstate NY is eternally hilarious to me.
I really felt that. Following your heart, with the possibility of losing others along the way who are too blind to see the dreams they missed out on. I'm currently on this idea that I may be pursuing the wrong degree but also want the stability in the future. People pleasing is quite detrimental. Thank you for posting this. It was greatly needed.
watched this a few years ago. watching again now. I kept this in mind and have moved forward quite a bit. still people holding me back. this is still 'on point', thanks for making this
I dunno how you can sum the root of my problems that seems so complex to bite size.. It's like finally I could see myself with better clarity after years struggling & wondering what's wrong with myself. Thanks for creating and sharing this, FJ 🤗❤️
Another thing that we fear is if we go against what others are saying then something bad happened, they'd say, "i told you so," like we're already feeling guilty for not following their opinion and that freaking line just makes it worse. Anyway, I did experience the things you've mentioned and have learnt to stick to my decision no matter what at the rate people around me are hesitant to voice out theirs bc they know I'm gonna stick to mine anyway unless their reasons are very, very strong. And man, that kinda feels good. To finally have control and lessen the unnecessary guilt. Thanks for the sharing man
I love your newer videos, but sometimes when I really doubt myself and feel low I like to come back to these to give me that boost I need to remember myself again. Thanks, FJ
Thank you so much again, not only do you help me understand myself a little bit more. But you also help me think for myself and ask questions about myself. Most importantly you help me grow in life and be a better person in my mind. I can't thank you enough
I literally just finished doing a poem where I talk about this thing that I have about feeling like a side character of my life more than the main character, then I opened this video and *boom* every single thing Frank James said about being negligent with the introverted thinking just punched me hard- Thank you for helping me on this long journey of becoming a healthier infj, James. Thank you. A lot.
I think therapist should learn all the traits so they could help more people. These videos have helped me more than years of therapy and being put on meds that don't work.
Dang, sir.. Ya know how you know something, absolutely and positively, and you know you don't need validation but for some reason you don't trust what you know till a stranger completely validates that belief you didn't think you needed anyone elses stinking validation on? ..that. And thats huge for me right this minute. Thanks. For real.
Wowsers. I just clicked this on a whim and how serendipitous it turned out to be! I was literally just having this discussion yesterday. I'm approaching the deadline for confirming my place on a course I'm not sure about, but I'm worried about upsetting my tutor by not doing it. It's so ridiculous. And then I feel like I need to bounce ideas off everyone I know before I can make a decision. Duuuuude I have demon Ti.
This video in particular just saved my life and I know I'm not the only one thinking this. You're right we don't need any validation, and this video was enough validation in itself right when I really DID need it from someone who gets how I am. I am ready to strengthen my identity and ready to detach from everything I've been around for a while.
That grin at the end says it all....! It really is goodbye but with no fear of the unknown or the future! I rarely get to do that mostly because there is noone to say goodbye to.. i think thats one of the importance of other people, i dont mean causing them harm or anything its just what it is!
At this time in my life it's my inherent need to withhold my secrets which is keeping me at this standstill. My friends and family constantly implore me to go to university and do something (mainly psychology because they acknowledge its a great interest of mine) but I have zero intentions of doing that because this whole time I've had an ambition deeply ingrained in my character which I have kept silent for years. I have lied and deflected countless times but just recently at this critical time of development I have made a decision which is going to allow me to comfortably divulge this essential part of my identity and I'm very excited for it. Thanks for being so damn relatable, it'll always be refreshing to know that if there is anywhere in the world I belong, it's the INFJ community.
My 3.5 yr relationship with an INFJ recently ended. We were in a long distance relationship and he attatched really strongly to the fact his parents were aging and his mothers health was up n down.. he was constantly worrying himself over decision making with life path stuff, he developed psychosomatic illnesses ☹. Ending things made things simpler hopefully.. flying solo is a sobering experience. This Ti stuff is real for ya'll, dont torture yourselves, decision making feels good and empowering
Garuntee while he was sharing this with u, he was way more concerned with your feelings than his own. No matter the persona type, rejection hurts. I gave up dating 3yrs ago and now practice MGTOW. Point being, we're great at friendship but not romance... if self reflection interests u, consider that INFJ's won't allow fellowship to persist with people that are superficial in anyway, we despise this above all else.
@@revenant777x8 your telling me. It was like all i attract were women who were riddled with problems, and then once they felt secure enough they would leave me for someone else lol. I finally had enough, then i found mgtow and was like huh, guess I'm mgtow.
Yes! Yes! Yes! It's so important to use Ti to make decisions for ourselves. Nobody is going to be walking in your shoes and living your life but you! Some people mean well and certainly consider the points some people mention. But you have to decipher thru that and decide for yourself. What works for one person doesnt always work for another. You are looking more confident and happy lately. :)
Dreams have to be practical too, especially when one is entering their later stages of life. It’s not as if one has their whole life in front of them to just bust out and think big. Sometimes it helps to get insight from others about practical possibilities in accordance with one’s income, and what others’ think one might be good at. How one views oneself is often not how others view them so it’s good to get that feedback.
