Disengaging as a Step Mum for your Wellbeing
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- Опубліковано 26 гру 2024
- Step Family Q & A continues.
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It took me less than 6 months from moving in together as a blended family to fully disengage!!! The best decision ever!!!!!
How did you disengage, living together? Please tell us your story 🙏🏻
I’m so glad I’m choosing disengagement. I’ll be so glad when the child is an adult and out of my house!
I thought the same, but even as an adult stepchild, they’re still comes so much stress and struggles😢
I know your advice is for everyone, but it especially meaningful for me as a Black woman to see a Black woman giving advice on this subject. Often we hear "i wouldn't raise anyone else's kids" blah blah from the Black community and to see this is very meaningful for those of us who have taken on that role. Thank you.
I’ve seen more step mothers in the black community than anywhere else. Black women are often expected to take on the role of caretaker as soon as they end up with a man.
He uses her as a mother for his children to avoid doing more of the work, from what I’ve seen.
Disengagement has saved my sanity!!!!
I listened to this again and have decided to slowly but surely disengage. Being a step parent is mentally and emotionally challenging and if you try too hard it will have you questioning yourself. Especially when the child doesn't have any intentions on respecting you and your spouse is torn between the two.
Amazing advise. I’m slowing disengaging from my stepsons life. I have tried everything with him but he always does the opposite. I try to give him advise in order to become a great young man but it has been useless. I’ve been on top on his education and he just doesn’t care he rather be making videos on Tik Tok. I have handled his teachers complaints about him and honestly I’ve tried everything. It might sound selfish but for my own sanity I rather disengage. I rather save my energy for the day I have my own children.
I’m going through the same thing with both my step kids. I told my husband being a step mom makes me unhappy. And the house being a constant mess when they are home absolutely drives me crazy. My husband is the problem too. Tell your damn kids to clean!! Check them when they disrespect you. I just don’t have the energy anymore. Definitely over it!
@@Mrs.Perdomo I’m still there for my stepson if he ever needs my help but I have completely disengaged. Believe me it was the best choice for me. I rather save my energy for my kids if I ever have in the future. It was draining me trying to help him and he always gave me that “ I don’t care attitude”. I can tell you mentally I’m feeling a whole lot better.
See, First of all, it's NOT your job to make sure he is a great young man thats the Job of MOM! (Bio Mom).
@@Mrs.Perdomo What did you think you signed up for? For everything to just be peaches and cream?! Like tf, stepmoms need to learn that they DO NOT take MOM'S (aka Mama Bear's) place!!
@@gabbysambienceofrivers4813 I’m not trying to take anybody’s place. We all live under one roof and as the woman of the home I have standards of how I need things to be kept up. And she doesn’t done anything for 3 years including NOT calling. Not my business but if I’m literally doing everything I feel like I’ve already earned an option and am allow to say my peace.
I was way too hands on in my marriage and it destroyed us. Now with my new partner, I have nothing to do with his parenting.
I agree. The way I deal with it is patience and self care. You don’t have to spend your entire day with the kids because the dad has them that weekend. Go get your nails done while they are watching tv. Put your self care as a priority. Also, even if you have money you do not have to spend you money on the kids all the time, tell them you don’t have it. You’re the step parent right ? You do not have to lock yourself away because the kids don’t like you. You are the queen of that house hold. Let the dad pay for the kids sometimes and don’t give your last because it’s not your responsibility. Do not try to be their mom. Just be there and love them as your own. When they are rude, do not reward them for bad behavior. You know how a child can be rude but when they need something they act nice? Well what you can do it reverse the energy without treating them bad. What you do is when they want a snack do not get that for them. Tell them to ask daddy. If the child is young, they understand talk to them as if they are old enough to know not like a baby. Keep it real. Say, “ I know I’m not your mom but I am still you’re step mommy, I care about you. But I’m going need you to have some respect okay because it’s not fair that you want me to buy you a snack but you ignore me, do you want me to ignore you when you want me to buy you a snack?” If you ignore me then I will ignore you too and not buy you a snack. It’s important that we treat eachother right that’s not nice baby”
Talk to the child maturely without getting mad this is an opportunity to teach them and train them to be what you want them to be you have the control.
