Emerson Eggerichs Gaslighting Abuse Victims in a Sermon Series
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- Опубліковано 26 лип 2024
- PROBLEMATIC TEACHINGS BEGIN AT 10:15 ROUGHLY. We show the caveats he gives, to be fair to him, in the first 10 minutes.
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In a 2-part sermon series from Houston's First Baptist Church in October of 2019, Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect, makes abuse victims the butt of jokes, and claims that all men are called abusive when they're just trying to be honorable. He also says that it is normal for a man to have to walk away to avoid losing it during a conflict with his wife--using body language that implies that he is trying not to be violent.
In doing so, it should be noted, he also misuses Gottman's research, claiming that 85% of men stonewall, when Gottman actually said that 85% of stonewallers are male (big difference).
Finally, he uses an example of a man attempting to strangle his wife as part of the Crazy Cycle, and does not label this abusive or warn that this needs police intervention (even though strangling someone is related to a 7-fold increase in the risk of being murdered).
In this video, we analyze clips, and ask that churches be more careful of what they are saying from the pulpit on Sunday mornings, recognizing that there will be victims of domestic abuse in the pews. These victims need help; they don't need to be told that they are simply misunderstanding their "honorable" spouses.
For a longer critique of this sermon series, please see this post:
tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2021...
For our Open Letter to Focus on the Family about the problems with Love & Respect, and Emerson Eggerichs' treatment of abuse, please see here:
tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2020...
For the entire sermon series, see:
• Love & Respect - Part 1
• Love & Respect - Part 2
We are entitled to use these clips based on fair use doctrine, since they are a small part of the original, and we are transforming them by adding so much commentary.
When I attended the conference with my husband his warning to us women that our sons will be accused of being narcissistic or abusive didn’t sway me because if my son’s mistreat their wife than why would I blindly support my sons. I expect my sons to behave with integrity, love and respect with their wife and family.
I noticed that on the "Love and Respect" website there are "0 Results" for the term "Narcissist" or "Narcissism". This is disturbing.
He says his advice is for people of good will, but he doesn’t seem to understand abuse. Most abusers think they are of good will. They don’t “beat the kids”. They discipline consistently. They don’t “betray their wife”. They have a “moment of weakness.” And if the wife brings it up she is “unforgiving”.
It’s not always black and white. Often it’s not CPS level abuse, but a general harshness. There are areas where communication is necessary. But she is here at told to submit unless it’s CPS level abuse
this is very familiar to me - he says he's not hitting me, or betraying me. He was "stupid" when he yelled at me, called me names, and when I bring that up, I'm unforgiving hypocrite and a pharisee.
Thanks Sheila for your bold and honest approach to these very emotive issues. I give you a quote from Corrie ten boom to encourage you. "If we are to better the future, we must disturb the present." Don't be cowed. There are thousands to whom you are giving a voice.
Watching this was so healing for me. I was in an abusive marriage and went to a love and respect seminar and felt terrible for ever thinking I was being abused and apologized to a spouse who had abused me and my children, physically, emotionally and many other ways. The pastor at this church didn’t believe me what was happening even after giving very descriptive examples and told me I would destroy my family if I held him accountable and separated. I’ve since learned that about 20% of women, live in some type of domestic abuse and that includes within the church. The love and respect teaching is very toxic and it’s hard to find a safe place in the church. Thank you for speaking up and taking the arrows!
EE is one reason I’m divorced. And another reason why I can’t go to church. He scares me. Church men, to me, are dangerous. From pastor, elder and friend. There are thousands of women like me. Thank you for sharing this video.
I'm so sorry. I know so many women who have the same reaction to his body language and tone. And I'm sorry his book had such a bad effect on your marriage. Know you're not alone.
@@SheilaWrayGregoire I also sat under a “pastor “ ordained at the master’s seminary. I was told I had a bad attitude and his wife told me I needed to repent. That’s what you get for asking for help with a high conflict marriage. Another book was “Relationships A Mess Worth Making “ by Tripp and Lane. I wanted to scream. It never touched on abuse. Thank you for sharing your information. I’m grateful. T
He seems damaged to me....and maybe was not taught to speak the language of feelings very well, if at all. With an abusive father, which probably set the emotional tone for the household, and a "shut down" mother, seems possible.
