As someone who has chosen not to have kids, I truly appreciate how honest and transparent you are. I think a lot of times people romanticize parenthood and get caught up in that and don't realize how hard it is. My husband and I initially thought we wanted kids because that's what society teaches you to want, but we ended up deciding it wasn't for us for many different reasons.
Been trying to figure out that for our couple also, without the pressure of family and society. How you where 100% sure with your decision? I’m in the 90% sure I want to be childfree right now. But I'm 37 so my chances are ending and I just question my decision everyday i don't want to regret it
@@perlah8407 it happened gradually over time where I became more and more certain. I decided I'd rather take the risk in regretting not having kids vs regretting having them.
@@perlah8407 better to regret not having one than having one and regretting it. You could even adopt later or foster or just enjoy life without a child/children.
The teenage years were the most difficult for my motherhood journey. Teens have a mind of their own, but you are still responsible for them. It’s tough.
My son started going to daycare one day a week at 15 months old and that helped my mental health tremendously. I could go on a hike with my puppy, take a nap, or simply get things done without being interrupted every two seconds. He loves being there too and gets loads of social interaction, so for us it has really been a win/win situation.
Motherhood is hard. Especially when the narrative is that we can "have it all" - which is just not possible. I always say, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once. However I just want to share that my little one is about to turn 4 and I am getting lots of those freedoms back that you lose when they enter toddlerhood. We're homeschooling him so it's not like he's at daycare or anything - it's just that going out and about is heaps more fun and relaxing, and when at home he can play independently for stretches of time. I'm not trying to minimise your hardships (or anyone else's), but please know it gets better.
SAME! I’m so happy I found this. Motherhood was never meant for me. I was never a kid person growing up and I always told my partners I never wanted children. At 29 I had my first child. Who I love more than anything and he is very well taken care of. But motherhood, isn’t for me. I never talk about my son. I never join mom groups or even try to relate with co workers with children my sons age. I know I’m very blessed, and thankful. It’s a very odd situation for me. It sounds harsh I know, but it absolutely does NOT mean our children are not loved by us
I think it is so good to share the hard parts of being a parent. In Denmark we have ‘mother groups” where 5 new moms in the same neighborhood is put toghether and meets up about once a week to share the experience of motherhood. Some stay in touch for many years because its such an overwelming time in life you are sharing with other new moms. It has really helped me a lot to talk to real life moms going trough the same things as me. No pretty pictures on instagram, just dirty haired, tired eyed mothers like me 🥰
People definitely romanticize parenting especially online. This is a warning for young women who are asked by “boyfriends” let’s have a baby”! Married or single, hands down more times than not the woman WILL be the main caregiver. Women should not be shamed for not being super maternal. Being a parent takes A LOT out of you mentally and physically. You love your child/children, but it definitely changes your life. Let’s not add if they have a disorder like ADD, ADHD, Autism etc. the stress increases 10x more. This is the second video I’ve come across discussing this topic and I’m hoping most are supportive in the comments. 🌹
@@Foodandthoughtcoand maybe you did, but women aren’t provided “safe spaces” particularly when our feelings or opinions goes against what society isn’t accustomed to. We are HUMAN, but I often think many overlook that.
Good on you for making this video, it's a hard thing to come out publicly and say, but also something a lot of people would relate to! I love being at home with my 15m/o daughter and love doing all the domestic home-making stuff, but the thing I struggle with that no one really prepared me for was just how relentless it is. Some days I just want to put a pause on being a parent for a few hours and do some 'me' things- drink a hot coffee undisturbed, read a book, sleep in, work on a project etc etc. It can be tough and it does feel like I have many years ahead of me before I get to have these freedoms back.
I just stumbled across your channel and I'm so thankful that I did. You are a breath of fresh air! I relate to all of what you discussed - literally, every bit of it. I had my son at a very young age. I was 20 years old (26 now) and I always imagined motherhood to be a lot different than the reality of it. So, when it all happened at once and we were sent home from the hospital as a family of 3, I could tell that I wasn't mentally prepared for this journey. Not at all. It's funny how you can convince yourself that motherhood will be so beautiful and easy and that you're completely ready for it... before it even happens. Man, I wish I could go back in time and tell my 20 year old self that I wasn't ready. I didn't realize I wasn't ready until I gave birth. Here we are now, almost 6 years later, and all I can tell you is the challenges of motherhood are always with you, you just learn to accept them with time. You become stronger and better equipped to handle the hard days. Even still, the hard days are still hard. I believe I've had PPD since 2016 when my son was born. I never was treated for it and never was formally diagnosed with it - but I believe I still deal with it today and my boy is almost 6 years old. I'm a mom, I love my kid, but I'm not a "kid person" and I don't enjoy motherhood. Too often than not it feels like a chore that I don't want to do. I find love and light through my kid, but somedays the clouds don't lift and it's hard to see the light/love. It's up and down. Good days and bad days. It's crazy how much your mental health suffers from motherhood - but again, it's different for everyone. Some women really thrive on being mothers. Some are just naturally in their element. But it's just not the same for everyone. It's much, much harder for some mother's to accept this new reality.
This level of honesty is going to make some people very uncomfortable, but it is something I think we do need to talk about. I have always been very maternal, and tried to have a baby for 7 years. I do love being a mom, but I saw a lot of myself and heard a lot of my own brutal truths in this video. I found myself uncomfortable for a short time listening to this, but then quickly realized the level of discomfort came directly from seeing things about myself that are sometimes painful to see. If you are met with any animosity for this video, please know that is why. People don’t want to be revealed hard truths about themselves. What you said, I believe, is the most brutal struggle of motherhood. Most of us are raised with little control over our own lives, we grow up and gain it for a time until we decide to have kids, then it moves back to feeling even less control over our own activities and interests than we did as kids. It took a lot of self awareness and self acceptance to record and hit the upload button for this video, I’m sure. Best of luck always. Keep doing what you do best. Your videos have kept me going in the toughest of times as a new mother.
Some of us actually love being mothers though. I think she struggles with what we’re told our whole lives that we can have it all that we can be ambitious and have careers and goals and hobbies and friends and a family with children. Unfortunately the only way that’s possible is paying someone else to raise your kids. And stay at home moms are thought of as less than and less important than childless women with careers. Society doesn’t see being a good mother as an accomplishment (but it definitely is)
OMG I thought the same thing the other day… like what am I a kid here? Why do I have to sneak a snack? Why can’t I take a shower for as long as I please? Am I not a grown up?? My independence as an adult lasted about 10 years. Now here we are. When will it be returning??
I had my child early (22, I’m 25 now) I barely had any control over anything in my life growing up (old school Jamaican parents will let you know how much of a child you are and they are the adults…so that means CHILDREN HAVE ZERO say in anything) I feel like I finally got to control my life and myself and having a baby I lost it all over again. I felt like I had a few short years of just myself and I always describe it as taking off one chain from your parents & putting on another when you have children. Thank you for this comment and not making people feel trash for being honest about the constant, insurmountable load of work and stress it is to be a parent, especially the “default” parent.
I've waited pretty late in my life (I'm 39) to have kids because I wasn't ready to give up my free time. I finally decided the time was right last year and gave birth a few months ago. I thought I was prepared for how much of my time I would lose, but I was not at all! Mine is still a baby, and I already feel like I don't have much more independence to give! That being said, though, I keep telling myself that this is a season that will pass as he gets older, and that I'll even look back and miss the precious baby that he was, and the precious toddler that he was, etc.
I am also an older mom (36 when she was born) and I am glad i waited that long as I really do feel the lose of freedom and am so glad I had all those years to myself to travel, etc
I hear you. I am an older mum, too, got pregnant as a surprise at 40 after a stillbirth at 32 that had totally devastasted me and left me never wanting kids again. And then my boy came. It was exhilarating, I felt I had won the lottery out of the blue. But I am still independent and ambitious, and the baby age was so unexpectedly hard. However, as soon as he entered toddlerhood, it got so much better for me. He talks, he walks, he makes me laugh, and when he goes next door alone for a few minutes, I don't have to fear he'll die :-). And he can play solo for about half an hour (at just 2) while I read. I know that some people find toddlerhood the most challenging. For me, it was definitely the baby age. I guess it's different for everyone - and for every child.
Mine is 2 and half, and I am reallllllly wanting to him to be 3 and go to school but not wanting him to grow that fast😂 II also love my child but I am not ready to give up my free time. Motherhood was not like what I prepared or expected, I am enjoying it but still I am craving my own time.
Ashley. Thank you. 😭 this topic means so much to me. Everything you said hit the nail on the head, from losing freedoms as your child goes from babyhood to toddlerhood all the way to all of these influencers having a ton of kids and not sharing the hard, every day things that come with it. All of that is why my husband and I are considering just stopping with our one son. I love him SO much and would do anything for him, but it has been SO hard. So so hard. And I feel like I totally lost myself up until this point where I’m just now trying to figure out who I am outside of being a mom (17 months PP and just now figuring that out 🤪). So just - thank you. 🖤
My daughter also went through a phase of refusing to nap so we switched the phrasing to “quiet time” and for a number of months we would still do the same nap routine but leave her blinds open a bit so she could see and would give her a few books. Took the pressure off her to sleep and still gave me at least 20-30 mins of time to myself. Some days she would end up napping for a couple hours and other days she would only be content for a short amount of time. We’re still on this schedule (probably started when she was around 2 and now she’s 2.5) and although I don’t love the unpredictable length of time that she will stay in bed, it’s nice knowing I’ll still get a little break in the day! Hope this helps❤️
My daughter is 3 years old and recently stopped napping. On the plus side that usually means she falls asleep at night much easier. She's still in our bed, but that gives me time to watch my shows or work at night if I can stay awake ;)
I feel this, 10000%. I am a mom. Of 2. Under 5! It’s so hard!!! I couldn’t wait for my oldest to be in school. She’s in there now, and going to be in kindergarten already. It flies by. Try to cherish it. ❤️ motherhood is a full time job, thankless, never ending job. It’s so hard.
This kind of feedback about being a mom is good for people to see. I was and still am adjusting to the absolute mind f*ck that is becoming a mom. All the influencers I followed who had kids never once said anything negative about having kids so I thought it would only be a blissful experience and wow that's so wrong. My family never warned me either! I don't thrive off being a mother. Maybe it would be easier if I had other mom friends nearby, someone who knows what I'm going through and doesn't live too far away. I find myself getting frustrated though with mothers because this kind of venting about motherhood is what I want to do and moms I have met talk only positively and I'm just not down to act like I enjoy it all the time :D
I really connect to this video. I have never enjoyed motherhood, either, and I always felt guilty for saying it out loud. I loved being pregnant, and I love my children more than life itself, but parenting has been so hard for me. My oldest is in middle school and discovering who he is and who he wants to be, and that has been a real joy. He’s branching out and we can have real, deep conversations, inside jokes, and shared interests. I look forward to having similar special connections with his younger siblings as they get older, too.
Im pregnant, and my mother the other day was sharing that for 10 years she couldn't sleep with 4 kids.. now she is in a season where is enjoying being with my dad and waiting for grandsons to come.
