Had an experience with an FA, and had to set a deadline period as I learned from Thais videos, and am glad I did. Nothing worse then being in no mans land when the person isn't communicating or communicating the opposite of their actions, even with friendship.
As a healing FA, this is so very true. If I am interested in a person, I am all in and that person has no shadow of a doubt that I care. I am present and passionate with my thoughts and feelings about the person. If I’m not interested romantically, the stakes are MUCH lower and I am almost deliberately nonchalant about the relationship as to not lead the person on (I typically straight up tell them that I only see it as friends and that that won’t change). To anyone on the receiving end of this: you will if an FA is interested because we can’t help but show up for someone when we are
❤ just gave up on a year long pursuit. Wow, what a connection I thought I had, but she just would not choose me. She seemed to keep looking for something better. I believe we both tried like 3 times over that year. I am not saying it was a waste of time, cause I learned to pay attention to actions much more than words, plus I felt amazing being with her.
My ex DA-leaning FA was showing up “consistently” but only with the bare minimum efforts, and flaky. Felt like a drag, and he was only super expressive and interested when I was fed up and ready to break up. I ended it, wished him well. Relationships require communication, but that should result in flow and ease…not met with more flakiness. That felt manipulative.
I wonder if that’s more with DA leaning FA’s? Because both me and my FA friend only feel releif when someone back off and stop trying. Often feel guilt too, but never try to get the person back if we’re not interested. When we want someone they won’t even get to that point of wondering where we stand because we are scared to lose them
@@Heavenlycookie that’s interesting, thank you for sharing the experience. I can see how someone backing off provides some space/relief for the FA person. Mine tried to make contact after I broke it off, but nothing grand, just gestures to show they’re waiting for me to come around again. It’s an exhausting and confusing cycle where words didn’t match consistent actions, so I removed myself from it and hope one day I come across someone more emotionally evolved, practiced, and desirous of a committed partnership. I’m a DA-leaning FA as well. Growing and learning.
I’ve been there and feel you, was stuck in a cycle like that for a few years my self, he’s the reason i got to learn about attachment styles because i googled his behaviour. I’m certain your ex was attached to you but wasn’t healed enough for a relationship, otherwise he would probably felt releif with you leaving and not initiate more contact. I’m glad you got out of it so you can find someone on your level; growing and learning 😊
This is very accurate. When I’m all in, I’m in and nearly obsessed actually. I do hate to hurt feelings so I will respond or go out with someone I’m not interested but rarely initiate.
As a FA in working progress this is 100% true. You never have to wonder with us as a friend or date, if we wont to we will make it happen. I’m only dragging it out because i don’t want to hurt someone by saying the truth. This has ruined some relationships for me also because i’m thinking if someone want to see me they will put in some effort when they are busy or make sure i know they like me, when they don’t i assume they are like me and only talking to be polite so i drop them. Has later found out they actually really liked me. Deadline is such a good tip 😊
6:52 I highly advise this because I nearly made the mistake in my own case (minus that they did show more interest than talked here and it did progress once making it clear). Just go for it and do something before its too late, I nearly regretted doing that and having to say a painful good bye in the case things werent going the way I assumed or could really find a time to properly talk about this. The amount of suspense genuinely isnt worth the hassle for it to potentially blow up in your face.
I think I was an FA growing up. I’m much more secure now, and have had so much healing in my life. I want to say, as a young person, I loved it when people would reach out to me first! Either people who were more outgoing or more secure. It only took one or two interactions with that person to draw me out of myself. It’s very easy for FA’s to love and admire people from a far. But we really appreciate it when we have a couple genuine interactions with people who bring us close and try to close the gap. Don’t be afraid to try to close the gap!
Wow I’m a FA casually dating an FA and this helps a lot. He can be a bit dismissive/not ready for a serious commitment which brings out my anxious side. And then my dismissive side kicks in and starts my detaching strategies. This video has helped me realize he might be more interested in me than I gave him credit for. Thank you Thais!
As a FA (trying to become secure) I can confirm this is true. When I love I am all in and lean more AP. I was never good at telling someone I wasn’t interested. When I was young and male friends liked me I would avoid eye contact, physical touch and at times spending time with them. I wasn’t good at verbalising it as I hate conflict/ and or hurting feelings. I made it clear with my actions always.
