No Gamer supps ad read will ever beat Meatcanyon's Gamer supps ad read. In fact I don't think any person on UA-cam can beat meat Canyons sponsorship ad reads he puts his heart and soul into them and makes them like an eighties or nineties commercial being played on a old crummy television.
The comma at the end is messing with me. I feel like someone has removed half the sentence, but that can't be right... right? Narcissist's wouldn't do that, removing half a sentence!?
I had a previous partner try to convince me I had early onset Alzheimer’s as part of their gaslighting of me and then became angry when I started carrying moleskin notebooks to note down our conversations in as a means of verification. He went so far as to tare pages out of my notebooks and then claim I had done it. The degree of lasting harm this type of this type of phycological abuse causes cannot be understated and those that engage in it must be avoided at all costs.
I'm obviously very sorry you were in that situation but his line of thinking is so flawed it's actually sort of funny..? "you have the disease that makes you forget!" "okay, I'll carry around notebooks and try to remember more often.." "excuse me how dare you react to having the forgetting disease by trying to remember???"
I feel your pain and I can relate to what you've gone through. As a survivor, do you have any suggestions for someone who is just now starting to realize what has been going on?
@@blagosphere9000 I realize you're not asking me, but my advice would be to run. Go no contact if you can. If you can't, stay alert. As you learn more and more what to look for, you can begin to see them coming from a mile away, and the better you'll become at letting their toxity just bounce off you while you laugh at their childish temper tantrums. Also, do everything you can to avoid giving them fuel. Anything they learn about you is fair game to turn around and weaponize against you, so the fewer details you can share with them, the better. It is a hard road to travel, but at the end of it you'll be amazed at how free you feel. It's definitely worth the struggle to get out of their clutches. Good luck!! 🤗
Been there and got diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s by my now ex. Luckily, I’m a logician and, once I saw a pattern, did some research, finding the term gaslighting. After that, he had some spectacular rows whenever I refused to accept his version of reality; I say “he” because he went incandescent and argued with himself. Anyway, every abuser uses the same playbook. I’d recommend everyone else reads “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
I had a family member gaslight me so badly for so long (almost 20 years by the end) that i questioned if i was having memory issues or even dementia. I went to a neuropsychologist for assessment (with the gaslighter coming along to "point out the gaps"). Eventually broke away and started therapy and other testing. turns out i don't have any worse of a memory than anyone else - and i only had "memory issues" with the gaslighter. funny thing that.... it's incredibly insidious and disturbing to experience. I started taking notes of all conversations. This was actually something they encouraged for work. pretty sure they didn't want me to do it with them, but i did. it was very eye opening. they would say something hadn't happened or they hadn't said something, or I had or hadn't said something...and i'd look back in my notes and...yep, there it was. i'm a very logical, analytical, well-educated person and i was convinced i had some kind of brain damage because of that person. It can happen to anyone. thankfully they live very, very far away from me and no longer have my phone number.
@@MochoStudiosYT Parents to do this to their children. It results in memory issues (Attention-Deficit), acting out of expectation for context (Hyperactivity), externalized mood disorders (Borderline Personality), and monotropic processing (Autism-Spectrum).
@@SeeingBackward Do you know what adding a super hi IQ to the child would do to the equation? And, also, other people doing it not just the parents, maybe a teacher and a friend, all at the same time?
Remember when Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish and you lied and said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
There never was a goldfish, i always found it weird you dragged that bowl everywhere. i didnt want to ask, as i thought you felt safe with it, like a emotional support bowl💀 it fits your unique unhinged style you know i love !
I just ended a 14 year merrige due to this. I had my friends and family isolated from me. I got to the point of not wanting to have a conversation without a recording. I'm 6mo out of the ordeal and have 50/50 custody of my children. It is very hard. I recommend only communicating through text and email. NEVER do verbal communication regardless of the number of people present. Keep your cool, and remember why you left.
Please, for the sake of your children, understand that this is also happening to them, and will become the basis for their reality. This doesn't need that you need to necessarily prevent contact between them or adjust custody, but make sure to validate their own ability to use externalized proof rather than succumbing to the emotional manipulation, and that it is because your partner is sick and not that they need to make this a core part of themselves.
I am gonna choose to not trust your judgement because I know a few extremely toxic girls who truly think their boyfriends are gaslighting when they don't. Girls can be real crazy at times. More often guys than girls in my experience, although I could be biased.
Having lived through this myself and started with 50/50 custody of my children, I cannot reccommend enough getting your kids to safety where they have limited, controlled contact with that person. After and during my divorce, their father who had previously had no interest or interactions with them besides when very grudgingly required, started manipulating and gaslighting them instead, since I wasn't there. He convinced them things they saw and heard never happened, making it out like I was the crazy person and just "out to get him". He ignores and removes all affection, insulting and belittling them any time they even come close to questioning him, often using my children against eachother. He removes memories of things I'd done with my kids, putting himself in my place, when he wasn't even there, just by telling the stories over and over again, but altered. In the end, he had them convinced I didn't want to be their mom any longer, and was completely unrational and unwilling to work with him on anything. I lost the 50/50 custody of my kids because he convinced them they hated me and they weren't safe with anyone but him. Judges and family courts and lawyers are not equipped to understand or recognize abuse that doesn't show physical scars. Realize you won"t be able to convince your children that their father is wrong or abusive, ever. Trying to do so will only strengthen his position and hold on them, and make you seem worse. Stay steady, loving, and calm. Be their mom, and address their actions and words, leaving him out of it. That's the only way I've been able to slowly (over many years) been able to get any kind of relationship built back up with my kids. Limit contact with the abuser to only business-like text messages that are straightforward and to the point. Avoid all emotion in them, or you can get dragged back in and he will use any emotion against you. Stay strong. You have a long hard, constantly heart-breaking road ahead.
This happened to me...but I was the one gaslighting. I was in an already faltering relationship and we would frequently argue. It wasn't until well after the relationship ended that I realized I was being manipulative and gaslighting her. Now, it had always happened in the throws of an argument, and she was certainly no angel, but what I did was still unfair. In retrospect, I had used it to counter her arguments against me...both valid and invalid, and was a way for me to try and maintain the, "moral high ground". Realizing what I had done made me think back through my whole life and see if I had done other things that were similar. I can't say I gaslit anyone else, but I definitely do recall being manipulative in my speech at various times in retrospect. It felt like I had a superpower...but all I was doing was being a manipulative a-hole. It was never about anything serious, but my intent to manipulate was definitely there, and that's plenty bad enough. These things weigh on my subconscious to this day, but it's caused me to be very careful about the words I use and how I use them. Realizing it has made me a better person, but only because I started from a lower place and have finally reached the level of "decent human being". I'm probably being too hard on myself, but the risk to the contrary is too great. Hopefully this comment will help others look at themselves and do some introspection.
Thank you so much for sharing this. In my opinion, introspection is an even greater superpower, benefitting yourself as well as the people around you. 😊
I just left a job where I was gaslighted from my boss for months. It is so sneaky and you really don‘t notice it happening. You slowly start to question your concept of reality and eventually your mental state. It took me months to recover from that, I consider myself a stable person, but this is really something to be aware of, even for the mentally sane
8:00 I almost just burst into tears. My ex uses the your memory is bad and you are probably depressed as his go to responses for any issues that come up. Or for anything he said he would do and just didn’t. He also would do something I called the trick and trap. He would agree to do something that I really needed done. Then he would just decide not to do it, but not say anything to me about it until til it was too late for me to do it. He would also regularly as my preference on things, just to argue with me about my choices. It was so draining. I used to shake constantly and I went 2 years as a shut in, too anxious to leave the house. When I finally got strong enough to ask him to leave, my entire life started improving and because I was away from him and around normal people, I started to realize how insane our relationship was. I’ve never been treated by anyone the way that man treated me. He made me lose hope in life and love. I don’t know if my body will ever overcome the torment I went through.
Infamous gaslighting phrases I heard growing up: 1. You're overreacting. 2. Oh come on, it wasn't really that bad. 3. You're imagining things. 4. That's not what I said. 5. That's not what happened. 6. Just get over it, you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. 7. There are worse things than that. 8. You never did *insert x* 9. That's not what YOU said (yeah you know you're in deep when you question the words coming out of your own mouth.) 10. You're upset. Well talk about it when you calm down (and then you know... Never discussing what actually upset you)
12 My partner involved others. Getting me so angry and muddled, I might cry in frustration and yell, and he would tell my kids "look mom having tantrums,isn't she a silly baby."
Yeah, about covers it. Except, 'I might have said/done that, but YOU made me!' Often it's easier to observe the incidence (rarity) of authentic self-reflection and calm acceptance of any flaws. If they are uncommon and fuzzily described, it's obfuscation.
I was called "overdramatic" by my mom for being scared to be left alone with my dad. My dad was horribly abusive. (She divorced him in my teens over his profligate adultery.) Recently she told me (adult me in my early 50's) that she doesn't take my thoughts and feelings very seriously, because I'm "so dramatic." I found this jarring. I consider myself to be a more practically-oriented person than she is. I've decided that trusting her with my thoughts and feelings is a bit silly. She's had therapy. She's had decades to start taking me seriously. She's always been fairly distant, cold, and selfish. I also look back at my own toxic marriage, and see that I selected a partner who was like mom. Not in a good way, obviously.
There's another way to protect yourself from gaslighters, and that is to journal your conversation. Always journal about what those gaslighters said immediately, or as quickly as possible. That way, if the gaslighter were to say, "I'll take you to the movie" only for him to say, "I never agreed on taking you to a movie" then the gaslighting becomes less effective. Of course, journaling won't hold them accountable, but it can help you stay sane.
I started doing that with my narc mom in high school. I would immediately write down everything she said. Of course then she would deny ever having said it. I eventually went no contact with her.
@@Toshineko I can see how this would be helpful for someone to keep anchored in their own reality, but I don't see this being useful as evidence presented in a dispute. I can easily see the tables being turned about how you've become obsessed that you must keep such a detailed account, how it's unhinged and only [random group of people considered lower than the lowest scum] do such things and how maybe you should really consider seeing a psychiatrist because you seriously need help. Besides, everything you wrote is inaccurate because it's either a lie or you misunderstood or completely ignored half of the conversation, omitting the parts that absolve them of all wrongdoing. How dare you simply omit more than half the conversation. How can they trust you from now on if you're going to so intentionally misrepresent them and make them look bad? You're going to have to put forth some effort if you want to earn back any trust.
My now Ex used to do this to me. They would fly into fits of rage and shout and threaten me with violence, Once they had calmed down they would then claim that it was me that did all the anger and it was completely unprovoked, meanwhile they hadn't done a thing. I honestly believe I had ended up being married to a person with a personality disorder. Even now they show no remorse for their actions and never had done, so I'm convinced that they are also a psychopath. The divorce was a nightmare; they waited until I was out the house for a couple of weeks then got a solicitor to send me a letter stating I was a threat to them and it also said that if I went back to the house they would call the police on me. They lied on the divorce petition with such crazy accusations that my solicitor was convinced that the judge would reject the petition, but they could see pretty quickly that I needed to get out of this abusive relationship. It took 1 year and 8 months to get the divorce completed as my ex wouldn't stop lying to the solicitor. Anyhow I'm out of it now. I was probably heading for an early death with all the stress I had to endure on a daily basis.
Not feeling guilty about their abuse doesn't make him a psychopath but a narcist. My mother is 1 of those, and she still doesn't understand why I distrust her so much. She thinks her only sin is not giving me a bigger house growing up. I can't trust a word she says because she will say something completely contradictory days later and refuse to admit anything different. That's how I recognized the gaslighting and distanced myself from her. She's my mother, so I can't completely cut her off. I'm lucky I have the self-confidence to recognize when someone is contradicting themselves and am stubborn enough to believe in my own memories. That's how I recognize gaslighting now. Trust your instincts. If you think they said something different earlier, but they are adamant they didn't, believe yourself. Your instincts are never wrong.
