I started transitioning at 14 and I often passed as a boy even before that so I've never really experienced first-hand sexism or misogyny, but I've still definitely noticed a difference in the way people treat me. I especially remember one time I was walking with a friend who's a girl, and someone started catcalling her despite her being clearly not interested. And then as soon as I told the person to stop, they backed away and left us alone. I was kinda shocked to see how a "no" from a guy meant so much more to that person than the actual CONSENT OF THE GIRL THEY WERE TALKING TO.
Right? It’s disgusting! It’s like they think a woman is just there to belong to a man, and if she’s not “claimed,” she’s a free object. But if a guy has already “claimed” her, THEN they’ll apologize. It’s backwards and I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count. And think about the all of the times there isn’t a man there, and if the woman can’t get the guy to leave her alone...
it's because they're cowards. once someone who can actually have a fair fight with them gets involved, they back off. but when it's with someone they can easily overpower, THAT'S when they strike.
As a lesbian, I hate when some guy is flirting with my girlfriend and she's heavily uncomfortable, sometimes she just make a sign to let me know she's uncomfortable and even when the guy know we are partners some still try go pursue her, wtf. Why is it so difficult to show decency? With my brother, if he appears and says that his girlfriend is in fact, his girlfriend they stop but that doesn't happen all the time in my case.
"Pockets!" Cute story: shortly after coming out as a trans femme enby, I made friends with a recently out trans masc enby. I gave them some of my old jeans since were were about the same size and shape (both built like sticks). One day we were about to go to lunch together and they were wearing the jeans and complaining about having to carrying their big phone everywhere. I said, just put it in your pocket. The look on their face as the phone just kept sliding in, deeper and deeper, until it was completely swallowed by the pocket was magical.
I once took an ereader from my side pockets and a female friend freaked out a little bit. She could not comprehend how such a "large" device (not very large, but larger than a phone) fitted in the pocket. She asked me if she could try it herself.
About pretending to be your girl friends' boyfriend, I remember reading an article about it that phrased it really well: men don't respect the woman enough to take her "no", but they respect they boyfriend's "ownership" enough to back off. Doesn't matter what the girl they're hitting on wants, but if they're on someone else's territory, they move on. It's disgusting but it's true. That's why saying "I have a boyfriend" sometimes works. Not because they respect the fact you're in a relationship you want to be faithful to, but because you've been marked as someone else's territory. I wish a woman could just say "no" and not have to give any reason why she's not interested. Because you don't need one.
Alice Teague That’s so true. “Funnily” enough, even saying you’re a lesbian doesn’t often work. Me and my friend were on vacation in Spain years ago and two guys came up to us, when we were sitting on a beach in the evening. They were polite enough, but wouldn’t leave us alone. We started walking home and they just walked with us, uninvited. We told them we were gay (a lie to get them to leave), and they just laughed and told us they didn’t believe us. Eventually they left, but it was really frustrating.
@@haggisa so true! I am pan and a while ago this guy started texting me. I immediately clarified that I was not interested in dating but he said he still wanted to keep texting to practice his language skills (he learned my native tongue as a second (or third?) language). So I thought there was no harm in texting a bit back and forth. He then wanted to meet me and I agreed but had to cancel rather spontaneously because I had a stomach bug. He literally did not believe me and demanded to talk to me on the phone. So I called him and he demanded to know why a ditched him. I then explained (as I had done) that I was ill. He did not believe me and then told me that I should date him. I told him that I wasn't interested and that I had told him so from the beginning on. He then presumed I had a boyfriend and said he could understand if I was already taken. I was annoyed that he wouldn't take my no without a reason/"excuse" so I told him I was single. He still did not believe me that I just wasn't into him. So then I finally told him I was interested in women (which is technically true although I have also dated men in the past) and he said it doesn't matter. He could "turn" me. He would have left me alone if I had had a boyfriend, though. Worst conversation ever. I blocked him afterwards.
I'm gonna be harsh here, but many girls don't know what they want. They might say no, but they don't really mean no, they just haven't made up their mind yet. (I've had a girlfriend for over 4 years that told me no at first. And my current girlfriend for over 7 years also told me no at first...) So understandably it's difficult for some guys to distinguish the real no from a 'I haven't made up my mind yet" no. But yes, there are also some guys that are stupid.
This omg, I used to work in a store and was part of the tech team I'm a huge nerd and I'm female, I had an incident where I got asked to look at a faulty games console. The customer came in and was talking to the manager of the store and he said "I can get someone more knowledgeable to look at this for you and if we can't fix it we'll do an exchange" so he calls me over I take a look his PS3 has overheated and his disc has gotten stuck so I take it upstairs to retrieve the disc clean out the vents and test it on one of our tvs. I came back downstairs and not only did the guy not thank me he did not believe me when I told him I got the machine to work, I exchanged it for him anyway and he still asked for a different colleague to test the new machine because he didn't believe I knew what I was talking about. My manager was mortified and asked if that happened to me when he wasn't in store and I was like "oh yeah all the time". Even with everyday things that aren't that hard to comprehend no one believes you if you are female.
@LittleV179 (no "reply" option to your comment), but OMG - YES!... I feel you!... It is so sad & utterly frustrating to be constantly questioned/invalidated or dis-believed!! 》Especially when engaging in stereotypically male-dominated activities. [My grandmother would not allow me to go to tech-school OR to play drums because those were for "boys", sooo I taught myself in BOTH areas!!!] ~ As a woman who is mechanically inclined, I have also worked in s computer store in new-builds once my boss saw my potential!... PLUS: 😒 #1) I installed things on my car and yet seen an auto-repair guy's wide-eyed shock while looking at my work and exclaiming: "Wow! - YOU did that?!" 🙄 #2) I re-wired my home and fixed electrical malfunctions to the dismay of inspectors who verified that it was up to code. & 🤭😳 #3) totally demonstrated [a "show off"] my drum-skills on numerous occasions when not only doubted that I could play but also when a music-store clerk offered to show me their keyboards with "drum-beat and rhythm functions" as I was looking at their percussion instruments. 😠
You actually got a tech store job!! I have applied before. Interviewed. Nothing. I did a multi course certificate in tech support, only got interviews when I put just my initials on my resume. Once they sussed out I was female, end of interview. I heard this happens a lot to women who want to be in tech....
I just left a job that was bad for my mental health. I was stretched thin, laughed at for asking for a raise, and told to get used being short staffed. When I put in my notice they offered me a 3$ raise. I said no, and they had to hire three new people to replace me.
When capitalism views the workforce as a disposable resource, I suspect the management team is expecting 2 of the 3 replacements to not make it through on boarding. Businesses plan for high churn and burnout. 😣
That three dollar raise Probably would’ve been to keep you around for long enough to train a younger newbie who wouldn’t have complained before finally firing you for something really petty but *technically legal* Feels bad man Glad you got out~
@@gingermaniac5484 Actually they wanted to keep me so they could fire my boss. Then have me do her job without the title or pay. That poor woman gets shit on so often.
That is actually more insulting, I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions and that you had to spend so long in that kind of environment, do you know if your (ex)boss is okay?
I’m a trans gal, and I recently went for a late night walk because of covid and the summer heat. Three cars circled the block around me, with three male drivers trying to talk to me or get me into a car. This was in the span of two hours.
P03ticJustice comes slamming into the youtube comment section to give the unironic advice of “conform or die” but in a more palatable set of phrases. It was neither poetic nor just, but alas - the critique will go unnoticed in favor of an easier target. Trying to fix one’s own warped sense of survival is to undo trauma, but telling a trans person to conform? That’s as easy as a sneeze! Go off, little one. One day, your rage will turn to ash, and behind you will be a trail of nothingness as you burn through reality with your fabricated sense of normality. Your instinct that tells you to conform or die will also be gone, and you’ll be left with no one real. Not even yourself. No one can be their truest selves, not even the conformed, in a world where conformity is how we survive.
Zeta Zimmer I am sorry that you’re struggling to find a comfortable place and time to be yourself. The closer we get to an equal world, the more complex our social, political, and economic problems become. But without people willing to be themselves in an unequal world, we will never find a day where we even could call ourselves equal. So thank you for being you, and I wish you the best of luck in navigating this weird and messy planet. May your life be long and full of love (:
This is so true.... I have a mission in life to make women clothing that can also last aa much as men... I'm starting a sewing/fashion IG 😅 not self promotion but seem relevant??? If interested, is @sew_ozzywar_made_this 😅🙃
I gotta admit, I dont share that expirience... I actually have a hard time to find good sturdy stuff. Most jeans I buy break after half a year to a year, max, some times after a couple of months. And yea, flannels last a bit longer, but even then, the oldest shirt I have is only 2 years old, and already pretty much done. Meanwhile, my dad has shirts he literally had for decades, that are still good. Literally the only stuff I could find, that is really sturdy is work wear, but I cant run around in cargo pants everywhere ^^
@Scarlet Baxter And whyyyy are the buttons on women's vintage clothing BACKWARDS??!!... This one has always perplexed me! ~ But (as a cis-gal), I have often found mens pants to fit better (i.e. can just go get the right measurements of 30×30 rather than HAVE to try on 3 different sizes of the same pair: 8, 9, 10... because every brand/style is cut differently!) 😭 ... I mean, as a woman - everyone assumes we LIKE shopping or spending more time in stores, but I just wanna go grab what I need and GO rather than wait in line for a fitting room and go through the hassle of changing, doing a squat/bend test to make sure the waist-line doesn't gape open to reveal my underwear or butt, then finding the return-rack or person to give their room # tag back, before making my selection... Ugh.
I knew that when I transition (trans woman), I would loose male privilege, but I never knew what to expect. Only three days into HRT, a man trapped me and tried to get me to go with him. I'd never been more scared in my life, and that encounter taught me that I now have to be extra vigilant, even in broad daylight. Also, I never really liked men's clothes, but I will admit that I miss pockets.
I kind of don't want to like your comment because it's so horrible. I'm sorry that happend to you and I'm angry at this misogynistic, sexist and transmisogynistic entitlement.
10:21 They do! Even in m/f households where both partners are working and they perceive themselves to do equal housework, women typically do 60% of the chores. Plus women went on strike for a bit in Iceland - they made their husbands make meals, take kids to school, &c - and the country completely broke down. That protest caused a lot of progressive reforms :)
@@DjurslandsEfterskole wikipedia has a whole page on that , i think it s called the long friday or something Like that, apparently the whole country whent nuts and suddenly everybody understood thé amount of things women gets done. Cause they did not thought that it was work and how much things where done without then seeing wenn it is Not done.
Overly Friendly Cryptid That is so fantastic! Can you confirm it was called The Long Friday? I’d like to research this more, cause my country could deeeefinietly do with reforms like that.
I had a man tell me “ I knew a female principal once, and she got fired.” I ask him what’s your point because I’ve known men to lose a position before as well. He was shattered and laughed as he walked away.
The number of times I was ignored and my ideas glossed over when I worked in the corporate world still makes me cringe when I think back on it. Once I finally lost my cool, because we were going to make the same dumbass mistake we'd been making with a website redesign that we'd been making for the past 5 redesigns. I launched into a tirade, pointing out all the things we'd learned the last several times and implored my colleagues not to repeat those same mistakes. What happened? I was forced to apologize and naturally we proceeded in the way the IT guy that insisted we do it his way because it was an 'industry best practice.' (and guess what? we had the same level of failure we had the previous 5 times!). Ugh! I wonder how much differently that entire interaction would have gone if I'd been read as male instead of female back then.
So I used to GM a chain retail store, and my company launched an entirely new product line. My store was the hub for this product in the area, and I quickly got overwhelmed and was working insane hours, even for a retail manager. My regional manager asked me what he could do to help me, and I listed 3 things I needed his support and sign off on. He scoffs and goes "Naw, naw kiddo, you just gotta buck up! It'll get better!" SPOILERS it did not and I just burned out real hard. The guy after me lasted 6 months, and the core team I had so carefully hired and were so loyal to me quit because he was terrible. Around the time of my replacement being fired, the regional manager gets shunted sideways and replaced. The new guy convinces my AGM to take the GM role, and I think he's still there, several years later. You know why? They implemented every change I had previously asked for, and made it physically possible to keep up with the work load. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"Industry best practice", "industry standard", etc. are a gaslighting technique. As an afab software developer, I can attest that 100% times it was used on me, the "standard" in question turned out to be a recommendation, usually by just one person with a reputation in the field, and almost always followed by a remark that "it's just a recommendation, use with caution and adapt to your project". And every time I tried to confront my colleagues about it I got a "everybody does that, now shut up" reply. UPD: sorry, my comment got eaten by YT ^^;
@ That's bullshit because the bosses always listened to the men on the team, never the women. When things went right, the men got the credit, even if a female team member had first proposed the idea. If things went wrong, the women were blamed, even if they were not part of the decision process.
I expect doctors don't dismiss your pain now. I almost died with an infected gallbladder having spent months trying to convince my male doctor the pain was real.
I'm so mad at that doctor, but so glad you're okay. That is a HUGE one I forgot to mention. Tough to tell for me because I started going to a female doctor at an LGBTQ+ clinic shortly before transitioning so I think they'd listen to me either way, but I definitely experienced that at other places previously!
I'm reading up on mens' lib and learning that men are actually highly discouraged from going to the doctors. Friends, family, partners, even doctors have told men to suck it up, pull it together, be a man and stop wasting the medical system's time and resources. There are horrible stories of men refusing to go to the doctor for a small cut, and ending up having to amputate a foot, because the infection has gone off the rail. Countless partners begging and sometimes forcing loved ones to go to the doctors. It's crazy. It seems in the patriarchy, everyone's medical concerns are undermined.
