Autistic individuals also tend to be much more self-aware (out of necessity) and will actually communicate their needs, thoughts, feelings, and intentions when given a safe space to do so.
Part of my autism is struggling,to put how I'm feeling and what I need into words and it's extremely frustrating when I'm mad or hurt by my partner and I can't verbalize how I feel so i guess this doesn't apply to me 😂
@@adriannegonzalez3277 I agree with you. Generally, I think it takes a lot of work for people on the spectrum to communicate their thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Obviously this is not applicable to everyone who has autism furthermore it applies to people who don't. Love to you and yours while on your journey. ❤
@@adriannegonzalez3277 This is so real I have a much easier time communicating through text, so I often ask them if I can just message them about it Or for something I really can't explain I'll ask them to give me some time and then I'll have finally figured out what to say a few days later If they're also ND though they pick up my patterns over time and that makes it a lot easier to just answer yes or no to their direct suspicions Communicating is hard 🥲 But everything I say is exactly what I mean, even if it takes a bit to process
@@adriannegonzalez3277 I think what you're saying is how it is for most people who didn't grow up in an ideal household or didn't get lucky that their autism formed in the way the guy in this video is speaking about. I like that he's talking about autism as a likeable trait but don't like that he's narrowing it down so much as that single symptom that not all autistic people have. I might be autistic, I genuinely have no clue I have a myriad of issues including OCD and add or some form of. We have some autistic family members it turns out (my brother and I grew up extremely sheltered). We do know for a fact my niece is autistic and on the higher side of the spectrum. She is EXTREMELY intelligent (honestly shockingly so for her age at times), and was very delayed in her speech. Even though she's 10 yrs old now she still tends to speak with a baby voice, and stutters (more like it takes her awhile to get her sentence out and will repeat words like and, or other conjunctions because you can tell she's REALLY thinking about what she says.) She can be such a kind beautiful soul and at other times come across so cold because she doesn't realize the implications of a situation lol. In her heart though she is the kindest soul. She always goes above and beyond to cheer my daughter up and literally will sing to her when she gets upset. It's the cutest thing.
As an autistic man, a woman told me that my open communication was something she hated about me and instead of telling her I was upset and why, she preferred if I kept my anger to myself, and be passive aggressive until she figured out I was upset. Literally speaking, that was the last conversation I had with her. Way too much drama.
so she would have preferred you to be less clear and more passive-agressive ? As a woman I don't relate, I don't want that in partner, some people are so freaking weird lmao
WOW! She's asking a guy to be fake and mean, rather than honest and genuine. Sorry for your loss, but truly I'm happy you got out of that toxic relationship!😊
I was 32 when I realised that being literal wasn’t the default setting and that when a partner would tell me I was harsh or blunt I was confused because I was only trying to be truthful and honest. I don’t have a diagnosis and won’t ever be able to afford one but the more I’ve learnt about autism over the past year, the more I’ve been able to understand myself, the world around me and my place in it. Why is honestly not the default setting?
Agreed, over time I’ve realized I may be on the spectrum, I’ve bombed a lot of friendships because I don’t understand how to sugar coat, I’ve been told numerous times that I am blunt, cold hearted, and harsh. I’m normally a very introverted person but I forced myself to be extroverted as not to seem weird to others, I’m more comfortable now because my only friend is my husband and I can be myself with him
The question every autistic has asked. I always wondered why anyone would expend the energy to play all those dating mind games. When I realized they didn't know that that was what they were doing I was stunned.
To practice honesty, one has to be taught that as a way of life and tell me looking around you, adults older than you and if you can find one directly honest person. Also as much as autism translates to being honest and direct, there is still a degree of emotional intelligence needed in communication because thats what its about.
I think I’ve masked my whole life as a “gifted “ girlie BUT I MEAN WHAT I SAY AND I SAY WHAT I MEAN!!!! You don’t have to wonder. I just wish everyone else was the same way.😢
I don't believe in most diagnosis, because to me it's absolutely absurd we need to diagnose somebody with being able to tell things how they are! Power to you, sis! I believe frankness keeps us out of a lot of manipulative situations 🙌
I had a guy say to me when I visited him for the first time" I love it that you are so naive" yeah duhhh😒 . triggered my past experience with full blown Narcist , Turned out he is autistic as well.. We are still together but he is annoying and an assh*** , but he is my annoying ass*** 😊.
The thing is I have dated autistic men as an autistic woman, but it's like they always expected me to be better at everything, including communication, than them. They were always expecting me to be the subtle one, while they got to be blunt, even though they knew I had autism. I think we need to hold the same standard for both genders in the autistic spectrum. They never wanted to be criticized but they always thought they could criticize me.
OMG!!!! YES! I finally (in my 50's) decided Bellessa was the best partner I could find, and I have allowed all the people who want me to do their emotional labor for them to go (literally telling them, "I feel like our dating/being in a relationship is interfering with your growth, so I'm going to remove myself from the equation so you can have the opportunity to learn emotional regulation and accountability") Yeah, sometimes I'm lonely. But I travel more now, I have more meaningful friendships, and I am nowhere near as exhausted anymore/no longer working in spoon deficit. I am authentically me, and only the people who genuinely like me as I am get to spend time with me. May you, too, give your self permission to be your complete authentic self, so you can make room for better people to come into your life! (When I was younger, I was able to communicate with men better, because they "appreciated my honesty and bluntness". In my 30's, men started getting resentful that I wouldn't do their labor for them, and spent a decade with only a handful of friends. Now, I have a healthy friendship circle with autistic women 😂)
I feel like this a lot in relationships too. I feel like I need to date either AuDHD guys or guys who are autistic or ADHD, but have done a lot of the internal work on themselves to be able to see when there needs to be room for both of our neurodivergencies in the relationship. It should be a balance, not one or the other. Even when I dated someone who was just ADHD, he would always blame things on ADHD, but without making any attempts to find strategies to work with his ADHD. Everything was put on me, and when I couldn’t handle it, it was my fault and I was a “b****” for “nagging”. When I was just trying to keep myself from getting overwhelmed and overstimulated.
I have autism and ADHD. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but I strongly suspect he has ADHD. We communicate perfectly. Early on, we had misunderstandings that led to fights but the fights led to better communication. Although we disagree sometimes now, we never fight. And to be fair, most of our misunderstanding came from a language barrier, not neurodivergence. As a fellow autie , let me tell you, don’t settle for poor communication. This relationship is like a drink of pure water after being in a desert my whole life. My bluntness makes other people angry with me but he loves it ❤
As an autistic mother to two autistic boys, now teens, I totally agree. I raise them with “your future partner won’t be your mom, take accountability, and hormones really suck so be kind” approach in mind. I’ve been “the girl/the woman” in that way for that, they bring me a chocolate bar or ice cream when I’m having a hard period ☺️ I don’t want them to struggle with relationships, I want them to be able to have great friendships and long lasting happy relationships. Luckily, they mostly listened. It’s doable, but it’s much extra work, and for mamas, so I don’t want to blame anyone.
I think that’s often just internalized misogyny. Expecting women to be quiet and timid and demure always takes priority when that’s something so expected and “right” to most people.
I still remember one guy I went on a date with who kept saying, "Well gee, tell me what you really think," and I was so confused because that's what I did. When I went home I realized what he meant after over analyzing lol
I hate passive aggressive ppl like that tho 🙄 theure immature and drain ppl emotions and energy. Tbh not worth dealing with petty immature ppl like that. They're just too afriad" to express how they actually feel, and due to society feel the need to shame" other actual honest or expressive ppl into boxes'.
It takes me 3 days to get why someone said something sometimes I feel like txting em and telling em i get it but its never someone that actually gives a f- i stopped that unless it seems necessary to tell em in person.
So, my daughter is a pre-teen, and we just had a VERY similar conversation about her friends. The friend who has just been diagnosed as autistic has always struggled to make friends, and sometimes mis-reads the situation, or reacts in unexpected ways, etc. However, I explained that she is ALSO going to be very direct, and the sneaky bull crap some of her other “friends” might pull, she would NOT do. The main one being - drop you for another friend and just not be your friend anymore. I just pointed that out, like, “You know, even though it sometimes seems a bit hard to connect with H, she is a loyal friend, who values being friends with you! And if she says she likes your shirt, she actually really likes your shirt!” ❤
I'm autistic 40yr old female, once I found out so much made sense. Everyone thought I was mean when they said tell the truth and I told them the truth 😂
I'm autistic, and my husband and I actually have excellent communication skills with each other. Early in our relationship, we saw a therapist, not cause anything was wrong, but because we wanted to develop these skills together. She helped us learn each other's communication styles and love language and gave us other tools. Seven years later, we still have a strong foundation for our marriage.
My husband is on the spectrum. We went to premarital counseling because we wanted to see if there was anything that we still struggled with as a couple. Also to make sure we were building good communication habits. Been married for a few years now, and things have been going really well. We have really honest and open communication, and let each other know when we are stressed. My husband can tell when people are off, upset, sad, tired, and angry. But he can't tell which is which, and that makes him anxious and stressed. So when I come home, I verbally tell him what I'm feeling so he isn't stressing himself out trying to figure it out.
I’ve often wondered if meeting the right person was a crapshoot. My husband and I met in the Army. We had the same quirky humor, the same nerdy interests… over 40 years later we both realize we are both neurodivergent. We still have the same quirky humor and nerdy interests. Yup, a crapshoot, and I got the prize.
