Memory and dementia: Moving a mom with dementia
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- Опубліковано 21 жов 2024
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.) Every Sunday, I share a video to help you in your dementia caregiving journey.
In today’s video, I’m chat with the amazing Holly. She is caring for her mom with dementia. Here her story, the challenges, and how she's coping in today's video. Be sure to leave her with some words of support.
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Thank you, Dr. Natali, for letting me share my story! Just an update…my mom is back at her MC Facility and has been doing much better. I’m thankful for the doctors who worked with her to find the right medication to help…and for her MCFacility staff who are working toward better understanding and responses.
Best news ever!! Thank you for the update 😀
Keep up the great work! Many blessings for your family 🥰
You are gem , you have helped me tremendously,you have helped people so much thank you for providing hope and options for care givers!
Great news Holly!!! 😊 Continued prayers for you and Mom!!! 🙏
Thank you so much for your bravery and candor in sharing your story, Holly. Dr.Natali did a thorough and compassionate job drawing out the details. It’s so helpful to know I am not alone in this journey.
What a brave and caring lady you are to share openly the reality of the journey you & yours are traveling at this point & time in your mom’s life. 🙏💖🩸✝️🩸💖🙏
A mother daughter bond is priceless ‼️
I have just found your site and this is exactly what I needed ...WOW !... I am Moms caregiver...she is 93..she moved in with me a year ago..she has vascular dementia.. this has been the most challenging time of my life ..it's good to get some answers...Thank you
This interview/story is so helpful. My Mom is moving to assisted living in two days. We (my brother) moved her up to NH from Florida in June of 2019. she wasn't very willing but she wasn't eating, and not able to manage her finances and she was still driving. Her neighbors were helping her manage her finances, feeding her dinner every night and talso old us she wasn't a safe driver. They were also trying ton convince her she needed to let us move her so we could care for her. My brother had to forcefully take her car away. She isn't an easy person to get along with to begin with. Always been one to pick fights and argue with family and friends, It hasn't been easy having her live with me, and add dementia to her already combative personality just compounds matters. We hope and pray she won't become that way with the staff where she is moving to. It is a very hard for us who want to honor and care for her no matter what kind of parent she was.
Holly you are doing a great job caring and honoring your mother.
One of the most comforting things when I watch these teaching video’s is how normal my feelings and struggles are. When I heard Holly say when thoughts sneak back in the middle of the night and torture her! Oh my, been there, know that! Second guessing my decisions, bingo again! And the amount of stress, weight gain, yup, be strong, so strong you ignore the stress you are under, no time for me right now, I will deal with this when it’s over. (Probably not wise). And I totally agree the worst is I can’t fix this. I CAN’T FIX IT….. and “the outcome is not ideal,” that’s an understatement…. I want my mom back. All of it, spot on. Thank you both for sharing this, as always it is invaluable. ❤️❤️❤️. In two hours I am moving my mom today from assisted living to full blown memory care. I will take all this with me….. bless you.
Thank you. How is your mom doing after her move?
Holly - The whole concept of second guessing our decisions is HUGE! I didn’t even realize that I’m doing that constantly! .. Along with CONSTANTLY thinking about mom and worrying that I need to be doing MORE! As Dr Natali said - There is no “GOOD OUTCOME” in this journey. Such a painful realization.
Loosing our JOY is huge! Living a diminished for ourselves does not bring a higher quality of life for our loved ones. I feel a responsibility to HONOR my parents with my best love and care too. It’s a God-given tenant. At least that’s always been at my core and nothing will change that belief. How I can manifest the best reality for my parents is certainly the question that overshadows my life. It’s painful and absolutely the biggest emotional challenge.
