I asked my narcissist if he was ever happy. He replied, “no”. He didn’t ask me the same. No surprise there. Take your hand off the stove if you don’t want to get burned.
Exactly. Cuz he already knew that you'll never be happy with him, he won't let you go either and this is all he wanted. It's like the stove has hands of its own holding our hands not letting go.
@@mellymellongisland ...author Gary zukov was on Oprah...he was talking to a woman who was healing from a marriage that ended...he talked about using our intuition...he asked her when did she notice that something did not seem right in the relationship...it's funny how looking back we knew it all along...early in the relationship...
I couldn’t breathe after having Covid and recently released from hospital at beginning of pandemic and had scorn heaped on me, a silent accusatory authoritarian narc father, a verbally aggressive usually covert narc mother over zoom because I didn’t support the malignant narc brother who attempted to push a visit on me by his daughter who wanted to learn English in my house. I am 59 and have gone no contact with all of them (actually father passed but I realised only a few months ago that the sister was a covert one as well. ). I can’t believe I waited so long with my hand on the stove but it was just too much to take - all four family members narcs. Father and sister were high powered top execs at multinationals. I should have figured they were ruthless.
Whole Spirit I feel your pain. My divorce when through lady week. The past year and a half had been HELL for me financially, everything that can go wrong is and then some. BUT I am free of HIM. That is the best thing that ever happened to me to this day. I pray things get better for me in the future with God's help and intervention. Amen
Three times over the last 7 years I forgave and believed his charm/ lies/ bovine excrement......truly got to a point in Feb 2021 whilst looking at him laying in bed again and thought " what the hell am I doing with you". It took the third round with him ( 2 1/2 years) to finally see him, understand he was never going to change. Same shit, different me this time. I had to get him out of my home in April and its been hard but I feel so different this time. Blessings to you all. You'll all get there someday. It's 'effing hard...but the future is ours. I'm hurting but look back at all the abuse I endured because he made me feel guilty for not being enough.
" My healing will come as I remove Myself from the person who is generating this pain, And I Iisten instead, to my own yearning for peace." Peace is what you deserve. Thank you Dr. Thank you
I replied earlier, but decided to add more. You will be drain emotionally and financially, that is true. But if you're able to separate your emotions from their reality. You are on your way to the beginning of many personal victories. There are two realities in play here. The reality narcy constructs and wants you to believe in. Then there is the actual reality. Where you're a decent fucking person and you can see through their fabricated lies. You have to know with everything you have. Their life and reality is false.
Sasha Vann I’ve been dealing with this with my ex. She made me feel so amazing and complete at first just so she could take it all away and break me down. You’re not alone in this painful experience.
I cried for two weeks straight and mourned the death of my husband marriage and that was then I fully realized that it was all over Now it’s all about healing and moving forward
I've just broken up with a narcissistic person who towards the end of the relationship became not only mentally but physically abusive. Everything supposedly was my fault. Seeing your videos coupled with other videos on the same topic gave me the strength to leave. Thank you so much
The emotional pain of unresolved issues because the narcissist never apologizes or admits to any wrong doing. The deep pain of hurtful damaging words, accusations and assumptions run very deep
Yes! But only to the extent you believe them to be true. Listen to yourself and speak kindly to yourself when you catch yourself going down that road. Blessings😘
@@diannamichaels94 I believed them because I was raised by one. Children hear and believe what their parents tell them, about others and about themselves. I believed that I was the horrible, selfish daughter that my narc mother always accused me of, among other horrible words and treatment. I am now gloriously free from all those lies. No more contact!
CG-I noticed that they never apologies .Sometimes I wish we could just sit and talk ,I would explain or apologize for everything they think that I have don. ,But that is part of it .I am not sure I ever did anything to hurt them and if I did why not talk it through.Why just be mean to someone your supposed to care about? But never could figure out the reason for the meanness???????
This man is absolutely correct! I’ve been no contact with my ex narcissist for 9 months! Married for 34 years. It’s crazy, my knees and back no longer hurt! PTSD and anxiety are subsiding! I no longer have a need for alcohol! I’m remembering who I am! I’ll know when I’m healed when I can read my handwriting again!
Oh joy!!! I too had a 34 year marriage, and after no contact - I also experienced no longer having panic attacks, and also slowly remembering an identity I had before I married. I'm so thrilled to read your post and celebrate another "deliverance" !! Warm wishes to you
I’m needing to get out of my 34 year hell. But how? He controls all the money and me! I’m starting to stand my ground and it’s getting ugly as he’s not liking it.
Trying to Survive I wish you the best! I just walked away after I found out about her special friend! Left everything, I figured I have 5 maybe 10 good years left and I’m going to live those years happy and if alone so be it!
@@tryingtosurvive786 Keep plugging forward. Do something for yourself and your future (without him) every day. Take college classes --- people of ALL ages and backgrounds attend college. Don't listen to your narc when he says something negative or tries to convince you that you can't live without him. You CAN! ♥
@@annhoopes9262 Every Christmas...Every Birthday...was cause for Narc. rage. And afterwards, we'd be blamed for ruining the day. Every time. As people here keep saying, unless you've lived it, you have no idea...
I feel like I betrayed myself, so now the work I have to do is...remember who I am...lovable, worthy,valuable.Then, share this with like minded people. GAME ON!!...❤
I have observed that many people tolerate high levels of emotional abuse and pain because that is all they know and so they assume that it is normal or at least acceptable. Many people have been socially conditioned to be overly tolerant, forgiving, and submissive within particular relationships. They allow themselves to be assigned lower ranking positions within their social structures than is necessary or healthy. Often they are led to falsely believe that there might be some vaguely defined benefit or reward for cooperating. Free-spirited individuals who refuse to play those games are often subjected to the degradation of unflattering labels and/or accusations, gossip, etc. Regardless, some persistently maintain the philosophy that it is of prime importance to remain true to oneself first, whatever the consequences. And clearly the goal of narcissists is to take control of others, mind, body, and spirit -- which I think most would agree is intrinsically evil. Essentially it is a problem of morality and doing the right thing for yourself as much as toward others. In other words, realizing the truth that you are worth far more than the narcissist would have you believe; that is, embracing egalitarianism while rejecting tyranny.
Spot on assessment. Guilty as charged. Had no idea what I was going through, until the bitter end, when I started researching, and realized that I was oblivious for way too long.
Bravo !!!! BRAVICIMO !!!!.... My motto / religion / & Creed after seeing Now how 45 years CAN Indeed go fully to others; And in Finding Me when I DIDN'T even KNOW I was Lost..... " ......do no harm & take no s#it..." I'm #1 Always AND I Decide if you can play or NOT 👍✌🙋😀 ... a lesson EXCEPTIONALLY well learned 😗😏😕😟......👣
My sister stalked me on social media, she would be constantly saying things to put me down under my posts. So I did the same to her, she blocked me, now peace at last.
I’ve been neglecting my feelings for a long time. My family began to notice that not only am I not happy anymore, but I don’t even get upset or cry anymore. Something about those questions hit home, spoke directly to me, and my tears were drawn out from deep inside. I’ve forced myself to forget bad things so that I can keep going. My cup was overflowing. I just couldn’t take anymore. My life was stolen. I do deserve peace, and I’m seeking a healthier lifestyle away from the one who is causing me pain. I did move out, but it’s time to cut the strings attached. Thank you
I was married to a narcissist for 28 years. It was horrible. He took my young life. It has been 40+ yrs .... now 68.... and I am still dealing. I would recommend you have a support person. If you don’t it will be as bad or worse. I left my husband and moved to be close to my family and it was just as bad. ... they are all narcissists. I don’t deal with the pain from my ex but now dealing with the pain my family has caused me. That was the most hurtful. I pray you are able to escape and have some support. I never had any. God bless you.
33yrs ..found outvso much at once 😔 long mourning period of heartache...its the toughest thing i have gone threw....gb n hang in there if i found the strength in my health condition...you can do it too...gbu
Narcissists are selfish, uncaring, and arrogant, little different from a predator, because they are predators, in every sense of the word. They hunt, stalk, move in for the kill, sink their teeth into you, use you, feast on you, and then when they have their fill, they walk away satisfied, licking their chops like nothing happened to you, leaving you full of holes and in pieces. Solution? Be invisible to predators by being larger inside than they are inside, because on the inside is where the battle for life is fought.
bluenetmarketing.... The way they just discard you like rubbish and like you never existed would have to be one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't think I'll ever love again and I am happy to be a Child of God.. I want nothing ever again from this damaged world only GOD!
I agree with the others, great description of a narc as predator. So true. I also agree with Dr. Carter that this pain of awareness is what we need to act on our issues that allowed us to stay in these relationships to begin with. I stayed way longer than a healthier person would've. I've been gratefully working on those family of origin issues for a long time. It took me 12 years after I left my ex to come across this npd info and have the aha moment. It was a very painful but so needed wake up call. I was still too naive at the age of 50 about other people and needed to stop with my childish idea that everybody thinks the way I do. They don't. I'm grateful for the pain that woke me up to the realities of life. It was much needed. So now I can keep an eye out for cluster B's. God love them but their nothing but trouble where ever you have to interact with them. I have 2 at work I have to deal with everyday. They are energy vampires. However at the time of great pain I'm not that grateful.
That the narc delights in his partner's heartbreak, anguish & pain, has been most difficult to comprehend. After years of study I intellectually accept it, but its a challenge to wrap my head around. This video is helpful. Thank you for posting Dr Carter.
Kay Spence .. I hate to say it but after being married 18 years it took me a good 6 years to really move forward from the evil that my ex unleashed on me - betrayal, pain, deceit, adultery, abuse of every kind, torment and cruelty. Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing he was not like that before we married (otherwise I wouldn't have married him) because his "mask" was on way too tight to slip, however, towards the "end of our marriage (unbeknowns to me I thought life's not perfect and we'd always weather any storm that came our way) when the mask "was ripped off" it was pure evil indeed and THAT is what took me 6 years to overcome. I found Christ and I am now healed .. thank you God for saving me from so much despair and pain.. I have become the woman GOD wanted me to always be - strong, capable and independent (but very loving still)...
Hi Kay, look up also Zoe on 'live abuse free '. She has also very good tipps. I find her video about meeting narcisstists at thanksgiving or Christmas very helpful. ua-cam.com/video/wAefPVovuwM/v-deo.html
@Snow Flakes 1 thing I totally disagree with:Trump is absolutely NOT a narcissist!! He is working his ass off to help the Americans to have a better live and to fight the evil and sex/child trafficking!! He did not have to do this as narcissists only care about their own lives and do not care about other lives and have no empathy! President Trump could have easily spent his life enjoying playing golf as a 74 year old gentleman, but he chose to fight for The American people and the world! If you would have done some reserch the you would have discovered that President Trump genuinely is a good man and he has done a lot for people in need ! He did not need to do this enormous challenging job and if you listen to what Liz Crokin has to say about him what he has done for all kinds of people the you would not say that President Trump is a n...President Trump really deserves some RESPECT as the media has relentlessly portrayed him as bad and n person, but you have to understsnd that he speakes in code words to mislead the deep state/democrats/cabal and people do not get this!!
I’ve been married for 44 years. And I’m so tired. So many people in my life were narcissists too. I am disabled and have chronic pain and I can’t drive. He won’t leave. So I just try and stay away. I believe in myself and I need to take care of myself.
Hi Denise,O Your comment really moved me and I pray that God will bring you the comfort and strength that you deserve. I pray that your days will be filled with the happiness and true joy that you deserve. God is there for you remember that.
I sit back on my heels And I observe the scene before me wondering and learning from it I find sadly, I can no longer see you Because my focus is now on me As your actions have taught me, it should be For you have taught me the value of being my own person To be free To be the captain of my own ship Not a sailor on yours Seeing this new freedom unfold, with Endless possibilities Endless hope I thank you for what you have taught me It has been a valuable lesson Now, I can wish you well And having done so let you go Anne Davison
This is beautifully said and so true for many. Let's be strong and listen to our pain rather than bring it to them to fix. I love that Dr. Carter says we shouldn't expect the ones hurting us to fix us. That's so right on.
It's so painful when you tell the person "this hurts me, it's painful" and yet the person sees no reason to even consider thinking about changing the thing that causes pain and instead says,, "you need to work on yourself". Maybe we (I) do- away from this person.
Another great video. A narcissist will say, "you need me." They cause unbearable emotional and physical pain but will blame you for everything. Even when you listen to your pain it is hard to leave because they saddle you with fear and guilt. The good news is there will be relief when you can break away. You might have to give up a lot to get away, but it's worth it.
OMG MY MOTHER JUST SAID “you need me”. Then I distanced from her after thinking about that and all the mean “word curses” she always puts on me. Then I remembered that it was she who pushed me to marry my narcissistic cruel husband. I never realized my mom may be one until now. 😭. But it makes sense
I recently broke free of a Narcissistic TYRANT. I have no income now and it worries me, BUT.... after 30 YEARS of Physical, Mental, Psychological Abuse, I can BE ME !!
#4!!! If you treated me differently, if you'd stop lying, if you'd act with honor, we could have a happy marriage. Anyone reading this who relates: Being miserable is enough reason to leave. They don't need to hit you to do great harm. If your religion wants you to stay, even though everything in you says to flee, please leave both the narcissist and the religion. Thank you, Dr. Carter. Excellent video.
Thank you Dr. C.... the one thing that resonated with me the most in this message is; “ You were made for none of that”. All that was said was good and beneficial but, those words stood out and were exactly what I needed to hear today. I was not made for a life with a narcissist. I was made to be loved, cherished, respected, honored, and adored. I was made for a life of peace and civil cooperation. May God bless you Dr. C. ❤️
How refreshing to have someone who speaks to you in language we can all understand and with kindness and caring.Thankyou because I was feeling very lost and confused and scared and this has helped.
My mantra to my Mother a couple of years back when I FINALLY spoke up were "There is nothing WRONG with me!" and "I deserve better!" Yes, selfishness and self-centeredness are not Godly and I want no part of it. Dr. Carter, I wish I could work with you personally for the final healing. This one really hit 🎯 the mark. I AM listening. Thank you 🙏 (I sobbed after this one) ☮️
I do know what you mean. I left my narc to only find one at work (H.R.) to replace him. I want to quit but I am so afraid to. I have PTSD from so many of my jobs dealing with narcs. I am in treatment for MDD and PTSD from my jobs. I can even join the #MeToo movement from 2 jobs I have had. The narcs always seem to find me where ever I live.
