Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
There is an ache, feeling no place in the world, no presence, feeling like your whole life is an out of body experience, not a member of any group, would rather hide than engage.
Jerry, I wrote to you through Facebook not very Long ago but I want you to know how meaningful your content is. I have attempted suicide numerous times in the past few weeks and your videos give me hope because I'm finally gaining to confidence that I can get better and that I can deal with my emotional wounds. I hope to speak with you in a Skype call soon
I have a hole spiritually and socially from my Roman Catholic tradition I left it 6 years ago and found another tradition that teaches and nourishes and encourages and most of all accepts me. I was rejected in several major ways from the Roman tradition
My hole has gotten smaller with the development of self, and then trying to take care of self. Here's my issue, I don't feel the wound anymore, I've healed toxic shame within myself as well, just the normal shame left or a lot less toxic shame. I still hate myself as a coping mechanism, anytime the world feels too overwhelming, and there's emotion I can't handle, I blame self, I get the urge to physically and mentally harm myself (luckily I havnt physically harmed myself for a long time), but the urge is there. Why do I always want to hurt myself? I'm so tired of wanting to die, suicidal ideation, and yet I've come so far, but I feel like this is seriously wrong as a coping strategy. It's like on one hand I feel disabled and unable to regulate my own emotions and cope on my own because of my alcoholic parents, yet I'm 30 yrs old and beat myself up for not being able to handle things like an adult. Life is miserable. If you can tell me anything based on this message I'd really appreciate it.
I can't believe that no one has replied to your comment in a year. Not sure I'm the best one to reply but I pray you are doing better now. You're so young and it sounds like you've come like such a long way. When I initially heard about 'the hole' he refers to in this video I immediately thought of Saint Augustine's description of the hole with this well quoted comment "Our hearts are restless until it rests in Thee, O Lord.". Do you have a relationship with God?
I feel this so acutely, deep in my soul. But there is also so much more, the hurt goes so deep. I was also abused, emotionally, sexually, and physically. The shame is never-ending and all encompassing. It's ALL come back, a thousand times stronger since my father passed, my illness came back (I lost the ability to drive due to epilepsy), and on the eve of our 22nd anniversary I learned that my husband shares a LOT in common with the men who abused me. He is no longer my safe person, I can no longer feel safe or connected to him. At times he simply disgusts me other's I long for his embrace, despite knowing that it never lasts. That it isn't what I need. That he isn't who he pretended to be, doesn't love me the way he claimed to love me. Ugh its so hard learning once again that I let my fantasies take over my life. I dreamed up a love story that was never real. It isn't entirely his fault, like I thought. Yes he lied and hid thing's, but I saw the signs and I denied them, believed it wouldn't happen to me. Thought I would be the exception, I thought I was his exception. But I never was I just accepted far less than I deserved. He expects to be loved, while never loving in return. He expects loyalty, without any loyalty in return.
My parents were not alcoholic or addicts (unless maybe you count religious addiction), but I definitely still have the hole you describe here, a hole I've never been able to fill.
Would like to speak to you, if feasible. I’ve, only recently, fell upon your channel, and I have hope for the first time in my life. I have every characteristic. I’ve even said some of the typical responses. I am grateful to know I am not alone. Still, that brick wall is getting far too close.
