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julien yes but do you like those asshole people that you think everyone else likes, you probably cant stand them just as i cant, i am a massive people pleaser and yet i like people pleasing type people, how is one to know what is kind, compassionate loving individual and what is a people pleasing, maybe it is jsut the personality type and in our nature to please others, and not out of fear as you suggest, for me i think it is triggered by a sympathy, compassion and pity for others and a desire to help them, it comes off as massive people pleasing and i think it annoys people enormously, gets me ghosted and probably people see kindness and love as weakness because it doesnt register in their brain, they dont believe themselves worthy of love so they push away loving people, i think maybe some people that are overly nice and kind are just needing to find likeminded people and maybe what you are saying while it is probably true for most people pleasers it may not be the case for everyone, some of us were not traumatized by fear but traumized by other emotions such as being around depressed people and thus wanting to please them to cheer them up,
See but the thing is, as a people pleaser now that i know i have to be unique to be liked, i use that for people pleasing too and it has just become this vicious cycle of using whatever I can to people please, that now it's the only way I think, it's difficult to break apart from it
People not like you for being authentic is genuinely a good feeling. Like a weird masochism because you know it’s at least better than being liked for someone you’re not.
It’s not masochism, it’s rebellion against social norms. You get a rush breaking the rules. The rule being: “we must all be civilized and nice to each other to achieve an ideal society”.
Whilst I think you should always be authentic, if you’re a people pleaser, you should also be aware that you are in need of personal growth. Often people pleasers are weak, they have no power, and so are being “nice” as a safety oriented strategy.
"People not like you for being authentic is genuinely a good feeling." It is good feeling... until you get fired from job and you no longer can pay the rent and you live in poor country where finding another job is finding mobbing and abuse.
"Fear of conflict " This is CBT self help crap nonsense that are brainwashing us with false explanations. IT is not fear of conflict at all. This false explanation is hypnotizing you into victim mentality - and patriarch system is setting this hypnosis, brainwashing explanations. In reality - there is trauma- Trauma and fear appear the same. Trauma starts due to toxic people who abuse us in child age through criticism and expecting perfectionism. Then we have fear of expressing OUR OWN conflict. That is the only fear. And it makes a difference when we realize it is our OWN expression of conflict that trauma made us hypnotized to be afraid of talking. In poor country - we will be controlled and manipulated to shut up and never protest unfair treatment.
I think a lot of people pleasers were raised by overt and covert narcissists. Their parent/s were easily offended or always wanted agreement and to be right. So any authentic opinions from the child would cause them to be shut down, raged at or even spanked. So they learned to be agreeable little mirrors and then anyone they respect or deem a threat they begin to people please on. Also, passive aggression is the only strategy that worked in these situations where they learned they could only attack the person passively or face the same rage and condemnation which as a child they had no way to avoid. Then as an adult it becomes maladaptive and is really hard to even notice in oneself. Also conflict itself can cause extreme anxiety and even panic attacks. Thank you for your insights and tools you're helping me out so much!!!
OMG I FINALLY DID IT! I stood up for myself at work!!! I spoke my mind pretty much the entire shift, It's all because of your videos. I hope I can keep improving from here. There was a girl who kept talking down to me and ordering me around like a dog, so on my 2nd day of work (which was today) I professionally spoke to her and told her that I don't like when I'm talked down to.
You did the right thing. I used to work with someone who did the same thing to me and wished I'd have put a stop to it sooner. Instead, I kept going out of my way to make things work and only made things worse by empowering her to treat me this way. It's silly, really. But we really do teach people how to treat us, whether we know that or not.
To master protecting your own boundaries, you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Accept all the bad feelings that come with it and be willing to work through it.
Hopefully you’re not talking about your boss. I’ve found that, in business, there is a line you have to walk between not being a pushover and not jeopardizing your job or company. It’s a thin line.
For me, people pleasing in person is literally linked to physical safety because of my past. It’s so uncomfortable but I’m tired of resenting people & being angry with myself. So I’m working towards change 💜
This is interesting, you don’t have to answer - but how does this impact your relationship with your significant other? Do you then chase the approval of your partner? Wondering because I’ve been flirting with a girl at work who told me she’s a people pleaser, and I picked upon these tendencies also. It’s kind of cute, but also feel as though if she constantly needed my validation it would be exhausting
@@ctymensma "this can be helpfull." Nope. It is detrimental. HE is shaming victims of narcissistic abuse and ACoA ACE experiences. HE is doing incredible psychological damage to traumatized targets/ victims of abuse, the same damage like CBT and DSM and Jordan Peterson are promoting. The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis. (wiki)
He re-verbalizes Jordan Peterson nonsense where unfavorable Power Dynamics does not exist since he has white male genitalia that gets turned on women - so he is backed and supported by patriarch toxic system.
Well I have been abused by my family who conditioned me since childhood that “disobeying people with power & authority” invites retaliation in the form of silent treatment, blame game, sabotage, parents refusing to pay for education if we didn’t study what they told me to study or told me what to wear where to go how to eat. The punishment was endless fighting and screaming at home. I got bullied by my university coordinator who deliberately failed me 3time in a class and delayed the start of my thesis because I voiced my opinion about certain inflammatory topics that were discussed in class. I have never felt more alone and schicken and traumatised by being held ransom from different people. It is clear. Speak up and lose your basic rights and dignity and be lonely. Don’t speak up and continue to suffer till death. Thats how we become a people pleaser. It’s abuse.
You explained me to a T! I notice I resent people for acting a way instead of just telling them cause it makes me uncomfortable. Thank you for this, I’ve been learning to bask in the uncomfort but this is one “uncomfort” I really should be basking in!
Thank you so much for your content. The fact that we can watch your teachings for free and get some much needed shadow work done, is truly the meaning of “being in service”. May we all find our true selves and slay the monsters in our minds to live a free and harmonious life! Just wanted to send out some gratitude and appreciation for all your content! Can’t wait for you to come to Canada ! 🍃🙏⭐️
I had a big dog that was traumatized. She was the one who gave me the clue about people's pleasing and learned helplessness. I still miss her and I'm still fighting against people's pleasing and over sharing (I was continually controlled by my mother and I over explain each thing I do or say). My dog was always scared about not being liked by other humans except me; she knew she had an unconditional mom and a bodyguard behind 😅
Broo I love this! I work with my clients on their authenticity thanks to you. Reflections: My favorite people are brutally honest (tend to be similar/same type) BUT my problem is the icy INTJ analysis, I’ve cut too deep with my honesty. I find that framing and being constructive is an important art when you’re real with people. Sensitive people tend to drop off unless they’re open/ready for it by strengthening their self-esteem as well as having a long established rapport.
