I recommend better identifying yourself first instead of trying to please them or fix things with them. So, if you came into this video first in hopes to figure out your significant other, go check the other videos and identify yourself. That way you know your needs, what you want out of a relationship and if you’re willing to put that amount of effort into a relationship with a DA. Because I found out that even talking in a positive way only made them feel comfortable in continuing the dismissive behavior because they believe that I had no big issues with it. And I did tell them I had issues and expressed that need in the best way possible. They were still didn’t see anything destructive for the connection in their behavior. It was exhausting because they don’t get it that they have to move a little closer to you to meet you halfway. Dismissive avoidants operate from the angle of fear of getting too close. They don’t see hope. They just see your potential to control them because they associate vulnerability with weakness, not strength. And it’s hard for them to break out of that pattern. It requires therapy. So, be prepared for the very snail crawl progress they do. And take care of your energy first. You want to encourage them in their progress to become more secure, of course. But not at your expense.
Spot on. I pushed a DA away because i was to eager to get close instead of give her space. She got angry and rude though and suddenly a big rift came between us never to be repaired. They hold grudges big time. They act strong but they are so vulnerable. What a stressful horrible time in my life. Never again.
I got so exhausted trying to connect with a DA, that I see it's not worth it. This person I was seeing offered me a relationship which I never asked for, as I found it too early to something serious, but she never made any real moves towards a relationship. Instead, she slowly pulled away. They are wonderful people, but for a loving relationship with an anxious person, it is not possible. I tried to talk and received totally immature behavior: took everything as criticism, blamed me for everything and turned away. It seems to me that they are extremely spiteful, they cannot forgive (perhaps, for fear of feeling). They give breadcrumbs, they don't know how to communicate openly, you walk on eggshells all the time -- this is a form of control too. I only accept it for friendships, because in love relationships you end up getting sick and totally lost, while they don't even know what they feel. When you make mistakes with them and show your human side, they leave, because they are very negative, critical and do not know how to deal with the other in a way that is not realistic, only if you are in a pedestal and its projections.
It just sucks for folks who are in relationships with them to literally start thinking that you guys are evolving & the DA hits you with a “oh no we aren’t” and completely switch character. That is so messed up on someone’s psyche.
Going through it right now. Two beautiful weeks, seemed like we were really, finally on the same page. My DA was being so loving, discussing future plans, was vulnerable in an emotionally connecting conversation, good daily communication, unexpected visits, care & support. On day 16 everything shifted. He asked me (AP) to join him for dinner & was a complete as!hole. We argued and then he literally dismissed me! “You’re Dismissed!” I refused. He got up and left. That was 6 days ago. We’ve been together almost 9 months so I’ve been through these behaviors before . I’m exhausted. My nerves are shot and yes, it feels so one-way. I’m going through some serious life stuff and he can’t be there for me. Instead, he adds to the internal turmoil. I deeply love him and when it’s good, it’s BEAUTIFUL..😢
Understanding ur style attachment and the attachment style of the someone’s you love gives the relief of finding that puzzle piece u were struggling with .. it’s rewarding but not always easy or fun.. I am beyond mind blown at the wealth of information I learn on this channel .. ❤️🙏🏼
I totally agree, even though I knew it wasn’t me I had intrusive thoughts about our situation but realized she’s an avoidant and there’s steps I can take to improve my mental stability
I'm a 28 year old man crying my eyes out because I got close to her and she didn't tell me her needs and she ran so fast. & The fucked up thing is I used to think she was a narcissist but this makes so much more sense. The self sabotaging of the relationship every time things got good. I'm so broken over this. I have needs too. I need a compromise and she can't even communicate. She said she needs space and it's too late. Like what the fuck how am I supposed to read your mind!? Tell me what I did wrong! The stonewalling hurts so bad. So fucking bad. I know if I move on it's going to absolutely crush her. But I think I have to. Someone tell me it's okay to give up on her. Please.
