Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
In addition to the yellow ACOA spiral workbook, our ACOA Sat am group also uses in the 2nd hour the "Laundry List" spiral workbook that explores the motivations, causes, character traits, and discussion points. I am very thankful for the step-by-step weekly progress.
Jerry, if it wasn't for I wouldn't have found ACA After 16 years in NA, hating and fighting myself I found my place in the world in ACA, I got a life there thank you for this!! God bless you!
Jerry - Love your videos especially on ACA. For the first time I have come across one of your main points in a video and really disagree with what you are advising. Point #2 blame is has been an extremely helpful emotion for me to feel in my recovery. In fact, to go from your secret #1 "Come out of denial" to facing reality to me is an almost perfect role for emotion of blame to be experienced by a former abused child ACA. I know from experience that many ACAs are in denial because the very ability to validate and feel justified and safe while experiencing the feeling of blame (and many other normal emotions that signal to a human being that boundaries are being crossed or to abusive treatment by another person) was shamed, punished, and terrorized out of the ACA as a child. I think the point you are making is more accurately stated as not getting stuck in blame. By embracing and using the action-oriented energy that is associated with the affect of blame to springboard into further reading, sharing with safe friends/therapists/Jerry Wise type folks, and maybe even getting to an ACA meeting. I think blame also allows the ACA to, for probably the first time in his life, to start to place ANY responsibility of his parents for the abusive and neglectful treatment he received as a child that the ACA had to believe was love. As the ACA enters the support and shared knowledge of trusted people I believe blame typically will give way to the emotions associated with affects associated with loss and grieving. God bless Jerry I plan on working with you one day in the future - feels good to know that there is someone out there that really understands the ACA experience.
Jerry I am willing to read books written for professionals...if you ever want to share. I live very rural and am doing self therapy. I have been self differentiating for decades, though I didn't know the word at the time. Knowing this has helped me understand family dynamics better. The bullying became so intense when something great happened in my career life, that I went no contact. It has been so painful once I understood about personality disorders, triangulation and scapegoated child. I have been doing the work but the deep sadness I carry is so hard to resolve. When it comes up, I comfort my inner child, reassure her that we are safe and I will always be here for her. I have night terrors, though they are lessening with time. Will I ever feel like a normal adult? It feels like a soul rape by the whole family...a family that should be supportive and proud of each others accomplishments. But, I have learned so much and the confusion I carried through my life has gone.
It is not difficult to follow what you are conveying. In short, I appreciate how you explain from different angles, different backgrounds, different traumas, etc. It kept my attention from start to finish.
Not sure what to do about “blame” also. Like I never asked for that crap from them-and with the narc, of course, they blamed us for their own stuff. It seems rather necessary to blame them in the sense that its just a fact and the truth about what happened. We wouldn’t even have to go there at all had they not pushed all that false blame off on us in the first place. I am thinking a big difference tho between deflecting false blame vs. blaming them-yet somebody did some really bad crap and people need to be held accountable for stuff like that. Yet is it really “blaming” them or just holding them accountable for their own behavior? To me, it’s just a fact and they hurt me when they did it and well, also blamed me exactly for what it was that they did.
I'm new to all this. I just started reading the A.C.A. red book. Tony A. The beginning. Points out Now ! Person I got the book from. Was tiet lipped about anything. I read the part on cross talk. Which I didn't know about. But I think and feel ch1 of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Is an incredible example of how to Observe your thinking and self talk. If you are troubled by a racing mind of thoughts and emotions. I was full tilt and now . I enjoy stillness. I was tested today . A family issue came up. That would send me to the moon with worry and thinking of all sorts of things. Instead I observed it , didn't resist it. No blame as talk about in this video. I stayed in control of my inner peace. Scored myself a B+ ! A being best F for fail . Before I was a -Z that's how bad I realized . I was unaware of it all. Power of Now . Helped me understand. My hope is that it will help you on your journey to peace !
So true! Thank you for watching my videos. If you would like to donate to help produce more free videos, it would be greatly appreciated. Any amounts helps us produce great videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Hi Jerry, about blaming. I read in a book that it is healthy to blame, express anger towards the alcoholic parent and then forgive. Just like you pointed out with the rubber band. Anger and frustration are just emotions but I got used to be ashamed of them if I feel them. Don't I neglect my feelings this way? In the long term, these emotions are hurtful to us that is true, but I think that for an ACOA to pass through them at least once is really important, just to express feelings
You are absolutely correct. These feelings are not BAD, nor should they be ignored, it is only the way we process them is what is important. Read Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger. Just a suggestion or Carol Tavris Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion I never want to deny real feelings of ACOA's, HOW we process the anger is what is important. I have found in my experience just sharing at anger with the parent, sibling, spouse or whomever, doesn't typically resolve it and many times can make it worse. Thank you for watching Romulus.