Sounds like me, I’m saying things plainly and exactly to the point…..people think I’m making a joke! I guess it sounds too out there for it to be anything else but funny. Lots of misunderstandings and I often wished I lived alone with my pets and worked a job where I didn’t have to communicate with people daily!
lolllls. Hard resonate. Especially when I voice my darkest observations about humanity with a flat affect and deadpan voice... everyone assumes I'm joking and I don't mind providing some comic relief... but I'm very much serious and stuff really is that messed up lol.
EXACTLY! My dear, but annoying aunt: "It sure is hot out today". Me: "Yep" Aunt: "I thought I was going to die on the way here" Me "You thought you were going to DIE???" Aunt "Well it's just so hot outside. (pause) do you have air conditioning?" (She knows I have a/c.) Me: "yes. I have a/c" Aunt "Is there any way we can turn it on?" (😮💨 yes...there is, infact, a way we can turn on the a/c. & fyi: it's a one-person task). It goes on & on til I finally ask "would you like the a/c to be turned on? Is THAT what you want me to know?" Aunt: "Well yeah...I'm just trying to be polite. (pause)...Do you have any water?". 😮💨. At that point I'm very tempted to be sarcastic. ("Nope. No water in THIS house... That liquid-you stuff that flows from my kitchen sink, that you've successfully operated dozens of times, all by yourself....that is not water. Its transparent goat milk. I've bn fooling you this entire time". Another example: "Do you think that's a good idea?...to leave the cap off the ketchup?"
Having dated/trauma-bonded to an avoindant just before, moving to an autistic was such a breath of fresh air. I really appreciated the direct communications. No games, no guessing. I don't even know what to expect from neuro typicals now...
I had a guy once say to me "Ive never met someone who says the things you say...out loud". I remember asking him what he meant and he couldn't really explain. It stuck with me because that was the first time I'd noticed that I actually hear similar things fairly often when just getting to know someone.
Yeah NTs have this built in diplomacy bullspit filter... Skate around the truth so people don't get upset, instead of saying what they actually mean 🤦🏻♀️
From my experience, most NTs feel shame about certain topics/having certain thoughts and feelings. It may have been the case with everyone, but no one wants to talk about it because it's usually embarrassing or that it's just a taboo. But an auti doesn't have that kind of social filter and would speak it all aloud. (Think polite society spontaneous gasp)... I can be a good thing for society to have sometimes 😄
I’m autistic, my girlfriend loves it. They’ve been in straight up abusive relationships with women before, I don’t interpret her behavior like most people would. They’ll have a trauma response and they’ll start being pretty mean to me so I go “hey babe you’re acting weird, what’s that about?” And they’ll think about it and usually go “Oohhh… I thought you were gonna yell at me/hit me a second ago and even though you didn’t I’m still reacting as if you did. I’m sorry baby” and then I give them reassurance and we just move on, I’m pretty sure most people come up with an assumed explanation in those instances and it can turn into a fight but honestly I get stuff wrong so often I have a habit of just asking what’s wrong directly when someone’s behavior changes which turns out works well when you’re around someone who doesn’t understand their own behavior well. I also just give her a list of stuff I want for Valentine’s Day, I call it my “list of demands” I don’t like surprises usually so it works out. Our first Valentine’s Day they got me everything on my list plus a lil extra and we exchanged gifts and I was just so happy they got me everything i wanted and they stared at me in disbelief happily eating my candy and looking at my stuff because apparently gifts they got for past girlfriends were never good enough for them? But like it sounds like they never told her what they even wanted, they’re literally so attentive and sweet it kinda boggles my mind that these past girls had so many grievances with her. “You should know” is just such a stupid thing to say to someone, people aren’t mind readers. Yet this is the shit they use to be told all the time, sometimes I really think abusers are just too stupid for a normal adult relationship. When I’m actually mad I quite literally say “I’m mad at you right now. Because…” and then I explain why. She loves this so much, I don’t really get why because I actually have no idea how else she’d know I’m mad unless I tell her directly.
She likes when you say I’m mad becsue before it was always her fault and deflection and abuse makes her go …wow, so this is how a mature relationship works!
Many people get diagnosed really late in life, often as high functioning Autism. You’ve had to navigate through life for 40+ plus years, it’s absolutely exhausting. Sometimes all the pieces begin to go into place all of a sudden as you age and it’s a relief, no matter how difficult life has been.
Just start playing like you're being sarcastic. Some people don't like or understand sarcasm either, but at least you can try to keep people from thinking you're just an a**hole. At least you'll be a funny a**hole.
Either they think you're joking or lying. When I speak no matter what the situation or story is, it's the same tone. I've always had that problem. It sucks but it actually works in your favor because they can't say you didn't tell them.
@@courtneywilt7105 I’ve been acting like it’s sarcasm my whole life. I’m getting older and at my age people judge me for being immature for my sarcasm all because I’m being completely honest.
@@twilamatteson I’m always confused! Sometimes I ask point blank “what are you laughing at?” Or “why are you laughing?” but people don’t like being asked directly like that either. Life is hard and I’m very tired. 🤦♀️
SAME! My mother & my aunt are the WORST when it comes to beating around the bush. Ive confronted them both several times. They respond with "I was just trying to be polite". Ugh! It's not as if one needs to be ill-mannered in order to be direct. Infact, I find it RUDE to make me go thru a bunch of mental gymnastics trying to guess what they really want me to know, or what their actual question is.
I'm AuDHD. And communication for me with NTs is so damn frustrating!! I'm a little better at receiving information than giving it. It might take me a moment to process what has been said to me. But when it comes to trying to "find the word", trying to stay on track, its crazy! I feel like people hate talking to me. Husband complains all the time that he can never get a straight to the point story or answer. He's not ND, he just has little to no patience. Plus due to past traumas I have an overwhelming fear of being misunderstood. So I have a tendency to over explain. I NEED to know that you are on my page. And that at times can be overwhelming for NTs and exhausting for me.
Thank you for putting this into words. I have such a hard time describing to people what I actually mean bc words are hard. I'm the most indirect direct talker 😂
It's so weird how this is something I could have written myself🙈 it's 100% my experience as well, I'm AuDHD too, so maybe that's the reason🤷🏽♀️ And that fear of being misunderstood and believed, is the only problem in my communication. So if I'd find someone that made me feel okay in those aspect, I'd be great at communicating😊
Oh my god I know exactly how you feel! My husband and I struggle with this because I'm ND and I'm very specific and literal and I tend to over explain because I NEED the other person to understand exactly what I mean. Crazy though when my husband explains something to me or is telling me a story I just want him to get to the point. 😅
I over explain everything too. It's like I'm a verbal processor. If I can't speak my thoughts to sort them out, I write them down. I'm sure there are diff reasons for this but if this is who you are & how your brain processes information, then I pray you are loved & adored for just you're being you! Nobody is perfect, spectrum or not. We are all works in progress!
So true. My son has always had a problem with telling a lie. He can't do it. What he says is how he feels and what he means. He doesn't understand when people can't just say what they mean
whoa. I just had an epiphany. My daughter is the same. Worst liar ever. When she was little she would try to lie about the silliest things and it was so obvious. “No I didn’t eat 12 cookies.” Lol poor kid couldn’t get away with anything!
me too. I can't lie about anything sometimes I wish I could but it is not a skill I have. also I don't stand for lies. my family and friends know you DO NOT lie to me ever! i don't give a rats ass about trying to protect me from something or any of that nonsense if they lie to me that is a sure-fire way to make me IMMEDIATELY angry. to my core! I'm not a rage filled being in the slightest. but lie to me, you best run. I dont stand for lies.
My husband struggles with this as well. He has coworkers who are very sarcastic and like to tease each other. Every other night, he comes home upset because he can't tell if they were serious or joking.
I am not autistic...to my knowledge. But I am very direct. The problem is people who are paranoid/narcissistic think I'm being manipulative. If I say it's my fault it's mine. It's not a setup.
Same. It's not even narcissistic or paranoid ppl, it's a lot of ppl these days. I could say exactly what I think or want & most ppl will either take it as a test & do the exact thing I said wouldn't work or run with some hidden meaning they came up with in their head. I've had quite a few that pushed me away with their behavior, later act totally confused & then say "well I didn't think you meant it." Wtf would I bother saying that then?
