Nothing's stopping any of us from standing up for ourselves by doing some villainy. Steal from Walmart, punch a billionaire, sabotage an oil pipeline, do things that are technically braking the law but are ultimately for your own well-being.
If it's okay with everyone, this year I'm entering my villain era by no longer people pleasing. I'm really sorry for the inconvenience and obviously if you guys don't want me to, I won't - it's really no big deal. I'm so sorry for existing and please have a great day!
when I hear “villain era” I think I get the idea of someone who’s been chronically mistreated by the world. and then one day, they decided they are self-identifying as a bad person, period. it’s like if you’ve not only accepted but take pride in the fact that “you’re a bad person” (or that society will always hate you for one reason or another), it really feels like no one’s gendered expectations can affect you anymore (tho this applies to all kinds of people, not just afab’s). it’s strangely freeing
in my experience it was really casting off the fear i had about not being seen as a good person. i know, and my loved ones know i'm a good person; i don't need to be nice or accommodating to others, or rather i don't need to make myself small and make my needs unheard, for the sake of wanting to be perceived as a 'good' person, but that's my own personal understanding based on my experiences
yep yep yep hard agree. my personal "villain era" is me self-identifying as a "villain" bc ppl have called me that, and the world will always see me as some sort of outsider, i've been mocked for being different so why not be proud of it? ironically it's typical villain origin story stuff. plus many people associate villainy (whether irl or in fiction) with gay ppl, communists, alternative styles, etc which i am all of the above so many ppl irl will think im a bad person for that alone
You phrased it better than i could. It makes me uneasy. We are hitting a point in history where we as a society are more accepting cruelty. Like when I think of villain arc I think about my former friend who decided he did not really get anything out of being nice and kind of turned. He eventually kicked my dog because she was "being annoying" and this ended the friendship.
THIS!!! i was treated as an outcast my entire life and when i finally gave/fell into being the outcast, it was actually very freeing. i’ve never been happier edit: also in this same coin of becoming an “outcast” i realized i was never really an outcast at all- people were just afraid of younger me’s authenticity and bullied me into hiding it and being ashamed of it. i now have people who love and support me for me, and i for them.
I guess I started my “villain era” in 2018 and never stopped because I will never be a people pleaser ever again. Having healthy boundaries and equality in all relationships is so important. If that makes us villains, then so be it.
I just don't care about some things other people think is _really_ important, when there're far bigger fish to fry. Also, yeah, I've got a slight demon streak.
Yup!!! Just started mine, had to cut off a friend who demanded I apologise for saying p3d0s should r0blox themselves. I refused so they told my partner I'm toxic and need therapy 🤣 it's a very personal topic to me so they had to go bye bye 👋
I'm autistic & unmasking while setting boundaries, for me, feels like taking something compulsive and inflexible (masking is compulsive "camoflauging"), and being more selective with it. So basically replacing the mask w/ privacy where I want it regarding info about myself, choosing which emotions i share outwardly & with whom i share them, which emotions i filter through intellect (tell but not show), and practicing different ways of letting ppl know how much or how little I want to do something/participate. It's really hard, but a compulsive "substitute" for boundaries, like masking, is survival mode stuff. Allowing myself to choose my privacy, emotional expression, consent, etc, is so much better even if it's scary bc i haven't done it in awhile. The mask is just unsustainable, so being courageous (acting despite fear) is worth it.
The masking part. I'm still trying to over come that because I feel like I'm inconveniencing ppl or being obnoxious when I'm myself still so I'm trying my hardest to be myself and not someone else who's more "acceptable"
My villain era began when my mom sided with my brother when I snapped and revealed his constant and inappropriate harassment I'd been going through since I was 8, I moved out a month later and I've never looked back
I wasn't aware of this trend, but I think I love it. There's this inner dialogue where I'll have a need but tell myself "if I did that, I'd be a bad person". What better response to that voice than "So be it".
I went through my "villian era" when I was like 16. Getting therapy for an eating disorder made me realize that I wasn't exactly a people pleaser, but someone who was pleasing their eating disorder instead. Now that I'm 30, I cut out a looooot of people in my life that just plain sucked. And after I broke up with my abusive ex? He had no idea what to do with me once I had enough.
this isn't really a "villain era" thing, but one of the things that i've been taught about setting boundaries is that it's really unhelpful (for me) to think of them as walls that i put up simply to benefit my own needs. i much prefer thinking of my boundaries as a roadmap, a way people can safely navigate me without accidentally driving off the cliff of my trauma triggers, or roll over my pretty private gardens. people don't exactly want to trigger me or invade on my spaces, they generally just want to earnestly be my friend, so by clearly laying out where those spaces lie i'm also doing THEM a favour by not putting them in a position where they have to deal with me being hurt by something they didn't realise would hurt me. there's definitely a sense of vulnerability around telling people where your boundaries are, because it can also sometimes feel like you're saying "if you want to hurt me, here's where you go" - but if my friends had trauma triggers or private spaces they didn't want me going into, i know i would want to know so i could respect those spaces. other people deserve the same opportunity to make me feel respected too.
this is such a wonderful way of describing it! and there's a complementary thing that happens to me, where it's so important for me (and I feel safe) for people to clearly state their boundaries around me, because I want to be gentle and caring with them and not triggering them, and I want them to feel safe too!
I hadn't heard of this phenomenon before, but I guess I entered my villain era in 2019. It cost me four friendships (out of six), which kind of proved in my eyes that not people-pleasing does indeed lead to people not wanting you anymore. Anyway, I've never actually missed those four friends for even a second, and it opened the door for me to make new, much better friends. I don't think I'll ever fully overcome my struggles with friendships, but I''ve come to notice that I'd rather struggle over people that don't make me feel like shit.
When I was a kid I people pleased and all it got me was "friends" who treated me like crap and constantly put me down. Surprisingly being in an abusive relationship taught me not to people please. I tried to please him but then his demands became impossible so I just got the attitude of screw you im gonna do it anyways and if you have a problem you can leave.
going from people pleasing all your life to not will lead to you losing people who only wanted you BECAUSE you were a people pleaser, and thats why not doing it anymore makes them leave, but those people arent worth your time or energy! finding new, better people who care about you for YOU is so important and its great to hear you have!!
thank you for bringing up the fact that some people are possibly going to permanently have misconceptions of you / won't necessarily have all the context that would justify your actions to them. it's really important and something that I have struggled to accept for a looooonnnng time
My villain origin story started 4 years ago when I worked for the most homophobic and transphobic workplace I have ever experienced. Slowly since then I've been saying no much more often and refusing to accept that treatment. Personally, I'm a huge advocate for the villain arc fellow chronic people pleasers are going through.
okay if you remember and were on tumblr, there was a viral gif that went around the 'think murder' and this 100% has helped me navigate the world. I'm not kidding, my first partner commented on how I walked (and i had been applying the 'murder' or at least now just walked more confidently now) and how in awe it made them. I'm also emotionally sensitive af, thx autism, and even if I got tears running down my face(despite being able to articulate just fine, tho people rarely believe that), walking with confidence helps- and changes how people then interact with you. (if you don't know it was a gif of Charlize Theron, who was teaching how to walk confidently as a woman. Her advice was basically, stand up straight and think 'I'm going to murder someone, no one can get in my way'. and let me tell you IT IMMEDIATELY effects how you walk lol.) (on further research you can find it by searching 'how to walk like a queen')
I remember that post, and I also always "think murder" when walking down the street or speaking to irritating people, because life is too short to allow people to bother me.
I'm also autistic and cry a lot so this may help: whenever I cry and can still articulate the world, no matter people's reactions, I remember the anime main character Devil Man Cry Baby and how this character cries while still being badass. Yeah I know it's corny, but it helps with self-acceptance.
I’ve been in my villain era since 2020. In 2019 i was way to focused on being not “cringe” (turns out i was really really masking my adhd ) since i was previously a huge geek and such, so i molded myself to be as appealing (and straight, i was really closeted) Now, since I’ve explored myself during quarantine when i realized i was not even straight or cis for that matter. I’ve discovered different pronouns and identities and really i feel free. I am cringe and weird, and i WILL destroy the world.
Firstly, love your @ lol. It's absolutely liberating being able to unashamedly be yourself. People who can't respect that aren't worthy of being in your presence. I also reached a breaking point in recent years and have never felt more in control of who I am, proudly so. Hats off to you, fellow human!! 😸
Thank you for making this video Tara. I see some interesting parallels here as a black man, for most of my adult life I have been a people pleaser because I felt like it was the only way to gain acceptance in certain work environments/social circles. That fear of being perceived as "one of the bad ones" is very real, even though deep down I know I don't owe it anyone to be so agreeable and available. Maybe 2023 is a good year to start that villain Era.
As a black woman, I can relate. I don't want to be seen as aggressive, as an "angry black woman". So I've always avoided any kind of conflict or argument, kept my opinions to myself, and when I do have to share, be as nice and appeasing with my word choice as possible. Kind of made me a doormat, unfortunately. It's a hard habit to shake, but we'll get there.
"We train/teach people how to treat us." I remember being introduced to this concept in my late 20s & it really stuck with me. It's easier to establish boundaries in a new relationship than to re-establish them in existing relationships. So yeah, you will get push back once you start saying no & asserting yourself with the people in your life. But it's so worth it. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. There's nothing wrong with caring about others feelings or putting someone elses needs ahead of your own, but it should be a conscious decision & not default programming if that makes any sense. Taking care of yourself doesn't make you a bad or uncaring person. It makes you a well adjusted adult.
