2:26 Trauma associated with my birthdays. Given gifts I dont really like, and yelled at to say "thank you". I dont like being dishonest, and I dont like surprises.
thanks for leaving in the generational clips. so real. so rare. so needed. my take on not liking birthdays is because many autists dont like being percieved. people looking at us is interpreted as a threat. happyish december 4th birthday. maybe do something with yourself/husband and kids. those teenage birthday party stories would make a good childrens book. that would get it out and help other kids. dont put on too much pressure to get over it. if you want to, you can transform the pain into something creative and meaningful.
I debated to leave them in or not. In the moment I wasn't planning on it, which is why I started the sentence over. But I prefer to stick to my minimal editing. I want y'all to see me as I am IRL and I do that all the time. I think one thing that hurt so much about my 16th is the fact I thought I had friends. I invited people who I expected to show up. It wasn't like I didn't have people to invite. And then no one came.
Just letting you know I LOVE the long videos. I have a job in accounting where I'm allowed to listen to or watch media while I work, and longform content is my saving grace. Especially content like this that is soooo deeply validating to my experience. I'm proud of you for working on apologizing less about your video length! To me, it's one of the things I love most about your videos, not something I'd ever wish to change. And I'm trying to also use this for some perspective as someone else who is constantly apologizing for being verbose/overexplaining/talking too much. Appreciate you as always, and sending lots of good vibes your way! 🫶
Illustrating the resource with your insight and experience is invaluable; personally, I could relate to a lot of your experiences; Learned a lot as always !
I'm glad you enjoyed that format! I thought it'd be fun. One thing I've always appreciated is concrete examples of how therapeutic concepts apply to other people, which helps me see how it might apply to me too.
I sure can relate to a lot of these [over explaining/apologizing, not wanting to be a burden, difficulty asking for/accepting help, , feeling guilty for relaxing, or feeling the need to earn down time, not trusting my own feelings, etc.]. It has gotten better over time and a lot of work.
I am so not prepared to pop the cork on my trauma. I suffer the same kind of black and white thinking around Trauma that you spoke of, but just for me. I've got all the nuance in the world for everyone else, but for me it's always been "Well, objectively I guess that was a bad thing that happened, but it could have been way worse so, whatever. Sucks to be me, I guess. Life goes on, I'll get over it at some point." Lots of intellectualizing my emotions away to get through this far. But I still remember how emotions felt so it's an extra scary slope to be looking down.
I actually prefer the longer videos. I usually listen when I'm cleaning or something, so it's easier to listen to one thing the whole time than to be interrupted every ten minutes by having to pick something new. But that might just be me. I'm right with you on the birthday thing - a few days later, to be technical. Not only is everyone distracted by other holidays, it always fell during exam week. I also struggle with seasonal depression, so I don't really want to socialize anyway. Blah. I used to get invalidated a lot or told that I "just wanted to be special." I'm trying to embrace it now, in middle age, but it's a struggle to reframe things like that.
That's good to hear you like longer videos. One thing I've realized on UA-cam is that what one person loves, another will hate and you can't please everyone. So it's best that I make each video just the length I need it to be to say what I want to say and let everyone sort themselves out. But... My mask is always telling me not to take up time or space so I have to fight that! December birthday's I think just are hard all around! 🤔 I still don't know what I want to do this year. I over think it until it's too late each year. I'll probably just go to dinner with my husband. (my kids don't really like to eat out.) But I change my mind on that every few minutes. So who knows!
Yeah [regarding longer videos], I am fine with it. Sometimes my head goes off on its own accord and I have to listen to it again [I do that a lot, in general, with my ADHD brain, unconsciously drifting off on side thoughts]. No big deal. I just come back to it. That is the beauty about videos. Or maybe my brain just naturally drifts off during a certain part of a video. That's OK. Not everyone is going to be 100% interested 100% of the time [or, rather, not be so prone to distraction].
This is great. For sure, not everyone likes their birthday for those who are neurodiverse or not. Thank you for your video. Hope you have a very enjoyable birthday this year!