@@ranc1977 Attacking someone you don’t know online like this… sounds like you’re carrying a lot of pain and I feel for anyone in that position and hope you can find your resolution. What narcissist hurt you? I have a true narcissist that I grew up with and almost took my life multiple times. The truth is, depending on the job, I always ask clients, managers/supervisors for constructive criticism, sometimes they just give me deep cutting criticism with no recourse. I’m okay with it because it’s honestly how they feel and I have something to work on. They wanted to attack but I’m not injured, thus not a victim. I try to learn from both because it makes me more effective in supporting others, hopefully making the whole better. INTJs are notorious for being cold on the outside, yet deeply feeling on the inside I think self knowledge is really important in understanding how to be effective with individuals. That’s the nature of my comment.
warning : understanding something does not mean that you can apply it instantly in your life. if you go out right now to speak as a confident leader in front of a crowd, you won't be so confident because you lack the mandatory skills. the training in real life. Julien has been training for 15 years or more to reach this level on yotuube. so he is confident . it does not happen overnight .
a lot of intellectuals don't know how to behave arround feelers (" feelers " from the mbti theory) , wich means irrational people . feelers by definition don't behave in a rational way, but are emotional robots who react to the world. like animals. so being a people's pleaser is the only way smart guys have found to behave arround irrational people in order to be part of their irational world. - -> you the reader, would you know how to behave arround the emotional monkeys at the zoo ? no . of course not. same thing for smart people arround the stupid crowds. i am not joking. think on it for a while
@@gmsi7d371 Intelligent people who are intelectuals are usually bored with common trivial interactions and they try to fake interested for not being looked as jerks. I think Aspergers also have that problem and the same happens to people who have been isolated.
Omg just realizing so many parts of myself who ppl please. Thanks Julien for sharing. I will start to live true to myself and authentically. Its true that whenever i am with my friends, i dont feel rlly invited. Know myself with a boring personality. Now i know its because of my ppl pleasing
Great talk, I gave up trying to make people happy a while ago and much happier for it, gotta hold back sometimes though as some people can't handle the truth
I am honest about myself in a sense where I have a bubbly giddy personality but not towards others when it comes to liking the things that they like. I people please in fear of rejection as well as to get others to like me. I put up with whatever people throw at me, pretending to go along with what they say. Sure there are times where I have spoke my mind about how I have a problem with the person straight to their face. In a job setting where you work in retail, you kind of have to people please in order to get by cause you don't want to break the rules. But I believe there is a way around it and maybe getting dismissive if others want to talk about something that irks you but doing it in a way where your behavior is appropriate. "Like hey I am at work and I am trying to get stuff done that I can't talk to you about this right now." Which they should leave you alone (hopefully). But pretending to like something that they like can make them believe you're all about what they say. It doesn't hurt to be honest about what you believe in, but do it in a way where you know you can get away with it. Sure the person may not like what you have to say but it's better not to mislead them about it.
Such a brilliant explanation. I just let go of one of my regular customer today. I told them clearly why I was letting them go (condescending and overbearing). I felt a bit shit letting them know but felt really god for being honest and standing up for myself.
Thank you. Your (free!) service to people has finally (actually quite a few years ago) come to a point of authenticity from your side too, Julien, and it shows. Because these perspectives and wisdoms are actually helpful. You have transcended fake self-help and so let others do too! I needed to hear this, as a life-long people pleaser.
Julien, thanks for sharing this content. It’s absolutely outstanding. True in-depth analysis of a human, in a funny way that obliterate drama from life.
All normal, healthy and friendly people are people pleasers. Otherwise - there would be no social contact, everyone would take care of their own egocentric narcissistic butt.
There is no more authentic self left! I've mastered the art of people pleasing by learning how to efficiently read other people's reactions, mimics and tone! It's the best way to survive in life without ever bumping into any problems! I get invited nearly everywhere people always wanna hang out... I HATE IT... I'm always playing a character in any interaction with another person it's draining and I never hated anything more than myself! It doesn't help that I struggle with (on and off severe) depression. I won't ever be happy but there shall not be one person who met me and didn't like (the character I credibly portrayed to them) me... I guess that will be my role till the day I die, since I'm to scared of change 😅
I tend to do a lot of people pleasing to people I dont like (and be passive agressive) and then they end up inviting me to something. I do this on purpose but then I sometimes go to the lame persons event even if I dont want to go. To people I actually like im actual kind of real, so thats good. So I can relate to people pleasing being toxic. Its just that I use people I dont like to go to social events I otherwise wouldnt go, because I like experiencing different social settings. In the end it feels like I just shouldnt get bogged down in this though.
15:18 WOW ..... seriously these last 20 seconds sums up all of junior high for me and what i could never figure out about why no one respected me. just my whole life shattered in an instant :o
This is where I get stuck. I feel church makes me a resentful person bc do I have to offer my left cheek after getting slapped on the right? There is an extreme where everything is my fault instead of people who say everything is other people. Where is the balance where it is a win for both you and I?
Offering your other cheek doesn't mean having no personal boundaries or just taking it... It means NOT carrying any resentment with you and letting it "poison" you.
Jordan Peterson talks about this as well, and in one of his lectures, he essentially states that some “people pleasers” go so far down the people pleasing rabbit hole that they don’t even actually know what they want, and they can’t make decisions for themselves because they are usually always dependent on feedback from others, due to the fact that they are always trying to give others what they want My advice to you is to take church out of the equation, and simply try to make a short list of things that are important to you day to day. You can use that list to set boundaries Maybe exercise is very important to you. If so… set a time for your workout. Maybe you plan to go to the gym at 4 pm, four days a week. That is now a boundary 4pm on those days is your time and you are keeping that commitment to the best of your ability, and you’re not going to let anyone talk you out of it unless it is legitimately extenuating circumstances Maybe you enjoy reading. Do the same thing. Set aside time every week to read, and during that time… that is when you read. You don’t change your plan the second that someone asks you for something. You have the boundaries where you tell others “I cant right now, I’m busy” You get the idea. You don’t need to become totally selfish where you put yourself first in every single situation. But you do at minimum need to have a few things that are important to you, and you put up boundaries where you tell the outside world “no” during those specific times where you’re focused on your goals and interests
Church and my parents taught me I have to sacrifice myself to please them. That ruined my life. I consider myself spiritual but not religious. Religions are control for the masses. Besides, I don't find a religion I identify with. I like Buddhism but even the notion of karma is used to justify unfairness and hierarchies.
I don't know how making fun of nice ppl who are concerned about others especially because of childhood trauma and pathetic upbringing is helpful. It is an unconscious survival mechanism trying to get by because you never learned it the right way. It is authentic by the way, because you ARE like that. This guy is not helping insulting ppl that already have had a very rough life. These examples are a joke by the way, nobody talks this silly. Especially not ppl pl, they usually have developped a very high emotional intelligence and are very skillful in their articulation and interacting with others. If dominant, ruthless, ego ppl would be respectful and behave like grown ups, ppl pleasers wouldn't have such a hard time. I only pick lovely, mature ppl to be around and don't have any issues anymore. Toxic ppl in childhood and upbringing is exactly what brings up ppl pleasers. Ppl like this btw. I would completely run away or ignore. With loving, respectful harmony grown ups there is no need to fight all the time and then be proud of it. Tell others your boundaries and ask about theirs and stop being a jerk and be feel better about it. Just treat ppl how you want to be treated. ❤ That is authentic. Not this toxic, narcissistic way treating others below and needing dominance to feel worthy and normal because you are a dopamine junkie. When it comes to real life problems we go to the nice ppl. THAT is manipulation and using others. This guy has it so upside down. Guess it is the only way he found, NOT to be a ppl pl. Sad though. Hope nobody believes this, but looks for healing of childhood trauma and becomes the person they were meant to be without ending up arrogant, toxic and putting others down.