This may just be an unfortunate consequence, but as a woman I know many toxic women in my life using the “villain” era trend to justify their nature. I completely agree with the message you take from the trend, but it’s worth noting how it’s getting used.
Shitty people will use any excuse to be shitty. Thats what Ive learned. But the villian era stuff has really helped me out in a positive way from my people pleasing and codependent relationships with family
@@dipset4016 Sure! As soon as you can send me money for sessions, I'd love to go to therapy :) Until then, I'll grow how I want to thank you very much!
"Villain" does feel like an apt description of how people react to it, that's for sure. I certainly know in my life how it has gone. People encourage you and tell you you really have to learn to say "no". So then of course, you finally feel comfortable enough to say "no" to them, as they encouraged you to do so. But then all of a sudden they are offended that you dared to say no to them... I'm a cis-het man, btw. I can absolutely see this being even more of an issue for women and anyone else who is female presenting, for sure. Hell, I've certainly been told stories about it, where it went much further than the person simply being offended. It truly is horrific. So yeah, I still can't say I am very good at saying "no" (in the past to the point of letting myself be scammed out of around 1500 euro, while I knew full well I was being scammed, (that did trigger a bit of a change, though :S)). But I'm working on it, and I certainly would encourage anyone to embrace their inner villain ;)
If they want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, why should you care if they don’t like you anymore? I’d certainly accept a no, and respect that person for being honest, if they can’t it shows you who they really are. Don’t give energy to those who don’t deserve it, save it for those who do.
I went through my 'villain era' a few years ago and my friends, family and manager at work all told me they were proud of me. I'm so lucky to be surrounded by supportive people
thank you so much for bringing up the reclaiming words conversation! as an ex catholic with religious trauma i am well familiar with the terms "slut" and "whore". but using those words now in an affectionate way with myself or friends makes me feel like im reclaiming the years of self expression the church took from me. on the other hand, my mom grew up in an abusive conservative household, so those words are a trigger for her. when i refer to myself as one of those terms in front of her, she gets really defensive. i dont use those words in front of her now of course and i tried not to anyway (when i did it was never with degradation to anyone), but she agrees with the reclaiming of those words by the people affected by it (women/fems) and thinks its a beautiful way of recovering from that sort of trauma :-) happy new year tara, hope you feel better soon!
i love that for you but as a religious person i'm always really sad to hear about the trauma religion has caused people. i mean it caused me my own trauma too which is why i'm not a traditional religious person at all, but rather 'religious' in the sense that i do believe in a god and still pray and all that. i sincerely wish you well through your healing journey and reclaiming of self
Im like your mom in that I understand and am happy for the people who want to reclaim those words, but I still hate them being used on me or used on people who did not consent to it (even if the user did not mean it degradingly) It reminds of this one time after the presidential elections, people started calling Marianne williamson a "bimbo" but I guess they meant it as a compliment? And they were saying they wanted her to be president and she can be our first bimbo president. Then they were surprised when she started blocking them lol Like I understand wanting to reclaim that word for yourself, but dont assume other people are okay with that word being used on them, even if you dont mean it insultingly
@@caitlinreddy7330 i understand that completely. im more spiritual than religious but i do believe in some sort of god like force. you have such a kind soul and i wish you the best in your healing as well
@@botanicalitus4194 of course of course! im sorry if i didnt go into detail enough. i only do it with a few friends that i know are comfortable and myself. as well as fictional characters. but i dont call anyone that i dont know or know that isnt comfortable with it let alone say it around them. sorry that i resurfaced harsh feelings and i completely understand where you are coming from.
Now this is a super relatable video. I had really shit friends growing up and I'd always do anything to please them just to not be a loner, then at 15/16 I just snapped and put very clear boundaries of I'm not gonna be a mug for anyone. If I could give young people any advice is DON'T go out of your way to please anyone that wouldn't bat an eyelid for you. If you set that boundary early, those individuals will either move on to another sucker or respect your choices. I'm 43 and have more friends than I could wish for as I've kept in contact with those that genuinely want to be your friend. Setting boundaries also helps you read people's intentions as experience makes you very good at reading people. Honestly, don't be afraid to do so and above all, brutal honesty (from a place of love) gets you more love and respect than you could possibly imagine. As long as you're not horrible with it. i.e. you can highlight a boy/girlfriend of a mate is sus, but also let them know that despite the warnings, it's a journey they have to figure out for themselves. As oppose to dat bloke/bird is crazy, we not friends anymore ugh! Anyway that's enough advice from grandpa. You kids get off mah lawn!
My therapist said this and I can’t get it out of my head (in a good way): The people who get angry about you setting boundaries are the people who benefitted from you not having any.
I feel like I've been in my 'villain era' since childhood because people have always treated me as if I was bad just because I confidently said 'no' to things I didn't want to do. People even going as far as to say I was "like a dude" and insisting I was a bad person to the point I actually believed it. Thankfully I've come to realize that even personality is gendered and the only reason I was labeled a bad person was because I wasn't acting as expected of society
Except for some breeds that were bred to be hornless, all cattle have horns, it has nothing to do with whether they're a cow or a bull. It's just that the horns are commonly removed in the industry while they're still buds. If you didn't know now you know 🐂
@Wynn woah there, sounds like you don't seem to like men all that much. Don't get me wrong, patriarchy and misogyny puts them in greater power, but a big part of feminism is recognizing how both men and women are negatively affected by it. Ever considered the idea that all men are evil/violent and horny helps neither men or women? If that was the case, that would mean women are sweet and pure innocent souls who can never harbor a sexual thought, which I'm sure was a sentiment heavily believed by people (at least in the west). I'm not saying distrust of men because of bigotry is wrong, that's a valid reason to avoid a certain group/oppressor, but your comments show you inadvertently propel women with sexist, misogynistic, and/or patriarchal beliefs. Feminism that frames all women as innocent, motherly, soft spoken, helpers, more emotionally available, loving instead of lustful-even if positive connotations-isn't true feminism.
I will be 30 in a few weeks and I am determined to leave my people pleasing tendencies and my unnecessary guilt firmly in the past! Recently I was finally honest with a friend who has hurt me and used me for years. She started trying to guilt trip me almost immediately but I held my ground. I’m proud that I honored myself and my needs. I was able to be honest and respectful and speak to her from a place of kindness and compassion while I laid out my boundaries and spoke from the heart. She wasn’t able to meet me at that place and our friendship ended. And that’s okay! I was amazed to realize that I didn’t miss her at all. I’m gonna keep doing what’s best for me.
I’m so glad you made this video. This year I started creating boundaries and abusive/toxic family members lost their minds over it. I don’t care anymore- I’m never going back to the way it was before. This past summer, I had a seizure when I was driving home. Luckily I was pulled over on the side of the road because I felt strange. After getting home from the hospital, none of my family members asked me how I was feeling or anything. Not even a minuscule amount of caring. My mom and sister wanted me to come help my sister move in to her new house. The whole thing was awful and heartbreaking to realize but now I feel free. I don’t care about pleasing them anymore and just want to make myself happy for the first time ever.
I think another part of the villain era is that we mistake having boundaries for being angry or rude, so that when we do begin to assert boundaries, we fall back into that mistake and become angry or rude about it. It takes time to learn how to assert ourselves without being jerks. Maybe this is just a me thing. Maybe gender is a factor. Idk.
no you are completely right. when you assert boundaries people take that as rudeness, generally. because the default is that peer pressure, and overstepping bodily autonomy and etc etc is totally okay.
@@transsexual_computer_faery you’re correct but i think this person was actually saying that when someone does start to assert their boundaries they may initially be rude or aggressive about it bc it takes a while to disassociate having boundaries from being rude/angry in our own selves. so it could be seen as the “villain” part of villain era because it takes time for us to learn how to healthily assert our boundaries when we first start to do so
It certaintly is, think of the "femme fatale" character type that Hollywood keeps recycling, an intelligent, beautiful, self sufficient woman who happens to be.. a villain
I feel like the villain era trend will start really freeing and positive, but will turn into a way people justify actually toxic behavior to themselves over time 😅. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for this first iteration of it, but it seems to be how these things go on the internet.
I’m 36, been married for 4 years and have done literally every single chore on top of working and taking care of my kids. My villain era started in December when I told my husband to do HALF or get out. I was questioned if I had been going to therapy, why I was “suddenly” so demanding, etc. I said “I am never touching that litter box AGAIN and you either apologize for taking advantage of me for 4 years or get out.” Guess who hasn’t cleaned the litter box since December (along with other chores but the litter box is the WORST)? Being the villain is totally my new jam.
I wanna share a different perspective on the villain phase. Keeping in mind, my experience with people saying it has just seemed like an excuse to be cruel-- you should always have boundaries and that's not villainous. A lot of us have been through A LOT. I was trafficked and grew up in an abusive house, was a homeless teen and whenever I begged adults to help I was hurt further. I've never fallen into this phase because when I escaped what I went through from just people with this mindset while I tried to adjust to normal personhood made me believe I was an alien who didn't deserve to exist. I understand that people don't like looking at the ricochet of their actions, but A LOT of people with stories like mine exist but they don't survive. After escaping they realize the world is still unkind and cruel and there is no escape. I have compassion for people reaching their breaking point, but this mindset really does kill good people our world desperately needs. I hope a few people read this and don't just skip it over. If you did, thank you. It means a lot to me and the community of survivors trying to make it.
