I hear so many trans people saying that they experienced so much pain from someone rejecting them after they came out, people unwilling to SEE them when they are finally stepping into who they are, people dismissing their transness. I want to say that as someone who is trans but also comes from a toxic family system, those people are not just rejecting you for being trans. It is not your transness that is making them toxic. Those people were NEVER able to truly see you, never tried to truly see you, and always wanted u to be someone else than who you were (completely separate from gender) for their own benefit. I think that coming out as trans can bring peoples toxicity to the surface, but the toxicity was always there and if you weren’t trans, something else would have brought that toxicity out of them. Your transness didn’t make them reject you; they just don’t know how to see ANYONE for who they are.
Yes. All of this comment. They're not going to change. And you will never change yourself enough to be good enough for those people, my friends. I already knew my family of origin was toxic and did not see or accept me for who I was long before I came out, as much as they'd tried to deny it for years on end. I'd been scared of coming out and kept myself from really looking at my gender for 5 years because I knew that they would not see me (transphobic jokes aside). I asked for years on end before I had questions about my gender and after why they didn't love me for who I was and why they didn't take a genuine interest in me. It will never matter how much you give, they are incapable of returning it. Respect yourself enough to be who you are and demand better for yourself. They only want another piece for their set. What kind of set doesn't matter, what matters is they only see something is missing from where they think something should be rather than seeing you and your value. Show yourself just as much if not more love than you showed these people over the years. You deserve it and have been wrongfully denied it for too long.
@@thenameiswater2921 Thanks for posting this. We are all healing and it sounds like u r making good progress. I actually recently heard a therapist say “toxic family systems can only see their family members for their role within the system (enabler, scapegoat, golden child, lost child etc.) are cannot see people beyond that.” It’s really sad but it really made sense of my experience. My mom says she misses me (I’m not out to her) but she never took interest in me when I was there. She misses me being the scapegoat and me using all of my energy trying to save them and convince myself that they were worthy of being saved. I don’t do that anymore. My prayer and hope is that we can all find true family, in whatever form that takes, and have lots of love in our lives. No more begging people to love us, just an infinite exchange of love. How wonderful would that be? Happy holidays ! ❄️🌟🌱
yeah, absolutely thought this was going to be the "these thoughts are still in progress" type of unpacking, not the "I can't kind some of my audio gear" type 😆
And, current challenge: being a little older, in a more conservative location, it's hard to find my "elders" - indeed, I tend to BE the elder that a lot of the young trans masc and nonbinary folks refer to. Which is good and I enjoy being there for them, but also, there are the conversations about what's happening with my life, career, and body that the 19-year-old isn't going to get.
@@EldestMillennial Trans people who come out after 30 definitely face a lot of challenges specific to their age demographic--like marriage, kids, and career things. These conversations definitely need to be had, thank you for bringing up your experience.
I was 39 when I came out as nonbinary, I am going towards 41 now and still haven't talked to anyone about a possible name change, not even the other parent of my kids and my legally wed spouse of over 10 years. Firstly because I feel awkward being a nonbinary stereotype in that regard and considering taking the name of an inanimate object that means very much to me, but also because here in Germany, I might be privileged regarding my safety in public spaces compared to many places around the globe including the US, it seems, but because the legal process of changing one's name is otherworldly tedious and bizarre here, no matter the reason. For that alone, I would need a psychologist's expert opinion that it is needed for my continued wellbeing, and I would have to deal with the costs and hassle of changing a lifetime's worth of legal documents, which is simply beyond my reach. So far, my experiences were very positive, with adults and children alike. My children in particular go out of their way to call me Mapa (a portmanteau of the German words for mum and dad) whenever I look stressed out or feel dysphoric or they really want to be on my good side for some reason or another. The very best thing for me, though, was the change in other people's reaction to my just being there. Men in public spaces especially seem to factor my existence and presence into the mental map of their surroundings, I am no longer a nonfactor or some sort of material ghost for them, and women aren't weirded out by me or afraid of me, because I no longer feel like I am unconvincingly cosplaying my agab. Even when I outed myself very explicitly with the other parents of my second child's daycare group, noone felt uncomfortable or any worse just because I don't fit a standard issue mold. I am so grateful for this experience and nearly every day I celebrate the mental burden I don't have to carry around any more. tl, dr: I am in my forties, married with children and the reactions so far to me coming out as nonbinary were great! If you feel safe enough to be yourself, do it. Most of us aren't talented enough actors to convince people of anything else anyway 😉🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈 Edit: various autocorrect fails
I came out in my mid 30s. In a voice class I met a woman who came out at like 60. You could literally be on your deathbed and I'd still say transition as much as you can. Even a few days of being yourself is infinitely better than zero days.
"Mistakes do not need to be cleared in advance." That makes me feel a lot better about ending things with an ex who ostensibly used the right language but still treated me as if I was a cis woman.
One of the biggest barriers to transition is: economic reasons. Many trans people who wish to transition in some way (even if it's just let's say top surgery) can take many years to transition because of that or because they can't afford to have their own place and their parents are making their lives a living hell. Just wanted to point it because trans people are one of the most precarious in economic means of the lgtbia comunity.
This! I actually have to compromise on my identity in order to have housing. I can't just move out to avoid it, so I have to accept their unacceptance and play nice to stay safe. ://
The thing about being assertive about your name and pronouns without any "it's ok if you mess up" is definitely true. I had a friend do the "it's ok" thing for about a year and people just kept using the wrong pronouns until I blew up at one convo about it and told them that it is not ok. After that the other friends started putting effort into actually changing their behaviour. Now I only have to start doing that for myself...😅
Reclaiming what's mine. Had to write that down. Cause that to me was the most important point to hear. I'm in an environment that keeps telling me I'm losing myself. That transitioning will cause them to be unable to see who I am anymore or that it's a loss of control somehow. But all these things are what I would describe my puberty with. Losing myself, unable to be seen by others, already happened. This is about reclaiming who I truly am and showing it to others.
This is was very helpful in making sense of my own headspace. I'm currently in the "diagnostic" stage of my transition - so far it has been a year of being doubted on my identity over and over, of invasive and archaic questionnaires, of being treated like I am both a murder victim and the killer, of being forced (and forcing myself) into the medically acceptable, pathologized version of transness which is extremely binary and based entirely on suffering. The main thing i've discovered along the way is that no matter how strong I had thought myself, no matter how much theory I'd read, this process still wears me down, and I find myself, a queer anarchist, with internalized transphobia that hadn't initially been there.
This was great - I’d add a note of my own that probably wasn’t a major thing holding me back (internalized transphobia did that very effectively), but did give me a lot of struggle when trying to figure out my gender identity. I think it’s important to know that you don’t have to give up interests, hobbies, and friends that may be considered integral to your assigned gender, even at the expense of being perceived as non gender conforming in your true gender. I don’t think it was a big deal and when I was figuring out I was trans I kinda accepted that I might have to give up being into cars and tech and gaming and stuff, but I’m glad I’ve managed to reconcile that and integrate it into my new life. For me it helped to realize how much of that is part of the social construct of gender and how if I had been born a girl but raised the way I was, I’d still probably get my love of cars and tech from my dad and find nerdy friends. It definitely doesn’t help me pass as a six foot tall woman in a sea of car guys or nerds, but it’s worth it because my gender doesn’t have anything to do with my interest in those things. But yeah, despite finding great resources online, I wish I had known much more about being trans - the questioning, realization, the transition, the difficulties, the joy, etc. I still have yet to find an offline community and don’t know any trans people in person, but I’m figuring it out and it’s getting easier. I didn’t think it was possible to get this far at all, but it’s only been a year and a half and I’m already more comfortable with myself and passably feminine than I thought was possible. I guess I did purposely set my expectations low, but jeez this estrogen stuff is pretty effective. What’s in this stuff?
This is such a good point. I can understand why so many trans people abandon hobbies and passions while they're early in transition because they're worried their interests will be misgendering, but we gotta combat interests being gendered in the first place.
