Hypocrisy indeed. How dare you point out their crimes....obviously your sister learned from them well. No ethics or real morality. Letter seems an example of projection.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Their words and actions don’t match up. It’s so crazy making.. and people rarely see the distinction between the narrative and what goes on unspoken. Good luck from someone also in this sort of situation.
Keep no contact. She's playing on your family values and your hopes to fix things. She's also after your reaction to her saying "unconditional love " reactive abuse. Because you'll probably say "You don't love me" back to her. Bring you into a manipulating mess. Stay,strong,calm and know they can't be fixed.
I agree in so many ways… and yet, for some reason, I’m not sure no contact is right. I have to think about it more… would contact be me giving in, being codependent and too enmeshed, being manipulated?… or is it that grey rock or reduced contact may be better for me in the end. I definitely need to keep my distance, but at the end of the day if she’s just completely clueless (which she is) I’d like to think I can understand that and be the adult when she can’t. Ugh…. Anyway, I’m not rushing any reply that’s for sure! Thanks for the comment 😀
@@thescapegoatclubyour responsibility is to yourself. It isn't your responsibility to fix the whole situation. It's a game. The aim is to exhaust you of energy. No contact.
Such a passive aggressive letter. I have just discovered your channel and am a new subscriber. Yes, indeed - the sibling involving other family members in their illegal activities through coercion, manipulation and blackmail - is very familiar. Thank you for sharing with such vulnerability 🌺💚
My narcissist parents use the word "love" all the time. They say all the good things a hallmark card would say. Yet their actions are totally abusive and they don't care about my emotions at all. They take no responsibility for their actions, and just say the tired old phrase of "we did the best we could". All the blame is placed on me as the scapegoat.... It messes with me because they acted like abusive wolves when I was a kid. But now that they are old, they act like sheep and I am suppose to feel sorry for them through guilt.
I totally understand @produceman13. I’m so sorry to hear you were abused as a kid and now they just want you to support them. There is no responsibility or accountability, just empty words. I hope it helps to hear you aren’t alone. It’s not your fault nor is it your responsibility to fix them or feel guilty about anything. I hope you are able to get the help you need to support yourself and make the right decisions for you going forward. I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now you and I know the truth we can start to take control of our lives and do what it right for us. If they can’t evolve with us, then that’s on them. Take care
@produceman13……My narcissistic parents are now dead….but my narcissistic psychopathic oldest sister (golden child), carry’s the torch for them still…..saying that we were like any other family, and that our parents did the best that they could……NO! IT WAS HELL ON EARTH! ‘Normal’, average families, do NOT do what happened in our family. I have not had contact with her for over 6 years now, and counting. So much horror.
Those things aren’t family they are imposters running a campaign of violence abd stalking on their scapegoat for theur narc master who they have picked their sports team sides with lol human trafficking kidnapping violence abuse and gang stalking mobbing bullying gaslighting violence
Thank you for reading the letter from your mother. It was really hard to listen to - a real gut-punch. I've gotten letters like that from my parents from since I was little. It's always worded in a way that makes it look like poor old them just trying to help you out and be supportive. "Why would you be like this to us?" I got a long letter from my mother when I was 34 (48 now), telling me that I "obviously didn't want my son to have any relationship with them", and that they hope he grows up happy and healthy and that I will tell him about them sometimes. The letter went on and and on and on and on. And it was all because I couldn't attend one little family gathering - one time. I had just moved back to my country after living in Asia for 10 years and had for the most part blocked out what living near them was like. I had finally had it and wrote a long letter opening up about how they were the only people in this world who made me feel bad about myself. The response I got ignored EVERY point I had made in my letter. They were just happy I had responded. "We know it must be difficult for you to say all this to you parents." And then they continued on as usual. After 34 years I had finally laid it all out and...crickets... Now I am 48 and things haven't changed one iota. Still sending me emails and texts about how, "They have discussed a problem I am having (remember I am 48 and live on the other side of the country) and have made a decision." A decision? About what? This has nothing to do with you? Why do I have to follow your advice as if it is law and if I don't my elderly parents give me the silent treatment just like when I was 5. It's not that they do this that bothers it's more that they think they have the right to do this to me. As if they are my eternal probation officers that I need to report in with regularly. And just like a probation officer they act as if they are dealing with somebody who has transgressed in the past and they must keep a careful watchful eye on their actions. Growing up they just loved to leave notes all around the house for me, telling me how something I had done hurt them in some way. Even on FaceTime they will tell me to reword a sentence I have said, "Don't you think you want to word that better?" (in angry tone), it's just so bizarre. How can people be this so self unaware? How can people be like this to others...
Oh my gosh, Marcus, I feel like our parents are so similar. Everything ..... the guilt trips over you living your life the way you need to, rather than according to their rules.... completely disregarding it when you lay out your feelings.... feeling like they get to make the rules and you should follow.... making up stories about your life when they aren’t in it. I feel like we could share stories for hours! Thank you for sharing this. I really appreciate how hard it can be to reflect on the lack of love and support from those who should have our backs.... but, for me, hearing stories from others who ‘get it’ is priceless, so thank you so much for your comment. I am curious how you manage to carry on your relationship with them. I have found it so damaging that I’m not in contact with my parents at the moment. Even in a different country, I need more distance to feel safe and be myself. Good for you if you can do both. Take care and stay strong 🥰
@@thescapegoatclub It really is amazing (and disturbing?) how similar the patterns are and how we as scapegoats end up with similar trauma. Sharing stories is huge for sure, for yourself of course but when I hear stories so eerily similar to my own it helps so much. It’s funny how my sister (I guess she was the golden child, in my mind she was just the one they were nice to and were close with) told me out of the blue recently that she hasn’t had much of a relationship with our parents for the last two or three years. She had finally figured out that they are narcissistic, she was now seeing all of the signs because she has two older teenage children. They treat one grandchild like they treated me and they treat the other grandchild how they treated her. So when my sister saw this she didn’t understand what was going on, why are My parents acting like this? She told me about one time that her daughter was looking depressed and really sad. Turns out her grandparents were giving her the silent treatment over something silly. The silent treatment seemed like an alien idea to my sister - meaning she never got it growing up. Whereas I would get it for something as dumb as “not pacing how fast I eat my food so we all finish our meals at the same time.” Living in a different country is good for sure😃 I lived in Japan for 10 years right after university. I now live on the opposite side of the country from my parents. I don’t have any advice on dealing with narc parents - I am just coming to the realization now myself. After knowing for years something was definitely not right. Listening to your experiences has been a big help! Thanks.
@@ShivaSolentei the similarities are striking! Interesting, my sister is the golden child and also commented how our parents treat her kids completely differently. One is a favourite, the other always wrong. But when I pointed out that’s how they treated us, she complete shut down! I’m also thinking about meals… my family are super weird about eating too! They insist on eating together because ‘that’s what families do’ and then they commented or criticized everything. If I didn’t eat everything I was ungrateful and punished, if I ate too much I was greedy and selfish, if I didn’t like something I was fussy and made to eat it. We had to sit down, not eat until everyone was there, couldn’t leave until everyone had finished, posture at the table, using the right cutlery, using the cutlery correctly… oh my god, the more I remember the worse it gets! Even most recently as an adult I remember going out for meals and they would comment on what I ordered, even saying things like, ‘well, your mother and I don’t eat that because…..’ ugh! I hate group meals to this day.
That's my father and my aunts favorite way of acting .Not acknowledging the wrong they've done , gaslighting , double standards , being hypocritical , malicious intent , bullying , neglect then claim they love you all while backstabbing in you in the back the whole time .
Yes, after many years of this, my first thought when the phone would ring became "what lie did abusive sis say about me now???" The phone doesn't ring anymore. All I had to do was skip "mutha's day" and boom! I disappeared myself. So peaceful now without the abuse and head games.
The problem with these type of letters is that there is a part of us, that when reading the letter, imagines another person reading it and thinking 'what a loving letter.' Then we need to fact check ourselves and realise that the letter is entirely incongruent with what went before and that everything being said does not match the actions prior. Gaslighting is totally crazy making and it's very hard to get people to understand because the abuse is so subtle to the outside world, but utterly devastating to us. It just further isolates us from the world when we have already had to isolate ourselves by estranging.
well said Viv. I think that's the crux of it. It looks fine from the outside, the problem is when they say one thing and do another. It's so hard to explain and understand when it's happening to us, let alone trying to explain it to other people who have never experienced it. That's a huge reason for this channel... so we can support each other because, sadly, we get it.
Amen. I had a therapist read a letter from my mother and she said “she sounds like a caring person”. Sigh. Even she didn’t see the sniping in the letter. I decided there was too much damage for me to overcome. Been estranged for years now.
I recognize this story all too well. Complete emotional blackmail. I finally broke all contact 3 years ago. I have never heard from them. After decades of emotional abuse, I'm finally free. If you do respond, you'll never get what you want back. Really glad you formed this club. Finally one I belong too! Whoot!
I've received letters like this, too. In my own experience, what my family means when they say they love me, or they've loved me unconditionally, is that I am an extremely flawed person in their eyes & they've never abandoned me, even inspite of my terrible flaws. Plus, they are always hoping and praying that I will see the truth about myself and repent. But I am not the problem, of course; I am the scapegoat.
These narcissists don't live in reality. Truth is whatever they want it to be and of course they are never wrong. They have arrested development and stuck at a toddler level. When my narc mother was alive I was particularly upset after a visit with her (doesn't live near me) and wrote her a nasty email about what I felt about her and my upbringing. She reacted in such shock that I was confused for a while (until after her death when I began to explore about narcissism). I apologized and things went back exactly to how they were before. It is unreal how these people fool themselves. So I never had to go no contact, but later on I did with my brother because I kept noticing that he was subtly abusing me, reinforcing that same narrative my mother had that there is something wrong, defective and weird about me. Having my own sibling turn out to be mother dearest's mini-me was even more upsetting to me.