I've been hospitalized with a concussion and man it sucks. I'm sorry but glad you seem to be well. Thanks for pushing through the post-head-trauma haze to help the Cow bring us some content
Thank you for a name for this. I grew up a massive people pleaser (ESFJ): Christian, wife, mother, trad life etc. When I hit my late 20s I started questioning how I was raised and what I wanted in life: I could either keep up the façade and die at an early age from stress, or disappoint everyone in my life but eventually find happiness. In my 30s I came out as an agnostic queer, divorced my husband, got a couple cats, a degree, and more assertive attitude. I'm having a great time raising my son and living my more authentic life.
Just to add a little more depth to what Yesha Mehta said: our ego develops by the time we're 5 and its sole purpose is to protect us. So if we notice that our behavior is perceived as "bad", then we will do whatever we can to hide it away into our shadow self. And vice versa, if we notice that a behavior gets very positive attention, we will only stick to doing that. So people pleasing (also known as fawning, one of the many options of the "fight or flight" survival modes) can come from not having parents who are emotionally capable to deal with us as full humans and just want "a good little girl/boy" and get upset when we progress through our own, necessary developmental stages because it is a reminder that we are our own person. Some other reasons can be that we are being parentified, leaned on emotionally by our caregivers, socialized as girls who should stay quiet and serve, have a caregiver who is emotionally unstable/abusive so we learn to avoid getting them in a bad mood, having a caregiver who is narcissistic so in order to keep their love we have to perform, or just simply observed a caregiver's fawning behavior and mimicked it (which also stems from that person's childhood experience). I HIGHLY recommend looking into the work of Dr. Nicole LePera (aka The Holistic Psychologist) on Instagram and UA-cam! She expands the field of psychology that traditional therapists study and widens the definition of trauma to include small, ongoing situations that throw us into states of survival that dysregulate the nervous system and are never addressed so we don't learn how to become regulated again.
A friendly heads up regarding Nicole Lapera: She has been quite openly supportive of white nationalists in the past. This combined with her seemingly classist views as well as her insistence that medication is unhelpful or even harmful, across the board, is enough to discredit her imo. Just wanted to share in case you were not aware! I agree very much with the rest of your comment and with a lot of what Lapera says, but I personally can’t take her seriously as a source anymore.
As someone who's always been like this (a villain), 10/10 can recommend. Enforcing a boundary becomes addictive. Nothing gives me more immediate bliss than telling someone 'no' and doubling down. Some people REALLY don't like it, but it turns out they're usually horrible to spend time with anyway, so no loss there. 💅
I'm a woman and I relate 200% to people-pleasing behavior ; I struggle daily to assert myself, especially at work (I am a library curator and have to manage a team with people twice my age). I was bullied at school when I was a kid, and I think I have adopted people-pleasing & not setting clear boundaries as a coping mechanism. I'm slowly trying to break free from that behavior pattern but it is so, so hard. Every time I say "no" (*if* I manage to say "no"), I feel like an evil witch. I feel scared that people might dislike me, have a bad opinion on me and talk sh*t about me. I have suffered from that fear in all areas of my life (professional, but also emotional and sexual), and I am so sick of it. The only driving force I can rely on is anger. When I feel really, really angry, that's when I am most likely to set boundaries and say "no". But reaching that level of anger usually means that it's a wee bit too late, that things have already overstepped my values & limits. So I am slowly trying to learn to assert myself at the right moment. And I feel deeply inspired by women that are unapologetically being bold & straightforward, even if it displeases people. Thanks for bringing up that topic! 🙂
As a women and an eldest child.. and how I literally just broke out of my toxic situation on discord. I’m crying I’m so happy you made this video I don’t use tiktok and feel so heard.
I had this start before in my early 20s, I used to think of as "running out of empathy" like I had full tank of it and it replenishes really fast, so I'd always be full. But then finally it hit me and I felt like I wasn't getting any empathy back and was just being drained. I just didn't have it in me to say that I care about shit anymore when I honestly felt that way. I wasn't even really being mean... I was deciding I didn't want to partake in drama I wasn't even a part of, or I just wanted to watch the shows I wanted to watch for once. It would happen rarely throughout the years but it still does, and I can tell immediately when it happens. I'd also describe it as a feeling that just emerges from me, as if it broke from from chains. And all it was - apathy and self care. I'm always fine when it happens, it's not like PMS where I sometimes I feel angry and annoyed and can't help it. It's just honestly like "nah I'm not going to pretend to have interest in this anymore." I had a guy friend who was outright verbally abusive for me for years and I just dealt with it. I'd absorb his toxic behavior and play all the games he wanted to play, and never anything I wanted to. I didn't think anything of it, it's just what I'd do. Nothing major happened to change it, just one day he said "let's play this (shitty game we've already played before)" and I didn't want to and said no. I wasn't even mean about it, but I could tell straight away he was so confused and hurt that I didn't want to. It was the first time I didn't join him. He ended up hanging up on me, and pretended it was me who made an issue out of it. I foolishly fought his friendship back just for years later to realize we were always doing what he wanted, still, and I was begging him to just play one singular game I wanted, literally begging. He ended our friendship over it. Evidently I was being a supervillian jfc. Anyone who I "was mean to" at my time of no empathy, would come back years later on their own to apologize for THEIR shitty behavior, including this guy.
I am currently entering my villain era and I agree with the reclamation of the word like Tara said, but I think I'm reclaiming it from myself and my anxiety. To stop being complacent with everyone is something that generates a lot of anxiety and these thoughts of "I'm bad," "I'm being selfish," "I'm not being empathetic," everything you would say about a real villain, come up and its not a nice state of mind to be in. So it's like telling your own brain "YES, I AM A VILLAIN AND I WILL PRIORITIZE MY NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES." I found a lot of comfort in this term even though I've only known it for a short time, I think it's very difficult for someone who doesn't go through the paralyzing anxiety that learning to set boundaries generates to understand it. For those of us who have lived it and suffered it in our own flesh, it is more than clear. Sorry if I made mistakes, English is not my first language. Also, great video Tara, thank you very much for giving us material to think always, love from Argentina! :)
Working in the service industry (literally in Canada lol) it's always cool seeing people who clearly are people pleasers asserting themselves and being honest with what they need/want, even if it is just for getting help to find what they want to eat. I don't know how many times I've not been able to assert a need or a feeling with people I trust and love, so having to do so with complete strangers is sooo hard, yet it always brightens up my day to see people (including myself) getting over the dread of being honest and assertive!
Love your work, Tara, and this video is awesome. I appreciate you talking about groups reclaiming words that were historically used against them. Appreciating your villain era.
Tara !!! Why are you doing this to me ? How did you know ? This is so accurate. I've been shifting into that mindset these past months and god has it been painful. It's literally growing pains, trying to put myself first and being treated as a bitch by my family because I LITERALLY can't be the way I was anymore and it's making me physically, mentally, emotionally sick.
I'm sorry they are treating you like this :( you deserve to be respected and that includes your boundaries! Hope you get to be surrounded by people that do ^^
I grew up in a large family embedded with the chaos of drug and alcohol abuse - people pleasing meant safety and it sure is a hard habit to break. The day I realised it isn't a natural trait (as opposed to being a nice person) was like a bolt of lightening. Best wishes for rapid healing ❤
Abby Williamson brought me here with her most recent video. Im finally entering my "villian era" at 29, 30 in June. Its about fucking time. Ive pleased people for waaayyy too long and I dont have the mental energy for it anymore. Im just trying to take it a day at a time, trying to survive.
Back in my day, we called it "not taking any more of your shit". Today I literally spat on a copy of The Daily Mail. I think this is the year of people just having had more than enough. You seen all the strikes planned? Talk about a hot summer...
This is something I've been working on. I was the oldest girl of my family while both of my parents ran a small electrical company. I was the one who was usually put in charge of my 4 younger siblings and as I got older it turned me into the "Mom Friend". I've been working on setting my boundaries, and sometimes that means stepping away from toxic people, or saying no when people ask for help or advice on topics I am clearly not qualified to help with. I don't want to be a mom, I want to be a friend.
I'm so glad more people pleasers are setting boundaries! I started doing it more and more when I started therapy a few years back, and as someone who is a firmly established villain now, it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm happier, more confident, my life has less drama, and my friendships are more authentic. No more staying friends with someone because I feel I have to, no more letting guys treat me like shit, no more benefit of the doubt when someone has done the same thing over and over again. I also now help my friends set boundaries and realize their worth - and honestly, thats one benefit I hadn't expected and I love. I feel safe and confident in my identity, and my friends feel safe around me. Also, the villain era style/aesthetic is amazing and I love it. The moment I knew I had finally become the strong, self assured woman I always wanted to be was when more than one friend said they heard "Vigilante Shit" by Taylor Swift and immediately thought of me.
8:58 i think telling a community* that they can't reclaim a term that has been thrown at them in a derogatory way is assimilationist (though i am open to other opinions on this) *vs not reclaiming it as an individual because it make the person uncomfortable. that is 100% valid
The only person I've ever known irl to use the term "villan era" was already very self centered and narcissistic before that lol (like just off the top of my head I can think of at least 8 people/groups of people she's burned bridges with because of what an ass she made of herself around them). So that's always painted that term in a negative light for me
This has been the same experience for me. Also people have been saying this for years so I think the term probably has a ton of different meanings yanno
@@isalewis722 oh yeah, I do appreciate getting the extra perspective from the video for sure. So I know that it's possible for people to say that and not always be garbage too
@@emilyfrigge Right, this video at least breaks down the concept of it and why. It's unfortunate that there's people that will take a term way too literally to the point of using it to excuse shitty/damaging behavior.
