Hello!!! Big video!!!! A few things: 1) transphobia will get you shot into the sun 2) Brie and I both watched multiple rounds of cuts on this vid and she approved this video at every step of the way! Please don't infantilize her, it bugs her! 3) don't read too much into my swerving the kiss at the end, Brie is wearing a lip stain that I know from ~experience~ is hard to get off my face. Anyway HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!
I literally paused this video and asked my husband if he had any feelings after I figured my sexuality out. We'd been together 9 years and had just got married when it all clicked in my own head (my therapist says it's probably because for the first time I felt safe enough to ponder). He was like "I knew it long before you did, and I had plenty of time to come to terms with it, but it didn't change how much I wanted to be with you" and I melted a bit.
thats what my husband said to me when i came out biromantic/sexual and just want to dress more androgynous but i do love being a woman i just wasnt very femme ive been with him for 17 years he already knew i just had to process it he said as long as im enough for you, it doesnt change how i feel about you i literally cried hes too good i love him to bits glad you had the same with yours
Came here to comment this. As someone who has had a marriage end - this is a hundred percent what went wrong for us. Wishing Bree and Kristen all the best as you continue to grow together
So much truth!! Love this so much! I think more marriages would survive if this was taught more openly, and if we could patient with our spouses when they are trying to be transparent about something that feels big and scary.
My partner came out as a trans man and we recently had to break up because of the growing apart from not processing together....it breaks my heart. And talking about the grief too and needing to acknowledge that, especially with how unsafe men can make me feel due to trauma ...I wish people talked about this more. And I'm so beyond grateful you all shared about this because it's definitely not talked about nearly enough
Sorry to hear that. I transitioned in my teens (internalised homophobia) and lost my bf in the process. I detransed later and I miss the relationship so much but had surgery since
@@dovegoddess1100 and it wouldn't be tough for a gay man to have a partner who transitions to female? or a straight woman whose partner transitions to female ? or really any combination? Nope, just tough for lesbians I guess.
The visibility you two bring is so important! I identified as a gay man for close to 18 years when my partner came out as trans. I realized very quickly that I was in love with the person and not her gender. Thank you both for using your platform for this!
It sounds so normal that it is difficult to understand that we did not think like this loooong time ago. Thank you for putting this thought into words.
Thank you for saying this. Kinda on, kinda off topic, but it feels like bi and pan people still get piled on and questioned and even reviled, but it's actually very simple. We love the wine (person) and not their label (gender).
@@nervousbabbs2769of course love is about the person. But if gender wasn’t important wouldn’t exist gays, lesbians, straights. So is not as black and white as you picture it . People can love everyone (despiste genders), but cannot feel sexual desire for everyone (unless you are bissexual or pansexual). If I have a partner who transitions, I will always support the person, but not in a sexual way. I am straight, so I will always need a boyfriend or husband to fulfill my sexual needs. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love the person, just means I can’t have a romantic person with a woman. And that’s okay too. We should all be tolerant and emphatic , but let’s not say gender doesn’t matter just because doesn’t matter for a few people.
My fiancé came out to me a few years ago a little bit after you posted the video about Brie coming out. You guys have no idea how much these videos helped. It’s amazing to know that you’re not alone in these feelings and experiences. I can gladly say that me and my fiancé Claire are amazing and happily planning our 2025 wedding.
THANK YOU for addressing the two weird extremes when you look for “my partner is transitioning, what now” advice. My partner and I also experienced similar friction, especially when I felt I couldn’t talk to her or that she wasn’t able to talk to anyone else. Like any other big life event there’s so many ups and downs and complex feelings for both partners, and that all should be normal! Like you said, recognizing feelings that are harder to handle without getting violent and cruel. Y’all rock, thank you again for sharing.
That last part - “If I get cancelled then Brie won’t have a place to live…” plus Brie’s sad face plus the gray screen shift PLUS the violin- cracked me up ahahahahaha. But thank you both for sharing your journey! I’m not married or trans but I found this super insightful!! ❤❤
Kristin: “A marriage cannot be about one person.” Brie: “It can’t. Not even when that person is Kristin.” When I tell you I CACKLED -- (I love the banter that exists between you two)
’m also a cis woman with a transfemme long term partner. I absolutely love and support her but it was so hard to go through that “grief” feeling alone when she first came out. I felt like it was selfish of me to have difficult feelings about her transition so I never said anything because I was terrified of hurting her. Though it’s not my experience, you are so right that with a life partner everything is something you go through together. We eventually had the necessary hard conversations and worked through our feeling. Our relationship is now stronger because of it, but in the moment we totally felt alone. So thank you for talking about your experience so other couples don’t feel so alone in their experiences ❤️😊
If you decide to renew your vows, you could take the original photo with your grandmother and your favorite photo together from your renewals and hire an artist to paint a portrait of the three of you together. Or hire a wedding painter to paint at the renewal and provide a photo of your grandmother to include amongst the guests. I know you said in the video of Brie trying on wedding dresses that you didn't have any plans to do a renewal, but others in a similar situation may be reading the comments and might find the idea useful, perhaps.
It's a shame that Kristen can't display her favorite wedding photo that includes her deceased grandma. She has made so many sacrifices in accepting Brie's transition. Brie could be gracious and allow Kristen to display that one photo.
We talked like a year or so ago on twitter in the DMs because my partner came out as wanting to transition around when you and brie got public... my partner is finally getting started. We finally have a timeline since her health is doing better. So I guess just thank you. Cause processing alone is so hard.
Now THIS is couple goals! Not because there was no friction or everything was sunshine and rainbows. It's goals because you're learning to build strong communication which will lead to a closer relationship. I admire the hard work you're putting into your marriage
This is such an important video. When my partner came out I did what Kristin did and ofc Googled with the same end result. It was either you accept and go on with it without any kind of friction or you choose violence. I shoved all my thoughts and worries to the side to 100% support my partner, and it almost destroyed our relationship. Thankfully we came to the same conclusion and realised we both had to process it together. The grieving part really struck a chord as well. It's so spot on and I've never been able to put those feelings into words before. It's exactly what I felt in the beginning, but was shamed for trying to express.
1) You are absolutely correct, you don’t owe anybody your story, AND 2) by choosing to share as much as you’re comfortable with, you’re giving such a huge gift to the community, and I feel so grateful to receive it! BIG LOVE 🧡
"when you don't process with someone, you're choosing to grow in a separate direction" is such a perfect statement for just relationships in general. This was such a neat and open conversation.
As a straight cis female who knows nothing about the LGBTQ community, I was curious about this topic, but out of respect for your privacy I would never ask for you to share. But I'm so glad you decided to cover the topic because it helps me to understand better! 🥰
Yes! I am so glad they talked about this because so much of what we've seen has been their healthy supportive side (which of course is wonderful) but always left me wondering how on earth they made the transition so smoothly like it was almost easy. Glad to know I wasn't crazy for thinking that would be a big deal even in the most loving and supportive relationships.
I’m glad there was a discussion about Kristian’s side of dealing with this. Many people focus on the trans person side with the expectation that their spouse should carry them through the transition and they should have no issues. It’s a huge change and isn’t healthy to rely 100% on the spouse like Kristian says. Even small changes like a new job or moving stresses a relationship, so of course finding out you SO is trans would rock the relationship. I’m glad they worked their way through and are happy with each other
As someone who is ~2 months into the journey with their transitioning wife, I found so much comfort and solace in this video. I truly needed to hear a lot of this advice, and it is so hard finding people who understand this not super common experience. And like u said, it’s wonderful to find some reasonable and relatable advice that fits the spectrum of emotion rather than the harsh binary of either instant total harmony or violence and hatred. There is so much more to it but not many resources. Love ya!!
It’s been amazing seeing Brie’s transition and into a happy confident women and feeling so brave course so brave and I appreciate Brie so much and amazing inspiring and incredible person 💔💔💔💞❤️❤️💖❤️💚💘💘💝💙💝💘💝💝💙🧡🧡💛💛💛💖💖❤️🖤💞💞💔💜💝💚💚💚💚💙💙💙💙💝💘💜💜💜💜🧡💚💛💛💖💛💖💖
"You're grieving the loss of what your life used to be". These are powerful words that apply to more than your situation. During the pandemic as I find myself growing and my dynamic with my family changing, I find myself grieving past moments of my life. My past dynamic with my mother as well as a part of my life where I presented as more feminine. I've been struggling with how to feel comfortable in my body and with my style as a result with the relationship I have with my body. My family has been an incredible support system as I've made small navigations but there are times they still don't understand. And I've been afraid to reach out to a therapist. But recently I've found myself more focused on the grief. That's why the videos of your journey with this have been refreshing and comforting. Thank you for sharing with us and all the best wishes for your continued journey into this new life.