Hi Leslie, yes, it is so odd to finally realise they either don’t or won’t accept reality. It’s very confusing. I am sorry to hear your brother is the same. My sister is too and it’s scary. I just wonder where their humanity went. The only comfort I have is that I didn’t end up like them. But being their victim isn’t much fund either! Sending good vibes to you. Stay strong and true 💕💕
@@thescapegoatclubSibling, for me. My therapist mentioned the N word for the first time, today. I wonder - do you have a family of your own? Partner, children?
I am going through this with my family members and finally at 54 I am done. The pain will always be there I think but the relief and peace is so worth it. Love to you beautiful lady. Peace be upon you always❤
They’ve effectively stole your license. That’s criminal on their part. Involve the police-never beg from narcissists-that’s what they want. To quote Dr.Phil, you teach people how to treat you! Get tough with them!
Oh Chess, I completely relate to this. My sister was stealing money from my Aunt, I informed my Aunt as she is a kind, elderly lady and deserved to know - in turn my sister and mother (my Aunt's sister) have completely shunned me, lied to my Aunt - this was over a year ago - I sometimes speak to my Aunt still, but not my sister or mother. Not ever again. Thank you for sharing your story!
Sometimes family can be your enemies. I don't consider my biological family my family anymore. I did one thing they don't agree with and have been cut off from all get togethers and holidays for 6 years now. If you miss and love someone you try to fix the problem so you can share your life with them. The truth is 'actions speak louder than words'. I wish you the best in your situation.
I feel your pain, literally. It's the story of my life. Thank you for sharing, you deserve to be surrounded by honest and caring people like yourself. Never ever doubt that❤❤
Thank you, Chess for your vulnerable sharing. You are a truly sovereign daughter! For me and many others, the term ‘family’ does not mean what we hope for. It was a relief for me to protect myself by cutting all contact. Surprisingly, acceptance has led me to feel less alone than before. I have now built a chosen family that is so much closer to me than my family ever was. Today I lack for nothing. I feel compassion for the members of my family who don't know what they don't know.
I had a similar letter from my mum when I broke off contact it's almost like a narcissistic hoover to suck you back into the cycle. Playing happy families that's the whole game, which I why I got out. Their main concern is how it looks on them. The denial and invalidation plus devaluation a is typical of narcissistic tactic. I was stalked as a teenager, I was being watched going to school and was terrified. My mother totally minimised the situation. The guy threatened to kill me. The police were never called. She now denies the whole thing ever happened which makes me doubt my experience. It's crazy making behaviour which is what narcs do. Contact dvla re the licence it's their property and illegal to withhold it. Just know you are believed, your not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you.
My husband wrote to his parents 7 years ago explaining why he wanted no contact. His mother wrote back saying that they had struggled bringing him up and could have had him adopted (they were 16 when they had him). Therefore they were 'Not guilty' of anything and that they couldn't come to terms with anything he said. He gets cards on his birthday but not a single word about wanting to reconcile. We know they have smeared us to other family members so the estrangement will continue.
I'm glad you are aware of the situation that you are in and are taking steps to heal from this emotional abuse. I can relate to your story and although my story is quite different what is the same is that there are people who emotionally abuse others and think nothing about it. And until I cut communication off with some of them the abuse can still continue and even if the abuse stops it is still very hard to recover from this. I wish you the best and thank you for making these videos
I can understand exactly what you have been going through, iv had a enstrangent from one of my family members for about 30 years now it’s the best thing iv ever done.my family were the opposite they would sweep things under the carpet; when I would mention what they had done to me my mother would say I’m just imagining this and I’m sure they wouldn’t do that ! I put up with that for many years missed family gatherings because of them . Yes they were definitely narcissistic. So the best thing to do is completely eliminate them from your thoughts
Wow, you just popped up in my feed and what a gift you are. Thank you for sharing a story similar to mine. Trying to care for myself too. Lots of love 🤍🌌🕊️❄️🇨🇦
The only words of comfort I can give is that I had issues with my family for years , now they are really old they had suddenly changed their tune and we now have a good relationship . Think they have finally realised they are mortal and that time is short , so never give up hope , things may change in the future xx
"Do they know it's wrong?" I asked myself this question for a long time and this is my conclusion: Do they behave the same way with the people with whom they would not get away with their behavior? The answer is no. So my assumption is they know what they do. But with a scapegoat or a (co)dependant child, they assume there won't be any negative consquences FOR THEM. And that's why they behave the way they do, as it makes them feel good.
The covert, extremely subtle, nature of the actions and words used by narcissists is so difficult to deal with .. I can literally feel your frustration with the words they sent you .. so similar to what I’ve just escaped from with one of my brothers’ .. then, when I mention to others about having trouble living with my brother they will say they did too .. well, there are LEVELS of difficulty .. an argument here and there .. ok yeah I can see that happening . But my experience was I felt I was losing my mind and feared for my life … NOT THE SAME .. my nasty rotten brother was offended that I hired my neighbors to help move my stuff into a u-haul and pulled the “we are BLOOD” card on me that day and “I love you brother” thing then proceeded to ‘help’ in the precise fashion I expected in an authoritarian ‘do it as fast as possible’ on an extremely hot and humid day which was exactly WHY I didn’t want his ‘help’ .. he could not accept that I did not want or need his ‘help’ .. a little over 3 months after removing myself from around him and living in a very peaceful place around a loving type family who were all adults and kind, I was finally able to land a good job .. I truly believe 3 months of peace really helped me interview well and I was hired quickly which is rather unusual in the work I do .. the healing process continues .
I totally understand. I think that living that fear (I too felt my life was in danger) is not normal. And when we finally get out and around healthy people the dysfunction becomes even more apparent. It’s still so hard to explain though…. Yeah, that frustration is real. But I think I’m finally learning (or trying to) that I don’t have to explain it. If there are people who don’t support us….. screw them. We don’t have to justify ourselves. If we are decent people then we will be judged for that… unless the judge is insecure for their own reasons, which we don’t need. Hopefully one day our confidence will be so high that this is all ancient history! And your brother forcing his ‘help’ upon you too… there’s a boundary violation there. It’s up to you to move how you want… a healthy response is ok, I’ll be around if you decide you need a hand. Sadly, it makes us look ungrateful when we don’t want the ‘help’. Or they try to paint it that way. Ugh. But I am so happy to hear you are living a fresh new start and healing! Here’s to freedom!!!
@@thescapegoatclub yes, I like hearing different perspectives from folks like yourself and a number of others. Some of them are in different stages of that ‘healing path’ we all seek .. Batel Skater seems to be really far along .. there is a point where the “ I just don’t care anymore” becomes the real point of change and healing .. I reached that point with my brother and I’m testing my other siblings (5 others, 2 have completely failed) .. so now I am very selective on what is shared I told two how poorly he treated me and response which tells me a lot about them . I know our mother was the covert narcissist and Dad was an enabler .. she probably trapped him with so many kids but if I said that to my siblings they’d pop a cork lol .. funny thing is I don’t care .. so freeing . but I’ll be selective on popping corks lol I have the fortune of really good ppl as just a support network and many of us survivors of these terrible things DONT have . I hope you do as it helps . even though most of the work is on us not others .. you DO NOT have to explain it … to them .. or US as an audience .. you just do the best you can WHEN you feel like it and it is okay .. the huge value of that is that someone somewhere will hear it from your perspective and it will click and then they see it in their life and they can start in the journey of healing .. that’s how it happened to me .. but it started 5 years ago and wasn’t my brother so it proves our vulnerability along the way
You explained that very well. I thought your therapists question was weird and totally irrelevant. What matters is you getting the support you need. This kind of abuse really messes with your head and has long term effects. Especially when it’s your own family. I listen to Sam Vaknins videos as well. He is very knowledgeable about how narcissists work. He is one and specialises in it.
I feel this video. I’ve been through amazingly similar things. Letters like this are confusing and nonsensical because they profess to make a connection but…..there is negative judgement of you in the very letter. I got those too and have had zero contact with parents now for approx 4 years….and I’m in my 60’s. I had to disengage to take control of my own thoughts and time. They were costing me too much. Anyway, I’m with you in this.
Sounded to me like they wanted “your love and support”, because “they” felt a loss of friends, family… blah blah blah. They obviously know you’re a strong and kind person, a good supply source of energy for “them” that “they miss having”. Oh, and btw- given your previous letter to them- your concerns are irrelevant to them… And I wonder if; maybe they were suspect, for covering for crimes you sister committed- so they’re looking to scapegoat you again; so they can get your golden child sis set free? . Sweetie, I hope you didn’t, and never contact these manipulative people ever again. (This was the 1st time I ever saw one of your videos. New sub. And I hope you’re doing well these days. God bless you.)
If people that were not aware of what narc abuse is were to read that letter on face value, they would say 'What sweet people'. And that's what they do: write abusive and threatening messages but in a way that looks sweet and innocent on the surface, and only you know what is going on, which means that you can't turn to someone else for support, because other people won't see it.
Keep looking at the “ facts” of the situation. Don’t get caught up in the emotional manipulation. It is good to hear you confirm that “yes, you need to look after yourself first”. until you get perspective. And it sounds like you have a good therapist.