I've seen a lot of this over the years, just without the 'villain' title attached. Men and women who decide that they're going to stop being 'too nice', even though they were never particularly nice or accommodating. At the same time, I'm not blind to the reality that many women are conditioned to be subordinate to the desires of everyone around them. I see women feeling validated by the Villain Era trend, so I don't want to totally shit on it. As long as we're all aware that if a friend suddenly starts to justify their already selfish and entitled behavior with this branding, we're probably being gaslit into celebrating the fact that they're an asshole.
Man, I really relate to that feeling of being overcome to fight back. 2022 had me pushed to that point repeatedly. I eventually just snapped in November. Now all my illustration has become experimental and cringe, I'm restarting HRT, and I'm cutting off the friends and family who harassed me into detransitioning. It's not been received well, but *I'm* happy for once.
I think the reclaiming of "villain" is super relevant for this paticular purpose. Like, yes, we can also reclaim terms for other reasons, but taking the time to get comfortable with what people are going to level at you for reasonable requests? Setting yourself up to be emotionally ready for unkind takes on your need to not be treated like garbage? Yes. That. Once upon a time, I tried to set a boundary with someone who regularly barrelled past my needs. I believed it would be super clear and they would accept my request, because that would be the right thing to do. Oh dear goodness, that is not how it went down. If this were a reasonable person who automatically did the right thing, it would not have reached that point. I wish I had been prepared for the fallout.
Came mostly out of my own villain era a couple years ago. Now I'm in my Rage arc, where I look back on how so many people did horrible things to me and try to come to terms with the trauma they caused and how to accept and move past it 🙃
My villain era lasts my whole life lol. People, who are used to others doing their bidding, called me arrogant from very early on, because I wouldn't budge. But my parents raised me to respect myself as much as others. Now I have a beautiful, healthy romantic relationship, great friendships and a great relationship with my family. The people I work with like doing so. The people I work for like me and the work I deliver. So, in the end, I didn't even have to kiss ass to be liked. My childhood and teenage years were difficult and there are still difficult situations. But all in all, standing up for yourself is totally worth it.
Today at work I did enter my "villain era" by asserting my boundaries for the first time, telling one of my coworkers that yeah I didn't appreaciate her "joke" that I'm a stealing money. She got really mad at me but I was standing my ground and when she walked out of the break room my male coworker who was standing in the corner of the room drinking his coffee walked up to me and said he was really really proud of me for standing my ground and that he was so happy that I finally managed to do so ( he had been telling me for month that I really needed to tell the other coworker that her remarks are hurting my feelings but I never wanted to do so cause I didn't want her to not like me basically...)
To me I had mine in mid September 2022, after I spent most of last year in therapy for self esteem issues/self worth/repressed emotions and for exposing the person who drugged & SA'd me in 2021. Happy to say, I'm happier than ever even if it's non linear.
I feel like its important to talk about how wrong it is for you too look that pretty. You are making our standards get higher And the production and screenwriting....you are killing it! Waiting to see more of you this new year. Hope you are doing ok love
I've started this year "in my villain era" and I needed to hear some of what you've said about setting boundaries so thank you for a perfectly timed video! Hahaha
Almost made me cry when you brought up issues of closure and people having misconceptions about you. Especially as a people pleaser myself, reconciling with people and giving them the "right idea" about me always makes me forget myself. Thank you for encouraging people like me to let go.
Holy shit this legitimately helped explain a hellish situation I’ve been going through with my *redacted*. I was always a people pleaser and after 3 years and having a baby I just STOPPED. And they think I’m HORRIBLE. But now I get it.
I also love using the word queer as an aroace person because then I don’t have to explain my whole identity to people who don’t get it, and they don’t have a change to say I’m not a part of the LGBTQ+ community! It’s just nice all around
I think I’m going through this sort of thing right now. Since I started refusing to do a coworker’s work for her, I think she’s been a bit cranky with me. Kinda funny how the very rare moments when I stand up for myself, I’m suddenly a horrible person. I still don’t regret it though.
Entered my villian era when i came out as trans lmao gotta laugh at how absurd it is that when i came out to one of my best friends he essentially told me no. Oops should have asked for the gender gatekeepers permission, everyone que up!
Hello Aunt Tara I broke up with my partner earlier tonight because they needed space outside of a relationship so I'm deciding to enter my VILLIAN ERA after watching your video and NOT wait around until they feel better but actually put myself first and move on thank you DOG BLESS please tell Jim.
I think the reason why people around you get super shocked by you having boundaries suddenly is because you inadvertently attract people who like doormats. (I mean, not only those kinds of people, but a higher margin than the average person). So one of the best things about having boundaries is that those people freak out and leave asap. Think of it as a garden weeding itself. :D
Yep the best way of getting rid of someone who you think may be taking advantage of you is just saying “no” and seeing how they react… no point saying “yes” all the time to someone when they can’t accept a “no.” without getting offended. Lost a few “friends” in my “villain” era and it feels like spring cleaning 💆♀️ I now always pay attention to my energy levels after being around someone; I used to think socialising with anyone drained me, but they were actually draining people. When you feel happy/comfortable/energetic around people, that means they’re worth that time and energy and then we all get to shine ✨
i've entered my villain era in 2019-20 when i started to cure my depression and it feels so good to be honest with your friends and not giving a f about what people you'll never see in your life might think. It felt so great, I'm still super kind to people but I stand up for myself. That's healthy, and i feel way better now, please be a villain everyone. Plus if you're queer, bonus point because being openly genderqueer feels so great and you can cut transphobic people out of your life so quickly it's a must
I've never been a people pleaser, but I have soooo hit this mood after hitting my mid 30s, dealing with IDIOTS through 3 years of pandemic, and now going thru 3 deaths in a year. I have had it with all the bullshit and I've gone back to embracing a certain amount of bluntness and not masking as much. Cause fuck! I do not have the fucking spoons for any of that right now. Nor do I have any idea when I will again. Also, villain playlists on youtube are dope and such a mood.
Great video! And at 12:42, this is something I have had such little patience for in the last few years! Even friends whom I love SO much, it would frustrate me beyond belief that they couldn't just spit it out! If someone's feelings are hurt bc you can't eat peanuts, that sounds like a them problem 😂 I really hope that blatant honesty (sans the tiptoe/walking on eggshells/ verbal self shame dance we put ourselves through) becomes more normalized and that insecurities in this context become a thing of the past.
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Is it working for y'all? No email for me lol
@@gentlydown41no 😔
"I have an English degree and I _will_ use it." is genuinely terrifying, excellent work, I am here for your personal villain arc.
OMG LEX HI
Imagine my disappointment to learn this expression was just talking about standing up/caring for yourself, and had nothing to do with villainy.
villani were a type of serf, so maybe thats for the best
Nothing's stopping any of us from standing up for ourselves by doing some villainy. Steal from Walmart, punch a billionaire, sabotage an oil pipeline, do things that are technically braking the law but are ultimately for your own well-being.
@@Emilio1985 based
Same :,,,,,((
@@Emilio1985 w advice
If it's okay with everyone, this year I'm entering my villain era by no longer people pleasing. I'm really sorry for the inconvenience and obviously if you guys don't want me to, I won't - it's really no big deal. I'm so sorry for existing and please have a great day!
lmao me
This has been my monthly thought process for at least two years now
@@pinkhairyanan me my whole life 🥲
Lol this is me, only I’ve stopped saying ‘I’m sorry’ about anything
I see myself here and I don't like it
Partially related PSA: Don't re-use bike helmets if you fall off your bike!
Just because it doesn't look damaged, doesn't mean it isn't damaged!
Described me perfectly
@@loikbouille3902 Damn 😅
you mean they're disposable? damn....
Wait really?... 😅
when I hear “villain era” I think I get the idea of someone who’s been chronically mistreated by the world. and then one day, they decided they are self-identifying as a bad person, period.
it’s like if you’ve not only accepted but take pride in the fact that “you’re a bad person” (or that society will always hate you for one reason or another), it really feels like no one’s gendered expectations can affect you anymore (tho this applies to all kinds of people, not just afab’s).
it’s strangely freeing
in my experience it was really casting off the fear i had about not being seen as a good person. i know, and my loved ones know i'm a good person; i don't need to be nice or accommodating to others, or rather i don't need to make myself small and make my needs unheard, for the sake of wanting to be perceived as a 'good' person, but that's my own personal understanding based on my experiences
yep yep yep hard agree. my personal "villain era" is me self-identifying as a "villain" bc ppl have called me that, and the world will always see me as some sort of outsider, i've been mocked for being different so why not be proud of it? ironically it's typical villain origin story stuff. plus many people associate villainy (whether irl or in fiction) with gay ppl, communists, alternative styles, etc which i am all of the above so many ppl irl will think im a bad person for that alone
You phrased it better than i could.
It makes me uneasy. We are hitting a point in history where we as a society are more accepting cruelty. Like when I think of villain arc I think about my former friend who decided he did not really get anything out of being nice and kind of turned. He eventually kicked my dog because she was "being annoying" and this ended the friendship.
Like Megamind
THIS!!! i was treated as an outcast my entire life and when i finally gave/fell into being the outcast, it was actually very freeing. i’ve never been happier
edit: also in this same coin of becoming an “outcast” i realized i was never really an outcast at all- people were just afraid of younger me’s authenticity and bullied me into hiding it and being ashamed of it. i now have people who love and support me for me, and i for them.