My step kids are all adults and have been since I have known them. They disliked me from the second they met me (not hyperbole), didn’t know me at all, and have treated me with a cold shoulder or disrespect constantly.
Nothing I have done has changed their behavior.
I am not disengaging, I am rejecting them at this point, and honestly, I couldn’t feel more relief and more at ease with this decision.
It’s been nine years , my husband stands behind me with this decision.
I want him to have a relationship with them, but they are not welcomed here.
Their kids are welcomed, but only if my husband is here, because it has already been passed down to them as well.
The grandkids and I do get along very well, but I get reminders that I’m not their grandma…I just get used like I am.
Their biological grandma died over a decade before their father and I got together, so she is in no way the reason why these adults act this way. The reason is because of their relationship and issues with their father, and I am the scapegoat.
No more!
Step families suck!
Our story is similar, being a Step Parent is stressful.
I am a second wife with 5 stepchildren for 30 years. The youngest was nice, the oldest 20. Now they are 39 to 50 years old. As the years passed it got worse. Problems you just can't not imagine from a vicious ex wife, to the younger 3 kids as addicts for over 20 years, one in a religious cult and one in a marriage with its own problems, 2 of the 6 grandkids in and out of foster homes.....it's been a nightmare.....and it continues. No it doesn't get better. I have just recently removed myself from this emotionally. I have tried with understanding, generosity, patience and sympathy, support and trust. None of this works. My husband is amazing, he does the best he can with all of this but it is HIS family that cause conflict. Mind you.....I have no kids of my own. So here I am at 68 years old, my husband 78 with adult children still headline news in this family drama. We have moved away from them but the chaos and problems always surface. I refuse to get involved. I'll save myself the sanity I have left by not getting involved. If I could do it all over again, I would sacrafice the love I have for my husband and would have walked away 30 years ago. Either way, it's not easy.
Well said.
Being the scapegoat is hard. I only just realised after 12 years of marriage that I am the scapegoat. Everything is my fault.
That behavior in sons r from their unloved mother
I just told my husband that I do not give a shit about his kids and it's okay because they don't give a shit about me. He can go do things with them, but I will not join. Because not only do they alienate me, they have ALWAYS alienated my daughter who is 10 yrs younger than them. I'm not trying anymore and honestly, if that means I get divorced, I guess that's what happens. Because I can take the hate and hurt. I WILL NOT watch them do that to my daughter.
I agree that disengaging is healthy for your mental well-being as a step mom. I set boundaries, and I stopped feeling guilty about it because some people will try to make you feel bad about doing what is best for your mental sanity.
Great advice. If only I'd had this advice years ago! My stepson has dominated my life in the last 11 years. I tried to fix all the problems caused by his parents. Nobody in either of his families were on the same page as me, they're all incredibly ignorant and dysfunctional. I've been co-dependent and unhealthily engaged and attached to his outcome. I was driven by the goal to get him on a positive track in life. My stepson has used me as an emotional punch bag for all of the pain that has been caused by his parents. It's been a crucial learning lesson though, it's been the context for deep personal transformation as it pushed me to my limits and in breaking down I got the opportunity to resolve issues from my own dysfunctional childhood (which were significant). Thank you for this video, I feel like I have just processed a chunk of grief relating to this experience. 🙏💕
I was not involved as a step mother from the very beginning. The boy has its own mother and father. So why I should care if he did his homework or if he eats healthy? Not my baby, not my business.
I see now how healthy this is. I was dealing with a child who had so many mental problems and two parents who were ignoring it that I tried to take on an active role to help. Backfired. I’m now disengaged and if this doesn’t work will divorce.
I work on that. But really hard for me. I work with kids. My job is to take care of them, teach other how to… and Having a kid that eat shit or binge watching make me crazy ! Im like : my house, my rules, only the best for kids. And i am scared that she became a bad example one day for my kid if i become mom
I love this!!!!
