remember - especially for people who struggle with either speech or social interaction (or both) questions are often not fun, they are demands. We are asking something of them - we may be asking them to do something theyre not very good at or takes a lot of effort (processing speech - formulating an appropriate answer - speaking)
Yup!! I was minimally verbal as a kid, so when adults came up to me, inserted themselves into my playtime, and expected me to suddenly jump into roleplay, it was extremely distressing. All it would do was make me extremely anxious and trigger a speech loss episode.
@@EverydayFunny1992 yep. Especially if they are trying to get you to play a completely different way that you don't want to do, but because "oh but they're being nice" you'd be forced to play their way instead. Like forcing someone to do something they are uncomfortable doing is not being nice.
A lot of the example "questions" in the video read like demands. If you're telling them where the puzzle piece "should" go (even if it"s phrased as a question) rather than letting them play with it the way they want to play with it, you're demanding that they act normal rather than act autistic. That's just telling a kid to mask as neurotypical, which can easily be traumatic and abusive.
I am not autistic or at least not diagnosed, but I live in a country where I'm not fluent in the language (I speak it, but it requires very active thought and is quite difficult and sometimes understanding something takes an extra 5-10 seconds) and this is also true for me. Questions, especially open-ended ones that expect a lengthy response, cause genuine panic. Questions make misunderstanding and embarrassment so much easier than someone simply making a statement that I can just nod to or a joke I can simply laugh at. I genuinely feel a level of panic when someone turns to me and ask something like "what did you do during the weekend?" as I suddenly have to string a sentence together where I get conjugation, gender agreement, prepositions, pronouns, vocabulary, etc. correct.
Okay but imitating noises they make is how I've connected with several kids I've worked with. I'm a school parapro who also happens to be autistic. My first year I worked one on one with a little girl who made a sort of "humming" sound to communicate. So I started doing it back to her. She was so shocked the first time I did it I'm confident no one has ever tried it with her before, but it became a surefire way to connect with her and even calm her down!
My daughter does something very similar. I call it "vocalizing" because it's not words, just sounds, like a singer just doing the "ahh"s and "ooo"s. She always looks at me with minor confusion and definitive focus because no one else ever does it. Even her mom does it more in her own way that our daughters, and I think that's why she looks at me funny when I do it. Never really thought about it as connecting before now, because she always looks confused, like she's not sure why I'm doing it the way she does. Now, I'm thinking that maybe it's her own sort of language and I'm suddenly, and kind of accidently, speaking it back to her..
Yep, I do the same with my uncle, who has brain injury induced Dementia and is probably undiagnosed autistic as well. His words often get scrambled, but he communicates well through non-word sounds and echolalia of phrases and advertising jingles, etc... I naturally respond to him in the same way because echolalia is a thing for me as well. And yes, I get the surprised stare at first, but then he seems quite happy to communicate that way. Once, during a visit, my brother said, "It's such a shame he can't communicate how he's feeling." I was stunned! I can totally pick up on his emotions through the choice of jingle or way non-word noises sound.
That’s really cool, I sort of intuitively did that with a nonspeaking teen who hummed all the time :) He seemed pretty surprised at first and then seemed to warm up to me a little
@AmeliaEarhart53756 me too! Fancy doing a strong tongue click? 👅 That's one of mine. It usually pops out when I'm happy. Tell me one of yours and I will do it too 😊 We can be Autistic echolalia and noises, buddies. 💜
As an Autistic adult, my instinctive response is parallel play. Playing with similar objects nearby. Eg those unused dinosaurs on the floor look mighty tempting 🦕
I'm an autistic adult and me and my other neurodivergent friends always ask "do you want to chat or will we be on our phones together?" When we hang out. It's parallel play for adults. Or it can be doing separate crafts or both reading books or something.
this also works for very young children in general! i remember learning to "tone it down" for 1-3yos and they immediately stopped ignoring me and turning from me. I began just watching and saying small things like "ooh... ah... wow..." and suddenly toys were being thrust in my hands and I was yanked into participation. It took me a while to make sense of it, but intuitively I knew it had something to do with control: time & time again it seems the heart of being there for kids is respecting their autonomy as much as possible because so little of life is at their disposal. They make so few choices for themselves that answering lots of questions or having their play overly infiltrated is a huge experience for them even if for us it feels like barely a moment in our day. When you look at it like that you realize how polite ignoring actually is, because I know when I feel invaded I wanna yell "get away from me!" so they're _still_ trying to behave. It's wonderful to learn how to be truly invited into a child's world instead of just tolerated.
Your comment just reinforced an idea I’ve been formulating for some time - that our society still struggles with respecting children’s autonomy and ability to know themselves and what they want, especially very young ones. To try to be respectful and allow them to be different than you expect them to behave can be and is seen as spoiling them. As if raising a child means to exert control and superiority rather than be a mutually collaborative effort for the wellbeing of that child. It is a repeating cycle because that’s how those same people were likely treated as children too. Not just children, but for any minority group, and I would argue even for non-human animals as well, that mainstream society underestimates their intelligence because they cannot or are not given the chance to speak for themselves, and that their wants/needs are not expressed in the way we expect them to, so they might as well not exist. And that’s why awareness, visibility, and advocacy are so important.
Excellent way to put it, all the questions feels very demanding and like they are REQUIRING that whatever I’m playing with is now about them. Like bugger out of my private imaginations, this feels invasive and abrupt and you’re not entitled to know my feelings
In a weird way, this made me think of how I get into fandoms as an Autistic adult. If you ask me to watch something with you, I won’t watch it. I got into a bunch of my fandoms because my parents or sister were watching it one day and I walked in and slowly became engrossed with it, and next thing I know it’s 3:00am and I’m ten pages deep on AO3
Yesss. Exactly. Friends in Discord servers too. "I'm gonna streaming Media Thing if anyone wants to pop their head in, no pressure" amd then you have the choice to interact or not. And if you like the thing, you gain an additional common topic! 💛 (And even more tabs of stuff to read on Ao3 😂)
@@theyoftheravensyou just made me realize why my go-to bonding activity is rewatching my favorite shows with new people I meet... I want to experience things i like WITH people I care about
I have so many memories from early childhood where I would line up my toys in beautiful, perfect rows, only to have some random adult mess them all up, grab a random toy out of the middle, start roleplaying a corny scene with it, and act shocked when I don't enthusiastically join in. Like do you think I dumped all my toys out on the ground and the animals just happened to fall into perfectly straight lines, organized by color and species??
Exactly. Like this took me time, and I don't care if you think I'm playing "wrong", I'm having fun so it's play. Unfortunately I was forced to join in on this "playing" by my parents "to be nice to the person trying to include you". Ah yes, the "inclusion" of someone busting in, ruining what I was doing, telling me I'm doing it wrong and informing me how I'm supposed to have fun. So "inclusive".
That exquisitely portrays how they weren’t wanting to play _with YOU_ , they wanted YOU to play with THEM. “Cater to me! Entertain me! Everything is about me! I’m more important than you!” And the fact they didn’t slow down for one second to observe and see that you were purposefully doing something… if adults don’t take the time to _see_ a child and listen and take in information, that’s not socializing. That’s dictating.
One of my favorite interactions with my nephew was when he was 3/4, he was on the floor lining up cars while all the adults talked around him. I sat near him and just started holding out cars from his pile for him. We had so much fun! He'd lined them up, then threw them back into a pile and waited for me to hand him one.❤ I'll never forget that
My non-speaking autistic niece recently came up and held my hand completely unprompted. I nearly cried. My younger brother, who's allistic but despite that is really intuitive when it comes to people, figured out the way to bond with our niece was to just be near her, not bother her, not to try and force yourself into her world. After a few visits of just sitting quietly near her but otherwise essentially ignoring her, she'd start to feel comfortable enough to allow you into her world. It worked. She grabbed my hand, and we spun around together, something I hadn't done since childhood and we giggled. It was so lovely. Can't wait to see her again.
That is such a sweet story, thank you for sharing it. I hope one day people can be the same with Autistic adults! I'm tired of people trying to force me into a box at work and not respecting what I say I know I need!