I can say SO MUCH about this. I have ADHD and am slightly autistic/Asperger's. I mean what I say, and sometimes it's taken the wrong way. Sometimes what I say sounds harsh but I don't mean it harsh. Im really just verbalizing what my brain is trying to make sense of and me vocalizing what my brain is trying to work out, is me putting effort into our relationship and actively trying to understand you and the situation. Its my compassion process for you in real time. Also, a very difficult and painful lesson for me to learn, is that manipulators and abusers will take advantage of this sincerity. They'll use it as a way to stay steps ahead of you, manipulate and abuse you and keep you in a state of confusion, trying to figure out what you did wrong and how you can fix it. Oversharing can be an Achilles heel. Abusers like to watch you struggle, spending your life force on them trying to understand them or understand the situation. They'll stay steps ahead of you because you're telling them exactly what you're feeling and struggling to understand about them or about a dynamic or pattern in the relationship or in yourself. And they'll just continually lead you, keeping you in a state of unrest. It is very important to read up on Narcissistic behavior and be careful who you allow into your life. Narcissists seek out empaths to vampire. A person with ADHD/Autism/Asperger's, who openly processes things and usually pretty literally, is the perfect target for a narcissist, sociopath or just a selfish person who seeks relationships where the other person won't hold them accountable for their behavior. Because they can twist and manipulate and they'll just play their games until the other person catches on or gets tired of trying. Once we catch on though, we usually learn our lesson and become VERY protective of ourselves and our peace. I look forward to finding my person that I can enjoy life with. I learned the hard way and learned to love myself the way I wanted to be loved, and learned to be content with my own company. So now, I dont even date or look for relationships. There are no situationships. No allowing trifling men (or even women for friendships) into my personal space to disrupt my peace. Idk how I'll recognize my partner whenever he does come along, because I'm not looking for someone. I know what I want, but Im not out here extending my energy to see who extends it back. Whenever he does make the effort to earn my love, he'll probably have quite the challenge, because I'm not trusting anymore. I don't torment men testing them in abusive ways, I just don't hand over my innocence anymore. But whoever my person is out there, and does earn my live and trust, I know we'll have an amazing relationship. Because Im wise now, but have preserved and protected my love to share it with the right person that is ready and willing to be equally yoked. Im very loving and playful, and Im also a survivor and a fighter. I know how to fight for a relationship, I just fought for the wrong person in my previous marriage. For somebody who would watch me fight for us, but who had no intentions of also fighting for us. I'll never waste my energy like that again. Long comment, I know. But I share my experiences with people, because after going through it, it's very easy to see when somebody else is going through it, and Ive learned that A LOT of people are going through it, wasting years of their lives and wasting their innocence on somebody that DOES NOT deserve their amazingness. It makes me mad and sad. Human beings are so intricate, incredible, resilient and we're capable of SO MUCH love and awesomeness, it is such a betrayal when another human being ruins that for somebody.
Thank you for sharing. It may take a while, but I’m sure that in time, because you’re just being yourself on this planet, the right person will find you. Good luck.
As a woman, I've had a lot of compliments because of being direct, blunt, literal, ect. My therapist and psychiatric nurse agree that I do have some autistic tendencies though they want more time for a full diagnosis. I can't tell when someone is joking or being sarcastic and it's frustrating. I do say exactly what I mean. And I hate it when others don't. It makes things so confusing
It is so absolutely wild to me to discover "saying what you mean" is considered weird. I try to have patience for the NTs but holy F, I sure DON'T want to be one!
Meaning comes through context. An identical word can have 3 meanings. So the phrase that the word is embedded in defines the meaning. I think our communication problems stem more from misunderstanding. When we both use the word "Help" our different experiences did not lead to an identical meaning of the word. So we can misunderstand each other cause a sentence have different meanings to us. It could help to define words in conversations more.
@@MZBS639I'm autistic and I would like a bit more clarification on your response. I don't understand how the word 'help' can mean something different to anyone else regardless of their experiences. The definition of help is to make things easier for someone by offering your services/resources. How does having a different experience to me change the definition of that word?
@@MZBS639There's misunderstandings, and then there's NT's thinking we actually mean the opposite of what we said because they are so used to playing their twisted little mind games with each other.
I've always been told that I'm a bit too forward with what I want (I am never outright rude, just honest) and in turn I've been annoyed being with people who dance around the subject of what they want or who get annoyed later down the line because I was meant to "read between the lines" of what they said and I was supposed to know that when they said they were fine with something they weren't actually fine. This man's advice is sooooooo spot on!
Me too! I REALLY value direct communication. I notice online people are so "blunt" to the point of even being rude or nasty. But in REAL life, most people talk in circles and are very indirect. It drives me crazy! 😂 Be literal and say what you mean. It's SO refreshing!
No it's not, it is till you hear what you agree with or find apropriate. People quite often also change their mind because many thoughts are based on emotions and emotions can change. We have to be careful with words.
This applies to friendships with individuals with autism too, NOT just dating someone!!!! Be kind but direct, and it will probably be the best friendship or relationship u ever have 🤗
After getting into so much trouble and violence towards me for "being literal" I tried to mask it so hard to the point that I now NEVER mean what I say. I took neurotypicals "hinting" as a way of communicating and maxed it out. Now I am always hinting, insinuating, using "looks", double meaning to say things and do it 100% of the time. I know it sounds like it would also be a problem but having pretty and outwardly sociable priviledges, people get confused and wonder if they are stupid and desperately try to make their way out of looking weird in front of me. I now make neurotypicals feel the way they made me feel and it's pretty fun :) totally worth all the hard work getting those privileges, otherwise it wouldn't work😂
I feel like I kind of took on a neurotypical style too, but mine was more of a fawn response, like…people get mad when I’m honest and I don’t always understand why, so now I just try to say whatever to avoid conflict at all cost. Avoid conversations if I think might upset people, soften any bad news and try to just tough it out if I’m a little uncomfortable with something. Sometimes I even realize later that I could have just been honest, but I still don’t always understand the social rules of when honesty is okay and when it’s rude.
It is sooo frustrating when people aren’t specific when they say something. Then I ask for clarification and they keep being vague. Then when I try to prompt them for more or rephrase my question then they treat me like I’m the stupid one 😂😂. When I can come up with several different ways something can be interpreted. I don’t take offense to it because I’m so used to it. I just have become more assertive and concise. I don’t let people make me feel stupid especially over petty things that do not reflect my intelligence.
Yesss!! Both of my kids are on the spectrum and they are brutally honest and I always say if the whole world communicated like them I think it would be a much easier world to live in.
I would love to say what I mean... I was trained to be careful about that, so I don't really know how to talk with people. Saying what I really think brings me more problems.
Me too 😅 Wouldn’t change it if I could but man do men hate it. Don’t get me wrong, no one’s breaking down my door anymore but I’ve also decided I’m done with looking or trying ❤
@@sobeidahiguera1420 🤗 you’re right. I’ve heard it most my life. I’m well into my 40s so I’m even less tolerable and I don’t register flirting soooo chances are so incredibly slim that the needle in the haystack will be available, find me AND I’d let him in 🤦♀️😆
Yes. Love this! The literal communication has gotten me into many tense situations in relationships. But having close friendships and other relationships with people who know and understand makes a huge difference!!
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️ I was having a bad day yesterday and the core of it was about not being accepted due to the challenges that I played no part in picking. It’s nice to hear that there’s people that appreciate the type of people we are instead of judging us for what we’re not..
Hahaha, this is right on the money! Years ago, when I was still working, I remember a couple of my coworkers spending 10 minutes explaining to me who Felicia was and why we were telling her bye. 😂 I love your videos! Thank you!❤
This is true. I'm a very straightforward person, I can come across as blunt or uptight and unsympathetic, but I'm just very shy and struggle with communicating and empathy. I always assume that people are telling the truth, so it shocks me when they're not lol 😂
I wrote a mandatory essay that explained and demonstrated my personality, sense of humor, and explained the necessity for direct communication as an autistic person that I just gave to people who had mutual interest in going on a date. I met someone amazing who read it thoroughly and seriously (and has reread it periodically since), we started dating in 2021 and we just got married in April. Being super direct, to the point of it being as ridiculously meta as I decided was a good idea, is what helped me connect to the person who really appreciated that even though he isn’t autistic. Communication mismatches come up sometimes between us, because there really is social information that I just don’t have a concept of in order to even begin to participate in or notice, but we also work through that by making clear, literal requests that respect both of our processing abilities and needs. Because my partner can be comfortable and work with using literal and extremely direct ways of communicating, I can also be confident in working to hear, respect, and work with the needs that my partner has which are different than mine. I know this isn’t ideal for everyone, but it’s so great to be appreciated for my autism rather than in spite of it. Thanks for sharing about this!
My son is 8 and Autistic. He came home saying his gym teacher told him not to eat and he started hating himself. Turns out the teacher was trying to instill a healthy mind set in all the kids to eat healthy and exercise (I’m totally on board with that!) so we had a talk with his teacher about how he took what the gym teacher said literally.
That's my rule of life, say what you mean, and mean what you say. I'm also neuro divergent but I just found out. I never understood until my diagnosis why it was so hard for people to do this, but I get it now for the most part! It's not a character flaw, it's.y super power!
Whew! I'm raising an autistic kid. He gets sarcasm but he is super literal and he often thinks I'm angry when I'm not. It's definitely a learning process for us both
My brothers used to tease me and say I was so gullible and so naive. Turns out I wasn't, I was just having this exact problem. To this day I have trouble understanding what people expect of me, even when they tell me, and I'm always very hard on myself when I don't give them what they needed. Bc I REALLY want to help them, I just need to know HOW! Like the most specifc HOW you can conjure up in your mind. When someone hits me with the "grab that thing there, please", I just freeze and stare at them with my mouth open.
Facts! This is actually super accurate. I just experiwnced this firsthand this summer. I have a friend with Assburgers who I met at a cafe in my area that hires people with disabilities, particularly people who are neurodivergent. He is very direct and tells things like they are and I never doubt his intentions. Like the first time he met he told me I was pretty and we ended up getting a drink together. We decided to classify it as a date, but he kept saying that all he wanted was for us to get to know each other. And I quickly learmed to trust that. He’s one of the very few guys I know where U trust that he truly has no nefarious intentions if he asks to hang out with you. And he’ll make it clear if he just wants to make friends or is interested in a date. He’s also an excellent judge of character and is really good at reading people. I also learned recently that he’s very good at communicating what he wants and needs. Better than a lot of neurotypical people I know. And he’s super self-aware like others are saying.
