Parenting with Borderline Personality Disorder - Techniques to Help You & Your Children
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- Опубліковано 6 чер 2024
- Parenting with Borderline Personality Disorder - Techniques to Help You & Your Children
Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
In English: goo.gl/LQEgy1
In Spanish: tinyurl.com/55f8tz86
In Polish: tinyurl.com/npzs9f98
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
shorturl.at/bxB05
Are you a parent who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? If so, you know the unique challenges and obstacles of managing your BPD and parenting effectively.
Many of my clients struggle with these same issues, so I made a video to help. In this video, we will discuss parenting interaction styles, emotion recognition, and activity structuring for parents with BPD. I provide interventions and techniques to help you be impactful when parenting your infant or teenager. The last part of this video teaches you a technique called Mindful Walking to help lessen the impact of parenting triggers and increase your ability to assess situations accurately and determine what is best for you and your children.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children: www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-P...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD -COMING SOON-
Dr. Fox has been teaching and supervising students for over 15 years at various universities across the United States, some of which include West Virginia University, Texas A&M University, University of Houston, Sam Houston State University, and Florida State University. He is currently a staff psychologist in the federal prison system, Adjunct Assistant Professor at University of Houston, as well as maintaining a private practice that specializes in the assessment and treatment of individuals with complex psychopathology and personality disorders.
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
UA-cam: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: goo.gl/1X1vhR
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
Citation: Petfield, L., et al. (2015). Parenting in mothers with borderline personality disorder and impact on child outcomes. Evidence Based Mental Health, 18, 67-75.
Omg. Those were my exact thoughts and words. I am over protective because i dont want my daughter to turn out like me. =/ i love my daughter so much and i dont want anyone to hurt her.
LIFEISAJOURNEY same here and i was sayin, sometimes i dont know whats my part or her part in THE questions i ask myself, and i makin iT worse, in my mind, Maybe, just dunno but iTS getij me very crazy while maybe iTS just not necessary, shes 8 now
@@sickly2984 im father i have a 6 year old boy a 5 yr old girl and a 3 yr old girl, i feel like I'm crazy and im going to make them hate me.. or that im a sook and they wont need me or.... whatever wierd combo it is i feel.useless
My mother is most likely bpd and narcisstic and I've been trying since my children were young and with special needs to try to be the best parent for them. My mum has interfered and pushed me out, she's made things so much harder that I have to try now so much more just to achieve a bit of the way with my youngest. I have no idea if I will ever get it right but with my hubby we are slowly getting there.
@@barbaramarshall5271 a person can't be both narcasisistic and have bpd.. narcasisis's have no empathy (or they can't care) while a person with BPD cares and worries about everything and does everything they can to make sure that everyone is happy etc x
@@emmapring9578 yes they can!!! They flip back and forth which makes it incredibly difficult because it’s so confusing. My mother is severely Bpd but married a narcissist 45 years ago and has picked up ALOT of his traits. The narcissism makes her feel safe as crazy as that sounds. I
It's so hard to find free content about parenting with BPD. I'm currently expecting my first child and it all feels so overwhelming at times. Specially because most of what is out there is how to survive or heal from a BPD parent... not how to be a good parent despite having BPD.
Thank you for supporting parents with BPD, and please do more of this videos.
I am here because i just got diagnosed and i am expecting my first child. How are you doing in your first year as parent!? I am so worried.
@@rugyjoy how are you doing?
We need a series of videos about parenting with bpd...
I'm a bpd parent and loving and carung for my beautiful babies is actually one thing I really do well :)
Same here!
💗
Four grown up children an younger son would like that mum too
Me too
I am terrified to have a child, I am frightened I will be a bad mum :(
Youre awesome for supporting bpd
Parents.
Sama r so many people hating on this personality trait .... !
Yes he is ❤️
Thank you so much for this! There aren’t enough resources for BPD parents. When I research it I only find how to recover when your own parent had BPD.
Same here, glad I found this, going to try to use some of these techniques
You can't be helped and destroy the mental health of your children... If you love your child then give them to someone, anyone else to raise... They will thank you for it later.
@@prepchris145 really??
@@prepchris145 wtf
@@prepchris145 untreated bpd parents can cause bpd in their own children. HOWEVER if you have sought treatment you can heal from bpd and pretty much cease all negative behaviors. People with bpd love can love very intensely, we aren't all horrible manipulative monsters. Many just didnt learn to manage emotions properly as result of their own experience as children.
When a bpd person doesn't accept help, they are likely to be explosive, etc. But when we accept help and want to change, the recovery is incredibly fast.
I understand your negative comment, I myself had a bpd mom. And she gave it to me. But guess what? she didnt have the resources I do. They weren't available until very recently.
Dialectical behavioral therapy can work wonders for people that want to get better. I never thought I'd be where I am today.
Dr. Fox - Will you please consider making another parenting video that goes into more detail?
Yes!! Please. I love your videos. They help sooooo much
The one thing I have been able to improve on the most is my parenting, having bpd is hard but I put lots of effort into my children and loving them. The main thing I find helpful is to love myself first.
I just broke down and cried watching this. I am not diagnosed but I have no doubt in my mind that I have this. I fully believe my mother did as well. I feel like I am always screaming and yelling and punishing my children for doing things that frustrate me like crying for extended periods of time or being emotional over something minor or messing something up that I meticulously fix even though the voice in my head knows they’re just children I get so overwhelmed by them. I have always said I’d never be like my mother and I always wanted to be this “Pinterest” mom but I’m just a loud, angry monster. I do often wonder what I got myself into because having children is what triggered this for me because as a teen I just seemed to stay more fixated on an issue 10X longer than a friend did to this affecting my daily life and marriage as an adult because I’m constantly stirring up arguments with my husband over something I thought up in my head that more than likely isn’t real. I wish I could see a therapist to get a diagnosis because I feel it would help me tremendously knowing I’m not crazy
you should try doing cbt worksheets on your own until you can get a therapist. (dr fox has some on his website and you can google them and print them off for free) i cant afford one right now so ive been doing my own sessions with those papers and im no longer afraid to be open with my partner about it when i need to talk. you arent crazy and you can definitely get better !