@@shield_maiden_ thank you! My niece is such a wonderful girl. We were pretty close when she was a baby, such fond memories of her falling asleep on my chest. As she made it to three, and her autistic traits really came to the fore, it became so difficult to have any kind of interaction with her. The only person she responded to was her mum. But her parents are so accepting of her, she's been allowed to develop without much pressure to be anything but herself, and now she's 5 she's starting to really bloom as this wonderful, joyful young girl who despite being completely non-speaking is clearly super intelligent. As an autistic man myself, I completely understand you there. I've been super lucky as the company I work for realised we were all far more productive working from home during the pandemic, we're on an almost entirely work from home basis, which has really allowed me to thrive. I'm a coder by trade, but have since coped with being moved into a completely different role, still some coding, but mostly managing the delivery of advertising content and exploring new advertising mediums - I've literally never been happier. Work from home is a game changer for us autistics, though I do find myself working well beyond my scheduled hours. It's saturday right now and I'm at my computer working away because I've grown to love it so much without having to deal with the pressures of working in a huge and busy open-plan office. Sorry, rambling on a bit there.... If you don't mind me asking, what is it you do? Are you able to wfh?
Your younger brother is awesomely preceptive! I'm an autistic adult. I have a rabbit, and a while back it occurred to me that rabbits are a lot like us. The way to bond with a rabbit is exactly the same as what your brother figured out about your niece. Thank you so much for sharing that!
Parellel play is still play can sometimes be the best play. Interacting and comunicating takes energy. Some autistic people just prefer to chill next to people doing thier own thing. Its a no stress social interaction.
The “just being in each others space without being obtrusive” is how I bond w ppl as well. It does take time which makes ppl think I’m not interested in them so :(
As a neurotypical person, I treat young autistic kids as if they were cats. I ignore them and do my own thing, i.e. parallel play. I wait for them to make the first move. It's only once they're very comfortable with me that I start entering their personal space unprompted. I also give them space if they suddenly get upset. I'm a cat whisperer and people are always amazed to see my cat follow me everywhere. I simply take the time to analyze their body language and mimic it to communicate. I noticed that the same strategy works with autistic people, especially those with high support needs and/or those who are really young.
As an almost 30-year-old autistic with co-occurring ADHD and CPTSD, who is also a cat whisperer, I commend thee. That respect of personal space and autonomy needs to be paramount, and it sounds like you're doing a good job with both the autistics and the cats in your life. I adopted my cat from the 'spicy' section of the shelter, and they were like 'Holy crap, how is she so chill with you? When she got here, she attacked literally anyone who got within 5 feet of her.' and I told them 'Well, I just did what I would've wanted someone to do if I was her, and let /her/ decide whether to get closer to /me/.' And now I've had her for over 4 years and she's the bestest little snugglebean
I remember as a kid, it was so frustrating when someone would come insert themself into my play, demanding I speak and focus on them. I also hated feeling condescended to in any way, which of course the simplified questions and baby voice didn’t help with. I know now that they just wanted to bond with me and had no way of knowing that what I needed was different than other kids… but all through elementary, I felt like adults were my enemy, an could never understand me or be talked to like we were both people.
Yeah, I dont understand, why are they talking so much and dont just let them play in peace. May be an exaggerated example in the video, got secondhand stressed by the behavior haha for me as i was an nd kid I just wanted to be let alone doing my stuff and showing them afterwards. If someone came and said stuff like „dont you want to do it in another way“ it was immediately bad for me. Didnt know I was nd until 25 years old
My god, YES!!! You don’t have to push in with children right away. Observe first, and accept that maybe it’s not about you and what you need out of the exchange. As an adult, how do you feel when you’re reading and someone comes up to you and starts talking your ear off? Love this!
Autistic people are like cats - they might make zero sense until you start paying attention to the individual and then communkcation becomes second nature. At least that's a how I felt growing up being all hissy and biting things I didn't like. It's honestly kind of funny how my cats helped my parents read me because I would often copy The Felines in some way depending on the situation because they behaved more similarly to me than other people, especially when I stressed. Sometimes we would go be stressed together, as they didn't like having guests arlund either, so one cat would usjally go outside and the other one would come stay in my room with me until every person that we didn't want to be there had left. I was the cat whisperer in the family so maybe it was just random, but it's hard to deny how helpful having a couple of furballs around was for improving me and my parents' ability to communicate.
My family didn't allow pets when I was growing up, but now I have 7 cats of my own and they have taught me a lot about how I prefer to interact with the world. I have strong masking traits and mimicking my cats has been a way to connect to my genuine feelings and meet my needs more effectively. 🐈⬛🌟
I think a lot of autistic children connect with animals really well explicitly because they provide comfortable companionship without being invasive or demanding, as people are. There's also tons of non-verbal communication, which I certainly prefer anyway. You don't need to talk to get basic ideas across, and bonded pet-owner pairs can essentially read each other's thoughts through body language and actions alone.
@@crungushakooter Our cats and dogs usually don't communicate needs to my wife or kids. They love everyone's companionship, but when the food dish is empty they bother me.
I have ADHD and cats love me. 😂 I just kind of chill a while nearby. Even if they hiss at first. Eventually they realize I’m just hanging out and not trying to interact or threaten them. Then they start checking me out. Then they give a few test head boops. Even then, I don’t necessarily pet them unless they start petting me with their face first. They’re like, “Heyyy hooman dumbass! Pet me please! We’re friends now!” 😂
Yes omg your shorts remind me of my childhood. Adults were so annoying with all their condescending questions and pretending to care, as an adult obviously now I know they mean well and most kids are just simpler to bond with, but as a kid it was like “why are they so set on annoying me like this!!”😂
Im an autistic adult but when the guyy started asking all those questions i qas immediately ticked off. I guess I still have this trait even as an adult
Yeah I got ticked off too😂 I think it’s the insincerity perhaps? I’ve noticed most kids don’t pick up on it but I was always sensitive to it, like I hated when adults would pretend like what I was doing was the most amazing thing in the world, instead of just being a normal person with me lol. Also I hate having my thoughts interrupted even as an adult, anytime I’m having to talk to someone, it means I’m not able to be in ‘thinking’ or creative mode so it gets frustrating when there’s something I really was looking forward to thinking about or doing.
Yep, me too. Just go away and let me play dinosaurs in peace. And how is it that this strange adult isn't just desperate to pick up those spare dinosaurs. I bet they feel so awesome with their bumpy bits and big long tails! 🦕
Same! Its also the weird voice that adults use with kids that drive me insane. I'm assuming their intent is to simplify their language to be easier for the child to understand, but to me it just sounds so condescending. Like just use a normal tone of voice!
@@LilChuunosukethat’s insane. All adults use a sweet voice with kids. It’s like human nature. After a certain age it’s inappropriate but with young children it’s good.
@mommalion7028 I totally agree with you, but often when kids do things that younger kids do, like playing with cool rocks, drawing with crayons, etc even though they are past the age where you use a baby voice, adults go back to using that little kid voice. I assumed that the person you replied to was trying to talk about kids around 8 or so, since that's around the middle between toddler and teen, but I could be wrong. Have a nice day 😊
I was trained in child play therapy and this is literally exactly what we’re taught. And not even for autistic kids specifically! This was just the number one rule for the child centered play therapy model.
Im an autistic adult and have found that in general, i work really well with kids. Like that point you had about letting them take the lead. I have genuine curiosity about what theyre are doing and if they want me to participate they usually involve me physically or verbally. If they dont, i just chill. And it even comes to getting me when i leave even if we werent directly interacting
This sounds like me. I've always been great at relating to children. Unfortunately this was extrapolated by adults in my life thinking teen me was good at *caring* for children, which I was not intuitively great at. Then when I would make a big mistake (in their opinion) I'd be reprimanded for not knowing better, but I was never given instruction. Relating to children and anticipating their needs are two very different skill sets. 😅
Great skills for working with kids who are just shy too. I babysat a kid who was super shy and attached at the hip to her mom. I would gently offer her something I was using and if she didn't want it I would play parallel to her until she showed interest in what I was doing. Let kids show you how they operate and what they are comfortable with. Don't force things on them or control them when you don't need to.
i started working at a school with a non-verbal autistic boy around 7yo and my immediate response to his play was imitating and parallel play. It feels nice knowing that i intuitively did it right.. probably because im autistic too 😂❤
I struggle with this with my son. He’s five and a half years old now and I’m trying to teach him the improv rule of ‘yes and…’ when playing pretend with others.