This was so helpful!!!! I recently had a huge row my mother in law. Basically she decided to tell me how I was being irresponsible with my finances by spending too much on myself and her poor son has to go without. Not even close to the truth. But I lost my shit on her and we haven’t spoken since. With this video I’m seeing that it’s my fault because I have given her too much power over me. Their is so much more I would like to say because I’m still feeling like I have to defend myself. Man I screwed up this one lol thanks so much for this video I really need to get corrected on this!!!
I swear you're the first person to articulate these thoughts in a way I understand. I don't know how you do it, but thank you!
=rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr=eee4444444rrrrrred!fed.
Frank, where have you been all my life...wait, I know where...
It's so important for us to have proper advice when we are the ones always giving it and never getting the self care we need so badly
You're better than any therapist I've been to... Thanks for this channel.
well I appreciate that, Megan
Right, Megan? Truth, compassion, understanding IS the best medicine. FJ has that three cord bind that the universe celebrates.
You have no idea how much this means to him…or maybe you do😉
Facts 💯
I know this sounds weird, but this is a perfectly timed message about something I really need to hear. Thank you.
Me too and this is something which I should repeat to myself over and over during different chapters of life 😊
Ditto that! Such a good message, FJ. It is nice to know we aren't this way because we are crazy, and it is nice to have a strategy in this all-too-common scenario.
INTP, totally need this too RN
Be brave fellow INFJs ... it is okay to be you. Completion not perfection. Just because you are good at something, does not mean you have to do it. --- Follow your intuition and take your brain with you. I fought for my right to go to University and have never regretted it. I did not wait for others' approval because their opinions did not match my goals and dreams. I let others catch up with me. Surprisingly, some will catch up decades later and statistically a significant many did not. --- Today I live my dream life with my spouse who I met that first semester in University (we married 19 years later). Time is precious ... live today!
" completion not perfection" & "Just because you're good at something does not mean you have to do it"... I absolutely love your quotes. I will take that in my spirit. It truly speaks to me. I was led to read this . Thank you, thank you. ♥️
Aw! 😍Thank you ma'am.
Stay blessed❤
thank you so much for these affirmations!!
Thank you! The sentence: "Just because you are good at something, does not mean you have to do it" really got me! Something I struggle a lot with
"It feels wrong not because it is wrong, but because it feels unnatural to look inward first"
"I'm joined by my friend, A Pumpkin". I can relate.
When an INFJ gets older they realize that NO ONE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS.
Then they figure out they NEED to trust themselves instead. It's a Ti NO BRAINER
Or do I mean Ti BRAINER??? Help ! I think too much and I can't get up!
Exactly!!!and...realizing that feels good.
Samesies. I thought the world was this big super organised sophisticated network of people who knew more than me. I often stop and smile. Like this evening and realised it again just before i watched this video.
This is so accurate it hurts. Even when I try to 'stand up' for myself, I end up letting them say what they want and keep what I think to myself because I *know* what's best *for me* ... "sort of".
Frank, I miss these types of videos from you, man. Your new scripted stuff is great, super funny, but I miss your heart-felt messages. This is where I'm at in my life right now, thanks for sharing.
I feel that when you're INFJ and have the courage to take a decision without consulting everybody, it is not only the need for validation that makes things harder but also the fear of failure/rejection. We let others question so much our decisions that we became insecure if our decisions are right/wrong.
I AGREE!!!
Kind of ironic how everyone in the comments (including me) already knew that they need to follow their own decisions more often, and to stop looking for approval from others, but your video provided the approval they needed in order to realize that they can actually start applying this concept into their lives.
Thanks for the video FJ! Was definitely very accurate for a lot of us here ✌️
I've been watching your videos for a few weeks, and I've been finding them really great. You're the first INFJ UA-camr that I've actually fully understood the perspective of. This video couldn't have come at a better time for me and has made me realise how much I am still allowing Fe to affect my decision making in this negative sense.
Im fully realiting with you 😊, I have same feeling listening to Frank, I even tried with a few other UA-camrs but after moment Im just switching vids off 😅
I wish I would have found this channel sooner. You make a difference in the world, people need to hear this. It took me 35 years to follow my own mind, because I felt selfish and didn't trust myself. Thanks again!
These INFJ videos are changing my life... I have been struggling with this particular validation seeking for years without a way to put it into words. Thank you Frank. Now I know what I can try to work on.
I’m not an INFJ but I went through something similar and I didn’t follow my dreams for a long time. Now I’m playing catch-up.
In the end, honey, it’s your life, and it’s finite. Go after your dreams, baby. Do what makes you happy. I think there’s a lot of us out there who enjoy seeing your happiness, Frank.
Your friend, the pumpkin, doesn’t say much to dissuade you from your dreams. He’s a good friend. 💖
Wow, thank you for being such a clear INFJ mirror. New mantra: “My decisions are just as valid, even if no one else agrees or gives me validation”
well there you go again, articulating what I've been feeling and experiencing without consciously realizing it.
Ugh, the identity thing. I remember people telling me in high school that I didn’t know who I was but I felt that deep in my core, I did/do. I would ask people’s advice because I like to be well informed and “collect” the various ways of looking at the issue. I like to hear if I have any blind spots because I value constructive feedback.
Also, we have many layers to our personality and we show those layers over a lifetime which means to an outsider it feels like we are always changing, evolving, or “coming into our identity” but we’ve always known intuitively who we are. Most of the time I think we are assessing where we fit in the quest of looking for “my tribe”.