Yep. It's absolutely time to move on. Torturing yourself with love gone sour is ultimately a waste of your youth. I'm not saying you won't feel bad, but do what you can to move on. Time does heal all romance wounds, if you work on moving on and living your life. Learn and grow, and try to avoid this type of person when you see the signs. It's not that I wish them ill, but I learned through tons of pain and trial and error that some people are not capable of a rewarding relationship. They either eventually learn from their mistakes, or they do not. Either way, it's their problem, and their journey, and with this kind of thing, there isn't much you can do. Let go as gently as you can, and forgive yourself. Leave the good memories intact by not overwriting them with bad/sad memories. You are not the cause of other's shortcomings. And, last, try to learn the basics of a healthy relationship. Respect. Politeness. Honestly. Healthy Boundaries, Constructive Arguing. Boundaries means you know where you want to draw the line in the relationship, and respect the other person's boundaries as well. Constructive Arguing is when you can property vent any negative feelings and come out with issues resolved, not made worse. Don't be passive aggressive. Don't bring up the past, unless you absolutely have to. Don't ever call names like "dumb", "Assh*le, etc. Use "I messages". All of this is stuff you can Google, and it improved my relationships a great deal. Good luck. There will be others in your life, I can promise you that, especially if you work through your own issues first as much as possible. Love yourself in a healthy way, and others will be attracted to you.
@@lisathuban8969 I did use I statements quite often. "baby can we talk? I'm hurt over what happened earlier." "It hurts me when I try to express my concerns when you get defensive and DARVO me. I want to work towards a resolution with you and feel closer" Her response : "how could you be talking about this with me right now? You hurt me the other day when you did xyz (it's always something different)." My response: "baby I will address your concerns after you address mine. I need an apology with full accountability and changed behavior. I want to feel closer to you" Her response: "You're forcing a relationship from me. I treat you like shit because you won't break up with me. This is your fault. I am done. I no longer see a future with you" Do dismissive avoidants that aren't narcissists do this or is this in fact covert narcissism? It's driving me nuts. If she wanted space she could have told me her needs. She clearly can't communicate them.
@@starttakinnotez I'm old. 62 years old. One of my greatest regrets? Not realizing things weren't going to work and moving on when I was young enough to really move on. I still have kind feelings for the person I was hung up on, even though that was 40 years ago. Even with all the trouble, I am happy for the experience of meeting them. However, if it's not working, it's not working. Constant pain from the other person does not equal a good relationship, ever.
@@lisathuban8969 she's trying to communicate with me via Spotify music. She has let me know she feels like I held her back and took her focus away from her goals. It's a lack of communication and boundaries. Her breaking up with me is an attempt at setting healthy boundaries but it's a massive wall. Holy moly do I have clarity. Time to run the fuck away. It's impossible being with someone who doesn't yet know how to accept 50% responsibility in fixing things, who doesn't know her emotions and needs, who won't try to reconnect with me after feeling disconnected. I deserve communication! I deserve better! I have everything going for me! Thank you for the talk. I'm no longer playing these games with her. I'm breaking the pattern that has been enabled her entire life and focusing on myself.
I have done all of that and I could do you have taught me a lot,but it is hard to communicate with some of them I could not have been a better secure person. So a few weeks ago I walked away I could have stood on my head it just not worth it.I will always say until they see that they are the elephant in the room and get therapy you are wasting your time and years.
After 23 years with my partner, I only now feel like I understand him and the unintentional aggression and accusations I threw his way. All this time, I relentlessly berated him for being emotionally stunted... but I stayed... emotionally starved but I stayed. This channel has been such a blessing. I feel like this last break up (24 day NC) us almost a blessing because I found you, Thais!
My husband grew up like this. He would often stone wall me during discussions. For years, I felt so stuck. Long story short, he ended up lying to himself that I didn’t love him after our kid was born and he cheated on me. I had no idea and I’m slightly autistic so I need to be told something is wrong lol. He realized he f’d up when I said that I loved him. He thought for sure the relationship was over when I found out and was surprised when I said I was going to stay and try to make it work for our son. It was not easy. He also worked really hard at making it work and we’re together now still 5 years after that happened. Something changed in him after I showed him that I wasn’t going anywhere. It’s not an easy way to have to show someone that you actually love the F out of them. Lol Thankfully, it worked out for us and we deeply love each other. Our son has both parents whereas we both grew up in broken homes. My love for my son meant I was always going to try for him. I love my husband too and if he was going to try then that’s the least I could do to save my family. Things are worth doing because they are hard. Love my husband and my son. They are blessings in my life.
Can you post a video about dismissive avoidants becoming parents? Since I'm pregnant my DA acts like a psycho...he shut down completely...it was so scary that I had to go no contact.
Responsibility is terrifying to DAs. Though, mistreating you because of this fear is not expected, if his attachment style is the only or primary issue with him.
@@a.r.8954 I have a small circle but very reliable. Also his parents offered help. His mother feels even ashamed of her son. My DA ex is 42 and acts like 16. He always said he wants to support me but acts super distant it stresses me out. He behaves as if his soul left, so uncanny. He even can't name how he feels. He always says "I even don't know what I'm feeling."