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems thanks for the reply and detailed explanation. I'll look up the book. A state of anger between siblings indeed won't solve the problem, sometimes it may be encountered along the road towards the other side in healing
Thanks I enjoyed the simplicity of your share regards a complex issue. I will definitely consider therapy with you as I iron out my finance. from South Africa.
It has been a little while since I watched/listened to one of your videos. It has also been awhile since I did some work on the Loving Parent Guidebook. There is something inside of me that I wait for to be ready to do that work. I will probably wait to get into a Loving Parent Group until I am completely done with working that Workbook by myself. I have been going to meetings and going to Step Group. Working Steps with Fellow Travelers, and I am in a couple different Laundry List Groups. Getting a Therapist has not been a huge priority. I was thinking about find a Therapist with EMDR training. Now maybe I will find one that does dream work or who has experience ACA work. I do agree with you about if the Therapist have not done the ACA work. I think specifically you are talking about self-differentiation. Find one who has done the work. There are plenty of Therapists in ACA and I don't seam to get along with any of them. My understanding of how you are using the word blaming and the word responsibility is if I am focused on others which is what blaming does then I am not taking responsibility for my behavior and actions. There was one other thing that I wanted to comment on but I forgot. I don't think that it was about working through stuff but I will comment on that. It is in regards to "feelings aren't facts." To be able to stand up for myself while I feel guilty and while others are trying to shame me. I do like how you don't defend yourself. So for me it is learning to stand up for myself without defending myself. I think the way you do it is by turning their attack back on them. I guess it is by recognizing it is an attack and then asking why are you doing this? The main thing is not to defend.. That will probably take me a long time to learn and I am sure that I will get lots of practice..
Jerry, thanks for the ACOA topic. Consider placing your notes onto an ipad free software prompter so you can maintain eye contact without looking to the side every other sentence. Good articulation, pacing of delivery (3 words per second), and emotional tone. Good use of gestures for explanation of abstract cognitive mediation to practice.
But I am so very angry....so angry that this deep hole exists no matter how hard I try, how loyal I am to friends and family, etc. I am so lonely...I have angrily and then very calm and lovingly confronted my parents, who live in a delusional and denial or just get over it state of mind...I see what I need to do, I just have NO IDEA or faith that I can overcome. It’s not my fault, yet I am so miserable, and it’s my responsibility to fix me from my parents. Why do I have to take ownership of THEIR mess in my horribly messed up inner self...how do I begin?
If you think of it as their mess, your parents, you won't get through it. It's like a present handed to you unwrapped. Ours to unravel unfortunately 😝🙁. Blame brings pain. I was tired of pain...hence blame. I found the crappy childhood fairy site very helpful for putting a stake in the ground and start moving on. Please check her out. Hope this helps🙏❤🐾
I guess if I was going to ask a question, I’d ask what problems did I get from my bio alcoholic father (up to age 5 with no memory) and what problems are from the narc step father (from age 8 and beyond) and what about my codependent Mom who was there the whole time? I did more research on the narc and it seems many problems are very similar-yet who’s to say the bio alco father wasn’t also a narc?
Hi Jerry, your old videos are absolutely gold but may be missed by your new subscribers.... probably you could reshare them... something like throwback Thursday.... or an old video with some additional information.. or when you end a new video, you can link a couple of old related videos for audience to check out... I have seen other UA-camrs do this.
Hi Jerry, I need to ask you or anybody else on this page a ? I finally have found myself a mental health counselar and the man's office is in his home. Should I be concerned about this? Is there a way to check on counselars as I could only find 2 reviews on him. He sounds and looks pretty nice but I worry about everything and I don't trust anybody.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
In addition to the yellow ACOA spiral workbook, our ACOA Sat am group also uses in the 2nd hour the "Laundry List" spiral workbook that explores the motivations, causes, character traits, and discussion points. I am very thankful for the step-by-step weekly progress.