This is me. I just got owned on a project because I was trying to help too much and it backfired. Needed to hear this and need to work on myself. Couldn’t have received this video at a better time. If you have a course I can do to get better send it over. Need to get on this asap
"" need to work on myself" And then the gaslighting starts. You start to fix yourself - and this leads to toxic shame and self blame and self pathology. This is why self help is extremely damaging to mental health. IT misleads us into believing that we can prevent evil people by being "strong". Evil people abuse because they are sick and abnormal - not because what we say or not say.
I always notice that the people I meet/know who are actually not very nice tend to be liked by everyone. It’s sad and it makes me feel bitter but it’s true for some valid reason. And it’s something to observe and learn from. Being nice all the time doesn’t even make people like us like we hope it does. A lot of times it makes people dislike us. We would probably be better liked if we were an asshole. That’s been my experience..
thecommon yes but do you like those asshole people that you think everyone else likes, you probably cant stand them just as i cant, i am a massive people pleaser and yet i like people pleasing type people, how is one to know what is kind, compassionate loving individual and what is a people pleasure, maybe it is jsut the personality type and in our nature to please others, and not out of fear as julien suggests, for me i think it is triggered by a sympathy, compassion and pity for others and a desire to help them, it comes off as massive people pleasing and i think it annoys people enormously, gets me ghosted and probably people see kindness and love as weakness because it doesnt register in their brain, they dont believe themselves worthy of love so they push away loving people, i think maybe people that are overly nice and kind are just needing to find likeminded people and maybe what julien is saying while it is probably true for most people pleasers it may not be the case for everyone, some of us were not traumatized by fear but traumized by other emotions such as being around depressed people and thus wanting to please them to cheer them up.
Making sure my ex was happy cause I was scared he would be sad, as he was sad a lot. Did a lot of stuff for him so he wouldn't be sad. I didn't want him to be. Then I wouldn't get what I needed back. I would sometimes do things for him in hopes he would do the same for me. Damn it was dumb.
I can say I have not got in a fight with my best friend in years but its not because I'm a people pleaser but its because we are both in different states and only see each other maybe one time a year but when it comes to my wife I have arguments but we fix them the same day and move on in are relationship it the strongest relationship I have ever had and it feels amazing
Sometimes I feel like I don't resonance with anyone. I mean, it's not like I'm a bed person, people like me, but not more than this. And when I sow my more cringe side, then everyone is going away from me. I feel very lonely.
Not to be douche here, but in my experience, unfortunately, "authenticity over being nice" will often get you let-go or fired from work. That's a harsh reality. The overwhelming majority of people spend most of their day in a work environment where they can't be authentic or be themselves. You are trading being nice....along with your time....for a paycheck. I suppose someone could then argue the point that "maybe your not in the right job then if you can't be authentic". But really, all professions require a certain amount niceness and kiss-assness in order to be successful, which is often under the guise of "professionalism". I would also appreciate this presentation more if he would take off his sunglasses. I don't care if it's part of his schtick. Unless he has some visionary ailment in which wearing sunglasses indoors helps him somehow, take them off. It's rude to the people who came to see you. I would've asked him to remove his sunglasses before answering any of his questions while doing a presentation-he has valuable information that really helps people, but it's hard to take anything he says seriously based on how he dresses, and the sunglasses don't help. It's just a massive distraction.
I've seen people pleasers at the highest roles in government, it's not always a dead-end for them. Being authentic is definitely more fun and ultimately rewarding though
I know some people like conflict... I personally don't.. Because I actually am a very real person and people don't like that... I like peace and quiet and getting along with others... It stresses me out when others start meaningless fights and arguments just for sport... So I choose to be very selective of who I am friends with Not sure if there is a video about... Embracing conflict and actually having fun with it, especially for people who don't like conflict... It's sometimes a full time job... No thanks Will Lookup the book live without fear thanks
Narcissists love drama but this guy is talking about not betraying yourself just to avoid conflict. I hate conflict but being a people's pleaser have brought too many problems. It was a coping mechanism that helped me to survive my childhood but it became maladaptive to me in society. I'm so nice that some people believe I'm a fool. Besides, I want to be more me and less what others want me to be.
@@JulienHimself yea I'm very empathetic.... the video of Ross from friends and his leather trousers were you said to laugh at your anxiety like you would laugh at that, I couldn't laugh at that because I felt bad for him and imagined myself in his shoes instead of the viewers. My fake friends use me as their therapist but my problem is I can't say no 😅
@@Lefty-1909 Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed and well-fed. Herman Melville (August 1, 1819 - September 28, 1891)
It is because the cause of their betrayal is something, (a behaviour from someone) which they are not content with from the very initial manifestation of. But they let that behaviour intensify and fester until they can't bear it anymore. Then boom! They change colours and suddenly something they were so alright with is exactly what made them distant and a stranger. We people pleasers speak up too late.
I love your videos and I only found them yesterday!! I love the way you think and put stuff into words 🤍 I want to try and atleast calm down my social anxiety/hating myself so much and the motivation to do so has come from watching you so thank you!! 😊 I want to finally make my creative writing teacher proud and get back to writing on my journey to becoming a successful author like I've wanted since I was 5!! Also overcoming my social anxiety/getting better with it I know will also make him super happy!! 🤍 Thank you Julien!! 😊🤍
I dont agree whit evertything, because low self worth leads to people pleaser tendency, so the part of being manipulate, or gettin mad is not always true, the person may feel a lot of guilt and low self value when is bad treated
Here's the thing with people pleasing for me. It's a way to fake effort when you are either too tired to talk and process more information because you've already overloaded yourself that day, or when the story is that boring that you can't help but fake an anwer that isn't: "that's boring". Would saying: "thats boring" lead the conversation moving into another area that might be more interesting? Or does it lead to a slap in the face and rejection? So ... I do take a happy medium approach to all of it for now. But I have to say, all this is making me more aware of the "trick".
He said being nice is very good when it is authentic. Faking being nice is sth people pleasers do and it is not good. I'm also a naturally kind and hepful person but this is different. Let's say: a guy comes to my table asking if he may sit with me. I don't want to but I agree and smile so he feels ok and not rejected. He is asking multiple questions I don't want to answer but I do trying to make them nice looking answers. Insists to buy me a coffee and how can I hurt his feelings to say no? Maybe he's lonely?? I say no but finally have to accept the coffee. He wants to walk me home after...... you know what I mean? Was this being nice a good thing? I hated every second of the situation and begged heavens for any help but supressed all the "no" to be nice. Because he might be lonely or so... you think this way of being nice is a good thing? Because I was this way. I finally stopped going anywhere I was so afraid someone will try to hang out with me and I'll be internally forced to accept that because I must be NICE. Staying home was much safer. Now I say no when I want to - still in a very polite and kind manner and this is a healthy "being nice I think. :)
You can't be you authentically. The world is full of selfish people, including family. The moment you put limits to anything they behave irrationally when they actually know their behavior is unreasonable. Also it's not true they don't like people who never disagrees with them. They actually do, as long as their ideas and behaviors are not questioned they are happy. No realness, no honesty just pure BS
He does not know it. HE is not trauma informed. HE is selling self help industry by self blame and self pathologizing methods. OCD starts as need to control - which is learned in ACoA ACE ambient of criticism and perfectionism. OCD is toxic shame, we try to alter our mood through obsessions and compulsions - and Julien is leading us into OCD - that we develop PureOCD worry and self blame anything that we do as reaction to narcissistic abuse around us. True path would be self trust and self acceptance as we are. Not blaming or shaming who we are, as Julien profess it in his video here.