The pastors at my churches kneel in front of the congregation when they pray....still trying to find a place where I feel comfortable, where God is leading me/us. All the best to you.....
Twisted thinking sad..
Your problem is you put your focus and source of solution on people. Put your eyes on Christ, then you find solution. Jesus is the answer!
I find that echrich is acting out of
his experience & what was modeled to him, because his dad was abusive to his mother. Much more to that story. I was in an abusive marriage 46yrs, my husband & I landed in his workshop, definitely not beneficial for me, gave my husband more ammunition, but I didn't know it at the time. I hate his caricature of the woman following her man to talk at him when he
leaves. How about the man that wants to talk at 11pm...demands...threatens etc. Echrich sounds like there is a disdain for women at the root. My husband & I were at a conference & i got the message to try harder to love etc. I was made to believe I was the problem. Escaped a yr a 1/2 ago, God made a way out for me.
I went to hear him in person at a church a couple years ago. I recall not feeling very comfortable and couldn’t put my finger on it then. Now I understand from the perspective of where my life is now....
Can we talk about the part where he claims that women who are upset and look “crazy” (as implied by his pantomime) have a “normal” heart rate? It’s around 15:19, I can tell you if I’m that upset my heart rate is absolutely not normal and I do not “calm down” immediately.
It sounded like he was saying women just act like they are upset in order to manipulate the situation. But men are really feeling fragile.
As a human walking in the earth I’m just gonna call this a lie. But the other thing that bothers me is how he thinks all men are exactly the same and all women are exactly the same.
I think we need to come alongside women who have been abused and teach what is right, and I want to encourage you Sheila to continue to proclaim what is truth always no matter what don’t give up the fight.
His blatant disrespect and minimization of abuse made me feel so sorry for the courageous women who boldly told him about the horrific abuse they've endured at their husbands. Especially when he considers himself to be a Christian marriage expert with his books. The audacity he has in regards to what he believes to be right also makes my skin crawl. 😣
Sheila, continue to speak about this don’t ever be silent on issues that God is leading you to speak. It’s better to speak now, then to be silent no matter what anyone says you’re the best in the world and I love having biblical stuff especially regarding sex and marriage
People need to talk about things that is wrong with people who try to indoctrinate people with false doctrines
1 in 4. The current statistics say ONE in FOUR people has lived or is living under domestic abuse. TWENTY FIVE PERCENT of ANY audience is going to hear what EE said and question their reality, at the risk of their very lives. I am 1 in 4, and I did exactly that. By the grace of God, I survived.
If there is NO respect and honesty in the relationship, there is no love. So to say that she must respect him so he can "love" her, is so lopsided. Respect and honesty needs to come from both him AND her, this SHOWS the love they have for one another. How else can the two be "in love"? Love is dependent upon honesty and respect. Period. Ex was terribly disrespectful, and dishonest, but demanded "obedience" and "submission", his definitions, not the Bible's.
I've never read his book or watched his sermons, but what stands out to me is that he goes to great lengths to defend the men while failing to do the same for women
THANK YOU for calling out his level of spiritual abuse - having lived in an abusive, destructive marriage I agree that some of his teachings and writings ARE RECKLESS and DO NOT match the Bible’s clear teachings. Jesus called these men oppressors … Christian women have been failed tremendously by spiritual leaders who are wrong and lack wisdom and or experience in dealing with abusive relationships.
Listening to this and how wives are supposed to unilaterally respect their husbands and then their husbands will show them love. I have to ask the question, "isn't marriage supposed to represent Christ's love for the church? "That's right God wants us totally to respect him and then he'll start loving us! Oh wait!that isn't the way they teach it in the Bible. Romans States while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.
Also worthy to note that 99 bpm is actually within normal limits. 60-99 is a normal heart rate. So. There's that.