@Tristan Rey Excuse me? God is not my problem. I love nature and God. Trauma from abusive others has been problem and it's good to get some answers from EXPERTS like Dr. C 👍 I could have easily said the behavior was inhumane rather than ungodly, but what's the damn difference?
This is so obvious.....but it took me a mother first, a husband second, which caused me to withdraw from relationships in my 30’s. Then thirty-five years later I got a great friend......NO! Another narcissist! Impossible I thought when he disposed of me......after 70 years I figured it out! They keep coming into your life no matter how much time you take off from relationships until you figure out what is attracting them to you, and fix yourself. I am finally narcissist free! I wish I had had the wonderful videos you make to shorten the understanding of what was going on. But, when your childhood starts off dysfunctional, you grow up thinking that is normal.
That's what made me realise I had to fix myself, (rather God fixed me,) but I had no idea!! I was like what are the chances, aaanother one!! We keep having the same types of experiences until we learn. Sometimes I was like 'what is it I have to learn?' The answer was inside myself, I had to change, I am a work in progress!
I understand what you are saying but I don’t think they are attracted to you. There are just so many of them out there to begin with. And narcissists produce more narcissistic children. Not all will be but some might.
My history is very similar. And I agree with what you’re saying. When I get out of this marriage i see myself happy by myself . At least I won’t feel lonely anymore. The way I do now- being and feeling lonely in a marriage is worse than living alone with hope.
June Rittmeyer I am 75 and still learning too! We are Slow learners! I am considerate and fail to notice the lack of consideration on the other person. I do believe I am getting smarter though!
I wish I would have known about this disorder 40 years ago, I would have had a happier life. As an empath, it would have saved me four decades of stress and the constant need to defend myself and try to convince those types that I’m not who they accused me of and that I’m not that person. When I first started hearing about this here on UA-cam, the lights went on and I thought that is exactly what I have been dealing with with those people. I never could find the words to describe the abuse. It was such a relief to know that it was not me, like the would say, but them. Thank you!
I can so much relate to this, Jane Doe. While we can't go back and do it over, at least we can do our best to pass the information to younger people who need it.
I went no contact with my mom two months ago, and i saw her for a split second by accident today --- and had a complete panic attack and cried. I'm always somewhere between grief and rage at her, and pure hurt because the little girl inside me still has a grain of hope that I can have a loving mother. But the adult in me knows that it won't happen or it won't last because my mother lacks empathy. And I have no doubt, her crocodile tears aside, that my mother secretly LOVES that i'm this hurt over her, because she loves that power. I wish my father could see it but he doesn't want to. I wanted him to protect me, but he never protected me from her, because he deluded himself into believing she was a good person. I wish he could see her for who she is and get his own healing.
I hear you and I also know that the hope will keep us trying. Don’t hope, they can’t and won’t become authentic and they have nothing to give to us or anyone else. I’m so sorry for your hurting.
Being emotionally engaged with a narcissist is like dealing with a high interest credit card company. The more you carry them emotionally the higher the debt rises until bankruptcy is the only recourse. The truth is the only path out and up. Thank you Dr. Carter.
towards the end of the marriage I had nightmares of digging large holes and filling them up with dirt repeatedly I worked all day every day and many times till bedtime…the more I did the more i had to do, he would create more work for me…I couldn’t even rest at night in my sleep due to the nightmares.
As much as the emotional pain I went through was so so so very painful and I would never wish for me or anyone to go through it , I MUST SAY today 3 and a half years later , it drove me closer to God. I was so enamored by one phrase in scripture :. Be Still ,and know that I am God ( vengeance is Mine ,sayeth the Lord ). I stuck by that only. I went completely NO CONTACT. And today , I thank God for engineering the discard , the lies , the slander , the scandalizing...... Today , I'm alone but NOT LONELY !!! The PEACE , FREEDOM and ' space ' that I enjoy is immeasurable , is indescribable !!! No more toxicity ! O My dear Father in heaven , THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. All Glory be to Him. Amen.
What if... We can Reflect the Divine Nature, as expressed in “2Peter, Ch.1,” and PRAY for them continually. They have a Spirit also, & their Temporal Selves, have Demons & invisible Chains about their necks...Leading them on a Path to Hell! I feel like “We, can Focus & DO GOD’s WORK.” I was really sick, when my EX quit paying Alimony... It took me months to feel better, & I finally got on-line to print-out Court Papers; then, I Decided to PRAY & ASK, W-H-Y, he wasn’t paying Alimony... The Holy Spirit, impressed upon me, that he was going to Die. I prayed Daily, Several times per Day, on my Knees, for weeks. I had NO Contact for years, nor his Family. His Spirit came to me, before he died, & I prayed some More for Him... I Encouraged him to Repent, & Gave him Love... And I believe, that he Did Repent! So, my Misery, in having been Married to him... May have HELPED to save him from a Literal Eternal HELL! “What IF - Having a Narc in our LIFE, is ‘A Calling’ that we Volunteered For?” 🙏🏻💕🕊🍃
The emotional pain is within us, stuffed from childhood. The narcisisst is a messenger. Maybe Dr. C. will show us how to listen that pain - to follow it like a golden thread, to heal our initial programming. Hoping I make it out to the other side, think Gus is there.
It can be a hard concept to wrap your head around if you were traumatized as a young child by a parent, and then continued in adulthood with a partner who is a narcissist. Believing that you are truly worthy to find that better life for yourself is a big hurdle and the first step, and foreign concept for some to even believe possible or visualize.
@@floridagirl6686 yess, I hear you. It is our first step and it's big! God will meet us where we're at- no matter where that is. I had lost my faith, but when I wanted to die from the pain of all of this-God was there. It's one day at a time, with toxic lonlieness and the trauma bond. God is our peace and understands through it all, for that I am grateful. I am in solitude rn. Believe that life can be beautiful and nurture that belief of healing. peace, and love to you, sis.🌻
@@floridagirl6686 yes that happened to me, I did get a good 2nd husband but my adult kids turned out just like their narcisstic Dad. I have to distance from these kids for my own sanity.
I told my AH Narcissist yesterday, "We aren't even friends anymore!" He looked at me shocked as if he was living in an alternate reality. He barely talks to me, unless he wants something. Then after work & weekends we go our separate ways. It's sad. I am lonely. My pain is telling me that this person does not know how to be a husband & I can't fix him!
I get it, and please remember that it is NOT you. It is him. A NARC is unable to love us the way we deserve to be loved. We never thrive with a NARC, we just exist. I wish you peace, love, and joy.
I was married to one for 8 years. He Love Bombed me before marriage and later was incapable of showing love. He was so selfish. He would rather help a stranger than his own family. After I left, he became a HOARDER and never did get his life in order. He passed last year a lonely man. I sorta felt sorry for him, yet was soo GLAD I got out years ago!.. A NARCISSIST never changes to suit you, they are in it for themselves and will destroy your life!!😱😱
Withholding love as a way to control. Excruciating to live through! Maybe you can find ways to get love somewhere else to build some warmth in your bones! And that doesn't mean romantic... Even just being around dogs or people who share a hobby or helping some (kind) elderly person or focusing children without bringing them into it? None of it fixes it but it can bring some relief to help you think!
The pain a narcistic sibling causes lasts forever. Very difficult to move on after years of abuse and lies and assenation of character when they are the one with the cruel warped personality .My 4 siblings all narcisists would never do the right thing in life and do not no the meaning of being fair .kind or giving .all take .They have stolen my inheritance as my mother recently passed .somehow years ago the leader of the narcisists managed to persuade my mother to change her will .they all went along with it .I 've been the best daughter for 55 yrs and have spent the most time with her .it's hard to except how low these 4 individuals are .theve been like a pack of animals .true bullys .I'm happy to stand alone. I like myself and won't change to fit into what they want me to be .I'm free at last as no contact .that's me done with them .I'm ashamed .embarrassed by them all .
Oh my, this is my story as well. Also had narc husband who has smeared me to two of children and most relatives. My best to you . I just discovered Dr Carter and Dr Ramani and am trying to process and work thru the pain. It helps to have the words and know I'm not alone, but I am 75 and hard to deal with lifetime of narcs and feeling so duped, but hopefully can find joy and move forward. Bless the truth tellers and empathy and scapegoats! And the wonderful educators.
This isn't talked about enough. It's usually the narcissist parent or spouse being discussed. Siblings can often get you alone to abuse, and they usually live longer than the parent. You can't divorce them, but you can try to go no contact. However, they may continue to be in touch with all your relatives throughout your lifetime. It is extremely painful and can remain a major element throughout your entire life.
" Are you making the narcissist in charge of making your emotional pain go away?" resonated with me. This channel has provided me with the skills to cope with a narcissistic person.
I've been married to a narc for 45 years and just realized what was wrong with him. Almost divorced 20 years ago and had I known then what I know now I would be free of him. Won't save money, won't discuss finances and 62 years old with no retirement. Acts like I'm his mother trying to tell him what to do and I'm trying to help him. I'm done. I feel guilty sometimes because I've started talking to him like he talks to me then I think I learned from the best. He lies all the time. I'm sick of it. There are no conversations between us anymore.
Nana820able, Get out. Take the last 20 plus years you have and find a 55 plus house,trailer, apartment and live in peace. I have a dog and a cat and me. Own my home and I have peace, not anything more then what is needed.
Just keep watching Dr. C. Maybe add Ross Rosenberg to your watch list, he’s also about self love. Dr. C. And Dr Ramani will show you how the misery they inflict is their preferred sport. They cannot will not change. I’m also 62, after decades of banging my head on the same wall, I have the divorce in progress. I can finally breathe again, finally make friends again, finally not worry about what the narc thinks. My health is improving. Even during this Covid isolation, and we are still under the same roof, I feel freer. It takes a few months to get your head around this, but I know you can do it. ( or you wouldn’t be watching this.)
I was just so lucky to find you on this site & recognize narcissistic tendencies in a man I was dating. Also I had lost my husband to cancer after a long happy marriage so I knew what a good relationship should be. This man’s controlling personality was making me painfully unhappy so I got out of the relationship sooner rather than later. Thank you Dr C.
The Spirit of God can Heal our Mind, Heart, and Soul, He will be our Teacher, and Comforter, Forever, in the Bible book of John, chapter 14, verse 26...
Yes! When you believe what he said. "The Kingdom is *in you*" that's more POWERFUL than most even realize. "Take every thought captive" and peace that surpasses all understanding is yours. Still water restore your soul❤
Cries for two years everyday. I thought I would literally die from a broken heart when my Narc left me. Beginning in 2017 and still haven’t healed in 2021! God is working it all for my good! But I’m tired of hurting.
So compassionate. Especially when you’re pain is constantly invalidated .. you’re too sensitive etc. Self preservation and love the only way out. Thank you.
Wow.. Dr. C, your understanding, experience and empathy is so cathartic. Too many professionals have no comprehension of these things and in fact don't even believe us and will treat us like our grief makes us the defective "mentally ill" ones rather than our abusers, and that is not ok. God bless you for being a rare exception!
@@treasuredaniela.5707I say Amen to that. If not I would of thought I was going mad and probably acted alot differently without having the awareness. And people around me dont understand me when I try to explain it either, tbh honest Im confused and overwelmed by it too, and when I try explaining how it seems and feels like to be narcissticly abused, and their replys would have only made things worse by being unsupportive or not understanding. But everyone here seems to know how it feels and what Im talking about without even too much explaining :D. Like even moreso I see my story in nearly every ytube video I watch! And most peoples experience so similar generally how the narc plays their mindgames etc and the afteraffect to one degree or lesser or more. But unfortunately well intentioned uninformed people say stuff like "it was only a breakup" "get over it" or " see a shrink" - because the experience and how overwhelmed you feel makes no sense to them, when they try to compare it to their own "normal" scenario's etc. So it was a blessing that I spoke to a lady I once met who ran a workshop, whom directed me into researching it, and vualla, I found my story here, and supportive people who get it. Obviously its not enough to help alone recovery, but knowing your not alone and can be understood has absolutely been one of the best support and eye openers in helping myself. So although we take it for granted but these ytubers that put it out there by tackling and breaking it all down and spreading the word helps so much and probably dont know how many lives they helped and saved just by spreading this information! Many blessings to you and healing journey 💕.
@@leahc8347 You are so correct. It feels great to hear someone talk about the abuse that took place. There were no visible bruises. No proof. WE were the crazy ones. WE were mentally drained and exhausted. My body became numb, my heart became numb. It got to the point where my body said...enough...no more...as a coping mechanism. I finally quit talking to my friends. They just DID NOT GET IT!!!! Their advice was . ...well, when he says that ... then maybe your reply should be (blah, blahs, blah). They just didn't get it. Watch Michele Nieves videos. She is really good, also. Good luck to you.
If a person starts a conversation immediately talking about themselves and with no interest of concern with what you have to say, or your situation, your Narcissist spider sense should be tingling. "You aren't going to believe what is happening to me now ......." Without even a hello. Red flag. Time to disassociate with those deluded self-important types.
@selfatrophy , Ha-ha! There is a person in my "friend" group on FB who constantly posts her vacation shots. She's continually on vacation, usually where ever she can get a free meal and overnight. Have a house in Lake Tahoe? She's your BEST friend! In the pictures, she's usually wearing bright red. Someone wrote: You sure do wear a lot of red. Her answer? "That's so that people can spot me better." I'm not kidding. I couldn't make this up!
I learn so much from your post,thank you spider wrestler. I will watch and learn. I also will not start a conversation about me ever again. I don't want people to think I'm a narc.
So what you're saying is if a person wants to talk about their life lessons and the experiences that brought some awareness to them and wants to share that, you see red flags?
He did cause me a great amount of pain as I always felt neglected by him. Never felt important, never felt priority. Always felt lonely and disconnected in his presence. Almost invisible at times. I didn't want to listen to my pain, but thought I would love him more. He couldn't love me, couldn't accept me for who I am, couldn't just be real and honest. His selfabsorbedness made it impossible. What a miserable old grinch he is.
I just left my narcisstic boyfriend today! I am very sick with chest conjestion, waiting on my Covid 19 test to come back, with a fever. I have been tormented for over a year and a half now. Of course he denys any wrong doing, it was ALL me! I am living out on this pandemic, with my cat, in the car!
