Therapist Explains Transference & Countertransference
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- Опубліковано 2 жов 2024
- What's Anya Mind?
In this video, I'm sharing a question I get asked a lot: is it normal to be attracted to your therapist?
This question can be tricky to answer, as there is no single answer that applies to everyone. However, in this video, I'm going to offer some tips on how to deal with this situation and determine whether or not it's something you should address with your therapist.
Whatever you decide, I hope you find the advice in this video helpful. If you have any other questions about this topic, please feel comment below!
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This happened to me in the past, where I developed romantic feelings and attraction towards a therapist. Thankfully having read about similar situations, I was able to understand that he did have traits that I was looking for in a romantic partner, but I needed to find those same traits in somebody who was actually romantically available to me. After I accepted that, the feelings went away on their own after a while, so we were able to continue to work together which was really important to me.
I've heard a provider frame it as "What is preventing you from feeling those positive feelings (about the therapy space) in a relationship out in the world?" I found that a helpful way to frame the issue
May I ask did your therapist help you to come to that conclusion that you needed to find someone available for your romantic feelings?
I notice that I form attractions to men that I can have meaningful conversations with without feeling like they’re just trying to talk to me to sleep with me. Like the typical “work husband”, a “male best friend” etc. Even if they’re not the type I would normally be attracted to. I can definitely see me falling for my therapist if I even decided to go to one lol
I've always been attracted to men that are dependable and helpful without making me feel like a burden, so I understand completely.
Same 😊
Good insight @Loren :)
Honestly I think a lot of people could relate to this! Sometimes I won't even find a coworker physically attractive, but then I learn they have a good personality and they make me feel like I can be myself (non judgemental) and then I find myself being more attracted to them :( it's weird haha but I just don't focus on that part
As you think about it, it’s easy to see why this is the case does us because i totally relate!
I had an amazing therapist help me SO much with trauma and self esteem. I’ve seen many helpful therapists but she was the first to help me make noticeable change. I don’t feel a romantic attraction but I became attached like she is a mom or friend. She recently moved away. I’m grieving. I feel like I lost my mom and I didn’t realize I’d become so attached. I am reminding myself I hired her to help me love myself, not to love me or be my friend, and i have made huge progress with that! I’m letting myself be sad for a while. At first I had some shame pop up but thanks to all the tools she taught me I am being kind and gentle with myself.
Thanks for talking about this topic! I’m sure a lot of us feel this way when someone shows us all this love and caring. Therapy can really stir some stuff UP 😂
TBH, even if the content doesn't apply, i click the notification + watch to the end, not just to support but mainly to hear the theme song. LOLOL 🤭😆 every. time.
the harmony, the melody, the music -- i'd empty my wallet just to get a full version. i've no idea what the lyrics would be but i've heard enough of NDO's work to know it'd be worth the download. LOL it's catchy + plays on repeat in my head (sometimes out loud 🤪) the rest of the day.
whaaaAaaAAat's AAANYA MIIIIIIIND. 🤣EVERY! TIME!
SO clever! 🤩
Haha!! So glad that you like it!
I’m going through this now with my therapist, I feel “attached” to her, in a non romantic way. She’s not old enough to be my mother so maybe friend? Does it HAVE to be transference, or can it just be a great match?
However, I feel like she lives in my head rent free and I’m often curious about her and her life.
We talked about it months ago and it kinda diminished after my grandmother recently passed away, I was more focused on that and grieving (still) but it’s come back. Kind of scared to tell her for the fear I’m getting in my own way of working with her
They don't need to be the same age your parents for you to transfer, many of my therapists have been younger than me. The important thing is to bring it up and talk it through.
Damn that sounds like a situation I had. I was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety and it was hard to open up to her about my issues because she was so damn attractive. I never made it known that I was attracted to her because it would’ve been embarrassing letting someone know that knows you have issues know that you are attracted to her 😳. It got to the point where I just stop going all together. I ghosted her
Understandable. I hope that you were able to find a better fit to get support.
