My Alcoholic Husband Blames Me for His Problems
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- Опубліковано 12 вер 2024
- My Alcoholic Husband Blames Me for His Problems
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I am literally begging women to stop calling bad men good fathers. A drunk is NOT a good father.
💯
Infuriating
She’s broken, too. What do you expect?
Yeah my father was constantly drunk. It definitely affected me seeing the multiple bottles of wine he would drink a day.
Not even mentioning the fact that he drove drunk multiple times with me in the car…
He’s literally objectively not a good father she is so brainwashed
If someone is abusive, and blaming me for all their problems, I would help them out by relieving them of the stresses of me and say...✌🏽
💯
Easier said than done
@@MichelePernerBlum Agreed. I'm not saying it would be easy, but what I will not do is allow myself to be abused and blamed for someone else's issues. I would have to set some boundaries and either some change happens or I'm out.✌🏽
I'm a firm believer that people treat you how you allow them to.
You say that as a person who’s probably never experienced this type of abuse…..
Sometimes it's hard.
As a child of an alcoholic father, I will say: this guy is not a great father. He is far from it. Those kids are going to bear the scars of his abuse for decades, and those scars are only going to get deeper the longer they live with him.
My immediate thought as well as a child of an alcoholic father.
These type of parents are unbelievably damaging, it doesn’t take direct obvious abuse to damage and hurt a child when you’re a drunk. Screws with your entire perspective of what a relationship should be.
Yup and being around drunks will feel normal and acceptable to them. Society needs to stop normalizing being a full blown drunk. These people are dangerous to themselves and others! Weed should be fully legal and alcohol use should be heavily monitored!
Any man who abuses Mom is a bad father.
“He’s a good father.” NO HE IS NOT. But I don’t think she is ready to divorce him. She is holding out for a miracle that isn’t going to happen.
I had an ex husband that just wanted to blame everyone else for his problems. Divorced him and refused contact with him. My life is SO MUCH BETTER NOW!!
Eh, I don’t believe you. I think deep down inside you crave jerks like that, like most women.
That’s what alcoholics do. My father is a former alcoholic blamed me and my mother for all his problems. He was physically and mentally abusive. He is sober now, However after 35 years of being sober he continues to blame others for his problems… I have severed ties with him…
Stopping drinking didn't make him not a narcissist!!!😂😂😂
@@ineedhoez True and not at all funny.
So it's not the alcohol, your dad is just an innately awful person
Classic gaslighting. I went through it with an alcoholic girlfriend. And it worked on me for years. She would cheat..it was my fault..she lost her job..it was my fault...She used drugs...it was my fault. And I was so absorbed in the world I would be like "well....damn..maybe it is my fault"? I started therapy and ii helped me see reality and end it. Wasted many years and ending it was hard, but worth it.
@ivans3778addiction doesn't care what gender you are.
@@vivianworden True, as is narcissistic abuse, too, and it seems often mixed.
I was married to a alcoholic covert narcissist, and they eventually will blame you and your children as the reason they drink... They cannot handle responsibility and their relationship with alcohol, so eventually they deeply resent their family for requiring basic things of them such as providing, parenting, or any effort towards a healthy marriage. She must separate. They do like to live in a vague space where they can keep their alcohol and not loose anything for it, which means they must place all blame on others.
@@charitypetry576 Yes, it is brainwashing where the codependent (even if otherwise well-functioning) is meant to start to loose her/his moorings and the reality gets unreal and the accusations are looming large and will color the perception of life and self. It is dangerous. Self-depleting. I'm so glad you are free now! You did great to defy the blaming! All the best!
@danielrn133 I am so sorry to hear that. That is the exact opposite of what a girlfriend should do. I really hope that you find someone who will support you, make you happy and stay by your side. I am glad you went to therapy and know that it was not your fault. It entirely her choice to do those things. People will say oh it’s your fault I cheated but she made that choice, it is not on you at all.
Not even just a woman, if someone has done something wrong, just admit it and try to move past that. If you can’t acknowledge your faults then how can you fix them?…
Best thing I ever did was quit drinking!