@Anya-Prime sorry for this ootb comment months later but I love this comment! Ive always been into many different "masculine" hobbies my whole life, but I also used to be really into different needleworking craft type hobbies that I hadnt touched in years for being afraid of appearing "feminine". I've only just started sewing again and I still feel a little uneasy telling people that. I definitely still have a lot to unpack for myself, but reading your comment helps me feel better about that lol
I've already watched your video 8 times and I know I will come back to it. I hope it's not too late (!) to leave a comment. I'm 54 and just starting to really figure out who I am, how I really feel about myself, my body, my gender, what I wish, and what I want. That's joyful as much as really confusing sometimes, and your point about mourning the lost time while not letting this interfere with the time that I still have is important to me, because that's still a hard thing to do for me. I haven't come out as non-binary yet, I don't want to rush things, and I sometimes have to fight hard against that "lost time" regret, in order to allow myself all the time and space I need. But I'll get there. Also, I have to admit that while I don't feel ashamed of who I am, I'm terrified of going through the coming out process again. I came out as lesbian almost 40 years ago, it went well, but I find this harder, probably because it feels more intimate. But I'll get there too. Hope my comments are not depressing. Anyway, thank you so much for your video, and your channel. That's an important and beautiful work you're doing, this channel makes me feel safe :)
This comment isn’t depressing at all, I really appreciate you sharing it! Thank you so much for doing so, and congratulations on realizing your truth and exploring what that means-it can be hard to grapple with feelings of lost time while also not wanting to rush sharing details you yourself are still figuring out (or simply don’t want to, which is also completely understandable.)
I had a lot of difficulty coming out. By the time I did, I was 32, married, and had 2 kids. Even after realizing I was trans I stayed in the closet for years because I was terrified of losing my family. I actually came out to my husband during a panic attack. Turns out he was already pretty sure that I was trans in some way and was waiting for me to talk about it. I had some awkwardness with my kids. They were 5 and 2 when I came out, so old enough that they're definitely going to notice things but young enough that it's difficult to explain. The thing that was hard for me was them calling me "Mommy." Being called a mother in any way was always massively dysphoric. But I didn't want to correct them on it, I just said that they could call me whatever they wanted (they had no trouble switching my pronouns, interestingly). I went a more roundabout way and asked others, like my husband and my parents, to refer to me as "Daddy." Not to correct my daughters, just to use a different title. It took a few months, but they did start calling me Daddy and now, 3 years later, it's completely natural. They even started saying "Big Daddy" and "Little Daddy" to differentiate between myself and my husband. And now they both think that the idea of me as anything other than a man is absurd. It literally makes them laugh because the thought of me as a woman is so strange to them. I don't often hear from other trans people who were parents when they transitioned. Perhaps a part of that is people feeling that they have to stay in the closet for the sake of their families. I certainly felt that way. I'm so glad my husband slowly encouraged me to come out because denying my identity was what was actually damaging to myself and my family. Coming out and transitioning, while incredibly difficult, has made all of our lives, not just my own, better and happier.
I needed this. I had to get back in contact with the 2 narcs in my family of origin, and even talking to them occasionally, I feel like it's eroding my sense of self (to the point that I started occasionally misgendering myself in my own head and then feel like screaming and breaking something).
For the first time in my life I actually take care of myself, and it feels nice to really get ready and dress up for a party. At the same time, it sometimes feels like I'm letting go of the person I was, who got me to this point. Like they're slowly fading, dying to make room for someone I am much happier being. I feel better, happier, like coming home, or maybe finally going out. But I'm leaving someone behind. It's this weird melancholy that just overwhelms me sometimes. Always happy when you release a video, dog bless ♥️
You are allowed to morn or have melechally for the future that never was or the pass that was but was not you. I did the same thing around year 2-3 of my transition. I had found a name for myself and started the process of making that name legal. I found myself so sad for the girl that was being erased and at the same time had been caring for so long. I wrote her a letter. Talking about morning that she had to disapear so I could live to be who I am now. In that letter I also thanked her for the good times. I look back on that letter now as I am the masc/nonbinary person I am and it gives me feelings and a small smile like when I look at a picture of a friend who passed away. Take your time. Hugs in your journey.
I feel like I always needed people like you, a wiser friend or an older brother who knew how to help me. As the older sister of the family, my journey has been kinda lonely and a lot of things I had to figure it out on my own. My gender identity is just one of those things and I'm happy to have found people like you, at least online. You're on my top fav trans creators, just besides Natalie Wynn and Abigail Thorne
That is incredibly high praise, thank you so much. And having to find yourself on your own is so challenging, even when the rewards a grand. Be kind to yourself at every turn, please. 💙💙💙
The not being assertive about name and pronouns definatly is true for me. I have been at my job three years and they never knew me pre transition and I still get missgendered. I have taken alot of my time making space to be an educator on trans issues because I want to take the weight of others people trans or cis. I started to transition in my 30s and am taking a long time between the stages I set up for myself. I always tell anyone who ask me about trans stuff whether for themselves or for someone they care about to give time and grace. Being trans is hard but hard doesnt mean bad. I still fight with feeling that I am enough but then I look at how I have changed that I am alive and doing more than surviving and it makes me cry/laugh. I am still rebuilding from a lifetime of being someone I wasnt fo others and the damage that did to me. I have physical injuries that will never fully heal because I didnt take care of that body and now I have to learn to embrace them in this body. The people I have meet and the stories I have heard help me love being trans even when its the bad kind of hard. We need to talk more about than just pain, but I wish I had known some of the hard stuff when I started down this road so it would be easier to travel now. I will never fully fit in anywhere but I am so happy to be alive now. Im proud to be a they/he and making a space to be the person i am in this world.
That last comment about the loved ones who will *never* accept them for who they are was tough to hear-not surprising, but hard for sure. Thank you for another excellent video. We need a handsome dog sighting in your next piece.
Hey! Found you by scrolling through Chill Goblin's gender theory video's description. Kind of surprised you don't have more subscribers, keep up the good work and let's hope that algorithmic boost comes eventually! I am not trans, or queer for that matter, but you're very well-spoken and got me interested in a trans guy's perspective on gender. As someone who has lived through both experiences so to speak you probably have somewhat of a more neutral or at the very least unique perspective on those issues. I can kind of relate in the way that I grew up in a very religious household with a rigid, traditional worldview and now- well, I'm an atheist and more on the left side of the political spectrum. I know what it's like to be on either side of opposing ideologies. This allows me to see things in a way others cannot. It's kind of funny to think that the community my parents belong to are still so hung up on the "wicked" nature of homosexuality. I think they would die of a heart attack learning that trans people exist. When I was 13 there was an uproar going through that community when Austrian singer and fellow countryman Conchita Wurst (who isn't even trans lol) won the ESC. People were thinking the devil himself was at play and the endtimes were drawing close. Lots of misinformation going around as well (you cannot expect those people to know what drag is). But that's the first memorable experience I had of seeing someone who was presenting themselves outside of the norm. Understandably, I was appalled (as the only frame of reference I had at that times were the overwhelmingly negative reactions around me) but also somewhat intrigued. And the winning song was catchy as hell, I used to secretly play the music video when no one was looking lol. To skip forward a bit, around the same time I veeery slowly started to lose my faith (around 17) with my introduction to anime I also learned about BL. Yes, I was well-sheltered. To keep it short, as many teenage girls I was very into it for some time. I know that not everything about BL is sunshine and rainbows, and there's lots of things to critique, but I really have to thank the genre for easing me into the idea of people expressing themselves outside of the heteronorm. Well, that's my story. I am 21 now and I do think I have progressed quite a bit both in my understanding and acceptance of queer identities. I still have some deprogramming to do but that is kind of expected from spending a lifetime surrounded with prejudice and bigotry. That's where channels like yours come into play. To me you seem like someone who has come to terms with who they are as a person and judging from the way you reply to people's comments you're also really kind. Those qualities are really attractive to someone who as of now still feels like a jumbled mess and definitely not comfortable in myself. Please keep up the good work, I can see the positive influence you have on the people around you! ☀
We all have things to unlearn, and it’s hard work, but so rewarding. It sounds like (or so I hope) you’ve gotten to the point where it’s an inspiring process more often than not. I can imagine coming at it from a highly religious background is pretty challenging in the early days. Thank you so much for sharing, and for being here! 💙
Normalize changing names, I don't know how important it is to you, but names are very important as a 1+ word poem to and for and about myself. You are allowed to make your called-poetry as you see fit there's no time limit to the beauty you want to create for your life. I've accepted for now the magic of my name and I want to keep it in my life, but why should I settle for one name?