I guess I started my “villain era” in 2018 and never stopped because I will never be a people pleaser ever again. Having healthy boundaries and equality in all relationships is so important. If that makes us villains, then so be it.
How do you manage at work?
I just don't care about some things other people think is _really_ important, when there're far bigger fish to fry. Also, yeah, I've got a slight demon streak.
Yup!!! Just started mine, had to cut off a friend who demanded I apologise for saying p3d0s should r0blox themselves. I refused so they told my partner I'm toxic and need therapy 🤣 it's a very personal topic to me so they had to go bye bye 👋
@@4swordsluver babygirl i cannot understand a word youre saying please repeat all that in a normal, human language
@@themyofmy I understand it lmao
To me, my villain era is unmasking while also setting up boundaries. Also standing up for myself in situations that I need to.
Unmasking is a huge thing for me right now too, happy to hear others are trying to unmask more and learn how to be comfortable with themselves
I'm autistic & unmasking while setting boundaries, for me, feels like taking something compulsive and inflexible (masking is compulsive "camoflauging"), and being more selective with it. So basically replacing the mask w/ privacy where I want it regarding info about myself, choosing which emotions i share outwardly & with whom i share them, which emotions i filter through intellect (tell but not show), and practicing different ways of letting ppl know how much or how little I want to do something/participate.
It's really hard, but a compulsive "substitute" for boundaries, like masking, is survival mode stuff. Allowing myself to choose my privacy, emotional expression, consent, etc, is so much better even if it's scary bc i haven't done it in awhile. The mask is just unsustainable, so being courageous (acting despite fear) is worth it.
The masking part. I'm still trying to over come that because I feel like I'm inconveniencing ppl or being obnoxious when I'm myself still so I'm trying my hardest to be myself and not someone else who's more "acceptable"
Congrats with unmasking! Have a 🍪
“We support women’s wrongs” 😂 I will definitely be using that in the future!
My villain era began when my mom sided with my brother when I snapped and revealed his constant and inappropriate harassment I'd been going through since I was 8, I moved out a month later and I've never looked back
gen wishing the best 4 u
Hope you have a good life (: I’m currently trying to move away from my mom too
AMAZING BADASS EPIC
So sick of bad parenting.
I’m sorry that happened to you, I hope you’re doing better now!
As a Canadian with a potentially fatal peanut allergy, that joke was 150% accurate.
I wasn't aware of this trend, but I think I love it. There's this inner dialogue where I'll have a need but tell myself "if I did that, I'd be a bad person". What better response to that voice than "So be it".
Insecure people and bigots will always hate. Better to not pay attention to them
I went through my "villian era" when I was like 16. Getting therapy for an eating disorder made me realize that I wasn't exactly a people pleaser, but someone who was pleasing their eating disorder instead. Now that I'm 30, I cut out a looooot of people in my life that just plain sucked. And after I broke up with my abusive ex? He had no idea what to do with me once I had enough.
"We not only support woman's rights, but also their wrongs" - I knew I found my new UA-cam love right there.
Yes, inspiring!
this isn't really a "villain era" thing, but one of the things that i've been taught about setting boundaries is that it's really unhelpful (for me) to think of them as walls that i put up simply to benefit my own needs. i much prefer thinking of my boundaries as a roadmap, a way people can safely navigate me without accidentally driving off the cliff of my trauma triggers, or roll over my pretty private gardens. people don't exactly want to trigger me or invade on my spaces, they generally just want to earnestly be my friend, so by clearly laying out where those spaces lie i'm also doing THEM a favour by not putting them in a position where they have to deal with me being hurt by something they didn't realise would hurt me.
there's definitely a sense of vulnerability around telling people where your boundaries are, because it can also sometimes feel like you're saying "if you want to hurt me, here's where you go" - but if my friends had trauma triggers or private spaces they didn't want me going into, i know i would want to know so i could respect those spaces. other people deserve the same opportunity to make me feel respected too.
I'm dealing with something related to this and this really helps a lot! Thank you so much :))
this is such a wonderful way of describing it! and there's a complementary thing that happens to me, where it's so important for me (and I feel safe) for people to clearly state their boundaries around me, because I want to be gentle and caring with them and not triggering them, and I want them to feel safe too!
Love that!
This video spoke to me on so many levels. I am queer, in my slut era, and trying to enter my villain era.
Aka a cat lady who can't set boundaries 💀
Tbh ur an icon for that
@@iamtheaceupmysleeve1687 Absolutely agree.
truly a moment sis
I hadn't heard of this phenomenon before, but I guess I entered my villain era in 2019. It cost me four friendships (out of six), which kind of proved in my eyes that not people-pleasing does indeed lead to people not wanting you anymore. Anyway, I've never actually missed those four friends for even a second, and it opened the door for me to make new, much better friends.
I don't think I'll ever fully overcome my struggles with friendships, but I''ve come to notice that I'd rather struggle over people that don't make me feel like shit.
When I was a kid I people pleased and all it got me was "friends" who treated me like crap and constantly put me down. Surprisingly being in an abusive relationship taught me not to people please. I tried to please him but then his demands became impossible so I just got the attitude of screw you im gonna do it anyways and if you have a problem you can leave.
going from people pleasing all your life to not will lead to you losing people who only wanted you BECAUSE you were a people pleaser, and thats why not doing it anymore makes them leave, but those people arent worth your time or energy! finding new, better people who care about you for YOU is so important and its great to hear you have!!
thank you for bringing up the fact that some people are possibly going to permanently have misconceptions of you / won't necessarily have all the context that would justify your actions to them. it's really important and something that I have struggled to accept for a looooonnnng time
My villain origin story started 4 years ago when I worked for the most homophobic and transphobic workplace I have ever experienced. Slowly since then I've been saying no much more often and refusing to accept that treatment. Personally, I'm a huge advocate for the villain arc fellow chronic people pleasers are going through.
okay if you remember and were on tumblr, there was a viral gif that went around the 'think murder' and this 100% has helped me navigate the world. I'm not kidding, my first partner commented on how I walked (and i had been applying the 'murder' or at least now just walked more confidently now) and how in awe it made them. I'm also emotionally sensitive af, thx autism, and even if I got tears running down my face(despite being able to articulate just fine, tho people rarely believe that), walking with confidence helps- and changes how people then interact with you.
(if you don't know it was a gif of Charlize Theron, who was teaching how to walk confidently as a woman. Her advice was basically, stand up straight and think 'I'm going to murder someone, no one can get in my way'. and let me tell you IT IMMEDIATELY effects how you walk lol.)
(on further research you can find it by searching 'how to walk like a queen')
I remember that post, and I also always "think murder" when walking down the street or speaking to irritating people, because life is too short to allow people to bother me.
Omg I forgot about that gif set! It's so good. I have pretty strong self confidence but that is just so fun
Omg I remember that😆
I'm also autistic and cry a lot so this may help: whenever I cry and can still articulate the world, no matter people's reactions, I remember the anime main character Devil Man Cry Baby and how this character cries while still being badass. Yeah I know it's corny, but it helps with self-acceptance.
I’ve been in my villain era since 2020. In 2019 i was way to focused on being not “cringe” (turns out i was really really masking my adhd ) since i was previously a huge geek and such, so i molded myself to be as appealing (and straight, i was really closeted) Now, since I’ve explored myself during quarantine when i realized i was not even straight or cis for that matter. I’ve discovered different pronouns and identities and really i feel free. I am cringe and weird, and i WILL destroy the world.
omg im neither cis nor straight and like 99.9% sure i have adhd, slay bestie lets go fuck up the world 😈😈😈
I love that for you!
@@valentine.58 YESSSS
Firstly, love your @ lol. It's absolutely liberating being able to unashamedly be yourself. People who can't respect that aren't worthy of being in your presence. I also reached a breaking point in recent years and have never felt more in control of who I am, proudly so. Hats off to you, fellow human!! 😸
Thank you for making this video Tara. I see some interesting parallels here as a black man, for most of my adult life I have been a people pleaser because I felt like it was the only way to gain acceptance in certain work environments/social circles. That fear of being perceived as "one of the bad ones" is very real, even though deep down I know I don't owe it anyone to be so agreeable and available. Maybe 2023 is a good year to start that villain Era.
As a black woman, I can relate. I don't want to be seen as aggressive, as an "angry black woman". So I've always avoided any kind of conflict or argument, kept my opinions to myself, and when I do have to share, be as nice and appeasing with my word choice as possible. Kind of made me a doormat, unfortunately. It's a hard habit to shake, but we'll get there.
get on that villain era, king
"We train/teach people how to treat us." I remember being introduced to this concept in my late 20s & it really stuck with me. It's easier to establish boundaries in a new relationship than to re-establish them in existing relationships. So yeah, you will get push back once you start saying no & asserting yourself with the people in your life. But it's so worth it. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. There's nothing wrong with caring about others feelings or putting someone elses needs ahead of your own, but it should be a conscious decision & not default programming if that makes any sense. Taking care of yourself doesn't make you a bad or uncaring person. It makes you a well adjusted adult.
This may just be an unfortunate consequence, but as a woman I know many toxic women in my life using the “villain” era trend to justify their nature. I completely agree with the message you take from the trend, but it’s worth noting how it’s getting used.
Shitty people will use any excuse to be shitty. Thats what Ive learned. But the villian era stuff has really helped me out in a positive way from my people pleasing and codependent relationships with family
@@ebmage8793 Maybe go to therapy? Tik tok trends shouldn't be where you are making strides in self-improvement
@@dipset4016 Sure! As soon as you can send me money for sessions, I'd love to go to therapy :) Until then, I'll grow how I want to thank you very much!
