How to know what you really want | Luke Burgis | Big Think
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- Опубліковано 17 лис 2021
- How to know what you really want, with Luke Burgis
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There are two kinds of desire, thin and thick. Thick desires are like layers of rock that have been built up throughout the course of our lives. These are desires that can be shaped and cultivated through models like our parents and people that we admire as children. But at some level, they're related to the core of who we are. They can be related to perennial human truths: beauty, goodness, human dignity.
Thin desires are highly mimetic (imitative) and ephemeral desires. They're the things that can be here today, gone tomorrow. Thin desires are subject to the winds of mimetic change, because they're not rooted in a layer of ourselves that's been built up over time. They are like a layer of leaves that's sitting on top of layers of rock. Those thin desires are blown away with a light gust of wind. A new model comes into our life; the old desires are gone. All of a sudden we want something else.
In the stream of daily life, we're pushed and pulled in a million different directions. And if we don't extract ourselves and find time for recollection, we won't be able to listen to our lives, to listen to others, and to understand the way that our relationships and our desires are growing and emerging. We'll be surprised if five or ten years from now, we've pursued desires that have led us to a place that we really may not have wanted to go. Listening is critical to the transformation.
Read the video transcript: bigthink.com/videos/mimetic-d...
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About Luke Burgis:
Luke Burgis has co-created and led four companies in wellness, consumer products, and technology. He’s currently Entrepreneur-in-Residence and Director of Programs at the Ciocca Center for Principled Entrepreneurship where he also teaches business at The Catholic University of America. Luke has helped form and serves on the board of several new K-12 education initiatives and writes and speaks regularly about the education of desire. He studied business at NYU Stern and philosophy and theology at a pontifical university in Rome. He’s Managing Partner of Fourth Wall Ventures, an incubator that he started to build, train, and invest in people and companies that contribute to a healthy human ecology. He lives in Washington, DC with his wife, Claire, and her crazy New Orleans cat Clotille.
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Read more of our stories on mimetic desires:
The social brain: Culture, change and evolution | A Big Think Long Take
►►bigthink.com/the-present/bret...
Mimetic desire: How to avoid chasing things you don’t truly want
►► bigthink.com/neuropsych/mimet...
The ugly psychology behind scapegoating
►► bigthink.com/videos/scapegoat
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What do you find most fulfilling?
Learning
I find I’m fulfilled when I meet challenging moments and breeze through them. It’s a to live for feeling. In life and in sales
And how about you? What do you find most,fulfilling?
@@ZYX84 filling?
Singing and songwriting. 🎶
Hiking. Reading. Learning. Meditating.
It takes a lot of humility or pain to understand that you are a product of other people's desires
This reminds me of the architect from the matrix. In other words, we are a sum of random anomalies used for others agendas.
Kids have great original desires. By the time they become adults, their desires are more a reflection of their parents and teachers and other adults they respect. The original desires are covered by these 'fake but important' (for whom) desires.
For example, money is never a kid's desire, but it becomes one when the kid finds that what they want has to come from money😑
Those who remember their original desires and act accordingly have my respect.
Billions of years of evolutionary heritage, millennia of societal conditioning, a good hundred years of psychological education, and still we have difficulty maturely navigating through the chaos of our emotions.
There was traumatic worldwide events happening during every step of the way tho; human race wasnt in a vacuum
I mean, millenia of societal conditioning will do that...
society is also evolving faster than we are. so we are probably not suited biologically for where we are now, so we are perhaps thousands of years behind and since survival of the fittest isn't a thing anymore we will continue to be so, as long as we are progressing sociopolitically,technoligicaly.etc .. now we are stuck with the urge to blend in and conform which would have been great 20000 years ago in tribes but now with the age of individualism it may lead to these identity crises.
Chances are, most of us humans, do what we feel not what we think… No matter what we tell ourselves… As you know, you can talk yourself out of anything, or talk yourself into anything… Depends on how you want to play the game… If you choose to play, might be a good thing to ask yourself, what’s my payoff???
🤍🤍
I just want a little house with a nice garden and a little shed to keep my painting stuff in, maybe a room for making clay figurines and other creative stuff. That would be great.
