I Watched Bert Kreischer’s The Machine, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
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- Опубліковано 1 лип 2023
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#bertkreischer #themachine #themachinemovie #jimmytatro #markhamill
I’ve never watched Bert or heard this story. I can’t imagine sitting through his standup with his shirt off.
i have always been amazed that this guy has fans.
Amy Schumar has fans. Life’s funny that way.
it works out for him bc casuals dont care about truth and dont look into any thing past enjoying it
@@stoybtorn
I wish I had the ability to do that
@@zzzzbumm4608 there's better things to wish for than lack of critical thinking
Brendan schuab has fans crazy right!
I'm still VERY skeptical about this whole "Machine" story. Bert is a notorious liar, and I just never bought it.
Definitely a liar
You’re gullible if you’re still skeptical. He’s fucking lying hahahah .
Hands down worsted joke ever. Fucking hate it . seen bert live few times and hate listening to made up garbage fake story thats not even remotely funny
It's obviously a made up story
Yes, i liked him for a bit. Now I realize how ridiculous his comedy and persona are.
Bert failing warms my heart
Herps4life. Wtf. I gotta tell ya Burt is filthy rich and no question you are not.
@@howardlloyd9183 Bert* Jared from subway has more money than I do too lol what does Bert being rich have to do with what I said?
@@howardlloyd9183you got owned there bro
@@howardlloyd9183no amount of money will make him actually funny
That's probably because your life is awful.
This was good for Bert, he doesn't have anyone around him that will tell him the truth, in terms of that he isn't a comedian rather a gimmick that is expiring.
He wouldn't belive them if they told him. His mummy told him he could be anything, and he never grew up to make his own analysis of the world around him
Bert doesn’t have the self awareness to recognize what a joke he is.
He's done so many things in so many different industries that he's become mediocre at them all
He can't expire quick enough
Im like a moth to a flame , with videos hating on hack comedians. I can barely get through bert ones . Those pig squeal noises are unbearable
I'd really like to meet a person who finds Bert funny and have a few words with said individual.
Someone said it's like when u pull the opening of a full balloon open to slowly release the air and I'm like, bingo. I knew I heard that obnoxious noise before. So fake, just like Bert.
Bert is probably hoping to launch his own brand of low quality vodka.
(Shout out to Tiger Thiccc)
That's Thick nectar B
Bert? Great guy, never meddum
he could call it LionBellly (i even put in an extra L there like Tiger Thiccc)
Great whiggsky, never had it
Probably tried
Using a fake nickname, given to yourself by yourself, from a horseshit story you made up and then plugging it into a script 35,686 times is not only annoying it’s fairly sad. He’s made it obvious that he can’t do any better than that stupid story so he’s going to keep it on repeat for as long as he possibly can.
Does he not do the Story at every Special in the End?
Id do it if it made me a multimillionaire. I dont enjoy Bert either but you have to give him credit for what he did having zero talent
I fell asleep 3 times trying to watch it, and im being dead honest
I watched less then half. It was so bad i forgot to Ask Google refund, tried today, did not work
Poor Mark Hamill. Can you imagine having to say these lines with a straight face or act like Bert can act or in the same universe as Mark
You live long enough you get to scream “ I was f’ng Luke skywalker!” at your reflection, then cash that “machine” check and walk into the cold Belgrade night to shoot one more comedic climax of a scene.
Marks just as much of a tool
I feel bad thinking about how he had to step away as the joker since it was causing problems for his voice and he had also can’t play his iconic character Luke anymore because Disney threw him in the garbage can and now he’s in a movie with this fraud
Rapsittie Street Kids exists so this isn't the worst thing on his resume by a long shot.
Nobody held a gun to his head and forced him to be in that movie. He had the option to say no, but didn't do that. 🤷🏻♂️
I saw this movie in theatres about a week after it came out. 4pm showing. Only two people in the theatre. Afterwards the old guy in the theatre asked me what I thought and I just said "I laughed a few times, but don't ever want to see it again." He said "yeah, it was stupid. A few laughs was rough for the time spent."