"Villain" does feel like an apt description of how people react to it, that's for sure.
I certainly know in my life how it has gone. People encourage you and tell you you really have to learn to say "no". So then of course, you finally feel comfortable enough to say "no" to them, as they encouraged you to do so. But then all of a sudden they are offended that you dared to say no to them...
I'm a cis-het man, btw. I can absolutely see this being even more of an issue for women and anyone else who is female presenting, for sure. Hell, I've certainly been told stories about it, where it went much further than the person simply being offended. It truly is horrific.
So yeah, I still can't say I am very good at saying "no" (in the past to the point of letting myself be scammed out of around 1500 euro, while I knew full well I was being scammed, (that did trigger a bit of a change, though :S)). But I'm working on it, and I certainly would encourage anyone to embrace their inner villain ;)
u described it perfectly...everyone always gets on u for not knowing how to say no and then when u finally follow their advice ur the bad guy
Yeah, people always want you to learn to say "no," but only to everybody else.
If they want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, why should you care if they don’t like you anymore? I’d certainly accept a no, and respect that person for being honest, if they can’t it shows you who they really are. Don’t give energy to those who don’t deserve it, save it for those who do.
I went through my 'villain era' a few years ago and my friends, family and manager at work all told me they were proud of me. I'm so lucky to be surrounded by supportive people
thank you so much for bringing up the reclaiming words conversation! as an ex catholic with religious trauma i am well familiar with the terms "slut" and "whore". but using those words now in an affectionate way with myself or friends makes me feel like im reclaiming the years of self expression the church took from me. on the other hand, my mom grew up in an abusive conservative household, so those words are a trigger for her. when i refer to myself as one of those terms in front of her, she gets really defensive. i dont use those words in front of her now of course and i tried not to anyway (when i did it was never with degradation to anyone), but she agrees with the reclaiming of those words by the people affected by it (women/fems) and thinks its a beautiful way of recovering from that sort of trauma :-) happy new year tara, hope you feel better soon!
i love that for you but as a religious person i'm always really sad to hear about the trauma religion has caused people. i mean it caused me my own trauma too which is why i'm not a traditional religious person at all, but rather 'religious' in the sense that i do believe in a god and still pray and all that. i sincerely wish you well through your healing journey and reclaiming of self
Im like your mom in that I understand and am happy for the people who want to reclaim those words, but I still hate them being used on me or used on people who did not consent to it (even if the user did not mean it degradingly)
It reminds of this one time after the presidential elections, people started calling Marianne williamson a "bimbo" but I guess they meant it as a compliment? And they were saying they wanted her to be president and she can be our first bimbo president. Then they were surprised when she started blocking them lol
Like I understand wanting to reclaim that word for yourself, but dont assume other people are okay with that word being used on them, even if you dont mean it insultingly
@@caitlinreddy7330 i understand that completely. im more spiritual than religious but i do believe in some sort of god like force. you have such a kind soul and i wish you the best in your healing as well
@@botanicalitus4194 of course of course! im sorry if i didnt go into detail enough. i only do it with a few friends that i know are comfortable and myself. as well as fictional characters. but i dont call anyone that i dont know or know that isnt comfortable with it let alone say it around them. sorry that i resurfaced harsh feelings and i completely understand where you are coming from.
Now this is a super relatable video. I had really shit friends growing up and I'd always do anything to please them just to not be a loner, then at 15/16 I just snapped and put very clear boundaries of I'm not gonna be a mug for anyone. If I could give young people any advice is DON'T go out of your way to please anyone that wouldn't bat an eyelid for you. If you set that boundary early, those individuals will either move on to another sucker or respect your choices. I'm 43 and have more friends than I could wish for as I've kept in contact with those that genuinely want to be your friend. Setting boundaries also helps you read people's intentions as experience makes you very good at reading people. Honestly, don't be afraid to do so and above all, brutal honesty (from a place of love) gets you more love and respect than you could possibly imagine. As long as you're not horrible with it. i.e. you can highlight a boy/girlfriend of a mate is sus, but also let them know that despite the warnings, it's a journey they have to figure out for themselves. As oppose to dat bloke/bird is crazy, we not friends anymore ugh!
Anyway that's enough advice from grandpa. You kids get off mah lawn!
My therapist said this and I can’t get it out of my head (in a good way): The people who get angry about you setting boundaries are the people who benefitted from you not having any.
I feel like I've been in my 'villain era' since childhood because people have always treated me as if I was bad just because I confidently said 'no' to things I didn't want to do. People even going as far as to say I was "like a dude" and insisting I was a bad person to the point I actually believed it. Thankfully I've come to realize that even personality is gendered and the only reason I was labeled a bad person was because I wasn't acting as expected of society
So if the villain era has horns as its symbol does that mean the cow’s villain era resembles a bull?
Cow in drag Cow is being villanous
Except for some breeds that were bred to be hornless, all cattle have horns, it has nothing to do with whether they're a cow or a bull. It's just that the horns are commonly removed in the industry while they're still buds. If you didn't know now you know 🐂
Stop transing our cows! Real cows have horns!
@Wynn woah there, sounds like you don't seem to like men all that much. Don't get me wrong, patriarchy and misogyny puts them in greater power, but a big part of feminism is recognizing how both men and women are negatively affected by it.
Ever considered the idea that all men are evil/violent and horny helps neither men or women? If that was the case, that would mean women are sweet and pure innocent souls who can never harbor a sexual thought, which I'm sure was a sentiment heavily believed by people (at least in the west). I'm not saying distrust of men because of bigotry is wrong, that's a valid reason to avoid a certain group/oppressor, but your comments show you inadvertently propel women with sexist, misogynistic, and/or patriarchal beliefs. Feminism that frames all women as innocent, motherly, soft spoken, helpers, more emotionally available, loving instead of lustful-even if positive connotations-isn't true feminism.
I will be 30 in a few weeks and I am determined to leave my people pleasing tendencies and my unnecessary guilt firmly in the past! Recently I was finally honest with a friend who has hurt me and used me for years. She started trying to guilt trip me almost immediately but I held my ground. I’m proud that I honored myself and my needs. I was able to be honest and respectful and speak to her from a place of kindness and compassion while I laid out my boundaries and spoke from the heart. She wasn’t able to meet me at that place and our friendship ended. And that’s okay! I was amazed to realize that I didn’t miss her at all. I’m gonna keep doing what’s best for me.
That's fantastic! I know how hard putting these things into practice is and it's awesome you were able to do that!
@@joyc.e.7511 Thank you friend!!
If someone can't respect your most basic boundaries then yeah they probably weren't a good friend to have in the first place.
I’m so glad you made this video. This year I started creating boundaries and abusive/toxic family members lost their minds over it. I don’t care anymore- I’m never going back to the way it was before.
This past summer, I had a seizure when I was driving home. Luckily I was pulled over on the side of the road because I felt strange. After getting home from the hospital, none of my family members asked me how I was feeling or anything. Not even a minuscule amount of caring. My mom and sister wanted me to come help my sister move in to her new house. The whole thing was awful and heartbreaking to realize but now I feel free. I don’t care about pleasing them anymore and just want to make myself happy for the first time ever.
I think another part of the villain era is that we mistake having boundaries for being angry or rude, so that when we do begin to assert boundaries, we fall back into that mistake and become angry or rude about it. It takes time to learn how to assert ourselves without being jerks. Maybe this is just a me thing. Maybe gender is a factor. Idk.
no you are completely right. when you assert boundaries people take that as rudeness, generally. because the default is that peer pressure, and overstepping bodily autonomy and etc etc is totally okay.
@@transsexual_computer_faery you’re correct but i think this person was actually saying that when someone does start to assert their boundaries they may initially be rude or aggressive about it bc it takes a while to disassociate having boundaries from being rude/angry in our own selves. so it could be seen as the “villain” part of villain era because it takes time for us to learn how to healthily assert our boundaries when we first start to do so
@@sylmaerie damn,, true.
It certaintly is, think of the "femme fatale" character type that Hollywood keeps recycling, an intelligent, beautiful, self sufficient woman who happens to be.. a villain
I feel like the villain era trend will start really freeing and positive, but will turn into a way people justify actually toxic behavior to themselves over time 😅.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for this first iteration of it, but it seems to be how these things go on the internet.
I feel like it should be called a confidence era.
This is the reality of alot of trends.
I’m 36, been married for 4 years and have done literally every single chore on top of working and taking care of my kids. My villain era started in December when I told my husband to do HALF or get out. I was questioned if I had been going to therapy, why I was “suddenly” so demanding, etc. I said “I am never touching that litter box AGAIN and you either apologize for taking advantage of me for 4 years or get out.” Guess who hasn’t cleaned the litter box since December (along with other chores but the litter box is the WORST)? Being the villain is totally my new jam.
I wanna share a different perspective on the villain phase. Keeping in mind, my experience with people saying it has just seemed like an excuse to be cruel-- you should always have boundaries and that's not villainous. A lot of us have been through A LOT. I was trafficked and grew up in an abusive house, was a homeless teen and whenever I begged adults to help I was hurt further. I've never fallen into this phase because when I escaped what I went through from just people with this mindset while I tried to adjust to normal personhood made me believe I was an alien who didn't deserve to exist. I understand that people don't like looking at the ricochet of their actions, but A LOT of people with stories like mine exist but they don't survive. After escaping they realize the world is still unkind and cruel and there is no escape. I have compassion for people reaching their breaking point, but this mindset really does kill good people our world desperately needs.
