What A Narcissist's Anger Really Means
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- Опубліковано 16 гру 2022
- When narcissists become angry, they want you to feel as if you are faulty and deficient. But, as Dr. Les Carter points out, the intensity of a narcissist's anger indicates how they have much hidden tension that they have not come to terms with. It is essential for you to know and understand the real reason for their anger, so you will not succumb to their self-serving accusations.
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Best idea is get out . Stay away from the narcissist. They will get violent and vindictive.
A narcissist’s anger is comparable to a toddler who hasn't learned how to regulate their emotions yet. Seeing an adult in their 50s lose her mind with rage, because she didn't get her way or was told no, is quite the unnerving sight.
Have you met my sister?
I had to laugh when I saw your comment. The last time I saw my sister, she was in a full-blown tantrum. It was upsetting but I didn’t react and stuck with my boundaries so she didn’t get the results she wanted. But then, she went to the corner, sat down with her arms folded in front of her chest and made that pout face I’ve only ever seen on toddlers. In hindsight, it was hilarious but at the time it was just really disturbing. That’s the day I went no contact. It’s been a little over 2 years now and life isn’t perfect, but it is a whole lot more peaceful.
@@jencaragia Is your sister a 60-year-old over the hill department store model who thinks she's going to be a household name? If so, then, yes, I've met your sister.
Yup. Anger is a natural emotion which ought to be discharged in some constructive way like exercise/ yoga but these people instead project their anger onto everyone they encounter; whether it be the sales assistant in a store or their own girlfriend/ husband. Their poor humour makes it impossible to defuse the situation too.
It’s amazing how this video appeared at the right time. I have a narcissistic sister and a neighbor in my building who both throw tantrums like a little kid! This morning the neighbor was mad at the washing machine in the laundry room and I could hear her slamming the lid shut! I’m sure she knew I could hear it but I was like, nope, I’m not giving this narc the attention her little child within is looking for! I will however set new boundaries with her if she continues to disturb the peace in the building. Seriously. And she’s like 50 years old! 😂
The narcissist becomes angry when the scapegoat isn't following the "rules".
exactly!
Exactly ! Narcissistic visitor is trying to rearrange my furniture and wall hangings (office plaques that I want in the home office area). I am not following the rules !
Yea, and you sometimes dont know the rules. My dad will yell at my mom for not turning off TV when he falls asleep, and he also yells at her for turning off TV when he falls asleep.
@@vytisagafonovas3887 That’s a very strange father you have…must be difficult for everybody to cope with his behavior 😢
@@itana5542 it is. When i was a child i was afraid to invite friends to come over. One day i just invited without thinking and my friend got yelled at becouse he walked too laud, he called him a horse. The thing is he walked normaly, its just that my dad is used that me and my brothers walk on the tips of our toes to not disturb him.
They perceive everything as an attack, no matter how insignificant and/or benign.
This right here. I asked my abusive husband who is miserable if he wanted to move out. I asked him this in a calm voice and he raged at me. If he is so miserable he might as well move out and leave.
Absolutely. In my job as a qualified positive reinforcement behavioural trainer, it is impossible to tell these p$^&# they need to change what they are doing ( abusing their dog)if they want to fix their dog's problem. Which is what I am being paid for.... And my mother. Any time I tell her how unhappy
I feel when she does her controlling invalidating crap,she accuses me of attacking her, then sulks, then does it all again. It's exhausting and nothing she does changes because it cant be discussed without being accused of attacking her,so you give up. So she gets to go using me as her emotional punching bag and making me do whatever she wants.
Yep I can agree wholeheartedly with that statement... I might try to vent about something & my mom or stepdad think I'm attacking them. It's ridiculous ! Or they will some how manage to turn it to them as in "like well I had a rough life too."
It's amazing how the anger is always burbling right below the surface, how the smallest thing can set them off. It makes it so you can never let down your guard around them, ever.
I’m not Suprise at the anger. I live i. A small town full of Bullies which is just another way of saying Narcissistic people and 98% of them? Are Alcoholics.The damage that Alcholics get to brains? Leads to all kinds of nast disorders and eventually Dementia hence the Demented thinking that Narcissistic have?
Yes, a state of hyper vigilance is one of the negative effects of being in their presence. It means your cortisol will stay elevated and your adrenals will be stressed out. Negative health effects are just another reason to get out.
@@TheQueensWish agreed, well said. Free for only 2 months and my back pain has vanished 🙏☀️
You notice that too?
I believe I read somewhere that Frank Lloyd Wright's wife wrote that when he would enter a room, before he would even speak, she would feel as if ALL THE AIR was sucked out of her lungs. That's how it was for me being married to a narcissist for over 30 yrs. You never knew what they would be mad about next. Their inner rage never ceases.
They twist an entirely innocent situation into something it's not and then get angry about it
The punishment never fits the crime( that they created)
They anger when there is nothing to anger about! 😳🤔🤯
It’s mentally exhausting
@@amandaliverpool3374 so unessesary so much wasted time and energy. Finally I learned
@@beauti_in_and_out6178 is that an indicator you are dealing with a narcassist.. I think so... I feel so much LESS exhausted since getting out
They get mad when things don't go their way, when they lose control over you and you don't do things their way.
I couldn't care less if their in "a great feel of pain". Who hasn't been? They are stone cold, immature jerks. Walk away from them if you can because they certainly are inadequate and don't look back. Let them reap what they sow period.
The only word to describe this level of anger is "demonic" because its as if someone or something takes over and the person is possessed I only saw it a few times and it was terrifying. I never went back. To this day it haunts me. These people are not people as we know them. They have morphed into a separate species with very few human qualities.
Demonic it is
I agree. They aren’t human.
Yes, and vicious.
Yes 🙌
Totally agree! 👍 I’ve seen it! It is demonic for real.
In my experience, the narcissist’s anger came out when they were losing some level of control or there was a challenge to their sense of superiority. And generally speaking, the level of anger directly correlated to their perceived level of injury.
Exactly like losing their property with no care of who they hurt even that person is very physically sick.
They put either money or possesions before family or friends.
It gives them a sense of power ,albeit false power.
Nailed it!
Very true🎉
I had a person who flat out hit me in the face, because I would not go along with them.😳 And the best part of it, they Gaslight me, right there, telling me that I hit myself. 😮
🤔 it’s like a cornered animal, if they feel trapped ( or lost control over you) Watch out!