I really appreciate your videos where the raw emotion is so visible, and ultimately relatable. My son is almost 13 months and I was not ready at all, I loved the baby phase, adored it, and constantly say what I'd give to go back, to when be was a baby and just laid on my chest sleeping, and breastfeeding and content in our bubble. Now he's just so much, he's incredible but a lot, and I am worried about being a toddler mum, it's so different! So thank you for sharing and making me feel like I'm not the only one who toddlerhood hit like a slap in the face! ❤
I feel you on so many points you raise. I just want to add a couple of things: 1. Going to therapy made me realise that I saw my identity only through my career and by unpicking that I realised that my identity is so much more and it made me a better mum because I felt less like a large part of who I am was being sacrificed 2. You don’t have to pick between being stay at home and working, it’s possible to do a bit of both. Maybe work in the evenings or weekends when your husband is home or maybe ask you husband to work 1 day less. Or just pay for 1 day of daycare a week to give you a break… it sounds like you just need a break! Sending love and strength.
Thank you for adding the framework of your career being your identity. This comment really helped. Do you have any other suggestions you learned in therapy?
Please- a person who dont like being a mum shouldnt really get a second child. Thats so ambivalent- none child should feel like tip toeing around that.
All of the feelings you shared are so valid. I have one child, and while that wasn't the plan, my health decided that for me, and while I do struggle with sadness for not being able to have more children (due to emergency hysterectomy at 34), I sometimes feel grateful for it because motherhood is so hard with one, I can't imagine multiple children to care for.
Kudos to you for showing the truth. I was a nanny for 8 years and I really enjoyed those years of my life. I still keep in touch with the families, I worked for the same family for 5 years and I love the kids so much. But it’s hardcore!! It’s so hard, and although it’s not the same, obviously, being a nanny gave me a little bit of the perspective on what it would be like to be a mom. And I chose not to be one. I’m happier than ever with my decision, and I’m glad to see videos like yours online. Moms should not be ashamed of saying being a mom is hard or that they don’t like motherhood. Your son is beautiful btw ❤ God bless your family
I feel the same but I hesitate to talk about it because I'm ashamed. I wanted my kid, I'm able to have kids so I don't want to complain. But it's so freaking hard. I feel like I disappeared when I gave birth. I miss my old life. I miss being able to to the things I love. My kid is everything to me, which is positive and negative at the same time.
As a fellow toddler mom I can relate to what you’re saying. I really like my alone time and I’m always reminding my partner of how much I need that. Sometimes I just wanna watch tv or eat a meal alone. I know it won’t always be like this though. Motherhood is amazing but it’s freaking hard.
This is all so so normal to feel! Of course it’s going to feel overwhelming having to take care of yourself, your children, your home, business, marriage, etc. but especially children. A whole human being! lol. I can definitely agree with you that taking care of a baby is easier than a toddler. It’s like out of nowhere they start to push boundaries, create their own opinions, and gain all this (strong willed) confidence and it’s intimidating for sure! I’m 23 and I have a 4 year old and 10 month old. I’m a sahm + run an art shop at home. I’m an introvert and a huge advocate for alone time. It’s hard not getting that time to myself as much as I would like, but I’ve been able to create a “life routine” that makes it possible to meet the needs of everyone in my family. Throughout the years (4 to be exact lol), I’ve become more patient and learned to enjoy working on goals + projects at a slower pace. As a mother of a 4 year old, I can let you know that with every new age, it gets a little easier and a little harder. You’ll be glad you’ve passed the difficult phases, but you’ll miss the easy ones. It’s truly a roller coaster. You’re doing your best and that’s enough! I appreciated this video.
Wow, your comment was so insightful and helpful in crafting my new life as a new mother. My baby is only four months old and I’m so used to being a busy overachiever but now I can see that I can enjoy the slower pace of projects. Thank you for your comment.
Thank you for the most realistic motherhood video I have stumbled upon on YT! My daughter is 13 mo and she is starting to be a handful and I believe I also hid my postpartum depression under the rug and I am seriously considering talking to a therapist. I find it so hypocritical for parents to sugarcoat their lives with children and not address how exhausting and draining a child can be. Thank you for being so honest!
@Samantha Lake I also thought this month counting was unnecessary, but kids change dramatically from one month to another. The reason why I mention her age in months is so that other moms can have a better idea of her developmental stage, even in terms of care needs. Now, at 17 months of age, she is a very different child.
Thank you for sharing this video! I've been feeling the struggle with Motherhood these days and I feel you hit the nail on the head with so many points. I'm so happy that I'm not alone! Keep posting real content 😀
I feel this so much. I recently did a lot of thinking/reflecting on, and accepting how motherhood has been lately. I love my son so much. I so enjoy the good times and watching him learn and discover. But at the same time it's so so hard. At times much harder than I thought it would be. I've started being more vocal about when I need breaks, and taking advantage of the few people we trust to watch our son. I've also started speaking to a therapist (for ADHD, but she also talks to me about my other struggles), and that has been instrumental in how my mindset has shifted and made the days bearable again (and now I have more enjoyable days that tough days). I'm clinging to the hope that it will continue to get better. As always spot on video and thank you for sharing
For those saying to get help etc with rook so you can get more done… personally I feel as if they’re missing the point. Honestly I feel as a mother to a 14 month old son, I love my son, I just hate the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood. I would love to be a father honestly, but motherhood is full time, and then some. I honestly think I’m too selfish to ever fully love motherhood.
@Solo Traveller what she is saying is she didn’t realize the overwhelming responsibilities until she was in it. This can be any experience, not only parenting. Let’s not shame women for how they feel.
@Solo Traveller yes, even if it doesn’t pertain to me as long as I agree because I AM A WOMAN and you seem to feel privileged to speak on women issues! 🙄
Im a mom of a 8 months old. Is hard. But i realised that motherhood will last a lifetime. And i accepted that after 6 months. And its great now after i accepted that. My life will never be the same, it will be different and that is ok. Acceptance is the key :). Hugs
Thank you for this! So important knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. I fought for so long to have a child too but I can totally relate to this. And it can lead to feeling such guilt and like maybe I shouldn't have been a mother if it doesn't bring me happiness. At the moment it's just hard work, worry and guilt with the occasional few seconds of pure joy. Thanks again for sharing.
I started a flower preservation business on Etsy, and I got it to the point where I could quit my super stressful nursing management job. Then I got pregnant which was such a good thing, but I had terrible nausea and hip pain, so I turned down orders and put the business on the back burner. Then baby arrived (yay!) and she doesn’t sleep. She’s 6 months and still just taking 30 minute naps, so I’m still turning down orders like crazy. It’s so frustrating. I feel like I’ve found myself in my daughter because I’m so in love with her and she’s such a joy, but I’ve lost myself in so many other important ways. I wanted to work from home, but it’s turned into a full time job just taking care of her. I’m thinking a 4 hour daycare a couple of days a week might just be what gives me a little freedom back, but then I feel guilty. It’s so complicated!!!! Thank you for sharing this side of things. It felt like I was alone in missing the freedom!!
I’m so sorry you and others are having a hard time with motherhood! It’s great you’ve created a place to open up some dialogue so others feel less alone in this. My perspective is a little different. You mention losing yourself which I see a lot of people talk about that. And you don’t have the same freedoms etc. I think that happens with getting married as well. You don’t have the same “freedoms” that come from single hood. I think when you become a mom you’re born into a new version of yourself. Like with becoming a wife or husband. We often look at it as losing something instead of that version of your life was great and had its ups and downs too. But this is just a new chapter and should in no way be compared to your “old” life. Trust me I know how exhausting it is. Being in the kitchen for majority of the day etc. is so damn hard. I truly think it’s about perspective though. And yeah the pandemic. Everything has been opened and closed… restrictions always changing. In the summer things were somewhat normal here and I was able to join a moms group that met at a park. It was amazing. Felt like the normal motherhood I always dreamed of. It created a shift in my mentality. Prior to that I had pretty bad PPD/PPA and no one was ever around. It seriously took that and a perspective shift. Since that time I still don’t have visitors or people around besides my husband but somehow I’ve found the joy in the everyday. And knowing my “old” life was good but this life is better. And my me time is different now but that’s what’s so great. I’m learning more about me and who I want to be as a mom. Anyways, sorry for the long comment. I truly feel for all the mamas who struggle and hope you are able to see things in a new way to truly enjoy this new life path. ✨❤️
Exactly, when you start a job for the many ours your are there you also “lose your freedom”.it’s just that people see their children like a prison, instead of a temporary change. People always blame their children for things they cannot do, even with a demanding job doesn’t mean you can do all you want either. If I want to go eat outside, I find a good place that acomodares children’s and go eat there, I was never stopped by her. actually I find my self traveling and wondering around more than when I was alone. I always try to keep our life exciting. ( and she is very imperative) I feel many people just like to blame their shortcomings on them and I also blame the work culture. Also even on the most enjoyable job in the world there are ups and downs. Not every moment is full of joy, that’s normal. Sorry for the rant.
Yes!! It’s all about learning who you are in a new season. This is true for all stages of life. It’s about learning who you are, and who the people you love are, over and and over again. And then figuring out the best way to love them. That’s not to say that it isn’t hard and that there isn’t a learning curve. Perspective really is key. You’re not losing yourself, you just getting to know a new version of yourself. You’re adding onto yourself.
I understand your perspective I say the same thing to myself that it's the natural progression of life when you choose this path. But I still feel this way. You can understand the cause and effect and you can still have those feelings. Changing your perspective doesn't make your life immediately better. You start to look at life through a different lens, but it takes time to see it all and adapt. Especially when it's your first child and you're constantly in this cycle of starting to understand them, starting to adapt your life, and they have a leap and you're where you've started
Thank you for making and sharing this video. I am 34 and have a 7 month old. I was the same as you, never really maternal, didn’t babysit growing up. I always found baby showers awkward to attend as everyone else had a baby or experience so talked about baby products etc that l knew nothing about. My 7 month old had a lot of issues with allergies in the past, it’s all fixed now but it was 2.5 months of trial and error of different formulas along with her screaming in pain for hours on end. That was a whole other world of tough. It’s still tough with her as she is so demanding and gets bored so easily. I see other babies her age who are happy to just “be” but she’s always wanting to be doing something, on the go, be entertained. I love that she is like this but it’s exhausting at the end of the day! I am also like you where l am looking forward to her going to daycare twice a week so l can get back to work. Again, thanks for sharing this video, it had to be said!
I’m trying to own my feelings recently. Like why do I have to feel bad that I want this phase to be over. EVERYONE says “enjoy it now, you’ll miss it later” & “oh just you wait for the teen years,” which I’m sure will suck too… but when my daughter turned 5 & went to Kindergarten… I could breathe… albeit after choking the tears from watching her school bus pull away. But isn’t that the funny thing? It’s strangely all bittersweet. Meanwhile, her brother is now 2 & early on I just would watch the clock all day & countdown to naps. Now he’s becoming more independent & verbal so it’s better & I don’t regret watching the clock like that. It’s just how I could survive. (I may not even want him to go off to Kindergarten like I did my daughter.) But why should I feel bad about those feelings regardless? Right? Sheesh are you my new therapist?? Lol thanks for the honesty.
Thank you for sharing this; it’s truly courageous of you. For the longest time, I thought this was a secret I’d have to keep to myself. I’ve often wondered if it even makes sense to feel such deep love for them yet struggle so much with the realities of motherhood. The toddler years are especially challenging- they need constant attention and seem to interrupt even the simplest tasks. And of course, we understand why; they need to talk and look to us for responses. Cant wait to hear more from you on this topic.