I laughed and then cried as Jerry described the manager in the other dept and her attempts to manage others' impressions by fabricating her... well, her life. It resonates😔 I'd like to share that I started working with Jerry yesterday and we broached the subject of impression management and other items. First meeting face to face online and will take time to vecome more acquainted,of course. Other stuff was going on for me yesterday as well and I believe i got very close to the bone, or core of my brokeness. I was able to soothe myself through it I still hurt some today yet it seems necessary to my personal evolution and recovery. Jerry is just like he is online and the meeting flowed smoothly despite the somewhat disorganized melange of feelings and thoughts which i expressed. He allowed me to express and knew when and how to reel me in. Jerry is easy to work with, just wish I had found this channel way sooner. Onward upward
@@normanpouch I don’t really do that anymore since I’ve been recovering lol. Right now I’m just single and I’m good with it but still open to a relationship if it happens. I’ve also ran right to toxic men for awhile as well, but never really stuck around for them either. But pretty much it’s fear. I think I had a fear of likely winding up trapped with an abuser and fears around getting so hurt and disappointed again. And fears about losing my identity by joining myself to another person. I did not have a good idea also of what it meant to be born female. I had a pretty dim view of the hard luck of females on earth. I had a whole lot of distorted and twisted perceptions to work through, both to do with myself as a woman and my formerly dismal ideas about men in general. I became avoidant. I had narc parents. After so much abuse and toxicity, you just get kind of gun shy I think and you tend to start thinking that your whack parental figures kind of represent what everyone else is like. It’s like I just would expect to be abused and yet I didn’t want to be abused, so I just avoided it altogether and would not take that kind of risk. At least that was the case for myself. Probably a fear of rejection as well. At least by whoever it was I wanted. I would hide from them a lot more than any other guy I didn’t have so much interest in. Just too afraid to try to love or be loved Bcuz what all I thought I knew about love was very painful and scary and unfair and one sided. I reasoned that it was just better to go it alone rather than to have to deal with all that again. I still feel a lot the same now about not ever “settling” or tolerating any kind of deal breakers etc, but I don’t have all those kinds of fears anymore and I don’t hold the same dismal outlook about men or the whole of humanity anymore. And I don’t feel that women are just “powerless creatures born to be abused and hurt by men” anymore or that all men would simply use and abuse a woman (who fully gave herself to a man) just Bcuz they could. But most def it took a lot of work on myself to get where I am now.
@@goodenoughgirl8102 Sounds like you have worked hard. Are women affected by acoa than men? Has anyone done research on it. I have been affected by two women acoa, like you have done work on myself and got help. Moving on now. Feel a lot better single. xx
@@normanpouch Yeah. Idk really. There are just so many factors that can go into it such as various personalities, level of support or a parent not staying with an abuser and finally leaving and so on. What gender the offending parent is vs the kids genders or even what age during the trauma or how long it went on or if the other parent never defends the kids or keeps them safe etc. Did they have others step in like good relatives or not? And so on. There are just so many things and it’s hard to make any kind of general statement really. Like I just know what I went through and can compare some notes with my fellow support group peeps and so on. With Narcs tho, they all seem to have the same basic playbook really and it is very damaging to any kid, male or female.
I do have one question, you mention "letting go" towards the 13 minute mark, what do you mean by letting go? I have talked with others about my trauma and they advised the same thing, but I'm not sure what this means. Thanks
That means your story makes them uncomfortable and they want you to stop telling your story. They want to relax have a beer, and sing kumbaya. Pretend we live in a wonderful world
To me LETTING GO refers to letting go of our expectations of our parents to parent, let go of the pain caused by their faulty parenting, to let go of our expectations to be healthy people. We are where we are today because we learned to survive physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. It worked for us as children it does not work for us now so let it go by learning how to give our selves those things our parents could not give us. For example love your self for all your weakness, find and name our strengths etc
We may learn from our parents how to not tolerate emotional pain and how to use substances to regulate our emotional system instead of building our emotional capacity to handle and regulate ourselves and life's struggles. In a way we inherit the 'empty hole' from our parents and their ability to handle the 'empty hole'. Self differentiation work is about healing this empty hole and learning to regulate ourselves in healthy ways.. ❤️
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
There is an ache, feeling no place in the world, no presence, feeling like your whole life is an out of body experience, not a member of any group, would rather hide than engage.
