Gender Therapist Shares THE Biggest Fear You Feel When Come Out to Your Partner?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 19 чер 2024
- It can be incredibly scary to come out to your partner. Here is THE biggest fear I consistently see among trans people.
⚡Please SUBSCRIBE!
❤️ Check out my site offerings.
👉ONLINE COURSES FROM DR Z: drzconsultingllc.podia.com/
👉BUY MY BEST SELLING BOOK ON AMAZON!: tinyurl.com/3j9nczy3
🔥SCHEDULE ONLINE SESSION WITH ME:drzphd.com/gendertherapy
Give this video a thumbs up if it's helped you 👍
#gender #therapy #selfhelp
👉NOTE: I work solely with adults and all video content is marked for adults only. As such, the information shared is based from experience working with adults only.
🙋♀️Hello! I am a clinical psychologist or gender therapist, specializing in transgender field and I work with adults only. I provide online therapy for California, New York, Texas and Florida residents. My pronouns are she/her and you can visit my website for more info at www.drzphd.com.
👍VERY HELPFUL Trans/Gender resources: drzphd.com/resources
😍TRANS MASCULINE BLOG: drzphd.com/trans-masculine-blog
🤩TRANS FEMININE BLOG: drzphd.com/trans-feminine-blog-1
🤗NON BINARY BLOG: drzphd.com/non-binary-blog
🙌VISIT: drzphd.com
😀DISCLAIMER: Note as a clinical psychologist I created this channel to share information. Therefore I won't be providing or offering therapeutic advice. I am also not a medical doctor. When I speak on medical issues such as hormones or surgical procedures, the goal is to share information, and not to provide medical advice and you should always consult with your medical doctor. Additionally, this channel is for those seeking information, understanding, and to gain awareness.
I started transitioning when I was 49. I was distant. We had kids. I knew something was going on with me since adolescence. After questioning and accepting myself, it took me four months to come out to my partner of 19 years. I have socially, medically and legally transitioned. I am currently working on my surgical transition. I am 52 now and I have found a partner who loves me for who I am. It feels so good to not have to hide who I am; to be in a relationship with no guilt, shame or fear.
So glad you shared as you help break down the myth that trans people can't find partners post transition. So happy for you and wow 4 months is a very short time in my experience :)
@@DRZPHD Well, I was experiencing gender dysphoria most of my life without knowing what was happening with me. I never told my ex what I was going through. Actually, I kept this a secret for decades.
I came out to my wife a year ago. But promised to “control it” to save our marriage of 25 years. (I’ve struggled with GD since childhood.) Now a year later I am starting hormones and need to come out again, this time with certainty that I am transitioning. The fear is paralyzing. Fear of losing my safe life; fear of hurting my wife; fear of the unknown. But I know there will be joy on the other side. Thank you for this video! This is what I need to hear. ❤️
I know exactly how you feel. I wish you the best of luck with it.
@Stephanie Buckley I am so sorry to hear especially as I know there is just no such thing as "control it" other than continuing living in pain from dysphoria.
I feel you. I am in the same boat
There's a possibility that your comment is me one year from now. Would you mind telling how it worked out for you?
I came out to my ex a couple of times towards the end of our 15 years of marriage. My ex was receiving therapy at the time and she came out to me with her sexual identity. I was so relieved because I was struggling to tell her that I was bisexual and I said as much. At which point she erased my identity because "boys/men can't be bisexual." Her justification being that if you didn't sleep with members of the same sex then you're not bi.
The second time I came out was over a discussion of some online male friends of her's who would wear woman's clothing, in particular dresses. I made some offhand comment that I could probably rock that dress better than her friend. In the discussion that followed it came out that I wasn't completely comfortable in my gender and was often confused over it, though I don't think either of us used the term transgender. She immediately wanted me to put on a dress and walk down the street with it on. I of course refused, I wasn't feeling particularly femme at the time and I felt, perhaps a bit unjustified, that she was mocking me when maybe this was her misguided way of helping and maybe she thought I was just a cross dresser. I never really got clarification on that.
I'm not entirely sure if either of those had anything to do with the breakup. There were other things that were contributing factors that I don't want to get into. My regular therapist knows and I don't claim to be completely innocent either. Mistakes were definitely made.
As it is, my ex is one of the people who I have yet to inform that I'm transitioning. I don't want her thinking I've dropped off the planet when I change my name and I want to reassure that I'll continue the child support payments. After all, it's not like we hate each other. We at least remain friends.
Sorry for that info dump. 😅
Thank you for sharing and it is also common to have other things come up in relationship, making it not working out.
You’re very courageous. I wish I had that courage to come out like that.