My baby is 11 months at the moment. I understand your sentiment, granted I love being a mum but I've never been a maternal person, never liked babies or younger kids as a kid/teen. But I feel the most fulfilled as a mum compared to all the jobs/careers I've had. I feel like I reached all my goals career wise and now I'm happy being a SAHM. However, I do dislike being a mum in specific situations. Like when I'm sick and I have no choice but to gear up and go even if I feel like I'm going to die. I also don't like motherhood when I don't get sleep, or when they don't sleep! But the rest of the time I'm vibing, but I totally understand your sentiment in these moments. I really love homemaking and cleaning, but I understand how it always feels endless. Ooof I totally understand cooking for your kid for them to turn their nose up lol. I feel you SO HARD. I find that the idea of losing myself is not so accurate as a statement. I feel like this season of life I'm still me, but I'm the mum-me. I feel like I can handle it better knowing that this is just a short time in my life. What's 4-5 years in the grand scheme of 70+ years (hopefully lol). I want another baby soon so that I sort of do the hardest bit all at once, and not feel like I'm starting again if that makes sense.
A few days ago this same thought came to my mind, that I adore my child but dont like being a mom, and then I saw your video and gosh.. Thank you❤️ I can relate everything, from hate cooking to the "used to be an ambitious person" part.. It's hard. But it's good to know that I am not alone. Thank you❤️
I really wish I would’ve made the time to watch this when you first uploaded it but I’m a mom to a 15m old so I never have time to watch videos anymore. That’s one of the many things I dislike about being a mom. I relate so much to everything you said, especially never having those maternal feelings/wanting children until I got married/met the love of my life. I also was infertile and didn’t think I could have children. I was 42 when my miracle was born and I seriously can’t believe I almost missed out on being a mommy cuz it really is so incredibly rewarding, fun, amazing to watch your child grow, and just the greatest journey one can ever go on BUT, it’s also so challenging, draining, consumes your life, you can easily lose your identity, and tests your patience like nothing else ever has. I miss the freedom of doing whatever I want, whenever I wanted to and never having to plan anything. That being said, I so love sharing my life with my husband, planning our future together, and getting to show our daughter the world. Watching life through a child’s eyes is so freaking awesome and really makes you appreciate everything that growing up takes away from you, like that thirst for life, knowledge, and having experiences.
I think it’s hard to love being a mom when you are also trying to do more than just be a mom, if that makes sense. I work part time from home and I’m also a stay at home mom and what helps me is prioritizing my baby. Yes work has to get done, and it will, but if my baby decided to skip a nap, instead of being miserable trying to get him to sleep so I can work, I try to chose to be present in the moment and realize that my baby needs me, he needs me to comfort him and play with him, and that’s what I have to do. Because at the end of the day, we chose to have him, I pumped life into him, I might as well spend time with him. He doesn’t need material things or a highly recognized and successful mom, he just needs his mom’s love.
This video hits me so hard. Mothers are under so much pressure. And it seems like we get judged no matter what we choose to do. Meanwhile, fathers get praised just for doing the bare minimum. It makes mothers feel like we're alone in our struggles....
I dont know if this helps but my husband is from a big family and his mother has said that it was “easier” having more children bc then you don’t have to entertain them they entertain each other and when they are older they can help around the house too all together i dont know if that alleviates some fears of having more children (his from a family of 7 so 5 kids)
That's encouraging for me as a mom of 3 kids (3 year old, 1 year old, and 2 month old). I already see my two oldest play together a lot and I'm so looking forward to all 3 of them being old enough to play together!
Something I’ve been told multiple times is that it gets better - seriously. The older your kids get the more independent they become. You won’t be the primary source for everything. They learn to play on their own, use the bathroom on their own. It takes time, but it does get easier. ~A mom who’s currently struggling with the two-nap stage. 😅
I loved hearing you speak on this topic so honestly.This is the kind of convo I have with my parent mates but then dont see much online so I appreciate your openness so much and this will support many mamas and women considering their choices. I was the opposite of you in the sense that I've been maternal since birth. I wanted kids with all my heart, thought they would be my purpose and complete me, that id adore pregnancy and that I knew my true calling. I then 'had' to wait until 33 to have kids as my partner wasn't ready when i was (in my early mid 20's!). Cue getting pregnant, hating the trying process, sick for 20 weeks straight, massive during pregnancy, super intense unmedicated home birth with a massive baby, postpartum anxiety and a bubba that slept in 3 hr intervals for the first 8 months of life. Its exhausting! I love and i hate motherhood. I loooove my boy with all my heart but wow wow wow this world doesn't give credit to how hard it is to raise good humans
Why are women still sold this lie that motherhood is lovely and amazing and it will complete them, it never does! Atleast I've never heard a woman say it does. We don't expect men to feel that way about being a parent.
@@thelittlehomeaustralia wow thank you so much for your response sis! I am so so happy to hear you are doing well and got the hang of things. Congratulations on your pregnancy! And thank you for your response. It gives me hope. I want a second but I it has been exhausting being a first time mom. Best of luck to you 💜
My kids are 12 (autism), 10 (adhd) and 5. I still struggle with this. I’ve had kids since I was a teenager so I don’t know any different, but I yearn for things to be different. One day, one day
Been struggling to decide having or not. I‘m 37 so my gap is closing. Thank you for being honest it looks hard. I’m still in 90% sure I want to be childfree
This video came out when I was unexpectedly pregnancy and very sick dealing with HG. I was avoiding watching this video because I was honestly so unhappy to be pregnant. We didn’t want kids this early. Now that I’m feeling so much better, I felt like I could watch. I also had a very wonderful career in actuarial science that I had to leave after being so sick for months and I knew I would stay home with my baby. Your video made me feel a lot better because I actually am very maternal and love being a homemaker. I have been having many fears that I won’t like being a mother.
It's so interesting to hear another perspective. For me, the newborn and baby stages were incredibly difficult. My son was colicky, refused to sleep unless he was being held, and overall didn't sleep for longer than an hour or so at a time. I thought I was losing my mind and was very afraid of how I was going to continue. I work away from the home full time and am the main financial provider, so I didn't have a lot of support either. Now that my son is walking and starting to talk and able to sleep I am so much happier and able to enjoy parenthood. I'm actually going to try for a 2nd pregnancy as a single mom by choice now that my son is turning 2. I am hoping for an easy baby this go around since I had such a rough experience with the my son ; )
Why does everyone believe Sarah Therese is living some kind of perfect life? Shes not happy, you can tell. Influencers are just really good at lying because their livelihood depends on it, stop believing them. Ashley is a rare gem, she is honest and kind. Most people aren't like this.
@@BeingBetter if you really watch her videos you see she spends all of her time finding excuses to avoid the kids. She is alone in a room organising or cleaning for hours sometimes with no interruptions. She is visibly annoyed when they talk, especially in the car. She gets very tense and rubs her head. Its just my gut feeling watching her. Compare to Ashley for example, she adores her children.
@@indy2316she homeschools her children and provides them a loving and caring life. She doesn’t hold them on camera and say she hates being a mom in front of them.
I’m 11 minutes in and you’re hitting home. I also cannot wait to have all our of kids and them be in school so I can do the things I love again, when I want! I’m an artist and used to spend every day doing some kind of art and haven’t touched any art supplies in 11 months when baby girl was born. Our lives rotate around them right now. What helps me a little: Imagine 10-15 years into the future where you’ll have so much time again and miss having a small one to run around after. It’s the same feeling of missing the idependence you once had. I know I’ll feel this same way about not having someone to take up all of my time even though it makes me crazy sometimes. I don’t think you’re doing motherhood right if you aren’t losing it sometimes honestly!
I am a mom of a toddler 14 mo. I work full time and my job is demanding mentally. I also don't like motherhood in this phase. It's taxing, demanding in so many ways. I have to transition him to daycare because I don't have family or full time help anymore. I tell myself it's temporary and things will change. Don't give up on dreaming of better days, weeks, months, years
Hi, I just want you to know I'm in the same boat as you (except my son is 1). Something that helped me was working part time only 8 hours a week, and my husband letting me go to the gym, to separate my self from being "just a mom" is so important!!!!
I know most of the comments agree with you, but I personally couldn't disagree more I adore everything about being a mummy. But as a child of a mother who didn't like being a mum it was so so damaging to me, so that's something to think about.
I’m a mom of a 4month old and I run my own manufacturing business. It’s tough but I also live in a country that has affordable full time help and our nanny lives with us and cleans our home everyday. Without the help I’d be very very lost. My husband is also wfh which has really added. I just can’t imagine being a sahm without the help. But cost has been that I never got maternity leave as a business owner and I wish I spent much more time with my baby everyday. So my aim is to build a work life that allows me to be flexible and spend as much time with him as possible especially as we prepare for the 2nd one. Thanks for shining a light as every story is different but one thing is common - it’s a challenge.
I felt this way with my 1st child and didn't realize until I had a second child that what I was going through was post partum depression.. feeling like my life isn't my own anymore and that I actually despised being a mom. It definitely was real and I think it should be acknowledged more so that other first time moms dont think they're alone, BUT I also can see just how much it revealed a selfishness in me that I never knew was so deeply rooted. Having children really exposes your heart and its desires. I think a lot of the moms with multiple kids who look happy actually are happy because they may see this reality- that our free time and our desires are often idols that we dont want to lay down. There is nothing wrong with desiring free time and your own hobbies and stuff, the issue comes when we idolize those things and become angry or frustrated when those things get interrupted or put on the back burner. That's often when our selfishness is revealed, and that's a GOOD thing to reflect on because then we can bring it to God in prayer and He actually helps us become less selfish and more servant-minded. I am by NO means perfect in this, its just something that I've learned the past 3 years being a mom of now 3 little kids. I'm grateful for honest moms, I think we should definitely talk about this truth of motherhood being extremely difficult BUT we have to fight against making it acceptable to "hate motherhood" but "love our children". They should go hand in hand ❤ if we love our kids we ought to love what's best for them and love to make that happen in the journey of motherhood. I'm not saying it's easy! It's not, I still have such a hard time with this. But its definitely possible and we should take courage in that. Let's keep encouraging eachother as moms to see the good and be thankful! That doesn't mean you ignore the bad and pretend it's all rainbows and sunshine but it also doesnt mean sitting in that unhappiness and accepting it as "okay". I hope this makes sense and doesn't come across the wrong way. I'm struggling with all of the things mentioned in the video and by no means have motherhood figured out!
This is a lovely sentiment-but not accurate for everyone. I have 2 children and have been a mom for over 10 years and feel this way. I am grateful for my children, but being a mother does not fulfill every woman. I am more than a mother and struggle with the dichotomy daily. It takes more than prayer.
@@RedUmbrellaMama this is because being a mother is not supposed to fulfill you.. only God can do that and we put that expectation on things that aren't meant to fulfill us (I did this with my marriage as well and ended up disappointed and angry for the first 6 years). I agree it takes more than prayer, it also takes having good community and daily practice and grace for ourselves when we dont hit the mark (which is all the time). So we actually agree with eachother :)
@@RedUmbrellaMama the struggle doesnt go away, I apologize if i gave off the impression that i dont struggle too. But it does become easier to serve others and more enjoyable over time. It shouldn't be getting worse and worse or remain stagnant. This is good news! Just trying to encourage thats all. We arent "stuck" no matter how much it feels that way ❤
You call a spade a spade. As a society we are taught to idolize ambition and independence and selfishness. No one in school teaches us to idolize stay at home motherhood. No one outside of my family thinks highly of me for being a stay at home mother. We are taught to feel like we are losing out on something when we have children but in reality we are gaining something more fulfilling. Nothing worth having comes easy.