The da I was chasing would go a week without texting me back. 1 day she hit me up at random while I was at work. I mentioned I forgot my wallet. She brought me food lol. But she is really distant and saying "oh im a bad texter." Sent her a good bye message yesterday. And stated my issues. These last 2 months were hell for me trying to talk to her. She canceled 2 dated at the last minute because she couldnt find a sitter ( she says ) i have high doubts that was the case based on information she gave me before. Been battling the thought of just letting go or keep trying. Finally let go yesterday.
It's a hard situation to evolve into a deep like of someone and for them to not be interested in a friendship with you, but it did happen to me and I absolutely am clear now that that is what happened, so although it took me time,I now have let go & moved on.
Other experts agree that avoidants may go for long periods of time without coming back, and if you confront them, they will run away as avoidants do.. They have difficulties with relationships so how would they start dating another.. Very confusing..
I have indeed used the knowledge learned at PDS to not only possibly understand what my DA ex thinks " very unique circumstances " but to give her much latitude and not have conversations. My situation turned into long distance. Our marriage was 34 years. Today I grieve for her trauma and resultant choices. She is a good person lost in trauma.
What if the FA does all of those things and more to show they are interested, but can’t express their emotions/feelings about you and suddenly leave, come back, put in the effort, leave again?
One of the most difficult concepts for me has been the fact that evidently loved ones play each other. I am recovering 60% secure and 30% AP by PDS test but it seems that my a DA x wife may have seen weakness. Tough spot since I didn't lie or mind fully play mental games. I always thanked for sex. Evidently that is a sign of weakness when I have genuine appreciation for a women allowing something so personal. Just as an example. I never consciously play people. I calmy state my position and Expected same. Thias you are a godsend.
Thanking your wife for sex? Maybe just say how amazing it was but thanking it makes it sound like it’s something she didn’t really want to do. Just a no-no
That was just an example,but I take the point. My point is that things would be so much easier if people learned to share the various issues. I feel that the content in PDS and Thias delivery is so good that I continually desire to learn more. I suppose the bottom line is the other half has to be desirous of continued effort to do same.
Oh this is so much me as a healing-FA. I thought I could do LDR but I'm not sure as I heal if that could ever be fulfilling. I could do it non-seriously but when I split attention and affections I tend to drop off the one who is less present, DA wouldn't have a chance in that dynamic. SET A DEADLINE WITH YOUR FA, Thais is 100%, FA will invest if truly interested.
Either a test to see if youre willing to still want to engage while they pull away and/or withdrawing from displaying a bit of vulnerability over expressing that they miss you. Its a really tough rope to cross because you have to give em a bit of time and tell em in the least confrontational way on why theyre pulling away or better yet tell them it doesnt sit well with you for a less judgemental statement. Doesnt help everyones different on how much space they need and how much theyll tolerate if you display any signs of annoyance.
Update: I said "I miss you too. But you're always with me, even if not with me." and she said "same. I grateful for all the growth and inspiration you brought to my life." and then apologized for how dissociative she was and that she's only realizing it now (8 months after breakup)@@gatorssbm Then she dropped off again.
Been with what i believe is a fa for 2 months now long distance. Meeting for the first time in person tomorrow. They have definitely shown me they care but how do i get them to show physical intimacy. They said it scares them but im craving jt.
Well after dating a dismissive avoident i should have ran a mile when a beautiful woman told ne on the first date she was a fearful avoident as we got into a conversation about attachment styles but we were vibeing so well and the attraction so high on both sides i didnt and now shes deciding weather to forgive me for something she didnt show up for and i stupidly told ger she was been blasay why do fa,s think its ok to cancle plans and say thell see you in a few weeks as though thats normal ? Then tell you your controlling and they owe you nothing for saying it seems like your uninterested as people make time for those they are interested in am I missing some point here?
Let us know your experience with this! Comment below:
Had an experience with an FA, and had to set a deadline period as I learned from Thais videos, and am glad I did. Nothing worse then being in no mans land when the person isn't communicating or communicating the opposite of their actions, even with friendship.
Congratulations. I did the same, it was pretty hard, but I'm relieved now that I was able to do it finally.
As a healing FA, this is so very true. If I am interested in a person, I am all in and that person has no shadow of a doubt that I care. I am present and passionate with my thoughts and feelings about the person. If I’m not interested romantically, the stakes are MUCH lower and I am almost deliberately nonchalant about the relationship as to not lead the person on (I typically straight up tell them that I only see it as friends and that that won’t change). To anyone on the receiving end of this: you will if an FA is interested because we can’t help but show up for someone when we are
I can confirm this as a healing fearful avoidant
❤
❤ just gave up on a year long pursuit. Wow, what a connection I thought I had, but she just would not choose me. She seemed to keep looking for something better. I believe we both tried like 3 times over that year. I am not saying it was a waste of time, cause I learned to pay attention to actions much more than words, plus I felt amazing being with her.