Ohhh the pronoun one is tough. Especially when people have been rude when I have tried to nicely correct them. And it's come from fellow trans/nonbinary people sometimes too.
The bit about names is so true! I'm in the process of changing names and the things you've suggested about trying things out beforehand are completely accurate!
Thank you for your channel. I found you from another fantastic you tuber called One Topic. This was my first video of yours to watch and as a baby trans guy I can relate to so much of what you said. I came out about 3 years ago to myself after having a good friend of mine come out to me as a trans girl. I would say it cracked my egg. I then went on a binge of trans research, found you tubers and all sorts of resources. Most of my close friends accepted me even if they didn't understand it. My mam said the best thing to me recently when I had a bit of a breakdown. She said "I carried you inside me so il always be your mother no matter what". It was fear of my dad's rejection of me if I came out to him, even my mam, brother and dad's sister thought this. Anyways I digress. I look forward to watching your other videos 🙂
First off. Last comment was endearing a.f. But as for challenges. In a lot of ways the financial system and the lack of true safety and security really has been the biggest hurdle for me. Like I've always struggled with society as it is and I've been expected to eventually become safe and secure by myself. I just never succeeded in doing that and being trans made things even more difficult. I was afraid to try to get on disability in my 20s because I was scared I wouldn't be able to transition because there wasn't a law at the time to force coverage and it tended to be considered cosmetic. So I was expected to get a job. Live securely. Transition. Live full time as a typical woman for like a year and then maybe I'd get hrt. On top of that none of that was going to get rid of my dark, fast growing facial hair. Plus I had the pressure of knowing that my hairline was slowly receding and with the stereotypical trans woman being a masc bald woman I just... So yeah...All in all I still don't have my life together but the system was awful and I'm glad it's different in some places to DSM IV days. Basically I'm overwhelmed now still with hoops to jump through and making sure I can survive. So if things suddenly work out for me just assume I won the lottery or something. >.< Didn't mean to get too grim. I just... I wouldn't take back any step forward to transitioning and finding myself. The stagnation, steps backward and massive desperation for 8-10 years I could do without.
You're not getting grim, you're being honest, and what you faced was bullshit. This is why trans care needs to be considered basic healthcare. No one should have to go through that.
2. I will correct people immediately if I get misnamed. "It's Alexandria," is the first thing I say when I can respond and then I move on. IF I can tell they are trying but they are messing up I generally say, "It's ok, I know you're trying. Some people will to it do try and hurt people, but I know that you aren't." They usually beat themselves up worse because it's a general social faux pas to misname someone. Particularly when they are gracious about the incident. If they don't seem to be trying that hard, or the soft approach isn't working I stop responding. Usually after the 3rd time, with a little more pointed enunciation, I'll then not respond until someone calls my actual name. Does matter who it is. I just say, "That's not my name, I thought you were talking to someone else," as matter of factly as I can. NOTE: There are neurodivergent people that find it rather to relabel people, either all people or just certain people. That's why I frame it like I do. Fair chance for everyone, and then act as matter-of-factly as I can in the moment so that honest actors get the lesson and dishonest actors look unreasonable. Extra Sidenote: Just for that one neurodivergent person who thinks that they have an out: no you don't. If it is an issue for you simply explain and then DO BETTER. Trying and improving are the important parts and communication can take you a long way.
I don’t have a lot to add to the conversation right now other than a thank you from a young trans guy who’s road to figuring out my identity has unfortunately been disrupted by transmedicalist narratives and other toxic views related to my trans identity. Just thank you
Hang in there, brother. If you ever wanna talk about anything you've run into, please know you're welcome to DM me on twitter. That's a tough thing to go through.
I can't express how reassuring this is. It's so good. So warm and fuzzy and welcoming. I'm a little bit teary-eyed. I'm watching this from recommended after your "manosphere is destined to fail" video. Watching that, it hadn't occurred to me that you're trans. And adding that you didn't get to start making changes until you were 29 (unless I misheard that) is. Ah. In some way, it feels weird, because I know it has to do with material conditions for a lot of people such as myself. I'm transmasc NB at 27 and would've started 2+ years ago if my circumstances allowed for it. It feels like ass, not having the means to escape a situation that's actively crushing but nobody in my physical proximity believes it's crushing because I don't pitch huge fits about it. Say too much and it's "why are you making such a big deal out of this?" Don't say anything and they'll brush it off like they didn't say some of the most hateful, disturbing shit I've heard in my life. That someone's already performed enough, that we shouldn't have to carve out space when we just want to take up space that we were allotted but never truly filling. I simply. Ugh. It's so smart to put it that way. You sound so patient and smart and compassionate and I really appreciate that. The way you explained things in here reminds me of things I'd say to someone else but don't yet have the means to put in practice myself and I desperately needed to hear them. Like, an unreasonable amount. It's good. You're good. A good seed. Dog bless. Edit: I lied, at the point of acknowledging dissociation and living outside your body I did in fact shed incredibly masculine tears
We love incredibly masculine tears around here. And thank you for sharing all this-having to process that feeling of being forced to wait on just being yourself and being comfortable in what is already an intense time (starting transition or coming out) is exhausting. Add that to having to walk the fine line between “why didn’t you say anything?” and “why are you so upset?” and *oof.* I wish I could say I was always patient and calm about this, but I had my angry phase, and I mourned things I didn’t know I’d need to mourn. But I learned from it, and If I can help my trans siblings avoid any additional pain, I am there. We deserve thriving and joy, and I hope your future is full of both. 💙
Bellamy and Finn are two of precious few (like a dozen, tops lol) who made me wish I used Twitter. Most of the time I'm 100% happy with my decision to just say no. 😉 I'll stick with the algorithmic hellscape of UA-cam I guess.
Gotta say, I was thinking about a name for a long time (the name my parents would have given me were I AMAB). It didn’t quite fit, but I went with a variation of the name that suits me nicely.
I thought: I have been transitioning for 18 whole big months and this topic is totally irrelevant to me! I thought: I'll just put this nice video on in the background for the algorithm while I potter around doing housework, avoiding mirrors, and pretending I don't have a body! But #8 hit me so hard. Lately I've been convinced that the hormones stopped working somehow (I mean, they might have, it took them a year to get into the normal range) and it's very difficult to not continually scrutinise a body that is changing, but hasn't changed enough.
I did something similar when I was younger- still am very young ngl- but I gave into peer pressure and went by a nickname I was just kinda *handed*- I feel like I just kinda grew out of that name. I now go by Luka because I like the meaning of the name, People did help me with my name but I had only expressed my newly discovered discomfort with my old chosen name and they just gave me options I could research and choose for myself It was lovely. My own name still makes me smile- I sometimes ask google what my name is just so it will address me as my chosen name-
this seemed like a good video, ive probably heard most of it before but its good advice. im not really a fan of my name but idk what i would rather have it be so its good enough for now i guess.
Just a 50-something cis woman, curious about all sorts of things that are pissing right wing Americans off, & UA-cam brought me you. So, I’ve watched a few of your videos - really interesting, level headed, persuasive, reassuring,… all the good things. For the community, you’re doing a great job. For me personally, I just find your voice incredibly soothing. Haha, I hope that’s not condescending, because, like I said, also very interesting 👍
As a parent of a trans youth, I appreciate hearing this, not only to keep an eye out for things my child might go through, but more importantly for me to make sure I keep in mind for myself and others around them so that we can be the support we want to be.