I'm sure one of those 2 ppl in the theater was Bert. He can't seem to get enough of that stupid, bs story.
"A story that totally happened!" - Bert Bert
Oof Mark Hamil really is at rock bottom if he's in this
He was in Rapsittie Street Kids, so this isn't the worst thing he's been in.
You clearly didn't see The Last Jedi 😂😂
Truly suffered for your fans dude, thankyou for your sacrifice.
Literally lol
The Rogan comedy crew fanbase is largely made up of people who have rejected traditional entertainment. The fact they thought they could push the box office was odd. The trailer was bad and you tell Rogan was only being positive about it out of his work-friendship.
Spot on observation. Not only was it odd, it also conflicted with the Rogan crew's whole "so glad we don't need Hollywood anymore" shtick.
Maybe streaming will do better for their numbers.
I wouldn't know though.
I'm not a numbers guy, B. Axe Jay
All of them are one trick ponies, talentless individuals who just tried to use Rogan's platform as a ladder to reach bigger audiences. It's great to see them failing miserably
This is a very good point
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who knew this movie would be nothing more than a visual re-telling of the near infinite re-tellings regarding the "Machine" narrative (which likely never happened considering Brets personal challenges with the truth) but aside from the obvious, I do greatly appreciate you jumping on this grenade for the rest of us in order to affirm both, what we felt would be true yet also, putting our hopes of a genuine action-comedy to rest along with the chance that no studio will ever finance a Chrysler lead film. Sincerely, thank you for your service 🙏
They'll be going with GM for their movie productions forthwith.
@Fractal_blip it's not what you described at all, it's a sequel to the terrible story.
This man basically sacrificed himself for us. We appreciate u
Ain't nobody a Bert fan still. We're just civilians. Pedestrians. Thank em.
Why do they say that?
Who else hate watched it for free with a torrent? I deleted it off my computer 🖥️ very quickly. Rotten 🍅
For those who don’t speak russian, я машина also means “I’m a car”. That’s probably why they thought what he said was so funny.
And that movie was such a failure, that you had to point that out in a UA-cam comments section rather than the writers putting that in the story. It would have made more sense if the audience (which mostly doesn’t speak any Russian) had known that.
I think Brenda's tough comedy is starting to open eyes to the other podcast comedies comedy 😂😂😂
The only one I can watch anymore is theo.
My man is riding this machine shit for decades
DIIIICEY DICEY!
It’s just a movie. Why are you criticizing it as if it’s supposed to be a documentary?
it's insane they spent 20 mil on it,🤡
Amazed they would let this dude make a movie
Ima Pray for your mental sanity brother 🙏🏾
This movie was so bad its even hard to make fun of. Bert just stick to terrible podcasts please.
Mark Hamill earning a paycheck is the only good thing about this movie
I went and saw it in the theater, one of the two weeks it was there. There was literally 4 people in the entire theater on a Friday night, even though the parking lot was full of cars to the theater
Why the fuck would you pay money to see this garbage movie.
You need to see a doctor
Stop it. Get some help.
That zoom in on the belly button had me scared as fuck 😂
That's in theaters?? 😂 The outro looks way better.
His squeaky laughing voice makes me angry.
Ommmgggg i needed this notification.
You are doing good work ❤
Its not a bad movie, i actually liked it. These youtube critics are just trying to make some money by being kittle b$tches and talking sh$t about people who actually do things.
There's a fine line between 'vanity project' and out right flop (mainly budget and celebrity status). The Machine (and most terrible movies made by stand up comedians) are little more than vanity projects, and that's the problem. I predicted this movie would flop hard and it did. Not because it's bad (which it is) and not because Bert is not a good comedian or actor (which he isn't), but because it's a vanity project. I feel the general audience has an inherent distain for vanity projects. No one wants to see someone in a project stroking their own 'ego' (to use a more pc term), with terrible writing and directing and acting. Could there have been a movie with a Bert-like character that could have been a passable comedy. Yes. It was called Van Wilder.
