I'm so incredibly grateful for all your perspectives and invitations to try new connecting techniques. What I commonly hear in your message sounds something like... always be the bigger person or always be the one to take the high road even when you feel your partner isn't. That gets exhausting and someone can become bitter and numb when this is the case.
Thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate you sharing what you are hearing in my message. That is not what I am actually wanting to express. What I am saying is that when we live in a victim mindset we become bitter and resentful. However, we live in a responsibility mindset and take 100% responsibility for the marriage we long for, we bring about our deepest desires. If I am feeling exhausted in my marriage, I am not taking responsibility.
Steps to replace complaining: (paraphrased) [Problem/Solution/Action] 1. Recognize what you don't want. 2. Get clear about what you DO want. 3. GET SPECIFIC to formulate a clear and detailed request. 4. MAKE THE REQUEST ie. "I notice I'm feeling a bit ______ regarding _____ and I'm needing ______. Would you be willing to_______?" 5. Is this doable for you? If not, what would work for you? 6. Carry out the new agreement. COMMUNICATION TIP: "I hear you. What is your request?"
I can understand the challenge JB. And what is the future coming toward both of you if you don't find a new way to communicate. Complaining hurts both of you and grows a lot of bitterness and resentment. How can you be honest and stand for loving both of you?
Thanks for this. I will not complain about my husband going forward. I'm so positive and optimistic with other areas, but my attitude towards him has been negative 😢
Do you have any suggestions for how to understand complaint vs observation? My husband watched this and is now constantly asking me “do you have a request?” because he hasn’t liked how I’ve expressed myself. Just now I said referring to my 4 year old, “I think he does that to regulate himself and having you imitate him is distracting.” Would you view this as a complaint? Asking sincerely. Thank you!
Wow Miranda this is such a great question. I apologize for my delayed response. When I look at what you said about your 4 year old, I hear what both you and your husband are seeing....both observation and complaint. I hear that you are observing what is happening for your little one and sharing what you sense is happening for him. The part about your husband, is your assessment about what you think your husband's choice is creating. If I can invite you to one small tweak, I think it could create life for both you and your husband...would you consider turning the last part of statement into a question? Like, "Can you tell me what you are wanting to accomplish when you imitate him?" Or "what are you hoping imitating him will produce for him? Is this helpful?
I'm so incredibly grateful for all your perspectives and invitations to try new connecting techniques. What I commonly hear in your message sounds something like... always be the bigger person or always be the one to take the high road even when you feel your partner isn't. That gets exhausting and someone can become bitter and numb when this is the case.
Thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate you sharing what you are hearing in my message. That is not what I am actually wanting to express. What I am saying is that when we live in a victim mindset we become bitter and resentful. However, we live in a responsibility mindset and take 100% responsibility for the marriage we long for, we bring about our deepest desires. If I am feeling exhausted in my marriage, I am not taking responsibility.
Steps to replace complaining: (paraphrased) [Problem/Solution/Action] 1. Recognize what you don't want. 2. Get clear about what you DO want. 3. GET SPECIFIC to formulate a clear and detailed request. 4. MAKE THE REQUEST ie. "I notice I'm feeling a bit ______ regarding _____ and I'm needing ______. Would you be willing to_______?" 5. Is this doable for you? If not, what would work for you? 6. Carry out the new agreement. COMMUNICATION TIP: "I hear you. What is your request?"
Yes, you got it! Thanks for sharing this recap of what you are taking out of this episode.
I wish my wife were open to hearing this. When i bring up excessive complaining she dosen't see any complaints.
I can understand the challenge JB. And what is the future coming toward both of you if you don't find a new way to communicate. Complaining hurts both of you and grows a lot of bitterness and resentment. How can you be honest and stand for loving both of you?
Thanks for this. I will not complain about my husband going forward. I'm so positive and optimistic with other areas, but my attitude towards him has been negative 😢
You are very welcome! Our complaints are a problem, the opportunity is to turn our complaints into a request. I hope that is helpful
Thank you for the tools Julia
You are so welcome Sheryl
Do you have any suggestions for how to understand complaint vs observation? My husband watched this and is now constantly asking me “do you have a request?” because he hasn’t liked how I’ve expressed myself. Just now I said referring to my 4 year old, “I think he does that to regulate himself and having you imitate him is distracting.” Would you view this as a complaint? Asking sincerely. Thank you!
Wow Miranda this is such a great question. I apologize for my delayed response. When I look at what you said about your 4 year old, I hear what both you and your husband are seeing....both observation and complaint. I hear that you are observing what is happening for your little one and sharing what you sense is happening for him. The part about your husband, is your assessment about what you think your husband's choice is creating. If I can invite you to one small tweak, I think it could create life for both you and your husband...would you consider turning the last part of statement into a question? Like, "Can you tell me what you are wanting to accomplish when you imitate him?" Or "what are you hoping imitating him will produce for him?
Is this helpful?
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