EE most definitely was showing aggressive body language in talking about why he should walk away. We can't assume his words, but body language says so much about what he thinks would happen if the man stayed to talk in that heated moment. That is scary.
Emerson's teaching are so "unloving" to women. It is "unloving" to minimize their pain.
I thought he was very clear, and the message I got was that his message was for a healthy couple that had normal communication issues. He was not at all excusing or even addressing abusive situations.
that's not very obvious to abusers. abusers want their victim to believe what he is doing to her is normal. If it is for healthy couple, why not use normal examples - why use examples like his dad choking his mother - that is clearly domestic violence. He seems to cross the boundaries of normal marriage by throwing in such examples and making them seem normal - using his body language to minimize abnormal behavior of the husband and invalidating the reactions of the wife. please think outside your box. Thank you.
And I am a female and my bf was and is a Covert Narcissist and emotionally and psychologically abused me. Covert Narcissist's never admit fault or take responsibility for their evil, wicked sinful abuse/actions. I have physical proof of what my ex-narc has done. He also physically abused me.
I found his demeanour and body language disturbing. The fact that he would actively work to crush opposition through having negative comments taken down tells me something about his relationship to power. His use of mocking sarcasm is also deeply concerning and not a trait I respect in a “godly” man. Bullies use that tone to include others in their takedown of victims. Incidentally - disdain (which I believe he is exhibiting - is one of Gorman’s predictors of marital breakdown.
Did anyone else find his description of bro relationships (between male friends) disturbing? He says they get so heated, almost to the point of almost physical altercations. They then require an allegedly "honourable" action of retreating to calm down.
It's a description of Bro conflicts. I am a Bro... And he is right about that.
@@kelzreallife8293Er........yes, I believe that Jordan Petersen said something similar.
@@kelzreallife8293I believe that Jordan Petersen has said something similar.
YOUR SON WILL BE CALLED ABUSIVE AS HE WALKS AWAY TO CALM DOWN? He's just setting up everyone to dismiss the wife's claims of abuse. Poor, poor beleaguered husband with the shrew for a wife. This is soooo misogynist. And it's so HOSTILE toward women. Sick, sick, sick.
That ending was spectacular, looool!
he. is also confusing honor with pride & ego
THIS!!
I truly cannot stand that man or his book. Horrible book. He only condemns women and justifies men’s bullshit.
At 28min he says something like “does the wife FEEL unloved…or has the man BEEN disrespected” 😳
Interesting point. Women are such emotional creatures you just can't trust them.
Good point!
This man is sick! I pity his wife
I had to pause the video when EE talks about men who are upset and their heartrate is 99. I'll be honest that doesn't seem that high, but maybe because I am an abuse victim and have tons of adrenaline and cortisol pumping through me for years so 99 is nothing when I am upset. And what is considered "normal" for a woman. I have learned a lot about how stress effects the body and he seems to not have a clue.
How can people on UA-cam get by with way worse than saying your opinion on an author?
I know. I wonder that too!
Is this guy a pastor? This is sick. He actually says women don't get high heart rates and feel dishonored! Men I have known don't withdraw out of honor they get loud and scary.
Oh, those female trolls on that new-fangled internet-thingy! 🤣 Emerson must be chatting with John Piper.
John Piper also neglected the development of his own son Abraham when he was a child, by putting his own ministry and name recognition ahead of his first ministry; his family.
As a consequence, Abraham Piper is unfortunately an atheist on social media, because of the way John Piper represented Jesus to him. And yet, John Piper chooses not to step down from the pulpit.
@@nathankinman7753 You're absolutely right
Good listen....
EE does NOT like women.
1/2 of the church doesn’t like women.
@@tprada8982 including many other women 😓
@@ViolAM3 I thought to say that. It’s so true. The women turned against as quickly as the church men. Thank you for stating this.
My thoughts exactly....still an unrecovered little boy of domestic violence.....can only imagine what happened to him in military school.....probably all his mother's fault because she separated from the marriage to be able to keep breathing....
I kinda wanna read Love & Respect to see how bad it is. I've heard people say that it's a very misogynistic take on marriage & relationships.