After all these experiences, I’m soooooooo great full for people like Dr.C who actually HELP. If it wasn’t for these videos, who know where I’d be. Thanks for empowering all of us to take our life back.
Shalom
@@susantolle7599 All's I can say is they got some splaining to do when they stand before God. I want a front seat for that. I can wait.
💯
They're always the first to tell you what's wrong with you. But never themselves.
Everything a narcissist is "afraid" of being perceived as.........is exactly who they are.
This💯
yup
And THIS:the verbally abusive names & labels they use ….. exactly who they are!
Exactly. They fear their own truth.
❤ I relearned that I was a good man all along...just by refusing to accept anything from the malignant narcissist wife....and more importantly...I was shocked to learn how morally bankrupt and devious she is ! It is a beautiful journey back to progressive growth. Bumped knees and skinned elbows included. 🙏
They've learned along the way that their anger reaction works for them to intimidate others from looking behind the curtain where a terrified vulnerable child hides inside an adult body.
I feel sorry for these poor souls, but I’m staying faaaaaar away from that hell on earth. 🔥
Wow... I'm really touched by your words... You show understanding of these wounded souls yet I think you have compassion too 🙏☀️☀️
You are right, but enabling them through understanding and compassion just turns them into higher malignancy. This is the fatal mistake most parents make.
@@reginafarias hi Regina from the UK. I agree with you.
And it is a mistake I made, among many mistakes.
I thought compassion and understanding would work... When it didn't I tried more understanding and more compassion in an ever increasing feeling of confusion.
I was a great enabler, thinking I was trying to help... But I guess like many, my motivation was "to fix things" or "to fix my partner"
Being here and learning from so many people who are further down the learning path than I am has shifted my focus from the outside to the inside. I now know its not my job to try to change anyone, or fix the relationship with "understanding and compassion" like trying to mend a hole in the road with ice cream.
My job is to fix me. And that's what I'm doing. All the best Regina 🙏☀️
Yes. My 39yo sister has thrown major fits all her life to get her way with our mother. She doesn't take "no" for an answer, and she doesn't stop until my mom gives in, and then she gets her way.
No one else is allowed to express anger, especially towards them even if they did or said something to cause you feel anger.
Yep I’ve been told I’m the one with an anger problem! I actually went so far as to take an anger management class bc of my reactive abuse (that always gets used against me). I realized I do not have an anger problem at all. I’m just being pushed and poked to my limit and defending myself. They love to use those things against ppl.
I think it means they can’t handle when we are stable, peaceful and unaffected by their mental games and tactical moves.
As a whole they hate progressive people. You could say a certain bunch that votes a certain way is a Very Narcissistic bunch. I find they tend to be Alcoholics in most cases too
100%
Narc parents just couldn't tolerate it when I was happy. Ah well, water under the bridge.
Right on ☺️
☝️
Narcissists are trapped in basic dog psychology. If you observe the behavior of two dogs when they meet, they must establish first who is dominant and this is done by one holding its head higher than the other. This is how the narcissist lives their entire life - everything you do, say, and feel, is seen as a display of dominance in which they must counter by "reestablishing their head above yours," and this is why their behavior comes off so outlandish and inexplicable.
So when someone begins sniffing your butt...run!
@@SurvivingNarcissism so tired of them peeing on my things as well great channel thank you!
Excellent analogy.
Anger can make people fear them. But, it's usually their own emotions that they fear. The more scared they are. The more angry they are. In my opinion!
Your opinion is spot on, Amanda.
I believe as a child I screamed my ass off in my pillow, afterwards I felt relief, I think I noticed early on that pointing any anger towards a person does not get me anywhere, I think I snapped twice in my lifetime (and I remember what for and why so I'm not the delusional one here..) especially when showing a boundary towards someone you trusted, not to be crossed still is crossed(what a coincidence), again I do not turn towards a person, I will know how to defend myself and that's not only with vocabulary. I also think if you don't know your boundaries as a man, you're going to snap in your life and someone is going to get hurt, guess I'm the lucky one that got that memo on time, since I'm a true weapon, by size length and so on (only 1% of males has my posture), if I would reach out and do something It sure wouldn't have to be repeated it would be pretty final, so to act on it has to be something life threatening. I can defend myself no problem, against any hostility from men. (And they do NOT tend to challenge me.) Probably the way I carry myself. Anyways I use to look at fear as intimidation as a child, as I was feared enough times, at some point you try to overcome those who are doing that to you. In the end the reason when there is actually none given is to walk away. Final thoughts in peace we prosper.
It's so sad that they are scared in this way. ... We would help anyone else who is scared but no matter how hard you try, you CANNOT help them. Often makes things worse.
@@RN-gx7wt I can only imagine the frustration that got you to that point and good for you for venting your feelings in the appropriate manner. That shows a huge amount of strength and courage!
As children we only want to be heard, not for attention but that we matter. I remember being taken to a child psychologist as a toddler because I wouldn't sleep and misbehaved occasionally. I was put on meds till I was 5. Mum took me off it coz I went into too deep a sleep. I then slept walked until into my 20's. That wonderful thing, hindsight, told me that I wasn't 'hyperactive' ( people are too easy given labels ) Children are extremely sensitive to their surrounds and pick up on toxic atmospheres. I didn't sleep, probably stressed, and was a bit misbehaved/grumpy due to sleep deprivation. Understandable looking at things logically. F Fwd a few decades, after jumping from the frying pan into the fire, I got myself and my children in a safe situation and have brought my lads up on my own even with chronic illness.
My lad had 'a moment' with his Dad last weekend. I asked him he felt better. It was a no! He's learned from it. The younger lad...I try and steer his emotions in a positive direction. I listen to them they are important but so am I..
I am privileged that you gave me some insight to Your Story. You have help this 5ft 4 and a half (the half is important) 50+ Scouse girl grow and stand straighter as the world is lifted from her shoulders. You're more of an inspiration than you realise and should be proud of yourself. Ta for sharing lad 👍🙂🙏
@@sturobertson6791 If they're not listening or are unresponsive the only way is no contact. Take care 🙂 🙏🌞
When you say no and when they can't control you all hell will break loose sign Cynthia Smith
Narcissists can never be exposed as bad or wrong ~ without suffering an injury to their (false-self) dignity ~ which then erupts as uncontrolled indignation/anger/tantrums. This explains their tiresome habit of endlessly arguing or "right-fighting" even when they are plainly and obviously wrong or at fault.