@@LadyAndieJane yes! Same here, I've been looked down upon for the decision to stay home with my children and even been asked why dont I go to college so I can help my husband make money 😳 I got a "oh no" from my own mother when I announced my second pregnancy instead of a "congratulations". We really are taught that this is such a dreadful thing to be a mom...
I feel the same. My husband and i are about you and Josh's age, we never wanted kids, but then decided to give it a shot. Though they do say that the more kids you have the easier it gets because the kids then have each other and don't rely on mom as much. But my husband and i have decided we are good with our one child. She just turned 1 and my husband just had a vasectomy HAHA!! I'm not the maternal or homemaker type either. But i am learning and every little victory makes me feel like I'm getting better at it!!
Thanks for sharing! I feel similar to you. I thought I would want to be a stay at home mom but now I think I might like to work part time. And I felt really sad about not loving being a mom. I hope you can find ways to make it easier for you. Like you said, it's just for a few years and then you'll have kids for life. ❤ Worth it!
Also I read one comment that said that this level of honesty is going to make some uncomfortable - and that’s SO true. It’ll make people uncomfortable, but we NEED to talk about this. This isn’t just a “get some help with rook”, “change your perspective”, “be grateful you even have a child” kind of thing. So thank you for being brave and sharing this!
I literally teared up watching this. What you said is exactly how I am feeling. My husband and I both feel this. Right now we are working pretty much opposite schedules, so our lives are either working - or being on our own with our two kids. Our kids are three and a half and 9 months so it is a lot! We love them so much, but the ages they are at is so much work! I will say my older child is getting much easier, right as my younger child is entering the difficult stage. 😂 From what I can tell about 1 and a half to 3 is pretty rough - but after that it seems to get easier! You are not alone in this even if it feels like it🤍 I think every stage of parenting comes with ups and downs, I’m just excited for when my kids are old enough to get out of the car by themselves and actually be able to walk into places without me carrying one of them and holding on to the other ones hand 😂 I am trying to cherish every single stage, and remind myself how much I’m going to miss it! But it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
How is life for you now? Did you like the age gap between your two children? I have one and I am sooooo unsure about adding another and adding more difficulty in the “very hands on” years.
I think you like being a mum but you just need a break. You clearly don't have work-life balance. If you can afford it, send your son to nursery/daycare some hours a week. It will give you time to work, and it will help him too to socialise with other kids.
It's so comforting to hear that my toddler is not the only one skipping the daily nap. Everyone I talk to about it stares at me like something is wrong with me or my child. Granted, since daycare started, sleep is starting to get back in the schedule. At least Monday to Friday.. Weekends are still a struggle.
I can so relate to this video. I am an older mom (had kids in my early to mid 30s). They are 8 and nearly 5 now and it gets easier. They have each other to play with and for the most part, they are great buddies. Our eldest is starting to prepare her own simple meals and they can both help out with basic pick up and tidying their rooms, which is all I ask for them in regard to chores around the home until they are older. I also hate cooking. Before kids, I never cooked! I lived off of sandwiches, salads, soups, yogurt, fruit. Nowadays, I don't mind cooking as much as I've had to do it for other people for nearly a decade. I find you just kind of get into a groove. What I find helps is building your own recipe plan that is comprised of your go-to meals everyone likes and you work on expanding it as time goes on. I recently got my kids into spinach salad and chili; my daughter has started to eat more and more veggies too. I basically offer my kids as many fruits and veggies as they will eat in the day, however they will eats them (cooked or raw) and I just don't worry about it as much anymore!!! They get better at eating as they age. I also am not a home-school mom, and would only do it if our situation forced us to do so. I've even considered a micro-school which is basically paying an educator to educate your kids in much smaller groups. I think actually going to school is important in terms of the child building their own sense of autonomy away from mom and dad. One last thing I will say, is get help, and get it frequently if you need it.
I would urge you to think about sending Rook to daycare :) He's at the age je would really gain a lot from interacting with other kids + you have time to focus on you and your work, and be a more energetic happy mom for him when he gets home. Me and my kids really enjoy that structure (they go to daycare 3 days a week, are 1 and almost 3 years old)
I had to mourn my independence after having my baby. Then I had serious mom-guilt for doing so. I wish I knew other moms felt the same… it would have made that transition a bit easier.
I completely feel you. I never wanted kids and then when I had cervical cancer and thought I might have to get a hysterectomy I started to think about not having the ability to do it and it kinda made me want too. So when the cancer was clear and I didn't have to have it all removed I had my first child and it was okay I could manage for the most part my normal life. Then my second kid was a surprise and it's been really difficult I went from working with my 1st in preschool or daycare to being a stay at home mom bc I can't find a job that has the hours that I need to work with the oldest school schedule and daycares are hard to find a spot for before and after school plus all day for the baby so I feel like I've lost any part of my identity. I'm 24/7 mom now and it kinda sucks.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have just over 1 1/2 months of my maternity leave left and I can't wait to go back to work and for her to be in daycare. I love my daughter so much but the daily grind of caring for a child with no other mental stimulation is really taxing and boring, especially during covid. I know for me joining local mom groups on facebook helped so much to connect with other moms going through the same thing.
So relate to you! Hate cooking, hate lack of freedom, love interior design, but have three of those boys! Same with no eating the meal you put your last energy into! Hate it
OMG completely agree in so many way! Not into constant cleaning and cooking, don't see the point of daycare- so expensive and basically paying someone else to raise my child! My dreams and goals are just on hold... Totally empathize and all of your feelings are normal.
Totally relatable. I never felt maternal and then had a kid and heard it was tough but I feel I didn't really understand until I had my baby. I have so many things I want to do. Also annoyed that I'm on maternity leave for a year and can't even go anywhere because of covid. So frusterating.
100% agree. I have a 13 year old. We had just gotten back to a place where we could sleep in, go on a date. She had a social life. Life was awesome. Then surprise...baby 2 comes. We have started back over. Baby 1 was awesome. She slept amazing, she went where I went, she was perfectly fine alone, she rarely cried. Baby 2 has been soooo hard. She was incredibly needy as a newborn. She is now 15 months and still won't nap alone. She won't sleep in her own bed. I can't sleep any longer than she does. I 100% adore my girls but I do not always like being a mom. I would trade any of it for anything.
I totally relate to a lot of what you said, I'm a toddler mom too. But you shouldn't have filmed this with rook in your lap/in the room. Toddlers can understand a lot more than we realize and internalize it too, without the tools to understand that we still love them.
I used to babysit my sister’s babies but it totally different from from having a child, and I totally get what you talking about as a first time mom the hardship and joy you get from them are priceless, sometimes i feel so low,cry,and want to be alone but you can’t ,in the same time i don’t hate my child i love her the most but you want a time for yourself and you can’t get it , stay strong I believe its only a matter of time 💜
Hey, I now following you quite some time. I can really relate to this feeling… its ordinary for people whit a platform to speak out about this. Thank you, it makes a difference❤️
I feel you. My son is 9 months and sleep has been pretty much nonexistent since he came and it has affected every part of our life. My husband and have tried everything but nothing seem to get our son to sleep without waking up every other hour. I have developed anxiety and sleeping issues from months of sleeplessness. For me the baby phase has been a nightmare. I’m really hoping that the toddler phase will be a game changer. 😅
Have you tried getting any help from baby sleep experts? I've known quite a few mums to go through similar sleepless phases and it's always important if you can to reach out to professionals for support. Wishing you all the best and some good zzzzz's soon
I think that’s the blessing about having kids later in life, like I know what it’s like to have “freedom” and it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be- I just spent so much time feeling sad I didn’t have a child and feeling the huge hole of that. I am soooo happy now that I have my daughter - I want her to take my time- nothing else in life compares to this. BUT I do really hand it to single moms- that’s gotta be so hard….but with an involved partner it’s great- at least with just one kid!
Is it ok to have your small child listening to you talk about this? It's good to talk about it, but not within earshot of your children, even if they're only small.
To be fair, the child has no idea what she is talking about at this level of using language. Especially talking about concepts. And also, it's important either way to have these conversations in front of the kids. (This style and this situation, meaning in my eyes she said nothing that was actually something a child this age shouldn't hear.)
All my life I wanted to be a mom. Didn’t want a career, didn’t really think anything was as important. So when my daughter was born and I found it so hard, I felt horrible about myself. Ungrateful, guilty, undeserving. I hated that I didn’t have any time to myself: even when someone’s looking after her, I’m still worrying about her and cleaning up after her. I took so many things for granted before and had it so easy and didn’t even appreciate it. She’s still a baby and I’m enjoying motherhood more and more as she gets older and develops her personality. I’ll love it when she can talk. I’ll probably hate it when she’s running around and I have to make sure the house is safe and can’t let her out of my sight 😅 but I’m slowly learning that everything’s a phase and that despite the shit (and there is a lot of shit 😂), there are little things to appreciate and enjoy in each stage.
Toddlers life is hard work! Most stages are hard work, most things in life worth while are hard work, but doesn’t change how challenging it can be, get some help, even a babysitter for 2hrs a week, childcare can be very expensive but it’s worth trying to budget for a tiny amount.
As someone who has chosen not to have kids, I truly appreciate how honest and transparent you are. I think a lot of times people romanticize parenthood and get caught up in that and don't realize how hard it is. My husband and I initially thought we wanted kids because that's what society teaches you to want, but we ended up deciding it wasn't for us for many different reasons.
I love this comment. I realized that too. Society encourages having kids so I don't know how I feel about them
Been trying to figure out that for our couple also, without the pressure of family and society. How you where 100% sure with your decision? I’m in the 90% sure I want to be childfree right now. But I'm 37 so my chances are ending and I just question my decision everyday i don't want to regret it
@@perlah8407 it happened gradually over time where I became more and more certain. I decided I'd rather take the risk in regretting not having kids vs regretting having them.
@@perlah8407 better to regret not having one than having one and regretting it. You could even adopt later or foster or just enjoy life without a child/children.
Do you❤
The teenage years were the most difficult for my motherhood journey. Teens have a mind of their own, but you are still responsible for them. It’s tough.
My son started going to daycare one day a week at 15 months old and that helped my mental health tremendously. I could go on a hike with my puppy, take a nap, or simply get things done without being interrupted every two seconds. He loves being there too and gets loads of social interaction, so for us it has really been a win/win situation.
Absolutely🎉🎉🎉🎉
Motherhood is hard. Especially when the narrative is that we can "have it all" - which is just not possible. I always say, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once. However I just want to share that my little one is about to turn 4 and I am getting lots of those freedoms back that you lose when they enter toddlerhood. We're homeschooling him so it's not like he's at daycare or anything - it's just that going out and about is heaps more fun and relaxing, and when at home he can play independently for stretches of time. I'm not trying to minimise your hardships (or anyone else's), but please know it gets better.