I have been working on that emotional pain after I ended the relationship with my covert narcissist ex partner. It sounds strange but I have to thank her actually. If this didn't happen, probably at this moment in my life (I am almost mid 40's), I would have made the same mistakes in a new relationship in the future. I have worked on my innerself and that was necessary. It feels so much better now. I am enough and I am worthy.
in the same boat. didn't want to date when i met them. Was overwhelmed by all the attention. Didn't know how to handle it. I kept telling them they are putting me on a pedestal. Everyone disappoints people they love, sometimes.
Mid 40s, end of a second marriage and I totally resonate. I feel no regrets to wake up to myself. The blame game is over, all the projection and foisting seen through, but not without arduous, at times insane periods of learning about myself in the mirror of narcissism. This need to be respected, to be validated has had me entangled in what I now see is a 'supply trap.' listening to the emotional pain of a lifetime in each crazy making moment has led the way to relationship...to myself. With this, giving away my own power and responsibility dissolves by itself. I am ready to walk away now without a shred of doubt or regret.
13 years of consistent AGONIZING gaslighting misrepresentations projection smear campaigning child alienation exploitation devaluing discarding triangulation etc and in TWO weeks with following Doctor Carter I have come BACK to center !!!! I Thank GOD for you Dr. C.
I would always say to MLH (my loving husband) when he was pontificating to me, “You really hate me, don’t you?” Oh! If I only knew then what I know now!
It took a long long time to accept that the narcissist I had spent most of my life with was "An angel in disguise" meaning that his horrible treatment of me, woke me up. I have always thought that if he had in the discard phase, just disappeared ,it would have been the best thing. But had he not laid tremendous blows on to me I would still be feeling the glassy eyed feelings of love I felt and believed that he( falsely) felt for me. He came out of the closet as evil to a degree that is unfathomable.The truth sets you free and it is a hard truth to face. The truth is that he is incapable of love. I am now grateful to know that truth.
I’ve been stuck in agony and anger since I first found out that I was traumatized horrifically by many narcissists. That was about not even three years ago. I can’t find my way out of the situation so what I do is mainly distract myself from the pain. I need to address these feelings I believe but 58 years of agony is too much for me to bear. I hope this video can help.
christar 95 I feel your pain. I've been tormented by my narc for over 40 years. I finally went no contact 6 months ago and have never been so free! In the course of my relationship with this narc, I didn't even know about narcissism, and I really did believe that I was responsible for all the issues. Narcs are really good at making you believe that they're perfect and all the problems are your fault. The good news is, once you learn about narcissism, and realize that you're not all the horrible things they've been telling you, you can begin to heal! The best thing you can do, if it's possible is walk away. It takes a lot of guts, but you will be empowered and set free if you take that step. Wishing you all the best and most of all, healing and freedom!!
@@CG-bt7oc what if your environment and people from the job that you've been working has been plotted against you,saying lies ,bad fake things about you and your personality? How do you cope with such big amount of malevolence? Who can stop such ignorant people from further interference and spreading lies?Most of them belongs to immoral greedy society..that is what highly skilled narcissist can do ,it is a shame how people can be so naive to trust them.Every person is known for his deeds, so its not hard to detect who is who.
@@vesnadjordjevic28 no one can stop an arrogant and evil person. If you know that the accusations against you are false, then hold your chin up. Better yet, I'd you are able to, move on and get another job.
I told him "actually you taught me how to recognize and stay away from people like you" he says " well you should be grateful for me" he's always a hero in his mind.
We become confused because we have been brainwashed. Listening to you Dr. Carter helps so much. Thank you for your kind , non judgmental and helpful lessons. God bless you for this.
I really appreciate when referring to narcissists you always say "he or she", or "they", instead of "he", as do many counselors and psychologists. Though initially small, and seemingly petty, this can give off the impression that women can't be narcissists, and nothing can be further from the truth. Many female narcissists have inflicted an equal amount of physical, mental, emotional & psychological pain as their male counterparts. Let's not forget that fact! Dr., you do an excellent job of that by referring to both genders in your videos. Keep up the good work. 👍👍
Fully support you with what you’ve expressed. Narcissism is rooted in oppressive power and control. It’s gender, class, age, race agnostic. If you’ve personally experienced a narcissist in your life, I’m so sorry. I wish you healing
When I googled - Can women be narcissist I was shocked to see the results - because I did not know they could be as society made it seem that it was only MEN that had this flaw. I was glad to find this information.
@@Davo667 Yes sir, as Namita said above, NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) knows no gender, class, age, race, etc. It makes sense when you consider narcissism many times, if not most of the time, is developed in one's childhood years. The narcissists we deal with today, as little children were once victims of verbal, physical, emotional and psychological abuse from their abusive parents/caretakers. Sometimes both! The result? The abused become abusers. You may have heard it this way, "hurt people, hurt people". Boys and girls exposed to that type of destructive and toxic upbringing, will grow to become the men and women they hated to see as a child. It's truly a vicious cycle. Their violent upbringing doesn't justify their actions today, it only helps explain why... 😔🥺😢
Women can be just as bad as men. Anyone who doesn't think so just doesn't know many women. And blessed by that perhaps?! I'm guilty of sometimes saying he, not cuz' I think men are only ones ~ just cuz' ine is a he & it sometimes slips out that way. I'll try to be more aware now...
Thank you for the insight into how the narcissist creates pain in a relationship. Somehow I felt like the pain I was feeling was my own weakness, but eventually it did lead me to break the bond, but I first needed to get angry at the narcissist.
When I was little I remember asking my dad “why do we have to get sick?”. His answer was “If we never got sick, we wouldn’t appreciate when we feel good”. It made sense to my little mind then and still does.
Making a narcisistic evil abuser responsible for taking my pain awsy from me is insanity. We must take full responsibility for our lives and remove ourselves from toxic abusive people and places. We have to start loving and respecting ourselves. Thank you dr Carter for this extremely supportive message❤ God bless you❤
Hi Dr.C, there's the pain of their unfairness, need for revenge, isolation of you, triangulation, projection, their manipulationships lol manipulate/relationships, co dependency, deflection, invalidation and shifts blame.Take care and thanks.
I almost committed suicide when I was six because of my grandfather and mother's narc abuse and my father's physical abuse. I was a good kid, I did whole family s dishes and many housework daily, I took care of myself, never got them in trouble. After continuously living with narc for almost 20 years from my 20th, I moved out and away from my parents, mainly my narc +borderline mother. I was there for her everyday and tried to satisfy her and hoped she would stop her crazy behaviors. The last straw was when she told me to get out of her house again after I used all my savings plus some retirement contributions and paid off a big chunk of her mortgages. We live in SoCal and houses here aren't cheap. I tried to communicate with her that her behaviour almost killed me when I was 6 and she said it was normal I wanted to kill myself when I was 6. After I heard that response, I knew I could call her evil. Now for the first time I'm able to live by myself, physically away from the abuser tho I still need to help with her bills, mails, insurances, house termites,her car issues etc like in the past. It is almost a year now, she recently really tries to make my dad to tell me to go home because she wants to see me. Lol. Now I know better, after seeing psychiatrists and videos here, I know my life is no longer about her. It is going to be about me, who I want to be and how I want my life to be. The recovering process is painful and long. But at least now I get to decide what I want to eat, when to eat and how to eat. I don't have to hear her calling me names and put me down 20 times a day.
H Hh.. That is so sad and I'm sorry you had to endure such hardship at a young age. May God give you strength to get back on your feet and may you find comfort in Him and other kind hearted people in the world. xxx God Bless and stay safe..
@@christinelawrence4315 Thank you for the kind words. I am still alive is only because of God. He gave me the strength to endure the days living with my mother from my 20th to 35th. For the 15 years, I was not happy and depressed everyday, my personality changed (I was raised by my grandparents, I lived with my mother less than 5years before my 20th), I closed up to everyone become an ultra introverted person. I had nightmares about my mother almost every night even after I moved out. But thank God ,He gives me strength everyday. I pray for the recovery. And pray I will have the strength and be strong enough to handle my mother in the future. I am the only child after all. My faith in God doesn't allow me to select an easier route to choose no-contact.
@@HHY-J316 God WILL answer your prayers for He is faithful and all enduring.. He will never forsake you XX Your healing will come in Christ Jesus AMEN xx
How does a person move on to a normal relationship after being a victim of these people. The choice to remain alone to protect myself is so lonely. I really want to share my life with a new happy person but I feel that will not happen at my age. (57) most men my age that are single have been hurt too. They don't want to be hurt again either. I just don't know. It's been 21 years. I just would like to be able to kayak with someone.
Have you looked into "Meetup" Groups? Meetup.com However, realize people are people and there are narcs everywhere you go. Listen to your heart, gut, and mind. Pay attention to those red-flags. Go slow and watch. I am so alone sometimes. I prefer my dogs and solitude. Still healing...
Don't start off by thinking you are too old or too damaged. And do think of the possibilities of all kinds of friendship, not necessarily a romantic partner. Make space for that to be a reality, and challenge yourself to pursue it. Search opportunities and groups in your local area first, become a regular in places you enjoy, and of course, nurture any healthy relationships you do have, focusing on your ability to make a contribution to others' lives first. God bless you.
With my sister,I've often said to her look if you're angry with me just say so which I now know makes it even worse its almost as if I know her better than she does,nothing ever gets talked about resolved understood
Thank you so much Dr. Les Carter..you have helped an empath not get emotionally sick from a narcissist and set some boundaries yet still have compassion.Thank you so much!
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you. My ex narc and my mother, would use the covert punishment tool of ‘the silent treatment’ to create and inflict emotional pain and suffering in me, by withdrawing their presence from my life dramatically, when I did something’wrong’ in their book, that I would then crave relief from. This would manipulate me into begging for their love, changing myself for them and walking on eggshells. All for crumbs of love and release from pain. They wanted to be the inflictor AND the antidote..it made them have a supply of a sense of superiority and power (when deep inside they feel the opposite) The TRUE antidote has been to separate from them and ALLOW and validate my PAIN. To not need escape from it. I say to myself ‘yeah it hurts and that’s normal. I love you and I’ve got you. I will love you and care for you’. Now the silent treatment has no power of pain Ownership of pain is my power. I am growing into such a self caring and empowered version of myself and I like me so much now. Love bombing is no longer my achillies heel because that hole of self love is now filled by me. Love bombing is a supply seeking tool of the broken, looking for a host to boost their ego by hooking them in. Attention doesn’t reflect true intention . Self love and discernment are now my tools Along with the ownership and validation (with no need of escape from) my pain. That candle burnt and caused pain for a reason.. To say WARNING.. do not stick finger in flame. The flashy love bombing of narcs was my flame. I am stoking my own inner fire of self care and self validation now.. 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My cure for the silent treatment. Put on some music a dance around, sing and at least appear to be delighted. Read and show them you appreciate thr silence....don't let it faze you externally and soon, it won't faze you internally
I did feel the pain from the narc abuse, but my thinking was there is something wrong with me, it's my fault, I deserve it, so I didn't like myself and blamed myself and thought if only I could fix me, I could fix him and us together... to no avail. I've been out of narc hell for four years and had to put a lot of time and effort in to learn to love, care and accept myself as I am.
Thanks Tammy. I so want you to understand that the pain was signaling that you needed the opposite of all that blame and shame. Live into peace. That's the message. Dr. C
You can definitely never say ‘ouch’ to a narcissist … even if they tell you that you can…after a fake apology, at best, they will take it personally, gaslight you & make sure you suffer more for even thinking they could possibly hurt your feelings … deeply damaged people who appear to be functional. Celebrating learning what they are all about and how to identify healthy people 🎉 Thank you, SO MUCH, Dr. c 🙏 Your heartfelt communication is precious ❤
My elderly ex has been into drugs all his life .... now at nearly 60 he is into mushrooms 🍄 & DMT ... his outlook on life is not real or normal he now mixes with a younger generation.. who are into this, he is an addict of weed, his whole life is drugs & £££ , he has zero respect for anyone or anything ..... I’m leaving him to his own path .... he was a nasty fowl mouthed, inconsistent nightmare , I am a mother to a beautiful 10 year old who he said he hated ... he lived here in my home for years for free didn’t contribute as he felt entitled.... Time to get on with my life & wait for him no more .... I’ve waited for him for 9 years he has just degenerated over that time into a selfish drug induced mess ! 🙄🙄🙄
Thank you for these videos, I walked away from my mom who is a horrible Narcissist toxic control freak, 4 years ago, and all my brothers and sister. She has acted as if I was the one hurting her and the poor little victim so she lies and I can't be around any of my family, But it has been a real education watching all of these different videos on how sick my mom is, I have moved and changed everything so that she can't find me....Yes its that bad and when ever I feel like I might go and call her I start watching more of these surviving Narcissism videos; or someone else on the same subject. I feel that If I didn't find these, that explained what was happening to me I might have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. Thats how cruel my mom is. I was beaten and abused very badly as a child bruises all over my back for no reason, two concussions as a child. My mom told me she hated me, and wished I was never born. But the other children were treated much better, I think that was part of the abuse, and the control if I was good enough maybe she would love me too. Words do cut to the very soul deep when you're a child and its your mommy saying ugly words.
Yes, I have learned to ignore my emotions to think rationally. The more I resist the pain and embrace truth the less I can be manipulated and have become stronger. I can see what people are doing but it has less of an effect on me than when I didn't understand what was happening. When we don't understand we tend to think we did something to cause the rage or rudeness in others. When we understand the evil that they are doing we know it's about them and really has nothing to do with my character. This is interesting because a person who worries if they did something wrong is one who cares deeply about acting righteously. These are the people who want to be good people. The narcissist doesn't care about acting righteously they only want to be superior others.
Gwendolyn Wehage I find that the more demanding, arrogant and impossible someone behaves, the weaker they actually are inside. Just keep walking past them and do all you can to avoid engaging with them.
But always trust your gut too! It's not always easy to access it, esp if one has suppressed it for years, but they say it never lies and can be very self-protective.
I think I am in that self preservation mode. I had a family of narcissist. A couple of friends and now a neighbour. I am 50 and not married due to that heavy scarring of narcissists and the damage they cause. I learnt to read people because of them. Forgiveness is a tool they think is a weakness. Little did they see it was my tool of shedding them out of my life.
Through all of this I have learned that I am responsible for how I treat others, but I am NOT responsible for how they feel. I cannot be manipulated anymore. My responsibility ends with me and yours begins with you. It's not my job to make you feel good, and it's not your job to make me feel good.
Doc Carter, this for me is one of the very best talks you’ve given, so thank you from the depths of my heart! I had been telling myself to recall the bad feelings in order to alleviate euphoric recall! Wow, this is powerful!
