Baby Reindeer, the performance of masculinity | Khadija Mbowe
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- Опубліковано 18 тра 2024
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A Document of educational resources for the mens! 💕
docs.google.com/document/d/1Q...
Books that helped me be kinder to men📚
Re-thinking Sex- Chirstine Emba
All about Love- bell hooks
How can I get Through to you- Terrance Real
The Will to Change- bell hooks
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I saw an article that the first week Baby Reindeer was on Netflix, a UK organization for male victims of SA saw a 80% increase of victims coming to seek help anf support with thier stories.
I was glad to hear, but its also heartbreaking that there are still so many men that feel they can't even acknowledge what has happened to them was abuse, let alone feel they can come forward; So much respect for Richard for being so open and vulnerable, its helped so many people already
wow is that true? do u know the name of the article?
@@siofrarafferty3821 yes! (My phone glitched, so if this posts twice, sorry before I notice) It was by Independent UK, and just "Male Sexual Abuse Charity see staggering 80% increase of calls after Baby Reindeer Release"
@@siofrarafferty3821I haven’t seen the article but wouldn’t doubt it.
Sadly, there has been a huge fight to get DV/SA services for men for decades. It goes well above and beyond the initial struggle of getting men to talk about it.
Kind of a contentious topic but when it comes to the UK just look at the history of Erin Pizzey. She opened the first DV shelter for women in the UK.
After listening to countless stories, and rather complex stories about the histories of some of the women in her shelter, she realized there was an also a need for a men’s shelter.
She tried to establish one and was treated horribly. Several radfems (gender criticals today) ran her out of her organization and prevented it.
That’s putting it mildly. Some were already furious with her. At a feminist organizing event she overheard some radfems and guys in particular activist group talking about setting off an explosive device in the stock/store room of a Biba department store, which mainly employed high school and uni age girls.
Erin notified the police. A device did go off and one person was injured but they were able to get more people out of the store.
Her decision to open a shelter for men gave people who already hated her an excuse to attack her. It got brutal. Erin’s dog was even targeted.
Unfortunately Erin was attacked and shunned so thoroughly that she ended up falling in with some rather problematic MRAs later on.
There has been a fervent effort to prevent men from having shelters and safe places to talk about things of this nature for a long time. If it’s mentioned the same people go into an absolute tizzy.
They wrongfully believe, or at least claim, that men’s shelters will take money away from women’s therefore they should not be allowed to exist. It starts a panic and things get worse from there.
They have nothing to base this claim on.
When you add this to other issues commonly seen among men, it’s a mess.
I hope this will help.
I did see an article last week about the first shelter being opened for men in the UK.
*Thats 4 decades after Erin first started looking into the need suggested it, at least.
Perhaps guys asking for help opened more eyes.
I have been expecting another meltdown.
Hopefully with more men coming out both men women and others can come together to truly try and stop SA from happening to frequently and to so many people
The scene where his father asks him "would you think of me as less of a man?" And that whole reveal absolutely destroyed me. It was so painful and so beautifully done
And the way his father could barely get much words out about it, could only mention it vaguely and, just stared with tears welling in his eyes...
I cried many times during my watch but that one hit me the hardest 😭
Yes! Seeing him discover how not alone in his experience he was seemed equally validating and horrifying. Like, comfort in knowing the other person understands but deeply upset at how many people have been victims
Yes. I was raped by my first ex (first everything) who was 10 yrs older than me and it's just so harrowing, it must've taken him a lot of courage to say it as a man.
Do not know a single person who didnt cry at that one
this show really hurt me deep! the part of him not being sure if he was a queer or not because of his trauma is something so many people can relate to
Absolutely. I was abused as a child by an older female child. It really made me SO confused about my sexuality....honestly maybe for the rest of my life. Sending love and healing to you and all other victims.
ARIANA
Frr
My sweet Chuuzus 💕🫂
It's absolutely horrible.
Sexuality should not stem from trauma
My condolences to every fellow survivor and victim. We are going to make it and we will heal and thrive. Idk you but i love you Thanks for being here. It does get better.🩷
Watching his parents hug him after he told them everything and just provide that comfort made me realize how badly I receeded into myself after what happened. How alone I was. How ashamed. Up until the breakdown, I was confused, but all the pieces kind of clicked into place. It gave me a new respect for myself for not being the 'perfect' victim.
There are no perfect victims. ❤ I'm glad this show helped you know that.
I literally sobbed at that part it was so beautiful
The way his father asked him if he’d be ashamed/disgusted by him was so touching and emotional. Especially when his mom stayed quiet and her body language said “yes, it happened to him too. I know” was just
It was such an emotional and amazing scene I agree
When the dad said “would you think less of me?” UNCONTROLLABLY SOBBING
“I couldn’t love someone more than I hated myself” was the line that made me go from sobbing to bawling hysterically
honestly, as a survivor, baby reindeer brought me to tears. bc society does give us this idea of a perfect victim -- one that hates sex, goes to the police, seeks help, gets justice, and never makes a mistake. and when the reveal came around, I remember staring with my mouth wide open because I thought to myself: "god, this is what people see when I'm making an absolute fool of myself. this is what they think of me" and I've been in a mood ever since.
i had a lot going for me. but I neglected the emotions involved in the SA for a long time. then they all came crashing down on me this school year. every few weeks my body just crashes. I've missed a lot of school, to the point where i\ll have to speak with teachers to see if ill still get to live the life I planned for myself. i neglect my health. i procrastinate. and I do anything but the things I need to do for hours on end, because the mindless work of editing and reediting the same paragraph shuts out the memories. i hate it. i have control, don't I? and yet here I am, ruining everything for myself because I stare at the piles upon piles of late assignments and they stare back.
i want to move forward but its like my leg is weighed down by a beartrap I left on for so long it refuses to come loose. i hate it, and I sort of very much hate myself for the sheer amount of things I've f=ed up because my hormones (and consequently my immune system) have basically collapsed and are making it hard to even breathe. i hate it, and I hate that I can change things but can't. how do you explain this nagging pressure in your heart that build throughout the day as you put off your work as anything other than laziness? how do you tell someone you "just can't" and expect them to believe you?
sorry for the rant. thank you for being a safe space and I hope that one day, the memories of what happened to you are as distant as what you ate during that preschool visit to the museum lol.
I understand, and I'm really sorry. Really, and truly. I hope things become clearer and you feel better soon.
I’ve gone through this too ❤️ my SA completely changed my life for the worse. But I got through it eventually. I’m working on graduating and getting my first job step by step. Take it one day at a time. You can get through this, I know you can! You’re not alone 🤟🏼
I learned that a body replaces every cell for a new one. And after 7 years you’ll have a body that hasn’t been touched by the person/people. It helped me heal tremendously because my body would be untouched and fully mine again. I hope this fact will help you as much as it did me
Take it one day at a time. Also, I hope you’re not going through this alone. Seek help and support through therapy… it really helps. Sending you love & strength.
I feel seen. That last bit especially; I don’t think I will forget but I do hope I feel as indifferent about the pain, shame, and embarrassment as the time I puked in the middle of a Cece’s Pizza Buffet when I was 8. I hope I’m able to keep the shining beautiful memories, like how I walked out of that restaurant after being sick and saw a peacock and a river otter down that street. I hope that when I go to that place I feel the magic and joy but no sharpness, or if it does hurt I know I will have the capacity to sit with that discomfort and give grace to the person I was when I went through this. I’m not there yet with the things that people did to me but there’s hope.
I really appreciated how Baby Reindeer showed, not only a male victim of SA (which we don’t see represented enough), but also a victim that has a freeze response. That truly is the way that I have responded to abuse and SA in the past and I think it’s so important for people to understand that freezing in the midst of a traumatic event DOES NOT invalidate the trauma or how the victim of said trauma responds (or doesn’t respond). And I really appreciate your POV on the subject, as well as on the show. I had a lot of the same feelings watching it as you described having.