Tell yourself everyday🪞 "you don't give uh fuck" eventually you won't. OR Get rejected everyday Than eventually You won't give a damn What people think
Yes stop people pleasing it destroyed my relationship. His nasty friends decided to break us up LoL and he cowered in the corner hoping they wouldn't attack him. It's disgusting. Where the hell have all the real men gone?
People pleasing and car salesman tactics are not the same! There are people in the world who wish to serve others before themselves! That’s not being manipulative! Then you have people pleasers who are timid, or introverted and that’s still not manipulative! I agree with being more confident with yourself and being a genuinely curious person, but not everyone in this world wants to be a leader or an extrovert!
Honey, take it from a fellow people pleaser, it is manipulative. Your not being genuine with your thoughts and actions as a person. It's no different that someone who talks to much to lie and hype themselves up when everything that they are saying isn't true. You don't really have to be introverted to be a people pleaser because people pleasing comes out in different ways. I understand your defense and agree with your generalized point of view but it's literally just another form of being fake and lying to people. Still no good.
@@gangstarock2455 it may be “fake”, but what kind of world would we live in if everyone said what was on their minds? You don’t know. No one can say for certain. Maybe you have an idealized fantasy that we will all be happier because we’re free to express ourselves but I think the opposite. I think everyone would start spreading a lot more negativity and it would spread like wildfire. We are empathetic creatures, if everyone around you is miserable it’s much harder to stay happy. The way to a happier humanity is to accept your dark side and find from within a way to treat people around you with respect and kindness for the sake of humanity!
"People pleasing and car salesman tactics are not the same! There are people in the world who wish to serve others before themselves! That’s not being manipulative! Then you have people pleasers who are timid, or introverted and that’s still not manipulative! " I am putting this on my social media. Spot on!
@@gangstarock2455 ""a fellow people pleaser, it is manipulative." If you manipulate other people, you are not people pleaser, you are cover narcissist. Read his comment once again, but this will be hard for you to process, as narcissist who is living in his dream fantasy world of self delusions and mental illness. PArt which your narcissistic sick mind is blocking is this: " not everyone in this world wants to be a leader or an extrovert!"
@@ranc1977 People pleasing is defense mechanism caused by trauma in early childhood. Your confusing people pleasing with altruism and I agree that altruism isn't a bad thing but people pleasing is. You go along with what others want against your own interest and even sometimes safety. My people pleasing habits have lead into some actually physically dangerous situations that now I'm glad I can recognize.
What about when you start a new job though? Don’t you kind of have to kiss ass and act nice so people don’t think your an asshole at first? I always feel like I need to do that when I start new jobs even though I hate the way I’m acting, but they don’t know my character so if I’m myself I think people will think I’m just uninterested? I’ve quit a lot of jobs because i would create a fake persona and then I’d get exhausted having to keep up with it, then I’d quit.
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You're not a people pleaser but you wear a Gucci t-shirt for what? 😂 To please people
@@samon_kurowassanno, for himself. To please himself.
julien yes but do you like those asshole people that you think everyone else likes, you probably cant stand them just as i cant, i am a massive people pleaser and yet i like people pleasing type people, how is one to know what is kind, compassionate loving individual and what is a people pleasing, maybe it is jsut the personality type and in our nature to please others, and not out of fear as you suggest, for me i think it is triggered by a sympathy, compassion and pity for others and a desire to help them, it comes off as massive people pleasing and i think it annoys people enormously, gets me ghosted and probably people see kindness and love as weakness because it doesnt register in their brain, they dont believe themselves worthy of love so they push away loving people, i think maybe some people that are overly nice and kind are just needing to find likeminded people and maybe what you are saying while it is probably true for most people pleasers it may not be the case for everyone, some of us were not traumatized by fear but traumized by other emotions such as being around depressed people and thus wanting to please them to cheer them up,
See but the thing is, as a people pleaser now that i know i have to be unique to be liked, i use that for people pleasing too and it has just become this vicious cycle of using whatever I can to people please, that now it's the only way I think, it's difficult to break apart from it
People not like you for being authentic is genuinely a good feeling. Like a weird masochism because you know it’s at least better than being liked for someone you’re not.
Yes, and being authentic is how you screen people to find those you’re meant to connect with! 👌
It’s not masochism, it’s rebellion against social norms. You get a rush breaking the rules. The rule being: “we must all be civilized and nice to each other to achieve an ideal society”.
@@dawsn3Can be* a rebellion. You’re speaking too surely of it when it CAN or CAN’T be depending on the person.
Whilst I think you should always be authentic, if you’re a people pleaser, you should also be aware that you are in need of personal growth. Often people pleasers are weak, they have no power, and so are being “nice” as a safety oriented strategy.
"People not like you for being authentic is genuinely a good feeling."
It is good feeling... until you get fired from job and you no longer can pay the rent and you live in poor country where finding another job is finding mobbing and abuse.
Fear of conflict with parents, now that's a true horror story.
"Fear of conflict "
This is CBT self help crap nonsense that are brainwashing us with false explanations.
IT is not fear of conflict at all. This false explanation is hypnotizing you into victim mentality - and patriarch system is setting this hypnosis, brainwashing explanations.
In reality - there is trauma- Trauma and fear appear the same. Trauma starts due to toxic people who abuse us in child age through criticism and expecting perfectionism.
Then we have fear of expressing OUR OWN conflict. That is the only fear. And it makes a difference when we realize it is our OWN expression of conflict that trauma made us hypnotized to be afraid of talking. In poor country - we will be controlled and manipulated to shut up and never protest unfair treatment.
omfg 😭😭
Oof
I think a lot of people pleasers were raised by overt and covert narcissists. Their parent/s were easily offended or always wanted agreement and to be right. So any authentic opinions from the child would cause them to be shut down, raged at or even spanked. So they learned to be agreeable little mirrors and then anyone they respect or deem a threat they begin to people please on. Also, passive aggression is the only strategy that worked in these situations where they learned they could only attack the person passively or face the same rage and condemnation which as a child they had no way to avoid. Then as an adult it becomes maladaptive and is really hard to even notice in oneself. Also conflict itself can cause extreme anxiety and even panic attacks. Thank you for your insights and tools you're helping me out so much!!!
Well said
@@SkyHermit Thank you :)
100% true
Problem is he does not mentions abuse in his video, nor Fawning as legit survival mechanism to abuse.