15:04 I’m so happy that Brie mentioned finding a community because you can have great friends but to relate some experiences, you feel like you’re speaking in a different language but the Support Group/Community puts things into perspective. WE NEED AFFIRMATION.
i have not checked on y’all since buzzfeed and let me say, as a trans bisexual, this was a wonderful video to come back to y’all with. it’s very nice to see a real genuine talk between life partners about how one partner transitioning affects/ effected the two of you. thank you both
Not that anyone ever owes sharing this much but I want to thank you both so much for your brave and open and honesty. I love you both- and I really admired how you two have been navigating this, but it also helps to know that you also had difficulties and both put in work to heal and evolve your relationship. P.S. both of your dresses are so dang cute! ❤
When you announced Brie’s transition everything seemed so perfect and seamless that I was curious how everything actually went for Kristin in particular. Thank you for sharing. You both look lovely in this video, you have the same hair! Couple goals!
“If there’s a book you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it” Thank you for sharing your experience to be a resource for others that didn’t exist for you ❤
I know this is supposed to be a more serious video but I absolutely want to say I am loving Brie's pink bows, black choker and grey velvet dress combination, it reminds me of Marina and the Diamond's Electric heart era. Kristin is very much giving the Electric Heart vibes too.
OMG Kristen, as someone with a partner who came out as trans, there is NOTHING online about what you should do as the partner of a trans person.. I love this story and thank you soo much for talking about it. It really allowed me to know that there other couples out there going through the same thing. any your point about grief is super important as well :) big love to you and Brie !! thank you again !!
Autogynephilia (derived from Greek for "love of oneself as a woman"[13][a]) is a term coined by Blanchard[14][28][15] for "a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female",[13][29] intending for the term to refer to "the full gamut of erotically arousing cross-gender behaviors and fantasies".[13] Blanchard states that he intended the term to subsume transvestism, including for sexual ideas in which feminine clothing plays only a small or no role at all.[30] Other terms for such cross-gender fantasies and behaviors include automonosexuality, eonism, and sexo-aesthetic inversion.[28] Blanchard distinguishes between "the existence or nonexistence of autogynephilia", which he describes as settled, and theoretical statements advanced by him "at one time or another", including several major components of his typology.[3] Blanchard writes that the accuracy of these theories needs further empirical research to resolve.[3]: 445 Subtypes Blanchard identified four types of autogynephilic sexual fantasy,[28] but stated that co-occurrence of types was common.[31]: 72-73 [8]: 19-20 Transvestic autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of wearing typically feminine clothing Behavioral autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of doing something regarded as feminine Physiologic autogynephilia: arousal to fantasies of body functions specific to people regarded as female Anatomic autogynephilia: arousal to the fantasy of having a normative woman's body, or parts of one[31]: 72-73 [8]: 19-20
my partner of 17 years came out as a transwoman about 8 years ago. You are SO RIGHT - it has been really hard to find people who have experienced this and stayed with their partner (who had a not super friction free transition). Brie's story is SO similar to my wife's. I am SO HAPPY to see a couple like us in a loving, real relationship. I would definitely be open to talking with you if you want someone in the same type situation (and I think we are the same age?) .
It has been so amazing seeing Brie's transition into the wonderful and beautiful woman she has always been and the change in her confidence and demeanor over these past years has been palpable. So much love to you both and thank you for sharing these aspects of your lives, I think your impact is far more profound than you realize!
100 years from now this video will be very important for posterity. If you think about the different types of relationships that have been stigmatized throughout history-interracial, lgbt+, rich/poor, divorcées etc.-you realize others have walked similar paths, which is why documenting these challenges can potentially help others in the future to overcome and adjust to the harsh realities of their time. I think it’s noble you two are sharing your story with the world, wishing you the best!
This is so real. A lot of us are so concerned about being perceived as woke and sensitive and not making any missteps…. That we won’t actually be vulnerable and express ourselves with our partners when something complex happens like this. (By the way totally not insinuating that this is exactly what happened with you all, just making a general statement) A marriage has to have transparency without fear and that means 100% trust in each other that your intentions are good and you’re acting out of love.
“When you don’t process with someone, you choose to grow in a separate direction.” Oooof wow this was a truth bomb!! As a person who has been married for 15 years this is such an incredibly important fact for couples to understand. I really just love you two and your willingness to share your journey. It’s been so helpful for me in ways I hope to let you know about one day!! ❤❤❤
I was once told this sentence & I love it so much: Feelings aren’t either right or wrong they just are. I love it so very much because it takes the negative connotation on what you feel out & makes you realize that it’s OK to feel what you’re feeling regardless. So that’s what I was thinking when I was watching this. Your feelings are valid Kristen. ❤
As someone whose spouse is nonbinary I let out a huge sigh of relief when you talked about processing together in a healthy way. Thanks so much for making this video.
I didn’t know how invested in this video I’d be (big K+J+B fan but just sort of neutral on these more story-oriented vids) but it’s SO sweet and I really enjoyed hearing about your experiences. Thank you for being so open. ❤
So glad you shared this. I know so many trans couples who grew apart for taking the advice you originally took because they thought they had to process separately to show support to their transitioning spouse. This is also great advice for someone whose spouse is going through other major self realizations. When my spouse finally opened up about their very serious lifelong mental illness, we went through similar. They sought help and we're coping with that and I felt the need to process separately to support we eventually split and I had many health issues due to stress leading up to the split. We continued off and on for years before a very long split and now we are together and have been for years openly talking and growing together and they run a page talking about mental illness to help others. We still are learning and growing together but the important part is we are doing it together and trusting and supporting each other through it
My girlfriend came out to me in 2019 as well. It hasn't been easy for either of us. I'm so glad to see you both and to know that the journey wasn't always easy. I knew I wasn't alone but I'm glad to have more proof of that. I never understood if I was allowed to feel grief for my previous life, I felt guilty about it for a long time, still do if I'm being honest. It took two years for me to be honest with her about my processing. We're still working on things every day. Loving each other and growing together are my goals.
Brie was a great person pre transition and she is a great person after.. you can really see her sparkle and the twinkling i her eyes now that she is the gorgeous woman she always wanted and had to be Im so glad that she became her self in all the ways she did and so happy with all the support she had from everyone in your families and friends❤️
It takes an extreme amount of vulnerability to say that everything wasn’t sunshine and rainbows after Brie’s transition. While you can love her and support her the whole time, it absolutely changes the fundamental relationship and I think that’s important to acknowledge. I can’t imagine this video was easy to make or release, but I think you’re doing such a service to other people who may be in similar situations. I hope you and Brie know how much of an impact you’re making on people and how important it is to be vulnerable and honest and show that life can be messy, but it’s still good, too. 🤍 sending you & Brie all my love!
Literally crying at both of your bravery and rawness and just, fuck, thank you for putting this into the world. This might be one of the most beautiful things that came out of the c19 pandemic. And being open about the fact that your marriage didn't just magically adjust as things did, but that you both needed to have painful conversations and work through it and that involved friction. Thank you both.
“When you don’t process with someone you are choosing to grow in a different direction.” - just one of many great quotes from this video. You should write a book together about this. Also, why don’t you re-take your wedding photos now and have someone photoshop your grandmother into it? There are some great photographers who can completely recreate the picture with updated bridal looks for both of you.
Obviously, it’s not like I’m the first person to make this connection. However, please know that this open and safe conversation you both exemplified in this video has hit me at an incredibly impactful moment in my journey. My 18 year cis/het marriage is not what I wanted it to be. I’m fearful of sharing my true feelings about what I feel that I deserve. This was the third major sign in one day that I need to make the hard decision to either fight for staying and making real changes or to cut and start fresh. Thank you for showing me how true partners in a marriage are able to share the burdens and joys of growing forward together 💜
please feel free to make it an open discussion with your partner. My spouse and I still deeply love and care for each other. However, after I started to come out and present as my real self the physical attraction wasn't there for them anymore. We had many long and hard discussions with both ourselves and our therapists. In the end we decided to stay together in an open and HONEST relationship that included the understanding that there were just some things that we needed that we couldn't give each other, but that dosen't mean we love or care about each other less. in fact I've never loved them more.
Thank you for being so vulnerable on the internet. I think these conversations are really important, my partner and I are both often thinking about our gender identity and I do find myself struggling with what any kind of social/medical transition would mean for our relationship.
This is a really beautiful video. I too would've assumed that the "process separately" advice would be the way to go, since that's a big part of allyship in most other contexts. But what you've said makes perfect sense. Embracing and loving someone's true identity is one thing, but integrating that new identity into every aspect of your lives together is something that you can't do alone. This video was also helpful to me for a separate reason. I really struggle with the idea that my mental health difficulties are something that will harm others and that I have to protect them from my emotions. This ends up shutting out my partner and hurting him. I'm going to try to remember this framework you talked about when I want to pull away, in the future. Also, funny story about couples' therapy: My partner and I tried a few therapists before we found the amazing one we see today. The first one seemed to almost completely take my side, and the second one significantly took his side. This experience ended up bringing the two of us closer because we were both united in the belief that we should *both* be supported by the therapist and both our stories were important. We advocated for each other against those therapists and it was really a big turning point in our relationship, further supported when we actually found the right therapist!