Yes!! That was so relatable and validating and heartbreaking to see. I was never confused by his responses to Martha, even before the reveal of the SA he experienced prior, because his freeze and fawn responses were so relatable and apparent to me. Even though some of my trauma responses are quite different than his (I never went the hypersexual/risky behaviour route -- more the opposite direction) --- so so much about how he navigated the Martha situation was painfully familiar to me.
When the reveal happened of the traumatic SA he'd experienced at the hands of that producer, it was like the missing puzzle piece being put into place -- but the outline of that missing piece had always felt clear, like the shadow of its presence was always palpable; it was just the details that hadn't been filled in until that reveal.
@@Alex-ph5ir yes, exactly! I totally knew what you mean.
Honestly i think media LIKE THIS is how we start to tackle the male identity crisis epidemic. Men need to see other men exress themselves this way. Gadd admitted things in this tv show you couldnt have tortured out of me and thats whats incredible about it. Its fearless, if at times ugly or gross, and manages to still be incredibly moving.
The scene in which the main character allows his abuser to comfort him is an aspect of SA/DV that is difficult to explain to folks who have never been in that situation. This show gave me courage and opportunity to talk about this really complicated past experience with my partner.
As a SA survivor myself I found this TV show to explore the topic in such an introspective and profound way. I thought the show was incredible, although I couldn’t watch the graphic scenes I had to skip. It’s so true that most of us freeze around our abusers, I had a similar experience when I was younger and wanted to be a recording artist, I continued working with the producer who assaulted me, thinking it was my only chance of getting into the industry. It’s a very nuanced and complicated situation, especially when there’s power imbalances in that way. I think Richard was extremely brave to write produce and act in a show depicting his own trauma and I hope that he can find this experience healing. On the plus side, men who have been assaulted are feeling empowered to report and open up about their abuse, which is amazing so he really did something positive with this show, despite how painful it must be relive it.
I think one of the things I love most about this show is Donny's relationship with Terri and how much it humanizes trans women. I think part of the reason why Donny starts dating trans women is because he expects that trans women will be filled with as much shame and self destruction as he is and is shocked when he doesn't find that.
Instead Terri is the most confident, lovely and sure of herself person he meets and I think it starts Donny down his path of realising that not only is queerness not inherently a result of trauma but that even if he was queer (regardless of how his trauma influenced that) that there is no need to be ashamed of it. Instead he finds that shame and self destruction in Martha, a straight woman, and that becomes part of why he is so fascinated with her.
I really love when something like this gets made primarily by a non queer person who takes a lot of time and effort to make sure that these stories aren't used to hurt queer communities when they very easily could be.
"If this is what people use my body for, then what the fuck is the point"
Oof
That line hit me to the core
It didn't occur to me until I saw this comment, but that probably strikes a big part of why I haven't had s*x yet. A lot of people say all the time "Oh, queer men and mascs have no preoblems with s*x because men are always horny and down to get some!", which imo is super sexist but more than that, yeah I know I could download Grindr and find someone who would sleep with me probably within 24 hours, but while I don't hype up the idea of my "first time" as something sacred or special, I'd still prefer it to be with someone who respects me and my body and who is willing to go at my pace, which will probably need to be felt out in the moment. I don't want my first time to be someone using my body as a hole to get off.
i was watching this series with my boyfriend till he abruptly paused it after episode 5 and removed it from his watching list. i asked him why did he do that and he said “it was getting ridiculous.”
what is so ridiculous about a man’s trauma and pain? it saddens me how men can be so cold towards each other sometimes.
You may wanna talk to him more about his reaction. It could've been that he was being cold about another man's abuse, but maybe it triggered something in him that you don't know about because he's too ashamed to tell you.
@moonlightauras1 Bingo, what was described here very much sounds like a trauma response.
@@moonlightauras1that makes sense. he has ADHD and stonewalls often. it can really hard to reach him sometimes but i will carefully pry.
My husband had to pause and skip some scenes and I asked him "you watch woman grape scenes all the time?" (Noy purposely, just in other shows if it happens to come up he doesnt skip it) He said he just couldn't.
@@moonlightauras1yuuuup! I remember watching Maid with my partner and he shut it down quickly after episode 1. The verbal abuse was too much as he was verbally and physically abused by his ex girlfriend. Please check in on him.
Richard is the definition of a true artist. The courage and vulnerability it took for him to share his story with the world and do it so brilliantly is what makes his work powerful and impactful. It should go down in history as one of the masterpieces of this decade. I hope he knows that his story has moved so many who have endured SA. I heard male survivors in the UK have been coming forward and reporting their experiences since the show started and I hope Richard is proud of himself for turning his pain into a powerful force of healing. I’m so inspired.
I'm a male csa survivor. And yeah, I was taken advantage of by a step mother. But I guess I blocked it out or something because I don't remember much. I just remember she was always violent and screaming at me when my dad wasn't home. But she was really sweet out in public. And no one believed me when I said she hurt me. I felt scared at the slightest touch for a long time after she was gone and because I had kinda blocked out the memory I didn't really understand why. I didn't go to therapy until I was in my 20's but it did help. I'm in a better place now, but I am very guarded now when it comes to intimacy. It's rough.
I really wish you the best on your healing journey ❤️
Same. I was also taken advantage of by a step parent. The tricky thing is he was able to be charismatic in public and in private so whenever his mask slipped and his anger issues showed in public and people noticed i ended up defending him. I'm currently in therapy as well and while i remember everything i dont talk about it. For awhile i didnt even realize what happened to me because i was so young when it did happen but it's taken me to even now to realize the abuse had many layers. Intimacy is also extremely tricky for me too so i completely feel you and it's nice knowing that theres someone out there who gets it even though i also wish that it didnt happen to anyone else. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey and i hope that youre able to find peace sooner rather than later.
Im so sorry you had to go through that. For me it was my baby sitter. Somehow not being believed and holding it in after is almost as painful. Hugs if you want them and thanks for sharing your story.
“People are only willing to meet you as deeply as they meet themselves” - that rings so true as a concept I’ve been trying to articulate but haven’t found the words for. Thank you for this analysis, had me crying almost as much as the show! Such a healing experience
Just so you know, UA-cam didn't show this in my sub feed, I had to actively search for it!
Same! Wtaf!! I actually just went through all my subscriptions one by one, to find someone I wanted to hear from talking about this after binging it. Meanwhile I've been recommended around twenty million videos based on clips from that atrociously unconscionable Pierce Morgan interview. Thanks a lot youtube for actively making the world a worse place 😐
I said this on another video but I found myself thinking about how men are not taught fear the way women are. I watched him do things that we are taught to be scared of doing, and particularly how the women in his life were able to identify the danger towards his person. Even his stalker was able to identify his vulnerabilities! I wonder what the world would be like if men had the fear.
I don’t think the fear is always a good or helpful thing.
People tend to become obsessed with the most irrational fears.
Stranger danger still reigns supreme even though the majority of SA takes place at the hands of someone known to the victim.
There is an incredibly fine line there.
You need to discuss caution and warning signs without making people needlessly petrified of everyone.
I’m glad that I never developed a fear of men. In the grand scheme I have more wonderful men in my life than predatory ones, and I am well aware of this. I know that the bad experiences I have had pale in comparison with the good.
Letting the bad experiences outweigh this and dictate my life would be a mistake.
Note - I experienced SA and some other bad situations almost 30 years ago. I’ve had time to think about it all and put it in the perspective of my life.
Raising people that live in fear is a quick ticket to an incredibly dysfunctional society.
See right wingers as a prime example. 😉
I have seen boys and men cut out of multiple conversations for decades, and this is not a good thing.