They write letters like that, as if it is for the world to read of how great they are - ignoring everything else including the Truth of how they are deliberately mistreating their [scapegoat] child, while they elevate the golden child. My parent wrote that "my doors are open / we have plenty of rooms part", but when I offered 2 different (flexible) timeframes to work with.. for 2 different months to choose from for 2 months in the future, I got a response, "I can't plan that far ahead and need to live in the moment, let's look at it in a couple months". Meanwhile, I found out later the parent was set to remarry (the spouse had died 2 years prior) with a date set within a few weeks of that response (& only told me that part 2 days before the ceremony & I had not even heard there was any dating going on; nor invoted to the ceremony). A future month was already earmarked for the honeymoon travel too (which was neither of the months I offered, but for the month after).[Smh!] After I was told about that, the parent weirdly repeated, our doors are wide open, we have plenty of rooms. But obviously, they are not. What a sickness these types of people have. Wow!!!! / Thank you for sharing and creating a place where can be here in Spirit & kindness for each other!🙏💖✨️
Totally nailing the abuse! As I navigate in a very similar situation, a year on after lots of healing work I see that their initial reaction to my first email, explaining in a very polite and respectful way, I could no longer be part of their fabricated dramas (making it clear that I’m the culprit when in fact I haven’t done anything bad) there was radio silence for over a month. This is the true abuse because how I see it now is that by not responding that is saying that is normal and okay for them to have done that. That gives you all the information you need. They are okay in making you feel bad about yourself. The subsequent guilt tripping letters similar to yours just didn’t wash after that again on my birthday same sort of communication by that point it left me completely cold because I had my first answer which is you’re okay with making me bad that that’s all I need to know. Thank you Goodbye.
The tactics described sounds just like my x, and his flying monkeys. I had people turn up to the house where I live, angrily yelling they were going to 'take me out', peopke hating me, afraid I am diseased, all sorts of totally bizzare claims. I have never done anything beyond trying to defend myself against abuse, that in each instance was something that I thought no person would ever do to another. The things these people do, and the things they seem to be able to convince people of, is mind blowing. I am dumb founded on both accounts. I think once you actually find out what a narcissist is, and start to learn the psychology of such a condition, it helps to put things in perspective. Good people will take the time, and see the truth. Bad people will jump on board, because they are bad people already. The gift in this is we are given the gift of seeing the bad people, we know who we need to protect ourselves from. Distancing yourself, is not being uncaring. It is self preservation, we want to stay alive, not die at the hands of people possessed 🤔 I for one, say you are doing the right thing, and in my experience, let them have their last letter of decietful lies. It is only to bait you into writing back, to give them more ammunition against you. Anything you do or say will be used against you. That is how my x worked, and from what I am learning, that is how a narcissist, and his flying monkeys, play their evil games
When I first saw you on this video, you looked war-torn. You also looked very brave and proud to testify what had happened to you with your parents. I applaud and commend you for stepping forward and calling out their destructive behavior and attitude. We know this is not about parent bashing this is not about hating on parents. This truly is about calling out behavior. I've had to go through the same thing in my head when calling out my aunt's abuse of me. I'm sure that she would look you right in the face and tell you that she never abused me that she was loving and kind to me. She would even testify that she was some kind of heroin and I was the villain. We have to call out this attitude truly. This is war and this is not war on our parents this is war on abuse!
"Do they know what they've done is wrong? I don't know, it is my responsibility to look after myself and distance myself as much as possible." Well said. We are the same age and I have had similar influence from my parent for the last number of decades. Where it is push pull sort of thing. But really how can you properly forgive someone who is unwilling to ever accept their part in what happened? They are never willing to address it or speak on it ( or the multiple ongoing issues). They sweep things under the rug. I have had so many mixed messages, and my emotional safety is reducing contact as much as possible. I know that may be displeasing to the one parent remaining, but I am working with my own feelings of obligation...and also doing what is right for me. Instead of being caught in these gaslighting semi abusive or outright abusive cycles, we take our power and self agency back by making the best decision for ourselves as the individual. I so much feel your posts. You seem like a lovely woman and someone I would want as a friend. :)
I am definitely in your club. I believe you. I know narcissists are weak in logic & rational reasoning but I think there is something else in addition to that. It looks like they do do not care in the slightest whether they are telling lies/truth or not. Do they have some particular difficulty, in distinguishing between the two, maybe as a result of their weakness in logical thought & rational reasoning, or is it just that they do not have a conscience, indicating that psychopathy is also an issue. Maybe their big feeling of entitlement sticks out so much that it obscures any chance of a reasonably objective view of events?
Dear Jess ~ your pain is so evident. I can so relate ~ 10 years now no sisters. Still very painful but unfortunately when no abuse (by one older sister) is acknowledged, I had no choice for my own mental health. Thank you for sharing this ~ Shelley
Thank you for this video, Chess: I sincerely empathize with your situation, and you are very brave and very kind to be helping others in the way that you are doing, because it is very painful to go through these things. Many of us are struggling with situations that have similar dynamics, and it feels like the ninth circle of hell sometimes. Stay strong: you are making a difference, and you are important to us, your audiences and listeners.
Thank you so much! I'm having a tough day- wondering why I'm putting all this out there. Comments like yours really help remind me that I am hopefully helping a bit. Thanks.
It's so sad to see that they have such a callous approach to the situation. They're old enough to know that what they're doing is wrong. Stay strong and move on 💪. It's time to let go. even though your emotions will come back to haunt you from time to time you need to go forward.
Identical to the narcissistic, cruel gaslighters in my so called family whom I am thrilled to have ditched after years of abuse of many kinds. You are an empath among narcissists and that's a hard road. But you are not alone.
The letter reminds me of my mother😢 I v had many letters . It was always full of shit. Fingerpointing to me. Never,never, it was about my parents. It went on for many years and because i did 't react both my parents started stalking me over the phone and said things to me you should never ever say to your child. It never stopped until they become sick died.
It doesn't matter if your parents know that what they're doing is wrong. You've told them what you need and they aren't even acknowledging your request. That says it all.
Classic gaslighting. 'You didn't see what you saw, and you didn't hear what you heard'. I have gone 'no contact' with people in my family who live in this type of fantasy world. Thanks for posting this!
I received 2 or 3 nasty letters from my narcissistic mother over the years. What I always thought was kind of funny was how she imvoked my deceased fathers opinions too. She is also gone now and a major source of stress has gone away.
Narcissistic #wordsalad They will never be accountable for anything. "Now, just play the role they assigned you." They're the worst. You're better off without them. I went #nocontact a couple years ago. Best and hardest decision at the time to make in my life. Never go back. ❤🎉😊
That sounds like something I'd get from my parents. Hugs Chess. My mother doesn't write to me. Actually the only time she did was when she shafted my daughter and tried to extrapolate herself by blaming my daughter for the 'misunderstanding, I ignored the mail. . My daughter had flown to the UK went straight to visit them. Got all the digs, snide remarks and told what a failure her mother is etc. When she thanked my father for having her he replied that it's not like they had much choice in the matter. She was shocked. They invited her for Christmas but in the November the golden boy invited them to his place ( usually the invite arrives two days before and only in recent years and being 86 they would have to drive the three hour round trip since he's always too busy and important) so they uninvited her. She was on her own in London. She wasn't invited to the GC Christmas get together.
Dealing with a couple of malignant covert or overt narcissists, particularly mother and father, will leave the child powerless and they know it! I hope your situation has been solved and are on your way to ultimate freedom and self-empowerment (driver's license = freedom) 🙏❤
I’m an estranged mother. It has been 4 years. I have done so much personal introspection which started me on a journey of the dark night of the soul. In my situation my daughter and I were very harmonious in our relationship. We lived together until I moved , not far away because she was coming with me. Moving forward …… and backwards. I’m a 68 year old scapegoat! Oh the joy. I was also a single parent. Maybe some parents out there will relate to me when I say this ……… I love my daughter more than I love God. But I guess that’s what it’s like when you grow up in a highly dysfunctional family as the scapegoat!🤔 For the past 4 years I’ve been called the usual ……… narcissistic and other things. I may have been (?) I don’t know! My therapist says NO! This estrangement has caused me to question my mental health. BUT THATS NOT WHY I’m commenting! You poor child. Seriously! Your story is so sad. I would definitely keep an emotional and physical distance from your parents! And you seem to be in such pain. I’m sorry they did that. What they did was horrible. I fully support your estrangement. There are so many horrible parents. We bring our dysfunction to the dinner table. I’m so sorry that happened to you. What your parents did ……… that’s brutal. BRUTAL.
Thank you for such a kind message. I appreciate your openness to seeing different perspectives, which is so hard for so many, especially when we’re in a lot of emotional pain. I truly hope that you are able to find peace from your own family experience, and that that perhaps creates space for a change in your relationship with your daughter. Take care and wishing you the very best, C.
This is so sad but true no matter what a person who loves you gives to you and a person who loves you didn't lie to you and your children they are soulless lieing sick people who don't care about anything but themselves and don't try to reason to what can not be reason with you will drive your. Self crazy she already is
The thing I have a hard time with is, that it is ever triggering to remain in close contact with family members where you have this sort of past with...no matter who they are choosing to show up as today, or if they seem like they are trying to do better (as the letter your just read out seems like all the strings are neatly tied up,, and everything looks clean and polished on their end and they are ready to welcome you back with loving arms- meanwhile invalidating you and dismissing you by never addressing your needs. It is subtle, sometimes overt, yet always toxic behavior). Because inevitably there will still be triggers coming up based on decades of past abuse, where things that might look small to others, are big to you for all the stuff you have already endured with those family members for decades. If people are unwilling to apologize or resolve things with deep and felt understanding etc...then it is not resolved....they were incapable of attuning to our needs. And it continues to be a struggle for them to align with us, just due to who they are.
Retaining the driving licence is about retaining even the smallest bit of control over you and punishing you, of course. Order a new one and dont engage...
I think, they always believe they are right. They don't mind, they don't care about you. If you need help,they are far away. This people always cause trouble.Parents or not,life is better without them and their manupulation and abuse. Even in you play the grey rock, they will hurt you. No contect is the only way. Sad but true. Stay strong,you can do it. Best wishes for you.