Jerry, if it wasn't for I wouldn't have found ACA
After 16 years in NA, hating and fighting myself I found my place in the world in ACA, I got a life there
thank you for this!! God bless you!
Thanks for sharing
Jerry - Love your videos especially on ACA. For the first time I have come across one of your main points in a video and really disagree with what you are advising. Point #2 blame is has been an extremely helpful emotion for me to feel in my recovery. In fact, to go from your secret #1 "Come out of denial" to facing reality to me is an almost perfect role for emotion of blame to be experienced by a former abused child ACA. I know from experience that many ACAs are in denial because the very ability to validate and feel justified and safe while experiencing the feeling of blame (and many other normal emotions that signal to a human being that boundaries are being crossed or to abusive treatment by another person) was shamed, punished, and terrorized out of the ACA as a child. I think the point you are making is more accurately stated as not getting stuck in blame. By embracing and using the action-oriented energy that is associated with the affect of blame to springboard into further reading, sharing with safe friends/therapists/Jerry Wise type folks, and maybe even getting to an ACA meeting. I think blame also allows the ACA to, for probably the first time in his life, to start to place ANY responsibility of his parents for the abusive and neglectful treatment he received as a child that the ACA had to believe was love. As the ACA enters the support and shared knowledge of trusted people I believe blame typically will give way to the emotions associated with affects associated with loss and grieving. God bless Jerry I plan on working with you one day in the future - feels good to know that there is someone out there that really understands the ACA experience.
Jerry I am willing to read books written for professionals...if you ever want to share. I live very rural and am doing self therapy. I have been self differentiating for decades, though I didn't know the word at the time. Knowing this has helped me understand family dynamics better. The bullying became so intense when something great happened in my career life, that I went no contact. It has been so painful once I understood about personality disorders, triangulation and scapegoated child. I have been doing the work but the deep sadness I carry is so hard to resolve. When it comes up, I comfort my inner child, reassure her that we are safe and I will always be here for her. I have night terrors, though they are lessening with time. Will I ever feel like a normal adult? It feels like a soul rape by the whole family...a family that should be supportive and proud of each others accomplishments. But, I have learned so much and the confusion I carried through my life has gone.
I would read Treating Adult Children of Alcoholics by Stephanie Brown. Jerry Thanks for watching.
It is not difficult to follow what you are conveying. In short, I appreciate how you explain from different angles, different backgrounds, different traumas, etc. It kept my attention from start to finish.
Not sure what to do about “blame” also. Like I never asked for that crap from them-and with the narc, of course, they blamed us for their own stuff. It seems rather necessary to blame them in the sense that its just a fact and the truth about what happened. We wouldn’t even have to go there at all had they not pushed all that false blame off on us in the first place. I am thinking a big difference tho between deflecting false blame vs. blaming them-yet somebody did some really bad crap and people need to be held accountable for stuff like that. Yet is it really “blaming” them or just holding them accountable for their own behavior? To me, it’s just a fact and they hurt me when they did it and well, also blamed me exactly for what it was that they did.
I'm new to all this. I just started reading the A.C.A. red book. Tony A. The beginning. Points out Now !
Person I got the book from. Was tiet lipped about anything.
I read the part on cross talk.
Which I didn't know about.
But I think and feel ch1 of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Is an incredible example of how to Observe your thinking and self talk.
If you are troubled by a racing mind of thoughts and emotions. I was full tilt and now . I enjoy stillness. I was tested today . A family issue came up. That would send me to the moon with worry and thinking of all sorts of things. Instead I observed it , didn't resist it. No blame as talk about in this video. I stayed in control of my inner peace. Scored myself a B+ !
A being best F for fail . Before I was a -Z that's how bad I realized .
I was unaware of it all.
Power of Now . Helped me understand. My hope is that it will help you on your journey to peace !
"Self differenciation" is such a good one! Says a lot, and leads to a lot of deep questions. Thanks.
So true!
Thank you for watching my videos.
If you would like to donate to help produce more free videos, it would be greatly appreciated. Any amounts helps us produce great videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Hi Jerry, about blaming. I read in a book that it is healthy to blame, express anger towards the alcoholic parent and then forgive. Just like you pointed out with the rubber band. Anger and frustration are just emotions but I got used to be ashamed of them if I feel them. Don't I neglect my feelings this way? In the long term, these emotions are hurtful to us that is true, but I think that for an ACOA to pass through them at least once is really important, just to express feelings
You are absolutely correct. These feelings are not BAD, nor should they be ignored, it is only the way we process them is what is important. Read Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger. Just a suggestion or Carol Tavris Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion
I never want to deny real feelings of ACOA's, HOW we process the anger is what is important. I have found in my experience just sharing at anger with the parent, sibling, spouse or whomever, doesn't typically resolve it and many times can make it worse. Thank you for watching Romulus.