They need to be included in honest conversations that also maintain a sense of proportion.
I’ll give you an example that comes from my favorite hobby/past time - the study of the Satanic Panic.
The book The Satanism Scare includes discussions of this.
In the 1970s there was growing concern about teen boys (a few even younger) engaging in - what was then called - juvenile prostitution.
The baby boom had made this more visible to people in multiple countries. There had been a noted and visible increase of boys - young men (as they aged) trying to survive on the streets for years.
Several had come out to their parents and been kicked out.
Others had been targeted and groomed in childhood.
The conversation became more widespread in America, Canada and the UK after cases where “man/boy love” abuse rings had been discovered.
Perpetrators were - by their own admission - targeting boys from broken homes that lived in their neighborhoods. They were attempting to act like a father figure, had gotten in good with the moms, were inviting the boys to help them with a large number of things, were pretending to mentor them, etc…
Some exploited loopholes involving private organizations and established fake summer camps, group homes and clubs for boys.
They SA’d them. They produced CSAM.
The cases gained widespread attention from the media after the police had discovered, investigated and broken up these rings.
Some of the young men that were groomed and SA’d as children ended up trying to survive on the streets.
A radical feminist and therapist named Judianne Densen Gerber started advocating to create separate laws for CSAM. At that point charges were placed under obscenity laws.
All well and good so far but soon Judianne took already questionable research on the number of boys allegedly involved in JP on the streets (the numbers were wildly inflated in this particular study that was done by someone who also had no experience doing research of this nature), added the same number of girls and then eventually doubled and tripled the number of girls with no explanation.
By the late 70s she, Florence Rush and few other radfems, had cut boys out of the public conversation entirely.
Judianne ran a Synanon House for women. Specifically she ran a SH for women involved in sex work that had addictions to heroin. You can find multiple documentaries on Synanon and the recent documentary about the troubled teen industry called The Program goes into detail about Synanon. It was a rehab program turned into a full blown cult. Many religious groups ended up adopting the behavior modification techniques used in Synanon Houses, and all of the TTI did. It was not a good thing.
Some of the earliest claims of Satanic Ritual Abuse (often called Sadistic and Sadomasochistic abuse then) in the 1970s were coming out of Judiannes clinic.
Women in her clinic ended up traveling around to give lectures on “Satanic Ritual Abuse” a few years later.
Judianne spread around completely false and conspiratorial claims about rings involving all girls (there were actual examples she could have pulled from but she was done with reality) and before you knew it she was claiming that 2 million children (read girls) were abducted in America for the production of CSAM every year.
That started the pervasive conspiracy that women and girls were being abducted and bred, by Satanists, for pornography, prostitution and human sacrifice.
This was a wildly popular belief among religious fundamentalists, Christian Nationalists and many radical feminists.
We still have many issues related to this to this day.
There had been repeated “white slavery” (read trafficking) panics involving nefarious rings for many years.
While some rings do exist, and trafficking most certainly exists, rings tend to be a minority in the grand scheme.
The majority of people are trafficked by someone they know. A parent, a caretaker, a romantic interest.
No abduction is involved in a majority of cases, rings or not.
99.99% of conversations about this today do not involve boys or men (or non binary - trans individuals).
They involve girls - women. The idea that a nefarious child abducting cabal/ring is involved in every single case is still pervasive.
Most of our laws are designed to target these nefarious cabals.
Again, rings do exist but this is a hammer/nail situation.
There are a lot of falsehoods based on fears (and some conspiracies) that do not help people gain a better understanding of the most common trafficking MOs.
@@pollysshore2539 Interesting, this reminds me a lot of Qanon. I think the reason us women are taught to fear is not only these conspiracy theories, but that male sexuality is seen as inherently predatorial and women are seen as inherently vulnerable. People often picture SA as this uncontrollable man animal forcefully coming on to some poor innocent virgin girl in the middle of the night, any scenario that deviates from this is hard for people to comprehend. If you don’t fit this scenario you were either “asking for it” or “not enough of a man” or “enjoyed it” etc.
I have never seen shame and confusion following assault depicted in television like this. This show really triggered me but in a way in which i was able to move through it. The part with Donnie’s dad also had my absolutely bawling
Have you seen “I may destroy you”?
The scene between Donnie and his father had me tearing up as well. Whew....it made me wish my mother would open up to me. Maybe our relationship wouldn't be estranged because I cut her off for a peace of mind.
Title: shame, desire & the performance of masculinity
Me: these are a few of my faaaavourite thingsss
Some of the victim blaming I saw online after baby reindeer dropped was wild to me, and I can't help but think that some of it was because it was a male victim. I think I was in a similar position to you when I first started watching the show, it was so... irritating, watching him enable Martha's behaviour. Then episode four happened and I had to sit back and rewatch the first three episodes with new eyes. Does it excuse some of his behaviour? No. But I think it does a bloody good job of explaining it, and giving the audience compassion for Donny. I also just thought it was a beautifully written and paced TV show. Unfortunately, society continues to be ignorant towards the idea of men being just as vulnerable to abuse/grooming/stalking as women are, and it drives me crazy. Thank you for making this video and being open and honest like always, Khadija, I appreciate you lots and I hope you have a lovely day 💕
If it hasn't happened to them, people think there's such a thing as a "perfect victim", and THEY know what they would do in those circumstances. It gives them the illusion of control.
Genuine question, was there victim blaming that was unique to him being a male victim?
There are ways people blame male victims differently than female victims, but I've only seen people complain about it with this weird assumption that we believe women more than men and no examples, but tbf I haven't been active in the discourse.
This is pretty anecdotal but in real life and online I've noticed that when it comes to men, people believe the event happened but that it wasn't SA, and when it comes to women people know women can get SA'ed but generally don't believe them.
The criticism that I’ve seen online pertains to the fact that Richard went back to his abuser after the first attempt. He repeatedly put himself in a situation where he could be harmed, then it happened.
People also had similar opinions to the #MeToo movement and most recently, Cassie Ventura. A lot of people have a hard time understanding how a person gets trapped in an abuse cycle. Women aren’t shielded from that criticism.
I don’t know if that is a completely weird assumption.
(Note - I’ve spent most of my free time studying the Satanic Panic for the last 40 years, particularly radical feminist involvement in the panic. I know many fantastic people that focus on right wing involvement and some that focus on involvement from people on the right and left. Not as much attention is focused on radfem involvement and I was influenced by the sex positive feminists in my childhood that did. Heavy radfem involvement was seen in almost every country that experienced the panic. This may seem out of left field but stick with me.)
First off - Everyone that reports should be listened to, treated with compassion and their claims should be thoroughly investigated. This is something that people deserve.
I personally do not think immediate belief or disbelief belongs in investigations. I’m not saying that you should never believe someone. Far from it. The people investigating need to have some sense of impartiality to be able to conduct a thorough and proper investigation that will hold up well in court.
The claims you have seen are probably related to the believe victims/women mantras re popularized in recent years.
A bit of history - Mantras about believing the victim/believing women and children have a very sorted recent history.
The last time mantras of this nature were popular was during the Satanic Panic and the mantras tended to be accompanied by the promotion of known psychotherapeutic pseudoscience that goes hand in hand with conspiracy theories, increases the likelihood of false accusations/wrongful convictions, and has harmed many people (both vulnerable patients, several individuals falsely accused). When the conspiratorial pseudoscience and the believe mantras (as well intentioned as the mantras might be) are introduced into judicial systems, as they were during the panic and once again on an international scale by End Violence Against Women International starting in the UK in 2011, it erodes rights and collapses judicial systems in the worst possible way imaginable.
More miscarriages of justice occur and it inevitably harms more than it helps.
Interjecting belief and attempting to mandate it into law has been shown to reduce the quality of investigations and court cases multiple times over the last 40 years.