Two days ago, I watched your video on positive masculinity. It was a good video. Today this video was in my recommendations. Interesting, I did peg you as LGBTI+ in the first video, being LGBTI+ myself (G), but not as trans. Not that this matters, I just wanted to express this. Also, I find this a very good video. You have a very calming voice in both the video's I saw. Everything in life has this aspect of "things I wished I knew before." I don't fully understand; you're not a therapist, part of this video. You are the "ervaringsdeskundige" literal translation experiences expert, but there are different ways to translate the term, all giving a slightly different sentiment to what I try to express with a word/label. [This doesn't make you a therapist - but something else, maybe even more valuable.] And also want to stress my experience and how I took it is as a gay cis man. Also pulling in the - coming out - aspect, which sounded similar to other labels of LGBTI+ and coming outs. It's a process, and you don't do it once and then it's over with, also depending on changing social circles, but you don't have to walk around with the sticker on your chest: Hello I'm LGBTI+. And for others we seem to have been born with that label on our chest. I had been labeled gay as a child, and while growing up, long before I realized I was gay. You might not have the tools and knowledges the therapist has (or has excess to) yet, however, every therapist/psychologist/psychiatric I met told me I am the expert in my own life, my own experiences and my personal views and ways of processing the world. (In short) They are like mentors that give tools, but it's on you to do something, and what you do with it. And I've also had bad therapists, just wanted to point that out, not every therapist is good or good for you and your problems. I rather have female than male therapists, many male therapists I had are very heteronormative in mind sets. Maybe it also depends on the therapists that are available to you. Also, part of this is processing and accepting who you are, my psychological development in my life has been more "negative", and this is me - I can't change the facts and experiences, I had a blue-print I was born with, and my environment made some adaptions to this and formed me into, this - me - as I am, sitting here and typing. Our societies don't deal well with diversities, from cultural and ethnic to sexual to neurological, it's all "deviant" to them, even if normal is a myth. And especially for the trans community good psychological help is recommended, it is part of the process of your coming out most of the time. Also, to limit the very small numbers of detransitioners with regrets. [I know this is a touchy subject at the moment.] And a neutral third party with personal problems being discussed and handled with, is always good to have. Family therapy, and the likes. Therapy is not just for you, it should be regarding your whole direct family, and actually society and the social dynamics. This last thing, the society, is not what a therapist does, this is more along the lines of an activist regarding society. But not all parents go along with what is best. And in the USA there is this theocratic/political discussion on what is best at the moment. Pulling magnifying glasses over things that have gone wrong, or only highlighting some aspects and setting things in a different light. Which seems to be getting a lot of attention, influence and power. I had to learn a lot about myself, and the societies - which brings me to education/schooling/academics. I had to learn a lot, but my social-economic standing was not what gave me all the access to that knowledge out there; this was the internet, libraries, social media, and the LGBTI+ communities I had access to/with. After I had done this, and still am doing this - I gave inclusive sexual education/workshops - with the COC the main LGBTI+ interest organization in the Netherlands, this was voluntary. My way of trying to make the world a little bit better. And it is not as how the right puts it how these types of educations go, at least not how we did it in the Netherlands. My experience - children, kids, teens, know more than the adults want to acknowledge. And often what they know is not fully correct, because it hasn't been fully and correctly talked about, pushing these topics of conversations to "later", if they are older. If people have misconceptions on you, or people, things close to you; you can either take it or set things straight. Maybe I should point out, English is not my first language, maybe this was already pegged. I am from a different time and country/nation then you are, with similarity in culture and differences. My coming out was not easy, and not perfect, and I have parental estrangement, let's make that familiar estrangement. And life sucks, it didn't really get much better for me personally also not worse, but there are a lot of societal changes that I view positive, and some that can be negative. I'm from 1980, I started my coming out towards friends in 1999, and came out to my parents during a fight in 2003. Had my same sex marriage in 2004 and was divorced in 2007. My (current) partner and I are almost 12 years together. In the fight my sister outed me, and I agreed - didn't want to lie and deceive anymore, and be true to myself, knowing it could cost me dearly. I got kicked out of the house, and that was my coming out. I got excommunicated, etc. I tried to keep contact with my parents, but it didn't work, cutting ties at times can be the best thing to do according to therapists. This might be one of the only things I regret. Burning that bridge for my own protection. Lately overshadowed by more negative news, and aspects, especially in the USA, but this ripples out over the globe and other mostly western countries. On the other hand, US shows similarity to the Russian approach of anti-LGBTQ+ promotion (laws), which also found footing in eastern European countries, like Hungary and Poland. I find it strange when people talk about European features & whiteness - since there is a lot of diversity within this European-ness. Europeans are not exactly as "Americans" (Unisons) - also not very different. It all depends on how close you want to look, and the details you consider taking in or leaving out. But on the other hand, generalization is not a foreign concept for me either. With the masculine & feminine - social constructs, and biological differences - and different ethnicities and cultures, just show there is not one cookie cutter that cuts all, and all this diversity still can have its place in the order of things. Community & love - not everyone will find the connections in the community, and that is a thing we should acknowledge. Especially in the past, there were more traumatized humans in the LGBTI+ community than in current times with different cultural climates, kids coming out at 15 etc. Back in the days this wasn't really an option. The LGBTI+ community is not a monolith, and it can also depend on the location you are at. Being gay in South Limburg is different than being gay in Amsterdam, as an example. My community showed more interest in me when I was 20 then now that I am in my 40's, and lasting connection on the long run was not the goal the majority had, in my view and experience. But this can also be on me and how my youth formed me. Looks & bodies; - change - age I find it sad we have so much focus on the packaging but not what is inside, in general in our societies. Obsession with looks, even grew as cosmetic surgeries became more available to the public in the 80's & 90's. So many stories of models that lost their looks, and this not being the end of the day for all of them. Models & actresses shelve lives. We age regardless weather you had the 80's face lift of the 90's - everything is dated, that's how it works in this reality of time and space continuum.
A+ Here I am at my own small "like and comment and subscribe" bomb. I'm doing all that I can to progress your brand on youtube, with likes, comments, and watch time on all of the videos. I love your content and I hope that you blow up in the same way that other creators of your caliber have done. I'd love to see you keep making videos with Fiq the Signifier and ThoughtSlime in the next year! Good luck to you my friend, I have done all of the algorithm things that I can. And if you have a patreon, I'll contribute to that too!
Thank you so much! I can’t tell you how much your support means to me. 💙 I do have a Patreon, but encourage people to contribute only if they comfortably can. Just being here and engaging helps so much.
i have yet again lost the yearning to have been born a ciswoman and i dont know what to do. without that yearning how am i to know im trans? what is going on with my gender?
I hear so many trans people saying that they experienced so much pain from someone rejecting them after they came out, people unwilling to SEE them when they are finally stepping into who they are, people dismissing their transness.
I want to say that as someone who is trans but also comes from a toxic family system, those people are not just rejecting you for being trans. It is not your transness that is making them toxic.
Those people were NEVER able to truly see you, never tried to truly see you, and always wanted u to be someone else than who you were (completely separate from gender) for their own benefit.
I think that coming out as trans can bring peoples toxicity to the surface, but the toxicity was always there and if you weren’t trans, something else would have brought that toxicity out of them.
Your transness didn’t make them reject you; they just don’t know how to see ANYONE for who they are.
Yes. All of this comment. They're not going to change. And you will never change yourself enough to be good enough for those people, my friends.
I already knew my family of origin was toxic and did not see or accept me for who I was long before I came out, as much as they'd tried to deny it for years on end. I'd been scared of coming out and kept myself from really looking at my gender for 5 years because I knew that they would not see me (transphobic jokes aside). I asked for years on end before I had questions about my gender and after why they didn't love me for who I was and why they didn't take a genuine interest in me.
It will never matter how much you give, they are incapable of returning it. Respect yourself enough to be who you are and demand better for yourself. They only want another piece for their set. What kind of set doesn't matter, what matters is they only see something is missing from where they think something should be rather than seeing you and your value.
Show yourself just as much if not more love than you showed these people over the years. You deserve it and have been wrongfully denied it for too long.
@@thenameiswater2921 Thanks for posting this. We are all healing and it sounds like u r making good progress.
I actually recently heard a therapist say “toxic family systems can only see their family members for their role within the system (enabler, scapegoat, golden child, lost child etc.) are cannot see people beyond that.”