It's an overused term today, but my ex is a true sociopathic narcissistic. After we split up I had to essentially deprogram myself like someone leaving a cult. I was convinced black was white and up was down purely because that fit her reality as explained to me. Eventually it gets to the point when they don't have to lie or come up with an excuse. You, by default, come up with one for them in which they did nothing wrong and you probably just don't remember it correctly. Like most others with her personality she was a master at claiming victimhood while attacking and trying to destroy anyone that didn't go along with her. Nothing was ever her fault. Anything that went wrong with either someone else's fault, or an outcome that couldn't have been seen and the result of outside influences. A mutual friend from that time describes it like watching a vampire. She finds people to control. (Those that called her out on her BS too early are quickly banished.) Then drains them of whatever they have that is useful for her. When done, they are discarded. Usually with accusations of doing something bad enough for others to cut contact with them. Rinse, repeat. Move on to the next victims.
G'day, There there, commiserations indeed. I too married a PsychoCeramic (Cracked Pot), I stayed there for 7 years, and then the Custody Case lasted 9 years...; on my 14th wedding anniversary I learned that both my two stepsons were in separate Psychiatric institutions...., in the final spasm of LegalEagleBeagle&Briefcase, my wife (not yet divorced - because that would mean her agreeing to sign something I had also signed...!) lost 4 Cases in 4 Jurisdictions in 4 calendar weeks... My children thus finally were rescued from my own exceedingly bad taste in Partners (Acquired Shit-Magnet Effect!) ; but a fortnight later my eldest stepson succumbed to the toxicity of his childhood, and passed away before turning 21... When I recognised how I had come to develop such foul taste in Partners, I resolved to remain happily single, and to not inflict Daddy's latest Girlfriend Fantasy onto my children...; and thus my two kids grew up to be happy and functional... The trick is to recognise when one's partners are becoming sequentially worse, and stop there ; without proceeding to the next bad choice...(!). In my experience. And, beware of the Principle of Equal Damage... One is generally attractive to someone who has been equally emotionally damaged, in their own previous experiences - it's what makes the couple relatable to each other..., apparently. Such is life, Live a good one..... Stay safe. ;-p Ciao !
Why do you use the pronoun they, when you talk about a certain woman? I can see the point of using THEY when you mean he or she. But in this case, it seems strange. It's an honest question from an English teacher in Germany.
My ex has BPD, and my Dad has NPD. They both gaslight on accident and on purpose. Thankfully, I've cut contact with both. I have a lot more peace now that I'm not constantly having people play games with my emotions. People lying to warp your reality isnt ever a casual accident. Its a malignant behavior.
I was married to a psychopathic gaslighter. I was in real fear for my sanity, and started writing things down, and he tried to convince me that I was still not asking him or telling him the things I had written down. I had him sign them, and he *still* tried to tell me I was forging his signature. I moved out the next week. It messed me up for a long time. This was over 30 years ago. I'm a retired RN, and was an RN at that time. He almost had me convinced I was too crazy to go back to work after having our child, had cut me off from all friends, family, moved us two states away. Folk, emotional abuse is a lot easier to accomplish on someone than you think it is, and it is subtle at first. If you have a family member, male or female, that is suddenly falling out of contact, DRIVE there and go see them and make SURE they are ok. They can't be cut off if you make sure you are still showing up.
Most narcissists have very high charisma to attract many. So sometimes it is hard to defend or leave/cut them off for these narcissists is almost impossible. For those who have escaped and now live a happy life. I congratulate you. Not everyone has good friends or family to help or are strong themselves or that fortunate.
My family was once controlled by a narcissist and gaslighter who tried to gain control by being the sole point of contact for all of us. It wasn't until we agreed to always check with one another if she said "So and so said x about you" that we retook control. After that she slid into obscurity. It was a near thing, though.
It really helps to have someone to ground you during gaslighting attempts. My bestfriend is that person. I am eternally grateful to her for being my rock.
True, but there are still ways to make your life more tolerable even if you're stuck with a narc. As long as you realise what's going on. Those who haven't realised though... there's no way of really helping them until they decide to take a long, hard look at what's going on with their lives.
As a seasoned veteran of two marriages with psychologically abusive narcissists, I truly believe that the movie's depiction of the hint of a threat of violence without ever actually occurring is spot on. I believe that they attempt to refrain from physical abuse simply because physical injury is harder to gaslight away... though not impossible.
My soon to be ex wife tried gaslighting me so much when she cheated and left the family, I’m a very calm and collected person, in 13 years of knowing each other I had never even raised my voice to her. She left with claims of me financially abusing her (I sold collectors items to give her money to help her secure a place), made claims I was stalking her, went to the police claiming I had raised a fist at her (this after she had told me I had made a fist by my side one time which I have no memory of ever doing), claims I had given her a recording device, and many others. She has slagged me off so much to people to justify her behaviour, while I have just focused on protecting the kids. She has even made me doubt myself and I have talked to my psychologist about concerns I am a narcissist and abusive and not aware of it. It has really shattered my self belief.
@@michaelmcdonough4657 Of course I have issues, I would never attempt to deny that at all, but that does not negate or excuse the treatment I have endured for the last 30 years, and it has no bearing on why I believe someone might avoid being physically abusive.
im genuinely curious how women, nearly all women, manage to continuously get into relationships with people who are at most 4% of the population. Like how does one person manage to pull this off let alone the absolutely overwhelming majority of women?
My wife has disassociated amnesia. I have to be careful with her because SHE will think she said something that she never said, and I cannot remember. So I just have to accept it If she's under stress, she doesn't form memories. It took us a while to understand why she couldn't remember stuff
@@leomovalthat was not gaslighting, it was a lie. Not all lies are gaslighting. Gaslighting isn't making someone you believe you, it is making someone not believe themselves.
I actually had a therapist try to gaslight me. We were only a couple sessions in and I was discussing my condition. She said "Oh, I have some materials on that", reached down for a bag that wasn't there, then said "Oh, I must've left it at home. Would you like me to bring them in next week?". I said sure. The following week we got to the end of the session and she hadn't brought it up, so I asked if she'd brought them in. In an overly sweet tone, she said "Gosh, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even have any materials on that. Are you sure that's what I said?" I recorded our next session after that and then realized, if you feel the need to record your therapy sessions to make sure you're not crazy, dump that therapist 😂 I never saw her again. It was a good lesson in "Trust your gut". I had a very clear sinking feeling when I met with her, but because she sounded nice and said all the right things, I thought something was wrong with me. Nah. Your instincts pick up on non-verbal cues that your conscience mind won't register at first. It doesn't matter why they give you the heeby-jeebies. Just believe it and get away from them.
Some therapist are very broken people with weird issues, one friend of mine got one that tried to convince her being gay was her fault and she needs to convert herself to be normal ... She dump her on the spot And i had a friend that was a clinical therapist that was so obsesive she used to stalked her ex ... Like literally follow him just to check if what he said was "true" and she Will call him to SEE if he pick up RIGHT away .... Girl that weird af, You have no RIGHT having clients 😂
Simon: this is a very accurate analysis of gaslighting. It wasn’t until our father passed away that we found out why our mother was so difficult to live with. It turns out she was diagnosed narcissistic, bipolar, and was unmedicated for over 20 years. I am familiar with every single one of these tactics. They both passed away 10 years ago and only 10 months between each other. As much as I miss my father, I know that my life is in a better place because my mother is not here. And don’t worry, I’ve gotten professional help over the years. I have come to terms of the fact that I don’t hate my mother, but I don’t miss her. Mainly because I realize that another I do miss was gone over 20 years ago. Hopefully this is helpful to someone. Ana can get better.
It is unfortunate that our society cares more about shame and stigma and thus continues to expose children to gaslighters without their knowledge leading them to have fantastical beliefs as adults, rather than acknowledge to the children that the person is ill and they should not base their ideas about reality on what they say.
I came out of an incredibly abusive relationship a year ago. Telling my family was so hard, but it turns out they knew. He gaslit me into thinking I was stupid, unattractive, fat and that I should be grateful for his attention. He bullied me in every way possible and used my disability against me. He made me think I had hearing problems and early onset dementia
@@mb-3faze thanks! I've fallen into a brilliant relationship with the best guy ever who constantly makes me feel good about myself and tells me how much he loves me. He understands I've ptsd and does everything he can to not set it off. He's the best
thanks for making this video, i went through hell in a relationship for years filled with gaslighting constantly and this made me feel like i wasn't insane and not just from the same brain the brought me to the insanity in the first place lol.
I was in a relationship for years where this was being done to me. I didn't have a word for it for a long time. As soon as I found out what gaslighting was, I felt so validated. They also separated me from all family and friends I had, prevented me from making new friends, and made me completely reliant on them. It made me feel totally insane, like I was living in a false reality. I still get extremely stressed out when someone suggests that I am remembering things incorrectly. One of the worst things that happened was when they drugged me and then told me I "blacked out after one drink," and that I was "acting crazy in front of everyone." I actually believed it. It happened two times. I've never blacked out before, or since those incidents.
Trust your instincts. Your instincts are never wrong. No one knows what you remember better than yourself. I came out of my gaslighting mother with a stubborn conviction to reject anyone who says I'm remembering things wrong.
@ToudaHell oh, trust me. I can definitely tell when people are doing it now, and absolutely don't allow it. I even realized because of it that my mom did it to me, too lol.
I have been there personally. I wasn’t the gaslighter, it was my partner, then wife, who was very spoilt, and had very wealthy parents, and a father that dotted on her. It was not a nice experience. The consequences and ramifications were absolutely devastating.
I was with a malignant narc for a decade. She had me gaslit into thinking everything was my fault, even thing's that couldn't possibly be my fault lol😂.
I reckon we could go through the no-doubt, thousands of comments here and not find one single person who will admit to being a gaslighter. (It's *doted* btw :) - but slightly funny they way you wrote it :) )
One aspect I would amend is that the narcissist can create flying monkeys. And if that is their own therapist and doctor. Then you have a bad time as the partner who tried to help and bring them to therapy . Because the therapist will actively try to work against you and for his patient . This went so far in my case that I had to secretly record how I was threatened to be killed in a calm and convinced manner that my partner has the right to murder me if I am annoying in any way (not sticking to the sleep schedule to the minute in this case). Then it stopped
After many years of gaslighting from someone I found written evidence of what they had done, but it came too late as that person had died and to expose them at that point would have no point other than to make me look bitter and petty.
You can never expose a gaslighter, because they just gaslight the people you would expose them to. This is the phenomenon known as "flying monkeys," and will just result in more people organized against you. Unfortunately, until humans realize that what we know call "charisma" was called originally "auctoritas" by the Romans (meaning "authority" as in "the author of your worldview"), and that it's exactly what enables the worst behavior among humanity, this will continue to happen.
You described my wife to a scary accurate degree, and then described me and the steps I started taking to try and preserve my sanity and prove reality to a disturbing tee. She is a master gas lighter. I started documenting conversations. Recording conversations. Playing them back later when she would flip the script and claim I was misremembering. And somehow she would convince me to delete the videos/documentation and then start gas lighting me again about what happened. I'm currently divorcing her.
In my experience "described to a scary accurate degree" is a super common response that victims of this have. It's not that one or two behaviors fit, it's that they all do.
@@lostbutfreesoul after I deleted the documentation/videos, the next time it would come up she would immediately say it happened a different way, and if I was correct about how it happened, why would I delete the evidence? then somehow, the very next time I would be documenting things, she would convince me to delete them. and everything, everything always "my sh*tty memory's fault" "Zack, you're the one with memory problems so who do you think is most likely misremembering?" it was a living hell. but to answer your question, near the end I stopped deleting the evidence. and what I've learned through this divorce is she remembers the truth about how things happened, she just doesn't care. she changes the story just to try and make her self either look good, or to mess with me. but she knows the truth, she just is addicted to the lying
@@ZackBurnsOG I was lucky, they attempted to do this to me and almost succeeded. After the break up I went through my phone to clear everything related to them out of it but something stopped me from flat out deleting it all, instead I moved everything to a place where I wouldn't come across it accidentally and relive painful memories. A couple days later when we did end up speaking again, they asked me to delete everything under the guise of that there may have been things that I had from the relationship that now that it was over I didn't need to have (pictures, logins etc). I showed them there was nothing left on the phone already and they seemed happy. Fast forward a couple months and they began smearing me and claiming all sorts of things that weren't true. While I didn't try to defend myself because it would be pointless (everyone pretty much ignored them anyways), it did cause me to worry about if I was misremembering things. Up until then I had forgotten about the folder but once this started happening I remembered it and started going through it. What I found was two things, first, I didn't have any of the things they were concerned about saved and second, what they said happened was a complete twisting of the facts. If someone ever tells you to delete things, take it as a red flag and look into why they might want that.