I agree 💯
I absolutely need to get better at rejecting people I don’t vibe with.
I have a tendency to act nice not to hurt their feelings.
Time to step it up 💪
OMG I FINALLY DID IT! I stood up for myself at work!!! I spoke my mind pretty much the entire shift, It's all because of your videos. I hope I can keep improving from here. There was a girl who kept talking down to me and ordering me around like a dog, so on my 2nd day of work (which was today) I professionally spoke to her and told her that I don't like when I'm talked down to.
Amen praise the lord !!!
You did the right thing. I used to work with someone who did the same thing to me and wished I'd have put a stop to it sooner. Instead, I kept going out of my way to make things work and only made things worse by empowering her to treat me this way. It's silly, really. But we really do teach people how to treat us, whether we know that or not.
To master protecting your own boundaries, you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Accept all the bad feelings that come with it and be willing to work through it.
1 day ago.
You can expect backlash and backstabbing, punishment of some sort. That is the point of narcissistic abuse and coercive control.
Hopefully you’re not talking about your boss. I’ve found that, in business, there is a line you have to walk between not being a pushover and not jeopardizing your job or company. It’s a thin line.
For me, people pleasing in person is literally linked to physical safety because of my past. It’s so uncomfortable but I’m tired of resenting people & being angry with myself. So I’m working towards change 💜
This is interesting, you don’t have to answer - but how does this impact your relationship with your significant other? Do you then chase the approval of your partner?
Wondering because I’ve been flirting with a girl at work who told me she’s a people pleaser, and I picked upon these tendencies also. It’s kind of cute, but also feel as though if she constantly needed my validation it would be exhausting
It is called Fawning and it is trauma response.
Since Julien is not trauma informed at all - I am unsubscribing from his videos. BAsically he is fake.
@@ranc1977hi, even if you have trauma this can be helpfull. I find it to be true. Do you want to survive or live...big hug
@@ctymensma "this can be helpfull."
Nope. It is detrimental.
HE is shaming victims of narcissistic abuse and ACoA ACE experiences.
HE is doing incredible psychological damage to traumatized targets/ victims of abuse, the same damage like CBT and DSM and Jordan Peterson are promoting.
The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis.
(wiki)
Growing up invalidated
The thing I love about julien is that every video has value. Hes not just trying to sell to u. This video just changed my whole mood
He re-verbalizes Jordan Peterson nonsense where unfavorable Power Dynamics does not exist since he has white male genitalia that gets turned on women - so he is backed and supported by patriarch toxic system.
Honesty without kindness is brutality, kindness without honesty is manipulation
Well I have been abused by my family who conditioned me since childhood that “disobeying people with power & authority” invites retaliation in the form of silent treatment, blame game, sabotage, parents refusing to pay for education if we didn’t study what they told me to study or told me what to wear where to go how to eat. The punishment was endless fighting and screaming at home. I got bullied by my university coordinator who deliberately failed me 3time in a class and delayed the start of my thesis because I voiced my opinion about certain inflammatory topics that were discussed in class. I have never felt more alone and schicken and traumatised by being held ransom from different people. It is clear. Speak up and lose your basic rights and dignity and be lonely. Don’t speak up and continue to suffer till death. Thats how we become a people pleaser. It’s abuse.
You explained me to a T! I notice I resent people for acting a way instead of just telling them cause it makes me uncomfortable. Thank you for this, I’ve been learning to bask in the uncomfort but this is one “uncomfort” I really should be basking in!
I'm pleasing the thumbs up button as we speak.
😂🙌
Narcissists are not embarrassed by their people pleasing. So that says a lot about you.
😂😂
definitely sums up most of my life...trying to please. I've been doing it so long it's my normality, but I'd never thought of it in this way!
When you wear a mask long enough, you don’t recognise the person underneath it.
Fawning. It is not sickness nor manipulation as Julien blames us with in this video.
If someone behaves rude to you why you want his acceptance, why you want to stay with him - it's the answer to people pleasing
Yep. The alternative is Femicide, being homeless, being attacked in any shape or form.
This really made me realise things about myself that were before my eyes the whole time. People-pleaser here. Time to change that!
Thank you so much for your content. The fact that we can watch your teachings for free and get some much needed shadow work done, is truly the meaning of “being in service”. May we all find our true selves and slay the monsters in our minds to live a free and harmonious life! Just wanted to send out some gratitude and appreciation for all your content! Can’t wait for you to come to Canada ! 🍃🙏⭐️
I'm stoked I found Julian! I'm 34 n I've just started living again 🤯
You’re annoyingly blunt and accurate. Thank you 😊
I know understand the reason why I always feel dismiss with others. Thank you very much for your videos, you're saving me.
I’m afraid that I’m wasting my life. I’m afraid that there could be a happier, healthier, more fulfilled version of me
I had a big dog that was traumatized. She was the one who gave me the clue about people's pleasing and learned helplessness. I still miss her and I'm still fighting against people's pleasing and over sharing (I was continually controlled by my mother and I over explain each thing I do or say).
My dog was always scared about not being liked by other humans except me; she knew she had an unconditional mom and a bodyguard behind 😅
Ever since I came across your page its safe to say youve changed my life. Thank you Julien I am being free from this and it feels good!
Need to start taking charge of my life!
Broo I love this! I work with my clients on their authenticity thanks to you.
Reflections:
My favorite people are brutally honest (tend to be similar/same type) BUT my problem is the icy INTJ analysis, I’ve cut too deep with my honesty. I find that framing and being constructive is an important art when you’re real with people. Sensitive people tend to drop off unless they’re open/ready for it by strengthening their self-esteem as well as having a long established rapport.
BS.
You hate criticism like any other narcissist.
@@ranc1977 Attacking someone you don’t know online like this… sounds like you’re carrying a lot of pain and I feel for anyone in that position and hope you can find your resolution. What narcissist hurt you? I have a true narcissist that I grew up with and almost took my life multiple times.
The truth is, depending on the job, I always ask clients, managers/supervisors for constructive criticism, sometimes they just give me deep cutting criticism with no recourse. I’m okay with it because it’s honestly how they feel and I have something to work on. They wanted to attack but I’m not injured, thus not a victim. I try to learn from both because it makes me more effective in supporting others, hopefully making the whole better.
INTJs are notorious for being cold on the outside, yet deeply feeling on the inside I think self knowledge is really important in understanding how to be effective with individuals. That’s the nature of my comment.
@@ranc1977 wKwKwKw
This is the best video that I have watched this year ! I wonder why many other people don't embrace this concept 🙏
Thank you! Glad this video resonated with you so deeply! 🙏
warning : understanding something does not mean that you can apply it instantly in your life. if you go out right now to speak as a confident leader in front of a crowd, you won't be so confident because you lack the mandatory skills. the training in real life. Julien has been training for 15 years or more to reach this level on yotuube. so he is confident . it does not happen overnight .
a lot of intellectuals don't know how to behave arround feelers (" feelers " from the mbti theory) , wich means irrational people . feelers by definition don't behave in a rational way, but are emotional robots who react to the world. like animals. so being a people's pleaser is the only way smart guys have found to behave arround irrational people in order to be part of their irational world. - -> you the reader, would you know how to behave arround the emotional monkeys at the zoo ? no . of course not. same thing for smart people arround the stupid crowds. i am not joking. think on it for a while
Lifetime conditioning.