It’s good to know what you want, will you take care if you receive… Got to go to work though! You’ll be good… Creative visualization and being proactive they work well together
Try not to speak so "minimally" regarding what YOU DESIRE......
You need money
@@ACTHdanhow about a plan?
In Other words - your thick Desires might be warmth+Security and creativity
This is a really valuable lesson in today's world, where it's too easy to lose track of our true selves and become the product of media influence.
Its hard to say you really want something unless you've really experienced having it before.
this is my answer
thank u
Exactly! 😊
We gave really experienced everything before. Checkout the theory of collective unconscious by Carl Jung.
For those who want to know why we should have desires in the first place, it's because progress = happiness. It's not the attainment that is the fulfillment, but it's progress towards them. Life becomes an adventure. Letting go of them is not inherently a good thing, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't practice gratitude for what you have.
Gaining knowledge, understanding, insight are usually very rewarding experiences. Enjoying culture (music, art, etc..) is also potentially an inexhaustible source for enjoyment and the more you enjoy it, the more nuanced and refined your appreciation tends to get. We live in amazing times where we can store whole libraries of books or albums on a smartphone that fits in your pocket. You can kind of skim the cream of human culture and enjoy stuff that consistently gets very high ratings from both the critics and the general public and this is usually a fairly reliable indication that time spent exploring it will be an extremely rewarding experience.
INDEED!!
I think about this a lot, we've numbed ourselves from realizing just a how amazing it is to have access to so much. It’s a double edged sword but like sixty years ago you wouldn’t have as much time to appreciate the details bc you didn’t have access to all that info at your fingertips and therefore your world view was less expansive and more close minded. I’m using terrible grammar but you get what I mean lol
What you have now was once something you only dreamed or hoped of having. If you are constantly advancing and evolving, you will have fewer desires. -Emma
Great perspective. Reminding yourself to feel gratitude for what you already have is a key part of fostering happiness as well. We interviewed a Harvard professor of positive psychology on this who gets into it more fully. ua-cam.com/video/ZgFfhJBQplk/v-deo.html
To the *incredible person* that's seeing this, I wish you all the best in life❤ don't over blame yourself, accept things and go forward. Don't let others define what “success” is for you. Get up, learn the skills needed and get after it, all the keys to a happy life is in your hands. Keep pushing.
I agree 🙌🏻
Thanks for the encouragement 🙌
@@dill6827 You welcome 🙏🏾. Thanks 😊
optimism..I think I love you! Thank you for your kindness! Be good Chancellor, What else have we to do?
Thank you. God bless you! 🙏🏻
*”However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at.” - Stephen Hawking*
Not true but it helps to believe that
@@reydelguitarhero Depends on how high or low you set the bar.
Getting out of bed in the morning is somewhat easy to succeed at for most people, even if they are clinically depressed or disabled.
hahaha
Statement from a someone who moved from ability to disability.
I reckon he knea qhat he was talking
I recko he
@@ayoogundimu3087 you what?
That was really helpful, however I can't notice such patterns. At some point of time, I want to live an over ambitious life while at another I just want to sit in peace.
I feel the same sometime. I know what I want from life and exactly what to do, they are ambitious, but sometimes I daydream about just dropping everything and live a humble, peaceful life.
Same!
When you get these conflicts, be clear of your values. Literally rank them of importance.
@@mkextra05 you are right. My top priority in life is Spirituality. But since I am not pursuing spirituality at an ideal level of intensity, at this time. It comes as these daydreams of abandoning the material pursuits all together.
@@shivathecurious Value conflict is the root of self-sabotage. Examine your decisions and emotions in situations. Then, be very honest of your topmost values and be very clear with how they currently rank. You may need to adjust contrasting ones (e.g. Freedom vs Security; Growth vs Comfort) especially if they are both ranking very high. This is the source of conflicted feelings and self-sabotage. Clarifying your values will help you understand where you are coming from, take responsibility of your life, know your boundaries and keep you grounded as you strive to be your best self to serve your life purpose (if you haven't found that yet, examine the patterns of your life). This is why Integrity is an essential value because you won't be easily wavered from the authentic self (a prerequisite for authentic happiness).