This is so encouraging ❤️
I needed to hear that thanks, I'm a single mum to a toddler and yea it's hard x
Encouraging comment! Thank you 🙏 ❤
Oh my gosh YES! A few years changes so much. I have a 9 & 5 year old now. It feels like yesterday and also many moons ago. Congrats moms on each day!
SAME! I’m so happy I found this. Motherhood was never meant for me. I was never a kid person growing up and I always told my partners I never wanted children. At 29 I had my first child. Who I love more than anything and he is very well taken care of. But motherhood, isn’t for me. I never talk about my son. I never join mom groups or even try to relate with co workers with children my sons age. I know I’m very blessed, and thankful. It’s a very odd situation for me. It sounds harsh I know, but it absolutely does NOT mean our children are not loved by us
I think it is so good to share the hard parts of being a parent.
In Denmark we have ‘mother groups” where 5 new moms in the same neighborhood is put toghether and meets up about once a week to share the experience of motherhood. Some stay in touch for many years because its such an overwelming time in life you are sharing with other new moms.
It has really helped me a lot to talk to real life moms going trough the same things as me. No pretty pictures on instagram, just dirty haired, tired eyed mothers like me 🥰
People definitely romanticize parenting especially online. This is a warning for young women who are asked by “boyfriends” let’s have a baby”! Married or single, hands down more times than not the woman WILL be the main caregiver. Women should not be shamed for not being super maternal. Being a parent takes A LOT out of you mentally and physically. You love your child/children, but it definitely changes your life. Let’s not add if they have a disorder like ADD, ADHD, Autism etc. the stress increases 10x more. This is the second video I’ve come across discussing this topic and I’m hoping most are supportive in the comments. 🌹
I made a video like this and both comments so far are slamming me. Maybe I didn’t get my message out 100% correctly.
@@Foodandthoughtcoand maybe you did, but women aren’t provided “safe spaces” particularly when our feelings or opinions goes against what society isn’t accustomed to. We are HUMAN, but I often think many overlook that.
@@kimberly0717 they truly do. I appreciate you sharing your struggles and views. You’re helping so many moms with it. 🤍
Hard is an understatement. There’s no word to describe this type of pain
Exactly
Good on you for making this video, it's a hard thing to come out publicly and say, but also something a lot of people would relate to! I love being at home with my 15m/o daughter and love doing all the domestic home-making stuff, but the thing I struggle with that no one really prepared me for was just how relentless it is. Some days I just want to put a pause on being a parent for a few hours and do some 'me' things- drink a hot coffee undisturbed, read a book, sleep in, work on a project etc etc. It can be tough and it does feel like I have many years ahead of me before I get to have these freedoms back.
I just stumbled across your channel and I'm so thankful that I did. You are a breath of fresh air! I relate to all of what you discussed - literally, every bit of it. I had my son at a very young age. I was 20 years old (26 now) and I always imagined motherhood to be a lot different than the reality of it. So, when it all happened at once and we were sent home from the hospital as a family of 3, I could tell that I wasn't mentally prepared for this journey. Not at all. It's funny how you can convince yourself that motherhood will be so beautiful and easy and that you're completely ready for it... before it even happens. Man, I wish I could go back in time and tell my 20 year old self that I wasn't ready. I didn't realize I wasn't ready until I gave birth. Here we are now, almost 6 years later, and all I can tell you is the challenges of motherhood are always with you, you just learn to accept them with time. You become stronger and better equipped to handle the hard days. Even still, the hard days are still hard. I believe I've had PPD since 2016 when my son was born. I never was treated for it and never was formally diagnosed with it - but I believe I still deal with it today and my boy is almost 6 years old. I'm a mom, I love my kid, but I'm not a "kid person" and I don't enjoy motherhood. Too often than not it feels like a chore that I don't want to do. I find love and light through my kid, but somedays the clouds don't lift and it's hard to see the light/love. It's up and down. Good days and bad days. It's crazy how much your mental health suffers from motherhood - but again, it's different for everyone. Some women really thrive on being mothers. Some are just naturally in their element. But it's just not the same for everyone. It's much, much harder for some mother's to accept this new reality.
This level of honesty is going to make some people very uncomfortable, but it is something I think we do need to talk about. I have always been very maternal, and tried to have a baby for 7 years. I do love being a mom, but I saw a lot of myself and heard a lot of my own brutal truths in this video. I found myself uncomfortable for a short time listening to this, but then quickly realized the level of discomfort came directly from seeing things about myself that are sometimes painful to see. If you are met with any animosity for this video, please know that is why. People don’t want to be revealed hard truths about themselves.
What you said, I believe, is the most brutal struggle of motherhood. Most of us are raised with little control over our own lives, we grow up and gain it for a time until we decide to have kids, then it moves back to feeling even less control over our own activities and interests than we did as kids. It took a lot of self awareness and self acceptance to record and hit the upload button for this video, I’m sure. Best of luck always. Keep doing what you do best. Your videos have kept me going in the toughest of times as a new mother.
Some of us actually love being mothers though. I think she struggles with what we’re told our whole lives that we can have it all that we can be ambitious and have careers and goals and hobbies and friends and a family with children. Unfortunately the only way that’s possible is paying someone else to raise your kids. And stay at home moms are thought of as less than and less important than childless women with careers. Society doesn’t see being a good mother as an accomplishment (but it definitely is)
@@LadyAndieJane This! Society definitely doesn’t view being a stay at home mom and raising your children as being successful, which is so sad.
OMG I thought the same thing the other day… like what am I a kid here? Why do I have to sneak a snack? Why can’t I take a shower for as long as I please? Am I not a grown up?? My independence as an adult lasted about 10 years. Now here we are. When will it be returning??
I had my child early (22, I’m 25 now) I barely had any control over anything in my life growing up (old school Jamaican parents will let you know how much of a child you are and they are the adults…so that means CHILDREN HAVE ZERO say in anything) I feel like I finally got to control my life and myself and having a baby I lost it all over again. I felt like I had a few short years of just myself and I always describe it as taking off one chain from your parents & putting on another when you have children. Thank you for this comment and not making people feel trash for being honest about the constant, insurmountable load of work and stress it is to be a parent, especially the “default” parent.
I've waited pretty late in my life (I'm 39) to have kids because I wasn't ready to give up my free time. I finally decided the time was right last year and gave birth a few months ago. I thought I was prepared for how much of my time I would lose, but I was not at all! Mine is still a baby, and I already feel like I don't have much more independence to give! That being said, though, I keep telling myself that this is a season that will pass as he gets older, and that I'll even look back and miss the precious baby that he was, and the precious toddler that he was, etc.
I am also an older mom (36 when she was born) and I am glad i waited that long as I really do feel the lose of freedom and am so glad I had all those years to myself to travel, etc
I hear you. I am an older mum, too, got pregnant as a surprise at 40 after a stillbirth at 32 that had totally devastasted me and left me never wanting kids again. And then my boy came. It was exhilarating, I felt I had won the lottery out of the blue. But I am still independent and ambitious, and the baby age was so unexpectedly hard. However, as soon as he entered toddlerhood, it got so much better for me. He talks, he walks, he makes me laugh, and when he goes next door alone for a few minutes, I don't have to fear he'll die :-). And he can play solo for about half an hour (at just 2) while I read. I know that some people find toddlerhood the most challenging. For me, it was definitely the baby age. I guess it's different for everyone - and for every child.
Mine is 2 and half, and I am reallllllly wanting to him to be 3 and go to school but not wanting him to grow that fast😂 II also love my child but I am not ready to give up my free time. Motherhood was not like what I prepared or expected, I am enjoying it but still I am craving my own time.
Any updates from anyone? How’s life?
I’m 2 weeks into motherhood and I know I don’t want anymore. I love my baby so much but I don’t see myself doing this again.
Ashley. Thank you. 😭 this topic means so much to me. Everything you said hit the nail on the head, from losing freedoms as your child goes from babyhood to toddlerhood all the way to all of these influencers having a ton of kids and not sharing the hard, every day things that come with it.
All of that is why my husband and I are considering just stopping with our one son. I love him SO much and would do anything for him, but it has been SO hard. So so hard. And I feel like I totally lost myself up until this point where I’m just now trying to figure out who I am outside of being a mom (17 months PP and just now figuring that out 🤪).
So just - thank you. 🖤
My daughter also went through a phase of refusing to nap so we switched the phrasing to “quiet time” and for a number of months we would still do the same nap routine but leave her blinds open a bit so she could see and would give her a few books. Took the pressure off her to sleep and still gave me at least 20-30 mins of time to myself. Some days she would end up napping for a couple hours and other days she would only be content for a short amount of time. We’re still on this schedule (probably started when she was around 2 and now she’s 2.5) and although I don’t love the unpredictable length of time that she will stay in bed, it’s nice knowing I’ll still get a little break in the day! Hope this helps❤️
This is such a great idea! Going to try this with my 3 year old
My daughter is 3 years old and recently stopped napping. On the plus side that usually means she falls asleep at night much easier. She's still in our bed, but that gives me time to watch my shows or work at night if I can stay awake ;)
I feel this, 10000%. I am a mom. Of 2. Under 5! It’s so hard!!! I couldn’t wait for my oldest to be in school. She’s in there now, and going to be in kindergarten already. It flies by. Try to cherish it. ❤️ motherhood is a full time job, thankless, never ending job. It’s so hard.
I'm glad I remained to stay childfree. I am not fit to become a mother so kudos to those who are undertaking the responsibility to be a mom
This kind of feedback about being a mom is good for people to see. I was and still am adjusting to the absolute mind f*ck that is becoming a mom. All the influencers I followed who had kids never once said anything negative about having kids so I thought it would only be a blissful experience and wow that's so wrong. My family never warned me either! I don't thrive off being a mother. Maybe it would be easier if I had other mom friends nearby, someone who knows what I'm going through and doesn't live too far away. I find myself getting frustrated though with mothers because this kind of venting about motherhood is what I want to do and moms I have met talk only positively and I'm just not down to act like I enjoy it all the time :D
How have things progressed for you?
I really connect to this video. I have never enjoyed motherhood, either, and I always felt guilty for saying it out loud. I loved being pregnant, and I love my children more than life itself, but parenting has been so hard for me. My oldest is in middle school and discovering who he is and who he wants to be, and that has been a real joy. He’s branching out and we can have real, deep conversations, inside jokes, and shared interests. I look forward to having similar special connections with his younger siblings as they get older, too.
Im pregnant, and my mother the other day was sharing that for 10 years she couldn't sleep with 4 kids.. now she is in a season where is enjoying being with my dad and waiting for grandsons to come.
I really appreciate your videos where the raw emotion is so visible, and ultimately relatable. My son is almost 13 months and I was not ready at all, I loved the baby phase, adored it, and constantly say what I'd give to go back, to when be was a baby and just laid on my chest sleeping, and breastfeeding and content in our bubble. Now he's just so much, he's incredible but a lot, and I am worried about being a toddler mum, it's so different! So thank you for sharing and making me feel like I'm not the only one who toddlerhood hit like a slap in the face! ❤
I feel you on so many points you raise. I just want to add a couple of things: 1. Going to therapy made me realise that I saw my identity only through my career and by unpicking that I realised that my identity is so much more and it made me a better mum because I felt less like a large part of who I am was being sacrificed 2. You don’t have to pick between being stay at home and working, it’s possible to do a bit of both. Maybe work in the evenings or weekends when your husband is home or maybe ask you husband to work 1 day less. Or just pay for 1 day of daycare a week to give you a break… it sounds like you just need a break! Sending love and strength.