Jerry, I wrote to you through Facebook not very Long ago but I want you to know how meaningful your content is. I have attempted suicide numerous times in the past few weeks and your videos give me hope because I'm finally gaining to confidence that I can get better and that I can deal with my emotional wounds. I hope to speak with you in a Skype call soon
I have a hole spiritually and socially from my Roman Catholic tradition
I left it 6 years ago and found another tradition that teaches and nourishes and encourages and most of all accepts me. I was rejected in several major ways from the Roman tradition
That was a blessing in disguise. Congratulations🎉
My hole has gotten smaller with the development of self, and then trying to take care of self. Here's my issue, I don't feel the wound anymore, I've healed toxic shame within myself as well, just the normal shame left or a lot less toxic shame. I still hate myself as a coping mechanism, anytime the world feels too overwhelming, and there's emotion I can't handle, I blame self, I get the urge to physically and mentally harm myself (luckily I havnt physically harmed myself for a long time), but the urge is there. Why do I always want to hurt myself? I'm so tired of wanting to die, suicidal ideation, and yet I've come so far, but I feel like this is seriously wrong as a coping strategy. It's like on one hand I feel disabled and unable to regulate my own emotions and cope on my own because of my alcoholic parents, yet I'm 30 yrs old and beat myself up for not being able to handle things like an adult. Life is miserable. If you can tell me anything based on this message I'd really appreciate it.
I can't believe that no one has replied to your comment in a year. Not sure I'm the best one to reply but I pray you are doing better now. You're so young and it sounds like you've come like such a long way. When I initially heard about 'the hole' he refers to in this video I immediately thought of Saint Augustine's description of the hole with this well quoted comment "Our hearts are restless until it rests in Thee, O Lord.". Do you have a relationship with God?
I feel this so acutely, deep in my soul. But there is also so much more, the hurt goes so deep. I was also abused, emotionally, sexually, and physically. The shame is never-ending and all encompassing. It's ALL come back, a thousand times stronger since my father passed, my illness came back (I lost the ability to drive due to epilepsy), and on the eve of our 22nd anniversary I learned that my husband shares a LOT in common with the men who abused me. He is no longer my safe person, I can no longer feel safe or connected to him. At times he simply disgusts me other's I long for his embrace, despite knowing that it never lasts. That it isn't what I need. That he isn't who he pretended to be, doesn't love me the way he claimed to love me. Ugh its so hard learning once again that I let my fantasies take over my life. I dreamed up a love story that was never real. It isn't entirely his fault, like I thought. Yes he lied and hid thing's, but I saw the signs and I denied them, believed it wouldn't happen to me. Thought I would be the exception, I thought I was his exception. But I never was I just accepted far less than I deserved. He expects to be loved, while never loving in return. He expects loyalty, without any loyalty in return.
Thank you for sharing these helpful insights.
You have encouraged me to work on my past that has affected me so deeply.
Thank you Mr. Wise. You give me hope.
All that crazy and drama sounds like growing up with the narc also.
Yes it also applies to other types of dysfunctional families. My mom was a religious narc.
My parents were not alcoholic or addicts (unless maybe you count religious addiction), but I definitely still have the hole you describe here, a hole I've never been able to fill.
❤❤Love Learning from you Jerry WISE❤❤
Thank you Carol!
Would like to speak to you, if feasible. I’ve, only recently, fell upon your channel, and I have hope for the first time in my life. I have every characteristic. I’ve even said some of the typical responses. I am grateful to know I am not alone. Still, that brick wall is getting far too close.
Contact me at. Jwlearning@hotmail.com
Can you please white the authors name who mentioned "compulsive self-sufficient". I can't find noone under Path Love. Thanks
I call it the hole in the soul
💔
I laughed and then cried as Jerry described the manager in the other dept and her attempts to manage others' impressions by fabricating her... well, her life. It resonates😔
I'd like to share that I started working with Jerry yesterday and we broached the subject of impression management and other items. First meeting face to face online and will take time to vecome more acquainted,of course. Other stuff was going on for me yesterday as well and I believe i got very close to the bone, or core of my brokeness. I was able to soothe myself through it I still hurt some today yet it seems necessary to my personal evolution and recovery.
Jerry is just like he is online and the meeting flowed smoothly despite the somewhat disorganized melange of feelings and thoughts which i expressed. He allowed me to express and knew when and how to reel me in.