About sign 2: a constant dynamic of push/pull is in fact a consistend dynamic, because it's a pattern.
I wish this video was out back in April when I dumbly decided to enter in a relationship with a deeply FA. Now I only have the scars and trauma
Just walk away & never look back. Shalom
Another type of avoiding 🌈
@CosmicShamanC-xc9oe / self preservation
My ex DA-leaning FA was showing up “consistently” but only with the bare minimum efforts, and flaky. Felt like a drag, and he was only super expressive and interested when I was fed up and ready to break up. I ended it, wished him well. Relationships require communication, but that should result in flow and ease…not met with more flakiness. That felt manipulative.
I wonder if that’s more with DA leaning FA’s? Because both me and my FA friend only feel releif when someone back off and stop trying. Often feel guilt too, but never try to get the person back if we’re not interested. When we want someone they won’t even get to that point of wondering where we stand because we are scared to lose them
@@Heavenlycookie that’s interesting, thank you for sharing the experience. I can see how someone backing off provides some space/relief for the FA person. Mine tried to make contact after I broke it off, but nothing grand, just gestures to show they’re waiting for me to come around again. It’s an exhausting and confusing cycle where words didn’t match consistent actions, so I removed myself from it and hope one day I come across someone more emotionally evolved, practiced, and desirous of a committed partnership. I’m a DA-leaning FA as well. Growing and learning.
I’ve been there and feel you, was stuck in a cycle like that for a few years my self, he’s the reason i got to learn about attachment styles because i googled his behaviour. I’m certain your ex was attached to you but wasn’t healed enough for a relationship, otherwise he would probably felt releif with you leaving and not initiate more contact. I’m glad you got out of it so you can find someone on your level; growing and learning 😊
@@Heavenlycookie thank you so much for the kind words, Marlena. And same for you 🙏🏼
I'm a FA who is very upfront about what I'm looking for. If there's any confusion, it's not coming from my end. At least I hope not.
This is very accurate. When I’m all in, I’m in and nearly obsessed actually. I do hate to hurt feelings so I will respond or go out with someone I’m not interested but rarely initiate.
As a FA in working progress this is 100% true. You never have to wonder with us as a friend or date, if we wont to we will make it happen. I’m only dragging it out because i don’t want to hurt someone by saying the truth. This has ruined some relationships for me also because i’m thinking if someone want to see me they will put in some effort when they are busy or make sure i know they like me, when they don’t i assume they are like me and only talking to be polite so i drop them. Has later found out they actually really liked me. Deadline is such a good tip 😊
6:52 I highly advise this because I nearly made the mistake in my own case (minus that they did show more interest than talked here and it did progress once making it clear). Just go for it and do something before its too late, I nearly regretted doing that and having to say a painful good bye in the case things werent going the way I assumed or could really find a time to properly talk about this. The amount of suspense genuinely isnt worth the hassle for it to potentially blow up in your face.
I think I was an FA growing up. I’m much more secure now, and have had so much healing in my life. I want to say, as a young person, I loved it when people would reach out to me first! Either people who were more outgoing or more secure. It only took one or two interactions with that person to draw me out of myself. It’s very easy for FA’s to love and admire people from a far. But we really appreciate it when we have a couple genuine interactions with people who bring us close and try to close the gap. Don’t be afraid to try to close the gap!
Wow I’m a FA casually dating an FA and this helps a lot. He can be a bit dismissive/not ready for a serious commitment which brings out my anxious side. And then my dismissive side kicks in and starts my detaching strategies. This video has helped me realize he might be more interested in me than I gave him credit for. Thank you Thais!
As a FA (trying to become secure) I can confirm this is true. When I love I am all in and lean more AP. I was never good at telling someone I wasn’t interested. When I was young and male friends liked me I would avoid eye contact, physical touch and at times spending time with them. I wasn’t good at verbalising it as I hate conflict/ and or hurting feelings. I made it clear with my actions always.