"listen to [your] life, telling you who you are." Love it! ❤️
Oh goodness, I'm so happy others have words for this!
All my life I've called mimetic desires ghosts. It didn't matter if the person was alive or not, I just knew I felt a part of them guide me. I also knew that it felt bad to do those ghosts wrong. In essence, ghosts to me are the remnants of human consciousness in our own psyche that we can understand and build expectations off of.
I've had so many crisises (crisis-is?) wondering who I really was, and if it was possible to ever be happy with so many ghosts so strongly affecting my sense of self worth. Expressing this openly has allowed me to create and maintain beautiful friendships. In a letter to one of my best friends, I recently came of the conclusion that we are all quilts, a patch work of everyone else. I realized that no one really knows how to be human, and that we model ourselves off of others.
That thinking has allowed me to view my anxieties about fulfillment with the love and grace I try to extend to others. I love my ghosts, but I also know that in the end, they're just that, ghosts. My body loves the sun and movement; my heart loves humans and their lives; and my mind loves challenges and biology. I'm studying public health in hope of becoming a field epidemiologist!
I honor those who love me by honoring myself.
Thanks for the video, I know I'll need to talk to my friends to be able to grasp mimetic desires, but at least I have a word for it other than ghosts!
I grew up without parental love and support. The only thing I've ever really wanted was to meet someone with whom I'd experience a true mutual love, so that we could spend the rest of our lives together. That dream never came true. I'm almost 50 and I've given up. Today, I feel lonelier than when I was a child. I guess it's because the hope is gone.
Maybe your standards are too high.
@Catarina Reis Maybe, but there's no way I'm gonna lower them. 🤷♀️
I saw you comment - and I do hope that you will find your partner. My grandfather found his true love at 74. Not that he never was is a relationship or marriage before - he just found a soulmate. You still hopefully have many years ahead - keep hoping and meeting people and being your best self. May your dream come true.
@@creativejapanese Thank you! 😊🙏🏻 I wish the best for you too.
i wish you find peace with yourself...maybe you find a partner or you stop feeling the absence of one. wish you lots of love.
3:59
“Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I have to listen my life telling me who I am”
👏👏👏
Levity and bad memory are prerequisite to a happy life of looking forward to something, Thick or thin
Wow. Im so glad there are people who actually listen.
I see a lot of this advice 'think back to a time when you felt happy/fulfilled/at peace' or whatever. I can't recall an authentic time like that. Any brief happy times have been on the attainment of what I knew, even at the time, to be extremely 'thin' desires. There's nothing thick to latch onto!
At my age, I have all I want and need.
I am blessed 💕🇺🇲
Then what are you doing here sir?
Living the dream, congrats!
@@Azad-Jawad-From-Sindh
I am here, to tell others it can be done.
It's hard work, but, can be done.
Peace Brother
*"Ever desireless, one can see the mystery. Ever desiring, one can see the manifestations."*
thanx!!!!
why did i never heard this simple advice from any of my coaches before?
identify 5 fullfillment stories in your life and look for the pattern.
THANK YOU.
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•.•✅
ive found that the more i see TV, magazines, commercials, the more i want.
Wow. Lately I have been feeling stuck & lost & conflicted with and over my desires & what to do with myself & my life.
This video came in a really great timing. Thank you, Universe!🙌🌌🙌
#42 :)
what do you think you might like to do? what's it between? Edit: I'm just asking out of curiosity if you'd like to share.
Life is pain (read as in good sense), because it's painful to be free and choose your future, it less painful than be like chained man, locked in kind of place, where you can't choose or go or do whatever your soul want to do (here I mean really worthy and meaningful things).
So.. it's our eternal question - where to aim, where is my next goal... what do I want to achieve, feel and be?!
So glad to hear and good luck!
We are the product of other people's desires. It is called as mimetic desire.
2 kinds of Desire. Thin and Thick.
- Thick desires are rock solid and are in us from generations. Desires like love, respect, beauty etc.
- Thin desires are those which come and go with trends or influence of others. Like new gadget, cars, houses...
"Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I have to listen to my life telling me who I am"
Wow, I thought that I'm broken because I don't want anything, but now I found out that it's ok...
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•.✅
Thank you. Gave me a lot to think about
The key to happiness is letting go of pride and desire, and exchanging them for humility and gratitude.
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•..•✅
But none of us is as perfect as you :(
@@rawcoustic1718 can you tell me where I said that?
That itself is a desire for happiness
@@B.Whittaker you said it right after your claim that happiness is letting go of pride and desire. Just wanted to clarify that for you because I’m schizophrenic as well.
This was so good and valuable, thank you.
So glad you liked it, thanks for watching!
OR, look back to identify WHAT led to positive emotions in the past, not just in the moment, but in total over time?
Do that and nurture it.
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•.✅
Needed This!
Thankyou so much
I want peace, contentment, perfect health, harmonious relationships and be able to do what I want when I want.
Good said!
Thank you
I found this pretty interesting & enlightening!
So glad to hear, thanks for watching!
this is gold "We look to models of desire, people that help show us what is worth wanting."
They're both desires nonetheless, you don't need to know which will turn out great, just what is good and meaningful. Because what else are you gonna aim for? Humans are fickle by nature, when we get what we want, we then want something else. Just pursue what you think is good and meaningful then see where it gets you. You "might" find happiness but I am sure you won't be miserable.
I look for mi childhood desires and dreams they are big but i feel them still and i am sure they would bring me ultimate fulfillment
What I want most, what I desire with every molecule of my being is to be with her. In one summer she rocked my world inside and out, she has changed me forever. I have found someone I truly want and desire.
Its long distance, for now. I dont care what I have to do, how long I have to wait or where I have to go as long as that place is together with her.
Awww. Good luck, *checks username* Pimp Master.
That's so sweet🥺
What if you have no desires? Is this normal? I want nothing and have trouble understanding why people would want or care for certain things... I like to experience new things but I think most things are stupid and pointless. I dont know what to do?
I know what this is like. I can understand intellectually how people get hyped about whimsy, but it doesn't seem to grasp me at the same emotional level, and I seem to be strangely immune to enticements of the "rat race".
Firstly, be happy you're who you are. Social conditioning doesn't work equally on all people.
Secondly, as hinted in this video - look beyond wanton desire and into more profound experiences of fulfilment.
It sounds like you're early in your journey. That's fine - keep exploring, keep tasting new things. At some point you'll find yourself in a situation where you're called upon, and you'll understand a deeper pleasure in making your contribution.
same here. 39 years old. want nothing. everything seems useless
The first 10 seconds... wow!!!
Right? It's like a reality check
@@dd1278 Totally. That defines this crazy society.
Your desire to be first… wow!!!
@@edh2246 no, I meant the first ten seconds of the video were so amazing.
Pleasure! Next question!😉
It's clearly to say that people minds are "limited" to the one specific idea or action (like one-slot memory card) to hold long enough to get things really done... We are limited living things in really mind-blowing unlimited world... If you ask how is big is unlimited world, then try to find edge of the universe (if it's existing, then it's blurred with space of absolute void with no time, no light, no material at all...)
Otherwise we constantly changing vectors, and aiming to different goals. It's counterproductive.
***
One day one teacher said kind of funny thing that when "When at morning you leave you home to return at evening, it shows that was been done huge amount of "work", but "path" itself equals zero. You eventually finished at start point."
Marketing sure blurs it all
Beautiful
What is success? Is it money and acquisition? Or a deep love of what you do? As much as we don't want to admit it, the two rarely go together. People make a bunch of money and think, yeah, I can do this. It doesn't incite passion, but, whatever, I'm making bank. It's how our world molds people. Don't do what feeds your soul. Do what stocks your bank account. Anything on the outskirts is too risky and scary💔
Awesome
01:33 - Two kinds of desire: thin and thick
03:21 - Social pushing and pulling
*"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” - Samuel Beckett*
Good video, but we don’t KNOW what other animals desire, so it’s presumptuous to assume that only humans have complex desires. We’re making assumptions based on a human-centric view and that’s not scientific.