I love your videos, especially your “long” ones. As a self diagnosed autistic woman I really enjoy putting on your videos while I am doing other things. Essentially you are my body double. I also suspect that those statistics about video length are more about what neurotic are looking for. I’d be curious what you were finding with your own audience and whether certain length of video becomes too long.
The video length is mostly me in my head, when my mask says don't take up too much time from people. Don't take up space. I don't pay attention to analytics too much. They overwhelm me. My first channel I started (before my diagnosis) I joined a "how to grow on YT group. It had a lot of advice that I think is for neurotypical audiences. So now I try to just do my own thing. 😊 But that Autistic mask does still creep in. I appreciate you letting me know you like the longer videos. Maybe it'll help quiet the voice.
Well done, very interesting video. Trauma is a way, that we perceive experiences. For some people an experience is traumatic, and for others it is not. That is why I find it so upsetting, when someone tells me to get over it. Sure, to think that my life would have been so much easier, if I wasn't so emotionally sensitive. This is part of my disability. I feel that sometimes, people could be a little kinder.
The minimizing of one's feelings is SO relatable! It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized how important it is to truly listen to my own emotions. Everyone’s feelings deserve to be taken seriously-not dismissed, ignored, or ridiculed! My parents are still ridiculing my feelings. Good thing I'm not going to get a lifepartner, because that would've been a shitshow 😳
A long, rambling road is so much more interesting and eventful than a short and straight one! I like longer videos and people who don’t can’t just check the time stamp and plan accordingly 😂
29:37 Oh my mother... She had this attitude "I'm still your mother" to justify her rule over anything I ever wanted. I never heard of "boundaries" as far as personal choices... until after my mom died. Some people may never provide for their kids, how to make boundaries. My parents would never give up their rules over me, even in adulthood they say "We wouldnt treat you like a child if you wouldnt act like one" which was a misjudgment on their part by carrying ageism ideaologies on what is appropriate for certain age levels. I was free from being oppressed by them, when they died.
I love it and greatly appreciate it if you could talk more about aphantasia and how that shows up for you! I have the same problem with words as mentioned 12:30 with forgetting how to pronounce them and then not being able to practice pronouncing it in my head, you really explained my experience with that really well!! So I am now wondering if that is something I may have!!
If I become distressed, it can be hard for me to express myself, which just leads to more frustration and feeling "stupid'" [as was so rubbed into me all through my youth from the horrible treatment from peers I had to endure, grades 1 through 8, not to mention teachers, who encouraged mistreatment for any display of neurodivergent behaviors, including "forgetting" and "not paying attention"....never mind you are only 7 years old and the majority of students already have almost one year on you].
I am pausing at 9:50 ... oh yeah, feelings dismissed can be traumatic, damaging my nervous system... I was two for my first trauma, a toddler, a memory I have been unable to forget, a memory my parents dismissed and gaslit me and accused me of having intents I never had. I never got to heal from that event (sudden angry giants stealing my favorite toy), my parents didnt want to discuss it, my parents assumed I was intentionally doing bad... when I was intentionally trying to help myself feel better, by playing with my toys by myself in the middle of the night. It was the timing they were severely angry with. My timing has been offset from society my entire life. And their anger suddenly showing up in the middle of my happyness, and I struggle to find joy in everyday living, afraid, possibly afraid that if I ever let myself be happy, I would be shot with discontent from someone else... and often times, others punish me which hurts, punished for something I never intended, punished for behaving differently. I am traumatized. I have almost no memory of words within my memories, but I have clear visual and emotional memories. I remember I felt alone in the world surrounded by people, until I met another autistic person in my adulthood, then everything made sense, I found someone who feels life, like I do. i relate to your stories so much. I appreciate you sharing your stories of your life. You are the valid author of your own lived experience. No doctor degree needed, for you to know you. I thank you for being you! ❤🩹
We have the same birthday🥳🥳 Seventeenth birthday, had a theme with matching cake, decorations, etc. nobody came. 50th birthday planned something that was kind of expensive, 4 people showed up😑 I could go on. Happy Birthday💜
I’m completely blind, autistic and have CPTSD. I wasn’t allowed to cry, because crying was a weakness. Feeling upset, angry, or have meltdowns. I had to mask stimming, meltdowns, touching things and running into things. I avoid asking for help and support. I hide my emotions, especially crying. I’ve been rejected, mocked, restricted, invalidated, even slapped or punished for behaving differently. I over explain because the feeling of being misunderstood is so maddening.