26 years of emotional abuse. I’ll be filing for divorce soon. Thank you for opening my eyes. Maybe in my second half of life I can finally find peace and happiness.
I promise you will find peace; happiness is up to you. I went 46 years and paid a very high price for leaving, but believe me: Freedom isn't free, but it is so worth it! Best wishes for your future, find yourself and keep safe.
I'm so grateful to you Dr. Carter, thank you for being committed to love and healing and health. You are a great guide and teacher, thank you for modeling authentic love, the healthy behavior that is so illusive to many of us. Thank you for bringing truth and clarity to people who are trapped in dysfunction. You're modeling the heart of the father and I'm forever grateful to have found your teaching. God bless you and your work.
I don't want to cause harm to him. I want to help others. I honestly feel it's too late for me sometimes. My logic and my emotions do not balance inside this relationship. But, I know i can help others . I have the know and the how, but struggle with the out. It's my personal struggles. It doesn't mean I can't help another find their way out. I know the way. Personally, inside myself, I still get lost. 24 years , I have been studying this type since 2010. Sam Valkin, Dr. Ramney, Dr. Carter , Quinn Holiday, and many others have been a blessing. I stated, researching myself, thinking I was crazy ,like my ex kept telling me. So I wanted to help myself . I just didn't know how much .
I just love your dog sleeping in the background - the perfect picture of peacefulness. To me, that says a lot about you; that you exude peacefulness in your surroundings. Peace is the most prized object on my wish list, but I am now at a point in my life where I simply do not have the strength to get up and fight for it. I think the worst thing my narc did to me was to let me fall in love with a masked man who never existed. My whole life was a lie. He also broke our kids in different ways (now adults and, thankfully, will never be parents - their choice). The worst part for me was complete and utter betrayal. I hate him, and I do not use the word 'hate' lightly. Thank you for your videos.
I get what you're saying. Hindsight is 20/20 and you can now see clearly what he kept hidden. I hope the lessons you are learning take you toward that peace. Dr. C
I know how low and gut wrenching angry and worthless you are feeling. He had me there for many, many years. The last 6 months of our marriage was the last 20+ years times 2 of Hell he drug me through. I do not claim innocence either. I finally had a NAME to his actions, behavior, treatment of me & our daughter. I could not quit learning about what he is (Malignant Narc/Sociopath) I was obsessed, reading, UA-cam, web sites, support groups. I had all the education and insight, present time, what he was doing to me. But I still could not stop myself from being putty right in his hands. I went thru the WORST devaluation, triangulation & discard he EVER put me thru. The hardest part to come to terms with for me is how twisted his perception is of me. He sees me as a manipulative low-life piece of trash that ruined his life. It is shocking how their perception is 110% wrong. It kills me that I couldn't prove to him that he had everything so wrong. It didnt help that his new supply was feeding and fueling the fire. SHE is the manipulative slut who was more than happy to be the shoulder for his poor, abused soul. It is still surreal how it all ended. I have to let it go, but when most of your life has been dedicated to a disordered husband, literally taking up all my mental energy & space, it's hard to retrain your brain. I was, and still am consumed by him. 25 years, turned his back on me like I was nothing. Divorce is not easy, either. He wants & believes I deserve nothing of our life we built for 20+ years. The pain of knowing he "thinks" he has found love in this woman and is so happy with her is too much to bear. When they both figure out how evil each other are, I cant wait for that day. She is a histrionic narc. Jezebel in the flesh.
@@pisces_chick2511 I know - I was married to my narc for 40 years; knew each other since teenagers. Long story how we met, but that was part of the bigger picture. Yes, he was cruel to me, especially at the end, and I thought I would die. I had other reasons to live, though. Anyway, don't put too much thought into your narc's new supply - that's all she is to him. She's taking on his persona right now in order to defend him, just as I'm sure you and I did with ours for many years. He gets off on that. I didn't hate my replacement - actually felt sorry for her knowing what's going to happen to her. My narc was/is a master in charming the socks off of people, so I never got into any contests with him that involved others so that I wouldn't look like the crazy person. Now I'm just a different kind of crazy: broken and dejected. But at least it's quiet. Good luck to you and your daughter.
@@BK-qp8zp I am so sorry for your pain & the hell he put you & your children through. It is all just so unfair. We also got together very young, 14 yrs old, both getting ready to start high school. It was the summer before our Freshman year when he hooked me and ever since I've been addicted to him worse than any drug known. I often wish I didnt have the heart & the conscience that I was cursed with. I truly see it that way. I want to trade him, just so he could see how much he devastated me. I sometimes think who I would be or how my life would've turned out if he never preyed on me? His home life was horrible & I'm not even talking about the pure dysfunction & abuse, that's a whole other story! His mother was evicted from so many places, no one would rent to her. Single mother w/ 3 kids, alcoholic, slut, histrionic narc (just like the new supply, imagine that?!) They moved on top of a hill in a 200 yr old farmhouse that didnt even have the workings in it for water, electric, phone, etc...it was 200 YEARS OLD! How could it? I still dont understand why the family, friends, community, didnt report her ass to CPS? You couldn't even drive up the driveway to get to the house. It was 3/4 mile straight UP! The cow path that was there had ruts that I could stand in! Me & my family were determined to give him love, support, any necessity that she didn't provide (which was almost everything) His dad was/is a narc, too. He paid minimal child support, lived with one woman to the next mooching off any sad story of a woman he could find. He cared less about his kids or what they needed. Just a mess. But he saw me (and my family) coming. I always use to joke that I thought my parents loved him more than they did me. Every last memory of every important, significant, horrible, amazing thing in my life, he was there. Drivers license? We took the class together, the driving hours, the driving test. We used my grandma's car to take the actual test. My parents moved him in with us as soon as he legally turned 18, but practically lived there anyways if we weren't at school. I cant just erase him. He was part of every stepping stone. So how can he erase me so easily? I hope he rots in hell, that is even too easy on him. So I understand your brokenness. He too has sucked every last good quality of mine. Stole my life force, my joy, my sanity, my faith, my past, present, future. And he has definitely ruined me for any other man. I have no hope or desire to love another man. It just sickens me to think of another man touching me or wanting sex. This anger & rage is too much to handle. I can't get a grip on it, yet it exhausts me every minute of everyday. Something has got to give. I do think of every soul these demons have broken. I can only imagine the people they pushed to suicide. I have been in that mindset, because of him, so many times. But that would only make his day & I have to be here for our daughter. He sure isn't. He has had nothing to do with her since she moved out when she was 16. Dead to him, because she knows who he really is. She hasn't been fooled by him since 7 yrs old. But of course that's my fault, as everything is, including his out of control alcohol addiction. Funny, he still drinks just as much as he ever did when I was in the picture. I hope you can find some peace & happiness, I truly do. We all deserve SO MUCH more than the pieces we are left with. Indifference is my goal...I NEED it if I'm ever going to have some sort of peace. If not, a lobotomy is next.
@@pisces_chick2511 Okay, I am not discounting anything you said. However, I almost snorted my drink out through my nose at your very last comment, as I have said the very same thing!! I would also like to tell you that, even with all the pain an empath feels, I would not trade places with my ex for anything. I would be horrified to be such a pathetic human being. I would rather be indifferent, just as you talked about, although that has its own pain. And, you're right about no more relationships - not even friends - too much work. Since a lobotomy seems out of the question, I prefer being a hermit. So this having to stay at home business is great for me! Then, when I do go out, everyone has to leave me alone. Probably better for everyone else, as well, due to my rage which always bubbles just under the surface. The total opposite of who I used to be. I'm hoping karma comes along and kicks his ass. Take care of yourself and thanks for writing to me.
They do throw crumbs to keep you in the loop when you look back you see it, pain is needed in life it shows your alive but as you say listen to your self don't kid yourself.
Yeppa! I thought the crumbs would turn to bread loaves , I tried to think it was a rough time for them, and with a tiny bit time then the respect would kick in. Never did.
yes they throw crumbs, my Nson calls on birthdays or Xmas but that is it, just ignores me the rest of the year. I text him but he puts no effort out at all. His Dad ignored me also, I have lived this before.
"... My healing will come as I remove myself from the person who is generating this pain; and I listen instead to my own yearning for peace." ❤️❤️ Thank you so much Dr. Carter. Your words are really giving me strength and hope especially at this quarantine time when the triggers are heightened. Thank you!
Brought to my mind this historical event : the Narcissistic people who sent the Lepers in Hawaii to a deserted colony to live away from All others ( even their family). Yes without pain, we have no balance, gratitude and self preservation. But sometimes the pain they give out is so extreme, especially when they hold some power over things too. But it teaches us:. I deserve respect. decency and goodness matters. I need to take a different path. I reject being controlled by another. I find selfish people toxic. Only I'm responsible for my emotional health (pleading). Where is my pain wanting to direct me? Balance, team healthy, self preservation. So really it's a gift. I really related to your 4th point. Thank you, you are a very good Therapist
I never thought I'd find so much comfort and solidarity on UA-cam regarding feeling acknowledged and validated. 😭
Glad this resonated! Thanks, Meghan. Dr. C
Yes.me too. Hugs.
I'm with ya. I'm finally healing. Dr. C explains things better than I ever could and it's always spot-on. Affirmation is priceless.
Yep ! Same with me !
Same with me ! I have gotten a lot from watching his vids !
I asked my narcissist if he was ever happy. He replied, “no”. He didn’t ask me the same. No surprise there. Take your hand off the stove if you don’t want to get burned.
Yeah, I noticed early on he never asked me questions about myself. I thought that was really weird from like day 1.
well said.
Exactly. Cuz he already knew that you'll never be happy with him, he won't let you go either and this is all he wanted. It's like the stove has hands of its own holding our hands not letting go.
@@mellymellongisland ...author Gary zukov was on Oprah...he was talking to a woman who was healing from a marriage that ended...he talked about using our intuition...he asked her when did she notice that something did not seem right in the relationship...it's funny how looking back we knew it all along...early in the relationship...
I couldn’t breathe after having Covid and recently released from hospital at beginning of pandemic and had scorn heaped on me, a silent accusatory authoritarian narc father, a verbally aggressive usually covert narc mother over zoom because I didn’t support the malignant narc brother who attempted to push a visit on me by his daughter who wanted to learn English in my house. I am 59 and have gone no contact with all of them (actually father passed but I realised only a few months ago that the sister was a covert one as well. ). I can’t believe I waited so long with my hand on the stove but it was just too much to take - all four family members narcs. Father and sister were high powered top execs at multinationals. I should have figured they were ruthless.
I have been Hated for decades, lied to, Raged at, disrespected. Recent divorce and
I am at Peace . Thank you Dr Carter, you are very kind.
Whole Spirit I feel your pain. My divorce when through lady week. The past year and a half had been HELL for me financially, everything that can go wrong is and then some. BUT I am free of HIM. That is the best thing that ever happened to me to this day. I pray things get better for me in the future with God's help and intervention. Amen
My life is a drama free zone. Never tolerating manipulation like that again.
You’re so lucky
XGEN shocks. Good, you learned, some don't.
Amen!
I recently learned how much suffering That I was enduring in the relationship with a narcissistic person. I felt so sad and used.
Three times over the last 7 years I forgave and believed his charm/ lies/ bovine excrement......truly got to a point in Feb 2021 whilst looking at him laying in bed again and thought " what the hell am I doing with you". It took the third round with him ( 2 1/2 years) to finally see him, understand he was never going to change. Same shit, different me this time. I had to get him out of my home in April and its been hard but I feel so different this time. Blessings to you all. You'll all get there someday. It's 'effing hard...but the future is ours. I'm hurting but look back at all the abuse I endured because he made me feel guilty for not being enough.
" My healing will come as I remove Myself from the person who is generating this pain, And I Iisten instead, to my own yearning for peace." Peace is what you deserve. Thank you Dr. Thank you
A NARCISSIST will utterly destroy your self worth! They drain you emotionally and Financially!!!😱
That is the truth...
100% true
I'm sorry sadly this I know.
I replied earlier, but decided to add more. You will be drain emotionally and financially, that is true. But if you're able to separate your emotions from their reality. You are on your way to the beginning of many personal victories. There are two realities in play here. The reality narcy constructs and wants you to believe in. Then there is the actual reality. Where you're a decent fucking person and you can see through their fabricated lies. You have to know with everything you have. Their life and reality is false.
Agreement here.
Hearing “I deserve respect” seriously made me cry. It’s true and hurtful that someone was allowed by me to cross such boundaries.
Sasha Vann I’ve been dealing with this with my ex. She made me feel so amazing and complete at first just so she could take it all away and break me down.
You’re not alone in this painful experience.
"You disrespect me" ..."you offend my manhood"
Simply crazy... and we excused behaviors like this for so long because of wanting harmony and being forgiving... how tiring, this time I’m so done.
You give them basic human kindness and respect. They say "now I'll take a little of that confidence and dignity to boot".
@@JiuJitsuTrashcan exactly the same for me
The emotional pain can be so overwhelming that it may take years to get through it and heal.
R Dawson Yeah. A black eye goes away in a week or two. I’m going to remember the things said to me for the rest of my life.
@@stevenhoog1 Oh God, I do understand you so much...
I cried for two weeks straight and mourned the death of my husband marriage and that was then I fully realized that it was all over
Now it’s all about healing and moving forward
It has taken over 5 years for me w/o therapy, and I'm still healing.
Hélas !
I've just broken up with a narcissistic person who towards the end of the relationship became not only mentally but physically abusive. Everything supposedly was my fault. Seeing your videos coupled with other videos on the same topic gave me the strength to leave. Thank you so much
Carita, HOORAY!!! ❤
💝
So happy for you
God bless you take care always
So happy that you are stronger, then you thought you were. May God continue to bless you with strength, and happiness. You are enough.
"My healing will come as I remove myself from the one who is generating this pain, and as I listen instead for my own yearning for peace."
Yes n thanku!
clue: "YOU WERE MADE FOR NONE OF THIS" - Oh my God, i wanted to stand up and CHEER!!! thanks Dr. Carter!!
ME TOO my friend!
Oh YES!!!
@@trishk9322 When Dr C says that....it makes me tear up too!
@@trishk9322 peace to you today Trish. We all are trying to heal....and we will get there
Absolutely refreshing to hear these understanding words of wisdom.