An increase in cases involving obvious conspiratorial, bizarre and humanly impossible claims tends to accompany demands to believe as well.
Unfortunately the last decade + and MeToo era were no exception.
The same pseudoscience that started and drove the Satanic Panic was reintroduced to our courts. The same conspiracies have been gaining popularity again and there have been several miscarriages of justice in multiple counties.
The people that have experienced injustices, or know someone that has, will point to the believe mantras because when they become enshrined into law that means one person is going to be subjected to disbelief by default.
@@pitel_palkel On this note - do not be surprised if you see more #MeToo cases fall apart.
I’ve been waiting for the Weinstein case to collapse because it is full of conspiratorial pseudoscience, though that is far from the only problem.
It was not handled well, and this is a shame.
The introduction of belief + conspiratorial pseudoscientific will eventually result in cases crumbling and this harms people that did experience victimization.
My mother went ahead and called the mother of my ex who SA'd me to punish me and discuss how I was lying... It was really hard for me to open up about it because I was ashamed that he did this to me. There were signs that she would never be a mother to me and protect me, but I my inner child kept hoping that she would be a mother. I gave up, but this betrayal is whew very very traumatizing I have ptsd from the Sa , I still live with her because I don't have the resources to move out, I relieve the trauma every day and I fear that I will never heal as long as I am here. What is he doing right now ? Is he suffering? When will all of this end ? The video was triggering, yes, but so, so spot on. Sending virtual hugs to anyone seeing this
i’m in the same situation
I just got out of a similar situation. It does get better. It's still hard, but it's much less suffocating when you're not still there with people like that. Still looking at and listening to everything.
I'm truly sorry you've been through such awful things, and I hope this message helps a bit.
Girl! Whew! My mom did the same. I found evidence of her communicating with the man who abused me. Never felt betrayal like that before.
Hope fortune falls upon you so you can properly heal
@@MoMo-rx4zr It's so incredibly violent for someone to go through this, like it's your mother, your MOTHER it's already traumatizing enough and a lifetime of trying to heal being assaulted but now you have to fight the person that brought you into this world, the first person that you met, someone who is supposed to go to war for you. I did not want other people to go through this, it's too painful and disgusting. I am sorry that you are going through this, I'm not going to lie it's hard to imagine that we'll be out of here, but I hope and pray you and I both will manage to have beautiful lives still
I was one of those "you are so lucky to have this father" survivor. I come from a family of multi-generational charming and very talented abusers. To this day, I cant date a musician or a performer. They start turning on the charm and I enter a freeze/flight mode.
🙅🏾♀️🙅🏾♀️🙅🏾♀️
Edit: also, I told about my abuse but the answer I got from my mom and other adults and children in my life were so horrific, I have to do EMDR for this trauma as well. The abuse was bad but the lack of support after destroyed me even more.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
I also have the experience of having the charming abuser.
My dad was so adept at reading people. Telling them what they wanted to hear inorder to drop their suspicion.
I hope you've found healing too.
I really resonate with this, and it fits perfectly with what Khadija was saying about how support from your parents/family can be so healing. Well the opposite of that (getting shunned or further neglected by them) can be insurmountably crushing, and exacerbate the shame and fear of speaking out even further. And then the next time it happens, it’s ‘easier’ to not speak out and hold onto it alone. Who can you trust to hold space for your trauma? Will you ever trust someone to do that? Doesn’t your inner child just want your parents to hold that space, especially when they were your first abusers?
You’re not alone, I’m right there with you 💗💗
As an SA survivor who blamed myself and stayed around my assailant, I am so grateful to Richard Gadd for being willing to delve into this publicly. It is HARD to face the fact that this person, this friend, has betrayed and hurt you so much. It's hard to think of trying to confront that, to try to get other people to believe you etc. It's hard to accept that this friendship is not what you thought. And then my assailant also tried to "comfort" me like Darrien does in the show, while making sure to place the thought that I was responsible etc. It is so easy to blame yourself and it silences you because you're TERRIFIED of anyone else also blaming you, too. It's a terrible feeling, and you start to think if you hide it inside yourself it somehow doesn't count. It can't get you. But it DOES. It's so important to know that I was a huge "don't blame victims" person and it still happened to me, I still couldn't shake it. It's traumatic and you almost hate yourself for getting attacked, so you are choking on self loathing. It's hard to confront it and report it because you blamed yourself, someone else might too, and at least you're the only one who knows how garbage you think you are. It's so complicated and painful and he showed it so bravely. The freeze when Martha grabs him HAPPENS. And his trauma makes him operate from an already ashamed, pained, hidden place and he wasn't able to be the sort of man Terry deserved. He couldn't tell his ex what happened and why he couldn't do it, etc. I never want anyone to know this feeling, but it is also oddly comforting that someone who is a guy can understand and also eventually come through it.
I am a straight man who was SA'ed multiple times as a young boy by a teenage girl. There are several things about my life that are rooted in this and caused me a lot of shame and confusion, but I have healed through most of it. It is interesting that even some areas that claim to be feminist cannot imagine such a fate and experience could happen to a straight man to the point that your voice on the topic can even be mocked unless you feel like trauma dumping. It is odd being a survivor, but culturally assumed to only be a potential perpetrator.
I am well into my adulthood and the only people I have ever spoken about it to are a couple of my gay friends and my ex-wife (besides a therapist and my parents since I was ~6). Ironically, part of why my ex-wife and I split are because of some lasting influence it has had on my life (some degree of porn addiction, which I have gotten under control a lot better) and the intense shame that I felt around this being part of who I am. I kept the fact that I was looking at porn on the side from my ex for years, which was unfair to her, but it only made the shame and guilt I felt around this part of myself more intense and feel more legitimate.
Pro-tip, never hide your trauma in a pressure cooker.
If you want more Jessica Gunning, check out Pride (2014). Her character is a complete antithesis to Martha, she plays an extremely warm and understanding Welsh woman and the movie itself is also really sweet
Pride is a very good movie
Ooooof the part about continuing to be around the people who assault you. It's true.
The part about being like "what even matters what happens to my body" after assault. I went through the same thing.
My most recent assault I just won't talk about because I'm ashamed of the complicated stuff that happened around it. It's hard when you're not a perfect victim. As though there's such a thing.
This video summed up a lot of the things I felt after my assaults. Up to and including getting distracted by kitties in sunbeams.
Kat Blaque has some videos on being hypersexual after assault, they're very good.
I wasn’t a perfect victim either, I feel your pain
Instead of feeling hurt, I felt comfort. Comfort in knowing someone reacted to trauma the same way I did. There is no perfect victim image, yet so many people think a person will react to trauma the same way.
Yes, I felt very similarly. A mix of deep, soul-grasping comfort, and pain and heaviness. The show is really quite an achievement on an artistic and human level.
@@Alex-ph5ir I hope you're doing well for yourself now ❤️
@@emilyau8023 thank you! I've definitely done some healing over the past few years. Hope you have been doing better as well
When I watch baby reindeer I didn't expect too see my story, the whole inner monologue and after match laid out, it happened to me when I was 29 at the hands of neighbor who works film photography during quarentine, I came out as bisexual a couple months later when through the whole porn and serial dating, my grapist gives talks about "conscent" yet he did all of it to me and is a relatively famous persona in my local LGBT community, so nobody I've opened up about what happened believe me, couldn't report him because a whatsapp conversation talking about it with him wasn't enough evidence.
The show was very triggering yet validating knowing that even though it's scary that something so horrible can be so normal, it did help me get over the shame I've felt this past couple years.
"Progressive" people in so called "safe spaces" in the community told me that I was confused, that maybe my grapist was sorry, that what I'm feeling is actually internalize homophobia, questioned why I allow it to happen, telling me to stop taking about it so the community doesn't look bad and to stop participating in spaces where he might be in to avoid conflict, essentially telling me he did nothing wrong like what he did to me is okay and I'm the problem that doesn't belong which I internalized and complied further isolating myself.
