Thanks for this Paulien. I hear so much "you being distrustful is just you 'telling yourself stories' " and it's absolutely maddening. To me, I'm not "telling myself a story", I'm recognizing reality. If people didn't betray others you'd have a lot more happy hearts and a lot less good fiction and music. You offering the subtext that yeah, of course some people are untrustworthy, but other people can be trusted and it's important to distinguish them, makes a huge difference. It's still hard, even really good people can let us down, the ones who are really rock solid are rare (in my experience), and I don't know that the average is that great. That's just life, but there is good to be found. I might actually be able to work better with the "watch out for false stories you tell yourself" with this perspective, a pro stating that some but not all those judgments are false. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Very relatable comment. I also have a hard time trusting myself when I either betray myself or let someone down. That bring realistic comment is something I battle with too.
This is so helpful thank you. I'm currently working on that area of trusting those who are trust worthy. By understanding better and making better choices while also separating myself from the untrustworthy people I've previously always picked I'm beginning to trust myself more without it being blind faith. I feel more confident in making more friends as that is the path I'm currently on. Creating a safe community is very important to a fearful avoidants healing journey. I hope I can create it
I feel better about my need for Plans B+ to switch to. Not because I’m a planner, but so that I’m not blindsided or attached to a plan. I just don’t have the skills to trust myself to improvise yet as much as I wish I could. I also don’t have a solidified support system-what I do have, I either have to perform to keep or just struggle trusting at all, and I’ve had it repeatedly shown to me time and again either how fragile this all is, or how-like in the case of my online friends-they really can’t step in because of literal distance and/or their own things going on. Or…everyone means more to me than I will ever mean to them.
having buffers is something I really relate to.. but it also has a dark side.. it can get controlling plus I had a previous partner tell me that I always have a plan B.. also in a sense of potential partners (which I don't agree with) and which isn't always good if you're looking to depend on eachother..
I wonder if this is why my partner tended to have guy friends that probably wanted more and she would get rid of them because a few of them sometimes would be trying to act more than just a friend and obviously you can't have that when you're in a relationship but it always felt like they were hovering and you always try to be respectful and deal with it but at some point it just makes you feel weird that these people are supposed to be friends but they're either making your partner feel guilty if they're with you because they might want more or you're on the other side not wanting to control who they talk to but also not wanting to feel like they have people on the side that they can go to in case something doesn't go right in your current relationship and it's almost like you don't necessarily see any inappropriate behavior on the part of your partner except for maybe sometimes trying to delete somebody saying I love you or something weird but you see their effort to slowly move away from a person that's doing that and then the other people that are supposed friends kind of drift away once they realize the person has somebody but it still feels like they're in a orbit because they always eventually pop up from time to time and I believe even the most secure person can become a little anxious when they continue to see the specially when they themselves do not really go out of their way at all to talk to the opposite sex while being in a relationship out of respect for the relationship
![[Personal Story] How scared I was of my feelings | HealingFa.com](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/aXQNzyCgB-0/mqdefault.jpg)
Best channel for fearful avoidant 🎉❤
You just described my childhood perfectly! Thank you for helping me understand why I struggle with things.
Thanks for this Paulien. I hear so much "you being distrustful is just you 'telling yourself stories' " and it's absolutely maddening. To me, I'm not "telling myself a story", I'm recognizing reality. If people didn't betray others you'd have a lot more happy hearts and a lot less good fiction and music.
You offering the subtext that yeah, of course some people are untrustworthy, but other people can be trusted and it's important to distinguish them, makes a huge difference. It's still hard, even really good people can let us down, the ones who are really rock solid are rare (in my experience), and I don't know that the average is that great. That's just life, but there is good to be found.
I might actually be able to work better with the "watch out for false stories you tell yourself" with this perspective, a pro stating that some but not all those judgments are false. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Very relatable comment. I also have a hard time trusting myself when I either betray myself or let someone down. That bring realistic comment is something I battle with too.
This is so helpful thank you. I'm currently working on that area of trusting those who are trust worthy. By understanding better and making better choices while also separating myself from the untrustworthy people I've previously always picked I'm beginning to trust myself more without it being blind faith.
I feel more confident in making more friends as that is the path I'm currently on. Creating a safe community is very important to a fearful avoidants healing journey. I hope I can create it
I feel better about my need for Plans B+ to switch to. Not because I’m a planner, but so that I’m not blindsided or attached to a plan. I just don’t have the skills to trust myself to improvise yet as much as I wish I could. I also don’t have a solidified support system-what I do have, I either have to perform to keep or just struggle trusting at all, and I’ve had it repeatedly shown to me time and again either how fragile this all is, or how-like in the case of my online friends-they really can’t step in because of literal distance and/or their own things going on. Or…everyone means more to me than I will ever mean to them.
Thank you!!!
Relating to trusting people, I need more understanding about 'making myself poweless' and to get past 'social isolation'...
This is very very valuable, Paulien. Keep it up
It was helpful and comforting❤
This is helpful. Thanks.
Radical!
having buffers is something I really relate to.. but it also has a dark side.. it can get controlling plus I had a previous partner tell me that I always have a plan B.. also in a sense of potential partners (which I don't agree with) and which isn't always good if you're looking to depend on eachother..
I wonder if this is why my partner tended to have guy friends that probably wanted more and she would get rid of them because a few of them sometimes would be trying to act more than just a friend and obviously you can't have that when you're in a relationship but it always felt like they were hovering and you always try to be respectful and deal with it but at some point it just makes you feel weird that these people are supposed to be friends but they're either making your partner feel guilty if they're with you because they might want more or you're on the other side not wanting to control who they talk to but also not wanting to feel like they have people on the side that they can go to in case something doesn't go right in your current relationship and it's almost like you don't necessarily see any inappropriate behavior on the part of your partner except for maybe sometimes trying to delete somebody saying I love you or something weird but you see their effort to slowly move away from a person that's doing that and then the other people that are supposed friends kind of drift away once they realize the person has somebody but it still feels like they're in a orbit because they always eventually pop up from time to time and I believe even the most secure person can become a little anxious when they continue to see the specially when they themselves do not really go out of their way at all to talk to the opposite sex while being in a relationship out of respect for the relationship
hiii can you make a video on post break with a fearful avoidant? do they move on quick? how are they with dating apps etc
💖
how do fearful avoidants deal with breakups
I did not have a fearful avoidant parent - just neglect through avoidant parents
what abt people who put a mask of trust and then show their true colors
can you make videos on how FAs look at intimacy and sex?