My partner already knew I was non-binary before we started dating. They even asked me what my pronouns were when we started getting serious. Nevertheless, I was still nervous and scared coming out last year wanting to start HRT. Luckily my partner is bisexual so they’ve handled my transition very well & have even driven me to my HRT appointments! Later on they realized they were non-binary too so it all worked out...I feel exceptionally lucky to be with them.
Thats so great to hear!
I just finished my voice training and you uploaded, perfect! =)
Hope you enjoy it!
I just want to reflect back to you that this video really helped me get out t of the rut I was in thinking about coming out to my wife. Specifically, your perspective about growing distance and what my wife might lose if I don't come out to her has felt like a magnificent counter balance to the weight of guilt I've put on myself about upsetting things for her. I'm not going to rush things, but I'm also not dreading coming out to nearly the same degree, even if it might mean a whole lot of loss. Somehow, seeing inauthenticity as a source of loss has cleared a path forward.
A thousand times: Thank you!
So glad to hear it was helpful and I wish you all the best.
I love this video. I find that while my wife is aware of my "feminine side/leanings" and gender dysphoria, I have hidden or held back how intense the feelings are. Partially this is because those feeling swing hot and cold constantly and I am never sure myself how deep that rabbit hole goes, but also for the reasons you just said in the video (loss, disappointment, rejection, etc.).
Thanks for sharing.
Dr Z, you show a total understanding of the hardest thing I’ve faced so far in the fear of coming out to my partner of 33 years. It was like looking in the mirror or as a fly on the wall looking down observing my wife and I. I’m concealing, hiding, being distant. She’s challenging what’s going on, make stories up to explain things and who knows if they are correct or total fabrications? Perhaps she’s even going through something, perhaps not equivalent in nature but at least equivalent in size. This has to be resolved, I have to find the strength to bring it up subtly or to blurt it right out. I believe I’m transgender! It perhaps better for her to hear that than the story she’s made up to explain my behavior. M xx 💋
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your situation. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for making these videos, Dr. Z ! ❤️
Thanks for another wonderful video.
I have found that therapy really helps with overcoming the fear associated with coming out. Also, my experience has been no one react the way you expect them too. In the beginning I always expected the worse response, and more often than not, I experienced the best response.
In the past, I have also used fear as a motivator to do something that terrified me. For the longest time, I was stuck in my transition; I presented male at work and female in my personal life. It was a difficult existence, but I was too terrified to come out at work. Then I learned that my therapist was moving out of state. I couldn’t imagine coming out at work with out her support. That’s when I decided to come out at work and present full time female. It all worked out fine in the end.
So glad you shared your experience as so many fear how things will work out.
The same day I accepted myself, I told my wife of 5yrs in like 24hrs. She was absolutely wonderful and support.
Thats great!
Hi, closeted individual here. This video really hit a few nails on the head for me. My girlfriend knows I “have a femme side.” It was a rough summer when that came out. We were moving apartments and a lingerie piece ended up in a wrong laundry pile.
Anywho, I feel like I struggle with gender but I always doubt myself when I think I’m about to make a breakthrough. Over the life of our relationship I’ve seen many changes. All on my behalf. As you mentioned, sex and intimate connection is very low. I rarely initiate.
I also sink hours into gaming. It is a hobby but also a big escape. I think I game more now than I ever used to. This might also be a result of COVID.
We’ve agreed to be honest and open but I’m terrified of the outcome. Sometimes I think she would be okay and we can make it out on the other side. Other times I doubt it could ever work. Sometimes we will lay and watch tiktoks and I notice how many of the vids tailored for her are attractive guys. On the flip side, all of mine tend to be lesbians.
In conclusion, life is hard. Wish I was born a cis female. But here we are. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
So sorry to hear of your struggles and hope things will turn around.
Thanks you Dr Z for the lasted video. It is amazing how much truth there is in what you say. I came out to my wife of 24 years early in December. I cross-dressed from early on until my early 30s. Then I did not. Now 20 years later I could not take it any more and had to do something and I told her when the moment was sort of ok. It was a great relief and no more denying, telling lies, etc. She knew something was wrong as I have been distant, short answered, agetated, etc, and it was getting worse. Interestingly, she did not or did not want to connect her reasoning for my behaviour with my cross-dressing all this time ago. While coming out has been a first step and helped, at this point, predominantly me, our marriage is at its lowest point ever. I feel that whatever the future will bring, I have opened up to her at the time when I accepted that I have a gender identity issue. xx
Thank you for sharing and I hope things will work out for both of you, regardless whether you continue to stay together or not.