Well done for admitting that there is a problem as well as having the insight to realise that BPD is at the root of it. My mother has BPD but she insisted that it was bipolar and the doctors were wrong. It is only now that I realise that she was BPD . She could have helped herself and us if she owned her illness like you have. When your kids are old enough tell tell them about it ... but don’t do what my mother did and heap her problems on to us. Good luck :-)
Steffers 71914 you have all the heart you need to learn more about it. Your insight is very much showing that you want to be an even better you. Don’t beat yourself up. Be gentle with yourself and everyone. It is often that very distortion that we believe we are monsters who allows the disorder to overwrite what is possible instead. We can learn to manage and handle it differently than we would usually do. Over time we can find to a place of control wether we believe that this is possible is up to us. I am encouraging you to seek healing for yourself instead of putting yourself down. That is no place to be in regarding your children. I am certain you love them and they love you regardless. Your family deserves healing. From a place of understanding to a place of recovery. Wishing you all you need. With much gratitude
You're not alone here ❤
I would also say to listen to your kids. Over 30 years of parenting (my kids are between 9 and 27 plus stepkids) whilst being undiagnosed I would say that your kids instinctively know when you are going off the rails. So pay attention to what they say about your outbursts, take on board the clues and actually ask them to tell you when mummy is starting to lose it. Welcome their input in telling you to stop - let's face it, probably your mum never could and in those days you weren't allowed to talk back and that's how come you've ended up this way xc
Even a parent that does not have BPD should listen to this. Thank you
+kathé La Pointe 🦊👍
I'd LOVE a video about parenting children who exhibit symptoms of BPD. I hope you will consider this!
YES! I clicked on this video hoping that it would be discussed as well. We as parents have such a desire to help our children and there is very little information out there.
Interesting!! I wonder what that dynamic is like for the parents.
@@donnygat It's very hard.
I thought this is about parenting kids who have BPD. Dr. Fox, please make a video on that too. Thanks!
Donny Mazarati
Yeah, it is a rollercoaster ride that makes you feel like a cop during a BLM protest.
I nursed my babies for a long time because I felt like I could nurture them easily that way. I tried to look at their faces the whole time. It helped me bond. I also wore them in carriers so we felt close to each other. Parenting can be overwhelming. Some days I just can’t smile and that makes me feel guilty
Thank you so much for being kind to us and just talking instead of judging or spewing vitriol like most channels. When is "Growing Beyond Your BPD" coming out? I'll be first in line.
@John Feenstra we are people too. We didn't choose this.
@John Feenstra you are choosing to put all of us into this category. I have 2 young children who I would NEVER hurt. I don't spank or hit them and do not believe in corporal punishment whatsoever.
Just because there are people out there that have unchecked mental health, does NOT mean that is everyone who has the label of Borderline.
I attend individual therapy once a week, group therapy once a week and even go to 2 other groups per month ON MY OWN.
I get why you may feel angry but it is truly unfair to put us all in a box. It's close minded and not helping anyone.
Many (I'd say most honestly) with borderline would not defend this kind of behavior.
We are responsible to gain awareness, put our walls down and get the help we need to better ourselves and protect our families, friends and the world.
John, I’m praying that you can forgive your mother and get help for yourself ❤️❤️❤️
Just reading your anger; I can see how distorted your thinking has become. Pursue health ❤️
Borderlines should be institutionalized so they can't harm others.... Giving them victim status isn't helping them or anyone else... If you are borderline and truely care about getting better then go have yourself committed and save the good people of this world and your children all of the pain you inflict on this world.
I must say i did mirror her and played with her. My mother neglected me so bad and i made sure since she was born that i wasnt going to put my daughter through what i went through. I have alot of bad memories and feeling so alone as a child and i never wanted my daughter to feel alone and afraid. I am the over compensating parent.
Me too x
Thank you for making these videos. I know I feel SO alone and feel like I will NEVER be a good enough mom. Like Ever and I want SO Badly to be a good mom. I don’t want me to damage them. I’m so scared of hurting them damaging them. I LOVE them so much and wonder if I should have just left them for them but I love them So much. I feel so lost a lot of the time
I love your speaking demeanor doctor. Very calming and optimism inducing.
You have given me hope of becoming the best parent I can be. Thank you so much.
I would highly recommend baby massaging to help parents connect with their babies. It is a soothing and pleasant experience for both the parent & the baby (best carried out after the baby has had a bath & therefore is quite relaxed usually. Best not to be carried out if the baby is upset after a bath - holding, stroking and speaking soothingly to the baby is better, combined with their feed if it is due) - from my experience as a mother.
My-Shelter-Is Strong I love massaging my 7 year old! She has grown up with fitness in my life and I have realised barely anyone massages out their child’s muscles and when done it’s only for relaxation so why not also release the wear and tear of the day? Makes me feel good and her too
Thankyou so much it's so difficult parenting with my BPD sadly I have wounded my daughter I had little support , Thankyou.
John Feenstra your comment was nasty and inappropriate.
Insight is the first step to recovery. Please refrain from hate spread.