Further, people didn’t take a deep interest in getting to know my identity because I spent a lot of time asking them questions to get to know the ins and outs of who they are. They were so distracted and indulged by the undivided attention I was giving them that they didn’t take the time to return the interest.
It seems people look to those questions from us as opportunities to tear us down but in my head it was, “You don’t know me! I’ve got layers you’ve never seen.” 😆 Even if I couldn’t voice it. I think we were easy targets for people with low self-esteem.
We keep our identity for ourselves until it’s safe to come out because when we do put ourselves out there it brings out a lot of ugly in people and who wants to see all of that? If I say a counter opinion to a controversial debate, yeah, I’m putting myself out there but if it attracts some person yelling at my opinion in return... no thanks. I’ll just pretend to not have an opinion. It doesn’t change who I am I just don’t wear who I am on my sleeve like a lot of other types do. It’s a mistake for people to assume we don’t know ourselves just because we like to take the time to get to know others, the world around us, and ourselves in said world.
the last para is so relatable! i totally agree.
Well Frank, by George , I do believe you have disclosed a critical issue here. You have addressed a hard truth. If you are someone this resonates with, do yourself a favor and listen to the man! This is valuable information. Frank words frank spoke to play over in your head until they become part of your dna are, “YOU ARE ENOUGH!.” Here’s two more words from The Word. They are, “Be Still.” Listen to the inner voice. That’s your soul talking to you. I have it from the ultimate authority that you can trust the inner voice. Huge problems can be avoided by doing this. Once you let the “peanut gallery” in to your space, your Screwed! Removing them will require you to do tenfold the very thing you tried to avoid in the first place. That is, getting a backbone, developing your Ti, & taking responsibility for your future. I always wanted to believe that people are inherently decent and would not plot to see another person fail. I was wrong. Hard lessons learned. Note: Lessons is plural. And in the end, you alone reap what you sow. If I end up having to pick up the pieces, I at least want to have the satisfaction of knowing they are my pieces. Not developing your own identity will allow others to control you. This will leave you frustrated, and that negative energy turned inward is lethal. Well done Frank. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Great comment!
So true. Life is to short to waste energy on people who secretly despise you and take glee in your failures.
Which "Word" are you talking about? Because that quote, "Be still", comes from the word of God --- from the King James Bible which states in Psalms 46:10 - Be still, and know that I [am] God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
I think one ought to know one's identity, but even more important than that is to know the identity of the true God. Not to know about Him but to really seek God with a drive of: Who is God, really? What is His name? That's where the quote comes from. The Lord commanded the people to 1.) Be still. AND 2.) Know that *I* am God. The ultimate authority, thus, doesn't come from the self or others, but from the Creator who designed and fashioned your soul together. We are blind guides unto ourselves but God can open up our eyes and lead us as the Good Shepherd. Oh, and His name? His name is Jesus Christ!
May the Lord bless you and good day!
Take advice from an infj in their early 40’s who is finally doing things for herself. I spent 35 years of my life asking everyone before I did anything. I I tuned around, looked at my life. Then realized, I helped everyone achieve their goals and dreams, but didn’t achieve my own. However, I still have lead a happy life regardless of this due to my love of helping people. But, for myself, I’ve finally started volunteering in animal rescue which is a passion of mine. Which, took me away from people in my life who were used to me always being there for them. However, I finally started doing something I valued, and absolutely loved. I had to stop due to health issues. As soon as they’re under control I’ll be right back to animal rescue work.
I feel fortunate that I lived next door to my high school's creative writing teacher. He was my ride to school in the mornings and from school many afternoons, and through conversations with him I was able to establish a sense of, "It's okay to work on the thing I really want." I feel like that has served me extremely well.
I would have responded to this video, "I'm not like that! I make my decisions based on what I want!" except that my dad has illuminated to me multiple times quite the opposite. He has even, while talking to me about the strengths of my personality, talked about my tendency to actually know what I want to do, but to call upon multiple resources to confirm that my decision was good.
Even my goal of working to get into grad school, which was something I had considered for years but never told anyone, didn't start to fruit until a university trumpet instructor told me, "You could really be a serious player if you wanted."
Thanks for your words of encouragement as I pursue goals that seem crazy and impractical. :)
Hi Frank. Many thanks for the video and congratulations for managing to articulate these quite complex INFJ reactions in a clear way. My 2 cents about this topic is that, as an INFJ myself, I have always felt that I knew what I needed to do with my life based on my intuition. Acting upon it was however a full other story. I always discussed the decisions I intended to make with my family and friends but never could really back them up in a convincing way because they were based on things which were obvious and logical to me thanks to my INFJ intuition but that I could never really word accurately (good luck trying to explain an intuition). So I have very often avoided making the decisions I thought were right by the lack of validation I received or by buying into an alternative options that were proposed to me (I.e. “hey son why don’t you just study the law instead of psychology?”). In my early twenties, my assumption was that the ones I loved and whose opinion I respected had to know better than me because they had chosen studies or jobs and looked happy with them. I, on the other side, was very insecure with my own ideas and plans and felt so lost with my own life decisions that I could only conclude that the others I love and respect who made the right decisions for themselves HAD to know better than me. Obviously I was wrong but it took me a lot of time to get to the conclusion that I was the only one who could know what to do. The same way it took me time to learn to “trust my guts” and to follow my insights instead than the ways validated by my peers. I only discovered about MBTI and my INFJ profile in my early 30s and it was so mind blowing to realize I was not an alien and to read and hear from people going through similar situations than the ones l had encountered. I know this is a very typical “INFJ discovers he’s not alone” kind of statement but this is exactly how I felt. I’m now 35 and although I still sometimes look for validation from peers in my decision making process, I have learned and accepted that I could only rely on myself to make decisions and that I should not be scared to make decisions that no one backs-up. It has been a long and difficult process for me to learn that via my own life experience so I believe that the video you made is great as it will maybe help other INFJs facing this issue to get quicker to the conclusion that they should trust themselves to make the decisions they believe are right. So all in all, thanks for that and thanks for sharing :). Cheers.