I shall pray that you will keep up the fight using your faith and family and friends. Blessings and prayers Holly. Blessings to Dr Natali for helping share these stories and keeping us strong! ☀️♥️☀️
Thank you for sharing your story! I moved my mom to memory care the day after thanksgiving after she had a stroke and a vascular dementia diagnosis, and she is constantly calling and texting me to get her out, that she is fine and over it, etc. she’s so angry and has no awareness of her deficits whatsoever, which makes it so much harder. I’m so thankful I found this channel! I could totally relate when you said you were struggling to enjoy your life when you knew your mom wasn’t enjoying hers. I feel that exactly…
It’s taken me a long time to understand that I’m thinking how my mom WOULD feel in her “before-dementia” mind…the reality is that she is living in the moment and not as unhappy as I think. The moments of agitation are caused by her dementia, not unhappiness.
If your moms phone is one you provide, you might consider removing it once she cannot manage it alone. Those moments of agitation will pass as she seeks out something else to do and you will be spared the constant attempts to mollify her. ❤️
Thank you for sharing.
My mom's doctor seemed rather disinterested in her also ( as she's 97 I guess he didn't see much point in diagnosis beyond the office "10 Questions" none of which my mom answered correctly. My dad (also had dementia) had an aggressive outburst when he was in the hospital for pneumonia. They overmedicated him (according to psychiatrist) which made worse and he was sent to a psy unit hospital in a city 200 miles away. It was a big mess and he was finally sent to a dementia ward to die. All of this made me distrustful of the system. Mom lives with me. She's mostly easy going but gets upset if I have too many activities that are my idea. Biggest issue is she never wants to bath. One day at a time!
Holly, I relate so much with your story of your relationship with your mom. I know I'm "bossy" with my mother. I'm glad we've found Dr. Natali's community of Careblazers to support each other. All the best to you!
Thank you for sharing your story. This is so similar to mom’s situation and the experiences I have had as caregiver and supporter. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone in this journey. There have been times when it has felt like that and that is so discouraging and you are just trying to do your best. Again, thanks for sharing!
Hi Holly, thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone. I've been through many of the same things that you are dealing with. My mom's journey with dementia is over now but I miss her every day. I am still burdened with guilt over the decisions I made but appreciate Dr. Natali's thoughts that we make the best decision that we are able to, with the information we have, at that point in time. That's all we can do. I wish you peace of mind and self forgiveness for not being perfect.❤️
Holly, Thank you for sharing. While my mom is in an earlier phase, your story and struggles resonate with me so much. You are a kind daughter who wants the best quality of life for your mom and your family. And with Covid, we made the best decisions at the time in this unprecedented situation. We cannot review these decisions with hindsight
Wow! This is so close to my situation with my Mom. Thank you! I'm my mom's caregiver. She's still in her home. But all this is so heartbreaking.
Thank you for these videos because any advice helps and knowing we are not alone dealing with these issues is a Godsend. Keeping our faith strong and combined in prayer we all will survive this. Thank you for sharing your story...God bless you 🙏🙏
This was one of the most honest heart warming Love for a mother that has Dementia stories I have heard for you it was the right choice do not beat yourself up or feel guilty Thank you for sharing your story and my thoughts and Prayers are with you ..again thank you Holly ..
I want to thank you Holly for sharing your story about your Mom. You are so very calm and I hope you are confident with your decisions. I hope to take better care of myself and my family so that I can do better for my Mom. I haven't been able to do that. Thank you for recommending counseling. I am planning to try that too. I am wishing you and your Mom the very best.
Holly- You made a great point about the need to have the diagnosis on her chart so that if she went into the hospital they would know her needs! It must be so frustrating to have a doctor who wasn’t willing to put SOMETHING on her chart! At least my Mom’s doctor started with “mild cognitive decline” to start with! I’m gonna be letting my Mom’s dr know that I appreciate him and his team for their support through this process!
Thank you for sharing your story! I’ve been caring for people with dementia for the better part of 30 years. Your story is completely familiar. Your mother is so blessed to have you watching over her while she struggles with this horrid disease. God bless you!
Holly's story resonated so loudly with me! The only difference in out journeys, that I saw was that that my mother is selfish and doesn't care about my needs. But Holly's faith and journey is so similar with mine and I gleaned SO MUCH from what she shared. Thank you, Dr, Natali, for sharing her story with us!