Yep!
So true.
Nailed it!
🎤⬇️
Bingo!
Projection of narcs’ own unresolved issues unto others.
Hi SewDiva. You are so on target.
And you never get to find out the issues because you can never have an emotional connecting conversation. No matter how you try. 🙏☀️🙏
As always Dr C I’m looking forward to hearing your take on this touchy subject.
@@sturobertson6791 yes Stu I agree with you💯🎯. They like to change the subject or hang up the phone. 🙄
@@SewDiva5691 did you get the phone hung up on you a lot? If my ex raged, accused, taunted me over the phone I would say something like... I think we both need to talk nicely to each other, we both need that, this isn't helpful, etc... Which usually resulted in an increase in the rage... So I would say I'm going to end this call because it's not helpful to either of us (I'm no Saint... I often reacted with some anger myself)..... And I would hang up.....
5 seconds later my phone would ring, I'd answer ( I learned not to eventually) I would hear a brief rage or insult.. Then my partner would hang up....
In addition to avoiding the emotionally connecting conversation that's control as well.
All the best Sew, from a freezing UK ☀️☀️🙏
It means they have lost control of their capacity to keep shame away, and they are feeling shame. The anger is an attempt to project their shame onto the target and render them "all bad "so the narcissist can be "all good". I'm getting good at this... maybe I'll be able to survive Christmas lunch with my parents...!
Andrew you will!
Apply things you've learned here. Control you... Let them be as they are... I'm learning to "let go" and NOT react to anything hurtful, vindictive etc... Good luck Andrew. Let us all know how it goes!! ☀️☀️
I went no contact with both divorced parents because I am not a human punching bag.
I hope
Don’t trust your narcissist partner never ever ! She/he might claim changed but never changed they get worse! Stay healthy , calm , happy , proactive
Their anger means they are guilty of what you are accusing them of doing and don't want you to try to hold them accountable for it
The worst is when they try to de-motivate you with their anger.
Once on my first day at a new job I was called out of meeting to take a phone call where my now ex spouse proceeded to yell and swear at me because my two step kids 12 & 10 (his children) didn't know what to put in their lunch. (With a fully stocked fridge I might add!) I had to go back to the meeting acting as if nothing had happened ~ I knew my marriage was over ~ my independence was too much for him.
Mariel that's a helpful story which I'm sure will resonate with many here.
Your first day??!!
That's what we call pissing on your parade.
Are you now free of this nonsense?
Kind thoughts for you Mariel from us over here 🙏☀️☀️🙏
This is classic scenario that resonates so well with how they behave. They simply go nuts, get unhinged and worse they make sure you fell their rage fit. They cannot regulate their emotions and it will never, ever get better. Glad to know you made him an ex.
Omg. This hits my feels.
I know of a female colleague (empath). Who got a professional job. With two kids and day care issues, her Narc's anger quadrupled calling her at work to inform kids are sick pretty much everyday. As she managed to balance all the work family balance, and here comes the surprise Narc revenge; a third bay was conceived by "accident". and her ability to keep her job and independence is almost done now.
Talk about the calculated minds and relentless manipulation and ENVY of these toxic folks. Sad to watch what codependency mindset does to people. I am glad you figured out, after that phone call, that "yours" was over. All the best.
@@sturobertson6791 Hey Stu ~ still enjoying the afterglow of a happy Christmas dinner at my step-son's farm yesterday. My grand daughter is 12 and I must say pure joy to me.
Yes Stu my marriage is well & done and for the most part my life has taken a peaceful turn although there are always bumps along the journey.
Thank you Stu for your support the validation means a lot.
🙂☃🎄🎈🎁
The most confusing thing for me is this; you can see the narcissist is in pain, you love them, you want to show empathy and help. They hate it. This is where it gets crazy!
You are so right Deborah! It makes me so sad that my narcissist “ friend “ won’t accept help of any kind from me. He gets furious and lashes out telling me to mind my own business. This is after listening to him complain for hours about some unfair situation. My question is, do they ever find that special person who does say and do all of the right things? I thought I was that person😢 Another thought, if everyone eventually dumps them, for good reason, do they end up alone? I don’t want that for my friend. I actually wish he would meet that perfect person, it’s clearly not me. Sad….
When my partner was head butting things and I tried to calm him down, he would get worse and do it even more because I was the problem!
@@barbarakeady4382 YES, THERE ARE mILLIONS of those perfect people.. and every one of them would get burned like u
@@barbarakeady4382 She's been married to her new husband for 25 years straight! They want to find people who will validate them especially if they have a child living with them, or someone else they feel they have control over so when they get angry, they blame that person and then go back to their enabler.
@@TheDiamondEdge1 It's as if they actually *enjoy* being so upset.
Their anger is rage.
I wish this was taught in high school or college. It’s never talked about. Society wants you to think none of this ever exists. It’s absolutely nuts.
The anger also comes from their supply being cut off. When you’ve done everything for them and now need some help from them they can’t handle having to step up and be a man. They want you yo continue managing their life and they want you to work for them.
It's funny how dealing a Narc myself, was how that individual would always have an excuse for their ugly behavior... Never able to take responsibility for their actions and mistreatment to others...
Why would they be motivated to do that?
If they accept any responsibility that would make them accountable to change. That's something they are incapable of since they have weak attachments to people and their insecurity has them fiercely struggling to control everything around them including the wind!!!
Control = brief feeling of security = repetitive trips to the overbearing control well.
You are right excuses are protective defense mechanisms they employ so they don't have to change.
I told my last narcissist how I felt one time by saying, when you said XXX, I felt belittled. He said “I need to think about that to see if it true”. I proceeded saying that it is my feeling that is true to me, it has nothing to do with you. Since it was hurtful to me, I felt that you needed to know that so you would not say that to me again. He stormed out of the room. I did reach the point in the relationship where I had to leave for self preservation. Thank you for videos.
Their feelings are always valid. Yours are never valid.
My extremely jealous ex once said "What's the matter, are you afraid my suspicions might be true?" when I tried to keep him from confronting a customer from my work who he obsessively believed I slept with. As though I wouldn't know myself if it was true.
Its is like part of them is mentally retarded.
@@gogosylvia293 don’t forget the double standard. What they accuse you of is what they usually do themselves. But it’s allowed, but for them, not you.