I'm so sorry your were treated to badly. I'm ftm too and have chronic pain and just generally a bunch of health problems but I get taken less seriously now. Having being trans on my record means they already think I'm attention seeking or over reacting (at least I think that given the way they treat me). I guess this says much more about LGBT discrimination rather than how men are treated, but yeah it did surprise me that I'm not taken more seriously.
When I had an acute inflamed gallbladder, I was told that men are underrepresented in this disease. Ftm passing moderately well after 3 years HRT (having started transition age 46). I also shared a room with another cis man, who had a gall bladder surgery. Yes, doctors take my health concerns more seriously now.
@@NickUncommon an inflamed gallbladder is 3 times more likely to be a female complaint, especially after pregnancy or using the contraceptive pill, so men are at times discounted, which I agree is so wrong. The most common factors are the 5 F's: Fat, fair, female, fertile and 40+; I fitted all 5. My doctor understood I had an inflamed gallbladder, so I lost weight and modified my diet accordingly, however I believed it was infected, which he consistently refuted. I ended months later with an emergency dash to hospital to have it removed - it was immediately incinerated.
THE HE-PEAT!!! I honestly thought this was a tv/movie trope for a long time and this didn't really happen in the workplace. Cut to 2 years ago, I'm managing my first large scale project as a project manager AND i pass as a cis women in the workplace (i'm actually non-binary). In our weekly departmental meeting I suggest a resolution for a problem and volunteer to do more work than necessary. My boss say "no no, we don't want to do that". 3 days later in another meeting to prep for discussion the same issue with our client, my boss says "I was talking to [the other male manager working with this client] and we've decided [repeats almost word for word what i had previously suggested]. I was at a loss for words, and I couldn't believe that had actually happened to me. Now I have to assert myself and say things like "As I had mentioned in our meeting previously" or "That's a great suggestion and I was planning something very similar" because i'll be damned if I let someone take credit for my work just because we have different genitals.
Once I was at a job interview for a corporate job as an assistant. Most of the people who worked there were men, and I was being interviewed by men who asked if I’m okay with the fact that’d I’d be working with mostly men. At first I thought they were asking if I’d feel comfortable, which I appreciated, but then they said something along the lines of, “Because you’ll have to act professional,” and implied that they thought I would try to flirt. I accepted a different job (the corporate job didn’t hire me anyway, but I still wouldn’t have worked there).
Even as someone well read on the subject of privilege I find it mind blowing and insightful to hear someone who has experienced both sides confirm it. I feel like a lot of the time I as a girl see things like this but don’t really believe it myself (internalized misogyny ugh). Hearing it from you is super reassuring and something everyone should hear! Guys need to open their mind to what we women and feminine presenting people experience everyday, and for us it’s nice to hear it’s not all in our head. Edit: I want to add that we should be aware of this and this feeling when talking about other minorities. Listen when POC speak their truth and what they experience. Just because you personally don’t see it as a white person doesn’t mean it isn’t happening!
So true. I didn't realize until this video that I actually also experienced some of the things he mentioned. I always thought I never experienced it but I actually did.
I used to have to often prove that I know what I'm talking about when I just wanted to have a nice conversation about computers and tech. Since I transitioned and presented online as a guy, people took me more seriously. Its crazy. I hope to make a difference once I'm read as a guy.
This is so painfully true! As a passing cis woman and feminist I technically know this. But often I think it's not really happening to me or it's just my dad acting so very rational because he thinks I'm an angry feminist. It feels like it's more about my positions being radical (like, demanding that marginalized people are treated with respect and making sure their voice has an actual place in democratic society...). But then again, maybe this and so many other situations are just misogyny and sexism. Mostly very subtle. And I feel I have no way to find out - not even to speak about holding people (men...) accountable if it is.
There's one thing I can relate to here! That thing about a man asking you to explain what a term means. I had a white man (online) ask me if I was sure I knew what "colonizer" means. I am Jamaican. Our Parliament still refers to the Queen in its opening prayer, we still have a Governor General. Yes, sir, I DO know what a colonizer means!
I take public transit--and as a man, I can call out a guy who is hitting on a woman (or, as is often the case, a girl) who is clearly uninterested and uncomfortable. This does sometimes lead to some scary moments, as the guys can take this as a challenge to their manhood--but it's worth it to see the relief these girls feel when I'm the guy's focus instead. And I can usually talk the guy down, pointing to her body language. Even the ones who get off on making women uncomfortable are reluctant to admit it.
Worst thing is that the bus can be full and nobody is doing anything at all, just looking away. And when you raise your voice and interfere you know they wont help you if the guy decides to go violent, they are not helping the woman, they sure as hell won't be helping some guy.
A few years ago, there was this guy on the bus who would purposely position himself near women on the bus, and grab himself and say inappropriate things. It was really creepy. This guy ended up getting reported to the driver by me and a few other women on the bus.
@@jonasmiekkamies Not doing anything is a silent reinforcement to the perpetrator that they aren't doing anything wrong. The bystander affect is a terrible thing that almost everyone is victim too at some point, and I wish humans were built better. We're social creatures that can't survive on our own, so why does no one help each other?
I transitioned in the other direction and can tell you that I notice all the same differences, albeit in the other direction. Of course a trans woman is in twice the danger in most of these circumstances. That's why we work so hard to pass, to be only as threatened and abused as a regular cis woman. We aspire to the great heights of somewhat less marginalization. The biggest difference I notice is how much you are allowed to speak in a group. I used to quite enjoy being the center of attention and grabbing up to 70% of the speaking time over four other people and I was usually entertaining enough that this was fine. Now if I speak as much as half as much as the next quietest person I start to get dirty looks. This is even the case in the same groups of friends that used to be fine with me hogging the mike. Seriously, the difference is truly jarring and it is not fun to be silenced.
"That's why we work so hard to pass, to be only as threatened and abused as a regular cis woman. We aspire to the great heights of somewhat less marginalization." Wow...what a culture we live in. This really sucks. I'm a older white trans man and do not pass - even remotely - but I have thought about young black trans men and the oppression that young black cis men face and how scary it would be to pass as male, be subjected to the same kind of police harassment as black men, and then upon being booked having it discovered that your anatomy is "wrong". Such an awful world. And, to be sure, I know that young black women get harassed by cops, too, I just think it is even more intense for young black men.
i am looking forward to this so, so badly. i feel like a fucking clown the way people expect me to plaster a smile on my face just for the simple fact of them looking in my direction. if i don't, i'm read as a bitch and having an attitude (way worse than for white 'women', i imagine, because i'm black). i work in an all-male space and i notice how little they're expected to smile compared to me (i'm closeted, and started transitioning after starting at this job) and it infuriates me.
As a cis but not super feminine woman I fully support expanding formal attire options. I'm not super comfy in dresses/heals/makeup, but I'm also REALLY NOT a button up/tie/full suit kinda girl either.
Dude when you said something about men not thinking that you’re flirting with them HOLY SHIT dude. All I want is just to be friends with some guys without any romantic intention and recently I was invited to a game of D&D with some male coworkers and I’m not yet out nor passing in the workplace and I’m afraid that if I go they will see me as a quirky girl rather than one of the guys which is preventing me from going altogether
All the D&D groups I've been in have had a mix of genders. I don't think it's that big of a deal anymore in the gamer world, but do proceed with caution.
I've been in about 6 different D&D groups my whole life and every time I was the only "female". I loved it :D I put female in quotes because I know that I'm non binary now lol. D&D is a blast and as long as you're a fun/creative player, the guys will treat you like one of their own. Bonus points if you can make them laugh or if you bring snacks lol.
@@joycelinlgbtq sadly in the game world it still exists. Not as much though i will agree on that! The amount of times i've been shit all over for being female on a video game is still highly depressing. If your worst than the guys they tell you "you suck you shouldn't be playing" and if you're better than them at the game then its "there's no way a bitch is better than me". Heard it all so many times its why I don't talk on mic chat in video games. :( there's just no winning as a female.
@@TheSpaceyCat in-person tabletop RPG groups & LARP groups tend to be way better than rando 13 year old edge lords in the anonymity of their own homes. There are some neckbeard types around but I have never personally encountered or seen any negativity toward anyone based on gender.
I know I shouldn't need to hear this from a man to feel validated but damn. Thanks for making this.
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well you won't get validated from another woman, they put each other down all the time in order to raise themselves up. i've seen girls acting all friendly then when one went to the bar the others all had a good bitch about her, they smiled on her return like nothing happened. then another left and they all slagged her off.
@ some women are like that. But I would say the vast majority are not. I get most of my validation from women. Especially when it comes to dealing with sexism.
@ internalized misogyny is horrible but also LEARNED BEHAVIOUR, also if they're constantly talking shit about each other maybe they shouldn't be friends
I’m just going into high school and something I noticed is that before I transitioned and came out some of the girls would tell me that I wasn’t pretty or would try to give me tips on what I could do to make myself look better and now those same girls compliment how nice my eyebrows are, how nice my hair is, and just general things on my physical appearance when I haven’t really changed and I’ve always looked very masculine and like a boy
Omg, I'm exactly the same way cause I've always looked masculine and people used to bully me before I came out. Like right before I came out at the end of 8th grade I cut my hair and was bullied for it.
Kyle Comeau I had very similar experience, when people perceived me as a girl I was picked on by girls and they would tell me my leg hair was disgusting and that I had too much facial hair. But now that I'm perceived as a man I get compliments on those same masculine features.
@@ezrenficker4502 By facial hair do you mean. like, thick eyebrows? Or are you one of those few AFAB people who could actually grow a beard and mustache? I'm just curious, if you would rather not talk about it, I respect that as well.
G Pettus I had a visible mustache and some chin hair by about age 11. I had a higher testosterone level than most afab people so I could grow a bit of facial hair pre T
Maybe they think you're hot now. It could also be the Male privilege thing but just the way they switched sounds like an attraction thing. Plus trans guys tend to be more attractive than cis guys.
Oh MY GOD. I just realized because of this video that part of the reason I always feel like I'm not qualified enough to give advice on things (even things I'm an expert about) is due to how society invalidates females as unknowledgable or less intelligent when it comes to subjects that aren't societally feminine... Thank you for helping me put this together. P.S. You seem like a super awesome person. We could totally be friends.
What surprised me the most when I started passing as male is the prevalence of so-called "locker room talk" whenever there are not people perceived as women around. I knew it was a thing, but I didn't KNOW it was a thing.
Braelyn Smith That’s so interesting. I’m wondering how drastic the change between how those men act around just men, and in mixed company actually is. Were they just being more open about who they found attractive? Were they really crude? Sexist?
@@haggisa The biggest difference was the language they used. It was mostly about strangers, like people passing by in their cars, and was crude, sexist, and objectifying. They just didn't broach the topic at all around women or people perceived as women. It was definitely not every guy who did it where I was, thankfully. Maybe a half or a third, with one in 10 being particularly unbearable. It was primarily the one in ten who also complained about feminism and how they "couldn't just talk normally anymore" or "had to be careful about who they relax around."
I feel as it more of a women can point out a women breast and 9/10 not be seen as crude or sexist while it's the opposite for men so we do it around other men to remain respectful
@AceOfHearts If someone doesn't agree with what I'm saying they can tell me and I'll change the subject but if they don't tell so then that falls on the both of us me for not noticing and you for not telling me keep in mind that that all face to face interaction start with objectification
What you said about formal events not being friendly to gender non-conforming people reminded me of how I lost the second irl friend I came out to. She invited me to her wedding; unfortunately my dysphoria was super bad and I knew there was no way I could go to such a binary gendered space when I was already struggling so badly. Formal menswear did not fit my barbie body in a masculine way no matter how much binding I attempt, and formal womenswear had become impossible (the last time I tried it, I was still an egg and still ran out of the wedding in distress). I explained respectfully that I was honoured to be invited but was having a really hard time with dysphoria and wouldn't be able to attend. That was the last time she spoke to me, pointedly ignoring me at work or at socials. (We were also work colleagues.) It was so awkward and painful. But honestly, grand weddings are so performative, there's all these standards of heteronormativity you have to meet... Ugh. It was not her fault at all, I am just upset at society here.
YUP I'm GNC and I've been to a couple of semi-formal things and it's a nightmare to figure out what to wear even for semi-formal, I have no clue what I'd wear to a full on formal event. I have always hated mens' suits and would now flat out refuse to wear one, but I'm still fairly frequently perceived as a guy despite my presentation always being more on the femme side of androgynous so I don't know if a dress would be accepted by formal dress codes. Maybe if I could find a very feminine styled suit like you sometimes see butch lesbians wearing for weddings I could tolerate that.
@AceOfHearts I think for those of us who are versed in what dysphoria is like, it's clearly an overreaction on her part. But in her mind she's seen me appear in public in dresses (I was still wearing them to work on certain days) and she also told me I can come wearing a suit if I want to, so I can see how to her it doesn't make sense.
I'm sorry you went through that and your friend was not understanding of your dysphoria. I'm even more sorry that she still holds that kind of resentment towards you for not attending. I would be interested to see more gender-inclusive formal attire and events. I'm a cis bi (hetero-passing) woman, but if I ever have a formal wedding, I would want my gender non-conforming friends to be able to attend without dysphoria-triggering things and feel welcome, included, and validated. Does anyone have any resources or tips on this? A video or podcast they would recommend or even personal experience?
Not too long ago, I was talking with 2 of my kids; my n.b. and my younger son. My boy interrupted me, and my n.b. (who is on T and looks masculine now) stopped him and pointed out that female looking people get talked over more, and don't-do-that especially-to-Mama.