I don’t know any one in real life who has transitioned, so everything I know about it, is from Brie and it’s taught me so much. Not only because it’s something I think we should know about but also if I ever happen to know anyone who has or is or wants to transition, I know more about it. Also sent this video to my mum who is a teacher who has a student who is at the start of their journey so staff understand a bit more too. I know it’s a very private journey for many, it’s great that Brie is happy to be so public about her journey and I’m sure many people watching this will also find it really educational etc. Ultimately, we all deserve to feel happy and contented in our bodies and with our sexuality etc and I don’t understand the hate that a small minority of people have? Brie isn’t hurting anyone and in fact has probably stopped the hurt she may have had pre transition to herself.
I had a colleague who transitioned and just waltzed into a large meeting in their new mode of self expression. When we did the round table just said their new name and that you might know me as xxxx. Balls of steel that one, regardless of if they were original issue or expansion pack. We got on with the meeting and afterwards there were lots of hugs and extra biscuits. I don’t recall it being mentioned again other than occasionally having to join the dots for someone who hadn’t been there and didn’t know who this new name was who had signed a report or authorised something. We are all very lucky to work for a massive employer and it actually is a pretty safe place to be your self. A lovely story I heard at a convention was the provision of a kids social group that made a point of people being able to explore their identity (new name m clothes etc) but not have to do it full time straight away at home or school. So they could test if a new name felt right, if the pronouns were working, if the change felt good week to week or if it was a spectrum or a cycle. Although there are some shit people around there are also very kind ones. So glad kitchen and Brie are discussing these topics so people surrounded by the dregs of society know that not everyone is a turd. Not only nice kitchen and Brie, but also most of the comments section.
You are definitely not cancelled! I think we need these kinds of conversations to be visible - just the honesty of it is so good to see. There is a tendency for people to feel that they cannot be honest about their mixed emotions because they might appear unsupportive, but you are showing that you can still have the emotions while providing the support. These are big life changes, of course you'll feel things! Very important stuff. Big kudos to both of you.
Before even watching the video all I was thinking was "whatever you did worked because y'all seem a lot happier individually and as a couple" and then watched the video and thought, "oh, emotional intelligence, hard work and good therapists. Makes sense." Thank you both for being so open about your marriage and experiences! Happy to see you both flourishing!!
It’s very hard to talk out loud about such seriously vulnerable parts between you and your loved one. I really respect that you both came to the table and shared this part of yourselves because I’m sure there are people feeling lost out there, in a similar position, who will feel much less alone after hearing your stories ❤
As a pre-transition person, I really appreciate these types of videos! My partner and I have been together for six years, so seeing a couple so supportive of each other is very encouraging. Thank you for sharing your stories and advice with us.
SCREAM CRYING at Brie very loudly being like "THOSE NEEDLES ARE NOT REAL." I've found a lot of comfort in this video that feels analogous to one of my own. I'm glad I put this video off for a few days to keep processing things for me and am thankful you shared! Much appreciated, so much love. This visibility will be so helpful to so many people who need it. 💖💖
I'm not in this situation, or really ANY situation right now, but this still fully resonated with me. You guys gave such INCREDIBLE advice, and hearing your journey and how you handled it, I'm just so impressed with the amount of emotional intelligence you guys have. I will be re-watching this over and over because so much of this applies outside of this specific context, and it really can help so many people.
I hope that these two receive support and understanding. It is incredibly difficult to share the hardships of your marriage, especially on such as public platform. Wishing them both the best.
I really appreciate your openness and Brie's willingness to share all of this. I feel like this is a part of being trans that a lot of people don't really get to see. It's important!
I had to hear this lesson. My daughter who is 17 I believe is going through this transition. I am just trying listen and leave her be and allow her to figure things out but also let her know that however she decides to live is her decision alone and we as a family continue to love and protect her.
Seeing Brie in those old buzzfeed videos made me happy that Kristen has someone who makes her feel special and now I realize that it's two sides of the same coin and I couldn't be happier
this was incredible. i find it so helpful to hear the nitty gritty of people’s relationships. it’s normalizing the growing pains relationships go through. thank you for your visibility! you’re very appreciated ❤
Just hearing the honest journey about how you too struggled (especially because in videos I'd have never guessed, I always assumed you had a frictionless transition!) is a huge help! Makes things feel much more realistic and less urgency to do everything right, quickly, immediately. Knowing that there are ups and downs and that they are normal and okay is hugely motivating, just have to remember to be respectful and communicative and leave space for your partner. Great video, lots of love to everyone on the channel!
I always love how you help her shop and give makeup tips. You know that the same good person with a beautiful heart is still next to you. Helping her transition and be who she is truly meant to be is awesome! The relief of having it out there, and being able to be that open with each other is a wonderful gift. A meant to be relationship. Couple goals! And no, nobody owes any explanation of how you live YOUR lives. But still, thank you for the video, it's kinda interesting to hear your story
you two are providing an invaluable resource for people and thank you so much for teh vulnerability. Bc Brie is right there isnt a ton of literature and honestly this video is now a primary source. i really hope that when people who were in Kristens position years ago now find this video before they read all of the garbage that come from "trans widows" .
This is an amazing video you two put out! I came out as nonbinary about a year into my fiance and I dating. It's been a process for us both. I found it frustrating that my fellow nonbinary beans would tell me that it was instantly unhealthy if my partner didn't give me seamless, 100% support. I love my friends and i know they have good intentions but i hate that mentality of "just break up". Like no. Tough stuff happens in every relationship and just instsntly calling it quits is not how I roll. It is definitely not always a smooth process and I want to give him that space to tell me what he's feeling. That goes for my identity and anything else.
Everyone wants different things and some trans people are willing and able to hold space for their partners positive and negative feelings about their transition. Some are not, and end up breaking things off because they just do not have that capacity or desire to hold that space while processing themselves, or just feel they need time and space to focus on their identity and needs, and progress in their transitions before they are ready to exist in a relationship again. Or maybe they would prefer to be with someone who only knows them as their true selves, and has no grief to process about who they were. Neither is right or wrong, it just a difference in preference. Same with people who choose to stay with their partners who come out as trans vs. not because incompatibility in orientation or just not having the capacity to walk through that with them because of their own shit. It is unfortunate that your nonbinary friends thinks anything other than complete frictionless acceptance without complex feelings warrants a break up for everyone, but for some people it does and that isn't wrong.
Hey, I have multiple trans friends of all genders and for most it isn't a barrier to having happy and healthy love lives. Dating is scary, and definitely moreso when you're trans, but you'll find your people.
Id be so happy if my partner found out they were trans. I honestly would be so honored to hold space for them to find their new self and see them as they want to be seen . I once was talking with a guy. I, a cis woman was taking a very small dose of T because of a health problem unrelated to transitioning and it came up. He said he was also taking T and I said oh so you have low T? He was very confused then came out as a trans man as if it was obvious. He genuinely thought I was being nice when I said I didn't know and it was such a sweet experience being likely the first person to give that to him. There's people out here that are accepting of you.
Thank you for being willing to share this part of your life. I understand that no one can expect anyone to share something this personal to such a large audience. Especially Brie, who never chose this life to begin with. Your courage is amazing, and I appreciate it so much. My daughter is transitioning, and these videos help me so much know that there is a community and to know other's journeys. It helps 🩵🩷
this is really nice to watch for me, as a trans woman who has for my whole life avoided romantic relationships out of fear. hearing you two talk candidly about the difficulties of a relationship without blame was just so refreshing. i’m sure that so many people will get value out of this video in so many different ways. thank you so much for this 💕
Thank you so much for speaking about this topic with so much kindness and honesty. It makes me feel hopeful for my own future. I'm a closeted genderqueer lesbian who is still dealing with my own complex feelings regarding gender & it was so cathartic to hear Brie talking about how she felt that the world would end if she acknowledged her gender, since I felt the same for a really long time (and even now sometimes!). What I am most worried about is losing people in my life, especially as I am an increasingly masculine presenting, so it gives me a lot of comfort to hear that people can work through complicated feelings surrounding transition together. I feel like I never hear people talk about the scary parts of transitioning in a way that's trans supporting. Love you both!