@@ladloca5252 I just shared an article with my DA-SO about the connection between mind & body, but it reminds of what you say regarding this lack of knowing how to sense and give words to his feelings. There is a term for this, it is "alexithymia", and it is a psychological trait of people who have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder who are have difficulty to express, describe and understand emotions. Not having this ability causes the undefined emotions to have a physical impact instead. When we become parents, it can take us back to moments we were an infant. It is very normal for people to sense things and reflect on their own childhood through seeing their own children grow up. Since Attachment Style is arguably formed within the first 0-2 years of infancy, it might take him back to situations of utmost sensing of powerlessness and unsafety that he does not even have words for, and cannot even connect to have a direct link to childhood experienced helplessness. He might behave helpless, and being of no help, as an expression of that re-experience. Has he ever described his childhood to you? I know a lot about my DA's childhood, and it is not pretty what kind of neglect, abuse and abandonment marked those formative years. This info is speculative on my end of course, but I hope it can offer an angle of a perspective to make sense of the "why", because he is certainly not doing it just to be a douche to you. I'm sorry that whatever is going on under the surface is causing you to feel alone and abandoned. Ideally , you should have access to his support.
I know the books I read were spot on… one was regarding defiant Oppositional conduct disorder & attachment… the other was about attachment in combination with different childhood conduct issues.. but like I stated… and I read in the book… a lot of ppl I was involved with make an issues because I don’t fight and argue… the books indicate the avoidance coming across like dismissiveness callousness or disinterested which I understand… I understand how it states that the avoidant attachment usually manifest more analytic and detached thinking… again I can identify with that… my brain is strictly analytic outside of romantic relationships and parenting… no emotion… there is emptiness… nothing… just thoughts… financial security… thoughts of financial security… and rumination on making money… the literature again indicates a strong resentment in individuals forced to rely on others due their own Arlt independence…
I'm in a predicament. I'm kind of seeing this DA guy who also has ADHD. And I've noticed that there can be a lot of overlap. They both have deep shame wounds. Sometimes, I don't know if he's deactivated (he gets triggered by external factors a lot like work stress) or if he's just hyperfocusing on something else and forgot to reply to me. He sometimes agrees to plans then doesn't follow up and I really can't tell if he's distancing or if it slipped his mind. But when he's hyperfocused on me, he's really 110% here and it can trigger my FA side to become avoidant because it feels like TOO MUCH. I really like him but it's so challenging to be with him.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool the daily PDS videos have been really helpful in managing my FA tendencies! I still get triggered into anxious mode, but I now know what to do when it happens (and the avoidant side too). I haven't told him how I've felt specifically, but when I reached out to him during periods of silence (usually a week) about how he feels, he will share that he's overwhelmed by work and needs time/space. Again, not sure which side it's coming from, or both! He might not be aware, as he's only formally diagnosed with ADHD and unaware about attachment theory.
Hi Steph, just wanted to share: Having ADHD, I can wholeheartedly say it does not make me forget about things i deem a priority (Relationships ie). If anything, it makes me hyper focus on my relationships and partner, most times to my detriment. There might be some additional things going on with your partner, but would hate to project my own experiences on others.
You clearly want someone with issues, what's your own issue? Don't let labels replace vibes. If a man is into you and it's mutual love you won't have any doubt, whatever their labels are. You're overthinking. That's not love
I am assuming they are not even aware of the feelings of these vulnerabilities, yes? So they blame the person for unacknowledged feelings of vulnerability and then deactivate.
I believe that the avoidant attachment from the past helps in the field with the analytical impartiality that therapist need… at this point personally… it’s still we either cool or u don’t exist… and that’s we either cool or u gotta problem wit me… which mean u in ya feelings by ya self…
There are lots of different ways to journal, but one of the main ways is to dump out your thoughts and feelings on paper. If we are just having fear based and unconscious worrisome thoughts swirling in our mind we don't truly know what is the root problems. So by putting pen to paper some people get a release just from that, but also it's good to see what the main issue is or what we're really afraid of. Are you in the PDS members Facebook group? There are some good posts on journaling and how people journal. There are different methods that work for different people. facebook.com/groups/pdsmember
I found being 'silly' about myself to people. For example, It could be betting on how many times I say "sorry" within a time or activity. Or when medical professionals ask me if am I on any meds?!? I say "yup" Then they ask what anxiety meds am I on. I chuckle with my husband over that... and we hand over my handwritten medication list and surgeries, etc. And receipts from my pharmacy in case they don't believe me.