@@shenenigans2037 yeah, totally, if your goal is to be understood by significantly fewer people than otherwise possible, it is indeed a perfectly reasonable way to spell it, that's true :)
@@Wandering.Homebody Well, either way, now if someone's confused as to what it means here, all they have to do is check the replies and find out. And then they know for future reference. Abbreviations and shorthands always have the potential to confuse people, but they still have a place. And now you know what N.B. means (in this sort of context), so it's not an issue anymore!
It's so funny hearing this as I've transitioned MTF. Like so many of the things that you're excited about that you now get, I'm glad are finally gone. I couldn't stand men's clothing. It's all the same. So rough and heavy bleh. I have definitely noticed that my male upbringing prepared me more for any sort of patriarchy that has hit me. Quiet honestly, I'm lucky to be in places where it just isn't as prominent. I remember the days of going out at night and not being afraid, but sort of still feel that way anyways. Maybe it's naivety or that I'm a second degree black belt, but I still feel this weird sense of comfort outside even at night. It's funny, I remember I was walking around at night with a female friend of mine and some dudes walked by us and just instinctively I walked in front of her to protect her. I swear, it was just sort of a primal reaction. Being able to cry has been so amazing for me. I just love feeling that connected to the world and people around me. I've felt so emotionally stunted my whole life and to really feel all my emotions is just fantastic. It's strange to me that you feel less angry after transitioning. I found the same, but I found that a lot of my anger just stemmed from testosterone. As I transitioned, I felt the anger still, but it was much more tame. I didn't substitute it with crying, but instead just lessened it. I no longer need to punch pillows just to "get it out". Hated that about myself before. I absolutely love that I can just drop the male "I need to prove myself" act. It's so freeing. Can I carry things? Sure. Do I need to? Nah. That said, I can't stand the chivalry. It feels so fake to me. Whenever someone opens a door for me or is nice or says hi just because I'm a woman (and I can confirm they never said hi to me as a man), it just kinda grosses me out and makes me a bit angry. Like, I was pretty much the same person, but because I was a guy, I was seen as less friendly and approachable. I can literally point to moments where as a guy other men would treat me like shit because they wanted to flirt with some girl. So, those little chivalrous acts just make me a bit uncomfortable. I try to approach it with good faith, but still feels weird. The voice thing is definitely real. My feminine voice is just higher. Higher pitches don't carry as well. It's actually a bit tricky to be loud and high pitch at the same time. So, I just learned to speak up or even slightly deepen my voice so I stand out a bit. I'm use to being in front of people and being assertive, so it's not too much of an adjustment honestly. Best part of being a woman: People don't assume I'm a creep. It's fantastic. I can hug my friends and not worry about how I'm doing it. I just do it. I can cuddle on the couch and it's great.
As a fellow woman (though cis): Your comment sounded so great and was very nice to hear. I hope that feeling safe outside is something that will never stop. It's a great thing to embrace imo. This "chivalry" also is wheird to me. I don't have a comparison because I almost always pass as a woman - but sometimes male-read people stand and hold the door for a long time when I'm not even near the door. I don't think they'd do that for men/ male read people. About the clothes: On the one hand I'm annoyed that female gendered clothes has smaller pockets and fits more tightly than I want often. At the same time: Yes, male gendered clothing often just looks borring and not good to me. I want shiny bright colours! I'm glad for the positive changes you had and also all the best for the future.
yep. i didnt transition yet, but it hurts to be a guy and just want to be one with the girls, compliment their cute outfits, etc. but, i can't. because that'll come off as so creepy and bad to them. it really hurts having to just sit there and watch, feeling so separate and torn away from the people you were supposed to be with.
I totally agree, it is mind boggling how the perception of a person can change with their gender. It is just recently that I'm passing, but it sometimes is like living in a different world - both good and bad, though mostly positive. The "being taken seriously" and taking "no" as an answer parts are what fascinate and make me sad the most. Yes, I do enjoy my newly found privileges immensely, but hope - like you - to use them in a productive way.
i'm mtf trans, pretransition. and i have to oposit when it comes to crying. i'm literaly dieing inside but a desert on the outside. for tears to start flowing my body has so much stress on it that i alwais get a headach
Honestly I really respect you for making these videos. You could have gone stealth but instead you are putting yourself at risk because you want to help others and share a rare point of view to better humanity. It's a really cool thing to do so mad respect!
I don't know what happened during my childhood that made me hate everything I felt was a "macho" thing. I was sure women were smarter and I coined the "The Future is Female" phrase years before I learned it had been in use since the 70's (I didn't know I didn't speak English back then). Now, as an adult straight cis dude, I have mostly female friends and I'm constantly encouraging them to find their foot in a male dominated society that is even more backwards than that of the US. I just wished male privilege was discussed more widely in broadcast media to make people understand what the feminist fight is about. Thanks for this video. It's really eye opening to get the perspective of someone that had both experiences.
Regarding the first sentence, I would suspect there was a highly disagreeable male figure, which everyone despised and you didn't want to identify with in your childhood.
@@vivvpprof Well, all of my childhood heroes were male. They were just not macho types. As for real-life male figures, I didn't look up to my dad because he was not as smart as I would have aspired to be. And, honestly, I wouldn't have identified with any adult around me during my childhood. Everyone felt scripted and I didn't want that for me. I guess calmness and reasoning were very much associated with female figures in the 80s.
omg I cry at any strong emotion, positive, negative, doesnt matter, those tears WILL fall... anger, stress, worry, joy, cute fricking animal pictures, name it :P
There's so much said in this video that I relate to, although I just came around it by chance. The society I grew up in expected girls to be sweet and caring, social butterflies, always smiling and cheerful, girly and pretty pink, moderately tall and moderately skinny, always wearing makeup, not too much, not too little, be good at artistic things and less so at intelectual things. Always play the damsel in distress, but not be needy. Be silly, and never smarter than men around them. Now, as a very short, quite chubby, very boyish, quite smart and not at all artistic girl, I was always everything a girl shouldn't be. I have seen my equally smart girl friends play dumb and act into these expectations. I could never do that. In my whole life, I met maybe three guys who didn't completely shut me off just because I was as smart as they were. I was always berated and judged for not wearing makeup and dresses, for not being slim enough, for not being girly enough. The part that worries me the most is that every time I mention it to women around me, I get the same answer. "You're exaggerating, everything is fine, you just have to act accordingly and people will like you. Just smile more, play dumb and wear some makeup. You'll get used to it in time." The problems come when women don't recognise the stereotyping and double standards as a problem. I moved now to a different country, where the problems are seen as problems. Some double standards remain, but the simple thing that people, especially women, challenge these beliefs, makes the double standards lower. It is amazing to me to see how different life can be in a more open-minded society, but also it showed me how many double standards I grew up to accept as normal. And how much of me being "just wrong" was actually not that wrong after all.
Thanks for making this! As someone who started transitioning pretty young (socially at 15 and medically at 17), I think I'm not as aware of these things as people who spent more time being perceived as female in the world. As I'm starting to pass more and be in more spaces where people don't know I'm trans, it feels increasingly important for me to be aware of what gendered privileges I have and how to use them to lift up the voices of others.
As a guy, I can say that a lot of these depend on your character. I'm a fairly feminine person, though still clearly a man. I found that unless you're confident, outspoken or sociable, a lot of these privileges are significantly lessened. ALTHOUGH - I still very much understand that the privilege is still there. Whenever people talk about things like this I in a way feel ashamed to be a man. While I strongly believe it is not as idyllic for us as some people think, I really wish the other side was better off...
Oh, and another thing I wonder about: How usual is it that you are pretty much expected to want children as a man? When I was in my 20's and 30's I was constantly told that it would change when I got to my 30's (stopped in mid 30's, I look younger than I am), or that it would change "once I met the right man" (heteronormative, much?), or that I really should have kids because I would be an excellent parent or some other argument. Is it as frowned upon for men not wanting to have children?
Mittens and Sunglasses Oh god, I hate it so much. When people don’t believe me, when I say I don’t want kids and will never have them. It has happened all my life. As if women are inherently predisposed to wanting to get pregnant. What sexist nonsense.
Mittens and Sunglasses Yep. I’m 35 and I knew I wouldn’t have kids since the age of 11. The ‘funny’ thing is I literally had people getting angry at me for saying I will never have children. It was inconceivable to them. I know men experience this too, but not to the same extent.
Hey my fellow childfree gals! I'm 37, never want and never had them. I've dated several childfree men and have had conversations about this, and they definitely don't have to put up with the questions/ comments as much as we do. I think since men aren't the ones birthing the children, that's why nobody asks them about it much?
I'm a trans man, but I'm still not passing as such and I only recently started noticing how much people talk over me because I'm perceived to be a woman, I used to think it was normal when speaking in groups but now I see that it happens A LOT MORE to women, especially in predominantly male groups
@@gferraro2916 Yes, you are right! I got so confused when I realised that I didn't need to raise my voice for the other people, who were about half women and half men, to listen to me at one of our scout leader meetings.
I was younger maybe 19 I had a boyfriend who treated me like the way that I do things was absolutely totally stupid. He's constantly correcting me trying to tell me how I can't do this I can't do that because people will take advantage of me. I tried implementing exactly what he said but nobody would accept this behavior from a girl, especially not a young girl. We are expected to not acknowledge our worth or know our worth. That's why so many people have trouble giving women the power to have their own religious views about pregnancy. Because women are expected to lower their worth in relationship to children and men. By the way when I kept trying to act the same way my boyfriend told me to act I got fired from at least two jobs.
the babysitting thing ugh. i recently realized i needed to reassure my mom that i wasn't *really* being forced to babysit at my parents' friends' parties, which she now feels bad about. it was more just that i was 5 years older than the next oldest kid in that friend group other than my brother, and after that all the couples were having babies, so there were a lot of babies. they couldn't leave me at home, but i wasn't forced to watch the little kids, it was more just wtf else was i gonna do? be a 10 year old hanging out with drunk adults watching the superbowl? or go upstairs with the 3-5 year olds and hope i can find a quiet corner and just read or something. sometimes this friend group would do a weekend cabin trip since one family had a big cabin in the mountains. a relatively newer person in the group (married in basically) *asked* if i could watch his daughter for the afternoon *and offered to pay me*. looking back it meant a lot that he saw me as an actual human who didn't necessarily want to hang out with kids 5-10 years younger than me.
The second you brought up the NO, I started to choke up, because it just feels so good to have this experience, of not being taken seriously, validated! Thank you so much for what you're doing, you are a beautiful soul! Much love from Germany ❤️
Thank you, thank you, thank you SO MUCH for making this video!! I'm a cis woman myself and I wish people were more aware of these things!! And I wish cis men /cared/ about these things, cause it often seems they just.. don't. Even if you try to explain, they just shrug and move on. It's priceless to have a man talk about these things the way you do cause they'll take it seriously coming from a man! I love how many trans men stand up for women, thank you so much for that! You probably can't read all comments cause you get a lot, but just in case you do see this, I really love your cool and fun style of talking about this stuff and you seem really great! Gonna definitely check out your other vids too and you just gained a new subscriber! Keep doing what you do and being amazing!
I guess I just take it for granted. I go running everyday, most times at night, because I live in Florida and the heat is crazy. But I go running in the dark, for miles, and I've never had any issue. Never anything weird, or out of the ordinary, or suspicious. And I run on back roads, not in well lit up areas.
It is really interesting to hear that this is not only my perception. I very often have the feeling to be dismissed and have the same sentence acknowledged once one of my male coworkers says it. I am always annoyed at that, but everyone tells me it’s just in my head but apparently it isn’t.
@@ApequH Wow, this is really annoying. But then again, some people think that women are "nasty" if they even stand up for themselves in any way instead of just taking any shit dumped on them.
So glad for someone to actually say that I shouldn't have had to plan parties...I'm an introvert, but was working for Cisco, it was just assumed that I would love to plan festive events. Hell, I didn't even want to attend!
As a guy, I really love just walking outside at night. The cold air in my lungs and the lack of people around is calming to me. I hate that women might not be able to experience things like that because of the (justified) fear for their safety.
Me too I never knew this was an issue for women until women in my life told me it was it’s disgusting that they can’t even feel safe walking outside at night
I have shorts that can fit my entire Nintendo switch in them, not even joking Yet my girlfriend has pants with _literal fake pockets_ . Like they're sown into the fabric in the shape of a pocket, but it's just a flap. Why? Why do these things exist?
I wish people were less sexist. I feel like sexism is just so ignored to where it doesn’t even get any legitimate recognition. I think anytime someone thinks of a feminist, they think of crazy females that just want privilege (which admittedly there are people like that). But there are so many trying to actually make a change as well and just aren’t given the attention _because_ they’re women. I also hate how publicized these matters get. Everyone is trying to either criticize or publicize gender and race equality to where it’s getting caught up and everyone is missing the bigger picture. I am personally Agender but due to my inability to transition yet (and sometimes just my voice as well depending on the type of day) I get treated so often as a female it drives me nuts. Even my PARENTS treat me like I can’t do anything; even more so since I had a scoliosis surgery _two_ years ago despite the fact that even my doctor has told me that I should be able to do everything just fine now. I’m always worried about relationships when it comes to men because I’m worried they’ll see me that way as well; I much rather prefer relationships with females or non-binary people because of it. Just a small rant of mine but, uh, thank you for reading
As a trans woman and having extreme frustration with the loss of privilege (and trying to explain this to my male acquaintances and not being seen as valid, and just whining), I feel this video nails it right on the head. Amazing job Jackson, thanks for being vulnerable and so articulate.
Really nice video, having men acknowledging their priviledge helps a lot in the fight for equality Ps: I really needed a trigger warning before that back to school merch announcement lol
@@hazy6932 You are right. What urks me with how people speak about privilege is that you either have it, or not, which i dont agree with. Men have it in certain places, women do have it in different ones. So saying 'acknowledge your priviledge' shouldnt be exclusive to men.