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•.✅
My STRUGGLES/dilemmas
are painful..idk what i want
to do,let alone have the
Desires or Determination..
to live a purposeful life....
idk WHAT my true desires
are..feeling so lost..and
very confused & stuck....
no meaningful or purpose
in myLIFE....🙄😭i don't
even enjoy LIFE(unfulfilling,
sad..sad LIFE........):
I want to save nature just my ultimate goal is to make green cities
Same bro
Desire is the cause of suffering .
Very interesting
That I can live simply (or simply live) now that I am retired!
we look at models when learning, seeking desires
types of desires
1. thin - highly mimetic, epheral, not rooted in us hardly, eg. like leafs on tops of rock,
2. thick - deeply rooted since our childhood eg. shaped by our parents
able to identify the 2, listening crucial.
listen to whom i am, go through ur life what makes u fullfilled, theres a pattern
What would you consider a desire that is life-long; before even mimetic influence can take hold?
Diversify and harmonize every aspect of your life.
How do you "listen to your life"?
Reflect on your life and record it. As time passes, turn to your reflection from the past and look for insights
@@healingv1sion
Some people have no mind's eye or a voice in their head you know . So technically not all people can successfully reflect on their memories .
Good question. Speaking candidly as the social media guy, I had to watch that part a few times to really feel like I understood it (4:12). I think it means looking back at your life, as others are saying, and really trying to feel when you were doing the most fulfilling and meaningful things, and orienting yourself towards that.
For different people it will inevitably vary. For one person, it might be backpacking to new places and making friends across cultures, while someone else might see that person and desire that cool-sounding trip, but not really enjoy the hassle of travel and find it more fulfilling being with their family and doing things with them. One person might have a desirable engineering job but realize they were happiest when they were working as a camp counselor; another when they feel the excitement of working on cutting-edge technology.
It's an introspective process you can do to some extent now, as he recommends going through your life and thinking of 3-5 stories to see if there's a pattern. And it's something you can also be conscious of going forward: are the activities you're engaging in the ones that are most meaningful to you, or are they things that other people like or desire but you're more going along with?
I was hoping this would help with depression since that makes it hard to know what you want since nothing feels good however this video is talking about more long term life goals. The video assumes that the viewer has had plenty of fulfilling moments but I doubt that's true for everyone. Ignoring small fleeting fulfillment like completing a video game I can't name any fulfilling moments in my life.
Also (in agreement with Lovable by Kelly Flanagan) I think it would be more appropriate to look for examples of "things you're willing to suffer for" (the Greek/Latin word for "passion" but not the English word for it) than "things that reached maximum satisfaction" (English word for "fulfillment") since some fulfillment is small fleeting irrelevant ("thin desire"). Whereas sacrificial desire (Greek passion) is something more deeply rooted ("thick desire").
We know what we want, but there are too many ways to get it.
good
It started very well... but when I heard ``your life telling you something`` I stopped.
Life does not tell us anything, as life is not a storyteller. We are instead. And the story we are telling ourselves is entirely up to how we think (or how we do not think).
When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed.
Listen to ourselves...did he mean that, think of the memories that resonate with you the most and find a pattern? (i kinda got it but idk)
I think so. Which experiences were fulfilling? We should note those and find a path to regularly experiencing similar situations.
it's is not thin or thick, but finite and infinity.
Answer: You have to find and redefine that throughout you life.
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•.✅
I just want to be left alone
what if I try to look for moments I have felt fulfilled, and I find nothing?
All I want is a small condo and a video editing job to pay the mortgage. I have everything else I want (A Gaming PC, PS4, and a laptop to work with photoshop).
Where’s your demo reel, I’ll hook it up with a job
Don’t have one? You just lost an opportunity, get editing and stop daydreaming
Imagine a world where everyone's opinions had to go through one person's emails inbox.
Have we ever questioned what would happen if there was a new version of Einstein but the only way they could tell anyone anything is by using the internet.. and then what if that internet didn't want anyone knowing about the new einstein and then we never even notice that einstien is being einstien and then everyone just makes the problem worse?
Yup!