As a woman who has in recent years realized that I am probably autistic, although I don't have a formal diagnosis (so expensive), I think of it as laying all of your cards down on the table. No poker face, no playing close to the chest, or being coy. I will tell you exactly where I am at and what my expectations are, and he other person can decide from there. I am using this as a metaphor, but I also do this literally in card games - a couple years ago I was playing a game where you were supposed to lie about the cards you have, but I struggle with lying so I played totally straight about what cards I had. I won both rounds of the game, because everyone just assumed I was lying and had a great poker face.
Hearing this made me smile. So many ppl seem to hate how I communicate. I really only have one GOOD friend I really trust and can talk to. Dating is damn near impossible. My honesty is rarely rewarded. 😅
My partner and I are both neurodivergent and I've never felt more secure, safe, and loved before 💕 we communicate well and say what we need and want and don't have any hidden meaning to our words. It's awesome 😎
I'm neurospicy leaning, and this tip is true. Also, active listening in general. fights can happen over misunderstanding how things are said. great share, doc.
I wish everyone had this perspective of how valuable our communication is. Dating has been such a struggle and it's maddening because I just want someone to be as open and honest with me as I am with them. It's odd how that's asking for too much.
As an autistic woman, I appreciate that. Too often growing up I was shamed for being direct and honest, often being called tactless because I didn't dance around an issue (ESPECIALLY the truth) and I always questioned peoples motives and intentions (not to call them out, but to better understand something that didn't make any logical sense to me) and people HATED that about me since I was not easy to manipulate. The last time I was bullied for it was when I worked at costco, of all places, and my team lead purposely sabotaged me because she witnessed being autistic af and thought I was "arguing" with a higher up and decided to spread a rumor that I "put him in his place" so he would retaliate due to his ego. It could have been the start of my villian era but I found a better job where people loved me and I got to pet dogs all day 🥰
Yesterday my maintenance person took me through this whole story about the power going out. I actually could have had a heart attack because this old house has = tons of problems. He didn’t say, “the power in your neighborhood went out” He then asked me to get my opinion of clearly poor work that he did that he def. needed to redo. I said, I can’t answer this for you because I’ve never seen dry wall muddying at the stage and am not the expert, and plus my nervous system is so on alert my arms of aching like I could faint.
I married a man 25 years ago… not knowing he was autistic… his behaviours were so distressing, I ended up in hospital with crippling anxiety and depression… would NEVER wish it upon my worst enemy!!!
Sorry you had to go through that. Being married to an autistic person can have its hard moments. I can only imagine how hard it was like for you not knowing. Hope you are doing better.
I wish all people would say what they mean and mean what they say! As a neurodivergent person I do not always “get” sarcasm or certain types of humor and jokes so I have to get people to explain them and then they get annoyed with me and say “It’s not even funny anymore” and I say well actually it wasn’t even funny in the first place 😂 gotta love all my neurodivergent friends because we are real with each other! We don’t do that passive aggressive bullshit and we communicate directly and effectively. We don’t hold back either 😅
My autistic friend and I (an allistic) got into an argument today. It was the first proper argument we've ever had, as our friendship is quite new. It was also the fastest and least ugly I've ever had, because she stood her ground and was direct, sincere, and for lack of a better word, truly REAL. She gave me her entire context so I fully understood where she was coming from; she didn't hesitate to call me out on my hypocrisy and unfairness in the situation. Long story short, I misunderstood a joke as an insult; there was no room to be read because we were texting; and I got shitty at her because she triggered some trauma she didn't even know about. I know what I have to work on now, I know what she meant, and I'm now aware that I actually tend to forget she's autistic, n that causes communication problems. I really do love that girl
AMEN!!!!! Please, please, PLEASE dont "beat around the bush" if u want to tell me something or make something happen!! Especially if it's something you want us (u and the autistic friend) to DO, Right Now..... saves us so much back and forth and getting frustrated with each other. Time and peace are precious. I don't want the 2 minute convo or debate on the "idea" any more than you do, if what you truly meant was, "I want to do this thing, right now (or ASAP)." Don't make things sound like a suggestion/idea if its not. Say, "What I want is to ______ , can we do that right now?" If they start to come back with alternate ideas and ur not honestly open to (any) ideas, say "No-" followed by repeating that line. It may sound a little "blunt/aggressive" to your ears if ur not used to being direct, but your autistic friend will appreciate it. They would much rather that than *you* getting upset at them for having a 2 minute "discussion" that was never actually a true discussion on your part. Engaging in a discussion makes it sound like ur mind is NOT already 100% set on your idea, so don't be mad at me for not realizing this "option" ur presenting is actually really the one and only thing u want right now. You may feel like ur being "polite" by *not* being direct, but ur actually wasting both of our time and mental/emotional energy!!
So true, my husband doesn't get sarcasm, hyperbole or anything that isn't factual. You need to be direct and not insinuate or assume. It helped me be a better communicator and honest person.
Thank you for appreciate our honest direct expression. If I try to speak like a neurotypical I'm getting exhausted. People often gets offended with authenticity. To lye is something that emotionally and physically hurts me🥰
I wasn't diagnosed autistic until much later in life [38 yo]. My husband is N.typical. we would argue so much about me oversharing, being too honest, and taking things literally. Hes much more loosey goosey with words and meanings. This makes so much sense.
Super direct and literal should be the standard. Most of the reason we’re all f’d up is we don’t really know where we stand. Make feelings important again- let’s not take for granted intuition is literally part of our evolution.
My mother taught me as a child to say what you mean and mean what you say. So unfortunately I've always been one of those people that take everything to heart
After having an autistic daughter, I think the world would be much better if we were all that way. Say what you mean, you mind your business, and relentlessly pursue the things you love. What a full life that would be.
I am a very logical, honest no bs person. Struggled my whole life in social situations and especially dating where men thought I was "supposed" to be a certain way. My husband and I are both neurodivergent in different ways but we "get" each other.
i agree with you on the fact this is the best way to communicate. i keep those thoughts to myself but secretly im just listening in on drama and conversations and just thinking ".....why are yall playing games when yall talk to eachother. i dont wanna play no guess who, puzzles, riddles, nothing when i talk to soneone but i guess yall find it fun"
My friend is one of the most awsome people ever. It took me a while to get used to her directness but once I did she really appreciates me cause friendship is hard for her.
Autistic individuals also tend to be much more self-aware (out of necessity) and will actually communicate their needs, thoughts, feelings, and intentions when given a safe space to do so.
Part of my autism is struggling,to put how I'm feeling and what I need into words and it's extremely frustrating when I'm mad or hurt by my partner and I can't verbalize how I feel so i guess this doesn't apply to me 😂
@@adriannegonzalez3277 I agree with you. Generally, I think it takes a lot of work for people on the spectrum to communicate their thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Obviously this is not applicable to everyone who has autism furthermore it applies to people who don't. Love to you and yours while on your journey. ❤
@@winter_at_large Kind people in the comments, where are you in my life? In dire need...
@@adriannegonzalez3277 This is so real
I have a much easier time communicating through text, so I often ask them if I can just message them about it
Or for something I really can't explain I'll ask them to give me some time and then I'll have finally figured out what to say a few days later
If they're also ND though they pick up my patterns over time and that makes it a lot easier to just answer yes or no to their direct suspicions
Communicating is hard 🥲 But everything I say is exactly what I mean, even if it takes a bit to process
@@adriannegonzalez3277 I think what you're saying is how it is for most people who didn't grow up in an ideal household or didn't get lucky that their autism formed in the way the guy in this video is speaking about. I like that he's talking about autism as a likeable trait but don't like that he's narrowing it down so much as that single symptom that not all autistic people have. I might be autistic, I genuinely have no clue I have a myriad of issues including OCD and add or some form of. We have some autistic family members it turns out (my brother and I grew up extremely sheltered). We do know for a fact my niece is autistic and on the higher side of the spectrum. She is EXTREMELY intelligent (honestly shockingly so for her age at times), and was very delayed in her speech. Even though she's 10 yrs old now she still tends to speak with a baby voice, and stutters (more like it takes her awhile to get her sentence out and will repeat words like and, or other conjunctions because you can tell she's REALLY thinking about what she says.) She can be such a kind beautiful soul and at other times come across so cold because she doesn't realize the implications of a situation lol. In her heart though she is the kindest soul. She always goes above and beyond to cheer my daughter up and literally will sing to her when she gets upset. It's the cutest thing.
Being direct and literal is the best way to communicate ❤
I love bluntly honest ppl
@@Natalie.Nicole2.0 me too
Unfortunately others don't reciprocate...alot.i struggle w this in a big way. I just have to accept life is n t fair and go with the flow.
It's actually whaty it means to communicate. Everything else is maybe communication adjacent at best 😅
Its a taste Thing tbh
As an autistic man, a woman told me that my open communication was something she hated about me and instead of telling her I was upset and why, she preferred if I kept my anger to myself, and be passive aggressive until she figured out I was upset.
Literally speaking, that was the last conversation I had with her. Way too much drama.
Yeah leave her
Wow. That's just so odd. I'm glad you left her. "I want you to more passive aggressive" said no sane person ever.
Wow, that’s a chick that needs therapy
so she would have preferred you to be less clear and more passive-agressive ? As a woman I don't relate, I don't want that in partner, some people are so freaking weird lmao
WOW! She's asking a guy to be fake and mean, rather than honest and genuine. Sorry for your loss, but truly I'm happy you got out of that toxic relationship!😊
I was 32 when I realised that being literal wasn’t the default setting and that when a partner would tell me I was harsh or blunt I was confused because I was only trying to be truthful and honest.