thanks for your comment, Yann
Loved this! In my 50s now and I can FINALLY stand in my power!!! This is so valuable FJ!!! Thank you!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
So so true! I’ve asked myself hundreds of times in frustration why can’t I stand up for myself! Then on those rare occasions when I have stood up for something that was very important to me, I was told, why are you doing this, your always the easy going one? Thanks for explaining this.
I mean, if the pumpkin thinks we can do it then who are we to argue?
I just want to put this out there for anyone struggling with this: you are peoples too; your ideas (and values) are important! If you need to picture your exact situation as if it’s happening to someone else in order to let yourself think about it, do it.
My demon Ti/Fi friends make me so sad because I can see how awesome their ideas and values are but they hide it or, worse, don’t see it. Sometimes I want to shake them and yell, “STOP REJECTING YOUR AWESOMENESS! I REFUSE TO VALIDATE YOUR SELF INVALIDATION, SO THERE!”
Thank you, Frank, I needed this. I felt low today and now I understand why - people I wanted validation from were criticising me and it almost made me feel I can't do this big step (I'm learning how to code almost from scratch and want my career to go that way). I'm aware of all the things that can go wrong, but somehow it feels more threatening and so much worse if someone else says it - as if it's more important to me, so now I understand why is that and I need to change it.
Your videos always cheer me up!
By the way, I never comment on youtube, so you can feel proud, haha.
Greetings from Czech Republic. :)
Best Wishes, Veronika :) I know an infj who loves coding and really good at it too.
Thank you! :) I think it would be suitable for lots of INFJs, as programmers can often work remotely from home, and going everyday to work and facing all the people can be pure suffering, also I found out it can cause problems with focusing on work, when I have to talk to people or they are talking to me, it's like having to switch from one mode (being nice to people and being able to talk to them) to another (focusing on work, high productivity). It's hard for me to switch so quickly and often and also talking to those people all day takes my energy faster than working all day. :) (I guess I'm problematic individual, but I hope you fellow INFJs can relate!
I find my introverted thinking helps me a lot during exams.
Thank you so much for making this video. I've reached this point in my life that I don't even know what I want. I feel soul-less, flavor-less, and identity-less because I've always focused on what others thought and wanted more than on what I think and want. Until seeing this video, I honestly thought there was something irrevocably flawed in me because the world has little patience (if any) for INFJs. But now I understand why I've always done this, and I see how to move beyond it.
Hi! It's been a blessing to meet you. It's like you fully understand the struggles that are upon us. Sometimes I feel like I'm the richest person on earth, everything is at my reach but I struggle with the question that is am I allowed to just becouse it's right there, just because I can, and if wouldn't it be better to take a step down and help others to achieve their goals... It's like the Midas touch. I can make gold out of scrap but then I'll end up feeling more alone. My head sounds like a mother Teresa working her way into managing my abilities towards other, like it's a freaking sin to think about myself for once. I just recently got separated after 19 years and I felt absolutely lost just because I don't know myself. I spent so long shelf away somewhere that I got to be completely lost with no identity or nothing to identify myself with... My trick has been to relive the person I was before my ex and it's even not his fault, I did it to myself. And yes, it does feel like a demon always talking us down. I did therapy once and the advice I got was to put other first in order to pursuit happiness. At church I was the same but none of that made sense... I thank you with all my heart for being such a support by giving words to the feelings inside!) You're making an enormous impact in people's lives!!)
i just found your account today and i wanted to thank you like hundred thousand times because i dont know how i found your account but this was the thing i needed and after watching your infj videos i couldnt stop crying !!!! i just got answers to questions that i and everyone around me have been asking for a very long time 😭😭😭😭😭 i disconnected myself from everyone and deactivated all my social networking sites bcs everything was too much to take and even after doing all this i still felt so lost ..and a month later here i am watching your videos and finally getting the start i needed towards getting to know myself better ! i dont know if you will read this long ass word vomit or not but i genuinely wanted to thank you for making all these videos and helping lost souls like me 😭😭😭 *sending my love telepathically* hope u get it 😭✊
I did what you did, and unfortunately, not as fortunate as you, to know why did I feel really lost. And that was 4-5 years ago. I only started to know who I am, why am I being like this, like 1-2 months ago. Anw, cheer up, sis! Try to learn this 16 personalities and 4 sides of mind theories, especially about you, first. Because it works wonder to me, good luck 👍
@@anythingwilldo_833
Yes it does work.