I hope a few people read this and don't just skip it over. If you did, thank you. It means a lot to me and the community of survivors trying to make it.
I've been hospitalized with a concussion and man it sucks. I'm sorry but glad you seem to be well. Thanks for pushing through the post-head-trauma haze to help the Cow bring us some content
Thank you for a name for this. I grew up a massive people pleaser (ESFJ): Christian, wife, mother, trad life etc. When I hit my late 20s I started questioning how I was raised and what I wanted in life: I could either keep up the façade and die at an early age from stress, or disappoint everyone in my life but eventually find happiness. In my 30s I came out as an agnostic queer, divorced my husband, got a couple cats, a degree, and more assertive attitude. I'm having a great time raising my son and living my more authentic life.
ESFJ, that's your Mbti? Did it change then?
@@tcrijwanachoudhury Nope, it matured. I stopped relying so much on my Fe and started looking into how to be a healthy ESFJ and establish boundaries.
Just to add a little more depth to what Yesha Mehta said: our ego develops by the time we're 5 and its sole purpose is to protect us. So if we notice that our behavior is perceived as "bad", then we will do whatever we can to hide it away into our shadow self. And vice versa, if we notice that a behavior gets very positive attention, we will only stick to doing that.
So people pleasing (also known as fawning, one of the many options of the "fight or flight" survival modes) can come from not having parents who are emotionally capable to deal with us as full humans and just want "a good little girl/boy" and get upset when we progress through our own, necessary developmental stages because it is a reminder that we are our own person.
Some other reasons can be that we are being parentified, leaned on emotionally by our caregivers, socialized as girls who should stay quiet and serve, have a caregiver who is emotionally unstable/abusive so we learn to avoid getting them in a bad mood, having a caregiver who is narcissistic so in order to keep their love we have to perform, or just simply observed a caregiver's fawning behavior and mimicked it (which also stems from that person's childhood experience).
I HIGHLY recommend looking into the work of Dr. Nicole LePera (aka The Holistic Psychologist) on Instagram and UA-cam! She expands the field of psychology that traditional therapists study and widens the definition of trauma to include small, ongoing situations that throw us into states of survival that dysregulate the nervous system and are never addressed so we don't learn how to become regulated again.
A friendly heads up regarding Nicole Lapera: She has been quite openly supportive of white nationalists in the past. This combined with her seemingly classist views as well as her insistence that medication is unhelpful or even harmful, across the board, is enough to discredit her imo. Just wanted to share in case you were not aware! I agree very much with the rest of your comment and with a lot of what Lapera says, but I personally can’t take her seriously as a source anymore.
That just doesn't seem true but I'm not normal brained so who knows
this is like reading a synopsis of my own villain origin story, thanks, I hate it,
(I do appreciate it)
My villain era started when I realized I may never see or hear from the cow behind the success of this channel. Gonna put up so many boundaries now.
As someone who's always been like this (a villain), 10/10 can recommend. Enforcing a boundary becomes addictive. Nothing gives me more immediate bliss than telling someone 'no' and doubling down. Some people REALLY don't like it, but it turns out they're usually horrible to spend time with anyway, so no loss there. 💅
This is my comfort channel and I always watch when I can't sleep at night or when im going through tough times
I'm a woman and I relate 200% to people-pleasing behavior ; I struggle daily to assert myself, especially at work (I am a library curator and have to manage a team with people twice my age). I was bullied at school when I was a kid, and I think I have adopted people-pleasing & not setting clear boundaries as a coping mechanism. I'm slowly trying to break free from that behavior pattern but it is so, so hard. Every time I say "no" (*if* I manage to say "no"), I feel like an evil witch. I feel scared that people might dislike me, have a bad opinion on me and talk sh*t about me. I have suffered from that fear in all areas of my life (professional, but also emotional and sexual), and I am so sick of it. The only driving force I can rely on is anger. When I feel really, really angry, that's when I am most likely to set boundaries and say "no". But reaching that level of anger usually means that it's a wee bit too late, that things have already overstepped my values & limits. So I am slowly trying to learn to assert myself at the right moment. And I feel deeply inspired by women that are unapologetically being bold & straightforward, even if it displeases people. Thanks for bringing up that topic! 🙂
As a women and an eldest child.. and how I literally just broke out of my toxic situation on discord.
I’m crying I’m so happy you made this video I don’t use tiktok and feel so heard.
As a Canadian I feel both called out and seen. How dare you say something so accurate.
I had this start before in my early 20s, I used to think of as "running out of empathy" like I had full tank of it and it replenishes really fast, so I'd always be full. But then finally it hit me and I felt like I wasn't getting any empathy back and was just being drained. I just didn't have it in me to say that I care about shit anymore when I honestly felt that way. I wasn't even really being mean... I was deciding I didn't want to partake in drama I wasn't even a part of, or I just wanted to watch the shows I wanted to watch for once. It would happen rarely throughout the years but it still does, and I can tell immediately when it happens. I'd also describe it as a feeling that just emerges from me, as if it broke from from chains. And all it was - apathy and self care. I'm always fine when it happens, it's not like PMS where I sometimes I feel angry and annoyed and can't help it. It's just honestly like "nah I'm not going to pretend to have interest in this anymore."
I had a guy friend who was outright verbally abusive for me for years and I just dealt with it. I'd absorb his toxic behavior and play all the games he wanted to play, and never anything I wanted to. I didn't think anything of it, it's just what I'd do. Nothing major happened to change it, just one day he said "let's play this (shitty game we've already played before)" and I didn't want to and said no. I wasn't even mean about it, but I could tell straight away he was so confused and hurt that I didn't want to. It was the first time I didn't join him. He ended up hanging up on me, and pretended it was me who made an issue out of it. I foolishly fought his friendship back just for years later to realize we were always doing what he wanted, still, and I was begging him to just play one singular game I wanted, literally begging. He ended our friendship over it.
Evidently I was being a supervillian jfc.
Anyone who I "was mean to" at my time of no empathy, would come back years later on their own to apologize for THEIR shitty behavior, including this guy.
I am currently entering my villain era and I agree with the reclamation of the word like Tara said, but I think I'm reclaiming it from myself and my anxiety. To stop being complacent with everyone is something that generates a lot of anxiety and these thoughts of "I'm bad," "I'm being selfish," "I'm not being empathetic," everything you would say about a real villain, come up and its not a nice state of mind to be in. So it's like telling your own brain "YES, I AM A VILLAIN AND I WILL PRIORITIZE MY NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES."
I found a lot of comfort in this term even though I've only known it for a short time, I think it's very difficult for someone who doesn't go through the paralyzing anxiety that learning to set boundaries generates to understand it. For those of us who have lived it and suffered it in our own flesh, it is more than clear.
Sorry if I made mistakes, English is not my first language.
Also, great video Tara, thank you very much for giving us material to think always, love from Argentina! :)
Working in the service industry (literally in Canada lol) it's always cool seeing people who clearly are people pleasers asserting themselves and being honest with what they need/want, even if it is just for getting help to find what they want to eat. I don't know how many times I've not been able to assert a need or a feeling with people I trust and love, so having to do so with complete strangers is sooo hard, yet it always brightens up my day to see people (including myself) getting over the dread of being honest and assertive!
Tara I feel you on the bike accident. Had many in my time with some ✨colourful ✨ bruises to show for them! Hope you get better soon 😊
Love your work, Tara, and this video is awesome. I appreciate you talking about groups reclaiming words that were historically used against them. Appreciating your villain era.
I may be entering my villain era too. Thanks for the inspiration, Tara!!
Tara !!! Why are you doing this to me ? How did you know ? This is so accurate. I've been shifting into that mindset these past months and god has it been painful. It's literally growing pains, trying to put myself first and being treated as a bitch by my family because I LITERALLY can't be the way I was anymore and it's making me physically, mentally, emotionally sick.
Tara never misses!!
I'm sorry they are treating you like this :( you deserve to be respected and that includes your boundaries! Hope you get to be surrounded by people that do ^^
I grew up in a large family embedded with the chaos of drug and alcohol abuse - people pleasing meant safety and it sure is a hard habit to break. The day I realised it isn't a natural trait (as opposed to being a nice person) was like a bolt of lightening. Best wishes for rapid healing ❤
Abby Williamson brought me here with her most recent video. Im finally entering my "villian era" at 29, 30 in June. Its about fucking time. Ive pleased people for waaayyy too long and I dont have the mental energy for it anymore. Im just trying to take it a day at a time, trying to survive.
Back in my day, we called it "not taking any more of your shit".
Today I literally spat on a copy of The Daily Mail. I think this is the year of people just having had more than enough. You seen all the strikes planned? Talk about a hot summer...
Gonna be a fun people-watching season.
I don't know why I found this video now, when I need it soooo much! Thank you!
This is something I've been working on. I was the oldest girl of my family while both of my parents ran a small electrical company. I was the one who was usually put in charge of my 4 younger siblings and as I got older it turned me into the "Mom Friend". I've been working on setting my boundaries, and sometimes that means stepping away from toxic people, or saying no when people ask for help or advice on topics I am clearly not qualified to help with. I don't want to be a mom, I want to be a friend.