Once Brie came out, both of your smiles got bigger, eyes got sparkle-ier, and faces got brighter. I love seeing how happy you both are! A family friend had a similar experience to Kristin, except opposite. She had identified as straight for her entire life, up until she met her wife (now husband). Her spouse came out as transgender (but he has a medical condition that means that he was born with XO instead of XX or XY), and he transitions every quickly! Over 15 years later, they’re still married, and they have two gorgeous girls
Thank you both for such a beautiful and meaningful video. I relate so much to Brie’s fear about losing your relationship when she came out, it’s such a terrifying and brave thing to have to do. Also, there are some amazing artists on Etsy who could totally edit Brie out of boy mode and into girl mode in that photo of you both with Kristin’s grandma! I know a bunch of trans people who have been able to keep meaningful photos that way, if it appeals! Thank you both again for sharing so much with us all ❤️
I loved this video. I'm straight & Cis, raised Christian, but I still felt like this was very relatable and of course inciteful. Marriage scares tf outta me because in life people change all the time. You can marry one person and either of you may have completely different values or desires 5, 10, 20 yrs later. It's a big leap of faith . It's so good to hear about this journey because not everything is going to be easy. I'm glad you were able to be transparent about the mistakes made along the way. I'm glad you both came out on the other side together ♡
There really are not enough videos like this out here. Thank you so much for creating this. I've had all different kinds of genders and transitional states of partners in the past, it can be a real journey. Thank you for sharing yours
Thank you for sharing your experience and how you've been working through things together. I think this video will be helpful for a lot of people! One thing I worry about in our community is I've sometimes seen some folks with the expectation that the spouse can't have any feelings other than mega positive ones, or they're a terrible person, and that the spouse's sexuality and/or romantic attractions don't matter in the situation at all. Which is kind of awful. Partners need love and time to process and figure things out, too.
I love you both so much--and the audio person. This is the best useful difficult discussion I've heard on this. I've had friends who lost spouses after transition and you really talked clearly about why and about how y'all didn't. Thanks.
Thank you both so much, I really needed to hear so many of the things said in this video. I had a mental health crisis a few weeks ago that I'm still recovering from, and it's left me questioning everything about myself, my life, and my marriage of over a decade. My spouse and I are trying to navigate through this and it's VERY hard. Couples therapy, individual therapy, basically turning our lives upside down and seeing what works and what doesn't. I'm still not sure what the end game will be, but hearing that a relationship is a journey and not a destination feels so much more reassuring than the "You need to be 125% in love every second of every day or else you need to GTFO of your marriage!" type of advice that's so prevalent. You being a fellow LGBTQ+ couple talking about going through similar difficulties as I am both on an individual and couples level means so, so much to me. I really appreciate you both sharing! ❤
Thanks for doing this video. There's value in knowing that the human experience is messy and isn't perfect, but if you're experiencing honestly and genuinely, things will probably turn out okay
I find this really relatable as someone in a long-term relationship going on ten years. My partner and I were struggling with certain aspects of our relationship before the pandemic, so when we were suddenly stuck together everything blew up. We had to do a lot of counseling, work, and healing, and now we have a better relationship than ever. I've never seen or heard anyone express what it's like to go through a big transition better than you two did in this video. Thank you ❤️
as a cishet woman, this has been very informative in a way that gives me additional insight in how to best support those around me in my community and the spaces i’m in. thank you for sharing something that’s incredibly personal. i’m sure it has benefited so many viewers :) ❤ rooting for your continued love and growth!
The fact you two are saying things at the same time means you’re both really on the same page about what happened in retrospect. And it keeps giving me goosebumps that you have this solidarity together. Thank you for sharing with us
I really appreciate the honesty in this video. Though neither my husband nor I are transitioning, I think the discussion about processing together is really important. And people change and there can be big grief and little grief and everything in between. We went through a rough patch this summer, and a lot of it, I think, was because he was going through stuff but was processing it all separately. We're good now, but yeah... I really love this video, and I just appreciate how honest you were - that it wasn't easy and that y'all worked at things. ❤️
Young adult with a long term trans partner here! Thank you both for sharing your perspectives online, positive examples of relationships like mine are so important to me 💜🏳️⚧️
Your relationship is absolutely beautiful and the visibility and thoughtful discussion you being into the community through your platform is so incredible!
I have a very dear friend whose husband transitioned, back in the 70's. They are still married, and they have the most amazing relationship despite how insane it was in the 70s for something like that to happen! Just wanted you to know, she and her wife send you KUDOS for doing this, because back then they'd have been helped SO. VERY. MUCH. if they'd been able to talk with similar couples. Wishing both of you the very best, and wonderful life together!
I really appreciate your guys' willingness to talk so openly and candidly about everything you and your relationship went through. I've never been in a situation like yours, but its still almost reassuring to know that the two of you, one of the queer couples I look up to the most, had your own challenges and hurdles to jump. I'm so glad you've both come out stronger and more yourselves than you've ever been. Thank you for all that you're willing to share with us, and thank you for being such a realistic and lovely representation of a modern queer couple. So much love to both of you (and Jen!) 💕
So first off, I’m so glad you both choose to share this as I know it absolutely will help other folks going through a similar experience. And second, OMGGGG Kristin I feel your pain about the failed spinal tap. When I had my c-section they spent AN HOUR trying to get the stupid spinal block to work while I just sobbed. I had huge bruises all over my back after the surgery it was so traumatizing. They eventually had to put me under general anesthesia and I wish they had just done it sooner!
this is a truly gorgeous video. i love that y'all are able to talk about hardships you've weathered as a couple while not delving into the common straight/cis "relationships are HARD WORK, u will HATE EVERY DAY with your spouse, u will FALL ASLEEP and WAKE UP RESENTING THEM" energy that i see a lot online lmfao. like, it's clear that beyond any difficulties you've gone through, you both have a deep and abiding love and respect for each other, and it's really beautiful to see and i couldn't help but laugh -- my mom has been married three times, and when i asked her what made her marriage to my dad stick (40+ years bayBEEEE) she said, "everybody grows, and you have to get married to someone who grows in the same direction as you." i wish y'all decades of happiness too!
Thank you for being so open and honest in this video. So much of this advice is helpful for any couple going through any kind of change, ect, in their marriage. I'm so glad you guys were able to work things out. Your relationship is so precious. 💜
Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us! You are right when you say that we are not entitled to it, but it can help so many other people and for that I am really grateful. Your channel is a source of light in this world and I appreciate you three soo much!
This is honestly one of the best videos on UA-cam that I've ever seen. I believe you have been talking about making it for over a year, and I have to say, all of these "behind the scenes" issues were not at all apparent on screen or social media. This was concise and covered a ton of issues a relationship can endure. I feel a lot of this advice is useful for a lot of different situations in a romantic relationship. I can definitely see myself referring to it non-stop with future partners. 😅 I basically feel like I learned 20 new things about healthy emotional responses in one go, and I feel much more prepared to navigate a successful relationship(s).
This video was AMAZING. Honestly, as a casual viewer I assumed that you guys didn't have any issue with Brie's transition and just went with the flow of things. Hearing the struggles and work you both did to reach where you are now and be happy together in this new way was really beautiful.
I HATED searching for support online at first. I found nothing useful. Brie actually came out online around the time my wife came out and you guys helped me. You gave me a couple that looked happy but that you worked to get there and that's how I felt. I was happy for my wife becoming the person she knew herself as, but I knew it was going to be work for us both and everything before I saw your video made me think I had to either be insanely happy with no negative emotions or that I needed to leave and that never felt right.
Hello!!! Big video!!!! A few things: 1) transphobia will get you shot into the sun 2) Brie and I both watched multiple rounds of cuts on this vid and she approved this video at every step of the way! Please don't infantilize her, it bugs her! 3) don't read too much into my swerving the kiss at the end, Brie is wearing a lip stain that I know from ~experience~ is hard to get off my face. Anyway HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!
LUV U both so much happy Friday I appreciate you so much Brie and Kristin ❤
Thank you Brie for being so vulnerable. Love you guys
Your a lovely couple❤
Ima bark at anyone being a transphobe in the comments😠we love y’all!!❤️❤️❤️
I don't want to be transphobic so can you shoot me into the sun for free? It's cold where I live.
I literally paused this video and asked my husband if he had any feelings after I figured my sexuality out. We'd been together 9 years and had just got married when it all clicked in my own head (my therapist says it's probably because for the first time I felt safe enough to ponder). He was like "I knew it long before you did, and I had plenty of time to come to terms with it, but it didn't change how much I wanted to be with you" and I melted a bit.
thats what my husband said to me when i came out biromantic/sexual and just want to dress more androgynous but i do love being a woman i just wasnt very femme ive been with him for 17 years he already knew i just had to process it he said as long as im enough for you, it doesnt change how i feel about you i literally cried hes too good i love him to bits glad you had the same with yours
Did you date a different gender while still with him?
“When you don’t process with someone, you’re growing in a separate direction.” Love this.
Came here to comment this. As someone who has had a marriage end - this is a hundred percent what went wrong for us. Wishing Bree and Kristen all the best as you continue to grow together
and when you process co-dependently you being too reliant. solo and couple therapy is best.
So true!
So much truth!! Love this so much! I think more marriages would survive if this was taught more openly, and if we could patient with our spouses when they are trying to be transparent about something that feels big and scary.