It is a good start to have insight. You might be only beginning now to learn and understand it but that is better than never. Healing your own wounds first is the way to go. You cannot go back in time and do it differently but you can now engage in the process of acknowledgment and hopefully recovery for yourself. I wish that same for your child. Both of you deserve to heal. If there is anything at all to mitigate the impact and facts of the past then it would be to accept that it happened and start the process of therapy toward change. You need to always clearly see that instead of wanting to undo or now do differently it shall be on your daughters terms wether that forgiveness can happen. Do not expect anything of her. Heal and create peace within yourself first. It might transpire and she might be able to work with you towards a more healthy relationship. I believe the best you can do on your parts is the start getting help for yourself. Learning how to and what is necessary so that your daughter will be able if she chooses to have a relationship with a much healthier mom.
I feel you
Omg me too! You are not alone!!!!
@John Feenstra sounds like you have a touch of bpd yourself. Lol. You are your mothers son :)
I have BPD and I don't think Ill let myself have kids because I feel like I'd abuse them either physically or psychologically. This might not be true but it's a fear I've had since I was a child because I know that when I get angry I don't always know how to control myself. I wanted to get a hysterectomy when I was twelve because of this. I get kind of sad when I think about how special it would be to love someone and have a family and raise a child better than how I was raised but I don't trust myself. I think it's safest to just never reproduce and stop the chain here. Thanks for the videos, they are very helpful.
Why won't you go to therapy? If you have the desire to have children of your own? Parents are not perfect..all parents have flaws nd mistakes all the time.pls dont b so hard on yourself..pray and read the Bible it really helps in learning about self control
Currently using the grounding technique. So relaxing. It’s been a testing day today with my daughter as I’m fighting with my partner who’s away and when she mentions something that reminds me of him it triggers me and I feel the intrusive thoughts coming back and am more likely to lash out with anger towards her. I’m good at realising before or during or after but I’m not perfect.
Thanks for understanding and thank you for the guidance.
So true!
The overwhelm makes it difficult.
OMG! The eye contact is huge.
You are a blessing to humanity.
Thank you doctor.
What a great channel! So much insight, compassion and understanding. Thank you so much. You're making a huge difference in other's lives.
Thank you for being the only video I could find about parents with bpd who want to help
Wow. What a great and important and kind video to make. I will share this. Early childhood development and it's affect on a person are things I have researched and studied. I am aware of how important the first five years are. How all of the years are. And as a mother, I understand how challenging parenting can be sometimes.Thank you for making this.
Please make more parenting videos. I was blindsided by a diaper (great book btw,) and i didnt' know what to do. you described it perfectly. i was scared to look at my baby. i spent the first three years in sheer terror looking through her; beyond her; searching for the horror i was previously convinced existed. thankfully, after working with a clinician(individual & grp weekly therapy) i get to be a better more mindful, albeit human, who now owns up and discusses my mistakes nonjudgementally and my 'big' deep, emotions with understanding and honoring them with love until they leave. it's not easy and my spouse says i lay too much on my 6yo however, i do it in an age approriate way, honoring the emotion, honoring myself and honoring and appreciating her for taking the time to understand one another through it. generally it is when i feel disconnected from her or simply going through a painful moment. BECAUSE OF THIS: i have made a concerted effort to also call her over when i'm feeling happy, excited, eagerly anticipating joyfully and i try to tell her how i manage those big feelings as well. all feelings are welcome. all feelings are mine. all feelings are hers. what are they? i do not know. i simply acknowledge taht feelings are somethign that spans the experience of human emotion and it may look different in other people, we get to honor that in ourselves, respect and love our humanness. i thank you dr. fox. i've already preordered your book on my kindle. i can tell you do it for the love of the work because you give links to your sheets. given that, i may buy the physical book as well. i appreciate you and the hopeful message of a skillful, values consistent life you remind us exists. thank you for that.
Thank you I found this very helpful over the videos that constantly refer to “these individuals” or “borderlines and narcissists” lumped into one category
These videos mean so much to me. I have bpd and have 3 sons. It’s a struggle every day but therapy coupled with these videos help. 💗
A million thanks for this video!! I am mother with bpd and I have an 8 year old daughter with autism. Your technique of mindful walking is a godsend!
Thank you Dr Fox, these videos have been extremely helpful to me. I got your workbook yesterday and it has also been a big help. You’re helping me point out things that are part of my disorder, rather than it being me. It is enabling me to have more grace with myself and relax a little. I can’t afford good therapy also, so this is my go-to 🥳🧘♀️❤️🙏
I'm crying right now cos I never feel like I'm doing good enough, even though everyone says I'm a great mum I feel like my bpd effects my energy and sometimes I'm not up to the standard I should be
I think that a lot of people experience this and it’s important to stop and define what that metric is for you. Without those goals being defined how would you ever know if you’re close to it or reaching it. I wish you all the best
This guy is very good because you can tell his knowledge is deep and many people on UA-cam such as jorden Peterson they speak on this topic but you can tell they are just speaking from a place of know it all versus full depth
I really enjoyed this and I dont have borderline. I have met a lot of parents, moms in particular, who have consistently made several of these mistakes. I think a lot of this advice can be helpful to anyone.
Thank you for helping me and so many others. God bless you!
Thank you for being so kind and understanding towards those of us with BPD! I really do put a lot of stress on myself to be a perfect mom (part of it is exacerbated by constantly worrying about someone calling CAS on me. A friend was told by a CAS worker that "Yelling is abuse." I'm a passionate person who gets loud when excited or worked up; I don't mean to be loud. The other part is I want her to always feel loved, appreciated, and respected.) I really do beat myself up for not always being the patient, kind mom I want to be. Like the ones on commercials. I try to remind myself those tv moms are actresses following a script, and that irl the actresses would also probably be saying "I told you to watch what you're doing, and you didn't listen! You knocked your juice over, now clean it up!" They would not be smiling as they reached for the paper towel.
Thank you very much this was very useful advice and helpful to hear as a BPD parent of a child approaching teen years.