@@gmsi7d371
Intelligent people who are intelectuals are usually bored with common trivial interactions and they try to fake interested for not being looked as jerks.
I think Aspergers also have that problem and the same happens to people who have been isolated.
Omg just realizing so many parts of myself who ppl please. Thanks Julien for sharing. I will start to live true to myself and authentically. Its true that whenever i am with my friends, i dont feel rlly invited. Know myself with a boring personality. Now i know its because of my ppl pleasing
Great talk, I gave up trying to make people happy a while ago and much happier for it, gotta hold back sometimes though as some people can't handle the truth
What happen when our job income depends on making other people happy and then not being able to handle the truth?
What then Einsten?
I am honest about myself in a sense where I have a bubbly giddy personality but not towards others when it comes to liking the things that they like. I people please in fear of rejection as well as to get others to like me. I put up with whatever people throw at me, pretending to go along with what they say. Sure there are times where I have spoke my mind about how I have a problem with the person straight to their face. In a job setting where you work in retail, you kind of have to people please in order to get by cause you don't want to break the rules. But I believe there is a way around it and maybe getting dismissive if others want to talk about something that irks you but doing it in a way where your behavior is appropriate. "Like hey I am at work and I am trying to get stuff done that I can't talk to you about this right now." Which they should leave you alone (hopefully). But pretending to like something that they like can make them believe you're all about what they say. It doesn't hurt to be honest about what you believe in, but do it in a way where you know you can get away with it. Sure the person may not like what you have to say but it's better not to mislead them about it.
Such a brilliant explanation. I just let go of one of my regular customer today. I told them clearly why I was letting them go (condescending and overbearing). I felt a bit shit letting them know but felt really god for being honest and standing up for myself.
This is madness! Madness? This! Is! Human relationships!
This was probably the most important messages I will hear for a long time. Thanks.
For me it's the fear of hurting the other person.
I understand that!
Thank you. Your (free!) service to people has finally (actually quite a few years ago) come to a point of authenticity from your side too, Julien, and it shows. Because these perspectives and wisdoms are actually helpful. You have transcended fake self-help and so let others do too! I needed to hear this, as a life-long people pleaser.
HE is victim shaming.
@@ranc1977 I disagree.
@@kalleskit Because you people please him. :D
@@ranc1977 You're free to have that perception.
@@kalleskit I am not topic here.
Keep doing what you’re doing man! Much love
Victim shaming?
@@ranc1977 dude you have like 100 replies on a single video, it's not healthy. You need to take a shower
True I always feel annoyed at myself after people pleasing
May have to adopt you as my cool, wise older brother Julien
🙌
Brother from hell.
Julien, thanks for sharing this content. It’s absolutely outstanding. True in-depth analysis of a human, in a funny way that obliterate drama from life.
You must have been a people pleaser at some point because this describes me wayyy too accurately
All normal, healthy and friendly people are people pleasers. Otherwise - there would be no social contact, everyone would take care of their own egocentric narcissistic butt.
There is no more authentic self left! I've mastered the art of people pleasing by learning how to efficiently read other people's reactions, mimics and tone! It's the best way to survive in life without ever bumping into any problems! I get invited nearly everywhere people always wanna hang out... I HATE IT...
I'm always playing a character in any interaction with another person it's draining and I never hated anything more than myself! It doesn't help that I struggle with (on and off severe) depression.
I won't ever be happy but there shall not be one person who met me and didn't like (the character I credibly portrayed to them) me...
I guess that will be my role till the day I die, since I'm to scared of change 😅
Btw love the content! It's fun to imagine what life could be if I weren't the way I am ❤😊
I'm not scared to change. I do it so unconsciously that not doing it makes me feel like I'm working with a machine that went rusty.
I tend to do a lot of people pleasing to people I dont like (and be passive agressive) and then they end up inviting me to something. I do this on purpose but then I sometimes go to the lame persons event even if I dont want to go. To people I actually like im actual kind of real, so thats good. So I can relate to people pleasing being toxic. Its just that I use people I dont like to go to social events I otherwise wouldnt go, because I like experiencing different social settings. In the end it feels like I just shouldnt get bogged down in this though.
Awesome! Best talk on people pleasing I have seen! 🙌
So true, be selfish. Please yourself only.
15:18 WOW .....
seriously these last 20 seconds sums up all of junior high for me and what i could never figure out about why no one respected me.
just my whole life shattered in an instant :o
GREAT piece of information Julien! You rock in this video! thank you very much
Thanks!
Best video you've ever made
This is where I get stuck. I feel church makes me a resentful person bc do I have to offer my left cheek after getting slapped on the right? There is an extreme where everything is my fault instead of people who say everything is other people. Where is the balance where it is a win for both you and I?
Offering your other cheek doesn't mean having no personal boundaries or just taking it... It means NOT carrying any resentment with you and letting it "poison" you.
Jordan Peterson talks about this as well, and in one of his lectures, he essentially states that some “people pleasers” go so far down the people pleasing rabbit hole that they don’t even actually know what they want, and they can’t make decisions for themselves because they are usually always dependent on feedback from others, due to the fact that they are always trying to give others what they want
My advice to you is to take church out of the equation, and simply try to make a short list of things that are important to you day to day. You can use that list to set boundaries
Maybe exercise is very important to you. If so… set a time for your workout. Maybe you plan to go to the gym at 4 pm, four days a week. That is now a boundary
4pm on those days is your time and you are keeping that commitment to the best of your ability, and you’re not going to let anyone talk you out of it unless it is legitimately extenuating circumstances
Maybe you enjoy reading. Do the same thing. Set aside time every week to read, and during that time… that is when you read. You don’t change your plan the second that someone asks you for something. You have the boundaries where you tell others “I cant right now, I’m busy”
You get the idea. You don’t need to become totally selfish where you put yourself first in every single situation. But you do at minimum need to have a few things that are important to you, and you put up boundaries where you tell the outside world “no” during those specific times where you’re focused on your goals and interests
@@JulienHimself How we will pay our rent if we say no to mobbing and abuse at work?
Church and my parents taught me I have to sacrifice myself to please them. That ruined my life.
I consider myself spiritual but not religious.
Religions are control for the masses. Besides, I don't find a religion I identify with. I like Buddhism but even the notion of karma is used to justify unfairness and hierarchies.
@@ranc1977 I agree as not people pleasing is kinda easier said then done sometimes.