Please take care of yourself! You are doing good for so many people..that watch you. The withholding of your license..is small..mean and petty. If it's their " honor" they want to. preserve..the joke will be on them. Distancing yourself is what is needed..you do not need..nor want these constant stressful..goings on..in your life. You cannot control other peopled their behavior.but you can very much control your reactions. Sadly, this happens within a family...but.your peace of mind..is PRIORITY. GOD Bless..and protect you from further trauma.
I'm the covert narcissist who has driven my family away. My mother abused me horribly but that is no excuse. I have trouble caring about my siblings and even my husband, his sons and their families and even our own daughter.
Thank you for being so honest. I’m sorry that this is happening. I wonder if you feel you’d like to change things? Do you feel you could act differently?
Oh my goodness Chess, I'm so sorry. What a dreadful situation. But I think you are absolutely spot on in your intuition of that letter. It is so wrong what they did in retaining your license, omgosh. They had no right to do that, and it is cruel. In the US it would be illegal. But then i wondered were they trying to bait you into making an issue of it, then use that reaction as justification for something. IDK. That letter is a guiltbomb, manipulation, gaslighting, FOG. Talk about self-justifying lies, and blantant inversion of the truth. Love? How is any of their behavior love? Love is a verb, not a noun. The whole thing drips with lies. Whether it's lies they tell themselves as not to spontaneously combust from wickedness, or lies of delusion, IDK. I think the term they use for that is called "dog whistling" as they know the blatant nature of it will be something you understand but an onlooker would not, they might say "Awww, how caring, what nice letter" Its all an act in their show. But as you were reading it, it made me feel sick to my stomach. Honestly, I just got a similar email in March, and I'm not kidding, they go by the same script and playbook. I've been reading a book titled "Healing from Hidden Abuse" and it talks of this covert type of malignant narcissist, the show they put on, how its the diametric opposite of the truth---and ironically that is the proof right there that they KNOW its wrong, what they do. How else could they turn on the charm like a lightswitch for their "audience" but with you, one who should be their beloved and cherished daughter, their actions speak of contempt and cruelty. Chess, I'm so glad you got away from them all and went no contact. They are so toxic, and you so do not deserve that. Anyone with a heart and brain can see you are a caring empathic and beautiful person inwardly and outwardly. Your vids have helped me so much. Thank you! There is a channel called The enlightened target. Just wanted to mention it because she too had exceedingly toxic family that reminds me of this, and was the scapegoat. I realize this vid was some time ago, but praying for you now anyway. You are strong, praying you are blessed with all good things.❤💜 purple heart for bravery.
Thank you so much for such a validating and supportive message. I appreciate you taking the time to write it (and your other comments!). Yes, this was a while ago now, but it is still something I think about…. though less so as time goes on. I think it is valid to remind myself the reasons why I had to leave. I’m sorry that you have experienced something similar. Isn’t it crazy just how the same patterns arise? Thank you for sharing those resources, and again, for being here. I appreciate you 💕💕
@@thescapegoatclub Thank you too so much Chess. Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to reply. It really means a lot. I just went no contact again about 2 months ago, after a 17 year no contact. Your idea of having reminders for grounding is so good, I need to do that as well. Kicking myself a bit for falling for the hoover bear trap, it proved quite a lesson, and quite damaging, even to physical health. Other than a rinse repeat cycle smear they just began, all is well and on the upswing thankfully. For some reason writing is helping me unscramble my tattered brain from the jolt of it all. So thank you so much for welcoming me. 💜💕
oops, p.s. About the patterns, omgoodness, yes, it IS crazy! The patterns are so consistent across the board, it hardly seems possible. But it’s real. This aspect of npd alone both fascinates and repulses me at the same time. It’s like I have to find the root cause or common denominator of it. So I went down a proverbial rabbit hole. Turns out all of the most wicked characters in the bible had the same NPD traits, and the Rephiam, hybrids of the giants of Genesis 3 and 6 have psychopathy as a main trait. The good news is, all prophets and chosen ones were all empathic truth-tellers types, targeted by the wicked consistently for speaking the truth. Hmmmm. Yet ultimately evil will not prevail in the end at all. Yay! Good wins, light wins, peace reigns at last. This hope is the blessed hope I long to see. Stay strong dear Chess, the best is truly yet to be.💜🙏👍💕
They are from a different generation and don't understand. You have permission to create a boundary that helps you stay emotionally healthy. You do not have to struggle anymore with guilt about it. If necessary completely cut off communication by refusing letters and contact.
I feel lucky my parents dont write letters, no gaslighting. They leave us be. We don't give them "feed" anymore. Myself and my brother. I assume they are being fed elsewhere with some other poor soul.
They REALLY think that they are doing what is right and good for YOU! Because they love you and only want the best for you and think they know what that is😖 I feel your pain. I have the same pain! Get all the way out! It will always be the same ALWAYS!!! This from a 64 yr old female with a still alive and kicking 90 yr old narc mother! Oh…. Did I say ALWAYS… painful I know.. EXCRUCIATING 😣
Bless your heart. Indeed, can relate. Unfortunately, the prior generations were made of a different mold of social appearances rather than truth creating generational disfunction. It reminds of a scripture. Proverbs 28:13-17 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: But whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.
How can you reenter the disfunction without slipping back in your "role" for them? If you don't play your role, how can they tolerate your authenticity? It is so awkward and uncomfortable to be with blind as the only one who sees.
I can't count how many times I have said I'm done. It's difficult because after all, look at all the abuse I'll be missing. Sooner or later you realize you miss your front teeth and the tire tracks on your back look terrible in a swimsuit! Onward and upward! Never look back. Your showing up for them equates to saying Hey y'all, I'm ready for more abuse!
Man, I would be so happy to be not in relationship with them, sister, mom and silent (she spoke for him in the letter) dad. They cover for the sister and anything said against her is a slap, to them. They will always act like you are the problem and as my dad said once, “you can not negotiate with a terrorist.” The ability to feel joy instead of the agony of them is far over due. Begin now and do not question. You are NOT the problem.
@@JoanthebrightoneYes it most certainly was and a big advantage of being nearly 50 is you have many years of experience and see these things for what they are unlike when you are 20 and haven't had much experience of life!
Urgh. So passive aggressive and gaslighting. I came back to this video as my Dad's wife has decided to email me out of the blue to tell me he's having surgery and 'your Dad loves you' 😑
Aaargh- the worst. And so predictable- any emotional blackmail angle they can pull will be used, and 'love' bandied around when it suits them. Hope you're ok.
At least she let you know 😔😒 I know it still hurt so I’m not trying to make light of it. My Dad’s 2nd wife deleted and blocked my phone calls and messages to my Dad, erasing me out of his life. But then begged my Mom for photos of me as a child to manipulate my Dad and mix them up with her old adult children my same age who they visited several times a year, bought a condo for with my Dad’s money, etc.
Its really hard, I understand. Saying one thing, when their actions say another is sadly par for course. 😢 Stay strong! May God bless you🌻
It is so confusing. I'm sorry you understand, but I appreciate your supportive message!
Hypocrisy indeed. How dare you point out their crimes....obviously your sister learned from them well. No ethics or real morality. Letter seems an example of projection.
I was being sarcastic btw AND in the US stealing mail thats not theirs especially legal documents is a FELONY.
Thing is actions show intentions!
I don't listen to what they say I watch how they behave!
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Their words and actions don’t match up. It’s so crazy making..
and people rarely see the distinction between the narrative and what goes on unspoken.
Good luck from someone also in this sort of situation.
Sorry to hear you’re in this too…. But thanks for sharing! Sending good vibes back to you 💞💞
Thing is with people like that actions show intentions!
Thanks for courage to share.Yes, actions speak louder than words.
Keep no contact. She's playing on your family values and your hopes to fix things. She's also after your reaction to her saying "unconditional love " reactive abuse. Because you'll probably say "You don't love me" back to her. Bring you into a manipulating mess. Stay,strong,calm and know they can't be fixed.
I agree in so many ways… and yet, for some reason, I’m not sure no contact is right. I have to think about it more… would contact be me giving in, being codependent and too enmeshed, being manipulated?… or is it that grey rock or reduced contact may be better for me in the end. I definitely need to keep my distance, but at the end of the day if she’s just completely clueless (which she is) I’d like to think I can understand that and be the adult when she can’t. Ugh…. Anyway, I’m not rushing any reply that’s for sure! Thanks for the comment 😀
@@thescapegoatclub she,they will always be playing you. Take the ball out of the game. Don't hit it over the net..game over.
Yes so many trigger points in that letter.
@@thescapegoatclubyour responsibility is to yourself. It isn't your responsibility to fix the whole situation. It's a game. The aim is to exhaust you of energy. No contact.
Such a passive aggressive letter. I have just discovered your channel and am a new subscriber. Yes, indeed - the sibling involving other family members in their illegal activities through coercion, manipulation and blackmail - is very familiar. Thank you for sharing with such vulnerability 🌺💚
Thank you so much! And welcome to the club!
Gang stalking gaslighting scapegoat their victims who’s only crime was rejecting the fake family and their scapegoating retaliation violence
That letter is hilarious. Narcissists always believe ‘they’ are the injured party and they want everyone else to believe it, too.
Victim or hero. From one extreme to the other.
They are always the victim.
My narcissist parents use the word "love" all the time. They say all the good things a hallmark card would say. Yet their actions are totally abusive and they don't care about my emotions at all. They take no responsibility for their actions, and just say the tired old phrase of "we did the best we could". All the blame is placed on me as the scapegoat....
It messes with me because they acted like abusive wolves when I was a kid. But now that they are old, they act like sheep and I am suppose to feel sorry for them through guilt.