@@StephAnya not yet!!!! I’ve always had a problem sharing things about myself anyway but it was even harder with the therapist being attractive. Unfortunately, I haven’t found the right fit for me.
Keep looking! You'll find the right one.
@@cjjohnson3827I couln‘t deal with a hot therapist either, even had problems with a hot dentist 😅
@@cjjohnson3827 definitely get that dude. I find a good looking T safe to talk to. Where as a T who is extremely attractive the opposite where I wouldn't be able to be real vulnerable. I heard it suggested that we see people who are attractive as being good at everything and generally safe. Not sure if that's true or the psychology but it makes sense in general to me. Keep looking I often use psychology today to search out options where you see a profile pic.
Luckily I am not in this situation in any way or form but it was really nice that you have talked about different "styles" of therapy. For a while I was feeling that my therapist is a little bit cold and distant for my liking but at some point something has changed - not that she shares a lot about herself in the sessions but now she talks a lot more, not necessarily as advice but rather summarising what I said or how she sees I feel about the topics we are talking about, or more reassuring towards me. Since then I feel a lot more comfortable during the sessions but I would not consider her as my friend, she balances the relationship and the dynamic pretty damn fine.
I'm so glad that the relationship improved so that it feels more balanced for you! In this case, it seems like it's good that you stuck with it.
Sounds like a good rapport!
You need to watch the movie 50/50. Therapist and patient in inappropriate relationship.
What about not negative feelings with countertransference? For example, a client that the therapist feels exceptional empathy for because they have gone through similar traumas and the therapist sees themself in the client. How do you handle that and maintain boundaries?
Sounds like a provider veering into codependent feelings, definitely tricky to discuss
surely that's just empathy and needing to deal with your personal triggers and boundaries. if it causes problems then it suggests you need to do more of your own therapy, and possibly not work with clients who have those particular traumas that trigger you.
Gained a new subscriber! I have heard your theme song when my husband is cleaning the kitchen! Haha and a friend shared today! I loved it!
Thanks for sharing :)
Aw thank you! And welcome 🤗
When I tell you I have been trying to remember the words transference and counter transference for the past like 6 months and could not for the life of me recall them???? 😂😂😂 Thank you for making this video lol
Going back to your prompt about commenting our therapy styles, I had to stop going to a therapist that I had because she was…..almost like a piece of rubber. She sat there and listened, which is obviously part of what y’all do, but she never talked about herself, offered advice, gave an opinion, etc. I don’t do well when I feel like I’m the only one sharing, it just makes me clam up and say something surface level or “mold” the conversation in a way that’s more beneficial for my comfort level at that time lol I was just having conversations with myself out loud it felt like lol I kind of told her in a nice way that if I was just going to sit here and come to the conclusions myself anyway, that there was no point in me paying to speak to her because I could just overthink myself into the same conclusions alone instead of out loud in front of someone 😅😅😅
I feel that--I did a session with a European-trained psychoanalyst once and she said 5 words in 50 minutes. I ran out of the building talking to myself and venting to a friend about how artificial it felt
@@js2010ish dude what?!?! I would’ve been supremely uncomfortable in that situation… 😳😤
Thanks for sharing- I had a very similar experience. It resulted in my stop going bc she wouldn't give me anything- advice, stories, or show any emotion. Most awkward month of my life.
@@ccb4708 dude yeeessss. Like how are we supposed to get anywhere with that? They’re the therapists that narcissists and people who don’t want to actually go to therapy to get better but instead just find excuses for why they’re right go to
I was seeing a male therapist for a short while, we stopped because he took a year off work and will probably go back this year. It was interesting because I haven't had good relationships with men ever really and I saw it as an opportunity to just be myself with a man who listened and supported me and didn't make it sexual (I always felt treated like a piece of meat and hypersexualised against my will by men) because he couldn't if nothing else. I did start having a crush on him but I also took it as something normal and kind of expected. I want to go back because I want to have a reperative experience with a male therapist, I had wonderful female therapists but it's not the same. I plan on talking openly about the topic and stop if it gets too much.