I've heard the term covert narcissist, but I didn't realize it's associated with people who think that their life is uniquely miserable and unfixable. That really makes me reflect on a past relationship I had.
It isn't. He's conflating Covert with Vulnerable. Covert Narcissists is "covert " in that the destructive behaviours are often only experienced by direct family, or even just their partner, which is in itself crazy making. Vulnerable is a type, like Grandiose (which is by definition Overt narcissism), or Malignant.
@@Lomunist From checking some posts and articles, it seems that the terms are often used interchangeably, but vulnerable does seem to be the more appropriate classification.
Gaslighting also frequently happens in families to hide inconvenient facts or family skeletons. Had it happen to me over a will, I saw it, it was discussed (and later proven to exist) but two family members had me convinced for a short time that I imagined it and it made me start to doubt my memories/sanity.
The type of people who use it to hide those inconvenient facts or family skeletons are exactly the ones who would also allow those facts and skeletons to be created, because they're going to take what they want anyway and it's just a matter of making it work for them amongst everyone else, and gaslighting is the easiest (and most legal) way to get everyone else to comport with the reality that they want everyone to believe exists.
I was with a covert narcissist for 2.5 years before I met my husband back in 2021. He used to do this to me all the time. It got so bad, I didn't even trust my own feelings or reactions to his abuse. That's why they do it... To break you down so that they can use, misuse and abuse you and you won't question it.
Thank you so much for such an informative, concise, yet thorough explanation of this! I've been looking for an answer to this all year, but all I've been able to find is rambling posts from armchair psychiatrists. Thanks for the clarification of the origin too, a big part of my confusion is that the name made no sense to me.
I fell prey to this tactic and it cost me dearly. I didn’t even realize how intensely I was being manipulated for almost a year after removing myself from the situation. Now I don’t have any desire for a relationship or even friendship. The idea is nice, but I don’t trust my judgment of other people anymore. Maybe he wasn’t aware of what he was doing….or maybe he was just evil. 😂 Thanks for the video Simon. Good script Kevin, thanks.
When you've spent your whole life obsessed with fact-checking every piece of information you consume, but especially your thoughts and feelings. And then it turns out you've been gaslit by your mother ever since before you could form concise memories. Holy shit.
From Team Four Star's HFIL episode: Cell: "Is this gaslighting? Am I being gaslit?" Frieza: "If I were gaslighting you, you'd never know it." Cell: "Is THAT gaslighting?" Frieza: "Shut up."
I don’t want to say too much, but I know more about this topic than I really care to admit. However, I will. I don’t have a therapist or anyone else to really lay this on. So I’ll take advantage of anonymity and this opportunity. I wasn’t broken from the abuse perpetrated by a romantic partner, an employer, a friend, or anyone else of the sort. My fucking mom did this shit to me from day one. I’m 33 years old now, still struggling to adapt. Ever since I can remember anything, I have repeatedly given myself over to people who have similarly taken advantage of me. I did so willingly, thinking it was completely normal. Now I know, I am alone, and nobody fucking cares. I spend a lot more time by myself these days, I guess that’s an improvement.
basically the biggest tell that someone is Gaslighting you is there refusal to take any responsibility combined with accusations of insanity/paranoia/irrationality. if this is there response when challenged then you have you're answer.
85 years?! I first heard of it in the 1944 film Gaslight. I was too young to understand it but was terrified every time the lights dimmed. I never knew the name of the movie until I looked up "gaslighting" recently. I finally recognized that it was that movie that frightened me so much as a child.
I had some heated arguments with my ex about things she’d say to me that hurt my feelings. Whenever I pointed out what she said, she’d deny it or claim I was twisting her words. So, I decided to record our conversations. She got even angrier and started yelling at me, accusing me of not loving her and saying she no longer trusted me. It was like trying to reach someone through a brick wall. The best thing I did was to end things with her.
I was once at the receiving end in the work environment. I'd had a poor relationship with the deputy finance director. She often made unreasonable requests and demonstrated a poor understanding of basic arithmetic (e.g. she thought if division A grew by 2% and division B grew by 10%, then the combined growth would be 12%). The gaslighting came when she waited until 5pm before asking me for a particular piece of work that she needed before a 9am meeting the next day. It would be about a day's worth of work. So I pulled an all nighter. By the morning, when I handed the work over, she looked at me puzzled and claimed she'd never asked for it and asked me why I thought she would. I had hoped I'd outlast her, but I resigned shortly afterwards.
Had an ex gaslight me all the time. I suspected he was seeing another (married) woman we worked with and he'd tell me I'm making stuff up in my head. I also knew he was messaging another woman. Turns out, not only was he with her all the damn time, he was also planning his escape with another woman on the other side of the country 😂 Forget the love triangle, the love quadrangle is where it's at
One of my exes did the same. She kept saying I am the cheater in the relationship and blatantly denied her affairs (her ex, two random guys and one of my ex friends). Luckily she kept all the social media conversations with those guys and I managed to get my hands on those conversations. When I confronted her with the hard evidence, she flipped out and still tried to deny the affairs, obviously blaming me for what she did. The worst part is that during our relationship, she kept going on about how toxic her ex was. She usually was in tears when she spoke about him. She even mentioned how he "graped" her. Turns out that incident was actually planned by both of them (a fantasy they shared) and they executed that within the first month that she and I were dating. To top it off : they kept seeing each other infrequently during the first three/four years of she and I dating. Yet once or twice a month I had to console her when she cried about how horrible her ex was. Usually every time after she and I had a fight. It was a tactic she used to gain my sympathy. But hey, you live and you learn. Just never forget the red flags.
Recently got out of a long relationship with someone who gaslit me at an industrial level. Really messed me up. You really can psychologically destroy someone. What sucks most is the Stockholm Syndrome that I have for her, even though I logically, without a shadow of a doubt, know that everything she did was wrong. Tough pill to swallow for sure. Life goes on, but healing from that is an exceptionally steep climb.
I have a friend they do have bipolar, so would always say they were an unreliable narrator. The thing they described their partner doing to them was not good. First was financial abuse, emotional manipulation and definitely gaslighting. They always chose the therapist for my friend and had a meeting with them first. Once a therapist told my friend their partner "didn't have time" to gaslight them. I still wish i could have gotten them out.
The only way to recognize attempted gaslighting is to have experienced it and come out the other side. My mother is a narcist, and she has gaslit me for decades before I mentally broke away from her. I rarely listen to anything she says anymore. Just skim the conversations for the important bits like what her doctor said during her latest appointment. A few years back, a former boss tried to gaslight me, and I recognized the behavior because of my mother. I started writing things down just in case I needed to verify things with the government in case they did an audit, i was his bookkeeper and office manager. Thank goddess, there were good people around me, and the auditors saw through his bullshit when he tried to blame every problem there on me. Gaslighting is the worst type of abuse I had to endure, and I've been through them all.
This concept is usually why conflicts even exist. The narc will do unjust things to others. And then stand behind their actions. While normal people just want their own life. Which the narc is strongly opposed to.
Thank you thank you…I cannot thank you enough. Even now I doubt myself. Even now! But your very clear and analytical breakdown has made it abundantly clear what happened to me for all those years. It’s still so devastating. I am so grateful for this video. Whenever I start to doubt I’ll be pulling this up.
I had two exes in a row who gaslit me but in different ways. The first one I'm fairly certain believed the things that he said to me and we both were recording conversations out of frustration but when his recordings didn't match his claims, he would accuse me of tampering with his recordings. When my recordings matched my claims, he would claim I tampered with the recordings or he would just change the subject as if we weren't having that conversation 5 seconds ago. The next one was less angry and didn't yell very often, really the only time I remember him yelling was when I decided to end the relationship and that he needed to move out. Over a period of 5 years, he slowly chipped away at my confidence with little things about how if it wasn't for him I wouldn't remember to pay the bills on time, how I supposedly couldn't get certain things done without him. After a while I started to think a bit deeper about it and wondered how I did those things with no issues before he was a part of my life but now apparently couldn't which didn't make a lot of sense. I wanted him to go hiking or do stuff with me, but he would turn it around and say that we never did anything he wanted to do so I wouldn't push the issue but when asked what he wanted to do, he would say go to a bar or something like that, but then would never actually go to a bar. He said things that made me question my intelligence and boasted about being smarter than me. We were both in college. He was staying at home but also doing college. I was working full time and going to college at the same time. He got mad at me for not praising his grades like a mother would probably do. I didn't see the point and then when I saw his grades, I realized my grades were higher despite me working full time. Then he said it was because my school wasn't as difficult as his. My kids both hated him. When I was stationed in South Korea, he had manipulated those kids into walking on eggshells around me when I first got back because apparently, he was saying I would get mad about things that I really did not care about. I had offered many times to send extra money home for them to do fun stuff, but he had told them that we were broke and couldn't afford to do anything. They even said odd things about "the money" or lack thereof that we supposedly didn't have which was not true at all. He had my oldest waking him up for college and would scold him if he didn't wake him up which is so backwards. He would get my oldest to do a set of chores and say they switch every 2 weeks, but for those two weeks, he wouldn't do any of the chores he assigned himself and then he would switch them and then accuse my oldest of not doing them because it didn't get done. That kid didn't know who's chores were what week and was getting manipulated into doing all of them while my ex did nothing at all but sit around and watch tv when not at college. I was beyond furious when I got home. He had also taken all phone and internet privileges away from my son for over 8 months as a punishment for something not even punishworthy. The kid was only allow to use the internet with my ex directly observing which meant my son couldn't even tell me how bad things were until I got home and saw it for myself. I had no clue. I didn't see the second one as abuse until I saw what he did to the kids and also how different things were when I was away from him in Korea and I realized I could do all those things without him telling me to do them, that while my memory isn't great, it was certainly better than he claimed it was. The whole thing was a massive nightmare. I've been away from him for 6 years and it still impacts my life sometimes.
@ My sentence structure was a bit lacking. I didn’t mean to send the message that I was a victim. I was as guilty as my partner. I just didn’t realize how problematic I was until it was too late. Since, I have lived and learned.
The way I had to do a double take and questioned if I’ve really been gaslit when Simon mentioned “not all gaslighting is actually gaslighting” only to hear his descriptions of like basic lying and it was like okay yeah no, it wasn’t that in the slightest lol. When you’re being gaslit, the best option is to completely cut ties, but if that isn’t an option at the very least keep those ties as loose as possible. Unfortunately the narcissists in my life are a parent and grandparent. Cutting ties with them would mean cutting ties with the people around them - my little siblings who are stuck under our parent’s thumb until they can move out, or my immediate family members who are my grandparent’s caregiver. So I stay as far as arm’s length as possible, make sure that those who are in the worst of it know I’m there for them if they need it, and really only visit with the narcissist directly when I don’t have much of a choice. Makes the interactions much more functional because I’m not a direct target of their abuse, and when they start pulling shit I just back away again. Not exactly the healthiest method I have no doubt, but unfortunately as you said, cutting ties entirely is much easier said than done.
To put a humorous slant to the gaslighting my ex was doing, I called it a Jedi Mind Trick. "These aren't the droids you're looking for. He can go about his business. Move along." I really thought I was under some sort of spell that prevented me from critical thinking anymore....until I was free from that relationship. The alarming part is that "narcissism" and the use of gaslighting seems to be spreading like a virus. Although, it's probably all in my head.