What i found fullfilling? I thought that some people like been hit, thats pain, weird and that some like only feel good and everything makes them feel fear or uncomfortable they avoid it. Desires to me is more easy to define as a level of relationship of the man with things and states of mind, in the basic level there is needs, like eating and sleeping but the mind failed and you might get eating issues and sleeping problems, then you have wants i want this if it is material might involves some higher level of compexity and the state of mind is easy with it or obssesed with it. The rare here is that eating might be a want. So you might become obsesed with eating. Food is a need and a want and desires, should be higher than want. Desires might be like the non material, i get confused. Again needs, wants and desires are defined instead by the object. I would.try later to clarify to me this.
This guy sound like a motivational speaker. I've looked into his biography and nothing in it makes me believe or trust what he is saying.
Where is the data?
Many times in this channel, the person talking has written a book on the subject. And that's all. On occasion, not even that.
mimetic desire is a well known concept in the humanities developed by the French philosopher René Girard
And how do we listen ?
Speaking as the social media guy, I had to watch that part (4:12) a few times to really feel like I understood it. I think it means looking back at your life, as others are saying, and really trying to feel when you were doing the most fulfilling and meaningful things, and orienting yourself towards that.
For different people it will inevitably vary. For one person, it might be backpacking to new places and making friends across cultures, while someone else might see that person and desire that cool-sounding trip, but not really enjoy the hassle of travel and find it more fulfilling being with their family and doing things with them. One person might have a desirable engineering job but realize they were happiest when they were working as a camp counselor; another when they feel the excitement of working on cutting-edge technology.
It's an introspective process you can do to some extent now, as he recommends going through your life and thinking of 3-5 stories to see if there's a pattern. And it's something you can also be conscious of going forward: are the activities you're engaging in the ones that are most meaningful to you, or are they things that other people like or desire but you're more going along with?
I really wanted to know to how to know what I really want and the video started saying man is the creature that cant know what they want !
Ironic, right?
What happens when you understand the direction and desire but the universe seems to just ignore the direction you work towards?
you persist, the universe is only with the sincere and the patience.
also it is not universe but the one and only god.
@@hopegrit1868 Hello Christian, we don't need you here. Your first comment was correct though.
What does it mean to listen to our life?
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•.✅
Make a revised edition with different generations. What's your life goal? Year 2500-Intersellar space travel, year 1200-priest, year 10 ad-emperor 😂
I've been shown what I want I just got no clue how do I get it, I'm not a result of other people's desire as what I want is totally unheard of others want it
Send a direct msg right away on what’sapp👆
For a life changing investment .•.✅
I found the pattern - good at tutoring - but can't figure out a way to earn a living with it.
I want total
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS) DESIRE Does Not Erase FREEWILL r FREEDOM wen Eu Perceive a a Desire Inside Urself Eu r AWARE of it at tha point Eu r Tuuly Free because Now bein Aware of it Eu Stand in the Position of Choice Eu r Free to Decide what to do in Response to tha Desire
I don't even get it
Desire is the cause of all miseries... Gautam buddha
I've always wanted to be loved like he loves me. And I've always wanted to love him how he wants to be loved. I've wanted to experience a deep emotional connection within a traditional relationship as long as I can remember.
People who do not know what they want, usually have already lost a sense of who they are. A bit of a circular advice there.
I haven't really found anything productive in this video. Nothing is currently fulfilling in my life right now. You want me to listen to myself? What does that even mean?
I hope you provide translation into Arabic
02:56
Anyone interested in this sort of stuff should read the works of Renee Girard
I don't know what I'm listening to
Is my desire to have a beautiful girlfriend thick or thin?
I want to be a God.
I want to reset my life. LOL
LISTEN 👂 to yourself...Are not the product of other people's Desires❓
Desire mimeric - we look for people to show us what is worth wanting
Two kinds of desires thin and thick
Thick - layers of rock , it can be related to who we are
Thin - it can be the things that can be here today and gone tomorrow it can be gone it's not rooted.
For the algo!?
Okay, 1:25. So BOOOOOOOORED now. Good bye.
This man just doin Lucifer's job for all the masses