I totally understand @produceman13. I’m so sorry to hear you were abused as a kid and now they just want you to support them. There is no responsibility or accountability, just empty words.
I hope it helps to hear you aren’t alone. It’s not your fault nor is it your responsibility to fix them or feel guilty about anything. I hope you are able to get the help you need to support yourself and make the right decisions for you going forward. I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now you and I know the truth we can start to take control of our lives and do what it right for us. If they can’t evolve with us, then that’s on them.
Take care
My mother never said she did the best she could..she said we raised ourselves😳.
@produceman13……My narcissistic parents are now dead….but my narcissistic psychopathic oldest sister (golden child), carry’s the torch for them still…..saying that we were like any other family, and that our parents did the best that they could……NO! IT WAS HELL ON EARTH! ‘Normal’, average families, do NOT do what happened in our family.
I have not had contact with her for over 6 years now, and counting. So much horror.
Just because they get old does not mean they aren’t abusive any longer
That letter sounds scarily like the ones my mom used to write me. She's a narcissist. I still stay away.
Best thing to do is stay away!
Your video is still helping people 3 years later! Thank you for sharing something so close to your heart.♥️
My prayers go out to you concerning what you’re going through with your family.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comment 😊
Those things aren’t family they are imposters running a campaign of violence abd stalking on their scapegoat for theur narc master who they have picked their sports team sides with lol human trafficking kidnapping violence abuse and gang stalking mobbing bullying gaslighting violence
Thank you for reading the letter from your mother. It was really hard to listen to - a real gut-punch. I've gotten letters like that from my parents from since I was little. It's always worded in a way that makes it look like poor old them just trying to help you out and be supportive. "Why would you be like this to us?" I got a long letter from my mother when I was 34 (48 now), telling me that I "obviously didn't want my son to have any relationship with them", and that they hope he grows up happy and healthy and that I will tell him about them sometimes. The letter went on and and on and on and on. And it was all because I couldn't attend one little family gathering - one time. I had just moved back to my country after living in Asia for 10 years and had for the most part blocked out what living near them was like. I had finally had it and wrote a long letter opening up about how they were the only people in this world who made me feel bad about myself. The response I got ignored EVERY point I had made in my letter. They were just happy I had responded. "We know it must be difficult for you to say all this to you parents." And then they continued on as usual. After 34 years I had finally laid it all out and...crickets... Now I am 48 and things haven't changed one iota. Still sending me emails and texts about how, "They have discussed a problem I am having (remember I am 48 and live on the other side of the country) and have made a decision." A decision? About what? This has nothing to do with you? Why do I have to follow your advice as if it is law and if I don't my elderly parents give me the silent treatment just like when I was 5. It's not that they do this that bothers it's more that they think they have the right to do this to me. As if they are my eternal probation officers that I need to report in with regularly. And just like a probation officer they act as if they are dealing with somebody who has transgressed in the past and they must keep a careful watchful eye on their actions. Growing up they just loved to leave notes all around the house for me, telling me how something I had done hurt them in some way. Even on FaceTime they will tell me to reword a sentence I have said, "Don't you think you want to word that better?" (in angry tone), it's just so bizarre. How can people be this so self unaware? How can people be like this to others...
Oh my gosh, Marcus, I feel like our parents are so similar. Everything ..... the guilt trips over you living your life the way you need to, rather than according to their rules.... completely disregarding it when you lay out your feelings.... feeling like they get to make the rules and you should follow.... making up stories about your life when they aren’t in it. I feel like we could share stories for hours!
Thank you for sharing this. I really appreciate how hard it can be to reflect on the lack of love and support from those who should have our backs.... but, for me, hearing stories from others who ‘get it’ is priceless, so thank you so much for your comment.
I am curious how you manage to carry on your relationship with them. I have found it so damaging that I’m not in contact with my parents at the moment. Even in a different country, I need more distance to feel safe and be myself. Good for you if you can do both.
Take care and stay strong 🥰
@@thescapegoatclub It really is amazing (and disturbing?) how similar the patterns are and how we as scapegoats end up with similar trauma. Sharing stories is huge for sure, for yourself of course but when I hear stories so eerily similar to my own it helps so much. It’s funny how my sister (I guess she was the golden child, in my mind she was just the one they were nice to and were close with) told me out of the blue recently that she hasn’t had much of a relationship with our parents for the last two or three years. She had finally figured out that they are narcissistic, she was now seeing all of the signs because she has two older teenage children. They treat one grandchild like they treated me and they treat the other grandchild how they treated her. So when my sister saw this she didn’t understand what was going on, why are My parents acting like this? She told me about one time that her daughter was looking depressed and really sad. Turns out her grandparents were giving her the silent treatment over something silly. The silent treatment seemed like an alien idea to my sister - meaning she never got it growing up. Whereas I would get it for something as dumb as “not pacing how fast I eat my food so we all finish our meals at the same time.”
Living in a different country is good for sure😃 I lived in Japan for 10 years right after university. I now live on the opposite side of the country from my parents.
I don’t have any advice on dealing with narc parents - I am just coming to the realization now myself. After knowing for years something was definitely not right.
Listening to your experiences has been a big help! Thanks.
@@ShivaSolentei the similarities are striking! Interesting, my sister is the golden child and also commented how our parents treat her kids completely differently. One is a favourite, the other always wrong. But when I pointed out that’s how they treated us, she complete shut down!
I’m also thinking about meals… my family are super weird about eating too! They insist on eating together because ‘that’s what families do’ and then they commented or criticized everything. If I didn’t eat everything I was ungrateful and punished, if I ate too much I was greedy and selfish, if I didn’t like something I was fussy and made to eat it. We had to sit down, not eat until everyone was there, couldn’t leave until everyone had finished, posture at the table, using the right cutlery, using the cutlery correctly… oh my god, the more I remember the worse it gets! Even most recently as an adult I remember going out for meals and they would comment on what I ordered, even saying things like, ‘well, your mother and I don’t eat that because…..’ ugh! I hate group meals to this day.
@@thescapegoatclub Ditto.
That's my father and my aunts favorite way of acting .Not acknowledging the wrong they've done , gaslighting , double standards , being hypocritical , malicious intent , bullying , neglect then claim they love you all while backstabbing in you in the back the whole time .
Yes, after many years of this, my first thought when the phone would ring became "what lie did abusive sis say about me now???" The phone doesn't ring anymore. All I had to do was skip "mutha's day" and boom! I disappeared myself. So peaceful now without the abuse and head games.
The problem with these type of letters is that there is a part of us, that when reading the letter, imagines another person reading it and thinking 'what a loving letter.' Then we need to fact check ourselves and realise that the letter is entirely incongruent with what went before and that everything being said does not match the actions prior. Gaslighting is totally crazy making and it's very hard to get people to understand because the abuse is so subtle to the outside world, but utterly devastating to us. It just further isolates us from the world when we have already had to isolate ourselves by estranging.
well said Viv. I think that's the crux of it. It looks fine from the outside, the problem is when they say one thing and do another. It's so hard to explain and understand when it's happening to us, let alone trying to explain it to other people who have never experienced it. That's a huge reason for this channel... so we can support each other because, sadly, we get it.
Amen. I had a therapist read a letter from my mother and she said “she sounds like a caring person”. Sigh. Even she didn’t see the sniping in the letter. I decided there was too much damage for me to overcome. Been estranged for years now.
Wow…this was so well put.
Yes..tha is true..but the license withholding bit is what gives it away.
So true. That's why I no longer open these letters or emails. The quicker we understand there is no "fixing" possible, the better.
I recognize this story all too well. Complete emotional blackmail. I finally broke all contact 3 years ago. I have never heard from them. After decades of emotional abuse, I'm finally free.
If you do respond, you'll never get what you want back. Really glad you formed this club. Finally one I belong too! Whoot!
So glad you are free! And very happy you’re in the club, even if I wish we didn’t need it. 🤨😊
I've received letters like this, too. In my own experience, what my family means when they say they love me, or they've loved me unconditionally, is that I am an extremely flawed person in their eyes & they've never abandoned me, even inspite of my terrible flaws. Plus, they are always hoping and praying that I will see the truth about myself and repent. But I am not the problem, of course; I am the scapegoat.
I think if you go back to them you'll have a lot more to worry about losing than a driving licence. Thank you for sharing. I wish you peace.
You are so right. Thank you for being here 😊
These narcissists don't live in reality. Truth is whatever they want it to be and of course they are never wrong. They have arrested development and stuck at a toddler level. When my narc mother was alive I was particularly upset after a visit with her (doesn't live near me) and wrote her a nasty email about what I felt about her and my upbringing. She reacted in such shock that I was confused for a while (until after her death when I began to explore about narcissism). I apologized and things went back exactly to how they were before. It is unreal how these people fool themselves. So I never had to go no contact, but later on I did with my brother because I kept noticing that he was subtly abusing me, reinforcing that same narrative my mother had that there is something wrong, defective and weird about me. Having my own sibling turn out to be mother dearest's mini-me was even more upsetting to me.
Hi Leslie, yes, it is so odd to finally realise they either don’t or won’t accept reality. It’s very confusing. I am sorry to hear your brother is the same. My sister is too and it’s scary. I just wonder where their humanity went. The only comfort I have is that I didn’t end up like them. But being their victim isn’t much fund either! Sending good vibes to you. Stay strong and true 💕💕
@@thescapegoatclub Thank you. Sending good vibes your way too 🙂
@@thescapegoatclubSibling, for me. My therapist mentioned the N word for the first time, today.
I wonder - do you have a family of your own? Partner, children?
Truth is an extremely painful experience for people who scapegoat others for the benefit of themselves.
So sorry you are going through this. Hugs love and prayers heading your way. Hang in there 🙏💜🙏
Thank you so much!