It’s really sad but it really made sense of my experience. My mom says she misses me (I’m not out to her) but she never took interest in me when I was there. She misses me being the scapegoat and me using all of my energy trying to save them and convince myself that they were worthy of being saved. I don’t do that anymore.
My prayer and hope is that we can all find true family, in whatever form that takes, and have lots of love in our lives. No more begging people to love us, just an infinite exchange of love. How wonderful would that be?
Happy holidays ! ❄️🌟🌱
Video featuring a trans man starts with I'm unpacking. I laughed so hard I wasn't expecting that XD
Lmfao! I wish I could say it was intentional. 😂
yeah, absolutely thought this was going to be the "these thoughts are still in progress" type of unpacking, not the "I can't kind some of my audio gear" type 😆
😆🤠💜
Wait, he only meant physical unpacking? Cuz I feel any transition video is gonna be about unpacking lol
> It's not too late
I'm in my 40s, I was 35 when I publicly changed pronouns. I've got a friend who's in his 60s coming out. You got this.
And, current challenge: being a little older, in a more conservative location, it's hard to find my "elders" - indeed, I tend to BE the elder that a lot of the young trans masc and nonbinary folks refer to. Which is good and I enjoy being there for them, but also, there are the conversations about what's happening with my life, career, and body that the 19-year-old isn't going to get.
@@EldestMillennial Trans people who come out after 30 definitely face a lot of challenges specific to their age demographic--like marriage, kids, and career things. These conversations definitely need to be had, thank you for bringing up your experience.
I was 39 when I came out as nonbinary, I am going towards 41 now and still haven't talked to anyone about a possible name change, not even the other parent of my kids and my legally wed spouse of over 10 years. Firstly because I feel awkward being a nonbinary stereotype in that regard and considering taking the name of an inanimate object that means very much to me, but also because here in Germany, I might be privileged regarding my safety in public spaces compared to many places around the globe including the US, it seems, but because the legal process of changing one's name is otherworldly tedious and bizarre here, no matter the reason. For that alone, I would need a psychologist's expert opinion that it is needed for my continued wellbeing, and I would have to deal with the costs and hassle of changing a lifetime's worth of legal documents, which is simply beyond my reach.
So far, my experiences were very positive, with adults and children alike. My children in particular go out of their way to call me Mapa (a portmanteau of the German words for mum and dad) whenever I look stressed out or feel dysphoric or they really want to be on my good side for some reason or another.
The very best thing for me, though, was the change in other people's reaction to my just being there. Men in public spaces especially seem to factor my existence and presence into the mental map of their surroundings, I am no longer a nonfactor or some sort of material ghost for them, and women aren't weirded out by me or afraid of me, because I no longer feel like I am unconvincingly cosplaying my agab. Even when I outed myself very explicitly with the other parents of my second child's daycare group, noone felt uncomfortable or any worse just because I don't fit a standard issue mold. I am so grateful for this experience and nearly every day I celebrate the mental burden I don't have to carry around any more.
tl, dr: I am in my forties, married with children and the reactions so far to me coming out as nonbinary were great! If you feel safe enough to be yourself, do it. Most of us aren't talented enough actors to convince people of anything else anyway 😉🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈
Edit: various autocorrect fails
I came out in my mid 30s. In a voice class I met a woman who came out at like 60. You could literally be on your deathbed and I'd still say transition as much as you can. Even a few days of being yourself is infinitely better than zero days.
"Mistakes do not need to be cleared in advance." That makes me feel a lot better about ending things with an ex who ostensibly used the right language but still treated me as if I was a cis woman.
One of the biggest barriers to transition is: economic reasons. Many trans people who wish to transition in some way (even if it's just let's say top surgery) can take many years to transition because of that or because they can't afford to have their own place and their parents are making their lives a living hell. Just wanted to point it because trans people are one of the most precarious in economic means of the lgtbia comunity.
This!
I actually have to compromise on my identity in order to have housing. I can't just move out to avoid it, so I have to accept their unacceptance and play nice to stay safe. ://
The thing about being assertive about your name and pronouns without any "it's ok if you mess up" is definitely true.
I had a friend do the "it's ok" thing for about a year and people just kept using the wrong pronouns until I blew up at one convo about it and told them that it is not ok.
After that the other friends started putting effort into actually changing their behaviour.
Now I only have to start doing that for myself...😅
It sucks that it's so much harder to step up for yourself than it is to step up for others.
Reclaiming what's mine.
Had to write that down. Cause that to me was the most important point to hear. I'm in an environment that keeps telling me I'm losing myself. That transitioning will cause them to be unable to see who I am anymore or that it's a loss of control somehow. But all these things are what I would describe my puberty with. Losing myself, unable to be seen by others, already happened. This is about reclaiming who I truly am and showing it to others.
This is was very helpful in making sense of my own headspace.
I'm currently in the "diagnostic" stage of my transition - so far it has been a year of being doubted on my identity over and over, of invasive and archaic questionnaires, of being treated like I am both a murder victim and the killer, of being forced (and forcing myself) into the medically acceptable, pathologized version of transness which is extremely binary and based entirely on suffering. The main thing i've discovered along the way is that no matter how strong I had thought myself, no matter how much theory I'd read, this process still wears me down, and I find myself, a queer anarchist, with internalized transphobia that hadn't initially been there.
This was great - I’d add a note of my own that probably wasn’t a major thing holding me back (internalized transphobia did that very effectively), but did give me a lot of struggle when trying to figure out my gender identity.
I think it’s important to know that you don’t have to give up interests, hobbies, and friends that may be considered integral to your assigned gender, even at the expense of being perceived as non gender conforming in your true gender. I don’t think it was a big deal and when I was figuring out I was trans I kinda accepted that I might have to give up being into cars and tech and gaming and stuff, but I’m glad I’ve managed to reconcile that and integrate it into my new life.
For me it helped to realize how much of that is part of the social construct of gender and how if I had been born a girl but raised the way I was, I’d still probably get my love of cars and tech from my dad and find nerdy friends. It definitely doesn’t help me pass as a six foot tall woman in a sea of car guys or nerds, but it’s worth it because my gender doesn’t have anything to do with my interest in those things.
But yeah, despite finding great resources online, I wish I had known much more about being trans - the questioning, realization, the transition, the difficulties, the joy, etc. I still have yet to find an offline community and don’t know any trans people in person, but I’m figuring it out and it’s getting easier.
I didn’t think it was possible to get this far at all, but it’s only been a year and a half and I’m already more comfortable with myself and passably feminine than I thought was possible. I guess I did purposely set my expectations low, but jeez this estrogen stuff is pretty effective. What’s in this stuff?
This is such a good point. I can understand why so many trans people abandon hobbies and passions while they're early in transition because they're worried their interests will be misgendering, but we gotta combat interests being gendered in the first place.
@Anya-Prime sorry for this ootb comment months later but I love this comment! Ive always been into many different "masculine" hobbies my whole life, but I also used to be really into different needleworking craft type hobbies that I hadnt touched in years for being afraid of appearing "feminine". I've only just started sewing again and I still feel a little uneasy telling people that. I definitely still have a lot to unpack for myself, but reading your comment helps me feel better about that lol
I've already watched your video 8 times and I know I will come back to it. I hope it's not too late (!) to leave a comment.
I'm 54 and just starting to really figure out who I am, how I really feel about myself, my body, my gender, what I wish, and what I want. That's joyful as much as really confusing sometimes, and your point about mourning the lost time while not letting this interfere with the time that I still have is important to me, because that's still a hard thing to do for me. I haven't come out as non-binary yet, I don't want to rush things, and I sometimes have to fight hard against that "lost time" regret, in order to allow myself all the time and space I need. But I'll get there. Also, I have to admit that while I don't feel ashamed of who I am, I'm terrified of going through the coming out process again. I came out as lesbian almost 40 years ago, it went well, but I find this harder, probably because it feels more intimate. But I'll get there too.
Hope my comments are not depressing. Anyway, thank you so much for your video, and your channel. That's an important and beautiful work you're doing, this channel makes me feel safe :)
This comment isn’t depressing at all, I really appreciate you sharing it! Thank you so much for doing so, and congratulations on realizing your truth and exploring what that means-it can be hard to grapple with feelings of lost time while also not wanting to rush sharing details you yourself are still figuring out (or simply don’t want to, which is also completely understandable.)