I officially came out to my mom as trans ftm today (she kinda new before) and she said that I have to wait until Im 18 to get top surgery. Which sucks but she still accepts me with is good
So I'm a ftm guy in highschool and I'm read as a cis guy, and in comparison to middle school where I was read as a girl things are super different, mainly that I am not bullied for the way I look or who I hang out with and I'm actually liked by my peers.
if a guy you know doesn't agree with at least half the shit this dude is saying he's not worth it. Traditional social constructs should be lost in the gene pool with the people who hold them
Hello beautiful people I hope you're having a great time! Keep it up! I believe in you c: . . . . Bro I love your videos, thank you so much for them ❤️
The being treated like you know what your talking about when you actually don't is a maaaaajor new source of anxiety for me in my late transition I'm so glad you mentioned it
Since you touched on workplace privilege, one thing men can do to help women and feminine presenting people is notice and stop how jobs/duties change from being considered important and well-paid to not when they are done by women and feminine presenting people. So event planning and note taking are important examples but lots of folks have the experience of being asked/told to do a job that requires skills and experience but then having that work dismissed as less important but when men do that work it is valued, prioritized, praised and appropriately rewarded financially.
Before I met a guy who used the he-peat I always thought my friend group (mostly males) didn't enjoy my ideas or suggestions. This dude walks in and in a convo where I had spoken the same sentence twice he said the exact same thing and everyone agreed and said it was a good idea. But he was not a douche and simply said "oh you like the idea? Cus she has said it at least twice and you keep ignoring her but when I say it it's suddenly good? You should all learn to listen to her more often." Now I make sure I am heard and I don't let anyone take credit for my ideas or work.
Going to an all-girls high school all this stuff sort of blew over my head. Makes me a little sad to think there is still this much sexism in the world. We're all in this together, everyone.
Ugh I feel that often I'm not taken seriously or challenged on my knowledge of things I know a lot about now that I've transitioned. I work tech support and often have guys call in asking for help, then have them dismiss the support I give them. My male coworkers have never had problems with these people in the past until I talked to them. It's really telling and makes me feel awful every time it happens.
I tend to dress in a very androgynous way and for quite a while I would look a lot like a younger boy, currently I look more feminine. But for quite a while I was used to most people never opening doors for me even if I had my arms full. At one point around when I was still commonly seen as male i was wearing very feminine clothes and no chest binder and i had my arms full and was going into a building and an older gentleman jumped up and grabbed the door for me. This was a really weird moment because I had gotten so used to balancing things and getting doors myself without a sideways look from anyone else
I almost cried watching this. The accuracy of how society treats women vs men is to a T. This needs to be shared. Men need to see this. But let's see how that goes 🙃
I find that if I'm read as a guy when in public with my kids, I'm practically given a gold star no matter what they're doing. Even though it's the exact same behaviour I got (and still get) judgement for when read as a woman. Men are expected to not care for children at all, so anything I do is considered excellent. Whereas women are constantly expected to be perfect caregivers and it's just like... what??? (I get less judgement now that I use a wheelchair, even when read as a woman, due to ableism and the idea that wheelchair users can't care for anyone else so I'm often given a metaphorical gold star for the same things I was previously judged for due to ableism.)
YES stop fake pockets! I just want to carry my phone and keys but the only pants I have that can fit them comfortably is the ones I got for work, which are pretty much just women cut men’s jeans. Back when I was seen as a guy I could carry a wallet, phone, keys, gameboy, and still had room for other stuff in my pockets.
You want to use your station to lift people up--YOU ARE A HERO!!! We need more people like you, but if you continue lifting people up on your own then others will take notice, hopefully, and change by themselves! you're a hero!!!!
I definitely recognize a lot of this for myself, except in reverse. Before coming out as a trans woman and starting my transition I never really had any fear of moving around after dark, these days I very aware. Also the thing about crying, then I am now actually allowed to cry. I grew up in a time where a boy/guy was not allowed to cry. A guy just had to man up and move on. I feel more expectations to my appearance these days. But I definitely have also become more vain, so I don't really mind it. Regarding the loss of male privileges, I was already low on the totem pole as I presented as an effeminte gay male. So the losses were mininal, especially since I jumped right into passing as a white straight cis woman. One area that I feel has changed a lot is how men seem more willing to help me with work, even when I don't need help. As if I am not really that competent. Or maybe it was just that before they were afraid I was contagious and they would catch the gay.
The babysitting thing is so annoying though. Like at my grandmother’s funeral (we were very close) I was like 13 at the most and all my dad’s cousins expected me and my sister to skip the funeral to watch their kids, something that was not expected of my male cousins who had never spoken to my grandmother in their lives
Wow, this was such a fascinating video! I watched the partner video to it as well. Really honor your perspective and the humbleness, honesty, tenacity, eloquence and vulnerability with which you present it! Super happy I found your channel. Also, unrelated: your “COVID hair” looks fantastic.
I think your experience here is fascinating and I really appreciate your sharing. I'm a cisgendered boomer, female (also very short by the way at 4'11"), who just never put up with sexist crap from anybody. Ever. In my generation, a really short woman pretty much had two choices - be super assertive or be a doormat. I chose assertive.
12 year ago I was almost stabbed, so directly afterwords I went to the cops (litterally on the next street) and told them everything that happened and everything that i could remember of the assailant, but because I was crying from the shock of what had happened they litterally laughed & told me to go home, btw I was 20 then and I was a very emotional person back then
I can definitely relate as a gender fluid person. I get taken much more seriously when I go out masculine than feminine and I worry much less about safety. But also because I am gender fluid, I only rarely get male privilege because most people have seen me as both a man and a woman. As soon as someone sees you in a dress, they know that you're a gender minority and treat you completely different
The crying one is interesting. I am a straight, married, enchilded 6'2, 280lb dude with a bushy beard, but I made a decision years ago to never hide or suppress when I was crying. This extends to reading poetry to my year 9 class (high school teacher for 15+ years) and tearing up, and never had a single negative comment, but plenty of positive feedback (usually well after the fact). Probably a good example of the fact that privileges tend to compound, and things that would be held against someone with fewer privileges are suddenly flipped and seen as a boon. Good video btw.
"Not being taken seriously" despite being an expert is the one that can cause actual issues professionally. Personal example: Last job was a constant struggle to get projects, ideas, anything across as the manager (male) essentially had deaf ears to the few women on the team. I'd often get non substantive, distracting questions from him if i presented anything. And usually an inaction-able response. Used to think it was just me, but overtime noticed the trend. This guy would littterly sit up straight and pay attention to a male intern over a female staffer. To further test this, I had a (male) peer present my work once ...and it was un-questioned and approved. this behavior was an actual time wasting hamper to me being able to do the job he (theoretically) wanted me to do well. Drove me nuts. Fast forward a year; new job, new team. Better gender and general diversity. And magically this issue just went away. It's insane. I can just *do* my job and not have to do legwork of leveraging 1-5 other allies to get it done. Saves everyone time and money! Shit gets done faster! Win-win!
4:58 BOOM! That’s a MOOD. Nothing sucks more than caring about something, and trying to tell someone over and over again, not feeling heard and having no one to back you up, and then start crying out of no where when you REALLY don’t want to cause it’ll undermine your message, and you just KNoW they’ll use it against you. Then they do, and that just makes you feels like crud because of how much it reminds you of the world we live in and drives home how much you just want to be HEARD, then you try to point it out AGAIN, and the cycle starts over again. You just can’t win. Thanks for calling attention to this, though. I really appreciate it.
It's very interesting to hear someone explain the different male privileges that I've always observed since very young. I've had a friend try to tell me that women are now treated as equal, to which I answered "spoken like a white man". He didn't realize. I've had to constantly prove myself and be more aggressive (which had me labeled as a bitch) to advance my position at work. And when I surpassed my male manager's performance, he refused to congratulate me and shake my hand (as did the managers above him). It was a struggle to prove that my solutions were leading us to success. I stayed surrounded by men in this higher position for 5 years and then left. All the while, my manager tried to make me his mistress all along in order to dominate. I have rejected him verbally and physically many times and refused to meet alone. This, would never happen if I was a man. Thank you for being upright and not talking advantage of these privileges yourself to minimize women. More should follow your example. BTW, I have an exe gf who transitioned and now treats women like crap. He tried this with me but I put him back in his place. Sad that I had to. Some FTM transition for that reason alone: to be respected.
I'm actually one of the five persons with the highest ranked positions at my current job and I noticed that the women do more of the cleaning and helping around while we socialize at meetings with all the employees. This includes a colleague who has the second highest job and myself. So, one day I asked a few of the men to help the women who were cleaning up and it was so strange, because I'm pretty sure they felt I was using my position to make them work (I even felt that way) and it upset them, but, nobody ever asks the women to help out and they never express any discomfort at doing it. My boss, who is male, laughed at them and was okay with me making them clean up and even joked later with me about it but he never got up and offered to help himself.
This is such a great conversation to be having! An interesting perspective on a hugely important topic. Also, you’re one of my very favourite content creators, and I always love to see new videos from you! :)
Stuff like this makes me realize more and more I was never seen by society as a women but more as an unattractive confusion. I didn't conform to a degree that I couldn't be put in boxes.
I have mostly vice and versa experience. The worst is the street harassment. I have always to take care what's going around me especially when man or group of men are involved. I'm tall, very tall, but this doesn't matter. Boring... I'm often involved in conversation with women, I have the chance to have grown my own children so I have a good experience about children whether boy and girl.
I am afab nb, read as a female. And I cannot forget one stupid thing about being treated as a woman. I was in college and where I'm from in winter it gets to about - 30 degrees Celsius. And women are forced to wear skirts to some places like that college, no matter the temperature no pant allowed. Ugh I hate it. I wish I could be more rebellious back then.
So I just stumbled onto this video and I love that you are using your abilities to help voice for others. You my man, are an exceptional person who is leading our world in the right direction. I can’t wait to see what you can do!!!
I was never scared of walking home late at night, but I've been hurt by being asked to walk someone who was ill back to camp instead of helping move a jacket on the paleo dig, despite being one of 4 people who moved it before (a lot smaller crew).
I'm a trans guy, 15 years old, and I've been dressing and passing as a guy for years, which means I've never been catcalled. And I was so surprised when I heard that most of my friends had been catcalled at some point, even though when I heard that, they were all 14 and 13 years old. It was weird and I still feel guilty for not realizing how often that happens and how big of an impact it has, just because I've never experienced it myself.
I started transitioning at 14 and I often passed as a boy even before that so I've never really experienced first-hand sexism or misogyny, but I've still definitely noticed a difference in the way people treat me. I especially remember one time I was walking with a friend who's a girl, and someone started catcalling her despite her being clearly not interested. And then as soon as I told the person to stop, they backed away and left us alone. I was kinda shocked to see how a "no" from a guy meant so much more to that person than the actual CONSENT OF THE GIRL THEY WERE TALKING TO.
Right? It’s disgusting! It’s like they think a woman is just there to belong to a man, and if she’s not “claimed,” she’s a free object. But if a guy has already “claimed” her, THEN they’ll apologize. It’s backwards and I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count. And think about the all of the times there isn’t a man there, and if the woman can’t get the guy to leave her alone...
feelsbadman😔
it's because they're cowards. once someone who can actually have a fair fight with them gets involved, they back off.
but when it's with someone they can easily overpower, THAT'S when they strike.
As a lesbian, I hate when some guy is flirting with my girlfriend and she's heavily uncomfortable, sometimes she just make a sign to let me know she's uncomfortable and even when the guy know we are partners some still try go pursue her, wtf. Why is it so difficult to show decency? With my brother, if he appears and says that his girlfriend is in fact, his girlfriend they stop but that doesn't happen all the time in my case.
@@crystalwolfgang8230because they need to learn to actually respect women
"Pockets!"
Cute story: shortly after coming out as a trans femme enby, I made friends with a recently out trans masc enby. I gave them some of my old jeans since were were about the same size and shape (both built like sticks). One day we were about to go to lunch together and they were wearing the jeans and complaining about having to carrying their big phone everywhere. I said, just put it in your pocket. The look on their face as the phone just kept sliding in, deeper and deeper, until it was completely swallowed by the pocket was magical.
haha wholesome
Robin Richardson
Ah, the glory of big pockets!
I find this story quite bitter.
@@Alina_Schmidt is that because you don,t have any satisfyingly pocketed garments?
I once took an ereader from my side pockets and a female friend freaked out a little bit. She could not comprehend how such a "large" device (not very large, but larger than a phone) fitted in the pocket. She asked me if she could try it herself.
"Existing in public normally", "being taken seriously", why am I getting so emotional over not having these things
Because you're a human being and that shit isn't fair
Because these are important things
I didn't like that either. It sounded like existing as a woman is abnormal.
Because you just realized you haven't EARNED those things like everyone else that has them.
@@rsrt6910 hard truth
About pretending to be your girl friends' boyfriend, I remember reading an article about it that phrased it really well: men don't respect the woman enough to take her "no", but they respect they boyfriend's "ownership" enough to back off. Doesn't matter what the girl they're hitting on wants, but if they're on someone else's territory, they move on.
It's disgusting but it's true. That's why saying "I have a boyfriend" sometimes works. Not because they respect the fact you're in a relationship you want to be faithful to, but because you've been marked as someone else's territory.
I wish a woman could just say "no" and not have to give any reason why she's not interested. Because you don't need one.
OMG, that's vile... & almost certainly correct. Sigh.
Alice Teague
That’s so true.
“Funnily” enough, even saying you’re a lesbian doesn’t often work. Me and my friend were on vacation in Spain years ago and two guys came up to us, when we were sitting on a beach in the evening. They were polite enough, but wouldn’t leave us alone. We started walking home and they just walked with us, uninvited. We told them we were gay (a lie to get them to leave), and they just laughed and told us they didn’t believe us. Eventually they left, but it was really frustrating.