Thank you so much for this video. It was full of great information and helpful tips.
I don’t know how I didn’t see this video before but I needed it. Thank you Dr. Fox
I have bipolar one and borderline personality disorder. My children are five and six and it's been a challenge every step of the way. I dissociate a lot when I'm manic or hypomanic. Being at all interested in their lives and their emotions is difficult during those times. Sometimes I wear earplugs and just physically feed them and make sure that they are safe but do not tune in emotionally for days. I'm wracked with the guilt and regret of how my parenting is hurting them.
I have a strong support system and one positive aspect is I do read them their bedtime stories. They both love me and forgive me for everything. I wish I could have given them a better childhood and not made them grow up so early. But I'm struggling and fighting every day, and I intend to keep going.
This content has been extremely helpful, thank you so much Dr Fox.
Stunning video! Crucial.
Wish I had seen this when my child was a baby... Would've made the world of a difference! There is a serious need for more support towards parents who have BPD. Thank you this really helped me as my child is now a teen and have so many regrets from past mistakes 😣
I am so thankful, for all your videos. You have no idea how expensive it is, for this treatment. Thank you
But probably he does 😂
Sometimes, with teens, they actively seek to fluster you in order to gain emotional advantage. I saw this happen with my mother-in-law all the time. She'd give her teens chores and they would start to hammer her with questions about fairness, why now, etc. and she would get frustrated and lose the battle to get them to do chores. I used to agree with the never-say-"because I said so" idea, but it's clear that sometimes the demand for explanation can be unreasonable. Because-I-said-so can be the right answer. Parents have some natural claim on minimal respect, though certainly explanations are great when reasonable, and modeling reasonableness is important.
Parenting is tricky, but your are certainly correct about the ideal to strive for.
Loving your videos and the way you are addressing these difficult topics.
I need a whole series on this please , found this helpful Thankyou
This was a very helpful video for me, thank you!! I do struggle with remembering mindfulness and then tend to have the over reacting and guilt cycle. I love the idea of mindful walking
Glad it was helpful!
THANK YOU DR. FOX
We sure could have used your info when our children were little..thankfully all 3 are very mature functioning adults..wow we say when we look back!
thank you so much, great help for us moms. so informative. you are godsend. more power to you
Thanks for your advices. I have borderline disorder, and it is very hard to grow up my children. I get stressed, overwhelmed, sad. Im sure you technics will help me a lot.
Thank you so much for your videos!
sooo thankfull for this video! ty soo much!
Dr. Fox, you amaze me how you're talking to everyone in your videos, but I feel they are customized to me. Thank you very much for those educational videos.
You are very welcome
Thank you for this video, I believe my mother and my daughter may possibly have this and I don't want my daughter turning out like my mum. This is why I asked for this information, my husband, daughter and I are doing our best to support and love her and slowly it's helping. Although I am not sure exactly how we got here though, I just know I have to help her though.
I have never had the courage to ever try any groups with my daughter, except for one and I felt even more alone and like a failure than I did before I went. I have also been a lone parent with BPD and PTSD all her life (6 Years). I have struggled so much but have also found tactics of my own to help and survive. She is 6 now and is proving more challenging and the main challenge is her defiance to do as I ask and then when I go to discipline she either has a melt down OR she challenges me and I feel some emotionally confused I cave OR I TRY to give punishment when I'm overwhelmed and near popping.
However, as usual I am always active in finding a solution to help her understand easier and simplify the situation for us both and potentially then making things at home less stressful for us both. I also try to be clear and as open as is appropriate. I believe in saying sorry for things that I get wrong, I frequently remind her that even grown ups get things wrong too. I have at times said the 'because I said so' and I regret it later because usually when I am in a clear state of mind, I almost always try to explain my decisions to her because I believe if a child knows 'why' then they will be more proactive in achieving what we want them to do, as you have said. I also always try to really encourage my angry self to re-connect with her emotionally and physically (hugging her and kissing her) to help re-iterate to her that I love her and that I am having an emotion or reaction to something and that is ok, it is our behaviour that may need checked. This really works and I am already seeing a drastic change in our struggles. she has begun to ask for physical and emotional connection, such as a hug when she is feeling and quite evidently emotionally overloaded. She has begun to 'fall apart' or as I see it have meltdowns. this I know is because I have been unable to harness my feeling of being overwhelmed and then I erupt. She, of course, sees this sometimes and then as you said again, they learn that that is the appropriate way of behaving. This issue is being worked on continuously. I have every faith restored that I can still teach my daughter the appropriate ways of handling our emotions, even if I am still learning myself and that she and I will one day have the relationship and life I have always dreamed of for us both. Thankyou so much, your video literally has just saved this mother from giving up all hope on ever getting better or ever getting anything right. I have passed your channel along to my mother too who is also my main support. The videos about supporting someone with BPD and loving people with BPD all look very promising, I have yet to watch them but I hope they provide her with some tips on how to help and support me in this extremely bumpy and exasperating journey. Thankyou so much, again
Thank you so much!!!
It’s so hard because logically I know that I am a good mother but emotionally I don’t feel that I am good enough of a mother. It’s a constant struggle.
I literally cried the whole time. Wow. Thank you.
You're very welcome. I'm glad the video was helpful. Be well.
Thank you for this insightful and positive video. :-)
This video is so helpful it's worth revisiting on the tough days. I hope to find something that touches on the toddler years until the teens. The toddler time period I find so challenging. I believe it's due to having arrested development. Many of us with BPD have the urge to handle stress the same way toddlers do. When they have irrational tantrums it's hard to fight the urge to throw a tantrum right back. Anyway, I can't thank you enough for this video.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
I have bpd and have a autistic 17 years old and I always feel not good enough and I sometimes feel he don’t like me ... thanks for help Dr .. but I don’t show a lot of touching like hugs it’s not easy for me ... Love and Light x
I have this saved in my playlist. Thank you
You’re very welcome and I’m glad you found the video helpful.
