Divorce Violated Their Religious Beliefs... Here's How They Got Through It
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- Опубліковано 18 тра 2024
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
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► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.
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I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
When our daughter died, I felt like I was being supported by God. In the divorce, I'm so far from any peace that I feel more or less abandoned. My religious community (Mormon) have been super supportive, but I've lost my connection with God.
Excellent. For those of us raised with a faith background, we believe that faith will provide the foundation for dealing with life and hardships. But divorce that you did not want is much more difficult than normal life hardships. There are certain incidents that faith cannot touch in the short run-- affairs and divorce are two. You are forced into a horrible position by the one person on earth you felt you could trust. The journey is acceptance of where you are and good words we receive from faith helps along that journey. .
First of all, thank you for addressing the true believers. Religious men who took their marriage as spiritually and religiously sacred suffer in divorce just like all men, but as you point out, it increases the difficulty of dealing with the entire process. Second, it's better you don't share their religious beliefs, it makes you a more neutral confidant where men can complain about the shortcomings of the their faith communities. I won't name names, but my church is among the worst in providing support for divorced members, men especially, and that fact makes recovery all the more difficult. And not having a deistic faith makes you available to all, without the concern that your own faith is clouding your therapy. It might not quite be an advantage, but it's not any handicap. I'm glad you addressed it, and it was well done. Well done Rachael.
For a girl who is not a religious person, you sure do make everyone comfortable in your presence. You do Carry yourself like one with great moral values, and the treatment of every one as your equal, which makes one Wonder, if you were raised with a religious belief system as a child.
Also the patience and love towards your spouse, who's going through his own challenges, as you shared in previous videos.
Maybe she is grounded to the Creator without tethering to a religious system. We can be sensitive to the demands of a religious system without being dependent on them any longer. I know that's where I've landed after being raised in a cult that conflated themselves to god-like status using "God" as a lure.
My heart is so broken, and I am in so much physical pain that there's moments of the day I think I'm going to pass out. I wish my still husband could just take a moment to rethink his decision, he left in less than 5 days, he move out of state and I'm still trying to figure out how to support my daughters, pay next month's rent and bills while being a mess.
I needed this today, thank you.
I don't get how anyone would feel like they sinned when it was their desire not not divorce. Are there actually religious systems that consider NOT wanting a divorce to be a sin???
Seriously, I cant understand a marriage if not for the religious aspect. Why would a man get "married" with the court system as ultimate, sole arbitrator? The courts tilt heavily in women's favour, but the system is only an enforcement arm. It doesnt respect nor value women.
Thank you for addressing this, I’ve struggled to find any resources on this topic. Here's the cliff notes version of my story:
I had a great marriage for 6+ years, with 2 children, and we were Bible-believing Christians. But then I became sick (diagnosed with a neurological disease) and seriously depressed. I was desperately seeking medical and psychological help, but after some months my ex checked out. She seemed to disbelieve the doctors and me, and rather seemed to suggest that I was a psychosomatic nut-case. I was accused of having a personality disorder (e.g. narcissism) in particular, which I have come to find out has become an extremely common accusation in divorce. I begged her to try marital counseling with me under any circumstances that were agreeable to her, but she refused. The subsequent divorce has been at points quite acrimonious. The betrayal I have felt cannot be put into words. I vowed before family, friends, and God that we would stand with each other in “sickness and in health, for better or for worse” and I meant that. But to some people I suppose those are only nice words to say.
Through this all, I found a little (but not much) support in church community. I was totally ignored by one pastor whose church we attended for years, and contributed to significantly, as though I was some horrible person. I have no idea why, but it was extremely painful to be ignored. Fortunately I do have some friends of diverse faith background who have stood beside me in this nightmare.
Presently, I have greatly physically recovered from my illness, though my body probably will never be like it was before. More significantly, my heart has been wounded in a way I don’t ever expect to recover. My faith in God has been shaken. I look at my children as my purpose in life now. I love them so much, my heart is broken for them, but I need to be strong for them every day. I also need to continue to work on improving my health and financially recovering from the divorce, which will probably cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars that I worked exceptionally hard to earn in the last ~10 years.