Personally I just think those type of moron guys are just scared of having to fight an actual man when he's standing right there, so they back down.
@@haggisa so true! I am pan and a while ago this guy started texting me. I immediately clarified that I was not interested in dating but he said he still wanted to keep texting to practice his language skills (he learned my native tongue as a second (or third?) language). So I thought there was no harm in texting a bit back and forth.
He then wanted to meet me and I agreed but had to cancel rather spontaneously because I had a stomach bug. He literally did not believe me and demanded to talk to me on the phone. So I called him and he demanded to know why a ditched him. I then explained (as I had done) that I was ill. He did not believe me and then told me that I should date him. I told him that I wasn't interested and that I had told him so from the beginning on. He then presumed I had a boyfriend and said he could understand if I was already taken. I was annoyed that he wouldn't take my no without a reason/"excuse" so I told him I was single. He still did not believe me that I just wasn't into him. So then I finally told him I was interested in women (which is technically true although I have also dated men in the past) and he said it doesn't matter. He could "turn" me.
He would have left me alone if I had had a boyfriend, though. Worst conversation ever. I blocked him afterwards.
I'm gonna be harsh here, but many girls don't know what they want. They might say no, but they don't really mean no, they just haven't made up their mind yet.
(I've had a girlfriend for over 4 years that told me no at first. And my current girlfriend for over 7 years also told me no at first...)
So understandably it's difficult for some guys to distinguish the real no from a 'I haven't made up my mind yet" no.
But yes, there are also some guys that are stupid.
This omg, I used to work in a store and was part of the tech team I'm a huge nerd and I'm female, I had an incident where I got asked to look at a faulty games console. The customer came in and was talking to the manager of the store and he said "I can get someone more knowledgeable to look at this for you and if we can't fix it we'll do an exchange" so he calls me over I take a look his PS3 has overheated and his disc has gotten stuck so I take it upstairs to retrieve the disc clean out the vents and test it on one of our tvs. I came back downstairs and not only did the guy not thank me he did not believe me when I told him I got the machine to work, I exchanged it for him anyway and he still asked for a different colleague to test the new machine because he didn't believe I knew what I was talking about. My manager was mortified and asked if that happened to me when he wasn't in store and I was like "oh yeah all the time".
Even with everyday things that aren't that hard to comprehend no one believes you if you are female.
@LittleV179 (no "reply" option to your comment), but OMG - YES!... I feel you!... It is so sad & utterly frustrating to be constantly questioned/invalidated or dis-believed!! 》Especially when engaging in stereotypically male-dominated activities. [My grandmother would not allow me to go to tech-school OR to play drums because those were for "boys", sooo I taught myself in BOTH areas!!!] ~
As a woman who is mechanically inclined, I have also worked in s computer store in new-builds once my boss saw my potential!... PLUS:
😒 #1) I installed things on my car and yet seen an auto-repair guy's wide-eyed shock while looking at my work and exclaiming: "Wow! - YOU did that?!" 🙄 #2) I re-wired my home and fixed electrical malfunctions to the dismay of inspectors who verified that it was up to code. & 🤭😳 #3) totally demonstrated [a "show off"] my drum-skills on numerous occasions when not only doubted that I could play but also when a music-store clerk offered to show me their keyboards with "drum-beat and rhythm functions" as I was looking at their percussion instruments. 😠
Glad your manager realized how wrong it was at least that really sucks though
You actually got a tech store job!! I have applied before. Interviewed. Nothing. I did a multi course certificate in tech support, only got interviews when I put just my initials on my resume. Once they sussed out I was female, end of interview. I heard this happens a lot to women who want to be in tech....
I just left a job that was bad for my mental health. I was stretched thin, laughed at for asking for a raise, and told to get used being short staffed. When I put in my notice they offered me a 3$ raise. I said no, and they had to hire three new people to replace me.
When capitalism views the workforce as a disposable resource, I suspect the management team is expecting 2 of the 3 replacements to not make it through on boarding. Businesses plan for high churn and burnout. 😣
That three dollar raise Probably would’ve been to keep you around for long enough to train a younger newbie who wouldn’t have complained before finally firing you for something really petty but *technically legal*
Feels bad man
Glad you got out~
@@gingermaniac5484 Actually they wanted to keep me so they could fire my boss. Then have me do her job without the title or pay. That poor woman gets shit on so often.
That is actually more insulting, I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions and that you had to spend so long in that kind of environment, do you know if your (ex)boss is okay?
@@gingermaniac5484 I don't know but I need time away from them. When I say I just left, I mean my last day was Monday.
I’m a trans gal, and I recently went for a late night walk because of covid and the summer heat. Three cars circled the block around me, with three male drivers trying to talk to me or get me into a car. This was in the span of two hours.
Aren't people delightful? 🙄 I hope everyone in your world learns to treat you like a lady.
Then go back to being a man
@@P03ticJustice what about cis gals like me? Are we supposed to transition into men so we can enjoy a late night walk undisturbed?
P03ticJustice comes slamming into the youtube comment section to give the unironic advice of “conform or die” but in a more palatable set of phrases. It was neither poetic nor just, but alas - the critique will go unnoticed in favor of an easier target. Trying to fix one’s own warped sense of survival is to undo trauma, but telling a trans person to conform? That’s as easy as a sneeze!
Go off, little one. One day, your rage will turn to ash, and behind you will be a trail of nothingness as you burn through reality with your fabricated sense of normality. Your instinct that tells you to conform or die will also be gone, and you’ll be left with no one real. Not even yourself. No one can be their truest selves, not even the conformed, in a world where conformity is how we survive.
Zeta Zimmer
I am sorry that you’re struggling to find a comfortable place and time to be yourself. The closer we get to an equal world, the more complex our social, political, and economic problems become. But without people willing to be themselves in an unequal world, we will never find a day where we even could call ourselves equal. So thank you for being you, and I wish you the best of luck in navigating this weird and messy planet. May your life be long and full of love (:
As a cis-gendered, bi WOC, I completely agree with the fact that mens clothing is made to last. I have mens flannel that has survived for YEARS.
This is so true.... I have a mission in life to make women clothing that can also last aa much as men... I'm starting a sewing/fashion IG 😅 not self promotion but seem relevant??? If interested, is @sew_ozzywar_made_this 😅🙃
I gotta admit, I dont share that expirience... I actually have a hard time to find good sturdy stuff. Most jeans I buy break after half a year to a year, max, some times after a couple of months.
And yea, flannels last a bit longer, but even then, the oldest shirt I have is only 2 years old, and already pretty much done.
Meanwhile, my dad has shirts he literally had for decades, that are still good.
Literally the only stuff I could find, that is really sturdy is work wear, but I cant run around in cargo pants everywhere ^^
When my brother is done with clothes I will 100% snatch them up because they are allways in good condition!
@Scarlet Baxter And whyyyy are the buttons on women's vintage clothing BACKWARDS??!!... This one has always perplexed me! ~ But (as a cis-gal), I have often found mens pants to fit better (i.e. can just go get the right measurements of 30×30 rather than HAVE to try on 3 different sizes of the same pair: 8, 9, 10... because every brand/style is cut differently!) 😭 ... I mean, as a woman - everyone assumes we LIKE shopping or spending more time in stores, but I just wanna go grab what I need and GO rather than wait in line for a fitting room and go through the hassle of changing, doing a squat/bend test to make sure the waist-line doesn't gape open to reveal my underwear or butt, then finding the return-rack or person to give their room # tag back, before making my selection... Ugh.
I wonder if it has something to do with men being expected to do the harder work and thus needing clothes that last
I knew that when I transition (trans woman), I would loose male privilege, but I never knew what to expect. Only three days into HRT, a man trapped me and tried to get me to go with him. I'd never been more scared in my life, and that encounter taught me that I now have to be extra vigilant, even in broad daylight. Also, I never really liked men's clothes, but I will admit that I miss pockets.
That's horrible!
How did you get out of this situation?
Jacqueline Brittany
I’m so sorry he did that to you. I hope you’re ok. ❤️
I kind of don't want to like your comment because it's so horrible. I'm sorry that happend to you and I'm angry at this misogynistic, sexist and transmisogynistic entitlement.
@Rosebud you definitely lose privilege, if you don't pass is not like society treats you like a man, society treats you like a joke and like a monster
No matter how woke you were pre-transition, you will still have occasional experiences that make you think “women deal with WHAT?”
10:21 They do! Even in m/f households where both partners are working and they perceive themselves to do equal housework, women typically do 60% of the chores. Plus women went on strike for a bit in Iceland - they made their husbands make meals, take kids to school, &c - and the country completely broke down. That protest caused a lot of progressive reforms :)
That's awesome! How was the protest organized? What progressive reforms did it lead to?
@@DjurslandsEfterskole in the
60's I think.
Small country, helped to organize.
First country to have equal wage in law, to have a woman président,...
@@DjurslandsEfterskole wikipedia has a whole page on that , i think it s called the long friday or something Like that, apparently the whole country whent nuts and suddenly everybody understood thé amount of things women gets done.
Cause they did not thought that it was work and how much things where done without then seeing wenn it is Not done.
yooo iceland is one of my hyperfixations (idk why)
Overly Friendly Cryptid
That is so fantastic! Can you confirm it was called The Long Friday? I’d like to research this more, cause my country could deeeefinietly do with reforms like that.
I had a man tell me “ I knew a female principal once, and she got fired.” I ask him what’s your point because I’ve known men to lose a position before as well. He was shattered and laughed as he walked away.
The number of times I was ignored and my ideas glossed over when I worked in the corporate world still makes me cringe when I think back on it.
Once I finally lost my cool, because we were going to make the same dumbass mistake we'd been making with a website redesign that we'd been making for the past 5 redesigns. I launched into a tirade, pointing out all the things we'd learned the last several times and implored my colleagues not to repeat those same mistakes.
What happened? I was forced to apologize and naturally we proceeded in the way the IT guy that insisted we do it his way because it was an 'industry best practice.' (and guess what? we had the same level of failure we had the previous 5 times!). Ugh!
I wonder how much differently that entire interaction would have gone if I'd been read as male instead of female back then.
So I used to GM a chain retail store, and my company launched an entirely new product line. My store was the hub for this product in the area, and I quickly got overwhelmed and was working insane hours, even for a retail manager. My regional manager asked me what he could do to help me, and I listed 3 things I needed his support and sign off on. He scoffs and goes "Naw, naw kiddo, you just gotta buck up! It'll get better!" SPOILERS it did not and I just burned out real hard. The guy after me lasted 6 months, and the core team I had so carefully hired and were so loyal to me quit because he was terrible.
Around the time of my replacement being fired, the regional manager gets shunted sideways and replaced. The new guy convinces my AGM to take the GM role, and I think he's still there, several years later. You know why? They implemented every change I had previously asked for, and made it physically possible to keep up with the work load. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
this is saddening ...
"Industry best practice", "industry standard", etc. are a gaslighting technique. As an afab software developer, I can attest that 100% times it was used on me, the "standard" in question turned out to be a recommendation, usually by just one person with a reputation in the field, and almost always followed by a remark that "it's just a recommendation, use with caution and adapt to your project". And every time I tried to confront my colleagues about it I got a "everybody does that, now shut up" reply.
UPD: sorry, my comment got eaten by YT ^^;
Wow, so sorry that happened to you
That actually reminds me of an incident I had in elementary school, but Idk if the reason was privilege
@ That's bullshit because the bosses always listened to the men on the team, never the women.
When things went right, the men got the credit, even if a female team member had first proposed the idea. If things went wrong, the women were blamed, even if they were not part of the decision process.
I expect doctors don't dismiss your pain now. I almost died with an infected gallbladder having spent months trying to convince my male doctor the pain was real.
I'm so mad at that doctor, but so glad you're okay. That is a HUGE one I forgot to mention. Tough to tell for me because I started going to a female doctor at an LGBTQ+ clinic shortly before transitioning so I think they'd listen to me either way, but I definitely experienced that at other places previously!
I'm reading up on mens' lib and learning that men are actually highly discouraged from going to the doctors. Friends, family, partners, even doctors have told men to suck it up, pull it together, be a man and stop wasting the medical system's time and resources. There are horrible stories of men refusing to go to the doctor for a small cut, and ending up having to amputate a foot, because the infection has gone off the rail. Countless partners begging and sometimes forcing loved ones to go to the doctors.
It's crazy. It seems in the patriarchy, everyone's medical concerns are undermined.
I'm so sorry your were treated to badly. I'm ftm too and have chronic pain and just generally a bunch of health problems but I get taken less seriously now. Having being trans on my record means they already think I'm attention seeking or over reacting (at least I think that given the way they treat me). I guess this says much more about LGBT discrimination rather than how men are treated, but yeah it did surprise me that I'm not taken more seriously.
When I had an acute inflamed gallbladder, I was told that men are underrepresented in this disease. Ftm passing moderately well after 3 years HRT (having started transition age 46). I also shared a room with another cis man, who had a gall bladder surgery. Yes, doctors take my health concerns more seriously now.
@@NickUncommon an inflamed gallbladder is 3 times more likely to be a female complaint, especially after pregnancy or using the contraceptive pill, so men are at times discounted, which I agree is so wrong. The most common factors are the 5 F's: Fat, fair, female, fertile and 40+; I fitted all 5. My doctor understood I had an inflamed gallbladder, so I lost weight and modified my diet accordingly, however I believed it was infected, which he consistently refuted. I ended months later with an emergency dash to hospital to have it removed - it was immediately incinerated.
