Don't you just LOOOOOOOOOOOVE how Jesse and [CREN]Crendor never pick up any of the clusters and now they are doing it 28 Episodes Later? That's enough time to start a zombie apocalypse!
I always forget to comment on this ish, but this is pretty much my favorite series on the series of UA-cams, especially if you count your Saints Row III series. You guys rock!
I was almost ready to get my hopes up about Jesse and Cendor getting clusters.... NOOOOOOPE. Please Jesse just have an off screen,"and now we upgraded a shit ton of stuff AND NOW WE'RE BACK!"
Not sure if you guys already knew this, but at the top of the New Colvin alien tower, there is a broomstick called the Salem. It's the kind of vehicle I'd expect you guys to like.
Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality. We slowly drove, he knew no haste, And I had put away My labor, and my leisure too, For his civility. We passed the school, where children strove At recess, in the ring; We passed the fields of gazing grain, We passed the setting sun. Or rather, he passed us; The dews grew quivering and chill, For only gossamer my gown, My tippet only tulle. We paused before a house that seemed A swelling of the ground; The roof was scarcely visible, The cornice but a mound. Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each Feels shorter than the day I first surmised the horses' heads Were toward eternity.
If Jesse still reads these things...you can upgrade your Death From Above so that when you use it from a really high skyscraper you create a nuclear explosion.
I bring you the first chapter of The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien; An Unexpected Journey In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats - the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hilll- The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it - and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another. No going upstairs for the hobbit: bedrooms, bathrooms, cellars, pantries (lots of these), wardrobes (he had whole rooms devoted to clothes), kitchens, dining-rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the same passage. The best rooms were all on the left-hand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows, deep-set round windows looking over his garden and meadows beyond, sloping down to the river. This hobbit was a very well-to-do hobbit, and his name was Baggins. The Bagginses had lived in the neighbourhood of The Hill for time out of mind, and people considered them very respectable, not only because most of them were rich, but also because they never had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a Baggins would say on any question without the bother of asking him. This is a story of how a Baggins had an adventure, found himself doing and saying things altogether unexpected. He may have lost the neighbours' respect, but he gained-well, you will see whether he gained anything in the end. The mother of our particular hobbit ... what is a hobbit? I suppose hobbits need some description nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of the Big People, as they call us. They are (or were) a little people, about half our height, and smaller than the bearded Dwarves. Hobbits have no beards. There is little or no magic about them, except the ordinary everyday sort which helps them to disappear quietly and quickly when large stupid folk like you and me come blundering along, making a noise like elephants which they can hear a mile off. They are inclined to be at in the stomach; they dress in bright colours (chiefly green and yellow); wear no shoes, because their feet grow natural leathery soles and thick warm brown hair like the stuff on their heads (which is curly); have long clever brown fingers, good-natured faces, and laugh deep fruity laughs (especially after dinner, which they have twice a day when they can get it). Now you know enough to go on with. As I was saying, the mother of this hobbit - of Bilbo Baggins, that is - was the fabulous Belladonna Took, one of the three remarkable daughters of the Old Took, head of the hobbits who lived across The Water, the small river that ran at the foot of The Hill. It was often said (in other families) that long ago one of the Took ancestors must have taken a fairy wife. That was, of course, absurd, but certainly there was still something not entirely hobbit-like about them, - and once in a while members of the Took-clan would go and have adventures. They discreetly disappeared, and the family hushed it up; but the fact remained that the Tooks were not as respectable as the Bagginses, though they were undoubtedly richer. Not that Belladonna Took ever had any adventures after she became Mrs. Bungo Baggins. Bungo, that was Bilbo's father, built the most luxurious hobbit-hole for her (and partly with her money) that was to be found either under The Hill or over The Hill or across The Water, and there they remained to the end of their days. Still it is probable that Bilbo, her only son, although he looked and behaved exactly like a second edition of his solid and comfortable father, got something a bit queer in his makeup from the Took side, something that only waited for a chance to come out. The chance never arrived, until Bilbo Baggins was grown up, being about fifty years old or so, and living in the beautiful hobbit-hole built by his father, which I have just described for you, until he had in fact apparently settled down immovably. By some curious chance one morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, and the hobbits were still numerous and prosperous, and Bilbo Baggins was standing at his door after breakfast smoking an enormous long wooden pipe that reached nearly down to his woolly toes (neatly brushed) - Gandalf came by. Gandalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear, you would be prepared for any sort I of remarkable tale. Tales and adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion. He had not been down that way under The Hill for ages and ages, not since his friend the Old Took died, in fact, and the hobbits had almost forgotten what he looked like. He had been away over The Hill and across The Water on business of his own since they were all small hobbit-boys and hobbit-girls. All that the unsuspecting Bilbo saw that morning was an old man with a staff. He had a tall pointed blue hat, a long grey cloak, a silver scarf over which a white beard hung down below his waist, and immense black boots. "Good morning!" said Bilbo, and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green. But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat. "What do you mean?" be said. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is morning to be good on?" "All of them at once," said Bilbo. "And a very fine morning for a pipe of tobacco out of doors, into the bargain. If you have a pipe about you, sit down and have a fill of mine! There's no hurry, we have all the day before us!" Then Bilbo sat down on a seat by his door, crossed his legs, and blew out a beautiful grey ring of smoke that sailed up into the air without breaking and floated away over The Hill. "Very pretty!" said Gandalf. "But I have no time to blow smoke-rings this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone." «I should think so - in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can't think what anybody sees in them,» said our Mr. Baggins, and stuck one thumb behind his braces, and blew out another even bigger smoke-ring. Then he took out his morning letters, and begin to read, pretending to take no more notice of the old man. He had decided that he was not quite his sort, and wanted him to go away. But the old man did not move. He stood leaning on his stick and gazing at the hobbit without saying anything, till Bilbo got quite uncomfortable and even a little cross. "Good morning!" he said at last. "We don't want any adventures here, thank you! You might try over The Hill or across The Water." By this he meant that the conversation was at an end. "What a lot of things you do use Good morning for!" said Gandalf. "Now you mean that you want to get rid of me, and that it won't be good till I move off." "Not at all, not at all, my dear sir! Let me see, I don't think I know your name?" "Yes, yes, my dear sir - and I do know your name, Mr. Bilbo Baggins. And you do know my name, though you don't remember that I belong to it. I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me! To think that I should have lived to be good-morninged by Belladonna Took's son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!" "Gandalf, Gandalf! Good gracious me! Not the wandering wizard that gave Old Took a pair of magic diamond studs that fastened themselves and never came undone till ordered? Not the fellow who used to tell such wonderful tales at parties, about dragons and goblins and giants and the rescue of princesses and the unexpected luck of widows' sons? Not the man that used to make such particularly excellent fireworks! I remember those! Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Splendid! They used to go up like great lilies and snapdragons and laburnums of fire and hang in the twilight all evening!" You will notice already that Mr. Baggins was not quite so prosy as he liked to believe, also that he was very fond of flowers. "Dear me!" she went on. "Not the Gandalf who was responsible for so many quiet lads and lasses going off into the Blue for mad adventures. Anything from climbing trees to visiting Elves - or sailing in ships, sailing to other shores! Bless me, life used to be quite inter - I mean, you used to upset things badly in these parts once upon a time. I beg your pardon, but I had no idea you were still in business." "Where else should I be?" said the wizard. "All the same I am pleased to find you remember something about me. You seem to remember my fireworks kindly, at any rate, land that is not without hope. Indeed for your old grandfather Took's sake, and for the sake of poor Belladonna, I will give you what you asked for." "I beg your pardon, I haven't asked for anything!" "Yes, you have! Twice now. My pardon. I give it you. In fact I will go so far as to send you on this adventure. Very amusing for me, very good for you and profitable too, very likely, if you ever get over it." "Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning! But please come to tea - any time you like! Why not tomorrow? Come tomorrow! Good-bye!" With that the hobbit turned and scuttled inside his round green door, and shut it as quickly as he dared, not to seen rude. Wizards after all are wizards. "What on earth did I ask him to tea for!" he said to him-self, as he went to the pantry. He had only just had break fast, but he thought a cake or two and a drink of something would do him good after his fright. Gandalf in the meantime was still standing outside the door, and laughing long but quietly. After a while he stepped up, and with the spike of his staff scratched a queer sign on the hobbit's beautiful green front-door. Then he strode away, just about the time when Bilbo was finishing his second cake and beginning to think that he had escape adventures very well. The next day he had almost forgotten about Gandalf. He did not remember things very well, unless he put them down on his Engagement Tablet: like this: Gandalf '¥a Wednesday. Yesterday he had been too flustered to do anything of the kind. Just before tea-time there came a tremendous ring on the front-door bell, and then he remembered! He rushed and put on the kettle, and put out another cup and saucer and an extra cake or two, and ran to the door. "I am so sorry to keep you waiting!" he was going to say, when he saw that it was not Gandalf at all. It was a dwarf with a blue beard tucked into a golden belt, and very bright eyes under his dark-green hood. As soon a the door was opened, he pushed inside, just as if he had been expected. He hung his hooded cloak on the nearest peg, and "Dwalin at your service!" he said with a low bow. "Bilbo Baggins at yours!" said the hobbit, too surprised to ask any questions for the moment. When the silence that followed had become uncomfortable, he added: "I am just about to take tea; pray come and have some with me." A little stiff perhaps, but he meant it kindly. And what would you do, if an uninvited dwarf came and hung his things up in your hall without a word of explanation? They had not been at table long, in fact they had hardly reached the third cake, when there came another even louder ring at the bell. "Excuse me!" said the hobbit, and off he went to the door. "So you have got here at last!" was what he was going to say to Gandalf this time. But it was not Gandalf. Instead there was a very old-looking dwarf on the step with a white beard and a scarlet hood; and he too hopped inside as soon as the door was open, just as if he had been invited. "I see they have begun to arrive already," he said when he caught sight of Dwalin's green hood hanging up. He hung his red one next to it, and "Balin at your service!" he said with his hand on his breast. "Thank you!" said Bilbo with a gasp. It was not the correct thing to say, but they have begun to arrive had flustered him badly. He liked visitors, but he liked to know them before they arrived, and he preferred to ask them himself. He had a horrible thought that the cakes might run short, and then he-as the host: he knew his duty and stuck to it however painful-he might have to go without. "Come along in, and have some tea!" he managed to say after taking a deep breath. "A little beer would suit me better, if it is all the same to you, my good sir," said Balin with the white beard. "But I don't mind some cake-seed-cake, if you have any." "Lots!" Bilbo found himself answering, to his own surprise; and he found himself scuttling off, too, to the cellar to fill a pint beer-mug, and to the pantry to fetch two beautiful round seed-cakes which he had baked that afternoon for his after-supper morsel. When he got back Balin and Dwalin were talking at the table like old friends (as a matter of fact they were brothers). Bilbo plumped down the beer and the cake in front of them, when loud came a ring at the bell again, and then another ring. "Gandalf for certain this time," he thought as he puffed along the passage. But it was not. It was two more dwarves, both with blue hoods, silver belts, and yellow beards; and each of them carried a bag of tools and a spade. In they hopped, as soon as the door began to open-Bilbo was hardly surprised at all. "What can I do for you, my dwarves?" he said. "Kili at your service!" said the one. "And Fili!" added the other; and they both swept off their blue hoods and bowed. "At yours and your family's!" replied Bilbo, remembering his manners this time. "Dwalin and Balin here already, I see," said Kili. "Let us join the throng!" "Throng!" thought Mr. Baggins. "I don't like the sound of that. I really must sit down for a minute and collect my wits, and have a drink." He had only just had a sip-in the corner, while the four dwarves sat around the table, and talked about mines and gold and troubles with the goblins, and the depredations of dragons, and lots of other things which he did not understand, and did not want to, for they sounded much too adventurous-when, ding-dong-aling-' dang, his bell rang again, as if some naughty little hobbit-boy was trying to pull the handle off. "Someone at the door!" he said, blinking. "Some four, I should say by the sound," said Fili. "Be-sides, we saw them coming along behind us in the distance." The poor little hobbit sat down in the hall and put his head in his hands, and wondered what had happened, and what was going to happen, and whether they would all stay to supper. Then the bell rang again louder than ever, and he had to run to the door. It was not four after all, it was FIVE. Another dwarf had come along while he was wondering in the hall. He had hardly turned the knob, be-x)re they were all inside, bowing and saying "at your service" one after another. Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, and Gloin were their names; and very soon two purple hoods, a grey hood, a brown hood, and a white hood were hanging on the pegs, and off they marched with their broad hands stuck in their gold and silver belts to join the others. Already it had almost become a throng. Some called for ale, and some for porter, and one for coffee, and all of them for cakes; so the hobbit was kept very busy for a while. A big jug of coffee bad just been set in the hearth, the seed-cakes were gone, and the dwarves were starting on a round of buttered scones, when there came-a loud knock. Not a ring, but a hard rat-tat on the hobbit's beautiful green door. Somebody was banging with a stick! Bilbo rushed along the passage, very angry, and altogether bewildered and bewuthered-this was the most awkward Wednesday he ever remembered. He pulled open the door with a jerk, and they all fell in, one on top of the other. More dwarves, four more! And there was Gandalf behind, leaning on his staff and laughing. He had made quite a dent on the beautiful door; he had also, by the way, knocked out the secret mark that he had put there the morning before. "Carefully! Carefully!" he said. "It is not like you, Bilbo, to keep friends waiting on the mat, and then open the door like a pop-gun! Let me introduce Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, and especially Thorin!" "At your service!" said Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur standing in a row. Then they hung up two yellow hoods and a pale green one; and also a sky-blue one with a long silver tassel. This last belonged to Thorin, an enormously important dwarf, in fact no other than the great Thorin Oakenshield himself, who was not at all pleased at falling flat on Bilbo's mat with Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur on top of him. For one thing Bombur was immensely fat and heavy. Thorin indeed was very haughty, and said nothing about service; but poor Mr. Baggins said he was sorry so many times, that at last he grunted "pray don't mention it," and stopped frowning. "Now we are all here!" said Gandalf, looking at the row of thirteen hoods-the best detachable party hoods-and his own hat hanging on the pegs. "Quite a merry gathering! I hope there is something left for the late-comers to eat and drink! What's that? Tea! No thank you! A little red wine, I think, for me." "And for me," said Thorin. "And raspberry jam and apple-tart," said Bifur. "And mince-pies and cheese," said Bofur. "And pork-pie and salad," said Bombur. "And more cakes-and ale-and coffee, if you don't mind," called the other dwarves through the door. "Put on a few eggs, there's a good fellow!" Gandalf called after him, as the hobbit stumped off to the pantries. "And just bring out the cold chicken and pickles!" "Seems to know as much about the inside of my larders as I do myself!" thought Mr. Baggins, who was feeling positively flummoxed, and was beginning to wonder whether a most wretched adventure had not come right into his house. By the time he had got all the bottles and dishes and knives and forks and glasses and plates and spoons and things piled up on big trays, he was getting very hot, and red in the face, and annoyed. "Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!" he said aloud. "Why don't they come and lend a hand?" Lo and behold! there stood Balin and Dwalin at the door of the kitchen, and Fili and Kili behind them, and before he could say knife they had whisked the trays and a couple of small tables into the parlour and set out everything afresh. Gandalf sat at the head of the party with the thirteen, dwarves all round: and Bilbo sat on a stool at the fireside, nibbling at a biscuit (his appetite was quite taken away), and trying to look as if this was all perfectly ordinary and. not in the least an adventure. The dwarves ate and ate, and talked and talked, and time got on. At last they pushed their chairs back, and Bilbo made a move to collect the plates and glasses. "I suppose you will all stay to supper?" he said in his politest unpressing tones. "Of course!" said Thorin. "And after. We shan't get through the business till late, and we must have some music first. Now to clear up!" Thereupon the twelve dwarves-not Thorin, he was too important, and stayed talking to Gandalf-jumped to their feet and made tall piles of all the things. Off they went, not waiting for trays, balancing columns of plates, each with a bottle on the top, with one hand, while the hobbit ran after them almost squeaking with fright: "please be careful!" and "please, don't trouble! I can manage." But the dwarves only started to sing: "Chip the glasses and crack the plates! Blunt the knives and bend the forks! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates- Smash the bottles and burn the corks! Cut the cloth and tread on the fat! Pour the milk on the pantry floor! Leave the bones on the bedroom mat! Splash the wine on every door! Dump the crocks in a boiling bawl; Pound them up with a thumping pole; And when you've finished, if any are whole, Send them down the hall to rolll! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates! So, carefully! carefully with the plates!" And of course they did none of these dreadful things, and everything was cleaned and put away safe as quick as lightning, while the hobbit was turning round and round in the middle of the kitchen trying to see what they were doing. Then they went back, and found Thorin with his feet on the fender smoking a pipe. He was blowing the most enormous smoke-rings, and wherever he told one to go, it went-up the chimney, or behind the clock on the mantelpiece, or under the table, or round and round the ceiling; but wherever it went it was not quick enough to escape Gandalf. Pop! he sent a smaller smoke-ring from his short clay-pipe straight through each one of Thorin's. The Gandalf's smoke-ring would go green and come back to hover over the wizard's head. He had quite a cloud of them about him already, and in the dim light it made him look strange and sorcerous. Bilbo stood still and watched-he loved smoke-rings-and then be blushed to think how proud he had been yesterday morning of the smoke-rings he had sent up the wind over The Hill. "Now for some music!" said Thorin. "Bring out the instruments!" Kili and Fili rushed for their bags and brought back little fiddles; Dori, Nori, and Ori brought out flutes from somewhere inside their coats; Bombur produced a drum from the hall; Bifur and Bofur went out too, and came back with clarinets that they had left among the walking-sticks Dwalin and Balin said: "Excuse me, I left mine in the porch!" "Just bring mine in with you," said Thorin. They came back with viols as big as themselves, and with Thorin's harp wrapped in a green cloth. It was a beautiful gold-en harp, and when Thorin struck it the music began all at once, so sudden and sweet that Bilbo forgot everything else, and was swept away into dark lands under strange moons, far over The Water and very far from his hobbit-hole under The Hill. The dark came into the room from the little window that opened in the side of The Hill; the firelight flickered-it was April-and still they played on, while the shadow of Gandalf's beard wagged against the wall. The dark filled all the room, and the fire died down, and the shadows were lost, and still they played on. And suddenly first one and then another began to sing as they played, deep-throated singing of the dwarves in the deep places of their ancient homes; and this is like a fragment of their song, if it can be like their song without their music. "Far over the misty mountains cold To dungeons deep and caverns old We must away ere break of day To seek the pale enchanted gold. The dwarves of yore made mighty spells, While hammers fell like ringing bells In places deep, where dark things sleep, In hollow halls beneath the fells. For ancient king and elvish lord There many a gloaming golden hoard They shaped and wrought, and light they caught To hide in gems on hilt of sword. On silver necklaces they strung The flowering stars, on crowns they hung The dragon-fire, in twisted wire They meshed the light of moon and sun. Far over the misty mountains cold To dungeons deep and caverns old We must away, ere break of day, To claim our long-forgotten gold. Goblets they carved there for themselves And harps of gold; where no man delves There lay they long, and many a song Was sung unheard by men or elves. The pines were roaring on the height, The winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread; The trees like torches biased with light, The bells were ringing in the dale And men looked up with faces pale; The dragon's ire more fierce than fire Laid low their towers and houses frail. The mountain smoked beneath the moon; The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom. They fled their hall to dying -fall Beneath his feet, beneath the moon. Far over the misty mountains grim To dungeons deep and caverns dim We must away, ere break of day, To win our harps and gold from him!" As they sang the hobbit felt the love of beautiful things made by hands and by cunning and by magic moving through him, a fierce and jealous love, the desire of the hearts of dwarves. Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves, and wear a sword instead of a walking-stick. He looked out of the window. The stars were out in a dark sky above the trees. He thought of the jewels of the dwarves shining in dark caverns. Suddenly in the wood beyond The Water a flame leapt up--probably somebody lighting a wood-fire-and he thought of plundering dragons settling on his quiet Hill and kindling it all to flames. He shuddered; and very quickly he was plain Mr. Baggins of Bag-End, Under-Hill, again. He got up trembling. He had less than half a mind to fetch the lamp, and more than half a mind to pretend to, and go and hide behind the beer barrels in the cellar, and not come out again until all the dwarves had gone away. Suddenly he found that the music and the singing had stopped, and they were all looking at him with eyes shining in the dark. "Where are you going?" said Thorin, in a tone that seemed to show that he guessed both halves of the hobbit's mind. "What about a little light?" said Bilbo apologetically. "We like the dark," said the dwarves. "Dark for dark business! There are many hours before dawn." "Of course!" said Bilbo, and sat down in a hurry. He missed the stool and sat in the fender, knocking over the poker and shovel with a crash. "Hush!" said Gandalf. "Let Thorin speak!" And this is bow Thorin began. "Gandalf, dwarves and Mr. Baggins! We are not together in the house of our friend and fellow conspirator, this most excellent and audacious hobbit-may the hair on his toes never fall out! all praise to his wine and ale!-" He paused for breath and for a polite remark from the hob-bit, but the compliments were quite lost on-poor Bilbo Baggins, who was wagging his mouth in protest at being called audacious and worst of all fellow conspirator, though no noise came out, he was so flummoxed. So Thorin went on: "We are met to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices. We shall soon before the break of day start on our long journey, a journey from which some of us, or perhaps all of us (except our friend and counsellor, the ingenious wizard Gandalf) may never return. It is a solemn moment. Our object is, I take it, well known to us all. To the estimable Mr. Baggins, and perhaps to one or two of the younger dwarves (I think I should be right in naming Kili and Fili, for instance), the exact situation at the moment may require a little brief explanation-" This was Thorin's style. He was an important dwarf. If he had been allowed, he would probably have gone on like this until he was out of breath, without telling any one there 'anything that was not known already. But he was rudely interrupted. Poor Bilbo couldn't bear it any longer. At may never return he began to feel a shriek coming up inside, and very soon it burst out like the whistle of an engine coming out of a tunnel. All the dwarves sprang Bp knocking over the table. Gandalf struck a blue light on the end of his magic staff, and in its firework glare the poor little hobbit could be seen kneeling on the hearth-rug, shaking like a jelly that was melting. Then he fell flat on the floor, and kept on calling out "struck by lightning, struck by lightning!" over and over again; and that was all they could get out of him for a long time. So they took him and laid him out of the way on the drawing-room sofa with a drink at his elbow, and they went back to their dark business. "Excitable little fellow," said Gandalf, as they sat down again. "Gets funny queer fits, but he is one of the best, one of the best-as fierce as a dragon in a pinch." If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realise that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Gol-firnbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment. In the meanwhile, however, Bullroarer's gentler descendant was reviving in the drawing-room. After a while and a drink he crept nervously to the door of the parlour. This is what he heard, Gloin speaking: "Humph!" (or some snort more or less like that). "Will he do, do you think? It is all very well for Gandalf to talk about this hobbit being fierce, but one shriek like that in a moment of excitement would be enough to wake the dragon and all his relatives, and kill the lot of us. I think it sounded more like fright than excitement! In fact, if it bad not been for the sign on the door, I should have been sure we had come to the wrong house. As soon as I clapped eyes on the little fellow bobbing and puffing on the mat, I had my doubts. He looks more like a grocer-than a burglar!" Then Mr. Baggins turned the handle and went in. The Took side had won. He suddenly felt he would go without bed and breakfast to be thought fierce. As for little fellow bobbing on the mat it almost made him really fierce. Many a time afterwards the Baggins part regretted what he did now, and he said to himself: "Bilbo, you were a fool; you walked right in and put your foot in it." "Pardon me," he said, "if I have overheard words that you were saying. I don't pretend to understand what you are talking about, or your reference to burglars, but I think I am right in believing" (this is what he called being on his dignity) "that you think I am no good. I will show you. I have no signs on my door-it was painted a week ago-, and I am quite sure you have come to the wrong house. As soon as I saw your funny faces on the door-step, I had my doubts. But treat it as the right one. Tell me what you want done, and I will try it, if I have to walk from here to the East of East and fight the wild Were-worms in the Last Desert. I bad a great-great-great-granduncle once, Bullroarer Took, and -" "Yes, yes, but that was long ago," said Gloin. "I was talking about you. And I assure you there is a mark on this door-the usual one in the trade, or used to be. Burglar wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward, that's how it is usually read. You ^an say Expert Treasure-hunter instead of Burglar if you like. Some of them do. It's all the same to us. Gandalf told us that there was a man of the sort in these parts looking for a Job at once, and that he had arranged for a meeting here this Wednesday tea-time." "Of course there is a mark," said Gandalf. "I put it there myself. For very good reasons. You asked me to find the fourteenth man for your expedition, and I chose Mr. Baggins. Just let any one say I chose the wrong man or the wrong house, and you can stop at thirteen and have all the bad luck you like, or go back to digging coal." He scowled so angrily at Gloin that the dwarf huddled back in his chair; and when Bilbo tried to open his mouth to ask a question, he turned and frowned at him and stuck oat his bushy eyebrows, till Bilbo shut his mouth tight with a snap. "That's right," said Gandalf. "Let's have no more argument. I have chosen Mr. Baggins and that ought to !6te enough for all of you. If I say he is a Burglar, a Burglar he is, or will be when the time comes. There is a lot more in him than you guess, and a deal more than he has any idea of himself. You may (possibly) all live to thank me yet. Now Bilbo, my boy, fetch the lamp, and let's have little light on this!" On the table in the light of a big lamp with a red shad he spread a piece of parchment rather like a map. "This was made by Thror, your grandfather, Thorin, he said in answer to the dwarves' excited questions. "It is a plan of the Mountain." "I don't see that this will help us much," said Thorin disappointedly after a glance. "I remember the Mountain well enough and the lands about it. And I know where Mirkwood is, and the Withered Heath where the great dragons bred." "There is a dragon marked in red on the Mountain, said Balin, "but it will be easy enough to find him without that, if ever we arrive there." "There is one point that you haven't noticed," said the wizard, "and that is the secret entrance. You see that rune on the West side, and the hand pointing to it from the other runes? That marks a hidden passage to the Lower Halls. "It may have been secret once," said Thorin, "but how do we know that it is secret any longer? Old Smaug had lived there long enough now to find out anything there is to know about those caves." "He may-but he can't have used it for years and years. "Why?" "Because it is too small. 'Five feet high the door and three may walk abreast' say the runes, but Smaug could not creep into a hole that size, not even when he was a young dragon, certainly not after devouring so many of the dwarves and men of Dale." "It seems a great big hole to me," squeaked Bilbo (who had no experience of dragons and only of hobbit-holes) He was getting excited and interested again, so that he forgot to keep his mouth shut. He loved maps, and in his hall there hung a large one of the Country Round with all his favourite walks marked on it in red ink. "How could such a large door be kept secret from everybody outside, apart from the dragon?" he asked. He was only a little hobbit you must remember. "In lots of ways," said Gandalf. "But in what way this one has been hidden we don't know without going to see. From what it says on the map I should guess there is a closed door which has been made to look exactly like the side of the Mountain. That is the usual dwarves' method- I think that is right, isn't it?" "Quite right," said Thorin. "Also," went on Gandalf, "I forgot to mention that with the map went a key, a small and curious key. Here it is!" he said, and handed to Thorin a key with a long barrel and intricate wards, made of silver. "Keep it safe!" "Indeed I will," said Thorin, and he fastened it upon a fine chain that hung about his neck and under his jacket. "Now things begin to look more hopeful. This news alters them much for-the better. So far we have had no clear idea what to do. We thought of going East, as quiet and careful as we could, as far as the Long Lake. After that the trouble would begin." "A long time before that, if I know anything about the loads East," interrupted Gandalf. "We might go from there up along the River Running," went on Thorin taking no notice, "and so to the ruins of Dale-the old town in the valley there, under the shadow of the Mountain. But we none of us liked the idea of the Front Gate. The river runs right out of it through the great cliff at the South of the Mountain, and out of it comes the dragon too-far too often, unless he has changed." "That would be no good," said the wizard, "not without a mighty Warrior, even a Hero. I tried to find one; but warriors are busy fighting one another in distant lands, and in this neighbourhood heroes are scarce, or simply lot to be found. Swords in these parts are mostly blunt, and axes are used for trees, and shields as cradles or dish-covers; and dragons are comfortably far-off (and therefore legendary). That is why I settled on burglary-especially when I remembered the existence of a Side-door. And here is our little Bilbo Baggins, the burglar, the chosen and selected burglar. So now let's get on and make some plans." "Very well then," said Thorin, "supposing the burglar-expert gives us some ideas or suggestions." He turned with mock-politeness to Bilbo. "First I should like to know a bit more about things," said he, feeling all confused and a bit shaky inside, but so far still lookishly determined to go on with things. "I mean about the gold and the dragon, and all that, and how it got there, and who it belongs to, and so on and further." "Bless me!" said Thorin, "haven't you got a map? and didn't you hear our song? and haven't we been talking about all this for hours?" "All the same, I should like it all plain and clear," said he obstinately, putting on his business manner (usually reserved for people who tried to borrow money off him), and doing his best to appear wise and prudent and professional and live up to Gandalf's recommendation. "Also I should like to know about risks, out-of-pocket expenses, time required and remuneration, and so forth"-by which he meant: "What am I going to get out of it? and am I going to come back alive?" "O very well," said Thorin. "Long ago in my grandfather Thror's time our family was driven out of the far North, and came back with all their wealth and their tools to this Mountain on the map. It had been discovered by my far ancestor, Thrain the Old, but now they mined and they tunnelled and they made huger halls and greater workshops -and in addition I believe they found a good deal of gold and a great many jewels too. Anyway they grew immensely rich and famous, and my grandfather was King under the Mountain again and treated with great reverence by the mortal men, who lived to the South, and were gradually spreading up the Running River as far as the valley overshadowed by the Mountain. They built the merry town of Dale there in those days. Kings used to send for our smiths, and reward even the least skilful most richly. Fathers would beg us to take their sons as apprentices, and pay us handsomely, especially in food-supplies, which we never bothered to grow or find for ourselves. Altogether those were good days for us, and the poorest of us had money to spend and to lend, and leisure to make beautiful things just for the. fun of it, not to speak of the most marvellous and magical toys, the like of which is not to be found in the world now-a-days. So my grandfather's halls became full of armour and jewels and carvings and cups, and the toy-market of Dale was the wonder of the North. "Undoubtedly that was what brought the dragon. Dragons steal gold and jewels, you know, from men and elves and dwarves, wherever they can find them; and they guard their plunder as long as they live (which is practically forever, unless they are killed), and never enjoy a brass ring of it. Indeed they hardly know a good bit of work from a bad, though they usually have a good notion of the current market value; and they can't make a thing for themselves, not even mend a little loose scale of their armour. There were lots of dragons in the North in those days, and gold was probably getting scarce up there, with the dwarves flying south or getting killed, and all the general waste and destruction that dragons make going from bad to worse. There was a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm called Smaug. One day he flew up into the air and came south. The first we heard of it was a noise like a hurricane coming from the North, and the pine-trees on the Mountain creaking and cracking in the wind. Some of the dwarves who happened to be outside (I was one luckily -a fine adventurous lad in those days, always wandering about, and it saved my life that day)-well, from a good way off we saw the dragon settle on our mountain in a spout of flame. Then he came down the slopes and when he reached the woods they all went up in fire. By that time all the bells were ringing in Dale and the warriors were arming. The dwarves rushed out of their great gate; but there was the dragon waiting for them. None escaped that way. The river rushed up in steam and a fog fell on Dale, and in the fog the dragon came on them and destroyed most of the warriors-the usual unhappy story, it was only too common in those days. Then he went back and crept in through the Front Gate and routed out all the halls, and lanes, and tunnels, alleys, cellars, mansions and passages. After that there were no dwarves left alive inside, and he took all their wealth for himself. Probably, for that is the dragons' way, he has piled it all up in a great heap far inside, and sleeps on it for a bed. Later he used to crawl out of the great gate and come by night to Dale, and carry away people, especially maidens, to eat, until Dale was ruined, and all the people dead or gone. What goes on there now I don't know for certain, but I don't suppose anyone lives nearer to the Mountain than the far edge of the Long Lake now-a-days. "The few of us that were well outside sat and wept in hiding, and cursed Smaug; and there we were unexpectedly joined by my father and my grandfather with singed beards. They looked very grim but they said very little. When I asked how they had got away, they told me to hold my tongue, and said that one day in the proper time I should know. After that we went away, and we have had to earn our livings as best we could up and down the lands, often enough sinking as low as blacksmith-work or even coalmining. But we have never forgotten our stolen treasure. And even now, when I will allow we have a good bit laid by and are not so badly off"-here Thorin stroked the gold chain round his neck-"we still mean to get it back, and to bring our curses home to Smaug-if we can. "I have often wondered about my father's and my grandfather's escape. I see now they must have had a private Side-door which only they knew about. But apparently they made a map, and I should like to know how Gandalf got hold of it, and why it did not come down to me, the rightful heir." "I did not 'get hold of it,' I was given it," said the wizard. "Your grandfather Thror was killed, you remember, in the mines of Moria by Azog the Goblin -" "Curse his name, yes," said Thorin. "And Thrain your father went away on the twenty-first of April, a hundred years ago last Thursday, and has never been seen by you since-" "True, true," said Thorin. "Well, your father gave me this to give to you; and if I have chosen my own time and way of handing it over, you can hardly blame me, considering the trouble I had to find you. Your father could not remember his own name when he gave me the paper, and he never told me yours; so on the whole I think I ought to be praised and thanked. Here it is," said he handing the map to Thorin. "I don't understand," said Thorin, and Bilbo felt he would have liked to say the same. The explanation did not seem to explain. "Your grandfather," said the wizard slowly and grimly, "gave the map to his son for safety before he went to the mines of Moria. Your father went away to try his luck with the map after your grandfather was killed; and lots of adventures of a most unpleasant sort he had, but he never got near the Mountain. How he got there I don't know, but I found him a prisoner in the dungeons of the Necromancer." "Whatever were you doing there?" asked Thorin with a shudder, and all the dwarves shivered. "Never you mind. I was finding things out, as usual; and a nasty dangerous business it was. Even I, Gandalf, only just escaped. I tried to save your father, but it was too late. He was witless and wandering, and had forgotten almost everything except the map and the key." "We have long ago paid the goblins of Moria," said Thorin; "we must give a thought to the Necromancer." "Don't be absurd! He is an enemy quite beyond the powers of all the dwarves put together, if they could all be collected again from the four corners of the world. The one thing your father wished was for his son to read the map and use the key. The dragon and the Mountain are more than big enough tasks for you!" "Hear, hear!" said Bilbo, and accidentally said it aloud, "Hear what?" they all said turning suddenly towards him, and he was so flustered that he answered "Hear what I have got to say!" "What's that?" they asked. "Well, I should say that you ought to go East and have a look round. After all there is the Side-door, and dragons must sleep sometimes, I suppose. If you sit on the doorstep long enough, I daresay you will think of something. And well, don't you know, I think we have talked long enough for one night, if you see what I mean. What about bed, and an early start, and all that? I will give you a good breakfast before you go." "Before we go, I suppose you mean," said Thorin. "Aren't you the burglar? And isn't sitting on the door-step your job, not to speak of getting inside the door? But I agree about bed and breakfast. I like eggs with my ham, when starting on a journey: fried not poached, and mind you don't break 'em." After all the others had ordered their breakfasts without so much as a please (which annoyed Bilbo very much), they all got up. The hobbit had to find room for them all, and filled all his spare-rooms and made beds on chairs and sofas, before he got them all stowed and went to his own little bed very tired and not altogether happy. One thing he did make his mind up about was not to bother to get up very early and cook everybody else's wretched breakfast. The Tookishness was wearing off, and he was not now quite so sure that he was going on any journey in the morning. As he lay in bed he could hear Thorin still humming to himself in the best bedroom next to him: "Far over the misty mountains cold To dungeons deep and caverns old We must away, ere break of day, To find our long-forgotten gold." Bilbo went to sleep with that in his ears, and it gave him very uncomfortable dreams. It was long after the break of day, when he woke up.
when i have a boring day or a bad day i go to youtube look at a random jesse cox vid and think...there is meaning in this world =D. Why? because jesse cox has an epic feel good personality...u could say Jesse Cox's vids is similar to feel good eating once u watch one u just dont want to stop
... These comment sections are starting to look more like a social media page.... I don't like it. Also, like how Jesse loved the Buff powers but *never uses it*.
Google you have no reason for this. You aren't getting any ad revenue out of this. Good video Jesse, keep up the good work and all that but this is somehow worse than any change they've made so far. I thought it couldn't get any worse than it did before but they managed it
That Death From Above power only wrecks the cars so people can't go to the insurance company and say it's totalled and get a new one. Now they have to repair their old car. MUHAHAHAHA
Well upside, you can make a google+ page in your name(So can other people, time to make a page called Bluexephos and OMFGcata!) and if you click on my username I'm pretty sure it goes to my channel. So... Damage control -.-
RedFire So, to clarify, there's literally no way to comment anymore without a Google+ page or profile? Who at Google thought that would be a good idea!? "Hey, I got an idea! Lets remove everyone's ability to comment on any videos until they sign up for Google+!"
Does anyone know why there is always dark skies in the main simulation (i.e. not talking about the training or other people's, like Ben king's, simulations)?