Amazing video! Thank you
This was such a great video as I saw myself in some of the things Holly was experiencing that I now have with my husband. You can see she is in a painful dilemma with her mom and I hope her mom got to stay in the same facility. It would really help us caregivers if you had follow-up videos with your guests.
Wow, Holly is very inspirational. What a smart, loving person!
What a wonderful interview. Thank you so much. It does take more than one person to care for a loved one and every family has a different situation. 💜❤️
I relate so much with Holly’s testimony! You are not alone in this journey. So many of us walk this path, you get to decide the left or the right when we come to the Y in the path. Just remember they all lead to the same destination. Have no guilt in your choices, do what is best for Mom and You!!! I know my parents who I care for 24/7 think I’m bossy too. I know I am, but decisions need to be made and they need to be taken care of. (I only have so many hours in the day. Lol) I’m sending prayers that your Mom will be better and able to be placed back where she was. 🙏🙏🙏
Hugs and prayers for you Holly as you continue this journey! 🤗🙏🤗🙏🤗🙏🤗
This resonates so much with my situation. My mum was showing signs of dementia for over 5 years before she was finally diagnosed in August of this year. Every major situation that has occurred over the years has been like hitting the fast forward button for her but especially after she suffered a hip and wrist fracture. As it stands now, I’m the sole support she has and I’m really struggling to deal with the constant arguments about her thinking someone is taking money from her bank accounts. Here in the UK there’s a 6-8 month wait for power of attorney being granted, due to a covid backlog, and it’s so difficult trying to get the bank on your side without it. So every time my mum goes into the bank and tells them someone’s taking money from her account, they cancel her card and we’re back to square one, even though it’s noted on her account 🤷♀️ The constant stress is killing me! I’m terrified at what the future holds for both of us. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I KNOW I’m not the ideal person for later stages of dementia but I fear I may not have a choice because the local authority care options are crippled with huge waiting lists for everything.
Thank you for this. It's good to know we are not alone. COVID certainly changed things and presented new challenges.
Hi, I just wanted to say you have an amazing channel ❤! I watch your videos all the time. I've learned so much. It is great to see people care about the elderly. In my grandmothers nursing home, someone told me people (i don't know who, this person won't give any names) become caregivers for their relatives because they found out the government pays them. The thing is they don't actually come take care of them. In other words, they did it for money. So sad. I love to see videos like this with caregivers, like Holly. Great video!
Hearing that my decisions are NOT responsible for disease progression is very helpful. I have family members who blame my Dad's declining health on my medical decisions, which is very painful. (They did NOT want to take over as medical power of attorney however, when I asked if they wanted me to give them medical POA, since they did not trust my judgement.)
Thank you for sharing your story.
I could relate to Holly’s situation as to her mom’s dementia. Here is Canada no one gets turned away from PCH as the amount of rent paid is dependent on your particular income. If someone needs to go to another facility due to behavioural issues then they can go there when a bed opens up and are on a wait list of course. A point I noticed is that the GP (family Drs) aren’t always equipped with enough dementia knowledge to when to declare incompetency. For POA for example. Once Home care is required then a case worker is assigned. She keeps track of all issues and works with the GP as well. That is good. After many years of very difficult situations, the Homecare case worker came for reg home visits where the reality of moms severity became obvious. Then mom was “panelled” for PCH. There is often a long wait and most often they go to another hospital in the province designated for the “wait” to get into PCH. This happened to my dad…and it was the most sad times of both my life & dads. We travelled 1 hour each way for 3 months. Finally a bed opened up for him in our home town. Taking care of my parents at my home was never an option as I am ill myself. What a journey this is…❤
The fallacy of “talk to your doctor” has been the single most absurd aspect of my caregiver journey. Circa January 2021, my dad’s PC told me “he’s fine, he drives and doesn’t want to go to a psychiatrist.” Fast forward 9 months and he is happily living in a memory care facility, but only after a health crisis that sent him to hospital, countless more “doctors” who continued the same not helpful trope - talk to your primary care. Only after a friend, not any of the many physicians, recommended evaluation at a memory clinic did I finally get the help my dad and I needed. The horrible part is that the caregiver needs this psychiatric evaluation to do anything legally, even if you have the proper POA, surrogacy and other documents already in place. If I had one wish it would be to dispel our society’s universal denial of the necessity of psychology and psychiatry as part of your healthcare; primary cares routinely recommend specialists for physical ailments, but ignore their lack of expertise with mental health issues, choosing rather to sweep their patients’s needs under the rug to their great detriment.