Long as he’s not obnoxiously laughing the whole movie it’s probably tolerable
I don’t like Bert at all and the movie was decent. I had it on while I was working and some parts were pretty funny.
you missed a lot of details on why this film was bad.
How about the stuff with his daughter where they establish there's tension then by the end of the film, just because he went to Russia, she has a 180 pivot at the end without being in the film. Someone told him what character development looks like and he said "i want that with my on-screen daughter!" and they forgot to write in the rest.
You got the watch details on point, how about him randomly running into one of the people from his past in the middle of the woods after being thrown from a train randomly by his father. Who then, doesn't get murdered but goes and does drugs with the Russian gangsters. This film was written by a room of yes-men agreeing with everything Bert pitched.
I get it, it's a comedy, you're not supposed to take continuity seriously or expect a coherent well-written film, but jesus christ that was awful.
I didn’t understand anything that was going on with the daughter. Some of the violence was pretty comedic with the jokes they threw in
Bert is insufferable
I'm no Bert fan bapa sloooooow down, but...
Isn't the walk through walls thing just representing the "legend" of the machine and how the story wildly developed through the "telephone game" and urban legend over time?
Exactly
Yes but still sounded silly af
I saw that this movie has an 87℅ audience score on Rotten Tomatoes. Seems like most of the budget for this went into hiring review bots.
Jesus, I can't even take the clips. 5 mins is enough. Sorry dicey dicey, I'm out - love the channel but cant take any more Bert.
I know, I loatheeeeee Bert
good ole jimmy out here working still thats big
Should have called it “The Meh-chine"
Why is the movie clips volume so low on this video????
I'm sorry you watched this movie.
Im sure joe rogan pulled many strings with or no actual work
Bert wasnt even telling this story until Rogan said he should iirc. So, 80% royalties for Joe yeah?
It should have gone straight to UA-cam or his website. Also, how did you make it through 3 minutes of his lisp narration?
I watched part of the machine. It wasnt terrible, but thats only because standards are so low. Its about as bad as most low budget crap that gets shat out these days. Sadly from all reports, this was not that low budget.
It was horrible. The way they wrote it around the feminist agenda was actually disheartening, and made me loose respect for Bert. They flat out fucked up one of the best themes for comedy movies. The theme is men cutting loose. Here's a few movies that actually stay true to the theme. Super Bad, hot tub time machine, dumb and dumber, hangover, bachelor party, old school, etc....
Look there is s no place for The feminist agenda in these movies. That's what the original Russian Mafia story was, unsupervised young men cutting loose.
Look, these are some of the funniest movies ever and there is a common theme to all of them. They usually revolve around women, but the women have limited screen time. The movies are all about boys being boys.
What Bert did was try to make one of these movies with a female chaperone. It throws off the dynamic and was more of an attempt to attract more female ticket buyers.
But that's not what women want either. Women know how men act when they are around. Women want want to know what men are up to when they're not around. On top of that women know when you're treating them like they're dumb.
Another big problem is bert has zero idea how to act. He has zero imdb credits. It would be like your first fight is for a world title. If his ego wasnt so big he could have written a machine story than he wasnt in like tucker max’s i hope they serve beers in hell. But bert is the worlds biggest narcissist so it has to he all about him and a vanity project
You're quite talented. And this is very enjoyable. I would also like to see you do something about something you enjoy or someone you enjoy. Just a thought.
I made it as far as Bert laughing, paused it, am leaving this comment and will be watching something else, I can’t do it to myself.
The idea of a simple funny story like "the machine" becoming a film aint a bad one.
Done right it could be a hit comedy film.
But guys like Bert, Segura, Rogan etc. can not get over one thing: themselves!