I don’t have a diagnosis and won’t ever be able to afford one but the more I’ve learnt about autism over the past year, the more I’ve been able to understand myself, the world around me and my place in it.
Why is honestly not the default setting?
Agreed, over time I’ve realized I may be on the spectrum, I’ve bombed a lot of friendships because I don’t understand how to sugar coat, I’ve been told numerous times that I am blunt, cold hearted, and harsh. I’m normally a very introverted person but I forced myself to be extroverted as not to seem weird to others, I’m more comfortable now because my only friend is my husband and I can be myself with him
The question every autistic has asked. I always wondered why anyone would expend the energy to play all those dating mind games. When I realized they didn't know that that was what they were doing I was stunned.
@@chesneymigl4538 I think a lot of people are energized by such interactions.
Same on all counts, except I'm 63 and have just started realizing I'm likely autistic over the last year. Got my ADHD Dx 2 years ago.
To practice honesty, one has to be taught that as a way of life and tell me looking around you, adults older than you and if you can find one directly honest person. Also as much as autism translates to being honest and direct, there is still a degree of emotional intelligence needed in communication because thats what its about.
I think I’ve masked my whole life as a “gifted “ girlie BUT I MEAN WHAT I SAY AND I SAY WHAT I MEAN!!!! You don’t have to wonder. I just wish everyone else was the same way.😢
I don't believe in most diagnosis, because to me it's absolutely absurd we need to diagnose somebody with being able to tell things how they are! Power to you, sis! I believe frankness keeps us out of a lot of manipulative situations 🙌
Girl same😢
Me too.
This is what people consider my worst quality and only the strong survive 😂. Manipulated? We def are not lol
I feel you girl! My goodness. I’ve been trying to get checked for the longest. I need to know.
The honesty and lack of ability to read the con artists and exploiters of the world leaves us open to getting used/abused
👏
☹️
The sad truth 😞
I had a guy say to me when I visited him for the first time" I love it that you are so naive" yeah duhhh😒 . triggered my past experience with full blown Narcist , Turned out he is autistic as well.. We are still together but he is annoying and an assh*** , but he is my annoying ass*** 😊.
It does and sometimes this factor creates the villain in what once was a pure hearted soul....
The thing is I have dated autistic men as an autistic woman, but it's like they always expected me to be better at everything, including communication, than them.
They were always expecting me to be the subtle one, while they got to be blunt, even though they knew I had autism.
I think we need to hold the same standard for both genders in the autistic spectrum.
They never wanted to be criticized but they always thought they could criticize me.
OMG!!!!
YES!
I finally (in my 50's) decided Bellessa was the best partner I could find, and I have allowed all the people who want me to do their emotional labor for them to go (literally telling them, "I feel like our dating/being in a relationship is interfering with your growth, so I'm going to remove myself from the equation so you can have the opportunity to learn emotional regulation and accountability")
Yeah, sometimes I'm lonely.
But I travel more now, I have more meaningful friendships, and I am nowhere near as exhausted anymore/no longer working in spoon deficit.
I am authentically me, and only the people who genuinely like me as I am get to spend time with me.
May you, too, give your self permission to be your complete authentic self, so you can make room for better people to come into your life!
(When I was younger, I was able to communicate with men better, because they "appreciated my honesty and bluntness". In my 30's, men started getting resentful that I wouldn't do their labor for them, and spent a decade with only a handful of friends.
Now, I have a healthy friendship circle with autistic women 😂)
I feel like this a lot in relationships too. I feel like I need to date either AuDHD guys or guys who are autistic or ADHD, but have done a lot of the internal work on themselves to be able to see when there needs to be room for both of our neurodivergencies in the relationship. It should be a balance, not one or the other.
Even when I dated someone who was just ADHD, he would always blame things on ADHD, but without making any attempts to find strategies to work with his ADHD. Everything was put on me, and when I couldn’t handle it, it was my fault and I was a “b****” for “nagging”. When I was just trying to keep myself from getting overwhelmed and overstimulated.
I have autism and ADHD. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but I strongly suspect he has ADHD. We communicate perfectly. Early on, we had misunderstandings that led to fights but the fights led to better communication. Although we disagree sometimes now, we never fight. And to be fair, most of our misunderstanding came from a language barrier, not neurodivergence.
As a fellow autie , let me tell you, don’t settle for poor communication. This relationship is like a drink of pure water after being in a desert my whole life. My bluntness makes other people angry with me but he loves it ❤
As an autistic mother to two autistic boys, now teens, I totally agree.
I raise them with “your future partner won’t be your mom, take accountability, and hormones really suck so be kind” approach in mind. I’ve been “the girl/the woman” in that way for that, they bring me a chocolate bar or ice cream when I’m having a hard period ☺️
I don’t want them to struggle with relationships, I want them to be able to have great friendships and long lasting happy relationships.
Luckily, they mostly listened.
It’s doable, but it’s much extra work, and for mamas, so I don’t want to blame anyone.
I think that’s often just internalized misogyny. Expecting women to be quiet and timid and demure always takes priority when that’s something so expected and “right” to most people.
I'm told that I'm "brutally honest" because I'm so direct... some people don't like it, but others appreciate knowing exactly where I stand.
I still remember one guy I went on a date with who kept saying, "Well gee, tell me what you really think," and I was so confused because that's what I did. When I went home I realized what he meant after over analyzing lol
I hate passive aggressive ppl like that tho 🙄 theure immature and drain ppl emotions and energy. Tbh not worth dealing with petty immature ppl like that. They're just too afriad" to express how they actually feel, and due to society feel the need to shame" other actual honest or expressive ppl into boxes'.
Lol, yeah I had the same experience really....I had to catch myself from elaborating........Maybe autistic 🤷♀️ no real idea, haha. But lol.
It takes me 3 days to get why someone said something sometimes I feel like txting em and telling em i get it but its never someone that actually gives a f- i stopped that unless it seems necessary to tell em in person.
😂 thats funny
@@Justalostghost49 ya, But you Kind of doing the same right now
So, my daughter is a pre-teen, and we just had a VERY similar conversation about her friends. The friend who has just been diagnosed as autistic has always struggled to make friends, and sometimes mis-reads the situation, or reacts in unexpected ways, etc. However, I explained that she is ALSO going to be very direct, and the sneaky bull crap some of her other “friends” might pull, she would NOT do. The main one being - drop you for another friend and just not be your friend anymore. I just pointed that out, like, “You know, even though it sometimes seems a bit hard to connect with H, she is a loyal friend, who values being friends with you! And if she says she likes your shirt, she actually really likes your shirt!” ❤
I'm autistic 40yr old female, once I found out so much made sense. Everyone thought I was mean when they said tell the truth and I told them the truth 😂
I hear ya!
I'm 45yrs and was given the title ice queen. So I've been rocking it long before Elsa came onto the scene.
@@katjohnson280But they rely on us when problems arise that nobody wants to speak of
@@katjohnson280my entree song in the club was " cold as ice" , they played it every time I walked in..😂
"if the truth makes you look bad, it's not the truth's fault"
Yup
I'm autistic, and my husband and I actually have excellent communication skills with each other. Early in our relationship, we saw a therapist, not cause anything was wrong, but because we wanted to develop these skills together. She helped us learn each other's communication styles and love language and gave us other tools. Seven years later, we still have a strong foundation for our marriage.
I want to do this!
@@StellaBella488 I can't recommend it enough.
@wifeofsauron1658 would you recommend all couples do this if they have the means?
Love how proactive yall were!
My husband is on the spectrum. We went to premarital counseling because we wanted to see if there was anything that we still struggled with as a couple. Also to make sure we were building good communication habits. Been married for a few years now, and things have been going really well. We have really honest and open communication, and let each other know when we are stressed. My husband can tell when people are off, upset, sad, tired, and angry. But he can't tell which is which, and that makes him anxious and stressed. So when I come home, I verbally tell him what I'm feeling so he isn't stressing himself out trying to figure it out.
I’ve often wondered if meeting the right person was a crapshoot. My husband and I met in the Army. We had the same quirky humor, the same nerdy interests… over 40 years later we both realize we are both neurodivergent. We still have the same quirky humor and nerdy interests. Yup, a crapshoot, and I got the prize.
Whenever I’m direct and literal they take me a different way. Whenever I try to joke they take me literally. 😑 I can’t win lol
Sounds like me, I’m saying things plainly and exactly to the point…..people think I’m making a joke! I guess it sounds too out there for it to be anything else but funny. Lots of misunderstandings and I often wished I lived alone with my pets and worked a job where I didn’t have to communicate with people daily!
OMGGGGGG THIS IS MY LIFE
Far too many times. I’m not diagnosed, but I highly suspect it.
Daily
lolllls. Hard resonate. Especially when I voice my darkest observations about humanity with a flat affect and deadpan voice... everyone assumes I'm joking and I don't mind providing some comic relief... but I'm very much serious and stuff really is that messed up lol.
Being straight to the point is the most respectful thing to do. Why play games? Especially with someone you love
Yea, in my country we have a saying "plain talk is bad manners" and I've always been so perplexed by that.
EXACTLY!
My dear, but annoying aunt: "It sure is hot out today".
Me: "Yep"
Aunt: "I thought I was going to die on the way here"
Me "You thought you were going to DIE???"
Aunt "Well it's just so hot outside. (pause) do you have air conditioning?"