That sounds really tough. Just know that it's totally okay to feel all the feels! I'm sorry you were raised in such a way that was traumatic. Older generations just were SO wrong about processing human emotion and it's left generational trauma.
@@i.am.mindblind I am autistic and also I feel a lot of what you say about what memories I have seeming more like I am a spectator and not something I participated in.
Aw shit ❤ yeah I really feel for u, that does sound like an awful experience as a teen. On my 18th nothing happened either, and I'm in Canada so I could legally drink at 18 in Manitoba. I think I just didn't plan enough to invite anyone, but also who would I have invited? I had some friends but yeah. I ended up just buying a cigar and smoking it, it tasted like a sock lol
2:26 Trauma associated with my birthdays.
Given gifts I dont really like, and yelled at to say "thank you".
I dont like being dishonest, and I dont like surprises.
thanks for leaving in the generational clips. so real. so rare. so needed.
my take on not liking birthdays is because many autists dont like being percieved. people looking at us is interpreted as a threat. happyish december 4th birthday. maybe do something with yourself/husband and kids. those teenage birthday party stories would make a good childrens book. that would get it out and help other kids. dont put on too much pressure to get over it. if you want to, you can transform the pain into something creative and meaningful.
I debated to leave them in or not. In the moment I wasn't planning on it, which is why I started the sentence over. But I prefer to stick to my minimal editing. I want y'all to see me as I am IRL and I do that all the time.
I think one thing that hurt so much about my 16th is the fact I thought I had friends. I invited people who I expected to show up. It wasn't like I didn't have people to invite. And then no one came.
@i.am.mindblind I can see why would be upset about the birthdays. I wouldn't want to gloss over the impact.
Just letting you know I LOVE the long videos. I have a job in accounting where I'm allowed to listen to or watch media while I work, and longform content is my saving grace. Especially content like this that is soooo deeply validating to my experience. I'm proud of you for working on apologizing less about your video length! To me, it's one of the things I love most about your videos, not something I'd ever wish to change. And I'm trying to also use this for some perspective as someone else who is constantly apologizing for being verbose/overexplaining/talking too much. Appreciate you as always, and sending lots of good vibes your way! 🫶
Absolutely Agree 🙌
Illustrating the resource with your insight and experience is invaluable; personally, I could relate to a lot of your experiences; Learned a lot as always !
I'm glad you enjoyed that format! I thought it'd be fun. One thing I've always appreciated is concrete examples of how therapeutic concepts apply to other people, which helps me see how it might apply to me too.
@ You articulate your understanding and insight as a neurodivergent person really well: in a way that makes it easy to apply to myself 🙂
I sure can relate to a lot of these [over explaining/apologizing, not wanting to be a burden, difficulty asking for/accepting help, , feeling guilty for relaxing, or feeling the need to earn down time, not trusting my own feelings, etc.]. It has gotten better over time and a lot of work.
I am so not prepared to pop the cork on my trauma. I suffer the same kind of black and white thinking around Trauma that you spoke of, but just for me. I've got all the nuance in the world for everyone else, but for me it's always been "Well, objectively I guess that was a bad thing that happened, but it could have been way worse so, whatever. Sucks to be me, I guess. Life goes on, I'll get over it at some point." Lots of intellectualizing my emotions away to get through this far. But I still remember how emotions felt so it's an extra scary slope to be looking down.
I actually prefer the longer videos. I usually listen when I'm cleaning or something, so it's easier to listen to one thing the whole time than to be interrupted every ten minutes by having to pick something new. But that might just be me.