This is something I didn't know I needed to hear today but I absolutely did need it
My partner came out as a trans man and we recently had to break up because of the growing apart from not processing together....it breaks my heart. And talking about the grief too and needing to acknowledge that, especially with how unsafe men can make me feel due to trauma ...I wish people talked about this more. And I'm so beyond grateful you all shared about this because it's definitely not talked about nearly enough
So you were originally a woman in a relationship with a woman? That would be tough for a lesbian to have a partner who transitions to male.
Sorry to hear that. I transitioned in my teens (internalised homophobia) and lost my bf in the process. I detransed later and I miss the relationship so much but had surgery since
Absolutely! People don't talk about transwidows enough
@@NekoShmeko I'm sorry :(
@@dovegoddess1100 and it wouldn't be tough for a gay man to have a partner who transitions to female? or a straight woman whose partner transitions to female ? or really any combination?
Nope, just tough for lesbians I guess.
The visibility you two bring is so important! I identified as a gay man for close to 18 years when my partner came out as trans. I realized very quickly that I was in love with the person and not her gender. Thank you both for using your platform for this!
This! This here! I love this so much! ❤❤❤
LOVE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT THE PERSON NOT THE GENDER AND THEY SHOW IT SOO EFFING WELL I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
It sounds so normal that it is difficult to understand that we did not think like this loooong time ago. Thank you for putting this thought into words.
Thank you for saying this. Kinda on, kinda off topic, but it feels like bi and pan people still get piled on and questioned and even reviled, but it's actually very simple. We love the wine (person) and not their label (gender).
@@nervousbabbs2769of course love is about the person. But if gender wasn’t important wouldn’t exist gays, lesbians, straights. So is not as black and white as you picture it . People can love everyone (despiste genders), but cannot feel sexual desire for everyone (unless you are bissexual or pansexual). If I have a partner who transitions, I will always support the person, but not in a sexual way. I am straight, so I will always need a boyfriend or husband to fulfill my sexual needs. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love the person, just means I can’t have a romantic person with a woman. And that’s okay too.
We should all be tolerant and emphatic , but let’s not say gender doesn’t matter just because doesn’t matter for a few people.
My fiancé came out to me a few years ago a little bit after you posted the video about Brie coming out. You guys have no idea how much these videos helped. It’s amazing to know that you’re not alone in these feelings and experiences. I can gladly say that me and my fiancé Claire are amazing and happily planning our 2025 wedding.
THANK YOU for addressing the two weird extremes when you look for “my partner is transitioning, what now” advice. My partner and I also experienced similar friction, especially when I felt I couldn’t talk to her or that she wasn’t able to talk to anyone else. Like any other big life event there’s so many ups and downs and complex feelings for both partners, and that all should be normal! Like you said, recognizing feelings that are harder to handle without getting violent and cruel.
Y’all rock, thank you again for sharing.
Yesss my partner and I experienced the same thing, so glad they’re talking about the healthy communication it takes
That last part - “If I get cancelled then Brie won’t have a place to live…” plus Brie’s sad face plus the gray screen shift PLUS the violin- cracked me up ahahahahaha.
But thank you both for sharing your journey! I’m not married or trans but I found this super insightful!! ❤❤
Kristin: “A marriage cannot be about one person.”
Brie: “It can’t. Not even when that person is Kristin.”
When I tell you I CACKLED -- (I love the banter that exists between you two)
I was also cackling with the er story about using terms Kristen will understand 😂
’m also a cis woman with a transfemme long term partner. I absolutely love and support her but it was so hard to go through that “grief” feeling alone when she first came out. I felt like it was selfish of me to have difficult feelings about her transition so I never said anything because I was terrified of hurting her. Though it’s not my experience, you are so right that with a life partner everything is something you go through together. We eventually had the necessary hard conversations and worked through our feeling. Our relationship is now stronger because of it, but in the moment we totally felt alone. So thank you for talking about your experience so other couples don’t feel so alone in their experiences ❤️😊
If you decide to renew your vows, you could take the original photo with your grandmother and your favorite photo together from your renewals and hire an artist to paint a portrait of the three of you together. Or hire a wedding painter to paint at the renewal and provide a photo of your grandmother to include amongst the guests. I know you said in the video of Brie trying on wedding dresses that you didn't have any plans to do a renewal, but others in a similar situation may be reading the comments and might find the idea useful, perhaps.
There are also lots of talented Photoshop artists who could adjust the photo with your grandmother to reflect Brie's current presentation.
@@jenniferclements351 was going to say if Brie and Kristin are comfortable photoshopping could be a great option!
Great idea! 🥰
I am a portrait artist and would be honored to do a painting of this. Can do digital pairing as well as logistics can be a lot.
It's a shame that Kristen can't display her favorite wedding photo that includes her deceased grandma. She has made so many sacrifices in accepting Brie's transition. Brie could be gracious and allow Kristen to display that one photo.
We talked like a year or so ago on twitter in the DMs because my partner came out as wanting to transition around when you and brie got public... my partner is finally getting started. We finally have a timeline since her health is doing better. So I guess just thank you. Cause processing alone is so hard.
Now THIS is couple goals! Not because there was no friction or everything was sunshine and rainbows. It's goals because you're learning to build strong communication which will lead to a closer relationship. I admire the hard work you're putting into your marriage
Well said! 👏👏👏
Definitely!!!!! 💜💜💜 I learned so much from this video! So thankful they shared this.
This is such an important video. When my partner came out I did what Kristin did and ofc Googled with the same end result. It was either you accept and go on with it without any kind of friction or you choose violence. I shoved all my thoughts and worries to the side to 100% support my partner, and it almost destroyed our relationship. Thankfully we came to the same conclusion and realised we both had to process it together.
The grieving part really struck a chord as well. It's so spot on and I've never been able to put those feelings into words before. It's exactly what I felt in the beginning, but was shamed for trying to express.
1) You are absolutely correct, you don’t owe anybody your story, AND 2) by choosing to share as much as you’re comfortable with, you’re giving such a huge gift to the community, and I feel so grateful to receive it! BIG LOVE 🧡
"when you don't process with someone, you're choosing to grow in a separate direction" is such a perfect statement for just relationships in general. This was such a neat and open conversation.
As a straight cis female who knows nothing about the LGBTQ community, I was curious about this topic, but out of respect for your privacy I would never ask for you to share. But I'm so glad you decided to cover the topic because it helps me to understand better! 🥰
Completely agree and came to say the same thing!
I feel the same way. Thank you for being so eloquent
I agree 100%, while I always enjoy the fun videos, it’s the ones that teach me about a community I know nothing about that I like the most.
Yes! I am so glad they talked about this because so much of what we've seen has been their healthy supportive side (which of course is wonderful) but always left me wondering how on earth they made the transition so smoothly like it was almost easy. Glad to know I wasn't crazy for thinking that would be a big deal even in the most loving and supportive relationships.
Yes, this comment is my experience too. We appreciate their generosity in sharing this.
I’m glad there was a discussion about Kristian’s side of dealing with this. Many people focus on the trans person side with the expectation that their spouse should carry them through the transition and they should have no issues. It’s a huge change and isn’t healthy to rely 100% on the spouse like Kristian says. Even small changes like a new job or moving stresses a relationship, so of course finding out you SO is trans would rock the relationship. I’m glad they worked their way through and are happy with each other
A marriage cannot be about just one person
Brie- Even if that person is Kristin
LOL you two have really amazing chemistry
Jens off camera cackle . Truth.
Jorn laughing made that part even better 😂😂😂
She’s so gd funny every time she’s in videos she had me laughing out loud
As someone who is ~2 months into the journey with their transitioning wife, I found so much comfort and solace in this video. I truly needed to hear a lot of this advice, and it is so hard finding people who understand this not super common experience. And like u said, it’s wonderful to find some reasonable and relatable advice that fits the spectrum of emotion rather than the harsh binary of either instant total harmony or violence and hatred. There is so much more to it but not many resources. Love ya!!
It’s been amazing seeing Brie’s transition and into a happy confident women and feeling so brave course so brave and I appreciate Brie so much and amazing inspiring and incredible person 💔💔💔💞❤️❤️💖❤️💚💘💘💝💙💝💘💝💝💙🧡🧡💛💛💛💖💖❤️🖤💞💞💔💜💝💚💚💚💚💙💙💙💙💝💘💜💜💜💜🧡💚💛💛💖💛💖💖
"You're grieving the loss of what your life used to be". These are powerful words that apply to more than your situation. During the pandemic as I find myself growing and my dynamic with my family changing, I find myself grieving past moments of my life. My past dynamic with my mother as well as a part of my life where I presented as more feminine. I've been struggling with how to feel comfortable in my body and with my style as a result with the relationship I have with my body. My family has been an incredible support system as I've made small navigations but there are times they still don't understand. And I've been afraid to reach out to a therapist. But recently I've found myself more focused on the grief. That's why the videos of your journey with this have been refreshing and comforting. Thank you for sharing with us and all the best wishes for your continued journey into this new life.