I love that!! ❤️ Learning “yes and…” will take him so much further than “no, let’s do it my way”. It can take years of practice, but that is SO important to teach! 👏🏻
I've worked in childcare since i graduated high school, and imitating the child is the number one tip I gave my coworkers when it comes to autistic kids. It's also great with any kid who doesnt have a great hold on language yet. It very quickly becomes a game where we are mimicking each other and they always light up. I realized that it helps by accident. One day I just decided to copy a baby who kept leaning her head over, and she got a kick out of it so I kept doing it.
I am 42 and I have Autism. I never liked it at all when teachers or adults would exclaim "cool! Good job!" Or any of that, because I was severely bullied, and the kids would say "cool! Good job!" in a sarcastic way, but it was hard for me to see the difference. Having an adult say 'I sincerely like what you are making" or "I like those toys too, those are awesome" is more helpful. It is so hard for me to tell if someone is friendly, so as a way to keep myself safe, I used to assume everyone was mean and avoided them. Not trying to upset anyone with my opinion. I wish us all the best in this life ❤
i had the opposite problem where i trusted too many people wayyy too much. took me until my teen years to learn what bad faith engagement looked like in others
This is such wonderful advice for interractions with children in general, whether they are neurodivergent or not. And it's how I've always instinctively interracted with my little cousin (4), since I generally feel awkward and don't know what to do and I just sit around him. I let him do his thing, participate if he asks me, reafirm his play, redirect certain behaviours with explanations. And he learnt pretty early that I'll stay with him, especially outside in the countryside, so he started asking me to stay with him, sometimes telling me where exactly to sit. Last year he screamed my name happily from the other end of the yard when I entered❤
My child was diagnosed young. I've always allowed them to stim freely, and invite me into their world as they see fit. Then i learned about scripting, and since then we have gotten more verbal responses from them. They also now can request certain scripts based on those interactions, which helps with public overwhelm for them. (Note: they/them/their used to protect my child entirely from the internets, not because they identified this as the pronoun they'd prefer).
I’m autistic and work with autistic children and I use phrases like “I wonder” a lot. It’s open ended and my clients never feel the need to respond, but typically do. I’m basically narrating play alongside them. Also, mirroring typically creates connection as well for me.
I always felt like adults asking questions were them judging and questioning what I was doing and it felt bad, but now as an adult I realize much of the time they were just trying to show interest.
My nephew is autistic, as soon as he hit around 3 years old I was looking at him like "👀 you're just like me" and this video is gonna be super helpful for play time the next time I get to see him 🧡 ty Kaelynn
went to visit my family across the country last weekend and my cousin just found out two of her kids were autistic like a month ago. i knew last year just by spending a few hours, haha. maybe i should speak up more.
I have started watching my autistic nephew during the week and came on here looking for resources to help him grow.This was very re-assuring and helpful, I would love to see more things like this! (also laughing because I JUST watched you on LOTS) He was diagnosed non verbal a while back but recently started making sounds really close to words! I have been trying to casullay introduce numbers and letters as we play and he loves pointing at things to make me count them and laughs so hard when he goes really fast and I trip over my tongue. Anyway, today we sat down and were sticking popsicle sticks into play dough and he counted the sticks as he stabbed them in (slurred, but still!!!) I almost cried seeing him making a connection like that because everyone has assumed he simply can't but I just know he is a smartie.
I had a workmate that I was told was VERY silent and not to be offended. At the time I thought I was different, only recently I learned what KIND of different. Because I was on a similar level, I could get this guy to talk to me WAY more than others could.
my baby cousin is 3 and he hasn't been diagnosed with autism or anything but he often ignores you when asked questions and it's much easier to interact with him by playing with the other toys around him, he gets super talkative and instructs me on where to go once i've joined with another toy car.
I definitely find narrating what the child's doing to be a good way of showing interest but not trying to force them to interact with you if they aren't ready-- like "Let's see, we've got all these markers-- ooh, you chose a yellow one to color in the sun, excellent choice. Okay, and now we've got purple... I love how carefully you're coloring in that flower," etc.
I love the metaphor of a different currency ❤ Reminds me of my days in nursing at the dementia ward. I was really good at communicating with my patients, as soon as I had figured out what communication "currency" each of them used!
I was born with a very minor case of autism, it really only affects emotional responses in tense situations, but my parents have seemed completely oblivious as to how to effectively deal with these kinds of situations, and that’s manifested as me taking no interest in them because they screwed up so terribly over the years.
There is one person in our life who absolutely can't stop INTERROGATING my kids when we talk no matter how much we try to explain that the kids feel intimidated by intense questioning. They can't figure out why my kids don't talk to them more. 🤦🏼♀️
When I was a kid for me socializing was just staying side by side in silence, so when I wanted to interact with my mom I just stood there close to her but she loves to talk and it was so difficult because of that. Now 23 years later I discover I am autistic
I knew a woman who would try to force the neighbours autistic daughter to make eye contact to 'get her out of her shell'. It was so uncomfortable to watch and made me mad
As someone who was diagnosed as an adult things like this are very helpful to know. I think I instinctively avoid this with my neices and other children not only because I am autistic but because I don't want to press them with demands and parallel play style and doing crafts together in near silence just sounds way more fun. They respond well to it and seem more comfortable if I just chill there and show an interest in playing with their other toys near them, instead of making a big deal out of trying to make them talk to me.
I couldn't help laughing at this one, that guy's voice reminds me so much of Steve Carell's military general character in Space Force, who I imagine would similarly interact ineptly with we autistic folk. #bootsonthemoon
As a girl on the spectrum, i demonstrate Intrest in someone by telling you all about my special interest and soaking up every piece of information about the other person
No WONDER the little autistic kids at my school all love me! I tend to respect their boundaries and only interact with them when they come to me. I also do funny voices and noises when I play with them/in general. I’m a TA and autistic at a special needs school. The school actually helped me get past my trauma from middle school so that’s why I’m still there.
As an autistic person, I feel these things on a personal level. I feel like being autistic makes me better with kids and dogs because I understand them a little better than most adults, even though I’m not an adult yet I’m still old enough to be considered a grown up by the kids I interact with. I have learned how to command respect but still work with the kids like when I’m a crew leader for vacation bible school and I let the kids go at their own pace and participate as they feel comfortable. My niblings always ask for me when they come over, always asking “where’s Dee Dee?” I teach them things and they love it.
Hi Kaelynn! I’m an elementary teacher and respite care provider who works with Autistic children and I wanted to say I really appreciate your channel and all the kind work you do to share insights and help people to better understand the Autism Spectrum. I had a little guy in my 4th grade class last year and we definitely bonded over a shared love of basketball!
Thank you Kaelynn for making this video! I will start working in a daycare very soon (I am being trained) and there is a girl in my group (mostly 2 to 3 year olds) that is acting very differently than the other kids, and I suspect autism. She shows extremely little emotions, does not speak (then again, she is 2-ish..), doesnt play with the other kids or actively participate in group activities (no singing or dancing or even clapping). I havent observed any melt downs or stimming to date however. Whether that diagnosis is true or not doesnt even matter that much, but I need to know how I can best support her development, whatever the reason behind her behaviour is. And for that, I need to be able to “reach” her. At the minimum, I absolutely need to be able to tell whether she is okay, whether she needs something etc…. This has been so helpful to kickstart my brain, and will help me approach drawn back kids in general, not just kids with autism!
Trauma can do that too, plus trauma and autism are not mutually exclusive. I would try to watch how the guardian(s) interacts with the child when they think no one is nearby or watching, just to make sure everything's fine at home. All too often, trauma gets missed due to developmental issues
Parallel play is a totally undrrated form of play for NT's. NTs often think if you and another person aren't interacting you aren't spending time together, but I can say some of my best memories with my best friends are us doing separate activities near each other. It is low stress, calming, and it's nice to not be alone even if I don't have the energy or space to interact/talk/share.