The emotional pain of unresolved issues because the narcissist never apologizes or admits to any wrong doing. The deep pain of hurtful damaging words, accusations and assumptions run very deep
They are poor creatures, C G
Yes! But only to the extent you believe them to be true. Listen to yourself and speak kindly to yourself when you catch yourself going down that road. Blessings😘
@@diannamichaels94 I believed them because I was raised by one. Children hear and believe what their parents tell them, about others and about themselves. I believed that I was the horrible, selfish daughter that my narc mother always accused me of, among other horrible words and treatment. I am now gloriously free from all those lies. No more contact!
C G good for you! I know of what you speak! Long road but totally worth taking.
CG-I noticed that they never apologies .Sometimes I wish we could just sit and talk ,I would explain or apologize for everything they think that I have don. ,But that is part of it .I am not sure I ever did anything to hurt them and if I did why not talk it through.Why just be mean to someone your supposed to care about? But never could figure out the reason for the meanness???????
This man is absolutely correct! I’ve been no contact with my ex narcissist for 9 months! Married for 34 years. It’s crazy, my knees and back no longer hurt! PTSD and anxiety are subsiding! I no longer have a need for alcohol! I’m remembering who I am! I’ll know when I’m healed when I can read my handwriting again!
Keep on!💪
Oh joy!!! I too had a 34 year marriage, and after no contact - I also experienced no longer having panic attacks, and also slowly remembering an identity I had before I married. I'm so thrilled to read your post and celebrate another "deliverance" !! Warm wishes to you
I’m needing to get out of my 34 year hell. But how? He controls all the money and me! I’m starting to stand my ground and it’s getting ugly as he’s not liking it.
Trying to Survive I wish you the best! I just walked away after I found out about her special friend! Left everything, I figured I have 5 maybe 10 good years left and I’m going to live those years happy and if alone so be it!
@@tryingtosurvive786 Keep plugging forward. Do something for yourself and your future (without him) every day. Take college classes --- people of ALL ages and backgrounds attend college. Don't listen to your narc when he says something negative or tries to convince you that you can't live without him. You CAN! ♥
Shout out to my "parents made me cry on my birthday" crew, we're strong and we'll get through this. ♡
I cried on many birthdays becauae of my mother. I def know what it's like.
that’s precisely what happened to me. more than once. I’d always stored
it inside myself. It never once
occurred to me it has happened to
others.
And love and kisses to the beautiful aunty who gave me her last 50cents on my 13th bday. I will love that woman forever.
Birthdays and holidays were the worst.
@@annhoopes9262 Every Christmas...Every Birthday...was cause for Narc. rage. And afterwards, we'd be blamed for ruining the day. Every time. As people here keep saying, unless you've lived it, you have no idea...
I never thought a UA-cam video would leave me in a puddle of tears. Your validation, kindness, and encouragement are a healing balm.
The greatest mistake i ever made is to overlook my emotional pain I underwent through.
Richie Shive.. I hope that you are now on the road to recovery and healing xx
Same!
Same here.
I feel like I betrayed myself, so now the work I have to do is...remember who I am...lovable, worthy,valuable.Then, share this with like minded people. GAME ON!!...❤
Richie Shive Yes! Boy do understand what you're saying!
"They delight in keeping you in a state of upheaval" so true! Brilliantly said
Because....what else are they good at doing? Not much!
A state of constant confusion
They make you think YOU are the crazy one.
It’s their entertainment, doesn’t matter if you are their first born, they toy with you like a bored cat does with a mouse.
Yes, truer words were never spoken!
I have observed that many people tolerate high levels of emotional abuse and pain because that is all they know and so they assume that it is normal or at least acceptable. Many people have been socially conditioned to be overly tolerant, forgiving, and submissive within particular relationships. They allow themselves to be assigned lower ranking positions within their social structures than is necessary or healthy. Often they are led to falsely believe that there might be some vaguely defined benefit or reward for cooperating.
Free-spirited individuals who refuse to play those games are often subjected to the degradation of unflattering labels and/or accusations, gossip, etc. Regardless, some persistently maintain the philosophy that it is of prime importance to remain true to oneself first, whatever the consequences. And clearly the goal of narcissists is to take control of others, mind, body, and spirit -- which I think most would agree is intrinsically evil.
Essentially it is a problem of morality and doing the right thing for yourself as much as toward others. In other words, realizing the truth that you are worth far more than the narcissist would have you believe; that is, embracing egalitarianism while rejecting tyranny.
cloisterene wow! Brilliant observation and emotional solution🙌🏾
Spot on assessment. Guilty as charged. Had no idea what I was going through, until the bitter end, when I started researching, and realized that I was oblivious for way too long.
Quiet an insight. Thankyou
Thank-you that has been so helpful❤️
Bravo !!!! BRAVICIMO !!!!.... My motto / religion / & Creed after seeing Now how 45 years CAN Indeed go fully to others; And in Finding Me when I DIDN'T even KNOW I was Lost.....
" ......do no harm & take no s#it..."
I'm #1 Always AND I Decide if you can play or NOT 👍✌🙋😀
... a lesson EXCEPTIONALLY well learned 😗😏😕😟......👣
My sister stalked me on social media, she would be constantly saying things to put me down under my posts. So I did the same to her, she blocked me, now peace at last.
Perfect! A taste of the ole medicine. Good for you 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’ve been neglecting my feelings for a long time. My family began to notice that not only am I not happy anymore, but I don’t even get upset or cry anymore. Something about those questions hit home, spoke directly to me, and my tears were drawn out from deep inside. I’ve forced myself to forget bad things so that I can keep going. My cup was overflowing. I just couldn’t take anymore. My life was stolen. I do deserve peace, and I’m seeking a healthier lifestyle away from the one who is causing me pain. I did move out, but it’s time to cut the strings attached.
Thank you
My healing will come when I remove the abuser from my life.
C G .. YES AMEN ... and don't let the door hit them on the way out!! lol
Do it i promise you will end up with better peaceful life
I was married to a narcissist for 28 years. It was horrible. He took my young life. It has been 40+ yrs .... now 68.... and I am still dealing. I would recommend you have a support person. If you don’t it will be as bad or worse. I left my husband and moved to be close to my family and it was just as bad. ... they are all narcissists. I don’t deal with the pain from my ex but now dealing with the pain my family has caused me. That was the most hurtful. I pray you are able to escape and have some support. I never had any. God bless you.
33yrs ..found outvso much at once 😔 long mourning period of heartache...its the toughest thing i have gone threw....gb n hang in there if i found the strength in my health condition...you can do it too...gbu
Walk away ,, Grey Rock!,,,, you will be amazed how fast you’ll feel better !,,,
Narcissists are selfish, uncaring, and arrogant, little different from a predator, because they are predators, in every sense of the word. They hunt, stalk, move in for the kill, sink their teeth into you, use you, feast on you, and then when they have their fill, they walk away satisfied, licking their chops like nothing happened to you, leaving you full of holes and in pieces. Solution? Be invisible to predators by being larger inside than they are inside, because on the inside is where the battle for life is fought.
Nice description!
Eloquent beauty in your words and truth
bluenetmarketing.... The way they just discard you like rubbish and like you never existed would have to be one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't think I'll ever love again and I am happy to be a Child of God.. I want nothing ever again from this damaged world only GOD!
I agree with the others, great description of a narc as predator. So true. I also agree with Dr. Carter that this pain of awareness is what we need to act on our issues that allowed us to stay in these relationships to begin with. I stayed way longer than a healthier person would've. I've been gratefully working on those family of origin issues for a long time.
It took me 12 years after I left my ex to come across this npd info and have the aha moment. It was a very painful but so needed wake up call. I was still too naive at the age of 50 about other people and needed to stop with my childish idea that everybody thinks the way I do. They don't. I'm grateful for the pain that woke me up to the realities of life. It was much needed. So now I can keep an eye out for cluster B's. God love them but their nothing but trouble where ever you have to interact with them. I have 2 at work I have to deal with everyday. They are energy vampires.
However at the time of great pain I'm not that grateful.
@@brianwalsh1401 They truly are an inch deep and a mile wide. It covers a lot of deficiencies that we don't see at first, until it's too late.
That the narc delights in his partner's heartbreak, anguish & pain, has been most difficult to comprehend. After years of study I intellectually accept it, but its a challenge to wrap my head around. This video is helpful. Thank you for posting Dr Carter.
Kay Spence .. I hate to say it but after being married 18 years it took me a good 6 years to really move forward from the evil that my ex unleashed on me - betrayal, pain, deceit, adultery, abuse of every kind, torment and cruelty. Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing he was not like that before we married (otherwise I wouldn't have married him) because his "mask" was on way too tight to slip, however, towards the "end of our marriage (unbeknowns to me I thought life's not perfect and we'd always weather any storm that came our way) when the mask "was ripped off" it was pure evil indeed and THAT is what took me 6 years to overcome. I found Christ and I am now healed .. thank you God for saving me from so much despair and pain.. I have become the woman GOD wanted me to always be - strong, capable and independent (but very loving still)...
Emily Wheeler spot on Emily spot on its like we being mentally raped or a wore out mental hoar wore out and nothing to show for it
Hi Kay, look up also Zoe on 'live abuse free '. She has also very good tipps. I find her video about meeting narcisstists at thanksgiving or Christmas very helpful.
ua-cam.com/video/wAefPVovuwM/v-deo.html
@Snow Flakes 1 thing I totally disagree with:Trump is absolutely NOT a narcissist!! He is working his ass off to help the Americans to have a better live and to fight the evil and sex/child trafficking!! He did not have to do this as narcissists only care about their own lives and do not care about other lives and have no empathy! President Trump could have easily spent his life enjoying playing golf as a 74 year old gentleman, but he chose to fight for The American people and the world! If you would have done some reserch the you would have discovered that President Trump genuinely is a good man and he has done a lot for people in need ! He did not need to do this enormous challenging job and if you listen to what Liz Crokin has to say about him what he has done for all kinds of people the you would not say that President Trump is a n...President Trump really deserves some RESPECT as the media has relentlessly portrayed him as bad and n person, but you have to understsnd that he speakes in code words to mislead the deep state/democrats/cabal and people do not get this!!
I’ve been married for 44 years. And I’m so tired. So many people in my life were narcissists too. I am disabled and have chronic pain and I can’t drive. He won’t leave. So I just try and stay away. I believe in myself and I need to take care of myself.
Denise O,You got a lovely smile 😊!!
Hi Denise,O
Your comment really moved me and I pray that God will bring you the comfort and strength that you deserve. I pray that your days will be filled with the happiness and true joy that you deserve. God is there for you remember that.
I sit back on my heels
And I observe the scene before me
wondering and learning from it
I find sadly, I can no longer see you
Because my focus is now on me
As your actions have taught me, it should be
For you have taught me the value of being my own person
To be free
To be the captain of my own ship
Not a sailor on yours
Seeing this new freedom unfold, with
Endless possibilities
Endless hope
I thank you for what you have taught me
It has been a valuable lesson
Now, I can wish you well
And having done so
let you go
Anne Davison
That's really a poetic and peaceful release. May you have good days ahead.
That is wonderful!
This is beautifully said and so true for many. Let's be strong and listen to our pain rather than bring it to them to fix. I love that Dr. Carter says we shouldn't expect the ones hurting us to fix us. That's so right on.
Great poem. Well spoken❤
It's not every day you read poetry in UA-cam comments. Beautiful, healing, affirming words. Thank you.
It's so painful when you tell the person "this hurts me, it's painful" and yet the person sees no reason to even consider thinking about changing the thing that causes pain and instead says,, "you need to work on yourself". Maybe we (I) do- away from this person.
You get to the place when you say enough is enough the best solution is to get away from this toxic person sign Cynthia Smith
I swear this gentleman has saved my life. I’m currently on self love and I’ve been at peace for 2 months now. Thank you so much.
I love the emphasis on peace. I've come to realize that peace is everything. Thanks, Dr. C.
Amen to that.
Another great video. A narcissist will say, "you need me." They cause unbearable emotional and physical pain but will blame you for everything. Even when you listen to your pain it is hard to leave because they saddle you with fear and guilt. The good news is there will be relief when you can break away. You might have to give up a lot to get away, but it's worth it.
OMG MY MOTHER JUST SAID “you need me”. Then I distanced from her after thinking about that and all the mean “word curses” she always puts on me. Then I remembered that it was she who pushed me to marry my narcissistic cruel husband. I never realized my mom may be one until now. 😭. But it makes sense
🦋♥️🙏
I recently broke free of a Narcissistic TYRANT. I have no income now and it worries me, BUT.... after 30 YEARS of Physical, Mental, Psychological Abuse, I can BE ME !!
My pain is trying to tell me these things: boundaries, away from toxic people, I deserve respect and honesty, believe in yourself
#4!!! If you treated me differently, if you'd stop lying, if you'd act with honor, we could have a happy marriage. Anyone reading this who relates: Being miserable is enough reason to leave. They don't need to hit you to do great harm. If your religion wants you to stay, even though everything in you says to flee, please leave both the narcissist and the religion. Thank you, Dr. Carter. Excellent video.
Yes, I've been waiting for my narcassist to heal me....for 57 years. Light bulb just went off. OMG. I'm going to team healthy. Never too late!
You GO, girl!! I'm right there with ya! 40 years for me... You're only as old as you let others convince you that you are... and I'm 25, lol!!
@@rachelhill3838 thank you Rachel.😘💖
You are still young!!
If only I knew this at your age. 🥰🥰
@@karenbarella3116 thank you!!
Thank you Dr. C.... the one thing that resonated with me the most in this message is; “ You were made for none of that”. All that was said was good and beneficial but, those words stood out and were exactly what I needed to hear today. I was not made for a life with a narcissist. I was made to be loved, cherished, respected, honored, and adored. I was made for a life of peace and civil cooperation. May God bless you Dr. C. ❤️
How refreshing to have someone who speaks to you in language we can all understand and with kindness and caring.Thankyou because I was feeling very lost and confused and scared and this has helped.
My mantra to my Mother a couple of years back when I FINALLY spoke up were "There is nothing WRONG with me!" and "I deserve better!" Yes, selfishness and self-centeredness are not Godly and I want no part of it. Dr. Carter, I wish I could work with you personally for the final healing. This one really hit 🎯 the mark. I AM listening. Thank you 🙏 (I sobbed after this one) ☮️
I do know what you mean. I left my narc to only find one at work (H.R.) to replace him. I want to quit but I am so afraid to. I have PTSD from so many of my jobs dealing with narcs. I am in treatment for MDD and PTSD from my jobs. I can even join the #MeToo movement from 2 jobs I have had.
The narcs always seem to find me where ever I live.
@Tristan Rey Excuse me? God is not my problem.