If MBIT was taught at school, life would be easier for a lot of us.
I hope you are doing good. Take care! 🍀
Man, this has been the hardest thing to learn. At 25 years old, I’m finally realizing just how much I look to other people when making decisions. I’m coming off of a break up with a guy I was with for four years and I’m trying to figure out my own voice for the first time ever.
Grateful for amazing content that reminds me I’m not the only one struggling with this! Thanks, FJ! You’re the man!! :)
This is exactly what I needed. I think it's really sad but true that people subconsciously do not want you to exceed for selfish reasons or maybe they're projecting their weaknesses onto you 🤷♀️even my own mother didn't think I'd succeed at a Fashion school I picked out so I settled for a cheap CNA program and it ruined my life and made me miserable. It's a hard fact of life to accept that about people but since I've started to realize that, I found that it's reason enough to start trusting my own judgement and go after the things I want. Still working on it but you're videos are helping a lot. I believe INFJs will never stop helping people so it's totally fine for us to be selfish when we need to be.
Thanks Frank for this. I really needed this. Just like you, after high school, everyone had an idea of what I should study and I followed them because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I graduated last year and now in my early 20's I've been feeling like I ought to have followed my passion in life instead. I was still being told to move a certain direction and after watching this I stood up to my parents and told them what I really wanted (I was shaking while doing this). Surprisingly my dad was like: okay it's your life! And I was like : why didn't I say this 4 years ago! Anyway I'm glad that I now have the freedom to pursue the line I want and its thanks to this video so THANK YOU!
This was immensely helpful for me to hear, thank you from the heart ♥ ♥
I've struggled with making decisions my whole life because I would always feel like I didn't have the right to assert my identity without getting other people's approval. I've always been a high achiever at school and when the time came to decide which college to go to I fell in the same old trap and did what others were expecting me to do. Now I'm getting a degree which I couldn't care less about because that's not what really fulfills me, then hopefully I'll start living my own life for the first time ever. If only I knew who I really am under all these masks...
I definitely agree! Though I've developed my thinking in a typically INFJ way... My sister is an INTJ, and I've learned logical thinking from listening to her. So sometimes I wonder if I actually am thinking for myself or just pulling a "what would my sister think?" As far as learning to stick to your guns, I highly recommend the book "Boundaries." After reading that, I went through a "toddler phase" and felt like I was saying no to everyone and everything; but now I feel that I've evened out a lot and for the better! I'm fortunate to have a family that encourages me to be the best I can be, but I've learned the hard way to ignore just about everyone else. I've had to create requirements for those who get a say in my life so I know who to listen to and who not to. I've also learned that ESTJs simply cannot understand me and I have to take any advice they give me with a giant grain of salt.
Thank you. I think I needed these words now.
You know, I've been working more seriously on my Ti for a few years, but it's true when they say old habits die hard. Sometimes you have to remind certain things to yourself. These days I have to tell myself (about Ti): "You know that's the right thing to do, even if you don't feel it". Feelings are annoying sometimes.
And I think you're right with people unconsciously not wanting you to succeed. They still love you, but they don't understand you at the same time. And it's unfair to be angry at them, but you have to keep a certain degree of distance from them.
I hope I'm not sharing too much of my personal things, but I realized that there's someone -- who's very meaningful to me -- that's guilt-tripping me and is making me feel like I'm garbage because what I'm doing for myself -- working on my career... or the lack thereof -- is making them suffer (some sort of: "You think about yourself more than you think of me").
The thing is, they don't wanna hurt me; they just don't get it.
And I've been making "big" decisions for myself for a while now, but sometimes Fe is still the bad guy and I can fall into that trap again and start feeling selfish.
Sorry, I'm about to be depressing and maybe also write things that aren't fair to some people, so I'll stop here.
I'm so thankful that I have some refuge in my "safe place" though.
Bye, and thaks again for this video!
Also, please thank your pumpkin on my behalf for believing in us.
Sorry to butt in, but it sounds like that other person is thinking about themselves more than they are thinking about you. If no one else will do it [think about you] I guess you'll have to do it yourself.
You didn't butt in, Grace! I appreciate advice (especially when it's given in a kind way). You know, that's what I wanna do. I'll be always there for that person, but I realized I need to do that from a distance.
Thank you! :)
The main troublemaker while making decisions about college... those who have not been to college yet, beware of this.
I was told by my parents a couple times to not be a teacher or a doctor while I was younger, and then I completely conditioned myself into this. I picked a major that seemed to fit their expectations and my academic performance, and had been working towards it for years. But when I had to finalise it, I panicked that I wouldn't be able to do my exams well, so I switched to something that seemed to be easier. (I'm telling you, college is NEVER easy. You will have many struggles even if you think you picked an easy major.) During the application process, my mom asked me if I ever thought about becoming a doctor. And now, doing a very challenging STEM major, she asked me if I considered switching to education. After all the times I was told to never do it... and then starting a sentence with "But if you really wanted that..." when I was already against it. The thing is, I have never thought about if I would be good or happy studying any of these after they told me to not do it.
Luckily I recognised the pattern and now I'm trying to not let to condition myself against specialising in environmental science in grad school. Furthermore, my starter salary would be higher after finishing my bachelor's than theirs after working for 25+ years without a college degree, so I guess I can study whatever I want.