One thing that always bothers me is fake social transactions. Small talk, compliments, dumb questions. All of it is annoying and just feels forced. Like how people in television commercials talk about the product like psychopaths
As an IA, I have definitely learned a lot of the strategies Katelynn has mentioned through trial and error. And even then, I still make mistakes and talk too much sometimes since I’m so used to having to give in conversations I don’t really care about (ie. Small talk and when I did customer service). 😂 I want to consistently learn and improve how I work with my students, many of whom are on the Autism spectrum. 🥰
I start my narrating my kids' play before I try to play with them. I joke that I have "my kids" at work. I'm autistic and was diagnosed at age 4. I've worked in a clinical setting for almost 4yrs now, and I worked in childcare and even adult direct care at a facility for adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities. My kids know I'm one of them without me telling them (there is data to point to autistics being able to implicitly know that someone they are engaging with is also autistic in less than a minute of interaction). So many of my kids don't want me to play with them, and that's fine with me, but they still want that engagement and interaction. They let me know when to join their play and how to do it. One loves when I start with "A is for..." and we go through the entire alphabet. Another likes me singing a finger song for each character puppet as they put them on their fingers. One of the kids I've worked with for almost 2yrs now basically treated me like an embarrassing parent and told me to sit down when I tried to do the Cupid Shuffle with their group (I've been informed I will become family when they graduate services, so valid response).
Love this!!! Spot On! I try on so many occasions to bond with my child, 10 years old, level 2 on the autism spectrum. When I make comments on a video or book that he’s engaged with, he’s over it! 😅 I think to myself, “Well that didn’t work.” 🤪 He always wants me to be present, but he does NOT want me to do anything else 😂. I can only laugh about it now. No reading next to him, making notes, on another device, cleaning, etc. he just wants my presence, even if not engaged. He considers it quality time, in my perspective. I know he’s allowed me in his world when he reaches out for a kiss, because he’s proud of himself, which is actually quite cute. It was frustrating to figure out in the beginning, You just validated everything he’s expressed towards me and has worked thus far; waiting for his initiation, making noises related to vehicles and animals, and praising him when he gets verbiage, colors, etc right. He allows me to become part of his world. Fault: don’t make it a learning lesson at all 😅. Fun and play is the only way to go. Follow their lead. I know I’m on the right track when he leans in for a kiss of love, appreciation, acceptance, and praise. Thank you for this validation and sharing with us the proper way to connect; as I believe most parents struggle with this ability to connect. 😬
I’m autistic. I’m moderate, but still overall high functioning. What bothers me is when people treat me like I’m stupid or isolate me or take pity on me as if I “simply don’t belong.” Just because I’m autistic doesn’t mean I don’t understand, and it doesn’t mean I don’t need the same acceptance that others are given. I want to believe that there’s hope for people like me and those who are nonverbal to belong in the world.
The person that assessed me for diagnosis when I was 51 told me to make up a story using certain characters. I did so. She said I lacked imagination. At 57 the novel that I wrote won an award. 😂 I guess she was wrong.
I'm AuHD and work with mostly Autistic and a few Down Syndrome kids. I do parallel play a lot, because we each get to do our own thing, and I become a safe person to be around when it is time to work on an assignment for class.
im an autistic teen or i probably have it but undiagnosed and the part about the positive response part is so true, or if its just a conversation with my hyperfixations, the gay fishy bois (disneys Luca), fnaf, and The legend of zelda
I loved this information! Would you be able to make another video to elaborate more on the types of positive approches you listed at the end of the video? I also think example situations would be helpful in learning different communication strategies.
Hey Kaelyn, could you make another video demonstrating those more effective strategies for interaction? Seeing you model what they look like would be super helpful!
One of the little boys who goes to the same school as me has Autism and he is nonverbal. He started playing with us one day and now he is my little bestie. Sad I graduated
All of these make total sense to me and I’ve been doing them with my kids and kids that I can sense are on the spectrum. My number one go to: LISTEN! Step 1: Listen. Step 2: Listen. Step 3 (and I cannot stress this enough) … …. Badgers no no wait I mean listen!😅
as a kid I probably would have just talked for an hour about how much every toy would cost added together based on their color of course at any point during that I might have gotten distracted with something completely different but who knows
Honestly it often irritated me when adults asked these kinds of questions its like they expect a certain answer or response instead of wanting my real response. Like when s eone asks "Are you gking to put that here?" It feels like less of a question and more like theyre expecting or asking me to put that object there. But when someone asks "where re you going to put that?" It doesn't indicate any placewhere i should put it so it makes it easier for me to answer. Basically when questions seem to lead to a specific response it stresses me out cus i feel like ill do the wrong thing 😅
You know, I find that this is probably decent advice for neurotypicals also. It's expected for someone to ask questions but even your standard child will start to feel like they're being interrogated.
That’s for the next video. But I had to show the mistake because it’s shockingly common and people need to understand WHY it’s a mistake to begin with.
Thank you for this!! Do you have any recommendations for interacting with autistic people that are a little older, like 12-14 or does the same advice still apply?
I'd think the same advice would still apply. I'm an autistic adult, and even I have problems answering questions out of nowhere. People typically want quick answers, but that's not how my brain works. So, leaving room for them to actually think through an answer would probably be appreciated. And for the love of god, whatever you do, don't sigh when they're trying to come up with an answer. I've had multiple people do this to me. It never feels good.
I'm an autistic teenager (I'll be 16 in a few months) and some things I don't like is when people stand really close to me while talking, and when they hug me without asking, and when they try to get me to talk to them.
Interesting. I work with kids using Parent Child Interaction Therapy and we describe what kids are doing, regardless of whether they are neurodivergent or not. It sounds very similar to what you're suggesting for autistic kids.
As an AuDHD adult, my instinctive response would be parallel play. Just do your thing next to the kid, even better if the thing might be interesting for the kid too. Don't try to drag them in - if they consider it fun, they'll join in on their own if you make it clear they're welcome. I have no experience with nonverbal communication, but (might sound funny, but hear me out) based on communication with my cats - best way to communicate is to just observe and notice patterns to learn which gesture, which sound means what. I know at least 20-30 different gestures, poses and sounds that correspond to 'words' used by my cats consistently to ask for food, treats, play time, brushing etc. Also - quietly observing is also an autistic thing to do. We have to mask all the time to fit into the neurotypical society, it seems only fair if neurotypical people would mask and try to mimick the autistic person they want to bond with...
My son just turned 6, he doesn’t really engage with other kids and prefers to be on his own. It’s hard just observing him and wanting to do things with him. Do you have any advice on eating? He eats like 3 things… I’d love a video on getting autistic kids to try new foods. ❤
remember - especially for people who struggle with either speech or social interaction (or both) questions are often not fun, they are demands. We are asking something of them - we may be asking them to do something theyre not very good at or takes a lot of effort (processing speech - formulating an appropriate answer - speaking)
Yup!! I was minimally verbal as a kid, so when adults came up to me, inserted themselves into my playtime, and expected me to suddenly jump into roleplay, it was extremely distressing. All it would do was make me extremely anxious and trigger a speech loss episode.
As a kid, I was told, "Don't ignore someone when they're talking to you!" which just added onto the stress.
@@EverydayFunny1992 yep. Especially if they are trying to get you to play a completely different way that you don't want to do, but because "oh but they're being nice" you'd be forced to play their way instead. Like forcing someone to do something they are uncomfortable doing is not being nice.
A lot of the example "questions" in the video read like demands. If you're telling them where the puzzle piece "should" go (even if it"s phrased as a question) rather than letting them play with it the way they want to play with it, you're demanding that they act normal rather than act autistic. That's just telling a kid to mask as neurotypical, which can easily be traumatic and abusive.
I am not autistic or at least not diagnosed, but I live in a country where I'm not fluent in the language (I speak it, but it requires very active thought and is quite difficult and sometimes understanding something takes an extra 5-10 seconds) and this is also true for me.
Questions, especially open-ended ones that expect a lengthy response, cause genuine panic. Questions make misunderstanding and embarrassment so much easier than someone simply making a statement that I can just nod to or a joke I can simply laugh at. I genuinely feel a level of panic when someone turns to me and ask something like "what did you do during the weekend?" as I suddenly have to string a sentence together where I get conjugation, gender agreement, prepositions, pronouns, vocabulary, etc. correct.
Okay but imitating noises they make is how I've connected with several kids I've worked with. I'm a school parapro who also happens to be autistic. My first year I worked one on one with a little girl who made a sort of "humming" sound to communicate. So I started doing it back to her. She was so shocked the first time I did it I'm confident no one has ever tried it with her before, but it became a surefire way to connect with her and even calm her down!