I'm right with you on the birthday thing - a few days later, to be technical. Not only is everyone distracted by other holidays, it always fell during exam week. I also struggle with seasonal depression, so I don't really want to socialize anyway. Blah.
I used to get invalidated a lot or told that I "just wanted to be special." I'm trying to embrace it now, in middle age, but it's a struggle to reframe things like that.
That's good to hear you like longer videos. One thing I've realized on UA-cam is that what one person loves, another will hate and you can't please everyone. So it's best that I make each video just the length I need it to be to say what I want to say and let everyone sort themselves out. But... My mask is always telling me not to take up time or space so I have to fight that!
December birthday's I think just are hard all around! 🤔 I still don't know what I want to do this year. I over think it until it's too late each year. I'll probably just go to dinner with my husband. (my kids don't really like to eat out.) But I change my mind on that every few minutes. So who knows!
Yeah [regarding longer videos], I am fine with it. Sometimes my head goes off on its own accord and I have to listen to it again [I do that a lot, in general, with my ADHD brain, unconsciously drifting off on side thoughts]. No big deal. I just come back to it. That is the beauty about videos. Or maybe my brain just naturally drifts off during a certain part of a video. That's OK. Not everyone is going to be 100% interested 100% of the time [or, rather, not be so prone to distraction].
This is great. For sure, not everyone likes their birthday for those who are neurodiverse or not. Thank you for your video. Hope you have a very enjoyable birthday this year!
I love your videos, especially your “long” ones. As a self diagnosed autistic woman I really enjoy putting on your videos while I am doing other things. Essentially you are my body double. I also suspect that those statistics about video length are more about what neurotic are looking for. I’d be curious what you were finding with your own audience and whether certain length of video becomes too long.
The video length is mostly me in my head, when my mask says don't take up too much time from people. Don't take up space. I don't pay attention to analytics too much. They overwhelm me. My first channel I started (before my diagnosis) I joined a "how to grow on YT group. It had a lot of advice that I think is for neurotypical audiences. So now I try to just do my own thing. 😊 But that Autistic mask does still creep in. I appreciate you letting me know you like the longer videos. Maybe it'll help quiet the voice.
@@i.am.mindblind Oh, I so get that [don't take up too much time, don't be a bother....sigh].
Well done, very interesting video. Trauma is a way, that we perceive experiences. For some people an experience is traumatic, and for others it is not. That is why I find it so upsetting, when someone tells me to get over it. Sure, to think that my life would have been so much easier, if I wasn't so emotionally sensitive. This is part of my disability. I feel that sometimes, people could be a little kinder.
Lots of thought provoking insight, but also, those pants are awesome.
Thank you! I'm super excited about them. 😁
The minimizing of one's feelings is SO relatable! It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized how important it is to truly listen to my own emotions. Everyone’s feelings deserve to be taken seriously-not dismissed, ignored, or ridiculed!
My parents are still ridiculing my feelings. Good thing I'm not going to get a lifepartner, because that would've been a shitshow 😳
A long, rambling road is so much more interesting and eventful than a short and straight one! I like longer videos and people who don’t can’t just check the time stamp and plan accordingly 😂
I would like to just say I love your style and long format videos!!!
I’m always so excited to watch them just ask my boyfriend 😂
29:37 Oh my mother... She had this attitude "I'm still your mother" to justify her rule over anything I ever wanted. I never heard of "boundaries" as far as personal choices... until after my mom died. Some people may never provide for their kids, how to make boundaries. My parents would never give up their rules over me, even in adulthood they say "We wouldnt treat you like a child if you wouldnt act like one" which was a misjudgment on their part by carrying ageism ideaologies on what is appropriate for certain age levels. I was free from being oppressed by them, when they died.
This was a great video Amanda, very authentic I found. Thank You.
I can relate to pretty much every point you made. You're right, probably a lot is trauma related.
I love it and greatly appreciate it if you could talk more about aphantasia and how that shows up for you! I have the same problem with words as mentioned 12:30 with forgetting how to pronounce them and then not being able to practice pronouncing it in my head, you really explained my experience with that really well!! So I am now wondering if that is something I may have!!