Moral of the story, listen to other people's opinions, but don't make them yours. Get to know yourselves before deciding on college, know your desires, your strengths, your abilities and your weaknesses, and put these things first while making the decision. Everything else comes afterwards.
Thanks for this. I’ve been working on focusing on the meaning behind my passions. This keeps me from burning things to the ground. I just keep reminding myself that I’m on a path that I won’t let any negative thought pull me off.
I can hear you say “it’s okay” all day long 😌
I feel the same about Scottie Pippen's voice. Some strange soothing properties going on there. (Before you ask, I'm 100% straight)
While Fe is an admirable and useful process, as an INTJ I'm SO glad I seem to use Te over Fe haha. The Fe struggle seems pretty real with INFJs. I've had my own issues with my practically non-existent Fe however. Always interesting to hear the struggles of the other side.
mmikesell1 thats why INFJs get along with people and INTJs are sociopaths lol
Damnnnn when you brought up cleaning your room I felt that. I really want to eat more plant based and healthy but I feel so guilty bc maybe it's not what the other people in the house wants and I don't want to inconveniece them. So I haven't even been honest and expressed how much I want it and how motivated I am, and when I do I do it super passive agressively to protect myself for possible negative reactions. damn really made me reflect.
All this introspective insight and emotional intelligence keeps me [us] warm.
Thanks!
You Dont know how many times this video saved me,it never gets old ! Thank you.
FJ! You are speaking to my soul! I needed to hear this. Please keep doing what you are doing. You are helping me so much!
As an INFJ who turned more ENFJ over the years I can say this is 100% true. It's only been in the last 2 years I finally started trying to grab onto my identity and stop feeling like everyone else knows best and I don't. I used to call it the "Egor" complex, because I felt like i let everyone else rule over me. Great video explaining this, it's so refreshing to hear it's not just a codependency thing or something like that.
once again you have showed me another piece of the puzzle that is me and that is INFJ. Thank you for always explaining things so well. Thank you for being so insightful.
Everything you said is completely true! I'm in my 20's, only recently started self analyzing my identity and found that I am definitely a infj.... I found it very difficult to tell people things they don't want to hear. If I had an opinion that I truly believe in, I figured all I needed was confidence and just tell them. It does feel selfish at times because I feel so much emotion and absorbing what the other person feels, or like if I stood in their shoes I'd be like what a B**** lol.... but in a different perspective, it's good for them. Whether they want to listen or not, I am proud of myself for the courage to speak up and stand up for myself.
it's funny how he knows about that kid singing goodbye to the people who hated on me , well done frank :3... tbh i was always like this i seek for people to make a decision i need to try harder to make my own decision by my self. thank you again
I love the way you describe infj sir
I needed this today. This makes so much sense. Thank you
I've struggled with this most of my life and it is has made it easier for toxic people to manipulate me many times. Now when I'm making a major decision I will keep it to myself so I can determine how I feel before getting anyone else's input. Its tough to hold back from sharing but I've learned that I only get more frustrated when I'm not feeling the support and validation that I'm looking for.
I will give more attention to my Ti in the future, especially now that you've validated it :D
I’m seeing this video today & the timing was impeccable, regardless of age. I wish there were a way to put into words how much your words helped me. Thank you.
Wow.... You hit the spot. It's amazing how good it feels to hear the problem vocalised like you've just done
Who could have ever hated on you FJ?
I needed this message today. Thanks for being you Frank ❤
Thanks dear, your advice always helps me to get back to the Ti track. And maintain a balance between being emotional & rational. Thanks for helping INFJ’s
I'm having the conflict with others now in life for sure about direction and sometimes it feels like I'm not aloud to make my own decisions. I gotta stand up for myself. I would like to see a video on your thoughts about dealing with confrontational people as an infj.. if you don't have one yet. Confrontation makes me curl up and cry inside my mind.
I would like to see this video too :)
Omayghad let me give u a HUG😢
I was too stunned to comment for a minute because you basically chronicled the early years of my life and I feel exposed! I believe I've unknowingly been able to develop this on a small scale but being called out really puts it in the forefront of my mind so I can be more aware and proactive. 🤯
This information is so crucial to my personal development which was my main reason for subscribing to your channel but I enjoy all of the content so thank you!
BTW, the interview with Bo was terrific!
You’re a good (and funny) teacher.
You dont know how helpful this was to hear. Currently living on the road out of my car vlogging on my channel and its the first time I've had to face my Ti and it's been immensely rewarding
I'm so grateful for the videos you make. I have felt stuck for so long working hard but never getting anywhere and feeling like I didn't know what I am doing wrong, so I'd retreat into my head again to try to find the answer but it became a seemingly endless loop. Now I finally know what I was doing wrong; I wasn't using all the tools my personality provides. It will be uncomfortable and require a lot of hard work, but I finally know I have the means to accomplish my goals and for me; that's enough. Thank you Frank, your work is a blessing.
Thank you. I'm stuck in Fe. Trying to please everyone else. I'm trying so hard to let myself find out what I want.. When I have known what I wanted, I did amazing.