I am going through this with my family members and finally at 54 I am done. The pain will always be there I think but the relief and peace is so worth it. Love to you beautiful lady. Peace be upon you always❤
They’ve effectively stole your license. That’s criminal on their part. Involve the police-never beg from narcissists-that’s what they want. To quote Dr.Phil, you teach people how to treat you! Get tough with them!
I recognize the exhaustion and defeat in you
Hold steady to what you deeply know
I feel for you❤️
Oh Chess, I completely relate to this. My sister was stealing money from my Aunt, I informed my Aunt as she is a kind, elderly lady and deserved to know - in turn my sister and mother (my Aunt's sister) have completely shunned me, lied to my Aunt - this was over a year ago - I sometimes speak to my Aunt still, but not my sister or mother. Not ever again. Thank you for sharing your story!
Sometimes family can be your enemies. I don't consider my biological family my family anymore. I did one thing they don't agree with and have been cut off from all get togethers and holidays for 6 years now. If you miss and love someone you try to fix the problem so you can share your life with them. The truth is 'actions speak louder than words'. I wish you the best in your situation.
I feel your pain, literally. It's the story of my life. Thank you for sharing, you deserve to be surrounded by honest and caring people like yourself. Never ever doubt that❤❤
Thank you, Chess for your vulnerable sharing. You are a truly sovereign daughter! For me and many others, the term ‘family’ does not mean what we hope for. It was a relief for me to protect myself by cutting all contact. Surprisingly, acceptance has led me to feel less alone than before. I have now built a chosen family that is so much closer to me than my family ever was. Today I lack for nothing. I feel compassion for the members of my family who don't know what they don't know.
I had a similar letter from my mum when I broke off contact it's almost like a narcissistic hoover to suck you back into the cycle. Playing happy families that's the whole game, which I why I got out. Their main concern is how it looks on them. The denial and invalidation plus devaluation a is typical of narcissistic tactic. I was stalked as a teenager, I was being watched going to school and was terrified. My mother totally minimised the situation. The guy threatened to kill me. The police were never called. She now denies the whole thing ever happened which makes me doubt my experience. It's crazy making behaviour which is what narcs do. Contact dvla re the licence it's their property and illegal to withhold it. Just know you are believed, your not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you.
My husband wrote to his parents 7 years ago explaining why he wanted no contact. His mother wrote back saying that they had struggled bringing him up and could have had him adopted (they were 16 when they had him). Therefore they were 'Not guilty' of anything and that they couldn't come to terms with anything he said. He gets cards on his birthday but not a single word about wanting to reconcile. We know they have smeared us to other family members so the estrangement will continue.
They don't understand how to be decent people. Nailed it there.
You are an extremely strong woman. I wish I had your courage. ❤
Thank you for sharing . You are a very brave and honest woman.
Hod bless you ❤
I'm glad you are aware of the situation that you are in and are taking steps to heal from this emotional abuse. I can relate to your story and although my story is quite different what is the same is that there are people who emotionally abuse others and think nothing about it. And until I cut communication off with some of them the abuse can still continue and even if the abuse stops it is still very hard to recover from this. I wish you the best and thank you for making these videos
Thank you Arica. I am sorry you’ve had difficulties too, and hope you are now safe and recovering. 💕💕
I can understand exactly what you have been going through, iv had a enstrangent from one of my family members for about 30 years now it’s the best thing iv ever done.my family were the opposite they would sweep things under the carpet; when I would mention what they had done to me my mother would say I’m just imagining this and I’m sure they wouldn’t do that ! I put up with that for many years missed family gatherings because of them . Yes they were definitely narcissistic. So the best thing to do is completely eliminate them from your thoughts
They cast aside 44 years of your unconditional love, respect, and support, for the whole 44 years. Not the other way round.
Thanks for the new perspective! I hadn't thought of it that way before. Amazing how I still have a tendency to believe their words.
Yah, heard that. Letting go is hard to do but I hope you can free yourself into joy again. Be blessed love
Thankyou for sharing & explaining, it was very illuminating.
Wow, you just popped up in my feed and what a gift you are.
Thank you for sharing a story similar to mine.
Trying to care for myself too.
Lots of love 🤍🌌🕊️❄️🇨🇦
You are so welcome, and wishing you all the best. You can do this!
The only words of comfort I can give is that I had issues with my family for years , now they are really old they had suddenly changed their tune and we now have a good relationship . Think they have finally realised they are mortal and that time is short , so never give up hope , things may change in the future xx
Thank you for this. I wonder if it will happen with my family. I won’t hold my breath but who knows. I’m so glad you have a good relationship now 😃
I'm glad it worked out for you but I need to state that your situation is rare. The vast majority of the time narc parents only get worse as they age.
@@lesliegann2737 Not only narcs behave this way!... people often learn what matters late in life.
That type never change!
"Do they know it's wrong?" I asked myself this question for a long time and this is my conclusion: Do they behave the same way with the people with whom they would not get away with their behavior? The answer is no. So my assumption is they know what they do. But with a scapegoat or a (co)dependant child, they assume there won't be any negative consquences FOR THEM. And that's why they behave the way they do, as it makes them feel good.
The covert, extremely subtle, nature of the actions and words used by narcissists is so difficult to deal with .. I can literally feel your frustration with the words they sent you .. so similar to what I’ve just escaped from with one of my brothers’ .. then, when I mention to others about having trouble living with my brother they will say they did too .. well, there are LEVELS of difficulty .. an argument here and there .. ok yeah I can see that happening . But my experience was I felt I was losing my mind and feared for my life … NOT THE SAME .. my nasty rotten brother was offended that I hired my neighbors to help move my stuff into a u-haul and pulled the “we are BLOOD” card on me that day and “I love you brother” thing then proceeded to ‘help’ in the precise fashion I expected in an authoritarian ‘do it as fast as possible’ on an extremely hot and humid day which was exactly WHY I didn’t want his ‘help’ .. he could not accept that I did not want or need his ‘help’ .. a little over 3 months after removing myself from around him and living in a very peaceful place around a loving type family who were all adults and kind, I was finally able to land a good job .. I truly believe 3 months of peace really helped me interview well and I was hired quickly which is rather unusual in the work I do .. the healing process continues .
I totally understand. I think that living that fear (I too felt my life was in danger) is not normal. And when we finally get out and around healthy people the dysfunction becomes even more apparent. It’s still so hard to explain though…. Yeah, that frustration is real. But I think I’m finally learning (or trying to) that I don’t have to explain it. If there are people who don’t support us….. screw them. We don’t have to justify ourselves. If we are decent people then we will be judged for that… unless the judge is insecure for their own reasons, which we don’t need. Hopefully one day our confidence will be so high that this is all ancient history!
And your brother forcing his ‘help’ upon you too… there’s a boundary violation there. It’s up to you to move how you want… a healthy response is ok, I’ll be around if you decide you need a hand. Sadly, it makes us look ungrateful when we don’t want the ‘help’. Or they try to paint it that way. Ugh.
But I am so happy to hear you are living a fresh new start and healing! Here’s to freedom!!!
@@thescapegoatclub yes, I like hearing different perspectives from folks like yourself and a number of others. Some of them are in different stages of that ‘healing path’ we all seek .. Batel Skater seems to be really far along .. there is a point where the “ I just don’t care anymore” becomes the real point of change and healing .. I reached that point with my brother and I’m testing my other siblings (5 others, 2 have completely failed) .. so now I am very selective on what is shared
I told two how poorly he treated me and response which tells me a lot about them . I know our mother was the covert narcissist and Dad was an enabler .. she probably trapped him with so many kids but if I said that to my siblings they’d pop a cork lol .. funny thing is I don’t care .. so freeing . but I’ll be selective on popping corks lol
I have the fortune of really good ppl as just a support network and many of us survivors of these terrible things DONT have . I hope you do as it helps . even though most of the work is on us not others .. you DO NOT have to explain it … to them .. or US as an audience .. you just do the best you can WHEN you feel like it and it is okay .. the huge value of that is that someone somewhere will hear it from your perspective and it will click and then they see it in their life and they can start in the journey of healing .. that’s how it happened to me .. but it started 5 years ago and wasn’t my brother so it proves our vulnerability along the way
Hi Chess.
Self awareness has rewarded you with beautiful insight.
We must address narcissism on a serious level.
You acted correctly ❤
You explained that very well. I thought your therapists question was weird and totally irrelevant. What matters is you getting the support you need. This kind of abuse really messes with your head and has long term effects. Especially when it’s your own family. I listen to Sam Vaknins videos as well. He is very knowledgeable about how narcissists work. He is one and specialises in it.
Greetings from sunny SW Florida. I just found your channel. I love the name. Thanks for all you do 🙏
Thanks for subbing! And welcome!
@@thescapegoatclub you are certainly welcome. I hope your having a super day.
Some people need kind people to use. You seem to be a kind and forgiving person.
I feel this video. I’ve been through amazingly similar things. Letters like this are confusing and nonsensical because they profess to make a connection but…..there is negative judgement of you in the very letter. I got those too and have had zero contact with parents now for approx 4 years….and I’m in my 60’s. I had to disengage to take control of my own thoughts and time. They were costing me too much. Anyway, I’m with you in this.
Sounded to me like they wanted “your love and support”, because “they” felt a loss of friends, family… blah blah blah.
They obviously know you’re a strong and kind person, a good supply source of energy for “them” that “they miss having”.
Oh, and btw- given your previous letter to them- your concerns are irrelevant to them…
And I wonder if; maybe they were suspect, for covering for crimes you sister committed- so they’re looking to scapegoat you again; so they can get your golden child sis set free? .
Sweetie, I hope you didn’t, and never contact these manipulative people ever again.