They are "artists who possess talent that can not be attained nor perceived by the common man".
I don't want that
Never understood how any one finds him remotely funny. Ugh
I saw this guy on some JRE clips once.
I dislike Bert, I don’t believe the story happened. I can’t understand how anyone is a fan of his. Even if the story were true, or better again if it was told by someone funny I didn’t dislike, it’s still isn’t a funny story it’s just crazy. The whole situation is insane.
The Rogans crew has never been funny. Theo isn’t a part of that crew. And Ari to me isn’t funny either. Imo
He treated Shane G like crap but once he started getting steam he’s gas him on multiple times
Joe ain’t funny
I still I’m so confused on this movies plot
It’s fat man takes his shirt off and tells Russians he’s the machine
@@joemazza2583:o
Wouldn't he look like he did at 23 on the vodka ads? Why does he look like current Burt? And he ain't that fat. That "joke" makes no sense.
People that like Bert like The Idol I am convinced
why would anyone wanna see him on stage or in a movie
I hope you are okay after watching this. You should probably take a few months off for your mental health.
This movie should be in the same tree class of movie as seagal 😂😂
I never thought that he was or is funny.
I’m a big fan and shut it off two different times and couldn’t finish it!
I never got Bert being famous other than rogan pushing him
In Russian “the machine” means the car 🤣🤣
Jimmy was way above this.
Poor Bert
I actually didnt dislike the movie. But I did have a 5th of wine in me at the time.
2:52 Wow was that Luke Skywalker!? He must have fallen on hard times if he’s doing movies with Bert Crysher
I think Steve Rannazzisi has been telling the same story for a long time too...but there was a lot of proof about his..."bit"
"even his fans will be disappointed"
I think you're giving his fan base too much credit
I told my son that was patrice O'Neil
Your first problem is that you actually took the movie seriously
That old Russian dude gives me reznov vides 😂
An accurate alternative for the video title could be: “I crucified myself to save all my viewers” because watching any of Berts content makes me wanna kiss the barrel of a shotgun
One of the worst lies ever told turned into a movie was a flop? Noooo, how!? 😂😂😂
Next Sebastian Maniscalco’s movie
the machine wasn't quite terrible, but it certainly unremarkable
I do comedy….
I'm willing to bet his whole machine story is bs.
I think you nailed it. Middle of the road for sure but that's not the point. We knew it wasn't going to be Forrest Gump. The point is to go out and support standup comics if that's what you like. If your not a standup fan you probably wouldn't get it.
Lol, oh no. Us pedestrians get it. It's just fucking stupid.
I'm not a fan of Bert but he claims his fans make him do the machine bit. He says he wanted to stop it after the special it was in.
Dicey
I watched it, think I laughed once but for the life of me I can't tell you what that scene was. Edit: pretty sure it was one with mark Hamill
I thought the chick talking about Family Matters was worth a smirk. Every other thing about the movie was bad.
@@forgivemylaughter ah yeah that was cute
Can't believe there are people in the comments like "the story probably isn't even true" lmfao. OF COURSE IT'S NOT TRUE?! The entire thing is figuratively and literally just a plot for a really bad movie. Nothing about any of it is even remotely believable.
On a scale of Gringo Papi to 10, what would u rate The Machine?
Has a whole UA-cam channel dissing failed comedians 😂
It was a decent one time watch movie, went to see it on one of my days off.
I thought they spent 35 million?
Burt makes "comedy" for 18-20 yr old suburban kids who just left home and haven't developed their identity yet and need catch phrases to relate to each other.
Tell me his laughing fits aren't fake as fuck.
Y this movie reminds me of kungfu panda
Bert has fans ?
You should become a psychologist. Analyzing the Narcs .
Why is Mark Hamill in this? He deserves better.
Perhaps its nostalgia but i dont really get the hate. Hes character isnt really funny anymore but i certainly dont hate him