I'm a Dismissive Avoidant woman and a lot of comments are people dealing with jerks that are being confused for DA. Unless someone has a diagnosis from a therapist or tells you they're DA themselves, I don't think it's accurate or helpful to armchair diagnose people. I'm in therapy to address DA behavior and have avoidant tendencies due to growing up with a rageful bipolar mother. Straight from the mouth of a DA woman : if someone is displaying DA behavior, they're not in therapy and refuse to acknowledge that something is wrong and they're not making an active attempt to change it, you shouldn't date them. I'm a DA myself - and unless we're doing the work and making a strong effort, we are so unstable that it is virtually impossible to connect with us. Don't keep giving chances to people that refuse to do the work
Attachment styles are not a neurological illness or disorder. So there's no diagnosis involved here. 'Attachment' is a theory and can't be declared 'Fact' any time soon, no matter how spot on it is. This is why not all therapists discuss attachment styles. Some don't even know about it themselves. In some cases it's extremely obvious if somebody is a dismissive avoidant or anxious attached. But in reality it's still a spectrum and we have bits of all attachment styles in us but usually have one style that is more dominant. Where we sit on the spectrum is subject to constant change. So even though it is possible to recognise somebody's attachment style, we cannot accept the findings as permanent. It's also not wise to jump to conclusions re a partner's attachment style, as it is possible to misunderstand a situation or sign. It is also very toxic for some people to instantly dismiss the dismissive avoidant as a 'bad guy'. All too often we have APs thinking that they're the good guys and the DA/FA are the bad. The ones who throw around the 'narcissist' accusations are also a big part of the problem.
Some ppl we just don’t interact… the previous doesn’t apply… but if u don’t like me… I avoid interacting with the person… I’m not bothered… but I ain’t gonna bother u neither… it always works for me… I’m independent so I don’t long for anything… financial security… I laugh all day I joke… but negative some… no tolerance… I love hard… I’m good at communicating… but no nonsense for silly stuff that hurt ppl or objectives… I make jokes about me better… residuals Fuck Its from past hood days… I just dont care… plus i have a good sense of humor… or health defense mechanisms… I am bipolar manic ended… some all the hyper activity is channel into projects and tasks like stated in the books… but still financial related…
Alternate title: Why I Don't Date DAs Anymore 😂. On the upside, here we all are, healing our attachment systems- DAs included. Then we can mutually appreciate each other after becoming secure. It's a win for all of us.
Each individual has a unique life experience, a unique relationship with other people and themselves. I believe that living/growing up together and in some cases sharing trauma does not necessarily mean that the same coping mechanisms would be used by each sibling. I mean this in the same way as siblings, even identical twins do not necessarily have the exact same personality type. In addition parents may treat each child differently (favouring one over another for example) which in itself can create different types of trauma.
If a DA attachment style person is not opening up to you, it's probably because you're exhibiting signs that you are not safe. If you are riddled with emotional dysregulation, show signs of emotional manipulation, or chronically expect other people to emotionally regulate you, you are not safe.
It's because they interpret you as not safe based on their past experiences and not based on who you are because they don't see you, they only see their fear
I recommend better identifying yourself first instead of trying to please them or fix things with them. So, if you came into this video first in hopes to figure out your significant other, go check the other videos and identify yourself. That way you know your needs, what you want out of a relationship and if you’re willing to put that amount of effort into a relationship with a DA. Because I found out that even talking in a positive way only made them feel comfortable in continuing the dismissive behavior because they believe that I had no big issues with it. And I did tell them I had issues and expressed that need in the best way possible. They were still didn’t see anything destructive for the connection in their behavior. It was exhausting because they don’t get it that they have to move a little closer to you to meet you halfway. Dismissive avoidants operate from the angle of fear of getting too close. They don’t see hope. They just see your potential to control them because they associate vulnerability with weakness, not strength. And it’s hard for them to break out of that pattern. It requires therapy. So, be prepared for the very snail crawl progress they do. And take care of your energy first. You want to encourage them in their progress to become more secure, of course. But not at your expense.
Spot on. I pushed a DA away because i was to eager to get close instead of give her space. She got angry and rude though and suddenly a big rift came between us never to be repaired. They hold grudges big time. They act strong but they are so vulnerable. What a stressful horrible time in my life. Never again.