Thank you dr fox
I'm a mother of a5 year old
Bpd and several comorbid
I see this is old but i need it now
I didn't connect easily with my son
I'm glad things are different now
I'm in dbt therapy
u give so many so much hope!
Your amazing thx u so much for all ur videos
Thank you thank you thank you thank you so much For this video !!!!! I am a mother of 4 little kids, I have been dying for this type of video, I would love if you wrote a book on this topic also, I looked all over for a book about parenting with bpd, I've seen books on adult kids who had parents with bpd but havent seen anything in how to parent when you have bpd. My number 1 wish in life is to go back to 12 yrs ago when my first was born and be a better parent, do it all over again after I have already worked on myself and figured out techniques.
thank you doctor. you've given me hope
Glad to hear that
I remember my mum saying I looked like a slag when I'd spent hours cultivating my appearance as an unconfident 15 year old in 1984. It's okay now - I'm bonding with Dr.Fox and I'm so grateful for that! ❤
I am genuinely sad and sorry you experienced this- so painful and so UNTRUE!!!
Mine offered to PAY me as a 12 yo to lose weight although I was a normal pre teen. Hugs
I wish I’d had this video 25 years ago. Your calming tone would have done me a world of good.
I think I did fairly well during her teen years but her early development was so difficult for me and paved her way of viewing me that made my efforts during her teens ineffective. Fortunately, her father and I were/are married and often "tagged" one another when a period of her life was out of our depth - and knowing and acknowledging our own and one another’s strengths and weaknesses was essential. I was permissive, authoritative, but spoiled her terribly and over-apologized as well as over-indulged her. Despite my very best efforts (and making so many of those mistakes you spoke about - poor self-care, trying to be too perfect, etc), we lost her. She told us just a few months before she cut us off that we had been "too perfect as parents" - which was decidedly NOT meant to be a compliment, as I now understand - and then, just over a year ago, she cut us completely out of her life. She married a dangerous man, lied to him about us, and for a few months before and after their wedding, we had to deal with "flying monkeys" while she refuses to speak to us at all.
Now I sit here wishing I had never had her. Although, I have learned and grown a lot in this past year and am doing much better for myself and my marriage. We will celebrate our silver (25th) wedding anniversary next month.
Jamie Brower Jamie, could you explain a little bit more what your doughter ment by saying you were too perfect parents? Did she mean, she didn’t feel she was able to meet your high standards or was it something different?
Alexandra Lettau, I think, looking back on it and seeing now the way she has chosen to live her life, that she meant we lived in such a way that she felt she couldn’t make choices she could justify based on a bad example we’d set. We didn’t drink or have big raucous parties like many of her friends’ parents, we were financially responsible instead of mortgaging our futures for small amusements today, we tried to be overly fair with her even when we knew she was trying to "get something over on us". I think she decided that, because we (I) tried to be too perfect, it gave her no room to make mistakes, rebel, or to act out as she would have...or did - thinking we were oblivious. Even her acts of rebellion were met (mostly) by an unacceptable amount of understanding that forced her to feel guilty. Guilt and shame are not feelings she copes well with even if I do believe they are essential emotions to experience.
In other words, when she learned of my BPD and began doing research in books and online and my behaviors didn’t match up to what is described by the hate sites, she had no scapegoat for her own behavior and *i think* it angered her. She had no idea how hard I was fighting my brain every day for her sake.
Jamie Brower thank you for the answer! And I‘m sorry it happened this way with your daughter.
Saulė Lovegood hmm...there is a lot there to unpack. I am seeing clearly that you might suffer from lack of empathy putting all responsibility on everyone else but yourself. Your comment here is already explaining a lot to me. You basically excuse your behavior by claiming you did everything right, entirely scapegoating your daughter. Reading your harsh and self indulgent words I feel for your daughter. Smh...The words you say about your own child display your inner issues of projection and splitting. And deep distortion. You seem to lack any ability for insight especially into her emotions. You go on and on praising yourself and your marriage ( saying we a lot as in you and your husband) totally isolating her placing all faults on her. Not one positive remark. Nothing but critical degrading comments about her.
Than you say the most horrid thing ever...( wish I had not had her...😱)
I am certain your daughter felt just like that her whole life. If there is any accountability you show than it is by claiming you did ‘too well’...omg? You really believe that?
Your child is the way she is because of you. You seem to miss the very thing that makes a parent a good parent and that is unconditional love.
The onset of BPD is almost exclusively environmental. So YOU are responsible.
I think you hate her. At least that is what it sounds like. However I suspect that in reality you hate yourself and project it onto her. You prob. raised her this way. It is a wonder she did not commit suicide already...
You also believe that shaming and blaming a person enough will make them change who they are...now THAT is a huge huge red flag in healthy parenting approach. Is that how you were raised? Terrible. I have to say that I wish you would be able to shame and guilt yourself if that is so important to you. Torture yourself that way instead of overcompensating ( perfect family right...?except your dysfunctional daughter who refuses or is simply unable to be perfect. That expectation is sick and only sets a child up for a failure that is not their fault. YOU set her up. YOU ruined her. YOU are NOT loving and certainly by NO means perfect or a good mother. I beg to pardon and tell you that I think you are deeply disturbed and that in fact you are the mentally ill one here. The best thing that could happen to your daughter is going NO CONTACT with you and HEAL to the place of self love.
It is humans like you who shall not have had any kids like you pointed out for yourself. Cuz it ain’t your daughter’s fault that she was born to a person like you. You don’t deserve to be a mom. You did not deserve that miracle for that you did not receive her as such.