Jerry is easy to work with, just wish I had found this channel way sooner. Onward upward
And a food addict
OR....why do I always run away from all men and romantic relationships? Etc.
why do you please. I love an acoa. But getting nowhere.
@@normanpouch I don’t really do that anymore since I’ve been recovering lol. Right now I’m just single and I’m good with it but still open to a relationship if it happens. I’ve also ran right to toxic men for awhile as well, but never really stuck around for them either. But pretty much it’s fear. I think I had a fear of likely winding up trapped with an abuser and fears around getting so hurt and disappointed again. And fears about losing my identity by joining myself to another person. I did not have a good idea also of what it meant to be born female. I had a pretty dim view of the hard luck of females on earth. I had a whole lot of distorted and twisted perceptions to work through, both to do with myself as a woman and my formerly dismal ideas about men in general. I became avoidant. I had narc parents. After so much abuse and toxicity, you just get kind of gun shy I think and you tend to start thinking that your whack parental figures kind of represent what everyone else is like. It’s like I just would expect to be abused and yet I didn’t want to be abused, so I just avoided it altogether and would not take that kind of risk. At least that was the case for myself. Probably a fear of rejection as well. At least by whoever it was I wanted. I would hide from them a lot more than any other guy I didn’t have so much interest in. Just too afraid to try to love or be loved Bcuz what all I thought I knew about love was very painful and scary and unfair and one sided. I reasoned that it was just better to go it alone rather than to have to deal with all that again. I still feel a lot the same now about not ever “settling” or tolerating any kind of deal breakers etc, but I don’t have all those kinds of fears anymore and I don’t hold the same dismal outlook about men or the whole of humanity anymore. And I don’t feel that women are just “powerless creatures born to be abused and hurt by men” anymore or that all men would simply use and abuse a woman (who fully gave herself to a man) just Bcuz they could. But most def it took a lot of work on myself to get where I am now.
@@goodenoughgirl8102 Sounds like you have worked hard. Are women affected by acoa than men? Has anyone done research on it. I have been affected by two women acoa, like you have done work on myself and got help. Moving on now. Feel a lot better single. xx
@@normanpouch Yeah. Idk really. There are just so many factors that can go into it such as various personalities, level of support or a parent not staying with an abuser and finally leaving and so on. What gender the offending parent is vs the kids genders or even what age during the trauma or how long it went on or if the other parent never defends the kids or keeps them safe etc. Did they have others step in like good relatives or not? And so on. There are just so many things and it’s hard to make any kind of general statement really. Like I just know what I went through and can compare some notes with my fellow support group peeps and so on. With Narcs tho, they all seem to have the same basic playbook really and it is very damaging to any kid, male or female.
I do have one question, you mention "letting go" towards the 13 minute mark, what do you mean by letting go? I have talked with others about my trauma and they advised the same thing, but I'm not sure what this means. Thanks
That means your story makes them uncomfortable and they want you to stop telling your story. They want to relax have a beer, and sing kumbaya. Pretend we live in a wonderful world
To me LETTING GO refers to letting go of our expectations of our parents to parent, let go of the pain caused by their faulty parenting, to let go of our expectations to be healthy people. We are where we are today because we learned to survive physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. It worked for us as children it does not work for us now so let it go by learning how to give our selves those things our parents could not give us. For example love your self for all your weakness, find and name our strengths etc
My mother says that to me after she has invalidated or diminished me. I "just need to get over it".
Thanks a lot
Can you please do a video on how an emotionally abusive alcoholic parent can cause opiate addiction (escapist drug) in their ACOS child?
We may learn from our parents how to not tolerate emotional pain and how to use substances to regulate our emotional system instead of building our emotional capacity to handle and regulate ourselves and life's struggles.
In a way we inherit the 'empty hole' from our parents and their ability to handle the 'empty hole'.
Self differentiation work is about healing this empty hole and learning to regulate ourselves in healthy ways.. ❤️
Uuugghhhh all of this 😩
Not sure I understand Dori
@@jerrywise Everything you said is so accurate, the whole video.
That’s exactly how the X in my life got to the top...