(She knows I have a/c.)
Me: "yes. I have a/c"
Aunt "Is there any way we can turn it on?"
(😮💨 yes...there is, infact, a way we can turn on the a/c. & fyi: it's a one-person task).
It goes on & on til I finally ask "would you like the a/c to be turned on? Is THAT what you want me to know?"
Aunt: "Well yeah...I'm just trying to be polite.
(pause)...Do you have any water?".
😮💨. At that point I'm very tempted to be sarcastic. ("Nope. No water in THIS house... That liquid-you stuff that flows from my kitchen sink, that you've successfully operated dozens of times, all by yourself....that is not water. Its transparent goat milk. I've bn fooling you this entire time".
Another example: "Do you think that's a good idea?...to leave the cap off the ketchup?"
@@TweenyMq That's always perplexed me, too. As if there are only 2 options:
1> BE direct.
2> Be impolite.
Having dated/trauma-bonded to an avoindant just before, moving to an autistic was such a breath of fresh air. I really appreciated the direct communications. No games, no guessing.
I don't even know what to expect from neuro typicals now...
I had a guy once say to me "Ive never met someone who says the things you say...out loud". I remember asking him what he meant and he couldn't really explain. It stuck with me because that was the first time I'd noticed that I actually hear similar things fairly often when just getting to know someone.
Yeah NTs have this built in diplomacy bullspit filter... Skate around the truth so people don't get upset, instead of saying what they actually mean 🤦🏻♀️
From my experience, most NTs feel shame about certain topics/having certain thoughts and feelings. It may have been the case with everyone, but no one wants to talk about it because it's usually embarrassing or that it's just a taboo.
But an auti doesn't have that kind of social filter and would speak it all aloud. (Think polite society spontaneous gasp)... I can be a good thing for society to have sometimes 😄
I’m autistic, my girlfriend loves it. They’ve been in straight up abusive relationships with women before, I don’t interpret her behavior like most people would. They’ll have a trauma response and they’ll start being pretty mean to me so I go “hey babe you’re acting weird, what’s that about?” And they’ll think about it and usually go “Oohhh… I thought you were gonna yell at me/hit me a second ago and even though you didn’t I’m still reacting as if you did. I’m sorry baby” and then I give them reassurance and we just move on, I’m pretty sure most people come up with an assumed explanation in those instances and it can turn into a fight but honestly I get stuff wrong so often I have a habit of just asking what’s wrong directly when someone’s behavior changes which turns out works well when you’re around someone who doesn’t understand their own behavior well. I also just give her a list of stuff I want for Valentine’s Day, I call it my “list of demands” I don’t like surprises usually so it works out. Our first Valentine’s Day they got me everything on my list plus a lil extra and we exchanged gifts and I was just so happy they got me everything i wanted and they stared at me in disbelief happily eating my candy and looking at my stuff because apparently gifts they got for past girlfriends were never good enough for them? But like it sounds like they never told her what they even wanted, they’re literally so attentive and sweet it kinda boggles my mind that these past girls had so many grievances with her. “You should know” is just such a stupid thing to say to someone, people aren’t mind readers. Yet this is the shit they use to be told all the time, sometimes I really think abusers are just too stupid for a normal adult relationship. When I’m actually mad I quite literally say “I’m mad at you right now. Because…” and then I explain why. She loves this so much, I don’t really get why because I actually have no idea how else she’d know I’m mad unless I tell her directly.
She likes when you say I’m mad becsue before it was always her fault and deflection and abuse makes her go …wow, so this is how a mature relationship works!
Many people get diagnosed really late in life, often as high functioning Autism. You’ve had to navigate through life for 40+ plus years, it’s absolutely exhausting. Sometimes all the pieces begin to go into place all of a sudden as you age and it’s a relief, no matter how difficult life has been.
Same for adult diagnosis for ADHD? 😓
People often laugh and think I’m joking when I’m being honest.
Just start playing like you're being sarcastic. Some people don't like or understand sarcasm either, but at least you can try to keep people from thinking you're just an a**hole. At least you'll be a funny a**hole.
Either they think you're joking or lying. When I speak no matter what the situation or story is, it's the same tone. I've always had that problem. It sucks but it actually works in your favor because they can't say you didn't tell them.
This happens to me all the time, too. I'm often confused as to what they find funny 🤷♀️
@@courtneywilt7105 I’ve been acting like it’s sarcasm my whole life. I’m getting older and at my age people judge me for being immature for my sarcasm
all because I’m being completely honest.
@@twilamatteson I’m always confused! Sometimes I ask point blank “what are you laughing at?” Or “why are you laughing?” but people don’t like being asked directly like that either. Life is hard and I’m very tired. 🤦♀️
YES!!! I hate beating around the bush, I'm straight to the point for a reason
Yes!
Same!
SAME! My mother & my aunt are the WORST when it comes to beating around the bush. Ive confronted them both several times. They respond with "I was just trying to be polite".
Ugh! It's not as if one needs to be ill-mannered in order to be direct. Infact, I find it RUDE to make me go thru a bunch of mental gymnastics trying to guess what they really want me to know, or what their actual question is.
I have no problem telling you why I feel the way I feel. And what I expect. Actually saves a lot of time.
I'm AuDHD. And communication for me with NTs is so damn frustrating!! I'm a little better at receiving information than giving it. It might take me a moment to process what has been said to me. But when it comes to trying to "find the word", trying to stay on track, its crazy! I feel like people hate talking to me. Husband complains all the time that he can never get a straight to the point story or answer. He's not ND, he just has little to no patience. Plus due to past traumas I have an overwhelming fear of being misunderstood. So I have a tendency to over explain. I NEED to know that you are on my page. And that at times can be overwhelming for NTs and exhausting for me.
Thank you for putting this into words. I have such a hard time describing to people what I actually mean bc words are hard. I'm the most indirect direct talker 😂
It's so weird how this is something I could have written myself🙈 it's 100% my experience as well, I'm AuDHD too, so maybe that's the reason🤷🏽♀️
And that fear of being misunderstood and believed, is the only problem in my communication. So if I'd find someone that made me feel okay in those aspect, I'd be great at communicating😊
This has spoken to my soul, being AuDHD is a blessing and a curse.
Oh my god I know exactly how you feel! My husband and I struggle with this because I'm ND and I'm very specific and literal and I tend to over explain because I NEED the other person to understand exactly what I mean. Crazy though when my husband explains something to me or is telling me a story I just want him to get to the point. 😅
I over explain everything too. It's like I'm a verbal processor. If I can't speak my thoughts to sort them out, I write them down.
I'm sure there are diff reasons for this but if this is who you are & how your brain processes information, then I pray you are loved & adored for just you're being you! Nobody is perfect, spectrum or not. We are all works in progress!
So true. My son has always had a problem with telling a lie. He can't do it. What he says is how he feels and what he means. He doesn't understand when people can't just say what they mean
Me too gets us in trouble a lot though😅
whoa. I just had an epiphany. My daughter is the same. Worst liar ever. When she was little she would try to lie about the silliest things and it was so obvious. “No I didn’t eat 12 cookies.” Lol poor kid couldn’t get away with anything!
me too. I can't lie about anything sometimes I wish I could but it is not a skill I have. also I don't stand for lies. my family and friends know you DO NOT lie to me ever! i don't give a rats ass about trying to protect me from something or any of that nonsense if they lie to me that is a sure-fire way to make me IMMEDIATELY angry.
to my core!
I'm not a rage filled being in the slightest. but lie to me, you best run. I dont stand for lies.
I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are dishonest mostly out of fear
My husband struggles with this as well. He has coworkers who are very sarcastic and like to tease each other. Every other night, he comes home upset because he can't tell if they were serious or joking.
I am not autistic...to my knowledge. But I am very direct. The problem is people who are paranoid/narcissistic think I'm being manipulative. If I say it's my fault it's mine. It's not a setup.
Same. It's not even narcissistic or paranoid ppl, it's a lot of ppl these days. I could say exactly what I think or want & most ppl will either take it as a test & do the exact thing I said wouldn't work or run with some hidden meaning they came up with in their head. I've had quite a few that pushed me away with their behavior, later act totally confused & then say "well I didn't think you meant it." Wtf would I bother saying that then?
Be direct. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. ✅
I can say SO MUCH about this. I have ADHD and am slightly autistic/Asperger's. I mean what I say, and sometimes it's taken the wrong way. Sometimes what I say sounds harsh but I don't mean it harsh. Im really just verbalizing what my brain is trying to make sense of and me vocalizing what my brain is trying to work out, is me putting effort into our relationship and actively trying to understand you and the situation. Its my compassion process for you in real time.