Brave to confront these!
Watch out for the game playing that can happen with many male therapist with female clients.
@@Sheherhis I have been back in therapy for months now with the same male therapist and it's going well. Half of the time we talk about our dynamic and what is coming up for the both of us, he is super supportive and understanding.
@@ilikemaline He sounds like a good therapist. Thanks for sharing.What do you mean by dynamics and what's coming up for the both of you. He shares his feelings too. I would be pinning away for him. Do you pin and how do you handle it? Or are you clear it's not going to ever be a relationship?
@@Sheherhis I talk a lot about how I struggle to trust him because I just have huge problems with trusting people but especially men. I have a wall up and slowly working on opening up more. He talks about what is coming up for him, if that is something he is picking up from me or if it's more his own stuff (how he feels he needs to save me or that he isn't doing enough) I would also say we have a quite casual relationship not a very formal one becuse it's not our style, he also shares his own things sometimes. So it's easier for me to be honest about my feelings although it's still really hard. It's funny you commented on something I wrote almost a year ago because I forgot how I felt back then. No, no crush suprisingly I just like him as a person and would like to have him as a friend. I actually met his partner before I met him and she is super cool and I know they have a very healthy family life together so maybe that also helps to not daydream about him. It's probably also a sing of my healing because I think in the past I would most likley be obsessing over him.
Oooo this is a juicy topic!! Excited to watch! Thanks Steph Anya!
Hope you like it!
This is absolutely hitting even though I don’t see a therapist I dated one and I didn’t want to have feelings and maybe they used tactics? Idk but thanks sis lol
What about limerence? If the therapist held appropriate boundaries, then wouldn’t it have to be limerence?
That’s my question, too.
Great explanation of transference and how limerent bonds can form in therapy, 👏🏼 feels accessible and client-centered. Great tips on how to navigate it too.
I'm feeling this rn. my feelings for my therapist fluctulate alot. sometimes I dislike her or feel a sense of rejection over things she says and does and feel fear about how effective our therapy will be (what she's trained in vs what I need long term), and other times I just love her so much. I already thought she was attractive just looks wise the day we first met, but sometimes she'll say and do things that make my heart skip a beat or things that are so relatable, funny, cute. last time we met I just wanted to kiss and hug her so bad. ughhh her being a new, younger therapist thats closer to my age doesnt help either. but I told her my feelings over text and she said we can assess it next time we meet so I'll have to see what happens
So what happened?
@@LeoRising0416 I ended up terminating with her. I told her how I felt and she acted awkward and weird about the whole thing and didnt wanna help we work through it, and she was very invalidating about other stuff too so I stopped seeing her
Wow I wish I watched this years ago. I've bailed on therapy so many times because I felt I was too annoying to my therapist and that I probably ruined their day by showing up.
Aw I hate to hear that 🥺
As goofy as it sounds just bring that up. Any time you worry about how they feel just ask. Open communication really helps. Usually I am distorted in my worry and by asking I can get an answer instead of guessing through a distorted lense. Hopefully you can find a new one if you want to try again.
Such a painful feeling, wishing you healing
Sorry to hear that for you.❤
I did prefer my therapist to share a little of her life with me. It helped me to trust her and to finally open up. I worked a lot better thanks to that and she pulled me out of depression. But, of course, it ended up in romantic transference… Which I had to deal with after.
I've had this happen a couple times. I would try to make the sexual energy non sexual or not have quiet awkward moments of silence but she they would keep doing it and would make long eye contact and I'd get really nervous.
We needed more classes in this in graduate school..
Thank you for another great Video Steph 💕💕
Thanks for watching!