I don't know how making fun of nice ppl who are concerned about others especially because of childhood trauma and pathetic upbringing is helpful. It is an unconscious survival mechanism trying to get by because you never learned it the right way. It is authentic by the way, because you ARE like that. This guy is not helping insulting ppl that already have had a very rough life. These examples are a joke by the way, nobody talks this silly. Especially not ppl pl, they usually have developped a very high emotional intelligence and are very skillful in their articulation and interacting with others. If dominant, ruthless, ego ppl would be respectful and behave like grown ups, ppl pleasers wouldn't have such a hard time. I only pick lovely, mature ppl to be around and don't have any issues anymore. Toxic ppl in childhood and upbringing is exactly what brings up ppl pleasers. Ppl like this btw. I would completely run away or ignore. With loving, respectful harmony grown ups there is no need to fight all the time and then be proud of it. Tell others your boundaries and ask about theirs and stop being a jerk and be feel better about it. Just treat ppl how you want to be treated. ❤ That is authentic. Not this toxic, narcissistic way treating others below and needing dominance to feel worthy and normal because you are a dopamine junkie. When it comes to real life problems we go to the nice ppl. THAT is manipulation and using others. This guy has it so upside down. Guess it is the only way he found, NOT to be a ppl pl. Sad though. Hope nobody believes this, but looks for healing of childhood trauma and becomes the person they were meant to be without ending up arrogant, toxic and putting others down.
This is me. I just got owned on a project because I was trying to help too much and it backfired. Needed to hear this and need to work on myself. Couldn’t have received this video at a better time. If you have a course I can do to get better send it over. Need to get on this asap
"" need to work on myself"
And then the gaslighting starts.
You start to fix yourself - and this leads to toxic shame and self blame and self pathology.
This is why self help is extremely damaging to mental health. IT misleads us into believing that we can prevent evil people by being "strong". Evil people abuse because they are sick and abnormal - not because what we say or not say.
Been doing chores, wasn’t till the very end did I see what he was wearing and I absolutely love it 😂🤩
This is so true Sir
I always notice that the people I meet/know who are actually not very nice tend to be liked by everyone. It’s sad and it makes me feel bitter but it’s true for some valid reason. And it’s something to observe and learn from. Being nice all the time doesn’t even make people like us like we hope it does. A lot of times it makes people dislike us. We would probably be better liked if we were an asshole. That’s been my experience..
thecommon yes but do you like those asshole people that you think everyone else likes, you probably cant stand them just as i cant, i am a massive people pleaser and yet i like people pleasing type people, how is one to know what is kind, compassionate loving individual and what is a people pleasure, maybe it is jsut the personality type and in our nature to please others, and not out of fear as julien suggests, for me i think it is triggered by a sympathy, compassion and pity for others and a desire to help them, it comes off as massive people pleasing and i think it annoys people enormously, gets me ghosted and probably people see kindness and love as weakness because it doesnt register in their brain, they dont believe themselves worthy of love so they push away loving people, i think maybe people that are overly nice and kind are just needing to find likeminded people and maybe what julien is saying while it is probably true for most people pleasers it may not be the case for everyone, some of us were not traumatized by fear but traumized by other emotions such as being around depressed people and thus wanting to please them to cheer them up.
I love your videos, they are helping me
Making sure my ex was happy cause I was scared he would be sad, as he was sad a lot. Did a lot of stuff for him so he wouldn't be sad. I didn't want him to be. Then I wouldn't get what I needed back. I would sometimes do things for him in hopes he would do the same for me. Damn it was dumb.
This talk is amazing
Going through nice guy crisis 😂
REALNESS > NICENESS
Ends up as narcissism.
I can say I have not got in a fight with my best friend in years but its not because I'm a people pleaser but its because we are both in different states and only see each other maybe one time a year but when it comes to my wife I have arguments but we fix them the same day and move on in are relationship it the strongest relationship I have ever had and it feels amazing
Sometimes I feel like I don't resonance with anyone. I mean, it's not like I'm a bed person, people like me, but not more than this. And when I sow my more cringe side, then everyone is going away from me. I feel very lonely.
Growing up in NJ, I'm not familiar with passive-aggressive. We're very direct on average.
I stopped being a people pleaser when I turned 23 now people just simply don't like me at all since. I am 30 now.
Not to be douche here, but in my experience, unfortunately, "authenticity over being nice" will often get you let-go or fired from work. That's a harsh reality. The overwhelming majority of people spend most of their day in a work environment where they can't be authentic or be themselves. You are trading being nice....along with your time....for a paycheck. I suppose someone could then argue the point that "maybe your not in the right job then if you can't be authentic". But really, all professions require a certain amount niceness and kiss-assness in order to be successful, which is often under the guise of "professionalism".
I would also appreciate this presentation more if he would take off his sunglasses. I don't care if it's part of his schtick. Unless he has some visionary ailment in which wearing sunglasses indoors helps him somehow, take them off. It's rude to the people who came to see you. I would've asked him to remove his sunglasses before answering any of his questions while doing a presentation-he has valuable information that really helps people, but it's hard to take anything he says seriously based on how he dresses, and the sunglasses don't help. It's just a massive distraction.
I've seen people pleasers at the highest roles in government, it's not always a dead-end for them. Being authentic is definitely more fun and ultimately rewarding though
HITS HARD FOR ME
Ask yourself;
What is people pleasing protecting me from, what is it stopping me to experience?
I know some people like conflict... I personally don't.. Because I actually am a very real person and people don't like that... I like peace and quiet and getting along with others... It stresses me out when others start meaningless fights and arguments just for sport... So I choose to be very selective of who I am friends with
Not sure if there is a video about... Embracing conflict and actually having fun with it, especially for people who don't like conflict... It's sometimes a full time job... No thanks
Will Lookup the book live without fear thanks
Narcissists love drama but this guy is talking about not betraying yourself just to avoid conflict.
I hate conflict but being a people's pleaser have brought too many problems.
It was a coping mechanism that helped me to survive my childhood but it became maladaptive to me in society.
I'm so nice that some people believe I'm a fool. Besides, I want to be more me and less what others want me to be.
just one word: subscribed
Welcome to the channel! 🙌
Outstanding video✌️
It is filled with Jordan Peterson crap.
Quick question, is there such thing as being too empathetic?
No... However, people confuse being "too empathetic" with having a lack of boundaries.
@@JulienHimself yea I'm very empathetic.... the video of Ross from friends and his leather trousers were you said to laugh at your anxiety like you would laugh at that, I couldn't laugh at that because I felt bad for him and imagined myself in his shoes instead of the viewers. My fake friends use me as their therapist but my problem is I can't say no 😅
@@Lefty-1909 have a nice day m8
@@djebarazidan103 ty u too!! 🤍
@@Lefty-1909 Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed and well-fed.
Herman Melville (August 1, 1819 - September 28, 1891)
Chronic people pleasers tend to also be chronic betrayers.
It is because the cause of their betrayal is something, (a behaviour from someone) which they are not content with from the very initial manifestation of.
But they let that behaviour intensify and fester until they can't bear it anymore.
Then boom!
They change colours and suddenly something they were so alright with is exactly what made them distant and a stranger.
We people pleasers speak up too late.
I love your videos and I only found them yesterday!! I love the way you think and put stuff into words 🤍 I want to try and atleast calm down my social anxiety/hating myself so much and the motivation to do so has come from watching you so thank you!! 😊
I want to finally make my creative writing teacher proud and get back to writing on my journey to becoming a successful author like I've wanted since I was 5!! Also overcoming my social anxiety/getting better with it I know will also make him super happy!! 🤍
Thank you Julien!! 😊🤍
Welcome to the channel! 🙌
@@JulienHimself thank you!!