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems thanks for the reply and detailed explanation. I'll look up the book. A state of anger between siblings indeed won't solve the problem, sometimes it may be encountered along the road towards the other side in healing
Thanks I enjoyed the simplicity of your share regards a complex issue. I will definitely consider therapy with you as I iron out my finance. from South Africa.
I'm glad it was helpful Tracy.
you can schedule with me when you feel ready www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/book-online
It has been a little while since I watched/listened to one of your videos. It has also been awhile since I did some work on the Loving Parent Guidebook. There is something inside of me that I wait for to be ready to do that work. I will probably wait to get into a Loving Parent Group until I am completely done with working that Workbook by myself. I have been going to meetings and going to Step Group. Working Steps with Fellow Travelers, and I am in a couple different Laundry List Groups. Getting a Therapist has not been a huge priority. I was thinking about find a Therapist with EMDR training. Now maybe I will find one that does dream work or who has experience ACA work. I do agree with you about if the Therapist have not done the ACA work. I think specifically you are talking about self-differentiation. Find one who has done the work. There are plenty of Therapists in ACA and I don't seam to get along with any of them.
My understanding of how you are using the word blaming and the word responsibility is if I am focused on others which is what blaming does then I am not taking responsibility for my behavior and actions.
There was one other thing that I wanted to comment on but I forgot. I don't think that it was about working through stuff but I will comment on that. It is in regards to "feelings aren't facts." To be able to stand up for myself while I feel guilty and while others are trying to shame me. I do like how you don't defend yourself. So for me it is learning to stand up for myself without defending myself. I think the way you do it is by turning their attack back on them. I guess it is by recognizing it is an attack and then asking why are you doing this? The main thing is not to defend.. That will probably take me a long time to learn and I am sure that I will get lots of practice..
Jerry, thanks for the ACOA topic. Consider placing your notes onto an ipad free software prompter so you can maintain eye contact without looking to the side every other sentence. Good articulation, pacing of delivery (3 words per second), and emotional tone. Good use of gestures for explanation of abstract cognitive mediation to practice.
But I am so very angry....so angry that this deep hole exists no matter how hard I try, how loyal I am to friends and family, etc. I am so lonely...I have angrily and then very calm and lovingly confronted my parents, who live in a delusional and denial or just get over it state of mind...I see what I need to do, I just have NO IDEA or faith that I can overcome. It’s not my fault, yet I am so miserable, and it’s my responsibility to fix me from my parents. Why do I have to take ownership of THEIR mess in my horribly messed up inner self...how do I begin?
Lori Hughes keep sorry....me too keep educating yourself 😔
If you think of it as their mess, your parents, you won't get through it. It's like a present handed to you unwrapped. Ours to unravel unfortunately 😝🙁. Blame brings pain. I was tired of pain...hence blame. I found the crappy childhood fairy site very helpful for putting a stake in the ground and start moving on. Please check her out. Hope this helps🙏❤🐾
I guess if I was going to ask a question, I’d ask what problems did I get from my bio alcoholic father (up to age 5 with no memory) and what problems are from the narc step father (from age 8 and beyond) and what about my codependent Mom who was there the whole time? I did more research on the narc and it seems many problems are very similar-yet who’s to say the bio alco father wasn’t also a narc?
l learned something helpful from this.
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
hello people
Hi Jerry, your old videos are absolutely gold but may be missed by your new subscribers.... probably you could reshare them... something like throwback Thursday.... or an old video with some additional information.. or when you end a new video, you can link a couple of old related videos for audience to check out... I have seen other UA-camrs do this.
Thank you so much for your idea
Thank you for watching
How do I find an online Acoa 12 step group
Hi Jerry, I need to ask you or anybody else on this page a ? I finally have found myself a mental health counselar and the man's office is in his home. Should I be concerned about this? Is there a way to check on counselars as I could only find 2 reviews on him. He sounds and looks pretty nice but I worry about everything and I don't trust anybody.
Lisa S
Yes, you should be! I hope you are doing well
O