I love this😂😂😂
@@MyLifeInTheDesert Well, I am lucky enough that the biological parents are actively involved. The child is taken care of.
God this was exactly what I needed to hear. Perfect timing, so many videos on how to “make it work” rather than real life emotions and disconnections.
Thank you, so much I’m literally crying because I found something that finally resonates with me.
You're so welcome!
I swear me too. goodness.
@@CoachJackieKeya tonight my girlfriend say thanks for help out with her kids and she try be home more time with me and them too we been together nearly a year she is 45 and i am 35 . she had long chat with her teen daughter way she been treating me why she chat with her daughter ???.
I ended up doing it alllll wrong. Although my disengagement happen in phases it still resulted in abandonnent. My approach did not come off genuine but I’m not as regretful as I thought I would be.
I feel like I should just disengage since the parents are both horrible at disciplining their kids. The mother just got into their lives 4 years ago and spoils them rotten and let’s them have their way most of the time. They live in my house with me and their dad plus my kids and can never seem to get on top of them. They’re becoming teenagers and their mom bought them phones so they can call her anytime something doesn’t go their way.
I needed this. Thank you for your advice. As a stepmom you feel guilty at times for thinking like this (wanting to make the transition) but it's tiring.
Wow, every sign that you need to disengage is prevalent in my life right now. Especially my self esteem being linked to the relationship with the step child. Thank you for this video. So helpful!
My stepkids live with my husband and me full time. He has full custody. Very helpful advice.
How to tell my partner that I dont like talking about the child and dont want to know anything about the stepchild progress.Just stop telling me about it.Not my problem
I feel this way too
Then why are you with him?
It's not the stepparent issue.so what if they are together
@@sabineschwab2960 it’s nothing the stepparent can do so why involve the stepparent. Their opinion or role is not respected so why? I disengaged because step kids are just straight disrespectful and I don’t accept disrespect from no one but I love my husband. It’s his issue not mine.
@@sabineschwab2960 ridiculous question. You can love someone but not want to be involved with the dysfunctional kids. The kids will eventually move out. You’re there as a partner not a parent
Thank you am literally replaying this message until it sticks in my subconscious. Feeling so much relieved.
My husband's children treat him so badly but he will try until the day he dies. I really don't care if I never see them again, but I will miss the grandson.
Thank you, this helps 😘
You really are an angel. Made me feel soooo comfortable about my decisions.
I found alot of really solid advice in this video, thank you for making it. Lots of times we lose ourselves in the role of stepparent and it's nice to be reminded that we are autonomous beings too
Wow. I needed to hear this so badly. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You can never compete with a previous spouse , who is dead!
Exactly my situation thank you for the guidance 👏👏👏👏👏
Great advice, thank you very much :) You have a lovely way of explaining yourself. :)
Much needed. Thank you!
Thank you ❤️ I’m going through this, very early stages, and I realize this is a VERY important role and I truly don’t want to jeopardize his wellbeing with his established relationships. I will honor is parents and myself hopefully being some sort of mentor without replacing his parents and their positions ❤️ Wonderful video!!!
very informative...
Thank you
I wish I could contact you I am struggling so much with my stepchild but I need someone to talk to so bad.
Jackie that was so timely,l got some points to initiate and thank you.
Jacqueline Adisa Mmbaya welcome dear
Thank you. I needed this.