I got so exhausted trying to connect with a DA, that I see it's not worth it. This person I was seeing offered me a relationship which I never asked for, as I found it too early to something serious, but she never made any real moves towards a relationship. Instead, she slowly pulled away. They are wonderful people, but for a loving relationship with an anxious person, it is not possible. I tried to talk and received totally immature behavior: took everything as criticism, blamed me for everything and turned away. It seems to me that they are extremely spiteful, they cannot forgive (perhaps, for fear of feeling). They give breadcrumbs, they don't know how to communicate openly, you walk on eggshells all the time -- this is a form of control too. I only accept it for friendships, because in love relationships you end up getting sick and totally lost, while they don't even know what they feel. When you make mistakes with them and show your human side, they leave, because they are very negative, critical and do not know how to deal with the other in a way that is not realistic, only if you are in a pedestal and its projections.
It just sucks for folks who are in relationships with them to literally start thinking that you guys are evolving & the DA hits you with a “oh no we aren’t” and completely switch character. That is so messed up on someone’s psyche.
Going through it right now. Two beautiful weeks, seemed like we were really, finally on the same page. My DA was being so loving, discussing future plans, was vulnerable in an emotionally connecting conversation, good daily communication, unexpected visits, care & support. On day 16 everything shifted. He asked me (AP) to join him for dinner & was a complete as!hole. We argued and then he literally dismissed me! “You’re Dismissed!” I refused. He got up and left. That was 6 days ago.
We’ve been together almost 9 months so I’ve been through these behaviors before . I’m exhausted. My nerves are shot and yes, it feels so one-way.
I’m going through some serious life stuff and he can’t be there for me. Instead, he adds to the internal turmoil.
I deeply love him and when it’s good, it’s BEAUTIFUL..😢
It's extremely hurtful
@@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL I know exactly what you mean. Been there. The emotional rollercoaster is just too much
Sooo much!
Hi there, I am dismissive avoidant. Sorry for these experiences you’ve had. I just want you to know you did nothing wrong
I am trying to be better
Understanding ur style attachment and the attachment style of the someone’s you love gives the relief of finding that puzzle piece u were struggling with .. it’s rewarding but not always easy or fun.. I am beyond mind blown at the wealth of information I learn on this channel .. ❤️🙏🏼
I totally agree, even though I knew it wasn’t me I had intrusive thoughts about our situation but realized she’s an avoidant and there’s steps I can take to improve my mental stability
I'm a 28 year old man crying my eyes out because I got close to her and she didn't tell me her needs and she ran so fast. & The fucked up thing is I used to think she was a narcissist but this makes so much more sense. The self sabotaging of the relationship every time things got good. I'm so broken over this. I have needs too. I need a compromise and she can't even communicate. She said she needs space and it's too late. Like what the fuck how am I supposed to read your mind!? Tell me what I did wrong! The stonewalling hurts so bad. So fucking bad. I know if I move on it's going to absolutely crush her. But I think I have to. Someone tell me it's okay to give up on her. Please.
Yep. It's absolutely time to move on. Torturing yourself with love gone sour is ultimately a waste of your youth. I'm not saying you won't feel bad, but do what you can to move on. Time does heal all romance wounds, if you work on moving on and living your life.
Learn and grow, and try to avoid this type of person when you see the signs. It's not that I wish them ill, but I learned through tons of pain and trial and error that some people are not capable of a rewarding relationship. They either eventually learn from their mistakes, or they do not. Either way, it's their problem, and their journey, and with this kind of thing, there isn't much you can do.
Let go as gently as you can, and forgive yourself. Leave the good memories intact by not overwriting them with bad/sad memories. You are not the cause of other's shortcomings.
And, last, try to learn the basics of a healthy relationship. Respect. Politeness. Honestly. Healthy Boundaries, Constructive Arguing.
Boundaries means you know where you want to draw the line in the relationship, and respect the other person's boundaries as well.
Constructive Arguing is when you can property vent any negative feelings and come out with issues resolved, not made worse. Don't be passive aggressive. Don't bring up the past, unless you absolutely have to. Don't ever call names like "dumb", "Assh*le, etc. Use "I messages". All of this is stuff you can Google, and it improved my relationships a great deal.
Good luck. There will be others in your life, I can promise you that, especially if you work through your own issues first as much as possible. Love yourself in a healthy way, and others will be attracted to you.
@@lisathuban8969 I did use I statements quite often. "baby can we talk? I'm hurt over what happened earlier." "It hurts me when I try to express my concerns when you get defensive and DARVO me. I want to work towards a resolution with you and feel closer"
Her response : "how could you be talking about this with me right now? You hurt me the other day when you did xyz (it's always something different)."