Also, a very difficult and painful lesson for me to learn, is that manipulators and abusers will take advantage of this sincerity. They'll use it as a way to stay steps ahead of you, manipulate and abuse you and keep you in a state of confusion, trying to figure out what you did wrong and how you can fix it. Oversharing can be an Achilles heel. Abusers like to watch you struggle, spending your life force on them trying to understand them or understand the situation. They'll stay steps ahead of you because you're telling them exactly what you're feeling and struggling to understand about them or about a dynamic or pattern in the relationship or in yourself. And they'll just continually lead you, keeping you in a state of unrest. It is very important to read up on Narcissistic behavior and be careful who you allow into your life. Narcissists seek out empaths to vampire. A person with ADHD/Autism/Asperger's, who openly processes things and usually pretty literally, is the perfect target for a narcissist, sociopath or just a selfish person who seeks relationships where the other person won't hold them accountable for their behavior. Because they can twist and manipulate and they'll just play their games until the other person catches on or gets tired of trying. Once we catch on though, we usually learn our lesson and become VERY protective of ourselves and our peace. I look forward to finding my person that I can enjoy life with. I learned the hard way and learned to love myself the way I wanted to be loved, and learned to be content with my own company. So now, I dont even date or look for relationships. There are no situationships. No allowing trifling men (or even women for friendships) into my personal space to disrupt my peace. Idk how I'll recognize my partner whenever he does come along, because I'm not looking for someone. I know what I want, but Im not out here extending my energy to see who extends it back. Whenever he does make the effort to earn my love, he'll probably have quite the challenge, because I'm not trusting anymore. I don't torment men testing them in abusive ways, I just don't hand over my innocence anymore. But whoever my person is out there, and does earn my live and trust, I know we'll have an amazing relationship. Because Im wise now, but have preserved and protected my love to share it with the right person that is ready and willing to be equally yoked. Im very loving and playful, and Im also a survivor and a fighter. I know how to fight for a relationship, I just fought for the wrong person in my previous marriage. For somebody who would watch me fight for us, but who had no intentions of also fighting for us. I'll never waste my energy like that again. Long comment, I know. But I share my experiences with people, because after going through it, it's very easy to see when somebody else is going through it, and Ive learned that A LOT of people are going through it, wasting years of their lives and wasting their innocence on somebody that DOES NOT deserve their amazingness. It makes me mad and sad. Human beings are so intricate, incredible, resilient and we're capable of SO MUCH love and awesomeness, it is such a betrayal when another human being ruins that for somebody.
This is so beautifully said, thank you for sharing this ❤❤❤
fuckin beautiful Amen i feel this to my core
Thank you for sharing.
It may take a while, but I’m sure that in time, because you’re just being yourself on this planet, the right person will find you. Good luck.
Amen to THAT! !!! Us ASD people are genuine, straightforward and real.
agreeeeeeeeee
As a woman, I've had a lot of compliments because of being direct, blunt, literal, ect. My therapist and psychiatric nurse agree that I do have some autistic tendencies though they want more time for a full diagnosis. I can't tell when someone is joking or being sarcastic and it's frustrating. I do say exactly what I mean. And I hate it when others don't. It makes things so confusing
May be they see how it can be hurtful to others
It is so absolutely wild to me to discover "saying what you mean" is considered weird. I try to have patience for the NTs but holy F, I sure DON'T want to be one!
SAME!!!! 😂 I can’t stand people who aren’t direct and genuine. I’m just like why waste my time w your goofy bs 😅
Meaning comes through context. An identical word can have 3 meanings. So the phrase that the word is embedded in defines the meaning.
I think our communication problems stem more from misunderstanding.
When we both use the word "Help" our different experiences did not lead to an identical meaning of the word.
So we can misunderstand each other cause a sentence have different meanings to us.
It could help to define words in conversations more.
@@MZBS639I'm autistic and I would like a bit more clarification on your response. I don't understand how the word 'help' can mean something different to anyone else regardless of their experiences.
The definition of help is to make things easier for someone by offering your services/resources. How does having a different experience to me change the definition of that word?
@@MZBS639There's misunderstandings, and then there's NT's thinking we actually mean the opposite of what we said because they are so used to playing their twisted little mind games with each other.
Thank youuuuu! It always infuriates me when people don't actually say what they mean.
I've always been told that I'm a bit too forward with what I want (I am never outright rude, just honest) and in turn I've been annoyed being with people who dance around the subject of what they want or who get annoyed later down the line because I was meant to "read between the lines" of what they said and I was supposed to know that when they said they were fine with something they weren't actually fine. This man's advice is sooooooo spot on!
That’s one of the things my husband said he liked about me from the moment we met! And that was before we knew!
Me too! I REALLY value direct communication.
I notice online people are so "blunt" to the point of even being rude or nasty. But in REAL life, most people talk in circles and are very indirect. It drives me crazy! 😂
Be literal and say what you mean. It's SO refreshing!
No it's not, it is till you hear what you agree with or find apropriate. People quite often also change their mind because many thoughts are based on emotions and emotions can change. We have to be careful with words.
Yes I agree I love when people say exactly what they mean !
Communicating is so much easier💯🫶🏼
Eye love direct nonviolent communication. It is comforting & good. Thank you
I, not eye.
@@Plethorality eye do that on purpose because i like it :)
This applies to friendships with individuals with autism too, NOT just dating someone!!!! Be kind but direct, and it will probably be the best friendship or relationship u ever have 🤗
After getting into so much trouble and violence towards me for "being literal" I tried to mask it so hard to the point that I now NEVER mean what I say. I took neurotypicals "hinting" as a way of communicating and maxed it out. Now I am always hinting, insinuating, using "looks", double meaning to say things and do it 100% of the time. I know it sounds like it would also be a problem but having pretty and outwardly sociable priviledges, people get confused and wonder if they are stupid and desperately try to make their way out of looking weird in front of me. I now make neurotypicals feel the way they made me feel and it's pretty fun :) totally worth all the hard work getting those privileges, otherwise it wouldn't work😂
Wow I relate so much, thank you for sharing 🙏
I feel like I kind of took on a neurotypical style too, but mine was more of a fawn response, like…people get mad when I’m honest and I don’t always understand why, so now I just try to say whatever to avoid conflict at all cost. Avoid conversations if I think might upset people, soften any bad news and try to just tough it out if I’m a little uncomfortable with something. Sometimes I even realize later that I could have just been honest, but I still don’t always understand the social rules of when honesty is okay and when it’s rude.
It is sooo frustrating when people aren’t specific when they say something. Then I ask for clarification and they keep being vague. Then when I try to prompt them for more or rephrase my question then they treat me like I’m the stupid one 😂😂. When I can come up with several different ways something can be interpreted. I don’t take offense to it because I’m so used to it. I just have become more assertive and concise. I don’t let people make me feel stupid especially over petty things that do not reflect my intelligence.
I don't know how many times I've had to tell my husband that I need EXPLICIT instructions if he wants me to do something 😂😂😂
Yesss!! Both of my kids are on the spectrum and they are brutally honest and I always say if the whole world communicated like them I think it would be a much easier world to live in.
I would love to say what I mean... I was trained to be careful about that, so I don't really know how to talk with people. Saying what I really think brings me more problems.
Same here I prefer to say what I mean but have always been directed to not be rude or don't say anything at all.
Thank you for appreciating what only makes sense to us autistics!
I’ve been told I’m rude. That I’m too honest. I mean that’s who I am lol.
Me too 😅 Wouldn’t change it if I could but man do men hate it. Don’t get me wrong, no one’s breaking down my door anymore but I’ve also decided I’m done with looking or trying ❤
Never stop being yourself mi amiga. I know I sound corny and you probably hear it all the time but when it’s the right person, it will work.
@@sobeidahiguera1420 🤗 you’re right. I’ve heard it most my life. I’m well into my 40s so I’m even less tolerable and I don’t register flirting soooo chances are so incredibly slim that the needle in the haystack will be available, find me AND I’d let him in 🤦♀️😆
Yes! It helps us allot, be honest and to the point, no extra fluff cause we forget and tune out.
This is absolutely 100% truth!!!
Yes. Love this! The literal communication has gotten me into many tense situations in relationships. But having close friendships and other relationships with people who know and understand makes a huge difference!!
Kojo Sarfo, DNP, awesome video keep up the amazing work
Ppl love to call it bluntness. But I be serious. All the time.
Saying what you mean makes life easier imo. It is the way I can keep my mask off....I hate that thing anyway l.😅
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️ I was having a bad day yesterday and the core of it was about not being accepted due to the challenges that I played no part in picking. It’s nice to hear that there’s people that appreciate the type of people we are instead of judging us for what we’re not..
Ppl don't know how to be honest
Thank goodness this is being talked about!! 🙏🏾
Brutal honesty is a beautiful thing.
Hahaha, this is right on the money! Years ago, when I was still working, I remember a couple of my coworkers spending 10 minutes explaining to me who Felicia was and why we were telling her bye. 😂 I love your videos! Thank you!❤
This is true. I'm a very straightforward person, I can come across as blunt or uptight and unsympathetic, but I'm just very shy and struggle with communicating and empathy. I always assume that people are telling the truth, so it shocks me when they're not lol 😂
Being honest is always the best way to be
I wrote a mandatory essay that explained and demonstrated my personality, sense of humor, and explained the necessity for direct communication as an autistic person that I just gave to people who had mutual interest in going on a date. I met someone amazing who read it thoroughly and seriously (and has reread it periodically since), we started dating in 2021 and we just got married in April. Being super direct, to the point of it being as ridiculously meta as I decided was a good idea, is what helped me connect to the person who really appreciated that even though he isn’t autistic. Communication mismatches come up sometimes between us, because there really is social information that I just don’t have a concept of in order to even begin to participate in or notice, but we also work through that by making clear, literal requests that respect both of our processing abilities and needs. Because my partner can be comfortable and work with using literal and extremely direct ways of communicating, I can also be confident in working to hear, respect, and work with the needs that my partner has which are different than mine. I know this isn’t ideal for everyone, but it’s so great to be appreciated for my autism rather than in spite of it. Thanks for sharing about this!