I was with an alcoholic for a few years. I put a firm boundary in place that there was going to be no alcohol in our home, which greatly limited how much he drank. Guess what? He didn’t bring alcohol into our home, but he resented me the whole time. This woman’s husband didn’t WANT to stop drinking. He only did it because he felt backed into a corner and now he resents her for that. Deep down he is still in denial, probably thinks he doesn’t actually have a drinking problem, and is blaming her for all of their marriage problems. WALK AWAY!
Kudos to you! I think you mean RUN! lololol
Yep, and she buys into it. She described him as having "issues" with drinking.
The issue is caused by the man's entitlement and attitude towards his intimate partner. The blame game is just a symptom of it.
I grew up in an abusive environment where I was always in a fearful state of mind, not knowing when an outburst could occur. I ended up suffering from Complex PTSD.
I hear ya! My “dad” was a mean drunk. Then I married one because I thought mean drunks were normal.
I was married to an addict for seven years. Everything was my fault, he relapsed it was my fault. They pick fights to have a reason to drink or take drugs. I left and never looked back. The divorce is almost finalized and I couldn’t be more relieved. Save yourself, save your children. You’ll look back and ask yourself why you didn’t leave sooner. It seems scary but you’ll thank yourself and so will your children. Good luck I know how it can be.
It’s totally your fault. You STAYED WITH HIM. 🤦🏼♂️
@@mikenelson8377 You do what you can when you’re married. Thanks for the judgement.
I believe alcoholics look for reasons to drink.
They are negative selfish anxious people
I agree
Oh you're not gonna believe this but I had a married couple who were friends of mine who are both passed away. She was overweight and he was an alcoholic and he blamed his alcoholism on her being overweight and she blamed her being overweight on his alcoholism you have to take care of yourself you can't let these addicts and alcoholics ruin your life because they will they will crash the car they will get fired they will end up in jail I seen it in my own personal family
Or drunkards are just plain EVIL
Ok, you have a reason. That doesn’t mean you need to become verbally or physically abusive.
It's not just her verbal fry that's annoying. Good fathers don't subject their children to abuse. Good men don't subject their wives to abuse. She needs to leave.
Yes, I mentioned the vocal fry too, it's really like nails on a chalkboard. 😬. Please make it stop. I'd probably start drinking too.😮
It’s totally her fault. She’s putting up with it and actually defended him. She LOVES jerks, like most women.
She'll be so much happier when she leaves. Leave, keep your children safe, go to therapy and heal so you don't enter another relationship like this again.
Thank you, John...good fathers do not get drunk and hit their kid in the head.
Also, she needs to get a grip for those kids if not for herself.
You should never EVER blame the victim ‼️‼️💯
First step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.. I know because I was an alcoholic also.. I pray he gets the help he needs, and I hope you do too 🙏🏼 set boundaries...
She has a classic sign of abused women in that she comes for help with the question "How can I get him to....."
She's been conditioned to believe that if she just tries hard enough or does the correct step, it'll get better. Also, when he does wrong it's "We are really working on our relationship...." This is how women find it hard to get away, the belief is so deep that it's them who needs to fix the situation and that only "bad" women give up on their men.
My alcoholic ex was out of control. Someone has to set boundaries. He “accused “ me of giving him an ultimatum. I told his he could call it whatever he’d wanted. Do this or I’m moving out. After the grief, my only regret was waiting so long. I have so much joy and peace. And a great husband and family.
They'll use any words, big or small, faul or serene, whatever words works for them to trick the codependent into compliance.
@@DNA350ppm so true.
How was divorce process and feeling and coping before and after?
@@daniellamoreno3616 ok. I just sat down. Haha. I did go to an addiction counselor initially. I read Alanon (spelling that wrong) book as well as Dr Henry Cloud’s Boundaries, which I think everyone needs. Especially if we’ve been involved with an alcoholic and or substance abuser. Also “codependent no more.” I separated in 1990. I delved into all the “self help” information I could find. I felt like even though I wasn’t the addict, I participated in the relationship. So I needed to learn why I did and choose to live differently.