God, please no. This comment section is bad enough. I don't want to hear any more of Reddit on UA-cam. All you get is a bunch of people telling their one-sided stories, never taking any accountability, and accusing anyone who they had a problem with their life of being a narcissist. It is so unproductive. The terms thrown around with impunity have lost all meaning because they are overused and misused. These people appear on social media platform comment sections for a reason. So they can get validation for their one-sided story from a bunch of people that are ignorant as to the facts of their situation. If you want a love bombing video, there are about 1000 already on topic related channels where these people can run free and trauma dump all over each other.
I work in mental health and have to had to help people with abusive partners who engaged in this kind of behaviour. Yet, I didn't see it in my own 5 year relationship until after it was over. There are still have times where I question my own sanity despite having no contact with my abuser for over 2 years now. Besides the advice in this video, I highly recommend to anyone who has experienced this kind of abuse to seek out a therapist and a psychiatrist if possible. It is not easy to recover from but there is hope. What they did to you is reflective of their abusive behaviour, and not you as a person.
BPD shares a lot of symptoms with bipolar. It can be very difficult to diagnose it. "Easy way" to tell is to give them antidepressants and see if it makes them manic. Most mental health professionals don't want to take the risk.
BPD is actually a personality disorder, whereas Bipolar. is a mood disorder. Some differences to distinguish between them is that the fear of abandonment is high in BPD and the switch between the phases of mania and depression last longer in bipolar, whereas BPD suffers from rapid, erratic and impulsive mood swings when they dissociate
My dad does this. He sent me back home after one day, he keeps at his point it was two days. Tbh if it was two days i wouldnt have minded it so much as i do, since i would go home anyway. I keep to my version. I havent seen him in 2 years at this point. Even the proof of my planner wasnt enough to convince him and he still questions my memory.
I assure you that gaslighters of all ilks are more often aware of what they’re doing than not. And some will use calculated implied threats, if not actual violence, to reinforce their control if they perceive that their madness-inducing tricks are failing. Otherwise, this is a textbook expose of the bar studs 👍
In order to fall for gaslighting, you must trust others more than yourself. That I do not do. I take everything people tell me with a grain of salt. Especially if they are really trying to convince me of something just because they say so. I would not have an idea or scenario in my head if it did not happen or I did not see evidence to support my claims. Trust yourself more than other people
Sadly, not an option for everyone. People with ADHD are probably very vulnerable to gaslighting, because a lot of people with ADHD really do regularly forget to pass on important information, do important tasks, keep track of their things or even notice objects in their environment. When you know for a fact that your memory is fallible, trust in your own memory is a lot harder to come by and...frankly,.impractical.
It's seldom emphasized how often this behaviour shows up in one's family of origin. In which case, you can't just outsmart them, fend them off, or even see through what they are doing. It's hard for a small child to "trust themselves more than other people", particularly if your parents are involved.
@@Talisguy I have inattentive hyperactivity disorder, but to compensate I learned a ton of retention methods. Including taking compulsive notes and some active memory exercises Someone with ADHD gets used to questioning there own recollection, and eventually they ether become slightly absentminded adults, or exactly the worst kid of people to try to gaslight. The former tend to shrug off the minor issues a gaslighter tends to start with as perfectly normal behavior for them, which can short cercut the responsive gaslight feedback loop, and the latter tends to use obsessive notes and techniques like using memory palaces with every day conversations which very quickly reveals to them responsive gaslighting. The end result is in both cases that it usually takes active methods, like changing someones notes, to gaslight an adult with ADHD, barring other issues Point is, with the right tools ADHD isn't as vulnerable to this as you might think, though the use of the tools makes you seem paranoid and slightly distrustful of other people's memories.
Thanks Simon, there has been a proliferation of UA-camrs and other Internet Commentators on this issue. I for one have been manipulated by my siblings for decades and no longer interact with most of them since our mother died. Two particular older siblings are masters of the trade. They are also two who could never hold onto a romantic relationship for too long.
Unfortunately, nearly every relationship I ever entered was with someone suffering from NPD, DID, Anxiety, BPD, Depression, OCD, and other disastrous, volatile disorders which almost always destroyed those (flawed) relationships. Additionally, independent of my intimate relationships, I've met a LOT of individuals who were also really broken in extraordinarily toxic ways. I did my best over the past 30+ years, but from my experiences over those decades... I don't think even a fraction of people who abuse others via their mental malaises are identified. It's pretty obvious why, too; they'd NEVER admit to any wrongdoing nor would they allow anyone to suggest that they were an NPDer, DIDer, etc. Sadly, there's neither a cure for any of these mental illnesses nor are the victims permitted to talk about their impossibly difficult situations. Even Johnny Depp was nearly destroyed by a narcissistic megalomaniac, and he's wealthy, powerful, influential, popular, etc.! Poor, non-powerful, unknown people (both male & female) would simply be told that THEY are the problem. 😕 And that'd be the end of it; no evidence necessary.
I just resigned from a job that had a narcissist in the same department. Frustration over her gaslighting had already caused another coworker to quit. It’s weird that I never realized I was being manipulated until my coworker started pointing out the conversations, things that made me question my judgment and instead rely on the narcissist’s judgment. I’m glad to be getting out! 😊
I needed this video. Mid this year I had someone basically convince me I had been inappropriate with childern online. It ruined my life to the point I actually believed I had done the things they said even though I couldn’t remember the things they said I’d done. It got to the point I thought I needed to turn myself into the police…..just in case. I have a Working With Children check for my job every year as well. Was sooo scary how they got in my head.
Excellent explanation. I've always had a hard time wrapping my head around gaslighting. "How could anyone convince someone else to believe things that are totally untrue?"
An important distinction often missed is that gaslighting has become the go-to defense for people who are actually acting irrationally or hysterical. It can be a very useful simescreen for certain types of people to cover for their own bad behavior. Be mindful of what the truth is and who is trying to subvert it, always.
I had a previous partner who gaslit me on a fairly regular basis. It took a very good therapist to help me finally realize that it was happening. My recent ex also did it... perhaps I'm just an idiot or more susceptible to this?? Time to go back to my therapist, I think... An extremely helpful video!! Thank you, Simon and team!!! 😊❤❤❤
I became very close to a gaslighted following a breakup... eventually cut contact with them because I realized how their behaviors affected me. I don't ever see myself getting back in touch with them. Gaslighting can take more of a toll on a person's mental health than one would ever initially assume.
This happend in my marriage. My ex would always say ”I never said that/did that. You need help you are not well”. I started to doubt my own sanity and started to writing things down with the dates just so that I could see if I was going crazy or if he was lying. It was very helpfull as I could see that I was not insane, I was being gaslit. Very scary stuff. Glad I am not in that relationship anymore.
Five topics to fix society via discussion: -Anti-natalism vs Natalism -The 3 basic needs/prenatal needs Three things necessary for human evolution that are provided while in the womb which are; food, shelter and medical care. -Platinum rule Do whatever makes one happier unless it interferes with another persons ability to do the same. -MBTI (research yours and connect with others) -Art (pick one and get better at it!)
Into the Shadows, with the presentation read by Simon, releasing this less than a day after Warfronts, also with the presentation read by Simon, did a Tulsi Gabbard piece which naturally elicited the gaslighting response of a lot of russian bots out there to attempt to deny or distract from her nature is perfect.
Had an abusive marriage. This video really highlights well all the tools they use to bring you to a state where you don't trust your own intuition and you don't know who you are. It's malicious. Deceitful. Rotten.
Psychopathy and sociopathy aren't formally recognised medical diagnoses. They just sound more professional than "asshole" and "bigger asshole." So I dunno.
Visit gamersupps.gg/ITS, and use code ITS for 10% off on Gamersupps products.
Gaslighting = indirectly and repeatedly using President Trump as the basis for negative video subject's and then denying you're doing it
Please do an episode on institutional retaliation against whistle-blowers if you can! 🎉
Simon you said 100% off, you gotta be careful how you type things, you know how your fingers are nowadays
No Gamer supps ad read will ever beat Meatcanyon's Gamer supps ad read. In fact I don't think any person on UA-cam can beat meat Canyons sponsorship ad reads he puts his heart and soul into them and makes them like an eighties or nineties commercial being played on a old crummy television.
You look a bit like Vsauce Michael
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all use gaslighting,
What light bulb? I changed that yesterday, you are mistaken 😂😂😂
That's a good one! I'm writing that down! 😁🤣
🤣🤣🤣 Thank you for the laugh.
Nice
The comma at the end is messing with me.
I feel like someone has removed half the sentence, but that can't be right... right?
Narcissist's wouldn't do that, removing half a sentence!?
I had a previous partner try to convince me I had early onset Alzheimer’s as part of their gaslighting of me and then became angry when I started carrying moleskin notebooks to note down our conversations in as a means of verification. He went so far as to tare pages out of my notebooks and then claim I had done it. The degree of lasting harm this type of this type of phycological abuse causes cannot be understated and those that engage in it must be avoided at all costs.
I'm obviously very sorry you were in that situation but his line of thinking is so flawed it's actually sort of funny..? "you have the disease that makes you forget!" "okay, I'll carry around notebooks and try to remember more often.." "excuse me how dare you react to having the forgetting disease by trying to remember???"
Holy sh*t that's horrible I really hope your okay arfter that
I feel your pain and I can relate to what you've gone through.
As a survivor, do you have any suggestions for someone who is just now starting to realize what has been going on?
@@blagosphere9000 I realize you're not asking me, but my advice would be to run. Go no contact if you can. If you can't, stay alert. As you learn more and more what to look for, you can begin to see them coming from a mile away, and the better you'll become at letting their toxity just bounce off you while you laugh at their childish temper tantrums. Also, do everything you can to avoid giving them fuel. Anything they learn about you is fair game to turn around and weaponize against you, so the fewer details you can share with them, the better. It is a hard road to travel, but at the end of it you'll be amazed at how free you feel. It's definitely worth the struggle to get out of their clutches. Good luck!! 🤗
Been there and got diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s by my now ex. Luckily, I’m a logician and, once I saw a pattern, did some research, finding the term gaslighting. After that, he had some spectacular rows whenever I refused to accept his version of reality; I say “he” because he went incandescent and argued with himself.
Anyway, every abuser uses the same playbook. I’d recommend everyone else reads “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
I had a family member gaslight me so badly for so long (almost 20 years by the end) that i questioned if i was having memory issues or even dementia. I went to a neuropsychologist for assessment (with the gaslighter coming along to "point out the gaps"). Eventually broke away and started therapy and other testing. turns out i don't have any worse of a memory than anyone else - and i only had "memory issues" with the gaslighter. funny thing that....
it's incredibly insidious and disturbing to experience. I started taking notes of all conversations. This was actually something they encouraged for work. pretty sure they didn't want me to do it with them, but i did. it was very eye opening. they would say something hadn't happened or they hadn't said something, or I had or hadn't said something...and i'd look back in my notes and...yep, there it was.
i'm a very logical, analytical, well-educated person and i was convinced i had some kind of brain damage because of that person. It can happen to anyone. thankfully they live very, very far away from me and no longer have my phone number.
@@maranathaschraag5757 what family member? This ain’t earth.
@@MochoStudiosYT Parents to do this to their children. It results in memory issues (Attention-Deficit), acting out of expectation for context (Hyperactivity), externalized mood disorders (Borderline Personality), and monotropic processing (Autism-Spectrum).
@ what are parents?
@@SeeingBackward Do you know what adding a super hi IQ to the child would do to the equation? And, also, other people doing it not just the parents, maybe a teacher and a friend, all at the same time?
@MochoStudiosYT not sure...always heard rumors, but figured they were fantasy, like aliens or honest politicians
Remember when Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish and you lied and said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
There never was a goldfish, i always found it weird you dragged that bowl everywhere. i didnt want to ask, as i thought you felt safe with it, like a emotional support bowl💀 it fits your unique unhinged style you know i love !