Thank you for adding the framework of your career being your identity. This comment really helped. Do you have any other suggestions you learned in therapy?
Please- a person who dont like being a mum shouldnt really get a second child. Thats so ambivalent- none child should feel like tip toeing around that.
All of the feelings you shared are so valid. I have one child, and while that wasn't the plan, my health decided that for me, and while I do struggle with sadness for not being able to have more children (due to emergency hysterectomy at 34), I sometimes feel grateful for it because motherhood is so hard with one, I can't imagine multiple children to care for.
Kudos to you for showing the truth. I was a nanny for 8 years and I really enjoyed those years of my life. I still keep in touch with the families, I worked for the same family for 5 years and I love the kids so much. But it’s hardcore!! It’s so hard, and although it’s not the same, obviously, being a nanny gave me a little bit of the perspective on what it would be like to be a mom. And I chose not to be one. I’m happier than ever with my decision, and I’m glad to see videos like yours online. Moms should not be ashamed of saying being a mom is hard or that they don’t like motherhood. Your son is beautiful btw ❤ God bless your family
I feel the same but I hesitate to talk about it because I'm ashamed. I wanted my kid, I'm able to have kids so I don't want to complain. But it's so freaking hard. I feel like I disappeared when I gave birth. I miss my old life. I miss being able to to the things I love. My kid is everything to me, which is positive and negative at the same time.
As a fellow toddler mom I can relate to what you’re saying. I really like my alone time and I’m always reminding my partner of how much I need that. Sometimes I just wanna watch tv or eat a meal alone. I know it won’t always be like this though. Motherhood is amazing but it’s freaking hard.
This is all so so normal to feel! Of course it’s going to feel overwhelming having to take care of yourself, your children, your home, business, marriage, etc. but especially children. A whole human being! lol. I can definitely agree with you that taking care of a baby is easier than a toddler. It’s like out of nowhere they start to push boundaries, create their own opinions, and gain all this (strong willed) confidence and it’s intimidating for sure! I’m 23 and I have a 4 year old and 10 month old. I’m a sahm + run an art shop at home. I’m an introvert and a huge advocate for alone time. It’s hard not getting that time to myself as much as I would like, but I’ve been able to create a “life routine” that makes it possible to meet the needs of everyone in my family. Throughout the years (4 to be exact lol), I’ve become more patient and learned to enjoy working on goals + projects at a slower pace.
As a mother of a 4 year old, I can let you know that with every new age, it gets a little easier and a little harder. You’ll be glad you’ve passed the difficult phases, but you’ll miss the easy ones. It’s truly a roller coaster. You’re doing your best and that’s enough! I appreciated this video.
Wow, your comment was so insightful and helpful in crafting my new life as a new mother. My baby is only four months old and I’m so used to being a busy overachiever but now I can see that I can enjoy the slower pace of projects. Thank you for your comment.
I'm grateful for your words and making this video. It feels like 'you just sat down in what little spare time you have to call a friend.'
Can I just say how brave you are? Thank you.
Thank you for the most realistic motherhood video I have stumbled upon on YT! My daughter is 13 mo and she is starting to be a handful and I believe I also hid my postpartum depression under the rug and I am seriously considering talking to a therapist. I find it so hypocritical for parents to sugarcoat their lives with children and not address how exhausting and draining a child can be. Thank you for being so honest!
So, she's 1 year old?! Why do y'all say 13 months like it's not a year old. Annoying lol
@Samantha Lake I also thought this month counting was unnecessary, but kids change dramatically from one month to another. The reason why I mention her age in months is so that other moms can have a better idea of her developmental stage, even in terms of care needs. Now, at 17 months of age, she is a very different child.
Thank you for sharing this video! I've been feeling the struggle with Motherhood these days and I feel you hit the nail on the head with so many points. I'm so happy that I'm not alone! Keep posting real content 😀
I feel this so much. I recently did a lot of thinking/reflecting on, and accepting how motherhood has been lately. I love my son so much. I so enjoy the good times and watching him learn and discover. But at the same time it's so so hard. At times much harder than I thought it would be. I've started being more vocal about when I need breaks, and taking advantage of the few people we trust to watch our son. I've also started speaking to a therapist (for ADHD, but she also talks to me about my other struggles), and that has been instrumental in how my mindset has shifted and made the days bearable again (and now I have more enjoyable days that tough days). I'm clinging to the hope that it will continue to get better. As always spot on video and thank you for sharing
For those saying to get help etc with rook so you can get more done… personally I feel as if they’re missing the point. Honestly I feel as a mother to a 14 month old son, I love my son, I just hate the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood. I would love to be a father honestly, but motherhood is full time, and then some. I honestly think I’m too selfish to ever fully love motherhood.
I feel like my kid’s dad is an equal parent personally.
@Solo Traveller what she is saying is she didn’t realize the overwhelming responsibilities until she was in it. This can be any experience, not only parenting. Let’s not shame women for how they feel.
@Solo Traveller no one’s excited over here, not sure what to calm down from 🤷🏻♀️
@Solo Traveller yes, even if it doesn’t pertain to me as long as I agree because I AM A WOMAN and you seem to feel privileged to speak on women issues! 🙄
@Solo Traveller academia? Please stop arguing with women online in our spaces and find something masculine to do!
Im a mom of a 8 months old. Is hard. But i realised that motherhood will last a lifetime. And i accepted that after 6 months. And its great now after i accepted that. My life will never be the same, it will be different and that is ok. Acceptance is the key :). Hugs
Thank you for this! So important knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. I fought for so long to have a child too but I can totally relate to this. And it can lead to feeling such guilt and like maybe I shouldn't have been a mother if it doesn't bring me happiness. At the moment it's just hard work, worry and guilt with the occasional few seconds of pure joy. Thanks again for sharing.
I started a flower preservation business on Etsy, and I got it to the point where I could quit my super stressful nursing management job. Then I got pregnant which was such a good thing, but I had terrible nausea and hip pain, so I turned down orders and put the business on the back burner. Then baby arrived (yay!) and she doesn’t sleep. She’s 6 months and still just taking 30 minute naps, so I’m still turning down orders like crazy. It’s so frustrating. I feel like I’ve found myself in my daughter because I’m so in love with her and she’s such a joy, but I’ve lost myself in so many other important ways. I wanted to work from home, but it’s turned into a full time job just taking care of her. I’m thinking a 4 hour daycare a couple of days a week might just be what gives me a little freedom back, but then I feel guilty. It’s so complicated!!!! Thank you for sharing this side of things. It felt like I was alone in missing the freedom!!
I’m so sorry you and others are having a hard time with motherhood! It’s great you’ve created a place to open up some dialogue so others feel less alone in this.
My perspective is a little different. You mention losing yourself which I see a lot of people talk about that. And you don’t have the same freedoms etc. I think that happens with getting married as well. You don’t have the same “freedoms” that come from single hood. I think when you become a mom you’re born into a new version of yourself. Like with becoming a wife or husband. We often look at it as losing something instead of that version of your life was great and had its ups and downs too. But this is just a new chapter and should in no way be compared to your “old” life. Trust me I know how exhausting it is. Being in the kitchen for majority of the day etc. is so damn hard. I truly think it’s about perspective though. And yeah the pandemic. Everything has been opened and closed… restrictions always changing. In the summer things were somewhat normal here and I was able to join a moms group that met at a park. It was amazing. Felt like the normal motherhood I always dreamed of. It created a shift in my mentality. Prior to that I had pretty bad PPD/PPA and no one was ever around. It seriously took that and a perspective shift. Since that time I still don’t have visitors or people around besides my husband but somehow I’ve found the joy in the everyday. And knowing my “old” life was good but this life is better. And my me time is different now but that’s what’s so great. I’m learning more about me and who I want to be as a mom. Anyways, sorry for the long comment. I truly feel for all the mamas who struggle and hope you are able to see things in a new way to truly enjoy this new life path. ✨❤️
Thank you for this, I love your perspective
Exactly, when you start a job for the many ours your are there you also “lose your freedom”.it’s just that people see their children like a prison, instead of a temporary change.
People always blame their children for things they cannot do, even with a demanding job doesn’t mean you can do all you want either.
If I want to go eat outside, I find a good place that acomodares children’s and go eat there, I was never stopped by her. actually I find my self traveling and wondering around more than when I was alone. I always try to keep our life exciting. ( and she is very imperative)
I feel many people just like to blame their shortcomings on them and I also blame the work culture.
Also even on the most enjoyable job in the world there are ups and downs. Not every moment is full of joy, that’s normal.
Sorry for the rant.
Yes!! It’s all about learning who you are in a new season. This is true for all stages of life. It’s about learning who you are, and who the people you love are, over and and over again. And then figuring out the best way to love them. That’s not to say that it isn’t hard and that there isn’t a learning curve. Perspective really is key. You’re not losing yourself, you just getting to know a new version of yourself. You’re adding onto yourself.
I understand your perspective I say the same thing to myself that it's the natural progression of life when you choose this path. But I still feel this way.
You can understand the cause and effect and you can still have those feelings.
Changing your perspective doesn't make your life immediately better. You start to look at life through a different lens, but it takes time to see it all and adapt. Especially when it's your first child and you're constantly in this cycle of starting to understand them, starting to adapt your life, and they have a leap and you're where you've started
@@Ellesflowersbeautiful rant. I am a new mom and this framing helped.
Thank you for making and sharing this video.
I am 34 and have a 7 month old. I was the same as you, never really maternal, didn’t babysit growing up. I always found baby showers awkward to attend as everyone else had a baby or experience so talked about baby products etc that l knew nothing about.
My 7 month old had a lot of issues with allergies in the past, it’s all fixed now but it was 2.5 months of trial and error of different formulas along with her screaming in pain for hours on end. That was a whole other world of tough. It’s still tough with her as she is so demanding and gets bored so easily. I see other babies her age who are happy to just “be” but she’s always wanting to be doing something, on the go, be entertained. I love that she is like this but it’s exhausting at the end of the day!
I am also like you where l am looking forward to her going to daycare twice a week so l can get back to work.
Again, thanks for sharing this video, it had to be said!
I’m trying to own my feelings recently. Like why do I have to feel bad that I want this phase to be over. EVERYONE says “enjoy it now, you’ll miss it later” & “oh just you wait for the teen years,” which I’m sure will suck too… but when my daughter turned 5 & went to Kindergarten… I could breathe… albeit after choking the tears from watching her school bus pull away. But isn’t that the funny thing? It’s strangely all bittersweet. Meanwhile, her brother is now 2 & early on I just would watch the clock all day & countdown to naps. Now he’s becoming more independent & verbal so it’s better & I don’t regret watching the clock like that. It’s just how I could survive. (I may not even want him to go off to Kindergarten like I did my daughter.) But why should I feel bad about those feelings regardless? Right? Sheesh are you my new therapist?? Lol thanks for the honesty.
Thank you for sharing this; it’s truly courageous of you. For the longest time, I thought this was a secret I’d have to keep to myself. I’ve often wondered if it even makes sense to feel such deep love for them yet struggle so much with the realities of motherhood. The toddler years are especially challenging- they need constant attention and seem to interrupt even the simplest tasks. And of course, we understand why; they need to talk and look to us for responses. Cant wait to hear more from you on this topic.