The separation was difficult. Then I realized how much peace I had. The peace was profound. I ended up literally moving to “the other side of the tracks” and was so much happier than in the big beautiful house with contention and pain. I came to realize within six months that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life without (gulp) children than in that relationship. For me, my then husband was declining and didn’t really care about salvaging the marriage. I went to a divorce website where they supplied the paperwork for us to fill out. I demanded he do the work, then realized that the reason we were divorcing was bc he would NEVER do the work. He required me to pay 40% (after my negotiation) of the debt he took out against my will to pay for (um you fill in the nefarious acts) for him to sign. So I did.
During the separation, I got a spiral notebook and wrote in stream of consciousness fashion all of my thoughts and feeling. Many of which I wouldn’t be allowed to share with him bc of his dysfunction. I slowly and rather poorly returned to the dating scene. I caught on quickly and learned my value. Learned to establish boundaries with a mediocre relationship. By the time I accepted I wouldn’t find a good enough man and to live my life to be my best self, I met an amazing man and married him after making him prove himself for a year. Timeline: 28 when separate/divorced. 32 when married my amazing husband. The calendar adds a year there from separation to marriage. Did I answer what you asked? My heart goes out to those in that situation.
There's always an ultimatum, unspoken or openly repeated - if you'll treat me unkindly, I will not stay.
That is the contract between to adult, free people.
You've done great, Cheesygal - I'm happy to read your words and of your experience here. You made my day, and more! All the best!
It’s him he’s just looking for someone to blame for his problems. It’s hard for someone to admit he can’t drink like a normal human.
As the child of an abusive father and a passive mother, her kids will resent her for the rest of their lives for her weakness in this situation. They’ll pity her, but they’ll never love her or respect her like in a healthy relationship.
It’s the fact of “why didn’t you protect me from him”. In my case I was the one who had to protect my mother.
It’s the mothers job who should protect the child, not a 8 year old. If you can get out it is much better on the child’s mental health. This whole two parent home only works if it is a somewhat good one
🎯
Typical abuser and as a daughter of an alcoholic who was also abusive to my mother & me he's not a good father. When I grew up I realized how terrible he was I was just too young to notice.
This is why women should always be able to earn a living and have the ability to leave. I have always worked.
I always worked to. 2 and 3 jobs for multiple years at a time. Along with years of suppressed childhood trauma, and my constant health failing, I have been in a SS Disability case for almost 3 years now. I'm unable to work so I have no money or place to go. I don't have family to turn to. I really don't want to leave. My heart and soul are breaking. But I can't continue to take blame for everything and his drinking. I truly want us to be happy but I know at this stage it's fairy tail. But I can't leave my kid without shelter
Lady, a man who hits his kid in the head is an ABUSER. Get them out now! 🙁
Is it possible she's "controlling" because with him drunk and checked out, somebody's got to take care of things?
Of course - he counts on her to give hime the perfect reason for drinking or being angry - he counts on her to walk on eggshells, to fix the appearances of the whole marriage and family, to give him the feeling that he is in charge and that she owes him... etc etc etc
Is it possible you were dropped as a child?
Exactly. Who else is going to run things while he's out getting drunk.
Great words Dr. D. The enabler is the sicker than the alcoholic because they allow this to continue. Best thing is to leave and let them fall.
I’m a recovered alcoholic and I was abusing my family. I realized that one day and since that day I stopped because I didn’t want to hurt my family anymore.
That is called narcissism.
Narcissists don’t change
Evil.
Just so she knows, as a person who grew up with an alcoholic father who was abusive throughout my whole childhood, I blame both my parents equally.
My father never owned up to his problems or abuse and always blames other people or circumstances and I just find it pathetic and cowardly. He's seen sober for over 10 years now but their relationship with me is already damaged. I blame my mother for allowing the abuse to go on for years and not protecting her kids from him. I know she's a victim too but it's hard to sympathize and forgive them for years of abuse and years of enabling the abuse.
It's been 15 years since I moved out and I barely talk to my parents. It's hard to respect understand, and love them to this day.