HE is misleading empaths and HSP into self blame and self pathologizing. Be aware who you listen to.
So this is what happened to Milo
Julien looks like Paul Kellerman from Prison break
I people please, I need this thanks
You needed self blame and self pathologizing?
I dont agree whit evertything, because low self worth leads to people pleaser tendency, so the part of being manipulate, or gettin mad is not always true, the person may feel a lot of guilt and low self value when is bad treated
great video
Thanks!
Here's the thing with people pleasing for me. It's a way to fake effort when you are either too tired to talk and process more information because you've already overloaded yourself that day, or when the story is that boring that you can't help but fake an anwer that isn't: "that's boring". Would saying: "thats boring" lead the conversation moving into another area that might be more interesting? Or does it lead to a slap in the face and rejection? So ... I do take a happy medium approach to all of it for now. But I have to say, all this is making me more aware of the "trick".
This superficial white first world problem method will not work with narcissistic abuse ambient - where fawning is hatched in the first place.
When that happens to me...I get dissociated and people finds out pretty soon.
I can dissociate at will too.
I'm glad i watched this video 😊
Thanks for watching! What was your biggest takeaway?
Everything in this video reflected with me and it's time for me to change myself i guess@@JulienHimself
@@aparnakrishna5551 Yes, it is! Let me know if you'd like my help: application.julienhimself.com
Self blame and self pathologizing works in shame culture countries and that is why narcissistic abuse resonates with you.
This was me with my ex, I realize I was toxic...
Call me crazy but I like being nice to people.
He said being nice is very good when it is authentic. Faking being nice is sth people pleasers do and it is not good. I'm also a naturally kind and hepful person but this is different. Let's say: a guy comes to my table asking if he may sit with me. I don't want to but I agree and smile so he feels ok and not rejected. He is asking multiple questions I don't want to answer but I do trying to make them nice looking answers. Insists to buy me a coffee and how can I hurt his feelings to say no? Maybe he's lonely?? I say no but finally have to accept the coffee. He wants to walk me home after...... you know what I mean? Was this being nice a good thing? I hated every second of the situation and begged heavens for any help but supressed all the "no" to be nice. Because he might be lonely or so... you think this way of being nice is a good thing? Because I was this way. I finally stopped going anywhere I was so afraid someone will try to hang out with me and I'll be internally forced to accept that because I must be NICE. Staying home was much safer. Now I say no when I want to - still in a very polite and kind manner and this is a healthy "being nice I think. :)
Owww that hurts...
My wife needs this guy in her life. She just thinks I'm an asshole for telling her to think of herself once in awhile.
Point her to this video 😊
It's like being an impostor
You can't be you authentically. The world is full of selfish people, including family. The moment you put limits to anything they behave irrationally when they actually know their behavior is unreasonable. Also it's not true they don't like people who never disagrees with them. They actually do, as long as their ideas and behaviors are not questioned they are happy. No realness, no honesty just pure BS
Good 👍
All true
Glad this resonates!
Really Great video! The sacrifice part of this really clicked whit me. So crazy. Thanks Julien
You are thanking him for brainwashing and whitewashing the abuse?
Julien, how my OCD affects my inner-self, and if it affects how can I overcome it
He does not know it. HE is not trauma informed. HE is selling self help industry by self blame and self pathologizing methods.
OCD starts as need to control - which is learned in ACoA ACE ambient of criticism and perfectionism. OCD is toxic shame, we try to alter our mood through obsessions and compulsions - and Julien is leading us into OCD - that we develop PureOCD worry and self blame anything that we do as reaction to narcissistic abuse around us.
True path would be self trust and self acceptance as we are. Not blaming or shaming who we are, as Julien profess it in his video here.
Tell yourself everyday🪞
"you don't give uh fuck"
eventually you won't.
OR
Get rejected everyday
Than eventually
You won't give a damn
What people think
I like the job
Yes stop people pleasing it destroyed my relationship. His nasty friends decided to break us up LoL and he cowered in the corner hoping they wouldn't attack him. It's disgusting. Where the hell have all the real men gone?
People pleasing and car salesman tactics are not the same! There are people in the world who wish to serve others before themselves! That’s not being manipulative! Then you have people pleasers who are timid, or introverted and that’s still not manipulative!
I agree with being more confident with yourself and being a genuinely curious person, but not everyone in this world wants to be a leader or an extrovert!
Honey, take it from a fellow people pleaser, it is manipulative. Your not being genuine with your thoughts and actions as a person. It's no different that someone who talks to much to lie and hype themselves up when everything that they are saying isn't true.
You don't really have to be introverted to be a people pleaser because people pleasing comes out in different ways. I understand your defense and agree with your generalized point of view but it's literally just another form of being fake and lying to people. Still no good.
@@gangstarock2455 it may be “fake”, but what kind of world would we live in if everyone said what was on their minds? You don’t know. No one can say for certain. Maybe you have an idealized fantasy that we will all be happier because we’re free to express ourselves but I think the opposite. I think everyone would start spreading a lot more negativity and it would spread like wildfire. We are empathetic creatures, if everyone around you is miserable it’s much harder to stay happy. The way to a happier humanity is to accept your dark side and find from within a way to treat people around you with respect and kindness for the sake of humanity!
"People pleasing and car salesman tactics are not the same! There are people in the world who wish to serve others before themselves! That’s not being manipulative! Then you have people pleasers who are timid, or introverted and that’s still not manipulative! "
I am putting this on my social media.
Spot on!
@@gangstarock2455 ""a fellow people pleaser, it is manipulative."
If you manipulate other people, you are not people pleaser, you are cover narcissist.
Read his comment once again, but this will be hard for you to process, as narcissist who is living in his dream fantasy world of self delusions and mental illness.
PArt which your narcissistic sick mind is blocking is this:
" not everyone in this world wants to be a leader or an extrovert!"
@@ranc1977 People pleasing is defense mechanism caused by trauma in early childhood. Your confusing people pleasing with altruism and I agree that altruism isn't a bad thing but people pleasing is. You go along with what others want against your own interest and even sometimes safety. My people pleasing habits have lead into some actually physically dangerous situations that now I'm glad I can recognize.
Nice shirt 😄
He is dressed like he just pulled an all nighter at the club.
Wtf is his shirt. Did he shop at the dumpster store?
This can be related to social anxiety?
Can u post more videos about this topic pls how to stop pleasing people
You want more self blame and self pathologizing?
What about when you start a new job though? Don’t you kind of have to kiss ass and act nice so people don’t think your an asshole at first? I always feel like I need to do that when I start new jobs even though I hate the way I’m acting, but they don’t know my character so if I’m myself I think people will think I’m just uninterested? I’ve quit a lot of jobs because i would create a fake persona and then I’d get exhausted having to keep up with it, then I’d quit.
Who's this guy wearing dark shades in the building and an over sized Gucci tshirt
Wow!
Is this guy a satirical character?