I feel like a lot of couples that “fall in love” in love is blind are experiencing some type of falling in love with your therapist kind of scenario since they dont see each other and they can open up easily
Loved hearing your thoughts on this! Such a great video about a touchy topic.
Hi Steph! As I’m preparing for my LMFT externship, I’m trying to get more solid in the theory I want to operate most from. How did you figure this out?! Would you mind sharing theories that you use most often?
I've experienced this, it's so painful knowing that nothing can happen between you and him, because it shouldn't. But it helped me realize what I actually need in a romantic relationship. We shouldn't be ashamed of our emotions. Greetings from Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Everything in therapy is not always “transference.” A poor start, a lack of goals and a of informed consent can kick things off lacking in trust and just underpin a negative relationship with the therapist. If the therapist has assessed the client but not shared any feedback - then the client is entitled to feel judged. The dogma of therapy can lead to many many people leaving confused and harmed. Blank slate therapy especially disturbs normal social interaction and can worsen a client’s feelings about social interaction.
This is interesting you say this a poor start and no feedback seems to cause confusion about what is my therapist thinking.
My therapist i had told me about this. She just felt like maternal of me I think? She used the example of calling your teacher mom on accident. I only got to be her client for 3 months before she moved. I miss her dearly and don’t want to get another bc I’m afraid they won’t understand me like she did, plus what’s the point since I’ll have to get a new one every year??
Wow this is an interesting thing to think about. Great video!
Thanks for watching!
Hey Steph Anya, loved your theory overview videos, helped me get my LMFT. Great info above.
Congratulations!! So glad to have been a part of your journey!
Does this happen more often with a certain demographic of patients/clinicians? I wonder if marginalized groups like Black women might fall into these scenarios due to extreme isolation and trauma that happens more to them than others statistically
Makes sense that anyone ostracized in general may be more prone to a limerent bond with the provider
thank you’ve much for your content :)
What if the client is no longer a client anymore and later on the therapist and client decides to give it a shot? Is that considered unethical for the therapist and could jeopardize his/her license still???
I think she mentioned that towards the end. She said it varies on the state and licensure. I think it depends on how long long you wait
The first time I saw him I was outside the clinic ....I thought he was so cute because he smiled at me ... and 30 minutes after in the wainting room found out he w as my therapist .....and I feel so much pain because I don't want to have feelings for him
How did it go??
Interesting. My sister has fallen in love with her therapist. My friend and my Mother-in-law have often fell in love with their doctors. For my friend if the doctor is the same sex she will go on and on about how wonderful her doctor is but if it is a male doctor or vet she is in love. Very strange.
watching this video, i started wondering -- is it even ok to not have transference in therapy? i don't see my therapist as a mother figure or a love interest or a friend, but rather an outsider trying to mentor me. a therapeutic relationship is truly a weird one lol.
I said the same to my T. Yes it's okay but if you trust them enough to really open up it's still transference I think. Doesn't need to be anything weird but still is that trust. If I'm not mistaking no transference what do ever would be a very limited experience. Transference and countertransference isn't always bad. I don't want to sleep with my T or have them be my parent or best friend. However there is a bond that lets me share personal crap and accept constructive criticism from them that I wouldn't take to heart coming from a stranger. That bond is still transference.
@@edbrown5956 that's a good point. that trust is a major component in therapy for sure
Yes it is😊👍🏾
Beautiful Smile ma'am ❤ 😍
Very common
Seeing mine just recently, it was going really well until during one of the talkings she crossed her leg on a way part of her thigh became exposed and damn, i am still embarrassed becuase I'm pretty sure i stuttered for a moment.
Fucking hell embarrassing ass moment, therapists should be prohibited from being hot because damn
Omg I will feel sooo embarrassed
I love your videos Steph! You explained these processes really clearly.
Thanks so much for watching them, Jonathan!
