Detransition Diary, Month 2: Find your women
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- Опубліковано 9 жов 2024
- I kept waiting to do this for a day I could be clean and shiny and not in my pajamas. I've accepted that day isn't coming. Here's a heartfelt letter from me in my pajamas to you.
P.S.: Your kindness after just the first video is beyond what I dared expect. Thank you for being excellent to me and to each other. ♡
Girl, you do not need to worry about rejoining female spaces it is your right by birth. Welcome home!
I am the mom of a 15 year old who identifies as male because they "can't see themselves as female". This identity appeared to come on suddenly two years ago. We don't discuss gender issues much right now because it causes distress, but we have a good relationship otherwise. I don't share videos like this because I don't want to seem like I am pressuring them to detransition. However, your advice to embrace different ways to be a woman and to find good role models of womanhood that resonate with you is extremely helpful!
You sound like a respectful and a good person.
Yet I think you are almost too shy to play your role of mother, to protect her efficiently, as if you did not dare to be yourself.
How can she be herself if you do not allow yourself to be yourself ?
Listen to your guts and to your heart more.
You think that to show her these videos would be to pressure her.
Maybe you are right.
It depends on the context of course but it might not be the case.
You seem to be afraid of talking to her or of listening to her or both because of her distress.
Her distress is the elephant in the room but you both pretend you don't see it.
You get on well with her but maybe more like a friend.
Maybe she needs a safe adult to stop her, to understand her and to love her but to set boundaries as well.
Maybe there is too much enmeshment.
You are older than her and have more experience.
Maybe her dad is absent ?
Maybe you feel lonely and so does she. Maybe she misses her dad.
Maybe his absence is like a big black hole.
Maybe he has failed her in one way or another and she is trying to be a better version of man.
It could also be a way not to lose him and to know what it is like innerly to be him.
Maybe she unconsciously would like to be your perfect partner.
Why did she change all of a sudden 2 years ago ? What happened ? Why the pain ?
It seemed to be rapid onset of gender dysphoria.
Maybe she watched videos about transition and thought "this is like me." There is a lot of peer contagion.
I don't know. I am just speculating.
Maybe she saw porn on the internet and was shocked.
Maybe she has been emotionally or sexually abused in your family or outside of your family.
Maybe she has been the victim of a predator and you don't know it.
She probably has gone through adverse experiences linked to her femininity.
Trauma disconnects from the self.
In my view your daughter needs your help even if she does not seem to need it, even if she seems to want total freedom, even if she appears to know exactly what she wants.
She is very young.
13/14/15/16/17 are very vulnerable ages for everybody and even more so when there are unresolved traumas.
These are years of transition from childhood to adulthood.
In my view a real and natural transition is from baby to toddler to child to teenager to grown up, not from gender to gender.
Testosterone can be dangerous for the heart and surgeries can add layers of trauma.
It is positive that you have a good relationship with her though.
There is trust. There is a deep bond. You can build on this trust.
You are a trustworthy person.
You love her. Otherwise you would not be watching this type of video.
There are other videos of other detransitioners which are very interesting and insightful too.
Maybe the videos of Lisa Romano could help you. (They are not about transgenderism.)
I'm a trans masc guy, not questioning detransitioning. But I find your advice of taking notes of the empowering femininity surrounding you and remembering that femininity is a positive thing to be really thought provoking. I think it's plainly great advice, more people should be doing that, including myself. So thanks Rylan! Really enjoying this series and hearing more about your experience.
Thank you! I'm so glad to hear transition is right for you. I'm not sure how comfortable you are with stereotypical masculine roles for your culture, but if you tend to struggle with them, finding men who succeed as the type of person you are is reassuring too. It's a reminder you don't have to have any one heart to be a man either. You deserve to be at home in yourself, brother.
i've been feeling the exact same way about stepping back into women's spaces. it's tough, i feel like i will just have to wait until i pass as female again. i expressed these thoughts to a female friend of mine recently though and she said i shouldn't feel intrusive, of course i'd be welcome, so - that's comforting :)
If you read through some other comments I think you'll find your friend's opinion is pretty common! As awkward as it feels, fortunately women come in all shapes and sizes and voices and styles, including yours. All you have to do to be female is be born female, and you took care of that part ages ago. That legacy will always be there for you to reclaim when you're ready for it.
Self-hatred is the gift of capitalist patriarchy. There are so many industries and professions that feed into it. We all have to get the consciousness to build the self-love in spite of the bad teachings. I found Buddhism helps with most mental health. Funky role models! Yeah! gnc women rock! You seem on a good path. Nice video.
I think female spaces would be happy to receive you.
I just found your channel through UA-cam's algorithm. I loved Anne Rice and the Vampire Chronicles as a kid! I still own all of them haha 'The Vampire Armand' is my favorite book and I connected so much with Bianca. I just love her. Ahhhhh, thank you for reminding me. I haven't thought about those books in ages. ☺️♥️
The god part in Samuel means to or towards. It goes from to, to invoked, to the god that is invoked. But the el ultimately means to. The sam part means name or listen. It is funny how it ties in with how you talk of how things need to come to you.
How have those originally with you reacted to your new stance?
Samuel is a Hebrew name which means 'Heard of God.'
What kind of T were you on and what was the dosage? Sorry, but I am afraid I didn't catch that. I am myself a detransitioning woman, I was on Nebido for almost seven years and I believe that the type of testosterone really matters.
I'm not sure about the brand, since it's a topical cream compounded in-house by the pharmacy. (I guess that's the brand? The place is called Phusion-it ships anywhere in the USA so I suppose there's a chance plenty of people use it.) Why do you suspect there's a difference? I'm definitely interested in hearing how things have been for you.
@@rylan605 I see. Thanks for your reply and sorry for my late one. I think topical cream is less strong than being injected T in the buttock. I don't know, but in my opinion shots are more direct and more "effective". I don't know how to explain. I was on 1000mg every 12 weeks. Well, I am now 3 months off T and I did see very minor changes. My sex drive almost doesn't exist, I get less acne on my body especially on my chest, insomnia is slowly going away too, I tend to be slightly more focused on what I am doing than before. My main concern though is hair loss. Today I ended up shaving the little I had with a razor blade. Before T I had a full head of very thick hair. Now I just have very few thin hairs left plus cutis verticis gyrata, a rare condition which causes the skin of the scalp to thicken, forming wrinkles. Although my voice has never gotten too deep, I am often ma'amed while making phone calls and I just use my normal voice, so I don't know if my voice is changing as well or if it just didn't change much to begin with. Legally, to change my name back, I have to go through a full court process with the help of a lawyer and since I am low on money I have to wait, but since I don't remotely look like a girl, I am not worrying about that at the moment.