Thank you Doctor Z another beautiful commentary you're very inspiring truth is always worth going after or living with yourself dr. Z you're very very helpful thank you
You are very welcome.
listen to all of this. Dr. Z is 100% correct on all this
Well not 100% correct, but if some pieces resonate, then I am glad to help.
Thank you Dr Z for all your help and your videos! Being a male-to-female transition person you help me out a great deal thank you! Love B.
You are most welcome.
Your channel is a-mazing! I've had so many affirming ah-ha moments!!! And I've just watched a handful of your videos!
So blessed to find this content! Thank you!!🥰
So glad!
Thank you so much for your information. I feel like you’re talking directly to me. You are describing me, reading my soul and my mind. You’re making me understand so many things and helping me sort things out.
Thank you
Thanks for sharing and I am glad it resonated.
Hello dearest doctor Z I finally did it and wow what a rush of emotion so many I’m still in a semi euphoric and very ready for questions now from her but still feel a little like I haven’t said everything because I was so nervous about coming out tonight but it is and was inevitable and the conversation was very short mostly me talking and we agreed I should seek counselling and that was a huge relief. Maybe we do have a chance I’ll know more very soon I’m sure. Thank you for all you do😘
Thanks for sharing and I wish you both well!
your channel has been very helpful w helping me figure out my identity, I found your channel a month or so after I came out as a trans women/non binary, thank you :)
Glad you find it helpful.
The only thing that is true that changing gender is an hard thing for the partner. My wife knows my "transidentity" for two decades or more and we bought woman clothes together. But, when I finished my social transition two years ago. Another story took place, starting with a deny of reality. She took months to sort it out and her sister helped her to mitigate the situation. Since, the situation has been normalized. She helped me with the administrative transition. The family relation don't really change. Now, we are more a "bizarre" couple, but this doesn't matter.
Thanks for sharing and you bring up an important point of how later into relationship the reality sets in on the partner.
@@DRZPHD This 'partner's acceptance or changing opinion over time' might be a good topic for another video. Thanks! Christie
Thanks for sharing I came out to my partner of 19 years and she has been very understanding but I also said she didn’t think she could handle it if I fully transition I hope things change I don’t think I can do life without her
My partner already knows that I'm transgender and she supports me and my transition. She's the one that encouraged me to take HRT even though our sex life diminished because now I have erectile disfunction with the testosterone blockers . The problem is with my parents. I told my mom this morning that I was transgender but I didn't tell her that I started my transition and she doesn't know that I'm on HRT and that I'm actually going to have a few surgeries and go all the way. She said she was going to pray 🙏 for me and ask God to cure me and heal me but I told her that I already tried that my entire life. I told her that gender dysphoria doesn't go away and theirs no cure for it. It took a lot for me to open up to her and it's pretty hard on me to share that with her because she's a senior and she deals with a lot already with my dad being a cancer patient as well as dementia so I didn't want to put her through this. I still don't know what the future holds and how I'm going to go through the rest. You can replace a partner and find a new one but you can't replace your parents and find new ones especially when they are elderly and need your help and support and they depend on you. This is very difficult for me. I'm going through therapy at the same time to help me deal with everything. Thank you for this video and all your help. I started watching you before I got on HRT and you helped me make my decision finally. I'm actually crying while I write this. My mom was devastated by this because she's religious and transphobic and homophobic but she's elderly and I don't expect her to understand completely.
Hugs x
@Cristina Gonzalez glad to hear your have your partner support and I am sorry to. hear about your mother. To be honest, when I work with people whose parents are elder and also have other medical conditions, including the content they grew up in, I often say perhaps its best to be compassionate where they at and not expect understanding and support. I wish you all the best.
After I came out to my partner, she described the distance that she had perceived between us, just like this. I had no idea this was going on. Sadly, it looks like our lives together are over and while this is incredibly sad for both of us, I can't imagine how we could have carried on with it being a secret.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear.
im single and will likely die alone many great minds have died alone so at least ill be in good company i hope one day i find someone i really click with but i feel that i cant go lying to my partner and myself how else can they love me for me in the past i have been in relationships and i wondered if they would still love me if i came out and its not worth it to me
awesome vid as always !!
@beth h I am sorry to hear. You are right, in many ways being alone is not the end of the world. We are so conditioned to see relationship as a necessity that many have it for the sake of having it. Often the best company I find is me alone with the book.
I have just come out to my partner after yes of struggling with my true self.
Thanks lots advice from true friends and also those vids with lots of good advice .
Am just so scared about what the future holds for me .
I hope I have made the right choice .Am not looking forward to telling my family .
That is so tough to do. I hope it works out for you.