This made me laugh for like 5 minutes.. and now I have to go dig out some old DVDs… and find a DVD player. 🤣
This was something I used to quote but I hadn't thought of it in a long time. Thanks for bringing it to mind
"Pepperidge Farms remembers."
@@lasersandleadbut you never had any DVDs. Else, why wouldn't you have a player?
I just ended a 14 year merrige due to this. I had my friends and family isolated from me. I got to the point of not wanting to have a conversation without a recording. I'm 6mo out of the ordeal and have 50/50 custody of my children. It is very hard. I recommend only communicating through text and email. NEVER do verbal communication regardless of the number of people present. Keep your cool, and remember why you left.
Please, for the sake of your children, understand that this is also happening to them, and will become the basis for their reality.
This doesn't need that you need to necessarily prevent contact between them or adjust custody, but make sure to validate their own ability to use externalized proof rather than succumbing to the emotional manipulation, and that it is because your partner is sick and not that they need to make this a core part of themselves.
I am gonna choose to not trust your judgement because I know a few extremely toxic girls who truly think their boyfriends are gaslighting when they don't. Girls can be real crazy at times. More often guys than girls in my experience, although I could be biased.
I hope you are right and happier at least ✌️
Having lived through this myself and started with 50/50 custody of my children, I cannot reccommend enough getting your kids to safety where they have limited, controlled contact with that person. After and during my divorce, their father who had previously had no interest or interactions with them besides when very grudgingly required, started manipulating and gaslighting them instead, since I wasn't there. He convinced them things they saw and heard never happened, making it out like I was the crazy person and just "out to get him". He ignores and removes all affection, insulting and belittling them any time they even come close to questioning him, often using my children against eachother. He removes memories of things I'd done with my kids, putting himself in my place, when he wasn't even there, just by telling the stories over and over again, but altered. In the end, he had them convinced I didn't want to be their mom any longer, and was completely unrational and unwilling to work with him on anything. I lost the 50/50 custody of my kids because he convinced them they hated me and they weren't safe with anyone but him. Judges and family courts and lawyers are not equipped to understand or recognize abuse that doesn't show physical scars.
Realize you won"t be able to convince your children that their father is wrong or abusive, ever. Trying to do so will only strengthen his position and hold on them, and make you seem worse. Stay steady, loving, and calm. Be their mom, and address their actions and words, leaving him out of it. That's the only way I've been able to slowly (over many years) been able to get any kind of relationship built back up with my kids. Limit contact with the abuser to only business-like text messages that are straightforward and to the point. Avoid all emotion in them, or you can get dragged back in and he will use any emotion against you. Stay strong. You have a long hard, constantly heart-breaking road ahead.
I recommend not having children, Freedom is amazing plus the Earth has enough succubus.
This happened to me...but I was the one gaslighting. I was in an already faltering relationship and we would frequently argue. It wasn't until well after the relationship ended that I realized I was being manipulative and gaslighting her. Now, it had always happened in the throws of an argument, and she was certainly no angel, but what I did was still unfair. In retrospect, I had used it to counter her arguments against me...both valid and invalid, and was a way for me to try and maintain the, "moral high ground".
Realizing what I had done made me think back through my whole life and see if I had done other things that were similar. I can't say I gaslit anyone else, but I definitely do recall being manipulative in my speech at various times in retrospect. It felt like I had a superpower...but all I was doing was being a manipulative a-hole. It was never about anything serious, but my intent to manipulate was definitely there, and that's plenty bad enough.
These things weigh on my subconscious to this day, but it's caused me to be very careful about the words I use and how I use them. Realizing it has made me a better person, but only because I started from a lower place and have finally reached the level of "decent human being". I'm probably being too hard on myself, but the risk to the contrary is too great.
Hopefully this comment will help others look at themselves and do some introspection.
Wow. Feel proud of yourself. Seriously. I don't think many people reach the level of self awareness you have! Good for you!
Thank you so much for sharing this.
In my opinion, introspection is an even greater superpower, benefitting yourself as well as the people around you. 😊
Well done, it's hard to recognise our own failings and even harder to address them 👍
Thank you for an analytical discussion on this form of abuse.
Clearly americans are the most gaslighted ever, half of them think the trump years were glorious not the worst years in america since ww2.
Gaslightings not real... you're just crazy
@cristianschuster9458 🤣🤣🤣
I just left a job where I was gaslighted from my boss for months. It is so sneaky and you really don‘t notice it happening. You slowly start to question your concept of reality and eventually your mental state. It took me months to recover from that, I consider myself a stable person, but this is really something to be aware of, even for the mentally sane
8:00 I almost just burst into tears. My ex uses the your memory is bad and you are probably depressed as his go to responses for any issues that come up. Or for anything he said he would do and just didn’t. He also would do something I called the trick and trap. He would agree to do something that I really needed done. Then he would just decide not to do it, but not say anything to me about it until til it was too late for me to do it. He would also regularly as my preference on things, just to argue with me about my choices. It was so draining. I used to shake constantly and I went 2 years as a shut in, too anxious to leave the house. When I finally got strong enough to ask him to leave, my entire life started improving and because I was away from him and around normal people, I started to realize how insane our relationship was. I’ve never been treated by anyone the way that man treated me. He made me lose hope in life and love. I don’t know if my body will ever overcome the torment I went through.
Well made video, gaslighting is such a difficult thing to fully grasp if you've never experienced it
It's literally just causing you to question your own sanity through subtle deception or manipulation.
@@SubvertTheState It's something I hope all people never have to deal with.
Infamous gaslighting phrases I heard growing up:
1. You're overreacting.
2. Oh come on, it wasn't really that bad.
3. You're imagining things.
4. That's not what I said.
5. That's not what happened.
6. Just get over it, you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.
7. There are worse things than that.
8. You never did *insert x*
9. That's not what YOU said (yeah you know you're in deep when you question the words coming out of your own mouth.)
10. You're upset. Well talk about it when you calm down (and then you know... Never discussing what actually upset you)
11. You're the one who started this, not me.
If you have a gaslighting parent like me, that'll be a common thing they'd say too.
12 My partner involved others. Getting me so angry and muddled, I might cry in frustration and yell, and he would tell my kids "look mom having tantrums,isn't she a silly baby."
Yeah, about covers it. Except, 'I might have said/done that, but YOU made me!' Often it's easier to observe the incidence (rarity) of authentic self-reflection and calm acceptance of any flaws. If they are uncommon and fuzzily described, it's obfuscation.
@@ozkaz13 To some degree, manipulating you into acting out their feelings may be a goal?
I was called "overdramatic" by my mom for being scared to be left alone with my dad. My dad was horribly abusive.
(She divorced him in my teens over his profligate adultery.)
Recently she told me (adult me in my early 50's) that she doesn't take my thoughts and feelings very seriously, because I'm "so dramatic."
I found this jarring. I consider myself to be a more practically-oriented person than she is.
I've decided that trusting her with my thoughts and feelings is a bit silly.
She's had therapy. She's had decades to start taking me seriously.
She's always been fairly distant, cold, and selfish.
I also look back at my own toxic marriage, and see that I selected a partner who was like mom. Not in a good way, obviously.
There's another way to protect yourself from gaslighters, and that is to journal your conversation. Always journal about what those gaslighters said immediately, or as quickly as possible. That way, if the gaslighter were to say, "I'll take you to the movie" only for him to say, "I never agreed on taking you to a movie" then the gaslighting becomes less effective. Of course, journaling won't hold them accountable, but it can help you stay sane.
I started doing that with my narc mom in high school. I would immediately write down everything she said. Of course then she would deny ever having said it. I eventually went no contact with her.
Yeah, you can absolutely detect lies by inconsistencies. If it doesn't logically make sense, you know they're full of shit.
Voice recorders do wonderfully at painting accurate pictures...
@@Toshineko I can see how this would be helpful for someone to keep anchored in their own reality, but I don't see this being useful as evidence presented in a dispute. I can easily see the tables being turned about how you've become obsessed that you must keep such a detailed account, how it's unhinged and only [random group of people considered lower than the lowest scum] do such things and how maybe you should really consider seeing a psychiatrist because you seriously need help. Besides, everything you wrote is inaccurate because it's either a lie or you misunderstood or completely ignored half of the conversation, omitting the parts that absolve them of all wrongdoing. How dare you simply omit more than half the conversation. How can they trust you from now on if you're going to so intentionally misrepresent them and make them look bad? You're going to have to put forth some effort if you want to earn back any trust.
@Lexxington67 sorry, I was replying as someone for whom it backfired. I'm sorry if I overreacted! 😊
“These aren’t the droid you are looking for…”
"These aren't the droids were looking for"
My now Ex used to do this to me. They would fly into fits of rage and shout and threaten me with violence, Once they had calmed down they would then claim that it was me that did all the anger and it was completely unprovoked, meanwhile they hadn't done a thing.
I honestly believe I had ended up being married to a person with a personality disorder. Even now they show no remorse for their actions and never had done, so I'm convinced that they are also a psychopath.
The divorce was a nightmare; they waited until I was out the house for a couple of weeks then got a solicitor to send me a letter stating I was a threat to them and it also said that if I went back to the house they would call the police on me.
They lied on the divorce petition with such crazy accusations that my solicitor was convinced that the judge would reject the petition, but they could see pretty quickly that I needed to get out of this abusive relationship. It took 1 year and 8 months to get the divorce completed as my ex wouldn't stop lying to the solicitor.
Anyhow I'm out of it now. I was probably heading for an early death with all the stress I had to endure on a daily basis.
Not feeling guilty about their abuse doesn't make him a psychopath but a narcist. My mother is 1 of those, and she still doesn't understand why I distrust her so much. She thinks her only sin is not giving me a bigger house growing up. I can't trust a word she says because she will say something completely contradictory days later and refuse to admit anything different. That's how I recognized the gaslighting and distanced myself from her. She's my mother, so I can't completely cut her off. I'm lucky I have the self-confidence to recognize when someone is contradicting themselves and am stubborn enough to believe in my own memories. That's how I recognize gaslighting now. Trust your instincts. If you think they said something different earlier, but they are adamant they didn't, believe yourself. Your instincts are never wrong.
It's an overused term today, but my ex is a true sociopathic narcissistic. After we split up I had to essentially deprogram myself like someone leaving a cult. I was convinced black was white and up was down purely because that fit her reality as explained to me.
Eventually it gets to the point when they don't have to lie or come up with an excuse. You, by default, come up with one for them in which they did nothing wrong and you probably just don't remember it correctly. Like most others with her personality she was a master at claiming victimhood while attacking and trying to destroy anyone that didn't go along with her. Nothing was ever her fault. Anything that went wrong with either someone else's fault, or an outcome that couldn't have been seen and the result of outside influences.
A mutual friend from that time describes it like watching a vampire. She finds people to control. (Those that called her out on her BS too early are quickly banished.) Then drains them of whatever they have that is useful for her. When done, they are discarded. Usually with accusations of doing something bad enough for others to cut contact with them.
Rinse, repeat. Move on to the next victims.
G'day,
There there, commiserations indeed.
I too married a PsychoCeramic (Cracked Pot), I stayed there for 7 years, and then the Custody Case lasted 9 years...; on my 14th wedding anniversary I learned that both my two stepsons were in separate Psychiatric institutions...., in the final spasm of LegalEagleBeagle&Briefcase, my wife (not yet divorced - because that would mean her agreeing to sign something I had also signed...!) lost 4 Cases in 4 Jurisdictions in 4 calendar weeks...
My children thus finally were rescued from my own exceedingly bad taste in Partners (Acquired Shit-Magnet Effect!) ; but a fortnight later my eldest stepson succumbed to the toxicity of his childhood, and passed away before turning 21...
When I recognised how I had come to develop such foul taste in Partners, I resolved to remain happily single, and to not inflict Daddy's latest Girlfriend Fantasy onto my children...; and thus my two kids grew up to be happy and functional...
The trick is to recognise when one's partners are becoming sequentially worse, and stop there ; without proceeding to the next bad choice...(!).
In my experience.
And, beware of the
Principle of Equal Damage...