Father's aren't to blame for everything. Mothers should remove their kids from households like this no matter what. As a mother myself, I blame her for not fighting for us and not being strong for us.
Run and don't look back! Good fathers don't get drunk and beat their kids! If it happened once, it can happen again!
That's what drunkards do - blame others (wife, mailman, meter-maid, cop, bill clerk ...) for the problems they themselves create.
“Questions of physical but nothing I ever saw”. Parents like this always make me super angry! She is protecting a man that abused her child by insinuating that her child is lying. It’s so sad when I see parents who throw their children under the bus like that!
Off the title; then I'd say, "I believe you. Out of respect for your opinion, I'll get myself and our kids out of the way of your better life. Thank you. Appreciate your honesty. Hope you can respect the space we're taking on your behalf. If we love you better from afar, so be it. We need the kids to be safe and healthy, so we are willing to distance ourselves for as long as it takes."
The drinking is the big elephant in the room. Amanda was treading so carefully around the subject of her husband's drinking. I was married to an alcoholic and I went to Al-Anon upon my husband's doctor's advice. I gave my husband an ultimatum that he check into a hospital and quit drinking or I would leave and file for divorce. I went to Al-Anon for a year and a half. He went into the hospital, but he left before he was supposed to. He appeared sober for about 5 months, but then it started all over again. So I left. Unfortunately, he never quit drinking and it eventually killed him. Sometimes, you have to walk away and your life will get better. P.S. He and I remained friends for the rest of his life and I was at his side when he died in the hospital. He just wouldn't/ couldn't get the monkey off his back.
I said for years my alcoholic husband is a good father.
I am so ashamed; he has caused so much damage are children and me. He is a terrible dad.
Unfortunately the world doesn’t protect women and children.
It just makes up names and excuses for mens behaviour.
It used to be shameful to be an alcoholic know we told to feel sorry for them.
John nailed it this time. This is exactly how it was in our home.
This was exactly my dad. My sister, mother and I have been no contact for almost a decade now and he still drinks himself silly, but we are all happy and doing really well now. The type of guy who would loose his mind at spilt milk, litterally happened all the time.
Dump him and move on!
The question is why stay with someone who treats you and your kids like that? Why not leave and find some peace in your life?
If you haven’t been there it’s hard to wrap your mind around it. She needs support.
She is addicted. Trauma bonds are a form of chemical addiction. She isn't healthy either.
@@Feliciations That’s exactly right. I was there. Alcohol and addiction makes the other person sick as well. Also, we don’t know what her childhood looks like. It’s a hell of place to be I don’t wish it on anyone.
I’m in a similar boat and I had separated from my husband for a good year in a few months I just recently had gotten back with him. he was verbally abusive to me and blame me for his drinking Thanks God but yeah.
I’ve done some counseling as well, and it really does help a lot. Trust me and having good support around you and just listening to videos to uplift your mind and body because it really is like you’re going crazy almost in a way!! I forgot who I was I was no longer happy. I was miserable and people can tell!!😢 all I can say is I wish the best for you and I pray he gets the help that he needs and if you decide to work it out and if you don’t decide to work it out let you get some good support around you!!
@@raspberrykissable Yes!!! Support is very much needed. The things said when drunk to keep you from leaving include anything that hurts, anything to press your selfesteem and selfconfidence to the lowest low. It is like brainwashing. A woman with children already feels vulnerable because she cares so much about them. The addict might predict that she will not get a job, nor a house, nor any support, and that nobody will believe her. He himself might collect evidence behind her back (of her being unstable and hysterical and unfit to be a parent, after provokation, naturally). To other people he might be convincing, when he is sober. The addiction is however always worse than it looks like. She needs support and a secret plan to slip away. And of course never drink with him. Just stop it and "be a bore", among any nasty word. Escaping as soon as possible is the key - he is not truthfull nor reliable.
She divorcing him is by the way the best thing she might do for him, it might make him change just to redeem himself in the eyes of other people, to make her look bad. There is no limit to have crooked their thinking and acting is. So no pity for him as an addiction and no bad conscience for filing for divorce!