THE HE-PEAT!!! I honestly thought this was a tv/movie trope for a long time and this didn't really happen in the workplace. Cut to 2 years ago, I'm managing my first large scale project as a project manager AND i pass as a cis women in the workplace (i'm actually non-binary). In our weekly departmental meeting I suggest a resolution for a problem and volunteer to do more work than necessary. My boss say "no no, we don't want to do that". 3 days later in another meeting to prep for discussion the same issue with our client, my boss says "I was talking to [the other male manager working with this client] and we've decided [repeats almost word for word what i had previously suggested]. I was at a loss for words, and I couldn't believe that had actually happened to me. Now I have to assert myself and say things like "As I had mentioned in our meeting previously" or "That's a great suggestion and I was planning something very similar" because i'll be damned if I let someone take credit for my work just because we have different genitals.
Once I was at a job interview for a corporate job as an assistant. Most of the people who worked there were men, and I was being interviewed by men who asked if I’m okay with the fact that’d I’d be working with mostly men. At first I thought they were asking if I’d feel comfortable, which I appreciated, but then they said something along the lines of, “Because you’ll have to act professional,” and implied that they thought I would try to flirt. I accepted a different job (the corporate job didn’t hire me anyway, but I still wouldn’t have worked there).
When I presented female, me being nice to men often got mistaken as flirting. Cismen are my least favourite people honestly.
@@theonlyenekoeneko that’s pretty sexist
Even as someone well read on the subject of privilege I find it mind blowing and insightful to hear someone who has experienced both sides confirm it. I feel like a lot of the time I as a girl see things like this but don’t really believe it myself (internalized misogyny ugh). Hearing it from you is super reassuring and something everyone should hear! Guys need to open their mind to what we women and feminine presenting people experience everyday, and for us it’s nice to hear it’s not all in our head.
Edit: I want to add that we should be aware of this and this feeling when talking about other minorities. Listen when POC speak their truth and what they experience. Just because you personally don’t see it as a white person doesn’t mean it isn’t happening!
Nora well said
Well said, I totally agree!
So true. I didn't realize until this video that I actually also experienced some of the things he mentioned. I always thought I never experienced it but I actually did.
I used to have to often prove that I know what I'm talking about when I just wanted to have a nice conversation about computers and tech. Since I transitioned and presented online as a guy, people took me more seriously. Its crazy.
I hope to make a difference once I'm read as a guy.
This is so painfully true! As a passing cis woman and feminist I technically know this. But often I think it's not really happening to me or it's just my dad acting so very rational because he thinks I'm an angry feminist. It feels like it's more about my positions being radical (like, demanding that marginalized people are treated with respect and making sure their voice has an actual place in democratic society...).
But then again, maybe this and so many other situations are just misogyny and sexism. Mostly very subtle. And I feel I have no way to find out - not even to speak about holding people (men...) accountable if it is.
There's one thing I can relate to here! That thing about a man asking you to explain what a term means.
I had a white man (online) ask me if I was sure I knew what "colonizer" means. I am Jamaican. Our Parliament still refers to the Queen in its opening prayer, we still have a Governor General. Yes, sir, I DO know what a colonizer means!
I take public transit--and as a man, I can call out a guy who is hitting on a woman (or, as is often the case, a girl) who is clearly uninterested and uncomfortable. This does sometimes lead to some scary moments, as the guys can take this as a challenge to their manhood--but it's worth it to see the relief these girls feel when I'm the guy's focus instead. And I can usually talk the guy down, pointing to her body language. Even the ones who get off on making women uncomfortable are reluctant to admit it.
Worst thing is that the bus can be full and nobody is doing anything at all, just looking away. And when you raise your voice and interfere you know they wont help you if the guy decides to go violent, they are not helping the woman, they sure as hell won't be helping some guy.
A few years ago, there was this guy on the bus who would purposely position himself near women on the bus, and grab himself and say inappropriate things. It was really creepy. This guy ended up getting reported to the driver by me and a few other women on the bus.
Please keep doing this. It can be so terrifying.
@@jonasmiekkamies Not doing anything is a silent reinforcement to the perpetrator that they aren't doing anything wrong. The bystander affect is a terrible thing that almost everyone is victim too at some point, and I wish humans were built better. We're social creatures that can't survive on our own, so why does no one help each other?
I transitioned in the other direction and can tell you that I notice all the same differences, albeit in the other direction. Of course a trans woman is in twice the danger in most of these circumstances. That's why we work so hard to pass, to be only as threatened and abused as a regular cis woman. We aspire to the great heights of somewhat less marginalization.
The biggest difference I notice is how much you are allowed to speak in a group. I used to quite enjoy being the center of attention and grabbing up to 70% of the speaking time over four other people and I was usually entertaining enough that this was fine. Now if I speak as much as half as much as the next quietest person I start to get dirty looks. This is even the case in the same groups of friends that used to be fine with me hogging the mike.
Seriously, the difference is truly jarring and it is not fun to be silenced.
"That's why we work so hard to pass, to be only as threatened and abused as a regular cis woman. We aspire to the great heights of somewhat less marginalization." Wow...what a culture we live in. This really sucks.
I'm a older white trans man and do not pass - even remotely - but I have thought about young black trans men and the oppression that young black cis men face and how scary it would be to pass as male, be subjected to the same kind of police harassment as black men, and then upon being booked having it discovered that your anatomy is "wrong". Such an awful world. And, to be sure, I know that young black women get harassed by cops, too, I just think it is even more intense for young black men.
Honestly I've never really been one to stand out as a guy. I get interrupted by louder people all the time or just straight up ignored
This is obvious but taking your shirt off in public. Y’know and not run the risk of being sexually harassed or assaulted.
Something like that happened to me when i was 15. I don't do shit like that in public anymore.
Well you have breasts, thats sexual. It would be like a guy showing in underwear in public
This is true but I'm a guy and I never take my shirt off in public unless i'm swimming in which case women also don't have their shirts on
@@liamii5603 lol no. Breasts aren't inherently sexual. Stop objectifying women.
@@liamii5603 Men's chests are sexual too yet we're not expected to cover those..
I noticed how much less I smiled as a guy and it was such a relief. Had never realized before how much pressure I felt to smile.
i am looking forward to this so, so badly. i feel like a fucking clown the way people expect me to plaster a smile on my face just for the simple fact of them looking in my direction. if i don't, i'm read as a bitch and having an attitude (way worse than for white 'women', i imagine, because i'm black). i work in an all-male space and i notice how little they're expected to smile compared to me (i'm closeted, and started transitioning after starting at this job) and it infuriates me.
As a cis but not super feminine woman I fully support expanding formal attire options. I'm not super comfy in dresses/heals/makeup, but I'm also REALLY NOT a button up/tie/full suit kinda girl either.
how about a cute but comfy blouse with suity type pants and dress shoes?
And as for makeup, well applied foundation (or just bb cream if you have good skin) with mascara goes a long way!
Me too! I’m a cis woman who doesn’t really like wearing dresses and makeup all the time but doesn’t love wearing tuxedos all the time
Dude when you said something about men not thinking that you’re flirting with them HOLY SHIT dude. All I want is just to be friends with some guys without any romantic intention and recently I was invited to a game of D&D with some male coworkers and I’m not yet out nor passing in the workplace and I’m afraid that if I go they will see me as a quirky girl rather than one of the guys which is preventing me from going altogether
All the D&D groups I've been in have had a mix of genders. I don't think it's that big of a deal anymore in the gamer world, but do proceed with caution.
Go! D&D is a ton of fun and generally things like sex/gender tend to fade away when you’re smashing a skeleton’s face in with a greataxe.
I've been in about 6 different D&D groups my whole life and every time I was the only "female". I loved it :D I put female in quotes because I know that I'm non binary now lol. D&D is a blast and as long as you're a fun/creative player, the guys will treat you like one of their own. Bonus points if you can make them laugh or if you bring snacks lol.
@@joycelinlgbtq sadly in the game world it still exists. Not as much though i will agree on that! The amount of times i've been shit all over for being female on a video game is still highly depressing. If your worst than the guys they tell you "you suck you shouldn't be playing" and if you're better than them at the game then its "there's no way a bitch is better than me". Heard it all so many times its why I don't talk on mic chat in video games. :( there's just no winning as a female.
@@TheSpaceyCat in-person tabletop RPG groups & LARP groups tend to be way better than rando 13 year old edge lords in the anonymity of their own homes. There are some neckbeard types around but I have never personally encountered or seen any negativity toward anyone based on gender.
I know I shouldn't need to hear this from a man to feel validated but damn. Thanks for making this.
well you won't get validated from another woman, they put each other down all the time in order to raise themselves up.
i've seen girls acting all friendly then when one went to the bar the others all had a good bitch about her, they smiled on her return like nothing happened.
then another left and they all slagged her off.
@ some women are like that. But I would say the vast majority are not. I get most of my validation from women. Especially when it comes to dealing with sexism.
@ internalized misogyny is horrible but also LEARNED BEHAVIOUR, also if they're constantly talking shit about each other maybe they shouldn't be friends
As a woman, this is so interesting to listen to!
I’m just going into high school and something I noticed is that before I transitioned and came out some of the girls would tell me that I wasn’t pretty or would try to give me tips on what I could do to make myself look better and now those same girls compliment how nice my eyebrows are, how nice my hair is, and just general things on my physical appearance when I haven’t really changed and I’ve always looked very masculine and like a boy
Omg, I'm exactly the same way cause I've always looked masculine and people used to bully me before I came out. Like right before I came out at the end of 8th grade I cut my hair and was bullied for it.
Kyle Comeau I had very similar experience, when people perceived me as a girl I was picked on by girls and they would tell me my leg hair was disgusting and that I had too much facial hair. But now that I'm perceived as a man I get compliments on those same masculine features.
@@ezrenficker4502 By facial hair do you mean. like, thick eyebrows? Or are you one of those few AFAB people who could actually grow a beard and mustache?
I'm just curious, if you would rather not talk about it, I respect that as well.
G Pettus I had a visible mustache and some chin hair by about age 11. I had a higher testosterone level than most afab people so I could grow a bit of facial hair pre T
Maybe they think you're hot now. It could also be the Male privilege thing but just the way they switched sounds like an attraction thing. Plus trans guys tend to be more attractive than cis guys.
Oh MY GOD. I just realized because of this video that part of the reason I always feel like I'm not qualified enough to give advice on things (even things I'm an expert about) is due to how society invalidates females as unknowledgable or less intelligent when it comes to subjects that aren't societally feminine... Thank you for helping me put this together.
P.S. You seem like a super awesome person. We could totally be friends.
What surprised me the most when I started passing as male is the prevalence of so-called "locker room talk" whenever there are not people perceived as women around. I knew it was a thing, but I didn't KNOW it was a thing.
Braelyn Smith
That’s so interesting.
I’m wondering how drastic the change between how those men act around just men, and in mixed company actually is. Were they just being more open about who they found attractive? Were they really crude? Sexist?
@@haggisa The biggest difference was the language they used. It was mostly about strangers, like people passing by in their cars, and was crude, sexist, and objectifying. They just didn't broach the topic at all around women or people perceived as women. It was definitely not every guy who did it where I was, thankfully. Maybe a half or a third, with one in 10 being particularly unbearable. It was primarily the one in ten who also complained about feminism and how they "couldn't just talk normally anymore" or "had to be careful about who they relax around."
I feel as it more of a women can point out a women breast and 9/10 not be seen as crude or sexist while it's the opposite for men so we do it around other men to remain respectful
@AceOfHearts If someone doesn't agree with what I'm saying they can tell me and I'll change the subject but if they don't tell so then that falls on the both of us me for not noticing and you for not telling me keep in mind that that all face to face interaction start with objectification
@AceOfHearts When you meet / interact with a stranger your first assumption is based off of look / appearance and thata a fact
What you said about formal events not being friendly to gender non-conforming people reminded me of how I lost the second irl friend I came out to. She invited me to her wedding; unfortunately my dysphoria was super bad and I knew there was no way I could go to such a binary gendered space when I was already struggling so badly. Formal menswear did not fit my barbie body in a masculine way no matter how much binding I attempt, and formal womenswear had become impossible (the last time I tried it, I was still an egg and still ran out of the wedding in distress). I explained respectfully that I was honoured to be invited but was having a really hard time with dysphoria and wouldn't be able to attend. That was the last time she spoke to me, pointedly ignoring me at work or at socials. (We were also work colleagues.) It was so awkward and painful. But honestly, grand weddings are so performative, there's all these standards of heteronormativity you have to meet... Ugh. It was not her fault at all, I am just upset at society here.
YUP I'm GNC and I've been to a couple of semi-formal things and it's a nightmare to figure out what to wear even for semi-formal, I have no clue what I'd wear to a full on formal event. I have always hated mens' suits and would now flat out refuse to wear one, but I'm still fairly frequently perceived as a guy despite my presentation always being more on the femme side of androgynous so I don't know if a dress would be accepted by formal dress codes. Maybe if I could find a very feminine styled suit like you sometimes see butch lesbians wearing for weddings I could tolerate that.
@AceOfHearts I think for those of us who are versed in what dysphoria is like, it's clearly an overreaction on her part. But in her mind she's seen me appear in public in dresses (I was still wearing them to work on certain days) and she also told me I can come wearing a suit if I want to, so I can see how to her it doesn't make sense.
I'm sorry you went through that and your friend was not understanding of your dysphoria. I'm even more sorry that she still holds that kind of resentment towards you for not attending.
I would be interested to see more gender-inclusive formal attire and events. I'm a cis bi (hetero-passing) woman, but if I ever have a formal wedding, I would want my gender non-conforming friends to be able to attend without dysphoria-triggering things and feel welcome, included, and validated. Does anyone have any resources or tips on this? A video or podcast they would recommend or even personal experience?