My response: "baby I will address your concerns after you address mine. I need an apology with full accountability and changed behavior. I want to feel closer to you"
Her response: "You're forcing a relationship from me. I treat you like shit because you won't break up with me. This is your fault. I am done. I no longer see a future with you"
Do dismissive avoidants that aren't narcissists do this or is this in fact covert narcissism?
It's driving me nuts. If she wanted space she could have told me her needs. She clearly can't communicate them.
@@starttakinnotez You're in a loop with this. Yeah, dude, break free. I know you care, but this is not going anywhere good.
@@starttakinnotez I'm old. 62 years old. One of my greatest regrets? Not realizing things weren't going to work and moving on when I was young enough to really move on. I still have kind feelings for the person I was hung up on, even though that was 40 years ago. Even with all the trouble, I am happy for the experience of meeting them. However, if it's not working, it's not working. Constant pain from the other person does not equal a good relationship, ever.
@@lisathuban8969 she's trying to communicate with me via Spotify music. She has let me know she feels like I held her back and took her focus away from her goals. It's a lack of communication and boundaries. Her breaking up with me is an attempt at setting healthy boundaries but it's a massive wall. Holy moly do I have clarity. Time to run the fuck away. It's impossible being with someone who doesn't yet know how to accept 50% responsibility in fixing things, who doesn't know her emotions and needs, who won't try to reconnect with me after feeling disconnected. I deserve communication! I deserve better! I have everything going for me!
Thank you for the talk. I'm no longer playing these games with her. I'm breaking the pattern that has been enabled her entire life and focusing on myself.
I have done all of that and I could do you have taught me a lot,but it is hard to communicate with some of them I could not have been a better secure person. So a few weeks ago I walked away I could have stood on my head it just not worth it.I will always say until they see that they are the elephant in the room and get therapy you are wasting your time and years.
DAs are an absolute nightmare for anyone who is living in their sane conscious mind. They will drive you crazy if you let them .
I love the explanation of conscious vs subconscious mind!! It was very accurate as always!
After 23 years with my partner, I only now feel like I understand him and the unintentional aggression and accusations I threw his way. All this time, I relentlessly berated him for being emotionally stunted... but I stayed... emotionally starved but I stayed. This channel has been such a blessing. I feel like this last break up (24 day NC) us almost a blessing because I found you, Thais!
My husband grew up like this. He would often stone wall me during discussions. For years, I felt so stuck.
Long story short, he ended up lying to himself that I didn’t love him after our kid was born and he cheated on me. I had no idea and I’m slightly autistic so I need to be told something is wrong lol.
He realized he f’d up when I said that I loved him. He thought for sure the relationship was over when I found out and was surprised when I said I was going to stay and try to make it work for our son. It was not easy. He also worked really hard at making it work and we’re together now still 5 years after that happened.
Something changed in him after I showed him that I wasn’t going anywhere. It’s not an easy way to have to show someone that you actually love the F out of them. Lol
Thankfully, it worked out for us and we deeply love each other. Our son has both parents whereas we both grew up in broken homes. My love for my son meant I was always going to try for him. I love my husband too and if he was going to try then that’s the least I could do to save my family.
Things are worth doing because they are hard. Love my husband and my son. They are blessings in my life.
Can you post a video about dismissive avoidants becoming parents? Since I'm pregnant my DA acts like a psycho...he shut down completely...it was so scary that I had to go no contact.
Responsibility is terrifying to DAs. Though, mistreating you because of this fear is not expected, if his attachment style is the only or primary issue with him.
I'm so sorry. This is not okay. Do you have a support system you're able to lean on right now? I've been in your situation.
I would like to see a video about each attachment style as parents too. Good question La DLoca :)
@@a.r.8954 I have a small circle but very reliable. Also his parents offered help. His mother feels even ashamed of her son. My DA ex is 42 and acts like 16. He always said he wants to support me but acts super distant it stresses me out. He behaves as if his soul left, so uncanny. He even can't name how he feels. He always says "I even don't know what I'm feeling."
@@ladloca5252 I just shared an article with my DA-SO about the connection between mind & body, but it reminds of what you say regarding this lack of knowing how to sense and give words to his feelings.
There is a term for this, it is "alexithymia", and it is a psychological trait of people who have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder who are have difficulty to express, describe and understand emotions. Not having this ability causes the undefined emotions to have a physical impact instead.