There are other groups out there too, but this is the one that I was involved with and in combination with counseling. The thing about Al Anon groups is that you have a group of people who will support you and that you can call on a daily basis as needed or maybe 2 am.........a counselor gives you 45 minute on a weekly basis or so, at a prescribed time and it is the tip of the iceberg. You will learn how to set boundaries and such...........
My dad was an alcoholic and my mom blamed all of their problems on that. She'd always say, "If he would just stop drinking we could have a normal/happy marriage." I told her over and over that she was looking for a scapegoat because she couldn't accept that the drinking was just a symptom of his overall dysfunction.
He finally quit drinking 40 years into their marriage and guess what. He was still the same highly dysfunctional person only without a beer in his hand. He started counseling as part and parcel of quitting drinking and was clinically diagnosed as a narcissist (I'd also bet money that he's, if not a full-blown sociopath, definitely has the tendencies).
They have been separated for almost 15 years and she still can't fully expel him out of her mental and emotional spaces. It's like she's still surprised over and over again that he can be the way he is. IE He does something underhanded and mean just to hurt her and she's always, "How could somebody DO that to somebody else?"
It bothers me because even though she's SO much happier without him and will never reconcile, she still allows herself to expend mental and emotional energy on him (anything from wondering about his general state of health to what his latest *business venture* (get rich quick scheme) might be). I just want her to know what it's like to have a life fully free from him, in every way, even if for just a little while.
Co-dependence. She's still living his life, so she doesn't have to live her own.
As long as an addict deflects responsabilty there is no recovery chance, for the children sake, leave.
I needed to hear this. I thought I was the only one going thru this. Also I truly thought I was crazy that I’m overreacting and that I’m being mean to him.
Please just leave asap. The only regret you may have is that you didn’t do it sooner.
There is no gray area here, the right choice is very clear. Don’t entertain the idea that it’s your fault he drinks, that is very ungrateful that despite you tolerating and still being there, he wants to blame you for his irresponsible and shameful behavior. You are probably one of the only couple of people that has still been caring for him to this point. You deserve better, please seek a better life for yourself and your children. 💖
Alcohol is pure evil.
💯
No person ever said alcohol made my life better
Sadly I had to divorce my husband because of this.
Same here...best decision I've made in my life.
@@SaystheTruth3 Well done!
Good for you! No regrets I hope, because you deserved to thrive - it will turn to the best when you fulfill the direction! Be brave!
There's nothing sad about that. You did the right thing. Sadly, he chose alcohol over having a good marriage.
This guy sounds like my alcoholic narcissistic father. It is impossible to ever move forward with someone like that, they are incapable of accepting any responsibility for their own actions. Therapy will only be weaponized against you.
An alcoholic parent can also never be a good parent. Kids growing up with a raging drunk in their house is unbelievably damaging to a young mind.
Alcohol seems to be such a problem for relationships today. My relationship broke up in part to his excessive drinking.
I have a friend staying with me atm who broke up with her ex, also in part due to his drinking, but also the violent abuse her metes out when he's drunk.
It's just a relationship killer.
Been here. It never changes. Get out! I had to press charges. Domestic violence has to stop!
she sounds like me in my last relationship, he was uninterested and mean and everything was my fault 'because it was'
Daughter of an alcoholic. My mother stayed for the endless cheating, emotional and verbal @bu$e. It took a toll on her health and I grew up believing that marriage meant misery. I never married. Children watch and listen to what parents model.
😢
That's too bad to hear, dear but don't let the selfish and irresponsible decisions and actions of another person hinder you from experiencing true love. God bless.
@@samuelzulu9731 Easier said than done, alas.
His Self-control, her self-worth, and clarity of their communications.
Poor kids, stuck in the middle.
So many women call to say how great their husbands or boyfriends are, then proceed to tell the awful things they've done. He can't be a great father if he gets drunk, then hits your kids. He's an awful father, and you are being a terrible mother by allowing your kids around this abusive man.