Did you see he released a Love and Respect devotional? Amazon "recommended" it, saying it was a new release.
The whole walk away thing is just poor anger management and self control issues. It's being a baby emotionally.
Yes, so walking away would seem better than screaming and yelling back wouldn’t it? Walking away is a form of self control. Sometimes it’s just the better option. Especially if you grew up in a home where your parents were constantly screaming at each other. And you never learned until adulthood, how to regulate your emotions. Walking away isn’t wrong.
So he spoke 2 conferences on his ideas or a very specific biblical vs...correct? Can you defend from scripture (Holy Bible) where he's wrong? You seem to be attacking the "social" aspect....fine? I'm still reading scripture as a basis and see void legit abuse or sexual immortal acts EE would be correct. Plus you're making claims 3 yrs later...did you just jump on a band wagon?
Honest questions and I'll entertain honest answers on enlightenment.
Can you guys do content with the rightway then According to the word of God
I don’t understand if you said in the beginning (and played his video) saying he ISNT speaking to abuse victims or those in abusive relationships, yet you get upset when he didn’t address every single abuse case and situation. Can you help me understand?
It's quite simple, Jessica. He says he's not addressing abuse, but then he explains situations that are abusive, and says that anyone who is being accused of abuse is actually simply misunderstood and is really being honorable. You can't say "this doesn't apply to abuse" but then talk about abusive situations. (And his dad strangling his mom was definitely abusive; it was not merely part of the "Crazy Cycle.")
It appears all here have taken this topic teach of his out context.Now if a man loves Christ and his his wife he wont be abusive !!
Dont skip over the foundational teaching of biblical principles.
Never has he sd its ok to for women to be door mats orv punching bags ,mentally or emotionally ab abused or mistreated !
Truly sad how this was so twisted in your eyes of analysis 😢
But what if a man is abusive? Then what? Emerson Eggerichs is basically denying this happens, and telling women if you think he's abusive, he's not. You aren't addressing what Eggerichs actually said, and that's a big part of the problem. You're all thinking about the best case scenario instead of looking at what is actually happening, and the effects of his real words on real people.
@@SheilaWrayGregoireThere are some who will use his books as an excuse to be abusive.
I saw one man (at a MAGA type conference) mention his book as a way to introduce their wives/gf to the idea of BDSM.
These reviews miss the forest for the trees. They lose the deeper truths of what he is saying by looking anecdotally at themselves.
This isn’t meant disrespectful at all, but does Connor have Tourette’s? Just wondering.
Yes, he has a mild form of it.
@@SheilaWrayGregoire thank you. I’ve watched this video multiple times because I’m sharing it with multiple people who are reading this book 🙄 and I’ve just started to notice it. I have a good friend who has it severely.
Have you watched/attended his entire marriage workshop? You are taking everything entirely out of context!
I’ve watched an entire workshop and also have read an outlines the book. It’s so unbiblical.
He is a HYPOCRITE!!!!!!!
Emerson is one of the best speakers out there. Changed a lot of peoples lives for the best!
I think where this gets tricky is he's not able to address every issue in marriage. He's not dealing with every issue. This isn't total marriage counseling and dealing with everything. Take what he's saying, which is biblical. Please are judging him not on what he's saying but what they feel he's not addressing. He's making it clear in what context he's coming from. If your wondering about abuse, seek out a different teaching
No one "wonders about abuse"! geez!!! People survive abuse or lives are lost due to abuse.
What Sheila is doing is brave and she's helping abused women find a voice! there is no abuse without the abuser. The truth is - this book is enabling abusive men. No man who is abusive will come out and say, "this book doesn't apply for me".
This book is being 'prescribed' to Christian couples, as a cookie-cutter marriage-guide. Most men are quoting this book and using it to minimize the wife's legitimate reactions, feelings in response to his abusive behavior - while the abusive man uses EE's teaching to justify his abusive behavior. No man who is abusive will come out and say, "this book doesn't apply for me". instead uses it and the misquoted scriptures, examples as a weapon.