My daughter does something very similar. I call it "vocalizing" because it's not words, just sounds, like a singer just doing the "ahh"s and "ooo"s. She always looks at me with minor confusion and definitive focus because no one else ever does it. Even her mom does it more in her own way that our daughters, and I think that's why she looks at me funny when I do it. Never really thought about it as connecting before now, because she always looks confused, like she's not sure why I'm doing it the way she does. Now, I'm thinking that maybe it's her own sort of language and I'm suddenly, and kind of accidently, speaking it back to her..
Yep, I do the same with my uncle, who has brain injury induced Dementia and is probably undiagnosed autistic as well. His words often get scrambled, but he communicates well through non-word sounds and echolalia of phrases and advertising jingles, etc... I naturally respond to him in the same way because echolalia is a thing for me as well. And yes, I get the surprised stare at first, but then he seems quite happy to communicate that way.
Once, during a visit, my brother said, "It's such a shame he can't communicate how he's feeling." I was stunned! I can totally pick up on his emotions through the choice of jingle or way non-word noises sound.
That’s really cool, I sort of intuitively did that with a nonspeaking teen who hummed all the time :) He seemed pretty surprised at first and then seemed to warm up to me a little
I can speak just fine but I still make noises and repeat words, it would be fun if someone did that with me lol
@AmeliaEarhart53756 me too! Fancy doing a strong tongue click? 👅 That's one of mine. It usually pops out when I'm happy. Tell me one of yours and I will do it too 😊 We can be Autistic echolalia and noises, buddies. 💜
As an Autistic adult, my instinctive response is parallel play. Playing with similar objects nearby. Eg those unused dinosaurs on the floor look mighty tempting 🦕
Yesss! That's what the sonrise program teaches. It's called joining and so effective to build a bond . Works so well with my children
I'm also an autistic adult and it makes me feel so loved when my friends join in with me and my interests
@@mirandamccoubrey1714 yes 🐦🐦⬛🦃🦉🐥🦅💖
I'm an autistic adult and me and my other neurodivergent friends always ask "do you want to chat or will we be on our phones together?" When we hang out. It's parallel play for adults. Or it can be doing separate crafts or both reading books or something.
My husband and I say we are our favorite people to read next to.
this also works for very young children in general! i remember learning to "tone it down" for 1-3yos and they immediately stopped ignoring me and turning from me. I began just watching and saying small things like "ooh... ah... wow..." and suddenly toys were being thrust in my hands and I was yanked into participation. It took me a while to make sense of it, but intuitively I knew it had something to do with control: time & time again it seems the heart of being there for kids is respecting their autonomy as much as possible because so little of life is at their disposal. They make so few choices for themselves that answering lots of questions or having their play overly infiltrated is a huge experience for them even if for us it feels like barely a moment in our day. When you look at it like that you realize how polite ignoring actually is, because I know when I feel invaded I wanna yell "get away from me!" so they're _still_ trying to behave. It's wonderful to learn how to be truly invited into a child's world instead of just tolerated.
This was an interesting perspective. Thanks for the idea!
Your comment just reinforced an idea I’ve been formulating for some time - that our society still struggles with respecting children’s autonomy and ability to know themselves and what they want, especially very young ones. To try to be respectful and allow them to be different than you expect them to behave can be and is seen as spoiling them. As if raising a child means to exert control and superiority rather than be a mutually collaborative effort for the wellbeing of that child. It is a repeating cycle because that’s how those same people were likely treated as children too.
Not just children, but for any minority group, and I would argue even for non-human animals as well, that mainstream society underestimates their intelligence because they cannot or are not given the chance to speak for themselves, and that their wants/needs are not expressed in the way we expect them to, so they might as well not exist. And that’s why awareness, visibility, and advocacy are so important.
Exactly!
Excellent way to put it, all the questions feels very demanding and like they are REQUIRING that whatever I’m playing with is now about them. Like bugger out of my private imaginations, this feels invasive and abrupt and you’re not entitled to know my feelings
@@alexia3552Exactly! And even worse is when said invaders label you as incognizant because you ignore them!
In a weird way, this made me think of how I get into fandoms as an Autistic adult. If you ask me to watch something with you, I won’t watch it. I got into a bunch of my fandoms because my parents or sister were watching it one day and I walked in and slowly became engrossed with it, and next thing I know it’s 3:00am and I’m ten pages deep on AO3
Yesss. Exactly. Friends in Discord servers too. "I'm gonna streaming Media Thing if anyone wants to pop their head in, no pressure" amd then you have the choice to interact or not. And if you like the thing, you gain an additional common topic! 💛 (And even more tabs of stuff to read on Ao3 😂)
@@theyoftheravensyou just made me realize why my go-to bonding activity is rewatching my favorite shows with new people I meet... I want to experience things i like WITH people I care about
I have so many memories from early childhood where I would line up my toys in beautiful, perfect rows, only to have some random adult mess them all up, grab a random toy out of the middle, start roleplaying a corny scene with it, and act shocked when I don't enthusiastically join in.
Like do you think I dumped all my toys out on the ground and the animals just happened to fall into perfectly straight lines, organized by color and species??
That's very rude of the adults to do that, they should've asked first.
Exactly. Like this took me time, and I don't care if you think I'm playing "wrong", I'm having fun so it's play. Unfortunately I was forced to join in on this "playing" by my parents "to be nice to the person trying to include you". Ah yes, the "inclusion" of someone busting in, ruining what I was doing, telling me I'm doing it wrong and informing me how I'm supposed to have fun. So "inclusive".
😢
That exquisitely portrays how they weren’t wanting to play _with YOU_ , they wanted YOU to play with THEM. “Cater to me! Entertain me! Everything is about me! I’m more important than you!” And the fact they didn’t slow down for one second to observe and see that you were purposefully doing something… if adults don’t take the time to _see_ a child and listen and take in information, that’s not socializing. That’s dictating.
One of my favorite interactions with my nephew was when he was 3/4, he was on the floor lining up cars while all the adults talked around him. I sat near him and just started holding out cars from his pile for him. We had so much fun!
He'd lined them up, then threw them back into a pile and waited for me to hand him one.❤ I'll never forget that
My non-speaking autistic niece recently came up and held my hand completely unprompted. I nearly cried.
My younger brother, who's allistic but despite that is really intuitive when it comes to people, figured out the way to bond with our niece was to just be near her, not bother her, not to try and force yourself into her world. After a few visits of just sitting quietly near her but otherwise essentially ignoring her, she'd start to feel comfortable enough to allow you into her world. It worked.
She grabbed my hand, and we spun around together, something I hadn't done since childhood and we giggled. It was so lovely. Can't wait to see her again.
That is such a sweet story, thank you for sharing it.
I hope one day people can be the same with Autistic adults! I'm tired of people trying to force me into a box at work and not respecting what I say I know I need!
@@shield_maiden_ thank you! My niece is such a wonderful girl. We were pretty close when she was a baby, such fond memories of her falling asleep on my chest. As she made it to three, and her autistic traits really came to the fore, it became so difficult to have any kind of interaction with her. The only person she responded to was her mum. But her parents are so accepting of her, she's been allowed to develop without much pressure to be anything but herself, and now she's 5 she's starting to really bloom as this wonderful, joyful young girl who despite being completely non-speaking is clearly super intelligent.
As an autistic man myself, I completely understand you there. I've been super lucky as the company I work for realised we were all far more productive working from home during the pandemic, we're on an almost entirely work from home basis, which has really allowed me to thrive. I'm a coder by trade, but have since coped with being moved into a completely different role, still some coding, but mostly managing the delivery of advertising content and exploring new advertising mediums - I've literally never been happier. Work from home is a game changer for us autistics, though I do find myself working well beyond my scheduled hours. It's saturday right now and I'm at my computer working away because I've grown to love it so much without having to deal with the pressures of working in a huge and busy open-plan office. Sorry, rambling on a bit there....
If you don't mind me asking, what is it you do? Are you able to wfh?
Your younger brother is awesomely preceptive! I'm an autistic adult. I have a rabbit, and a while back it occurred to me that rabbits are a lot like us. The way to bond with a rabbit is exactly the same as what your brother figured out about your niece. Thank you so much for sharing that!
Parellel play is still play can sometimes be the best play.
Interacting and comunicating takes energy.
Some autistic people just prefer to chill next to people doing thier own thing. Its a no stress social interaction.