The stepkids made it clear they didn't want me around and my husband did nothing about it so i completely disengaged. They were not allowed in the house when my husband wasnt home. I stopped doing nice things for them and happily lived my life without them
Oh wow I'm going through the same the ages 13 and 10. They always have attitudes when they come over. And they don't get along with my 11 year old son. It's a hot mess, I have cried and prayed. He wants to move his 13 year old son in, to change his behavior because of all his suspensions from school. It's very overwhelming😢
How do you disengage and hand over the responsibility to bio dad of a 2yr old that always cry non stop just to get her way and don't listen to me, when dad is the primary bread winner and you have a 1mth newborn baby with dad that nt even that stressful. Bio mom don't want the child at all and dad work whole day, I feel so bad and neglectful if I put all the strain on him but i'm losing my self in this stepmom process im extreamly stress
Have him to make a care plan and he needs to discuss it with the child on their level so they understand when dad isn't home this is expected. If they don't do that let dad know he needs to discipline the child so you don't look like the bad guy in the child's eyes
First of all remember YOU signed up for it! Taking care of kids of any age is hard. Just remember raising kids is temporary & very rewarding in the long term. If you disengage you should feel guilty because your neglecting your duty’s as a partner. If it’s that bad then just leave. Don’t waste that rare good man time…
How you doing today?
Perhaps, the child is going through the terrible two?
Perhaps, recognise that at some point.this child could see you as a parent?
Good luck.
Great advice....❤
Agreed. Had the convo today for me to disengage some. When his kids are there they need solo time and my kids and I need solo time. So no one feels forced and everyone feels seen. At first we thought we needed to do everything together but I grew tired quickly of being used as an ATM or seeing his kids asking for more money or saying they're bored and entertaining then. I am interested in changing that behavior because when I met him he was donating blood 2x a week to make ends meet and they just wanted more and more financially from him versus quality time. Some of its been pointing out the lopsided parenting and how they treat him as the kid. The sum of disengaging that I see with your video is stopping the mental hurdles and support him as he raises his kids in a healthy way.
Thankyou Jackie
thank you
Quite informative
Mama..i was upset when how much i did as mother but my stepkids still choosing the useless sarcastic mom
Thank you
Thank you! 🥰
I may be the step mom but his mother isn't around. I've been full time "stepmom" for 2 years! I spend more time with him than anyone. But his father still has no problem telling him he can have his ipad even after I grounded him from it for "throwing his middle finger up to his teacher" I'm expected to do everything for everyone yet nothing I say goes and he has no problem letting him disrespect me and he won't do anything! I'm pretty sure I'm the nanny at this point
What if my partner is a narcissist and thinks its my job to take care of his terrible 17 year old. He cant parent. I dont want to be parent. He'll take it terribly and probably leave me of i disengage.
If you’re with a narcissist you should leave him. It’s not a healthy relationship and it’s not good for you ❤
You would be better off if you left.
How about those step kids that don't have a bio mom. My stepsons bio mom passed away years ago.
They still have their father, yes?
@@show_me_your_kitties yes
@@cw2830 Well my advice would be to deligate the parental responsibility to him and take a step back. That does not mean that you are not supportive, caring or dutiful to the children, but, the major parental responsibilities to be given to their father, as they should be.
I want to know when a step mom should give the biological mom space to be at their family functions without her presence. If she has children I won't be expected to be there but my kids will. I need to know. 🤔
I have disengaged right now. I'm just done trying to be a "mom". No more hands on because the kids will NEVER see you no matter what you do. Especially when their dad will always prioritize them over you . I'm just done.
Those of you who disengage. How? What does your disengaging look like?
Let the other parent make the decisions. Make sure the other kids in the home understand your expectations of them so they don’t follow suit with negativity. Personally, I stopped spoiling her as much because if you don’t want me to act like your mom then don’t think I’m gonna treat you like my child. Be involved, but don’t overreact on the negativity of their actions. they can’t like you they feel as though they’re betraying their other parent. 💯
Your so beautiful.
Married first woman with a kid and now again another woman with a little girl wish i never did im stupid raising someone else kod is killing me also this kids are expensive as hell
❤
I don’t ever recommend dating a man with a child or children, not worth it
Just realised after 15 years of struggling am 41 know just sad and regret of my youth age I west
Step moms are good at first but that mask gets off when they have their own child.... under cover gold diggers every where...
😂😂😂nothing she do will make step kids happy!!!
@@shkorinaBowey step mother destroys a relationship with child and father and act like victim in the end....just taking freely everything from a man by just proving pussy...😆😆 what a loser.😂
I needed this, thank you.