Baby reindeer lifted a huge part of all the shame I've been feeling off my back since october 2020.
What happened to me showed me grapist have support systems of people who benefit from their influence so they work as enablers silencing victims for them and it works the same on any social institutions regarless of political grandstanding.
Wow. the reactions sounds just like the way the Catholic Church acts towards victims. They are all treating you exactly like abuser deniers act. Not one person believes you 😭 so much for safe spaces this is horrible ,this is like a nightmare where all of the people who are suppsedly educated and there to help are just effing abusers with a bunch of blind followers. The consent teacher is the effing abuser and not one person believes. There will be more victims. I m so sorry that you are being treated so wrongly
It's like I missed your last paragraph the first time I read your comment. That's what I was trying to say it sounds like and it's depressing and disgusting. Like is it always gonna be predators hiding predators and the predators will always be having power over other people who admire them. The important community teacher of consent(of all effing things ) that everyone admires is just another predator doing his thing.infuriating and sad omg How awful! I know I'm just a stranger who knows none of you but I certainly do believe you.
I believe you. It’s nasty and horrifying that the communities built to protect vulnerable people and prevent further abuse in your community are so rotten. I relate deeply to the drive for justice in trying to have your experience heard to prevent more abuse, and being dismissed. Currently I’m trying to convince myself that it won’t be my fault if my abusers hurt someone else. For my peace, I must believe in karma.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Assault in dynamics people don't like to acknowledge is difficult. Queer/Trans ones included.
You aren't alone. I believe you.
one of the most confusing experiences for me was opening up about being graped to a friend and have them invalidate, not believe, turn it into something small like i'm exaggerating etc.. and then later find out that friend had also gone through the same
I’m so sorry that happened to you
The thing about SA being portrayed well in media is… it’s just so beautiful and so, so awful to not be alone.
It’s so sad reading all these comments and seeing so many of you have been SA’ed it’s so sad that it’s soo common I hope everyone is healing from such a traumatic experience sending everyone lots of love and positivity 🤍❤️🥺
I broke at the scene of him telling his parents everything
Same also we have the same pfp lmao 😭
@@spaghettibebop OMG I been using this pfp since i saw it on tumblr like 10 years ago lmaoo💀
@@AceSenpaiiii me too we probably saw the same post lmao 😭😭
I am both Gadd, and the insecurity of the stalker. I am worried, as I am getting older, I will not be able to get over the insecurity of the abuse, and be 42 trying to to fill that void that I did not get fix in my youth. This show hit me hard. It made me paranoid, realizing I am running out of time. It is not talked about how some women gain weight, not care about their bodies to not have anyone get close to them to be abused. Then you realize how you have not cared about your body, and it becomes a cycle of hate etc.
Girl, I feel ya. I'm 45 & it's been...something.
Coming from a v traumatised 22yo who's starting positive cycles in their family... it's not too late. It's never too late. People start working out in their 60s and get super fit and healthy; people become celebrities in their 30s and 40s. My dad is finally taking accountability for all his shit and repairing his bridges, and he's 58.
For lack of better phrasing, you sound like my mum. My mum is 44 and she's been through a hell of a lot, including repeated sexual trauma and stalking. Nobody ever comes around, she has one close work friend and is otherwise "friends" with her sisters. As I'm growing into my 20s, she relies heavily on me as a friend and a confidant. Sometimes I just wanna tell her to go out and get her own friends, but I know she realistically can't. She's just too anxious and insecure. She won't lose weight or get her rotten teeth fixed because she doesn't want anyone to get close to her or find her attractive.
However, I've drawn a lot out of her through conversation and I'm starting to see a small turnaround in the way she communicates when she's frustrated or overstimulated. Change is happening. It's not too late. Love and light to you.
There wasn't any grandeur or up playing of himself. Usually when someone lies about something that happens in their life, people play up themself but Gadd doesn't. In fact, he writes himself as a bit of a coward in certain situations. That's one way of noticing wether someone is lying. This show is riveting and oddly scary
Oddly enough I never really wondered if CSA made me gay, I just kind of knew it to be true after the fact. I worried about being pregnant (sex ed was so bad at my school 😭), about my parents disowning me, about how I would live my life with a man knowing I didn’t like them nearly as much as women, ever really being love, etc. I’ve overcome a lot of the emotional stuff, but I need to start sex therapy. My intimacy is still shaky. It also gave me a deep sense of distrust that I still struggle with, since the assailant was family, and someone I was often told to go run and play with-I’ve had a hard time trusting anyone without reason, even family.
💕🫂
I related so hard to the moment of awe then joy of "but women are just so beautiful....I'm just gay!" SAME HENNY.
All abuse victims face an upward hill getting help and support from police and courts, let alone anyone else, but arguably, help and support is even worse and virtually non-existent for male victims. I know a guy who was abused and, after much convincing, he finally agreed to seek help from abuse centres, yet they all rejected him because they only served women. He couldn't find a single centre helping male victims in his _state_ ☹
I took a sex and gender class at my local community college. It was, hands down, the best class I ever took. Our teacher (shout-out Stacy Nekervis if you ever read this!!!) created such a safe space. I'm going to skip all the ground work that was laid before this question was ever even thought to be asked because I'll be here all day and we're all busy. Suffice to say, "if you feel comfortable sharing, how many of you have experienced something you consider sexual harassment, abuse, or trauma?" wasn't something terrifying, shameful, or inappropriate. Every SINGLE student raised their hand, including me. And some of what was shared was really, really, really bad. I won't even make allusions to what was said because I promised to take it all to my grave. In that moment I suddenly raised that men are sexually abused and harassed way more than we think it's actually happening. I think almost ever human has experienced something along these lines at this point in my life. It's terrifying to think about. And it hurts. We need healing, and for now all I see is people being more and more traumatized...maybe one day soon we'll start making progress and not having to choose between two Boomers in the US that got us into this mess and who are both knocking on Death's door...
I have one parent who met finding out about my CSA with compassion but they found out accidentally. The other seemed to be compassionate when I told them but later when I dared to tell others they made up a narrative that I'm confused because therapists implanted false memories and it's not true - even tho I told them when I'd never had any therapy. Shit sucks.
This show astounded me with its honesty. It was so important to be that honest but holy fuck that takes some courage. I am sooo happy this show has gotten so popular because it tells a really complicated scenario so unbelievably well and the fact that it’s reached so many is amazing. I honestly hope this completely shifts the way sexual assault is depicted and discussed on film, because god knows we need that. In fact it usually is never discussed, there is no “aftermath”, Sansa just puts on a fuck you black dress on and struts down the stairs and we are suppose to feel all better. To have a whole show that is aftermath, is so amazing.
This show was such an emotional rollercoaster. I felt so seen by it, and again by this video. You put those feelings so brilliantly into words.
Richard Gadd is an amazing writer. I love how you frustratingly real Donny was. So many times I had to pause the show just being like "this guy is so stupiddd" but irl, who isn't? Who isn't desperate for validation and attention? Who isn't willing to put everything on the line if it means guaranteed success? Gadd is a flawed human being just like all of us
martha was acted so well , i did feel pity while a chill went down my spine
So as someone assigned male at birth I experienced CSA by the hands of my babysitter's daughter for a year or two. Luckily, I was able to realize it relatively early in life alongside not subscribing to any gender binary or sexual affiliation (I was asexual for >20yrs). I always saw myself as someone sexually vulnerable there after, as a result I was indeed apprehensive around men. Despite my very first instance of SA being perpetuated by someone assigned female at birth, men always posed a bigger threat. When you are able to assess sexual predatory behaviors at a young age, it's overwhelmingly evident who the main perpetrators are.... that being said, Baby Reindeer was phenomenal in its nuance especially being able to perfectly highlight the complexities male victims encounter after experiencing SA.