15:04 I’m so happy that Brie mentioned finding a community because you can have great friends but to relate some experiences, you feel like you’re speaking in a different language but the Support Group/Community puts things into perspective. WE NEED AFFIRMATION.
i have not checked on y’all since buzzfeed and let me say, as a trans bisexual, this was a wonderful video to come back to y’all with. it’s very nice to see a real genuine talk between life partners about how one partner transitioning affects/ effected the two of you. thank you both
Not that anyone ever owes sharing this much but I want to thank you both so much for your brave and open and honesty. I love you both- and I really admired how you two have been navigating this, but it also helps to know that you also had difficulties and both put in work to heal and evolve your relationship.
P.S. both of your dresses are so dang cute! ❤
When you announced Brie’s transition everything seemed so perfect and seamless that I was curious how everything actually went for Kristin in particular. Thank you for sharing. You both look lovely in this video, you have the same hair! Couple goals!
“If there’s a book you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it” Thank you for sharing your experience to be a resource for others that didn’t exist for you ❤
I know this is supposed to be a more serious video but I absolutely want to say I am loving Brie's pink bows, black choker and grey velvet dress combination, it reminds me of Marina and the Diamond's Electric heart era. Kristin is very much giving the Electric Heart vibes too.
So true!!! ❤
Right?!? They both look stunning and give strong girl band vibes. I’m so here for Kristin & Brie’s band era 😊
OMG Kristen, as someone with a partner who came out as trans, there is NOTHING online about what you should do as the partner of a trans person.. I love this story and thank you soo much for talking about it. It really allowed me to know that there other couples out there going through the same thing. any your point about grief is super important as well :) big love to you and Brie !! thank you again !!
Autogynephilia (derived from Greek for "love of oneself as a woman"[13][a]) is a term coined by Blanchard[14][28][15] for "a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female",[13][29] intending for the term to refer to "the full gamut of erotically arousing cross-gender behaviors and fantasies".[13] Blanchard states that he intended the term to subsume transvestism, including for sexual ideas in which feminine clothing plays only a small or no role at all.[30] Other terms for such cross-gender fantasies and behaviors include automonosexuality, eonism, and sexo-aesthetic inversion.[28] Blanchard distinguishes between "the existence or nonexistence of autogynephilia", which he describes as settled, and theoretical statements advanced by him "at one time or another", including several major components of his typology.[3] Blanchard writes that the accuracy of these theories needs further empirical research to resolve.[3]: 445
Subtypes
Blanchard identified four types of autogynephilic sexual fantasy,[28] but stated that co-occurrence of types was common.[31]: 72-73 [8]: 19-20
Transvestic autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of wearing typically feminine clothing
Behavioral autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of doing something regarded as feminine
Physiologic autogynephilia: arousal to fantasies of body functions specific to people regarded as female
Anatomic autogynephilia: arousal to the fantasy of having a normative woman's body, or parts of one[31]: 72-73 [8]: 19-20
Thank you both for your honesty and transparency. The love you have for each other makes me cry.
Thank youuuuuu
Same!! Their love is so true and deep.
my partner of 17 years came out as a transwoman about 8 years ago. You are SO RIGHT - it has been really hard to find people who have experienced this and stayed with their partner (who had a not super friction free transition). Brie's story is SO similar to my wife's. I am SO HAPPY to see a couple like us in a loving, real relationship. I would definitely be open to talking with you if you want someone in the same type situation (and I think we are the same age?) .
It has been so amazing seeing Brie's transition into the wonderful and beautiful woman she has always been and the change in her confidence and demeanor over these past years has been palpable. So much love to you both and thank you for sharing these aspects of your lives, I think your impact is far more profound than you realize!
Oh no you two practically looked the same to me in the thumbnail and I was really confused who this new Kristen doppelgänger was
Wait lmao I did not mean to reply that to your comment I’m sorry
“When you don’t process with someone, you’re choosing to grow in a different direction” BEAUTIFUL WORDS ❤
I reeeeeally wish more people were this open about their romantic relationships.
You dont owe people shit but, as a Trans person, thank you for making this video! ❤
^^same. Excellent job on this video AND on the hard life things you had to do to make it
100 years from now this video will be very important for posterity. If you think about the different types of relationships that have been stigmatized throughout history-interracial, lgbt+, rich/poor, divorcées etc.-you realize others have walked similar paths, which is why documenting these challenges can potentially help others in the future to overcome and adjust to the harsh realities of their time. I think it’s noble you two are sharing your story with the world, wishing you the best!
This is so real. A lot of us are so concerned about being perceived as woke and sensitive and not making any missteps…. That we won’t actually be vulnerable and express ourselves with our partners when something complex happens like this. (By the way totally not insinuating that this is exactly what happened with you all, just making a general statement) A marriage has to have transparency without fear and that means 100% trust in each other that your intentions are good and you’re acting out of love.
“When you don’t process with someone, you choose to grow in a separate direction.” Oooof wow this was a truth bomb!! As a person who has been married for 15 years this is such an incredibly important fact for couples to understand. I really just love you two and your willingness to share your journey. It’s been so helpful for me in ways I hope to let you know about one day!! ❤❤❤
I was once told this sentence & I love it so much: Feelings aren’t either right or wrong they just are. I love it so very much because it takes the negative connotation on what you feel out & makes you realize that it’s OK to feel what you’re feeling regardless. So that’s what I was thinking when I was watching this. Your feelings are valid Kristen. ❤
As someone whose spouse is nonbinary I let out a huge sigh of relief when you talked about processing together in a healthy way. Thanks so much for making this video.
I didn’t know how invested in this video I’d be (big K+J+B fan but just sort of neutral on these more story-oriented vids) but it’s SO sweet and I really enjoyed hearing about your experiences. Thank you for being so open. ❤
So glad you shared this. I know so many trans couples who grew apart for taking the advice you originally took because they thought they had to process separately to show support to their transitioning spouse. This is also great advice for someone whose spouse is going through other major self realizations. When my spouse finally opened up about their very serious lifelong mental illness, we went through similar. They sought help and we're coping with that and I felt the need to process separately to support we eventually split and I had many health issues due to stress leading up to the split. We continued off and on for years before a very long split and now we are together and have been for years openly talking and growing together and they run a page talking about mental illness to help others. We still are learning and growing together but the important part is we are doing it together and trusting and supporting each other through it
My girlfriend came out to me in 2019 as well. It hasn't been easy for either of us. I'm so glad to see you both and to know that the journey wasn't always easy. I knew I wasn't alone but I'm glad to have more proof of that. I never understood if I was allowed to feel grief for my previous life, I felt guilty about it for a long time, still do if I'm being honest. It took two years for me to be honest with her about my processing. We're still working on things every day. Loving each other and growing together are my goals.
Brie was a great person pre transition and she is a great person after.. you can really see her sparkle and the twinkling i her eyes now that she is the gorgeous woman she always wanted and had to be
Im so glad that she became her self in all the ways she did and so happy with all the support she had from everyone in your families and friends❤️
It takes an extreme amount of vulnerability to say that everything wasn’t sunshine and rainbows after Brie’s transition. While you can love her and support her the whole time, it absolutely changes the fundamental relationship and I think that’s important to acknowledge. I can’t imagine this video was easy to make or release, but I think you’re doing such a service to other people who may be in similar situations. I hope you and Brie know how much of an impact you’re making on people and how important it is to be vulnerable and honest and show that life can be messy, but it’s still good, too. 🤍 sending you & Brie all my love!
I literally sobbed. This is so beautiful. Y'all's insight is so important.
Dude it got me too! 😭
Literally crying at both of your bravery and rawness and just, fuck, thank you for putting this into the world. This might be one of the most beautiful things that came out of the c19 pandemic. And being open about the fact that your marriage didn't just magically adjust as things did, but that you both needed to have painful conversations and work through it and that involved friction. Thank you both.
“When you don’t process with someone you are choosing to grow in a different direction.”
- just one of many great quotes from this video. You should write a book together about this.
Also, why don’t you re-take your wedding photos now and have someone photoshop your grandmother into it? There are some great photographers who can completely recreate the picture with updated bridal looks for both of you.
Obviously, it’s not like I’m the first person to make this connection. However, please know that this open and safe conversation you both exemplified in this video has hit me at an incredibly impactful moment in my journey. My 18 year cis/het marriage is not what I wanted it to be. I’m fearful of sharing my true feelings about what I feel that I deserve. This was the third major sign in one day that I need to make the hard decision to either fight for staying and making real changes or to cut and start fresh. Thank you for showing me how true partners in a marriage are able to share the burdens and joys of growing forward together 💜
Best of luck, whatever direction your life takes!
please feel free to make it an open discussion with your partner.
My spouse and I still deeply love and care for each other. However, after I started to come out and present as my real self the physical attraction wasn't there for them anymore. We had many long and hard discussions with both ourselves and our therapists. In the end we decided to stay together in an open and HONEST relationship that included the understanding that there were just some things that we needed that we couldn't give each other, but that dosen't mean we love or care about each other less. in fact I've never loved them more.