One is generally attractive to someone who has been equally emotionally damaged, in their own previous experiences - it's what makes the couple relatable to each other..., apparently.
Such is life,
Live a good one.....
Stay safe.
;-p
Ciao !
Why do you use the pronoun they, when you talk about a certain woman?
I can see the point of using THEY when you mean he or she.
But in this case, it seems strange.
It's an honest question from an English teacher in Germany.
@@christopherconard2831The Perry menopause can make the behaviour unbearable.
I love Simon! Even though he is a just on my laptop he kind of keeps me company when I don't really have any! I really appreciate you Simon!
It is more than just Simon. I am here, and every other commenter too. So thank you ianker, for being here for me. In a comfortably distant way. 🙂
My ex has BPD, and my Dad has NPD. They both gaslight on accident and on purpose. Thankfully, I've cut contact with both. I have a lot more peace now that I'm not constantly having people play games with my emotions.
People lying to warp your reality isnt ever a casual accident. Its a malignant behavior.
I was married to a psychopathic gaslighter. I was in real fear for my sanity, and started writing things down, and he tried to convince me that I was still not asking him or telling him the things I had written down. I had him sign them, and he *still* tried to tell me I was forging his signature. I moved out the next week. It messed me up for a long time. This was over 30 years ago. I'm a retired RN, and was an RN at that time. He almost had me convinced I was too crazy to go back to work after having our child, had cut me off from all friends, family, moved us two states away. Folk, emotional abuse is a lot easier to accomplish on someone than you think it is, and it is subtle at first. If you have a family member, male or female, that is suddenly falling out of contact, DRIVE there and go see them and make SURE they are ok. They can't be cut off if you make sure you are still showing up.
Most narcissists have very high charisma to attract many.
So sometimes it is hard to defend or leave/cut them off for these narcissists is almost impossible.
For those who have escaped and now live a happy life. I congratulate you. Not everyone has good friends or family to help or are strong themselves or that fortunate.
My family was once controlled by a narcissist and gaslighter who tried to gain control by being the sole point of contact for all of us. It wasn't until we agreed to always check with one another if she said "So and so said x about you" that we retook control. After that she slid into obscurity. It was a near thing, though.
@@donaldwert7137Kim Nasso?
@@zenjon7892 No. Isn't it frustrating how many there are out there, though?
It really helps to have someone to ground you during gaslighting attempts. My bestfriend is that person. I am eternally grateful to her for being my rock.
True, but there are still ways to make your life more tolerable even if you're stuck with a narc. As long as you realise what's going on. Those who haven't realised though... there's no way of really helping them until they decide to take a long, hard look at what's going on with their lives.
As a seasoned veteran of two marriages with psychologically abusive narcissists, I truly believe that the movie's depiction of the hint of a threat of violence without ever actually occurring is spot on. I believe that they attempt to refrain from physical abuse simply because physical injury is harder to gaslight away... though not impossible.
Sounds like your the issue, I’m not going to lie.
My soon to be ex wife tried gaslighting me so much when she cheated and left the family, I’m a very calm and collected person, in 13 years of knowing each other I had never even raised my voice to her. She left with claims of me financially abusing her (I sold collectors items to give her money to help her secure a place), made claims I was stalking her, went to the police claiming I had raised a fist at her (this after she had told me I had made a fist by my side one time which I have no memory of ever doing), claims I had given her a recording device, and many others.
She has slagged me off so much to people to justify her behaviour, while I have just focused on protecting the kids. She has even made me doubt myself and I have talked to my psychologist about concerns I am a narcissist and abusive and not aware of it. It has really shattered my self belief.
@@michaelmcdonough4657 Of course I have issues, I would never attempt to deny that at all, but that does not negate or excuse the treatment I have endured for the last 30 years, and it has no bearing on why I believe someone might avoid being physically abusive.
im genuinely curious how women, nearly all women, manage to continuously get into relationships with people who are at most 4% of the population. Like how does one person manage to pull this off let alone the absolutely overwhelming majority of women?
@@Snake369 Your perception is hardly the reality.
My wife has disassociated amnesia. I have to be careful with her because SHE will think she said something that she never said, and I cannot remember. So I just have to accept it
If she's under stress, she doesn't form memories. It took us a while to understand why she couldn't remember stuff
Like once we were at a therapist together and she had a half hour conversation and literally didn't even remember being there. At all.
You’re a wonderful person for standing by her with acceptance and understanding 🌸
You were just gaslit. His wife has no mental problems. He just tells her she does.
@@leomovalthat was not gaslighting, it was a lie. Not all lies are gaslighting.
Gaslighting isn't making someone you believe you, it is making someone not believe themselves.
@@andiward7068
Ok andiward. I'll be nice and spell it out. I wasn't serious. Thank you for your fact check. Our country owes you one.
I actually had a therapist try to gaslight me. We were only a couple sessions in and I was discussing my condition. She said "Oh, I have some materials on that", reached down for a bag that wasn't there, then said "Oh, I must've left it at home. Would you like me to bring them in next week?". I said sure. The following week we got to the end of the session and she hadn't brought it up, so I asked if she'd brought them in. In an overly sweet tone, she said "Gosh, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even have any materials on that. Are you sure that's what I said?"
I recorded our next session after that and then realized, if you feel the need to record your therapy sessions to make sure you're not crazy, dump that therapist 😂 I never saw her again.
It was a good lesson in "Trust your gut". I had a very clear sinking feeling when I met with her, but because she sounded nice and said all the right things, I thought something was wrong with me. Nah. Your instincts pick up on non-verbal cues that your conscience mind won't register at first. It doesn't matter why they give you the heeby-jeebies. Just believe it and get away from them.
💯👍
Some therapist are very broken people with weird issues, one friend of mine got one that tried to convince her being gay was her fault and she needs to convert herself to be normal ... She dump her on the spot
And i had a friend that was a clinical therapist that was so obsesive she used to stalked her ex ... Like literally follow him just to check if what he said was "true" and she Will call him to SEE if he pick up RIGHT away .... Girl that weird af, You have no RIGHT having clients 😂
Gaslighting doesn’t exist, you’re just imagining things
😂😂😂
Sounds like something a gaslighter would say.
It died with electricity.
@@jorgelotr3752 no it exploded
If you believe it exists you're insane
Simon: this is a very accurate analysis of gaslighting. It wasn’t until our father passed away that we found out why our mother was so difficult to live with. It turns out she was diagnosed narcissistic, bipolar, and was unmedicated for over 20 years. I am familiar with every single one of these tactics. They both passed away 10 years ago and only 10 months between each other. As much as I miss my father, I know that my life is in a better place because my mother is not here. And don’t worry, I’ve gotten professional help over the years. I have come to terms of the fact that I don’t hate my mother, but I don’t miss her. Mainly because I realize that another I do miss was gone over 20 years ago. Hopefully this is helpful to someone. Ana can get better.
It is unfortunate that our society cares more about shame and stigma and thus continues to expose children to gaslighters without their knowledge leading them to have fantastical beliefs as adults, rather than acknowledge to the children that the person is ill and they should not base their ideas about reality on what they say.
I came out of an incredibly abusive relationship a year ago. Telling my family was so hard, but it turns out they knew. He gaslit me into thinking I was stupid, unattractive, fat and that I should be grateful for his attention. He bullied me in every way possible and used my disability against me. He made me think I had hearing problems and early onset dementia
I'm so sorry, I'm glad you got out & that your family supported you 🩷. I've been there, it's so hard to escape.
When we know better, we do better. You are beautiful. You matter. 💖
Try changing your youtube handle to something like "ConfidentWoman"
@@mb-3faze thanks! I've fallen into a brilliant relationship with the best guy ever who constantly makes me feel good about myself and tells me how much he loves me. He understands I've ptsd and does everything he can to not set it off. He's the best
@@wonky_shoebox7514 Genuinely happy for you x
Wouldn’t it be funny if he just deleted this video?
What video?
What video would he delete???
😂 mandela effect
You weren’t even watching UA-cam, how could you have seen a video?
He already has
thanks for making this video, i went through hell in a relationship for years filled with gaslighting constantly and this made me feel like i wasn't insane and not just from the same brain the brought me to the insanity in the first place lol.
You're crazy. That never happened. You always exaggerate.
I was in a relationship for years where this was being done to me. I didn't have a word for it for a long time. As soon as I found out what gaslighting was, I felt so validated. They also separated me from all family and friends I had, prevented me from making new friends, and made me completely reliant on them. It made me feel totally insane, like I was living in a false reality. I still get extremely stressed out when someone suggests that I am remembering things incorrectly. One of the worst things that happened was when they drugged me and then told me I "blacked out after one drink," and that I was "acting crazy in front of everyone." I actually believed it. It happened two times. I've never blacked out before, or since those incidents.
Oh my goodness, that's terrifying! I'm truly sorry they ever did that to you and that you got out!
Trust your instincts. Your instincts are never wrong. No one knows what you remember better than yourself. I came out of my gaslighting mother with a stubborn conviction to reject anyone who says I'm remembering things wrong.
Same here
@ToudaHell oh, trust me. I can definitely tell when people are doing it now, and absolutely don't allow it. I even realized because of it that my mom did it to me, too lol.
@@DaltonTaylor-p7o I'm sorry that you're also a victim of this. I hope you are okay
I have been there personally. I wasn’t the gaslighter, it was my partner, then wife, who was very spoilt, and had very wealthy parents, and a father that dotted on her. It was not a nice experience. The consequences and ramifications were absolutely devastating.
I was with a malignant narc for a decade. She had me gaslit into thinking everything was my fault, even thing's that couldn't possibly be my fault lol😂.
You lived through "Gone Girl" in real life. 😮
I reckon we could go through the no-doubt, thousands of comments here and not find one single person who will admit to being a gaslighter. (It's *doted* btw :) - but slightly funny they way you wrote it :) )
One aspect I would amend is that the narcissist can create flying monkeys. And if that is their own therapist and doctor.
Then you have a bad time as the partner who tried to help and bring them to therapy .
Because the therapist will actively try to work against you and for his patient .
This went so far in my case that I had to secretly record how I was threatened to be killed in a calm and convinced manner that my partner has the right to murder me if I am annoying in any way (not sticking to the sleep schedule to the minute in this case).
Then it stopped
Wow!
After many years of gaslighting from someone I found written evidence of what they had done, but it came too late as that person had died and to expose them at that point would have no point other than to make me look bitter and petty.
Ugh, that's the worst! I'm sorry friend 🩷.
You can never expose a gaslighter, because they just gaslight the people you would expose them to.
This is the phenomenon known as "flying monkeys," and will just result in more people organized against you.
Unfortunately, until humans realize that what we know call "charisma" was called originally "auctoritas" by the Romans (meaning "authority" as in "the author of your worldview"), and that it's exactly what enables the worst behavior among humanity, this will continue to happen.
You described my wife to a scary accurate degree, and then described me and the steps I started taking to try and preserve my sanity and prove reality to a disturbing tee. She is a master gas lighter. I started documenting conversations. Recording conversations. Playing them back later when she would flip the script and claim I was misremembering. And somehow she would convince me to delete the videos/documentation and then start gas lighting me again about what happened. I'm currently divorcing her.
Hence the question many ask of... do they do this to themselves as well?
Soon as you deleted that message, did she also delete it in her own mind?
In my experience "described to a scary accurate degree" is a super common response that victims of this have. It's not that one or two behaviors fit, it's that they all do.
@@lostbutfreesoul after I deleted the documentation/videos, the next time it would come up she would immediately say it happened a different way, and if I was correct about how it happened, why would I delete the evidence? then somehow, the very next time I would be documenting things, she would convince me to delete them.
and everything, everything always "my sh*tty memory's fault" "Zack, you're the one with memory problems so who do you think is most likely misremembering?"
it was a living hell. but to answer your question, near the end I stopped deleting the evidence. and what I've learned through this divorce is she remembers the truth about how things happened, she just doesn't care. she changes the story just to try and make her self either look good, or to mess with me. but she knows the truth, she just is addicted to the lying
@@ZackBurnsOG I was lucky, they attempted to do this to me and almost succeeded. After the break up I went through my phone to clear everything related to them out of it but something stopped me from flat out deleting it all, instead I moved everything to a place where I wouldn't come across it accidentally and relive painful memories.