We're gonna need this Look who just got back today Them wild eyed boys that had been away They haven't changed, that much to say Yeah, even then I still think all them cats are great They was askin' if you were around How you was and where you could be found? I told them you were livin' downtown Drivin' all those old men crazy The boys are back in town Oh I said, "Boys are back in town" The boys are back in town There was this chick who used to dance a lot Every night she'd be on the floor shakin' what she got I tell you she was cool, she was red hot I mean she was steamin' hot Remember that time over Johnny's place Well, this chick got up and she slapped Johnny's face Yeah, we just fell about the place If that chick don't want to know, forget her The boys are back in town Yeah I said, "Boys are back in town" The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town Spread the word around Yes, she's back in town Yes, spread the word around Yes, she's back in town Friday night they'll be dressed to kill Down at Dino's bar and grill The drinks will flow and blood will spill And if the boys wanna fight, you'd better let 'em That jukebox in the corner blastin' out my favorite song The nights are gettin' warmer, it won't be long It won't be long till summer comes Now that the boys are here again The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back, the boys are back The boys are back in town Spread the word around, spread the word around Oh, oh, oh, the boys are back in town again Yeah, they hangin' down at Dino's The boys are back in town again The boys are back in town again The boys are back in town again
BRAVEHEART Robert the Bruce (narrator): I shall tell you of William Wallace. Historians from England will say I am a liar, but history is written by those who have hanged heroes. The king of Scotland had died without a son, and the King of England, a cruel pagan known as Edward the Longshanks, claimed the thrown of Scotland for himself. Scotland's nobles fought him, and fought each other over the crown. So Longshanks invited them to talks of truce, no weapons, one page only. Among the farmers of that shire was Malcolm Wallace, a commoner with his own lands. He had two sons: John and William. Malcolm: I told you to stay. William: Well, I finished my work. Where are we going? Malcolm: MacAndrews. He was supposed to fess up when the gathering was over. William: Can I come? Malcolm: No. Go home, boy. William: But I want to go. Malcolm: Go home William or you'll the back of my hand. John: Follow him, William. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Malcolm: MacAndrews; MacAndrews. Great Jesus! William: Ah! (screams) Malcolm: It's all right! William! John: William! Malcolm: It's all right. Easy lad. Dead Page Boy: William! (in Wallace's house) Campbell: We fight them! MacClannough: Every nobleman who had the will to fight was at that meeting. We can not beat an army. Malcolm: We do not have to defeat them. Just fight them. Now who's with me. Campbell (among others): I am, Wallace. MacClannough: Alright, alright. Malcolm: Ay. Malcolm: Where do you think you're going? William: I'm going with you. Malcolm: Oh, you're going with, hey? And what are you going to do? William: I'm gonna help. Malcolm: Hey, and a good help you'd be, too. But I need you to stay here and look after the place for me while I'm away. William: I can fight! Malcolm: I know. I know you can fight. But it's out wits that make us men. See you tomorrow. John: Ha! Hamish: English! William: Get down! Hamish: With your father and brother gone, they'll kill us and burn the farm. William: It's up to us, Hamish. Both boys: Ahhhh! (Throw rocks) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Da? Da? Campbell: William, come here lad. (Funeral) Priest: (speaks Latin) Argyle: William, I am your uncle, Argyle. You have the look of your mother. Argyle: We'll stay here tonight. Tomorrow you'll come home with me. William: I don't want to leave. Argyle: You didn't want your father to die either, did ya? But it happened. Did the priest give a poetic benediction? "The Lord bless thee and keep thee"? William: It was in Latin. Argyle: You don't speak Latin? Well that's something we shall have to remedy, isn't it. Argyle: The Lord bless thee and keep thee. The Lord cause his light to shine on thee. The Lord lift up his continence upon thee. And give thee peace. Amen. Dead Malcolm: Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow her. (Campbell plays bagpipes) William: What are they doing? Argyle: Saying goodbye in their own way. Playing outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes. It was the same for me and your daddy, when our father was killed. (William looks at sword) Argyle: First, learn to use this (mind), then I'll teach you to use this (sword). --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert the Bruce (narrator): Many years later, Edward the Longshanks, King of England, supervised the wedding of his eldest son, who would succeed him to the thrown. As bride for his son, Longshanks had chosen the daughter of his rival, the King of France. It was widely whispered that for the princess to conceive, Longshanks would have to do the honors himself. That may have been what he had in mind all along. Longshanks: Scotland, my land. The French will grovel to anyone with strength, but how will they believe our strength when we can not rule the whole of our own island? Longshanks: Where is my son? Isabella: Your pardon, my Lord. He asked me to come in his stead. Longshanks: I sent for him and he sends you? Isabella: Shall I leave, my Lord? Longshanks: If he wants his Queen to rule when I am gone, then by all means stay, and learn how. Please. Longshanks: Nobles. Nobles are the key to the door of Scotland. Grant our nobles lands in the north. Give their nobles estates here in England, and make them too greedy to oppose us. Advisor: But sire, our nobles will be reluctant to uproot. New lands mean new taxes, and they are already taxed for the war in France. Longshanks: Are they? Are they? The trouble with Scotland is that it's full of Scots. Perhaps the time has come to reinstitute an old custom. Grant them prima noctes. First night, when any common girl inhabiting their lands is married, our nobles shall have sexual rights to her on the night of her wedding. If we can't get them out, we breed them out. That should fetch just the kind of lords we want to Scotland, taxes or no taxes. Advisor: A most excellent idea, sire. Longshanks: Is it? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert the Bruce (narrator): Now in Edinburgh, gathered the council of Scottish nobles. Among these was Robert, the 17th Earl of Bruce, the leading contender for the crown of Scotland. Robert the Bruce: I hear that Longshanks has granted prima noctes. Craig: Clearly meant to draw more of his supporters here. Robert the Bruce: My father believes that we must lull Longshanks into confidence by neither supporting his decree nor opposing it. Craig: A wise plan. And how is your father? We missed him at the council. Robert the Bruce: Ah. His affairs in France keep him long overdue, but he sends his greetings. And he says that I speak for all the Bruces, and for Scotland. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: (rides home and smells air) (wedding celebration; music playing) William: You dropped your rock. Hamish: Test of manhood. William: You win. Hamish: Call it a test of soldiery, then. The English won't let us train with weapons, so we train with stones. William: Well, a test of a soldier is not in his arm, it's here (mind). Hamish: No, it's here (arm) (Hamish hits William) William: Hamish? Hamish: Uh huh. (drumming, rock throwing contest) Campbell: Here you go, son. Show him how. Come on! Haha, my boy! William: That's a good throw. Hamish: Ay. Ay, it was. William: I was wondering if you could do that when it matters. As it, as is matters in battle. Can you crush a man with that throw? Hamish: I could crush you, like a worm. William: You could? Hamish: Ay. William: Well then do it. Would you like to see him crush me like a worm? Crowd: Ay! William: Then do it. Hamish: You'll move. William: I will not. Campbell: He'll move. (Hamish misses, William hits Hamish) Campbell: Fine display, young Wallace. William: You alright? You look a widdy bit shaky. Hamish: I should have remembered the rocks. William: Ay, you should have. Get up you big heap. It's good to see you again. Hamish: Ay, welcome home. Girl: William, will you dance with me? William: Of coarse I will. (Horses ride in) English lord: I have come to claim the right of prima noctes. As lord of these lands, I will bless this marriage by taking the bride into my bed on the first night of her union. Scottish man: By God, you will not! Lord: It is my noble right. (They ride off with bride). Smythe: Ha ha. Ha ha. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (raining, outside of Murron's house) William: Good evening, sir. MacClannough: Ah, young Wallace. Grand soft evening, huh? William: Ay, is that. I was wondering if I might have a word with your daughter. MacClannough: What do you want to have a word with her about? William: Well, ah, Murron, would you like to come and ride with me on this fine evening? Mrs. MacClannough: In this? You're out of your mind. William: Oh, it's good Scottish weather, madam. The rain is fallin' straight down, well slightly to the side like. Mrs. MacClannough: She can not go with you. William: No? Mrs. MacClannough: No the no, anyway. William: No the no. MacClannough: No the no. We'll see you later. Murron: 'O the weather's just fine. It's hardly raining. Mrs. MacClannough: Did you no hear what I said? Now get--Murron. It's you she takes after. William: How did you know me after so long? Murron: Why, I didn't. William: No? Murron: It's just that I saw you staring at me and I didn't know who you were. William: 'O sorry, I suppose I was. Are you in the habit of riding off in the rain with strangers? Murron: It was the best way to make you leave. William: Well, if I can ever work up the courage to ask you again, I'll send you a written warning first. Murron: 'O it wouldn't do you much good. I can't read. William: Can you not? Murron: no. William: Well that's something we shall have to remedy, isn't it. Murron: You're going to teach me to read, then? William: Ah, if you like. Murron: Ay. William: In what language? Murron: Are you showing off now? William: That's right. Are you impressed yet? Murron: No. Why should I be? William: (in French) Yes. Because every single day I thought about you. Murron: Do that standing on your head and I'll be impressed. William: My kilt may fly up but I'll try. Murron: You certainly didn't learn any manners on your travels. William: I'm afraid the Romans have far worse manners than I. Murron: You've been to Rome? William: Ay, my uncle took me on a pilgrimage. Murron: What was it like? William: (in French) Not nearly as beautiful as you. Murron: What does that mean? William: Beautiful. But I belong here. Mrs. MacClannough: Murron, come in now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Sir, I know it was strange of me to invite Murron to ride last night, but I assure you I-- Campbell: MacClannough's daughter is another matter. I've come to fetch you to a meeting. William: What kind of meeting? Campbell: The secret kind. MacClannough: Your meetings are a waste of time, Campbell. Campbell: Your father was a fighter, and a patriot. William: I know who my father was. I came back home to raise crops, and God willing a family. If I can live in peace, I will. MacClannough: You say you want to stay out of the troubles? William: Ay. MacClannough: If you can prove it, you may court my daughter. Until you prove it, my answer is no. William: No? MacClannough: No Wallace, no. William: Didn't I just prove it? MacClannough: No. William: No? MacClannough: No. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Of coarse, running a farm is a lot of work, but that will all change when my sons arrive. Murron: So, you've got children? William: Well not yet, but I was hoping that you could help me with that. Murron: So you want me to marry you, then? William: Well, that's a bit sudden but alright. Murron: Is that what you call a proposal? William: I love you. Always have. I want to marry you. Is that a yes? Murron: Ay, that's a yes. William: We best hurry. He'll be waiting. Murron: Wait. William: Where are you going? William: What's that? Murron: You'll see. William: Father. William: I will love you my whole life; you and no other. Murron: And I you; you and no other forever. Priest: (speaks Latin) William: When am I gonna see you again? Tonight? Murron: I can't. William: Why not? Murron: My dad's gotten suspicious. William: Not as suspicious as you (?). When? Murron: Tonight. William: Tonight? Murron: Ay. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Smythe: Look lively, sergeant. Smythe: Where are you going lassie? Oo, that looks heavy. Let me help you. Murron: That's fine. Smythe: 'O, you remind me of my daughter back home. Smythe: Hello lassie. Soldier: Keep going, Smythe. (lots of screaming) Smythe: Ah, you bitch. William: Are you alright? Murron: Ay. William: Can you ride? Murron: Ay. Smythe: Come back here, you bastard. William: Meet me at the grove. Ride. Smythe: They're getting away. William: Murron? Murron? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magistrate: All of you know full well the great pains I've always taken never to be to strict, to rigid, with the application of our laws. And as a consequence, have we not learned to live together in relative peace and harmony? Ha? And this day's lawlessness is how you repay my leniency. Well you leave me with little choice. An assault on the king's soldiers is the same as an assault on the king himself. (He kills Murron) Magistrate: Now, let this scrapper come to me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soldier: There. (points at William) (fighting starts) Magistrate: Corporal, summon archers on the tower, now. Hamish: Hold still, father. Campbell: Ahh, boy! (William kills Magistrate) Campbell: MacClannough, MacClannough! Crowd of Scotsmen: MacClannough, MacClannough, WALLACE, WALLACE! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Murron's Funeral) Priest: (speaks Latin) Mrs. MacClannough: (crying) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Campbell: What cha waiting for, boy? Hamish: Here. You can do it. I'll hold him down. Morrison: Here. You can do it. I'll hold him down. Campbell: Ay, straight in, boy. I know it seems like a waste of good whiskey, but indulge me. AHHH. Hamish: Hold him! Hold him! Scottish man: Let him go. Sorry. Campbell: That will wake you up in the morning, boy. Watch guard: There's somebody coming. Arm yourselves. Hamish: There's somebody coming. Campbell: MacGregors, from the next clan. MacGregor: We heard about what was happening, and we don't want you armidants thinking you can have your fun without us. William: Go home. Some of us are in this. We can't help that now. But you can help yourselves. Go home. MacGregor: We'll have no homes left when the English garrison from the castle comes through and burns us out. And they will. William and Campbell: Welcome! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (William's army enters, dressed as English patrol) English soldier: Patrol returning, my Lord. English Lord: So, what news? (William hits Lord) English Lord: I have dispatched 100 soldiers to Lanark. They will be returning now. William: Were they dressed like this? Actually, it was more like 50. Make it quick. Morrison: Do you remember me? Lord: I never did her any harm. It was my right. Morrison: Your right? Well I'm here to claim the right as a husband. William: I am William Wallace, and the rest of you will be spared. Go back to England, and tell them there that Scotland's daughters and her sons are yours no more. Tell them Scotland is free. Burn it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (in English castle) Longshanks: Scottish rebels have routed one of my garrisons and murdered the noble lord. Prince: I heard. This Wallace is a brigand, nothing more. Longshanks: And how would you deal with this brigand? Prince: Like any common thief. Have the local magistrate arrest him and punish him accordingly. Longshanks: Leave us. Wallace has already killed the magistrate and taken control of the town. Stand up. Stand up. In the morning, I depart for France to press our rights there, and I leave you here to quell this little rebellion, understood? Is it? One day you will be a king. At least try to act like one. Prince: Get away from me. I will need my military council. Nicolette: (in French) I hope your husband goes to Scotland and meets Wallace and then you'll be a widow. English soldier: After them. English leader: No point resisting. You're outnumbered and trapped. Now where are the rest of you? Where's Wallace? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: Father? Leper: Ah, come in, come in. Robert: A rebellion has begun. Leper: Under whom? Robert: A commoner named William Wallace. Leper: We will embrace this rebellion. Support it from our lands in the north. I will gain English favor by condemning it, and ordering it opposed from our lands in the south. Sit down. Stay a while. Robert: This Wallace, he doesn't even have a knighthood, but he fights with passion and he inspires. Leper: And you wish to charge off and fight as he did. So would I. Robert: Well, maybe it's time. Leper: It is time to survive. You're the 17th Robert Bruce. The 16 before you passed you land and title because they didn't charge in. Call a meeting of the nobles. Robert: But they do nothing but talk. Leper: Rightly so. They're as rich in English titles and lands as they are in Scottish, just as we are. Admire this man, this William Wallace. Uncompromising men are easy to admire. He has courage, so does a dog. But it is exactly the ability to compromise that makes a man noble. And understand this: Edward Longshanks is the most ruthless king ever to sit in the thrown of England. And none of us, and nothing of Scotland will remain, unless we are as ruthless. Give in to our nobles. Knowing their minds is the key to the thrown. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prince: Wait. Wait. Look. This is right and this is left. Carry on. Carry on. Nicolette: (in French) When the king returns, he will bury them in those new clothes. Scotland is in chaos. Your husband is secretly sending an army north. Isabella: (in French) How do you know this? Nicolette: (in French) Last night I slept with a member of the War Council. Isabella: (in French) He shouldn't be telling secrets in bed. Nicolette: (in French) Englishmen don't know what a tongue is for. Isabella: (in French) Ah. This Scottish rebel, Wallace. He fights to avenge a woman? Nicolette: (in French) I nearly forgot. A magistrate wished to capture him, and found he had a secret lover. So he cut the girl's throat to tempt Wallace to fight, and fight he did. Knowing his passion for his lost love, they next plotted to take him by desecrating the graves of his father and brother, and setting an ambush at the grave of his love. He fought his way through the trap and carried her body to a secret place. Now that's love, no? Isabella: Love? I wouldn't know. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: You know, eventually Longshanks will send his whole Northern Army against us. Campbell: Heavy cavalry, armored horse; shake the very ground. Hamish: They'll ride right over us. William: Uncle Argyle used to talk about it; how no army had ever stood up to a charge of heavy horse. Hamish: So what'll we do? Campbell: Run, hide, the highland way. William: We'll make spears. Hundreds of them. Long spears, twice as long as a man. Hamish: That long? William: Ay. Hamish: Some men are longer than others. Campbell: Your mother's been telling stories about me again, ah? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guard: Volunteers coming in. Faudron: William Wallace, we've come to fight and to die for ya. William: Stand up, man. I'm not the pope. Faudron: My name is Faudron, and my sword is yours. I brought you this. Guard: We checked them for arms. Faudron: I brought you this. My wife made it for ya. William: Thank you. Stephen: (laughs) Him? That can't be William Wallace. I'm prettier than this man. Alright Father, I'll ask him. If I risk my neck for you, will I get a chance to kill Englishmen? Hamish: Is your father a ghost or do you converse with the Almighty? Stephen: In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God. Yes, Father. The Almighty says don't change the subject; just answer the fooking question. Hamish: Mind your tongue. Campbell: Insane Irish. Stephen: (pulls dagger on Campbell) Smart enough to get a dagger past your guards, old man. William: That's my friend, Irishman. And the answer to your question is yes; if you fight for me you get to kill the English. Stephen: Excellent. Stephen is my name. I'm the most wanted man on my island, except I'm not on my island, of coarse. Mores the pity. Hamish: Your island? You mean Ireland. Stephen: Yeah. It's mine. Hamish: You're a madman. Stephen: I've come to the right place, then. (everyone laughs) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Faurdon trys to kill Wallace, but Stephen saves him) Stephen: Sure didn't the Almighty send me to watch your back? I didn't like him anyway. He wasn't right in the head. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hamish: William, it's our runners. Morrison: The English are devising an army towards Scotland. William: Will the nobles rally? Runner: Robert the Bruce and most of the others will not commit to battle. But word is spread, and highlanders are coming down on their own. Morrison: Ay, in flocks of hundreds and thousands. William: Are you ready for a war? Mornay: Well, what news? Horseman: We're outnumbered, at least 3 to 1. Mornay: How many horse, then? Horseman: 300, maybe more. Mornay: 300 heavy horse? Lochlan: We must try to negotiate. Short soldier: What are they talking about? Tall soldier: I can't hear, but it doesn't look good. The nobles will negotiate. If they do a deal, then we go home. And if not, we charge. Mornay: 300 heavy horse; we have no chance. Short soldier: I didn't come here to fight so they can own more lands; then I have to work for them. Tall soldier: Nor me. Alright lads. I have no time for these bastards; lets go home. Lochlan: Stop men. Do not leave. Wait until we've negotiated. Short soldier: William Wallace? Tall soldier: Can't be. Not tall enough. Stephen: The Almighty says this must be a fashionable fight. It's drawn the finest people. Lochlan: Where is thy salute? William: For presenting yourselves on this battlefield, I give you thanks. Lochlan: This is our army. To join it you give homage. William: I give homage to Scotland. And if this is your army, why does it go? Tall soldier: We didn't come here to fight for them. Short soldier: Home. The English are too many. William: Sons of Scotland, I am William Wallace. Short soldier: William Wallace is 7 feet tall. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds, and if he were here he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his ass. I am William Wallace, and I see before me an army of my countrymen here in defiance of tyranny. You have come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What would you do without freedom? Will you fight? Tall soldier: Fight against that? No, we will run, and we will live. William: Ay, fight and you may die, run and you'll live. At least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. (cheering) English lord: They seem quite optimistic to me. Maybe they do want to fight. Cheltham: Confrontation might be a foregone conclusion, my lord. But none the less, I think we should deliver the king's terms. Lord: The king's terms will never live up to them. Cheltham: My lord, I think--. Lord: Alright, offer them the terms. Craig: They're coming out. Shall we go and meet them? Stephen: Fine speech. Now what do we do? William: Just be yourselves. Hamish: Where are you going? William: I'm going to pick a fight. Hamish: Well, we didn't get dressed up for nothing. Cheltham: Mornay, Lochlan, Craig. Here are the king's terms. Lead this army off field and he will give you each estates in Yorkshire, including hereditary title, from which you will pay--, from which you will pay him an annual duty--. William: I have an offer for you. Mornay: Cheltham, this is William Wallace. Cheltham: From which you will pay the king an annual duty--. William: I said I have an offer for you. Lochlan: You disrespect a banner of truce? William: From his king? Absolutely. Here are Scotland's terms. Lower your flags, and march straight back to England, stopping at every home to beg forgiveness for 100 years of theft, rape, and murder. Do that and your men shall live. Do it not, and every one of you will die today. Cheltham: You are outmatched. You have no heavy cavalry. In two centuries no army has won without--. William: I'm not finished. Before we let you leave, your commander must cross that field, present himself before this army, put his head between his legs, and kiss his own ass. Mornay: I'd say that was rather less cordial that he was used to. William: You be ready and do exactly as I say. On my signal, ride round behind our position and flank them. Mornay: We must not divide our forces. William: Do it, and let the English see you do it. Mornay: They'll think we've run away. William: Take out their archers, and I'll meet you in the middle. Mornay: Alright. Priest: (speaks Latin) English Lord: Insolent bastard. I want this Wallace's head on a plate. Archers. (Scots scream) Stephen: The Lord says He can get me out of this mess, but He's pretty sure you're fooked. Ah! (Scots scream) William: Ride! Lord: See, every Scot with a horse is fleeing. Our cavalry will ride them down like grass. Send the horse; full attack. William: Hold! Hold! Hold! Now! (lots of screaming) Lord: Send the infantry. Cheltham: My Lord? Lord: You lead them. (lots of fighting) Lord: Retreat! William: Alright. William: (screaming) Scottish army: (screaming) WALLACE! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Craig: I knight thee Sir William Wallace. Sir William, in the name of God we declare and appoint thee guardian and high protector of Scotland and thy Captains as aides-de-camp. Stand and be recognized. Robert: Does anyone know his politics? Craig: No, but his weight with the commoners can unbalance everything. The Balliols will kiss his ass so we must. Balliol supporter: Sir William, Sir William. Inasmuch as you and your captains hail from a region long known to support the Balliol clan, may we invite you to continue your support and uphold our rightful claim. (screaming) William: Gentlemen!, Gentlemen! Balliol supporter: Now is the time to declare a king. Mornay: Wait! Then you are prepared to recognize our legitimate succession. Balliol supporter: You're the ones who won't support the rightful claim. Mornay: Those were lies when you first wrote them. Balliol supporter: I demand recognition of these documents. Craig: Gentlemen! Please, Gentlemen! Wait! Sir William, where are you going? William: We have beaten the English, but they'll come back because you won't stand together. Craig: Well what will you do? William: I will invade England and defeat the English on their own ground. Craig: Invade? That's impossible. William: Why? Why is that impossible? You're so concerned with squabbling for the scraps from Longshank's table that you've missed your God given right to something better. There is a difference between us. You think the people of this country exist to provide you with possession. I think your possession exists to provide those people with freedom. And I go to make sure that they have it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: Wait! I respect what you said, but remember that these men have lands and castles. It's much to risk. William: And the common man who bleeds on the battlefield, does he risk less? Robert: No, but from top to bottom this country has no sense of itself. Its nobles share allegiance with England. Its clans war with each other. If you make enemies on both sides of the border, you'll end up dead. William: We all end up dead; it's just a question of how and why. Robert: I'm not a coward. I want what you want, but we need the nobles. William: We need them? Robert: Ay. William: Now tell me, what does that mean to be noble? Your title gives you claim to the thrown of our country, but men don't follow titles, they follow courage. Now our people know you. Noble, and common, they respect you. And if you would just lead them to freedom, they'd follow you. And so would I. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Royal Governor of York: Damn it! The sodomite my cousin the prince tells me he has no troops to lend and every town in Northern England is begging for help. Soldier: Wallace rides! Governor: To which town? Soldier: To here my Lord. Governor: Bring the food and provisions inside, double the wall guards, seal the gate, now! Soldier: Quickly, bring in the provisions, seal off the gate, NOW! Soldier: Sir, we can get you out if you leave now. Governor: I am not about to tell my Uncle I've lost him the greatest city in Northern England. William: Come on! Scottish soldiers: AAAHHH! (lots of cheering, gate on fire) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (back in London) Soldier: Make way for the King. Philip: It's not your fault. Stand up to him. Prince: I will stand up to him and more. Longshanks: What news of the North? Prince: Nothing new, Your Majesty. We've sent riders to speed any word. Longshanks: I heard the word in France, where I was fighting to expand your future kingdom. The word, my son, is that our entire Northern Army has been annihilated. And you have done nothing. Prince: I have ordered conscriptions. They are assembled and ready to depart. Soldier: Excuse me, sire, but there is a very urgent message from York. Longshanks: Come. Leave us. Soldier: Yes, sire. Prince: Wallace has sacked York. Longshanks: What? Prince: Wallace has sacked York. Ah! Philip: Sire, thy own nephew. What beast could do such a thing? Longshanks: If he can sack York, he can invade lower England. Philip: We would stop him! Longshanks: Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advise? Prince: I have declared Philip my High Counselor. Longshanks: Is he qualified? Philip: I am skilled in the arts of war and military tactics, sire. Longshanks: Are you? Then tell me, what advice would you offer on the present situation? (Longshanks kick's Philip out the window) Philip: AAAHHH! (Longshanks kicks Prince) Longshanks: I shall offer a truce and pie him off. But who will go to him? Not I, huh, if I fell under the sword of that murderer that might be my head in a basket. And not my gentle son. The mere sight of him would only encourage the enemy to take over the whole country. So who do I send? Whom do I send? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: I'm dreaming. Murron: Yes you are, and you must wake. William: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you. Murron: And I with you. But you must wake now. Wake up, William. Wake up. William, wake up. Campbell: William, a royal entourage comes, flying banners of truce, with the standard of Longshanks himself. Isabella: I am the Princess of Wales. I come as the king's servant and with his authority. William: To do what? Isabella: To discuss the king's proposals. Will you speak with a woman? Isabella: I understand you have recently been given the rank of knight. William: I have been given nothing. God makes men what they are. Isabella: Did God make you the sacker of peaceful cities, the executioner of the king's nephew, my husband's own cousin? William: York was the staging point for every invasion of my country. And that royal cousin hanged innocent Scots, even women and children, from the city walls. Oh, Longshanks did far worse the last time he took a Scottish city. Hamilton: (in Latin) He is a bloody murdering savage. And he's telling lies. William: (in Latin) I never lie. But I am a savage. (in French) Or in French if you prefer. (in English) You ask your king to his face, ask him, and see if his eyes can convince you of the truth. Isabella: Hamilton, leave us. Hamilton: My lady? Isabella: Leave us. Now. Let us talk plainly. You invade England, but you can not complete the conquest so far from your shelter and supply. The king desires peace. William: Longshanks desires peace? Isabella: He declares it to me, I swear it. He proposes that you withdraw your attack. In return he grants you title, estates, and this chest of gold which I am to pay to you personally. William: A lordship and titles. Gold. That I should become Judas? Isabella: Peace is made in such ways. William: Slaves are made in such ways. The last time Longshanks spoke of peace I was a boy. And many Scottish nobles, who would not be slaves, were lured by him under a flag of truce to a barn where he had them hanged. I was very young, but I remember Longshank's notion of peace. Isabella: I understand you have suffered. I know about your woman. William: She was my wife. We married in secret because I would not share her with an English Lord. They killed her to get to me. I have never spoken of it. I don't know why I tell you now except I see her strength in you. One day you'll be a queen, and you must open your eyes. You tell your king that William Wallace will not be ruled, and nor will any Scot while I live. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Longshanks: Ah, my son's loyal wife returns unkilled by the heathen. So he accepted our bribe? Isabella: No, he did not. Longshanks: Then why does he stay? My scouts tell me that he has not advanced. Isabella: He waits for you at York. He says he will attack no more towns or cities, if you are man enough to come and face him. Longshanks: Did he? The Welsh bowmen will not be detected arriving so far around his flank. The main force of our armies from France will land here to the north of Edinburgh. Conscripts from Ireland will approach from the southwest to here. Prince: Welsh bowmen, troops from France, Irish conscripts. Even if you dispatch them today they will take weeks to assemble. Longshanks: I dispatched them before I sent your wife. So our little ruse succeeded. Thank you. And while this upstart awaits my arrival in York, my forces will have arrived in Edinburgh behind him. You spoke with this Wallace in private? Tell me, what kind of man is he? Isabella: A mindless barbarian, not a king like you, my lord. Longshanks: You may return to your embroidery. Isabella: Humbly, my lord. Prince: You brought back the money, of coarse. Isabella: No, I gave it to ease the suffering of the children of this war. Longshanks: haha! That's what happens when you send a woman. Isabella: Forgive me, sire. I thought that generosity might demonstrate your greatness to those you mean to rule. Longshanks: My greatness will be better demonstrated when Wallace returns to Scotland and finds his country in ashes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hamish: William, there's riders approaching. Personal escort of the princess. You must have made an impression. William: Ay. Hamish: I didn't think you were in the tent that long. William: (in French) Miss. Nicolette: (in French) A message from my mistress. William: (in French) Thank you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen: It's true. The English ships are moving up from the south. I don't know about the Welsh yet, but the Irish have landed. I had to see it with me own eyes before I could believe it. Hamish: What the hell are the Irish doing fighting with the English? Stephen: I wouldn't worry about them. Didn't I tell you before, it's my island. William: Hamish, ride ahead to Edinburgh and assemble the council. Order it. Hamish: Ay. William: Your island? Stephen: My island! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mornay: This time our only option is to negotiate. William: My army has marched for more days than I can remember, and we still have preparations to make. So I'll make this plain. We require every soldier you can summon. Your personal escorts, even yourselves. And we need them now. Craig: With such a force of raid against us, it is time to discuss other options. William: Other options? Don't you wish at least to lead your men onto the field and barter a better deal with Longshanks before you tuck tail and run? Robert: Sir William. Craig: We can not defeat this army. William: We can. Robert: Sir William. William: And we will. We won at Stirling, and still you quibble. We won at York and you would not support us. If you will not stand up with us now then I say you're a coward. (Hamish swings axe) William: And if you are Scotsmen, I am ashamed to call myself one. Robert: Please, Sir William. Speak with me alone. I beg you. Robert: Now you've achieved more than anyone ever dreamed, but fighting these odds it looks like rage, not courage. William: It's well beyond rage. Help me. In the name of Christ help yourselves. Now is our chance, now. If we join, we can win. If we win, well then we'll have what none of us have ever had before: a country of our own. You are the rightful leader, and there is strength in you. I see it. Unite us. Unite us. Unite the clans. Alright. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: This can not be the way. Leper: You said yourself, the nobles will not support Wallace. So how does it help us to join the side that is slaughtered? Robert: I gave him my word. Leper: I know it is hard. Being a leader is. Now son, son, look at me. I can not be king. You, and you alone can rule Scotland. What I tell you, you must do. Not for me, not for yourself, but for your country. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soldier: Make way. Coming through. Make way lads. Hamish: The Bruce is not coming, William. William: He'll come. Mornay and Lochlan have come. So will the Bruce. Longshanks: Quite a lovely gathering. Wouldn't you agree? General: The archers are ready, sire. Longshanks: Not the archers. My scouts tell me their archers are miles away and no threat to us. Arrows cost money. Use up the Irish. Their dead cost nothing. And send in the infantry and cavalry. General: Infantry, cavalry, advance. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Irish advance and shake hands with the Scottish Army) Longshanks: Irish! William: Glad to have you with us. Watch this. General: Mornay, Lochlan? Longshanks: I gave Mornay double his lands in Scotland and matching estates in England. Lochlan turned for much less. Archers. General: I beg your pardon, sire. Won't we hit our own troops? Longshanks: Yes, but we'll hit theirs as well. We have reserves. Attack. General: Archers. Longshanks: Send in our reinforcements. General: Send in the rest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Longshanks: Bring me Wallace. Alive if possible. Dead, just as good. Send news of our victory. Shall we retire. (William hit by arrow) General: Protect the king. Robert: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (William sees that Robert has duble crossed him. He is shocked) Robert: Get up! Get up! Get him out of here. Stephen: Jesus! Robert: Go! Stephen: Ah! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Campbell: I'm dying. Let me be. Hamish: No, your going to live. Campbell: I've lived long enough to live free; proud to see you become the man you are. I'm a happy man. (Hamish cries) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leper: I'm the one who's rotting but I think your face looks graver than mine. Son, we must have alliance with England to prevail here. You achieved that. You saved your family, increased your land. In time, you will have all the power in Scotland. Robert: Lands, titles, men, power, nothing. Leper: Nothing? Robert: I have nothing. Men fight for me, because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their wives and their children. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk, they fought for William Wallace, and he fights for something that I've never had. And I took it from him when I betrayed him and I saw it in his face on the battlefield, and it's tearing me apart. Leper: Well, all men betray. All lose heart. Robert: I don't want to lose heart. I want to believe as he does. I will never be on the wrong side again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Mornay's dreaming) Mornay: (crying) Ah! (Wallace kills him and jumps out window) Scottish noble: Lord Craig, is it true about Mornay? Craig: Ay, Wallace rode into his bead chamber and killed him. More a liability now then ever he was. And there's no telling who'll be next. Robert: Maybe you, maybe me. It doesn't matter. Craig: I'm serious, Robert. Robert: So am I. Haha! (Lochlan drops on table) Craig: Search the place. Noble: Lochlan. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Common towns people talking) Common Scot: William Wallace killed 50 men. 50 in one. Commoner #2: 100 men, with his own sword. Commoner #3: Cut through them like Moses through the Red Sea. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Longshanks: His legend grows. It will be worse than before. Hamilton: He rallies new volunteers in every Scottish town. And when he replenishes his numbers, -- Longshanks: They're sheep, mere sheep. Easily dispersed if we strike the shepherd. Very well. Take a flock of your finest assassins and set a meeting. Hamilton: My lord, Wallace is renowned for his ability to smell an ambush. Longshanks: If what Lord Hamilton tells me is correct, he warmed to our future queen and would trust her. So we'll dispatch her with the notion that she comes in peace. Hamilton: My Lord, the princess might be taken hostage, or her life be put in jeopardy. Longshanks: My son would be most distressed by that. But if she were to be killed, we would soon find the King of France a useful ally against the Scots. You see, as king, you must find the good in any situation. Assassin: It's William Wallace sure. And he's given up his sword. Be ready. (lots of screaming, hut is burned) William: My lady. I received your message. This is the second time you've warned me of danger. Why? Isabella: There will be a new shipment of supplies coming north next month. Food and weapons, they will-- William: Why do you help me? Why do you help me? Isabella: Because of the way you are looking at me now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen: Just when we thought all hope was lost, our noble saviors have arrived. Off with hoods. Craig: Sir William, we've come to seek a meeting. William: Well, what's the point? You've all sworn loyalty to Longshanks. Craig: An oath to a liar is no oath at all. Every man of us is ready to swear loyalty to you. William: So let the council swear it publicly. Craig: We can not. Some scarcely believe you are alive. Others think you pay the Mornay's wages. So we (?) to Edinburgh. Meet us two days from now. Give us your pardon and we'll unite behind you. Scotland will be one. William: One? You mean us and you. Craig: No, I mean this. It's the pledge of Robert the Bruce. Hamish: You do know it's a trap. Tell him. Stephen: I think if the Bruce wanted to kill you he'd have done it already at Falkirk. William: Ay. Stephen: I know, I saw. Hamish: I ain't leaving him aside. What about the others? The scheming bastards couldn't agree on the color of shit. It's a trap, are you blind? William: We've got to try. We can't do this alone. Joining the nobles is the only hope for our people. You know what happens if we don't take that chance? Hamish: What? William: Nothing. Hamish: I don't want to be a martyr. William: Nor I. I want to live. I want a home, and children, and peace. Hamish: Do ya? William: Ay, I do. I've asked God for these things. It's all for nothing if you don't have freedom. Hamish: That's all a dream, William. William: A dream? Just a dream? What we've been doing all this time; we've lived that dream. Hamish: You dream isn't about freedom. It's about Murron. You're doing this to be a hero because you think she sees you. William: I don't think she sees me. I know she does. And your father sees you, too. (Hamish hits William) Stephen: Jesus?! Shall I come with you. William: No, I'll go alone. Stephen: I'll see you after. William: Right. Stephen: Sooner rather than later, I hope. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Craig: He won't come. Robert: He will. I know he will. Guard: My Lord, he approaches. (Robert sees trap) Robert: NO! Craig: Stay out of it, Robert. Robert: Get Away! Get Away! Craig: The Bruce is not to be harmed. That was the arrangement. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: Father! You fooking bastard. Why? Why? Leper: Longshanks required Wallace. So did our nobles. That was the prize of your crown. Robert: Die! I want you to die. Leper: Soon enough I'll be dead. And you'll be king. Robert: I don't want anything from you. You're not a man, and you're not my father. Leper: You are my son, and you have always known my mind. Robert: You deceived me. Leper: You let yourself be deceived. In your heart, you always knew what had to happen here. At last, you know what it means to hate. Now you're ready to be king. Robert: My hate will die with you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Executioner: William Wallace, you stand intained of High Treason. William: Against whom? Executioner: Against your king. Have you anything to say? William: Never in my whole life did I swear allegiance to him. Executioner: It matters not. He is your king. Confess, and you may receive a quick death. Deny, and you must be purified by pain. Do you confess? Do you confess? Then on the morrow you shall receive your purification. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guard: Your Highness. Isabella: I will see the prisoner. Guard: We've got orders from the king that no one-- Isabella: The king will be dead in a month and his son is a weakling. Who do you think will rule this kingdom? Now open this door. Guard: Majesty: Come on, back on your feet. (Guard kicks William) Isabella: Stop it. Leave me. I said leave me. William: My lady. Isabella: Sir, I've come to beg you to confess all and swear allegiance to the king, that he might show you mercy. William: Will he show mercy to my country? Isabella: Mercy is to die quickly, perhaps even live in a tower. In time, who knows what could happen. William: If I swear to him, then all that I am is dead already. Isabella: You will die. It will be awful. William: Every man dies, not every man really lives. Isabella: Drink this. It will dull your pain. William: No. It will numb my wits, and I must have them all. For if I'm senseless or if I wail, then Longshanks will have broken me. Isabella: I can't bear the thought of your torture. Take it. William: Alright. (They kiss, and William spits it out) Isabella: I have come to beg for the life of William Wallace. Prince: You're quite taken with him, aren't you. Isabella: I respect him. At worst he was a worthy enemy. Show mercy, O great king, and win the respect of your own people. Even now you are incapable of mercy. And you. To you that word is as unfamiliar as love. Prince: Before he lost his powers of speech he told me his one comfort was he would live to know Wallace was dead. Isabella: You see, death comes to us all. But before it comes to you, know this. Your plot dies with you. A child who is not of your line grows in my belly. Your son will not sit long on the thrown, I swear it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (crowd cheers) William: I am so afraid. Give me the strength to die well. Common man: Here he comes! (crowd throws food at him) Executioner: Now behold the awful prize of treason. You will fall to your knees now. Declare yourself the king's loyal subject, and beg his mercy, and you shall have it. (no response) Executioner: Rope. Stretch him. That's it, stretch him. Pleasant, yes? Rise to your knees, kiss the royal emblem on my cloak, and you will feel no more. (no response) Executioner: Rack him. Enough? (they put William on the cross, and begin disembowelment) (William in serious pain) Executioner: It can all end, right now. Peace. Bliss. Just say it. Cry out mercy. (crowd repeats "mercy") Executioner: Cry out. Just say it. Mercy. Hamish: Mercy lad, mercy. Stephen: Jesus, mercy. Executioner: The prisoner wishes to say a word. William: FREEEEE-DOMMMMMM! (William is beheaded) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert (narrator): After the beheading, William Wallace's body was torn to pieces. His head was placed on top on London Bridge, his arms and legs sent to the four corners of Britain as a warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned. And I, Robert the Bruce, rode out to pay homage to the armies of the English king and accept his endorsement of my crown. English noble: I hope you've washed your ass this morning. It's about to be kissed by a king. Craig: Come. Lets get it over with. Robert: Stop. You have bled with Wallace, now bleed with me. Craig: Ah! Hamish: Yea! (Throws sword; sword lands) Crowd: WALLACE, WALLACE, WALLACE, WALLACE. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Scots charge) William (narrating): In the year of our Lord 1314, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, charged the fields at Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen. And won their freedom.
You know a good way to make Google change back to the old comment section? If all these youtubers disable comments altogether. If enough of them do it enmasse maybe it would give Google a wake up call.
![Saints Row 4 [Part 29] - Crendor Crashes the Internet](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/tIimaUzvKcQ/mqdefault.jpg)
![Saints Row 4 [Part 29] - Crendor Crashes the Internet](/img/tr.png)
![Saints Row 4 [Part 27] - The Best 20 Minutes of your Life](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/2wByOrDJi6g/mqdefault.jpg)
LOL! All the Hitler clones are hiding out in Nobody Loves Me. It's as if they know that everyone hates Hitler.
Gets a new super power, goes on about how awesome it is, but never uses it again afterward. The Jesse experience.
First thing Jesse does with everyone else they've rescued: Romance them.
Rescues Johnny Gat, doesn't even talk to him.
New phrase now, "Like Crendor in a store full of Hitlers."
Don't you just LOOOOOOOOOOOVE how Jesse and [CREN]Crendor never pick up any of the clusters and now they are doing it 28 Episodes Later? That's enough time to start a zombie apocalypse!
"I'm going to drop on you like my balls." - Jesse Cox, 2013
Well... this would be an amazing video to comment on... but wait... google had to fuck with youtube... AGAIN :P
"Gothedral"
Never realized it was called that o.O 16:10 (though it is fitting)
Magic Mike ain't got nothin' on Jesse Cox on stage!
He is also giving Weebl a run for his money.
I always forget to comment on this ish, but this is pretty much my favorite series on the series of UA-cams, especially if you count your Saints Row III series. You guys rock!
Gets another super power he loves, continues to use only his guns.
I was almost ready to get my hopes up about Jesse and Cendor getting clusters.... NOOOOOOPE. Please Jesse just have an off screen,"and now we upgraded a shit ton of stuff AND NOW WE'RE BACK!"
"going in the back huh? just how i like it" put that on the tomb stone:)
Learns a new power.
Uses it once.
Oh Jesse.
I loved Crendor's impersonations of Bill Cosby and Morgan Freeman.
22:56 - 23:27 IM DYING OF LAUGHTER I CANT BREATHE
I noticed that when Jesse tried to kill that mascot dude at like 15:35 or so he flip-kicked the vehicle behind him backwards XD
Not sure if you guys already knew this, but at the top of the New Colvin alien tower, there is a broomstick called the Salem. It's the kind of vehicle I'd expect you guys to like.
That... was one of the most disturbing episodes I've watched so far... What has been seen, cannot be unseen.
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.
We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.
We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.
Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.
We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.
Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.
Emily Dickinson! Nice
I am not gonna lie, I was a little bit amazed when Crendor came up with such a solid rap on the fly like that!
HOW DO YOU DO THAT.... while there is an onscreen prompt telling him what to do
10:09 "My other hand's on my 'sword.'" Jesse Cox, 2013
Wait, time stamps for video comments don't work now. WTF!
why do you never actually use your buff super power hell you went through the trouble to get freeze
Lost it when Crendor started going off on the Hitlers... Lmao!
Just realised who Matt Millers voice reminds me of, the Prince of Persia from the sands of Time game, is it the same Guy?
Ah yes, then you think it cant get any worse, we at google have dismissed that clame.
google doesn't care about the petition, if you were serious you would leave the site
Raghu P are you enjoying it
Raghu P glad to see gat again
Raghu P finished the story, might start playing it again
Raghu P very true
Ok.
jesse, buy the nuke upgrade for death from above, then go to the top of a tower, and jump as high as you can. then, use it
i would definetly buy a jesse cox feat. crendor rap album
The funniest thing I saw of all times the "in the zone" scene. XD
oh oh here we go
its a brand new team at the rodeo
its jesse and crendor here to steal the show
playin SR:4 killin hitler clones!
the nuke upgrade for death from above is totally worth all the grinding
"come inject with me"- Jesse cox 2013
Jesse you should try out going on the highest building and use the Death from Above from there. It's amazing.