When we become parents, it can take us back to moments we were an infant. It is very normal for people to sense things and reflect on their own childhood through seeing their own children grow up. Since Attachment Style is arguably formed within the first 0-2 years of infancy, it might take him back to situations of utmost sensing of powerlessness and unsafety that he does not even have words for, and cannot even connect to have a direct link to childhood experienced helplessness. He might behave helpless, and being of no help, as an expression of that re-experience.
Has he ever described his childhood to you? I know a lot about my DA's childhood, and it is not pretty what kind of neglect, abuse and abandonment marked those formative years.
This info is speculative on my end of course, but I hope it can offer an angle of a perspective to make sense of the "why", because he is certainly not doing it just to be a douche to you.
I'm sorry that whatever is going on under the surface is causing you to feel alone and abandoned. Ideally , you should have access to his support.
Such helpful content to bring Understanding of the other person AND better language for communication. And compassion.
I know the books I read were spot on… one was regarding defiant Oppositional conduct disorder & attachment… the other was about attachment in combination with different childhood conduct issues.. but like I stated… and I read in the book… a lot of ppl I was involved with make an issues because I don’t fight and argue… the books indicate the avoidance coming across like dismissiveness callousness or disinterested which I understand… I understand how it states that the avoidant attachment usually manifest more analytic and detached thinking… again I can identify with that… my brain is strictly analytic outside of romantic relationships and parenting… no emotion… there is emptiness… nothing… just thoughts… financial security… thoughts of financial security… and rumination on making money… the literature again indicates a strong resentment in individuals forced to rely on others due their own Arlt independence…
Thank you 💘 btw you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen
I agree. The color and shape are stunning.
I'm in a predicament. I'm kind of seeing this DA guy who also has ADHD. And I've noticed that there can be a lot of overlap. They both have deep shame wounds. Sometimes, I don't know if he's deactivated (he gets triggered by external factors a lot like work stress) or if he's just hyperfocusing on something else and forgot to reply to me. He sometimes agrees to plans then doesn't follow up and I really can't tell if he's distancing or if it slipped his mind. But when he's hyperfocused on me, he's really 110% here and it can trigger my FA side to become avoidant because it feels like TOO MUCH.
I really like him but it's so challenging to be with him.
Have you gently communicated with him what's going on for you internally? Have you done work to heal your own attachment style?
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool the daily PDS videos have been really helpful in managing my FA tendencies! I still get triggered into anxious mode, but I now know what to do when it happens (and the avoidant side too). I haven't told him how I've felt specifically, but when I reached out to him during periods of silence (usually a week) about how he feels, he will share that he's overwhelmed by work and needs time/space. Again, not sure which side it's coming from, or both! He might not be aware, as he's only formally diagnosed with ADHD and unaware about attachment theory.
Hi Steph, just wanted to share: Having ADHD, I can wholeheartedly say it does not make me forget about things i deem a priority (Relationships ie). If anything, it makes me hyper focus on my relationships and partner, most times to my detriment.
There might be some additional things going on with your partner, but would hate to project my own experiences on others.
You clearly want someone with issues, what's your own issue? Don't let labels replace vibes. If a man is into you and it's mutual love you won't have any doubt, whatever their labels are. You're overthinking. That's not love
I am assuming they are not even aware of the feelings of these vulnerabilities, yes? So they blame the person for unacknowledged feelings of vulnerability and then deactivate.
❤
I believe that the avoidant attachment from the past helps in the field with the analytical impartiality that therapist need… at this point personally… it’s still we either cool or u don’t exist… and that’s we either cool or u gotta problem wit me… which mean u in ya feelings by ya self…
The avoidant attachment which was healed along time ago (insecure to secure) through a self object…
Thank you so much.
This is very helpful. Thank you! ❤
Does apologizing to a DA might make them discard you ?
How does Thais recommend that we should Journal? Is there anywhere where she explains how to do it best? I am a PDS full access member
There are lots of different ways to journal, but one of the main ways is to dump out your thoughts and feelings on paper. If we are just having fear based and unconscious worrisome thoughts swirling in our mind we don't truly know what is the root problems. So by putting pen to paper some people get a release just from that, but also it's good to see what the main issue is or what we're really afraid of.
Are you in the PDS members Facebook group? There are some good posts on journaling and how people journal. There are different methods that work for different people.
facebook.com/groups/pdsmember
I'm just gonna send this channel's link to someone who would like to date me. God bless her 😭😭😥😥🤣🤣
We all need to learn about this stuff and heal :) ❤
I found being 'silly' about myself to people. For example, It could be betting on how many times I say "sorry" within a time or activity.