I support victims of SA & Abuse, and I'm glad this show exists to start the dialogue up again. That being said, I can't bring myself to watch it, and that's okay. I've heard enough stories from friends, family & the public to know and have empathy. It's just sad that the empathic response went over some people's heads. It's sad that we have to have this discussion around male victims yet again.
I honestly wonder how folks would react with 2024 eyes towards the Michael Jackson allegations. Then again, lots of people want Kevin Spacey back in TV & Movies. I'm grateful the #MeToo Movement has enlightened so mang people to reality lurking behind closed doors.
I just wanted to comment for the algorithm, because more people need to know and they need to read this comment section.
I related to Donny from the very beginning because a lot of his actions and reactions to Martha were so irrational it had to have come from a place of utter self negligence and hatred. He never even screamed at her besides after Martha insulted and attacked Teri, so that scene really sealed the deal for me, as well as his constant downplaying of what’s happening and his sympathy for her. As Teri said no healthy and confident person would respond to a stalker the way Donny did. Incredibly horrifying chain of events that happens way too often, so im glad Richard Gadd was able to process his traumas to make this a show. People need to hear these stories told how they are. Because it is very messy, and which is why there is very rarely a perfect victim.
I can't tell you how much healing I've done since watching this show. I was stalked a few years ago and felt so fucked up about how I behaved with my stalked and how much I "deserved" the terror he brought into my life soon after. I was able to move far away and put it out of my mind, but I was so confused and ashamed, I just couldn't let myself process it. Watching someone else go through it as a not-so-perfect victim allowed me to finally extend some compassion to myself.
Man, the bit about not being able to trust your own discernment hit hard. I went through a rough shame spiral and remember saying something about not being able to ever truly trust someone else, that you were never truly safe, so don't go thinking that you could know better having lived through an abusive episode. I hadn't thought about that in a while, I'm better now, but it's so true. Feeling so out of control of your own body and life path, the shame of it all, the shame based choices just seeking a validation of something you aren't quite sure of, it's the same way for all of us if we don't have the skills and community to process. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.
me and my friend binged the full thing together for the first time and were just yelling OMG DON'T STOPPPP the whole time. It was such a wild ride, so incredibly well written and really shows a lot of things never shown in most other media (men dealing with SA, a fat woman being an object of desire, transwoman in fucking general, loving parents connected parents, etc etc etc.) It was soooo good omg
As someone who's not really sure if they were sexually abused or not these conversations always feel kind of weird
Sometimes our brains help us forget to help us heal from traumatic events. Being unsure is sometimes better for us. I hope you heal ❤
I also doubt some of my csa memories. It is important that you don’t go “digging” (ruminating about the hurtful situations and scary people) because as the previous reply said, our brains protect us from memories for a reason. Do I follow this advice perfectly? NO! Sometimes my want to be a “valid survivor” with all of the evidence, no matter how retraumatizing it may be, and I comb through all of the memories I have and all of the information I can get my hands on.
My best piece of advice I got from therapy is to listen to and treat the body. It doesn’t have to have a reason and it doesn’t have to be logical, it doesn’t have to be provable to anyone not even yourself. If you are experiencing an emotional or body reaction, it’s time for self care and creating healthy outlets for those emotions to come out without judging or explaining it. Once again, easier said than done. Good luck and I hope you find peace.
I've been there, went through a long process of memory retrieval. Some of it was abuse, a lot of it was people trying to plant false memories in my mind. Because my ability to enjoy pleasure was something they could sense on a primal level, and it triggered them.
So much abuse is just people not taking accountability for their triggers.
Good luck on your journey. Nothing wrong with having enjoyed an experience.
heavily relate
Your mood at the beginning of this one is so fun!
And in the patreon credits!!
There was a point in this video that I kept rewinding what you were saying to listen to it again and again and I found myself in tears, I think this video provided a sort of catharsis that I didn’t know I needed. Thank you for being so open about this topic Khadija.
Sending you hugs (which feels weird and meh online but still) 💕
Being r*ped while completely out of your mind on acid has to be one of the most nightmarish scenarios I can think of. Also taking A CUP full of LSD is insane, I know that it’s for dramatic effect for the Netflix audience but I once took 5 liquid gel caps of acid all at once before and I was so high I literally thought I was going insane, that I would never stop being this high for the rest of my life, I started to internally freak the F out. And I was just in a theater at the time by myself in a neutral safe public setting.
I cried when he told his parents, it was so heartwarming to see their support and love like that
I kept thinking about mwn who are SA’ d in prison and tune into their femininity and how this is so incredibly common that they call it “getting turned out” how the way your brain protects you from an event as traumatic as grape is by changing your personality/identity as to survive and cope as best you can with what has happened
That’s INSANE I never thought of it that way but I think you’re absolutely right!! Your mind creates a persona capable of surviving what you went through and files your true self away, often until you feel safe again. Like Dissociative Identity Disorder but with less multitudes, kinda. I wonder why things like this aren’t more prevalent in psychological studies considering so many people seem to be affected by such- and the like.
i was sexually assaulted a year ago and hearing you speak about the way you did was so healing and validating. You explained the emotional turmoil i've been feeling for so long. Thank you for making me feel seen.
This show made me really consider things, looked into the resources in the end of the ep too.
The way he showed how confused he was with his sexuality afterwards was super relatable, me and some friends that have had similar things happen have talked about how often our brains can try to cope with something by turning it to be the opposite of what it was...Like being turned on by something awful that happened to you. Ive noticed this in other parts of life too, where I often have dreams of me being good friends with my school bully, and it feels like my brain is trying to associate good feelings and memories with them in an effort to neutralise the whole thing, similar stuff with SA things where in an effort to not be triggered every time something reminds you of it, you feel turned on instead, or some other distracting feeling that allows your brain some respite.
Wow thank you so much for your comment. I’m a bit older and I like to think of myself as introspective and reflective but I never knew why I would sometimes dream being friends with and having the nicest interaction possible (the kind that you could only have in dreams) with my college bully. And also why for a while I was suddenly so attracted to the boy who SAd me in college (who happened to be the then bf and later husband of my bully) despite the fact that I used to find him viscerally disgusting. Your comment suddenly solved both conundrums for me, thank you!
Before last year, I had been SA’d only by men, and in typical ways. There were many times where I wished I was not straight so that I could be with a woman and maybe feel safer and more understood/taken care of physically and emotionally. I thought men were the enemy, and I even remained abstinent for nearly a year just to try to heal and regain a relationship with my body.
But then I was SA’d by a woman. In public. With many witnesses who did nothing to stop it because a) it was a straight woman doing it to another straight woman (her husband was there with her that night) and b) I was in such a state of shock I didn’t look upset by it until a while later after she left and someone asked me “was that okay with you?” and I finally lost it and ran to the bathroom.
That experience made me realize no one is ever “safe” from SA. My friends were there and didn’t think to step in, her husband was there and didn’t stop her. She wasn’t even queer, to my knowledge, and she didn’t do it to satisfy her own physical desires but rather to make a mockery of my body. I still don’t know what her motivation was, and I never will.
I was in a situation in which I “should” have been safe from that, and yet it still happened. I always saw SA as something that happens when you are in a vulnerable, unprotected state (which can be something as small as walking alone to your car at night, or something large like being in a relationship with a man who has convinced you that what he is doing isn’t as bad as it feels.)
But now I know that it can happen anytime, anywhere, to any degree, and for any reason.
And THIS is the reason why shows like this are so important. Anyone and everyone should be aware of the fact that they too can be the victim. No matter how safe they may feel.
So many people don’t get the support they need. Too many don’t even give support to themselves out of shame or denial, or because it “shouldn’t” have happened and they feel completely responsible for their own well-being.