The “just being in each others space without being obtrusive” is how I bond w ppl as well. It does take time which makes ppl think I’m not interested in them so :(
As a neurotypical person, I treat young autistic kids as if they were cats. I ignore them and do my own thing, i.e. parallel play. I wait for them to make the first move. It's only once they're very comfortable with me that I start entering their personal space unprompted. I also give them space if they suddenly get upset. I'm a cat whisperer and people are always amazed to see my cat follow me everywhere. I simply take the time to analyze their body language and mimic it to communicate. I noticed that the same strategy works with autistic people, especially those with high support needs and/or those who are really young.
As an almost 30-year-old autistic with co-occurring ADHD and CPTSD, who is also a cat whisperer, I commend thee. That respect of personal space and autonomy needs to be paramount, and it sounds like you're doing a good job with both the autistics and the cats in your life. I adopted my cat from the 'spicy' section of the shelter, and they were like 'Holy crap, how is she so chill with you? When she got here, she attacked literally anyone who got within 5 feet of her.' and I told them 'Well, I just did what I would've wanted someone to do if I was her, and let /her/ decide whether to get closer to /me/.' And now I've had her for over 4 years and she's the bestest little snugglebean
It would work well with me as long as you don't pet me. 😂 Offering sardines is OK. 😂😂😂
I remember as a kid, it was so frustrating when someone would come insert themself into my play, demanding I speak and focus on them. I also hated feeling condescended to in any way, which of course the simplified questions and baby voice didn’t help with. I know now that they just wanted to bond with me and had no way of knowing that what I needed was different than other kids… but all through elementary, I felt like adults were my enemy, an could never understand me or be talked to like we were both people.
Yeah, I dont understand, why are they talking so much and dont just let them play in peace. May be an exaggerated example in the video, got secondhand stressed by the behavior haha for me as i was an nd kid I just wanted to be let alone doing my stuff and showing them afterwards. If someone came and said stuff like „dont you want to do it in another way“ it was immediately bad for me. Didnt know I was nd until 25 years old
You're still a kid
My god, YES!!! You don’t have to push in with children right away. Observe first, and accept that maybe it’s not about you and what you need out of the exchange.
As an adult, how do you feel when you’re reading and someone comes up to you and starts talking your ear off?
Love this!
Autistic people are like cats - they might make zero sense until you start paying attention to the individual and then communkcation becomes second nature.
At least that's a how I felt growing up being all hissy and biting things I didn't like. It's honestly kind of funny how my cats helped my parents read me because I would often copy The Felines in some way depending on the situation because they behaved more similarly to me than other people, especially when I stressed. Sometimes we would go be stressed together, as they didn't like having guests arlund either, so one cat would usjally go outside and the other one would come stay in my room with me until every person that we didn't want to be there had left. I was the cat whisperer in the family so maybe it was just random, but it's hard to deny how helpful having a couple of furballs around was for improving me and my parents' ability to communicate.
Being good with animals is a type 1 trait.
My family didn't allow pets when I was growing up, but now I have 7 cats of my own and they have taught me a lot about how I prefer to interact with the world. I have strong masking traits and mimicking my cats has been a way to connect to my genuine feelings and meet my needs more effectively. 🐈⬛🌟
I think a lot of autistic children connect with animals really well explicitly because they provide comfortable companionship without being invasive or demanding, as people are. There's also tons of non-verbal communication, which I certainly prefer anyway. You don't need to talk to get basic ideas across, and bonded pet-owner pairs can essentially read each other's thoughts through body language and actions alone.
@@crungushakooter Our cats and dogs usually don't communicate needs to my wife or kids. They love everyone's companionship, but when the food dish is empty they bother me.
I have ADHD and cats love me. 😂 I just kind of chill a while nearby. Even if they hiss at first. Eventually they realize I’m just hanging out and not trying to interact or threaten them. Then they start checking me out. Then they give a few test head boops. Even then, I don’t necessarily pet them unless they start petting me with their face first. They’re like, “Heyyy hooman dumbass! Pet me please! We’re friends now!” 😂
Yes omg your shorts remind me of my childhood. Adults were so annoying with all their condescending questions and pretending to care, as an adult obviously now I know they mean well and most kids are just simpler to bond with, but as a kid it was like “why are they so set on annoying me like this!!”😂
Thank you for your insight. My daughter is 7 and there are so many social things I wonder if she’ll ever be able to understand.
Im an autistic adult but when the guyy started asking all those questions i qas immediately ticked off. I guess I still have this trait even as an adult
Yeah I got ticked off too😂 I think it’s the insincerity perhaps? I’ve noticed most kids don’t pick up on it but I was always sensitive to it, like I hated when adults would pretend like what I was doing was the most amazing thing in the world, instead of just being a normal person with me lol. Also I hate having my thoughts interrupted even as an adult, anytime I’m having to talk to someone, it means I’m not able to be in ‘thinking’ or creative mode so it gets frustrating when there’s something I really was looking forward to thinking about or doing.
Yep, me too. Just go away and let me play dinosaurs in peace. And how is it that this strange adult isn't just desperate to pick up those spare dinosaurs. I bet they feel so awesome with their bumpy bits and big long tails! 🦕
Same! Its also the weird voice that adults use with kids that drive me insane. I'm assuming their intent is to simplify their language to be easier for the child to understand, but to me it just sounds so condescending. Like just use a normal tone of voice!
@@LilChuunosukethat’s insane. All adults use a sweet voice with kids. It’s like human nature. After a certain age it’s inappropriate but with young children it’s good.
@mommalion7028 I totally agree with you, but often when kids do things that younger kids do, like playing with cool rocks, drawing with crayons, etc even though they are past the age where you use a baby voice, adults go back to using that little kid voice. I assumed that the person you replied to was trying to talk about kids around 8 or so, since that's around the middle between toddler and teen, but I could be wrong. Have a nice day 😊
I was trained in child play therapy and this is literally exactly what we’re taught. And not even for autistic kids specifically! This was just the number one rule for the child centered play therapy model.
Im an autistic adult and have found that in general, i work really well with kids. Like that point you had about letting them take the lead. I have genuine curiosity about what theyre are doing and if they want me to participate they usually involve me physically or verbally. If they dont, i just chill. And it even comes to getting me when i leave even if we werent directly interacting
This sounds like me. I've always been great at relating to children. Unfortunately this was extrapolated by adults in my life thinking teen me was good at *caring* for children, which I was not intuitively great at. Then when I would make a big mistake (in their opinion) I'd be reprimanded for not knowing better, but I was never given instruction. Relating to children and anticipating their needs are two very different skill sets. 😅
Great skills for working with kids who are just shy too. I babysat a kid who was super shy and attached at the hip to her mom. I would gently offer her something I was using and if she didn't want it I would play parallel to her until she showed interest in what I was doing. Let kids show you how they operate and what they are comfortable with. Don't force things on them or control them when you don't need to.
i started working at a school with a non-verbal autistic boy around 7yo and my immediate response to his play was imitating and parallel play. It feels nice knowing that i intuitively did it right.. probably because im autistic too 😂❤
I’m also autistic and watching this I was like “Hey I do a lot of that already!” 😂
I struggle with this with my son. He’s five and a half years old now and I’m trying to teach him the improv rule of ‘yes and…’ when playing pretend with others.
I love that!! ❤️ Learning “yes and…” will take him so much further than “no, let’s do it my way”. It can take years of practice, but that is SO important to teach! 👏🏻
I've worked in childcare since i graduated high school, and imitating the child is the number one tip I gave my coworkers when it comes to autistic kids. It's also great with any kid who doesnt have a great hold on language yet. It very quickly becomes a game where we are mimicking each other and they always light up. I realized that it helps by accident. One day I just decided to copy a baby who kept leaning her head over, and she got a kick out of it so I kept doing it.
Lol the Oscar the grouch response, can I use that in my adult life? 😂
I don't see why not. 😂 I think I might start too.