My son is 8 and Autistic. He came home saying his gym teacher told him not to eat and he started hating himself. Turns out the teacher was trying to instill a healthy mind set in all the kids to eat healthy and exercise (I’m totally on board with that!) so we had a talk with his teacher about how he took what the gym teacher said literally.
Flat out. I know a whole country full of them. Straight up. 🇯🇲 🇯🇲 🇯🇲. We don't beat 'round the bush. We chop it down. Clear path is the way.😊
That's my rule of life, say what you mean, and mean what you say. I'm also neuro divergent but I just found out. I never understood until my diagnosis why it was so hard for people to do this, but I get it now for the most part! It's not a character flaw, it's.y super power!
Whew! I'm raising an autistic kid. He gets sarcasm but he is super literal and he often thinks I'm angry when I'm not. It's definitely a learning process for us both
My brothers used to tease me and say I was so gullible and so naive. Turns out I wasn't, I was just having this exact problem. To this day I have trouble understanding what people expect of me, even when they tell me, and I'm always very hard on myself when I don't give them what they needed. Bc I REALLY want to help them, I just need to know HOW! Like the most specifc HOW you can conjure up in your mind. When someone hits me with the "grab that thing there, please", I just freeze and stare at them with my mouth open.
Compatability is everything.
Facts! This is actually super accurate. I just experiwnced this firsthand this summer. I have a friend with Assburgers who I met at a cafe in my area that hires people with disabilities, particularly people who are neurodivergent. He is very direct and tells things like they are and I never doubt his intentions. Like the first time he met he told me I was pretty and we ended up getting a drink together. We decided to classify it as a date, but he kept saying that all he wanted was for us to get to know each other. And I quickly learmed to trust that. He’s one of the very few guys I know where U trust that he truly has no nefarious intentions if he asks to hang out with you. And he’ll make it clear if he just wants to make friends or is interested in a date. He’s also an excellent judge of character and is really good at reading people. I also learned recently that he’s very good at communicating what he wants and needs. Better than a lot of neurotypical people I know. And he’s super self-aware like others are saying.
As a woman who has in recent years realized that I am probably autistic, although I don't have a formal diagnosis (so expensive), I think of it as laying all of your cards down on the table. No poker face, no playing close to the chest, or being coy. I will tell you exactly where I am at and what my expectations are, and he other person can decide from there. I am using this as a metaphor, but I also do this literally in card games - a couple years ago I was playing a game where you were supposed to lie about the cards you have, but I struggle with lying so I played totally straight about what cards I had. I won both rounds of the game, because everyone just assumed I was lying and had a great poker face.
So true I hate that some people can't be direct and expect me to understand what they mean without just saying it it's so frustrating
Thank you! Its nice hearing someone actually likes it
Hearing this made me smile. So many ppl seem to hate how I communicate. I really only have one GOOD friend I really trust and can talk to. Dating is damn near impossible. My honesty is rarely rewarded. 😅
My husband is autistic. This is great advice. It took a bit to get used to with him in the beginning but 100% worth it.
My partner and I are both neurodivergent and I've never felt more secure, safe, and loved before 💕 we communicate well and say what we need and want and don't have any hidden meaning to our words. It's awesome 😎
I'm neurospicy leaning, and this tip is true. Also, active listening in general. fights can happen over misunderstanding how things are said.
great share, doc.
I literally appreciate the literal❣️🙏🏽
💜🌐💜
I wish everyone had this perspective of how valuable our communication is. Dating has been such a struggle and it's maddening because I just want someone to be as open and honest with me as I am with them. It's odd how that's asking for too much.
As an autistic woman, I appreciate that. Too often growing up I was shamed for being direct and honest, often being called tactless because I didn't dance around an issue (ESPECIALLY the truth) and I always questioned peoples motives and intentions (not to call them out, but to better understand something that didn't make any logical sense to me) and people HATED that about me since I was not easy to manipulate. The last time I was bullied for it was when I worked at costco, of all places, and my team lead purposely sabotaged me because she witnessed being autistic af and thought I was "arguing" with a higher up and decided to spread a rumor that I "put him in his place" so he would retaliate due to his ego. It could have been the start of my villian era but I found a better job where people loved me and I got to pet dogs all day 🥰
I appreciate your opinion and thank you.I struggle with this and feel like there's nobody out there that would understand me thank you for sharing
Yesterday my maintenance person took me through this whole story about the power going out. I actually could have had a heart attack because this old house has = tons of problems. He didn’t say, “the power in your neighborhood went out” He then asked me to get my opinion of clearly poor work that he did that he def. needed to redo. I said, I can’t answer this for you because I’ve never seen dry wall muddying at the stage and am not the expert, and plus my nervous system is so on alert my arms of aching like I could faint.
My beautiful Fiancé is Autistic and he's WONDERFUL with communicating his feelings. I'm so proud to be the love of his life ❤
I married a man 25 years ago… not knowing he was autistic… his behaviours were so distressing, I ended up in hospital with crippling anxiety and depression… would NEVER wish it upon my worst enemy!!!
Sorry you had to go through that. Being married to an autistic person can have its hard moments. I can only imagine how hard it was like for you not knowing. Hope you are doing better.
Thank you all for not gaslighting us🎉😮🎉and casting us out from society.
Artistic Say what you mean and mean what you say is called TRUTH!!
I agree with this and wish i was able to be as up front and honest about a situation or how I feel about somthing.
I wish all people would say what they mean and mean what they say!
As a neurodivergent person I do not always “get” sarcasm or certain types of humor and jokes so I have to get people to explain them and then they get annoyed with me and say “It’s not even funny anymore” and I say well actually it wasn’t even funny in the first place 😂
gotta love all my neurodivergent friends because we are real with each other! We don’t do that passive aggressive bullshit and we communicate directly and effectively. We don’t hold back either 😅
My autistic friend and I (an allistic) got into an argument today. It was the first proper argument we've ever had, as our friendship is quite new.
It was also the fastest and least ugly I've ever had, because she stood her ground and was direct, sincere, and for lack of a better word, truly REAL. She gave me her entire context so I fully understood where she was coming from; she didn't hesitate to call me out on my hypocrisy and unfairness in the situation.
Long story short, I misunderstood a joke as an insult; there was no room to be read because we were texting; and I got shitty at her because she triggered some trauma she didn't even know about. I know what I have to work on now, I know what she meant, and I'm now aware that I actually tend to forget she's autistic, n that causes communication problems.
I really do love that girl
AMEN!!!!! Please, please, PLEASE dont "beat around the bush" if u want to tell me something or make something happen!! Especially if it's something you want us (u and the autistic friend) to DO, Right Now..... saves us so much back and forth and getting frustrated with each other. Time and peace are precious. I don't want the 2 minute convo or debate on the "idea" any more than you do, if what you truly meant was, "I want to do this thing, right now (or ASAP)."
Don't make things sound like a suggestion/idea if its not. Say, "What I want is to ______ , can we do that right now?"
If they start to come back with alternate ideas and ur not honestly open to (any) ideas, say "No-" followed by repeating that line. It may sound a little "blunt/aggressive" to your ears if ur not used to being direct, but your autistic friend will appreciate it. They would much rather that than *you* getting upset at them for having a 2 minute "discussion" that was never actually a true discussion on your part.
Engaging in a discussion makes it sound like ur mind is NOT already 100% set on your idea, so don't be mad at me for not realizing this "option" ur presenting is actually really the one and only thing u want right now.
You may feel like ur being "polite" by *not* being direct, but ur actually wasting both of our time and mental/emotional energy!!
I'm glad you say that bc my son is artistic, and I know he means it when he says he loves me 💕😌
So true, my husband doesn't get sarcasm, hyperbole or anything that isn't factual. You need to be direct and not insinuate or assume. It helped me be a better communicator and honest person.
Yes, be straight up with them and mean it because they will call you up on it!
I've never understood why people don't say what they mean anyways. It would save so much drama😅
Thank you for appreciate our honest direct expression. If I try to speak like a neurotypical I'm getting exhausted. People often gets offended with authenticity. To lye is something that emotionally and physically hurts me🥰
As an autistic woman, I ADORE direct people ❤
I wasn't diagnosed autistic until much later in life [38 yo]. My husband is N.typical. we would argue so much about me oversharing, being too honest, and taking things literally. Hes much more loosey goosey with words and meanings. This makes so much sense.
Super direct and literal should be the standard. Most of the reason we’re all f’d up is we don’t really know where we stand. Make feelings important again- let’s not take for granted intuition is literally part of our evolution.
My mother taught me as a child to say what you mean and mean what you say. So unfortunately I've always been one of those people that take everything to heart
So many misunderstandings... used to frustrate me, now i just laugh manically bc im always right. Not always IN the right, but im always right.
After having an autistic daughter, I think the world would be much better if we were all that way. Say what you mean, you mind your business, and relentlessly pursue the things you love. What a full life that would be.
I am a very logical, honest no bs person. Struggled my whole life in social situations and especially dating where men thought I was "supposed" to be a certain way. My husband and I are both neurodivergent in different ways but we "get" each other.
i agree with you on the fact this is the best way to communicate. i keep those thoughts to myself but secretly im just listening in on drama and conversations and just thinking ".....why are yall playing games when yall talk to eachother. i dont wanna play no guess who, puzzles, riddles, nothing when i talk to soneone but i guess yall find it fun"
My friend is one of the most awsome people ever. It took me a while to get used to her directness but once I did she really appreciates me cause friendship is hard for her.
Oh.... That's what I need!!!!! ❤ People tell me I'm too littéral....🤷🏼♀️