Those poor children. Being failed by both parents. 💔
If your therapist does not understand addiction, you will get nowhere. He’s just avoiding the subject so he doesn’t have to deal with his addiction. I left my alcoholic and he is still drinking 20 years later, even though he continuously blamed me for it. I’m not anywhere near him and he’s still drinking. I hope Amanda packed up the kids and left. It is not worth it. 💔 No
He’s seeking connection through a bottle . He doesn’t know that his actions push people away so he blames this family for not meeting his needs. I’m in a similar boat.
Why stay to be the scapegoat - that's not your reason to be here on earth. Follow Your Bliss!
You're still rationalising his behaviour. He knows perfectly well that his drinking pushes people away, and then, because he's basically a narcissist and heavily manipulative, he says his family's failing him. So selfish!
@@vaska1999 first step is admitting you have a problem and once you know better, you do better.
@@rebeccaoprea9917 But he doesn't have a problem, you see. As long as you're there to be his unpaid maid, unpaid nanny for his children, and his cook, in addition to being his emotional punching bag, where's the problem?
Also, please be careful with that assumption that "once you know better, you do better". For the vast majority of addicts, nothing could be further from the truth.
Remorse is not an apology or an open door to reconciliation
Your home *should* feel like your home. You've tried too long, if it doesn't change. If it doesn't change it will not change. The addict doesn't want to change. He wants you to change. If you become his submissive servant and enabler, he hasn't any pressure to change. He sees no need for him to change. He resists the demand that he changes, because he only sees that you should change. So do provide change - he counts in true abusive fashion, on you never to change, for you to stay put, be nagging, miserable, blaming, controlling (choose the adjective), and provide him eternally with a perfect reason to be angry/drinking/irresponsible and then you'll take care of the rest of the house, family, economy, kinship, whatever he has assigned as your duty to to.
You are addicted to some thought about the promise you've given him as you married and moved together and got kids. You are addicted to the thought that kids need parents who stay married come what may. You are addicted to the thought that you are not one to give up. You are addicted to the thought that maybe the kids will not thrive if they just have a single mother to raise them. You are addicted to the thought that you are not entitled to a good life after divorce, though divorce is granted to you in law.
Replace these thoughts with better, sober thoughts, not influenced by crooked thinking, but very clear thoughts which nobody can "tilt". It is OK to want a divorce for good reasons, years of not thriving is a good reason among many others in you case, a marriage that does not promote the best in you, is a marriage to leave behind. Kids don't need parents to stay married - they need at least one well-functioning person, who seriously takes on the duties and reliable loving relationship of one caring adult. (One who's mind is not constantly occupied with the terror of addiction.) Don't give up on being the best parent you yourself might be, keep working towards the circumstnces which make it possible for you to do your best and take pride in it. You will not give up on your values and ideals - you'll stay decent, honest, kind, organized, reliable, caring, lovable - you'll be like a shore of cliffs against which the ocean of chaos is powerless, you'll stay true to your core. This will teach the children how to manage in life with confidence and determination. A great start to get adult with confidence.
In the 90's the male students at an engineering university in Sweden were asked who the person was, that they admired the most - and the majority told that it was their mother, whether or not married, or divorced, or always single. You can be such a mother. You can do it - be that good example, let that thought be your beacon. Addiction and its consequences is only there to dim the light, steal the energy, and make everybody wobbly and dizzy in the head and stomach. Get clearity and peace into your heart and own home, that's the greatest gift to help your kids survive and thrive. New thought: trust in their healthy, strong, and creative core - give that core as nearly 100% of your energy and determination as you can. Find out the means and communicate this clear direction to them. Let the father be responsible what he does and gives - but keep the distance to his tricks. One cannot be soft on addiction. The bucket full of addiction handed over to you will not be handed over to the children, too - you can stop it, with the holy strength of a mother. If there are ups and downs, let them feel your determination. You can do it, and no crap!
Addiction in a relationship IS an abusive relationship.
I don't even have to listen to this. You can just read the title and answer, of course he does
"They say I have a drinking problem, but I have no problem drinking at all."
I learned the hard way that it's never a good idea to do couples therapy with an abuser. It's far better to go to therapy alone. Doing so helped me climb out of an abusive marriage.
