5/5/2021 Spot on, Samuel! “Show me the money!” “Stop talking about the changes & go clean your room!” I want ACTION from my unfaithful husband! I’m sick of empty promises, bread-crumbing, inconsistency and believing that intentions are equal to action! I want to see motivation. Initiation. Pursuit. Desire to become safe. Real honesty. Real remorse. Real compassion! I want to see him do his own research on how to heal the damage he’s done.
As the unfaithful... I have sold out, I went all in... and I have been doing all that you said... but the anger, the hurt, the fear... I am not being seen or heard, I think... with that said... I will not stop this journey... I will be a better man... but she has put in 20 years... and all her prayers... have been answered... I hope and pray that she gives us one last chance...
This is where we are. As the unfaithful spouse, I have been expecting her to unload on me. It finally happened last night after she indulged in some (a lot)alcohol. It hurt to know that I drove her to it and the separation, but I owned up to it with no reservations. I hope it helped her. My main purpose in life is to build her up and never make her feel like my addiction made her feel ever again.
What happens when you do recovery work but your spouse refuses to live with you or be around you long enough to see that you are making progress and trying to learn?
I think you have to commit to the process and continue to get healthier and healthier. you can't control them and some days, we can barely control ourselves. so I would do all you can for you and let the fruit of it be shown in your ability to handle his unwillingness to be around you with great skill and confidence. all you can do is all you can do, as they say, and you can't make him pursue you. but, as you take care of you, maybe he will want to be around you more and more as he sees the beauty on your life?
I’m in the 8th month of post DDay #2 of our marriage. We messed up following DDay #1 and never has “do the work, or else” been more true than in our case. The recovery work has been much more dramatic and engaged for the unfaithful than for me, the betrayed. I’ve told him that I signed up for better or worse. This is the worst of the worse. But I’m still here and slowly, piece by piece finding help for me and taking/making time for me. My question is... as a codependent spouse, what’s your best advice for letting go of control, guilt, revenge and bitterness? Some days are diamonds, some days are coal. Signed me, Survivor 2.0
m, it's a lot to cover. so to simplify, you need expert care that will address the codependency. there are a few books but one of the best i know of is codependent no more, and when people are big and god is small is another book, but from a faith perspective so i'm not sure where you stand with all that. i would also do harboring hope for the betrayed spouse which you'l find here (that opens tomorrow as well) www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope the codependency will hurt like hell and sabotage a lot of healing my friend. you both need your own recovery plan for your own individual healing, as well as a healing plan for both of you.
Loving these Vlogs. Which one can help with the unfaithful who says that the affair is not our issue, it is what our marriage had become before his decision to cheat? Which one will tell me why I feel as if I am on probation, that I am THE one that has to make changes and he will decide if they are enough to remain in the marriage? He continually tells me they were nice to him, complimented him and for 3 yrs I have been complimenting him AND I forgave him for cheating. He feels as if being separated is a hall pass and that is how he cheated again. And said it was because she was open mindedly bold and didn't mind messing with married men and...oh yeah, she was nice and complimentary. But, I don't get to be angry and yell and scream or ask questions anymore. I need those Vlogs
here are a few articles that will explain his behavior and destructive not to mention dysfunctional mindset: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame the reality is he is blaming you to justify the affair and push away his guilt, which the articles above will explain. it's sad, but also painful to be subjected to his line of reasoning. but remember he is not healthy and he is not sober to a certain extent. so he's got to blame you to make himself feel better and push back the guilt he feels. he's always going to blame you till he gets the right help. that's what the unhealthy and unsafe do, blame others.
5/5/2021
Spot on, Samuel! “Show me the money!” “Stop talking about the changes & go clean your room!” I want ACTION from my unfaithful husband! I’m sick of empty promises, bread-crumbing, inconsistency and believing that intentions are equal to action! I want to see motivation. Initiation. Pursuit. Desire to become safe. Real honesty. Real remorse. Real compassion! I want to see him do his own research on how to heal the damage he’s done.
As the unfaithful... I have sold out, I went all in... and I have been doing all that you said... but the anger, the hurt, the fear... I am not being seen or heard, I think... with that said... I will not stop this journey... I will be a better man... but she has put in 20 years... and all her prayers... have been answered... I hope and pray that she gives us one last chance...
This is one of the ABSOLUTE BEST videos you've done yet... If only my wife had done a fraction of this.
thanks so much Christian. means a ton you'd give me such great feedback.
This is where we are. As the unfaithful spouse, I have been expecting her to unload on me. It finally happened last night after she indulged in some (a lot)alcohol. It hurt to know that I drove her to it and the separation, but I owned up to it with no reservations. I hope it helped her. My main purpose in life is to build her up and never make her feel like my addiction made her feel ever again.
What happens when you do recovery work but your spouse refuses to live with you or be around you long enough to see that you are making progress and trying to learn?
I think you have to commit to the process and continue to get healthier and healthier. you can't control them and some days, we can barely control ourselves. so I would do all you can for you and let the fruit of it be shown in your ability to handle his unwillingness to be around you with great skill and confidence. all you can do is all you can do, as they say, and you can't make him pursue you. but, as you take care of you, maybe he will want to be around you more and more as he sees the beauty on your life?
I’m in the 8th month of post DDay #2 of our marriage. We messed up following DDay #1 and never has “do the work, or else” been more true than in our case. The recovery work has been much more dramatic and engaged for the unfaithful than for me, the betrayed. I’ve told him that I signed up for better or worse. This is the worst of the worse. But I’m still here and slowly, piece by piece finding help for me and taking/making time for me. My question is... as a codependent spouse, what’s your best advice for letting go of control, guilt, revenge and bitterness? Some days are diamonds, some days are coal. Signed me, Survivor 2.0
m, it's a lot to cover. so to simplify, you need expert care that will address the codependency. there are a few books but one of the best i know of is codependent no more, and when people are big and god is small is another book, but from a faith perspective so i'm not sure where you stand with all that. i would also do harboring hope for the betrayed spouse which you'l find here (that opens tomorrow as well) www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope the codependency will hurt like hell and sabotage a lot of healing my friend. you both need your own recovery plan for your own individual healing, as well as a healing plan for both of you.
Loving these Vlogs. Which one can help with the unfaithful who says that the affair is not our issue, it is what our marriage had become before his decision to cheat? Which one will tell me why I feel as if I am on probation, that I am THE one that has to make changes and he will decide if they are enough to remain in the marriage? He continually tells me they were nice to him, complimented him and for 3 yrs I have been complimenting him AND I forgave him for cheating. He feels as if being separated is a hall pass and that is how he cheated again. And said it was because she was open mindedly bold and didn't mind messing with married men and...oh yeah, she was nice and complimentary. But, I don't get to be angry and yell and scream or ask questions anymore. I need those Vlogs
here are a few articles that will explain his behavior and destructive not to mention dysfunctional mindset: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame
the reality is he is blaming you to justify the affair and push away his guilt, which the articles above will explain. it's sad, but also painful to be subjected to his line of reasoning. but remember he is not healthy and he is not sober to a certain extent. so he's got to blame you to make himself feel better and push back the guilt he feels. he's always going to blame you till he gets the right help. that's what the unhealthy and unsafe do, blame others.
I need reading/study suggestions.....for this video.....show the changes.....help me!