Me and my husband were asked to read this book, so we can learn to avoid the "crazy cycle". He is using that book to make my life a hell. Do you suggest I find a different teaching?? Is it my fault that he is abusing me??? And only I need to seek out different teaching? How is your advice going to help me?
Thank you
It seems you like to paint everything in the worst light and like to read things into the message based on speculation. He never said anything about physical abuse. I'm not a supporter of his but this is a outsider looking in.
I've stonewalled before but it wasn't because I thought I was going hit my wife. It was because I felt my opinion didn't matter because I was a man. That if I voice my displeasure about not having sex for two months I'm somehow a narcissist. I didn't feel like having the same argument. I'm past that now with my wife and don't have that problem anymore.
I've been watching this because I want to know the other sides of the arguments. It helps me see the issues of going to far in a complimentary or egalitarian view of relationships.
I've been watching several videos on this channel and I've noticed mocking of complimentary views, lumping all complimentary christians in the same light and holding men to higher standards (I like that one) but not mentioning or defining what standard women should be held to. I haven't seen a video calling out any women who are toxic or abusive. I saw a modesty video about being mad about a church telling a woman about dressing modest because men have lustful eyes or something. I agree that churches can go to far but the video never addresses whether women should dress modest and to what standard is modest. I've had a woman at church whip out her boob to breast feed without covering in front of me repeatedly and told my wife that it's completely natural and that if a man gets uncomfortable, then that's his problem.
Matthew 12:36-37
EE IS A GOOD MAN, who gives reverence to the Lord. He has helped many marriages. He isn’t an advocate for abuse.
I have walked through physical abuse and healing from my marriage and this teaching has never justified or said staying in abuse is ok. In fact, if you reviewed his teaching more thoroughly, there is another sermon where he reads a letter, how a man wrote to him who had thrown a dish at his wife and cut her face. His wife immediately called the police. He went to jail for two weeks and sat in jail cell thinking about what he had done. He received revelation from EE’s teaching and how it was impacting his life, and most importantly, what he had done to his wife. This was a game changer. The wife didn’t become a door mat. She gained revelation from EE’s teaching, and it was a saving grace for their marriage. Please don’t pass judgement so swiftly through short clips when you have not taken the time to look at his teaching holistically to know who this man truly is.
Have you sat with this man face to face asking him to explain your concerns? Because I guarantee it would not be your assumptions. You cannot pass judgement on a person through perceived offenses or accusations.
EE, if you’ve seen this, please don’t let this discourage you. You are an amazing Pastor that has helped so many marriages find ways to heal and reconcile , including mine.
You seem to not understand the definition of gossip. This is not gossip. This is us analyzing in detail a sermon series that he gave. We analyzed it in context, and we used clips of him talking to show that we were not merely "gossiping." Critique is not gossiping, otherwise Paul would have been gossiping about Peter when he chastised him. I'm glad you were helped by Eggerichs' work, but i hope you can listen to these clips and see that what he is saying is harmful. Can you please tell me when it's okay to say that strangulation is part of the crazy cycle, for instance?
All you guys did was cherry pick what Emerson was saying. You guys are way off
That's called "quoting."
A summary of this video:
A feminist woman attacking a biblical sermon. Typical feminist behavior to attack anything that suppresses this newly, half-adapted culture of feminism. A few more tell-tale signs of this behavior: over-stating an argument. explaining terms or concepts, that are common knowledge, to make sure their audience doesn’t think for themselves. Amplifying a point that is either out of context or somewhat out of context. All of this is to ensure their voice gets heard about these culture-born concepts.
There are two other men in this video, why don't you talk about them too?
An angry dude afraid of losing power.
There’s nothing biblical about that sermon…
Tear down is your goal. I could tear down your video so easily. The people who follow you are looking to tear down people.
Tearing down false teaching? Paul did that too. Called out Peter to his face.
I read Love and Respect. It’s garbage. It’s advice is what messed up communication in my marriage
@@jeanniemiller5774 It is really ugly and NOT christ-like to attack anyone or mock them as this video did. It s far worse than any small error in love and respect teachings. I can make a video of the examples if you want?