(This was the 1st time I ever saw one of your videos. New sub. And I hope you’re doing well these days. God bless you.)
If people that were not aware of what narc abuse is were to read that letter on face value, they would say 'What sweet people'. And that's what they do: write abusive and threatening messages but in a way that looks sweet and innocent on the surface, and only you know what is going on, which means that you can't turn to someone else for support, because other people won't see it.
I feel like I'm in therapy. Thank you so very much for sharing your story, Chess. Much love to you ❤
I completely get where you are coming from 💯💯💯
Keep looking at the “ facts” of the situation. Don’t get caught up in the emotional manipulation. It is good to hear you confirm that “yes, you need to look after yourself first”. until you get perspective. And it sounds like you have a good therapist.
They write letters like that, as if it is for the world to read of how great they are - ignoring everything else including the Truth of how they are deliberately mistreating their [scapegoat] child, while they elevate the golden child. My parent wrote that "my doors are open / we have plenty of rooms part", but when I offered 2 different (flexible) timeframes to work with.. for 2 different months to choose from for 2 months in the future, I got a response, "I can't plan that far ahead and need to live in the moment, let's look at it in a couple months". Meanwhile, I found out later the parent was set to remarry (the spouse had died 2 years prior) with a date set within a few weeks of that response (& only told me that part 2 days before the ceremony & I had not even heard there was any dating going on; nor invoted to the ceremony). A future month was already earmarked for the honeymoon travel too (which was neither of the months I offered, but for the month after).[Smh!] After I was told about that, the parent weirdly repeated, our doors are wide open, we have plenty of rooms. But obviously, they are not. What a sickness these types of people have. Wow!!!! / Thank you for sharing and creating a place where can be here in Spirit & kindness for each other!🙏💖✨️
Totally nailing the abuse! As I navigate in a very similar situation, a year on after lots of healing work I see that their initial reaction to my first email, explaining in a very polite and respectful way, I could no longer be part of their fabricated dramas (making it clear that I’m the culprit when in fact I haven’t done anything bad) there was radio silence for over a month. This is the true abuse because how I see it now is that by not responding that is saying that is normal and okay for them to have done that. That gives you all the information you need. They are okay in making you feel bad about yourself. The subsequent guilt tripping letters similar to yours just didn’t wash after that again on my birthday same sort of communication by that point it left me completely cold because I had my first answer which is you’re okay with making me bad that that’s all I need to know. Thank you Goodbye.
I see your struggle. Stay free my dear one. You are not alone.🦋❤️🇦🇺😜
🙂🖐️♥️🌹 I hear you, I feel this too. Hope we find peace and happiness because we deserve that. You have a kind and generous heart to share this.
The tactics described sounds just like my x, and his flying monkeys.
I had people turn up to the house where I live, angrily yelling they were going to 'take me out', peopke hating me, afraid I am diseased, all sorts of totally bizzare claims. I have never done anything beyond trying to defend myself against abuse, that in each instance was something that I thought no person would ever do to another. The things these people do, and the things they seem to be able to convince people of, is mind blowing. I am dumb founded on both accounts.
I think once you actually find out what a narcissist is, and start to learn the psychology of such a condition, it helps to put things in perspective. Good people will take the time, and see the truth. Bad people will jump on board, because they are bad people already.
The gift in this is we are given the gift of seeing the bad people, we know who we need to protect ourselves from. Distancing yourself, is not being uncaring. It is self preservation, we want to stay alive, not die at the hands of people possessed 🤔 I for one, say you are doing the right thing, and in my experience, let them have their last letter of decietful lies. It is only to bait you into writing back, to give them more ammunition against you.
Anything you do or say will be used against you. That is how my x worked, and from what I am learning, that is how a narcissist, and his flying monkeys, play their evil games
When I first saw you on this video, you looked war-torn. You also looked very brave and proud to testify what had happened to you with your parents. I applaud and commend you for stepping forward and calling out their destructive behavior and attitude. We know this is not about parent bashing this is not about hating on parents. This truly is about calling out behavior. I've had to go through the same thing in my head when calling out my aunt's abuse of me. I'm sure that she would look you right in the face and tell you that she never abused me that she was loving and kind to me. She would even testify that she was some kind of heroin and I was the villain.
We have to call out this attitude truly. This is war and this is not war on our parents this is war on abuse!
"Do they know what they've done is wrong? I don't know, it is my responsibility to look after myself and distance myself as much as possible." Well said. We are the same age and I have had similar influence from my parent for the last number of decades. Where it is push pull sort of thing. But really how can you properly forgive someone who is unwilling to ever accept their part in what happened? They are never willing to address it or speak on it ( or the multiple ongoing issues). They sweep things under the rug. I have had so many mixed messages, and my emotional safety is reducing contact as much as possible. I know that may be displeasing to the one parent remaining, but I am working with my own feelings of obligation...and also doing what is right for me. Instead of being caught in these gaslighting semi abusive or outright abusive cycles, we take our power and self agency back by making the best decision for ourselves as the individual. I so much feel your posts. You seem like a lovely woman and someone I would want as a friend. :)
I am definitely in your club. I believe you. I know narcissists are weak in logic & rational reasoning but I think there is something else in addition to that. It looks like they do do not care in the slightest whether they are telling lies/truth or not. Do they have some particular difficulty, in distinguishing between the two, maybe as a result of their weakness in logical thought & rational reasoning, or is it just that they do not have a conscience, indicating that psychopathy is also an issue.
Maybe their big feeling of entitlement sticks out so much that it obscures any chance of a reasonably objective view of events?
Dear Jess ~ your pain is so evident. I can so relate ~ 10 years now no sisters. Still very painful but unfortunately when no abuse (by one older sister) is acknowledged, I had no choice for my own mental health. Thank you for sharing this ~ Shelley
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. Sending you best wishes with such a tough situation. Take care Shelley.
Thank you for this video, Chess: I sincerely empathize with your situation, and you are very brave and very kind to be helping others in the way that you are doing, because it is very painful to go through these things. Many of us are struggling with situations that have similar dynamics, and it feels like the ninth circle of hell sometimes. Stay strong: you are making a difference, and you are important to us, your audiences and listeners.
Thank you so much! I'm having a tough day- wondering why I'm putting all this out there. Comments like yours really help remind me that I am hopefully helping a bit. Thanks.
I see how this is so confusing. That letter would have spurred so much guilt in me and I would probably get in touch with them
It's so sad to see that they have such a callous approach to the situation. They're old enough to know that what they're doing is wrong. Stay strong and move on 💪. It's time to let go. even though your emotions will come back to haunt you from time to time you need to go forward.
Identical to the narcissistic, cruel gaslighters in my so called family whom I am thrilled to have ditched after years of abuse of many kinds. You are an empath among narcissists and that's a hard road. But you are not alone.
The letter reminds me of my mother😢 I v had many letters . It was always full of shit. Fingerpointing to me. Never,never, it was about my parents. It went on for many years and because i did 't react both my parents started stalking me over the phone and said things to me you should never ever say to your child. It never stopped until they become sick died.
Wow! This is so hard and so sad! Hope there are other people who love you and vice versa. Be strong and enjoy your life! Good luck!
Mary Toolan an Irish lady has a website about family scapegoats. She has experienced this herself and is now a therapist in the UK
It doesn't matter if your parents know that what they're doing is wrong. You've told them what you need and they aren't even acknowledging your request. That says it all.
Classic gaslighting. 'You didn't see what you saw, and you didn't hear what you heard'. I have gone 'no contact' with people in my family who live in this type of fantasy world. Thanks for posting this!
Thanks for your video. I only very recently became aware of your channel ( and immediately subscribed) and your words are very helpful. Thank you.
Thanks and welcome!
It's exactly what my mum would write to me. Exactly.
It's all we, we, we, we, we, we,
How many times has she written that word?
I received 2 or 3 nasty letters from my narcissistic mother over the years. What I always thought was kind of funny was how she imvoked my deceased fathers opinions too. She is also gone now and a major source of stress has gone away.
Narcissistic #wordsalad
They will never be accountable for anything. "Now, just play the role they assigned you." They're the worst. You're better off without them. I went #nocontact a couple years ago. Best and hardest decision at the time to make in my life. Never go back.
❤🎉😊
That sounds like something I'd get from my parents. Hugs Chess. My mother doesn't write to me. Actually the only time she did was when she shafted my daughter and tried to extrapolate herself by blaming my daughter for the 'misunderstanding, I ignored the mail. . My daughter had flown to the UK went straight to visit them. Got all the digs, snide remarks and told what a failure her mother is etc. When she thanked my father for having her he replied that it's not like they had much choice in the matter. She was shocked. They invited her for Christmas but in the November the golden boy invited them to his place ( usually the invite arrives two days before and only in recent years and being 86 they would have to drive the three hour round trip since he's always too busy and important) so they uninvited her. She was on her own in London. She wasn't invited to the GC Christmas get together.
Dealing with a couple of malignant covert or overt narcissists, particularly mother and father, will leave the child powerless and they know it! I hope your situation has been solved and are on your way to ultimate freedom and self-empowerment (driver's license = freedom) 🙏❤
I’m an estranged mother. It has been 4 years. I have done so much personal introspection which started me on a journey of the dark night of the soul.
In my situation my daughter and I were very harmonious in our relationship. We lived together until I moved , not far away because she was coming with me. Moving forward …… and backwards. I’m a 68 year old scapegoat! Oh the joy.
I was also a single parent. Maybe some parents out there will relate to me when I say this ……… I love my daughter more than I love God.
But I guess that’s what it’s like when you grow up in a highly dysfunctional family as the scapegoat!🤔
For the past 4 years I’ve been called the usual ……… narcissistic and other things. I may have been (?) I don’t know! My therapist says NO! This estrangement has caused me to question my mental health. BUT THATS NOT WHY I’m commenting!