Thank you for sharing. It was such a hard day for me and all I wanted was to be alone but I have two kids hanging off me. I’m glad I’m not alone
My baby is 11 months at the moment. I understand your sentiment, granted I love being a mum but I've never been a maternal person, never liked babies or younger kids as a kid/teen. But I feel the most fulfilled as a mum compared to all the jobs/careers I've had. I feel like I reached all my goals career wise and now I'm happy being a SAHM. However, I do dislike being a mum in specific situations. Like when I'm sick and I have no choice but to gear up and go even if I feel like I'm going to die. I also don't like motherhood when I don't get sleep, or when they don't sleep! But the rest of the time I'm vibing, but I totally understand your sentiment in these moments.
I really love homemaking and cleaning, but I understand how it always feels endless.
Ooof I totally understand cooking for your kid for them to turn their nose up lol. I feel you SO HARD.
I find that the idea of losing myself is not so accurate as a statement. I feel like this season of life I'm still me, but I'm the mum-me. I feel like I can handle it better knowing that this is just a short time in my life. What's 4-5 years in the grand scheme of 70+ years (hopefully lol). I want another baby soon so that I sort of do the hardest bit all at once, and not feel like I'm starting again if that makes sense.
A few days ago this same thought came to my mind, that I adore my child but dont like being a mom, and then I saw your video and gosh.. Thank you❤️ I can relate everything, from hate cooking to the "used to be an ambitious person" part.. It's hard. But it's good to know that I am not alone. Thank you❤️
I really wish I would’ve made the time to watch this when you first uploaded it but I’m a mom to a 15m old so I never have time to watch videos anymore. That’s one of the many things I dislike about being a mom. I relate so much to everything you said, especially never having those maternal feelings/wanting children until I got married/met the love of my life. I also was infertile and didn’t think I could have children. I was 42 when my miracle was born and I seriously can’t believe I almost missed out on being a mommy cuz it really is so incredibly rewarding, fun, amazing to watch your child grow, and just the greatest journey one can ever go on BUT, it’s also so challenging, draining, consumes your life, you can easily lose your identity, and tests your patience like nothing else ever has. I miss the freedom of doing whatever I want, whenever I wanted to and never having to plan anything. That being said, I so love sharing my life with my husband, planning our future together, and getting to show our daughter the world. Watching life through a child’s eyes is so freaking awesome and really makes you appreciate everything that growing up takes away from you, like that thirst for life, knowledge, and having experiences.
How’s life going? I have a four month old.
I think it’s hard to love being a mom when you are also trying to do more than just be a mom, if that makes sense. I work part time from home and I’m also a stay at home mom and what helps me is prioritizing my baby. Yes work has to get done, and it will, but if my baby decided to skip a nap, instead of being miserable trying to get him to sleep so I can work, I try to chose to be present in the moment and realize that my baby needs me, he needs me to comfort him and play with him, and that’s what I have to do. Because at the end of the day, we chose to have him, I pumped life into him, I might as well spend time with him. He doesn’t need material things or a highly recognized and successful mom, he just needs his mom’s love.
This needs to be talked about more. With my first child when I first felt like this I thought I was broken. Definitely not the case!
This video hits me so hard. Mothers are under so much pressure. And it seems like we get judged no matter what we choose to do. Meanwhile, fathers get praised just for doing the bare minimum. It makes mothers feel like we're alone in our struggles....
I hate going to work but I love getting paid.
I dont know if this helps but my husband is from a big family and his mother has said that it was “easier” having more children bc then you don’t have to entertain them they entertain each other and when they are older they can help around the house too all together i dont know if that alleviates some fears of having more children (his from a family of 7 so 5 kids)
That's encouraging for me as a mom of 3 kids (3 year old, 1 year old, and 2 month old). I already see my two oldest play together a lot and I'm so looking forward to all 3 of them being old enough to play together!
i felt this way until my son turned 2 and loved it even more at 3. When he couldtalk to me and at 4.5 he's my little bestie.
Something I’ve been told multiple times is that it gets better - seriously. The older your kids get the more independent they become. You won’t be the primary source for everything. They learn to play on their own, use the bathroom on their own. It takes time, but it does get easier.
~A mom who’s currently struggling with the two-nap stage. 😅
I loved hearing you speak on this topic so honestly.This is the kind of convo I have with my parent mates but then dont see much online so I appreciate your openness so much and this will support many mamas and women considering their choices. I was the opposite of you in the sense that I've been maternal since birth. I wanted kids with all my heart, thought they would be my purpose and complete me, that id adore pregnancy and that I knew my true calling. I then 'had' to wait until 33 to have kids as my partner wasn't ready when i was (in my early mid 20's!). Cue getting pregnant, hating the trying process, sick for 20 weeks straight, massive during pregnancy, super intense unmedicated home birth with a massive baby, postpartum anxiety and a bubba that slept in 3 hr intervals for the first 8 months of life. Its exhausting! I love and i hate motherhood. I loooove my boy with all my heart but wow wow wow this world doesn't give credit to how hard it is to raise good humans
Why are women still sold this lie that motherhood is lovely and amazing and it will complete them, it never does! Atleast I've never heard a woman say it does. We don't expect men to feel that way about being a parent.
How are you doing now? I am a new mom. Are you considering a second baby?
@@LM-nn7sg Hello, had to look when this first comment was posted
@@thelittlehomeaustralia wow thank you so much for your response sis! I am so so happy to hear you are doing well and got the hang of things. Congratulations on your pregnancy! And thank you for your response. It gives me hope. I want a second but I it has been exhausting being a first time mom. Best of luck to you 💜
My kids are 12 (autism), 10 (adhd) and 5. I still struggle with this. I’ve had kids since I was a teenager so I don’t know any different, but I yearn for things to be different. One day, one day
Been struggling to decide having or not. I‘m 37 so my gap is closing. Thank you for being honest it looks hard. I’m still in 90% sure I want to be childfree
This video came out when I was unexpectedly pregnancy and very sick dealing with HG. I was avoiding watching this video because I was honestly so unhappy to be pregnant. We didn’t want kids this early. Now that I’m feeling so much better, I felt like I could watch. I also had a very wonderful career in actuarial science that I had to leave after being so sick for months and I knew I would stay home with my baby. Your video made me feel a lot better because I actually am very maternal and love being a homemaker. I have been having many fears that I won’t like being a mother.
It's so interesting to hear another perspective. For me, the newborn and baby stages were incredibly difficult. My son was colicky, refused to sleep unless he was being held, and overall didn't sleep for longer than an hour or so at a time. I thought I was losing my mind and was very afraid of how I was going to continue. I work away from the home full time and am the main financial provider, so I didn't have a lot of support either. Now that my son is walking and starting to talk and able to sleep I am so much happier and able to enjoy parenthood. I'm actually going to try for a 2nd pregnancy as a single mom by choice now that my son is turning 2. I am hoping for an easy baby this go around since I had such a rough experience with the my son ; )
Did you end up having a second child?
Why does everyone believe Sarah Therese is living some kind of perfect life? Shes not happy, you can tell. Influencers are just really good at lying because their livelihood depends on it, stop believing them.
Ashley is a rare gem, she is honest and kind. Most people aren't like this.
Just curious, how can you tell Sarah Therese wasn't happy?
@@BeingBetter if you really watch her videos you see she spends all of her time finding excuses to avoid the kids. She is alone in a room organising or cleaning for hours sometimes with no interruptions. She is visibly annoyed when they talk, especially in the car. She gets very tense and rubs her head. Its just my gut feeling watching her. Compare to Ashley for example, she adores her children.
@@indy2316 I can see that being the case. I think she was indoctrinated into having children because she's a Christian.
@@indy2316she homeschools her children and provides them a loving and caring life. She doesn’t hold them on camera and say she hates being a mom in front of them.
I’m 11 minutes in and you’re hitting home. I also cannot wait to have all our of kids and them be in school so I can do the things I love again, when I want! I’m an artist and used to spend every day doing some kind of art and haven’t touched any art supplies in 11 months when baby girl was born. Our lives rotate around them right now. What helps me a little: Imagine 10-15 years into the future where you’ll have so much time again and miss having a small one to run around after. It’s the same feeling of missing the idependence you once had. I know I’ll feel this same way about not having someone to take up all of my time even though it makes me crazy sometimes. I don’t think you’re doing motherhood right if you aren’t losing it sometimes honestly!
I am a mom of a toddler 14 mo. I work full time and my job is demanding mentally. I also don't like motherhood in this phase. It's taxing, demanding in so many ways. I have to transition him to daycare because I don't have family or full time help anymore. I tell myself it's temporary and things will change. Don't give up on dreaming of better days, weeks, months, years
I saw the title and immediately liked the video. I think a lot of people can relate but wouldn't admit even to themselves
I am so happy that you posted this. You have explained all the feelings that I feel but couldn't find the words. You're amazing. 💙
Hi, I just want you to know I'm in the same boat as you (except my son is 1).
Something that helped me was working part time only 8 hours a week, and my husband letting me go to the gym, to separate my self from being "just a mom" is so important!!!!
Letting you go to the gym?! Why does your husband have the say over what you do.
I know most of the comments agree with you, but I personally couldn't disagree more I adore everything about being a mummy. But as a child of a mother who didn't like being a mum it was so so damaging to me, so that's something to think about.
I’m a mom of a 4month old and I run my own manufacturing business. It’s tough but I also live in a country that has affordable full time help and our nanny lives with us and cleans our home everyday. Without the help I’d be very very lost. My husband is also wfh which has really added. I just can’t imagine being a sahm without the help. But cost has been that I never got maternity leave as a business owner and I wish I spent much more time with my baby everyday. So my aim is to build a work life that allows me to be flexible and spend as much time with him as possible especially as we prepare for the 2nd one. Thanks for shining a light as every story is different but one thing is common - it’s a challenge.
I felt this way with my 1st child and didn't realize until I had a second child that what I was going through was post partum depression.. feeling like my life isn't my own anymore and that I actually despised being a mom. It definitely was real and I think it should be acknowledged more so that other first time moms dont think they're alone, BUT I also can see just how much it revealed a selfishness in me that I never knew was so deeply rooted. Having children really exposes your heart and its desires. I think a lot of the moms with multiple kids who look happy actually are happy because they may see this reality- that our free time and our desires are often idols that we dont want to lay down. There is nothing wrong with desiring free time and your own hobbies and stuff, the issue comes when we idolize those things and become angry or frustrated when those things get interrupted or put on the back burner. That's often when our selfishness is revealed, and that's a GOOD thing to reflect on because then we can bring it to God in prayer and He actually helps us become less selfish and more servant-minded. I am by NO means perfect in this, its just something that I've learned the past 3 years being a mom of now 3 little kids. I'm grateful for honest moms, I think we should definitely talk about this truth of motherhood being extremely difficult BUT we have to fight against making it acceptable to "hate motherhood" but "love our children". They should go hand in hand ❤ if we love our kids we ought to love what's best for them and love to make that happen in the journey of motherhood. I'm not saying it's easy! It's not, I still have such a hard time with this. But its definitely possible and we should take courage in that. Let's keep encouraging eachother as moms to see the good and be thankful! That doesn't mean you ignore the bad and pretend it's all rainbows and sunshine but it also doesnt mean sitting in that unhappiness and accepting it as "okay". I hope this makes sense and doesn't come across the wrong way. I'm struggling with all of the things mentioned in the video and by no means have motherhood figured out!