Or when medical professionals ask me if am I on any meds?!? I say "yup" Then they ask what anxiety meds am I on. I chuckle with my husband over that... and we hand over my handwritten medication list and surgeries, etc. And receipts from my pharmacy in case they don't believe me.
Heal instead
I'm a Dismissive Avoidant woman and a lot of comments are people dealing with jerks that are being confused for DA. Unless someone has a diagnosis from a therapist or tells you they're DA themselves, I don't think it's accurate or helpful to armchair diagnose people. I'm in therapy to address DA behavior and have avoidant tendencies due to growing up with a rageful bipolar mother. Straight from the mouth of a DA woman : if someone is displaying DA behavior, they're not in therapy and refuse to acknowledge that something is wrong and they're not making an active attempt to change it, you shouldn't date them. I'm a DA myself - and unless we're doing the work and making a strong effort, we are so unstable that it is virtually impossible to connect with us. Don't keep giving chances to people that refuse to do the work
Attachment styles are not a neurological illness or disorder. So there's no diagnosis involved here. 'Attachment' is a theory and can't be declared 'Fact' any time soon, no matter how spot on it is. This is why not all therapists discuss attachment styles. Some don't even know about it themselves. In some cases it's extremely obvious if somebody is a dismissive avoidant or anxious attached. But in reality it's still a spectrum and we have bits of all attachment styles in us but usually have one style that is more dominant. Where we sit on the spectrum is subject to constant change. So even though it is possible to recognise somebody's attachment style, we cannot accept the findings as permanent. It's also not wise to jump to conclusions re a partner's attachment style, as it is possible to misunderstand a situation or sign. It is also very toxic for some people to instantly dismiss the dismissive avoidant as a 'bad guy'. All too often we have APs thinking that they're the good guys and the DA/FA are the bad. The ones who throw around the 'narcissist' accusations are also a big part of the problem.
Some ppl we just don’t interact… the previous doesn’t apply… but if u don’t like me… I avoid interacting with the person… I’m not bothered… but I ain’t gonna bother u neither… it always works for me… I’m independent so I don’t long for anything… financial security… I laugh all day I joke… but negative some… no tolerance… I love hard… I’m good at communicating… but no nonsense for silly stuff that hurt ppl or objectives… I make jokes about me better… residuals Fuck Its from past hood days… I just dont care… plus i have a good sense of humor… or health defense mechanisms… I am bipolar manic ended… some all the hyper activity is channel into projects and tasks like stated in the books… but still financial related…
FEAR !
You're good girl
@thepersonaldevelopmentschool what about sexual abuse as an adult male? Are symptoms similar to a DA?
What does deactivating mean? Could it be all of the sudden pushing a friendship when you have been interacting in a very loving romantic way before?
It means shutting down.
Alternate title: Why I Don't Date DAs Anymore 😂. On the upside, here we all are, healing our attachment systems- DAs included. Then we can mutually appreciate each other after becoming secure. It's a win for all of us.
My life has been normally hood crazy… hood it’s normal wild stuff… normal life I’m in the twilight zone with a narcissistic stalker…
What about sexual abuse as an adult? Are the symptoms similar to a DA?
How do you account for siblings brought up in exact same environment which have differing attachment styles??
Each individual has a unique life experience, a unique relationship with other people and themselves. I believe that living/growing up together and in some cases sharing trauma does not necessarily mean that the same coping mechanisms would be used by each sibling. I mean this in the same way as siblings, even identical twins do not necessarily have the exact same personality type. In addition parents may treat each child differently (favouring one over another for example) which in itself can create different types of trauma.
Different people have different personalities?
Why does she keep using terms little small to minimize their reasons to back off. It’s often a red flag they back off for
Can anyone see my comments? I posted a lengthy post and don't think it's visible.
Seen 🙏
@@mathiasolsen5378 Thanks. Not sure why my lengthy post isn't showing.
it sounds legit
I just can't deal with DAs
If a DA attachment style person is not opening up to you, it's probably because you're exhibiting signs that you are not safe. If you are riddled with emotional dysregulation, show signs of emotional manipulation, or chronically expect other people to emotionally regulate you, you are not safe.
DA are damaged people
Nope
It's because they interpret you as not safe based on their past experiences and not based on who you are because they don't see you, they only see their fear
Vocal fry.
Be aware she is just putting people in a category of needy people with a big interesting label on it!