I love nature and God. Trauma from abusive others has been problem and it's good to get some answers from EXPERTS like Dr. C 👍
I could have easily said the behavior was inhumane rather than ungodly, but what's the damn difference?
This is so obvious.....but it took me a mother first, a husband second, which caused me to withdraw from relationships in my 30’s. Then thirty-five years later I got a great friend......NO! Another narcissist! Impossible I thought when he disposed of me......after 70 years I figured it out! They keep coming into your life no matter how much time you take off from relationships until you figure out what is attracting them to you, and fix yourself. I am finally narcissist free! I wish I had had the wonderful videos you make to shorten the understanding of what was going on. But, when your childhood starts off dysfunctional, you grow up thinking that is normal.
I have a similar history. It's been hard to figure out without the wonderful free help from Dr C and a couple of others on UA-cam.
Sick, I’m so sorry.
That's what made me realise I had to fix myself, (rather God fixed me,) but I had no idea!! I was like what are the chances, aaanother one!! We keep having the same types of experiences until we learn. Sometimes I was like 'what is it I have to learn?' The answer was inside myself, I had to change, I am a work in progress!
I understand what you are saying but I don’t think they are attracted to you. There are just so many of them out there to begin with. And narcissists produce more narcissistic children. Not all will be but some might.
My history is very similar. And I agree with what you’re saying. When I get out of this marriage i see myself happy by myself . At least I won’t feel lonely anymore. The way I do now- being and feeling lonely in a marriage is worse than living alone with hope.
The world’s not broken, the people are 😢
Well said....the age of narcissism is upon us and cruel heartless people abound....
C H they are everywhere
The great news is it won't be like this forever. Bad people will not continue to dominate others and harm them.
Hurt people hurt people.💖
The world is sick and toxic, reeling in pollution and trying to heal.
Some of us are slow learners. My latest narcissist died 15 years ago after 43 years since I met him. I'm almost 85 now and still need to learn!
Think a lot of us are slow learners we were too nice
June Rittmeyer
I am 75 and still learning too! We are Slow learners! I am considerate and fail to notice the lack of consideration on the other person. I do believe I am getting smarter though!
We learn along the way :) I hope I'm always learning something new everyday all my life!
It's never to late to learn
This gives me so much hope!
I wish I would have known about this disorder 40 years ago, I would have had a happier life. As an empath, it would have saved me four decades of stress and the constant need to defend myself and try to convince those types that I’m not who they accused me of and that I’m not that person. When I first started hearing about this here on UA-cam, the lights went on and I thought that is exactly what I have been dealing with with those people. I never could find the words to describe the abuse. It was such a relief to know that it was not me, like the would say, but them. Thank you!
I keep thinking well I will have at least 10 years of 'normal' life.....
I can so much relate to this, Jane Doe. While we can't go back and do it over, at least we can do our best to pass the information to younger people who need it.
I went no contact with my mom two months ago, and i saw her for a split second by accident today --- and had a complete panic attack and cried.
I'm always somewhere between grief and rage at her, and pure hurt because the little girl inside me still has a grain of hope that I can have a loving mother. But the adult in me knows that it won't happen or it won't last because my mother lacks empathy.
And I have no doubt, her crocodile tears aside, that my mother secretly LOVES that i'm this hurt over her, because she loves that power.
I wish my father could see it but he doesn't want to. I wanted him to protect me, but he never protected me from her, because he deluded himself into believing she was a good person. I wish he could see her for who she is and get his own healing.
I hear you and I also know that the hope will keep us trying. Don’t hope, they can’t and won’t become authentic and they have nothing to give to us or anyone else. I’m so sorry for your hurting.
Turning inward to listen to what your pain is saying is the first step to acknowledge in healing. It tells our soul that we matter.
You so get it! Dr. C
Beautifully said, Paula!🌷
I agree but I struggle with this. I struggle to internalize the pain and sit and absorb it. It drives me more crazy 😫
Being emotionally engaged with a narcissist is like dealing with a high interest credit card company. The more you carry them emotionally the higher the debt rises until bankruptcy is the only recourse. The truth is the only path out and up. Thank you Dr. Carter.
Tomm C i often thought of a credit card that never was paid when i thought of that relationship
towards the end of the marriage I had nightmares of digging large holes and filling them up with dirt repeatedly I worked all day every day and many times till bedtime…the more I did the more i had to do, he would create more work for me…I couldn’t even rest at night in my sleep due to the nightmares.
Oh I have so may analogies, like how dealing with them is like trying to sweep up hair on a windy day.
As much as the emotional pain I went through was so so so very painful and I would never wish for me or anyone to go through it ,
I MUST SAY today 3 and a half years later , it drove me closer to God.
I was so enamored by one phrase in scripture :. Be Still ,and know that I am God ( vengeance is Mine ,sayeth the Lord ).
I stuck by that only.
I went completely NO CONTACT.
And today , I thank God for engineering the discard , the lies , the slander , the scandalizing......
Today , I'm alone but NOT LONELY !!!
The PEACE , FREEDOM and ' space ' that I enjoy is immeasurable , is indescribable !!!
No more toxicity !
O My dear Father in heaven ,
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
All Glory be to Him. Amen.
❤️🙏🌹Amen 🙏🙏🙏
I came to believe that my Marriage, “Was a Calling From GOD!” Now, I look at it like... “My Calling is OVER!”
...and God bless you, 🙏❤️🌹...
What if... We can Reflect the Divine Nature, as expressed in “2Peter, Ch.1,” and PRAY for them continually. They have a Spirit also, & their Temporal Selves, have Demons & invisible Chains about their necks...Leading them on a Path to Hell! I feel like “We, can Focus & DO GOD’s WORK.”
I was really sick, when my EX quit paying Alimony... It took me months to feel better, & I finally got on-line to print-out Court Papers; then, I Decided to PRAY & ASK, W-H-Y, he wasn’t paying Alimony... The Holy Spirit, impressed upon me, that he was going to Die. I prayed Daily, Several times per Day, on my Knees, for weeks. I had NO Contact for years, nor his Family. His Spirit came to me, before he died, & I prayed some More for Him... I Encouraged him to Repent, & Gave him Love... And I believe, that he Did Repent! So, my Misery, in having been Married to him... May have HELPED to save him from a Literal Eternal HELL!
“What IF - Having a Narc in our LIFE, is ‘A Calling’ that we Volunteered For?”
🙏🏻💕🕊🍃
Narcissists are Torturers of the greatest degree in every way possible. Thanks for such practical videos. Kisses and hugs to Gus!
Pain is killing me mentally, physically sick...can't even be around the person anymore emotionally over load
The emotional pain is within us, stuffed from childhood. The narcisisst is a messenger. Maybe Dr. C. will show us how to listen that pain - to follow it like a golden thread, to heal our initial programming. Hoping I make it out to the other side, think Gus is there.
very good
It can be a hard concept to wrap your head around if you were traumatized as a young child by a parent, and then continued in adulthood with a partner who is a narcissist. Believing that you are truly worthy to find that better life for yourself is a big hurdle and the first step, and foreign concept for some to even believe possible or visualize.
@@floridagirl6686 yess, I hear you. It is our first step and it's big! God will meet us where we're at- no matter where that is. I had lost my faith, but when I wanted to die from the pain of all of this-God was there. It's one day at a time, with toxic lonlieness and the trauma bond. God is our peace and understands through it all, for that I am grateful. I am in solitude rn. Believe that life can be beautiful and nurture that belief of healing. peace, and love to you, sis.🌻
@@floridagirl6686 yes that happened to me, I did get a good 2nd husband but my adult kids turned out just like their narcisstic Dad. I have to distance from these kids for my own sanity.
That’s deep insight
I told my AH Narcissist yesterday, "We aren't even friends anymore!" He looked at me shocked as if he was living in an alternate reality. He barely talks to me, unless he wants something. Then after work & weekends we go our separate ways. It's sad. I am lonely. My pain is telling me that this person does not know how to be a husband & I can't fix him!
I get it, and please remember that it is NOT you. It is him. A NARC is unable to love us the way we deserve to be loved. We never thrive with a NARC, we just exist. I wish you peace, love, and joy.
I was married to one for 8 years. He Love Bombed me before marriage and later was incapable of showing love. He was so selfish. He would rather help a stranger than his own family. After I left, he became a HOARDER and never did get his life in order.
He passed last year a lonely man. I sorta felt sorry for him, yet was soo GLAD I got out years ago!.. A NARCISSIST never changes to suit you, they are in it for themselves and will destroy your life!!😱😱
Your pain is right.
Withholding love as a way to control. Excruciating to live through! Maybe you can find ways to get love somewhere else to build some warmth in your bones! And that doesn't mean romantic... Even just being around dogs or people who share a hobby or helping some (kind) elderly person or focusing children without bringing them into it? None of it fixes it but it can bring some relief to help you think!
Well said: We aren't even any friends anymore, bitter but truth and he should bear in his lunatic mind for good.
The ability to accept that it is your mother is a truth that we avoid at all costs. It's so taboo 😞
The pain a narcistic sibling causes lasts forever. Very difficult to move on after years of abuse and lies and assenation of character when they are the one with the cruel warped personality .My 4 siblings all narcisists would never do the right thing in life and do not no the meaning of being fair .kind or giving .all take .They have stolen my inheritance as my mother recently passed .somehow years ago the leader of the narcisists managed to persuade my mother to change her will .they all went along with it .I 've been the best daughter for 55 yrs and have spent the most time with her .it's hard to except how low these 4 individuals are .theve been like a pack of animals .true bullys .I'm happy to stand alone. I like myself and won't change to fit into what they want me to be .I'm free at last as no contact .that's me done with them .I'm ashamed .embarrassed by them all .
Oh my, this is my story as well. Also had narc husband who has smeared me to two of children and most relatives. My best to you . I just discovered Dr Carter and Dr Ramani and am trying to process and work thru the pain. It helps to have the words and know I'm not alone, but I am 75 and hard to deal with lifetime of narcs and feeling so duped, but hopefully can find joy and move forward. Bless the truth tellers and empathy and scapegoats! And the wonderful educators.
This isn't talked about enough. It's usually the narcissist parent or spouse being discussed. Siblings can often get you alone to abuse, and they usually live longer than the parent. You can't divorce them, but you can try to go no contact. However, they may continue to be in touch with all your relatives throughout your lifetime. It is extremely painful and can remain a major element throughout your entire life.
" Are you making the narcissist in charge of making your emotional pain go away?" resonated with me. This channel has provided me with the skills to cope with a narcissistic person.
I've been married to a narc for 45 years and just realized what was wrong with him. Almost divorced 20 years ago and had I known then what I know now I would be free of him. Won't save money, won't discuss finances and 62 years old with no retirement. Acts like I'm his mother trying to tell him what to do and I'm trying to help him. I'm done. I feel guilty sometimes because I've started talking to him like he talks to me then I think I learned from the best. He lies all the time. I'm sick of it. There are no conversations between us anymore.
Nana820able,
Get out. Take the last 20 plus years you have and find a 55 plus house,trailer, apartment and live in peace. I have a dog and a cat and me. Own my home and I have peace, not anything more then what is needed.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 peace comes in simple packages. Love comes from the heart. May you enjoy your afterlife as you are a good-hearted person 👍🙂
I feel sad for you that you are sruck with this narc man. Just treat him like a room mate and maybe one day you can break free.
Just keep watching Dr. C. Maybe add Ross Rosenberg to your watch list, he’s also about self love. Dr. C. And Dr Ramani will show you how the misery they inflict is their preferred sport. They cannot will not change. I’m also 62, after decades of banging my head on the same wall, I have the divorce in progress. I can finally breathe again, finally make friends again, finally not worry about what the narc thinks. My health is improving. Even during this Covid isolation, and we are still under the same roof, I feel freer. It takes a few months to get your head around this, but I know you can do it. ( or you wouldn’t be watching this.)
@@victorkroud8839 Victor, you are so right, where there is a will, there is a way......
I was just so lucky to find you on this site & recognize narcissistic tendencies in a man I was dating. Also I had lost my husband to cancer after a long happy marriage so I knew what a good relationship should be. This man’s controlling personality was making me painfully unhappy so I got out of the relationship sooner rather than later. Thank you Dr C.
Hi Lynda, I'm so thankful the videos helped you avert a disaster. You're why I do this! Thanks for the feedback. Dr. C
Good for you! So nice to hear a good story
The Spirit of God can Heal our Mind, Heart, and Soul, He will be our Teacher, and Comforter, Forever, in the Bible book of John, chapter 14, verse 26...
Amen Amen Amen 💙
Yes Amen 💞
Yes! When you believe what he said. "The Kingdom is *in you*" that's more POWERFUL than most even realize. "Take every thought captive" and peace that surpasses all understanding is yours. Still water restore your soul❤
Right on Gary - we need to believe nothing is too big for our Lord.
Cries for two years everyday. I thought I would literally die from a broken heart when my Narc left me. Beginning in 2017 and still haven’t healed in 2021! God is working it all for my good! But I’m tired of hurting.
Yes God is in control 🦋♥️🙏
They sure do a number on us. I cry everyday as well but I am learning that life goes on.
So compassionate. Especially when you’re pain is constantly invalidated .. you’re too sensitive etc. Self preservation and love the only way out. Thank you.
Wow.. Dr. C, your understanding, experience and empathy is so cathartic. Too many professionals have no comprehension of these things and in fact don't even believe us and will treat us like our grief makes us the defective "mentally ill" ones rather than our abusers, and that is not ok. God bless you for being a rare exception!
Thank you, Kristi. Dr. C
Well said
Its immense. At least there is an understanding space on ytube.
Thank God!
@@treasuredaniela.5707I say Amen to that.
If not I would of thought I was going mad and probably acted alot differently without having the awareness. And people around me dont understand me when I try to explain it either, tbh honest Im confused and overwelmed by it too, and when I try explaining how it seems and feels like to be narcissticly abused, and their replys would have only made things worse by being unsupportive or not understanding. But everyone here seems to know how it feels and what Im talking about without even too much explaining :D. Like even moreso I see my story in nearly every ytube video I watch! And most peoples experience so similar generally how the narc plays their mindgames etc and the afteraffect to one degree or lesser or more. But unfortunately well intentioned uninformed people say stuff like "it was only a breakup" "get over it" or " see a shrink" - because the experience and how overwhelmed you feel makes no sense to them, when they try to compare it to their own "normal" scenario's etc. So it was a blessing that I spoke to a lady I once met who ran a workshop, whom directed me into researching it, and vualla, I found my story here, and supportive people who get it. Obviously its not enough to help alone recovery, but knowing your not alone and can be understood has absolutely been one of the best support and eye openers in helping myself. So although we take it for granted but these ytubers that put it out there by tackling and breaking it all down and spreading the word helps so much and probably dont know how many lives they helped and saved just by spreading this information! Many blessings to you and healing journey 💕.