Robert Palmer made the dance all the more hilarious
''teach kids how to tie their shoes, then you're like yo''
- crendor
dude jesse when you hit level 50 you can cause a NUCLEAR blast with the death from above to cause the nuke you have to jump from a tall building
I love how the always forget about the super powers 5 mins after they got them.
If Jesse still reads these things...you can upgrade your Death From Above so that when you use it from a really high skyscraper you create a nuclear explosion.
JESSE RULES!!!1
I bring you the first chapter of The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien; An Unexpected Journey
In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats - the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hilll- The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it - and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another. No going upstairs for the hobbit: bedrooms, bathrooms, cellars, pantries (lots of these), wardrobes (he had whole rooms devoted to clothes), kitchens, dining-rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the same passage. The best rooms were all on the left-hand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows, deep-set round windows looking over his garden and meadows beyond, sloping down to the river.
This hobbit was a very well-to-do hobbit, and his name was Baggins. The Bagginses had lived in the neighbourhood of The Hill for time out of mind, and people considered them very respectable, not only because most of them were rich, but also because they never had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a Baggins would say on any question without the bother of asking him. This is a story of how a Baggins had an adventure, found himself doing and saying things altogether unexpected. He may have lost the neighbours' respect, but he gained-well, you will see whether he gained anything in the end.
The mother of our particular hobbit ... what is a hobbit? I suppose hobbits need some description nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of the Big People, as they call us. They are (or were) a little people, about half our height, and smaller than the bearded Dwarves. Hobbits have no beards.
There is little or no magic about them, except the ordinary everyday sort which helps them to disappear quietly and quickly when large stupid folk like you and me come blundering along, making a noise like elephants which they can hear a mile off. They are inclined to be at in the stomach; they dress in bright colours (chiefly green and yellow); wear no shoes, because their feet grow natural leathery soles and thick warm brown hair like the stuff on their heads (which is curly); have long clever brown fingers, good-natured faces, and laugh deep fruity laughs (especially after dinner, which they have twice a day when they can get it). Now you know enough to go on with. As I was saying, the mother of this hobbit - of Bilbo Baggins, that is - was the fabulous Belladonna Took, one of the three remarkable daughters of the Old Took, head of the hobbits who lived across The Water, the small river that ran at the foot of The Hill. It was often said (in other families) that long ago one of the Took ancestors must have taken a fairy wife. That was, of course, absurd, but certainly there was still something not entirely hobbit-like about them, -
and once in a while members of the Took-clan would go and have adventures.
They discreetly disappeared, and the family hushed it up; but the fact remained that the Tooks were not as respectable as the Bagginses, though they were undoubtedly richer. Not that Belladonna Took ever had any adventures after she became Mrs. Bungo Baggins. Bungo, that was Bilbo's father, built the most luxurious hobbit-hole for her (and partly with her money) that was to be found either under The Hill or over The Hill or across The Water, and there they remained to the end of their days. Still it is probable that Bilbo, her only son, although he looked and behaved exactly like a second edition of his solid and comfortable father, got something a bit queer in his makeup from the Took side, something that only waited for a chance to come out. The chance never arrived, until Bilbo Baggins was grown up, being about fifty years old or so, and living in the beautiful hobbit-hole built by his father, which I have just described for you, until he had in fact apparently settled down immovably.
By some curious chance one morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, and the hobbits were still numerous and prosperous, and Bilbo Baggins was standing at his door after breakfast smoking an enormous long wooden pipe that reached nearly down to his woolly toes (neatly brushed) - Gandalf came by. Gandalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear, you would be prepared for any sort I of remarkable tale.
Tales and adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion. He had not been down that way under The Hill for ages and ages, not since his friend the Old Took died, in fact, and the hobbits had almost forgotten what he looked like. He had been away over The Hill and across The Water on business of his own since they were all small hobbit-boys and hobbit-girls.
All that the unsuspecting Bilbo saw that morning was an old man with a staff. He had a tall pointed blue hat, a long grey cloak, a silver scarf over which a white beard hung down below his waist, and immense black boots.
"Good morning!" said Bilbo, and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green. But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat. "What do you mean?" be said. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is morning to be good on?"
"All of them at once," said Bilbo. "And a very fine morning for a pipe of tobacco out of doors, into the bargain. If you have a pipe about you, sit down and have a fill of mine! There's no hurry, we have all the day before us!"
Then Bilbo sat down on a seat by his door, crossed his legs, and blew out a beautiful grey ring of smoke that sailed up into the air without breaking and floated away over The Hill.
"Very pretty!" said Gandalf. "But I have no time to blow smoke-rings this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone."
«I should think so - in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can't think what anybody sees in them,» said our Mr. Baggins, and stuck one thumb behind his braces, and blew out another even bigger smoke-ring. Then he took out his morning letters, and begin to read, pretending to take no more notice of the old man. He had decided that he was not quite his sort, and wanted him to go away. But the old man did not move. He stood leaning on his stick and gazing at the hobbit without saying anything, till Bilbo got quite uncomfortable and even a little cross.
"Good morning!" he said at last. "We don't want any adventures here, thank you! You might try over The Hill or across The Water." By this he meant that the conversation was at an end.
"What a lot of things you do use Good morning for!" said Gandalf. "Now you mean that you want to get rid of me, and that it won't be good till I move off."
"Not at all, not at all, my dear sir! Let me see, I don't think I know your name?"
"Yes, yes, my dear sir - and I do know your name, Mr. Bilbo Baggins. And you do know my name, though you don't remember that I belong to it. I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me! To think that I should have lived to be good-morninged by Belladonna Took's son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!"
"Gandalf, Gandalf! Good gracious me! Not the wandering wizard that gave Old Took a pair of magic diamond studs that fastened themselves and never came undone till ordered? Not the fellow who used to tell such wonderful tales at parties, about dragons and goblins and giants and the rescue of princesses and the unexpected luck of widows' sons? Not the man that used to make such particularly excellent fireworks! I remember those! Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Splendid! They used to go up like great lilies and snapdragons and laburnums of fire and hang in the twilight all evening!" You will notice already that Mr. Baggins was not quite so prosy as he liked to believe, also that he was very fond of flowers. "Dear me!" she went on. "Not the Gandalf who was responsible for so many quiet lads and lasses going off into the Blue for mad adventures. Anything from climbing trees to visiting Elves - or sailing in ships, sailing to other shores! Bless me, life used to be quite inter - I mean, you used to upset things badly in these parts once upon a time. I beg your pardon, but I had no idea you were still in business."
"Where else should I be?" said the wizard. "All the same I am pleased to find you remember something about me. You seem to remember my fireworks kindly, at any rate, land that is not without hope. Indeed for your old grandfather Took's sake, and for the sake of poor Belladonna, I will give you what you asked for."
"I beg your pardon, I haven't asked for anything!"
"Yes, you have! Twice now. My pardon. I give it you. In fact I will go so far as to send you on this adventure. Very amusing for me, very good for you and profitable too, very likely, if you ever get over it."
"Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning!
But please come to tea - any time you like! Why not tomorrow? Come tomorrow!
Good-bye!"
With that the hobbit turned and scuttled inside his round green door, and shut it as quickly as he dared, not to seen rude. Wizards after all are wizards.
"What on earth did I ask him to tea for!" he said to him-self, as he went to the pantry. He had only just had break fast, but he thought a cake or two and a drink of something would do him good after his fright. Gandalf in the meantime was still standing outside the door, and laughing long but quietly.
After a while he stepped up, and with the spike of his staff scratched a queer sign on the hobbit's beautiful green front-door. Then he strode away, just about the time when Bilbo was finishing his second cake and beginning to think that he had escape adventures very well.
The next day he had almost forgotten about Gandalf. He did not remember things very well, unless he put them down on his Engagement Tablet: like this: Gandalf '¥a Wednesday. Yesterday he had been too flustered to do anything of the kind. Just before tea-time there came a tremendous ring on the front-door bell, and then he remembered! He rushed and put on the kettle, and put out another cup and saucer and an extra cake or two, and ran to the door.
"I am so sorry to keep you waiting!" he was going to say, when he saw that it was not Gandalf at all. It was a dwarf with a blue beard tucked into a golden belt, and very bright eyes under his dark-green hood. As soon a the door was opened, he pushed inside, just as if he had been expected.
He hung his hooded cloak on the nearest peg, and "Dwalin at your service!" he said with a low bow.
"Bilbo Baggins at yours!" said the hobbit, too surprised to ask any questions for the moment. When the silence that followed had become uncomfortable, he added: "I am just about to take tea; pray come and have some with me." A little stiff perhaps, but he meant it kindly. And what would you do, if an uninvited dwarf came and hung his things up in your hall without a word of explanation?
They had not been at table long, in fact they had hardly reached the third cake, when there came another even louder ring at the bell.
"Excuse me!" said the hobbit, and off he went to the door.
"So you have got here at last!" was what he was going to say to Gandalf this time. But it was not Gandalf. Instead there was a very old-looking dwarf on the step with a white beard and a scarlet hood; and he too hopped inside as soon as the door was open, just as if he had been invited.
"I see they have begun to arrive already," he said when he caught sight of Dwalin's green hood hanging up. He hung his red one next to it, and "Balin at your service!" he said with his hand on his breast.
"Thank you!" said Bilbo with a gasp. It was not the correct thing to say, but they have begun to arrive had flustered him badly. He liked visitors, but he liked to know them before they arrived, and he preferred to ask them himself. He had a horrible thought that the cakes might run short, and then he-as the host: he knew his duty and stuck to it however painful-he might have to go without.
"Come along in, and have some tea!" he managed to say after taking a deep breath.
"A little beer would suit me better, if it is all the same to you, my good sir," said Balin with the white beard. "But I don't mind some cake-seed-cake, if you have any."
"Lots!" Bilbo found himself answering, to his own surprise; and he found himself scuttling off, too, to the cellar to fill a pint beer-mug, and to the pantry to fetch two beautiful round seed-cakes which he had baked that afternoon for his after-supper morsel.
When he got back Balin and Dwalin were talking at the table like old friends (as a matter of fact they were brothers). Bilbo plumped down the beer and the cake in front of them, when loud came a ring at the bell again, and then another ring.
"Gandalf for certain this time," he thought as he puffed along the passage. But it was not. It was two more dwarves, both with blue hoods, silver belts, and yellow beards; and each of them carried a bag of tools and a spade.
In they hopped, as soon as the door began to open-Bilbo was hardly surprised at all.
"What can I do for you, my dwarves?" he said. "Kili at your service!"
said the one. "And Fili!" added the other; and they both swept off their blue hoods and bowed.
"At yours and your family's!" replied Bilbo, remembering his manners this time.
"Dwalin and Balin here already, I see," said Kili. "Let us join the throng!"
"Throng!" thought Mr. Baggins. "I don't like the sound of that. I really must sit down for a minute and collect my wits, and have a drink." He had only just had a sip-in the corner, while the four dwarves sat around the table, and talked about mines and gold and troubles with the goblins, and the depredations of dragons, and lots of other things which he did not understand, and did not want to, for they sounded much too adventurous-when, ding-dong-aling-' dang, his bell rang again, as if some naughty little hobbit-boy was trying to pull the handle off. "Someone at the door!" he said, blinking. "Some four, I should say by the sound," said Fili. "Be-sides, we saw them coming along behind us in the distance."
The poor little hobbit sat down in the hall and put his head in his hands, and wondered what had happened, and what was going to happen, and whether they would all stay to supper. Then the bell rang again louder than ever, and he had to run to the door. It was not four after all, it was FIVE.
Another dwarf had come along while he was wondering in the hall. He had hardly turned the knob, be-x)re they were all inside, bowing and saying "at your service" one after another. Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, and Gloin were their names; and very soon two purple hoods, a grey hood, a brown hood, and a white hood were hanging on the pegs, and off they marched with their broad hands stuck in their gold and silver belts to join the others. Already it had almost become a throng. Some called for ale, and some for porter, and one for coffee, and all of them for cakes; so the hobbit was kept very busy for a while.
A big jug of coffee bad just been set in the hearth, the seed-cakes were gone, and the dwarves were starting on a round of buttered scones, when there came-a loud knock. Not a ring, but a hard rat-tat on the hobbit's beautiful green door. Somebody was banging with a stick!
Bilbo rushed along the passage, very angry, and altogether bewildered and bewuthered-this was the most awkward Wednesday he ever remembered. He pulled open the door with a jerk, and they all fell in, one on top of the other. More dwarves, four more! And there was Gandalf behind, leaning on his staff and laughing. He had made quite a dent on the beautiful door; he had also, by the way, knocked out the secret mark that he had put there the morning before.
"Carefully! Carefully!" he said. "It is not like you, Bilbo, to keep friends waiting on the mat, and then open the door like a pop-gun! Let me introduce Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, and especially Thorin!"
"At your service!" said Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur standing in a row. Then they hung up two yellow hoods and a pale green one; and also a sky-blue one with a long silver tassel. This last belonged to Thorin, an enormously important dwarf, in fact no other than the great Thorin Oakenshield himself, who was not at all pleased at falling flat on Bilbo's mat with Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur on top of him. For one thing Bombur was immensely fat and heavy.
Thorin indeed was very haughty, and said nothing about service; but poor Mr.
Baggins said he was sorry so many times, that at last he grunted "pray don't mention it," and stopped frowning.
"Now we are all here!" said Gandalf, looking at the row of thirteen hoods-the best detachable party hoods-and his own hat hanging on the pegs.
"Quite a merry gathering!
I hope there is something left for the late-comers to eat and drink!
What's that? Tea! No thank you! A little red wine, I think, for me." "And for me," said Thorin. "And raspberry jam and apple-tart," said Bifur. "And mince-pies and cheese," said Bofur. "And pork-pie and salad," said Bombur. "And more cakes-and ale-and coffee, if you don't mind," called the other dwarves through the door.
"Put on a few eggs, there's a good fellow!" Gandalf called after him, as the hobbit stumped off to the pantries. "And just bring out the cold chicken and pickles!"
"Seems to know as much about the inside of my larders as I do myself!"
thought Mr. Baggins, who was feeling positively flummoxed, and was beginning to wonder whether a most wretched adventure had not come right into his house.
By the time he had got all the bottles and dishes and knives and forks and glasses and plates and spoons and things piled up on big trays, he was getting very hot, and red in the face, and annoyed.
"Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!" he said aloud. "Why don't they come and lend a hand?" Lo and behold! there stood Balin and Dwalin at the door of the kitchen, and Fili and Kili behind them, and before he could say knife they had whisked the trays and a couple of small tables into the parlour and set out everything afresh.
Gandalf sat at the head of the party with the thirteen, dwarves all round: and Bilbo sat on a stool at the fireside, nibbling at a biscuit (his appetite was quite taken away), and trying to look as if this was all perfectly ordinary and. not in the least an adventure. The dwarves ate and ate, and talked and talked, and time got on. At last they pushed their chairs back, and Bilbo made a move to collect the plates and glasses.
"I suppose you will all stay to supper?" he said in his politest unpressing tones. "Of course!" said Thorin. "And after. We shan't get through the business till late, and we must have some music first. Now to clear up!"
Thereupon the twelve dwarves-not Thorin, he was too important, and stayed talking to Gandalf-jumped to their feet and made tall piles of all the things.
Off they went, not waiting for trays, balancing columns of plates, each with a bottle on the top, with one hand, while the hobbit ran after them almost squeaking with fright: "please be careful!" and "please, don't trouble! I can manage." But the dwarves only started to sing:
"Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates-
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
Cut the cloth and tread on the fat!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
Splash the wine on every door!
Dump the crocks in a boiling bawl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
And when you've finished, if any are whole,
Send them down the hall to rolll!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
So, carefully! carefully with the plates!"
And of course they did none of these dreadful things, and everything was cleaned and put away safe as quick as lightning, while the hobbit was turning round and round in the middle of the kitchen trying to see what they were doing. Then they went back, and found Thorin with his feet on the fender smoking a pipe. He was blowing the most enormous smoke-rings, and wherever he told one to go, it went-up the chimney, or behind the clock on the mantelpiece, or under the table, or round and round the ceiling; but wherever it went it was not quick enough to escape Gandalf. Pop! he sent a smaller smoke-ring from his short clay-pipe straight through each one of Thorin's. The Gandalf's smoke-ring would go green and come back to hover over the wizard's head. He had quite a cloud of them about him already, and in the dim light it made him look strange and sorcerous. Bilbo stood still and watched-he loved smoke-rings-and then be blushed to think how proud he had been yesterday morning of the smoke-rings he had sent up the wind over The Hill.
"Now for some music!" said Thorin. "Bring out the instruments!"
Kili and Fili rushed for their bags and brought back little fiddles; Dori, Nori, and Ori brought out flutes from somewhere inside their coats; Bombur produced a drum from the hall; Bifur and Bofur went out too, and came back with clarinets that they had left among the walking-sticks Dwalin and Balin said: "Excuse me, I left mine in the porch!" "Just bring mine in with you," said Thorin. They came back with viols as big as themselves, and with Thorin's harp wrapped in a green cloth. It was a beautiful gold-en harp, and when Thorin struck it the music began all at once, so sudden and sweet that Bilbo forgot everything else, and was swept away into dark lands under strange moons, far over The Water and very far from his hobbit-hole under The Hill.
The dark came into the room from the little window that opened in the side of The Hill; the firelight flickered-it was April-and still they played on, while the shadow of Gandalf's beard wagged against the wall.
The dark filled all the room, and the fire died down, and the shadows were lost, and still they played on. And suddenly first one and then another began to sing as they played, deep-throated singing of the dwarves in the deep places of their ancient homes; and this is like a fragment of their song, if it can be like their song without their music.
"Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away ere break of day
To seek the pale enchanted gold.
The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,
While hammers fell like ringing bells
In places deep, where dark things sleep,
In hollow halls beneath the fells.
For ancient king and elvish lord
There many a gloaming golden hoard
They shaped and wrought, and light they caught
To hide in gems on hilt of sword.
On silver necklaces they strung
The flowering stars, on crowns they hung
The dragon-fire, in twisted wire
They meshed the light of moon and sun.
Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To claim our long-forgotten gold.
Goblets they carved there for themselves
And harps of gold; where no man delves
There lay they long, and many a song
Was sung unheard by men or elves.
The pines were roaring on the height,
The winds were moaning in the night.
The fire was red, it flaming spread;
The trees like torches biased with light,
The bells were ringing in the dale
And men looked up with faces pale;
The dragon's ire more fierce than fire
Laid low their towers and houses frail.
The mountain smoked beneath the moon;
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom.
They fled their hall to dying -fall
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.
Far over the misty mountains grim
To dungeons deep and caverns dim
We must away, ere break of day,
To win our harps and gold from him!"
As they sang the hobbit felt the love of beautiful things made by hands and by cunning and by magic moving through him, a fierce and jealous love, the desire of the hearts of dwarves. Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves, and wear a sword instead of a walking-stick. He looked out of the window. The stars were out in a dark sky above the trees. He thought of the jewels of the dwarves shining in dark caverns.
Suddenly in the wood beyond The Water a flame leapt up--probably somebody lighting a wood-fire-and he thought of plundering dragons settling on his quiet Hill and kindling it all to flames. He shuddered; and very quickly he was plain Mr. Baggins of Bag-End, Under-Hill, again.
He got up trembling. He had less than half a mind to fetch the lamp, and more than half a mind to pretend to, and go and hide behind the beer barrels in the cellar, and not come out again until all the dwarves had gone away.
Suddenly he found that the music and the singing had stopped, and they were all looking at him with eyes shining in the dark.
"Where are you going?" said Thorin, in a tone that seemed to show that he guessed both halves of the hobbit's mind.
"What about a little light?" said Bilbo apologetically.
"We like the dark," said the dwarves. "Dark for dark business! There are many hours before dawn."
"Of course!" said Bilbo, and sat down in a hurry. He missed the stool and sat in the fender, knocking over the poker and shovel with a crash.
"Hush!" said Gandalf. "Let Thorin speak!" And this is bow Thorin began.