I wake up in the early morning hours worrying about my mom having clear or cloudy urine. Having a UTI is so hard for all of us in her group of caregivers. I can’t sleep worrying that I missed something the six days I helped with her care. Then I feel guilty needing that day to disconnect.
Geez, does this ring true--not getting the help and cooperation from the loved ones primary care physician--I am dealing with this right now. His nurse did not return my call when I called about Mom experiencing alarming (to me) hallucinations.
Holly you are so sweet
Have you tried CBD oil for aggressive behavior? It helps my mum a lot. She is at home with me and dad. We decided this was best for her....she put her family first,above everything else and now it's our time to put her first. She did the same with her mum and hopefully the next generation will do the same.But we are southern European and this is what most of us do.
It is true that the culture we come from, and our individual family cultures, influence and impact our decisions for our LOWD. As do the unique circumstances we find ourselves in…our season of life, our other family commitments (husband, children, etc.), our family resources (whether we have siblings and extended family for help and support), and so many other factors (work, caregiver health, finances, location and LTC options, and, of course, our individual LOWD’s unique dementia progression).
God bless you as you care for your mum!
My spouse was diagnosed this past summer with dementia. He is moderate dementia. I have watched your videos and am finding them very helpful. My issue now is trying to get him to bathe. The last full shower he took was 9/7! I have asked him in many ways to please take a shower, even offering to stand at the shower of he feels unsafe. He says that he will shower but he has not as yet. I ended up getting him large disposal washcloths and he says he is using them but I am not sure if he is using them everyday. He has not washed his hair at all. Any suggestions on what to do and if anyone else has run into this problem....I am out of ideas.☹️
If the facility has the rule to only allow caregivers or CNA during covid-like situation, it only takes 8 hrs training to become a caregiver, and about 10 weeks to take a CNA class and get state certification. The facility asking for a sitter is ridiculous when that is just a caregiver job with 8 hours training. They should've just told the family how easy it is to become a caregiver. Only highschool education is required.
How can I find your Pinterest scriptures ?
It sounds like Holly’s mom knew something wasn’t right early on and she moved to be closer to her daughter and her husband so she could get help.
I haven’t seen the whole video but get your loved one tested for dementia as when it come to going to full time care that person would need to be I’m a memory center and it is 100% tax deductible . It is best for the person with the illness as they are equipped to deal with memory issues where assisted living is not. For example people with dementia have hallucinations and frequently wander off. They need to be I’m a controlled environment.
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Kind of scary that some memory care places can't do a proper job!!
I found a phone for my mother. ' I'm about to send her a Raz mobile phone for dementia it only has pictures of her family and friends up to 30 and allowed number like doctors without a call picture for her to call all other calls are blocked and I have control of it online. all 911 calls go thur a redirected dispatcher flagged as dementia and the nurse on duty, my sister and myself will be texted. She has a gps on the phone. I can't wait for her to be able to talk to the world.
To others, they look fine, so the doctor doesn't recognize it and it makes things harder
Well, my siblings went to the doctor to convince him our parent had Alzheimer's, and even though our parent scored 27 out of 30 on the mini-mental status exam (which was NOT developed to be used for diagnostic purposes, yet was the only testing done ... and no assessment regarding other causes for not getting a perfect score), they convinced the doctor to say he wants our parent to remain in Assisted Living. It can be done (although personally, I am against it for people like my parent who can and are only happy living at home).
They will not take Alzheimer’s/Dementia patients here in Nevada in assisted living . They must go into memory care.