Shows like this are so healing because, at the very least, they’re validating. And sometimes validation is worth everything to someone who pushes something down like it’s going to kill them if they don’t. Even just feeling like you’re not alone is worth so so much to so many, including myself.
I am so deeply glad that more and more people are making art like this, however I tend to not watch content with these topics as it can be too triggering for me personally (I May Destroy You is one of the best works of art I’ve ever seen but it also deeply fucked me up for months), so I really appreciate you providing your thoughts on this Khadija so I can be a part of discussing its meaning without having to actually watch it lol ❤
Thank you for always showing up with a nurturing, honest, and safe space.
Knowing someone had the power to change me and the world I live in, in such a horrific way taught me the opposite could be true. Someone could come and make it all better. With this idea in mind I was married with kids by age 20 to the man who SA me and that is how our first child was conceived. I kept it secret out of shame (religious at the time and I shouldn't have been drunk etc.) I stayed married to him for 14yrs. I blamed myself for 14+yrs. I misunderstood the whole reason why. This show brought so much more to light. It's brilliant and an important piece of art
this show was very intense but it highlighted such an important topic esp for male SA victims. it's also the first time I see the idea of adult grooming being talked about and specifically regarding a man. it's wild how men are still being shamed for sharing their stories and how many continue to hold it in because they are afraid of losing their “masculinity.”
that part of where you said the lack of trust towards other people and yourself had me tearing up. the delusionalness that you experience not understanding what happened along with your body betraying you in many ways. it's a cycle and such a hard one to surpass.
We generally call this coercion and manipulation in relation to adults.
Grooming often involves an adult manipulating a child and their parents in order to gain further access to the child.
@@pollysshore2539 Grooming is a form of manipulation and coercion though. It involves trying to get access to someone for a specific gain. He was about 20/21, a very young adult with zero experience when it occurred.
By your definition, if grooming was only regarding children then they wouldn't be grooming their childs parents because they are adults. Grooming can impact adults especially if they are young adults (18-23).
Sorry, I have a pet peeve (nothing personally related to you at all) with people trying to extend the language of CSA to adults.
It waters down the seriousness of CSA and quickly becomes pernicious in the wrong hands. A form of infantilization occurs in that situation and it is problematic.
Terminology exists to explain various forms of victimization that adults experience as well. Again, grooming encompasses everything perpetrators do to gain and maintain access to their child victims.
@@pollysshore2539 I respect your opinion but I don't share it. I don't think grooming which is the same as manipulating is watering down terminology for CSA. You can extend it to vulnerable adults and it still is valuable towards CSA victims. In some ways, you're essentially blamining the victim in this show for his SA because you don't think we should “infantalize” him when nobody is infantalizing him at all. We are just seeing the truth of the matter. He was drugged and repeatedly SA’d by someone he trusted and looked up to.
Grooming is manipulating your victim in an imbalance relationship. He's not a perfect victim but I don't know what else you would call him (a naive aspirational young comedian) being SA’d by his older experienced mentor other than grooming. I am not “watering down” anything towards CSA victims but I also think it's not as black and white as you may think. Once again, I do respect what you said.
i feel so seen by your comment thank you
24:37 Nope. It's not that we men don't think men could do it, it's that all of masculinity is based on daily nonverbal violence and the threat of bigger violence. If it happens to you, it means you know you've "failed" at masculinity bc the violence was putting you back in line for having needs, showing any vulnerability, not being threatening enough yourself, not staying on guard and closed off.
This show was legitimately a masterpiece. As an abuse victim of so many different descriptions, that monologue by Donny's character gave me the most INDESCRIBABLE catharsis.
The amount of contemplation and meta-cognisance it must’ve taken Richard Gadd to get to the place that he has in order to write/perform this must be tremendous.
It must take a lot of courage.
When I was SA’d I saw an assault based therapist and they described the need or act of putting myself back into compromising (sexual) situations as “recreation”. Putting a word to it was so freeing, it was a way to in a way attempt to regain control and change the outcome of what happened.
.....and I'm sat!
Edit: You hit the nail in the head with not trusting yourself and being in shame. Therapy has helped me process most of it but I'm not sure it fully ever goes away.
I think it was at 19:30 about your body just becoming a vehicle on autopilot after SA and I felt that. I've moved past my SA but I will always mourn who I was before that. I haven't watched this Netflix show yet because of the subject matter, but thank you for making this video💕
I’m a csa survivor and your words about how SA is essentially an immaterial theft of a body, that really resonated with me. I’ve always kind of felt that way about my body after what I experienced. It hurts, but there’s hope for healing. I wish you love and healing, survivor to survivor 💙
i wasn't expecting this especially because i have seen Baby, Reindeer... But wow the part where you talked about abusive relationships, fucked up parents and the assault and how it may or may not effect sexuality, damn. i have never felt this seen and heard. more conversations like this.
I've been wanting to watch this because so many of my favorite people have talked about it. I'm an SA survivor who felt I was "the bad victim" for a long time and think I could personally handle it because I've been through a lot of my healing journey. I want to watch it with my male partner who has slowly been coming to terms with things that happened when he was younger because I think he might relate even more than I do. And for that i want to know as much as I can so he and I can talk about it to see if we're both in the right place for it. Might be a while before we're both there but thats okay we're usually late to new shows and movies anyways lol fine to be late to the party if it means we got there safely ❤
16:42 I’m so glad you spoke about this because I did the same thing & I feel like enough people don’t talk about this aspect of SA. The distortion of the body and its purpose sexually is so real😭
I've seen so many people talking to about this, but your analysis is the first one that really gets it. I didn't watch the show and I likely won't. I'm a survivor and I've also been stalked... I really don't think watching the show would be good for me. Thank you for talking about this out loud, though. Silence around these things makes everything a million times worse.
Such an important series. The fact that he played himself and wrote from his experiences is so brave and important for having conversations re: many themes discussed! Did you see the horror series THEM SEASON 2? This is a great year for televison..
13:13 got me so bad bc this show helped me really confirm my feelings around my abusive mother and not to trauma dump too much here but damnnnnnnnn this show changed me and i wish more people could see clearly or experience growth like this
Wow! You got me thinking abt how every time I was assaulted be it my mom, family, or a guy, I was always left alone with pain and no one to care. Realizing why I don’t try to talk abt the trauma and pain I go through now. Why I’m so introverted now. I don’t trust ppl to actually help me, the belief of no one cares, comes from that, my real abandonment issue.
I hadn't thought about my SA much for a while and then I watched this show and it was so unexpectedly triggering! Ha a big PTSD flare up and panic and felt like my body wasn't mine anymore and I was back there again as soon as I finished the show and what I had just watched sunk into my brain.
But it did give me space to work through that panic and realise how far I'd come, and I felt seen. Which I think says it was well made? I enjoyed it, thought it explored shame in such a good way. I felt especially seen when he didn't leave immediately, part of my brain was screaming at the TV because he wasn't leaving but I also stayed afterwards so it hit that deep part of me that still questions why I didn't run.
Definitely shouldn't (for my nervous systems sake) watched it all at once though, I learnt that lesson.
It also made me want to watch I may destroy you all over again, because that was my comfort show for a while and I think I would be in such a different place with my shame and healing without that show.
0:39 so TRUE i have never spoken aloud to my screen so much as when I was watching this series, you can see just how isolated he is and how ONE PIECE of good advice or support could have helped his situation so much, but he didn’t feel he could rely on anyone else :( devastating
Cruel indifference = lack of empathy.