If I have an Oscar tattoo, do I have to still say Scram out loud? 🚮😶🌫️
OH that was the reference! I was so confused but figured trash can meant personal space
I am 42 and I have Autism. I never liked it at all when teachers or adults would exclaim "cool! Good job!" Or any of that, because I was severely bullied, and the kids would say "cool! Good job!" in a sarcastic way, but it was hard for me to see the difference. Having an adult say 'I sincerely like what you are making" or "I like those toys too, those are awesome" is more helpful. It is so hard for me to tell if someone is friendly, so as a way to keep myself safe, I used to assume everyone was mean and avoided them. Not trying to upset anyone with my opinion. I wish us all the best in this life ❤
i had the opposite problem where i trusted too many people wayyy too much. took me until my teen years to learn what bad faith engagement looked like in others
This is such wonderful advice for interractions with children in general, whether they are neurodivergent or not. And it's how I've always instinctively interracted with my little cousin (4), since I generally feel awkward and don't know what to do and I just sit around him. I let him do his thing, participate if he asks me, reafirm his play, redirect certain behaviours with explanations. And he learnt pretty early that I'll stay with him, especially outside in the countryside, so he started asking me to stay with him, sometimes telling me where exactly to sit. Last year he screamed my name happily from the other end of the yard when I entered❤
My child was diagnosed young. I've always allowed them to stim freely, and invite me into their world as they see fit. Then i learned about scripting, and since then we have gotten more verbal responses from them. They also now can request certain scripts based on those interactions, which helps with public overwhelm for them. (Note: they/them/their used to protect my child entirely from the internets, not because they identified this as the pronoun they'd prefer).
I’m autistic and work with autistic children and I use phrases like “I wonder” a lot. It’s open ended and my clients never feel the need to respond, but typically do. I’m basically narrating play alongside them. Also, mirroring typically creates connection as well for me.
I always felt like adults asking questions were them judging and questioning what I was doing and it felt bad, but now as an adult I realize much of the time they were just trying to show interest.
My nephew is autistic, as soon as he hit around 3 years old I was looking at him like "👀 you're just like me" and this video is gonna be super helpful for play time the next time I get to see him 🧡 ty Kaelynn
went to visit my family across the country last weekend and my cousin just found out two of her kids were autistic like a month ago. i knew last year just by spending a few hours, haha. maybe i should speak up more.
@@kukachoo42 I think you should too 😆
I have started watching my autistic nephew during the week and came on here looking for resources to help him grow.This was very re-assuring and helpful, I would love to see more things like this! (also laughing because I JUST watched you on LOTS) He was diagnosed non verbal a while back but recently started making sounds really close to words! I have been trying to casullay introduce numbers and letters as we play and he loves pointing at things to make me count them and laughs so hard when he goes really fast and I trip over my tongue. Anyway, today we sat down and were sticking popsicle sticks into play dough and he counted the sticks as he stabbed them in (slurred, but still!!!) I almost cried seeing him making a connection like that because everyone has assumed he simply can't but I just know he is a smartie.
I had a workmate that I was told was VERY silent and not to be offended. At the time I thought I was different, only recently I learned what KIND of different. Because I was on a similar level, I could get this guy to talk to me WAY more than others could.
This is really useful! An under spoken about topic.
my baby cousin is 3 and he hasn't been diagnosed with autism or anything but he often ignores you when asked questions and it's much easier to interact with him by playing with the other toys around him, he gets super talkative and instructs me on where to go once i've joined with another toy car.
I definitely find narrating what the child's doing to be a good way of showing interest but not trying to force them to interact with you if they aren't ready-- like "Let's see, we've got all these markers-- ooh, you chose a yellow one to color in the sun, excellent choice. Okay, and now we've got purple... I love how carefully you're coloring in that flower," etc.
Now I need the video where you show those tips in action! Great stuff.
Absolutely! 💯
😊
I tried bonding with kids once, the DA had to explain that the use of adhesives was not required.
Punny.
I love her so much! If only the world was more lovely like this 🧡
I love the metaphor of a different currency ❤ Reminds me of my days in nursing at the dementia ward. I was really good at communicating with my patients, as soon as I had figured out what communication "currency" each of them used!
Even just as an introvert I hate that type of intrusion.
I was born with a very minor case of autism, it really only affects emotional responses in tense situations, but my parents have seemed completely oblivious as to how to effectively deal with these kinds of situations, and that’s manifested as me taking no interest in them because they screwed up so terribly over the years.
As a child, I always thought it was strange when adults would ask me questions they clearly knew the answer to.
There is one person in our life who absolutely can't stop INTERROGATING my kids when we talk no matter how much we try to explain that the kids feel intimidated by intense questioning. They can't figure out why my kids don't talk to them more. 🤦🏼♀️
This advice perfectly describes my 20 month old son and how he likes to interact.
When I was a kid for me socializing was just staying side by side in silence, so when I wanted to interact with my mom I just stood there close to her but she loves to talk and it was so difficult because of that. Now 23 years later I discover I am autistic
I knew a woman who would try to force the neighbours autistic daughter to make eye contact to 'get her out of her shell'. It was so uncomfortable to watch and made me mad
I'm autistic and so is my kid (but worse at communication), thank you for this. Any more would be appreciated.
As someone who was diagnosed as an adult things like this are very helpful to know. I think I instinctively avoid this with my neices and other children not only because I am autistic but because I don't want to press them with demands and parallel play style and doing crafts together in near silence just sounds way more fun. They respond well to it and seem more comfortable if I just chill there and show an interest in playing with their other toys near them, instead of making a big deal out of trying to make them talk to me.
I couldn't help laughing at this one, that guy's voice reminds me so much of Steve Carell's military general character in Space Force, who I imagine would similarly interact ineptly with we autistic folk. #bootsonthemoon
I've been saying get out of my car, a lot. Not a trash can but yeah lol
As a girl on the spectrum, i demonstrate Intrest in someone by telling you all about my special interest and soaking up every piece of information about the other person
I think most kids spectrum or not would adore this kind of interaction
No WONDER the little autistic kids at my school all love me! I tend to respect their boundaries and only interact with them when they come to me. I also do funny voices and noises when I play with them/in general. I’m a TA and autistic at a special needs school. The school actually helped me get past my trauma from middle school so that’s why I’m still there.
As an autistic person, I feel these things on a personal level. I feel like being autistic makes me better with kids and dogs because I understand them a little better than most adults, even though I’m not an adult yet I’m still old enough to be considered a grown up by the kids I interact with. I have learned how to command respect but still work with the kids like when I’m a crew leader for vacation bible school and I let the kids go at their own pace and participate as they feel comfortable. My niblings always ask for me when they come over, always asking “where’s Dee Dee?” I teach them things and they love it.
Hi Kaelynn! I’m an elementary teacher and respite care provider who works with Autistic children and I wanted to say I really appreciate your channel and all the kind work you do to share insights and help people to better understand the Autism Spectrum. I had a little guy in my 4th grade class last year and we definitely bonded over a shared love of basketball!
I have 2 nonverbal autistic boys and have suspected i may be undiagnosed myself. Your content is so helpful ❤
Thank you Kaelynn for making this video!
I will start working in a daycare very soon (I am being trained) and there is a girl in my group (mostly 2 to 3 year olds) that is acting very differently than the other kids, and I suspect autism.
She shows extremely little emotions, does not speak (then again, she is 2-ish..), doesnt play with the other kids or actively participate in group activities (no singing or dancing or even clapping). I havent observed any melt downs or stimming to date however.
Whether that diagnosis is true or not doesnt even matter that much, but I need to know how I can best support her development, whatever the reason behind her behaviour is. And for that, I need to be able to “reach” her.
At the minimum, I absolutely need to be able to tell whether she is okay, whether she needs something etc….
This has been so helpful to kickstart my brain, and will help me approach drawn back kids in general, not just kids with autism!
Trauma can do that too, plus trauma and autism are not mutually exclusive. I would try to watch how the guardian(s) interacts with the child when they think no one is nearby or watching, just to make sure everything's fine at home.
All too often, trauma gets missed due to developmental issues
Being forced to answer questions can be so stressful!
It's helpful for all kid's vocabulary to comment not question
Parallel play is a totally undrrated form of play for NT's. NTs often think if you and another person aren't interacting you aren't spending time together, but I can say some of my best memories with my best friends are us doing separate activities near each other. It is low stress, calming, and it's nice to not be alone even if I don't have the energy or space to interact/talk/share.