My step mother was a screaming malevolent narcissist. I was about 5 and my sister was 1 year old when this creature showed up. Sadly my father married her. Our childhoods were hell on earth. Finally when I was away from them and living in my own apartment they paid me a visit. Step mother began her usual screaming and I stopped her. I told my father if he ever wanted to see me again he had to come by himself. He finally grew a pair and did just that. She used her anger to control everyone. The person she hated the most was herself. Tragic person…she spread misery to all around her. Holidays were the worst.
Explosive anger of a narcissist is a terrifying event. It comes out of nowhere and throws everyone surrounding the narcissist into immediate damage control. You don't know whether to look away or run away. And then the very next day the narcissist won't even remember the blow up they just had. Dealing with the effects of narcissistic anger is an art form like an acquired taste for music which one rarely if ever forgets. It always stays in your head.
ACCURATE
Yes!!! The next day... Or hour they act as if it never happened
I agree they won’t take ownership of the devastation they caused but try to shame the other people they victimized it’s crazy and feels like a deer in headlights you want to run but instead freeze! It’s very much about control. I believe what’s painful for us is the processing after we leave as to wtf happened it’s like been run over by an eighteen wheeler. Takes time to heal.
Oh they remember! They ignore it, hope you will ignore it, never apologize, never have a rational adult discussion about it, expect you to automatically forgive them & act as if nothing happened/business as usual. Usually they have previously intimidated & bullied you into fearing them & fearing to confront them - using fear to control you into submission.
@@jeanetteshawredden5643 Exactly. They DO remember what they've done, but they feel no remorse or regret about it - because they have no conscience. In my thinking and experience, it's legit to say to them, "I was really offended by what you said yesterday. And by all the other times you've been really ugly toward me. So, from now on you can either speak to me respectfully or you can NOT speak to me at all. That's my bottom line. MY choice, not yours." If they then erupt into more attacks, walk away. For good. Then enjoy the blessed silence thereafter!
If you stand up to the Narcissist at all, anger will be their go to reaction. I saw that of a relative who had recently moved back to our area. The first time I kind of laughed and shrugged it off. At first I thought it was her joking. Later I realized she had no sense of humor or perspective on her overreactions to people not agreeing with her. I pulled away entirely after that. It was just too exhausting being around her.
Smart move.
A narcissist's anger means one thing. Someone committed that most grievous, vicious, and unforgivable crime- by saying something bad about him/her that implied that he/she was less than perfect.
When they get angry they are trying to bully you onto submission.
True
I got the most anger when my (estranged, narcissistic) wife realized she couldn’t control me the way I obviously needed to be controlled.
You're not allowed to have any independent thoughts or make independent decisions or have independent friends. And you are certainly not allowed to go out on your motorcycle...
Glad I'm now out. Cheers Aaron 🙏☀️☀️🙏
Early in the relationship, she (seemed to have) loved my unpredictable nature: quick witty banter, romantic gestures and gifts, surprise visits and trips, etc. Yet that was the thing she squelched hardest as she grew past covert toward malignant. The humor HAD to stop; any gift that I would give HAD to be fully documented with To: and From: or she would assume it wasn't To her or From me (and even when it was, it was rejected, ignored, or simply discarded); and any trip where I did all the planning was refused because it wasn't approved (by her) in advance. She ended up teaching me how not to love her, while complaining that I didn't love her.
@@aaronkwolfe I can relate to this, in my own way, Aaron. Others have even tried to 'mirror' parts of my personality then attempted to cut me down to size!
I say 'attempted' coz in the end It Didn't Work 😁 Without banter I would die!!!
God bless your 'giggle pin' 👍🙏✌🤗
Yep 👍
@@sturobertson6791 …and I’m here to make sure you will not have independent anything. 😬🙄
Misery loves company!
ALSO they aren't introspective, it's about using rage to intimidate.
One of the narcissistic mindsets in my experience is something like, "you're intolerant for being intolerant to my intolerance to you." With logic like that, you ultimately take the blame.
Or... you are intolerant, because everyone has to be tolerant of you.
My 3 1/2 year old can now articulate when she is mad and sad. She often screams it, but I couldn't be more proud that she can label some of her big feelings. Narcissists, take note.
My narcissistic brother raged at me yesterday. He loves power and control and loves to drain my energy. He admits to it and is very proud
He's one incredibly insecure and unaware person. Steer clear.
I have experienced a narcissist who is so so proud of their manipulative skills and behaviour.
@@Heal..Restore..Moveforward yess that’s exactly how they are
@@sophies_poppin Thanks for replying. I feel for you dealing with your brothers behaviour. I think my sister was a narcissist..she passed away before I learnt about narcissistic personalities so just felt very confused, shocked and hurt by her behaviour. What a learning curve life is. UA-cam narcisstic education videos have been a great support to me and reading the comments is so so helpful....knowing others just get it is such a relief.
“ …. I haven’t gotten to that level of enlightenment yet and tomorrow isn’t looking any better”.
Dr Carter can be hilarious on a topic that certainly isn’t ! 😃😃🥳🥳🥳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Grew up engulfed in fear
Of how each parent was going to behave each day.
Anger was active everyday. Dad took his out, Mother took her anger out directly on me. Dad is deseased. Mother hasn't changed. God is my strength. Honestly, Iam so very tired. But His strength keeps me going. I have no friends now. No family for support. Being 62, disabled, taking care of my angry covert, martyrr complex, elderly disabled Mother, seriously with no one to talk with, it is very difficult. God is Love, God is Good, I believe. Sometimes I do not " feel"
loved ,at all, but Faith is what I go on.
If they get triggered by something, they interpret their anger as proof that you are not just inferior, but intolerable! The worst, most hurtful things I have heard have been "I know I can't change you" and, even worse, "I ask myself what I'm supposed to learn from having you in my life." You are a curse from God, and you exist just to torment them! But I have never heard them tell me what it is about me that they think should change! If they say "Take your shoes off when you come in" or "Don't throw the wet towels on the floor" or "Don't let the cat out", that's no problem at all. There's NOTHING you can actually address with these kind of people. They just get reactive and go into a rage or an episode of silent treatment, with no explanation. And since you are the person who is there, they attribute the problem to some fault in you. Makes you wonder when they stub their toe if they blame the chair!
Of course they blame the chair.
They break the dish and blame the dish.