Thank you for being so vulnerable on the internet. I think these conversations are really important, my partner and I are both often thinking about our gender identity and I do find myself struggling with what any kind of social/medical transition would mean for our relationship.
This is a really beautiful video. I too would've assumed that the "process separately" advice would be the way to go, since that's a big part of allyship in most other contexts. But what you've said makes perfect sense. Embracing and loving someone's true identity is one thing, but integrating that new identity into every aspect of your lives together is something that you can't do alone.
This video was also helpful to me for a separate reason. I really struggle with the idea that my mental health difficulties are something that will harm others and that I have to protect them from my emotions. This ends up shutting out my partner and hurting him. I'm going to try to remember this framework you talked about when I want to pull away, in the future.
Also, funny story about couples' therapy: My partner and I tried a few therapists before we found the amazing one we see today. The first one seemed to almost completely take my side, and the second one significantly took his side. This experience ended up bringing the two of us closer because we were both united in the belief that we should *both* be supported by the therapist and both our stories were important. We advocated for each other against those therapists and it was really a big turning point in our relationship, further supported when we actually found the right therapist!
I don’t know any one in real life who has transitioned, so everything I know about it, is from Brie and it’s taught me so much. Not only because it’s something I think we should know about but also if I ever happen to know anyone who has or is or wants to transition, I know more about it. Also sent this video to my mum who is a teacher who has a student who is at the start of their journey so staff understand a bit more too. I know it’s a very private journey for many, it’s great that Brie is happy to be so public about her journey and I’m sure many people watching this will also find it really educational etc.
Ultimately, we all deserve to feel happy and contented in our bodies and with our sexuality etc and I don’t understand the hate that a small minority of people have? Brie isn’t hurting anyone and in fact has probably stopped the hurt she may have had pre transition to herself.
I had a colleague who transitioned and just waltzed into a large meeting in their new mode of self expression. When we did the round table just said their new name and that you might know me as xxxx.
Balls of steel that one, regardless of if they were original issue or expansion pack.
We got on with the meeting and afterwards there were lots of hugs and extra biscuits. I don’t recall it being mentioned again other than occasionally having to join the dots for someone who hadn’t been there and didn’t know who this new name was who had signed a report or authorised something. We are all very lucky to work for a massive employer and it actually is a pretty safe place to be your self.
A lovely story I heard at a convention was the provision of a kids social group that made a point of people being able to explore their identity (new name m clothes etc) but not have to do it full time straight away at home or school. So they could test if a new name felt right, if the pronouns were working, if the change felt good week to week or if it was a spectrum or a cycle.
Although there are some shit people around there are also very kind ones.
So glad kitchen and Brie are discussing these topics so people surrounded by the dregs of society know that not everyone is a turd. Not only nice kitchen and Brie, but also most of the comments section.
You are definitely not cancelled! I think we need these kinds of conversations to be visible - just the honesty of it is so good to see. There is a tendency for people to feel that they cannot be honest about their mixed emotions because they might appear unsupportive, but you are showing that you can still have the emotions while providing the support. These are big life changes, of course you'll feel things! Very important stuff. Big kudos to both of you.
Before even watching the video all I was thinking was "whatever you did worked because y'all seem a lot happier individually and as a couple" and then watched the video and thought, "oh, emotional intelligence, hard work and good therapists. Makes sense." Thank you both for being so open about your marriage and experiences! Happy to see you both flourishing!!
It’s very hard to talk out loud about such seriously vulnerable parts between you and your loved one. I really respect that you both came to the table and shared this part of yourselves because I’m sure there are people feeling lost out there, in a similar position, who will feel much less alone after hearing your stories ❤
As a pre-transition person, I really appreciate these types of videos! My partner and I have been together for six years, so seeing a couple so supportive of each other is very encouraging. Thank you for sharing your stories and advice with us.
SCREAM CRYING at Brie very loudly being like "THOSE NEEDLES ARE NOT REAL." I've found a lot of comfort in this video that feels analogous to one of my own. I'm glad I put this video off for a few days to keep processing things for me and am thankful you shared! Much appreciated, so much love. This visibility will be so helpful to so many people who need it. 💖💖
I love Brie’s sense of humor so much.
I hope you two can get new wedding/marriage photos that you can put up 😘
Omg that would be soooo cute
Her sense of humor is great - so dry. She's so quick with her quips. Love it.
I'm not in this situation, or really ANY situation right now, but this still fully resonated with me. You guys gave such INCREDIBLE advice, and hearing your journey and how you handled it, I'm just so impressed with the amount of emotional intelligence you guys have. I will be re-watching this over and over because so much of this applies outside of this specific context, and it really can help so many people.
I hope that these two receive support and understanding. It is incredibly difficult to share the hardships of your marriage, especially on such as public platform. Wishing them both the best.
Kristyn, this look is beautiful. It reminds me of a renaissance painting. The long curly hair, red lip, light flowy top. It looks amazing
I really appreciate your openness and Brie's willingness to share all of this. I feel like this is a part of being trans that a lot of people don't really get to see. It's important!
I had to hear this lesson. My daughter who is 17 I believe is going through this transition. I am just trying listen and leave her be and allow her to figure things out but also let her know that however she decides to live is her decision alone and we as a family continue to love and protect her.
Seeing Brie in those old buzzfeed videos made me happy that Kristen has someone who makes her feel special and now I realize that it's two sides of the same coin and I couldn't be happier
this was incredible. i find it so helpful to hear the nitty gritty of people’s relationships. it’s normalizing the growing pains relationships go through. thank you for your visibility! you’re very appreciated ❤
Just hearing the honest journey about how you too struggled (especially because in videos I'd have never guessed, I always assumed you had a frictionless transition!) is a huge help! Makes things feel much more realistic and less urgency to do everything right, quickly, immediately. Knowing that there are ups and downs and that they are normal and okay is hugely motivating, just have to remember to be respectful and communicative and leave space for your partner. Great video, lots of love to everyone on the channel!
I always love how you help her shop and give makeup tips. You know that the same good person with a beautiful heart is still next to you. Helping her transition and be who she is truly meant to be is awesome! The relief of having it out there, and being able to be that open with each other is a wonderful gift. A meant to be relationship. Couple goals! And no, nobody owes any explanation of how you live YOUR lives. But still, thank you for the video, it's kinda interesting to hear your story
you two are providing an invaluable resource for people and thank you so much for teh vulnerability. Bc Brie is right there isnt a ton of literature and honestly this video is now a primary source. i really hope that when people who were in Kristens position years ago now find this video before they read all of the garbage that come from "trans widows" .
This is an amazing video you two put out! I came out as nonbinary about a year into my fiance and I dating. It's been a process for us both. I found it frustrating that my fellow nonbinary beans would tell me that it was instantly unhealthy if my partner didn't give me seamless, 100% support. I love my friends and i know they have good intentions but i hate that mentality of "just break up". Like no. Tough stuff happens in every relationship and just instsntly calling it quits is not how I roll. It is definitely not always a smooth process and I want to give him that space to tell me what he's feeling. That goes for my identity and anything else.
Everyone wants different things and some trans people are willing and able to hold space for their partners positive and negative feelings about their transition. Some are not, and end up breaking things off because they just do not have that capacity or desire to hold that space while processing themselves, or just feel they need time and space to focus on their identity and needs, and progress in their transitions before they are ready to exist in a relationship again. Or maybe they would prefer to be with someone who only knows them as their true selves, and has no grief to process about who they were.
Neither is right or wrong, it just a difference in preference. Same with people who choose to stay with their partners who come out as trans vs. not because incompatibility in orientation or just not having the capacity to walk through that with them because of their own shit. It is unfortunate that your nonbinary friends thinks anything other than complete frictionless acceptance without complex feelings warrants a break up for everyone, but for some people it does and that isn't wrong.
This gives me hope as a trans guy who's scared to start dating. Love you guys and appreciate the video!!!
Hey, I have multiple trans friends of all genders and for most it isn't a barrier to having happy and healthy love lives. Dating is scary, and definitely moreso when you're trans, but you'll find your people.
Id be so happy if my partner found out they were trans. I honestly would be so honored to hold space for them to find their new self and see them as they want to be seen .
I once was talking with a guy. I, a cis woman was taking a very small dose of T because of a health problem unrelated to transitioning and it came up. He said he was also taking T and I said oh so you have low T?
He was very confused then came out as a trans man as if it was obvious.
He genuinely thought I was being nice when I said I didn't know and it was such a sweet experience being likely the first person to give that to him.
There's people out here that are accepting of you.