"Gandalf, dwarves and Mr. Baggins! We are not together in the house of our friend and fellow conspirator, this most excellent and audacious hobbit-may the hair on his toes never fall out! all praise to his wine and ale!-" He paused for breath and for a polite remark from the hob-bit, but the compliments were quite lost on-poor Bilbo Baggins, who was wagging his mouth in protest at being called audacious and worst of all fellow conspirator, though no noise came out, he was so flummoxed. So Thorin went on:
"We are met to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices. We shall soon before the break of day start on our long journey, a journey from which some of us, or perhaps all of us (except our friend and counsellor, the ingenious wizard Gandalf) may never return. It is a solemn moment. Our object is, I take it, well known to us all. To the estimable Mr. Baggins, and perhaps to one or two of the younger dwarves (I think I should be right in naming Kili and Fili, for instance), the exact situation at the moment may require a little brief explanation-"
This was Thorin's style. He was an important dwarf. If he had been allowed, he would probably have gone on like this until he was out of breath, without telling any one there 'anything that was not known already. But he was rudely interrupted. Poor Bilbo couldn't bear it any longer. At may never return he began to feel a shriek coming up inside, and very soon it burst out like the whistle of an engine coming out of a tunnel. All the dwarves sprang Bp knocking over the table. Gandalf struck a blue light on the end of his magic staff, and in its firework glare the poor little hobbit could be seen kneeling on the hearth-rug, shaking like a jelly that was melting. Then he fell flat on the floor, and kept on calling out "struck by lightning, struck by lightning!" over and over again; and that was all they could get out of him for a long time. So they took him and laid him out of the way on the drawing-room sofa with a drink at his elbow, and they went back to their dark business.
"Excitable little fellow," said Gandalf, as they sat down again. "Gets funny queer fits, but he is one of the best, one of the best-as fierce as a dragon in a pinch."
If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realise that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Gol-firnbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.
In the meanwhile, however, Bullroarer's gentler descendant was reviving in the drawing-room. After a while and a drink he crept nervously to the door of the parlour. This is what he heard, Gloin speaking: "Humph!" (or some snort more or less like that). "Will he do, do you think? It is all very well for Gandalf to talk about this hobbit being fierce, but one shriek like that in a moment of excitement would be enough to wake the dragon and all his relatives, and kill the lot of us. I think it sounded more like fright than excitement!
In fact, if it bad not been for the sign on the door, I should have been sure we had come to the wrong house. As soon as I clapped eyes on the little fellow bobbing and puffing on the mat, I had my doubts. He looks more like a grocer-than a burglar!"
Then Mr. Baggins turned the handle and went in. The Took side had won. He suddenly felt he would go without bed and breakfast to be thought fierce. As for little fellow bobbing on the mat it almost made him really fierce. Many a time afterwards the Baggins part regretted what he did now, and he said to himself: "Bilbo, you were a fool; you walked right in and put your foot in it."
"Pardon me," he said, "if I have overheard words that you were saying. I don't pretend to understand what you are talking about, or your reference to burglars, but I think I am right in believing" (this is what he called being on his dignity) "that you think I am no good. I will show you. I have no signs on my door-it was painted a week ago-, and I am quite sure you have come to the wrong house. As soon as I saw your funny faces on the door-step, I had my doubts. But treat it as the right one. Tell me what you want done, and I will try it, if I have to walk from here to the East of East and fight the wild Were-worms in the Last Desert. I bad a great-great-great-granduncle once, Bullroarer Took, and -"
"Yes, yes, but that was long ago," said Gloin. "I was talking about you.
And I assure you there is a mark on this door-the usual one in the trade, or used to be. Burglar wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward, that's how it is usually read. You ^an say Expert Treasure-hunter instead of Burglar if you like. Some of them do. It's all the same to us.
Gandalf told us that there was a man of the sort in these parts looking for a Job at once, and that he had arranged for a meeting here this Wednesday tea-time."
"Of course there is a mark," said Gandalf. "I put it there myself. For very good reasons. You asked me to find the fourteenth man for your expedition, and I chose Mr. Baggins. Just let any one say I chose the wrong man or the wrong house, and you can stop at thirteen and have all the bad luck you like, or go back to digging coal."
He scowled so angrily at Gloin that the dwarf huddled back in his chair; and when Bilbo tried to open his mouth to ask a question, he turned and frowned at him and stuck oat his bushy eyebrows, till Bilbo shut his mouth tight with a snap. "That's right," said Gandalf. "Let's have no more argument.
I have chosen Mr. Baggins and that ought to !6te enough for all of you. If I say he is a Burglar, a Burglar he is, or will be when the time comes. There is a lot more in him than you guess, and a deal more than he has any idea of himself. You may (possibly) all live to thank me yet. Now Bilbo, my boy, fetch the lamp, and let's have little light on this!"
On the table in the light of a big lamp with a red shad he spread a piece of parchment rather like a map.
"This was made by Thror, your grandfather, Thorin, he said in answer to the dwarves' excited questions. "It is a plan of the Mountain."
"I don't see that this will help us much," said Thorin disappointedly after a glance. "I remember the Mountain well enough and the lands about it.
And I know where Mirkwood is, and the Withered Heath where the great dragons bred."
"There is a dragon marked in red on the Mountain, said Balin, "but it will be easy enough to find him without that, if ever we arrive there."
"There is one point that you haven't noticed," said the wizard, "and that is the secret entrance. You see that rune on the West side, and the hand pointing to it from the other runes? That marks a hidden passage to the Lower Halls.
"It may have been secret once," said Thorin, "but how do we know that it is secret any longer? Old Smaug had lived there long enough now to find out anything there is to know about those caves."
"He may-but he can't have used it for years and years. "Why?"
"Because it is too small. 'Five feet high the door and three may walk abreast' say the runes, but Smaug could not creep into a hole that size, not even when he was a young dragon, certainly not after devouring so many of the dwarves and men of Dale."
"It seems a great big hole to me," squeaked Bilbo (who had no experience of dragons and only of hobbit-holes) He was getting excited and interested again, so that he forgot to keep his mouth shut. He loved maps, and in his hall there hung a large one of the Country Round with all his favourite walks marked on it in red ink. "How could such a large door be kept secret from everybody outside, apart from the dragon?" he asked. He was only a little hobbit you must remember.
"In lots of ways," said Gandalf. "But in what way this one has been hidden we don't know without going to see. From what it says on the map I should guess there is a closed door which has been made to look exactly like the side of the Mountain. That is the usual dwarves' method- I think that is right, isn't it?" "Quite right," said Thorin.
"Also," went on Gandalf, "I forgot to mention that with the map went a key, a small and curious key. Here it is!" he said, and handed to Thorin a key with a long barrel and intricate wards, made of silver. "Keep it safe!"
"Indeed I will," said Thorin, and he fastened it upon a fine chain that hung about his neck and under his jacket. "Now things begin to look more hopeful. This news alters them much for-the better. So far we have had no clear idea what to do. We thought of going East, as quiet and careful as we could, as far as the Long Lake. After that the trouble would begin."
"A long time before that, if I know anything about the loads East,"
interrupted Gandalf.
"We might go from there up along the River Running," went on Thorin taking no notice, "and so to the ruins of Dale-the old town in the valley there, under the shadow of the Mountain. But we none of us liked the idea of the Front Gate. The river runs right out of it through the great cliff at the South of the Mountain, and out of it comes the dragon too-far too often, unless he has changed."
"That would be no good," said the wizard, "not without a mighty Warrior, even a Hero. I tried to find one; but warriors are busy fighting one another in distant lands, and in this neighbourhood heroes are scarce, or simply lot to be found. Swords in these parts are mostly blunt, and axes are used for trees, and shields as cradles or dish-covers; and dragons are comfortably far-off (and therefore legendary). That is why I settled on burglary-especially when I remembered the existence of a Side-door. And here is our little Bilbo Baggins, the burglar, the chosen and selected burglar. So now let's get on and make some plans."
"Very well then," said Thorin, "supposing the burglar-expert gives us some ideas or suggestions." He turned with mock-politeness to Bilbo.
"First I should like to know a bit more about things," said he, feeling all confused and a bit shaky inside, but so far still lookishly determined to go on with things. "I mean about the gold and the dragon, and all that, and how it got there, and who it belongs to, and so on and further."
"Bless me!" said Thorin, "haven't you got a map? and didn't you hear our song? and haven't we been talking about all this for hours?"
"All the same, I should like it all plain and clear," said he obstinately, putting on his business manner (usually reserved for people who tried to borrow money off him), and doing his best to appear wise and prudent and professional and live up to Gandalf's recommendation. "Also I should like to know about risks, out-of-pocket expenses, time required and remuneration, and so forth"-by which he meant: "What am I going to get out of it? and am I going to come back alive?"
"O very well," said Thorin. "Long ago in my grandfather Thror's time our family was driven out of the far North, and came back with all their wealth and their tools to this Mountain on the map. It had been discovered by my far ancestor, Thrain the Old, but now they mined and they tunnelled and they made huger halls and greater workshops -and in addition I believe they found a good deal of gold and a great many jewels too. Anyway they grew immensely rich and famous, and my grandfather was King under the Mountain again and treated with great reverence by the mortal men, who lived to the South, and were gradually spreading up the Running River as far as the valley overshadowed by the Mountain. They built the merry town of Dale there in those days. Kings used to send for our smiths, and reward even the least skilful most richly. Fathers would beg us to take their sons as apprentices, and pay us handsomely, especially in food-supplies, which we never bothered to grow or find for ourselves. Altogether those were good days for us, and the poorest of us had money to spend and to lend, and leisure to make beautiful things just for the.
fun of it, not to speak of the most marvellous and magical toys, the like of which is not to be found in the world now-a-days. So my grandfather's halls became full of armour and jewels and carvings and cups, and the toy-market of Dale was the wonder of the North.
"Undoubtedly that was what brought the dragon. Dragons steal gold and jewels, you know, from men and elves and dwarves, wherever they can find them; and they guard their plunder as long as they live (which is practically forever, unless they are killed), and never enjoy a brass ring of it. Indeed they hardly know a good bit of work from a bad, though they usually have a good notion of the current market value; and they can't make a thing for themselves, not even mend a little loose scale of their armour. There were lots of dragons in the North in those days, and gold was probably getting scarce up there, with the dwarves flying south or getting killed, and all the general waste and destruction that dragons make going from bad to worse. There was a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm called Smaug. One day he flew up into the air and came south. The first we heard of it was a noise like a hurricane coming from the North, and the pine-trees on the Mountain creaking and cracking in the wind. Some of the dwarves who happened to be outside (I was one luckily -a fine adventurous lad in those days, always wandering about, and it saved my life that day)-well, from a good way off we saw the dragon settle on our mountain in a spout of flame. Then he came down the slopes and when he reached the woods they all went up in fire. By that time all the bells were ringing in Dale and the warriors were arming. The dwarves rushed out of their great gate; but there was the dragon waiting for them. None escaped that way. The river rushed up in steam and a fog fell on Dale, and in the fog the dragon came on them and destroyed most of the warriors-the usual unhappy story, it was only too common in those days. Then he went back and crept in through the Front Gate and routed out all the halls, and lanes, and tunnels, alleys, cellars, mansions and passages. After that there were no dwarves left alive inside, and he took all their wealth for himself. Probably, for that is the dragons' way, he has piled it all up in a great heap far inside, and sleeps on it for a bed. Later he used to crawl out of the great gate and come by night to Dale, and carry away people, especially maidens, to eat, until Dale was ruined, and all the people dead or gone. What goes on there now I don't know for certain, but I don't suppose anyone lives nearer to the Mountain than the far edge of the Long Lake now-a-days.
"The few of us that were well outside sat and wept in hiding, and cursed Smaug; and there we were unexpectedly joined by my father and my grandfather with singed beards. They looked very grim but they said very little. When I asked how they had got away, they told me to hold my tongue, and said that one day in the proper time I should know. After that we went away, and we have had to earn our livings as best we could up and down the lands, often enough sinking as low as blacksmith-work or even coalmining. But we have never forgotten our stolen treasure. And even now, when I will allow we have a good bit laid by and are not so badly off"-here Thorin stroked the gold chain round his neck-"we still mean to get it back, and to bring our curses home to Smaug-if we can.
"I have often wondered about my father's and my grandfather's escape. I see now they must have had a private Side-door which only they knew about. But apparently they made a map, and I should like to know how Gandalf got hold of it, and why it did not come down to me, the rightful heir."
"I did not 'get hold of it,' I was given it," said the wizard.
"Your grandfather Thror was killed, you remember, in the mines of Moria by Azog the Goblin -"
"Curse his name, yes," said Thorin.
"And Thrain your father went away on the twenty-first of April, a hundred years ago last Thursday, and has never been seen by you since-"
"True, true," said Thorin.
"Well, your father gave me this to give to you; and if I have chosen my own time and way of handing it over, you can hardly blame me, considering the trouble I had to find you. Your father could not remember his own name when he gave me the paper, and he never told me yours; so on the whole I think I ought to be praised and thanked. Here it is," said he handing the map to Thorin.
"I don't understand," said Thorin, and Bilbo felt he would have liked to say the same. The explanation did not seem to explain.
"Your grandfather," said the wizard slowly and grimly, "gave the map to his son for safety before he went to the mines of Moria. Your father went away to try his luck with the map after your grandfather was killed; and lots of adventures of a most unpleasant sort he had, but he never got near the Mountain. How he got there I don't know, but I found him a prisoner in the dungeons of the Necromancer."
"Whatever were you doing there?" asked Thorin with a shudder, and all the dwarves shivered.
"Never you mind. I was finding things out, as usual; and a nasty dangerous business it was. Even I, Gandalf, only just escaped. I tried to save your father, but it was too late. He was witless and wandering, and had forgotten almost everything except the map and the key." "We have long ago paid the goblins of Moria," said Thorin; "we must give a thought to the Necromancer." "Don't be absurd! He is an enemy quite beyond the powers of all the dwarves put together, if they could all be collected again from the four corners of the world. The one thing your father wished was for his son to read the map and use the key. The dragon and the Mountain are more than big enough tasks for you!"
"Hear, hear!" said Bilbo, and accidentally said it aloud, "Hear what?"
they all said turning suddenly towards him, and he was so flustered that he answered "Hear what I have got to say!" "What's that?" they asked.
"Well, I should say that you ought to go East and have a look round.
After all there is the Side-door, and dragons must sleep sometimes, I suppose.
If you sit on the doorstep long enough, I daresay you will think of something.
And well, don't you know, I think we have talked long enough for one night, if you see what I mean. What about bed, and an early start, and all that? I will give you a good breakfast before you go."
"Before we go, I suppose you mean," said Thorin. "Aren't you the burglar?
And isn't sitting on the door-step your job, not to speak of getting inside the door? But I agree about bed and breakfast. I like eggs with my ham, when starting on a journey: fried not poached, and mind you don't break 'em."
After all the others had ordered their breakfasts without so much as a please (which annoyed Bilbo very much), they all got up. The hobbit had to find room for them all, and filled all his spare-rooms and made beds on chairs and sofas, before he got them all stowed and went to his own little bed very tired and not altogether happy. One thing he did make his mind up about was not to bother to get up very early and cook everybody else's wretched breakfast. The Tookishness was wearing off, and he was not now quite so sure that he was going on any journey in the morning. As he lay in bed he could hear Thorin still humming to himself in the best bedroom next to him:
"Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, ere break of day,
To find our long-forgotten gold."
Bilbo went to sleep with that in his ears, and it gave him very uncomfortable dreams. It was long after the break of day, when he woke up.
scrolled past it, stopped for dwarf song, continued scrolling
why, just why?
stevenisminecraft To show why the comment section needs to be fixed.
Kinda disappointed you didn't continue this on the next part.
Omg I'm crying XD the sexy dancing and the invisa-gun XD
UPGRADE YOUR POWERS ALSO YOU CAN GET A DEATH FROM ABOVE NUKE! ITS BEEN LIKE 20 EPISODES OF NO UPGRADES!!!!
when i have a boring day or a bad day i go to youtube look at a random jesse cox vid and think...there is meaning in this world =D. Why? because jesse cox has an epic feel good personality...u could say Jesse Cox's vids is similar to feel good eating once u watch one u just dont want to stop
Uh Jesse, the clusters appear on your mini-map along with all of the other collectibles now.
I'm the only one here who is only just now noticing Prof. Genki marching up the globe in the outro?
Perfect timing! This is just the thing after a reeeally long day in skewl ;D
I think you need to go back, after that comment....
"I also enjoy the sex trade" Jesse Cox 2013
Benjamin Motherfuckin' King don't need no gun.
I love how they never ever use the homie phone in either game
... These comment sections are starting to look more like a social media page.... I don't like it.
Also, like how Jesse loved the Buff powers but *never uses it*.
Google you have no reason for this. You aren't getting any ad revenue out of this. Good video Jesse, keep up the good work and all that but this is somehow worse than any change they've made so far. I thought it couldn't get any worse than it did before but they managed it
Eventually you'll be able to use a nuclear explosion when you hit the ground. Also do Gat's loyalty mission
"I also enjoy the sex trade part." - Jesse Cox, 2013
Such a waste... at 10:00 you coudlhave use death from above for awesomeness
What's with the static
Not that one
Omfg... this series honestly is the best thing ever xD
Learning more every day
That Death From Above power only wrecks the cars so people can't go to the insurance company and say it's totalled and get a new one. Now they have to repair their old car. MUHAHAHAHA
Was I just FORCED to create a Google+ page just to comment this or am I doing something wrong?
no
No, the only people who are doing wrong are Google.
Well upside, you can make a google+ page in your name(So can other people, time to make a page called Bluexephos and OMFGcata!) and if you click on my username I'm pretty sure it goes to my channel. So... Damage control -.-
RedFire So, to clarify, there's literally no way to comment anymore without a Google+ page or profile?
Who at Google thought that would be a good idea!? "Hey, I got an idea! Lets remove everyone's ability to comment on any videos until they sign up for Google+!"
FishyLawnGnome Shameless selfpromotion.
climb a building climb a building climb a damn building and use death from above
Does anyone know why there is always dark skies in the main simulation (i.e. not talking about the training or other people's, like Ben king's, simulations)?
Zinyak didn't put a day/night toggle/transition in the simulation.
Jesse, stop asking things like "Why did we get this/that?" it's Saints Row, that's why.
Jesse: sings "this is my crotch, my crotch is amazing." Me: really Jesse? Really?
WARLORDS OF DRAENOR FOR THE WIN!!!
This game is campy as hell! I love it.
"How do you do that?"
Has instructions that take 1/3 of the screen, doesn't see them.
I'm also hoping you guys have the forethought of actually calling up your Super Homies, otherwise what was the point of doing the Loyalty missions?
Jessie why do you bother doing super homie quests if you never ever use your homies
Brilliant Jesse, just brilliant
I wish jesse had made his character look more like tb, cause then this would be the greatest game ever, dancing stripper tb. make it happen, jesse
what is this
what does public do
i hate this commenting stuff so much already oh god
what happens if i reply to myself
Technogeist1987 JACK SHIT
Technogeist1987 JACK...SHIT
Lee Sin 'SO MUCH SHIT JACKING
What happens if I reply to you.
I'd like to see an episode of this with the first-person mod.
that was the most beautiful dance id ever seen.
Jesse, can't you use your newfound ability to aim your landings to easier get power-ups?
so.... death from above came from where? only place I know of is a certain cat from a certain web comic. thank you and have a nice day
i love that Men in Black gun
Jesse, you didn't check if there's a secret room in that store.
Why did Jesse stop upgrading his powers?
dear god. Most scary video of Saints Row 4 yet. Glad when i ran through this, I was playing a female character.
go to gateway to get vehicles such as planes, helis and cars
We're gonna need this
Look who just got back today
Them wild eyed boys that had been away
They haven't changed, that much to say
Yeah, even then I still think all them cats are great
They was askin' if you were around
How you was and where you could be found?
I told them you were livin' downtown
Drivin' all those old men crazy
The boys are back in town
Oh I said, "Boys are back in town"
The boys are back in town
There was this chick who used to dance a lot
Every night she'd be on the floor shakin' what she got
I tell you she was cool, she was red hot
I mean she was steamin' hot
Remember that time over Johnny's place
Well, this chick got up and she slapped Johnny's face
Yeah, we just fell about the place
If that chick don't want to know, forget her
The boys are back in town
Yeah I said, "Boys are back in town"
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
Spread the word around
Yes, she's back in town
Yes, spread the word around
Yes, she's back in town
Friday night they'll be dressed to kill
Down at Dino's bar and grill
The drinks will flow and blood will spill
And if the boys wanna fight, you'd better let 'em
That jukebox in the corner blastin' out my favorite song
The nights are gettin' warmer, it won't be long
It won't be long till summer comes
Now that the boys are here again
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
The boys are back, the boys are back
The boys are back in town
Spread the word around, spread the word around
Oh, oh, oh, the boys are back in town again
Yeah, they hangin' down at Dino's
The boys are back in town again
The boys are back in town again
The boys are back in town again
Crendor sounds like high on entire trees xD
Think you're going to use those clusters ever?