I once tried to tell my "mother" about something we could come to a compromise on to mend the relationship that she said she wanted so badly, but wound up getting all enraged by something she said she wanted.
Dr. Carter, you have a talent for expressing a narcissist's thought patterns and rationalizations verbally! It's like you threw Wonder Woman's "Lasso of Truth" around them and forced them to state their "truth".
Wow, that s a right expression!
@@jnooyen9076 Like he's said before "....I've heard stories". I can just imagine after years of doing therapy.
It’s called being observant and articulate. You should try it sometime instead of resorting to silly metaphors.
Their arrested development is 🤯🤯🤯. But what’s unreal is that they are “mature” enough to scheme and manipulate as they do to other well-adjusted adults. A counterintuitive dichotomy indeed! ☯️ in the worst way. Thanks Dr. C, and the Gusmeister! You all have a beautiful weekend, and thanks for another video pearl 😇🙏🏼💫
scheming and manipulation dont require maturity. just the opposite actually. if there was maturity involved there would be no game. thats where we get it wrong - giving them more credit than they deserve. take them at face value because there's nothing else there.
@@skinnyway you are correct, Skinny! Not mature, but depraved?
This is why I don't agree to the "trauma" or the "learned" explanation behind NPD. If it was truly rooted in trauma, people generally seek help for trauma if they can. I think it has more so to do with genetics, and isn't something fabricated. I also think it's not true that it's learned either. Because if it's learned, I suspect more people of abusive narcissistic parents would turn out similar.
Gus is demonstrating how to "Gray Rock" when people go into a rage.
Means to get even by any means, it's disproportional and will be driven by a sense of entitlement, low self esteem, and a jolt of jealousy, it even stems from the false self that is either silenced or provoked without notice. It's usual when they do not get their needs met, like a drug addict withdrawal, then the blowtorch of narcissistic injury wants revenge. Take your closest exit out of there, not because you should be afraid, because it absolutely will make no sense to stick around, nor entertain someone that is losing his/or her marbles.
Very well put 👏 👍🙏
Oh dear. You just described my former friend. Her temper tantrum, screeching like a dying strangled pelican whenever she didn't get her way worked with everyone else. I was just one of the few that finally saw her for what she was: a lonely, bitter, middle-aged woman, with two kids she never wanted by two different men, unemployed, who's only joy was chainsmoking and drinking while her kids were at school and her husband worked his butt off to support her. There was no room for compromise with her or talking things out. I went no contact. I later found out from a mutual friend, whom I was fortunately able to wake up to how toxic she is, that she lost her mind and threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed a toddler. Mind you, by that point she was already the mother of two grown children, in her 50s and was a grandmother. I wish I could have seen her flip out. I'm sure it was quite the sight.
Thanks for reaffirming a tough decision I had to make on an instant exit from (with a former close friend of mine of 14 years. I just CAN'T keep going back to that seasonal UNPROVOKED literally seasonal explosion of anger this moron has against me and ONCE AGAIN pretend like nothing ever happened!)
@@AZDC99 No problem, chose wisely. Your time your life.
They get angry then it causes reactive causation then they use the reaction as a new angry session and it’s a cycle of doom
I think it means they're not getting away with whatever they're trying to do. That your not an easy game.
Best not to engage🙂
Mine just floated that he wanted to disappear for New Years to Florida and would that be okay? I said nothing. Which he interpreted as no. And I told him that’s right, no. You are right that they try to see what they can get away with and it’s all about themself. Awful. Thanksgiving was more like thankstaking and now this too. This is chronic behavior that never gets better because they have no introspection, social skills, social intelligence or emotional IQ.
They don’t grow.
The saddest outcome of being with a Narcissist, even when you get away, is that you've lost Dignity, Civility, Respect, Trust in anyone including yourself. You don't want to be vulnerable again. You start looking at people & trying to figure out what do they want? Or, here we go again! LOL
I use humor to get through, & it's not always the healthy way. I found out that Narcissistic people can't handle people who are happy, so, they make sure to chip away any happiness you have. This is pure cruelty. I'm away from the Narcissist who tormented me, but, still tied by obligation. This looms over you like a dark cloud. Each interaction with different people I meet, I see characteristics of Narcissism. I immediately go into defense by being quiet or, if its really in my face, then a not very nice person. I Look forward to interaction with decent well balanced individuals. Sadly, I don't meet very many. People who are authentic, able to freely be authentic. I feel I've bartered a lifetime of joy & healthy give & take for being highly independent & viewed as someone very hard to get to know. In a way I've always been a bit of a mystery, but after schooling by a Narcissist, good luck! I don't bounce back as easily as I did when I was younger. Health Issues are also a factor. Life is hard. Point Blank.
Blessings to all of you! 💯👍
Thank You Dr. C., hugs to Gus. Happy Holidays to all.☃️🎄
Thanks, Bonnie.
I've been there too. They really hate happy people, it reminds them of how miserable they truly are, it's hurts them. The only happy person in the room must be them or you must pretend to be "happy" along with them when they are happy FIRST and all the spotlight attention is shining upon them or else you get punished in ways that narcs know best.
Even though I now know what they are, for me the damage is already done from when I didn't know back then who I was truly dealing with. and yes, the trust issues are there, it's like I'm in instant survival mode as soon as I meet someone that made me feel even remotely the way the ex narc made me feel all those years ago, but long term that could cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety and paranoia which wouldn't be the most healthiest approach either but rather a more balanced one would. I've healed a bit but still have a long way to go, since I believe they have affected my physical health too (i.e gut problems, social anxiety, irritability, occasional sleeping problems, grinding from my own repressed anger for what they've done to me etc.) hope you are doing better than before and far better than the narcs you've unfortunately dealt with in the past.
@@narcicide8814
So sorry you have gone through so much. It will take a long time for me to get it out completely. I was born with genetic anxiety & had it pretty much under control until the full effects of the what the Narcissist did. I'm starting all over at ground zero. I'm sure this is part of the process, but, it stinks.
I 'm a pro @ 🚩🚩🚩 sight now 🙃. It's hard to be at peace, but, I keep the light shining. Bless You for sharing & we will make it!🙏
@@bonniehonchell9963 Thank you Bonnie, yes we can!
The anger comes out when they've realised they're wrong. It also comes out when you tell them to 'get back in your box'. I did. Not a pretty situation.🤣
I bet that wasn't pretty nor end well. Totally get it.
narcissists anger it’s a blaming, irresponsible cry of wounded adult child,who has no skills to cope. 0:00
You're on it, Fred.