It is funny how strangers save you from your family members. I feel like this is a break through! Need to pray about that!!!
@@leahc8347 You are so correct. It feels great to hear someone talk about the abuse that took place. There were no visible bruises. No proof. WE were the crazy ones. WE were mentally drained and exhausted. My body became numb, my heart became numb. It got to the point where my body said...enough...no more...as a coping mechanism. I finally quit talking to my friends. They just DID NOT GET IT!!!! Their advice was . ...well, when he says that ... then maybe your reply should be (blah, blahs, blah). They just didn't get it.
Watch Michele Nieves videos. She is really good, also. Good luck to you.
If a person starts a conversation immediately talking about themselves and with no interest of concern with what you have to say, or your situation, your Narcissist spider sense should be tingling.
"You aren't going to believe what is happening to me now ......." Without even a hello. Red flag. Time to disassociate with those deluded self-important types.
@selfatrophy , Ha-ha! There is a person in my "friend" group on FB who constantly posts her vacation shots. She's continually on vacation, usually where ever she can get a free meal and overnight. Have a house in Lake Tahoe? She's your BEST friend! In the pictures, she's usually wearing bright red. Someone wrote: You sure do wear a lot of red. Her answer? "That's so that people can spot me better." I'm not kidding. I couldn't make this up!
I feel like I have that narc spider sense now. I like the term.
I learn so much from your post,thank you spider wrestler. I will watch and learn. I also will not start a conversation about me ever again. I don't want people to think I'm a narc.
Sometimes people live in isolation or up in there heads can then pop off about themselves lacking awareness of other.. some of this is simplistic.
So what you're saying is if a person wants to talk about their life lessons and the experiences that brought some awareness to them and wants to share that, you see red flags?
He did cause me a great amount of pain as I always felt neglected by him. Never felt important, never felt priority. Always felt lonely and disconnected in his presence. Almost invisible at times. I didn't want to listen to my pain, but thought I would love him more. He couldn't love me, couldn't accept me for who I am, couldn't just be real and honest. His selfabsorbedness made it impossible. What a miserable old grinch he is.
I always feel a pain like a heavy weight on my chest, and i know it's anxiety of the trauma bond
I just left my narcisstic boyfriend today! I am very sick with chest conjestion, waiting on my Covid 19 test to come back, with a fever. I have been tormented for over a year and a half now. Of course he denys any wrong doing, it was ALL me! I am living out on this pandemic, with my cat, in the car!
I have been working on that emotional pain after I ended the relationship with my covert narcissist ex partner. It sounds strange but I have to thank her actually. If this didn't happen, probably at this moment in my life (I am almost mid 40's), I would have made the same mistakes in a new relationship in the future. I have worked on my innerself and that was necessary. It feels so much better now. I am enough and I am worthy.
in the same boat. didn't want to date when i met them. Was overwhelmed by all the attention. Didn't know how to handle it. I kept telling them they are putting me on a pedestal. Everyone disappoints people they love, sometimes.
Mid 40s, end of a second marriage and I totally resonate. I feel no regrets to wake up to myself. The blame game is over, all the projection and foisting seen through, but not without arduous, at times insane periods of learning about myself in the mirror of narcissism. This need to be respected, to be validated has had me entangled in what I now see is a 'supply trap.' listening to the emotional pain of a lifetime in each crazy making moment has led the way to relationship...to myself. With this, giving away my own power and responsibility dissolves by itself. I am ready to walk away now without a shred of doubt or regret.
Exactly 💯 the same! So thankful 🙏
@@user-ir5ul1ph1c Yes! Learn to Love yourself first. It truly is the most selfless thing you can do. Peace Light and Love
Im mid 40s too.. thank God ive finally learnt the lessons... the rest of my life will be the best of my life
Dr. C is showing he knows our pain ... he is feeling us fellow survivors ... great thumbnail ! Thank you in advance for the Premiere 🙏
Wish I was a survivor. Im trying to just survive right now. Its not easy at all 😕
13 years of consistent AGONIZING gaslighting misrepresentations projection smear campaigning child alienation exploitation devaluing discarding triangulation etc and in TWO weeks with following Doctor Carter I have come BACK to center !!!! I Thank GOD for you Dr. C.
I would always say to MLH (my loving husband) when he was pontificating to me, “You really hate me, don’t you?” Oh! If I only knew then what I know now!
Nancy Wright,You don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
It took a long long time to accept that the narcissist I had spent most of my life with was "An angel in disguise" meaning that his horrible treatment of me, woke me up. I have always thought that if he had in the discard phase, just disappeared ,it would have been the best thing. But had he not laid tremendous blows on to me I would still be feeling the glassy eyed feelings of love I felt and believed that he( falsely) felt for me. He came out of the closet as evil to a degree that is unfathomable.The truth sets you free and it is a hard truth to face. The truth is that he is incapable of love. I am now grateful to know that truth.
Meanwhile, cute Gus is chilling on the sofa behind Dr.Carter :-)
I used to be like Gus, gonna get back there..🤗
I’ve been stuck in agony and anger since I first found out that I was traumatized horrifically by many narcissists. That was about not even three years ago. I can’t find my way out of the situation so what I do is mainly distract myself from the pain. I need to address these feelings I believe but 58 years of agony is too much for me to bear. I hope this video can help.
christar 95 I feel your pain. I've been tormented by my narc for over 40 years. I finally went no contact 6 months ago and have never been so free! In the course of my relationship with this narc, I didn't even know about narcissism, and I really did believe that I was responsible for all the issues. Narcs are really good at making you believe that they're perfect and all the problems are your fault. The good news is, once you learn about narcissism, and realize that you're not all the horrible things they've been telling you, you can begin to heal! The best thing you can do, if it's possible is walk away. It takes a lot of guts, but you will be empowered and set free if you take that step. Wishing you all the best and most of all, healing and freedom!!
@@CG-bt7oc what if your environment and people from the job that you've been working has been plotted against you,saying lies ,bad fake things about you and your personality? How do you cope with such big amount of malevolence? Who can stop such ignorant people from further interference and spreading lies?Most of them belongs to immoral greedy society..that is what highly skilled narcissist can do ,it is a shame how people can be so naive to trust them.Every person is known for his deeds, so its not hard to detect who is who.
...I came into realization about 3 years ago as well, I'm 49. Rough ride to say the least, but keep push'n.
@@vesnadjordjevic28 no one can stop an arrogant and evil person. If you know that the accusations against you are false, then hold your chin up. Better yet, I'd you are able to, move on and get another job.
@@CG-bt7oc of course, anyways best way is to leave,interacting and being assertive with evil people change nothing.
I told him "actually you taught me how to recognize and stay away from people like you" he says " well you should be grateful for me" he's always a hero in his mind.
We become confused because we have been brainwashed. Listening to you Dr. Carter helps so much. Thank you for your kind , non judgmental and helpful lessons. God bless you for this.
I really appreciate when referring to narcissists you always say "he or she", or "they", instead of "he", as do many counselors and psychologists. Though initially small, and seemingly petty, this can give off the impression that women can't be narcissists, and nothing can be further from the truth. Many female narcissists have inflicted an equal amount of physical, mental, emotional & psychological pain as their male counterparts. Let's not forget that fact! Dr., you do an excellent job of that by referring to both genders in your videos. Keep up the good work. 👍👍
Fully support you with what you’ve expressed. Narcissism is rooted in oppressive power and control. It’s gender, class, age, race agnostic. If you’ve personally experienced a narcissist in your life, I’m so sorry. I wish you healing
@@namitaatadw45 Thank you, likewise.
When I googled - Can women be narcissist I was shocked to see the results - because I did not know they could be as society made it seem that it was only MEN that had this flaw. I was glad to find this information.
@@Davo667 Yes sir, as Namita said above, NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) knows no gender, class, age, race, etc. It makes sense when you consider narcissism many times, if not most of the time, is developed in one's childhood years. The narcissists we deal with today, as little children were once victims of verbal, physical, emotional and psychological abuse from their abusive parents/caretakers. Sometimes both! The result? The abused become abusers. You may have heard it this way, "hurt people, hurt people". Boys and girls exposed to that type of destructive and toxic upbringing, will grow to become the men and women they hated to see as a child. It's truly a vicious cycle. Their violent upbringing doesn't justify their actions today, it only helps explain why... 😔🥺😢
Women can be just as bad as men. Anyone who doesn't think so just doesn't know many women. And blessed by that perhaps?! I'm guilty of sometimes saying he, not cuz' I think men are only ones ~ just cuz' ine is a he & it sometimes slips out that way.
I'll try to be more aware now...
Thank you for the insight into how the narcissist creates pain in a relationship. Somehow I felt like the pain I was feeling was my own weakness, but eventually it did lead me to break the bond, but I first needed to get angry at the narcissist.
I can relate, these things happened to me cos I was weak and didn't stand up to her. I need to stop wanting her back and start to be angry at her.
When I was little I remember asking my dad “why do we have to get sick?”. His answer was “If we never got sick, we wouldn’t appreciate when we feel good”. It made sense to my little mind then and still does.
How can we experience joy if we never knew pain :)
Making a narcisistic evil abuser responsible for taking my pain awsy from me is insanity. We must take full responsibility for our lives and remove ourselves from toxic abusive people and places. We have to start loving and respecting ourselves. Thank you dr Carter for this extremely supportive message❤ God bless you❤
"my healing will come as i REMOVE myself from the one who's generating this pain". thanks, Dr. C.
Hi Dr.C, there's the pain of their unfairness, need for revenge, isolation of you, triangulation, projection, their manipulationships lol manipulate/relationships, co dependency, deflection, invalidation and shifts blame.Take care and thanks.
I almost committed suicide when I was six because of my grandfather and mother's narc abuse and my father's physical abuse. I was a good kid, I did whole family s dishes and many housework daily, I took care of myself, never got them in trouble. After continuously living with narc for almost 20 years from my 20th, I moved out and away from my parents, mainly my narc +borderline mother. I was there for her everyday and tried to satisfy her and hoped she would stop her crazy behaviors. The last straw was when she told me to get out of her house again after I used all my savings plus some retirement contributions and paid off a big chunk of her mortgages. We live in SoCal and houses here aren't cheap. I tried to communicate with her that her behaviour almost killed me when I was 6 and she said it was normal I wanted to kill myself when I was 6. After I heard that response, I knew I could call her evil. Now for the first time I'm able to live by myself, physically away from the abuser tho I still need to help with her bills, mails, insurances, house termites,her car issues etc like in the past. It is almost a year now, she recently really tries to make my dad to tell me to go home because she wants to see me. Lol. Now I know better, after seeing psychiatrists and videos here, I know my life is no longer about her. It is going to be about me, who I want to be and how I want my life to be. The recovering process is painful and long. But at least now I get to decide what I want to eat, when to eat and how to eat. I don't have to hear her calling me names and put me down 20 times a day.
H Hh 🙏🏾
H Hh.. That is so sad and I'm sorry you had to endure such hardship at a young age. May God give you strength to get back on your feet and may you find comfort in Him and other kind hearted people in the world. xxx God Bless and stay safe..
@@christinelawrence4315 Thank you for the kind words. I am still alive is only because of God. He gave me the strength to endure the days living with my mother from my 20th to 35th. For the 15 years, I was not happy and depressed everyday, my personality changed (I was raised by my grandparents, I lived with my mother less than 5years before my 20th), I closed up to everyone become an ultra introverted person. I had nightmares about my mother almost every night even after I moved out. But thank God ,He gives me strength everyday. I pray for the recovery. And pray I will have the strength and be strong enough to handle my mother in the future. I am the only child after all. My faith in God doesn't allow me to select an easier route to choose no-contact.
@@HHY-J316 God WILL answer your prayers for He is faithful and all enduring.. He will never forsake you XX Your healing will come in Christ Jesus AMEN xx
H Hh
Good for you..Girl! I had a bad situation..but yours was Worse! I am so sorry. You have earned your happiness!
How does a person move on to a normal relationship after being a victim of these people. The choice to remain alone to protect myself is so lonely. I really want to share my life with a new happy person but I feel that will not happen at my age. (57) most men my age that are single have been hurt too. They don't want to be hurt again either. I just don't know. It's been 21 years. I just would like to be able to kayak with someone.
Have you looked into "Meetup" Groups? Meetup.com However, realize people are people and there are narcs everywhere you go. Listen to your heart, gut, and mind. Pay attention to those red-flags. Go slow and watch. I am so alone sometimes. I prefer my dogs and solitude. Still healing...
Be very careful as we really do attract these people, even seemingly friendly couples. I've found it better to just be alone.
Hang in there. I’m only a year older than you with the same questions. I just take it one day at a time
Don't start off by thinking you are too old or too damaged. And do think of the possibilities of all kinds of friendship, not necessarily a romantic partner. Make space for that to be a reality, and challenge yourself to pursue it. Search opportunities and groups in your local area first, become a regular in places you enjoy, and of course, nurture any healthy relationships you do have, focusing on your ability to make a contribution to others' lives first.
God bless you.
@@Chahlie Yes 🦋♥️🙏
Dr. Carter, this podcast is helping me immensely as well. I'll add this podcast to my podcast library of knowledge and healing.
With my sister,I've often said to her look if you're angry with me just say so which I now know makes it even worse its almost as if I know her better than she does,nothing ever gets talked about resolved understood
Thank you so much Dr. Les Carter..you have helped an empath not get emotionally sick from a narcissist and set some boundaries yet still have compassion.Thank you so much!
So pleased. Thanks, Susan. Dr. C
Susan Rozler,I am so happy 😊 for you😊🤙
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you.
My ex narc and my mother, would use the covert punishment tool of ‘the silent treatment’ to create and inflict emotional pain and suffering in me, by withdrawing their presence from my life dramatically, when I did something’wrong’ in their book, that I would then crave relief from.
This would manipulate me into begging for their love, changing myself for them and walking on eggshells. All for crumbs of love and release from pain.
They wanted to be the inflictor AND the antidote..it made them have a supply of a sense of superiority and power (when deep inside they feel the opposite)
The TRUE antidote has been to separate from them and ALLOW and validate my PAIN.
To not need escape from it.