I like my therapist i don't want to feel this way but i do she has help me so much
Some self disclosure is a plus. The whole just rephrasing what I say gets old after a while. Due to attachment style I don't think I would ever want to be in a long term relationship with my T. They are strictly my T and if I ever thought differently I'd definitely filter what I told them. They are nice in many different ways but no way marriage material.
At work and have question on it's as counsel for me how do work on there's
thanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Do you have an email by any chance? I can contact you with? Do you mind If I ask for a favor for a few short questions? Homework assignment If your up to it ?
Hi Steph. I really love your videos and am wondering if it would be possible for you or your team to add timestamps to your videos?
I love your thumbnail for this video 😂😂
Are we symbolically holding hands in therapy ?
I talked about my feelings with my therapist(I love him) and he told me that he loves me too! He's 15 years old older than me and I can tell he really wants to be in relationship with me!
I know that I should quit it but I love him so much that I cry when I think about leaving him...
What should I do?😭
Omg how did it go??
Thank you, Steph! You clarified so much for me!
Do you have a video on Narcissism?
I feel the same but im really afraid to talk about it ,my therapist is married ,and its just feel so awkward ,i dont know what to do ,its eating me alive ,loving him having sexual fantasy about him ,but watching him with his wife 😔,i cant get him out of my mind
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that internal conflict. How are you watching him with his wife?
Dear Stephanie
Beautiful work🎉
Awesome video 👍🏿
Thank you 👍
@@StephAnya np #hugfan 👍🏿
This topic is the same scenario of a book called Five Years by Brooklyn Knight. I wonder how you would react to the tomfoolery that takes place in that book🤔
Ohhh let me find it!
I like my sessions to be client focused. I notice that I tend to ask about my therapist when I’m avoiding addressing certain topics within my treatment.
Bingo! 🎯
Beautifully explained
I have a fear that a male therapist will want to sexually abuse me if I show vulnerability.
Especially if I trust him and if he seems benevolent.
Even more if he seems to have affection for me (as therapists can have for their clients, I guess).
I’d be obsessed with him (not in a romantic way, in more of a fatherly way) then the moment I see affection from his side I want to cut contact because I start to see him as a sexual abuser.😅
Could that be some type of transference ?
Yes, that is transference. Even just the fear itself. I’d say it’s probably best to start with a female therapist to help abate those worries and process the root.
@@StephAnya Thank you for your answer! 🌷
For the algorithm
first! im so excited to watch this! yr videos r awesome
Yay! Thank you!
Yeah I've had some issues with this as well I see I'm a female therapist now so there's no issues with this but I have thought about this as well and especially if it once in awhile if it's been a male therapist my dad passed away in 09 so sometimes you know when it's been a male it's been comforting to have a chat with a male therapist sometimes because you know it feels kind of but I've had it be unhealthy is
My therapist Regina is smoking hot!
How about just lust? No desire for a full relationship, but just kinky sex in the office while people are just outside the office in the waiting room. I don't see anything ethnically wrong with that. Should be able to leave the session with a smile and sense of relief whule the therapist feels she really made a break through; win / winn, right?. I lust my therapist.
Im so glad I found your channel. Thanks for making it.
Aw thank you for watching
Male client with female therapiat is unrealistic.
If a man has learned to master hia sexual energy, he probably doesn't need therapy sessions...
I didn't have this, kinda the opposite I was scared/ had intrusive thoughts that my therapist would think I was attracted to them if I smiled at them at too much or was too friendly or just even looked at them and I wasn’t even attracted to them 😅😬🥲
Interesting! I’d say that’s also an example of transference since it seems like there’s a belief that if you’re too friendly, you’ll communicate attraction. I’d bring it up with your therapist if you feel safe enough to.
@@StephAnya Thank you! I no longer have a relationship with that therapist due it not being a good fit, but ill definitely bring it up if I feel it with my future therapist if I deal with it again, I honestly learned a lot from it tho, to not keep things hidden and just bring to the light
Same