A couple days later when we did end up speaking again, they asked me to delete everything under the guise of that there may have been things that I had from the relationship that now that it was over I didn't need to have (pictures, logins etc). I showed them there was nothing left on the phone already and they seemed happy. Fast forward a couple months and they began smearing me and claiming all sorts of things that weren't true. While I didn't try to defend myself because it would be pointless (everyone pretty much ignored them anyways), it did cause me to worry about if I was misremembering things. Up until then I had forgotten about the folder but once this started happening I remembered it and started going through it. What I found was two things, first, I didn't have any of the things they were concerned about saved and second, what they said happened was a complete twisting of the facts.
If someone ever tells you to delete things, take it as a red flag and look into why they might want that.
I've heard the term covert narcissist, but I didn't realize it's associated with people who think that their life is uniquely miserable and unfixable. That really makes me reflect on a past relationship I had.
It isn't. He's conflating Covert with Vulnerable. Covert Narcissists is "covert " in that the destructive behaviours are often only experienced by direct family, or even just their partner, which is in itself crazy making.
Vulnerable is a type, like Grandiose (which is by definition Overt narcissism), or Malignant.
@@Lomunist From checking some posts and articles, it seems that the terms are often used interchangeably, but vulnerable does seem to be the more appropriate classification.
Gaslighting also frequently happens in families to hide inconvenient facts or family skeletons. Had it happen to me over a will, I saw it, it was discussed (and later proven to exist) but two family members had me convinced for a short time that I imagined it and it made me start to doubt my memories/sanity.
The type of people who use it to hide those inconvenient facts or family skeletons are exactly the ones who would also allow those facts and skeletons to be created, because they're going to take what they want anyway and it's just a matter of making it work for them amongst everyone else, and gaslighting is the easiest (and most legal) way to get everyone else to comport with the reality that they want everyone to believe exists.
@@SeeingBackward Very true.
I was with a covert narcissist for 2.5 years before I met my husband back in 2021. He used to do this to me all the time. It got so bad, I didn't even trust my own feelings or reactions to his abuse. That's why they do it... To break you down so that they can use, misuse and abuse you and you won't question it.
My ex was THE premier gaslighter. She would gaslight me by accusing me of gaslighting.
GOSH! It probably wasn't THAT bad
@ You're right, it probably wasn't. Love you!
Uno reversed 😂
Same. My ex once even admitted she had been gaslighting me to further gaslight me.
My soon to be ex wife did the same shit all the time
Thank you so much for such an informative, concise, yet thorough explanation of this! I've been looking for an answer to this all year, but all I've been able to find is rambling posts from armchair psychiatrists. Thanks for the clarification of the origin too, a big part of my confusion is that the name made no sense to me.
I fell prey to this tactic and it cost me dearly. I didn’t even realize how intensely I was being manipulated for almost a year after removing myself from the situation. Now I don’t have any desire for a relationship or even friendship. The idea is nice, but I don’t trust my judgment of other people anymore. Maybe he wasn’t aware of what he was doing….or maybe he was just evil. 😂
Thanks for the video Simon. Good script Kevin, thanks.
When you've spent your whole life obsessed with fact-checking every piece of information you consume, but especially your thoughts and feelings.
And then it turns out you've been gaslit by your mother ever since before you could form concise memories.
Holy shit.
From Team Four Star's HFIL episode:
Cell: "Is this gaslighting? Am I being gaslit?"
Frieza: "If I were gaslighting you, you'd never know it."
Cell: "Is THAT gaslighting?"
Frieza: "Shut up."
I don’t want to say too much, but I know more about this topic than I really care to admit. However, I will.
I don’t have a therapist or anyone else to really lay this on. So I’ll take advantage of anonymity and this opportunity.
I wasn’t broken from the abuse perpetrated
by a romantic partner, an employer, a friend,
or anyone else of the sort.
My fucking mom did this shit to me from day one. I’m 33 years old now, still struggling to adapt.
Ever since I can remember anything, I have repeatedly given myself over to people who have similarly taken advantage of me.
I did so willingly, thinking it was completely normal. Now I know, I am alone, and nobody fucking cares.
I spend a lot more time by myself these days,
I guess that’s an improvement.
basically the biggest tell that someone is Gaslighting you is there refusal to take any responsibility combined with accusations of insanity/paranoia/irrationality. if this is there response when challenged then you have you're answer.
85 years?! I first heard of it in the 1944 film Gaslight. I was too young to understand it but was terrified every time the lights dimmed. I never knew the name of the movie until I looked up "gaslighting" recently. I finally recognized that it was that movie that frightened me so much as a child.
I had some heated arguments with my ex about things she’d say to me that hurt my feelings. Whenever I pointed out what she said, she’d deny it or claim I was twisting her words. So, I decided to record our conversations. She got even angrier and started yelling at me, accusing me of not loving her and saying she no longer trusted me. It was like trying to reach someone through a brick wall. The best thing I did was to end things with her.
I was once at the receiving end in the work environment. I'd had a poor relationship with the deputy finance director. She often made unreasonable requests and demonstrated a poor understanding of basic arithmetic (e.g. she thought if division A grew by 2% and division B grew by 10%, then the combined growth would be 12%). The gaslighting came when she waited until 5pm before asking me for a particular piece of work that she needed before a 9am meeting the next day. It would be about a day's worth of work. So I pulled an all nighter. By the morning, when I handed the work over, she looked at me puzzled and claimed she'd never asked for it and asked me why I thought she would. I had hoped I'd outlast her, but I resigned shortly afterwards.
Had an ex gaslight me all the time. I suspected he was seeing another (married) woman we worked with and he'd tell me I'm making stuff up in my head. I also knew he was messaging another woman. Turns out, not only was he with her all the damn time, he was also planning his escape with another woman on the other side of the country 😂 Forget the love triangle, the love quadrangle is where it's at
One of my exes did the same. She kept saying I am the cheater in the relationship and blatantly denied her affairs (her ex, two random guys and one of my ex friends). Luckily she kept all the social media conversations with those guys and I managed to get my hands on those conversations. When I confronted her with the hard evidence, she flipped out and still tried to deny the affairs, obviously blaming me for what she did. The worst part is that during our relationship, she kept going on about how toxic her ex was. She usually was in tears when she spoke about him. She even mentioned how he "graped" her. Turns out that incident was actually planned by both of them (a fantasy they shared) and they executed that within the first month that she and I were dating. To top it off : they kept seeing each other infrequently during the first three/four years of she and I dating. Yet once or twice a month I had to console her when she cried about how horrible her ex was. Usually every time after she and I had a fight. It was a tactic she used to gain my sympathy. But hey, you live and you learn. Just never forget the red flags.
Recently got out of a long relationship with someone who gaslit me at an industrial level. Really messed me up. You really can psychologically destroy someone. What sucks most is the Stockholm Syndrome that I have for her, even though I logically, without a shadow of a doubt, know that everything she did was wrong. Tough pill to swallow for sure. Life goes on, but healing from that is an exceptionally steep climb.
I have a friend they do have bipolar, so would always say they were an unreliable narrator. The thing they described their partner doing to them was not good. First was financial abuse, emotional manipulation and definitely gaslighting. They always chose the therapist for my friend and had a meeting with them first. Once a therapist told my friend their partner "didn't have time" to gaslight them. I still wish i could have gotten them out.
The only way to recognize attempted gaslighting is to have experienced it and come out the other side. My mother is a narcist, and she has gaslit me for decades before I mentally broke away from her. I rarely listen to anything she says anymore. Just skim the conversations for the important bits like what her doctor said during her latest appointment. A few years back, a former boss tried to gaslight me, and I recognized the behavior because of my mother. I started writing things down just in case I needed to verify things with the government in case they did an audit, i was his bookkeeper and office manager. Thank goddess, there were good people around me, and the auditors saw through his bullshit when he tried to blame every problem there on me. Gaslighting is the worst type of abuse I had to endure, and I've been through them all.
Simons facial expressions during all the narcissist talk was almost of concern lol
This concept is usually why conflicts even exist.
The narc will do unjust things to others. And then stand behind their actions.
While normal people just want their own life. Which the narc is strongly opposed to.
Anyone who has a narcissistic family member didn't need to look it up.
Thank you thank you…I cannot thank you enough. Even now I doubt myself. Even now! But your very clear and analytical breakdown has made it abundantly clear what happened to me for all those years. It’s still so devastating. I am so grateful for this video. Whenever I start to doubt I’ll be pulling this up.
Gaslighting is so over used. People make claims that others use it to silence opinions and, moreso, facts, they don't agree with
Yeah but people actually use similar techniques for those purposes
I had two exes in a row who gaslit me but in different ways. The first one I'm fairly certain believed the things that he said to me and we both were recording conversations out of frustration but when his recordings didn't match his claims, he would accuse me of tampering with his recordings. When my recordings matched my claims, he would claim I tampered with the recordings or he would just change the subject as if we weren't having that conversation 5 seconds ago.
The next one was less angry and didn't yell very often, really the only time I remember him yelling was when I decided to end the relationship and that he needed to move out. Over a period of 5 years, he slowly chipped away at my confidence with little things about how if it wasn't for him I wouldn't remember to pay the bills on time, how I supposedly couldn't get certain things done without him.
After a while I started to think a bit deeper about it and wondered how I did those things with no issues before he was a part of my life but now apparently couldn't which didn't make a lot of sense.
I wanted him to go hiking or do stuff with me, but he would turn it around and say that we never did anything he wanted to do so I wouldn't push the issue but when asked what he wanted to do, he would say go to a bar or something like that, but then would never actually go to a bar. He said things that made me question my intelligence and boasted about being smarter than me. We were both in college. He was staying at home but also doing college. I was working full time and going to college at the same time. He got mad at me for not praising his grades like a mother would probably do. I didn't see the point and then when I saw his grades, I realized my grades were higher despite me working full time. Then he said it was because my school wasn't as difficult as his.
My kids both hated him. When I was stationed in South Korea, he had manipulated those kids into walking on eggshells around me when I first got back because apparently, he was saying I would get mad about things that I really did not care about. I had offered many times to send extra money home for them to do fun stuff, but he had told them that we were broke and couldn't afford to do anything. They even said odd things about "the money" or lack thereof that we supposedly didn't have which was not true at all.
He had my oldest waking him up for college and would scold him if he didn't wake him up which is so backwards. He would get my oldest to do a set of chores and say they switch every 2 weeks, but for those two weeks, he wouldn't do any of the chores he assigned himself and then he would switch them and then accuse my oldest of not doing them because it didn't get done. That kid didn't know who's chores were what week and was getting manipulated into doing all of them while my ex did nothing at all but sit around and watch tv when not at college. I was beyond furious when I got home. He had also taken all phone and internet privileges away from my son for over 8 months as a punishment for something not even punishworthy. The kid was only allow to use the internet with my ex directly observing which meant my son couldn't even tell me how bad things were until I got home and saw it for myself. I had no clue.
I didn't see the second one as abuse until I saw what he did to the kids and also how different things were when I was away from him in Korea and I realized I could do all those things without him telling me to do them, that while my memory isn't great, it was certainly better than he claimed it was.
The whole thing was a massive nightmare. I've been away from him for 6 years and it still impacts my life sometimes.
What is worse then being in a relationship with a partner who is gaslighting you, is realizing you were gaslighting too.
Monsters can turn good people into monsters too. Don't beat yourself up.
@ My sentence structure was a bit lacking. I didn’t mean to send the message that I was a victim. I was as guilty as my partner. I just didn’t realize how problematic I was until it was too late. Since, I have lived and learned.
Gaslighting not just for relationships but also for doctors any doctor from a hospital is guilty of that majorly
First thing that comes to mind is Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham. That series was crazy.