The da I was chasing would go a week without texting me back. 1 day she hit me up at random while I was at work. I mentioned I forgot my wallet. She brought me food lol. But she is really distant and saying "oh im a bad texter." Sent her a good bye message yesterday. And stated my issues. These last 2 months were hell for me trying to talk to her. She canceled 2 dated at the last minute because she couldnt find a sitter ( she says ) i have high doubts that was the case based on information she gave me before. Been battling the thought of just letting go or keep trying. Finally let go yesterday.
It's a hard situation to evolve into a deep like of someone and for them to not be interested in a friendship with you, but it did happen to me and I absolutely am clear now that that is what happened, so although it took me time,I now have let go & moved on.
What to do? You walk away- you deserve someone who is sure about you.
Other experts agree that avoidants may go for long periods of time without coming back, and if you confront them, they will run away as avoidants do..
They have difficulties with relationships so how would they start dating another.. Very confusing..
I have indeed used the knowledge learned at PDS to not only possibly understand what my DA ex thinks " very unique circumstances " but to give her much latitude and not have conversations. My situation turned into long distance. Our marriage was 34 years. Today I grieve for her trauma and resultant choices. She is a good person lost in trauma.
Great video and I knew she would talk about the deadline!!
❤
What if the FA does all of those things and more to show they are interested, but can’t express their emotions/feelings about you and suddenly leave, come back, put in the effort, leave again?
To me, it sounds like you might be describing a dismissive avoidant more than a fearful avoidant
Spot on with the texting! Usually around half a day if I’m busy. 🥰 only days if it’s friendship oriented
One of the most difficult concepts for me has been the fact that evidently loved ones play each other. I am recovering 60% secure and 30% AP by PDS test but it seems that my a DA x wife may have seen weakness. Tough spot since I didn't lie or mind fully play mental games. I always thanked for sex. Evidently that is a sign of weakness when I have genuine appreciation for a women allowing something so personal. Just as an example. I never consciously play people. I calmy state my position and Expected same. Thias you are a godsend.
Thanking your wife for sex? Maybe just say how amazing it was but thanking it makes it sound like it’s something she didn’t really want to do. Just a no-no
That was just an example,but I take the point. My point is that things would be so much easier if people learned to share the various issues. I feel that the content in PDS and Thias delivery is so good that I continually desire to learn more. I suppose the bottom line is the other half has to be desirous of continued effort to do same.
Oh this is so much me as a healing-FA. I thought I could do LDR but I'm not sure as I heal if that could ever be fulfilling. I could do it non-seriously but when I split attention and affections I tend to drop off the one who is less present, DA wouldn't have a chance in that dynamic. SET A DEADLINE WITH YOUR FA, Thais is 100%, FA will invest if truly interested.
They wont sleep with you and take your kindness, then sleep with your mate😂
💯 Thank you once again
❤
Spot on. Thank you!
you're welcome!!
What if my FA ex recently said, "your voice note makes me miss you. it's an acute feeling." and then drops off again?? I'm confused.
Either a test to see if youre willing to still want to engage while they pull away and/or withdrawing from displaying a bit of vulnerability over expressing that they miss you. Its a really tough rope to cross because you have to give em a bit of time and tell em in the least confrontational way on why theyre pulling away or better yet tell them it doesnt sit well with you for a less judgemental statement. Doesnt help everyones different on how much space they need and how much theyll tolerate if you display any signs of annoyance.
Update: I said "I miss you too. But you're always with me, even if not with me." and she said "same. I grateful for all the growth and inspiration you brought to my life." and then apologized for how dissociative she was and that she's only realizing it now (8 months after breakup)@@gatorssbm Then she dropped off again.
Actions over words, if they dropped off again they’re not that interested, sorry. Someone else will be.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n amen, you said it.
Thank you ❤
Is it typical for them to initiate plans then cancel?
He told ke im seriously more than important to him what foes this mean
Been with what i believe is a fa for 2 months now long distance. Meeting for the first time in person tomorrow. They have definitely shown me they care but how do i get them to show physical intimacy. They said it scares them but im craving jt.
Well after dating a dismissive avoident i should have ran a mile when a beautiful woman told ne on the first date she was a fearful avoident as we got into a conversation about attachment styles but we were vibeing so well and the attraction so high on both sides i didnt and now shes deciding weather to forgive me for something she didnt show up for and i stupidly told ger she was been blasay why do fa,s think its ok to cancle plans and say thell see you in a few weeks as though thats normal ? Then tell you your controlling and they owe you nothing for saying it seems like your uninterested as people make time for those they are interested in am I missing some point here?
All good until avoidant start ghosting you.
❤❤❤