@JAMES Baldwin I wish you all the best and while it is very hard, its an important step in the process.
@@DRZPHD thanks you Dr Z I found your videos so inspiring and listing to you X
I've known from a very young age that there was something different about me as my Youngest memory is when is was about 10 or 12 knowing I liked female clothes then wasn't till I was 19 the I found the internet and found out about trans world but am now 48yrs and for the last 15 to 20 yrs I've been more and more finding out more.
Am in the UK and in the last 5yrs I've been going out and about .
I have also found that over the yes I shop for female clothing and makeup and I strong urge to more and more female.
Last yr my wife had asked me why I was spending so much to have them say in closet.
Watching your videos I found that I was finding you say so relevant to me and very helpful so thank you am so very scared of the future but I feel it was time to tell the truth so for yrs I've been keeping a secret and it's getting me so down thinking about it every morning when I wake up to the time I go to sleep.
Once again thank you.
I came out to my partner some months ago. He was not happy about the news, he was shocked and scared but in the end, till this day, we just hug it out. We came to the decision that we are going to discuss the future of the relationship when I start transitioning. He said that he is going to support me no matter what.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad to hear you two are finding your own way to move forward.
I just came out to my wife of 5 years about a week ago. Luckily the VA can help me with a gender therapist.
Wishing you all the best.
@@DRZPHD thanks. The referral is out with the VA, but haven't heard back, yet.
Ok this is a very good topic. I am came out to my spouse on our 28th anniversary so we had been together forever. Had plenty of baggage and things to consider. And yes, I was scared to death to come out as well as experiencing overwhelming anxiety.
To complicate matter my wife had already been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Did I mention I was scared to death. Anyway I did come out and we all pretty much knew we would be together until the end. She needed me and I was her caretaker. Try doing that and starting to come out and transitioning at the same time.
I was verbally attacked by several our friends as well as being ghosted by others. How could I?
Anyway my wife said that if she were well, we would split because she was not a lesbian which I understood and she also said would remain good friends. After all the lying and hiding we really had become roommates anyway.
Later on before she passed she told me she was glad I came out before she passed for the rest of our family. One last thing that she said that stuck with me. That was that after I came out she did not feel the same security and being safe with me. But now it’s over a year since she passed and while I’m not ready to date just yet I am very much wanting a partner in my future. I may even add that it could be a trans partner. I truly believe in the value of not having to say things for others to understand. In other words another trans person knows the suffering and pain and anxiety. So that need not be said.
It is surprising how much people internalize social gender roles and expectations. I've also gotten the " you're supposed to be man, the breadwinner, blah blah blah..."
Another TG person would fill in a lot of the questions and issues in a relationship. Strangely AFAIK, its very rare for us to form long term real relationships with each other, even the notionally ideal MTF + FTM.
@Rachel Brindell I am sorry to hear of your loss and especially of how others treated you during this period. People tend to project all kind of shit when they don't have a clue how they would behave in the same situation.
Mine divorced me (1991) and to this day doesn’t wanna know me. Not a word.
I am so sorry to hear.
ERES UNA DIOSA
You always have very interesting necklaces. I like them.
Oh thank you!
My SO is transphobic and I am out. Some of what you say really struck chords with me. I am staying at home to allow my son time to sort his head out after I came out to him but my relationship seems to be doomed
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best especially to work through that transphobia.
I came out to my wife.My biggest concern now is my wife feels really isolated and alone.
Dr Z perhaps you could do a little video on this subject?
My wife is supportive but repels me as a equal partner in this journey
Hi. I do have 7part partner series that are good for both of you to watch.
you are missed, gorgeous as always 😍
Oh thank you!
Fear of rejection of course. And that doesn't necessarily get resolved after you come out. Even when your partner accepts, it becomes a point of stress and conflict when they can't accept the the reality of what being TG means for them. Which leads to compromise that, like all compromises, doesn't make any one happy. But such is life.
@@jen8441 Thank you for your concern. Yes, I live that bittersweet compromise that is neither the worst or best because the alternative would be a horrifically selfish dream come true.
@Obsidian Jane yes sadly that's often true too. Sometimes a partner accepts and says they are supportive only to hit reality down the road and back out.
Hello doc. Well I failed again. I wanted to come out to my spouse tonight about being transgender and I again did not why I don’t know I have been wanting to tell her for years and lately it has been so difficult to keep inside. She knows I dress but does not know completely how I feel about it and does not really agree but more like tolerates. What can I do to overcome my denial and come out to her. I have to come out to her first then I can come out to my family and finally be free to be myself. Thank you for any help you can suggest.