My ❤️goes out to your wonderful daughter. I pray for her peace and forgiveness for you. Compassion is what is best here. With much gratitude
Doreen Plischke, do you know her? Do you know me?
I’m not sure where you gleaned some of your conclusions based on what I wrote. If you can come to such a thorough understanding in a tiny snapshot, you’re far more gifted than I and far more cruel in your commentary than I could conceive of being to anyone - let alone someone for whom I’m making assumptions instead of asking for clarification. I said nothing about my parenting (other than the part where I said I think I did ok during her teen years) except what she said - hence the quotation marks around particular sections. I failed and acknowledge that to a depth you could probably scarcely imagine. I take full responsibility for what part I’ve played in who she has become and how she has chosen to live in the world but, make no mistake, she is not saintly as a result. It took me distance to see that because she was my favorite person her entire life. I put her so far above me that she developed some traits that will become difficult for her to navigate and control.
And now, I’ll thank you to refrain from further abuses. Good day.
Many “Golden Nuggets” here.. Thank you 🙏🏻
You're very welcome. I'm glad the video was helpful. Be well.
Yes, I find it very tricky. That would be of great help.
This is so amazing 👏 I was diagnosed bpd 10 years ago, and 6 years ago became mother, single mother for 2,5 (narcistic partner, so typical) i focused on being good parent, as an empath it was main goal, doing reparentin and recall therapy last year but unofficial by my dear friend and cousine. Now going to official therapy because while I was protecting myself from the world around and world around from me, creating my own fairytale, feeding the hunger for strong stimulators and emotions found in books and writing, practicing emotions control... there are still issues like trust to meet love, trust that they actually love me and so on...
I’m so glad it’s helpful. Be well.
I always remember it's my problem not my children's. It takes practice to be mindful and to be aware of your triggers, thoughts and behaviour. Before I react I think. It is a life long journey to try and undo the conditioning of our early lives. Keep pushing forward no matter how many step backs you take. We deserve love and to know how to love...Plus no one is a perfect parent. 👌❤💜💚💛👍 be kind to yourself.
Great!👍👍
Thank you for this video. Over protective mothering is me to a T. You were right when you said mothers with bpd tend to have EXTREME expectations of themselves and feel horrible when they can't meet that expectation.
My question is this: I have never disciplined my daughter, feeling too much guilt when I try...shes 7 now, is it too late to start and if not, can you give some tips?
Recently diagnosed with BPD. When my daughter was born I was so horrified of losing her that I didn’t sleep for weeks because if I took my eyes off her and let someone else watch her I was certain she would die. It got so bad I began hallucinating and would cry every time I went to the bathroom. I wouldn’t let anyone watch her, I wouldn’t let her be anywhere without me. I left her with my mom at my home once to go to the post office then minutes away and felt a panic through my entire body about it. I can’t lie, I’m bad at playing with her… I don’t know how, but I’m extremely extremely protective even still 2.5yrs later. I do let people watch her now but it causes me a lot of guilt and anxiety.
This can be very challenging. You may want to explore with a mental health provider.
Great video
Thanks!
I am super overprotective, but definitely the opposite of detached. My daughter and I are really close. We interact more than most parents and children. I think that I am possibly too dependent on her. Are there any others like this?
Yes. I struggle w/the same. I have long realized that I do this solely because my mother ( who more likely had BPD) was unable to fill any needs I had at all. Incapable to tune in, connect, listen or love in an unconditional fashion.
I tend to fall short of being strict or consequent because I believe that this is neglect.
I am receiving DBT therapy but it is without saying parenting is not imbedded particularly in this skill oriented module, sadly so.
have you done videos like this about other personality disorders?
Dr. Fox, can you please do a video on how a parent with BPD can parent a high needs (adhd/ASD) child who’s experienced some trauma already.. my boy is very very high energy and I feel horrible for not knowing how to interact with him the way he wants me to. I feel like i’m in a constant state of guilt for knowingly not keeping up with him.
Thank you for the suggestion and I will add it to the list. I would suggest finding an adaptive strategy that can help keep your stress level low, this could be ice baths and other relaxation techniques that can help, but do them on a regular basis not when you feel stressed.
I wanted to hear more about how to handle a toddler if the care giver has BPD. I'm looking after my 5 year old nephew because my sister passed away recently. I managed quite well for 5 months when it was more difficult because the child was grieving but now I feel overwhelmed at times because he doesn't listen to me and challenges whatever I tell him to do. I don't criticize myself that much but I still feel like a failure and a horrible person because sometimes I endup getting frustrated and yell at him. I'm living with my mother and she has recently started helping me looking after him but she is the one who is more skeptical of my behavior. She relates all of his tantrums to the loss of his mother and believes that he will learn to behave as he'll become older. In this situation I feel very guilty because I really love him and don't want to ruin his personality due to my own mental health issues. I don't know what to do I feel trapped
Could you please consider making a video about children of BpD parents? I'm still struggling at over 50, and getting re-traumatized by meeting people with a similar personality as my parent. I feel that over pulled into the view through distorted eyes until I doubt my sanity. I don't care whether the adult keeps seeing things in an extreme way with extreme ups and downs aa to how things are or were. Their narrative changes often, in my roommates case she contradicts herself every few minutes even within a single speech. And that's only about shopping she did...
Reminded me andase me realize that I was so often in situations with both parents where I was shocked about their reaction. It led to confusion and extreme insecurity about the world around me. Certain things were consistent but especially daily events, my emotions or whatever they reacted to, were unpredictable. I felt like on a surfboard standing up for the first time. What's the effect on the brain there?