I say to myself ‘yeah it hurts and that’s normal. I love you and I’ve got you. I will love you and care for you’.
Now the silent treatment has no power of pain
Ownership of pain is my power.
I am growing into such a self caring and empowered version of myself and I like me so much now.
Love bombing is no longer my achillies heel because that hole of self love is now filled by me.
Love bombing is a supply seeking tool of the broken, looking for a host to boost their ego by hooking them in.
Attention doesn’t reflect true intention .
Self love and discernment are now my tools
Along with the ownership and validation (with no need of escape from) my pain.
That candle burnt and caused pain for a reason..
To say WARNING.. do not stick finger in flame.
The flashy love bombing of narcs was my flame.
I am stoking my own inner fire of self care and self validation now.. 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Praise GOD 💔
My cure for the silent treatment. Put on some music a dance around, sing and at least appear to be delighted. Read and show them you appreciate thr silence....don't let it faze you externally and soon, it won't faze you internally
I did feel the pain from the narc abuse, but my thinking was there is something wrong with me, it's my fault, I deserve it, so I didn't like myself and blamed myself and thought if only I could fix me, I could fix him and us together... to no avail. I've been out of narc hell for four years and had to put a lot of time and effort in to learn to love, care and accept myself as I am.
Thanks Tammy. I so want you to understand that the pain was signaling that you needed the opposite of all that blame and shame. Live into peace. That's the message. Dr. C
And you are truly loved for who you really are!! ❤️
I'm going threw the same Damn thing!!!
The pain has been a real " learning experience," which has been a true gift. I now know what a covert narcissist looks like in all their stages.
You can definitely never say ‘ouch’ to a narcissist … even if they tell you that you can…after a fake apology, at best, they will take it personally, gaslight you & make sure you suffer more for even thinking they could possibly hurt your feelings … deeply damaged people who appear to be functional. Celebrating learning what they are all about and how to identify healthy people 🎉 Thank you, SO MUCH, Dr. c 🙏 Your heartfelt communication is precious ❤
My son is 15 and was told he is a sociopath. He is in rehabilitation for drug use. Thank you for all you do ❤️😊
My elderly ex has been into drugs all his life .... now at nearly 60 he is into mushrooms 🍄 & DMT ... his outlook on life is not real or normal he now mixes with a younger generation.. who are into this, he is an addict of weed, his whole life is drugs & £££ , he has zero respect for anyone or anything ..... I’m leaving him to his own path .... he was a nasty fowl mouthed, inconsistent nightmare , I am a mother to a beautiful 10 year old who he said he hated ... he lived here in my home for years for free didn’t contribute as he felt entitled....
Time to get on with my life & wait for him no more .... I’ve waited for him for 9 years he has just degenerated over that time into a selfish drug induced mess ! 🙄🙄🙄
Thank you for these videos, I walked away from my mom who is a horrible Narcissist toxic control freak, 4 years ago, and all my brothers and sister. She has acted as if I was the one hurting her and the poor little victim so she lies and I can't be around any of my family, But it has been a real education watching all of these different videos on how sick my mom is, I have moved and changed everything so that she can't find me....Yes its that bad and when ever I feel like I might go and call her I start watching more of these surviving Narcissism videos; or someone else on the same subject. I feel that If I didn't find these, that explained what was happening to me I might have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. Thats how cruel my mom is. I was beaten and abused very badly as a child bruises all over my back for no reason, two concussions as a child. My mom told me she hated me, and wished I was never born. But the other children were treated much better, I think that was part of the abuse, and the control if I was good enough maybe she would love me too. Words do cut to the very soul deep when you're a child and its your mommy saying ugly words.
I hope you are doing ok.... best wishes, 🥰🥰
I am so sorry and I do feel your pain. Your life sounds like my life. I’m so glad you got out!! You deserve all the happiness in the world. 💜🦋
Yes, I have learned to ignore my emotions to think rationally. The more I resist the pain and embrace truth the less I can be manipulated and have become stronger. I can see what people are doing but it has less of an effect on me than when I didn't understand what was happening. When we don't understand we tend to think we did something to cause the rage or rudeness in others. When we understand the evil that they are doing we know it's about them and really has nothing to do with my character. This is interesting because a person who worries if they did something wrong is one who cares deeply about acting righteously. These are the people who want to be good people. The narcissist doesn't care about acting righteously they only want to be superior others.
Gwendolyn Wehage I find that the more demanding, arrogant and impossible someone behaves, the weaker they actually are inside. Just keep walking past them and do all you can to avoid engaging with them.
But always trust your gut too! It's not always easy to access it, esp if one has suppressed it for years, but they say it never lies and can be very self-protective.
I think I am in that self preservation mode. I had a family of narcissist. A couple of friends and now a neighbour.
I am 50 and not married due to that heavy scarring of narcissists and the damage they cause.
I learnt to read people because of them.
Forgiveness is a tool they think is a weakness. Little did they see it was my tool of shedding them out of my life.
Through all of this I have learned that I am responsible for how I treat others, but I am NOT responsible for how they feel. I cannot be manipulated anymore. My responsibility ends with me and yours begins with you. It's not my job to make you feel good, and it's not your job to make me feel good.
Doc Carter, this for me is one of the very best talks you’ve given, so thank you from the depths of my heart! I had been telling myself to recall the bad feelings in order to alleviate euphoric recall! Wow, this is powerful!
Thanks Gary. You're why I do these videos! Dr. C
26 years of emotional abuse. I’ll be filing for divorce soon. Thank you for opening my eyes. Maybe in my second half of life I can finally find peace and happiness.
I promise you will find peace; happiness is up to you. I went 46 years and paid a very high price for leaving, but believe me: Freedom isn't free, but it is so worth it! Best wishes for your future, find yourself and keep safe.
I'm so grateful to you Dr. Carter, thank you for being committed to love and healing and health. You are a great guide and teacher, thank you for modeling authentic love, the healthy behavior that is so illusive to many of us. Thank you for bringing truth and clarity to people who are trapped in dysfunction. You're modeling the heart of the father and I'm forever grateful to have found your teaching. God bless you and your work.
Martine Hamman,hope you are with a better man cause you are too precious 🌹🌹🌷!
I don't want to cause harm to him. I want to help others. I honestly feel it's too late for me sometimes. My logic and my emotions do not balance inside this relationship. But, I know i can help others . I have the know and the how, but struggle with the out. It's my personal struggles. It doesn't mean I can't help another find their way out. I know the way. Personally, inside myself, I still get lost. 24 years , I have been studying this type since 2010. Sam Valkin, Dr. Ramney, Dr. Carter , Quinn Holiday, and many others have been a blessing. I stated, researching myself, thinking I was crazy ,like my ex kept telling me. So I wanted to help myself . I just didn't know how much .
I’ve been in a 12 year relationship with one of these people my pain said leave so I just broke free walked off the battlefield feeling good now
I just love your dog sleeping in the background - the perfect picture of peacefulness. To me, that says a lot about you; that you exude peacefulness in your surroundings. Peace is the most prized object on my wish list, but I am now at a point in my life where I simply do not have the strength to get up and fight for it. I think the worst thing my narc did to me was to let me fall in love with a masked man who never existed. My whole life was a lie. He also broke our kids in different ways (now adults and, thankfully, will never be parents - their choice). The worst part for me was complete and utter betrayal. I hate him, and I do not use the word 'hate' lightly. Thank you for your videos.
I get what you're saying. Hindsight is 20/20 and you can now see clearly what he kept hidden. I hope the lessons you are learning take you toward that peace. Dr. C
I know how low and gut wrenching angry and worthless you are feeling. He had me there for many, many years. The last 6 months of our marriage was the last 20+ years times 2 of Hell he drug me through. I do not claim innocence either. I finally had a NAME to his actions, behavior, treatment of me & our daughter. I could not quit learning about what he is (Malignant Narc/Sociopath) I was obsessed, reading, UA-cam, web sites, support groups. I had all the education and insight, present time, what he was doing to me. But I still could not stop myself from being putty right in his hands. I went thru the WORST devaluation, triangulation & discard he EVER put me thru. The hardest part to come to terms with for me is how twisted his perception is of me. He sees me as a manipulative low-life piece of trash that ruined his life. It is shocking how their perception is 110% wrong. It kills me that I couldn't prove to him that he had everything so wrong. It didnt help that his new supply was feeding and fueling the fire. SHE is the manipulative slut who was more than happy to be the shoulder for his poor, abused soul. It is still surreal how it all ended. I have to let it go, but when most of your life has been dedicated to a disordered husband, literally taking up all my mental energy & space, it's hard to retrain your brain. I was, and still am consumed by him. 25 years, turned his back on me like I was nothing. Divorce is not easy, either. He wants & believes I deserve nothing of our life we built for 20+ years. The pain of knowing he "thinks" he has found love in this woman and is so happy with her is too much to bear. When they both figure out how evil each other are, I cant wait for that day. She is a histrionic narc. Jezebel in the flesh.
@@pisces_chick2511 I know - I was married to my narc for 40 years; knew each other since teenagers. Long story how we met, but that was part of the bigger picture. Yes, he was cruel to me, especially at the end, and I thought I would die. I had other reasons to live, though. Anyway, don't put too much thought into your narc's new supply - that's all she is to him. She's taking on his persona right now in order to defend him, just as I'm sure you and I did with ours for many years. He gets off on that. I didn't hate my replacement - actually felt sorry for her knowing what's going to happen to her. My narc was/is a master in charming the socks off of people, so I never got into any contests with him that involved others so that I wouldn't look like the crazy person. Now I'm just a different kind of crazy: broken and dejected. But at least it's quiet. Good luck to you and your daughter.
@@BK-qp8zp I am so sorry for your pain & the hell he put you & your children through. It is all just so unfair. We also got together very young, 14 yrs old, both getting ready to start high school. It was the summer before our Freshman year when he hooked me and ever since I've been addicted to him worse than any drug known. I often wish I didnt have the heart & the conscience that I was cursed with. I truly see it that way. I want to trade him, just so he could see how much he devastated me. I sometimes think who I would be or how my life would've turned out if he never preyed on me? His home life was horrible & I'm not even talking about the pure dysfunction & abuse, that's a whole other story! His mother was evicted from so many places, no one would rent to her. Single mother w/ 3 kids, alcoholic, slut, histrionic narc (just like the new supply, imagine that?!) They moved on top of a hill in a 200 yr old farmhouse that didnt even have the workings in it for water, electric, phone, etc...it was 200 YEARS OLD! How could it? I still dont understand why the family, friends, community, didnt report her ass to CPS? You couldn't even drive up the driveway to get to the house. It was 3/4 mile straight UP! The cow path that was there had ruts that I could stand in! Me & my family were determined to give him love, support, any necessity that she didn't provide (which was almost everything) His dad was/is a narc, too. He paid minimal child support, lived with one woman to the next mooching off any sad story of a woman he could find. He cared less about his kids or what they needed. Just a mess. But he saw me (and my family) coming. I always use to joke that I thought my parents loved him more than they did me. Every last memory of every important, significant, horrible, amazing thing in my life, he was there. Drivers license? We took the class together, the driving hours, the driving test. We used my grandma's car to take the actual test. My parents moved him in with us as soon as he legally turned 18, but practically lived there anyways if we weren't at school. I cant just erase him. He was part of every stepping stone. So how can he erase me so easily? I hope he rots in hell, that is even too easy on him. So I understand your brokenness. He too has sucked every last good quality of mine. Stole my life force, my joy, my sanity, my faith, my past, present, future. And he has definitely ruined me for any other man. I have no hope or desire to love another man. It just sickens me to think of another man touching me or wanting sex. This anger & rage is too much to handle. I can't get a grip on it, yet it exhausts me every minute of everyday. Something has got to give. I do think of every soul these demons have broken. I can only imagine the people they pushed to suicide. I have been in that mindset, because of him, so many times. But that would only make his day & I have to be here for our daughter. He sure isn't. He has had nothing to do with her since she moved out when she was 16. Dead to him, because she knows who he really is. She hasn't been fooled by him since 7 yrs old. But of course that's my fault, as everything is, including his out of control alcohol addiction. Funny, he still drinks just as much as he ever did when I was in the picture. I hope you can find some peace & happiness, I truly do. We all deserve SO MUCH more than the pieces we are left with. Indifference is my goal...I NEED it if I'm ever going to have some sort of peace. If not, a lobotomy is next.
@@pisces_chick2511 Okay, I am not discounting anything you said. However, I almost snorted my drink out through my nose at your very last comment, as I have said the very same thing!! I would also like to tell you that, even with all the pain an empath feels, I would not trade places with my ex for anything. I would be horrified to be such a pathetic human being. I would rather be indifferent, just as you talked about, although that has its own pain. And, you're right about no more relationships - not even friends - too much work. Since a lobotomy seems out of the question, I prefer being a hermit. So this having to stay at home business is great for me! Then, when I do go out, everyone has to leave me alone. Probably better for everyone else, as well, due to my rage which always bubbles just under the surface. The total opposite of who I used to be. I'm hoping karma comes along and kicks his ass. Take care of yourself and thanks for writing to me.
They do throw crumbs to keep you in the loop when you look back you see it, pain is needed in life it shows your alive but as you say listen to your self don't kid yourself.
Yeppa! I thought the crumbs would turn to bread loaves , I tried to think it was a rough time for them, and with a tiny bit time then the respect would kick in. Never did.
Gut instinct! Enteric nervous system, it's a second brain.
yes they throw crumbs, my Nson calls on birthdays or Xmas but that is it, just ignores me the rest of the year. I text him but he puts no effort out at all. His Dad ignored me also, I have lived this before.
"... My healing will come as I remove myself from the person who is generating this pain; and I listen instead to my own yearning for peace." ❤️❤️
Thank you so much Dr. Carter. Your words are really giving me strength and hope especially at this quarantine time when the triggers are heightened.
Thank you!
Brought to my mind this historical event : the Narcissistic people who sent the Lepers in Hawaii to a deserted colony to live away from All others ( even their family). Yes without pain, we have no balance, gratitude and self preservation. But sometimes the pain they give out is so extreme, especially when they hold some power over things too. But it teaches us:. I deserve respect. decency and goodness matters. I need to take a different path. I reject being controlled by another. I find selfish people toxic. Only I'm responsible for my emotional health (pleading). Where is my pain wanting to direct me? Balance, team healthy, self preservation. So really it's a gift. I really related to your 4th point. Thank you, you are a very good Therapist
My emotional pain became physical, thank God I had read The Body Keeps the Score and put things together finally.