Thank you for posting this! My dreams will be extremely difficult to achieve, and the thought of that has been disheartening for me. Especially with having a super rough year and barely passing any classes. It’s taken all I have to not just quit college and give up on everything I have such a passion for. I keep having people tell me that I should go for something more attainable, but that’s not where my heart is, and if my heart isn’t in it, then I will always feel like a failure in whatever I do. I refuse to live like that.
Hey Frank, *thumbs up* right at the core.
As an INFJ who focused more on Ti (my caregivers were high Te users and Fe doesn't cut it well with them), I became more of a rebel, but I had to develop Fe later on in order to get what I want without much clashes-- the art of harmony without it being at expense of self.
Great last line!
Best regards,
Zee
Thanks for the great videos you've been made, these videos about INFJ make me feel that I'm not alone and understood, and they also help me with some issues
I'm so glad that there is a an INFJ creator online putting out this great content. I just learned that I'm an INFJ after a friend who's well versed MBTI recognized some patterns and behaviors in me and he suggested I might be. Been doing a lot of reading about it since and I feel so seen and recognized and not so alone anymore.
When I moved 12.000km away from home, I found myself going back to my friends constantly to ask their opinion on every important decision that I was making; but It stroke me as if I couldn't sort things out on my own; as if I was seeking their approval.
I then came to the realisation that it wasnt me looking for their consent, but rather their actual opinions. That's what we do as human beings, we exchange information, we look for new perspectives; almost as a sort of network. I think that deep down we know what we want, but the approval that we wait is from ourselves, we just want to check other options first; as long as they don't determine our ultimate decision but rather collaborate to it. Maybe is just a matter of perspective, idk.
Loving your podcast btw.
one of the best advice ever. I'm in college, I was studying something I hated for 4 years (that's a long time when you hate your life), and I just reoriented this year. My parents knew I was going to stop what I was previously studying but they didn't know what I was going to do next. Maybe cause I didn't know myself aha, but I had postponed my decision making precisely because of that fear of their opinion. bc I knew that if I asked for their advice or even just tell them they would naturally try to change my course and control me (subconsciously). So I solved the problem by not telling them a thing until I was actually enroled and it was too late to withdraw (I'm studying languages). and now everything's working out perfectly. it wasn't even a problem cause I just said "this is what I do and you have no say about it" (which is not usual for me) so they were a bit surprised but nothing more. sometimes you think you're taking a big risk by being assertive when actually no ones cares what you do. the problems start when you ask for advice to the wrong people when you already know what you should do. so yeah, be bold
Random thought, but I like that you post at 6 AM Eastern time. Gives me things to think about while I get ready for work, other than my usual thoughts about how I despise getting up when it’s still dark outside and how I just want to go back to sleep. So thanks!
I’m normally an extremely headstrong person (check that 88th percentile assertiveness score on the Big 5 💪🏻), but I turn into a helpless, validation-seeking baby every time I need to make a financial decision. It probably has to do with the fact that my Se is garbage, but either way, I definitely relate to your story about picking a college. I wanted to go to fancy private school (probably just because I read too many books where people did that), but my parents both pushed me to go to whichever state school gave me the most scholarship money. It felt like settling at the time, but I did it anyways, and I’m glad I did, because my dumbass 17-year-old self would’ve gone six figures into debt for an English/Education degree otherwise. 😂 At some point, I’ll need to develop those financial decision-making skills on my own...but I’m lazy. 👀
Fun fact: Jerry Seinfeld went to my alma mater for a semester before leaving because he hated it so much, lol. The thought of a young, miserable Seinfeld being on my college campus in middle-of-nowhere Upstate NY is eternally hilarious to me.
Thank you for pushing yourself enough to help the masses. It’s inspiring.
I really felt that. Following your heart, with the possibility of losing others along the way who are too blind to see the dreams they missed out on.
I'm currently on this idea that I may be pursuing the wrong degree but also want the stability in the future.
People pleasing is quite detrimental.
Thank you for posting this. It was greatly needed.
watched this a few years ago. watching again now. I kept this in mind and have moved forward quite a bit. still people holding me back. this is still 'on point', thanks for making this
Thank you for being there. It's taken me twenty years to start to figure out this about myself, and here you are, articulating it in five minutes ♥
I dunno how you can sum the root of my problems that seems so complex to bite size..
It's like finally I could see myself with better clarity after years struggling & wondering what's wrong with myself. Thanks for creating and sharing this, FJ 🤗❤️
Another thing that we fear is if we go against what others are saying then something bad happened, they'd say, "i told you so," like we're already feeling guilty for not following their opinion and that freaking line just makes it worse.
Anyway, I did experience the things you've mentioned and have learnt to stick to my decision no matter what at the rate people around me are hesitant to voice out theirs bc they know I'm gonna stick to mine anyway unless their reasons are very, very strong. And man, that kinda feels good. To finally have control and lessen the unnecessary guilt. Thanks for the sharing man
I love your newer videos, but sometimes when I really doubt myself and feel low I like to come back to these to give me that boost I need to remember myself again. Thanks, FJ
Thank you so much again, not only do you help me understand myself a little bit more. But you also help me think for myself and ask questions about myself. Most importantly you help me grow in life and be a better person in my mind. I can't thank you enough
I literally just finished doing a poem where I talk about this thing that I have about feeling like a side character of my life more than the main character, then I opened this video and *boom* every single thing Frank James said about being negligent with the introverted thinking just punched me hard-
Thank you for helping me on this long journey of becoming a healthier infj, James. Thank you. A lot.