Girl, you have no idea how I needed it
As a recovering ppl pleaser, felt 😢
I'm so glad more people pleasers are setting boundaries! I started doing it more and more when I started therapy a few years back, and as someone who is a firmly established villain now, it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm happier, more confident, my life has less drama, and my friendships are more authentic. No more staying friends with someone because I feel I have to, no more letting guys treat me like shit, no more benefit of the doubt when someone has done the same thing over and over again. I also now help my friends set boundaries and realize their worth - and honestly, thats one benefit I hadn't expected and I love. I feel safe and confident in my identity, and my friends feel safe around me. Also, the villain era style/aesthetic is amazing and I love it.
The moment I knew I had finally become the strong, self assured woman I always wanted to be was when more than one friend said they heard "Vigilante Shit" by Taylor Swift and immediately thought of me.
You're such an adorable villain 🥰
Your bangs are bangin
8:58 i think telling a community* that they can't reclaim a term that has been thrown at them in a derogatory way is assimilationist (though i am open to other opinions on this)
*vs not reclaiming it as an individual because it make the person uncomfortable. that is 100% valid
The only person I've ever known irl to use the term "villan era" was already very self centered and narcissistic before that lol (like just off the top of my head I can think of at least 8 people/groups of people she's burned bridges with because of what an ass she made of herself around them). So that's always painted that term in a negative light for me
This has been the same experience for me. Also people have been saying this for years so I think the term probably has a ton of different meanings yanno
@@isalewis722 oh yeah, I do appreciate getting the extra perspective from the video for sure. So I know that it's possible for people to say that and not always be garbage too
@@emilyfrigge Right, this video at least breaks down the concept of it and why. It's unfortunate that there's people that will take a term way too literally to the point of using it to excuse shitty/damaging behavior.
I've seen a lot of this over the years, just without the 'villain' title attached. Men and women who decide that they're going to stop being 'too nice', even though they were never particularly nice or accommodating.
At the same time, I'm not blind to the reality that many women are conditioned to be subordinate to the desires of everyone around them. I see women feeling validated by the Villain Era trend, so I don't want to totally shit on it.
As long as we're all aware that if a friend suddenly starts to justify their already selfish and entitled behavior with this branding, we're probably being gaslit into celebrating the fact that they're an asshole.
She was actually in her villain era
Man, I really relate to that feeling of being overcome to fight back. 2022 had me pushed to that point repeatedly. I eventually just snapped in November.
Now all my illustration has become experimental and cringe, I'm restarting HRT, and I'm cutting off the friends and family who harassed me into detransitioning. It's not been received well, but *I'm* happy for once.
I think the reclaiming of "villain" is super relevant for this paticular purpose. Like, yes, we can also reclaim terms for other reasons, but taking the time to get comfortable with what people are going to level at you for reasonable requests? Setting yourself up to be emotionally ready for unkind takes on your need to not be treated like garbage? Yes. That.
Once upon a time, I tried to set a boundary with someone who regularly barrelled past my needs. I believed it would be super clear and they would accept my request, because that would be the right thing to do. Oh dear goodness, that is not how it went down. If this were a reasonable person who automatically did the right thing, it would not have reached that point. I wish I had been prepared for the fallout.
Came mostly out of my own villain era a couple years ago. Now I'm in my Rage arc, where I look back on how so many people did horrible things to me and try to come to terms with the trauma they caused and how to accept and move past it 🙃
My villain era lasts my whole life lol. People, who are used to others doing their bidding, called me arrogant from very early on, because I wouldn't budge. But my parents raised me to respect myself as much as others.
Now I have a beautiful, healthy romantic relationship, great friendships and a great relationship with my family. The people I work with like doing so. The people I work for like me and the work I deliver.
So, in the end, I didn't even have to kiss ass to be liked. My childhood and teenage years were difficult and there are still difficult situations. But all in all, standing up for yourself is totally worth it.
Today at work I did enter my "villain era" by asserting my boundaries for the first time, telling one of my coworkers that yeah I didn't appreaciate her "joke" that I'm a stealing money.
She got really mad at me but I was standing my ground and when she walked out of the break room my male coworker who was standing in the corner of the room drinking his coffee walked up to me and said he was really really proud of me for standing my ground and that he was so happy that I finally managed to do so ( he had been telling me for month that I really needed to tell the other coworker that her remarks are hurting my feelings but I never wanted to do so cause I didn't want her to not like me basically...)
To me I had mine in mid September 2022, after I spent most of last year in therapy for self esteem issues/self worth/repressed emotions and for exposing the person who drugged & SA'd me in 2021. Happy to say, I'm happier than ever even if it's non linear.
I feel like its important to talk about how wrong it is for you too look that pretty. You are making our standards get higher
And the production and screenwriting....you are killing it!
Waiting to see more of you this new year. Hope you are doing ok love
When I say I'm in my villain era and I'm done people pleasing I MEAN I'm in my villain era i am evil and cold now and i will be doing evil things
I've started this year "in my villain era" and I needed to hear some of what you've said about setting boundaries so thank you for a perfectly timed video! Hahaha
Almost made me cry when you brought up issues of closure and people having misconceptions about you. Especially as a people pleaser myself, reconciling with people and giving them the "right idea" about me always makes me forget myself. Thank you for encouraging people like me to let go.
3-5 years deep in my villian era. Swimming in the virgin blood and loving it. It really heals the trauma and brightens the cheeks.
Such a great video!! And you look very happy!! I'm happy for you
Holy shit this legitimately helped explain a hellish situation I’ve been going through with my *redacted*. I was always a people pleaser and after 3 years and having a baby I just STOPPED. And they think I’m HORRIBLE. But now I get it.
Off topic but girl your hair looks so pretty!
Sorry about your concussion, I hope you're feeling better!
I also love using the word queer as an aroace person because then I don’t have to explain my whole identity to people who don’t get it, and they don’t have a change to say I’m not a part of the LGBTQ+ community! It’s just nice all around
2023 is my Silly Goose arc. I will be whimsical and free spirited, participating in tomfoolery and fun
I think I’m going through this sort of thing right now. Since I started refusing to do a coworker’s work for her, I think she’s been a bit cranky with me. Kinda funny how the very rare moments when I stand up for myself, I’m suddenly a horrible person. I still don’t regret it though.
Well, I can't relate, I still haven't entered my "good guy" era.
Entered my villian era when i came out as trans lmao gotta laugh at how absurd it is that when i came out to one of my best friends he essentially told me no. Oops should have asked for the gender gatekeepers permission, everyone que up!
I had no idea that I was entering my villain era at all. Genuinely thank you for this video, it's really helped.
Sorry you wiped out, I know what that's like and it's a ton of work and pain. Hope you're recovering well-
When you said "uhmmmm, manage your expectations" I laughed so hard my soul left my body 😭😂
Hello Aunt Tara I broke up with my partner earlier tonight because they needed space outside of a relationship so I'm deciding to enter my VILLIAN ERA after watching your video and NOT wait around until they feel better but actually put myself first and move on thank you DOG BLESS please tell Jim.
I think the reason why people around you get super shocked by you having boundaries suddenly is because you inadvertently attract people who like doormats. (I mean, not only those kinds of people, but a higher margin than the average person). So one of the best things about having boundaries is that those people freak out and leave asap. Think of it as a garden weeding itself. :D
So nice to see a new upload! I’m loving the Rita Hayworth from ‘Gilda’ ensemble we have here.
I _knew_ it looked familiar.
I think setting respectful boundaries is more beneficial anger isn’t sustainable but boundaries need to be
Please don't die, Tara Mooknee! You are forbidden from riding bikes now xD
Anyway, recover well! Concussions are serious 😵💫
Great video!
I thought the tattoo was of a bicycle at first 💀
Yep the best way of getting rid of someone who you think may be taking advantage of you is just saying “no” and seeing how they react… no point saying “yes” all the time to someone when they can’t accept a “no.” without getting offended. Lost a few “friends” in my “villain” era and it feels like spring cleaning 💆♀️ I now always pay attention to my energy levels after being around someone; I used to think socialising with anyone drained me, but they were actually draining people. When you feel happy/comfortable/energetic around people, that means they’re worth that time and energy and then we all get to shine ✨
needed this today :)
i've entered my villain era in 2019-20 when i started to cure my depression and it feels so good to be honest with your friends and not giving a f about what people you'll never see in your life might think. It felt so great, I'm still super kind to people but I stand up for myself. That's healthy, and i feel way better now, please be a villain everyone. Plus if you're queer, bonus point because being openly genderqueer feels so great and you can cut transphobic people out of your life so quickly it's a must
Thosse lace gloves are making me feel a certain way
I've never been a people pleaser, but I have soooo hit this mood after hitting my mid 30s, dealing with IDIOTS through 3 years of pandemic, and now going thru 3 deaths in a year. I have had it with all the bullshit and I've gone back to embracing a certain amount of bluntness and not masking as much. Cause fuck! I do not have the fucking spoons for any of that right now. Nor do I have any idea when I will again.
Also, villain playlists on youtube are dope and such a mood.
I happened to open my subscription list right as this was posted, and paused the lion king soundtrack for this.
Well worth it.
Great video! And at 12:42, this is something I have had such little patience for in the last few years! Even friends whom I love SO much, it would frustrate me beyond belief that they couldn't just spit it out! If someone's feelings are hurt bc you can't eat peanuts, that sounds like a them problem 😂 I really hope that blatant honesty (sans the tiptoe/walking on eggshells/ verbal self shame dance we put ourselves through) becomes more normalized and that insecurities in this context become a thing of the past.
I didn't know I was in my villan era, I called it my 30s, but I like villan era more