Yes. If the other person doesn't want to be there it's hindering your progress.
Addicts never take responsibility
Problem is in this dysfunctional dynamic of abuse and addiction no one is in control or have any control but the addict abuser because they cause chaos and lack accountability everyone in home is working around the chaos just in survival mode. She may try to exert some sort of stability or demands for a better home life but it's not controlling and even if she does handle or have more control over some things it's because someone has to and that false control she has is just again surviving and maneuvering through and around the chaos and eggshells
I have pleaded with my husband for years to stop drinking. And because he is a functioning alcoholic who is the bread winner he stops then his pride rises up and he’s back at it. We have 2 small children but I have no family, no money of my own ( it’s “his” money )and no resources. And I’m afraid to leave because I have spent years falling under his ideas. I’m trying to gain independence and leave. I’ve applied for jobs and reached out to organizations but no real help yet Any suggestions?
I’m an Internet stranger with no suggestions, but I’m praying for you❤
It's easier to blame others than himself for the issues he needs to improve.
as difficult as it is no other choice as to leave. we are in denial and love is blind. we hope and hope and miracle doesn't come 😢.
Address Codependency Doc. Huge community/resources/information of healing for them.
As well FAWNING is a trauma resoonse, classic codependency.
Disgusted that woman is told being more available for sex would relieve domestic violence
That was my father. The excuse he gave.
I didn’t understand it as a child why he would stay up screaming at me and my mom just for that. Sleepless nights. He was really scary especially when I was younger. I still cry every time I think about him. I am not even sure how to get over it. I haven’t even seen him in 3ish years
Yeah, that's appalling.
Women stay because they feel between a rock & hard place ,if they don’t have the finances or support to leave, especially with children involved, my experience family turned on me for leaving my husband had them all convinced there was something wrong with me. Even though they all know he drinks they didn’t live with the constant drinking and wanting to argue daily . There was no physical abuse verbal and abandonment from alcohol as he was never present in his drunkenness
If they knew he drinks, there's something very much wrong with them.
Nah just leave hun.
My alcoholic husband and I separated 6 years ago after 37 years of marriage, I’m much happier now, what I needed was peace and serenity.
One of Al-Anon slogans--3C, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control and there is no cure.
We did the separation several times he just stayed drunk with his friends
She needs to get out of denial and set boundaries
The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says that anger is the alcoholic's biggest offender. No lie! If your husband wants to get better it's one day at a time. If not y'all gotta send him packing with rules carved in stone about the kids and his drinking in their presence.
Honestly, I’ve listened to multiple episodes of this podcast today… every single episode is filled with “main character syndrome” sufferer’s. Literally the ENTIRE world is suffering from this.
"No, that's true," she says, oh so casually.4:20. Geezus, mom. We're talking about your kids being battered. Would you display this nonchalance if a neighbor did that to your kids, not even as a regular pattern,but just once?
She keeps dismissively saying "i know" to EVERY thing. No, she doesn't. She's completely out to lunch. I wanna call cps on her!!
That is Classic for an alcoholic spouse…
he threatened to leave, he threatened to stay. Everything is a threat, unless he pays
My dad hit me lots of times. Of course I deserved it everytime.
😢
One day at a time... You will find the courage to make whatever decision is right.
Some people don’t realize that the absolute classic abuser goes through cycles of sweet loving to monster that blames others. Leave with the kids and whatever he does after that is on him. He failed he got a second chance and now it’s over. God can be his companion now because he lost his family. Every guy gets angry sometimes. A real loser resorts to abuse. I’d never turn on my kids and wife they are the world to me. Things will be so much clearer when you guys are away from his poison long enough.
I'm dealing with this now. My boyfriend told me last week in front of my grown daughter that I am the reason he drinks to much. Such a stab in the heart.
Are you still with him? How many times does he have to show you what a POS he is before you show him the door, block him, and go totally no connection?
An alcoholic will always find a reason to drink, and it's always someone else and what they've done/said/even thought but never vocalized. Staying with an abusive man that takes it out on the kids will put your children's lives in danger, not to mention their mental health.
LEAVE.