Not too long ago, I was talking with 2 of my kids; my n.b. and my younger son. My boy interrupted me, and my n.b. (who is on T and looks masculine now) stopped him and pointed out that female looking people get talked over more, and don't-do-that especially-to-Mama.
What's an n. B.? I wish people would just write in a comprehensible manner
N.B. (also spelled enby), is shorthand for nonbinary. It's a perfectly reasonable way to write it.
@@shenenigans2037 yeah, totally, if your goal is to be understood by significantly fewer people than otherwise possible, it is indeed a perfectly reasonable way to spell it, that's true :)
@@Wandering.Homebody Well, either way, now if someone's confused as to what it means here, all they have to do is check the replies and find out. And then they know for future reference. Abbreviations and shorthands always have the potential to confuse people, but they still have a place. And now you know what N.B. means (in this sort of context), so it's not an issue anymore!
@@Wandering.Homebody That's how abbreviations, shorthands, and even words work. You hear what they mean and you learn for future use 🤷
It's so funny hearing this as I've transitioned MTF. Like so many of the things that you're excited about that you now get, I'm glad are finally gone. I couldn't stand men's clothing. It's all the same. So rough and heavy bleh.
I have definitely noticed that my male upbringing prepared me more for any sort of patriarchy that has hit me. Quiet honestly, I'm lucky to be in places where it just isn't as prominent.
I remember the days of going out at night and not being afraid, but sort of still feel that way anyways. Maybe it's naivety or that I'm a second degree black belt, but I still feel this weird sense of comfort outside even at night. It's funny, I remember I was walking around at night with a female friend of mine and some dudes walked by us and just instinctively I walked in front of her to protect her. I swear, it was just sort of a primal reaction.
Being able to cry has been so amazing for me. I just love feeling that connected to the world and people around me. I've felt so emotionally stunted my whole life and to really feel all my emotions is just fantastic.
It's strange to me that you feel less angry after transitioning. I found the same, but I found that a lot of my anger just stemmed from testosterone. As I transitioned, I felt the anger still, but it was much more tame. I didn't substitute it with crying, but instead just lessened it. I no longer need to punch pillows just to "get it out". Hated that about myself before.
I absolutely love that I can just drop the male "I need to prove myself" act. It's so freeing. Can I carry things? Sure. Do I need to? Nah. That said, I can't stand the chivalry. It feels so fake to me. Whenever someone opens a door for me or is nice or says hi just because I'm a woman (and I can confirm they never said hi to me as a man), it just kinda grosses me out and makes me a bit angry. Like, I was pretty much the same person, but because I was a guy, I was seen as less friendly and approachable. I can literally point to moments where as a guy other men would treat me like shit because they wanted to flirt with some girl. So, those little chivalrous acts just make me a bit uncomfortable. I try to approach it with good faith, but still feels weird.
The voice thing is definitely real. My feminine voice is just higher. Higher pitches don't carry as well. It's actually a bit tricky to be loud and high pitch at the same time. So, I just learned to speak up or even slightly deepen my voice so I stand out a bit. I'm use to being in front of people and being assertive, so it's not too much of an adjustment honestly.
Best part of being a woman: People don't assume I'm a creep. It's fantastic. I can hug my friends and not worry about how I'm doing it. I just do it. I can cuddle on the couch and it's great.
As a fellow woman (though cis): Your comment sounded so great and was very nice to hear. I hope that feeling safe outside is something that will never stop. It's a great thing to embrace imo.
This "chivalry" also is wheird to me. I don't have a comparison because I almost always pass as a woman - but sometimes male-read people stand and hold the door for a long time when I'm not even near the door. I don't think they'd do that for men/ male read people.
About the clothes: On the one hand I'm annoyed that female gendered clothes has smaller pockets and fits more tightly than I want often. At the same time: Yes, male gendered clothing often just looks borring and not good to me. I want shiny bright colours!
I'm glad for the positive changes you had and also all the best for the future.
yep.
i didnt transition yet, but it hurts to be a guy and just want to be one with the girls, compliment their cute outfits, etc.
but, i can't. because that'll come off as so creepy and bad to them.
it really hurts having to just sit there and watch, feeling so separate and torn away from the people you were supposed to be with.
I totally agree, it is mind boggling how the perception of a person can change with their gender. It is just recently that I'm passing, but it sometimes is like living in a different world - both good and bad, though mostly positive. The "being taken seriously" and taking "no" as an answer parts are what fascinate and make me sad the most. Yes, I do enjoy my newly found privileges immensely, but hope - like you - to use them in a productive way.
i'm mtf trans, pretransition. and i have to oposit when it comes to crying. i'm literaly dieing inside but a desert on the outside.
for tears to start flowing my body has so much stress on it that i alwais get a headach
❤️🙏🌈
Honestly I really respect you for making these videos. You could have gone stealth but instead you are putting yourself at risk because you want to help others and share a rare point of view to better humanity. It's a really cool thing to do so mad respect!
I don't know what happened during my childhood that made me hate everything I felt was a "macho" thing. I was sure women were smarter and I coined the "The Future is Female" phrase years before I learned it had been in use since the 70's (I didn't know I didn't speak English back then).
Now, as an adult straight cis dude, I have mostly female friends and I'm constantly encouraging them to find their foot in a male dominated society that is even more backwards than that of the US. I just wished male privilege was discussed more widely in broadcast media to make people understand what the feminist fight is about.
Thanks for this video. It's really eye opening to get the perspective of someone that had both experiences.
Regarding the first sentence, I would suspect there was a highly disagreeable male figure, which everyone despised and you didn't want to identify with in your childhood.
@@vivvpprof Well, all of my childhood heroes were male. They were just not macho types.
As for real-life male figures, I didn't look up to my dad because he was not as smart as I would have aspired to be. And, honestly, I wouldn't have identified with any adult around me during my childhood. Everyone felt scripted and I didn't want that for me.
I guess calmness and reasoning were very much associated with female figures in the 80s.
!!!!!!!! The crying thing!!!!! I’m not the only one who cries when they’re super super angry?? Holy shit???
omg I cry at any strong emotion, positive, negative, doesnt matter, those tears WILL fall... anger, stress, worry, joy, cute fricking animal pictures, name it :P
Between crying and shouting, I think the less worse Is cring, at least they won't label you as *histerical".
There's so much said in this video that I relate to, although I just came around it by chance.
The society I grew up in expected girls to be sweet and caring, social butterflies, always smiling and cheerful, girly and pretty pink, moderately tall and moderately skinny, always wearing makeup, not too much, not too little, be good at artistic things and less so at intelectual things. Always play the damsel in distress, but not be needy. Be silly, and never smarter than men around them.
Now, as a very short, quite chubby, very boyish, quite smart and not at all artistic girl, I was always everything a girl shouldn't be. I have seen my equally smart girl friends play dumb and act into these expectations. I could never do that. In my whole life, I met maybe three guys who didn't completely shut me off just because I was as smart as they were. I was always berated and judged for not wearing makeup and dresses, for not being slim enough, for not being girly enough.
The part that worries me the most is that every time I mention it to women around me, I get the same answer.
"You're exaggerating, everything is fine, you just have to act accordingly and people will like you. Just smile more, play dumb and wear some makeup. You'll get used to it in time."
The problems come when women don't recognise the stereotyping and double standards as a problem. I moved now to a different country, where the problems are seen as problems. Some double standards remain, but the simple thing that people, especially women, challenge these beliefs, makes the double standards lower. It is amazing to me to see how different life can be in a more open-minded society, but also it showed me how many double standards I grew up to accept as normal. And how much of me being "just wrong" was actually not that wrong after all.
Thanks for making this! As someone who started transitioning pretty young (socially at 15 and medically at 17), I think I'm not as aware of these things as people who spent more time being perceived as female in the world. As I'm starting to pass more and be in more spaces where people don't know I'm trans, it feels increasingly important for me to be aware of what gendered privileges I have and how to use them to lift up the voices of others.
As a guy, I can say that a lot of these depend on your character. I'm a fairly feminine person, though still clearly a man. I found that unless you're confident, outspoken or sociable, a lot of these privileges are significantly lessened. ALTHOUGH - I still very much understand that the privilege is still there. Whenever people talk about things like this I in a way feel ashamed to be a man. While I strongly believe it is not as idyllic for us as some people think, I really wish the other side was better off...
This is really help me as someone who reads as a Demi girl who reads as female all my life to understand and notice when this stuff is happening more.
Hi you are a good guy and gender roles can be stupid
Oh, and another thing I wonder about: How usual is it that you are pretty much expected to want children as a man? When I was in my 20's and 30's I was constantly told that it would change when I got to my 30's (stopped in mid 30's, I look younger than I am), or that it would change "once I met the right man" (heteronormative, much?), or that I really should have kids because I would be an excellent parent or some other argument. Is it as frowned upon for men not wanting to have children?
Mittens and Sunglasses
Oh god, I hate it so much. When people don’t believe me, when I say I don’t want kids and will never have them. It has happened all my life. As if women are inherently predisposed to wanting to get pregnant. What sexist nonsense.
@@haggisa I'm in my mid-fourties and still don't want to have kids. 🤷♀️
Mittens and Sunglasses
Yep. I’m 35 and I knew I wouldn’t have kids since the age of 11. The ‘funny’ thing is I literally had people getting angry at me for saying I will never have children. It was inconceivable to them. I know men experience this too, but not to the same extent.
@@haggisa It's strange that it's still like this...
Hey my fellow childfree gals! I'm 37, never want and never had them.
I've dated several childfree men and have had conversations about this, and they definitely don't have to put up with the questions/ comments as much as we do. I think since men aren't the ones birthing the children, that's why nobody asks them about it much?
Wow, I didn't even know that I experience some of this (more) because I am a woman... Thank you for these insights! :)
I'm a trans man, but I'm still not passing as such and I only recently started noticing how much people talk over me because I'm perceived to be a woman, I used to think it was normal when speaking in groups but now I see that it happens A LOT MORE to women, especially in predominantly male groups
@@gferraro2916 Yes, you are right! I got so confused when I realised that I didn't need to raise my voice for the other people, who were about half women and half men, to listen to me at one of our scout leader meetings.
I was younger maybe 19 I had a boyfriend who treated me like the way that I do things was absolutely totally stupid. He's constantly correcting me trying to tell me how I can't do this I can't do that because people will take advantage of me. I tried implementing exactly what he said but nobody would accept this behavior from a girl, especially not a young girl. We are expected to not acknowledge our worth or know our worth. That's why so many people have trouble giving women the power to have their own religious views about pregnancy. Because women are expected to lower their worth in relationship to children and men. By the way when I kept trying to act the same way my boyfriend told me to act I got fired from at least two jobs.
the babysitting thing ugh. i recently realized i needed to reassure my mom that i wasn't *really* being forced to babysit at my parents' friends' parties, which she now feels bad about. it was more just that i was 5 years older than the next oldest kid in that friend group other than my brother, and after that all the couples were having babies, so there were a lot of babies. they couldn't leave me at home, but i wasn't forced to watch the little kids, it was more just wtf else was i gonna do? be a 10 year old hanging out with drunk adults watching the superbowl? or go upstairs with the 3-5 year olds and hope i can find a quiet corner and just read or something. sometimes this friend group would do a weekend cabin trip since one family had a big cabin in the mountains. a relatively newer person in the group (married in basically) *asked* if i could watch his daughter for the afternoon *and offered to pay me*. looking back it meant a lot that he saw me as an actual human who didn't necessarily want to hang out with kids 5-10 years younger than me.
The second you brought up the NO, I started to choke up, because it just feels so good to have this experience, of not being taken seriously, validated! Thank you so much for what you're doing, you are a beautiful soul! Much love from Germany ❤️
Thank you, thank you, thank you SO MUCH for making this video!! I'm a cis woman myself and I wish people were more aware of these things!! And I wish cis men /cared/ about these things, cause it often seems they just.. don't. Even if you try to explain, they just shrug and move on. It's priceless to have a man talk about these things the way you do cause they'll take it seriously coming from a man! I love how many trans men stand up for women, thank you so much for that!
You probably can't read all comments cause you get a lot, but just in case you do see this, I really love your cool and fun style of talking about this stuff and you seem really great! Gonna definitely check out your other vids too and you just gained a new subscriber! Keep doing what you do and being amazing!
I guess I just take it for granted. I go running everyday, most times at night, because I live in Florida and the heat is crazy. But I go running in the dark, for miles, and I've never had any issue. Never anything weird, or out of the ordinary, or suspicious. And I run on back roads, not in well lit up areas.
It is really interesting to hear that this is not only my perception. I very often have the feeling to be dismissed and have the same sentence acknowledged once one of my male coworkers says it. I am always annoyed at that, but everyone tells me it’s just in my head but apparently it isn’t.
I get pissed at this, one "friend" of mine did this all the time (without even noticing), when i said something I was "nasty"
@@ApequH Wow, this is really annoying. But then again, some people think that women are "nasty" if they even stand up for themselves in any way instead of just taking any shit dumped on them.
this is why i think it's so great when trans people speak up about this, they're the only ones who know both sides.
So glad for someone to actually say that I shouldn't have had to plan parties...I'm an introvert, but was working for Cisco, it was just assumed that I would love to plan festive events. Hell, I didn't even want to attend!
As a guy, I really love just walking outside at night. The cold air in my lungs and the lack of people around is calming to me. I hate that women might not be able to experience things like that because of the (justified) fear for their safety.
Me too I never knew this was an issue for women until women in my life told me it was it’s disgusting that they can’t even feel safe walking outside at night
About pockets in clothes: even my boyfriend's *pyjama* has pockets
What?!
Yeah my boxers have pockets. It’s crazy, but I’m not complaining!