At 6:50 you could say that jesse
*puts sunglasses on*
Laid down the law.
Why is Crendor running the Inauguration Station while playing? O.O
How the hell did that Zin get a hover bike into the store?
Best title ever
HOLD R TO COOL THIS WEAPON. "doesn't hold R"...
This game has so many hilarious bugs! I love it!
Dis layout. Such great.
BRAVEHEART Robert the Bruce (narrator): I shall tell you of William Wallace. Historians from England will say I am a liar, but history is written by those who have hanged heroes. The king of Scotland had died without a son, and the King of England, a cruel pagan known as Edward the Longshanks, claimed the thrown of Scotland for himself. Scotland's nobles fought him, and fought each other over the crown. So Longshanks invited them to talks of truce, no weapons, one page only. Among the farmers of that shire was Malcolm Wallace, a commoner with his own lands. He had two sons: John and William. Malcolm: I told you to stay. William: Well, I finished my work. Where are we going? Malcolm: MacAndrews. He was supposed to fess up when the gathering was over. William: Can I come? Malcolm: No. Go home, boy. William: But I want to go. Malcolm: Go home William or you'll the back of my hand. John: Follow him, William. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Malcolm: MacAndrews; MacAndrews. Great Jesus! William: Ah! (screams) Malcolm: It's all right! William! John: William! Malcolm: It's all right. Easy lad. Dead Page Boy: William! (in Wallace's house) Campbell: We fight them! MacClannough: Every nobleman who had the will to fight was at that meeting. We can not beat an army. Malcolm: We do not have to defeat them. Just fight them. Now who's with me. Campbell (among others): I am, Wallace. MacClannough: Alright, alright. Malcolm: Ay. Malcolm: Where do you think you're going? William: I'm going with you. Malcolm: Oh, you're going with, hey? And what are you going to do? William: I'm gonna help. Malcolm: Hey, and a good help you'd be, too. But I need you to stay here and look after the place for me while I'm away. William: I can fight! Malcolm: I know. I know you can fight. But it's out wits that make us men. See you tomorrow. John: Ha! Hamish: English! William: Get down! Hamish: With your father and brother gone, they'll kill us and burn the farm. William: It's up to us, Hamish. Both boys: Ahhhh! (Throw rocks) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Da? Da? Campbell: William, come here lad. (Funeral) Priest: (speaks Latin) Argyle: William, I am your uncle, Argyle. You have the look of your mother. Argyle: We'll stay here tonight. Tomorrow you'll come home with me. William: I don't want to leave. Argyle: You didn't want your father to die either, did ya? But it happened. Did the priest give a poetic benediction? "The Lord bless thee and keep thee"? William: It was in Latin. Argyle: You don't speak Latin? Well that's something we shall have to remedy, isn't it. Argyle: The Lord bless thee and keep thee. The Lord cause his light to shine on thee. The Lord lift up his continence upon thee. And give thee peace. Amen. Dead Malcolm: Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow her. (Campbell plays bagpipes) William: What are they doing? Argyle: Saying goodbye in their own way. Playing outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes. It was the same for me and your daddy, when our father was killed. (William looks at sword) Argyle: First, learn to use this (mind), then I'll teach you to use this (sword). --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert the Bruce (narrator): Many years later, Edward the Longshanks, King of England, supervised the wedding of his eldest son, who would succeed him to the thrown. As bride for his son, Longshanks had chosen the daughter of his rival, the King of France. It was widely whispered that for the princess to conceive, Longshanks would have to do the honors himself. That may have been what he had in mind all along. Longshanks: Scotland, my land. The French will grovel to anyone with strength, but how will they believe our strength when we can not rule the whole of our own island? Longshanks: Where is my son? Isabella: Your pardon, my Lord. He asked me to come in his stead. Longshanks: I sent for him and he sends you? Isabella: Shall I leave, my Lord? Longshanks: If he wants his Queen to rule when I am gone, then by all means stay, and learn how. Please. Longshanks: Nobles. Nobles are the key to the door of Scotland. Grant our nobles lands in the north. Give their nobles estates here in England, and make them too greedy to oppose us. Advisor: But sire, our nobles will be reluctant to uproot. New lands mean new taxes, and they are already taxed for the war in France. Longshanks: Are they? Are they? The trouble with Scotland is that it's full of Scots. Perhaps the time has come to reinstitute an old custom. Grant them prima noctes. First night, when any common girl inhabiting their lands is married, our nobles shall have sexual rights to her on the night of her wedding. If we can't get them out, we breed them out. That should fetch just the kind of lords we want to Scotland, taxes or no taxes. Advisor: A most excellent idea, sire. Longshanks: Is it? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert the Bruce (narrator): Now in Edinburgh, gathered the council of Scottish nobles. Among these was Robert, the 17th Earl of Bruce, the leading contender for the crown of Scotland. Robert the Bruce: I hear that Longshanks has granted prima noctes. Craig: Clearly meant to draw more of his supporters here. Robert the Bruce: My father believes that we must lull Longshanks into confidence by neither supporting his decree nor opposing it. Craig: A wise plan. And how is your father? We missed him at the council. Robert the Bruce: Ah. His affairs in France keep him long overdue, but he sends his greetings. And he says that I speak for all the Bruces, and for Scotland. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: (rides home and smells air) (wedding celebration; music playing) William: You dropped your rock. Hamish: Test of manhood. William: You win. Hamish: Call it a test of soldiery, then. The English won't let us train with weapons, so we train with stones. William: Well, a test of a soldier is not in his arm, it's here (mind). Hamish: No, it's here (arm) (Hamish hits William) William: Hamish? Hamish: Uh huh. (drumming, rock throwing contest) Campbell: Here you go, son. Show him how. Come on! Haha, my boy! William: That's a good throw. Hamish: Ay. Ay, it was. William: I was wondering if you could do that when it matters. As it, as is matters in battle. Can you crush a man with that throw? Hamish: I could crush you, like a worm. William: You could? Hamish: Ay. William: Well then do it. Would you like to see him crush me like a worm? Crowd: Ay! William: Then do it. Hamish: You'll move. William: I will not. Campbell: He'll move. (Hamish misses, William hits Hamish) Campbell: Fine display, young Wallace. William: You alright? You look a widdy bit shaky. Hamish: I should have remembered the rocks. William: Ay, you should have. Get up you big heap. It's good to see you again. Hamish: Ay, welcome home. Girl: William, will you dance with me? William: Of coarse I will. (Horses ride in) English lord: I have come to claim the right of prima noctes. As lord of these lands, I will bless this marriage by taking the bride into my bed on the first night of her union. Scottish man: By God, you will not! Lord: It is my noble right. (They ride off with bride). Smythe: Ha ha. Ha ha. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (raining, outside of Murron's house) William: Good evening, sir. MacClannough: Ah, young Wallace. Grand soft evening, huh? William: Ay, is that. I was wondering if I might have a word with your daughter. MacClannough: What do you want to have a word with her about? William: Well, ah, Murron, would you like to come and ride with me on this fine evening? Mrs. MacClannough: In this? You're out of your mind. William: Oh, it's good Scottish weather, madam. The rain is fallin' straight down, well slightly to the side like. Mrs. MacClannough: She can not go with you. William: No? Mrs. MacClannough: No the no, anyway. William: No the no. MacClannough: No the no. We'll see you later. Murron: 'O the weather's just fine. It's hardly raining. Mrs. MacClannough: Did you no hear what I said? Now get--Murron. It's you she takes after. William: How did you know me after so long? Murron: Why, I didn't. William: No? Murron: It's just that I saw you staring at me and I didn't know who you were. William: 'O sorry, I suppose I was. Are you in the habit of riding off in the rain with strangers? Murron: It was the best way to make you leave. William: Well, if I can ever work up the courage to ask you again, I'll send you a written warning first. Murron: 'O it wouldn't do you much good. I can't read. William: Can you not? Murron: no. William: Well that's something we shall have to remedy, isn't it. Murron: You're going to teach me to read, then? William: Ah, if you like. Murron: Ay. William: In what language? Murron: Are you showing off now? William: That's right. Are you impressed yet? Murron: No. Why should I be? William: (in French) Yes. Because every single day I thought about you. Murron: Do that standing on your head and I'll be impressed. William: My kilt may fly up but I'll try. Murron: You certainly didn't learn any manners on your travels. William: I'm afraid the Romans have far worse manners than I. Murron: You've been to Rome? William: Ay, my uncle took me on a pilgrimage. Murron: What was it like? William: (in French) Not nearly as beautiful as you. Murron: What does that mean? William: Beautiful. But I belong here. Mrs. MacClannough: Murron, come in now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Sir, I know it was strange of me to invite Murron to ride last night, but I assure you I-- Campbell: MacClannough's daughter is another matter. I've come to fetch you to a meeting. William: What kind of meeting? Campbell: The secret kind. MacClannough: Your meetings are a waste of time, Campbell. Campbell: Your father was a fighter, and a patriot. William: I know who my father was. I came back home to raise crops, and God willing a family. If I can live in peace, I will. MacClannough: You say you want to stay out of the troubles? William: Ay. MacClannough: If you can prove it, you may court my daughter. Until you prove it, my answer is no. William: No? MacClannough: No Wallace, no. William: Didn't I just prove it? MacClannough: No. William: No? MacClannough: No. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Of coarse, running a farm is a lot of work, but that will all change when my sons arrive. Murron: So, you've got children? William: Well not yet, but I was hoping that you could help me with that. Murron: So you want me to marry you, then? William: Well, that's a bit sudden but alright. Murron: Is that what you call a proposal? William: I love you. Always have. I want to marry you. Is that a yes? Murron: Ay, that's a yes. William: We best hurry. He'll be waiting. Murron: Wait. William: Where are you going? William: What's that? Murron: You'll see. William: Father. William: I will love you my whole life; you and no other. Murron: And I you; you and no other forever. Priest: (speaks Latin) William: When am I gonna see you again? Tonight? Murron: I can't. William: Why not? Murron: My dad's gotten suspicious. William: Not as suspicious as you (?). When? Murron: Tonight. William: Tonight? Murron: Ay. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Smythe: Look lively, sergeant. Smythe: Where are you going lassie? Oo, that looks heavy. Let me help you. Murron: That's fine. Smythe: 'O, you remind me of my daughter back home. Smythe: Hello lassie. Soldier: Keep going, Smythe. (lots of screaming) Smythe: Ah, you bitch. William: Are you alright? Murron: Ay. William: Can you ride? Murron: Ay. Smythe: Come back here, you bastard. William: Meet me at the grove. Ride. Smythe: They're getting away. William: Murron? Murron? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magistrate: All of you know full well the great pains I've always taken never to be to strict, to rigid, with the application of our laws. And as a consequence, have we not learned to live together in relative peace and harmony? Ha? And this day's lawlessness is how you repay my leniency. Well you leave me with little choice. An assault on the king's soldiers is the same as an assault on the king himself. (He kills Murron) Magistrate: Now, let this scrapper come to me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soldier: There. (points at William) (fighting starts) Magistrate: Corporal, summon archers on the tower, now. Hamish: Hold still, father. Campbell: Ahh, boy! (William kills Magistrate) Campbell: MacClannough, MacClannough! Crowd of Scotsmen: MacClannough, MacClannough, WALLACE, WALLACE! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Murron's Funeral) Priest: (speaks Latin) Mrs. MacClannough: (crying) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Campbell: What cha waiting for, boy? Hamish: Here. You can do it. I'll hold him down. Morrison: Here. You can do it. I'll hold him down. Campbell: Ay, straight in, boy. I know it seems like a waste of good whiskey, but indulge me. AHHH. Hamish: Hold him! Hold him! Scottish man: Let him go. Sorry. Campbell: That will wake you up in the morning, boy. Watch guard: There's somebody coming. Arm yourselves. Hamish: There's somebody coming. Campbell: MacGregors, from the next clan. MacGregor: We heard about what was happening, and we don't want you armidants thinking you can have your fun without us. William: Go home. Some of us are in this. We can't help that now. But you can help yourselves. Go home. MacGregor: We'll have no homes left when the English garrison from the castle comes through and burns us out. And they will. William and Campbell: Welcome! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (William's army enters, dressed as English patrol) English soldier: Patrol returning, my Lord. English Lord: So, what news? (William hits Lord) English Lord: I have dispatched 100 soldiers to Lanark. They will be returning now. William: Were they dressed like this? Actually, it was more like 50. Make it quick. Morrison: Do you remember me? Lord: I never did her any harm. It was my right. Morrison: Your right? Well I'm here to claim the right as a husband. William: I am William Wallace, and the rest of you will be spared. Go back to England, and tell them there that Scotland's daughters and her sons are yours no more. Tell them Scotland is free. Burn it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (in English castle) Longshanks: Scottish rebels have routed one of my garrisons and murdered the noble lord. Prince: I heard. This Wallace is a brigand, nothing more. Longshanks: And how would you deal with this brigand? Prince: Like any common thief. Have the local magistrate arrest him and punish him accordingly. Longshanks: Leave us. Wallace has already killed the magistrate and taken control of the town. Stand up. Stand up. In the morning, I depart for France to press our rights there, and I leave you here to quell this little rebellion, understood? Is it? One day you will be a king. At least try to act like one. Prince: Get away from me. I will need my military council. Nicolette: (in French) I hope your husband goes to Scotland and meets Wallace and then you'll be a widow. English soldier: After them. English leader: No point resisting. You're outnumbered and trapped. Now where are the rest of you? Where's Wallace? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: Father? Leper: Ah, come in, come in. Robert: A rebellion has begun. Leper: Under whom? Robert: A commoner named William Wallace. Leper: We will embrace this rebellion. Support it from our lands in the north. I will gain English favor by condemning it, and ordering it opposed from our lands in the south. Sit down. Stay a while. Robert: This Wallace, he doesn't even have a knighthood, but he fights with passion and he inspires. Leper: And you wish to charge off and fight as he did. So would I. Robert: Well, maybe it's time. Leper: It is time to survive. You're the 17th Robert Bruce. The 16 before you passed you land and title because they didn't charge in. Call a meeting of the nobles. Robert: But they do nothing but talk. Leper: Rightly so. They're as rich in English titles and lands as they are in Scottish, just as we are. Admire this man, this William Wallace. Uncompromising men are easy to admire. He has courage, so does a dog. But it is exactly the ability to compromise that makes a man noble. And understand this: Edward Longshanks is the most ruthless king ever to sit in the thrown of England. And none of us, and nothing of Scotland will remain, unless we are as ruthless. Give in to our nobles. Knowing their minds is the key to the thrown. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prince: Wait. Wait. Look. This is right and this is left. Carry on. Carry on. Nicolette: (in French) When the king returns, he will bury them in those new clothes. Scotland is in chaos. Your husband is secretly sending an army north. Isabella: (in French) How do you know this? Nicolette: (in French) Last night I slept with a member of the War Council. Isabella: (in French) He shouldn't be telling secrets in bed. Nicolette: (in French) Englishmen don't know what a tongue is for. Isabella: (in French) Ah. This Scottish rebel, Wallace. He fights to avenge a woman? Nicolette: (in French) I nearly forgot. A magistrate wished to capture him, and found he had a secret lover. So he cut the girl's throat to tempt Wallace to fight, and fight he did. Knowing his passion for his lost love, they next plotted to take him by desecrating the graves of his father and brother, and setting an ambush at the grave of his love. He fought his way through the trap and carried her body to a secret place. Now that's love, no? Isabella: Love? I wouldn't know. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: You know, eventually Longshanks will send his whole Northern Army against us. Campbell: Heavy cavalry, armored horse; shake the very ground. Hamish: They'll ride right over us. William: Uncle Argyle used to talk about it; how no army had ever stood up to a charge of heavy horse. Hamish: So what'll we do? Campbell: Run, hide, the highland way. William: We'll make spears. Hundreds of them. Long spears, twice as long as a man. Hamish: That long? William: Ay. Hamish: Some men are longer than others. Campbell: Your mother's been telling stories about me again, ah? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guard: Volunteers coming in. Faudron: William Wallace, we've come to fight and to die for ya. William: Stand up, man. I'm not the pope. Faudron: My name is Faudron, and my sword is yours. I brought you this. Guard: We checked them for arms. Faudron: I brought you this. My wife made it for ya. William: Thank you. Stephen: (laughs) Him? That can't be William Wallace. I'm prettier than this man. Alright Father, I'll ask him. If I risk my neck for you, will I get a chance to kill Englishmen? Hamish: Is your father a ghost or do you converse with the Almighty? Stephen: In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God. Yes, Father. The Almighty says don't change the subject; just answer the fooking question. Hamish: Mind your tongue. Campbell: Insane Irish. Stephen: (pulls dagger on Campbell) Smart enough to get a dagger past your guards, old man. William: That's my friend, Irishman. And the answer to your question is yes; if you fight for me you get to kill the English. Stephen: Excellent. Stephen is my name. I'm the most wanted man on my island, except I'm not on my island, of coarse. Mores the pity. Hamish: Your island? You mean Ireland. Stephen: Yeah. It's mine. Hamish: You're a madman. Stephen: I've come to the right place, then. (everyone laughs) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Faurdon trys to kill Wallace, but Stephen saves him) Stephen: Sure didn't the Almighty send me to watch your back? I didn't like him anyway. He wasn't right in the head. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hamish: William, it's our runners. Morrison: The English are devising an army towards Scotland. William: Will the nobles rally? Runner: Robert the Bruce and most of the others will not commit to battle. But word is spread, and highlanders are coming down on their own. Morrison: Ay, in flocks of hundreds and thousands. William: Are you ready for a war? Mornay: Well, what news? Horseman: We're outnumbered, at least 3 to 1. Mornay: How many horse, then? Horseman: 300, maybe more. Mornay: 300 heavy horse? Lochlan: We must try to negotiate. Short soldier: What are they talking about? Tall soldier: I can't hear, but it doesn't look good. The nobles will negotiate. If they do a deal, then we go home. And if not, we charge. Mornay: 300 heavy horse; we have no chance. Short soldier: I didn't come here to fight so they can own more lands; then I have to work for them. Tall soldier: Nor me. Alright lads. I have no time for these bastards; lets go home. Lochlan: Stop men. Do not leave. Wait until we've negotiated. Short soldier: William Wallace? Tall soldier: Can't be. Not tall enough. Stephen: The Almighty says this must be a fashionable fight. It's drawn the finest people. Lochlan: Where is thy salute? William: For presenting yourselves on this battlefield, I give you thanks. Lochlan: This is our army. To join it you give homage. William: I give homage to Scotland. And if this is your army, why does it go? Tall soldier: We didn't come here to fight for them. Short soldier: Home. The English are too many. William: Sons of Scotland, I am William Wallace. Short soldier: William Wallace is 7 feet tall. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds, and if he were here he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his ass. I am William Wallace, and I see before me an army of my countrymen here in defiance of tyranny. You have come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What would you do without freedom? Will you fight? Tall soldier: Fight against that? No, we will run, and we will live. William: Ay, fight and you may die, run and you'll live. At least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom. (cheering) English lord: They seem quite optimistic to me. Maybe they do want to fight. Cheltham: Confrontation might be a foregone conclusion, my lord. But none the less, I think we should deliver the king's terms. Lord: The king's terms will never live up to them. Cheltham: My lord, I think--. Lord: Alright, offer them the terms. Craig: They're coming out. Shall we go and meet them? Stephen: Fine speech. Now what do we do? William: Just be yourselves. Hamish: Where are you going? William: I'm going to pick a fight. Hamish: Well, we didn't get dressed up for nothing. Cheltham: Mornay, Lochlan, Craig. Here are the king's terms. Lead this army off field and he will give you each estates in Yorkshire, including hereditary title, from which you will pay--, from which you will pay him an annual duty--. William: I have an offer for you. Mornay: Cheltham, this is William Wallace. Cheltham: From which you will pay the king an annual duty--. William: I said I have an offer for you. Lochlan: You disrespect a banner of truce? William: From his king? Absolutely. Here are Scotland's terms. Lower your flags, and march straight back to England, stopping at every home to beg forgiveness for 100 years of theft, rape, and murder. Do that and your men shall live. Do it not, and every one of you will die today. Cheltham: You are outmatched. You have no heavy cavalry. In two centuries no army has won without--. William: I'm not finished. Before we let you leave, your commander must cross that field, present himself before this army, put his head between his legs, and kiss his own ass. Mornay: I'd say that was rather less cordial that he was used to. William: You be ready and do exactly as I say. On my signal, ride round behind our position and flank them. Mornay: We must not divide our forces. William: Do it, and let the English see you do it. Mornay: They'll think we've run away. William: Take out their archers, and I'll meet you in the middle. Mornay: Alright. Priest: (speaks Latin) English Lord: Insolent bastard. I want this Wallace's head on a plate. Archers. (Scots scream) Stephen: The Lord says He can get me out of this mess, but He's pretty sure you're fooked. Ah! (Scots scream) William: Ride! Lord: See, every Scot with a horse is fleeing. Our cavalry will ride them down like grass. Send the horse; full attack. William: Hold! Hold! Hold! Now! (lots of screaming) Lord: Send the infantry. Cheltham: My Lord? Lord: You lead them. (lots of fighting) Lord: Retreat! William: Alright. William: (screaming) Scottish army: (screaming) WALLACE! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Craig: I knight thee Sir William Wallace. Sir William, in the name of God we declare and appoint thee guardian and high protector of Scotland and thy Captains as aides-de-camp. Stand and be recognized. Robert: Does anyone know his politics? Craig: No, but his weight with the commoners can unbalance everything. The Balliols will kiss his ass so we must. Balliol supporter: Sir William, Sir William. Inasmuch as you and your captains hail from a region long known to support the Balliol clan, may we invite you to continue your support and uphold our rightful claim. (screaming) William: Gentlemen!, Gentlemen! Balliol supporter: Now is the time to declare a king. Mornay: Wait! Then you are prepared to recognize our legitimate succession. Balliol supporter: You're the ones who won't support the rightful claim. Mornay: Those were lies when you first wrote them. Balliol supporter: I demand recognition of these documents. Craig: Gentlemen! Please, Gentlemen! Wait! Sir William, where are you going? William: We have beaten the English, but they'll come back because you won't stand together. Craig: Well what will you do? William: I will invade England and defeat the English on their own ground. Craig: Invade? That's impossible. William: Why? Why is that impossible? You're so concerned with squabbling for the scraps from Longshank's table that you've missed your God given right to something better. There is a difference between us. You think the people of this country exist to provide you with possession. I think your possession exists to provide those people with freedom. And I go to make sure that they have it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: Wait! I respect what you said, but remember that these men have lands and castles. It's much to risk. William: And the common man who bleeds on the battlefield, does he risk less? Robert: No, but from top to bottom this country has no sense of itself. Its nobles share allegiance with England. Its clans war with each other. If you make enemies on both sides of the border, you'll end up dead. William: We all end up dead; it's just a question of how and why. Robert: I'm not a coward. I want what you want, but we need the nobles. William: We need them? Robert: Ay. William: Now tell me, what does that mean to be noble? Your title gives you claim to the thrown of our country, but men don't follow titles, they follow courage. Now our people know you. Noble, and common, they respect you. And if you would just lead them to freedom, they'd follow you. And so would I. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Royal Governor of York: Damn it! The sodomite my cousin the prince tells me he has no troops to lend and every town in Northern England is begging for help. Soldier: Wallace rides! Governor: To which town? Soldier: To here my Lord. Governor: Bring the food and provisions inside, double the wall guards, seal the gate, now! Soldier: Quickly, bring in the provisions, seal off the gate, NOW! Soldier: Sir, we can get you out if you leave now. Governor: I am not about to tell my Uncle I've lost him the greatest city in Northern England. William: Come on! Scottish soldiers: AAAHHH! (lots of cheering, gate on fire) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (back in London) Soldier: Make way for the King. Philip: It's not your fault. Stand up to him. Prince: I will stand up to him and more. Longshanks: What news of the North? Prince: Nothing new, Your Majesty. We've sent riders to speed any word. Longshanks: I heard the word in France, where I was fighting to expand your future kingdom. The word, my son, is that our entire Northern Army has been annihilated. And you have done nothing. Prince: I have ordered conscriptions. They are assembled and ready to depart. Soldier: Excuse me, sire, but there is a very urgent message from York. Longshanks: Come. Leave us. Soldier: Yes, sire. Prince: Wallace has sacked York. Longshanks: What? Prince: Wallace has sacked York. Ah! Philip: Sire, thy own nephew. What beast could do such a thing? Longshanks: If he can sack York, he can invade lower England. Philip: We would stop him! Longshanks: Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advise? Prince: I have declared Philip my High Counselor. Longshanks: Is he qualified? Philip: I am skilled in the arts of war and military tactics, sire. Longshanks: Are you? Then tell me, what advice would you offer on the present situation? (Longshanks kick's Philip out the window) Philip: AAAHHH! (Longshanks kicks Prince) Longshanks: I shall offer a truce and pie him off. But who will go to him? Not I, huh, if I fell under the sword of that murderer that might be my head in a basket. And not my gentle son. The mere sight of him would only encourage the enemy to take over the whole country. So who do I send? Whom do I send? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- William: I'm dreaming. Murron: Yes you are, and you must wake. William: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you. Murron: And I with you. But you must wake now. Wake up, William. Wake up. William, wake up. Campbell: William, a royal entourage comes, flying banners of truce, with the standard of Longshanks himself. Isabella: I am the Princess of Wales. I come as the king's servant and with his authority. William: To do what? Isabella: To discuss the king's proposals. Will you speak with a woman? Isabella: I understand you have recently been given the rank of knight. William: I have been given nothing. God makes men what they are. Isabella: Did God make you the sacker of peaceful cities, the executioner of the king's nephew, my husband's own cousin? William: York was the staging point for every invasion of my country. And that royal cousin hanged innocent Scots, even women and children, from the city walls. Oh, Longshanks did far worse the last time he took a Scottish city. Hamilton: (in Latin) He is a bloody murdering savage. And he's telling lies. William: (in Latin) I never lie. But I am a savage. (in French) Or in French if you prefer. (in English) You ask your king to his face, ask him, and see if his eyes can convince you of the truth. Isabella: Hamilton, leave us. Hamilton: My lady? Isabella: Leave us. Now. Let us talk plainly. You invade England, but you can not complete the conquest so far from your shelter and supply. The king desires peace. William: Longshanks desires peace? Isabella: He declares it to me, I swear it. He proposes that you withdraw your attack. In return he grants you title, estates, and this chest of gold which I am to pay to you personally. William: A lordship and titles. Gold. That I should become Judas? Isabella: Peace is made in such ways. William: Slaves are made in such ways. The last time Longshanks spoke of peace I was a boy. And many Scottish nobles, who would not be slaves, were lured by him under a flag of truce to a barn where he had them hanged. I was very young, but I remember Longshank's notion of peace. Isabella: I understand you have suffered. I know about your woman. William: She was my wife. We married in secret because I would not share her with an English Lord. They killed her to get to me. I have never spoken of it. I don't know why I tell you now except I see her strength in you. One day you'll be a queen, and you must open your eyes. You tell your king that William Wallace will not be ruled, and nor will any Scot while I live. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Longshanks: Ah, my son's loyal wife returns unkilled by the heathen. So he accepted our bribe? Isabella: No, he did not. Longshanks: Then why does he stay? My scouts tell me that he has not advanced. Isabella: He waits for you at York. He says he will attack no more towns or cities, if you are man enough to come and face him. Longshanks: Did he? The Welsh bowmen will not be detected arriving so far around his flank. The main force of our armies from France will land here to the north of Edinburgh. Conscripts from Ireland will approach from the southwest to here. Prince: Welsh bowmen, troops from France, Irish conscripts. Even if you dispatch them today they will take weeks to assemble. Longshanks: I dispatched them before I sent your wife. So our little ruse succeeded. Thank you. And while this upstart awaits my arrival in York, my forces will have arrived in Edinburgh behind him. You spoke with this Wallace in private? Tell me, what kind of man is he? Isabella: A mindless barbarian, not a king like you, my lord. Longshanks: You may return to your embroidery. Isabella: Humbly, my lord. Prince: You brought back the money, of coarse. Isabella: No, I gave it to ease the suffering of the children of this war. Longshanks: haha! That's what happens when you send a woman. Isabella: Forgive me, sire. I thought that generosity might demonstrate your greatness to those you mean to rule. Longshanks: My greatness will be better demonstrated when Wallace returns to Scotland and finds his country in ashes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hamish: William, there's riders approaching. Personal escort of the princess. You must have made an impression. William: Ay. Hamish: I didn't think you were in the tent that long. William: (in French) Miss. Nicolette: (in French) A message from my mistress. William: (in French) Thank you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen: It's true. The English ships are moving up from the south. I don't know about the Welsh yet, but the Irish have landed. I had to see it with me own eyes before I could believe it. Hamish: What the hell are the Irish doing fighting with the English? Stephen: I wouldn't worry about them. Didn't I tell you before, it's my island. William: Hamish, ride ahead to Edinburgh and assemble the council. Order it. Hamish: Ay. William: Your island? Stephen: My island! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mornay: This time our only option is to negotiate. William: My army has marched for more days than I can remember, and we still have preparations to make. So I'll make this plain. We require every soldier you can summon. Your personal escorts, even yourselves. And we need them now. Craig: With such a force of raid against us, it is time to discuss other options. William: Other options? Don't you wish at least to lead your men onto the field and barter a better deal with Longshanks before you tuck tail and run? Robert: Sir William. Craig: We can not defeat this army. William: We can. Robert: Sir William. William: And we will. We won at Stirling, and still you quibble. We won at York and you would not support us. If you will not stand up with us now then I say you're a coward. (Hamish swings axe) William: And if you are Scotsmen, I am ashamed to call myself one. Robert: Please, Sir William. Speak with me alone. I beg you. Robert: Now you've achieved more than anyone ever dreamed, but fighting these odds it looks like rage, not courage. William: It's well beyond rage. Help me. In the name of Christ help yourselves. Now is our chance, now. If we join, we can win. If we win, well then we'll have what none of us have ever had before: a country of our own. You are the rightful leader, and there is strength in you. I see it. Unite us. Unite us. Unite the clans. Alright. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: This can not be the way. Leper: You said yourself, the nobles will not support Wallace. So how does it help us to join the side that is slaughtered? Robert: I gave him my word. Leper: I know it is hard. Being a leader is. Now son, son, look at me. I can not be king. You, and you alone can rule Scotland. What I tell you, you must do. Not for me, not for yourself, but for your country. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soldier: Make way. Coming through. Make way lads. Hamish: The Bruce is not coming, William. William: He'll come. Mornay and Lochlan have come. So will the Bruce. Longshanks: Quite a lovely gathering. Wouldn't you agree? General: The archers are ready, sire. Longshanks: Not the archers. My scouts tell me their archers are miles away and no threat to us. Arrows cost money. Use up the Irish. Their dead cost nothing. And send in the infantry and cavalry. General: Infantry, cavalry, advance. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Irish advance and shake hands with the Scottish Army) Longshanks: Irish! William: Glad to have you with us. Watch this. General: Mornay, Lochlan? Longshanks: I gave Mornay double his lands in Scotland and matching estates in England. Lochlan turned for much less. Archers. General: I beg your pardon, sire. Won't we hit our own troops? Longshanks: Yes, but we'll hit theirs as well. We have reserves. Attack. General: Archers. Longshanks: Send in our reinforcements. General: Send in the rest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Longshanks: Bring me Wallace. Alive if possible. Dead, just as good. Send news of our victory. Shall we retire. (William hit by arrow) General: Protect the king. Robert: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (William sees that Robert has duble crossed him. He is shocked) Robert: Get up! Get up! Get him out of here. Stephen: Jesus! Robert: Go! Stephen: Ah! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Campbell: I'm dying. Let me be. Hamish: No, your going to live. Campbell: I've lived long enough to live free; proud to see you become the man you are. I'm a happy man. (Hamish cries) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leper: I'm the one who's rotting but I think your face looks graver than mine. Son, we must have alliance with England to prevail here. You achieved that. You saved your family, increased your land. In time, you will have all the power in Scotland. Robert: Lands, titles, men, power, nothing. Leper: Nothing? Robert: I have nothing. Men fight for me, because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their wives and their children. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk, they fought for William Wallace, and he fights for something that I've never had. And I took it from him when I betrayed him and I saw it in his face on the battlefield, and it's tearing me apart. Leper: Well, all men betray. All lose heart. Robert: I don't want to lose heart. I want to believe as he does. I will never be on the wrong side again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Mornay's dreaming) Mornay: (crying) Ah! (Wallace kills him and jumps out window) Scottish noble: Lord Craig, is it true about Mornay? Craig: Ay, Wallace rode into his bead chamber and killed him. More a liability now then ever he was. And there's no telling who'll be next. Robert: Maybe you, maybe me. It doesn't matter. Craig: I'm serious, Robert. Robert: So am I. Haha! (Lochlan drops on table) Craig: Search the place. Noble: Lochlan. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Common towns people talking) Common Scot: William Wallace killed 50 men. 50 in one. Commoner #2: 100 men, with his own sword. Commoner #3: Cut through them like Moses through the Red Sea. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Longshanks: His legend grows. It will be worse than before. Hamilton: He rallies new volunteers in every Scottish town. And when he replenishes his numbers, -- Longshanks: They're sheep, mere sheep. Easily dispersed if we strike the shepherd. Very well. Take a flock of your finest assassins and set a meeting. Hamilton: My lord, Wallace is renowned for his ability to smell an ambush. Longshanks: If what Lord Hamilton tells me is correct, he warmed to our future queen and would trust her. So we'll dispatch her with the notion that she comes in peace. Hamilton: My Lord, the princess might be taken hostage, or her life be put in jeopardy. Longshanks: My son would be most distressed by that. But if she were to be killed, we would soon find the King of France a useful ally against the Scots. You see, as king, you must find the good in any situation. Assassin: It's William Wallace sure. And he's given up his sword. Be ready. (lots of screaming, hut is burned) William: My lady. I received your message. This is the second time you've warned me of danger. Why? Isabella: There will be a new shipment of supplies coming north next month. Food and weapons, they will-- William: Why do you help me? Why do you help me? Isabella: Because of the way you are looking at me now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen: Just when we thought all hope was lost, our noble saviors have arrived. Off with hoods. Craig: Sir William, we've come to seek a meeting. William: Well, what's the point? You've all sworn loyalty to Longshanks. Craig: An oath to a liar is no oath at all. Every man of us is ready to swear loyalty to you. William: So let the council swear it publicly. Craig: We can not. Some scarcely believe you are alive. Others think you pay the Mornay's wages. So we (?) to Edinburgh. Meet us two days from now. Give us your pardon and we'll unite behind you. Scotland will be one. William: One? You mean us and you. Craig: No, I mean this. It's the pledge of Robert the Bruce. Hamish: You do know it's a trap. Tell him. Stephen: I think if the Bruce wanted to kill you he'd have done it already at Falkirk. William: Ay. Stephen: I know, I saw. Hamish: I ain't leaving him aside. What about the others? The scheming bastards couldn't agree on the color of shit. It's a trap, are you blind? William: We've got to try. We can't do this alone. Joining the nobles is the only hope for our people. You know what happens if we don't take that chance? Hamish: What? William: Nothing. Hamish: I don't want to be a martyr. William: Nor I. I want to live. I want a home, and children, and peace. Hamish: Do ya? William: Ay, I do. I've asked God for these things. It's all for nothing if you don't have freedom. Hamish: That's all a dream, William. William: A dream? Just a dream? What we've been doing all this time; we've lived that dream. Hamish: You dream isn't about freedom. It's about Murron. You're doing this to be a hero because you think she sees you. William: I don't think she sees me. I know she does. And your father sees you, too. (Hamish hits William) Stephen: Jesus?! Shall I come with you. William: No, I'll go alone. Stephen: I'll see you after. William: Right. Stephen: Sooner rather than later, I hope. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Craig: He won't come. Robert: He will. I know he will. Guard: My Lord, he approaches. (Robert sees trap) Robert: NO! Craig: Stay out of it, Robert. Robert: Get Away! Get Away! Craig: The Bruce is not to be harmed. That was the arrangement. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert: Father! You fooking bastard. Why? Why? Leper: Longshanks required Wallace. So did our nobles. That was the prize of your crown. Robert: Die! I want you to die. Leper: Soon enough I'll be dead. And you'll be king. Robert: I don't want anything from you. You're not a man, and you're not my father. Leper: You are my son, and you have always known my mind. Robert: You deceived me. Leper: You let yourself be deceived. In your heart, you always knew what had to happen here. At last, you know what it means to hate. Now you're ready to be king. Robert: My hate will die with you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Executioner: William Wallace, you stand intained of High Treason. William: Against whom? Executioner: Against your king. Have you anything to say? William: Never in my whole life did I swear allegiance to him. Executioner: It matters not. He is your king. Confess, and you may receive a quick death. Deny, and you must be purified by pain. Do you confess? Do you confess? Then on the morrow you shall receive your purification. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guard: Your Highness. Isabella: I will see the prisoner. Guard: We've got orders from the king that no one-- Isabella: The king will be dead in a month and his son is a weakling. Who do you think will rule this kingdom? Now open this door. Guard: Majesty: Come on, back on your feet. (Guard kicks William) Isabella: Stop it. Leave me. I said leave me. William: My lady. Isabella: Sir, I've come to beg you to confess all and swear allegiance to the king, that he might show you mercy. William: Will he show mercy to my country? Isabella: Mercy is to die quickly, perhaps even live in a tower. In time, who knows what could happen. William: If I swear to him, then all that I am is dead already. Isabella: You will die. It will be awful. William: Every man dies, not every man really lives. Isabella: Drink this. It will dull your pain. William: No. It will numb my wits, and I must have them all. For if I'm senseless or if I wail, then Longshanks will have broken me. Isabella: I can't bear the thought of your torture. Take it. William: Alright. (They kiss, and William spits it out) Isabella: I have come to beg for the life of William Wallace. Prince: You're quite taken with him, aren't you. Isabella: I respect him. At worst he was a worthy enemy. Show mercy, O great king, and win the respect of your own people. Even now you are incapable of mercy. And you. To you that word is as unfamiliar as love. Prince: Before he lost his powers of speech he told me his one comfort was he would live to know Wallace was dead. Isabella: You see, death comes to us all. But before it comes to you, know this. Your plot dies with you. A child who is not of your line grows in my belly. Your son will not sit long on the thrown, I swear it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (crowd cheers) William: I am so afraid. Give me the strength to die well. Common man: Here he comes! (crowd throws food at him) Executioner: Now behold the awful prize of treason. You will fall to your knees now. Declare yourself the king's loyal subject, and beg his mercy, and you shall have it. (no response) Executioner: Rope. Stretch him. That's it, stretch him. Pleasant, yes? Rise to your knees, kiss the royal emblem on my cloak, and you will feel no more. (no response) Executioner: Rack him. Enough? (they put William on the cross, and begin disembowelment) (William in serious pain) Executioner: It can all end, right now. Peace. Bliss. Just say it. Cry out mercy. (crowd repeats "mercy") Executioner: Cry out. Just say it. Mercy. Hamish: Mercy lad, mercy. Stephen: Jesus, mercy. Executioner: The prisoner wishes to say a word. William: FREEEEE-DOMMMMMM! (William is beheaded) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert (narrator): After the beheading, William Wallace's body was torn to pieces. His head was placed on top on London Bridge, his arms and legs sent to the four corners of Britain as a warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned. And I, Robert the Bruce, rode out to pay homage to the armies of the English king and accept his endorsement of my crown. English noble: I hope you've washed your ass this morning. It's about to be kissed by a king. Craig: Come. Lets get it over with. Robert: Stop. You have bled with Wallace, now bleed with me. Craig: Ah! Hamish: Yea! (Throws sword; sword lands) Crowd: WALLACE, WALLACE, WALLACE, WALLACE. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Scots charge) William (narrating): In the year of our Lord 1314, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, charged the fields at Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen. And won their freedom.
wat happened to zimos?
This new comment system is just broken.
Ben king doesn't need a pistol he just need his finger
ben is so cool he can kill with a pretend gun
You know a good way to make Google change back to the old comment section? If all these youtubers disable comments altogether. If enough of them do it enmasse maybe it would give Google a wake up call.
I hope they try that dive ability from the tallest building in the game. lol spoiler, you create a Nuclear explosion!
When r u making 29