I had a lot of difficulty coming out. By the time I did, I was 32, married, and had 2 kids. Even after realizing I was trans I stayed in the closet for years because I was terrified of losing my family. I actually came out to my husband during a panic attack. Turns out he was already pretty sure that I was trans in some way and was waiting for me to talk about it.
I had some awkwardness with my kids. They were 5 and 2 when I came out, so old enough that they're definitely going to notice things but young enough that it's difficult to explain. The thing that was hard for me was them calling me "Mommy." Being called a mother in any way was always massively dysphoric. But I didn't want to correct them on it, I just said that they could call me whatever they wanted (they had no trouble switching my pronouns, interestingly). I went a more roundabout way and asked others, like my husband and my parents, to refer to me as "Daddy." Not to correct my daughters, just to use a different title. It took a few months, but they did start calling me Daddy and now, 3 years later, it's completely natural. They even started saying "Big Daddy" and "Little Daddy" to differentiate between myself and my husband. And now they both think that the idea of me as anything other than a man is absurd. It literally makes them laugh because the thought of me as a woman is so strange to them.
I don't often hear from other trans people who were parents when they transitioned. Perhaps a part of that is people feeling that they have to stay in the closet for the sake of their families. I certainly felt that way. I'm so glad my husband slowly encouraged me to come out because denying my identity was what was actually damaging to myself and my family. Coming out and transitioning, while incredibly difficult, has made all of our lives, not just my own, better and happier.
I needed this. I had to get back in contact with the 2 narcs in my family of origin, and even talking to them occasionally, I feel like it's eroding my sense of self (to the point that I started occasionally misgendering myself in my own head and then feel like screaming and breaking something).
For the first time in my life I actually take care of myself, and it feels nice to really get ready and dress up for a party. At the same time, it sometimes feels like I'm letting go of the person I was, who got me to this point. Like they're slowly fading, dying to make room for someone I am much happier being. I feel better, happier, like coming home, or maybe finally going out. But I'm leaving someone behind. It's this weird melancholy that just overwhelms me sometimes.
Always happy when you release a video, dog bless ♥️
You are allowed to morn or have melechally for the future that never was or the pass that was but was not you. I did the same thing around year 2-3 of my transition. I had found a name for myself and started the process of making that name legal. I found myself so sad for the girl that was being erased and at the same time had been caring for so long. I wrote her a letter. Talking about morning that she had to disapear so I could live to be who I am now. In that letter I also thanked her for the good times. I look back on that letter now as I am the masc/nonbinary person I am and it gives me feelings and a small smile like when I look at a picture of a friend who passed away. Take your time. Hugs in your journey.
@@redwolf513-ze thank you ♥️
Love to see trans folks thriving out here in these youtube streets
I feel like I always needed people like you, a wiser friend or an older brother who knew how to help me.
As the older sister of the family, my journey has been kinda lonely and a lot of things I had to figure it out on my own. My gender identity is just one of those things and I'm happy to have found people like you, at least online.
You're on my top fav trans creators, just besides Natalie Wynn and Abigail Thorne
That is incredibly high praise, thank you so much. And having to find yourself on your own is so challenging, even when the rewards a grand. Be kind to yourself at every turn, please. 💙💙💙
The not being assertive about name and pronouns definatly is true for me. I have been at my job three years and they never knew me pre transition and I still get missgendered. I have taken alot of my time making space to be an educator on trans issues because I want to take the weight of others people trans or cis. I started to transition in my 30s and am taking a long time between the stages I set up for myself. I always tell anyone who ask me about trans stuff whether for themselves or for someone they care about to give time and grace. Being trans is hard but hard doesnt mean bad. I still fight with feeling that I am enough but then I look at how I have changed that I am alive and doing more than surviving and it makes me cry/laugh. I am still rebuilding from a lifetime of being someone I wasnt fo others and the damage that did to me. I have physical injuries that will never fully heal because I didnt take care of that body and now I have to learn to embrace them in this body. The people I have meet and the stories I have heard help me love being trans even when its the bad kind of hard. We need to talk more about than just pain, but I wish I had known some of the hard stuff when I started down this road so it would be easier to travel now. I will never fully fit in anywhere but I am so happy to be alive now. Im proud to be a they/he and making a space to be the person i am in this world.
"Being trans is hard but hard doesnt mean bad." is a perfect summary. Thank you for this comment, for putting your story out there.
That last comment about the loved ones who will *never* accept them for who they are was tough to hear-not surprising, but hard for sure. Thank you for another excellent video. We need a handsome dog sighting in your next piece.
Not one to leave personal info online, but this really gave me clarity on where I was struggling and how I should approach it, thank you
If someone purposely miss names you then miss name them. Do this till they get it right or go away.
Guys, I’m in my 40’s and just transitioning. You’re never too late.
I'm approaching my third year of transition and I still needed to see this one
you are TOTALLY a wizard :P you just don't know it yet
Yesssss!
thank you for this, particularly the part about softening boundaries & "pre-emptive excusing." needed to hear that ❤️❤️❤️
💙
Hey! Found you by scrolling through Chill Goblin's gender theory video's description. Kind of surprised you don't have more subscribers, keep up the good work and let's hope that algorithmic boost comes eventually! I am not trans, or queer for that matter, but you're very well-spoken and got me interested in a trans guy's perspective on gender. As someone who has lived through both experiences so to speak you probably have somewhat of a more neutral or at the very least unique perspective on those issues. I can kind of relate in the way that I grew up in a very religious household with a rigid, traditional worldview and now- well, I'm an atheist and more on the left side of the political spectrum. I know what it's like to be on either side of opposing ideologies. This allows me to see things in a way others cannot.
It's kind of funny to think that the community my parents belong to are still so hung up on the "wicked" nature of homosexuality. I think they would die of a heart attack learning that trans people exist.
When I was 13 there was an uproar going through that community when Austrian singer and fellow countryman Conchita Wurst (who isn't even trans lol) won the ESC. People were thinking the devil himself was at play and the endtimes were drawing close. Lots of misinformation going around as well (you cannot expect those people to know what drag is). But that's the first memorable experience I had of seeing someone who was presenting themselves outside of the norm. Understandably, I was appalled (as the only frame of reference I had at that times were the overwhelmingly negative reactions around me) but also somewhat intrigued. And the winning song was catchy as hell, I used to secretly play the music video when no one was looking lol.
To skip forward a bit, around the same time I veeery slowly started to lose my faith (around 17) with my introduction to anime I also learned about BL. Yes, I was well-sheltered. To keep it short, as many teenage girls I was very into it for some time. I know that not everything about BL is sunshine and rainbows, and there's lots of things to critique, but I really have to thank the genre for easing me into the idea of people expressing themselves outside of the heteronorm.
Well, that's my story. I am 21 now and I do think I have progressed quite a bit both in my understanding and acceptance of queer identities. I still have some deprogramming to do but that is kind of expected from spending a lifetime surrounded with prejudice and bigotry. That's where channels like yours come into play. To me you seem like someone who has come to terms with who they are as a person and judging from the way you reply to people's comments you're also really kind. Those qualities are really attractive to someone who as of now still feels like a jumbled mess and definitely not comfortable in myself. Please keep up the good work, I can see the positive influence you have on the people around you! ☀
We all have things to unlearn, and it’s hard work, but so rewarding. It sounds like (or so I hope) you’ve gotten to the point where it’s an inspiring process more often than not. I can imagine coming at it from a highly religious background is pretty challenging in the early days. Thank you so much for sharing, and for being here! 💙
Normalize changing names, I don't know how important it is to you, but names are very important as a 1+ word poem to and for and about myself. You are allowed to make your called-poetry as you see fit there's no time limit to the beauty you want to create for your life. I've accepted for now the magic of my name and I want to keep it in my life, but why should I settle for one name?
Ohhh the pronoun one is tough. Especially when people have been rude when I have tried to nicely correct them. And it's come from fellow trans/nonbinary people sometimes too.