I get Tongue-tied, mine is do to spoonerisms.
If I become distressed, it can be hard for me to express myself, which just leads to more frustration and feeling "stupid'" [as was so rubbed into me all through my youth from the horrible treatment from peers I had to endure, grades 1 through 8, not to mention teachers, who encouraged mistreatment for any display of neurodivergent behaviors, including "forgetting" and "not paying attention"....never mind you are only 7 years old and the majority of students already have almost one year on you].
Thanks for your incite and the links, I am colorblind so I can't see the color of your nails. I can till the change color.
I am pausing at 9:50 ... oh yeah, feelings dismissed can be traumatic, damaging my nervous system... I was two for my first trauma, a toddler, a memory I have been unable to forget, a memory my parents dismissed and gaslit me and accused me of having intents I never had. I never got to heal from that event (sudden angry giants stealing my favorite toy), my parents didnt want to discuss it, my parents assumed I was intentionally doing bad... when I was intentionally trying to help myself feel better, by playing with my toys by myself in the middle of the night. It was the timing they were severely angry with. My timing has been offset from society my entire life. And their anger suddenly showing up in the middle of my happyness, and I struggle to find joy in everyday living, afraid, possibly afraid that if I ever let myself be happy, I would be shot with discontent from someone else... and often times, others punish me which hurts, punished for something I never intended, punished for behaving differently. I am traumatized.
I have almost no memory of words within my memories, but I have clear visual and emotional memories. I remember I felt alone in the world surrounded by people, until I met another autistic person in my adulthood, then everything made sense, I found someone who feels life, like I do.
i relate to your stories so much.
I appreciate you sharing your stories of your life. You are the valid author of your own lived experience. No doctor degree needed, for you to know you. I thank you for being you! ❤🩹
We have the same birthday🥳🥳 Seventeenth birthday, had a theme with matching cake, decorations, etc. nobody came. 50th birthday planned something that was kind of expensive, 4 people showed up😑 I could go on. Happy Birthday💜
I’m completely blind, autistic and have CPTSD. I wasn’t allowed to cry, because crying was a weakness. Feeling upset, angry, or have meltdowns. I had to mask stimming, meltdowns, touching things and running into things. I avoid asking for help and support. I hide my emotions, especially crying. I’ve been rejected, mocked, restricted, invalidated, even slapped or punished for behaving differently. I over explain because the feeling of being misunderstood is so maddening.
That sounds really tough. Just know that it's totally okay to feel all the feels! I'm sorry you were raised in such a way that was traumatic. Older generations just were SO wrong about processing human emotion and it's left generational trauma.
As often happens, so much I can relate to.
I'm so glad to hear that, because feeling seen makes such a difference.
@@i.am.mindblind I am autistic and also I feel a lot of what you say about what memories I have seeming more like I am a spectator and not something I participated in.
ADHD and have so much birthday trauma.
It's really hard to move through, at least for me. 💜
I think I heard Winston.
35:09 I would watch even an hour video... 🙃 🙂🙃🙂 keep it rolling
You guys are creating a monster with all this validation of long videos. You'll never get me to shut up now! 😂😂😂 I appreciate you so much!
I hate all the masking that birthdays involve! 💚
Aw shit ❤ yeah I really feel for u, that does sound like an awful experience as a teen. On my 18th nothing happened either, and I'm in Canada so I could legally drink at 18 in Manitoba. I think I just didn't plan enough to invite anyone, but also who would I have invited? I had some friends but yeah. I ended up just buying a cigar and smoking it, it tasted like a sock lol
Omg those pants r awesome
I love them so much 😍😍😍
Very cool nails
Never been diagnosed but I can vouch for Trauma recovery through deliverance prayers.Wouldn’t be alive without them 🙏
I'm glad that was helpful for you. I'm not religious.
@ That’s understandable,took many long detours and journeys to arrive where I am today. Trauma comes in different forms.