In my roommates case it's about her topic of money and her mother or so. She keeps lying and contradicting herself about where the money is from, not that I care!, Lying about how much the cheese cost that she brought for me (I didn't ask for anything), charging me more...of course on other items too, lying about where the receipt is...it seems ridiculous and all of her own doing because I did not want anything lol. Lying about things that are visibly and objectively not that way. I know from your explanations that bps might lie and extremely exaggerate because they feel that's the only way others will notice how upset they are. Not that this is everv working...
Anyways I'm realizing what I was exposed to on a daily basis as a child cause it is still having that paralysing effect. Yes, other people would just walk away from my roommate, and they do. I am trying too. How much does this bpd assumption of having to lie and exaggerate in order to be heard affect others? Children, teenagers? It still feels to me like a hit on the head every time. That roommate doesn't know what's going on with her in her life or in her head. It's crazy. Of course, the child looses contact with its own inner being. It's still difficult for me to feel I need money for myself even if others are in trouble. Or I need to end a conversation. Or dealings with someone. I even forget to shower cause i felt it yesterday but it's gone today. The body awareness, the feeling, the smell of myself...
I'm looking for help on how to tell my teenage boys about my BPD & other comorbid disorders. I would like to suggest a video about how to "come out" to your children and possibly even your own parents. (Although I, personally, will probably never tell my parents or siblings.) It would really fill a void on this important subject. I've asked my psychiatrist, therapist & done web searches without much luck. The professionals said that was a great question that they had never been asked. They said they'd ask colleagues but never gave me a reply. I can't find any suggestions to help, even when making a general search for any mental illnesses at all. My main purpose is so they are aware & won't feel ashamed to look for help if they need it. I fear I may not have broken the generational cycle although I have always been fully aware, took responsibility & made deliberate efforts to change maladaptive behaviors. For many stretches in time, I was "super mom". However, I have definitely made mistakes, and they've been exposed to events they never should have been. Having life threatening chronic illnesses has contributed to relapses.I don't want to present it to them in an awkward, overblown way, or seem like I'm making excuses. Although, I am hoping they will understand my brain is truly wired differently. It won't be a total surprise since they know me well as their mother. They've accompanied me for years on visits to drs. & therapists. I think they respect that I'm in treatment, but I believe they think it's been for depression, anxiety, insomnia, & ADHD. I very much appreciate your videos on family dynamics & help for living with a person with BPD. I am almost halfway through your workbook. I've never written a post like this. I would like to tell them soon since my oldest will be home from college for the holidays. I know that is too soon for a video if you were to make one. However, perhaps some of your followers have suggestions from their own experiences. I really want to handle this in the most healthy way I can, keeping their well-being first and foremost.
Dr. Fox, is it likely that a mother with BPD might create narcissistic traits in their child because of the terror of abandonment, the permissive nature, and the lack of self-care to extreme levels?
I would like to know this as well.
I am a borderline father. Showingove and affection are the hardest for me. I feel disconnected from their emotions sometimes. It makes me feel like a a bad parent.
I broke up with my BDP ex-boyfriend because I want to have a child and I was terrified that he would be this way with our kids. Either that or completely smother and weaken them (e.g. by making the child a FP). Sadly the lack of emotional connection with parents is exactly what caused his BDP in the first place and I know it can be passed on.
I wonder how much, if at all, I should explain my bpd to my adult children.
you should, its a part of you.
They 100% know it already.
It will be great if you made more video for parenting at all ages. Adult child with BPD how parenting
Could you make a video to help kids and teenagers with low self esteem, please!
Any tips for borderline personality disorder for Grandmother?
Are the parents of BPD patients are ignored by them? My daughter had separate me out of her life. Her partner is a woman doctor. I hope you can talk about this particular case. No psychologist ever told me how to live and deal during teen age and now adult daughter. I will appreciate you go over this subject. Thank you
I want to be a great father but I constantly feel/ think I'm a horrible father. When I have to discipline my children I feel I am abusing them so I end up being very lenient and my children get completely out of control. I feel I am letting them down because I don't do enough with them but I hate leaving the house and I'm afraid they will learn something bad from other kids that will make their lives harder. I'm so overwhelmed by the responsibility and the pressure it's paralyzing. I thank God that I have a wife to help me. But that has its own issues. I'm a mess.
The way you speak suggests they can control themselves. Usually when they are in a state they absolutely can't. I wish you would have spoken about what the fallout having such parents is for children. It's not fun.
My mom told me that my dad has bpd, she told me when I was 14. Now I'm 18. He made me suffer a lot, yet he also tried to give me everything he could. I ended up being kinda cold towards him, I see him only once a year or every 2 years because my parents divorced when I was like 9 or 10, yet I love him to death. I don't know how to express my love, yet he's always super sweet to me. He never hit me as a child, he was mostly absent. I don't want to talk about the wrongs that my mom did to me because here we're talking about bpd. So I don't know what to say. I just know that parents with bpd are special and that they, most of the time, love their children.
My daughter ..with bpd ..is almost emotionally abusive to her daughter...and I will not stand for it...not happening. Great for those of you who say you parent well....my daughter doesn't...he daughter lives with me...for the childs SAFETY. PERIOD.
My daughter doesn’t parent her daughter well either and refuses to allow the child to solely live with me. For days she yells, is mean, aggressive, out of control then wakes up one morning like she hasn’t been horrible for days. This pattern has been since the birth. Maybe 7 or 8 times she’s tried to give the baby away over Facebook, threatened to kill the baby and herself, said she doesn’t want her, somebody take her. I’ve told her many times to leave the baby now toddler and go, but she won’t. She got the baby put in foster care last week. I’m at my wits end with my daughter.
What do you think about the book the weather house. It is written by 2 psychologists about a parent explaining bpd. I was trying you get it for my children but thought it might be putting my wife as a bad person. Any thoughts?