I have shorts that can fit my entire Nintendo switch in them, not even joking
Yet my girlfriend has pants with _literal fake pockets_ . Like they're sown into the fabric in the shape of a pocket, but it's just a flap. Why? Why do these things exist?
I want pockets too ಥ_ಥ
I wish people were less sexist. I feel like sexism is just so ignored to where it doesn’t even get any legitimate recognition. I think anytime someone thinks of a feminist, they think of crazy females that just want privilege (which admittedly there are people like that). But there are so many trying to actually make a change as well and just aren’t given the attention _because_ they’re women. I also hate how publicized these matters get. Everyone is trying to either criticize or publicize gender and race equality to where it’s getting caught up and everyone is missing the bigger picture. I am personally Agender but due to my inability to transition yet (and sometimes just my voice as well depending on the type of day) I get treated so often as a female it drives me nuts. Even my PARENTS treat me like I can’t do anything; even more so since I had a scoliosis surgery _two_ years ago despite the fact that even my doctor has told me that I should be able to do everything just fine now. I’m always worried about relationships when it comes to men because I’m worried they’ll see me that way as well; I much rather prefer relationships with females or non-binary people because of it. Just a small rant of mine but, uh, thank you for reading
As a trans woman and having extreme frustration with the loss of privilege (and trying to explain this to my male acquaintances and not being seen as valid, and just whining), I feel this video nails it right on the head. Amazing job Jackson, thanks for being vulnerable and so articulate.
i'm not trans but i always get my brother's hand-me-downs and i am very appreciative of the pockets
I think this video is really eye opening to people who haven't thought about stuff like that before! I really want to show this to all of my friends
Really nice video, having men acknowledging their priviledge helps a lot in the fight for equality
Ps: I really needed a trigger warning before that back to school merch announcement lol
me remembering i have less than a week of freedom till school
This already sounds like a pretty non-equal request.
@@Nelsathis sure but equality doesnt mean ignore issues
@@hazy6932 You are right. What urks me with how people speak about privilege is that you either have it, or not, which i dont agree with. Men have it in certain places, women do have it in different ones. So saying 'acknowledge your priviledge' shouldnt be exclusive to men.
@@Nelsathis but the men have more privilege in most scenarios, so its not proportional and thats why acknowledging it is helpful
I officially came out to my mom as trans ftm today (she kinda new before) and she said that I have to wait until Im 18 to get top surgery. Which sucks but she still accepts me with is good
Congrats! I hope you are doing well :)
So I'm a ftm guy in highschool and I'm read as a cis guy, and in comparison to middle school where I was read as a girl things are super different, mainly that I am not bullied for the way I look or who I hang out with and I'm actually liked by my peers.
Could I have a man in my immediate life saying these things, please? Sigh.
time for us to make transmasc friends! I feel you, this video is so validating
if a guy you know doesn't agree with at least half the shit this dude is saying he's not worth it. Traditional social constructs should be lost in the gene pool with the people who hold them
Hello beautiful people
I hope you're having a great time!
Keep it up! I believe in you c:
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Bro I love your videos, thank you so much for them ❤️
The being treated like you know what your talking about when you actually don't is a maaaaajor new source of anxiety for me in my late transition I'm so glad you mentioned it
I love watching your videos. Being able to listen about your perspective of this kind of things has helped me understand lots of things.
Since you touched on workplace privilege, one thing men can do to help women and feminine presenting people is notice and stop how jobs/duties change from being considered important and well-paid to not when they are done by women and feminine presenting people. So event planning and note taking are important examples but lots of folks have the experience of being asked/told to do a job that requires skills and experience but then having that work dismissed as less important but when men do that work it is valued, prioritized, praised and appropriately rewarded financially.
Before I met a guy who used the he-peat I always thought my friend group (mostly males) didn't enjoy my ideas or suggestions. This dude walks in and in a convo where I had spoken the same sentence twice he said the exact same thing and everyone agreed and said it was a good idea. But he was not a douche and simply said "oh you like the idea? Cus she has said it at least twice and you keep ignoring her but when I say it it's suddenly good? You should all learn to listen to her more often."
Now I make sure I am heard and I don't let anyone take credit for my ideas or work.
Going to an all-girls high school all this stuff sort of blew over my head. Makes me a little sad to think there is still this much sexism in the world. We're all in this together, everyone.
Hey, I'm a CIS male and I cry. I openly admit I can be emotional, especially at powerful scenes or events.
Ugh I feel that often I'm not taken seriously or challenged on my knowledge of things I know a lot about now that I've transitioned. I work tech support and often have guys call in asking for help, then have them dismiss the support I give them. My male coworkers have never had problems with these people in the past until I talked to them. It's really telling and makes me feel awful every time it happens.
I tend to dress in a very androgynous way and for quite a while I would look a lot like a younger boy, currently I look more feminine. But for quite a while I was used to most people never opening doors for me even if I had my arms full. At one point around when I was still commonly seen as male i was wearing very feminine clothes and no chest binder and i had my arms full and was going into a building and an older gentleman jumped up and grabbed the door for me. This was a really weird moment because I had gotten so used to balancing things and getting doors myself without a sideways look from anyone else
I almost cried watching this. The accuracy of how society treats women vs men is to a T. This needs to be shared. Men need to see this. But let's see how that goes 🙃
I find that if I'm read as a guy when in public with my kids, I'm practically given a gold star no matter what they're doing.
Even though it's the exact same behaviour I got (and still get) judgement for when read as a woman.
Men are expected to not care for children at all, so anything I do is considered excellent. Whereas women are constantly expected to be perfect caregivers and it's just like... what???
(I get less judgement now that I use a wheelchair, even when read as a woman, due to ableism and the idea that wheelchair users can't care for anyone else so I'm often given a metaphorical gold star for the same things I was previously judged for due to ableism.)
I want a gif of "men we need to get our shit together"
but also hard relate to most of this
YES stop fake pockets! I just want to carry my phone and keys but the only pants I have that can fit them comfortably is the ones I got for work, which are pretty much just women cut men’s jeans. Back when I was seen as a guy I could carry a wallet, phone, keys, gameboy, and still had room for other stuff in my pockets.
You're amazing! Thank you for your perspective!
You want to use your station to lift people up--YOU ARE A HERO!!! We need more people like you, but if you continue lifting people up on your own then others will take notice, hopefully, and change by themselves! you're a hero!!!!
You look super good with that wavy hair. Signed a flustered gay
Listening to you, I'm like YES... We need trans people, we need you to change the misconceptions of the world.. 🌍💪
I definitely recognize a lot of this for myself, except in reverse. Before coming out as a trans woman and starting my transition I never really had any fear of moving around after dark, these days I very aware.
Also the thing about crying, then I am now actually allowed to cry. I grew up in a time where a boy/guy was not allowed to cry. A guy just had to man up and move on.
I feel more expectations to my appearance these days. But I definitely have also become more vain, so I don't really mind it.
Regarding the loss of male privileges, I was already low on the totem pole as I presented as an effeminte gay male. So the losses were mininal, especially since I jumped right into passing as a white straight cis woman.
One area that I feel has changed a lot is how men seem more willing to help me with work, even when I don't need help. As if I am not really that competent. Or maybe it was just that before they were afraid I was contagious and they would catch the gay.
The babysitting thing is so annoying though. Like at my grandmother’s funeral (we were very close) I was like 13 at the most and all my dad’s cousins expected me and my sister to skip the funeral to watch their kids, something that was not expected of my male cousins who had never spoken to my grandmother in their lives
Wow, this was such a fascinating video! I watched the partner video to it as well. Really honor your perspective and the humbleness, honesty, tenacity, eloquence and vulnerability with which you present it! Super happy I found your channel. Also, unrelated: your “COVID hair” looks fantastic.
I think your experience here is fascinating and I really appreciate your sharing. I'm a cisgendered boomer, female (also very short by the way at 4'11"), who just never put up with sexist crap from anybody. Ever. In my generation, a really short woman pretty much had two choices - be super assertive or be a doormat. I chose assertive.
12 year ago I was almost stabbed, so directly afterwords I went to the cops (litterally on the next street) and told them everything that happened and everything that i could remember of the assailant, but because I was crying from the shock of what had happened they litterally laughed & told me to go home, btw I was 20 then and I was a very emotional person back then
I can definitely relate as a gender fluid person. I get taken much more seriously when I go out masculine than feminine and I worry much less about safety. But also because I am gender fluid, I only rarely get male privilege because most people have seen me as both a man and a woman. As soon as someone sees you in a dress, they know that you're a gender minority and treat you completely different
The crying one is interesting. I am a straight, married, enchilded 6'2, 280lb dude with a bushy beard, but I made a decision years ago to never hide or suppress when I was crying. This extends to reading poetry to my year 9 class (high school teacher for 15+ years) and tearing up, and never had a single negative comment, but plenty of positive feedback (usually well after the fact). Probably a good example of the fact that privileges tend to compound, and things that would be held against someone with fewer privileges are suddenly flipped and seen as a boon. Good video btw.
"Not being taken seriously" despite being an expert is the one that can cause actual issues professionally.
Personal example: Last job was a constant struggle to get projects, ideas, anything across as the manager (male) essentially had deaf ears to the few women on the team. I'd often get non substantive, distracting questions from him if i presented anything. And usually an inaction-able response. Used to think it was just me, but overtime noticed the trend. This guy would littterly sit up straight and pay attention to a male intern over a female staffer. To further test this, I had a (male) peer present my work once ...and it was un-questioned and approved. this behavior was an actual time wasting hamper to me being able to do the job he (theoretically) wanted me to do well. Drove me nuts.
Fast forward a year; new job, new team. Better gender and general diversity. And magically this issue just went away. It's insane. I can just *do* my job and not have to do legwork of leveraging 1-5 other allies to get it done. Saves everyone time and money! Shit gets done faster! Win-win!
4:58 BOOM!
That’s a MOOD.
Nothing sucks more than caring about something, and trying to tell someone over and over again, not feeling heard and having no one to back you up, and then start crying out of no where when you REALLY don’t want to cause it’ll undermine your message, and you just KNoW they’ll use it against you. Then they do, and that just makes you feels like crud because of how much it reminds you of the world we live in and drives home how much you just want to be HEARD, then you try to point it out AGAIN, and the cycle starts over again. You just can’t win.
Thanks for calling attention to this, though. I really appreciate it.
Ever since I discovered you online, I've been watching so many of your postings. So informative and delivered intelligently! I love these!
It's very interesting to hear someone explain the different male privileges that I've always observed since very young. I've had a friend try to tell me that women are now treated as equal, to which I answered "spoken like a white man". He didn't realize. I've had to constantly prove myself and be more aggressive (which had me labeled as a bitch) to advance my position at work. And when I surpassed my male manager's performance, he refused to congratulate me and shake my hand (as did the managers above him). It was a struggle to prove that my solutions were leading us to success. I stayed surrounded by men in this higher position for 5 years and then left. All the while, my manager tried to make me his mistress all along in order to dominate. I have rejected him verbally and physically many times and refused to meet alone. This, would never happen if I was a man. Thank you for being upright and not talking advantage of these privileges yourself to minimize women. More should follow your example. BTW, I have an exe gf who transitioned and now treats women like crap. He tried this with me but I put him back in his place. Sad that I had to. Some FTM transition for that reason alone: to be respected.
I'm actually one of the five persons with the highest ranked positions at my current job and I noticed that the women do more of the cleaning and helping around while we socialize at meetings with all the employees. This includes a colleague who has the second highest job and myself. So, one day I asked a few of the men to help the women who were cleaning up and it was so strange, because I'm pretty sure they felt I was using my position to make them work (I even felt that way) and it upset them, but, nobody ever asks the women to help out and they never express any discomfort at doing it. My boss, who is male, laughed at them and was okay with me making them clean up and even joked later with me about it but he never got up and offered to help himself.
This is such a great conversation to be having! An interesting perspective on a hugely important topic. Also, you’re one of my very favourite content creators, and I always love to see new videos from you! :)
Stuff like this makes me realize more and more I was never seen by society as a women but more as an unattractive confusion. I didn't conform to a degree that I couldn't be put in boxes.
thank you so much for sharing this! Voices like yours on this topic are ones that need to be heard by all!
I have mostly vice and versa experience. The worst is the street harassment. I have always to take care what's going around me especially when man or group of men are involved. I'm tall, very tall, but this doesn't matter. Boring...
I'm often involved in conversation with women, I have the chance to have grown my own children so I have a good experience about children whether boy and girl.
You're my favorite UA-camr since 2016, Jackson. You are absolutely amazing.
I am afab nb, read as a female. And I cannot forget one stupid thing about being treated as a woman. I was in college and where I'm from in winter it gets to about - 30 degrees Celsius. And women are forced to wear skirts to some places like that college, no matter the temperature no pant allowed. Ugh I hate it. I wish I could be more rebellious back then.
All you're saying is painfully true... I am sad to be confronted with it, but glad that someone is bringing this out. Thank you
So I just stumbled onto this video and I love that you are using your abilities to help voice for others. You my man, are an exceptional person who is leading our world in the right direction. I can’t wait to see what you can do!!!
you have a really cool screen presence!! idk if that makes sense but you could totally narrate videos XD
I was never scared of walking home late at night, but I've been hurt by being asked to walk someone who was ill back to camp instead of helping move a jacket on the paleo dig, despite being one of 4 people who moved it before (a lot smaller crew).
I'm a trans guy, 15 years old, and I've been dressing and passing as a guy for years, which means I've never been catcalled. And I was so surprised when I heard that most of my friends had been catcalled at some point, even though when I heard that, they were all 14 and 13 years old. It was weird and I still feel guilty for not realizing how often that happens and how big of an impact it has, just because I've never experienced it myself.