Of course he is going to blame her. That’s what drunks do. I was the cause of alllll my ex husband’s problems - he had no clue he brought them in himself. It was daily torment and divorcing his azz was the best thing I ever did. Now, he has a neurological condition and he is a shut in. That’s what happens when you abuse alcohol and drugs for most of your life.
This marriage needs to end
I just wanted you ma’am not to dance around the conversation…
You know what to do… we just find it difficult to do! Think about your children and do it!
I was this woman's kid. And my mom didn't leave. I am 41 now. I am not okay. If you are a mom like mine, like this woman, reading this? LEAVE. It is an awful thing to fear your dad coming home. To run and hide. What time will he be home? Who will he be when he does? Will they fight? Will he throw things? Will he face plant in the kitchen again? Fall down the stairs? I am not safe here. What about tomorrow? How hungover will he be? Will he go through my drawers to steal my allowance again? How safe will I be then when the hangover hits and the rage comes? Will he call my mom a fat pig again today? Will he accuse me of stealing money because he doesn't remember giving it to me drunk? Will he threaten her with CPS? Will he slap me across the face the moment before I walk out the door to go on my first date? I don't want to live with him. I want to die. I don't want this life. I just want to feel safe. Death feels safest.
Those were my thoughts, and MANY of them started before middle school. 18 years of this.
I was TERRIFIED. What do you think growing up like that does to a growing brain? To a developing nervous system? All that cortisol pumping in your veins. All that adrenaline. FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS. What might it do to your identity? To your ability to believe that you are worthy of love? To your sense of self? The voice in my head? It speaks to me how my dad spoke to us kids and my mom. It is insanely verbally abusive because that's what my father was. The outcome as an adult? I have spent well over $50k on therapy and experimental treatment because I will be battling treatment resistant depression every second of the rest of my life because MY MOM COULDN'T FIND THE WILL TO LEAVE. And she could have. Friends offered. Family. She could have called in a favor.
But she stayed.
So for you kid's future mental health, don't be my mom. Don't fucking stay.
This woman is in so much denial, starting with her claim that a man who gets drunk and hits his child is a good father. Maybe even worse than that is her attempt to deny it and hedge around the fact her husband hit her son on the head: she didn't see it herself, so maybe her son is lying and it never happened! She'll end up alienating her own children, who are already aware that she's not really willing to protect them. What a tragedy in the making.
This is difficult to listen to 😞
Gross. Alcohol is so bad- it makes people so impossibly emotional- on and off of the juice!
Alcoholics are masters of the art of being victims.
let him get with someone else and it will b the same
Dr. D. did not ask her if she thought her husband was still drinking? IMO he was still drinking, he was hiding it. I hope she kept safe.
She making excuses to stay by saying he is a “good father”. No he isn’t - he is teaching his kids that this is a “normal” way to live, and SHE is teaching the kids that putting up with that type of crap is normal!
I'm not sure why, but Dr. John seemed to somewhat lob a softball into the situation. She could be the biggest nag this side of the Mississippi, but that gives him no right to in any way harm her, and especially their child. Only when he fully deals with his alcoholism and anger will he be fit to be a husband and a father. I'm glad the Dr. brought up coming up with an ultimatum, even though the husband gets to have one, as well. I hope she gets enough strength to implement one, then follow through. If he keeps bringing excuses, then maybe the separation should be a bit longer. Unless and until he admits responsibility for his wrongdoing, it's only going to get worse. I hope this call was enough to wake this wife up. No separation or divorce is easy, but living with an alcoholic abuser is worse. Praying for all involved.
Once you understand that alcoholism is a disease, you can treat the alcoholic, the alcoholism and those effected by their alcoholism with twelve step work, God and service instead of nagging, threats and co-dependency. Pray for this woman. ✝️🚫🥃
Why Does He Do That? Inside Angry And Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This book will help.
I really like the shorter clips
Master manipulator with an addiction. Run girl run! Love yourself and your kids! Save yourself. Your wasting time - life is short. You cant save him or change him .... B brave!
That croaky vocal fry voice. Stop it!
just don’t listen then…🤨