Shame is a rough game mode I swear. I grew up with an abusive dad and my mom had a lot of abusive boyfriends - basically every man in my life growing up either frightened me, hurt me or otherwise completely ignored me. Growing up feeling unloved by your parent (regardless if they do) brands you with the idea that "If my parent can't love me, who could?" or "if my parent can leave/hurt me, then anyone can". Only to then grow up, carrying that distrust and shame (cause I must deserve it in some way or why else don't others get treated the same), and someone comes along and makes you feel the same way those adults did, you just revert back to that child again but so much worse.
I'm 30 and I feel like I can barely function right, I don't trust myself to make any choices, know what my sexuality is, know what I like, know how to be a good friend or partner or to pick good people and so I just don't want to waste anyone's time with my mess.
13:08 "think about some of your parents. that hurt didn't it, huh" yeah uh it sure did, especially with what you followed up that with 😰😭 my parents were quite highly regarded within our little community and for some years after i estranged myself from them, i had to endure messages from people attempting to talk me into speaking to them again bc "they're such good people, there must have been a misunderstanding." YES THERE IS A MISUNDERSTANDING, BUT IT'S YOU THAT HAS MISUNDERSTOOD, SIR/MADAM.
or there would be people who'd had good, superficial relationships with them (my stepmother owned a business that many in the local vietnamese community were patrons of, my father was involved in the church choir & various fundraising and holiday events) who would ask me about them, not knowing what had happened and i wouldn't have the heart or energy to explain to them that i wasn't in contact with them anymore. none knew the extent of abuse i & my siblings endured (it was not sexual abuse like what's happened here, but other physical abuse, and emotional abuse as well).
edit:
29:30 re: "it costs more than it's worth to come out about being abused" this also hit a bit close to home there. i'm happy to say that i have a wonderful support network now but it took a long time and a lot of growth in the past decade to get there. i hope anyone reading this takes care of themselves or if they're struggling, that things look up for y'all soon.
21:08 "You cannot make home about human beings." Brilliant. Thank you for that, Khadija.
This show was so powerful and really moved me in powerful ways I havent even articulated to my therapist yet
You talk me through this shit like a therapist. Thank you. I needed more discourse after watching it because it had me triggered.
I haven't watched baby reindeer because I don't have netflix, but I feel like I have because of ppls reviews. So thank you
piracy websites exist
Piracy is okay
It's not that I'm against them, I'm just too lazy, yt is easier
@@xfrejaany recommendations??
Not me JUST realizing you're Canadian??!?! Love to see it. Thank you for covering this content ❤
Society's responses to a lot of sexual violence victims who are men and cry for help and justice isn't exactly the same as the way they react to women's cries for help, but unfortunately it's just as dismissive or accusatory. Yhe questions are almost always " why didn't you fight back?" , "As a man, how could you let that happen?" Or the worst one I think " Clearly you were just weak because if it was me..." . But it wasn't them. You weren't strong . In that moment, you were made aware of how fragile and human you are. And societies has the nerve to tell you that you should have done something...and most of the time they say these things to kids who are like 12!!!
You deep reading pure hearted little so-n-so. Thank you and please be proud you got your mind out of the pit when you did because some of us take longer because it is HARD WORK (that YOU DID) 💖
i cried during this video i don’t think i’ve ever felt so seen by someone in my life. thank you for your strength
💕 take care of yourself boo
When you talked about not being able to trust yourself after abuse, not being able to trust your own judgement and the way you value other people - it hit really close to home.
People are opaque and terrifying to me after people I thought I could trust have done some of the worst things humans are capable of, both to me and to the few people I love. I’ve not been able to properly process or work through these wounds in my psyche, and I just feel fundamentally broken and isolated from my peers.
How can one live happily after sexual, emotional and physical abuse have left a permanent stain on your world?
Idk why this video isn't appearing in my subscription tab :c but it was recomended?
Same! I can’t find it in subscriptions but my tv recommended it to me.
same!!!!!!!
I love the way Khadija addresses such heavy topics and make it more palatable with humor, eloquence & it’s just brilliant .. kudos to you 👏🏽
Khadijah posted, let me pull up my chair
This series has done so much for victims of assault. Society has this idealistic image of a victim and how they believe they should react. These expectations are so far from what most of us actually experience and it’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been through it. This series slapped people in the face and said wake up! It’s the most honest, raw and vulnerable depiction of what life is like after. It’s not like all the Lifetime movies you’ve watch, it’s messy and dark. Not everyone will react the same, some people will react the way society expects but most won’t. For so many of us we will do anything to forget and pretend it didn’t happen. The brain has a way of protecting itself and sometimes that means filing it away. So many people go on to continue to hurt and abuse themselves because when you are violated you lose the person you were, it changes you forever and the person you would have been. There’s so much fear but mostly shame. We pretend that we believe victims and that we protect them but the truth is that victims are often blamed, they are shamed and accused. We are interrogated, we are asked what we did, why were you there, why did you …
It also makes people uncomfortable, especially when it’s a person in power or someone we don’t want to imagine as a predator. The police are suppose to protect victims but in so many cases the victim is often re-traumatized over and over again by the people who are suppose to protect them. I’m 43 and I’ve experienced grooming and SA. I was groomed by an older guy when I was 13 and extremely vulnerable and naive. That changed my life forever and started me on a path of self-destructive behavior and validation through sexuality. I let people hurt me over and over again because I so badly just wanted to be loved. I was then assaulted at 18 at a party while heavily intoxicated. I allowed myself to be blamed for what others did because I wanted to flirt and make out with a boy. It took me years to talk about what happened to me, my brain hide a lot of it. I still don’t know exact details but in my late 30’s I began having flashbacks and developed extreme PTSD. I was now a mother and my daughter was getting older, it brought up a lot of shame and fear I had been holding on to. My mother in law could see me struggling and she convinced me to get help. It took me over 20 years to finally say out loud what happened to me. The shame was paralyzing. It had controlled my life for so long. I didn’t want my daughter to see that, I didn’t want it to affect her so I finally got help.
Watching this series has been so validating. It’s started so many necessary conversations and exposed so many people to a different perspective. It’s difficult to watch, but it’s also such an important watch.
I’m so proud of you for getting the help you deserve. It’s so difficult putting those feelings into words but so so rewarding ❤
Loved the show and this video is going to make me start back up my UA-cam channel. The shame was draining me
The amount of men, nearly all that I’ve talked to romantically, have been assaulted by family members and shrug it off like it’s ok and have said “it happens”. It’s sad. At first I was like “am I beacon for abuse?” But now I see I’m a comfort that they didn’t know they needed and they don’t understand why I’m nice to them because they feel like “you’re only nice because you want something from me” but I’ve showed them love and even when it didn’t work out, we remain friends. My heart goes out to all of those who have been assaulted. I am one and I hope you know there is love and it’s not your fault and take your time.
I love that the movie showed all aspects of sexual abuse from when you finally tell the police to when you finally tell your family to being ashamed and feeling used but trying to take back control by having sex with strangers to the sadness and depression, abuse of drugs/alcohol, the thoughts you have and how much it means when someone is nice to you even if they’re abusive and how you keep going back because you feel like it’s what you deserve or it feels comfortable…it honestly showed me how far I’ve come in these 8 years. I thought it was going to be a comedy but it was a mirror.
Im sure i wasnt the only one bopping along to " I love a wide lens"
this video was great tysm for being open and honest about SA and trust etc.
I've never felt so seen while watching a video. Thank you Khadija you're so brilliant and real. SHAME FESTERS IN THE DARKNESS. Absolutely for the crazy-making part and not trusting your judgment... Great work !
Anyone else not having Khadija’s videos show up for them?? I had to search the channel specifically cause I was like, “gurl where are they??”
Shadowbanned?!?
YES!! same
they're ok for me
Something is afoot because her videos usually show up in my subscription feed and these past few haven’t.
Yes! I've had this happen with their last two videos and idk what's up
@@notsquirtley-enough yeah same here! The last two videos weren’t in my feed