The way I had to do a double take and questioned if I’ve really been gaslit when Simon mentioned “not all gaslighting is actually gaslighting” only to hear his descriptions of like basic lying and it was like okay yeah no, it wasn’t that in the slightest lol.
When you’re being gaslit, the best option is to completely cut ties, but if that isn’t an option at the very least keep those ties as loose as possible. Unfortunately the narcissists in my life are a parent and grandparent. Cutting ties with them would mean cutting ties with the people around them - my little siblings who are stuck under our parent’s thumb until they can move out, or my immediate family members who are my grandparent’s caregiver. So I stay as far as arm’s length as possible, make sure that those who are in the worst of it know I’m there for them if they need it, and really only visit with the narcissist directly when I don’t have much of a choice. Makes the interactions much more functional because I’m not a direct target of their abuse, and when they start pulling shit I just back away again.
Not exactly the healthiest method I have no doubt, but unfortunately as you said, cutting ties entirely is much easier said than done.
Ugh. Married to a narcissist for a short time. Gaslighting can be so devastating, especially when done in such cunning ways.
To put a humorous slant to the gaslighting my ex was doing, I called it a Jedi Mind Trick. "These aren't the droids you're looking for. He can go about his business. Move along." I really thought I was under some sort of spell that prevented me from critical thinking anymore....until I was free from that relationship. The alarming part is that "narcissism" and the use of gaslighting seems to be spreading like a virus. Although, it's probably all in my head.
Great job! Thank you for doing this. Love your in-depth videos. Please do one on love booming?
God, please no. This comment section is bad enough. I don't want to hear any more of Reddit on UA-cam. All you get is a bunch of people telling their one-sided stories, never taking any accountability, and accusing anyone who they had a problem with their life of being a narcissist. It is so unproductive. The terms thrown around with impunity have lost all meaning because they are overused and misused. These people appear on social media platform comment sections for a reason. So they can get validation for their one-sided story from a bunch of people that are ignorant as to the facts of their situation.
If you want a love bombing video, there are about 1000 already on topic related channels where these people can run free and trauma dump all over each other.
I work in mental health and have to had to help people with abusive partners who engaged in this kind of behaviour. Yet, I didn't see it in my own 5 year relationship until after it was over. There are still have times where I question my own sanity despite having no contact with my abuser for over 2 years now.
Besides the advice in this video, I highly recommend to anyone who has experienced this kind of abuse to seek out a therapist and a psychiatrist if possible. It is not easy to recover from but there is hope. What they did to you is reflective of their abusive behaviour, and not you as a person.
BPD is usually always "gaslighted" as bipolar disorder.
😂
I see where that could be true. As I was in a relationship with a person with BPD and have known someone who had Bipolar disorder
BPD shares a lot of symptoms with bipolar. It can be very difficult to diagnose it. "Easy way" to tell is to give them antidepressants and see if it makes them manic. Most mental health professionals don't want to take the risk.
BPD is actually a personality disorder, whereas Bipolar. is a mood disorder. Some differences to distinguish between them is that the fear of abandonment is high in BPD and the switch between the phases of mania and depression last longer in bipolar, whereas BPD suffers from rapid, erratic and impulsive mood swings when they dissociate
@@Christosp314 Exactlyyy, so misunderstood. When I explain to others, I explain that the BP is to seasons as BPD is to weather
My dad does this. He sent me back home after one day, he keeps at his point it was two days. Tbh if it was two days i wouldnt have minded it so much as i do, since i would go home anyway. I keep to my version. I havent seen him in 2 years at this point. Even the proof of my planner wasnt enough to convince him and he still questions my memory.
Actually, I believe it’s called *Gaslamping*
that made me chuckle, have a free internet point
That’s what they said, are you sure you’re reading and hearing correctly? 😜
I assure you that gaslighters of all ilks are more often aware of what they’re doing than not. And some will use calculated implied threats, if not actual violence, to reinforce their control if they perceive that their madness-inducing tricks are failing.
Otherwise, this is a textbook expose of the bar studs 👍
In order to fall for gaslighting, you must trust others more than yourself. That I do not do. I take everything people tell me with a grain of salt. Especially if they are really trying to convince me of something just because they say so. I would not have an idea or scenario in my head if it did not happen or I did not see evidence to support my claims. Trust yourself more than other people
Sadly, not an option for everyone. People with ADHD are probably very vulnerable to gaslighting, because a lot of people with ADHD really do regularly forget to pass on important information, do important tasks, keep track of their things or even notice objects in their environment. When you know for a fact that your memory is fallible, trust in your own memory is a lot harder to come by and...frankly,.impractical.
Don't be so sure. Distrustful people can be gaslighted if you take account of their distrust in your tactics.
Trust me, no one is immune if you love someone enough- no matter how smart you are.
It's seldom emphasized how often this behaviour shows up in one's family of origin. In which case, you can't just outsmart them, fend them off, or even see through what they are doing. It's hard for a small child to "trust themselves more than other people", particularly if your parents are involved.
@@Talisguy
I have inattentive hyperactivity disorder, but to compensate I learned a ton of retention methods. Including taking compulsive notes and some active memory exercises
Someone with ADHD gets used to questioning there own recollection, and eventually they ether become slightly absentminded adults, or exactly the worst kid of people to try to gaslight.
The former tend to shrug off the minor issues a gaslighter tends to start with as perfectly normal behavior for them, which can short cercut the responsive gaslight feedback loop, and the latter tends to use obsessive notes and techniques like using memory palaces with every day conversations which very quickly reveals to them responsive gaslighting. The end result is in both cases that it usually takes active methods, like changing someones notes, to gaslight an adult with ADHD, barring other issues
Point is, with the right tools ADHD isn't as vulnerable to this as you might think, though the use of the tools makes you seem paranoid and slightly distrustful of other people's memories.
Thanks Simon, there has been a proliferation of UA-camrs and other Internet Commentators on this issue. I for one have been manipulated by my siblings for decades and no longer interact with most of them since our mother died. Two particular older siblings are masters of the trade. They are also two who could never hold onto a romantic relationship for too long.
This guy is like 'huh, so that's what's been going on?"
Excellent video as always thanks Simon
Unfortunately, nearly every relationship I ever entered was with someone suffering from NPD, DID, Anxiety, BPD, Depression, OCD, and other disastrous, volatile disorders which almost always destroyed those (flawed) relationships. Additionally, independent of my intimate relationships, I've met a LOT of individuals who were also really broken in extraordinarily toxic ways. I did my best over the past 30+ years, but from my experiences over those decades... I don't think even a fraction of people who abuse others via their mental malaises are identified. It's pretty obvious why, too; they'd NEVER admit to any wrongdoing nor would they allow anyone to suggest that they were an NPDer, DIDer, etc. Sadly, there's neither a cure for any of these mental illnesses nor are the victims permitted to talk about their impossibly difficult situations. Even Johnny Depp was nearly destroyed by a narcissistic megalomaniac, and he's wealthy, powerful, influential, popular, etc.! Poor, non-powerful, unknown people (both male & female) would simply be told that THEY are the problem. 😕 And that'd be the end of it; no evidence necessary.
I just resigned from a job that had a narcissist in the same department. Frustration over her gaslighting had already caused another coworker to quit. It’s weird that I never realized I was being manipulated until my coworker started pointing out the conversations, things that made me question my judgment and instead rely on the narcissist’s judgment. I’m glad to be getting out! 😊
I had to watch. Brings me back to my psycopath father. Keep you questioning reality & isolated. Best thing that man ever dud fir me was die.
I needed this video. Mid this year I had someone basically convince me I had been inappropriate with childern online. It ruined my life to the point I actually believed I had done the things they said even though I couldn’t remember the things they said I’d done. It got to the point I thought I needed to turn myself into the police…..just in case. I have a Working With Children check for my job every year as well. Was sooo scary how they got in my head.
Gaslighting, Simon's favorite new hobby
Aha! This is the comment I was looking for (or some variation of it).
Maybe his sponsor should be an appliance company that makes gas stoves.
Good video, Into the Shadows. Psychology is always an interesting topic to discuss! Thanks for posting another splendid vlog.!
I AM NOT A GASLIGHTER! Simon must have uploaded his video wrong.
Excellent explanation. I've always had a hard time wrapping my head around gaslighting. "How could anyone convince someone else to believe things that are totally untrue?"
An important distinction often missed is that gaslighting has become the go-to defense for people who are actually acting irrationally or hysterical. It can be a very useful simescreen for certain types of people to cover for their own bad behavior. Be mindful of what the truth is and who is trying to subvert it, always.
I had a previous partner who gaslit me on a fairly regular basis. It took a very good therapist to help me finally realize that it was happening. My recent ex also did it... perhaps I'm just an idiot or more susceptible to this?? Time to go back to my therapist, I think...
An extremely helpful video!! Thank you, Simon and team!!! 😊❤❤❤
Sounds exactly like the what is fed to us on American News Media, our Politicians and our News Papers.
There is a reason news archives exist.
@@Hebdomad7 Sure, but how many Joe Averages do check actually?
The nice newcaster is so familiar, why question what is said?
Not really. That's mostly people disagreeing.
I became very close to a gaslighted following a breakup... eventually cut contact with them because I realized how their behaviors affected me. I don't ever see myself getting back in touch with them. Gaslighting can take more of a toll on a person's mental health than one would ever initially assume.
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They always gaslight. 🙃
This happend in my marriage. My ex would always say ”I never said that/did that. You need help you are not well”. I started to doubt my own sanity and started to writing things down with the dates just so that I could see if I was going crazy or if he was lying. It was very helpfull as I could see that I was not insane, I was being gaslit. Very scary stuff. Glad I am not in that relationship anymore.
I wonder if Therapists are tearing their hair out over the incorrect incorporation of DSM terms into the popular lexicon.
Sounds like gaslighting.
One of your best videos! Not just the topic but the writing and especially the helpfulness at the end.
Been gaslighted before it was cool
Thank you Kevin. Today was a perfect day to hear this.
I had a borderline gf that gaslighted me for 18 months,we broke up 7 years ago but I feel like on some level it still affects me.....
Sooo, you're saying she's single now?
@JinX-so5yv All yours pal 😂 😂 😂
Gaslighting is fascinatingly insidious, my memory isnt great and the thought of gaslighters is terrifying.
Five topics to fix society via discussion:
-Anti-natalism vs Natalism
-The 3 basic needs/prenatal needs
Three things necessary for human evolution that are provided while in the womb which are; food, shelter and medical care.
-Platinum rule
Do whatever makes one happier unless it interferes with another persons ability to do the same.
-MBTI (research yours and connect with others)
-Art (pick one and get better at it!)
Meyers Brigs is mostly phudo-science. It probably won't fix anything.
Into the Shadows, with the presentation read by Simon, releasing this less than a day after Warfronts, also with the presentation read by Simon, did a Tulsi Gabbard piece which naturally elicited the gaslighting response of a lot of russian bots out there to attempt to deny or distract from her nature is perfect.
Ugh now I have to google pegging
What, what? in the butt!
I would recommend SafeSearch for this one...
Had an abusive marriage. This video really highlights well all the tools they use to bring you to a state where you don't trust your own intuition and you don't know who you are. It's malicious. Deceitful. Rotten.
It took 3 years to escape once I realized what they were.
My new favorite phrase when someone tells me I’m wrong.
I do not consent to being gaslit.
That only works when you are in fact NOT wrong
@captainspaulding5963 I do not consent to being gaslit.
@@tuongpham7609 🤣
You described my last relationship and my current workplace on point. 😮
I never made that comment on this video, youre imagining things
THANK YOU for this video!!! VERY clear & concise! ...and I've watched A LOT of videos on gaslighting & narcissism.
What about psychopaths?
Psychopathy and sociopathy aren't formally recognised medical diagnoses. They just sound more professional than "asshole" and "bigger asshole." So I dunno.
Psychopathy and sociopathy both refer to the condition in the DSM-5 called antisocial personality disorder.
@@raemarsbar I know, I was referring to Simon mentioning the differences between narcissists and sociopaths but not psychopaths.