This is a lovely sentiment-but not accurate for everyone. I have 2 children and have been a mom for over 10 years and feel this way. I am grateful for my children, but being a mother does not fulfill every woman. I am more than a mother and struggle with the dichotomy daily. It takes more than prayer.
@@RedUmbrellaMama this is because being a mother is not supposed to fulfill you.. only God can do that and we put that expectation on things that aren't meant to fulfill us (I did this with my marriage as well and ended up disappointed and angry for the first 6 years). I agree it takes more than prayer, it also takes having good community and daily practice and grace for ourselves when we dont hit the mark (which is all the time). So we actually agree with eachother :)
@@RedUmbrellaMama the struggle doesnt go away, I apologize if i gave off the impression that i dont struggle too. But it does become easier to serve others and more enjoyable over time. It shouldn't be getting worse and worse or remain stagnant. This is good news! Just trying to encourage thats all. We arent "stuck" no matter how much it feels that way ❤
You call a spade a spade. As a society we are taught to idolize ambition and independence and selfishness. No one in school teaches us to idolize stay at home motherhood. No one outside of my family thinks highly of me for being a stay at home mother. We are taught to feel like we are losing out on something when we have children but in reality we are gaining something more fulfilling. Nothing worth having comes easy.
@@LadyAndieJane yes! Same here, I've been looked down upon for the decision to stay home with my children and even been asked why dont I go to college so I can help my husband make money 😳 I got a "oh no" from my own mother when I announced my second pregnancy instead of a "congratulations". We really are taught that this is such a dreadful thing to be a mom...
I feel the same. My husband and i are about you and Josh's age, we never wanted kids, but then decided to give it a shot. Though they do say that the more kids you have the easier it gets because the kids then have each other and don't rely on mom as much. But my husband and i have decided we are good with our one child. She just turned 1 and my husband just had a vasectomy HAHA!!
I'm not the maternal or homemaker type either. But i am learning and every little victory makes me feel like I'm getting better at it!!
Thanks for sharing! I feel similar to you. I thought I would want to be a stay at home mom but now I think I might like to work part time. And I felt really sad about not loving being a mom.
I hope you can find ways to make it easier for you. Like you said, it's just for a few years and then you'll have kids for life. ❤ Worth it!
Also I read one comment that said that this level of honesty is going to make some uncomfortable - and that’s SO true. It’ll make people uncomfortable, but we NEED to talk about this. This isn’t just a “get some help with rook”, “change your perspective”, “be grateful you even have a child” kind of thing. So thank you for being brave and sharing this!
*Having deep conversation* the baby 👁👄👁
I literally teared up watching this. What you said is exactly how I am feeling. My husband and I both feel this. Right now we are working pretty much opposite schedules, so our lives are either working - or being on our own with our two kids. Our kids are three and a half and 9 months so it is a lot! We love them so much, but the ages they are at is so much work! I will say my older child is getting much easier, right as my younger child is entering the difficult stage. 😂 From what I can tell about 1 and a half to 3 is pretty rough - but after that it seems to get easier! You are not alone in this even if it feels like it🤍 I think every stage of parenting comes with ups and downs, I’m just excited for when my kids are old enough to get out of the car by themselves and actually be able to walk into places without me carrying one of them and holding on to the other ones hand 😂 I am trying to cherish every single stage, and remind myself how much I’m going to miss it! But it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
How is life for you now? Did you like the age gap between your two children? I have one and I am sooooo unsure about adding another and adding more difficulty in the “very hands on” years.
I think you like being a mum but you just need a break. You clearly don't have work-life balance. If you can afford it, send your son to nursery/daycare some hours a week. It will give you time to work, and it will help him too to socialise with other kids.
It's so comforting to hear that my toddler is not the only one skipping the daily nap. Everyone I talk to about it stares at me like something is wrong with me or my child. Granted, since daycare started, sleep is starting to get back in the schedule. At least Monday to Friday.. Weekends are still a struggle.
I can so relate to this video. I am an older mom (had kids in my early to mid 30s). They are 8 and nearly 5 now and it gets easier. They have each other to play with and for the most part, they are great buddies. Our eldest is starting to prepare her own simple meals and they can both help out with basic pick up and tidying their rooms, which is all I ask for them in regard to chores around the home until they are older.
I also hate cooking. Before kids, I never cooked! I lived off of sandwiches, salads, soups, yogurt, fruit. Nowadays, I don't mind cooking as much as I've had to do it for other people for nearly a decade. I find you just kind of get into a groove. What I find helps is building your own recipe plan that is comprised of your go-to meals everyone likes and you work on expanding it as time goes on. I recently got my kids into spinach salad and chili; my daughter has started to eat more and more veggies too. I basically offer my kids as many fruits and veggies as they will eat in the day, however they will eats them (cooked or raw) and I just don't worry about it as much anymore!!! They get better at eating as they age.
I also am not a home-school mom, and would only do it if our situation forced us to do so. I've even considered a micro-school which is basically paying an educator to educate your kids in much smaller groups. I think actually going to school is important in terms of the child building their own sense of autonomy away from mom and dad. One last thing I will say, is get help, and get it frequently if you need it.
I would urge you to think about sending Rook to daycare :) He's at the age je would really gain a lot from interacting with other kids + you have time to focus on you and your work, and be a more energetic happy mom for him when he gets home. Me and my kids really enjoy that structure (they go to daycare 3 days a week, are 1 and almost 3 years old)
I had to mourn my independence after having my baby. Then I had serious mom-guilt for doing so. I wish I knew other moms felt the same… it would have made that transition a bit easier.
Love your honesty. Thoughts prior to experiencing journeys can always be different!
I completely feel you. I never wanted kids and then when I had cervical cancer and thought I might have to get a hysterectomy I started to think about not having the ability to do it and it kinda made me want too. So when the cancer was clear and I didn't have to have it all removed I had my first child and it was okay I could manage for the most part my normal life. Then my second kid was a surprise and it's been really difficult I went from working with my 1st in preschool or daycare to being a stay at home mom bc I can't find a job that has the hours that I need to work with the oldest school schedule and daycares are hard to find a spot for before and after school plus all day for the baby so I feel like I've lost any part of my identity. I'm 24/7 mom now and it kinda sucks.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have just over 1 1/2 months of my maternity leave left and I can't wait to go back to work and for her to be in daycare. I love my daughter so much but the daily grind of caring for a child with no other mental stimulation is really taxing and boring, especially during covid. I know for me joining local mom groups on facebook helped so much to connect with other moms going through the same thing.
So relate to you! Hate cooking, hate lack of freedom, love interior design, but have three of those boys! Same with no eating the meal you put your last energy into! Hate it
OMG completely agree in so many way! Not into constant cleaning and cooking, don't see the point of daycare- so expensive and basically paying someone else to raise my child! My dreams and goals are just on hold... Totally empathize and all of your feelings are normal.
The meals OMG! Totally agree.
Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate this and the distinction ❤
Totally relatable. I never felt maternal and then had a kid and heard it was tough but I feel I didn't really understand until I had my baby. I have so many things I want to do. Also annoyed that I'm on maternity leave for a year and can't even go anywhere because of covid. So frusterating.
100% agree. I have a 13 year old. We had just gotten back to a place where we could sleep in, go on a date. She had a social life. Life was awesome. Then surprise...baby 2 comes. We have started back over. Baby 1 was awesome. She slept amazing, she went where I went, she was perfectly fine alone, she rarely cried. Baby 2 has been soooo hard. She was incredibly needy as a newborn. She is now 15 months and still won't nap alone. She won't sleep in her own bed. I can't sleep any longer than she does. I 100% adore my girls but I do not always like being a mom. I would trade any of it for anything.
I totally relate to a lot of what you said, I'm a toddler mom too. But you shouldn't have filmed this with rook in your lap/in the room. Toddlers can understand a lot more than we realize and internalize it too, without the tools to understand that we still love them.
Feels like you are reading my mind…. Word to word. Good to know there’s someone who I can relate to.
You wait until they’re teenagers. I hate being a parent to teenagers they have ruined my life. I hate my life
Thank You for sharing, he is beautiful and so is your honesty 😊.
Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes you have feelings and thoughts but have a hard time putting into words. Thank you for putting this into words.
I used to babysit my sister’s babies but it totally different from from having a child, and I totally get what you talking about as a first time mom the hardship and joy you get from them are priceless, sometimes i feel so low,cry,and want to be alone but you can’t ,in the same time i don’t hate my child i love her the most but you want a time for yourself and you can’t get it , stay strong I believe its only a matter of time 💜
Hey, I now following you quite some time. I can really relate to this feeling… its ordinary for people whit a platform to speak out about this. Thank you, it makes a difference❤️
Sending so much love and hugs your way homegirl!!! You are most definitely not alone and you are also not wrong to feel the way YOU feel.
I feel you. My son is 9 months and sleep has been pretty much nonexistent since he came and it has affected every part of our life. My husband and have tried everything but nothing seem to get our son to sleep without waking up every other hour. I have developed anxiety and sleeping issues from months of sleeplessness. For me the baby phase has been a nightmare. I’m really hoping that the toddler phase will be a game changer. 😅
Have you tried getting any help from baby sleep experts? I've known quite a few mums to go through similar sleepless phases and it's always important if you can to reach out to professionals for support. Wishing you all the best and some good zzzzz's soon
Why are you considering having a second one if motherhood isn't for you?
I think that’s the blessing about having kids later in life, like I know what it’s like to have “freedom” and it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be- I just spent so much time feeling sad I didn’t have a child and feeling the huge hole of that. I am soooo happy now that I have my daughter - I want her to take my time- nothing else in life compares to this. BUT I do really hand it to single moms- that’s gotta be so hard….but with an involved partner it’s great- at least with just one kid!
Thank you for voicing my feeling and emotions.... Totally felt this.
I appreciate your videos Ashley, thank you 🙏🏾 wishing you so well
Is it ok to have your small child listening to you talk about this? It's good to talk about it, but not within earshot of your children, even if they're only small.
My thoughts exactly.
To be fair, the child has no idea what she is talking about at this level of using language. Especially talking about concepts. And also, it's important either way to have these conversations in front of the kids. (This style and this situation, meaning in my eyes she said nothing that was actually something a child this age shouldn't hear.)
All my life I wanted to be a mom. Didn’t want a career, didn’t really think anything was as important. So when my daughter was born and I found it so hard, I felt horrible about myself. Ungrateful, guilty, undeserving. I hated that I didn’t have any time to myself: even when someone’s looking after her, I’m still worrying about her and cleaning up after her. I took so many things for granted before and had it so easy and didn’t even appreciate it.
She’s still a baby and I’m enjoying motherhood more and more as she gets older and develops her personality. I’ll love it when she can talk. I’ll probably hate it when she’s running around and I have to make sure the house is safe and can’t let her out of my sight 😅 but I’m slowly learning that everything’s a phase and that despite the shit (and there is a lot of shit 😂), there are little things to appreciate and enjoy in each stage.
Toddlers life is hard work! Most stages are hard work, most things in life worth while are hard work, but doesn’t change how challenging it can be, get some help, even a babysitter for 2hrs a week, childcare can be very expensive but it’s worth trying to budget for a tiny amount.