@@HEMPPASTE wrong teaching HAS to be called out publicly. Love and Respect enabled abuse to flourish in my best friends marriage. If you’re more concerned about this guy getting attacked than you are about the women and children L and R had harmed, you’re part of the problem.
He’s heard the stories of women being abused as a result in his book. But doubled down on the message that if a woman is not showing him enough respect, anything he does is her fault.
Why you would have respect for a guy who cannot be bothered to pick a wet towel off the bed and instead tells his wife he didn’t miss her because she would have asked him about that is beyond me. That’s a child, not a man
If it’s so easy for you to tear this video down, prove it.
@@zsoccerfreak Its about my time. I would have make a video. I am thinking most people can see the ugly without my help.
It is obvious that you took part of a two part sermon and limited to what he stated about respect. His book and the other video discuss Love and the role of a husband to love correctly. Thus the title LOVE and RESPECT.
It is both man and woman accepting the needs of their partner. Most therapy and counseling focuses on Love only and do not acknowledge that most men are yearning for respect of self just as woman are yearning for love. You selected only what serves your position.
Eh my husband and I read the book. The book was aimed at mostly women. My husband didn’t feel like he learned anything, but the way he talked to women was so condescending in the book.
I believe that you are the problem. EE is a great teacher. We need strong men and great women. That is ultimately what he is teaching. I'm really disappointed in the BETAfied version of manhood that you are purporting.
Haha a great teacher isn’t afraid of confrontation. Or being questioned. EE has been a baby about this.
I read L&R. His advice is what messed up communication in my marriage and left resentment because EE discourages women telling husbands how they feel about stuff. I carried a lot of anger towards my husband because his needs were getting met and I was supposed to just shut up and put out.
That’s not healthy. And I’m thankful my husband was not raised in church because when I told him what was going on, he was horrified that he didn’t know sooner. When I told him why I hadn’t shared my heart with him, he was upset. My sons will learn to love AND respect their wives.
@@jeanniemiller5774 #Respect Thank you for your gracious response. I just see it a little differently. As a male, I feel the tide of the current culture is making it so hard for men to stand for what is Biblical and right.....and ultimately making it difficult to lead. I appreciate EE b/c he seems to be balanced in his advocacy for husbands and wives.
@@redeemedmedia2462 hey there! L&R is mostly aimed at women.
I would encourage you to read Sheila’s open letter to Focus on the Family about Love and Respect. Sadly, stories like mine aren’t uncommon. There are also many stories of women being abused due to the whole unconditional respect or whatever….including my best friend. Read the stories. Read mine again. We matter. EE doesn’t seem to think we do.
I’m all for men of God standing up for what is biblical and right. But L&R silences women and tells them their husbands poor behavior is their fault instead of having each spouse take responsibility for their actions.
I would also recommend the book Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk. It’s a healthy alternative to L&R, and is a biblical approach to any relationship; not just marriage.
I hope you are having a good week!!
@@redeemedmedia2462EE does not stand for a balanced advocacy for husbands and wives. His COUPLE framework for men is literally just the basic relating skills that anyone should have in a relationship. But, his CHAIRS framework for women is advocating that women-and only women-must go beyond providing the bare minimum expected of men and literally put their husbands on a pedestal. Of course EE’s rules would make men happy. Anyone would be happy to receive preferential treatment and be venerated as ruler of the home and sole decision maker. Most people enjoy getting their own way. That’s not just a man thing-that’s a human thing. EE repeatedly mischaracterized Dr. Gottman’s marriage research, which NEVER found that men need respect more than women do. Gottman found that healthy, long-term marriages include love and respect for BOTH spouses. Finally, Gottman found that unequal relationships with power differentials-the marriage model that EE promotes-lead to much lower satisfaction for women and much more likely to end in divorce. In short, yes, EE is great at tricking women into sacrificing their own happiness and personal sovereignty for the sake of providing unconditional veneration for husbands. But, what EE fails to mention is that no research actually supports that model as healthy for both spouses-and that it is often highly destructive to women.