One thing that always bothers me is fake social transactions. Small talk, compliments, dumb questions. All of it is annoying and just feels forced. Like how people in television commercials talk about the product like psychopaths
As an IA, I have definitely learned a lot of the strategies Katelynn has mentioned through trial and error. And even then, I still make mistakes and talk too much sometimes since I’m so used to having to give in conversations I don’t really care about (ie. Small talk and when I did customer service). 😂 I want to consistently learn and improve how I work with my students, many of whom are on the Autism spectrum. 🥰
I start my narrating my kids' play before I try to play with them. I joke that I have "my kids" at work. I'm autistic and was diagnosed at age 4. I've worked in a clinical setting for almost 4yrs now, and I worked in childcare and even adult direct care at a facility for adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities. My kids know I'm one of them without me telling them (there is data to point to autistics being able to implicitly know that someone they are engaging with is also autistic in less than a minute of interaction). So many of my kids don't want me to play with them, and that's fine with me, but they still want that engagement and interaction. They let me know when to join their play and how to do it. One loves when I start with "A is for..." and we go through the entire alphabet. Another likes me singing a finger song for each character puppet as they put them on their fingers. One of the kids I've worked with for almost 2yrs now basically treated me like an embarrassing parent and told me to sit down when I tried to do the Cupid Shuffle with their group (I've been informed I will become family when they graduate services, so valid response).
Love this!!! Spot On! I try on so many occasions to bond with my child, 10 years old, level 2 on the autism spectrum. When I make comments on a video or book that he’s engaged with, he’s over it! 😅 I think to myself, “Well that didn’t work.” 🤪
He always wants me to be present, but he does NOT want me to do anything else 😂. I can only laugh about it now. No reading next to him, making notes, on another device, cleaning, etc. he just wants my presence, even if not engaged. He considers it quality time, in my perspective.
I know he’s allowed me in his world when he reaches out for a kiss, because he’s proud of himself, which is actually quite cute. It was frustrating to figure out in the beginning,
You just validated everything he’s expressed towards me and has worked thus far;
waiting for his initiation, making noises related to vehicles and animals, and praising him when he gets verbiage, colors, etc right. He allows me to become part of his world.
Fault: don’t make it a learning lesson at all 😅. Fun and play is the only way to go. Follow their lead.
I know I’m on the right track when he leans in for a kiss of love, appreciation, acceptance, and praise.
Thank you for this validation and sharing with us the proper way to connect; as I believe most parents struggle with this ability to connect. 😬
I’m autistic. I’m moderate, but still overall high functioning. What bothers me is when people treat me like I’m stupid or isolate me or take pity on me as if I “simply don’t belong.” Just because I’m autistic doesn’t mean I don’t understand, and it doesn’t mean I don’t need the same acceptance that others are given. I want to believe that there’s hope for people like me and those who are nonverbal to belong in the world.
This is wonderful to know. I have a 2 1/2 year old autistic boy who JUST got into ABA therapy, and I want to do my best to interact with him.
I've heard some autistic creators say ABA therapy can be more destructive than helpful, so I'd recommend you look into it a bit more.
Honestly, this is a good tip for all kids
Thank you for this. I'm a teacher and I have several friends who are also teachers and I'm sharing this with them.
I’m an autistic adult and I still remember not wanting to spend time with people as a child just because they would ask so many questions!
The person that assessed me for diagnosis when I was 51 told me to make up a story using certain characters. I did so. She said I lacked imagination. At 57 the novel that I wrote won an award. 😂 I guess she was wrong.
Good for you 👍🤓 Writing can be the best therapy.
@@monkeytennis7477 Thank you. You're right. 😃
I'm AuHD and work with mostly Autistic and a few Down Syndrome kids. I do parallel play a lot, because we each get to do our own thing, and I become a safe person to be around when it is time to work on an assignment for class.
Such a helpful video ❤ I'd love to see one (or more) expanding on the those suggestions at the end about what to do instead.
Sometimes, you just gotta be there with the child with ASD. Just watching them play and interact if they want to is so enjoyable to me
Love how you played the kid❤❤
This really helps me understand how I've become so misanthropic.
I'd love tips that might help me break the cycle.
That’s literally how i was in my childhood. I never answered questions , just continued doing what I did:)
Can you make a video demonstrating what to do? It would be helpful to see how it looks rather than just reading them
The Myrtle Beach thing is funny, so true.
im an autistic teen or i probably have it but undiagnosed and the part about the positive response part is so true, or if its just a conversation with my hyperfixations, the gay fishy bois (disneys Luca), fnaf, and The legend of zelda
Aaaa this video and the comments put a lot of feelings and stuff I’ve had into words
I loved this information! Would you be able to make another video to elaborate more on the types of positive approches you listed at the end of the video? I also think example situations would be helpful in learning different communication strategies.
Hey Kaelyn, could you make another video demonstrating those more effective strategies for interaction? Seeing you model what they look like would be super helpful!
This is so helpful; thank you so much ❤️
I show them 1920s rubber hose animation and as someone who does not talk a lot either. This is how we bond. That and cuphead.
One of the little boys who goes to the same school as me has Autism and he is nonverbal. He started playing with us one day and now he is my little bestie. Sad I graduated
All of these make total sense to me and I’ve been doing them with my kids and kids that I can sense are on the spectrum. My number one go to: LISTEN!
Step 1: Listen. Step 2: Listen. Step 3 (and I cannot stress this enough)
…
….
Badgers no no wait I mean listen!😅
This is wonderful!
as a kid I probably would have just talked for an hour about how much every toy would cost added together based on their color
of course at any point during that I might have gotten distracted with something completely different but who knows
i’m not even autistic and questions make me anxious😂 Probably adhd thing too
Scripting sesame street is so relatable though. I do this is as an autistic adult on the regular.
I'm like cool, makes a lot of sense why the on-topic, relational style of engagement works. Then I remember that I'm autistic 😄
Great tips!
I’m an autistic adult, and this resonates with why I feel annoyed sometimes with how people interact with me.
Honestly it often irritated me when adults asked these kinds of questions its like they expect a certain answer or response instead of wanting my real response. Like when s eone asks "Are you gking to put that here?" It feels like less of a question and more like theyre expecting or asking me to put that object there. But when someone asks "where re you going to put that?" It doesn't indicate any placewhere i should put it so it makes it easier for me to answer. Basically when questions seem to lead to a specific response it stresses me out cus i feel like ill do the wrong thing 😅
thank you for the captions
You know, I find that this is probably decent advice for neurotypicals also. It's expected for someone to ask questions but even your standard child will start to feel like they're being interrogated.
Can you do some examples of the interactions you're encouraging? I only see negative ones potrayed here
That’s for the next video. But I had to show the mistake because it’s shockingly common and people need to understand WHY it’s a mistake to begin with.
good tips. Glad to know im already doing ok. thank you🎉❤
Thank you for this!! Do you have any recommendations for interacting with autistic people that are a little older, like 12-14 or does the same advice still apply?
I'd think the same advice would still apply. I'm an autistic adult, and even I have problems answering questions out of nowhere. People typically want quick answers, but that's not how my brain works. So, leaving room for them to actually think through an answer would probably be appreciated. And for the love of god, whatever you do, don't sigh when they're trying to come up with an answer. I've had multiple people do this to me. It never feels good.
I'm an autistic teenager (I'll be 16 in a few months) and some things I don't like is when people stand really close to me while talking, and when they hug me without asking, and when they try to get me to talk to them.
Interesting. I work with kids using Parent Child Interaction Therapy and we describe what kids are doing, regardless of whether they are neurodivergent or not. It sounds very similar to what you're suggesting for autistic kids.
As an AuDHD adult, my instinctive response would be parallel play. Just do your thing next to the kid, even better if the thing might be interesting for the kid too. Don't try to drag them in - if they consider it fun, they'll join in on their own if you make it clear they're welcome. I have no experience with nonverbal communication, but (might sound funny, but hear me out) based on communication with my cats - best way to communicate is to just observe and notice patterns to learn which gesture, which sound means what. I know at least 20-30 different gestures, poses and sounds that correspond to 'words' used by my cats consistently to ask for food, treats, play time, brushing etc. Also - quietly observing is also an autistic thing to do. We have to mask all the time to fit into the neurotypical society, it seems only fair if neurotypical people would mask and try to mimick the autistic person they want to bond with...
My son just turned 6, he doesn’t really engage with other kids and prefers to be on his own. It’s hard just observing him and wanting to do things with him.
Do you have any advice on eating? He eats like 3 things… I’d love a video on getting autistic kids to try new foods.
❤
This video needed to be 8 minutes longer, focusing on almost those points at the end.
I have autism I was diagnosed with it when I was like five or six