You poor child. Seriously! Your story is so sad. I would definitely keep an emotional and physical distance from your parents!
And you seem to be in such pain. I’m sorry they did that. What they did was horrible. I fully support your estrangement.
There are so many horrible parents. We bring our dysfunction to the dinner table. I’m so sorry that happened to you. What your parents did ……… that’s brutal. BRUTAL.
Thank you for such a kind message. I appreciate your openness to seeing different perspectives, which is so hard for so many, especially when we’re in a lot of emotional pain.
I truly hope that you are able to find peace from your own family experience, and that that perhaps creates space for a change in your relationship with your daughter. Take care and wishing you the very best, C.
You have a clear view
It took a long time but I’m getting there!
@@thescapegoatclub 😊
Get last license cancelled (lost/stolen) apply for a new one.
Stop all contact and get on with your life xx
This is so sad but true no matter what a person who loves you gives to you and a person who loves you didn't lie to you and your children they are soulless lieing sick people who don't care about anything but themselves and don't try to reason to what can not be reason with you will drive your. Self crazy she already is
The thing I have a hard time with is, that it is ever triggering to remain in close contact with family members where you have this sort of past with...no matter who they are choosing to show up as today, or if they seem like they are trying to do better (as the letter your just read out seems like all the strings are neatly tied up,, and everything looks clean and polished on their end and they are ready to welcome you back with loving arms- meanwhile invalidating you and dismissing you by never addressing your needs. It is subtle, sometimes overt, yet always toxic behavior). Because inevitably there will still be triggers coming up based on decades of past abuse, where things that might look small to others, are big to you for all the stuff you have already endured with those family members for decades. If people are unwilling to apologize or resolve things with deep and felt understanding etc...then it is not resolved....they were incapable of attuning to our needs. And it continues to be a struggle for them to align with us, just due to who they are.
Retaining the driving licence is about retaining even the smallest bit of control over you and punishing you, of course. Order a new one and dont engage...
I think, they always believe they are right. They don't mind, they don't care about you. If you need help,they are far away. This people always cause trouble.Parents or not,life is better without them and their manupulation and abuse. Even in you play the grey rock, they will hurt you. No contect is the only way. Sad but true.
Stay strong,you can do it. Best wishes for you.
Please take care of yourself! You are doing good for so many people..that watch you. The withholding of your license..is small..mean and petty. If it's their " honor" they want to. preserve..the joke will be on them. Distancing yourself is what is needed..you do not need..nor want these constant stressful..goings on..in your life. You cannot control other peopled their behavior.but you can very much control your reactions. Sadly, this happens within a family...but.your peace of mind..is PRIORITY. GOD Bless..and protect you from further trauma.
Surely them keeping your drivers licence is against the law
Cruelty ,is the norm.
Good show.
Sadly, it seems this way. Thank you for your support 💗
I'm the covert narcissist who has driven my family away. My mother abused me horribly but that is no excuse. I have trouble caring about my siblings and even my husband, his sons and their families and even our own daughter.
Thank you for being so honest. I’m sorry that this is happening. I wonder if you feel you’d like to change things? Do you feel you could act differently?
Oh my goodness Chess, I'm so sorry. What a dreadful situation. But I think you are absolutely spot on in your intuition of that letter. It is so wrong what they did in retaining your license, omgosh. They had no right to do that, and it is cruel. In the US it would be illegal. But then i wondered were they trying to bait you into making an issue of it, then use that reaction as justification for something. IDK. That letter is a guiltbomb, manipulation, gaslighting, FOG. Talk about self-justifying lies, and blantant inversion of the truth. Love? How is any of their behavior love? Love is a verb, not a noun. The whole thing drips with lies. Whether it's lies they tell themselves as not to spontaneously combust from wickedness, or lies of delusion, IDK. I think the term they use for that is called "dog whistling" as they know the blatant nature of it will be something you understand but an onlooker would not, they might say "Awww, how caring, what nice letter" Its all an act in their show. But as you were reading it, it made me feel sick to my stomach. Honestly, I just got a similar email in March, and I'm not kidding, they go by the same script and playbook. I've been reading a book titled "Healing from Hidden Abuse" and it talks of this covert type of malignant narcissist, the show they put on, how its the diametric opposite of the truth---and ironically that is the proof right there that they KNOW its wrong, what they do. How else could they turn on the charm like a lightswitch for their "audience" but with you, one who should be their beloved and cherished daughter, their actions speak of contempt and cruelty. Chess, I'm so glad you got away from them all and went no contact. They are so toxic, and you so do not deserve that. Anyone with a heart and brain can see you are a caring empathic and beautiful person inwardly and outwardly. Your vids have helped me so much. Thank you! There is a channel called The enlightened target. Just wanted to mention it because she too had exceedingly toxic family that reminds me of this, and was the scapegoat. I realize this vid was some time ago, but praying for you now anyway. You are strong, praying you are blessed with all good things.❤💜 purple heart for bravery.
Thank you so much for such a validating and supportive message. I appreciate you taking the time to write it (and your other comments!). Yes, this was a while ago now, but it is still something I think about…. though less so as time goes on. I think it is valid to remind myself the reasons why I had to leave. I’m sorry that you have experienced something similar. Isn’t it crazy just how the same patterns arise? Thank you for sharing those resources, and again, for being here. I appreciate you 💕💕
@@thescapegoatclub Thank you too so much Chess. Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to reply. It really means a lot. I just went no contact again about 2 months ago, after a 17 year no contact. Your idea of having reminders for grounding is so good, I need to do that as well. Kicking myself a bit for falling for the hoover bear trap, it proved quite a lesson, and quite damaging, even to physical health. Other than a rinse repeat cycle smear they just began, all is well and on the upswing thankfully. For some reason writing is helping me unscramble my tattered brain from the jolt of it all. So thank you so much for welcoming me. 💜💕
oops, p.s. About the patterns, omgoodness, yes, it IS crazy! The patterns are so consistent across the board, it hardly seems possible. But it’s real. This aspect of npd alone both fascinates and repulses me at the same time. It’s like I have to find the root cause or common denominator of it. So I went down a proverbial rabbit hole. Turns out all of the most wicked characters in the bible had the same NPD traits, and the Rephiam, hybrids of the giants of Genesis 3 and 6 have psychopathy as a main trait.
The good news is, all prophets and chosen ones were all empathic truth-tellers types, targeted by the wicked consistently for speaking the truth. Hmmmm. Yet ultimately evil will not prevail in the end at all. Yay! Good wins, light wins, peace reigns at last. This hope is the blessed hope I long to see. Stay strong dear Chess, the best is truly yet to be.💜🙏👍💕
They are from a different generation and don't understand. You have permission to create a boundary that helps you stay emotionally healthy. You do not have to struggle anymore with guilt about it. If necessary completely cut off communication by refusing letters and contact.
I feel lucky my parents dont write letters, no gaslighting. They leave us be. We don't give them "feed" anymore. Myself and my brother. I assume they are being fed elsewhere with some other poor soul.
They REALLY think that they are doing what is right and good for YOU! Because they love you and only want the best for you and think they know what that is😖
I feel your pain. I have the same pain!
Get all the way out! It will always be the same
ALWAYS!!! This from a 64 yr old female with a still alive and kicking 90 yr old narc mother!
Oh…. Did I say ALWAYS… painful I know..
EXCRUCIATING 😣
Perfect gaslighting and no wonder where your sister got her criminal ways.
Bless your heart. Indeed, can relate. Unfortunately, the prior generations were made of a different mold of social appearances rather than truth creating generational disfunction. It reminds of a scripture. Proverbs 28:13-17 He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: But whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.
Our real family is telepathic. Our gaslight family uses their tongues.
How can you reenter the disfunction without slipping back in your "role" for them? If you don't play your role, how can they tolerate your authenticity? It is so awkward and uncomfortable to be with blind as the only one who sees.
I can't count how many times I have said I'm done. It's difficult because after all, look at all the abuse I'll be missing. Sooner or later you realize you miss your front teeth and the tire tracks on your back look terrible in a swimsuit! Onward and upward! Never look back. Your showing up for them equates to saying Hey y'all, I'm ready for more abuse!
Man, I would be so happy to be not in relationship with them, sister, mom and silent (she spoke for him in the letter) dad. They cover for the sister and anything said against her is a slap, to them. They will always act like you are the problem and as my dad said once, “you can not negotiate with a terrorist.” The ability to feel joy instead of the agony of them is far over due. Begin now and do not question. You are NOT the problem.
I have realized my ex is just like Kody Brown and i cannot unhear/ unsee it. Self absorbed delulu narcissist.
To try get me back they claimed they had changed but thankfully i saw through it and never went!
Good job avoiding the Hoover!
@@JoanthebrightoneYes it most certainly was and a big advantage of being nearly 50 is you have many years of experience and see these things for what they are unlike when you are 20 and haven't had much experience of life!
❤
That’s not about what they say but what they do
I agree, 100 percent.
Yes that's right!
Urgh. So passive aggressive and gaslighting. I came back to this video as my Dad's wife has decided to email me out of the blue to tell me he's having surgery and 'your Dad loves you' 😑
Aaargh- the worst. And so predictable- any emotional blackmail angle they can pull will be used, and 'love' bandied around when it suits them. Hope you're ok.
At least she let you know 😔😒
I know it still hurt so I’m not trying to make light of it. My Dad’s 2nd wife deleted and blocked my phone calls and messages to my Dad, erasing me out of his life. But then begged my Mom for photos of me as a child to manipulate my Dad and mix them up with her old adult children my same age who they visited several times a year, bought a condo for with my Dad’s money, etc.
@pearpo if your dad wanted to stay in contact with you he would have. He didn't want to!