@@Junitunes that genuinely warms my heart
Thank you for being willing to share this part of your life. I understand that no one can expect anyone to share something this personal to such a large audience. Especially Brie, who never chose this life to begin with. Your courage is amazing, and I appreciate it so much. My daughter is transitioning, and these videos help me so much know that there is a community and to know other's journeys. It helps 🩵🩷
this is really nice to watch for me, as a trans woman who has for my whole life avoided romantic relationships out of fear. hearing you two talk candidly about the difficulties of a relationship without blame was just so refreshing. i’m sure that so many people will get value out of this video in so many different ways. thank you so much for this 💕
I’m not settling until I find someone that I can have conversations like this with. Open, honest, thoughtful, caring.
Thank you so much for speaking about this topic with so much kindness and honesty. It makes me feel hopeful for my own future. I'm a closeted genderqueer lesbian who is still dealing with my own complex feelings regarding gender & it was so cathartic to hear Brie talking about how she felt that the world would end if she acknowledged her gender, since I felt the same for a really long time (and even now sometimes!). What I am most worried about is losing people in my life, especially as I am an increasingly masculine presenting, so it gives me a lot of comfort to hear that people can work through complicated feelings surrounding transition together. I feel like I never hear people talk about the scary parts of transitioning in a way that's trans supporting. Love you both!
Once Brie came out, both of your smiles got bigger, eyes got sparkle-ier, and faces got brighter. I love seeing how happy you both are! A family friend had a similar experience to Kristin, except opposite. She had identified as straight for her entire life, up until she met her wife (now husband). Her spouse came out as transgender (but he has a medical condition that means that he was born with XO instead of XX or XY), and he transitions every quickly! Over 15 years later, they’re still married, and they have two gorgeous girls
Thank you both for such a beautiful and meaningful video. I relate so much to Brie’s fear about losing your relationship when she came out, it’s such a terrifying and brave thing to have to do. Also, there are some amazing artists on Etsy who could totally edit Brie out of boy mode and into girl mode in that photo of you both with Kristin’s grandma! I know a bunch of trans people who have been able to keep meaningful photos that way, if it appeals! Thank you both again for sharing so much with us all ❤️
I loved this video. I'm straight & Cis, raised Christian, but I still felt like this was very relatable and of course inciteful. Marriage scares tf outta me because in life people change all the time. You can marry one person and either of you may have completely different values or desires 5, 10, 20 yrs later. It's a big leap of faith .
It's so good to hear about this journey because not everything is going to be easy. I'm glad you were able to be transparent about the mistakes made along the way. I'm glad you both came out on the other side together ♡
There really are not enough videos like this out here. Thank you so much for creating this. I've had all different kinds of genders and transitional states of partners in the past, it can be a real journey. Thank you for sharing yours
Thank you for sharing your experience and how you've been working through things together. I think this video will be helpful for a lot of people! One thing I worry about in our community is I've sometimes seen some folks with the expectation that the spouse can't have any feelings other than mega positive ones, or they're a terrible person, and that the spouse's sexuality and/or romantic attractions don't matter in the situation at all. Which is kind of awful. Partners need love and time to process and figure things out, too.
I love you both so much--and the audio person. This is the best useful difficult discussion I've heard on this. I've had friends who lost spouses after transition and you really talked clearly about why and about how y'all didn't. Thanks.
Thank you both so much, I really needed to hear so many of the things said in this video. I had a mental health crisis a few weeks ago that I'm still recovering from, and it's left me questioning everything about myself, my life, and my marriage of over a decade. My spouse and I are trying to navigate through this and it's VERY hard. Couples therapy, individual therapy, basically turning our lives upside down and seeing what works and what doesn't. I'm still not sure what the end game will be, but hearing that a relationship is a journey and not a destination feels so much more reassuring than the "You need to be 125% in love every second of every day or else you need to GTFO of your marriage!" type of advice that's so prevalent.
You being a fellow LGBTQ+ couple talking about going through similar difficulties as I am both on an individual and couples level means so, so much to me. I really appreciate you both sharing! ❤
Thanks for doing this video. There's value in knowing that the human experience is messy and isn't perfect, but if you're experiencing honestly and genuinely, things will probably turn out okay
I find this really relatable as someone in a long-term relationship going on ten years. My partner and I were struggling with certain aspects of our relationship before the pandemic, so when we were suddenly stuck together everything blew up. We had to do a lot of counseling, work, and healing, and now we have a better relationship than ever. I've never seen or heard anyone express what it's like to go through a big transition better than you two did in this video. Thank you ❤️
I’ve really never seen two people who better understand what marriage is supposed to be about. This is so honest and so beautiful.
as a cishet woman, this has been very informative in a way that gives me additional insight in how to best support those around me in my community and the spaces i’m in. thank you for sharing something that’s incredibly personal. i’m sure it has benefited so many viewers :) ❤ rooting for your continued love and growth!
The fact you two are saying things at the same time means you’re both really on the same page about what happened in retrospect. And it keeps giving me goosebumps that you have this solidarity together. Thank you for sharing with us
I really appreciate the honesty in this video. Though neither my husband nor I are transitioning, I think the discussion about processing together is really important. And people change and there can be big grief and little grief and everything in between. We went through a rough patch this summer, and a lot of it, I think, was because he was going through stuff but was processing it all separately. We're good now, but yeah... I really love this video, and I just appreciate how honest you were - that it wasn't easy and that y'all worked at things. ❤️
Young adult with a long term trans partner here! Thank you both for sharing your perspectives online, positive examples of relationships like mine are so important to me 💜🏳️⚧️
Thank you both for your vulnerability, honesty and willingness to share. It's been beautiful to witness this journey you're on together ❤
Your relationship is absolutely beautiful and the visibility and thoughtful discussion you being into the community through your platform is so incredible!
I have a very dear friend whose husband transitioned, back in the 70's. They are still married, and they have the most amazing relationship despite how insane it was in the 70s for something like that to happen! Just wanted you to know, she and her wife send you KUDOS for doing this, because back then they'd have been helped SO. VERY. MUCH. if they'd been able to talk with similar couples. Wishing both of you the very best, and wonderful life together!
I really appreciate your guys' willingness to talk so openly and candidly about everything you and your relationship went through. I've never been in a situation like yours, but its still almost reassuring to know that the two of you, one of the queer couples I look up to the most, had your own challenges and hurdles to jump. I'm so glad you've both come out stronger and more yourselves than you've ever been. Thank you for all that you're willing to share with us, and thank you for being such a realistic and lovely representation of a modern queer couple. So much love to both of you (and Jen!) 💕
So first off, I’m so glad you both choose to share this as I know it absolutely will help other folks going through a similar experience. And second, OMGGGG Kristin I feel your pain about the failed spinal tap. When I had my c-section they spent AN HOUR trying to get the stupid spinal block to work while I just sobbed. I had huge bruises all over my back after the surgery it was so traumatizing. They eventually had to put me under general anesthesia and I wish they had just done it sooner!
this is a truly gorgeous video. i love that y'all are able to talk about hardships you've weathered as a couple while not delving into the common straight/cis "relationships are HARD WORK, u will HATE EVERY DAY with your spouse, u will FALL ASLEEP and WAKE UP RESENTING THEM" energy that i see a lot online lmfao. like, it's clear that beyond any difficulties you've gone through, you both have a deep and abiding love and respect for each other, and it's really beautiful to see
and i couldn't help but laugh -- my mom has been married three times, and when i asked her what made her marriage to my dad stick (40+ years bayBEEEE) she said, "everybody grows, and you have to get married to someone who grows in the same direction as you." i wish y'all decades of happiness too!
Thank you for being so open and honest in this video. So much of this advice is helpful for any couple going through any kind of change, ect, in their marriage. I'm so glad you guys were able to work things out. Your relationship is so precious. 💜
Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us! You are right when you say that we are not entitled to it, but it can help so many other people and for that I am really grateful. Your channel is a source of light in this world and I appreciate you three soo much!
This is honestly one of the best videos on UA-cam that I've ever seen. I believe you have been talking about making it for over a year, and I have to say, all of these "behind the scenes" issues were not at all apparent on screen or social media. This was concise and covered a ton of issues a relationship can endure. I feel a lot of this advice is useful for a lot of different situations in a romantic relationship. I can definitely see myself referring to it non-stop with future partners. 😅 I basically feel like I learned 20 new things about healthy emotional responses in one go, and I feel much more prepared to navigate a successful relationship(s).
This video was AMAZING. Honestly, as a casual viewer I assumed that you guys didn't have any issue with Brie's transition and just went with the flow of things. Hearing the struggles and work you both did to reach where you are now and be happy together in this new way was really beautiful.
I HATED searching for support online at first. I found nothing useful. Brie actually came out online around the time my wife came out and you guys helped me. You gave me a couple that looked happy but that you worked to get there and that's how I felt. I was happy for my wife becoming the person she knew herself as, but I knew it was going to be work for us both and everything before I saw your video made me think I had to either be insanely happy with no negative emotions or that I needed to leave and that never felt right.
So your wife was formerly your husband?
@@dovegoddess1100 yes.