My divorce was similar in so many ways to yours. I got sick from medication I was taking and after 2 years, she decided that it was too much for her. I thought about the whole in sickness and in health vow as well but isn't it a little unfair to her? I don't think that when those words were first written, there was a worldwide knowledge on neurological illnesses. It's been about 2 years since mine and I can still hear the words she used but they hurt less and less. Selfish (Narssacist) was one of them which yes, to your point, is thrown around during divorce. Try and keep healing and day by day you may be able to see it from her point of view. While I had that illness, I was not in a right frame of mind to clearly see how I was towards her and even though I was sick, that doesn't mean she has to tough it out for us. People can only take so much before they break. The distance that happened afterwards unleashed a painful amount of memories that I can never smile about again. 15 years worth of them. But after a long time and listening to a lot of Rachael's videos and talking to friends, and meditation. I'm getting a little better but it's a start. The one thing that happened was that I completely lost my faith in God. But the lessons are still there and the teachings were invaluable. The one thing that kept me going was John 4:4, which reads, "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world" Your spirit is greater than your physical self. Don't lose hope that you'll get better.
@@RhoadsLocke I appreciate your feedback and words of encouragement, and it does sound like there is quite a bit of similarity. You have some good points. I acknowledge the 8-10 months when I was sickest were a nightmare for our family. But I can't ignore the fact that there is no chance I would have left her if the roles were reversed. It would have never been an option. Nor would have my friends or family supported me leaving her -- my sense is she received huge support for divorce, even though everyone knew we had a previously very good marriage.
I also don't think it is unfair to expect people to keep their vow. Everyone knows there is illness in the world --- cancer, heart disease, mental health issues, etc. Just because you don't expect it to happen to you or your spouse is not a reason to disregard your vow if it does happen. We make these vows precisely for the hard times, not the good ones. I watched my grandfather care for my grandmother for years while she slowly died of Alzheimers -- that is how marital commitment ought to be.
Moreover, if my ex had needed a temporary separation from me while I tried to recover, because the situation was too difficult, I would have accepted that (and I did; we had a short separation before she filed). Instead, she never showed any interest in potential reconciliation even when it was clear that I was recovering. Not even for our 2 children's sake --- who I adore and who adore me.
I am not sure what will become of my faith. It was a huge part of my life before, but now, it is very difficult to believe there is a God who loves me after the physical, mental, and relational hell I have experienced.
Last, let me say I'm glad you are making progress on your journey. I hope it continues positively and that you find deep peace and happiness again.
You're in very good hands with RachaelSloan support network, stay connected as best as you can.
With regards to your pastor who look at you with scorn, I can tell you that he has heard her story about you and choose to believe her, rather than hearing your heart. The Christian Churches have embraced the Feminist ideology and goes along with it. Many Pastors and Church leaders bend over backwards and accepts whatever story they are fed by the divorcing wives.
I am so sorry to hear about your shattered marriage, your broken dreams and deep betrayal, abandonment, injustice, humiliation and rejection you suffered. These are some deep emotional wounds that need to be addressed in your your journey towards wholeness again.
If I may add; the Christian marriage VOWS do not hold its value in today's society anymore, as people are quick to bail when the going gets tough.
Thanks, like I you said, it's been a nightmare and I feel as though I'm living in an alternate reality or my second life and not in a good way. I have dreams where I'm dying and the last thing on my mind is her, even now after I've forgiven her for everything so trust me, I feel your pain and that's why I reached out. The only advice I can give you, if I can, is that it's a climb up a mountain and every once in a while you'll fall and restart. But everytime you do, if gets a little easier to climb. The hard part is all the chaos and confusion and need for answers at the beginning. Again, I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through this. Stay strong and keep pushing through. It may not be fair and even though God's a coin flip right now, there's no denying what humans are capable of. You can do this.
People are not bound in Christendom if the perpetrator is disrespectful.