Thank you for sharing and I think it is important that you do tell her. Wish you all the best.
In 17 minutes and 11 seconds, you have held a mirror up to my life. I'm still hiding the real me from my wife, but everything you've described is what our marriage is like. If my wife could somehow see this video, she would put two and two together, I'm sure. Watching this video is tearing me apart 😭😭
I am so sorry but believe you needed to hear it. I wish you well.
@@DRZPHD Thank you.
I came out to my wife and she thought it was weird and weird that I didn't do it earlier and then she went she she I'm not happy with myself either but I'm still with you and then I said I feel like a woman and not a man and want to transition and then she she then I leave you because you're the only thing in my life that makes me happy And everything I lose you my future me happiness and then I can no longer live then it no longer makes senseI thought you were making me feel guilty talking Any tips?
I am so sorry to hear your partner expressed this. It is your personal decision whether to transition or not.
While I haven't come out publicly things did come to a boil 3 years ago as my wife kept discovering "Things". She asked what was going on and I finally broke down and told her I was transgender keep in mind we had a rough marriage from the start when you have two people from two different countries and cultures and you mix in my dysphoria. While she made fun of me and ridiculed me after a few days she just dealt with it we came to an agreement that she would leave to her home country when our child enters middle school. While we were headed to a spilt for a long time the dysphoria made it worst. It was a big relief that I didn't have to hide it from her any more. Since then I started my medical transition last year I still get insults every now and then as she doesn't bring up my transition. As far as being older and being alone I don't worry about that because I've been a loner all my life and I always kept people at a distant which was have when you factor in I worked in broadcast so I was well known. While it nice to have someone I don't need anyone to make me happy.
Well that sucks, but it sounds like you will be a much happier person when she is out of your life.
@@obsidianjane4413 I'm a much happier person now that I started transitioning! It's true that once she leaves I'll be even happier!
@@jen8441 Think because I knew I was trans when I was little I avoided lots of friends or long term relationships as a safeguard to keep other from outing me. So I'm use to being alone I can deal with that as I need to be happy with myself before I can have a good relationship. What has been worst was acting like I was cis for the last 30 years the stress, cluster headaches and depression where killing me. Since I started medical transition most of that has gone away and I'm finally sleeping good and enjoying life for once! Yeah the marriage didn't work but I'm glad to move on versus hating the person your with.
@@jen8441 As long as I'm still standing and can continue my journey to womanhood I'll be fine!🥰
@L L thank you for sharing and I am sorry for lack of support you are experiencing.
I'm in a relationship for 25 years she knows but I'm afraid to come out to my daughters there 21 23 25 I'm ashamed of the image I might give them and so on I don't know what to do I'm 61 years old
I am sorry to hear. Keep in mind, the image you have in your head is not the image your daughters have. They love you.
I'm afraid to come out to my family cause they're both transphobe's ! uffff ! can i recommend your channel to them mrs.z ??
I am so sorry to hear and you can absolutely recommend my channel to them.
I agree in all you say, however, you know that humans we are egoistic by nature, in a relationship is the same, when one side is tolerant it is for the egoism of the other. How if you know all your transgender issues, you made fall in love the other person in the way there are many things that attach each other and the other has to stay with you, there is no option, as when you get marry, it is difficult to finish a marriage because the social pressure. This is not fair for someone who is with you for being someone that isnt truly you. Unconsciously, you acted in a certain way, to make this person has no other choice to stay, even morenif there is a marriage and children. The other person was with you because wants a person of the opposite gender to complements his/her life. This sounds machiavellian, it was for fear of abandonement that you did it but there is also egoism, omitting something is also to lie, which results to be the base of the actual relation. You lie to yourself thinking that disphoria will go away but internally you knew this wont happen. So it is difficult because the other person will also think you set a trap. This is only an option, I dont say this always happens.
Thanks for sharing and you bring up additional great points. Personally, even with social pressures and being in love, I believe that a person always still has a choice. But that's just my view.
Zero support from my parents. Oh well i don't care about them anymore
I am sorry to hear.
I think so far I'm lucky that my wife is understanding with me wanting to change genders How ever she did say that she wishes i stay being a male But at the same time also wants me to be happy with myself
Thanks for sharing and I wish your relationship all the best!
Don’t let your condition ruin your life hon. You look like a handsome young married man. Do some research.
ua-cam.com/video/hG9jBXGPnxE/v-deo.html
I know she will leave me, we have lived a conservative Christian life for 43 years married. All the comments she makes about society are old school, not open minded. I’m 63 and I’ve realized my true self for about 10 years, however the hints were there all my life. I’ll stay.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I told her and she likes it!