Yep. That's what it is, and they feel like it benefit them. Instead of them acknowledging they need help and seeking it. It would be SO much better for themselves and everybody and everything connected to them.
I find it amazingly ironic that my wife sent me this video because she is trying to convince me that I am a narcissist.
What I’ve noticed over the last seven years is that my anger had progressed For a multitude of reasons, which I was not allowed to voice, which made me more angry and confused.
I would get to the point where I would try and explain something only to be shut down and Intern I would begin to see myself raising my voice louder and louder and screaming only two eventually be kicked out of the house and spend time with myself and my regrets and guilt.
This went on for a couple years, till I started to search out therapy and coping mechanisms, which have helped immensely!!
Now granted there are still very frustrating situations especially when I feel I’m blamed for literally anything that goes on under the sun but now I start to recognize that I’m getting angry and what I’ve learned is that I need to take a walk and calm down and reevaluate, and try and approach differently at a later time.
The unfortunate part with this is that now I am being blamed for running away, because real men don’t run away.
It doesn’t seem to matter how much self reflection or soul-searching I do to try and recognize the issues character flaws that I have it’s just not good enough.
And the last two years I have contemplated suicide, and when I brought it to her, my wife, it was off and she said that I needed to get on medication or talk to a therapist.
And helpless, and these days I find myself happiest when I’m alone in the cabin that we have on the property.
Sorry for the rant I just finally had to watch this video. PS I wrote this before watching the video.
I have a narcisstic angry female friend I've tried to be kind to over the past year. We've known each other via social media for years. We eventually begin to cultivate a closer relationship when she moved to my current state and about three hours from me. We started talking regularly via phone and texting. She fell into the habit of screaming and expelling her anger whenever we spoke on the phone. I was left feeling drained and physically ill as she exploded about her life problems onto me. Finally, I told her I couldn't deal with her anger anymore because it goes too far. Her angry outbursts had no direct correlations to me in any way. She wanted to vent and that left me feeling horrible! She finally stopped her explosive conversations when I threatened to end our relationship for good. She is now personally insulting me when we speak on the phone again. I took a couple months break from speaking to her and we met in person for lunch. She now puts me down for my physical appearance because she claims I'm too thin. I'm a vegetarian and she's a meat eater. She eats allot of meat and is overweight by at least 80 pounds. My BMI proves I'm fine and my doctors back that up. She recently told me I need to have my memory checked and she was serious. She claimed I didn't "remember" an event she recently attended in her community. I established she never told me about the event in the first place. She realized that was true after I pointed it out to her with proof. But before that, she said I am worst than her "stoner friends" from the past and I better have my memory checked now. She drinks too much and has black outs and s smokes weed. I don't drink or smoke. She's a p-issy person and it feels like she's jealous of me. I noticed she has no female friends to speak of in her life. She is married but seems abusive to her older husand. She acts like she knows everything about everything. I've decided to cut ties with her now for good. No more of her narcissistic shenanigans can I take. She is absolutely an angry narcissist, and how dare she put me down repeatedly when we speak. She claims to be very depressed and angry about that too. She receives state of the art newer treatment for her depression. Can't change a narcissist. She can take her angry self someplace else and leave me alone forever. I'm over it! 😒
Good morning everyone and Dr Carter..
what really blows me away is he'll be laughing one second and I mean he goes from 0 to 20 and less than a Split Second 🤬🤒😵😵 he's in a full-blown rage
Do they need a reason to rage?! Its ALL about control.
Yes they blame me for their emotional turmoil, exactly
They never think about themselves
You can’t reason with them or offer to resolve the issue. They are right- you are wrong- that is it! You see them in pain, want to help, but will not undermine your own boundaries. They want complete obedience. And what I see is what their parents want instilled in them. How sad.
I always ask "What are you so angry about?" Seems to shut them up for some reason.
Anger means they feel they are not in control. And, being in a constant state of anger means those who care about them are constantly shape-shifting, trying to keep them satisfied. However, the narc is hell bent on not being satisfied, because if they do they cease to be the center of attention and in control. I know of this firsthand.
The narcissists in my life say that I drive their anger because I am a stirrer and I deserve it, because I drove them to it.
Or if only you'd obey my rules that aren't clear, I wouldn't have to get angry.
@@anniebrowning7354 my late husband was tne narcississt AND the police. Ugh.
@@anniebrowning7354 and I am saying I've not found the police even after my husband was gone and I moved to New cities new police forces do anything with nar issusts u less they break the law, or show provable domestic violence. If they go to jail for financial malfeasance or attempted murder they are usually socio or psychopaths.
Snowbear! I really hope you're okey? I want you to know that today I found that comment you talked about. I think you know what I mean. It must be difficult but I do hope things are better. Understand you might be in pain. You know where to find me. I'm still here. 💜
@@anniebrowning7354 Thanks Annie I am glad you are still here.
Someone who has been in my Life for over 50 years cannot deal with her anger/rage at all since the need to ALWAYS be right is foremost - she immediately withdraws as she rages and then turns her ire into a deep need for emotional revenge! It's always a sad dance she does which makes her be even more isolated, which in turn, makes her even more bitter. Of course, it's all MY fault, lol. So she distances herself and anymore, since I am knocking on the door of 70 years old, I just see it as a waste of time in our relationship with the sad lack of so many good conversations that we will never have, while she fumes away, as Life can be shorter than one thinks.
We hear you Patricia. Think and focus on the healthy relationships you have with others... You are enough and you always have been. ☀️☀️🙏
I hope you said good bye.. NO CONTACT!
I walked away fm a narc 'friend' ..years ago. She STILL uses flying monkeys to let me know she still " cares" lol
It's particularly unsettling if not downright scary when it's a grown man who loses it at the drop of a hat. All these years I've worked at appeasing, keeping the peace. The one good thing from it is that although once a bit of a spitfire, I'm now in total control of my emotions. Unfortunately, it's walking on eggshells-induced control if ya know what I mean. And now, I haven't been taking the initiative to appease and I'm paying dearly for it: major silent treatment, contemptible looks. I wonder how this is all going to end this time. It's the worst it's been.😕
@susan - please leave, it won't get any better... ever. Walking on egg shells is not good for your health. Don't give him any positive comments or compliments, be as boring as you possibly can be, give short answers only - make him think it's his idea to divorce you. It's safer for you that way. Good luck.
thats me at the moment, realized we cant live together because of the bullying, belittling, blaming, name calling and was emotionally taking a toll. now Ive moved back in with my parents. when I take our 3 year old daughter to visit him. Im on eggshells as I dont want to say or do something that will trigger him and create an arguments things that shouldnt be an argument.. He's never has anything positive to say and doesnt pay anything towards her needs. thats what Im stuck dealing with for the rest of my life and I feel like a burden to my parents. 😥😥
You and your daughter will be o.k., Shelby!! You're half way there and the both of you will be very strong and wise human beings because of it!