I'm not familiar with it. I don't think blaming ever helps, it keeps us stuck. I prefer to focus on methods to move us all forward; that doesn't mean forget the past but master it and move forward. I do understand that what I'm saying takes time and is not easy. I wish you well.
@dr. Daniel fox I know this isn't ur responsibility nor would I expect u to be able to change it but I find it interesting and a little unsettling the ads I've seen with videos on BPD. I'm doing some research on BPD because I have an ex partner I'm trying to decide how to cook parent with. On EVERY video I've watched there is an advertisement for the "law of attraction." I watch a lot of UA-cam and I've never seen these ads except for on videos with BPD in the title. It concerns me because it almost seems like they are targeting people with this disorder. This brings me to a question....would there be any reason for a business to target this or any mental disorder? Are people with BPD more likely to fall into the esoteric or mysticism? I'm just very curious because if these companies are targeting people BECAUSE of their disorders, that seems a little unethical. And again, I'm in NO way putting blame on you (I know how UA-cam and monetization works) I'm just curious why I'm seeing these ads in only this genre of videos.
I think it's gender related actually and also because it's considered in the realm of "self Help" content
My suspected BPD husband loves holding babies when they are sleeping or placid, but hands them off immediately when they start exerting energy of any kind. As our kids, and grandchildren grew older he became more distant, more non existent or overbearing with them.
I have had most of the BPD traits most of my life, to varying degrees, I.e. it gets better with age. While I’m certainly not a typical, structured, grounded, or truly reliable parent, I find that this part doesn’t fit for me. Eye contact, touch, babbling/motherese, come naturally to me. Perhaps this is an area where poorly defined boundaries come in. Wow never sexually inappropriate or anything along those lines, hugs and snuggles and those types of behaviors physical as well as a closeness that doesn’t decrease as the child gets older seems to be to my benefit rather than that of my child. It is very likely that I am seeking to meet my own emotional needs through this relationship these interactions.
Agreed
We suspect that our family member has BDP, she has one child already and has announced that she is having another.
The father is not in the picture so she has been living with our elderly parents who are in their 70s. Our family member is not open to any therapy. Does anyone have any insight on the best way to approach the situation.
I have a question. I have a ten year old highly intelligent son! I'm very mindful with him. Mindful of his emotions, his reception of my moods, I talk with him often about bpd and what it means, the things that happen in my brain and the fact that it's never his fault! When I get over simulated, which is often. And I just go from happy and free feeling to all of the sudden the very same action that was just perfectly fine, is no longer okay. And I say things like, "that was fun, bit now we're done" i very calmly just say, " okay. I'm beginning to feel over stimulated now we should probably stop"
Or I'll even give him warnings like okay. You've done that a few times now, find a stopping spot. Or I'm just about done with that, you get once more and that's it. I guess what I'm saying is that I am very attentive or rather, as attentive as I'm able to be! When I'm able....
As I said, he is brilliant. I'm proud of him. But lately he's shown me certain things that let me know that he definitely plays me sometimes. He uses my emotions against me and is at times quite manipulative!
For instance he'll act as if I'm being mean, after saying something very basic.. "I've asked you to stop, I am certain that you heard me. Yet you continue, so don't be surprised when I present you with a punishment." It's as if he's attempting to gaslight me!
Or he'll act super offended like I've hurt his feelings. I'm ALWAYS hyper focused on NOT breaking him the way my mother broke me! He knows how much that matters to me. I've even had him fake crying... To the point that I begin to console him and apologize... And question if I've gone too far or something... And I left the room, Mad at myself over it just to turn back towards him and see him laughing at me. Well, maybe just laughing about the situation.. but it feels like a personal attack. Like he's laughing at me!
To put it plainly... His ability to manipulate and completely play me... Has me kinda worried!
Maybe it's the whole splitting situation. All good or all bad.. And I wonder if I know his true self at all or how much of the time l can I even take him at his word.
I am very certain that I'm over thinking it... Cause that's what I do! But I need to know what is the best way to organize those thoughts or those situations.... That will be the least harmful on the long run... If I am wrong..
And then how much should I worry, given what I've just said... And factor in the fact that his father has Asperger's syndrome. I feel like my son almost has a similar "disconnect from emotion" he never really talks about his feelings. Tho he did once recently and it shocked me! He and I just relocated to another state and although he didn't see his dad nearly ever, even when he lived only 2 blocks from us... I guess it's different being so far away now. And little man has actually shown me the first sign that he does feel some strong emotion... He told me that even tho his dad was kinda a wreck... Worth his messy house and his dirty kids.... That it was still worth it just to be able to spend that time with his father... That being said... He wasn't given an extremely strong deck to be dealt his hand from... I just don't know how much I should worry this is my attempt to NOT over think it!
Omg... I feel like I've said at much that I need to apologize and say thank you if you're still reading this. And summarize it for you just in case.
So basically.. is there a such thing as over explaining it being too attentive to his emotional needs? Am I enabling home to manipulate by giving too much insight into how Ava what I'm feeling? Is it too much weight on his shoulders? Is it possible up damage him by telling him too much?
Are his manipulative abilities dangerous when coupled with potential spectrum disorder? Should I even assume that something has to be wrong?
Should I just feeling relax and stop analyzing everything?
Okay... I'm sorry. I think you get the point by now.. I appreciate any advice anyone might be willing to share!
Ohh yeah. Slight back story I should've mentioned... He is ten but I also have 3 adult children. That being said, it's easy to realize now what I missed with them! The patience that I should have had! The hugs that I could have had but didn't realize it until it was too late!
So I'm almost afraid that I'll trap him in childhood as to not lose that presciousness any sooner than necessary!