The bit about names is so true! I'm in the process of changing names and the things you've suggested about trying things out beforehand are completely accurate!
It can be fun, too! I hope you've been enjoying the process.
Thank you for your channel. I found you from another fantastic you tuber called One Topic.
This was my first video of yours to watch and as a baby trans guy I can relate to so much of what you said. I came out about 3 years ago to myself after having a good friend of mine come out to me as a trans girl. I would say it cracked my egg. I then went on a binge of trans research, found you tubers and all sorts of resources. Most of my close friends accepted me even if they didn't understand it. My mam said the best thing to me recently when I had a bit of a breakdown. She said "I carried you inside me so il always be your mother no matter what". It was fear of my dad's rejection of me if I came out to him, even my mam, brother and dad's sister thought this.
Anyways I digress. I look forward to watching your other videos 🙂
First off. Last comment was endearing a.f.
But as for challenges. In a lot of ways the financial system and the lack of true safety and security really has been the biggest hurdle for me. Like I've always struggled with society as it is and I've been expected to eventually become safe and secure by myself. I just never succeeded in doing that and being trans made things even more difficult. I was afraid to try to get on disability in my 20s because I was scared I wouldn't be able to transition because there wasn't a law at the time to force coverage and it tended to be considered cosmetic. So I was expected to get a job. Live securely. Transition. Live full time as a typical woman for like a year and then maybe I'd get hrt. On top of that none of that was going to get rid of my dark, fast growing facial hair. Plus I had the pressure of knowing that my hairline was slowly receding and with the stereotypical trans woman being a masc bald woman I just...
So yeah...All in all I still don't have my life together but the system was awful and I'm glad it's different in some places to DSM IV days. Basically I'm overwhelmed now still with hoops to jump through and making sure I can survive. So if things suddenly work out for me just assume I won the lottery or something. >.<
Didn't mean to get too grim. I just...
I wouldn't take back any step forward to transitioning and finding myself. The stagnation, steps backward and massive desperation for 8-10 years I could do without.
You're not getting grim, you're being honest, and what you faced was bullshit. This is why trans care needs to be considered basic healthcare. No one should have to go through that.
Hair looks awesome, Finn. Good to see you!
2. I will correct people immediately if I get misnamed. "It's Alexandria," is the first thing I say when I can respond and then I move on. IF I can tell they are trying but they are messing up I generally say, "It's ok, I know you're trying. Some people will to it do try and hurt people, but I know that you aren't." They usually beat themselves up worse because it's a general social faux pas to misname someone. Particularly when they are gracious about the incident.
If they don't seem to be trying that hard, or the soft approach isn't working I stop responding. Usually after the 3rd time, with a little more pointed enunciation, I'll then not respond until someone calls my actual name. Does matter who it is. I just say, "That's not my name, I thought you were talking to someone else," as matter of factly as I can.
NOTE: There are neurodivergent people that find it rather to relabel people, either all people or just certain people. That's why I frame it like I do. Fair chance for everyone, and then act as matter-of-factly as I can in the moment so that honest actors get the lesson and dishonest actors look unreasonable.
Extra Sidenote: Just for that one neurodivergent person who thinks that they have an out: no you don't. If it is an issue for you simply explain and then DO BETTER. Trying and improving are the important parts and communication can take you a long way.
Big
Thank you, my friend! I hope you are, as well. 💙
Should have made my chosen name Sebastian Frickle Pickle 😔
It's not too late. 👀
Another baller video.
For the record, if you're ever unhappy with the name you chose, we will all love you though trying something new. ❤️❤️❤️
I love you, friend. Thank you for saying that. 💙
This loving exchange made me smile on a tough day.
I don’t have a lot to add to the conversation right now other than a thank you from a young trans guy who’s road to figuring out my identity has unfortunately been disrupted by transmedicalist narratives and other toxic views related to my trans identity. Just thank you
Hang in there, brother. If you ever wanna talk about anything you've run into, please know you're welcome to DM me on twitter. That's a tough thing to go through.
great point about the living in your body after dissociating from it
I can't express how reassuring this is. It's so good. So warm and fuzzy and welcoming. I'm a little bit teary-eyed.
I'm watching this from recommended after your "manosphere is destined to fail" video. Watching that, it hadn't occurred to me that you're trans. And adding that you didn't get to start making changes until you were 29 (unless I misheard that) is. Ah. In some way, it feels weird, because I know it has to do with material conditions for a lot of people such as myself. I'm transmasc NB at 27 and would've started 2+ years ago if my circumstances allowed for it. It feels like ass, not having the means to escape a situation that's actively crushing but nobody in my physical proximity believes it's crushing because I don't pitch huge fits about it. Say too much and it's "why are you making such a big deal out of this?" Don't say anything and they'll brush it off like they didn't say some of the most hateful, disturbing shit I've heard in my life.
That someone's already performed enough, that we shouldn't have to carve out space when we just want to take up space that we were allotted but never truly filling. I simply. Ugh. It's so smart to put it that way. You sound so patient and smart and compassionate and I really appreciate that. The way you explained things in here reminds me of things I'd say to someone else but don't yet have the means to put in practice myself and I desperately needed to hear them. Like, an unreasonable amount. It's good. You're good. A good seed. Dog bless.
Edit: I lied, at the point of acknowledging dissociation and living outside your body I did in fact shed incredibly masculine tears
We love incredibly masculine tears around here. And thank you for sharing all this-having to process that feeling of being forced to wait on just being yourself and being comfortable in what is already an intense time (starting transition or coming out) is exhausting. Add that to having to walk the fine line between “why didn’t you say anything?” and “why are you so upset?” and *oof.*
I wish I could say I was always patient and calm about this, but I had my angry phase, and I mourned things I didn’t know I’d need to mourn. But I learned from it, and If I can help my trans siblings avoid any additional pain, I am there. We deserve thriving and joy, and I hope your future is full of both. 💙
I love Bellamy.
I feel like I should yell that while taking the door off of a car and throwing it like a frisbee. 🤣💜
Bellamy is a freakin' gift to humanity, I adore her.
Bellamy and Finn are two of precious few (like a dozen, tops lol) who made me wish I used Twitter.
Most of the time I'm 100% happy with my decision to just say no. 😉 I'll stick with the algorithmic hellscape of UA-cam I guess.
bellamy is wonderful
Heartfelt and insightful video, you're an amazing content creator, And I'm so happy to be subscribed and a supporter of your work 💙💙💙
Gotta say, I was thinking about a name for a long time (the name my parents would have given me were I AMAB). It didn’t quite fit, but I went with a variation of the name that suits me nicely.
I thought: I have been transitioning for 18 whole big months and this topic is totally irrelevant to me! I thought: I'll just put this nice video on in the background for the algorithm while I potter around doing housework, avoiding mirrors, and pretending I don't have a body!
But #8 hit me so hard. Lately I've been convinced that the hormones stopped working somehow (I mean, they might have, it took them a year to get into the normal range) and it's very difficult to not continually scrutinise a body that is changing, but hasn't changed enough.
I did something similar when I was younger- still am very young ngl- but I gave into peer pressure and went by a nickname I was just kinda *handed*- I feel like I just kinda grew out of that name. I now go by Luka because I like the meaning of the name, People did help me with my name but I had only expressed my newly discovered discomfort with my old chosen name and they just gave me options I could research and choose for myself
It was lovely. My own name still makes me smile- I sometimes ask google what my name is just so it will address me as my chosen name-
This video came *right* on time!
always very informative, thank you!
Fantastic video Finn. I love all the videos you make
also, I now really want to meet Sebastian Fricklepickle and give him a good talking to. not cool man
Heckin' Sebastian.
Really good to hear this stuff
this seemed like a good video, ive probably heard most of it before but its good advice. im not really a fan of my name but idk what i would rather have it be so its good enough for now i guess.
I recommended you today to a young translad 🤠💜
That makes me so happy!