I’m an INFJ dealt with this when younger- ALOT. Still do time to time but getting better. Thanks FJ for lessons in awareness.
I think therapist should learn all the traits so they could help more people. These videos have helped me more than years of therapy and being put on meds that don't work.
Dang, sir.. Ya know how you know something, absolutely and positively, and you know you don't need validation but for some reason you don't trust what you know till a stranger completely validates that belief you didn't think you needed anyone elses stinking validation on? ..that. And thats huge for me right this minute. Thanks. For real.
Wowsers. I just clicked this on a whim and how serendipitous it turned out to be! I was literally just having this discussion yesterday. I'm approaching the deadline for confirming my place on a course I'm not sure about, but I'm worried about upsetting my tutor by not doing it. It's so ridiculous. And then I feel like I need to bounce ideas off everyone I know before I can make a decision. Duuuuude I have demon Ti.
I like how you get slightly, just slightly more passionate towards the end, I found myself nodding (slow-)vigorously.
Every one of your videos I wach have value. Thank you for all the work you put to them
This is the video I never knew I needed. 💛
thanks Frank, love your video
Y E S. I was humming in agreement out loud from 1:28 to 1:45. You should write a book man.
Wow. This was so good, so insightful. I have struggled all my life with letting that Ti do it's magic.
That's literally my life,
10:34 that's the answer to all my struggles.. Thank you for everything thanks a lot
This video in particular just saved my life and I know I'm not the only one thinking this. You're right we don't need any validation, and this video was enough validation in itself right when I really DID need it from someone who gets how I am. I am ready to strengthen my identity and ready to detach from everything I've been around for a while.
That grin at the end says it all....! It really is goodbye but with no fear of the unknown or the future!
I rarely get to do that mostly because there is noone to say goodbye to.. i think thats one of the importance of other people, i dont mean causing them harm or anything its just what it is!
At this time in my life it's my inherent need to withhold my secrets which is keeping me at this standstill. My friends and family constantly implore me to go to university and do something (mainly psychology because they acknowledge its a great interest of mine) but I have zero intentions of doing that because this whole time I've had an ambition deeply ingrained in my character which I have kept silent for years. I have lied and deflected countless times but just recently at this critical time of development I have made a decision which is going to allow me to comfortably divulge this essential part of my identity and I'm very excited for it. Thanks for being so damn relatable, it'll always be refreshing to know that if there is anywhere in the world I belong, it's the INFJ community.
My 3.5 yr relationship with an INFJ recently ended. We were in a long distance relationship and he attatched really strongly to the fact his parents were aging and his mothers health was up n down.. he was constantly worrying himself over decision making with life path stuff, he developed psychosomatic illnesses ☹. Ending things made things simpler hopefully.. flying solo is a sobering experience. This Ti stuff is real for ya'll, dont torture yourselves, decision making feels good and empowering
Garuntee while he was sharing this with u, he was way more concerned with your feelings than his own. No matter the persona type, rejection hurts. I gave up dating 3yrs ago and now practice MGTOW. Point being, we're great at friendship but not romance... if self reflection interests u, consider that INFJ's won't allow fellowship to persist with people that are superficial in anyway, we despise this above all else.
It would be nice if you could make a video explaining Ni, Ti, Fe etc is all about.
@@revenant777x8 your telling me. It was like all i attract were women who were riddled with problems, and then once they felt secure enough they would leave me for someone else lol. I finally had enough, then i found mgtow and was like huh, guess I'm mgtow.
Yes! Yes! Yes! It's so important to use Ti to make decisions for ourselves. Nobody is going to be walking in your shoes and living your life but you! Some people mean well and certainly consider the points some people mention. But you have to decipher thru that and decide for yourself. What works for one person doesnt always work for another. You are looking more confident and happy lately. :)
Dreams have to be practical too, especially when one is entering their later stages of life. It’s not as if one has their whole life in front of them to just bust out and think big. Sometimes it helps to get insight from others about practical possibilities in accordance with one’s income, and what others’ think one might be good at. How one views oneself is often not how others view them so it’s good to get that feedback.
Smart INFJs dont share their dreams.
Why not? And are your dreams and goals separate?
Did you do a study? How many INFJ’s did you use to come up with such a blanket statement?
Thank you Frank. Couple years behind on this INFJ train but I caught the rope and came aboard!
This is a perfectly timed message.
I am glad we crossed this digital path man.
I am freer somehow. Sweet message.
Thank you Pumpkin🌟
This was so helpful!!!! I recently had a huge row my mother in law. Basically she decided to tell me how I was being irresponsible with my finances by spending too much on myself and her poor son has to go without. Not even close to the truth. But I lost my shit on her and we haven’t spoken since. With this video I’m seeing that it’s my fault because I have given her too much power over me. Their is so much more I would like to say because I’m still feeling like I have to defend myself. Man I screwed up this one lol thanks so much for this video I really need to get corrected on this!!!
This is a great vid. It’s so important to remember to trust yourself.
And once again you gave voice to the most profound thoughts that I wasn't even totally aware to have. Chapeau🎩