Dear Susanna, the main thing here is you not betraying yourself anymore! You are not serving anyone by taking on a victim role. You can use your power and insights and leave! Wish you the best of life!
She went on a twenty minute very loud rant in our financial advisors office. She demanded I drive her home yelling at me for another twenty minutes. A few days later she said after she calmed down “ I can’t believe you just sat there calm and quiet while was yelling at you. “ I said nothing and she walked away. I didn’t even speak for fear of escalating the situation. I like to think I handled this episode well but man I flinch when she walks in the room because I don’t know what I’m going to get. It could be” let’s order a pizza “ or just as easily “I want a divorce.“ Sometimes I pray she would just stop talking.
You can’t meet a narcissist’s impossible standards because then you might feel good about yourself and challenge their control. You cannot redirect them to prosocial behaviours. You can cut to the chase, know what the behaviours look like and walk away fast. Saves you a ton of learning that leaves you feeling soiled that way.
And an 82 yr old toddler is not a pretty sight
…”I hate you.”
“I don’t want to hate myself but i do so i hate you also.”
In a twisted kind of way, what their anger really says is… “help.” But they can’t come right out and say that because then you might actually help them and that would make them look weak. They simply can’t afford to look weak. They can afford angry, but not weak.
Indeed ❣
Spot on, Kelly!
Your comment hits home for me. I saw the "I hate myself" many many times, usually in uncontrolled crying at 3 or 4am after she had spent an entire evening calling me 100 variations of a piece of sh**.
Even if I reached out to help her then..... I just got told to f off. They need help but push away anyone who tries 🙏☀️🙏
@@aaronkwolfe I assume that is a question for Stu! 😁
@@amandaliverpool3374 I thought @stampin had mentioned a relative or something. But I do think it opened in UK earlier. Did he see it? Maybe that's what I'm remembering, her saying something to him.
‘Tomorrow’s not lookin any better’
Exactly!
I was raised by an alcoholic grandiose narcissist. Then my dumb @$$ goes and marries a covert narcissist.
My mother, the GN, has said "I'm going to disappear and you'll never her from me again!" when I called her out on her nonsense.
I told her it was a little late to start doing me any favors.
I'm almost 50. It took this long to finally stand up to her and have solid boundaries in place. Makes it easier to deal with the ex when he pulls his CN stunts.
After 20+ years of marriage to this joker, I stopped protecting the image he portrayed to his parents. I told his mom about the lies he told them, the STD he brought home (I didn't get it), and more.
Getting others to see the narcissist like you do is impossible. The saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is applicable. You can show them the truth but you can't make them see it.
My 70yo Dad lost it with the guy who mowed the lawn (who had done something wrong, but, well, Dad's reaction was ridiculous). Dad rugby tackled the guy into a pile of manure. WTF.
What a jerk.
You are BETRAYING my AUTHORITY! That was all the anger I GOT!
I have always said this about my ex-husband -- he's 55 going on 5. In 30 years of marriage, he never grew up. And his rage? He is angry all the time. Because he's irritated, on edge, very uncomfortable under his own skin. It doesn't take much to get him exploding in fury. It could be the weather being too hot, or getting caught in a traffic snarl or someone overtaking him. He takes these as personal affronts to his ability. I would say it's due to him despising himself. That's why he is constantly jealous. For no reason he would pick a fight with a stranger just because that person is taller than him, or is as short as him. He hates short people because they remind him of himself. So glad he's out of my life forever.
It’s been 9 years since my mothers death. Not a day goes by that isn’t filled with a painful memory. I am thankful for this kind support.
❤❤❤sending healing love. Hope one day you can forgive her mental illness and find peace to let the painful memories go.
If they feel they were slighted in the smallest, my narcissist will absolutely rage on me. Doesn't care if if kids Are around. Very cruel
They are the biggest babies you'll ever have the misfortune of knowing.
I disagreed with my narcissist supervisor once during a phone call. Although I was not rude or inconsiderate, she just lost control! She literally began screaming at the top of her lungs, berating me, and ranting and raving on and on continuously, not allowing me to get a word in edgewise. I had no idea what to do because it was like dealing with a toddler's tantrum. After several minutes, I just lowered the volume, continued to listen on speaker while taking care of another task. I also stopped responding to her because she kept interrupting me. Finally, after about 15 minutes she kept saying my name and asking if I was still there. I responded in a calm voice and told her that I felt very uncomfortable, and that we should act like professionals, even when we disagree. I said, "I need to hang up now. Let's discuss this again at another time when we can have an actual conversation." She was speechless. Then she said in a soft, meek voice. "OK," She asked if she could call back a few hours later. I said, "No thank you." I think it's better if we wait until tomorrow. She actually agreed. Of course, her abusive behavior continued. Screaming taunting, teasing and mocking. She treated almost everyone this way, except HER supervisor. Resigning from that job was the best decision I've ever made!!
You make so much sense. And BTW, I'm glad you got away!
He was extremely angry, bored and rageful all the time. Ready to fight with everyone, everything, all the time. His muscles were always stiff, he was always on the edge. Especially when someone asks to do anything from him, he becomes the most annoyed person in the world. Always wants to be left alone, doing whatever he wants. As his girlfriend, i always had anxiety and hypervigilance with him. I had constant stomach aches and back and neck pain. After he discarded me all gone!! He was the heaviest burden ever. The time when he was abusing me horribly, i saw him in my dream when he was snoring beside me, that he is the Devil and he lifted me to the air and attempted to throw me away off the stairs. I woke up sweating and in a panic. I am sure he is the Devil. Possesed or something. God save us All.