Just a 50-something cis woman, curious about all sorts of things that are pissing right wing Americans off, & UA-cam brought me you. So, I’ve watched a few of your videos - really interesting, level headed, persuasive, reassuring,… all the good things. For the community, you’re doing a great job. For me personally, I just find your voice incredibly soothing. Haha, I hope that’s not condescending, because, like I said, also very interesting 👍
As a parent of a trans youth, I appreciate hearing this, not only to keep an eye out for things my child might go through, but more importantly for me to make sure I keep in mind for myself and others around them so that we can be the support we want to be.
This makes me so happy to hear! 💙
There's not a lot I can contribute as a (bi) cis ally other than to say, there are people who love and value you as a person. 👋🏻
Finn, is it just me, or have you gained more muscle? Did you land an MCU roll and forget to tell me? One, of the X-Men perhaps?? Hmmm. I wonder 🤔
@Socksonat3am that's good too.
This is very helpful. Thank you!
Two days ago, I watched your video on positive masculinity. It was a good video. Today this video was in my recommendations. Interesting, I did peg you as LGBTI+ in the first video, being LGBTI+ myself (G), but not as trans. Not that this matters, I just wanted to express this. Also, I find this a very good video. You have a very calming voice in both the video's I saw.
Everything in life has this aspect of "things I wished I knew before."
I don't fully understand; you're not a therapist, part of this video.
You are the "ervaringsdeskundige" literal translation experiences expert, but there are different ways to translate the term, all giving a slightly different sentiment to what I try to express with a word/label. [This doesn't make you a therapist - but something else, maybe even more valuable.]
And also want to stress my experience and how I took it is as a gay cis man.
Also pulling in the - coming out - aspect, which sounded similar to other labels of LGBTI+ and coming outs.
It's a process, and you don't do it once and then it's over with, also depending on changing social circles, but you don't have to walk around with the sticker on your chest: Hello I'm LGBTI+. And for others we seem to have been born with that label on our chest.
I had been labeled gay as a child, and while growing up, long before I realized I was gay.
You might not have the tools and knowledges the therapist has (or has excess to) yet,
however, every therapist/psychologist/psychiatric I met told me I am the expert in my own life, my own experiences and my personal views and ways of processing the world. (In short) They are like mentors that give tools, but it's on you to do something, and what you do with it.
And I've also had bad therapists, just wanted to point that out, not every therapist is good or good for you and your problems.
I rather have female than male therapists, many male therapists I had are very heteronormative in mind sets.
Maybe it also depends on the therapists that are available to you.
Also, part of this is processing and accepting who you are, my psychological development in my life has been more "negative", and this is me - I can't change the facts and experiences, I had a blue-print I was born with, and my environment made some adaptions to this and formed me into, this - me - as I am, sitting here and typing. Our societies don't deal well with diversities, from cultural and ethnic to sexual to neurological, it's all "deviant" to them, even if normal is a myth.
And especially for the trans community good psychological help is recommended, it is part of the process of your coming out most of the time.
Also, to limit the very small numbers of detransitioners with regrets. [I know this is a touchy subject at the moment.]
And a neutral third party with personal problems being discussed and handled with, is always good to have.
Family therapy, and the likes. Therapy is not just for you, it should be regarding your whole direct family, and actually society and the social dynamics.
This last thing, the society, is not what a therapist does, this is more along the lines of an activist regarding society.
But not all parents go along with what is best. And in the USA there is this theocratic/political discussion on what is best at the moment.
Pulling magnifying glasses over things that have gone wrong, or only highlighting some aspects and setting things in a different light.
Which seems to be getting a lot of attention, influence and power.
I had to learn a lot about myself, and the societies - which brings me to education/schooling/academics.
I had to learn a lot, but my social-economic standing was not what gave me all the access to that knowledge out there; this was the internet, libraries, social media, and the LGBTI+ communities I had access to/with.
After I had done this, and still am doing this - I gave inclusive sexual education/workshops - with the COC the main LGBTI+ interest organization in the Netherlands, this was voluntary. My way of trying to make the world a little bit better. And it is not as how the right puts it how these types of educations go, at least not how we did it in the Netherlands.
My experience - children, kids, teens, know more than the adults want to acknowledge. And often what they know is not fully correct, because it hasn't been fully and correctly talked about, pushing these topics of conversations to "later", if they are older.
If people have misconceptions on you, or people, things close to you; you can either take it or set things straight.
Maybe I should point out, English is not my first language, maybe this was already pegged.
I am from a different time and country/nation then you are, with similarity in culture and differences.
My coming out was not easy, and not perfect, and I have parental estrangement, let's make that familiar estrangement.
And life sucks, it didn't really get much better for me personally also not worse,
but there are a lot of societal changes that I view positive, and some that can be negative.
I'm from 1980, I started my coming out towards friends in 1999, and came out to my parents during a fight in 2003.
Had my same sex marriage in 2004 and was divorced in 2007. My (current) partner and I are almost 12 years together.
In the fight my sister outed me, and I agreed - didn't want to lie and deceive anymore, and be true to myself, knowing it could cost me dearly.
I got kicked out of the house, and that was my coming out. I got excommunicated, etc.
I tried to keep contact with my parents, but it didn't work, cutting ties at times can be the best thing to do according to therapists.
This might be one of the only things I regret. Burning that bridge for my own protection.
Lately overshadowed by more negative news, and aspects, especially in the USA, but this ripples out over the globe and other mostly western countries.
On the other hand, US shows similarity to the Russian approach of anti-LGBTQ+ promotion (laws), which also found footing in eastern European countries, like Hungary and Poland.
I find it strange when people talk about European features & whiteness - since there is a lot of diversity within this European-ness.
Europeans are not exactly as "Americans" (Unisons) - also not very different. It all depends on how close you want to look, and the details you consider taking in or leaving out. But on the other hand, generalization is not a foreign concept for me either.
With the masculine & feminine - social constructs, and biological differences - and different ethnicities and cultures, just show there is not one cookie cutter that cuts all, and all this diversity still can have its place in the order of things.
Community & love - not everyone will find the connections in the community, and that is a thing we should acknowledge.
Especially in the past, there were more traumatized humans in the LGBTI+ community than in current times with different cultural climates, kids coming out at 15 etc. Back in the days this wasn't really an option.
The LGBTI+ community is not a monolith, and it can also depend on the location you are at.
Being gay in South Limburg is different than being gay in Amsterdam, as an example.
My community showed more interest in me when I was 20 then now that I am in my 40's,
and lasting connection on the long run was not the goal the majority had, in my view and experience.
But this can also be on me and how my youth formed me.
Looks & bodies; - change - age
I find it sad we have so much focus on the packaging but not what is inside, in general in our societies.
Obsession with looks, even grew as cosmetic surgeries became more available to the public in the 80's & 90's.
So many stories of models that lost their looks, and this not being the end of the day for all of them. Models & actresses shelve lives.
We age regardless weather you had the 80's face lift of the 90's - everything is dated, that's how it works in this reality of time and space continuum.
🐐🐐🐐
Edit: you’re the best, great vid
❤
A+
Here I am at my own small "like and comment and subscribe" bomb. I'm doing all that I can to progress your brand on youtube, with likes, comments, and watch time on all of the videos. I love your content and I hope that you blow up in the same way that other creators of your caliber have done. I'd love to see you keep making videos with Fiq the Signifier and ThoughtSlime in the next year! Good luck to you my friend, I have done all of the algorithm things that I can. And if you have a patreon, I'll contribute to that too!
Thank you so much! I can’t tell you how much your support means to me. 💙 I do have a Patreon, but encourage people to contribute only if they comfortably can. Just being here and engaging helps so much.
I think 5 is correct for everyone :)
TRUE.
I'm sorry for the shallow comment but you're so handsome
💜💜💜
But what if I want to be Doritos shaped Finn? >:( Lmao
Good video!
Journal abt urself in 3rd person!
i'm claude, claude bonadea, after ancient trans icon, clodius
Yeah my boy Sebastian from Twelfth Night is a sweet poly bi king; fr #notallsebastians
I think Orsino is the closest to fitting that description...?
i have yet again lost the yearning to have been born a ciswoman and i dont know what to do. without that yearning how am i to know im trans? what is going on with my gender?
Hello!
Hiya!