Yesterday a guy I established a flirtatious friendship with for the past months erupted at me for putting everything together. I exposed him for the false stories he tells on a daily basis, and when I made he notice how he was the one always chasing after me and not the other way around he just started to throw insults like I've never seen before. I felt bad at first, but now I'm just sad for him...of course not as sad that I'd show empathy towards him, considering the nasty things he yelled at me 😅
Thanks for this video! it's the type of content I was looking for in this moment.
I lived all of this for 34 years! I Left him 4 blissful years ago but my bliss is interspersed with trips to court to keep him away because he hasn't had "the last say" yet. His anger seemed like it was a manipulation. I used to see his anger go from zero to 10 in an instant when he felt the need. And go from 10 to zero just as quick when it suited his need, leaving everyone around him shattered....especially me. At 77 years old I am living my best life!!
Oh my God. I thought I was the only one that went trough 34 years of the abuse.
It took me 10 years to get out. He licked me out of the checking acct so I could hire a lawyer!
They are in pain but they have an external locus of control, no matter how old they get. If they are in pain or emotional distress no one else is allowed to even suggest ways to empower them. This twinned with the fact that they invoke so much fear in others, (presumably to control people with fear/anger) renders any efforts to build bridges completely futile.
Gus is so cute and comfortable
"IMPATIENCE is the hand that removes the mask that reveals the shadow of a person."
~~ cc. 2000
Thank you for this Dr Carter. It's gotten to the point now of me observing the outburst with a detachment. One cannot expect to make sense of childish anger in adults so best to watch & wait for the tanty to finish. As they say, choose your battles as PEACE is better than being right...
Well said!
Yes, but mine loses it worse when I don't react. Tries another method of getting the reaction. When I don't I still get blamed for all the rage. Gray rock. Love it! At least I have my dignity at the end of it.
I found the anger was worse when my ex was rumbled (found out) usually for lieing, tho there were plenty rages if I dared to say anything nice about anybody else.
Looking forward to this. Thank you Dr. C
Definitely can see their pain
I used to say to my now ex, when you have a temper tantrum you wouldn’t look out of place wearing a big nappy and large dummy!!! Just a child who doesn’t like boundaries and can’t get there own way!!.🙄🤦♀️
They never tend to take responsibility of any kinds !!!!!
It's not simple anger. ...it's huge Bouts of RAGE .
Took me decades to realise what was happening.
Now trying to untie the bonds . For the first time ...am clear that I am now ready to move out of the toxic atmosphere.
I don't know how....but Yes ... Working towards it.
Your videos are really eye openers.
Helps immensely. Thank you so much.
With deep respect and gratitude.
⭐️ (Narcissist): “I’m going to make you take responsibility for what I feel…” mic drop Dr. Les! Your summation right there is the best way anyone (including you) has ever put it. Sounds simple but it’s so profound. Yes, they may go about it differently, but ultimately, their anger is our fault. (One of the ways I got that message was this quote: “Well if you hadn’t ____, then I wouldn’t be angry!” (Not true because she’d almost always find fault in me, one way or the other.) Thank you. I’m away from that person now. It’s not been easy, but it’s getting easier and healthier for me! 😊
It is exactly like that
They're not ok within
Have you ever had a narcissist scream bloody murder at you for something that has no basis in reality and then get pouty & ask you for a hug? WTF... 🙄
Yes! They are master manipulators.
It's crazy how they want to control everyone around them, pretend everything is all good, and then one person not going with the flow 🙋🏻♀️ makes them lose their minds. The look of desperation in my father in law's face was unlike anything I've ever seen. He could see that he lost his grip on me, not that he ever had it, I just gave him the illusion that he did because I was cordial but I knew his game way before he knew I did. I have always had a knack for sensing narcissists and have always kept them at a 10 ft pole's length away from me and he gave me the perfect excuse to keep him even further away from me.
This is on point ! 🎯 💯
Narcissist have absolutely no insight on their behavior or what they say
I remember the day when I realized I felt more like a mom than a wife towards my ex husband. His response to conflicting opinions was so child-like.
One I’m married to treats me like an maid . Employee.
Like he owns me .
Fire me .
I quit.
Whichever comes first .
Don’t care . Done . Tried of crying after I trust him to be let down again w him being mean .
He is in slient mode cause I did something again . He thinks he is punishing me - I’m like no . Never talk to me . Prepares
Me to live without you . Won’t miss you . Never had conversations unless bout him or sex
@@christiana1113 sadly, everyone in a narc’s life is considered an underling……..maid, employee, servant, etc. They order people around and when others don’t respond accordingly, the anger spews. It’s exhausting.
In my last living situation, I was the only one who would consistently call out the narcissist directly. One day it was completely necessary to do so in front of the rest of the people living there. This resulted in extreme anger that was, of course, completely disproportionate to the situation. I ended up having to move out secretly in the middle of the night. This was the only way to avoid more petty drama and God forbid, physical retaliation.
With my ex he not only had anger, rage issues but was a prolific lier and this was validated by his oldest daughter who’s also an attorney a few years younger than me. So I felt a lot better about my decision. When their loosing you or know the games up they resort to emotional/verbal abuse to sending expensive gifts, their behavior is weird ranging from predictable text book to scary unpredictable. Then when you don’t respond they start sending thirteen year old emoji’s no text or mature conversation! Then if they get no response they send long texts messages all about themselves with a small last line of “how are you?” Don’t respond and block. He had me feeling very unhappy physically I’ll, and I knew after catching him in huge financial lies, lying about how long he’d been divorced. You can’t trust someone who wants to marry you like that. It would only get worse after marriage. Very lucky I got away after 3 months!😅. Dodged a bullet. Further, he was retained to be my estate attorney!😮
My mom could throw bone cutting insults in the calmest of atmospheres without any expression on her face and a lot of the time she’d do it and on the car drives home I often felt pretty sure she insulted me, but the way she’d do it still left me wondering for days sometimes. I’ve been going through this since I was a very small child, so one would think I’d of let it roll off like water on a duck’s back, but when it’s a parent it’s very different. This person gave me life, so there was always that hope and prayer that she’d change. And maybe she will some day, but I’m no longer willing to leave myself open to the emotional abuse in the mean time.
I can empathise 💯 … sounds just like my mother. Like you say they brought us here but that doesn’t mean it’s their given right to abuse us; we’re human beings too.
Detachment gets easier each and every day!
Covert narcissists in particular. THEY LITERALLY PERSONIFY ANGER in particular passive aggressive anger.
I'm well aware I'm living with a 78 yo toddler.